0:00

Parker's you believe that? is that what the

0:02

name of it is. No All Cow Podcast

0:04

in this a part of the Dabble Verse

0:06

and a know anything about that whole world

0:08

part of the diddle verse game. Is that

0:10

what you got that year guys? my birth

0:12

and the did overs. Now you know that

0:15

guy. Boogie, that big fat guy. Who's.

0:17

Got cancer. And right under Callum.

0:19

Soften Yeah but I'm Kelly. My father did feel

0:22

like a cry for help and it it is

0:24

a cry or are that he has. I held

0:26

my that cry for my girlfriend. A comeback can

0:28

keep sucking my cock. That's what it is. He

0:30

had a girlfriend. Can you believe that? Maybe she

0:33

killed herself? Maybe that's why she has been shown

0:35

up. No I don't believe that. And yeah right

0:37

I really like a there is anybody many magic

0:39

guy said he was leaving Twitter I had but

0:42

then today tweeted out I know I said I

0:44

love Twitter Boom. You're not

0:46

leaving Twitter. You should Left Earth. On

0:48

a fat she and less space

0:50

ship from the planet Fat Pluto

0:52

Alligator Sit You are searching for

0:54

an insult in the found that

0:56

thats vaginally earth on a spaceship.

0:58

A fat space. Yeah I wish

1:00

I got tired and I had

1:03

this conversation. I wish fat shaming

1:05

worked on me more. I. Am

1:07

I wish it did? It just doesn't work out like

1:09

I wish you weren't at all out. Know I wish

1:11

when people were like you fab he's a shit. I

1:13

wish I felt there. You know, I

1:16

just don't. I

1:18

just like right now Dana

1:20

fat shaming is interesting. Because.

1:22

I just love it. I like being fat but.

1:25

I. Also like the idea of having

1:27

sex with now see I don't for

1:30

active. I don't I'm right in vivo.

1:32

What? Would you know about that?

1:34

I'm Sandra Ah V. Baltimore. You

1:37

slay them all. And senior year

1:39

more bothered by the attractive? I'm

1:42

more bothered by the people. Should

1:44

just be gals. Some guys and

1:46

they're on occasion, really attractive ones

1:49

now. Tracks from. Women:

1:52

They're. All they're all fine. But yeah

1:54

now my. My.

1:56

Horizons have been stunted based on

1:58

my. girth At

2:01

a certain point, you know, you're like, you're talking to somebody online and

2:04

they're like, ah, cool, can I see a picture of you? And he's

2:06

in the picture and I'm like, eh. Just send him a fake picture.

2:08

Send him a picture of Harvey Weinstein. At some point, at

2:10

some point, you got to meet up. The Weinstein picture's

2:12

a good idea. Yeah. Because then they

2:14

go, well, he's fat, but maybe he could do something. Maybe he could

2:16

do something for me. I got to get on that J-Dude. Why

2:20

would you... I want a Jewish girlfriend.

2:22

This is going to be like October 7th all

2:24

over again. Why a Jewish girlfriend? Uh, okay. Let's...

2:27

Okay. I feel like they're at their

2:29

lowest popularity ever. And this is what you're doing. You're

2:32

trying to buy low. Popularity is not... Yeah. First

2:34

of all, buy low is a good point. Yeah. It's

2:36

a very Jewish tendency. You're like, I'm going to get

2:38

them while they're on the down slope, you see. I

2:41

mean, the Jews have been on a down slope for

2:43

many, many centuries, but they had a brief coming

2:45

up period. No. What are

2:48

you talking about? They're bigger than ever. Yeah, the

2:50

last hundred. They're like, make it, Godzilla. The Jews

2:52

are... I think they're out there doing pretty good.

2:54

So you want to get in on that? I

2:56

want a little Jewish heiress to call my own.

2:58

You want to tell her to have her dad

3:00

make your comic book into a movie and wait,

3:02

son? Yeah, force me to be a... I heard

3:04

they already made it into a movie. Shut up.

3:08

I thought we talked about

3:10

it. I want to be

3:12

like that Jewish kid. Did you talk to him? Did you

3:14

have a therapy session with Vito? Yeah, we had a therapy

3:16

session. I went, if that's true, sue them. But

3:20

Vito's like, no, no. Maybe they'll bring me in

3:22

on the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to

3:24

be in on that look. Well, we need half

3:26

a script written. Can you come in? I have

3:28

to wait for it to come out to see

3:31

what the similarities are, okay? I would just go...

3:33

I would just be as frivolous with this puzzle.

3:35

Like, hey, my friends told me your whole goddamn

3:37

movie might be my movie or my

3:39

story. Yeah, why not? Well, maybe you could just... There's no chance

3:41

that they stole it from you. Why don't you just, like, go

3:43

big? There's a chance. How?

3:46

What chance? Well, I mean, you know, my ideas are

3:48

out there in the ether. I'm a very popular and

3:51

influential guy. Who knows? You

3:53

know, it might... It's possible that... You think Deadpool's going

3:55

to rape a cat with a Q-tip in the movie?

3:57

No, maybe he will. That's actually in the trailer. That's

3:59

in the trailer. It's off, but it's

4:01

in the trailer. I think it's possible

4:03

that somebody a caught wind my brilliant

4:05

ideas He's

4:08

fiddling with stuff like I need

4:10

a I need a diet coke damn it well

4:13

go you better go you got 40 seconds You

4:15

better run That's not running am

4:17

I gonna have to do the song I? Don't

4:20

know the word We'll

4:22

wait This fucking guy.

4:24

I need a diet coke or

4:27

I'm gonna fiddle with this fucking spoon in my thing

4:30

You think I put something good in the veto treasure

4:32

box this week. I don't know I'm kind of

4:34

excited to see what's in veto's booty mm-hmm I

4:38

Like I like the Ricky with the helmet though

4:40

the first time you busted that out dude I

4:42

I'm not kidding. I was cry laughing on my

4:44

fucking couch Because

4:46

if you you what is great about

4:48

it is you do have the confidence

4:51

of a down syndrome Like

4:53

they're so you know, but they're

4:55

so adamant Yeah,

4:57

like yeah, you think I know what I'm talking about You

5:01

don't think I'm the and they fuck with you

5:03

sometimes yeah, I'm just kidding yeah, I'm kidding yeah

5:06

Maybe this whole thing's a scam yeah Trying to

5:08

think so I felt about the fastest I've ever

5:10

seen you go that's how I thought about my

5:12

grandmother's Alzheimer's sometimes She'd be calling some black guy

5:15

the n-word at a fucking restaurant Yeah, and then

5:17

she'd throw you a wink and you're like you

5:20

don't really have Alzheimer's D. You're just racist Are

5:24

you ready to do the show now? I'm ready to do the

5:26

show I went to get a beverage Another

5:28

beverage I drank a car I drank

5:30

the coffee before the show that you always told me to I

5:34

actually don't know if it has the sound been

5:36

going out test one one two well Let

5:39

me see that looks like sound why

5:41

somebody's saying there's no sound no the sound upstairs. I

5:43

heard the song up So you did yeah, you're good

5:48

I was watching the show playing upstairs

5:50

I'm gonna transition over then there we

5:52

go Wow you completely have

5:54

fucked up everything I can't I could be

5:57

that guy you want to be check Dixon

5:59

no You know the Chuck Dixon bit?

6:01

Who is Chuck Dixon there? I think that's you. I

6:04

don't know the bit. I can figure out the bit

6:06

is that Chuck Dixon makes you imagine. There we go.

6:08

Oh, Chuck Dixon's coming over. That gay porn, like whatever

6:10

you do, he makes you

6:12

imagine that you're walking in on like a

6:14

gay scene. Oh, so he's the producer of

6:16

that Nickelodeon documentary where it's like slime? That's

6:18

calm. It's like who decided that? Imagine you

6:20

turn on a children's television program and it's

6:23

full of cum. Nobody wants that.

6:25

That's his bit. I don't think anybody

6:27

made that. Right. I

6:30

could save Chuck. But he's a right wing, you know.

6:32

Oh yeah. No, he's defending the children.

6:34

Right. Yeah. Imagine a

6:36

bunch of kids soaked in cum. You wouldn't want that,

6:38

would you? Yeah,

6:40

that's what he does on that.

6:44

Horseman? That's Chuck Dixon's.

6:46

Yeah. Okay. Imagine a big

6:48

horse came at you down an alleyway and tried to rape you with a big

6:50

stick. No one wants that. And he

6:52

was underage. And he was underage. Well, horse is

6:54

underage. The horse was only 18 months old. Oh

6:58

my God. That's a lot going on. Are

7:00

you guys ready? Yeah. You

7:02

ready for Vito's booty this week? Why

7:05

do you immediately lead with that? Like it's

7:07

a... You know somebody... Something special is going

7:09

to happen. Am I trying to look like Troy McClure in

7:11

the Muppet episode? Look at my face. A little bit. No,

7:13

I don't know. I don't know. The kind

7:16

of leather with the... Yeah. The limes. Can

7:18

I take your dainty hoof in marriage? Am I expecting to

7:21

look like Troy McClure? No, you just... You see how much

7:23

sun and cocaine I might see. No, it's a very Tom

7:25

Selleck look. You look

7:27

more like... Ooh. Los Feliz

7:29

Tom Selleck. Los Feliz? Yeah.

7:32

You're going to go with me to... What do you call

7:34

it? Los Feliz? Because you're one of these

7:36

guys? Los Feliz, yeah. You see... Yeah,

7:39

he lives in Los Feliz. You get a mortgage going

7:41

and they go like, this is how we say it

7:43

when we own land. Los Angeles.

7:45

Let the peons use the correct

7:47

Hispanic pronunciation. Yeah. Can I have

7:49

your dainty hoof in marriage like

7:51

that? You look good. All right.

7:53

You got it? You ready? Yeah.

7:57

Let's go. Josh Denny is here today. Yeah.

8:01

That's very low. Always

8:10

fucking matter. If you ever

8:12

have beer to bring it, you will not.

8:15

Welcome to the biggest problem in

8:17

the universe. We always

8:19

thought of Mergy's cringy corporate promotion.

8:21

To Vito trying to eat everything

8:23

in the ocean. The most fantastic,

8:26

and winningly as always, Vito just

8:28

walled me up. Joining us also

8:30

is Josh Benning. Hey. Josh

8:33

Benning, how you doing? I'm good,

8:35

man. It's good to see you guys. It's been

8:37

a little while. It's been a while. I think

8:39

your last appearance I was updating the show graphic

8:41

was May of last year. May, wow. They're

8:44

saying Rip Car in the chat. Yeah, we've

8:46

never addressed this, by the way, publicly. We've

8:48

only addressed that publicly. I just want to

8:50

tell you, fuck you forever for making me

8:52

side with Destiny. Because he was

8:54

100% right on his take of

8:57

the entire incident. I was on the R.I.P.

8:59

car. He goes, well, were you

9:01

making fun of his religion? And he's like,

9:03

well, not really. He's like, yeah, but you

9:05

were, though. I was praying for you over

9:07

here, Vito. I was not making

9:09

fun of your religion. We. The we. That was

9:11

the life. I'm the only we. I don't even

9:13

know. The sick wasn't praying. Don't

9:16

speak for dick. When I think of Josh Benning, I don't

9:18

think, oh, that big religious guy who prays all the time.

9:20

And you are correct. That's not me. I'm not that kind

9:22

of religion. I'm not riffing on your

9:24

religion. I don't know that there's somebody out there. You're

9:26

a priest or something. He and me are 40s wins.

9:29

Praying for you, priest Denny. Come

9:31

on. It was not a religious thing. But it

9:34

was intended to be country. And then you go, well,

9:36

he's a comic. We're comics, right? They go, well, you

9:39

wouldn't call somebody after their kid hung

9:41

themselves. It'd be like, what a fraggot.

9:44

Your car is different from your kid getting

9:46

hung. That's different. And it wasn't even

9:48

your car. That's

9:50

if someone else's kid got hung. That's

9:52

a whole different thing. But it prevented

9:54

me from ever renting from that company

9:56

ever again. Yeah, exactly. That's like someone

9:58

else's daughter. But then I

10:00

had to go out and get a new stripper which was in

10:02

it's a process No problem. I'm

10:05

sorry your preferred paper is dead. Yeah, I

10:07

like renting them now. I had to buy

10:12

We are here in the beautiful

10:14

biggest problem studio excited for you

10:16

in another show yeah, it's been a

10:18

wild week You know

10:20

what else he he pretends that he doesn't know why

10:23

people are pissed at him Yeah, you

10:25

see you did you see him? Tending why he's

10:27

mad at me. Yes, Star Wars girl. I don't

10:29

actually know why she's mad at me I have

10:31

let's see does it maybe start with the 12

10:33

months of Melanie Mac harassment Part

10:36

of the really good friends with Melanie Mac.

10:38

I guess you they're all friends with them

10:40

They're with you part of the mayor verse

10:42

aren't they yeah? Everyone

10:44

has a verse now you got me an

10:46

infinity a goblin or something. She's a goblin

10:49

uh I've had to a word But

10:51

is mint salad see okay? Here's the other

10:53

thing. I don't keep I don't watch these

10:55

shows So I don't without my dick in

10:57

my hand. Yeah, okay. I'm speeding off frantically to

11:00

a Chrissy mayor Wait you do it with his

11:02

name I brag. Oh better. She mayor of

11:04

all of them. Yeah, yeah, cuz she's got

11:06

that kid in there So it's a two-for-one

11:09

Here we go Yeah

11:17

She just had the Baby bump

11:19

that sexy baby bump anyway, I don't

11:21

know who eggs I was not gonna like any of

11:23

it. Oh, I'm you crazy You

11:27

know he's like I do but I bet you

11:29

maybe defend you as a pedophile okay now Frank

11:32

came to me in some DMS. We had a discussion. It was funny.

11:35

Yeah, you yeah, and now you're talking about coming to his unborn I'm

11:39

not really well, we're born. I don't know if I

11:42

very counter on her yet the Baby

11:44

when it I tried to take Chrissy where like 18

11:46

years in two months on the counter You

11:49

know how do clocks in his place like oddsy mandyas

11:51

from watchman? I

12:01

was making a pregnancy fetish joke, that's

12:03

it, it was a joke. A

12:07

pedophile joke. A pregnancy fetish is not a

12:09

pedophile thing, is it? I mean, you're the

12:11

expert, I don't know. I

12:14

have a pregnancy fetish. I know some

12:16

guys do. Well then you've narrowed it down. I've narrowed it

12:18

down. I almost had one one time

12:20

because I was doing a show in North Dakota

12:22

and the hottest chick there actually happened to be

12:24

pregnant and I was like, do I

12:26

say, it was like one of those pregnant? Enough

12:29

to see, like this much. It

12:31

is kind of weird, yeah. Seven, eight

12:33

months or whatever, but others. You're having sex in

12:35

the presence of a child. They go from like

12:37

a fat guy to like an appliance. Well it

12:39

also wasn't- Princey Mary's at the appliance level right

12:41

now. She's pulling a full danny body, despite

12:44

all of her efforts to work out beyond that.

12:47

But yeah, the North Dakota chick, I saw her

12:49

from the back and she was wearing one of

12:51

those Marty McFly North Face vest. So

12:53

she looked slim and trim from the back and then she

12:56

turned to the side. But then I was chatting

12:58

her up at the bar and I was like, I

13:00

think I could do this. She was smoking a couple cigarettes

13:02

and knocking some drinks back. And then all right, she's down

13:05

to party. And the guy who put that in there showed

13:07

up and weared the whole

13:09

deal. Cock blocking fathers.

13:12

I was going to say real quick is- You

13:15

know she was white. I guess mint salad never

13:17

happened if she weren't. I was going to ask.

13:19

She was North Dakota. She

13:22

was like North Dakota. Yeah, the father showed

13:24

up. Oh yeah. But oh yeah,

13:26

they're running like some

13:28

kind of outreach program to race mix. Yeah,

13:30

they used to have big brothers and sisters. Now

13:33

they have like new dad. Yeah. Yeah. They'd

13:35

like to be a new dad. You go in there and they've got

13:37

like a whiteboard and you can write your name up and sign

13:39

up. It's pretty cool. I was trying to figure out,

13:42

does the mint salad go on Chrissy Maris show now? Well,

13:45

I don't know. Sometimes, right? That's a

13:47

person? You want to weasel your way in? No, no,

13:49

no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying, sexy

13:51

lady. I've had to kind of back off of, I

13:54

don't want to cause trouble for people. That's

13:56

a lie. Okay. you

14:00

lying that lie to certain illustrated

14:02

industry that would disagree with you

14:05

who's bully I don't want there to be I

14:07

don't want there to be bad blood you know

14:09

I want everybody to be able to go on

14:12

whatever show they want and have fun that's it

14:14

okay I don't yeah I know so we're

14:16

fighting now okay I died who are you talking

14:18

about why are you bringing this weird apology in

14:20

it right at the front no are you not

14:22

fighting with no no I'm fighting with I don't

14:24

know who I'm fighting with we're on

14:26

good terms I got a

14:28

new car I'd be yours up on the way in house

14:31

that'll be a nice bit all over it I like my

14:33

car Nina sent me a weird DM where

14:35

she called me a liar and then said

14:37

I heard her feelings I was like that's

14:40

a hell of a way to send me

14:42

a bunch of weird DM and it worked

14:44

on you didn't work on me didn't work

14:46

it clearly worked cuz you're all fucking verklempt

14:48

over here apologizing for something I'm not apologizing

14:50

all I'm saying is I don't want to

14:53

cause trouble for other people in the network

14:55

or whatever else so what I

14:58

don't know the network is Hezbollah and Hamas

15:00

I just can't people come to me and you know it's

15:02

like I was not Switzerland was a

15:05

small country Switzerland

15:08

ate Luxembourg I

15:10

don't know why Star Wars girl band

15:12

are blocked me that's it that's I

15:14

don't know why well maybe because I

15:16

hate Nina infinity and I still hate

15:18

being infinity I also hate that

15:20

we call these people by their fucking screen I

15:22

don't order real name is first year of the

15:25

internet you know what I mean

15:27

like yeah it's just I

15:29

want to see where this is going I don't

15:31

know where it's going it's just an awkward

15:33

situation for whom not for her for everybody

15:35

now not for me well that's the thing

15:37

I didn't think it was weird like I

15:39

thought everybody just kind of understood it's like

15:42

hey if there's like you

15:44

know little drama beefs between people

15:46

like hey don't get involved you guys shit on

15:48

people on the show and then you try to

15:50

make nice outside of the show and then I

15:52

don't know him under the bus even trying to

15:54

tell you've been you've been throwing me under the

15:56

bus no who do you think I threw you

15:58

under the bus for I don't know But

16:00

Josh seems to have his finger on the pole.

16:02

No, no, I was just that's just what I

16:04

assumed from your body language I'm just always getting

16:07

messages from people like hey Vito You

16:09

know it would really help me out if you

16:12

would back off here on this or we're not

16:14

this is woman or whatever Biden

16:16

you get messages from like sweet baby in

16:18

gas or whatever else That's

16:21

like this is why women can't hang out with comedians

16:23

because we can all sit around and be like we're

16:25

all gays Right, and then we're laughing. Well, you know

16:27

We met each other. You know the night going it's

16:30

usually a lot of like women drama and women Isn't

16:32

that why you behave in the way you behave to

16:34

get attention from people? positive

16:36

or negative What do you mean? I

16:39

mean don't you engender this sort of response by

16:41

like by attacking people? They what I

16:43

think and like I get in trouble because the things I

16:45

think are not popular Yeah,

16:48

you know like when you call women a cunt

16:50

that's not popular. I'm not allowed to say that

16:53

You got to really mean it though. I really do

16:55

and this is coming from a guy who throws it

16:57

out pretty loosely Look,

16:59

I think you who

17:01

hurt you like you are hurt. I'm not hurt just

17:05

I'm trying to let everybody have fun. I'm having

17:08

fun This

17:12

feels like we're talking to Dan Schneider after

17:14

that documentary came

17:16

out for the kids

17:18

I Don't want to look at

17:20

the camera tell Amanda Bynes how

17:22

bad you feel. Yeah, sorry you made her so

17:24

fast I guess I guess I'm just figuring out

17:27

where my place and all this is,

17:29

you know I'm still figuring to a woman or

17:31

women. I have like I have way tell me

17:33

young man I haven't speaking to a woman that

17:35

I don't know about I have certain

17:38

female a gal talk I have certain

17:41

female commentators DMing me and

17:43

you listen to me young man Have

17:45

you been speaking to a woman as

17:47

she put these ideas in your head? Women

17:50

are confusing. Let's put it that way in

17:52

a way it is. It is a lot

17:54

easier when it's just men train wrecks are

17:56

confusing Yeah, how about that and keep going?

17:58

Yeah? Well, it seems like a lot

18:03

of these women want to join in on the

18:05

fun of like oh it's an internet shitfight we're

18:07

all gonna get involved in it I'm like okay

18:10

it's an internet shitfight let's do it you

18:12

fucking whore no you're falling for the what

18:14

do you mean hold on what you're telling

18:16

me that when

18:21

they go you could treat me like a regular

18:23

person you fucking believe that yeah you believe now

18:25

you get feminist yeah that's

18:27

it that's the problem that yeah but the

18:29

ideology you see you see them as equals

18:31

yeah well that's where you go wrong see

18:33

that'll burn you every time yeah it's honestly

18:36

not that I see them as equals that

18:38

I see them as better no

18:40

no no the opposite in that

18:42

like more better they're they're very

18:44

stupid women and they

18:46

get themselves into situations that they were I

18:49

didn't say they're stupid well I

18:51

think they are stupid I definitely believe

18:53

that like a fox on fire without

18:55

crashing the women are necessarily clever they're

18:58

crafty which is different from clever crafty

19:00

they have schemes they're not clever schemes

19:02

they're very blatant and obvious crafty like

19:04

a blimp yeah yeah what if I

19:07

call this guy a sex

19:09

predator a million times maybe he'll kill

19:11

himself that's not exactly clever but it

19:14

is crafty because you know it'll work it's

19:16

effective yeah yeah they did that this working

19:18

on you how big your where's your suicide

19:20

a meter at today I just I don't

19:22

have a graphic for that in here get

19:24

you like a doomsday clock somebody I

19:26

know I got a lot of

19:28

those doomsday clocks if you need one so

19:30

somebody said recently they're a young girl's name

19:33

off of it but you can put vetoes

19:35

they said they said and Chrissy Mayer's daughter

19:37

to it 19 years now you got

19:39

a thing oh no

19:41

son or son that's or trans daughter or

19:43

trans daughter yeah it'd be anything what should

19:45

do does she I don't think they have

19:47

a name for their trans pool we should

19:49

come up with a money down on him

19:51

transitioning anybody oh yeah no that would be

19:53

a good one I just think

19:56

anytime you get tangled up

19:58

in women's problems It's

20:01

just bad. So... It

20:03

sounds like you're paying for someone else's child. Sounds

20:06

like a guy who's paying for someone else's child's

20:09

life. Are you myron for

20:11

a person's pet? Women have made me miserable. Women are

20:13

a source of great misery. They're

20:15

bad. They're psychopaths. They're crazy.

20:17

Fucking Picasso over there. And

20:20

then if you call them out for being psychopaths, they

20:22

start crying, and then you're like, okay, well... And you

20:24

win. Well, sure. That's God's way of

20:26

telling you that you won. You can enjoy your erection

20:28

on your own time. It's one

20:30

of those things where it just feels

20:32

so weirdly pathetic that you're like, okay,

20:34

I'll just... whatever. I'm

20:37

sorry. I'm not sorry, but... You know you can

20:39

just not, right? You

20:42

know you can just not. Look,

20:45

it's all very complicated. I've always wondered what

20:47

it would feel like to feel something other

20:49

than rage, and I'm seeing it. I

20:52

don't like it. It's like bewildered confusion, like, what

20:54

am I supposed to do with this? I just

20:56

think it's funny that, like, when they cry or

20:58

sad that you go like, aww, and we're like,

21:00

this is a fucking work. I know what's happening.

21:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is obviously a manipulation. Okay,

21:06

I know it's a work, but it's also

21:08

one of those works where it's like... It

21:10

works. Yeah, maybe. I don't

21:12

know. Well, anyway... What

21:15

a great show we have. Gosh, you've got a comedy

21:17

special coming up for you. I do, actually. Hopefully

21:19

no women show up to that. It's April

21:21

22nd. You guys will be there. Yeah, I can't

21:24

wait. You've sold tickets already, right? Yeah, well, they're

21:26

free, so they weren't hard to sell, but we're

21:28

trying to fill it in. What's the makeup of the

21:30

crowd, would you say? Will you be including a free comic

21:32

with the ticket? Yeah, actually, if you go on our Kickstarter,

21:34

there's all kinds of tiers. Did you get a $40 comic

21:36

and a lunch box and some pie? My

21:40

comic is not $40. What y'all

21:42

don't understand is the cost of

21:44

distribution behind the scenes, aye? Oh,

21:49

I didn't know I was gonna get it.

21:51

No, don't worry. Don't enable his shaft bit.

21:54

What if I like the shaft bit? It's a great bit. Yeah, cool.

21:56

What do you mean? I'm very quick with that button. Yeah. See what

21:58

I thought. was if

22:00

we're gonna shoot a special we might as well

22:02

buy a warehouse. That would be good. A theater.

22:05

You can do four specials a year. Yeah and

22:07

then we can... So is it sold out or

22:09

are tickets still available? Tickets are still available. People

22:11

just go to... it's on my Twitter. There's

22:14

a link on there. twitter.com/Josh Denny.

22:16

Yes. Yes. Can we bring

22:19

booze? Yeah there's booze there. Can we

22:21

bring it though? You don't need to. You're a performer.

22:23

Free booze? Yeah it's free for you. What about for

22:25

everybody else? We're gonna have to pay a little. You

22:27

pay for booze. Yeah booze costs money but the show...

22:30

The show's at a legit... we've

22:32

been to that place. What's the name of that venue?

22:35

It's called The End. The End. They got good food

22:37

there. Food's free for the talent too

22:39

right? Yeah there'll be a spread. What

22:41

kind of spread? I wanna order off the menu. That's

22:44

the talent? Is that how you refer

22:47

to yourself? The talent. I

22:49

don't even refer to myself as the talent. You gotta refer

22:51

to yourself as the talent. And there's a crew there filming

22:53

me that night. I'm just the guy talking.

22:55

Can you guys make sure you get the talent?

22:57

Yeah yeah. You're getting good shots of the talent?

22:59

You mean you? Yeah I'm just gonna make sure

23:01

that Vito's with us the whole day because my

23:03

guys are like, hey do you think we'll be

23:05

able to get like some good behind the scenes

23:07

or b-roll and stuff? Yeah get some b-roll of

23:09

me and all the free Philly cheesesteaks. Yeah

23:11

as long as Vito's around we'll be fine. I'll

23:14

hang out all day. I'm supposed to do stand-up

23:16

at this thing. You got new material? Have you

23:18

seen his old material? Shut up. It's not that.

23:20

I've seen all of his material. You

23:23

should do more Truman shows. Am I gonna

23:25

do the Truman show? Well what'll happen is

23:27

your best set you ever did was after

23:29

a bitch killed herself so maybe God is

23:31

putting these miserable women in your place so

23:33

that one of them kills themselves and then

23:35

gives you the uplift of material you need

23:37

for the show. I saw that Robin Tran

23:39

lady is doing like a net. Don't ever

23:41

call that a lady in my presence. I

23:44

will not accept it. What is this? Uh Sarah.

23:46

If you want me to. Is it a car

23:48

or something? If you want me to call you

23:50

by a new gender you have to at least

23:52

try to be that gender. That's my rule. There's

23:54

a transgender comedian named uh... If you put on

23:56

a dress you're still Vito. Robin Tran who was

23:58

also at that wake for my... Friend yeah,

24:00

it wasn't a bit on the nose an Asian.

24:02

She was his dead friend. I didn't know her

24:04

at all Yeah, and well you didn't

24:07

know Sarah you know sir. No wait. I'm just saying

24:09

you could have said our day our dead friend I

24:11

just So

24:14

it's One

24:23

story today without getting immediately shit

24:25

on anyway Robin

24:28

Tran was at the wake and bombed. I'm

24:30

gonna say up on stage Yeah, and then

24:32

I got up there, and I dominated killed,

24:34

and I don't know why I'm not getting

24:36

a Netflix comedy special No,

24:42

I it's what's in the pan

24:47

What is or is not yeah, I said he's gonna

24:49

take Vito on a pretty woman shopping spree Yeah, we

24:51

want to do that as part of this. I would

24:53

be good video roll for the special Yeah,

24:56

we want to Probably

25:00

in Big Mac container. I think

25:02

that's more I'm

25:11

getting that hair I'm

25:14

going to what is it Dubai or wherever not

25:16

oh you're gonna get the trunk gonna get Tron's

25:18

plug I'm gonna get Tron's plants. Yeah, my buddy's

25:20

just got him. I don't you lose a

25:22

little bit of weight for I'm also doing that You're

25:25

gonna do at the same time Well,

25:27

I'm gonna get one piece of hair for

25:29

every pound you lose well I

25:35

think by the end of this year. You're gonna see a

25:38

different looking guy. You're gonna feel good about it

25:40

You're gonna recast it. I've been taking that aside

25:43

I've been taking that on here.

25:45

We're taking that a finasteride the

25:47

minoxidil Okay, and I got

25:49

a little bit more growth going holy shit

25:53

Fabio over here No,

25:57

that's there is some growth Let

26:00

me do that. It's connected What

26:04

did that not happen before fucking

26:06

he did a oculus repair on that

26:09

hairline You're right.

26:11

Sorry pretty good pretty good It

26:15

almost touch you got to get that spray on stuff from

26:17

the 80s fill it all in Your

26:22

hair journey my hair journey. Yeah, I think

26:24

if I stay on this stuff for another six months

26:28

You just gotta get the basic if I can get

26:30

this front part to come back. That's the goal Yeah,

26:32

then you can do whatever you want. Thank you. Well

26:34

cuz my money's bang flip it up. Yeah, then you

26:36

flip it up You bang I pretty much just have

26:39

that one little patch I was

26:41

gonna say you want to go with me you can get

26:43

a little a little fill in on the front there. Nah,

26:46

come on It's

26:49

gonna be beautiful. All right centering on

26:51

one of my problem Last

26:55

hmm last week it was corporate sponsored

26:57

memes. It was a big winner That

27:01

was me yeah, good job Then

27:04

hoarding number two. That was me too

27:06

many stop signs. That was me and buffet anxiety

27:09

Should have been higher. I agree. What

27:11

do you think about buffet anxiety? How

27:15

fucking fast do I look I mean, I know I'm not saying

27:17

when you go to the Just

27:19

wall be over here the body's done. Let me work

27:22

on the hair There's a level when

27:24

you're at the buffet a little bit like deck

27:26

chairs on the tape You're

27:29

gonna discount cuz it's not gonna help very much

27:32

it'll help effect I would hair is To

27:36

get my edges, buddy, you guys all have

27:38

nice hair. You know, what my hair. That's

27:40

why it looks good Hair

27:42

is funny. I'm still so unhappy. Doesn't that mean

27:44

you doesn't that make you think me? Well, honestly,

27:46

that's I make a case for being fat is

27:49

like all it's all you things out there with

27:51

your depression and anxiety Why don't you fucking eat

27:53

something and calm down? It's true. The food is

27:55

very it makes you happy This is my only

27:58

shows with fat guys. He's coming thin all Yeah,

28:00

man this your stomach should be

28:02

larger than your head when you look at

28:05

the size It's like a bikini model. Yeah,

28:07

I like you work out. Yeah

28:09

a little bit of Body work

28:11

yeah barely offsets the alcoholism I got to get

28:13

into fighting shape because I'm gonna take yellow flash

28:15

down at whatever convention I see him at you're

28:17

gonna do one of these Influencer

28:20

boxing things I'm trying but the the guy

28:22

who I want to influence her boxing out

28:24

Why don't we get some more Russell? Why

28:26

wouldn't that be all influencer? I don't

28:28

think we start that with fat so we've

28:31

stuff if they're already halfway there Yeah, are

28:33

they they're doing I mean all these influencers

28:35

are like you know weird pervert How about

28:38

info? Yeah, you know this is

28:40

all that 30 paces you

28:42

guys couldn't hit each other Shooting

28:54

is what kills? Themselves

28:59

at 20 paces You

29:04

only got two more paces to go just

29:06

kill me now the worst John John

29:08

thick Yeah,

29:14

you get it yeah, that's John thick

29:16

yeah, that's a franchise We're

29:19

gonna be your next comic. What have we ever

29:21

had a fat guy action franchise? We haven't no

29:23

There's never been a well all the demons of

29:26

gall shit, but that was later on Also,

29:29

they try to pretend he's not fat they put him

29:31

in gee's and yeah, yeah Okay,

29:33

Jacob Rothschild says if you replay the bridge

29:35

collapse video You can faintly hear someone in

29:38

a megaphone saying clear the bridge before Alpha

29:40

cork in a ride I heard that Wow

29:42

the claw yaw says veto says I don't

29:44

know what to make videos about Also

29:46

veto gives the most amazing breakdown of

29:48

how to maximize your all-you-can-eat buffet potential

29:50

I could make that people want you

29:53

to make that video. That's good influence.

29:55

I need I need a camera guy.

29:57

Oh You can't

29:59

just hold it up like You know the buffet

30:01

hand that's a buffet hand you're holding that camera

30:03

with put get like a rig like a you

30:05

know Like a backpack that you can I mean

30:07

I could film in my I feel weird zone

30:10

steady I don't know.

30:12

I feel weird either way. I would

30:14

feel weird at a buffet with sometimes.

30:16

I watch I somehow Don't feel like it would

30:18

be weird. I know I'm a fat guy from

30:21

turkey with your hair all sticking out in different

30:23

directions I'm gonna weird with a backpack All

30:26

I know is that I do watch sometimes

30:28

videos of guys touring different buffets That's how

30:31

I know I'm a fat guy I'm always

30:33

like man. They're just right there with the camera

30:35

like filming the buffet staff. I did it for

30:37

three seasons. I know You

30:39

never went to the Nordic though. Did you that's

30:42

my dream the Nordic the Nordic Lodge? I think

30:44

it's called in Rhode Island No,

30:47

Jesus. I don't know about It's

30:49

a all you can eat lobster buffet.

30:51

No way not just lobster Death

30:55

it's like the greatest buffet on earth okay and next

30:57

time I go to that coast I'm driving to Rhode

30:59

Island I'm going to the Nordic your new hair with

31:01

my new hair, and I'm gonna be

31:03

wearing to 10 gonna be down to 210 220 Yeah,

31:08

I never gonna get down Let

31:10

me tell you is a guy who's been to 10

31:12

in the last millennia. It's not a good weight for

31:14

us It's I was

31:16

there once to 230 240

31:18

with the amount of muscle You've been carrying this fat

31:20

around with will be there once in a when an

31:22

elevator broke and started plummeting down to the earth No

31:24

way to 10 in that moment when I was in

31:26

high school. I weighed 260 and I got down to

31:29

210 I Lost

31:31

50 pounds in college No like

31:33

like in high school like the year after I

31:35

graduated high school. I watch to the gym every

31:37

day I know how to

31:39

do it Young

31:42

WXS Vito the algorithm worked fine.

31:44

I got your I got recommended your video I just

31:46

didn't watch it because it was about an eight-year-old film.

31:49

I didn't care about fair enough I

31:52

watched the video. It's okay. It's not

31:54

great. It's just so old. It's like old stuff

31:57

Yeah, but I mean lady. He made a

31:59

lady Ghostbusters video last week. Timely.

32:04

Okay, but like, you know,

32:06

there's guys who make videos about like 20 year

32:08

old dependents. They have to be like, I don't

32:10

know at what point. You're

32:12

right, it's too recent. I should have waited until it was 20 years

32:14

old. I should have kept it on my hard drive for that. Yeah,

32:17

you can only go that far back if Jews

32:19

actually died. It's not just the readers. Look,

32:24

this was an idea. There were several Reitmans who went

32:26

down in this film. It was a two year old

32:28

idea. It was a bad idea then. It was a

32:30

bad idea now. Two years old? It

32:32

was five years old two years ago. I know. I

32:34

was comparing it to the new Ghostbusters? No, it was like

32:36

the eye. I

32:38

tried to salvage it. Well, no, the thumbnail had new Ghostbusters stuff

32:40

in it. Oh, so it was

32:43

a complete perception. Yeah. Okay.

32:48

I don't know. It didn't do well. It's

32:50

doing not good. I

32:52

don't know how to make YouTube videos. Look, here's the

32:54

thing also. I don't

32:56

know what the idea is. Yeah, sure.

33:00

But like the ideas that I have,

33:02

I don't know if people would watch

33:04

like, I don't know. I

33:07

have some ideas for videos that I've been wanting to make. Like what?

33:11

I was thinking the other day I want to make

33:13

a video about the Super Nintendo Game Illusion of Gaia.

33:15

There you go. Make that. I

33:17

don't think I'd watch that. The

33:19

title would be the most depressing Nintendo game

33:21

ever made. Is that

33:23

a good hook? Is

33:25

that not good though? Do people not want to learn about

33:28

depressing Nintendo games? They don't want to see like drinking bathwater

33:30

and stuff like that. I also always wanted to make a

33:32

video about Southland Tales, a movie

33:34

I like. But you also have to be aware of the

33:36

fact that like if you do something that's super niche because

33:38

you love it, then it's going to have a niche audience

33:40

and don't expect a lot of numbers. It's

33:43

like when filmmakers and stuff go, I do one for them and

33:45

I do one for me. You have to know that nobody's going

33:47

to want to watch the one that's for you. Right. You got

33:49

to do one for them. Yeah. But

33:51

all the stuff I like is super niche

33:53

and stupid. And illegal. And

33:56

illegal, exactly. Here's

33:58

how to talk to kids on a... signal

34:00

or whatever. No, um... I don't even know

34:02

what that is. Delete your messages. Is

34:04

that what it does? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how

34:06

guys can put women on it or else women will leak there.

34:09

It happens every time. Or I'm gonna hit you

34:11

with a whole new kind of technology which is

34:13

called Don't Fuckin' Talk to Him at All. Honestly,

34:16

after this week where that one

34:18

guy killed himself because of old DMs... Might

34:21

be honest! Ed Piscor? Yeah.

34:23

Oh, liberals and women and

34:25

SJWs killed Ed Piscor. Mostly

34:27

women. I'm gonna say. Liberal

34:30

women. That's why I'm glad I had like an

34:32

adult job when I was like 19 and 20

34:34

with HR and shit because I learned very early

34:36

on of like, well you're a disgusting redheaded man.

34:38

No one's talking to you without recording it or

34:40

trying to trap you into a firing. So

34:42

you might as well just always assume you're

34:45

being recorded. Dude, I don't know how...

34:48

Has that affected you? Is that why you're like this

34:50

today? Somebody me too in you? No,

34:53

not necessarily. You wish someone would

34:55

make it to you? No, no. It's more that... It's

35:00

like that problem I brought up on a recent

35:02

episode. The idea that we have an entire generation

35:04

that's gonna be unable to talk to women because

35:06

they're all just waiting to meet you. Every

35:09

person you meet, you know? Who

35:11

led that... Who killed

35:13

Ed Piscor? A number of people. Have they apologized

35:15

yet? No, no one's gonna apologize. I'm gonna go

35:18

harass 17-year-old women on Instagram until they apologize. What

35:20

do you think about that? I think that's a

35:22

good idea. Great idea. I think

35:24

you should do it. I think you should do it yourself. Let's see that

35:26

pussy. That's what I'm gonna... I just... Look,

35:29

it really is true. I know people

35:31

who have been canceled for like very

35:33

stupid shit, right? Like

35:35

what? Don't like make a bit.

35:37

Like, come on. What do you mean don't make

35:40

a bit? Here's... Okay, you always go... You're always

35:42

like, Vito, why are you being so awkward? Because

35:44

everything I try to say is like

35:46

a setup for you and Josh

35:49

to like twist it into something else, okay? A setup I

35:51

want to know who you know that's been canceled. I

35:55

know guys who have been canceled, you know, because

35:57

they like had relationships in the past and then...

36:00

Now years later the woman goes

36:02

like, oh, you know, he was an abusive

36:04

boyfriend and he was really mean and I

36:06

tried to do this and he didn't support

36:08

me. Yeah. And that's like enough to like

36:10

for people to go. He could have been

36:12

worse though, don't you think? An emotional manipul-

36:14

well yeah, obviously. That's worse. Like

36:17

the things people should actually get cancelled

36:19

for is like, you

36:21

know, like actually being rapists and- Why? Like

36:23

hitting women and whatever the fuck else. Why?

36:27

I mean- You wouldn't watch a

36:29

super killer movie if the director was a rapist?

36:31

I'm just saying. You wouldn't want a rapist to

36:33

make super killers- If we're gonna have to cancel

36:35

anybody it should be a lot more serious than

36:37

the stuff that's out there. Well that's just called

36:39

the justice system, you know? What are you talking

36:41

about? If that's all we needed, cancelling wouldn't have

36:43

ever been invented. See, cancelling is

36:45

what we do when nothing has ever

36:48

actually happened. Right. Well that's the problem.

36:50

Can we read the scarlet letter? Yeah,

36:52

I'm a weird person. Man, because we don't care. I don't

36:55

care if a rapist made a movie. I'll watch the movie.

36:57

No, I also- I get it. Might be great. I'm a

36:59

pirate it though. I might pirate it. You might pirate it.

37:01

But I'll buy the merch too. This is why I don't

37:03

like when people say things about like, we can't enjoy this

37:06

person's music. They turned out to be a pedophile. It's

37:08

like, well if you don't want something that was- If you

37:10

can't enjoy things that were made by people that

37:12

fuck children, throw out anything made before 1980. Your

37:16

grandmothers were all married at 11, you fucking idiot.

37:19

The Wright brothers invented the plane while they were fucking a

37:21

nine year old wife. In between fighting a nine year old

37:23

girl. So it's like,

37:25

I guess you better take trains. I

37:28

guess you don't like the history of Rock and Roll Part 2 then.

37:30

The history of everything. The history of

37:32

everything. The history of everything. Everything

37:35

that we enjoy today was made by

37:37

somebody who fucked somebody that would be

37:39

illegal today. Did you see how many articles

37:41

there have to be about how the new Beetlejuice doesn't

37:43

have that guy in it because he's a pedophile? And

37:45

I'm like, you don't have to- Alec Baldwin? No,

37:48

the- It was a question.

37:50

I'm not making it accurate. I wasn't petting- I

37:52

knew it. The one who played the- They're putting it

37:54

in the ground. The principal and Ferris Bueller, right? Yeah, that

37:57

guy was hilarious though. Who cares? I know, but

37:59

that's what- That's why I'm like guys

38:01

you don't have to make do you notice this

38:03

actors not beedled you'll never know you'll never figure

38:05

out They did put that child looking girl in

38:07

there that could be a reason You

38:10

got to get that guy Vic King to make a

38:12

cop cover for your for super killer That's not like

38:14

a weird or a lunchbox that would be even better

38:16

a special edition lunch. I can't draw He's a shitty

38:18

artist if it was a good artist I'd consider it

38:21

It's a weird thing that like people are like pedophilia

38:23

is bad But liking a girl like Jenna or Tega

38:25

that just looks like a child forever Sweet

38:28

spot who is on everyone

38:30

on the internet everyone on the internet. Oh,

38:32

I Don't wanna. I don't wanna name

38:34

vetoes But I mean

38:37

they always have to have one creepy girl who's

38:39

at the forefront of society It was that girl

38:41

from parks and rec. What's your name? What's

38:45

the Rob Lowe no the girl from parks and

38:47

rec The

38:51

black girl Lenny Kravitz his daughter no the

38:53

what's the one who was in the funny

38:55

people Rob Lowe Whatever

38:59

I can't remember now.

39:01

I'm saying that there's no polar No,

39:04

the the spooky one who was with Chris

39:06

Pratt on I

39:08

didn't know we were allowed to use racial slurs on

39:10

this show now. I'm in that's

39:12

like that's why they crab Wait,

39:14

is my name Kravitz's daughter? That's she's spooky

39:17

that fat black lady is Lenny Kravitz's daughter

39:19

what no the hot one oh Okay

39:22

that black lady yeah on parks and

39:24

rec weird if that fat black lady

39:28

Well if I was confused yeah, I don't I don't

39:30

like the small ones I look at them like you

39:32

know you ever have a friend who's like I'll drive

39:34

He like that car is way too small for me

39:36

to get inside of Actor

39:40

Renner says Vito wouldn't you see bedbugs

39:43

and then he says man. They're already in your house You're gonna have

39:45

to burn it to get them out They tend to

39:48

nest in pretty and he's picking up couches off the

39:50

street Where you get them

39:52

pick up all couch off the street. That's all

39:54

it takes yeah And you

39:56

can't necessarily got simple is that all I did

39:58

was fuck one street walk I'm looking for.

40:01

And a sailor's got to do what a sailor's got to do.

40:03

Like around the bottom corners. Although you live in a nice neighborhood.

40:06

Yeah. Yeah. Look, I

40:08

pulled the cushions off. I just looked

40:11

for the bedbugs. I don't think I

40:13

have bedbugs. They

40:15

use the bedbugs in all the restaurants over there.

40:17

They don't want to get rid of the good

40:19

ingredients. Okay, so you're just turning up my mic.

40:22

So the Lolcal

40:25

podcast was watching

40:27

clips of us. Did you hear about

40:29

that? I did not hear about this.

40:31

I'm excited to hear about this. I

40:34

don't really care about watching them pretend

40:36

to laugh about clips.

40:38

But then Keemstar fired the editor

40:41

of Lolcal podcast. But was

40:43

it because of... It wasn't because of this though. He fired

40:45

him because he was fighting about something else. I don't know,

40:47

but I really want to get to the bottom of how

40:49

much money they're making. Yeah. After

40:51

Boogie threatened to kill himself. I

40:55

would like to know how much money they're making. I

40:57

would like to profit off of people threatening to kill themselves.

41:00

That's a racket. Right. Well, I've talked to

41:02

Boogie. He told me how much he was

41:04

taking home. How much was he taking home?

41:06

I don't think that's privileged information. I can't

41:08

share that. Okay, let's see if Connor can...

41:10

Obviously, not enough to be in the clear

41:12

of whacking yourself. Well,

41:15

he's definitely not making don't whack yourself money. Does

41:17

he even feel bad about threatening to kill himself?

41:19

Because he's disappointing a lot of people. What does

41:21

he feel bad about threatening to kill himself? What

41:23

about following through on the commitments you make to

41:25

your audience? Yeah, exactly. Please don't kill

41:27

yourself, Boogie. Like a Kickstarter that doesn't go, you

41:29

know? Well, his life is... I mean, he's got nowhere to go to

41:31

get down. Hold on, we're not gonna play this clip

41:33

of them talking about us. No, I don't care. People

41:35

don't know what LoCal is. It's a dog shit show.

41:38

I mean, it's like... Explain what it is. Teamstar's

41:41

tripping all over his dog's dick, pretending

41:44

that all it takes to make a good show

41:46

is... Just in case people have not heard us

41:49

talk about this on the show, the LoCal podcast

41:51

is Boogie, 2988. Yeah. Along

41:54

with Wings of Redemption

41:57

and hosted by Tommy C

41:59

and... Also, Keemstar for some reason, he seems

42:01

to be on every episode. I

42:04

was almost gonna be on there if I had seen my texts

42:06

in time. I really fucked that up. What do you mean? They

42:08

did an episode of Wings Didn't Show Up and they tried to get

42:10

me as a replacement. Oh, they did? Then by

42:12

the time I realized they had already moved on.

42:15

You were gonna replace someone called Wings? Wings

42:17

of Redemption, he's a... Okay, well I sent him to... He

42:19

basically looks just like me. I sent him to Link. What

42:22

did they say about us? You wanna be a problem? I don't

42:24

know. I wanted to talk to the editor, but...

42:26

Well, he'll show up. I'm sure. Do you

42:29

wanna do your problem? I'm the big winner. Yeah. Alright.

42:32

Well, dick, we live in a

42:35

time of... Hey,

42:37

Nina, stop messaging Vito. This

42:39

is... Stop it. No,

42:41

it's not Vito. You're clearly affecting his

42:43

emotion. It's not that. It's

42:45

just, let's all have fun. You

42:48

launched into that problem like my girlfriend deciding

42:50

to fuck me for the... Well,

42:52

dick, you know we gotta fuck a

42:55

dick and do the show. You and

42:57

me, buddy. I

42:59

recognize that lack of enthusiasm. Okay. It's

43:02

real palpable. Here's... If

43:05

you want me to do good on the show, don't

43:08

neg me every two seconds. Just let me

43:10

breathe. Let me be here. No, push both

43:12

of you guys. Okay? Whenever

43:15

we do a show... We don't think

43:17

of it as negating. I know. I

43:19

know. We're just... We're

43:21

all having fun. Alright? But it

43:23

seems like every... You said fun today already. It's

43:26

like, oh. It's like anything ever

43:28

comes out of your mouth. How can we twist

43:30

this? How can we just let me do a

43:32

bit for once? Well

43:35

guys, we live

43:37

in a time of many choices. The

43:40

American consumer, or perhaps the

43:42

global consumer, has more available to them

43:44

than ever before. Do you want to talk to Connor first?

43:46

No, let's talk to Connor. Let me just talk to you

43:48

in a bit. Alright? I want to talk to you during

43:50

my problem. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Alright.

43:54

We'll come back again like 20 minutes. Yeah. The

43:56

American consumer, the global consumer, has access to a

43:58

variety of choices. Yeah, I

44:01

was going to say, you might want to enjoy a

44:03

movie. Well, why don't you log on to Netflix? You

44:05

have access to millions of pieces

44:07

of content. Well, maybe not millions,

44:09

but thousands, probably millions across all

44:11

platforms. You go to the supermarket,

44:14

all sorts of delightful goodies, filled the

44:16

shelves, just all sorts of

44:21

things that can be purchased.

44:24

But this leads to a problem called

44:26

the paradox of choice. Have

44:30

you heard of the paradox of choice? It

44:33

is the problem where when you are confronted

44:36

with so many options, that

44:39

a sort of anxiety sets

44:41

in. It almost paralyzes you

44:43

because you are terrified of making

44:46

the wrong choice. This

44:48

is the primary source of all

44:50

women's depression. Is it? Well,

44:52

yeah. Not to be too Jordan Peterson

44:54

over here. This

44:59

one takes away my sex drive. What if I

45:01

pick the wrong mate? I

45:03

have access to everyone. They're

45:06

all wrong. Well,

45:08

for women. For women. Women

45:10

have most of the power in

45:12

that dynamic and they go, they're always thinking, well,

45:15

I could upgrade. Maybe I divorced this guy who's

45:17

giving me two beautiful children. How do they know

45:19

what's good for them? Well, that's

45:21

why we used to keep them in line with the

45:23

threat of violence. But you're not allowed to do that

45:25

anymore. No, you can keep them in line with the

45:28

threat. You just can't follow through on the fault through

45:30

the implication is how you keep them around. You

45:32

can't get it. You can divorce me, but I

45:35

might strangle and kill both our kids and you.

45:37

You don't know. Who knows? My

45:39

favorite cat, my favorite cat Williams line is like,

45:41

tell me my music is too loud and see

45:43

if I don't shut the music off for the

45:45

both of us. Like

45:48

this guy is talking about murder, suicide. They

45:50

got those documentaries that come out. Oh, honey,

45:52

I heard of a great new documentary on HBO

45:54

Max. You don't really like true crime documentaries. I

45:56

know this one's about a guy who was getting

45:59

nagged to death. And then he

46:01

shot his girlfriend. Because she

46:03

wouldn't shut the fuck up. She wouldn't shut the fuck

46:05

up. It's really a great documentary. You would think with

46:07

all the true crime documentaries that women would be getting

46:09

in line. Act right. I'm sorry, what were you

46:11

going to say? You wouldn't

46:13

hope. I mean, I experienced this myself

46:15

when I'm at home and I'm trying to figure out,

46:18

okay, well, what do I want to eat? It used

46:20

to be just go to the fridge, whatever

46:22

you got. Now you have like a DoorDash

46:25

app. You got to stop using that.

46:27

You guys, everybody listening has to stop doing DoorDash.

46:29

I can't. You know what I started

46:31

doing? Do good. What? Factor. What's

46:33

factor? I've done factor. Yeah, did you do

46:36

too much? It was good. It was a... What

46:38

is it? It's like portion control,

46:40

healthy meals, like ready to go. Oh,

46:42

not that healthy. So, yeah, 600 calories

46:45

for a full meal. It's

46:47

pretty low. I don't remember being that low on calories.

46:49

As low as I can. Wait, are you getting the

46:51

pasta cake ones? Well, there's a

46:53

different bunch of options. It's not just... Okay, well,

46:55

okay. You can make it low calorie. Say, just

46:58

send me chicken and rice. Yes, yeah, that's what

47:00

you do. Okay, but I'm saying it's not... I

47:02

make one packet of chicken and eat it for

47:04

like three days. Sure, but I'm saying... The factor,

47:07

it's not specifically like... You can get healthy options,

47:09

but that's not all they do. Oh, okay. That's

47:11

what I'm saying. Yeah, but they go like, do

47:13

you want like chicken and rice, or do you

47:16

want like devil's food cake? And you're

47:18

like, well, do you want to... Damn this

47:20

paradox of choice! Duffed inside a cannoli. Damn

47:22

you, capital, I'm saying that? Yeah. Listen, I

47:24

know you... There are a lot of choices,

47:26

but even on the Factor website, They

47:29

literally do that for people like you who are like,

47:31

I'm on the Factor to your fucking friends who know

47:33

you need to lose weight. And they're like, yeah, but

47:35

we'll let him lie and get the cake

47:37

one. You know? One

47:39

time, I got Factor, and they delivered all

47:42

my food to my neighbor. But

47:44

my neighbor just like leaves packages on their porch

47:46

for days, and I was like... Boiled? Yeah, I

47:48

was like, where the fuck is my Factor? And

47:50

I finally decided to check across the street, and

47:53

I'm just like, how did you not notice there's

47:55

a box of rotting food on your front fucking

47:57

porch? It was disgusting. Point

47:59

is... All those cakes went bad,

48:01

huh? I also experienced it in the video

48:03

game realm, specifically me. You're speaking food and

48:05

video games? I- I- well, Redival! Well, I

48:07

have so many games that I could play.

48:09

You know, I go, oh, I should play

48:12

a game, and then I go, uh,

48:14

should I finish an old game that I've

48:16

started, you know? Yeah. Or should I start

48:18

an entirely new game? Right. And then, you

48:20

know, of course, there's people who get these

48:22

Steam libraries full of games and just choosing.

48:25

Here's the thing, though, about the Paradox of

48:27

Choice. Uh, if you're someone who's

48:29

trying to sell to people, giving

48:31

people too many choices will actually

48:33

make them less likely to buy

48:35

something because they become so

48:37

overwhelmed. Man, or w- everyone. I think everyone.

48:40

I don't know about that. It depends on

48:42

the situation. I think if you're like a

48:44

Walmart, you want a bunch of different products,

48:46

sure. But if you're like a boutique retailer,

48:49

you don't want to give, like, a shit-ton

48:51

of options because you're gonna overwhelm people. But

48:53

women can buy everything on their phone, and

48:56

then they do. So how do you

48:58

explain that? Well, they return a lot of it, though. Not

49:00

enough. I agree. Look,

49:03

you're always gonna have some shopaholics who buy whatever they

49:05

can. But it's like, you know how you go to,

49:07

like, the diner? Yeah. You ever go to those diners

49:09

and they got that menu that's, like, 20 pages long?

49:11

Nightmare. Yeah, especially- I wish I was dead. Well,

49:14

cause you know, you're like, listen, we'll order

49:16

something. There should be, like, a little thing

49:18

next to some of these menu options that

49:20

says, yes, it's on the menu,

49:22

but no, we don't make it very well

49:24

because clearly we're not equipped to do it.

49:26

Or as any operations guy

49:28

would tell you, just take it off

49:31

the fucking menu and make ten good

49:33

things. Yes, absolutely. I took my buddy

49:35

into a diner and I said, order off this part

49:37

of the breakfast menu because anything fancy they're gonna fuck

49:39

up. And he goes, I want a

49:41

breakfast burrito, though. And I go, don't trust these

49:43

people to make a breakfast burrito. They fucked up

49:45

a breakfast burrito. Cause they're not Mexican. You ever

49:47

have a white guy try to make a burrito?

49:50

Sometimes Mexicans will give you, like, a

49:52

weird, authentic Mexican burrito that's basically like

49:54

swimming in sauce. I

49:57

keep getting these, sometimes I get ones that I go, I really

49:59

hope they don't. just put a shit ton of refried beans

50:01

in here for some reason. And they're like, you know what's

50:03

great? Scrambled eggs and refried

50:05

beans. I'm like, oh, this sucks. Terrible,

50:08

terrible. Beans should be nowhere near eggs

50:10

ever. But that's the thing

50:12

is like when you are confronted by the

50:14

diner menu, if the diner menu was like,

50:17

here's 10 things and we make all of

50:19

them fantastically, I'd go, oh cool, well

50:21

let me get that. And I'll also get that. Cause

50:23

I trust both of these options. We are going to

50:25

a diner after this. We should go to a diner

50:27

afterwards. It's like you're lubing me up for diner talk

50:29

here. But if there's a big old

50:31

menu, I go, oh, I don't know. I'm just going to get

50:33

one thing because it might suck. In

50:37

2000, psychologists from Columbia

50:39

and Stanford University published a

50:41

study about jams. These are

50:43

fruit preserves. They would go

50:46

to a food market. On one day, they had a

50:48

table with 24 types of jam. On

50:51

the next day, they went back to the

50:53

same food market. They only had six types

50:55

of jam on the day

50:57

when they only had six types of jam.

50:59

They sold twice as many because

51:01

people, again, were not confronted by walking by,

51:04

ah, I got to look in each one. I got

51:06

to figure out which fruit I like, whatever. And then

51:08

just like apple, orange, strawberry. They didn't

51:10

part that as part of the study, unfortunately. It's like

51:12

an important part of the study. I

51:15

think I would like for society

51:17

to scale back a little bit

51:20

in the number of choices we make available to

51:22

people. I remember there was a viral tweet where

51:24

somebody's like, here's how communism doesn't work. And he

51:27

was showing off a cube in the supermarket. And

51:29

he goes, look at that. Only

51:31

one shelf, and it's all one type

51:33

of canned tomatoes. I remember

51:35

going, seems fine. You

51:38

go to the store to need canned tomatoes. And

51:40

you all get that kind because that's the only kind they

51:42

have. They're all the same. All

51:45

the canned tomatoes are in the can. Mostly. In

51:48

that instance, they're all the same. If you go

51:50

to an American grocery store, 90%

51:52

of those canned tomatoes are trash. This

51:55

is the problem, though. Capitalism doesn't

51:57

mean that everybody gets equal distribution.

52:00

It means that some people's tomatoes suck, and if

52:02

that grocery store is running a good business, they'll

52:04

only have one or two brands too, and they'll

52:06

be the good ones. And everyone

52:08

else has to deal with the crippling reality of

52:10

failure. Food is the worst

52:13

example for communism, because they starve

52:15

every time they do it. Literally

52:17

anything every time they starve. What's

52:20

one example of communists that aren't starving? Are

52:24

you a communist? No, I'm not a communist.

52:26

You didn't say that. The democratic socialist, right? It's made

52:28

up communism thing? Are you a burning communist? I'm a

52:30

fan of a little bit of socialism. Obviously I'm a

52:32

fan of UBI, and then the third thing. That's not

52:34

a little bit of socialism. I know it's not, but

52:36

for some reason UBI, even I see right wing guys

52:38

who are like, yeah, I get it. I

52:42

like the concept as it

52:44

replaces all entitlement systems. But

52:48

it's not great in terms of the

52:50

ideology behind it. It's really like the

52:53

ultimate compromise. It's like, well, if you're

52:55

going to make us do something for the

52:57

poor and lazy people, then why don't we

52:59

just spread it like peanut butter and eliminate

53:02

all these other jobs and costs? It's not

53:04

necessarily laziness, though. There's people who worry about

53:06

laziness and worthlessness. It's giving a thief $100

53:08

so he doesn't rob you, is what it

53:10

is. So in my mind, if

53:12

it helps us maintain society to give scumbags $1,000

53:14

a month, then it's a good investment, because then

53:17

we don't have to spend it. Because I'm going

53:19

to turn into a scumbag then. You think so?

53:22

Yeah, I don't think so. I don't agree. I also

53:24

think your neighbors will just get sick of you and go, we

53:26

gave you $1,000 a month. Now you've got to die. The

53:28

problem with capitalism is the only actions

53:31

that are assigned to any value are

53:33

those that generate capital, right? So

53:35

like, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's not a problem

53:38

of capitalism. That's the main feature. That's the best

53:40

part. That's not the best part. Why? Yeah.

53:44

Because it means that actions that have a net

53:46

good on society yet do not generate capital are

53:48

dismissed and considered unnecessary. They're not good. But what's

53:50

an example of one of those? Because this is

53:52

where the argument breaks down. An example of that

53:55

would be, you

53:57

know, beautifying, beautifying your neighborhood. You

54:00

know, going out and like picking weeds.

54:02

Landscaping is a job. They get paid

54:04

a lot, actually. I

54:06

have to pay $700 to get the weeds picked

54:08

in my backyard. That's what you pay for that?

54:10

Yeah. About the bio-fucking lawnmower. But

54:13

you're not doing that for your personal

54:15

property. You're not like going around town

54:17

and, you know, doing it for everybody

54:19

else. But you're disconnecting the potential ROI

54:21

on that. Perhaps having a nice lawn

54:23

reduces his stress and makes him more

54:25

productive. The fireman. Maybe he generates more

54:27

revenue, pays more taxes. That has a

54:29

net positive on society. How about

54:31

raising your children, you know, like

54:33

a mother staying home and making

54:35

sure kids don't become, like, complete

54:37

sociopath psychos? Or just gay. Yeah,

54:39

mothering. Or fatherhood. Mothers have been

54:42

doing a bad job raising kids for, what, 100,000

54:45

years now? Right. You're saying that we

54:47

should give them more money? Well, some of them. The

54:50

good point, you've never heard somebody go,

54:52

well, my life fell apart because I didn't have a mother

54:54

in the home. You guys see a

54:56

lot of Disney movies. They're like, look at all these awesome adventures.

54:59

I'm saying there

55:01

is no monetary incentive necessarily to.

55:04

I mean, there's abstract. The

55:06

comedy. Guys, wife dies, finally starts living.

55:08

Yeah, there's abstract monetary incentives to raise

55:10

your kids, right? But there's no life.

55:14

Yeah, yeah. Or

55:17

maybe your kid grows up and can provide for you.

55:19

I mean, no one, none of us are doing that.

55:21

No, but back in the day, the trad myth. Chinese

55:25

podcast, you think you're on right now. Back in

55:27

the day, you would have kids to work the

55:29

fucking field. The women he's trying to fuck operate that

55:31

way. I'd get over there and fuck her, but her

55:33

grandparents are always around. I'm just

55:35

saying there exist goods, and there

55:38

exist societal goods that are not

55:40

capital producing societal goods. Like what?

55:42

Like coaching a mom. Coaching a youth softball

55:44

team. I've had a file coaching a youth softball team.

55:47

I knew you were going, and I was trying to

55:49

avoid that comparison. Youth softball

55:51

is done by my parents. It's

55:53

like an hour three times

55:55

a week to some time with the kids. That's not

55:57

some time. But also, it does have a merit. meritocratic

56:00

net positive because it teaches kids the value

56:02

of meritocracy and went that there are winners

56:04

and losers like All

56:06

these things you could recurser to capital right?

56:08

I'm saying you don't training wheels for capitalists

56:11

Yeah, okay, but you don't make like money

56:13

from it. Yeah, but you're talking about immediate

56:15

ROI versus long-term ROI You're wrong. We're keeping

56:17

score in sports is when kids stop. Hey,

56:20

thank you. Yeah, everyone hates it Yeah, that's

56:22

why I say like if I went back

56:24

in time, I wouldn't kill Hitler. I'd kill

56:26

Phil Kinzer the guy He's

56:29

the guy who invented bumpers for bowling So

56:31

that was the first time in American

56:33

history where somebody said having fun was

56:36

more important than skill or talent or

56:38

victory I'll kill the first guy who

56:40

said would you go back in time and kill Hitler? Yeah,

56:42

and then I would say it Take

56:44

credit for it. Well, and nobody ever thinks that Hitler

56:46

was sent back to stop something worse than him. Maybe

56:48

like the Jews We

56:53

should pay you I'm

56:58

a little of a thing. That's of a job that doesn't get paid. Well,

57:01

I thought I just gave one No, they're not

57:03

jobs though. It's like a hobby. Okay, but like jacking off.

57:06

You don't think that should be paid Right.

57:08

No cuz jerking off. I got

57:10

a cancel good women's checks. I

57:15

Think that I Mean

57:18

I just gave an example. I don't know

57:20

man. Well, you're saying like capitalism isn't good.

57:22

What's the where does it fail? Capitalism

57:25

good capitalism is good. It just

57:27

is not the solitary

57:29

good It covers a

57:31

variety of actions that should be rewarded

57:33

and rewards them with capital I would

57:35

actually argue that sin not to be

57:37

that guy But I would

57:39

say sinful things for profit are

57:42

actually examples of the capitalism that are bad for

57:44

society like People spending money

57:46

on drugs doesn't necessarily move society forward,

57:48

but it's freedom of choice and it

57:50

generates money alcohol Yeah, be a good

57:52

example of capitalism that might not push

57:54

society forward, but it but it just

57:56

makes money communist in a no

58:00

here. No, no, no. I am do all

58:02

the drugs and make all the money because

58:04

I think choice outweighs morality. That's

58:07

why I'm more American than I

58:09

am conservative or religious. But I

58:11

think the parenting thing and like the family thing, or let's

58:13

say you have like, let's

58:15

say you have like an ailing father, you know,

58:17

who's, you know, throw him in the trash.

58:20

Well, that's your thing

58:22

you want to do. But some people might just want to

58:24

stay home and take care of a sick

58:26

loved one or a sick family member.

58:29

And that has value, but obviously doesn't.

58:31

That's the harsh reality, but it doesn't

58:33

have any value. Well, okay. Nice. Hold

58:35

on. You're anti abortion, right? Yeah. So

58:38

what's you want to keep kids alive,

58:40

but not old people? No, I don't.

58:43

That's that's the difference. What about sick kids?

58:45

I got a sick kid. This is so

58:47

what about sick? Whatever your fetus was an

58:49

old man. It's not about keeping people alive.

58:51

It's about ending the life of someone without their

58:53

consent. Right. I think we should start talking to

58:55

some of these old people and go like, what

58:57

are you hanging out for? Like we could speed

58:59

this up for you. What if they don't want

59:01

to? But there's a lot nicer. Yeah. And very

59:04

easy for old people to get other people to

59:06

take care of them. They're just cock. That's the

59:08

conspiratorial thing that nobody ever talks about with the

59:10

vid is that the

59:12

reason that we would all get together and make

59:14

a thing like this is because old people are

59:16

the biggest drain on the system. So if you

59:18

could create a disease or a virus that would

59:20

be awesome, you'd make yourself much more profitable society.

59:22

And the problem is we are keeping them alive

59:24

too long to that's why I think it's funny

59:26

when, when pro choicers are like, well,

59:28

we have a population problem. I go, yeah,

59:30

but the issue is that we should be

59:33

killing innocent, potentially productive new life. We should

59:35

be terminating the useless old life. That's just

59:37

collecting social services and being a drain on

59:39

the system of resources. We can do both

59:41

though. Let's make a deal. Yeah. If

59:43

you let us kill the old, you can have

59:48

some kids. Yeah. We'll trade. We'll trade. It's a

59:50

fair trade. I mean, just like slavery, ideally we

59:52

give us a one for 70. Yeah. Well, it

59:55

has to be product, product. equivalent

1:00:00

right yeah I think babies are pretty

1:00:03

useless yeah but they're old people yeah

1:00:07

babies babies I wish we have more

1:00:09

potential future utility I just want to

1:00:11

live in my money well

1:00:14

they could work it well I don't know if

1:00:16

they're gonna have a job what are they gonna

1:00:18

do coaching softball automation is happening like it's gonna

1:00:20

be weird AI is gonna take

1:00:22

a lot of jobs I just love the idea that

1:00:24

someday children have to plead for their lives no look

1:00:26

I could do labor people

1:00:29

actually and then they both get

1:00:32

shot right now there's now we

1:00:34

got a movie now we got

1:00:36

a game show communism who can

1:00:39

produce the most most capital and

1:00:41

a 16 year old and an 80 year old

1:00:44

man have one month to prove that they have

1:00:46

more to offer society that's why I'm a big

1:00:48

even though I'm a pro-life guy I'm a big fan of

1:00:51

voluntary suicide how

1:00:53

big of a fan as much as you can

1:00:55

be like how much how much do they have to

1:00:58

volunteer like just like a blink no no if

1:01:00

it I hope it's an impulse buy I don't

1:01:02

mind it yeah I hope they go yeah you know

1:01:04

what I had a bad day put me in

1:01:06

the pod and you go too late what about

1:01:08

a load run type situation how about that great running

1:01:10

man thing on your hand a glowing crystal yeah

1:01:12

that's a pretty weird the problem with that concept

1:01:14

though is that some of those people didn't want to

1:01:16

die I think we just take the people who

1:01:19

want to die and we let them I don't

1:01:21

know if I'm gonna convince them they want to die

1:01:23

no we don't know we're already gonna argue their way

1:01:25

out of it it should be like

1:01:28

an opt-out not opt-in yeah so

1:01:30

we're automatically gonna kill you yeah it's

1:01:33

in the terms and service you should run them a

1:01:35

little closer you ask for it no you know now

1:01:37

you only have one week every day I just say

1:01:39

no every day today I'm

1:01:41

not gonna say every day you sit in

1:01:44

front of the killing machine okay so check

1:01:46

my problem is the paradox of choice

1:01:49

too many choices I was

1:01:51

picking up food yesterday and

1:01:54

my girlfriend said I placed the order and that

1:01:56

was it she didn't ask me what I wanted

1:01:58

or anything and I was like this probably the

1:02:00

happiest I've ever been. That's awesome. Yeah.

1:02:02

You didn't even have to think about it.

1:02:04

Were you happy with her choice? Yeah, it

1:02:07

doesn't matter. It's out of your hand. I

1:02:09

don't care. I

1:02:13

was gonna say, I don't want to eat just

1:02:15

anything. I would never leave it up to her

1:02:17

and she knows me pretty well. All right, Josh,

1:02:19

you want to do your problem? Are we doing

1:02:21

Connor after you? I'll do Connor as my problem.

1:02:24

Okay. My problem is next. Which

1:02:26

one do you think I should do? I like

1:02:28

the first. The one I heard was good. Which

1:02:30

one? The haircut one? Yeah, no, the other one.

1:02:32

Which everyone you like. What was the other one?

1:02:35

The other one was the friends and the family.

1:02:37

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The friends and family discounts has

1:02:39

to go. Okay. Get rid

1:02:41

of it. But I disagree with you because

1:02:43

I take great advantage of the friends and

1:02:45

family discount. You're the problem. Anti-capitalist is taking

1:02:47

advantage of free stuff. Why else would I

1:02:49

have this friendship if not to occasionally obtain

1:02:51

free stuff? Yeah, but the problem is up.

1:02:54

I'm gonna get when we go to that

1:02:56

bar. But the problem is not that. The

1:02:58

problem is that some fuckface that knows you

1:03:00

is going to think because you get it,

1:03:02

he gets it. Okay. I don't like him.

1:03:04

I don't even know him. You're saying that

1:03:06

probably someone witnessing the friends and family discount

1:03:08

is believing their new friends and family discounts.

1:03:10

It's sort of like the idea that you would

1:03:12

do something that you normally do, like if you provide

1:03:14

a service or let's say you're a plumber, you

1:03:17

and your brother are plumbers. I'll do you solid. Yeah. And

1:03:19

I was like, I'll help you because you're my friend and

1:03:22

I like you. And then people go, hey, I heard you're

1:03:24

doing free plumbing. Well, fuck off. I also

1:03:26

do it as a business. You

1:03:29

know, and this happens when you're helping him out.

1:03:31

Why aren't you helping me out? This happens when

1:03:33

you're when you have a job like comedian that

1:03:35

people think has no value. And

1:03:37

so you're like a friend will be like, can you come

1:03:39

say a few words at my thing? And then someone goes,

1:03:41

would you like me to come speak at their event? Yep.

1:03:44

And you go, sure, man, I love you. I'll come just

1:03:46

intro you and say a few words who go, you're really

1:03:48

funny. Would you like to come do an hour in an

1:03:50

event where we charge $300 a head and not get paid?

1:03:52

No, I would not like to do that. Is that literally

1:03:55

a thing that has happened? Oh yeah. Happened today.

1:03:57

It happened. They didn't want to

1:03:59

pay. No, no. they're trying like hell to avoid

1:04:01

paying me and i go what is your offer and

1:04:04

they go like well you know we've took her flight hotel

1:04:06

and what the fuck do you think you're talking to their

1:04:08

selling tickets to the event and they don't want to pay

1:04:10

you to we would like to make

1:04:13

you the star of the event for

1:04:15

nothing for nothing we didn't even like

1:04:17

that they don't want to overpay on

1:04:19

the flight of course today i a

1:04:21

reimbursed will re-end you know that you've

1:04:23

got no idea everybody's afraid of overpaying

1:04:25

the other so their choices to offend

1:04:27

me by offering nothing yeah and

1:04:30

you know it's it's at the starting ground for an

1:04:32

offer like but this is what's in saying offer something

1:04:34

called being a fucking pussy like if i needed to

1:04:36

hire you for what you do i would go i

1:04:38

think i did have this conversation with you on point

1:04:41

was it yeah if i hired you for this thing

1:04:43

what would it cost me yeah i have no idea

1:04:45

and i trust you to be honest with me and

1:04:47

then if i suspect that you're not i'll just talk

1:04:49

to somebody else who does it and compare it's called

1:04:52

getting bids yeah for a gig but it's

1:04:54

just like the idea that you would just

1:04:56

go i'll start at zero your moves like

1:05:00

fuck off now i don't

1:05:02

want to do it now it's double because you're

1:05:04

too much of a coward to ask what it

1:05:06

costs didn't we have a negotiating what you're supposed

1:05:08

to do in that situation you're supposed to have

1:05:10

the first number set the anchor price

1:05:12

i think you if you're the person who's getting

1:05:14

paid you should always set your price yeah you

1:05:17

should always go this is what i was rising

1:05:19

anchor price and you know there should be some

1:05:21

so then you're fighting around your number i think

1:05:23

you lose i think the first person that says

1:05:26

anything loses maybe i don't

1:05:28

know man but i don't i think you should stop

1:05:30

thinking about it in terms of winning or losing you

1:05:32

decide what you're worth and that should be what your

1:05:34

ask is then you know well you

1:05:36

should determine your worth and then ask for significantly

1:05:38

more no and argue down no how about you

1:05:40

just skip all the bullshit and go no this

1:05:42

is what it cost i like people are

1:05:44

stupid you say do you want this

1:05:48

one's a dog or you can go to do

1:05:50

it yeah

1:05:53

fucking deal or no all salary

1:05:56

negotiations should be a dog type

1:05:58

situation Wayne Brady I'm going to

1:06:00

slide you three pieces of paper.

1:06:05

One of them has a number. Two of them are death and one

1:06:07

of them is a prize. This one has a picture of a gun

1:06:09

on it and you look up and the guy just shoots you in

1:06:11

the eye. The prize, the third is also

1:06:13

death. What was it that they wanted you to MC? No,

1:06:15

they want me to perform it. They want me to

1:06:17

perform it. David, David, David, David. No, I would love

1:06:19

it. And this is because they- By the way, there

1:06:21

is no gig I wouldn't take, but I'm not going

1:06:23

to take it for not my price. Well, you know,

1:06:25

so they saw that you had done a solid for

1:06:28

a friend in the comedy community and they thought they

1:06:30

were a- No, not in the comedy community. Just a

1:06:32

friend. Yeah, just a buddy of mine was doing a

1:06:34

fundraiser for his nonprofit and he

1:06:36

said- Nonprofits, man. I know. So

1:06:39

everyone thinks that you just- They're owed the world. Oh, yes.

1:06:41

Yeah. And by the way, nobody

1:06:44

that runs a nonprofit- You don't understand. We're raising

1:06:46

money for ourselves over here. We're doing a great

1:06:48

thing. Yeah, we could morph this problem into nonprofit

1:06:50

because guess what? There

1:06:52

is profit. They're all profit. It's all going

1:06:54

into the pocket of the person who runs

1:06:56

the nonprofit. But the organization isn't profiting. Listen-

1:06:59

Yeah, you are, man. Yeah, listen- You're

1:07:01

like a plumber. We don't make any money. Yeah,

1:07:03

neither does my half a million dollar a year

1:07:05

business. I don't make any money either. Write

1:07:08

the IRS. Where's my camera? See,

1:07:12

I like getting the friends. But I get the

1:07:14

legit friends and family discount. I'm not trying to

1:07:16

piggyback on anyone else. Yeah, but like the right

1:07:18

response to a friends and family discount is, hey,

1:07:20

man, I appreciate you doing that solid for

1:07:22

me. The next time somebody asks me for

1:07:24

you, I'm going to make sure they pay

1:07:27

you what you're worth. You

1:07:29

don't just go, oh yeah, he was free. And

1:07:31

then they go, oh, so that's he's free all

1:07:33

the time. Imagine if that ever happened with a

1:07:35

woman's pussy. Well she let me,

1:07:38

you know, I fucked her for free for- I think that

1:07:40

is what happens with women's pussy. Yeah. That's

1:07:42

like the entire thing. That's the whole of the economy. Yeah, I fucked

1:07:44

her. She's a whore. Yeah. And

1:07:47

then they get all pissed off. Why'd you tell him that I was a whore? Yeah. Now

1:07:50

I have to give it away to everybody. Like that is the secret unsaid negotiation.

1:07:52

Yeah. I was going to get some

1:07:54

dinners out of that guy. Yeah, not now. Thanks a lot.

1:07:56

Yeah. But

1:07:58

then, but the economy- That woman should

1:08:00

be able to sell herself and go why fuck him

1:08:02

for free because he's better looking than you you're a

1:08:04

disgusting pile of Trash you have to pay I would

1:08:08

go hats off to you madam Good

1:08:10

business you've done this happening advance Kyber

1:08:13

didn't it and he offered yellow

1:08:15

flash to do his cover of his

1:08:17

comic book He said four grand. Yeah,

1:08:19

I think yellow flash was yellow flash

1:08:21

was mad. He thought he deserved a

1:08:23

better ready one Yeah, but you should

1:08:25

justify if you're gonna have an ask

1:08:28

you should be able to justify it

1:08:30

Yeah, well the ask is Ethan

1:08:33

van Skyver knows if he doesn't cover for someone's

1:08:35

comic you'll sell 4k X You'll

1:08:37

sell $4,000 worth of extra copies alone because

1:08:39

you also get his built-in fan base and every $4,000 probably oh

1:08:42

no no no no no No,

1:08:44

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

1:08:46

nobody gets paid an exposure stop that fucking

1:08:52

Yeah, the other guy gets his comics sold

1:08:54

because his art is on it it's like

1:08:56

it's like paying What's-her-name

1:08:58

it's like yeah, but then you would just be cut

1:09:00

in on the problem No, no, no, it was really

1:09:02

a monetary value to that then you're saying I'll give

1:09:04

you points on the back end noob dog Charges, I

1:09:06

think he said it was like 500k

1:09:09

to do like 30 seconds on

1:09:11

a track Cuz then

1:09:13

your song says featuring Snoop Dogg and you automatically

1:09:15

sell an extra half a million. Yeah, but I

1:09:17

would go Wow, is that the number show me

1:09:19

how that equals that and he would be like

1:09:22

What it cost motherfucker? Did

1:09:25

you the numbers he'd show you that you make

1:09:27

maybe probably 50 grand more What

1:09:30

the actual ROI is Number,

1:09:33

but I know that when I'm on there and

1:09:35

I see on the Spotify is like featuring Drake

1:09:37

your featuring featuring featuring Drake

1:09:39

Yeah, if it says featuring Drake all of a

1:09:41

sudden you're like, ooh Hold

1:09:44

on. This might be I'm just saying like I

1:09:46

handled all the business side of our Really do

1:09:48

that in kind of the last two years. What

1:09:50

are you talking about? Yeah, you can featuring? Farrell

1:09:54

like how much will Farrell? The

1:09:57

Dave Chappelle, you know the you know veto

1:09:59

just all these That's Rogan. Oh god. Featuring

1:10:01

Dave Chappelle. They should do that with Comedy

1:10:04

Special. No. He

1:10:06

comes in, he does two jokes in the middle.

1:10:08

Mine's dead. Yeah, I got that. Yeah, I got that

1:10:10

one. Hold on, hold on, let me get in

1:10:12

on this. And then he does two jokes and then

1:10:15

he leaves and leaves the rest of the special. That'll

1:10:17

be good, you're right. That'll be your verse, yeah. Well,

1:10:19

I guess I fucked it up I haven't used to.

1:10:21

Yeah, you're a ditty. You should've paid a big guy.

1:10:23

I just went, I want my friends there because I'll

1:10:25

have more fun and I'll be better. If it was

1:10:27

the Josh Denny Comedy Special featuring Joe Rogan, you'd go,

1:10:29

oh, all right, everybody loves Joe Rogan. Yeah, but don't

1:10:31

you want to get somewhere on the merits of your

1:10:33

own fucking work once in your life? No. Not

1:10:36

at this point. What are you talking about? I'm doing a

1:10:38

show for, I'm just taking Dick Madison. Wow, this is funny.

1:10:40

The truth comes down. Dick

1:10:43

Madison, that's the one-air-and-July show. Yeah, maybe I'm

1:10:45

just old school in that way. No, I

1:10:47

get it. I started doing the

1:10:49

business side of comedy for other people and they're like,

1:10:51

wow, so you're just, everything's transparent and on the up

1:10:53

and up and honest, but I go, yeah, call

1:10:56

me old fashioned, but I feel like it works that

1:10:58

way. Then you start to go nuts when you try

1:11:00

to go, how much of the success is me and

1:11:02

how much of the success do I owe to the

1:11:04

other people? Throw that away. It's not, none of that

1:11:06

matters. You don't turn it in. I set my price,

1:11:08

they said yes. I'm always free to try to renegotiate,

1:11:10

so are they. And you can

1:11:12

always say no. I'm saying like a fish show, sometimes I

1:11:15

get in my head and I go, well, if I went

1:11:17

away and Dick got a different co-host, maybe

1:11:19

it would be a better show. Did you win away like Kill It Yourself? Yeah.

1:11:22

I think it would be a better show. I

1:11:24

would capitalize on that big time. I'm

1:11:26

getting good at capitalizing on suicide. The fucking Ed

1:11:28

Piscore guy. The vending machine would just grab the

1:11:30

red headed one. I

1:11:33

always have to wonder, I always have to go, well,

1:11:35

I'm doing pretty good, but obviously I owe a lot

1:11:37

of it to the great Dick Masterson. I know that.

1:11:39

You're doing great, how come you don't have a house

1:11:41

and stuff? I'm making a lot of money on this

1:11:43

show. Oh, there's no houses over where the Chinese food

1:11:45

is. It's the problem. They're putting the farmer's market in

1:11:47

my neighborhood. Now I don't wanna leave. You should open

1:11:50

a restaurant. I should open, I wanna open a game

1:11:52

store. I'd have a good time with that. And

1:11:54

the game should be restaurant. There

1:11:57

should be cakes. It should be like, is it a game or a cake? I can do

1:11:59

it, I've worked in restaurants. I know the restaurant business. It's all day.

1:12:01

It's like 24 hours if you're running a restaurant. Or

1:12:03

you can just hire good people and not. Nah, you

1:12:05

still gotta go there all day. Because they will all

1:12:07

steal from you. They will all steal from you. What

1:12:09

is that one guy with a rifle? My dad ran

1:12:11

right around my whole life. You're

1:12:14

the guy with the rifle then. My dad

1:12:16

ran around and doubled Domino's pizzas. And

1:12:18

you know what? For most of

1:12:20

my life, he worked all the time. He did the pizza tracker. He

1:12:23

did the pizza tracker. And you know

1:12:25

what he would be doing all day? Is once they

1:12:27

got cell phone cameras or whatever and all the stores

1:12:29

all day. He just watched his aroundsfield being like, no,

1:12:31

that guy's stealing from the till. Wait a minute. That

1:12:33

guy's stealing from the till. That guy's stealing from the

1:12:35

till. My dad did the damn fucking thing. They all

1:12:37

steal. I know the program. I have it on his

1:12:39

computer in the 90s. Oh

1:12:42

yeah, this is good. This is good. They

1:12:44

run cameras. Everybody's got

1:12:46

sticky fingers. Yeah. Did your

1:12:48

father face any backlash in his community

1:12:51

for abandoning Italians

1:12:53

and going to Domino's? For being

1:12:55

a bad Italian? Yeah. We

1:12:57

were the fake Italians. It's like a black

1:13:00

woman going to work for the Daily Wire. He got

1:13:02

in on Domino's when it was new. And Domino's pizza

1:13:04

was like a new thing. Are they changing their names

1:13:06

to the Daily Jewish Wire? I read that on. I

1:13:08

don't know. No, they aren't. Are they that high? Is

1:13:10

that true or not? Probably satire. Oh, that's not true.

1:13:12

Daily Jewish Wire. I didn't know. I thought Ben Shapiro

1:13:14

was going to debate Candace Owens about anti-Semitism, though. That's

1:13:16

bad. That's a bad debate, Candace. It's going to

1:13:19

be a weird time. He shouldn't do that. No,

1:13:21

it's already framed poorly. Framed pretty poorly. Yeah. It's

1:13:24

his people. Debated on Palestinian

1:13:27

genocide. That's the correct debate. People always

1:13:29

want the inside of the pizza tracker.

1:13:31

The pizza tracker's not complete bullshit. But

1:13:33

it's 100% accurate. What are you talking

1:13:35

about? It's pretty accurate. Yeah. It works.

1:13:38

Every time I've ever relied on it, it has worked. Yeah.

1:13:41

If you're inside a Domino's,

1:13:44

the only thing about pizza tracker is that both. If

1:13:46

it's close enough for you to walk to, it doesn't work

1:13:49

well? No. Corporate actually does

1:13:51

keep track of your pizza tracker stats. So

1:13:53

if you're sending out pizzas like 50

1:13:55

minutes. No, they don't want deliveries to take

1:13:57

too long because it'll hurt the Domino's brand.

1:14:00

Like if a pizza takes an hour and a half to get

1:14:02

to the store. That's a concern. Yeah. No,

1:14:04

it does. Like they'll call you up. They'll call

1:14:06

up your store and be like, hey, why are your pizzas taking an

1:14:08

hour to get to the customer? Like our whole thing is completely different.

1:14:11

Well, that would be odd. Uh,

1:14:13

well, we were in a call. We were in UMass.

1:14:16

So my dad ran the Amber's Domino's,

1:14:18

which was like college Domino's.

1:14:20

That had to be fucking busy as hell. We

1:14:24

had six phone lines that were full

1:14:26

from midnight till 4 a.m., which is

1:14:28

when we closed. Were you on the

1:14:30

phone line? Yes. Were you

1:14:32

like Janine in Ghostbusters? Yes. I got it down to,

1:14:35

I probably could still do the whole thing in my, Hey, you

1:14:38

think of calling Domino's can I get your phone number? Okay.

1:14:40

What would you like? My phone's next

1:14:42

right here. Fourteen cheese. And

1:14:44

like, if they're like, they're like, Oh, I had a coupon

1:14:47

and then, you know, I knew exactly where every coupon, like,

1:14:49

dude, I was so fast on the phones I would process.

1:14:51

We would do. I was a human internet. We

1:14:55

would do over a hundred at orders

1:14:57

an hour coming out of that

1:14:59

Domino's. Wow. One store.

1:15:01

Yeah. And what was your

1:15:03

average ticket? We had 14 delivery drivers working

1:15:05

full stop from midnight to 4 a.m. Yeah.

1:15:10

The owner's fat son. Like, what are you in? Of

1:15:12

course. Like radar or something? Yeah,

1:15:14

here goes radar. Like the matrix. Yeah. So,

1:15:17

uh, but pizza tracker, because our store, because we got so many

1:15:19

orders and our orders were always took about two hours because again,

1:15:21

we were doing like, we're doing a hundred orders.

1:15:23

Were you doing the old one for me, one for you?

1:15:26

I had a little act like two hours

1:15:28

for a fucking pizza. Yeah, it was awful.

1:15:30

We had like one stars on. Okay. Here's

1:15:33

the other thing. So this is

1:15:35

your dad. We were in legacy. My

1:15:37

father was the worst Domino's owner ever.

1:15:40

He was absolutely the worst Domino's owner

1:15:42

ever. Oh my God. We ripped off

1:15:44

that. I mean, but he had to

1:15:46

show us how the. There's the way

1:15:48

again. There was no way. Here's the thing.

1:15:51

It was, you asked to say

1:15:53

gigantic college, right? Okay. Huge.

1:15:56

Yeah. We also delivered to Amherst

1:15:58

college and Hampshire college. There was three. Three colleges

1:16:00

that we delivered to. Amherst

1:16:03

is a hippie,

1:16:05

like blue state town where

1:16:08

all the bars and restaurants close

1:16:10

at midnight. My

1:16:12

dad's store was on the border of

1:16:15

Amherst and Hadley. It was literally, you

1:16:17

could see the border from the store.

1:16:19

So we were allowed, the only pizza

1:16:22

shop allowed to stay open because we

1:16:24

weren't in Amherst. We were outside of

1:16:26

Amherst. So every other restaurant closes,

1:16:29

the only thing you can do was

1:16:31

order Domino's or drive to

1:16:33

the McDonald's. Yeah. So

1:16:36

again, we're dealing with hundreds of orders. And

1:16:38

you're in there every Friday. I was in

1:16:40

there every Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Eventually

1:16:42

I did delivery driving and that was fun, but

1:16:44

then I kept wrecking my

1:16:46

car too anytime. Sicy roads.

1:16:49

Hard to get into those boxes while you're driving.

1:16:52

You got to cut it down the middle and

1:16:54

like squish it together. Being a delivery driver was

1:16:56

pretty fun. We could see. Well,

1:16:59

because it was like there was so many, it's

1:17:01

not like one of those things where it's like, yeah, take a couple of pies,

1:17:03

take a couple of pies. It's like the faster you

1:17:06

go, the more money you make. I mean, you

1:17:08

know, any delivery driver, like there's no,

1:17:10

like you get back and there's no order to

1:17:12

take. You get back and there's 50 more pizza

1:17:14

orders to take. This was also probably like pre

1:17:16

GPS too. So you had to know the neighborhood.

1:17:18

Every single dorm, I knew every single, the name

1:17:21

of every single dorm where it was, I knew

1:17:23

which fields I could drive across. I

1:17:25

knew, I knew like, oh dude, I was, I

1:17:27

was taking like, we didn't use

1:17:30

the streets. Like the dorms were all

1:17:32

like, what is it? Crazy taxi. Yes.

1:17:34

It was literally crazy. I

1:17:37

was driving across soccer field. How is this

1:17:39

not a video game? You may. Pizza

1:17:41

man. Pizza's V there

1:17:43

was like pedestrian walk. Domino's. Cause

1:17:45

you're not domino's. The parking

1:17:47

lots for the dorms were like, you know,

1:17:50

you'd have to, you could either walk 10

1:17:52

minutes to get a dorm or you could

1:17:54

just drive across the field. All these pedestrian

1:17:56

walkways, honking at all these drunk kids to

1:17:58

get out of the way. Cause

1:18:00

your car is full of pizzas and you're

1:18:02

just like ahhhhh ahhhhh and then you get

1:18:04

out and then these college

1:18:06

kids would never tip good but this was back in the

1:18:09

day when it was all it's all pen and paper there

1:18:11

was no like electronic signing or anything So you tip yourself?

1:18:13

Yeah you just have a little something like turn the floor

1:18:15

and turn a 1-4 I wonder where

1:18:17

the one star came from? Add

1:18:20

a couple extra tips Yeah we

1:18:22

had two hour waits and we were embezzling money

1:18:24

from every customer I definitely added a bunch of

1:18:27

tips look Cause your car is full of pizza

1:18:30

When my car is full of pizza and the smell of pizza and

1:18:32

the street By the way these

1:18:34

are the guys who were like the rich need to

1:18:36

pay their fair share Yeah, I was like steal from

1:18:38

consumers And then

1:18:40

the streets were driving across park It's all icy

1:18:42

roads cause it's the middle of winter so

1:18:44

I'm slamming my cars into guard rails and shit

1:18:47

Like my car, one

1:18:50

of my headlights just I had to duct tape

1:18:52

it back in cause I kept hitting shit with

1:18:54

it It was just falling out And

1:18:56

then you know at 4am we'd come, we'd finally shut

1:18:58

down Smoke some pot, play some cards

1:19:01

and then you'd sleep This is

1:19:03

probably why my sleep schedule is so fucked up This

1:19:05

is where I'm going first day with the time machine by the way

1:19:07

I gotta see this Operation that they were running It was like 70

1:19:09

pizzas at Amherst Yeah,

1:19:11

the halcyon days of

1:19:14

Amherstano Don't answer

1:19:16

the door We had a lot of

1:19:18

fun We had a lot of fun But

1:19:21

the point is I wanna see you deliver a pizza now

1:19:23

The point is with Pizza Tracker if the store is too

1:19:25

busy you can say Yeah, we're already on the road with

1:19:28

your pizza even though you haven't left the store yet Oh,

1:19:30

so it's like just being in LA and doing

1:19:32

things socially with other people Five

1:19:35

minutes away during the night I'll make my mom turn

1:19:37

on the radio That's how you'd hack the

1:19:39

people share We're on our way right now, turn on the radio, turn it up

1:19:41

right now On the car Oh, okay,

1:19:43

okay, hold on, let me try Hold on,

1:19:45

it should be right there Hold

1:19:48

on, you're breaking out Yeah, that's great on the

1:19:50

phones Getting

1:19:52

the pizzas out of the oven quick, that's a challenge You

1:19:55

gotta be real quick with that because they're pouring out of there

1:19:57

With the old peel? With the peel, the

1:19:59

pizza peel I want to see you deliver

1:20:01

a pizza so bad. I want to open a pizza.

1:20:03

I have to play a little bit. I want Vito

1:20:05

to deliver. I want you to deliver a pizza to

1:20:07

Domino's. Let's all go into business together. It's never ruined

1:20:09

a friendship in the history of capitalism. I

1:20:12

know how to make shitty, what do

1:20:14

you call it, franchise pizza. I think I could

1:20:16

make a decent real pizza too. Oh. Well,

1:20:19

Carl's got... You bet you could make it in a car. Carl's got... Because

1:20:23

I know all the... We do that now. Well,

1:20:25

yeah. Thanks to you. I know all

1:20:27

the... Hacks. I know the

1:20:29

pizza business. Wait, what's the hack? I

1:20:31

think I know, but... Well, it's not a hack. Extra food. Well,

1:20:34

the thing about pizza is... I'm with you. The

1:20:36

most expensive part of the pizza is the cheese.

1:20:38

Yeah. So that's why if a

1:20:40

pizza place is going to stiff you on anything, they're always going

1:20:43

to stiff you on the cheese. You have... Getting

1:20:45

extra cheese on a pizza is getting the normal

1:20:47

amount of cheese you should probably have on a

1:20:49

pizza. Yeah, but you're paying more. But

1:20:51

if you want... And there's no way to prove that they didn't do

1:20:53

it. I know, but if you want to... Yeah, you know. If

1:20:56

you want to beat that amount of cheese on a pizza, you have to order extra cheese now,

1:20:58

because every... Domino's

1:21:00

eventually... Because it used to be the employees, you just would

1:21:02

grab a handful of cheese and go, that's the right amount.

1:21:05

But the price of cheese eventually got to the point where

1:21:07

it had to be precisely... You ever watch those videos where

1:21:10

they're like, here's how Costco pizza's made, and everyone's like, oh,

1:21:12

that's so cool how the robot does it? I'm like, it's

1:21:14

not cool. The robot does it because

1:21:16

that reduces their overhead tremendously because it will only

1:21:18

give you two ounces of cheese and no more.

1:21:21

Well, literally, like at a Little Caesars where the

1:21:23

pizzas are five bucks, like that on every pizza... There's

1:21:25

no cheese on that little cesars. Like this on every

1:21:27

pizza is the difference between losing a million dollars and

1:21:29

making a million dollars a year. It is. It's

1:21:32

literally a game. The margins are not good. No,

1:21:34

it's terrible. Especially for Domino's. You know why? Why?

1:21:38

Because of Democrats. Because of minimum wage and minimum... Yeah,

1:21:40

that's part of it. Yeah, I went on

1:21:42

a whole tirade about that last week. Another big part of it.

1:21:44

Did you see that? Are you liking how much your food costs

1:21:46

now? You want to know another big part of... You know who

1:21:48

gets rich when that happens? The government

1:21:50

and only the government. You know what

1:21:52

fucked up a lot of franchise food

1:21:54

restaurants, though? The $5

1:21:56

foot long, redefined fast food

1:21:58

forever. Yeah. $20 an

1:22:00

hour minimum wage. Well, it's all yeah Eventually

1:22:03

well dollar minimum when the $5 foot long hit

1:22:05

all of a sudden the $5 price range in

1:22:07

the consumers mind became this like Thing of like

1:22:10

I can get a I can get a footlong

1:22:12

sub for $5 And

1:22:14

that's why the price of the quality of

1:22:16

food went down across the board is everyone

1:22:18

raced to compete with the $5 foot Long

1:22:20

and for the longest time Domino's had the

1:22:22

555 make videos like this We

1:22:25

eat food all day three medium. Yeah,

1:22:27

why are you talking about clearly invested

1:22:29

into? Yeah, you hate movies you love

1:22:32

food Shitty food.

1:22:34

Yeah, we love fast the $5 foot. I

1:22:36

can hear it in my dominoes Well,

1:22:38

I can see the video. I'm selling subway

1:22:41

rolled out the $5 foot long Down

1:22:46

and like a big shot of Jared. Yeah

1:22:49

Domino's Yeah,

1:22:52

Domino's were not in that bud my

1:22:54

dad probably died because of the $5

1:22:56

medium pizzas it drove him insane He

1:22:58

could not make a dollar because Dom

1:23:00

died of insanity, but kind of in

1:23:02

a way Domino's

1:23:14

introduced the 555 it was three

1:23:16

medium people laugh at $5 each Pizza

1:23:22

and there was no way to make a

1:23:24

dime You could no

1:23:26

longer sell anything else anyone who called in you'd

1:23:28

go. Do you want to buy anything other? I

1:23:30

want three medium pizzas for $5 each by the

1:23:32

way one of the doors shoot you in the

1:23:34

fucking head. That's the The

1:23:38

555 was the race to the bottom

1:23:40

for pizza and little Caesars followed suit

1:23:43

And that's why all your peace sounds like a

1:23:45

video like it sounds like a good video that

1:23:47

I want to watch Just crust and the sauce

1:23:49

and the tiniest amount of cheese to make it

1:23:52

appear like a pizza Because the

1:23:54

race to the bottom of the pizza the pizza

1:23:56

wars the straight to war in America. Yeah Like

1:24:00

the little teasers hot and ready the

1:24:02

second we establish a piece of dollars

1:24:04

it destroyed all pizza You're talking about

1:24:06

a collision of mukbang, which is gross,

1:24:08

but it has a huge amount of

1:24:10

people Yeah And obsessive autistic people that

1:24:12

are stuck in video game land right

1:24:14

now And I can only see so

1:24:16

many videos about like world 2-4 of

1:24:19

Mario speedrunning of 4-2 or whatever I

1:24:21

need what you're talking about a dumb

1:24:23

fall how dominoes ruined the fast

1:24:26

food industry But I

1:24:28

got a dominoes pizza was delicious

1:24:30

before the $5 foot long came along we had to make

1:24:32

a $5 pizza to compete Yeah, and

1:24:34

the quality went to shit and you get no cheese If

1:24:37

you worked at a dominoes and made your own pizza

1:24:39

you could make an incredible pizza with the ingredients made

1:24:41

available to you Yeah, but the average consumer has no

1:24:44

access to that because they want a $5 pizza We

1:24:46

did that at McDonald's when I worked there in

1:24:49

high school. We made all kind of shit. Yeah,

1:24:51

make great shit there Food

1:24:54

Dominoes chicken wings are incredible if you get them

1:24:56

double cooked I'll say that oh if

1:24:58

they go through that oven once cuz all I conveyor

1:25:01

I'm gonna make it Could you make a 40-minute video

1:25:03

on Domino's wings? I could make a I could make

1:25:05

a decent video on Domino's wings Everybody

1:25:07

thinks Domino's wings are trash if

1:25:09

you tell them to put it through the conveyor belt

1:25:11

twice or well Don't they'll do you know think of

1:25:14

the sponsorship this in think of the sponsors? Sponsorship

1:25:16

I know more about Domino. You could be

1:25:18

a food propagandist Like this guy before he's

1:25:20

saying that word I was saying

1:25:23

it back then too I also know a lot about the

1:25:25

guy who founded Domino's and then took all the money to

1:25:27

found his own Christian What do

1:25:29

you call it town? He owns that town

1:25:31

that you're not allowed to have premarital

1:25:33

sex Utah. I forget what it is He

1:25:37

was a crazy crazy religious guy Joseph

1:25:39

Smith John Monaghan Okay,

1:25:42

all right Yeah

1:25:48

It went off the conveyor belt Let

1:25:51

me let me see if Connor's honors here

1:25:54

my problem is this so yes, so

1:25:56

projectulate Connor is here. Hello Connor.

1:25:59

Hello. Hello Well, you promised soap

1:26:01

would be accurate. Yeah, like when

1:26:03

you press the soap and it the

1:26:05

soap gets all gunked in there Yeah, and hard

1:26:07

and then you press it and you're like, oh

1:26:09

god damn it. One of these oh shit And

1:26:12

then you blast that little hard bit out.

1:26:14

Yeah, so Until like a

1:26:16

spray like after you fucking your piss

1:26:19

shoots out, you know, it's like the so a

1:26:21

hand soap dispenser What do you come

1:26:23

on? What do you have a hand soap? Yeah,

1:26:25

I just have like a little like a dish soap

1:26:29

Woman, yeah, exactly. You got him. There's a problem

1:26:31

for all you like Pee Wee's Playhouse over here

1:26:33

I'm like, can I have some soap and a

1:26:35

little fucking hand? You think I don't want to

1:26:37

hand soap You felt like fucking lavender. Yeah, you

1:26:39

think all of our girlfriends are jerking people off

1:26:41

for money all the time because of the amount

1:26:43

of times They wash their hands. This is a

1:26:45

problem for those of you without washing your hands

1:26:47

I'm like you never wash your hands You're like

1:26:49

I just didn't that time cuz I'm not the

1:26:51

shit again Because it's not the

1:26:53

lavender smell so they know right away if you wash

1:26:55

your hands or not That's probably why they make obnoxious

1:26:57

smells. Yeah, I can tell you you do it Want

1:27:01

to wash ever I don't smell like

1:27:03

lavender and shit Yeah, right and that's

1:27:05

what it'll smell like well now

1:27:07

I it's the only way for me to know that you wash your hands

1:27:10

or not I

1:27:12

know as I've never met a man who refills

1:27:14

his own soap defense to the

1:27:16

Spencer. What do you mean? I'm

1:27:18

saying like so dispensers a lady thing I

1:27:21

have a little just have a little squirt bottle Yeah,

1:27:32

that's how you know he's not doing it. I just use

1:27:34

whatever I'm

1:27:36

not using so he's in there with

1:27:39

the Domino's cleaning product Yeah,

1:27:43

so but I have this so sounds like a guy doesn't

1:27:45

have any soap for everything. Yeah,

1:27:48

oh your body No,

1:27:50

I have regular soap and I use body

1:27:52

wash in the shower. Yeah, no who dial

1:27:56

What let me see it the body why let me see

1:27:58

let me see a picture on your phone There's a

1:28:00

body wash on my phone find it find

1:28:02

the body wash whatever the cheapest one is

1:28:04

like orange Dials

1:28:07

from the dish. Do you use dishwashing? No,

1:28:09

it's not it's not orange for the hour.

1:28:11

I'm saying it's got an orange cap Whatever

1:28:13

it is Flea

1:28:16

shampoo, what do you mean? It's like it says like honey

1:28:19

Something honey. I shrunk this smell honey.

1:28:21

I shrunk the smell. Yeah Honey

1:28:25

Do I smell bad? Sometimes

1:28:28

not today. I was worried

1:28:30

at the movies when you moved over. Well, I moved

1:28:32

over because you are big Yeah, okay. He was not

1:28:34

Westing in about it. I was worried I forgot I

1:28:36

went I actually went to my car to put on

1:28:38

deodorant I was like, oh fuck I forgot to put

1:28:40

on you were gone for a long time You just

1:28:42

say that why don't you just go I forgot and

1:28:44

then go do it. I did go do it Yeah,

1:28:46

but it was like two in the afternoon. Yeah I

1:28:50

do far into the day. No, it's early cuz he

1:28:52

wakes up at like. Oh, yeah, I'm

1:28:54

aware of when he wakes up Yeah, yeah, so that I

1:28:56

just woken up. We're talking about getting together. No, I

1:28:59

did shower before I met you So,

1:29:02

I don't know what happened that long ago What's

1:29:06

before he met you not since then

1:29:09

I'm trying not to smell bad. I'm always worried that I'm gonna

1:29:11

smell bad What kind of stuff do you use again?

1:29:13

I have like this body wash thing. I don't know. Yes. You

1:29:15

gotta send me a picture There's

1:29:20

a garlic butter no, no Papa

1:29:23

John's it might be fun. I have The

1:29:25

old spice deodorant I'm over because I wanted

1:29:27

to stretch because I'm stretch out I have

1:29:30

this fucking blanket on me from your side.

1:29:32

All right, but yeah, you smell it What'd

1:29:34

you guys go see was it overpowering or

1:29:36

is it was probably I was rough. It's

1:29:39

too much I haven't seen it, but I

1:29:41

know how it goes. No, it's okay. You

1:29:44

gotta get some mint stuff It was hot

1:29:46

that day. It was hot outside. I sweat

1:29:49

I have that same sweating problem. Yeah, that's

1:29:51

heart disease for all of us Once

1:29:53

I start so I use those we don't say that word.

1:29:55

Oh, yeah start

1:30:00

sweat bad luck

1:30:03

you've been hanging out in Chinatown

1:30:05

with this guy too long oh

1:30:07

he having a bad rock that's

1:30:09

what they say you say the n-word but when

1:30:11

you do a Chinese voice you say luck no

1:30:13

rocker rocker rocker okay we made him one yeah

1:30:23

okay you just got keemstar just

1:30:25

fired you from the lol cow

1:30:27

podcast right yeah that's that's

1:30:29

correct first thing though I just wanted to apologize

1:30:31

if I'm a little bit low energy y'all you

1:30:33

know I've been working don't worry I'm not as

1:30:36

I've worked on a lol cow podcast listening to

1:30:38

it every day for the past five months so

1:30:40

I'm a I'm recovering god you must want to

1:30:42

kill yourself you have to listen to every episode

1:30:44

of that shitty show yeah and make shorts and

1:30:46

edit all the mayor words out yeah swear words

1:30:49

out why why do they do that I

1:30:51

don't know keemstar said no swear words he's

1:30:53

got to be green podcast got to go green

1:30:55

every time so cut out every square word it's

1:30:57

only the square words only matter in the first

1:31:00

five minutes hey I mean

1:31:02

tall to keem you were

1:31:04

the editor did you have like

1:31:06

first cut last cut of that

1:31:08

show what do you mean by first Alaska like whatever

1:31:11

you editing decision yeah it went out like whatever

1:31:13

you made it went out oh yeah yeah yeah

1:31:15

well I mean I was told like to do

1:31:18

certain things like to edit at certain ways but

1:31:20

yeah like I would choose like the the content

1:31:22

that went out with what I was

1:31:24

given of course I mean so are you the reason

1:31:26

that everyone on that show sounds like a pedophile I

1:31:31

think that was a thing I mean I

1:31:33

know those guys I thought I was the theme of the show

1:31:35

they like not

1:31:39

intentional right yeah it's to bully them about

1:31:42

being pedophiles yeah okay so why did you

1:31:44

get now I do you find you've been

1:31:46

editing the show for how long five

1:31:50

months it's a good run and they were

1:31:52

paying much work they're paying it is a lot of

1:31:54

work honestly yeah how many shows would you be editing

1:31:56

a week I'd be doing like two

1:31:58

podcasts a week plus like uploading shorts and every

1:32:00

day that we're not doing podcasts. Yeah.

1:32:02

Full-time job it sounds like. Pretty

1:32:05

much, yeah. Full-time. Working

1:32:07

on it every day, Monday through Friday? Basically,

1:32:09

yeah. Pretty much every day, you know, making sure the

1:32:11

podcast is green. I didn't do

1:32:13

the titling, you know, the terrible titles. That's

1:32:15

all Keemstar. But pretty much everything else was

1:32:18

up to me. How much did you get paid for that? I

1:32:21

was getting paid $2K a month to do

1:32:23

that, $2K a month. Sounds like, well,

1:32:25

honestly, for the amount of work I was going to say, it doesn't sound like

1:32:27

a lot. Yeah. I don't

1:32:29

give a math if I'm working like 30 hours a week on it. I'm making $15

1:32:32

an hour, so, you know. Yeah.

1:32:36

But of course, I assume it comes with a

1:32:38

promise that, well, this will scale once the show

1:32:40

is making more money. Was there talk of more

1:32:42

money? Not

1:32:45

like a percentage wise, no. It was a flat rate. I

1:32:47

make $2K no matter what. How much does Boogie make?

1:32:49

Well, here's the thing, you

1:32:51

know, I'll tell you exactly how much it makes, because

1:32:53

it's not even really a leak. They've actually publicly talked

1:32:55

about it. You know,

1:32:57

Keem said that once the show started making $10K a

1:32:59

month, he would start taking a cut, right? Yeah. So

1:33:02

he just started taking a cut, so they've just

1:33:04

barely crossed that threshold. But if

1:33:06

they're making $10K a month- That means we're making more than them. Well,

1:33:10

we individually are. We have

1:33:12

Patreon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:33:16

Oh, you mean like total? Total, yeah. Well,

1:33:18

we make about $10K a month after everything. We're probably tied. What do

1:33:20

you mean more? We're making more than $10K. How

1:33:22

much are we making on Patreon? Like $9,000. Yeah,

1:33:26

and then we get an extra $3K or so

1:33:28

from YouTube. So we're at about $12K. I'm no

1:33:30

scientist, but I feel like more than $10K. I'm

1:33:33

saying it's pretty close, though. You mean it's close? It's pretty

1:33:35

close. We're more. We're more. We're

1:33:38

better. We're better in making more money.

1:33:40

What are you talking about? Why are you talking about?

1:33:42

It's this attitude that ran that dominoes into the fucking

1:33:45

ground. What the fuck are you talking about? It's close.

1:33:47

We win. What do you mean? Okay.

1:33:50

We're winning. I got it. Why

1:33:52

would you resist that? I'm not resisting anything. Connor,

1:33:54

are we winning or not? It sounds

1:33:57

like it's a bad red glow, funny. Show

1:34:00

is I mean that no offense to you, but that show

1:34:02

fucking sucks right. It's all fake. It's

1:34:04

so fake I mean, it's

1:34:06

very obviously fake. I you know I mean I think the

1:34:08

whole thing he pulled with me was definitely fake Was

1:34:11

made up in his head at least

1:34:13

and keemstar's amazing content brain. Yeah, let's get

1:34:15

that out of the way So what were you fired for

1:34:18

because it seems like you were doing it I mean you

1:34:20

were doing what keemstar wanted you were editing the show making

1:34:22

the clip making everyone look like out of files Yeah,

1:34:25

I won't get into all the nitty-gritty details, but

1:34:28

basically you know Keemstar his

1:34:30

one job is to run the live show right

1:34:32

he doesn't do the pre-recorded episodes He

1:34:34

just puts the titles up runs a live show.

1:34:36

That's it right sorry Are you saying it's do

1:34:39

you have an accent or something it because you're

1:34:41

saying ruining the live show, but it sounds like

1:34:43

a whole run What do you run? Yeah run

1:34:45

the live show real both both of course,

1:34:47

but no run live show And

1:34:51

yeah, so for the second week in a row he

1:34:54

couldn't figure out anything to talk about right like yeah

1:34:56

Figure out what to talk about podcast

1:34:59

problems You don't

1:35:01

have a format or anything you just go Yeah,

1:35:06

well those fail So

1:35:08

he couldn't figure out what he knows trying to

1:35:10

look cool to 25 year olds So

1:35:15

he pushed the job on to me right he called me he

1:35:17

said hey Can you make a docket for me look

1:35:20

I don't get paid to make a docket, but he was

1:35:22

like it's easy It's just we're just gonna read read it

1:35:27

Produce the podcast yeah, yeah, and so

1:35:29

I did it for free first mistake

1:35:31

I know I decided friends and family

1:35:33

discount motherfucker that's where you went wrong.

1:35:36

Yeah, you know that was my first mistake You

1:35:39

have a problem since you're calling in what it is

1:35:42

like scope Creek Creek or something like that Working

1:35:45

for a insane person yeah, yeah, it

1:35:48

starts thin skin. That's my problem Good

1:35:50

one But

1:35:53

yeah, I said sure you know I threw in y'all show in there

1:35:55

as well I threw in like 10 reddit posts. I was like this

1:35:57

is plenty. They have like an hour of content here to talk shit

1:36:00

So, you know, I said, you know,

1:36:02

I structured the docket with the idea

1:36:04

that they would all come in together. Boogie would

1:36:06

be there. They would watch your clip of you

1:36:09

saying that Boogie, like, you know, is suicidal, is

1:36:11

suicide-baiting on Twitter. It would be funny, it would

1:36:13

be interactive. Well, this retard goes live

1:36:15

and watches your whole clip by himself. He

1:36:18

doesn't bring a caddy in. Oh my

1:36:20

god! Wait, why is Keem doing this

1:36:22

with the show? Does Keem think that

1:36:24

people are tuning into the wall of

1:36:26

Calpagos for him? To watch him? Yeah,

1:36:29

I guess he thinks it's a Keemstar show. I

1:36:31

don't know what... Just do the fucking Keemstar show!

1:36:33

He has a blow-cow podcast. So

1:36:36

he watched the clip without Boogie or Wings?

1:36:39

Yeah, I think Wings was sick, but Boogie

1:36:41

was waiting in the call. He was ready

1:36:43

to come in. And then did Keem explain

1:36:45

the clip to him? Was that the thrilling

1:36:47

content? Yeah, it was him bringing Boogie in

1:36:49

afterwards and being like, so what did you

1:36:51

think about that? But that's not the only

1:36:53

thrilling content. He also spent the rest of

1:36:55

the next 20 minutes complaining about how bad

1:36:57

the docket was. After

1:36:59

he refused to read. Your docket?

1:37:01

Yeah. So Keem

1:37:04

is mentally handicapped in some

1:37:06

way. Where

1:37:09

does he not understand that no one is

1:37:11

tuning into the wall of Calpagos to watch

1:37:13

Keemstar do stuff for 20 minutes and then

1:37:15

bring everybody else on? Yeah, it's

1:37:17

a big... Why is it his show? He's

1:37:20

not a wall cow, right? I mean, he kind

1:37:23

of is, but that's not the theme

1:37:25

of the show. Yeah, it's supposed to be Boogie. I

1:37:27

mean, he even put Boogie in the thumbnail. He titled it like

1:37:29

that. We're going to do a Reddit review with Boogie. So

1:37:31

start the fucking show with Boogie. What is it

1:37:33

doing? Yeah, I know. It's this most simple idea.

1:37:35

You know Boogie? Yeah, you know Boogie. Yeah, he's

1:37:37

a fat guy who used to freak out all

1:37:39

the time. And if I told you, there was

1:37:41

a podcast about a big, fat, crazy guy who

1:37:43

keeps threatening to kill himself. That's not called Biggest

1:37:45

Problem in the Universe. And it's not mine? And

1:37:48

it's not yours either. There's a third one. Big

1:37:50

Ugliese. And you tune in and you immediately see...

1:37:52

How often does he suicide bait behind the scenes?

1:37:54

How often does Boogie say he's going to kill

1:37:56

himself in DMs and

1:37:58

stuff? Every time. He's

1:38:00

done it behind the scenes. He goes on Twitter and does it Yeah,

1:38:06

you'd go you tune in and then you immediately

1:38:09

see a 50 year old man pretending to be

1:38:11

a cool 20 something You know pretending

1:38:13

he's above it all and somehow better than

1:38:15

boogie and you'd go. Oh, well this show

1:38:17

sucks Yeah, just give me the fat

1:38:19

guy being the fat guy Yeah,

1:38:21

and that's not to mention he didn't even

1:38:23

that's what the show people want When

1:38:30

you told me there was gonna be a

1:38:32

lol cow podcast it was gonna be boogie

1:38:34

and wing Oh easy being fat and retarded

1:38:37

and saying insane things Oh, yeah, all right

1:38:39

And then every time I go to tune

1:38:41

into it is keemstar going oh, did you

1:38:43

guys hear about this internet drama? Bullshit thing

1:38:45

that I'm caught up doing his show to

1:38:47

only those two guys. Yeah, and I'm like

1:38:49

this sucks Yeah, those are my favorite guys

1:38:51

my favorite podcaster podcast about podcasts.

1:38:53

Yeah Well,

1:38:55

and then and then funny enough the

1:38:58

one person who said out to do

1:39:00

that is the only one who does

1:39:02

it Well, yeah, which is Carly's like well, what

1:39:04

if I don't it? What if I just say that

1:39:06

my podcast is about podcasts? Yeah, and then it's

1:39:08

like that's the format and

1:39:11

it's fine But then everyone else

1:39:13

just does that and it's plagiarist

1:39:15

and awful. Yeah So

1:39:18

keemstar first of all burned your great

1:39:20

content that you had prepared for the show ruined

1:39:22

a good bit Then he shit and

1:39:24

he asked you to do more work than you want

1:39:26

We're supposed to do and you did it and then

1:39:28

he shit on that as well Yeah,

1:39:30

yep, and you said I'm straight and basically said well,

1:39:32

I gave you a lot of good content But you

1:39:34

fucked it up and if you're fired for that, yeah

1:39:36