0:00

You made it here.

0:03

Finally, checked out of office

0:05

to check into the sweet views of

0:07

that place you've always wanted to go.

0:10

You know the one? It's nice.

0:12

Even the kids like it. This place is

0:15

so cool. And they never like

0:17

it. Mom, can we go to the pool? Look

0:19

at that. Not even asking for the WiFi.

0:22

When you're with Amex, it's not if it's

0:24

going to happen, but when American

0:26

Express don't live life without it.

0:30

Now

0:31

let's take a short break to talk about a

0:33

perfect pairing of McDonald's favorites. You

0:35

know that tender juicy crispy chicken

0:37

sandwich you love so much? It's even better

0:39

when paired with a frozen drink. I mean,

0:41

think about it. It's hot, you're hungry,

0:44

and you need the perfect pair to feel better.

0:46

McDonald's crispy chicken sandwich with a

0:48

frozen Santa Blue raspberry, frozen

0:51

Coca Cola, or frozen Santa Wild Cherry

0:53

is exactly what you need. Try them

0:55

today. Only at participating McDonald's.

0:58

And now, the bonfire

1:00

with big j ochreson and Dan Soder.

1:06

I know it's not the new intro

1:08

song officially, but I gotta say, the

1:11

energy in here when we play it is right.

1:13

We got Jacob and Lou back together. Damn.

1:16

I think he's in a whole routine.

1:20

I can't feel my families. Dance,

1:23

Lou. He

1:26

likes that hand warm. Alright. all I got.

1:29

Danny loves that handworm. Everybody

1:32

is the bonfire. Feel good today on a

1:34

Monday. I just lost a gel from the

1:36

light and I'm just in my head, in

1:38

my doomsday head, it causes a fire,

1:40

and we all die. Totally. Why wouldn't we

1:42

not be able to get out the door? I don't know. But, okay.

1:45

you've worked here long enough. It's true.

1:47

The doors are oddly heavy here.

1:50

They're worried about active shooters. Oh, man. Christina's

1:52

the last person to studio, should be stuck here all night.

1:56

Sips singing weekends, turn it up little people

1:58

at home or do. Take your hands

1:59

off the wheel everybody, put your trust in God

2:02

right now. hands off the wheel.

2:04

You are a god. Are

2:09

you dancing out there in your cars?

2:14

bloodsucker rolls. Oh,

2:23

man. Faxi Talk series

2:25

XM103 I'm Big

2:26

championship. That's Daniel's son. Hi,

2:28

and so rotor. Hello. Only a couple episodes

2:30

in the cover cut, but it's good. It's Daniel Sonder.

2:32

Daniel Sonder. Daniel Sonder

2:35

was always what I used to get hit with. Sonder.

2:38

Yeah, dude. I just

2:41

wanted to find a reason to call you Daniel's daughter. You're out. You're like, you're like, you

2:43

fuck. You're like, you fuck. You know

2:46

my name, you prick? It's so Because

2:48

it's loser, sit down. You

2:50

sit when you pee now. You're

2:52

a lady from now on.

2:54

That was

2:55

a week in everybody coming in with a can't feel my

2:57

face and that brings that energy.

2:59

Yeah. Bring that It brings Coke energy. What

3:01

what do you want to do Coke? Yeah. because

3:04

she didn't get super jittery. She keeps scratching

3:07

marks into the wall every time we play it.

3:09

I love that song. She calls an old pager number

3:11

that doesn't even work. She

3:13

goes, I'll take two please. I

3:16

don't even do that anymore. That was

3:17

the third party starting. Do the CDs

3:20

as the code for weed

3:22

was the weirdest thing in the world to me. Yeah.

3:24

Because I got you. You want twenty

3:26

five CDs and you're like --

3:29

Yeah.

3:29

-- who's CDs like

3:31

like because now I mean, my friend

3:33

constantly brings CDs to each other

3:36

because I want all the canceled dead live shows.

3:38

Give me fifty. We always did flyers.

3:40

A lot of different color flyers. So it's like green

3:42

flyers, white flyers, pink flyers. Those are

3:44

edgy. What was the code? because it was

3:46

for promotion. be like, we're promoting. We

3:48

need these flyers. Mhmm. Yeah. But how would

3:50

you tell the dealer you wanted in a just

3:53

a fifty dollar factory? Greenfly.

3:55

Fifty green flowers. That would if you wanted a

3:57

half ounce. But if you're getting two things at once,

3:59

two hundred.

3:59

It starts to seem like code for sure.

4:02

Yeah. And it's not I'm saying when they realize

4:04

it's code, It's

4:05

not a hard code. That's the wrong

4:07

pin. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's, like, of

4:10

white flyers, like, let me guess. Coke.

4:12

Yeah. The green fly layers

4:14

are weed. Let's say, I'm assuming. Brown

4:16

eye is probably the head wrong. How about fifty

4:19

mystic ladies? You know, now

4:21

you're getting into human traffic. kink. So

4:23

you can't even use that. Fifteen Korean

4:25

preteens. Oh,

4:28

what? Fifteen holes. What? I

4:30

order my weed and other illegal things.

4:33

Can I have a kilo? Fifty

4:36

kilos. I have can

4:38

I get a can I get an eighth of

4:41

Eagles in captivity? Yeah.

4:44

They man, Biden, we you to

4:46

be super hard. If

4:48

you were I didn't smoke weed

4:51

in

4:51

a the hardest it ever was for me

4:53

was meeting up with Wayne to grab my

4:56

stuff he would get for me. And

4:58

I would get that little cube of it.

5:01

And that cube when I first started smoking

5:03

weed Yeah. The the plastic mugs to

5:05

me. I would yeah. the big one, the tall one.

5:07

Sure. And I would get that, and I would grind it all

5:09

down right away, and I would smoke like bowls

5:11

or whatever at the beginning. I

5:14

went through my teenage smoking weed

5:16

in my

5:17

mid twenties, mid mid late twenties.

5:20

Yeah. weed. But

5:21

no. the opposite. I'm saying

5:23

more than the other way, like, it didn't take much

5:25

of that time. Yeah. So

5:27

I'd buy a, like, a fifty dollars that was

5:29

fifty bucks. That's a weed. That would

5:31

last me too weak. When it started

5:33

lasting a week, I was like, maybe kinda slow down

5:35

smoking the week. So when I mean,

5:37

that would be crazy if I brought that for a weekend

5:39

somewhere. Now I'd be like, well, I

5:41

guess

5:41

I have to call a stranger, walk

5:43

to get weed. Yeah. Smoking weed in your

5:46

teenage years is dangerous because

5:48

a, you wanna do the most you

5:50

can. You have that, like, t teenage energy

5:52

of, like, let's do gravity bomb hits

5:54

or -- Okay. -- you know, clambate the

5:56

bathroom. And then you

5:59

have shitty weeds. because you

6:00

don't have a Klampac. Spell your name

6:02

for it. Yuck. Yeah. Or you Klampac

6:04

a car where you

6:05

just don't roll down the windows. What's that

6:07

called? A Klampac's not what I've ever heard

6:09

it called. that some

6:11

clap I mean, I've heard it, but it's called hot

6:13

boxing as well. It's hot boxing, well. Sure. I've heard

6:15

you call it hot playing bakersfield, but

6:17

it smells bad. Well,

6:19

you guys are you guys baking

6:21

clams? No, man. That's the shit. He goes, I

6:23

don't know if I wanna smoke. What are you talk it

6:25

smells like clams? everybody

6:28

can smell my dirty pussy. Oh my

6:30

god. Is that what it was? But

6:32

we you know, that's just whenever you hot box

6:34

around with Christina and it's clambate. Yeah.

6:37

Everyone can smell my dirty pussy. But,

6:40

yeah, you do that dumb shit when you're young with

6:42

bad weed, and then now you can just buy

6:44

it, you know? Pretty easy. But but I

6:46

was getting, like, good weed from the get go.

6:48

I I didn't ever have

6:51

Again, are we I'm humble. I've had I've

6:53

had

6:55

under ten batches of wheat in my

6:57

life, my lifetime. Yeah.

6:59

that I've had to and

7:01

maybe under five that I've had to, like, pull

7:03

stems and seeds. That used to

7:05

be a whole activity. I know. get those

7:07

flat pancakes and I did a cut through

7:09

them. So when I moved

7:11

talking about finding weed, how it used to be

7:13

hard, when I moved to

7:16

to Jersey, when I first moved out here to Hoboken, and

7:18

I was living on my buddy's couch, there was a

7:20

guy that worked a parking garage, and he would

7:22

sell he would sell grams,

7:25

just grams. So you'd have to be like, what's

7:27

that? Like I'm so bad. measurements? It's

7:29

like an eighth is three point five

7:31

grams. So it's like a third of an eighth.

7:33

Okay. So it was it sucked. It was

7:35

expensive and, you you know, he'd only

7:37

do, like, you'd do, like, three let me get three

7:39

twenties. Let me get it was twenty dollars a gram.

7:41

Mhmm. And this fucking asshole

7:44

and fuck this guy, he had glass

7:46

vials. for some reason.

7:48

That's what he gave away. But did

7:50

I remember specifically it was the play

7:52

NFL playoffs. we,

7:54

like, got money together. My roommates had money. I

7:56

didn't, but I was like, I'll go pick it up. And they're

7:58

like, yeah. Go get

7:59

go get three grams. go get, like,

8:02

sixty dollars. Go get nine twenties. Yeah.

8:04

And so I went -- Seventy three twenties. -- I

8:06

went and on the exchange, I had

8:08

winter gloves on. and I handed him the

8:10

money, and he put it in, and they, like, knocked

8:12

around and slipped out and broke on

8:15

the like, shit. I just broke.

8:17

On the sidewalk, this is, like, near where

8:19

he works. he works in the parking garage and he goes,

8:21

oh, he's saying this this porter he can

8:23

do. One of those cubes, you mean he was in? Yeah.

8:25

Yeah. This frustrate frustrated Puerto

8:27

Rican guy going like, man, I don't

8:29

know. He's fucking walked away. And I'm

8:31

like taking off my gloves and going and

8:33

trying to pick out the buds. Oh,

8:35

dude. science vial. Yeah. It was, like, the

8:37

fucking it was, like, it was, like, a little big thing with

8:39

us. You're not you're not talking about the cubes. The cubes I

8:41

was talking about the last last like, this

8:43

was glass. Okay. I don't

8:45

know how or why he had a glass

8:47

jar. Yeah. It was like a little maybe that's

8:49

why he charged so much. You

8:51

also get a nice little you guys get a

8:53

little chunky style. It's kinda cool. It goes So

8:55

I go for a house with you. If I go on

8:57

it in a minute Anytime I get packaging, do I

8:59

know I have the option to keep it.

9:01

That'd be useful. Yeah. It's pretty

9:03

chill. Yeah. See, like, I got a I like that product.

9:05

We got a fun little return policy

9:07

here. If you bring it back, your next gram's

9:09

fifteen didn't go back to that feeling you had --

9:11

Yeah. -- when your jelly became your

9:13

cup. Ira, dude. I remember the feeling.

9:15

I've looked at all. We we brought up on the

9:17

show. I've looked it up on eBay on the road several times.

9:19

You think about doing it? I can't believe we didn't get

9:21

the Garfield's rule. I'm gonna

9:23

do the the Welch's dinosaurs. Yeah. I

9:25

think Garfield's hell I would play. Those

9:27

are ones. If I'm fucking if I'm blowing

9:29

money on nostalgia, on nonsense

9:32

across all fucking child things,

9:34

it's probably good at a point

9:36

though that I It's one, don't

9:38

understand online shopping very well. The Christians

9:40

do most of it for me. Look at the Gartner

9:42

wants to roll. I mean, What

9:45

is it about just striking a chord

9:47

in our white trash hearts? Well,

9:49

they got you on several things. You

9:51

see, like, cartoon glasses? And

9:53

I'm, like, What are we talking about

9:55

here? That's our decision. back to a

9:57

feeling, dude. That's the thing. The

9:59

Garfield But I

10:00

think this this Garfield

10:01

Mugs and the other one that was huge to me. I think I told

10:03

you this before, the alf hand puppets from Burger

10:06

King. Yeah. Huge. These

10:08

mugs huge and the

10:10

fucking muffet babies. The

10:12

muffet

10:12

babies had, like, oh, like,

10:15

terrible tricycles and everything. They

10:17

were

10:17

pretty good toys. I think now it's like cracker

10:19

jacks. Cracker jacks, you'd have a little something in there that was

10:21

like, here's a piece of plastic. But

10:23

you could use it in some cup you know what I There

10:25

was some a cool one's in there. Now it's like

10:27

they won't even give you something like that. You still have little

10:29

baseball cards sometimes? Yeah. You know,

10:31

the cracker jacket would be like a little bojaxan

10:33

card and you're like But it's now it's like now

10:35

it's something there. It's gotta be super safe and

10:37

whatever. So it's, like, nothing. Yeah. It's,

10:39

like, a a password for a website to, like,

10:41

let's do across the fuckers. why don't

10:43

we just start making children's

10:46

toys dangerous and out of let again?

10:48

Yeah. And then overpopulation won't

10:50

be a problem. That's the issue. There's your dinosaur

10:52

glasses there. There I

10:53

already did. You don't remember them up at babies though? No.

10:55

I don't. But those I would use specifically,

10:57

I'm a tell you only allowed in

10:59

my house for juice. Juice.

11:01

You fucking put water. You put

11:04

alcohol. You put soda in there. You're gonna get fucking

11:06

hit. Milk. Milk and

11:07

juice, I'd say. No. Really?

11:09

And I'm a milk I think you're just being

11:11

I think you're just being contrary, Dan.

11:13

I disagree. I think nothing would bring

11:15

you happiness in sitting Indian style. and

11:18

milk out of that purple tarrant

11:20

specifically, the contrast of the

11:22

purple terra diopter.

11:24

Can I tell you something Yeah. That

11:26

was the one that I had. Of course, it was, dude.

11:29

Everybody wanted the Teradynek dual vent backwards.

11:32

Second is the Stegosaurus.

11:34

then t rex. Then the t rex all

11:36

the way on the left. I mean, the brontosaurus rules. And

11:38

the brontosaurus, but that's your fourth favorite. I

11:40

don't know. It's

11:41

green, dude. You

11:42

know, I feel like, are

11:44

we going back to child brains? I'm gonna tell

11:46

you right now. It's green. The fucking rules.

11:49

Yeah. Those are But I'll tell you this, though. They're

11:51

on a source, though, I would have no interest in drinking

11:53

milk out of. Yellow in milk. Christine, I

11:55

was being I was being contrarian. Yeah.

11:58

would

11:58

drink milk out of it. Whom I can not

11:59

drink milk out of it? Definitely. Out of my hands. I'm

12:02

sorry that when you try to put milk in that, your

12:04

mother hit you with a ruler and said only

12:06

juice. No. It was

12:08

a jab. up. Oh, really, she gave you just a straight

12:10

left. Thank you. If she goes it

12:12

was a right. She's south pole. Yeah. Here.

12:14

Come on. Jay learned a little bit

12:16

by you better. You've seen her right here.

12:18

Yeah. You guys you've seen her fighting

12:20

stiff. No. No. She's you saw a threat. And before

12:22

she is the South all. Is she really?

12:24

Yeah. We're both with lefty. Mhmm.

12:27

I feel terrible for left handed riders. It

12:29

looks like a knight that sucks. You're

12:31

just constantly be covering everything you're riding. Yeah. You're

12:33

lefty. Blue. Blue. Oh, yeah.

12:35

Are you lefty? I'm not lefty, but I

12:37

agree with what you're saying. Just

12:39

remember the kids When you watch somebody, do I have watched --

12:41

Yes. -- managers, like, when they write your

12:43

checkout at the end of a weekend,

12:45

doing that. It's so awkward looking

12:48

just learn the other way. You're trying to get

12:50

your hand over? Yeah. You're like, I

12:52

mean, I'm lefty. Smudging everything the

12:54

writing along they have it's so unnatural they have to

12:56

do. It's always your hand. Yeah. You look up in

12:58

your hand and you're like, oh, damn, dude. There's

13:00

just ink on the bottom of your hand. Mhmm.

13:02

because you're writing and you're like, as

13:04

you're here's the things about it. Right. Right.

13:06

It goes like I never thought about

13:08

it. just trail your head.

13:11

Here's the thing about Trish though.

13:13

She trains all the time. And she

13:15

trains she trains

13:17

regular stance. standard. So

13:19

she can mix it up whenever. That's why you'll

13:21

never see her come and Jacob. Yep. So keep talking

13:23

that shit. Mhmm. Think that left won't you can

13:25

think the left the right won't put you down,

13:27

but well. Yay. Yo. Keep stuck. Did you find them up at

13:29

babies, Christine? I was trying to enjoy my

13:31

childhood for a second. You don't care about

13:33

muppets or their babies? Do

13:35

the muppets babies. is

13:38

a if you grew up watching

13:40

that show -- I did. -- you

13:42

kinda forget that it's one of the

13:44

best children shows, like Bobby's world.

13:46

People forget about Bobby's world, like, Bobby's

13:48

world. I did like that.

13:50

Great children shows when you were growing up because

13:52

they they don't know if they probably still do it. We're

13:54

just obviously It was a very short lived one. We

13:56

let me mention on the show before, but the the Adventures

13:58

of Don Coyote.

14:00

thought that was a lot of fun. Santiago,

14:03

Panda, was a sidekick. Right. Doll and

14:05

Coyote. And by the way, when I was young

14:07

enough when I saw that, when they were,

14:09

like, I

14:09

heard then a little bit later the

14:11

story of Don Quixote. You know,

14:13

it's the whole deal. And then I like, a city

14:16

of gold. It was made of it was

14:18

this cartoon was based off of that Don

14:20

Cote. He was, like, believed everything was grander

14:22

than it was, you know. Oh, yeah. and

14:24

but I was like, I know the story of Don

14:26

Quixote. You're telling the story. I was like, I don't

14:28

think I I agreed with it, but I was like, I don't think I

14:30

actually do know. I was like, he fought the windmill,

14:32

we believe, is a dragon. Anything

14:35

in the muppets and space? Christinefigures.

14:39

Figures. Mhmm. Not not cups. it's great have

14:41

you clench your your teeth and be like,

14:43

no. Oh, sorry. That was terrible. She was looking

14:45

at a oh, you're right. My instinct is

14:48

turn around. and and hit the

14:50

computer because I can't hit her. Legally?

14:53

I, man. They -- Yeah. -- are the

14:55

happy meal ones? Yeah.

14:56

Yeah.

14:58

They I'm saying that they McDonald's

15:01

will never give

15:02

you a toy of this caliber quality ever again.

15:04

I want you to look up happy meal toys because I feel

15:06

like McDonald's has stayed nope.

15:09

they have a no. Look at those.

15:11

I remember those. I have those. I most of

15:13

my toys were McDonald's happy meal

15:15

toys.

15:15

Yeah. Mine too. Yeah. They were. Yeah.

15:18

I had a ton of I had a lot of that. me and

15:20

Christine Lovey Joe. I have bars and stuffed

15:22

animals, but I had two jars of

15:24

McDonald's toys in there. Those are my fucking toys. I

15:26

don't remember the second

15:28

round They bought the nineties

15:30

one. It's

15:31

like it says eighty six ninety. The

15:33

ninety ones are far into me, but the ones on top

15:35

-- Yeah. -- those are all

15:37

four of those, and it mattered so

15:39

much. I actually feel like

15:41

I had miss piggy in

15:43

this pink car. God, it was shit in

15:45

for all that fucking shit out. Garage sales. Well,

15:47

Christine, that means you were getting happy meals at

15:49

one year old. I wanna know it. Mcdonald's

15:52

was right in my house. The beef is good

15:54

for her brand. Her

15:56

mom put McDonald's

15:58

shakes drawn of her nipples. So Christine

15:59

would suck the wrong thing. You know what my dad would

16:02

do when there was good toys. So, like, when

16:04

the when the teeny babies came out, it's my

16:06

dad beating you. No. He would just

16:08

eat McDonald's he would eat happy meals for his

16:10

meals. So he would just order extra happy

16:12

meals so he could get me extra toys. That's pretty

16:14

cool dad. And I'm not gonna lie.

16:16

I'll knowing that he's getting hammered and ripping butts.

16:18

Yeah. Sounds pretty cool. Yeah. It's

16:20

also pretty close to that's why you stayed

16:22

a slim man. Yeah. He's like, Oh, I

16:24

shit. Fresh and happy meals. Yeah. Childlike

16:26

calorie. Yeah. A chlorine can take for a

16:28

child. Yeah. He's fine.

16:30

bring up current. I sometimes get the apple slices

16:33

instead of the fries. Bring

16:35

up current happy meal for it.

16:38

don't see what they they're gonna be trained. But it's like an

16:40

iPad. They're like, yeah, what you're saying? It's

16:42

not an iPads. A a

16:44

prepaid sixty minute Oh, you

16:46

get the iPhone twelve if you go

16:48

get it at happy meals? Cars

16:52

I mean, those are pretty good, dude. Yeah. Those

16:54

are pretty good. They're pretty good. They're

16:56

pretty good. But I will say, because

16:58

the cars themselves or other cars. From

17:00

the movie cars. I know. But because the

17:02

cars that got us, it's a little chance. Show me

17:04

something better. It's a

17:06

little chintzy. Oh, christine, first of

17:08

all, you're on happy meal dot com.

17:10

Get off McDonald's. pro McDonald's

17:13

propaganda. Let's get to

17:15

an off brand list of what

17:17

our current you know what the watch

17:19

dog is? Yeah. I current

17:21

versus I wonder what

17:22

Burger King's drop, and Burger King had some decent

17:25

toys for a little bit, depending on what we're

17:27

looking. I can't guess. Has anybody out there have

17:29

kids that know what current who by the happy meals anymore? You feel

17:31

like a piece of shit if you get your kid a happy meals?

17:33

Probably not. It probably works

17:35

exactly the same as it did when we were

17:37

a kid. when my mom would

17:37

give me McDonald's, I was so grateful for

17:40

I was like, this is kinda fuck I got

17:42

a toys, fucking rules. Oh, no. People just look

17:44

at McDonald's. There was

17:47

specific look this up McDonald's happy meal

17:49

toy where these animals had weapons

17:51

on them. It was like in the fucking

17:53

nineties. was a cartoon and they

17:55

were, like, military animals, like,

17:57

lambs and shit. And there was a

17:59

toy how would you search? Can you remember?

18:01

I just remember being Dude, you just gave me a

18:03

real fuck. So fucking excited. I

18:06

used to get the shit kicked out of me on the

18:08

wrestling team. I was telling that story about the guy the

18:10

guy that made front of me crying, is he

18:12

wrestling me?

18:13

Which ones?

18:14

the No. Go

18:15

go down one directly below

18:18

that in the second row to the right. No. Fuck.

18:20

They were like lambs. And

18:22

it was happy meal? Yeah. It was happy meal toys,

18:24

and they were like they were like soldiers

18:27

from the nineties. Fuck. It

18:29

was like cartoon, I think. I don't know, dude. I've done a lot of

18:31

drugs. I could be completely creating

18:33

this, but

18:33

I'm pretty sure I just remember losing a

18:36

wrestling meet and being like, my mom's like, we'll

18:38

go to models. And I was like, if

18:40

I get that fucking lamb with the

18:42

Bazooka, I wouldn't have my goddamn

18:44

model. Oh, no. I but I

18:46

just gotten the shit beat out of me at a

18:48

wrestling part of And I was like, this

18:50

is gonna be pretty cool if I get the

18:52

fucking toy that I want. Just really

18:54

knocked around a memory

18:56

for me that when I was young

18:58

-- Mhmm. -- young enough,

18:59

and I'd say at that time of

19:01

the world,

19:02

at eight or

19:04

nine years old, maybe

19:07

ten. eleven, I

19:08

was able I could have walked me down with myself.

19:10

Damn. And but I

19:11

didn't have a lot of money. You lived

19:13

here, Becca. I I would I

19:15

almost feel like I should remember the date because

19:17

the saddest thing in my life was to go

19:19

to McDonald's when you find out you

19:22

could. Music great.

19:27

I remember the

19:29

birth of the twenty piece McNuggets.

19:31

Yeah. It's like it was a

19:33

day we landed on the moon. you

19:35

being a little can I say that you being a little a

19:37

little chubby kid listening to

19:39

this fucking incredible hulk

19:42

wandering music? as

19:44

you go, dude, I was already living a life of.

19:46

This is before the four piece nuggets. So the four

19:48

piece nugget was the kids

19:50

meal. Yeah. That was the kids meal one. then

19:52

the next was like it

19:54

was you can get six or

19:57

ten. I think it was it was the ones. And

19:59

then they released that twenty. by the way, I believe was

20:01

saying, like, here's a nice thing so your family can

20:03

offer the nuggets. And all I thought

20:05

about was how it's gonna be mine

20:07

and sitting alone

20:10

outside, like

20:11

getting it from McDonald's and

20:13

not sitting in a McDonald's by myself. I knew that

20:15

looked weird. finding a place in the neighborhood.

20:17

Yeah. You squirled it. It's just

20:20

a fat little

20:22

squirrel. He just took your little nuts and

20:24

he ran into the That was your

20:26

And, dude, that was o g recipe, hot sauce,

20:29

hot mustard sauce? O

20:31

g recipe, barbecue sauce, and it was

20:33

thick. So runny now. Can I tell you right now?

20:35

Yes. I wish we were best friends back then, so I

20:37

could've had some nuggets with you buddy. I would've been

20:39

so upset if you were there with Dan,

20:42

I didn't have a hard time making friends. fine

20:44

with friends. I didn't really I only know that it's I

20:46

just had to get away from my friends so I can

20:48

feel fascinated with your first parking lot time.

20:50

Remember that woman on, like, my six

20:53

hundred pound knife. Parked a lot of time. a lot of time

20:55

where she just fucking ate fast food in her

20:57

car by herself. Me and Christine

20:59

crushed McDonald's together in a parking lot

21:01

before going to my mom's house. The

21:03

best McDonald's I've ever had in my life

21:05

was a truck stop going down

21:07

to DC. I had a big

21:09

mac meal and a fillet of fish with a large

21:11

Sprite. My dick moves from think

21:13

about that. Yeah. Fries? Yeah.

21:15

Yes, Jason. Yeah. So dip it.

21:17

I dip it. I got ketchup. Mhmm. Hey, right in

21:19

that parking lot, Jacob. How fucking gross is that?

21:21

Is that like me getting a lot lizard for

21:24

you? Sagging me having a lady come in my fucking eighteen

21:27

wheeler suck my dick in the back bunk. Jacob,

21:29

you have no nostalgia for

21:32

Mcdonald's

21:32

food like that, though, do you? Like, my man, fillet,

21:34

a fish is great. It's all

21:36

--

21:36

It did go. -- when when when

21:38

we were Yeah. They didn't like But do you feel

21:40

like if you've been able to I'd say

21:42

McDonald's cheeseburger. Done right.

21:44

Hot, fresh, made

21:46

with a little bit of give a shit is a

21:48

delicious taste. So delicious.

21:50

Of course. Yeah. Would those hit you

21:52

as, like, delicious when you bit in them? Or would you be like, I

21:54

don't like the taste of this. No.

21:56

I didn't I

21:57

didn't go crazy for it. Please tell me the

21:59

segment sponsored by Wendy's. I'm

22:03

talking about Mcdonald's? No. No. I was just Yeah. No. because I'm

22:05

telling McDonald's just pieces of shit now.

22:07

Yo. Yo. Yo. What's up? It's Chris Sims,

22:09

former NFL quarterback current

22:11

NBC analyst and host of the Chris

22:13

Sims unbuttoned podcast. It's a

22:16

wild NFL season and we'll be with

22:18

you all the way. interviewing

22:20

players, picking games, and

22:22

breaking down film so you know

22:24

what the f happened on Sundays.

22:27

So if you wanna know more football than all

22:29

your friends this season, listen

22:31

and subscribe to the Chris Sims

22:33

unbuttoned podcast on Stitcher.

22:36

Your

22:36

favorite band's about to play a sold out show. You

22:38

got in. Over here. With

22:40

a friend, Aon fought a spot close enough

22:42

to see the sublist.

22:43

they're definitely playing your song.

22:45

When

22:45

you're with Amex, it's not if it's going

22:47

to happen, but when American Express don't

22:50

live life without it.

22:51

Now let's take a short

22:52

break to talk about a perfect pairing of

22:54

McDonald's favorites. You know that tender

22:56

juicy crispy chicken sandwich you love

22:59

so much? It's even better when paired with

23:01

a frozen drink. I mean, think about

23:03

it. It's hot, you're hungry,

23:05

and you need the perfect pair to

23:07

feel better. McDonald's crispy chicken

23:09

sandwich with a frozen Santa Blue

23:11

raspberry, frozen Coca Cola, or

23:13

frozen Santa Wild Cherry is exactly what

23:15

you need. Try them today. Only I

23:17

participated in McDonald's.

23:19

Wendy's Jacobs. I was like, that's

23:21

a whole other story. Right? I do thought it was You

23:23

break a you break a Yum! Capurra fast for

23:25

for Wendy's. I was thinking I was like, what would

23:27

who's or so? I said it was fast.

23:30

I'm gonna find Dude, I had

23:32

these. I had these as crazy. Yeah. I

23:34

remember the little mermaid ones. I mean, those were it

23:36

was huge. Oh, I think it was from the

23:38

eighties. Yeah. It was it used to be a massive thing. We're like,

23:40

look, when you were younger, it was

23:42

better. It was better. It was better. I

23:44

remember the holyfound the tory ones at all.

23:46

Toys from Hook. Yeah. She

23:48

found cars. What else? But no. That was on

23:51

their site, which by the way, we gotta go on

23:53

their site anyway. Maybe it's a

23:55

good transition. transition videos

23:57

that you want we want to watch last week.

23:59

You know, there video might be audio only, but, like, it doesn't

24:01

that's great. Oh, okay. Okay. No.

24:03

West jam ones are pretty good. No.

24:06

Space

24:06

Jam ones. Star Wars. pretty awesome.

24:09

Damn.

24:09

We really underestimated the

24:11

technology. The Look at those. Well,

24:13

I don't know where I say better. Okay. You

24:15

know what? A lot of platforms, a lot

24:18

of platforms, though. A little pony. Can

24:20

you show me the Scooby Doone, please?

24:22

That's weird that they did solve the Pixar movie

24:24

because it's -- Oh. -- I really like that.

24:26

The Scooby Doo? Yeah. Should we start eating

24:28

happy meals again? Come down, dude.

24:30

Who are

24:30

those those? Christine, you wanna see if we eat

24:33

happy meals? If we Christine,

24:35

do you wanna try a fun diet? We eat

24:37

one time a day.

24:38

Whenever. Only

24:40

the contents of a small happy meal. Hey.

24:42

I they already did that. Alright.

24:44

It's called Super Bowl. No. He did

24:46

McDonald's. large meal. He did McDonald's. he

24:48

would eat there three times a day. Oh. That's what

24:50

he did. That was his

24:53

thing. But he or whatever however, two

24:55

meals a day. Yeah. whatever way, the breakfast and

24:57

I think a dinner meal. Chantout Morgan's

24:59

Burlock. Chantout. He's the one that hired me to

25:01

do Manson. He's got in

25:03

trouble. I went out on on a a few dates with

25:05

this woman woman that, one,

25:07

she loved doughnuts. She was

25:10

great looking. So

25:10

but for a

25:12

very short window of time. She she loved doughnuts, so she

25:15

just thought to herself. I'll

25:17

only eat

25:17

two doughnuts today. So I'm within

25:20

my caloric when though.

25:22

Yeah. And she did that for about

25:24

three weeks. Okay. And

25:26

then she started. Yeah. Then

25:28

she started it had no nutritional

25:30

value. So she she had to go she would get super

25:32

sick. Yeah. And the doctor told her,

25:34

yeah, you're these haven't these are

25:37

empty calories. But for two

25:39

weeks, she was just surviving on,

25:41

like, two two or

25:42

three doughnuts a day. Well, then I tell you my crushed

25:44

vitamins. So my crushed vitamins

25:47

and hit the caloric intake, which is Christine. Look up the

25:49

caloric intake of one happy meal, please.

25:51

But that it sounds better on paper

25:53

than I think that she is.

25:55

because, like, a weekend, she's probably, like, I'm

25:58

hungry, but just She was happy, but she had

25:59

to be ordered off of them. because she She

26:02

thought she wasn't doing anything wrong.

26:04

Yeah.

26:04

I mean, she's living in a seven year old streak. Oh,

26:07

I remember that too.

26:09

The transformers that were actually the

26:12

the stuff. I would say that is the no. I

26:14

would say that's the number one happy meal

26:16

toy of all time. They were McDonald's burgers

26:18

and stuff that transformed another stuff. And I

26:20

thought that hit a generation big

26:22

enough for, like, ten years before you know

26:24

what I mean? There's a lot a

26:26

lot of people that remember the Christine,

26:28

the

26:28

calories, please, in a happy meal.

26:32

I miss the old styrofoam containers too. I

26:34

don't give a fuck about the earth. That's not nice.

26:36

You know what? Dude, Dunkin used to have I

26:38

used to bury mine so no now I

26:40

ate, which I think gave back to the earth. Right? It used to be a trick around

26:43

going with car trips. You buy a

26:45

medium iced coffee from Dunkin', and then you

26:47

ask for a large styrofoam

26:49

and you put

26:50

it in and it stays on ice.

26:52

Oh, yeah. A whole drive.

26:54

Use more plastic. use

26:57

more Or We have a

26:59

callback, though. We have a few

27:01

calls.

27:01

Two parents saying that the toys are

27:03

shit at McDonald's these days. And also

27:05

Ryan in Virginia figured out what Dan's

27:08

cartoon was. Dude, let it dude

27:10

put him on first. Just a just my

27:12

brains. Sorry. My chair keeps making this

27:14

noise. very rude. No. It's fine, dude. Yo. Hey.

27:16

What up, dude? What up.

27:18

what up Barn yard

27:19

commander -- Yes. --

27:22

hawking. Yes, dude. nailed

27:24

it. That sheep with a blue gun.

27:26

Yeah. Shit. That sounds familiar. Dude,

27:28

can you look Barnyard commando happy

27:30

meal toy up? Dude, that's exact.

27:33

Clinted. I love the show. Hell yeah.

27:35

Later. Thanks, dude. What a perfect call.

27:37

Thanks. I knew my man. God you

27:39

wouldn't leave. fucking nailed it ten out of ten,

27:41

call again. Okay. It looks

27:43

like a good one I can. Yeah.

27:46

Right, Hal. You know what I'm wrong? The guy

27:48

walked in and shook me up. But

27:50

if I can get you sold it all the way

27:52

out, Giovanni, you too,

27:55

sir. Yeah,

27:57

dude. Barnard Commandos I fucking

28:00

remember getting this shit kicked out of me in

28:02

wrestling, and then so excited to go to

28:04

fucking McDonald's to get that. I guess new

28:06

Barnyard command. I wanted to sheep with

28:08

fucking ramble headband. Versus sheep.

28:11

Right there. Got in the

28:14

left. That's so great. I don't know why.

28:16

I just was like, upset. because they wristband. They

28:18

wristbands. Yeah. I think so. I don't know. There

28:20

were some eighty shit. Oh, no. The

28:22

ones

28:22

in the left, go to the left bottom, see

28:25

in the the photos, the second row, all the way to the

28:27

left. No. On the

28:28

bigger screen. Yeah. To the left of

28:30

that one.

28:31

Yeah. That's the one I'm talking Oh.

28:33

No. Oh, you want this guy? Yeah.

28:37

On the

28:37

left. Damn

28:39

do you on your command. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't

28:42

know. I smoked a lot of pot. But anyways, thanks,

28:44

dude. You nailed it. They're not familiar at all. No.

28:46

That's a hundred percent it's

28:48

the it's the sheep with the red rambo headband.

28:50

That was your dude. Dude, dude. That

28:52

was the one I was like, I gotta get that one from

28:54

McDonald's. Christine goat back because I saw it

28:56

with the nuggets. Let's see what it is with

28:58

a cheeseburger. Cheez

29:00

Burger.

29:04

Okay.

29:04

Well, no. No. the happy now. Okay.

29:06

There we go. Wait. It was there. Five hundred and thirty

29:08

nine. Five thirty nine?

29:09

Yes. k. So

29:11

four ten with the nuggets.

29:14

Five

29:14

twenty nine. Yeah.

29:16

Jacob. Again, there That's And you gotta be vitamin

29:18

the fuck up. I mean, you're gonna be taking a

29:20

vitamin up. No. But I'm talking about, like, AIDS

29:23

cocktail. Like, I'm

29:26

talking about like -- I see. -- I'm talking about

29:28

in the band playing on kinda. You know what I

29:30

mean? You're taking a whole rocks glass

29:32

full of pills for three weeks. is

29:34

my total cool organic. Yeah. Is

29:36

one happy meal. And let's

29:38

keep

29:38

in mind I'm gonna have

29:39

all of all the toys. Oh my god.

29:41

You're gonna have a a weird room.

29:43

You did ever wear the

29:45

belts, happy motorbike. Man, dude, did I

29:47

ever tell you about the attention to the baby care with

29:49

the frogs. They're they're nice. They

29:52

don't bite. When Joe was dating my

29:54

mom, he

29:54

had this coworker, his boss. He worked at

29:56

the post office. He was a mailman for a little

29:58

bit. And I loved nothing more

29:59

than Joe would come home like, fucking

30:02

dog almost got me. I loved it. When he

30:04

worked first and was honest, he was

30:06

miserable and it brought me so much

30:08

joy, but he had

30:09

this boss that he was

30:10

like kind of friendly with this old gay

30:13

guy and he was like, you gotta

30:14

come see my house when I decorate it

30:17

for Chris mess. And we went to house in

30:19

Denver. It

30:19

was like this small house. We walked in and he

30:21

had a room of just barbies, and it

30:23

reminded me of smithers on the

30:26

Simpsons. And I started laughing. Dude,

30:28

my mom got so fucking mad

30:30

at me for laughing because I was like, oh,

30:32

yeah. I did

30:34

it. just couldn't keep it and she's like,

30:36

Daniel, like, as long as he's ready to pull me

30:38

out and be like, this is Joe's boss and I

30:40

was like, dude, that's fucking crazy.

30:42

It's a room of barneys. It's

30:45

fucking crazy, but always I can say.

30:47

Yeah, dude. And she was like, fuck

30:49

you. You're that yelling. She's just like, you

30:51

fucking shocking up and shying up when you go in that dude.

30:53

Oh my god. If I would've had a

30:55

sibling, it would've been all forever. Yeah.

30:59

I had to hold it in. Christine,

31:01

did they post the video

31:03

yet on my Instagram? Have

31:06

you

31:06

Me and my dad? Mhmm. Oh, man.

31:08

What a fucking fun video you sent me. Uh-huh. I was on the

31:10

road in Addison. Dan caption this for me. By

31:13

the way, thanks, Addison. You were awesome.

31:15

That what a fun club. Hell, yeah.

31:17

I'll say, like, oh, mcclumbus Anderson does

31:19

rule. Oh, yeah. Dude, you sent me the

31:21

video of you guys. You sent me this, you go. I'm gonna put

31:23

this over a cats in the cradle and all that.

31:25

Okay. Perfect. This my dad doesn't know I

31:27

can't throw him at all. But then

31:29

I really yeah. I mean,

31:31

dude. So far, I

31:33

keep catching the creative. I have a

31:35

cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I love it. You got a DilF sweatshirt.

31:37

Oh, when a sweatshirt just says DilF. I don't even

31:39

know what we're thinking right back.

31:42

It's as great as clearly behind an

31:45

industrial building. Oh,

31:47

dude. I love it. You can go go

31:49

to CJ's profile on Instagram

31:52

Any letterman wrote never took you for

31:54

having a dad trying to die.

31:59

Shit. Dude. Oh, dude.

32:02

Vargazzi. It's been as long as DC and Gary.

32:04

Yeah. Last time I was my dad just told

32:06

wacky stories. I love it, dude. I love it. I

32:08

love it. What's what's crazy oh

32:10

my god. What's crazy about Nate just

32:12

taped his special -- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -- in

32:14

the round running around at the Schlumberger Theatre

32:16

in Phoenix. but he it's

32:18

just funny because Nate's us,

32:20

you know. Like, he's her buddy. Oh, yeah. And then

32:22

just to see him now where he's like,

32:24

come on down to the Nate Varg Etsy

32:26

tour. We're playing this arena, and you're

32:28

like, hell yeah, dude. I

32:30

remember doing junior's last

32:32

laugh in Erie, Pennsylvania with Nate. Oh, yeah. mean,

32:34

I'll actually go ahead and ask him how the special went.

32:36

Yeah. I've been so wrapped

32:37

up in my own bullshit. You got a special coming up

32:39

buddy. Skank fest. Big j comedy dot com.

32:41

Sorry. Skank fest is sold out. but but

32:43

also dates.

32:44

janssen dot com. big janssen dot com.

32:46

You can come see shows. Yeah. You can see shows.

32:48

You can actually see Jay leading

32:50

up to the special? I'm doing yeah. This is my one this is my last weekend

32:52

before the special Madison comedy

32:54

on state. I don't think I've done this material

32:56

there at all. So -- One one

32:59

of the -- I'm gonna run it

33:01

several times, maybe every show. Talk

33:03

and say that, but club of all

33:05

in the country. it's

33:06

great. No. I'm excited. That's the last place. And then I have and then

33:08

I have a week off. And then that's

33:10

always bullying me. Or he's calling clubs on

33:12

my behalf saying, hey. Is it

33:15

cool? Jake comes in and runs, like, sets

33:17

here a bunch, like, on short notice. And I'm like,

33:19

oh, yeah, of course. And I'm like, okay, dude.

33:21

Stop telling me what's coming. I

33:24

love Ari.

33:25

You said, you gotta you gotta find the line for this

33:27

and the like, yeah, he's meticulous with it. Yeah.

33:29

He was great. We're so happy he's doing it,

33:31

man. Like, I he's great.

33:32

Yeah. He makes me feel

33:35

calm

33:35

home because he's just

33:36

he just knows from doing his own stuff

33:38

too. He's like, yeah. Of course, you have to have, like, a person

33:40

who does this. And I'm like, Oh, okay.

33:43

You're right. It does make sense. So we

33:45

do need somebody who does that. I was

33:47

almost good at when I did Edinburgh

33:50

in twenty nineteen when I did the French

33:52

festival, I was almost gonna do,

33:54

like, I got talked into almost

33:56

doing, like, a show, like, one of their

33:58

dope, you know, like, an

33:59

emotional, like, This is

34:01

the story. Like, emotional part

34:03

to it. I was almost like people were trying to talk

34:05

me into it. Like, the lady that was, like, promoting my

34:07

shows was, like, well, you

34:08

have to have an angle. you've got to tell a

34:10

story. So there's got to be some emotion

34:12

behind. Yeah. You see, you're still riding that

34:14

hana gasper wave. You gotta scream at people

34:17

for injustices or comedy. My butthole was

34:19

my butthole. Daddy

34:22

makes your drink. Daddy makes your

34:25

did. Just dang on. There's children.

34:27

There's two pages. There's a

34:30

border. Lord of our That's

34:32

funny to you. Lord of our no.

34:34

What it was was, like, supposed to be

34:36

sad. Alright, guys. Anyway, sadder. The

34:38

other day, I farted and I thought my girlfriend was

34:40

asleep. But it turns

34:42

out, if heard of farthest, it sounds like a duck. I I

34:44

was gonna do like an emotional

34:46

thing, but I wasn't going to.

34:48

Like, but the people around here talking to I talked

34:50

to Ari in

34:52

our exact Danny. Does Ari goes. Daddy, can you see me

34:54

now? Ari was your little boy.

34:56

Your little boy has done good. Looked out

34:58

the ball. Look down the

35:00

bar. I'm sitting

35:02

right here. that's

35:07

either that your son most part of

35:09

your of son of Gary -- Yeah.

35:11

-- because sometimes he goes, I

35:13

think about, like, Maybe I can handle

35:15

one SIP. Right? I'll SIP that leads to another. Then you know

35:18

what it leads me to? Back SIP. Back

35:20

to my two SIPs,

35:22

three SIPs, down

35:24

to a thousand sips. When does

35:26

it end? You know what it is? Can

35:28

I'm trying? I don't know

35:30

if I better than you. It keeps

35:32

ramping up, but I don't have

35:35

another. Sure. Of course. I'll make that

35:37

birthday party. I'll be there. have another.

35:40

Have another. Oh,

35:42

what's that? Have another.

35:44

Have another. Another white mother

35:48

wipe off a fake desk, a desk that's been set up. If

35:50

I can clear it off of reach.

35:55

Sure. Sure. Clear

35:58

at all. How's her

35:59

brother? Well,

36:02

I can't. or there's always another. Where else I'd

36:04

be? You?

36:06

Giant No. Day goes

36:08

by. Not

36:11

that he goes by that I don't miss him. The

36:13

the diners would know what I say if he's

36:15

right now. The diners would know what

36:17

I wouldn't say. to

36:21

hell with

36:22

you. The last

36:24

thing I said to him.

36:27

was you tried your best? Oh,

36:30

dude. Oh, my god.

36:32

Dude, I like the quick snap at it. I don't know how the

36:34

comedy is the best. There

36:36

we go. I know, what is that? What is that the blue wire? The mic you tell would

36:38

have been the green wire. Is

36:40

that that part that

36:41

I really want to use?

36:44

And then my mom came home and saw that I was trying to print

36:46

out -- A big boy. -- a porn picture.

36:48

And I was like, well, he goes, and

36:50

he my mom Alright.

36:52

Where's the last he goes? He's

36:54

been so lucky with that. Driver himself,

36:56

death when I was fourteen years old. Three years

36:58

later, three years later, he'd be in the ground. He'd been

37:01

returned to ash. Dude, who? Who

37:03

knew he was I'd

37:05

always say to him, pop. Why

37:07

don't you slow down? Why don't you slow down? Fourteen or was that supposed to

37:09

have that kind of response? Fourteen years old. The only

37:11

time the only time we

37:13

had it serious The only time we had

37:15

a serious meeting about it was I was just talking to this lady

37:18

that was promoting the show, and she was like, you

37:20

thought about it? No. No. No. No. The one

37:22

meeting we have or she was like, you should make an emotional. I

37:24

was like, Well, I'm gonna do jokes. And she was like, it's

37:26

not gonna win in the awards. This is the

37:28

fringe festival. It's supposed to be the fringe

37:30

of funny, which super

37:32

sad. Yeah. And then Ari was Ari

37:34

just nailed it home when we were walking

37:36

and I told him about the meeting and

37:38

he goes, you have

37:39

an hour of jokes.

37:42

Do those. Yeah. Then I was

37:44

like, yeah. Hell yeah. That's he's

37:46

like, they're and then I found out that that's like a common thing over there. And

37:48

then I got to go watch those shows and I was

37:50

like, holy shit if I were to

37:52

try

37:52

this.

37:54

Oh, so

37:54

I didn't that's why I was not understanding why Scotland is

37:57

you have to do an emotional? Well, they

37:59

just like it.

37:59

They like

38:02

it, because overseas is a stupid place for assholes. You can

38:04

just leave as well enough as it is.

38:06

But do you know how we make fun of the

38:10

French Canadian? Go on. Sorry. But

38:12

you know how we make front of the French,

38:14

the, like, French Canadians or were, like,

38:16

just for laughs. Like, how they do, like, that one? Ma'am

38:18

ma'am, Wow. Both of us. Oh. The thing the thing

38:20

to make fun of, like, British comedians is that

38:22

there's a point where it gets serious where

38:25

it all ties together. Hannah

38:27

got me. That's where she did. She won the French first. Of

38:30

course, she did. It's

38:32

bullshit front to back. Not just

38:34

British. I heard, like, kind of,

38:36

a broad in general, like, they come up you come up with, like, your one

38:38

man show. Yeah. The one man shows. because

38:40

they they try to consistent hour of

38:42

funny things. Yeah. But they, like,

38:44

they They

38:46

just it's like they they work towards a different goal.

38:48

Well, they do it. I think they tour with it, then

38:50

they do a new hour. They definitely were

38:54

like, you'll after my first show, like, I it didn't go that

38:56

great. And I got off stage in that lady who

38:58

told me to be serious. It was like Who just

39:00

did

39:00

stand up? shoot. And I was like Yeah.

39:03

Did an hour stand up with you at

39:05

There's not I thought when you talked about it. I

39:07

was like, I never said I was gonna do

39:09

that. She's like, she didn't notice that. And then I didn't

39:11

really see her much after Yeah. Lilly, with the

39:14

music. I why don't

39:16

you go ahead and touch my

39:18

arm trunk up the whole other one. Hold

39:20

on. You have to have it ready. It has to be the transition. Right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I gotta go

39:22

from it. Right. Go over there.

39:25

like under here. James,

39:28

you did a show of this. I would be there tomorrow.

39:30

Oh, yeah. I would love to Take

39:33

emotional. Do an No. You have to do forty five

39:35

minutes of jokes. Maybe you do this for about

39:38

forty. Two forty, and then you just rip

39:39

it for ten. almost

39:41

just do a segment of it and leave it in

39:44

there on everyone who knows now.

39:45

If you know you know -- Exactly. -- one of

39:47

those who know you know is somewhere. Oh,

39:50

that'd be so great. because my

39:52

mom and

39:52

a stooper one night called

39:54

me by my father's

39:56

name.

39:58

Shouldn't be

39:59

a surprise. she missed

40:02

him. I missed him. You

40:04

know? I must post take on that kind of

40:06

responsibility. You're supposed to be

40:08

taken care I was a

40:10

little boy. Damn. I

40:12

had to be a man that summer

40:14

to take care of her.

40:18

Nice. Guess

40:19

I'm paying the price for original sin all these years

40:21

later. Stop my fault. I

40:23

was born, mom. can't

40:28

kick. I got one.

40:30

Didn't from a joke into it.

40:32

Yeah. There you go. She said that's the last time she's ever gonna let me

40:34

live at home. And I said, mom, don't

40:37

worry about it. It

40:41

was summer, and the smell of chlorine is usually

40:43

supposed to bring

40:44

happy memories.

40:47

for me. It's a high

40:49

school indoor pool on a

40:51

Saturday morning. Dude, still on

40:53

the lawn, crisp, fallout.

40:56

I'm not there to swim.

40:58

I'm not even there to

41:00

take a

41:01

driving class. I'm there to

41:03

watch my father's mortal enemy. strip

41:05

down to

41:05

nothing but a fucking speed

41:08

out. You shouldn't make me

41:09

watch him

41:12

swim, mom. You shouldn't watch me. You shouldn't have to

41:14

watch because of water.

41:16

It's so fast. Water. And

41:19

then I realized that. Dad left

41:21

so fast. The

41:24

roses. All

41:27

the roses. I'm pleased to love you.

41:29

of you to please

41:31

do emotional shows. Just do

41:33

my emotional show. I'll do one. I

41:35

got one ready. Tell anyone just do

41:37

it. Just bust it out. I do. Guess what, Cleveland? You're like guess what,

41:39

Cleveland? You might get earhold

41:42

with sad. Right?

41:44

I just watched you suck

41:46

off a stranger on only fans. You

41:48

can't give me a handjob? Reminds

41:51

me that same

41:53

kind of lonely I felt sitting on

41:55

the stairs waiting for my dad

41:57

to drive by. Headlight. It's him.

41:59

It's

41:59

Colin. Headlight. It's him. It's not.

42:02

On and on. I'm on and like this

42:04

all night. Sitting

42:08

there. With the Hokomaniya

42:10

rules finger in my hand.

42:14

Hokamane didn't rule that night, did it, dad.

42:16

I didn't watch you alone.

42:19

Doesn't matter

42:21

much now.

42:23

hell. I didn't even

42:24

like wrestling all that much. I think I

42:26

was just doing to

42:27

be closer to him.

42:31

anyway Well, anyway, this

42:32

one time he fired Christmas Eve and asked me

42:34

if I saw this duck go under the fence and

42:38

just back into it. right

42:41

back into it. I

42:49

said, Santa, Santa can't do that. His asshole

42:51

isn't that bad. I

42:54

remember the first Christmas. I left

42:56

my mom alone because I had to

42:58

visit my dad. She drank

43:00

by

43:00

the Christmas tree.

43:02

Her neighbor said

43:02

he found her around seven in the

43:05

morning, out

43:06

front. she

43:07

had been fighting with

43:08

my hand on the phone. I

43:11

said that's not how Christmas is

43:13

supposed to be spent. When you're a single mom and you got

43:15

nothing but your boy, which boy

43:18

is God. Dude,

43:21

I let's

43:22

do sad jokes. Okay.

43:24

I get another one. Just black box theater.

43:26

Can we just We're coming we're coming

43:28

for your friends. Can we do, like, one night

43:31

like at the triad and you guys just

43:33

do it. But you can't

43:35

tell people. Oh. No.

43:36

You just

43:37

gotta spring it on them one day. You

43:39

gotta get over. Oh,

43:41

dude. If you could hire an

43:44

actor if you could hire an actor

43:46

that looked like Gary

43:48

to come out and just throw you

43:50

a football. right

43:50

at the end of your cell. Okay.

43:52

Here he comes that, and then you guys do a

43:55

you guys do a scene. He goes

43:58

there? Son. You look over and

44:00

a guy walks out with a spotlight, and he goes,

44:02

catch catch. Catch. I

44:06

guess and I hold it and I look up

44:08

at him. white goes black.

44:10

Yeah. Oh my god. Give

44:12

them a Emmy, give them a trillion.

44:14

Alright. Let me do another one.

44:16

Yeah. Hit it. I said,

44:17

if you think of it as protein instead of gum, you'll get

44:19

it down easier. You know what I

44:22

mean?

44:25

Come. Come.

44:29

Come. Hey. Come. Spend your

44:32

summer in

44:34

Ohio. Well, I have so much fun together he said to me.

44:36

Past my dad, nineteen

44:39

eighty six. He said,

44:41

come up there. My

44:43

stepmother, not used to children. I don't even know

44:46

if she wanted kids at that

44:48

point. She would lock the snacks up in

44:50

a closet.

44:52

With a master padlock to let me see it to know,

44:54

to shame me. Oh, I

44:56

was a heavy set kid for

44:59

sure. but lock next lady, come on.

45:02

Come on.

45:02

I'm trying here.

45:04

I'm just a little boy dealing with

45:06

his father being gone. can't

45:09

even sink my

45:10

sadness into a little Debbie

45:12

nutty

45:14

bun.

45:17

Little Debbie Nutty

45:18

Buddy. Funny.

45:20

I think it

45:20

cost twenty five cents for a single pack.

45:24

Splendor my

45:24

family in the thirty five part.

45:28

Jay, thirty five

45:30

parks. Unlock that cabinet. Yeah. because

45:32

there's just one every award. Thirty five

45:34

parks. That's been my family. Little Debbie.

45:36

Remember little Debbie used to have those motherfucking oatmeal cakes too

45:38

with the cream inside? What the hell is in that cream? Yo.

45:41

That cream's a motherfucker. Is

45:44

that stuff? Is it the same thing

45:46

as stuff? I bet little didn't

45:48

find as hell. Yeah. I'll tell you what for a

45:50

fat boy. Ain't got a fat person's pallet. I

45:52

cannot tell you what's in

45:54

that stuff. Thank you. It's been an evening

45:56

with big Jay Hulkerson. A lot,

45:58

dude, your headshot for that show. It has to

46:00

be you with chains and a padlock

46:02

on it.

46:04

Holding your heart. Or now, like, the thing with the

46:06

fishing rod in my butt crack and it's, like, swinging

46:08

little debbies in front of me and I'm I'm

46:12

reaching out for, like, a little lady. Little

46:15

little snacks. Holy shit, dude. Let's take

46:17

I know we gotta take our first shot. fucking flying.

46:19

Let's take our first break.

46:21

And then let's come back with can I read you when we come back,

46:23

can I read you the post my mom posted

46:25

the other day? Yeah. Ask me to laugh so hard. You can When do

46:27

you wanna talk about this? Oh my gosh. Let's give me

46:30

a shout now. She's amazing. What's why we opened the show? Oh,

46:32

no, it's not. No. We tried the

46:34

idea. Princess Furtado, but she

46:36

pulled all of

46:38

her music. We got a All for non religious music.

46:40

All for yeah. We got a gift in the

46:42

mail that is one of the

46:44

coolest

46:44

gifts we've

46:46

gotten here on the show from Matthew

46:49

Dave Matt Davis. Matt

46:51

Davis sent us mix tapes.

46:53

Bonfire Crackle Palooza mix

46:56

tape. he pressed them on the tape. I'm not gonna read his letter because I don't you know,

46:58

but he fucking it's

47:00

amazing. These things, you don't even read

47:02

his letter. He's like, every time I

47:05

have sex a woman against her will. I feel an immense

47:07

sense of guilt. When I watched your guys'

47:09

laughs get me through that dark time, I

47:11

watched the light leave a child's

47:13

eye. I Jacob's evil laugh. I am a bringer of

47:16

death. Even I need a

47:18

chuckle from time to time. Nay,

47:20

and in tremontive evil.

47:22

Yeah. It's just the

47:24

middle name of the

47:26

devil's hands. I go. I don't wanna read any of

47:28

this fifty page manifest.

47:30

Yeah. It's but they do mention

47:32

this a couple times. James, but they they make a

47:34

reference to a Corey Feldman

47:36

Joe. So but he Matt Davis sent us

47:38

in mix tapes, and they are

47:40

actual cassette tapes. and the

47:42

track list thing is bananas. It's

47:44

a hell of a mix tape. It's and I'm

47:46

gonna read it to you guys. I'll read

47:49

you the the lightbag. It's Air Wolf intro is

47:51

the intro, so the Air Wolf

47:53

theme song, into Princess Vittara,

47:56

into

47:56

into sean fury Sean Fury, in the

47:58

summer rain, in the jet

47:59

tanks, in the in the

48:01

locomotive, Kurt, in

48:04

the Deirdre,

48:06

t Brown, into the browns, into Lisa

48:08

Gail, into butterscotch swirl,

48:10

into Amy, biobie, the

48:13

baby, into bad baby,

48:16

be

48:16

into Gary, close it. Little red

48:19

book.

48:19

Peep do. Corey

48:22

Feldman. That's this

48:24

is a music encapsulation.

48:26

I wanna take a road trip. Did

48:28

this show cool and he did the art? I'm gonna

48:30

listen to us on the way to the cabin. The cover

48:32

art that we'll take a picture of is AI.

48:35

and he typed in the words bonfire,

48:37

dance soda, big j big j

48:39

occurs in weed, bonfire, and

48:41

other key phrases. and it made us.

48:43

I mean, it looks pretty much like us. This is a little awesome.

48:46

So awesome. Yeah.

48:47

So thanks Matt

48:48

Davis. This is fucking Cool.

48:51

I'm gonna find -- Totally fucking cool. -- I'm gonna find a way to play

48:53

a tape. Oh, yeah. because this fucking enables CDO or a tape

48:55

player in my house. usually

48:58

I'm so retro. I'm not super retro. It's kinda just so retro. Yeah. Yeah.

49:00

Alright. We'll grab that. This is awesome.

49:03

Six. I'll use these six. strictly

49:15

point. I need to know the bills that will only come off. One question,

49:17

do you ESSS

49:20

No. ESS

49:23

UESSS Yeah.

49:26

ESS

49:28

He's religious now. Yeah.

49:32

Yeah. turns it all around.

49:35

You've been

49:38

listening

49:38

to SiriusXM's

49:42

Bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday

49:44

through Friday mornings and full shows always on sillier's

49:48

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49:52

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