0:22

Welcome to episode 36 of the Better

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Relationship podcast. I'm Doctor Dar Hawks,

0:28

the relationship healer, and today's

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topic is all about what makes a relationship

0:33

successful. I'll also cover five

0:35

overarching relationship skills that make a

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relationship successful. By now, you know that your

0:41

romantic relationship can be the source of

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incredible joy and

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sorrow. As a relationship

0:49

expert, I've spent years looking at the threads that

0:52

actually create a successful partnership.

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So today I'm sharing insights into those essential

0:57

elements that make a relationship not just

1:00

survive, but thrive. The first

1:03

one is being unselfish. When you love unselfishly, you

1:09

put the needs and happiness of your

1:11

partner as an equal metric or at par

1:14

with your own. You don't prioritize

1:17

yours over theirs or theirs over yours. You

1:20

look at them, um, at par or

1:22

evenly. You celebrate their successes

1:25

as if they're your own and support your partner's

1:28

problems, concerns and burdens

1:31

as though you're experiencing them too. That

1:33

shows deep empathy and understanding for what

1:36

your partner's going through without a need to fix

1:39

it or diving in to help them move forward to

1:42

a more positive mindset.

1:45

It's just about listening and

1:47

supporting them. Putting yourself first does not mean

1:50

you're being selfish. It does mean you're being

1:53

unselfish. Because when you're at your best, you bring

1:56

your best. Because when you're at your best, you bring your

1:59

best self to your relationship by being a better

2:01

partner in any given moment. The second

2:04

one is connecting communication.

2:08

Communication is the key to success in any

2:11

relationship, to be honest. But not just

2:14

any communication, it must be

2:16

authentic, clear, concise,

2:18

factual, neutral and transparent.

2:22

Romantic partners can get their

2:24

emotions all in a whirl, in a

2:27

swirl, and then try to communicate from that point

2:30

of view. And it usually doesn't go

2:33

well. The results that partners want to get

2:36

out of a conversation usually don't happen when there's an emotional

2:41

upset or charge at play. So

2:44

getting your thoughts clear, being fully

2:46

transparent and authentic, writing out what

2:49

you want to say, and cutting out things

2:52

that are not really going to be helpful to you or

2:55

produce the results you're looking for, as well

2:58

as making your communication

3:01

concise. Short, not long,

3:04

where it takes minutes, 2030

3:07

minutes to communicate and for it to focus on

3:10

the facts, not your story or your experience

3:13

of it. Not saying that that's not important,

3:16

it's just that when you're communicating for transformation in

3:19

your relationship, it's really

3:21

important to be very clear and

3:24

concise and factual,

3:27

and your story or experience of it

3:29

adds, frankly, things that may

3:32

not be factual partners who can openly

3:35

share their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without getting

3:38

into an emotional upset, raising their

3:41

voice or changing their tone, or getting into a fear

3:44

of judgment or being defensive

3:47

build a foundation of trust that,

3:49

frankly, is unshakable. Trust and

3:52

recognition of, uh, triggers and

3:55

the need to heal the triggers

3:58

trust is built over time, and it's the glue that

4:01

holds a relationship together. It's about

4:04

recognizing and understanding each other's past

4:06

triggers, strengths, and weaknesses.

4:09

By being mindful of each other's sensitive

4:12

areas, you can get clear about your own

4:15

triggers. Own them, and not lash out at your partner

4:18

when they get pushed. Because you understand that the

4:21

trigger that got you upset is not your partner's

4:23

accountability or fault, you'll better be able

4:26

to manage your interactions with care and compassion.

4:29

Avoiding unnecessary conflicts

4:32

I find that things that

4:34

upset us or created pain for

4:37

us in past relationships

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that get triggered or that remind

4:43

you that you get reminded of because of

4:46

something your partner did or said, really does

4:49

create a lot of conflict in relationships. So

4:51

spending some time with a therapist or

4:54

your coach, walking through the triggers and

4:57

transforming them into strengths

5:00

is of tremendous benefit, not just to

5:03

you, but also to your partner. And you will

5:06

release the pain that's stored in

5:09

cellular memory so that when the memories show up again, you

5:12

can simply acknowledge them and say, thank

5:14

you. I no longer need this memory to protect

5:17

me anymore. That's just an example of how

5:20

it can happen going forward for you. The next

5:23

one is fair negotiation of resources

5:26

and responsibilities. Relationships truly do consist of a series of

5:31

negotiations and compromises that started

5:34

back when you were dating your partner. Whether it's

5:37

time, attention, or finances, how you negotiate, the

5:40

distribution of your resources and time,

5:43

speaks volumes about the health of your

5:45

personal relationship to time,

5:48

negotiation skills, and the health of your

5:50

relationship. Fairness and generosity,

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which goes back to really being

5:56

factual in these negotiations, are

5:59

indicative of a partnership that values co

6:01

equality and respect. Being co equal

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partners equality is a

6:07

myth to me in relationships because each partner is a

6:10

unique person with unique needs, unique

6:13

skills, strengths, and abilities. Being

6:16

equal means the sameness as in the same amount of

6:18

money, the same chores, the same products,

6:21

the same resources, the same

6:24

strengths, etcetera. But being co

6:27

equal means being equal in rank in

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your relationship, and that allows space for

6:33

individual differences. I feel like this

6:36

search for equality in relationships and

6:38

equality in gender, if you will,

6:41

has really created unnecessary

6:43

conflict in romantic relationships. Being a co equal

6:48

partner allows room for negotiation and

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collaboration and celebration

6:53

of where you notice disagreements or

6:56

differences. Seeing yourself as a co

6:58

equal partner brings a natural sense of

7:01

empowerment to the relationship and reduces

7:04

conflict, defensiveness and

7:07

arguments. I hear couples often

7:10

say they wish things could go back to the way they used to

7:13

be and they get disappointed when they realize

7:16

change happens. As we grow age and

7:18

deal with the dynamics of day to day experiences, nothing really does stay

7:23

the same. Which is why working towards

7:26

and embracing becoming co equals helps couples

7:29

grow together as change happens in

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their life together. Being flexible

7:35

here is essential for

7:38

having a healthy, successful

7:40

relationship. Staying current,

7:43

meaning being present in the now,

7:45

not thinking or talking or discussing about

7:48

discussing things that happened in the past

7:51

that are triggers for you now,

7:54

or not discussing things in the future.

7:57

Unless it's a planning conversation focused about

8:00

planning for your future, being in the now is

8:03

really essential. So a successful

8:06

relationship is dynamic. So adapting day to

8:09

day staying current means

8:12

being present and focusing on the

8:14

present moment. A successful relationship

8:17

is dynamic and adapting

8:20

to day to day change and being flexible with each other

8:23

when your minds change instead of getting upset

8:26

and creating conflict is an advanced

8:28

relationship skill. The good news is that most

8:31

partners are already skilled at doing this at

8:34

work or in their other relationships, but they

8:37

don't bring that skill home. Partners who

8:40

regularly assess their needs and the state of

8:43

their relationship can make necessary

8:45

adjustments real time to stay aligned with

8:48

each other's needs, goals and dreams the

8:51

pillars of a strong relationship there are

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pillars on which a healthy relationship can

8:56

stand. These include being able to be

8:58

yourself around your partner, being best friends,

9:01

being a, uh, healthy, secure and happy partner,

9:04

and having a shared vision for your future

9:07

together. When these pillars are strong, the

9:10

relationship is more likely to withstand the tests of

9:13

time. I'll share my 15 pillars of

9:15

a strong relationship that I use with my clients later

9:18

on in this podcast. The bedrock of a

9:21

healthy relationship a ah, healthy relationship

9:24

does require constant care and feeding

9:27

that is built on trust, dependability,

9:30

realistic expectations, a ah, positive

9:32

outlook using connecting and curious

9:35

communication, deep caring,

9:38

negotiating and compromising, and

9:40

seeing the best in each other instead of

9:43

fixating on all the problems and what's not working.

9:46

When both partners are committed to nurturing these aspects,

9:49

the relationship flourishes. I find when

9:52

I work with couples, by the time they get to me,

9:55

they're 100% focused on what's not working

9:58

in the relationship. But when I start

10:01

asking them questions about what is working,

10:03

it's amazing what shows up. There's

10:06

all this stuff that's really great about

10:09

the relationship. It's just that their critical

10:12

brain has fixated on the negativity

10:15

and the negative aspects of the relationship. That

10:18

they forget about all the things that are really good

10:21

and healthy. A successful relationship is a

10:24

harmonious blend of love, trust, respect,

10:26

communication and

10:29

collaboration. It's about two people coming

10:31

together not to complete or

10:33

compete, but to complement each

10:36

other. It's a journey of shared growth, laughter

10:39

and love between two people who are committed to each other's

10:42

success and the success of their

10:44

relationship. And building that together

10:47

takes time. It takes conversation.

10:50

It takes learning about each other's perspectives and then

10:53

finding where you have common ground while

10:56

allowing the individual differences.

10:59

You don't have to agree with each other. You truly

11:02

can disagree and do your own thing

11:05

and find the commonality in the. In the areas

11:08

that you do disagree and share those.

11:11

Now I want to share the relationship success system that

11:14

I've created for my work with couples.

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The relationship success system serves as a roadmap

11:20

for couples seeking a harmonious and fulfilling

11:23

relationship. It includes various elements

11:26

that contribute to relationship well being.

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It is a comprehensive, practical framework

11:32

designed by me to help you enhance and

11:35

nurture your relationships. Let's explore

11:38

each component at a high level. The sovereign

11:40

relationship needs relationship mindsets and

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behaviors. 15 relationship

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competencies or pillars

11:48

connecting and curious communication

11:51

managing your energy with relational human design

11:54

and the relationship vitality plan.

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I'll start with the five sovereign relationship

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needs. Understanding each other's unique

12:02

needs is crucial. I

12:04

emphasize that, ah. Identifying and honoring your individual needs

12:07

and values within your relationship in the work that I

12:10

do, and by doing so, you both, as a

12:13

couple, can create a foundation of trust and mutual

12:16

support. Understanding each other's sovereign

12:19

relationship need and the one

12:22

that is your weakness is

12:24

really helpful so that you can start to understand

12:27

each other and communicate

12:30

in the language your partner needs, not

12:33

in the language that you use. So an example would

12:36

be sovereign relationship need of love and

12:39

belonging needs. Loving language

12:41

needs time to frame

12:44

the conversation. For example,

12:47

if you're about to say something critical and love and belonging

12:50

isn't your relationship need, but it is

12:53

your partner saying something like, I really

12:56

appreciate you making

12:59

me coffee in the morning. It's so helpful

13:01

to me to get my day started. Can I ask you

13:04

to add or do one thing slightly differently

13:07

for me when you make my coffee? Whereas a, uh,

13:10

power. Someone who has a power sovereign

13:13

relationship need would say, thank you for the coffee. Can you

13:16

add this, please? And so, to love and belonging.

13:19

It can sound really curt and hurtful.

13:22

So we have to learn how to speak each other's

13:25

language from the perspective of the sovereign

13:28

relationship needs. We each have

13:31

to learn your sovereign relationship need

13:34

and that of your partner. I invite you to go and take the

13:36

quiz at needs dot

13:39

drdarhawks.com.

13:41

Next is the relationship mindsets and

13:44

behaviors part of the relationship success

13:47

system? You and your partner's

13:49

thoughts, actions, behaviors,

13:52

words, and gestures significantly impact your relationship and power

13:57

dynamics. I encourage couples I

14:00

work with to cultivate positive relationship

14:03

mindsets and adopt healthy relationship

14:05

behaviors that create connection.

14:08

This includes learning empathy, active

14:11

listening, emotional intelligence, how to say

14:13

things without creating an upset or fight

14:17

using the language of your partner through

14:20

their sovereign relationship need

14:22

and multiple intelligence

14:25

skills. You can learn more about multiple intelligence

14:27

skills by going to drdarhawks.com

14:30

comma, click on the blog link and search for

14:33

multiple intelligence. The third

14:36

component or ingredient of the relationship

14:38

success system are the 15

14:41

relationship competencies that I also call

14:43

pillars. The 15 pillars are

14:46

being m mindful and respectful of each other,

14:49

appreciating and loving each other, balancing

14:52

individuality with being a couple,

14:54

valuing and appreciating each other,

14:57

supporting each other, trusting each other and

15:00

honoring each other's commitments as well as those of your own

15:03

and giving your partner space to honor

15:05

theirs, provide and have emotional

15:08

safety, spiritual safety and

15:10

financial security accepting and

15:13

understanding each other practicing connecting

15:16

communication skills creating common

15:18

ground, creating intimate connection,

15:21

creating harmony and healthy boundaries and

15:24

creating time and space for romance, intimacy,

15:27

and sex. So there's a

15:30

lot that goes into these 15 relationship

15:32

pillars and each one takes

15:35

communication and conversation from

15:38

the lens of your sovereign relationship. Need to

15:41

determine what your needs are around

15:44

each of the pillars and what

15:47

your partner's needs are around each of the pillars.

15:50

The fourth one is using connecting communication.

15:52

Communication is really at the heart of any

15:55

relationship. I coach my clients to

15:57

embrace curiosity driven conversations

16:00

and listening without

16:03

any interruption, or listening without the

16:06

need to share your own perspective.

16:09

Just simply listening and seeking to understand your

16:12

partner and their perspective and echoing that back

16:15

to them. This approach actually creates deeper

16:18

connection and minimizes misunderstandings because

16:21

you're not interjecting your opinion or

16:23

interjecting your interpretation or assumptions

16:26

or reacting or getting defensive or being

16:29

judgmental. You're just listening to your partner sharing.

16:32

And that's a wonderful gift you can give them. When

16:35

they're finished sharing, you can simply say, is there more

16:38

you want to share about that? If they say

16:40

no, then ask them, how can I

16:43

support you in this right? They are a

16:46

sovereign human being just like you are. And

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because you're both sovereign beings, you're entitled

16:52

to your own thoughts and feelings and

16:55

communicating those with you without the need

16:58

to change it, without the need to disagree,

17:01

without the need to criticize.

17:04

You're just listening and

17:07

inviting your partner to share more deeply with you

17:10

and creating a deeper emotional connection.

17:12

The fifth one is managing your energy with relational human

17:15

design. Energy management is often overlooked

17:18

but essential. I introduce principles

17:21

from relational human design, and you can search for

17:24

that on my website to learn more about it

17:27

by clicking on services and then clicking

17:30

on relational human design. By working with

17:33

each couple's human design, I help

17:36

them optimize their energy flow, manage their moods,

17:39

understand their own decision making and

17:41

communication barriers that can cause disconnection, and learn how to restore

17:46

positive, healthy energy between each other.

17:49

Understanding each other's energy patterns

17:52

is what relational human design is, and

17:55

it can lead to better alignment and balance.

17:58

The last one is creating a

18:01

relationship vitality plan. I

18:03

encourage couples to create a personalized relationship

18:06

vitality plan. This involves setting

18:09

intentions, prioritizing self care, and nurturing

18:12

the relationship intentionally, consciously and

18:15

actively. I have created a

18:18

framework that's practical that you can use

18:21

to guide your conversations called the

18:24

relationship vitality plan, and it

18:26

includes all 15 relationship competencies or

18:29

pillars, with space for you and your partner to

18:32

identify and document what each of you would like

18:35

the other to start, stop, or continue doing.

18:38

It also includes space for agreements that you make to

18:41

each other for each competency that you can use to

18:44

check in on progress with each other each month

18:47

or each quarter. I also include a, uh,

18:50

section for appreciation and

18:52

tracking balances in your emotional

18:55

bank account. Because you're both making

18:58

contributions or withdrawals from each other's emotional

19:01

bank account. I talk more about what that is

19:04

in the relationship vitality plan. The

19:07

plan adapts as the relationship and your life

19:09

evolves and is reviewed and updated if needed, at

19:12

least twice a year. I think quarterly

19:15

is great because it removes those upsets that happen day

19:18

to day. You know, the little things that all of a

19:21

sudden become big things, and then it

19:24

results in a fight or saying something

19:27

that's in a way that's unkind. It

19:29

prevents that from happening because, you know, you have a

19:32

structure and a schedule to focus on the

19:35

relationship and talk about how things are going.

19:38

Reviewing your vitality plan more frequently on your

19:41

own can also serve as a relationship

19:44

health check in to help you clarify where you're

19:46

feeling disconnected or where you feel there's an issue

19:49

that might need to be addressed. And then you

19:52

can just jot notes of it, jot notes of the example to

19:55

remind you. And then when you have your scheduled,

19:58

prescheduled relationship vitality

20:01

plan meeting with your partner, you can address it. Then

20:04

that takes the emotional heat out of you

20:07

and the pressure day to day. Because you'll

20:10

know what to say and you'll know what to ask for to

20:13

restore harmony in that area of your relationship

20:15

vitality plan. And if you don't have a meeting

20:18

schedule, schedule one because it creates the

20:21

container to talk about your relationship during that

20:24

meeting time instead of just blurting it out when it

20:27

bothers you or when it's become something too

20:30

big that you just explode. It's unfair to

20:33

you and it's unfair to your partner to manage your emotions

20:36

and manage your day to day. Uh,

20:38

upsets that way. Relationships do require

20:41

ongoing effort and commitment. My

20:44

relationship success system provides valuable tools to

20:47

navigate challenges, build healthy communication

20:50

skills, deepen your connections, and create

20:53

lasting love. To get started on building

20:56

your relationship success and vitality plan, I

20:59

invite you to book a coaching session with me today.

21:02

You can do that by going to huddle.

21:06

Um, and if you're not quite ready for

21:09

a coaching session and instead are more interested in a

21:12

DIY tool, you can get the better

21:15

relationships toolkit, which will walk you through the best

21:18

of my coaching tools and techniques to

21:21

get started right away. And if you want to dive into the

21:24

relationship vitality plan now, you can do

21:27

that as well. Those links are

21:30

Toolkit dot drdarhawks.com

21:34

and vitality dot

21:36

drdarhawks.com. And if

21:39

at any time you find you'd like some support

21:42

or some guidance to set up the

21:45

conversation for you, for you

21:48

and your partner, contact me and

21:51

let's connect. That's all for now. I

21:54

look forward to connecting with you in the next podcast, or

21:57

via a coaching session, or through the toolkit,

21:59

or as you build your relationship vitality

22:02

plan for yourself and for your partner.