0:22

Welcome to episode 35 of the Better

0:25

Relationships podcast. Today's topic is how to improve your.

0:30

Marriage without talking about it.

0:33

I'm, um, Doctor Dara, the relationship healer, and let's

0:36

dive in. When your marriage is in trouble, the.

0:38

Last thing your partner wants to do. Is dive into a deep conversation

0:43

about what's broken, much less how to fix

0:46

things. Anytime you bring up wanting to talk about your

0:49

relationship, making things better between.

0:52

You, or just having a conversation about each

0:55

other's day, it just causes stress,

0:58

or worse, an argument. So how

1:01

do you improve your marriage without talking about it?

1:04

Nonverbal communication, believe it or not, can be

1:07

more effective and empowering

1:09

than verbal communication. While

1:12

talking openly is essential, there are other

1:15

ways to improve your relationship without

1:18

directly addressing the issues. Let's

1:20

explore some commonly advised strategies. Number one, be a good

1:25

listener. Remove distractions, watch

1:28

for nonverbal cues, and show

1:31

genuine interest in your partner. And it's

1:34

essential to avoid interrupting your

1:36

partner when you need to speak or when there's time

1:39

for you to share. Ask if you can share, and then

1:42

invest a few moments to think through what you want to

1:45

say before you speak so

1:48

that what you say is clear, concise, and

1:51

kind. And when you do pause,

1:54

let your partner know. I'm pausing to gather my

1:56

thoughts so that they don't interrupt

1:59

your thought process. Number

2:02

two, express appreciation.

2:05

Regularly expressing gratitude and

2:08

appreciation for your partner, while

2:11

also acknowledging their qualities and

2:13

efforts, whether big or small, or

2:16

even not to your level of detail with

2:19

kindness will go a long way.

2:22

Behavior that's acknowledged and appreciated gets

2:25

repeated, and that builds a

2:28

healthy, happy, and harmonious

2:30

relationship. Practice

2:33

flexibility. You may make

2:36

plans, or your partner may say something and you

2:39

think of it as a promise or a commitment, or

2:42

an agreement. But life

2:44

happens and things change.

2:47

And when that happens, it's hard not to think

2:50

about, um, your partner breaking a promise. But the

2:53

reality is, it's really

2:56

necessary for you to be adaptable

2:59

when unexpected changes occur. You

3:01

could say something like, oh, I understand,

3:04

we had a commitment to do this on this day at

3:07

this time, but this has

3:10

happened. So let's pick another day to make

3:13

that other thing happen. Number four,

3:16

prioritize quality time. Set

3:19

aside dedicated time to connect with each

3:22

other daily, whether it's a

3:25

conversation over dinner, or a quiet walk

3:27

together, or even doing the dishes together.

3:31

You really need to make it a habit, like a

3:34

daily habit, because that

3:36

will build a deeper connection, even if you're

3:39

not talking while you're doing it together.

3:42

Activities, when shared without conversation,

3:45

speak more loudly than filling the

3:50

time with talk. Number

3:52

five, use I statements

3:55

instead of blaming, criticizing, or

3:58

accusing. Express your thoughts and feelings

4:01

using I statements. For example,

4:04

I feel hurt when this situation

4:06

happened, not using you statements to blame

4:09

your partner. Or you could say,

4:12

I was thinking this when I heard

4:15

this statement instead of when I

4:18

heard you say the reason why. Is it

4:21

because? Is because it puts you or your partner

4:24

on the defensive and then that can spiral

4:26

into a fight or argument and

4:29

refrain from using terms like you always

4:32

or this always happens

4:35

or number six, avoid

4:38

criticism. Focus on

4:40

positive reinforcement and support rather

4:43

than criticism. Ask for support in

4:46

resolving issues without attacking your partner

4:49

or their character or their

4:51

actions and shifting

4:54

from criticizing. Blaming,

4:56

accusing can be really

4:59

difficult. So hire a relationship coach to work.

5:02

With you on how to shift and

5:05

transform criticism and critical

5:08

language and thinking. Into a more positive way

5:12

of communicating. And thinking that is going to benefit.

5:16

You but also create better results

5:19

in. Your connection with your partner. Number seven,

5:23

learn each other's communication style. Understand

5:26

how your spouse communicates. Some

5:29

people prefer direct communication and

5:31

conversations, while others, while

5:34

others need time to process. And we need to ask our partners, do you

5:39

need time to process this? And if they say

5:42

yes, say, great, let's talk about it

5:45

tomorrow afternoon during our quality time together.

5:47

That's really honoring each other's space and each other's

5:50

need and ways of communicating.

5:53

Number nine, nonverbal

5:55

communication. Pay attention to your body

5:58

language and your partner's, the eye contact

6:01

and the gestures being used. Sometimes what's

6:04

left unsaid says a lot, but don't make

6:07

assumptions. Instead, say, I'm sensing this for

6:10

you. Is that true for you? Number

6:13

ten, set boundaries. Agree

6:16

on boundaries for discussions,

6:18

avoid heated arguments and revisit topics when

6:21

emotions have cooled down and when

6:24

the topic doesn't feel charged

6:28

and urgent for you to

6:31

address and resolve. Right now, in this moment,

6:34

most of the time, things can wait until you're

6:37

both in a healthy, happy, and harmonious

6:40

frame of mind and your body posture

6:42

is relaxed. Number eleven,

6:45

practice empathy. Put yourself in your

6:48

partner's shoes. Understand their perspective.

6:51

Validate their thoughts and feelings.

6:53

Also, validation doesn't mean you have to agree or

6:56

think that they are 100% right. It's really

6:59

about making them feel safe and

7:02

giving them the freedom to have their own feelings and

7:05

thoughts, not discounting their feelings and

7:08

thoughts or not saying you're wrong. And

7:11

instead it's just giving them space to share.

7:13

And you can simply say thank you for sharing

7:16

your thoughts and feelings about that topic. It's not

7:19

an opportunity for you to defend your thoughts or

7:21

feelings. It's an opportunity for them to share.

7:25

You could ask, do you have a request

7:27

of me? Or is there a question,

7:30

uh, for me? Or how can I support you

7:33

through this? Or are there things that

7:36

I can do to shift that perspective for you?

7:39

Those ways of communicating and showing

7:42

empathy are really healthy and

7:45

build a stronger relationship. Number

7:48

twelve, avoid mind reading.

7:50

Don't assume you know what your spouse is thinking. Even

7:53

if you think you know him or her extremely

7:56

well, it's still an assumption until you

7:59

ask curious questions. To learn more about their

8:02

perspective and to seek clarity.

8:05

Whether you ended up being right or not is

8:07

immaterial. The point is, you're not making

8:10

assumptions and you're involving your partner and

8:13

being curious enough to want to know what they're

8:15

thinking. 13. I think we've already talked about

8:18

this, but it's important enough to point out again,

8:21

choosing the right time. Timing

8:24

matters. Avoid discussing important

8:27

matters during stressful or busy moments.

8:30

Pay attention to you. Pay attention to yourself and

8:33

your partner, and notice when they're most calm

8:35

and open. Whether your partner needs personal space

8:38

in the morning after waking up or in the evening after getting

8:41

home, I find that couples

8:44

will jump on each other

8:47

to communicate things that are really

8:50

important, essential or crucial. As soon as there is the

8:53

perception of focused

8:56

time. Usually it's in the car with closed.

8:59

Doors and no distractions. Which is the worst

9:01

place and most unsafe place place to have

9:04

these conversations? Or as soon as

9:07

they've walked in the door, or as soon as they've

9:10

come out of the bedroom fully dressed in the morning.

9:13

Which is why it's really crucial to choose

9:16

times of day and it be a standard ten or

9:19

15 minutes every day to have these

9:21

conversations and make decisions. And

9:24

if something's going to take longer, table it

9:27

for, uh, 30 minutes or an hour over

9:30

the weekend where you've already carved out

9:33

connection time. I also like to say,

9:36

or like my clients, to carve out not only quality

9:39

time together, but to keep that separate from decision

9:41

time. And decision time is really important,

9:45

right? Because there's things that happen during the week

9:48

that need to be decided on together

9:51

or individually, but you need to inform or want to

9:54

inform your partner or include them. So

9:57

don't use your quality time to have those

10:00

conversations. Carve out separate decision

10:02

times so that both of you come with the mindset

10:05

of supporting each other to make decisions for

10:08

your household and for each other.

10:11

Also for urgent

10:14

decisions, things that have to be decided that

10:16

day. I find usually nothing

10:19

is that urgent on a week to week basis.

10:22

But they do arise. Those emergencies do

10:24

arise, and in that case, carve

10:27

out a portion of your quality time. But

10:30

inform your partner, hey, this evening's 15

10:33

minutes. I need ten minutes of that time to

10:36

discuss this issue that's become urgent and

10:39

get agreement to do that. Or if they say, no, I need.

10:42

Our quality time, then say, can

10:45

we. Schedule another block of ten to

10:48

15. Minutes to discuss this and call that decision time?

10:51

Number 14. I've already addressed this too, but it bears, uh,

10:55

importance, and important enough,

10:58

and is important enough to bring up again. Learn each

11:00

other's best times of day. Understanding

11:03

whether you or your partner is a morning, afternoon, or evening

11:06

person will help you determine when it's best to connect

11:09

and have conversations instead of hitting.

11:11

Them up whenever your need arises.

11:14

The other thing is, pay attention to when they're most

11:17

productive. Those aren't the times to

11:20

have these conversations because they're in go and get

11:23

it done mode. Number 15. Be open and

11:25

honest. Share your thoughts, fears, and dreams.

11:28

Openly being transparent builds

11:31

trust. Also, let your partner know,

11:34

I am sharing my thoughts, fears, and dreams with you right

11:37

now. I don't need you to solve anything, fix

11:40

anything, support me, or do anything. I just want to

11:43

share my thoughts and feelings and fears and dreams with

11:45

you. If we don't ask our partners how

11:48

to listen when we're communicating, and if

11:51

we're unclear about what we need in that

11:54

conversation from our partner, then we don't know what

11:57

to ask for, and it creates

11:59

unnecessary conflict because we haven't

12:02

asked them how we need them to listen,

12:05

and we haven't told them or

12:08

informed them what we need from them

12:11

as a result of that conversation. Number

12:13

16. Spend more time

12:16

together. Prioritize quality time

12:19

with each other. Make that non

12:21

negotiable in your calendar and have it blocked

12:24

out. Engage in activities you both enjoy,

12:27

whether it's cooking together, going for walks, or watching a

12:30

movie, shared experiences build

12:33

connection. And when you schedule

12:36

this time that is non negotiable.

12:39

You show that you care about each

12:42

other and that you think of each. Other as a priority.

12:45

Sure, there are things that pop up in life that

12:48

make us need to reschedule time, but

12:51

make that a rare

12:54

occurrence. If there's a party you've been

12:57

invited to or a speaking event you've been invited

12:59

00 p.m. But your quality

13:02

time is from seven to 715. Get to

13:05

the event and walk in 15

13:08

minutes late. After your quality time in a

13:11

corner or cubbyhole of the hotel, for

13:13

example, there are ways to work

13:16

around interruptions that

13:19

cause a need to reschedule.

13:21

Look for those ways to still fit.

13:23

It in instead of rescheduling. Number 17 hug your spouse

13:28

regularly hugging is a nonverbal way to

13:31

express love and intimacy. It is said that when you work.

13:35

Towards four to six hugs a day, it

13:38

will help you both be present. For each other and improve your listening.

13:43

Number 18 focus on the

13:46

positive instead. Of dwelling on negatives, intentionally notice and.

13:50

Appreciate the positive aspects of your

13:52

partner. Express gratitude for their efforts and

13:55

kindness and if your partner's not giving

13:58

you the same, remember you're modeling

14:01

the behavior and over time,

14:04

one day they will start expressing

14:07

gratitude for your efforts and kindness.

14:09

Also, when you're expressing gratitude for their

14:12

efforts and kindness, it may be that they

14:15

they are quick to give you the same kindness

14:18

or the same gesture. Let them know listen,

14:21

I'm sharing this. With you because I feel like sharing.

14:23

It with you right now. Please don't feel like you have

14:26

to. Give to give kindness and

14:29

gratitude and. Thankfulness to me because I'm doing it for you right

14:34

now. You can wait when it's natural

14:37

and you feel inspired to do so.

14:39

Oftentimes, especially for the love and

14:42

belonging sovereign relationship

14:44

need, a partner will want

14:47

to give back immediately, and it's

14:50

an. It is a defense or a reactive.

14:53

Posture as opposed to doing it when

14:56

inspired. So you will give them the freedom by saying

14:59

that to do it when. They'Re inspired to do so. And they may just say, I feel like it right

15:04

now and that's all great too. Number 20

15:07

oop, I skipped one. Number 19

15:10

acts of love. Show your affection through small gestures.

15:14

Surprise your spouse with thoughtful presents, a.

15:17

Love note, cook their favorite meal,

15:20

or do something that they do

15:23

usually. My husband is pretty

15:26

religious about recycling and taking

15:29

the trash out on Wednesday morning or Tuesday

15:32

night. And every now and then if he's not

15:35

feeling well or if he's out. Of town and the trash cans are.

15:39

Full, I will do that for us

15:42

in the exact way that he does. It, because he is meticulous and he's

15:46

very caring about the workers that

15:49

manage the trash and the recycling in the

15:52

bins. Number 20

15:55

initiate intimacy. Physical closeness is

15:58

essential. Initiate intimacy without

16:01

discussing it explicitly. A light,

16:04

quick, loving touch or a. Passionate kiss can rekindle the flame

16:08

and connection between you two, and

16:11

when they're surprised, surprisingly done

16:14

or spontaneous, it's even

16:17

more special. I also find that the other partner.

16:20

Will say, what brought that on? Refrain from the need from for having

16:25

to explain it and just say, oh, I just felt like it right

16:27

now. How did that feel? And then move on with your day.

16:31

After they answer number 21.

16:33

Prioritize self care. When you take care of yourself, you become a better partner

16:38

and a better person. Prioritize self care by getting enough rest.

16:42

Exercising, eating well, and

16:45

managing your stress. And anxiety and nervousness. Your

16:49

partner can't do that for you. And

16:52

when you are stressed for whatever reason, it

16:55

does not create a healthy environment or a safe

16:58

environment because we're in a reactive and defensive

17:01

mode and we're ready to fight or

17:04

leave, like. Just walk away and neither of those.

17:08

Or we shut down and none of those are healthy.

17:11

But saying, listen, I need to rest. I need to take time out

17:14

for myself so I can be in a better place for this

17:17

conversation and recognizing that

17:19

is a very healthy

17:23

and advanced skill for relationships. Number 22

17:28

respect each other. Treat your spouse

17:31

with kindness and respect. Listen, actively

17:34

validate their feelings. Avoid criticism and

17:37

avoid telling them they're. Wrong or what they heard is incorrect.

17:41

They're entitled to their thoughts and feelings.

17:43

And what they think they heard. Let them have their space to share and just say,

17:47

thank you for sharing. I really respect that you

17:50

felt comfortable. Enough and said all of those things.

17:53

Do you have any questions for me? Or you could say, if it's important enough

17:58

to resolve. You could say, can I share my perspective

18:01

with you? Because it's different from what

18:04

I heard you say

18:07

and get help from a relationship coach

18:10

who is a strong and. Powerful empathic

18:15

and compassionate communicator to show.

18:17

You and give them examples so they can show

18:20

you ways to communicate differently.

18:23

I find that we as human beings were

18:26

taught language and reading skills, and.

18:29

Then we were thrown out into the. World to communicate with each other. And so we

18:33

really haven't learned healthy

18:35

relationship communication skills. So

18:38

investing the time and budget

18:41

towards that will go a long way in

18:44

helping your relationship be long lasting, happy, healthy and

18:47

harmonious. Number 23.

18:50

I've said this. I'm saying it again. Spending

18:53

time together despite the tension.

18:55

Invest time in shared activities, attend

18:58

events. Cook together, take walks, because

19:02

being physically. Present can create a bridge to deeper.

19:05

Understanding and dissipate any

19:07

tension that's in the space. Number

19:10

24 build your emotional intelligence

19:13

skills. Develop self awareness and empathy.

19:17

Take some classes. Hire a coach to help you with.

19:20

Examples in your relationship so they can

19:23

show you what an empathic response or.

19:26

Interaction looks like so that you can. Practice them yourself, understand your

19:31

emotions and recognize your partner's feelings.

19:34

Emotional intelligence builds connections, even

19:37

when words fail. Number 25 and I

19:40

have to say. This might be one of my most. Favorite build multiple intelligences

19:45

in yourself and in your relationship.

19:48

Go to drdarhawks.com comma click

19:51

on blog. And search for my multiple intelligences

19:55

blog. Post because I go into details there

19:58

about what that is. In summary, multiple intelligences is a way

20:03

to explore different ways to connect through art,

20:06

music, physical touch, taking a creative.

20:09

Class together, being out in nature,

20:11

listening. To music, doing a

20:14

crossword or jigsaw puzzle together.

20:17

Review that blog post because I detail.

20:20

What multiple intelligence theory is and the ways you can

20:23

experience, explore and grow your multiple

20:26

intelligences for yourself and your relationship, I'll

20:29

let you in on a secret I share with my vip

20:31

clients. Building multiple

20:33

intelligences actually builds your emotional

20:36

intelligence and maturity without talking

20:39

about problems or your emotions.

20:42

I also want to let you know.

20:44

That building multiple intelligences brings your left

20:47

brain and right brain into balance.

20:50

Quite often when I find one of my

20:52

clients is focused on

20:55

overanalyzing, criticizing, blaming,

20:58

accusing, and just, uh,

21:00

any other unhealthy relationship

21:03

behaviors, it really shuts their partner

21:05

down. And honestly,

21:08

the breaking up or divorce word comes

21:11

up. If those behaviors continue

21:14

over even a four week period,

21:17

those thoughts show up. And sometimes couples

21:20

even say that to each other. So multiple

21:23

intelligences and building that for yourself and

21:26

in your partner is worth checking out.

21:29

Because I do share activities you can do on your own

21:32

and with your partner that are light hearted and

21:35

calming and will shift your brain

21:37

from left brain over and out analysis

21:40

critical thinking to a more

21:43

balanced approach, and it will help you build

21:45

empathy. Here are some examples of how to

21:48

improve your marriage without talking about it. Number

21:51

one, the art of presence in

21:54

a world filled with distractions, being fully

21:57

present is a ginormous

22:00

gift that you can give and receive that speaks

22:03

volumes. Listening

22:05

and being fully present without

22:08

distractions making eye contact with

22:11

compassion is a priceless

22:14

gift you can give your partner. Take the time to be

22:17

silent, to truly listen.

22:20

Look into your partner's eyes and

22:23

understand what is being communicated without the need

22:26

for words from you and

22:28

echo back what you heard and give them the space to

22:31

adjust what what they said. Because when you echo it back, they.

22:35

May think of a different way

22:38

of communicating or they were unclear

22:41

in their original communication. And that's how you

22:44

both gain clarity and understanding and alignment.

22:47

I can't emphasize enough the importance of

22:50

quality time with listening

22:52

without an agenda.

22:56

More often than not, some couples who are in

22:58

arguing stages or

23:01

criticizing, blaming. And accusing stages, they have an agenda.

23:06

When they're getting together for quality time and you really need to

23:08

leave that. At the door, a quiet walk together.

23:11

A shared sunset, or just holding hands while watching a

23:14

movie, or even just being in the room while you're both

23:17

doing your own thing, can create connections

23:20

that words can struggle to convey. There's a lot

23:23

of truth in this saying. Silence is,

23:25

is golden. Sarah and Mark, a

23:28

couple struggling with the demands of work and family,

23:31

found solace in dedicating 15 minutes each day.

23:34

To sit in silence together. This quiet time allowed them to connect on a deeper

23:39

level. Release stress, and they

23:42

created a sense of unity without the pressure to vocalize

23:45

their concerns. Number two, the

23:48

power of touch. Physical touch, even

23:51

a light one, transcends verbal barriers.

23:54

I encourage my clients to rediscover the language

23:57

of touch from gentle caresses to warm

23:59

hugs. Even when you don't

24:02

want to do it, touch can

24:04

communicate love, support, and understanding in ways

24:07

words can't capture. John and Emily, a couple navigating a period of

24:13

emotional distance, started a nightly

24:15

ritual of exchanging hand massages.

24:18

The simple act of physical connection helped them to

24:21

rebuild intimacy, diffused stress,

24:24

and created an unspoken understanding

24:27

that transcended the need for verbal

24:29

reassurance. Number three, acts of

24:32

service. Love, in this context is a

24:35

verb, and actions speak louder than words. As I've

24:38

mentioned earlier, I suggest

24:40

taking small acts of kindness for your partner to express love

24:43

and appreciation. Whether it's making breakfast

24:46

for your partner to enjoy in bed, taking care of a

24:49

household chore they usually do, or surprising

24:52

them with a thoughtful gesture, these actions

24:55

silently convey your commitment and care.

24:58

Alex, aware of his wife Maria's hectic.

25:01

Schedule, took it upon himself to prepare.

25:03

A homemade dinner on a particularly

25:06

stressful day. He doesn't enjoy

25:09

making dinner or cooking lunch,

25:12

and his wife, Maria, knows that about

25:15

him. But she also knows that when he does, it tastes

25:18

pretty darn good. This act of service spoke volumes to

25:22

Maria. It showed that he was

25:24

communicating his love and support without the need for

25:27

one single spoken word. Number

25:30

four, creating shared rituals.

25:33

I emphasize the importance of creating shared

25:35

experiences with my clients that become a language of

25:38

their own. Whether it's a weekly movie night,

25:41

a monthly adventure, or an annual tradition,

25:44

having these shared habitual

25:47

rituals create joyful memories and

25:49

understanding. Here's an example.

25:52

Lisa and James, a couple navigating the

25:55

challenges of a long distance relationship,

25:58

created a tradition of watching the same

26:00

movie on Friday nights while on

26:03

the phone or texting each other about the

26:06

movie. This shared experience became a thread

26:09

that connected them across the miles of distance that

26:12

they were having, reinforcing their connection

26:15

without the need for constant conversation

26:18

in relationships, sometimes the deepest connections are

26:21

formed in the silence between words.

26:24

Exploring the nonverbal communication of, uh,

26:26

gestures, touch and shared experiences

26:29

has the power. To heal and strengthen your marriage in.

26:33

Ways that words alone may struggle to

26:35

achieve. And honestly, silence, like

26:39

I said, is golden. And couples

26:42

that come to me to. Help improve or even save their

26:45

marriage. I find that they fill the space up

26:49

with activities or too much

26:52

talking. Or too much communication, and one or.

26:56

The other partner is truly uncomfortable with silence.

26:59

So silence and listening are two essential.

27:02

Gifts you can give each other that do build

27:05

a relationship to be stronger. More than any

27:07

words can, I want to now cover

27:10

the five sovereign relationship needs and how to meet

27:13

them without uttering a word. These needs encapsulate the essence of a

27:17

thriving partnership and provide you with a.

27:20

Roadmap to strengthen your marriage without saying

27:23

a word. The sovereign relationship needs

27:26

are a revolutionary approach to

27:29

cultivating lasting love and connection

27:32

by understanding the five needs of love and

27:34

belonging, fun, freedom,

27:37

power and safety, and survival from your

27:40

own perspective, but also that of your

27:42

partners. Here's how to address these needs

27:45

without verbal communication and real life

27:48

examples. The love and belonging

27:51

sovereign relationship need it is the

27:54

foundation of any thriving relationship.

27:57

I encourage you and invite you to engage

27:59

in activities that create

28:02

emotional intimacy without verbalizing every thought

28:05

or feeling. A shared hobby, a

28:08

quick dance, or even a heartfelt gaze can

28:11

affirm love and belonging. You can express love not only through.

28:14

Words, but also through actions that resonate at a

28:17

soulful level. Simple gestures of

28:20

affection, like a warm embrace or a gentle

28:22

touch, can communicate profound love without

28:25

the necessity of verbalizing it.

28:28

Cultivating a deep sense of love and belonging involves

28:31

also understanding your partner's emotions. Here

28:34

are two examples. Rachel and David

28:37

are navigating the challenges of a long distance

28:39

relationship, so they share handwritten

28:42

letters filled with affirmations of love.

28:45

In spite of the physical distance, the tangible

28:48

expression of their feelings meets

28:51

the need for love and belonging, which creates

28:54

connection. Nikki and Mark

28:56

are feeling a, uh, disconnect after the birth of their first

28:59

child. Because of the whole focus

29:02

being put on their baby, they

29:05

decided they would take dance lessons together and hire

29:08

a. Babysitter to care for their child while they're

29:11

gone. The nonverbal communication in their movements

29:15

not only rekindled their romance, but also solidified

29:18

their sense of belonging in each other's lives.

29:20

The sovereign relationship need of fun

29:23

laughter is the universal language of joy,

29:26

emphasizing the importance of infusing fun and

29:29

lightheartedness into your relationship.

29:32

Shared experiences that bring joy and laughter act

29:34

as nonverbal celebrations of each other.

29:38

Whether it's engaging in playful activities or

29:40

reminiscing about joyful moments, the language

29:43

of fun can diffuse tension and

29:46

stress, and that tension and stress doesn't have to.

29:49

Be about you or that relationship.

29:51

Laughter truly is the best medicine for

29:54

a marriage. Injecting fun into your relationship

29:57

without relying on words with a playful game, a

30:00

surprise date, or even sharing a funny

30:02

video can break down barriers and bring joy into your

30:05

lives. Here are two examples.

30:09

Emma and Jack are caught in the monotony of

30:11

daily routines. They are really getting

30:14

bored with each other in the relationship.

30:17

So they decided to introduce a weekly fun

30:20

night where they explored different activities.

30:22

Together and new activities together,

30:25

and they. Each took turns in choosing the activity.

30:29

The joy they experienced during these moments naturally

30:31

translated into a deeper connection because

30:34

the person bringing the partner, bringing the new

30:37

activity would teach teach the other.

30:39

Partner about the activity, and then they.

30:41

Would Sarah and Michael are a couple overcome

30:44

with the demands of daily life. They are so

30:47

stressed, and they're communicating from that space of

30:50

stress without uttering a word.

30:53

The laughter they shared made them forget the thing they were

30:55

upset about, and they satisfied their need for light

30:58

hearted connection. The sovereign relationship

31:01

need of freedom allowing space for

31:04

individual growth and autonomy is

31:06

vital. Giving your partner space to make their own

31:09

choices while you're making your own choices and

31:12

not getting upset with them for making the choice

31:15

and not including you is really

31:18

important for a healthy, happy

31:20

relationship. You could instead of

31:23

blaming them or saying, why didn't you include

31:26

me? Or involve me or discuss it with me first, you

31:29

could instead, uh, say, how can I support

31:32

you? What ways can I get involved and be included

31:35

in this choice you've made? It's a much

31:37

healthier way of handling each

31:40

other's need of autonomy, but also

31:43

building in inclusion and belonging so

31:46

that the need for freedom doesn't conflict with

31:49

the need for belonging. Recognizing the significance of allowing space for

31:54

individual growth within your relationship creates trust,

31:57

love, and support. Silent gestures that

32:00

convey trust and respect for your partner's autonomy can fulfill

32:03

the need for freedom. It might be as simple as giving.

32:06

Your partner time alone to pursue personal interests

32:08

or supporting their individual goals, or giving them half an hour

32:12

to an hour in the morning when they wake up for their daily

32:15

routine until they're. Ready for their day. Here are a couple of

32:18

examples. Sasha and David are pursuing demanding

32:22

careers. There's not much time left in the day

32:25

for each other, so they've learned to give each other

32:28

space without feeling neglected. Sasha

32:31

gives him space when he gets home from work, allowing him to ease

32:34

into home activities at his own pace.

32:37

And David understands that Sasha

32:40

works from home all day, so he takes

32:43

care of some of the household chores that.

32:45

She couldn't get done while she was working.

32:49

Small gestures, like a knowing smile or a supportive

32:52

glance, communicates understanding and respect for their

32:55

individual journeys. Here are a couple

32:57

of examples. Emma and Chris

33:00

are having issues

33:03

with each other's demanding schedules,

33:06

so instead, they acknowledge each other's need for personal

33:09

space. Chris took the initiative to plan a

33:12

solo weekend retreat for Emma, providing her

33:15

the freedom to recharge and pursue her passions

33:17

independently while he took care of their three

33:19

children. He did this by asking when she

33:22

had a weekend completely free,

33:25

without work or other commitments. And he

33:28

didn't say anything else. He just planned the trip for

33:31

her and gave her her gift certificate

33:34

and the details in a beautiful

33:36

envelope and left it on her pillow.

33:39

This reinforced the strength of their relationship with a new

33:42

understanding of each other. The power

33:44

sovereign relationship need. The need for

33:47

power in a relationship is not about control, but about

33:50

feeling valued and respected. I

33:53

advocate for nonverbal affirmations of your partner's

33:56

strengths and contributions. Recognition through

33:59

actions such as acknowledging their achievements with a nod

34:02

and a smile or seeking their input

34:04

fosters a sense of empowerment for each other.

34:07

Power dynamics can silently shape a

34:10

relationship, and needs for control. And

34:13

power can shape it, too, in

34:16

not a healthy way. I advocate for

34:19

mutual empowerment through actions supporting

34:22

your partner's goals. Acknowledging their strengths and sharing

34:25

responsibilities are a powerful way to

34:27

communicate without words.

34:30

Here are a couple examples. Mason and

34:33

Lisa are, uh, grappling with imbalances and decision

34:36

making when it comes to planning date

34:38

nights. So they began taking turns

34:41

planning special occasions. This nonverbal

34:44

negotiation of power dynamics not only strengthened their

34:47

connection, but also created a sense of

34:49

equality. Sure, they had a verbal

34:52

conversations about taking turns

34:54

for planning date nights, but when it was Mason's turn

34:57

or when it was Lisa's turn, there's

35:00

nonverbal planning and scheduling

35:03

and getting there and having

35:06

the date night that takes place.

35:09

Jake and Olivia are facing a challenging decision,

35:12

so they decided to make a collaborative vision board

35:14

to map out their goals. They agreed

35:17

to do this silently as they're

35:20

picking out pictures and words to post on the

35:23

board. The act of recognizing each other's dreams

35:26

and individual aspirations silently conveyed

35:29

a shared sense of power, of influence, solidifying their

35:31

partnership. They did not share

35:34

their feelings or thoughts or what they were seeing

35:37

about their partner's words and

35:40

picture choices. It was a silent

35:42

activity of creating a

35:45

collaborative vision board, and it was amazing the

35:48

result that it produced of

35:51

connection and they started communicating

35:54

in such a different way, a more healthy and

35:56

supportive way. The safety and survival

36:00

sovereign relationship need I cannot

36:03

emphasize enough the importance of creating an

36:06

environment where both partners feel

36:08

secure. Nonverbal cues, such as

36:11

offering a comforting touch during difficult times

36:14

or ensuring a safe physical space can address

36:17

the need for safety and survival without the

36:19

need for explicit communication. Mark and

36:22

Lisa, a couple navigating financial

36:25

uncertainty, found solace in creating

36:27

a joint emergency fund. Although

36:30

Lisa could not contribute as much as her partner,

36:34

she demonstrated how she contributes in other

36:36

ways. Mark agreed with the amount she was

36:39

contributing given the level of her income. In

36:42

fact, he was thrilled she was contributing to the fund

36:45

as it built a sense of co responsibility

36:48

and co equality. Mark and Lisa saw

36:51

that it didn't matter how much they were putting in the fund, as

36:54

long as they started creating the fund,

36:57

and that they had a commitment to exhaust all

36:59

other possibilities when an emergency

37:03

arose so that they could continue building the

37:06

fund instead of depleting it. This

37:08

unspoken commitment and honoring the agreement to each

37:11

other created positive well being

37:14

and provided a silent assurance

37:17

of safety and security, reinforcing

37:20

their relationship, especially in times of

37:22

uncertainty. Alex and Penelope are

37:25

overcoming a, uh, past betrayal, so they

37:28

needed to rebuild trust through small, consistent

37:30

actions. Alex's commitment to being

37:33

transparent, leaving his cell phone easily

37:36

accessible to Olivia when she

37:39

felt insecure and giving her the ability to pick it

37:42

up and look at it, was a strain on

37:44

his need for freedom. But he understood because of the

37:47

past betrayal. For a six

37:50

month period of time, he and Olivia agreed that he

37:53

would leave his cell phone accessible to her.

37:56

Olivia's willingness to forgive silently

37:59

and not constantly look at his phone to

38:01

reinforce. Her safety and survival need and instead.

38:04

Just periodically pick it up out of curiosity when

38:07

she was lighthearted, spoke volumes about

38:10

her commitment to safety and survival and that of her

38:13

partner's safety and survival need. Understanding

38:16

your primary, secondary, and shadow needs will

38:19

provide you profound insights into your relationship

38:22

dynamics. Imagine the benefits of

38:24

unlocking the silent language that can bridge the gaps

38:27

in your marriage through the sovereign relationship needs.

38:31

You can take the sovereign relationship needs quiz

38:34

by going to needs dot

38:36

drdarhawks.com improving

38:39

your marriage doesn't always require lengthy

38:41

conversations or conflict. By implementing these

38:44

practical steps, you can improve your relationship without

38:47

talking about it extensively. I want you

38:50

to know that actions do speak volumes over

38:53

words, and these small, incremental

38:56

steps and efforts can lead to significant

38:59

shifts. I look forward to seeing you and meeting you in the

39:02

next podcast.