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So I do TVs run for your

3:19

lives. It's over. They didn't

3:21

put you on this planet just to give up

3:24

Joey just do it. I can fucking rule the world.

3:26

I think you gotta be thinking

3:44

What's

3:45

happened to the Lou Everybody

3:48

you know me dog tip-top Magoo on

3:50

a Monday the last Monday of the

3:53

month It's getting crazy.

3:55

We have like four weeks to the end of the until Christmas. Oh

3:57

this year's had roller skates on it the

3:59

fucking month have been on roller skates. It

4:04

went through chunks, like just chunks,

4:06

like March, like you didn't even

4:08

know March and April,

4:10

next you know you're jumping up and down in May, you're at a Philly

4:12

game and

4:13

next then it's August and you're in North Carolina

4:15

and you can't breathe. Then it's

4:18

October and you're fucking, you know, people

4:20

knocking on your door looking for kicky candy

4:23

or whatever the fuck they are. What's

4:26

going on? Was that a Kit Kat? How

4:28

was your Thanksgiving? I had a great Thanksgiving

4:30

man. I had a, we

4:32

had it at my girlfriend's house with her two kids

4:35

and that was a lot of fun.

4:37

She didn't, she was getting ready and then we all went to

4:39

my aunt's house and the kids met the

4:42

rest of my family and it was pretty cool.

4:49

For the most part, it was

4:51

in daytime at home, there were some, it's

4:54

funny how like, I'm not a parent

4:56

by any stretch of the means, but I'm sort

4:59

of in that world right now and like they just,

5:01

they

5:01

were great

5:02

all week and they were great on Thanksgiving, but

5:05

there was like a minute in the morning where like for

5:08

out of the blue, they just like decided to cause shit

5:10

and it's like it's Thanksgiving

5:12

morning, you're going to do this. I

5:14

actually had that written down. I was, I had

5:17

it like, how

5:19

are holidays different for you as like a

5:21

parent? Like, because thanks,

5:24

you want me to say something? They mean something now.

5:27

Listen, after you're fucking 18, 19, you

5:30

have no family. Your

5:32

holidays are like fucking nomads,

5:34

you know? Somebody invites you

5:37

over like on the 19th day, you come, you got anywhere

5:39

to go Christmas Eve? Nah, come over.

5:41

Now you got to hustle up and shop,

5:43

live gifts for the family or whatever. If

5:45

you're going to give out handshakes or whatever, you know, it's

5:48

always been something like that ever since I

5:50

had the child. It's,

5:53

you know, now you get, now you

5:55

get why you do the things you do. You

5:58

understand it more. I'm leaving

6:00

Santa no more, so that's good. But

6:02

her friends will do. So listen,

6:04

she ain't got to rat them out. She's pretty cool

6:06

with it. She figured it out. Like anybody,

6:09

any other kid figures it out. They

6:12

figure it out after a while. You open

6:14

up a closet, a fucking hot

6:16

wheel track hits you in the head. You

6:18

open it up on Christmas day, it's supposed to

6:21

be for your cousin. Now what happened?

6:23

There was a mix up here. So eventually

6:26

kids aren't that fucking stupid and they figure it

6:28

the fuck out.

6:29

Amazon's a dick. Like Amazon

6:32

will just leave stuff out. It happens

6:34

all the time. I had a friend, it just happened to the other day.

6:36

Somebody stole it?

6:38

No, no, they didn't steal it, but they have like kids stuff

6:40

getting delivered and it's not put in

6:42

a box for some random reason. Just

6:44

leave it right outside. Yeah,

6:47

like the kids live. What's that for?

6:49

Oh, it's for the little blind kid down the corner.

6:51

You don't know what the fuck

6:53

to tell him. So you're

6:56

happy when the charade is over. It's

6:59

a sad day because they

7:01

bought it. Right. And the five

7:03

is six. And then they kind

7:05

of know, you ask them what do you want? You

7:08

make a list, you know, come

7:10

on.

7:11

So interesting. Mercy's

7:13

a little older, but like they also have

7:15

phones. So like they Google it now. They

7:18

can ask Siri. Like

7:21

they're like, you're kind of screwed.

7:23

You're kind of screwed. No, I got a lot of Siri in this

7:25

fucking house. So you're an ad. Yes you

7:27

do. You don't. What do you

7:30

mean you don't? I live by the fucking

7:32

book. I take the phones out of the room with where

7:34

I talk now. That's why sometimes

7:36

I don't even get your calls because

7:38

I charge phones in a room where I'm not

7:40

at no more. No more chit chat

7:43

in front of the fucking phones. You know what I'm saying?

7:45

I put it on the fucking motherfucker at night.

7:48

Even TVs have microphones now.

7:50

Everything, everything, everything.

7:53

It's a fucking nightmare. And

7:55

these guys that go home and bang out fucking

7:58

masturbation online. You

8:00

sit there. They got your face. They're just saving it. They'll

8:03

sell that to Scientology. Next thing you know,

8:06

you're fucking in a band with Travolta

8:08

singing Christmas songs and Scientology

8:11

for a bunch of fucking people. So nah,

8:13

that's why I don't like them. None of that perverted stuff.

8:17

None of that. There's a situation going on here

8:20

close to home about a place

8:22

and they had some problems. And

8:26

a lot of people I know went in there and you know,

8:30

now you got to wait to see who knocks on your fucking

8:32

door. And

8:35

that's why it's better if you know they got it's

8:37

a different world today. Cameras have changed,

8:40

especially if you lived when there weren't no

8:42

cameras. You know, like

8:45

you still take things for granted. Every movement

8:47

you make, you know, from

8:50

the time you leave your fucking garage in the morning,

8:53

you got to assume every movement you

8:55

make is that's why I

8:57

don't understand how they like

9:00

years from now, they probably have

9:02

them already a satellite that's up there. And

9:06

when they have a cop chase, it's taping all

9:08

day. And when they have

9:10

a murder occurs or something, all they got to do is go

9:12

to the satellite and there you are running

9:15

out of the house with fucking, you know, a

9:17

bag of shit you stole and

9:19

a bloody knife. They got you.

9:22

They got you there. And then like, what about like

9:24

Ring? Like, I think Ring

9:26

owns all that footage. I

9:29

get like a thing about all the good video doorbells.

9:31

Now they have cameras. They had

9:34

us put cameras in

9:36

the suburbs and like I guess everywhere, but

9:38

it's just pretty crazy. Like they could have access. The

9:40

government could get access to that if they wanted to.

9:42

So in my hometown where I grew

9:45

up in North Bergen, you can't piss

9:47

on the street. If a

9:49

cop will be there in eight minutes, you

9:52

literally a cop will be there in eight

9:54

minutes. You know, this town where

9:57

I live, they have cameras everywhere. They

10:00

have cameras, it's a big kid town. There's

10:03

chalkboard fields everywhere, there's parks

10:05

everywhere, you know? I got cameras

10:07

everywhere. And I feel better, you know,

10:09

because you can't have no fucking guys

10:12

walking around with a rainy jacket with a long jacket

10:15

giving out candy down here. They get

10:17

spotted right away, but you know, it

10:20

sucks for other reasons. Let's

10:22

say you want to take your girlfriend to the park and throw

10:25

her a little salami sandwich. You

10:27

know, there's a camera now, you know? If

10:29

you want to smoke a number, there's a camera

10:31

now. So

10:34

there's a lot of, there's

10:36

a lot of negative, you know, New York City is one big

10:38

camera. Oh

10:40

yeah, absolutely. New York is crazy. New

10:42

York City, it's one big camera. You

10:45

got to assume you're getting taped from eight

10:47

different fucking locations, especially

10:50

going into this holiday

10:52

season now with the tree and

10:54

all the tourists that fly back here and shit like

10:57

that. It's surreal.

11:01

It's surreal. And they've

11:04

like, I don't

11:05

do a lot of conspiracy theories, but

11:07

like they're doing it in China right now. They have

11:09

like cameras and they like, that's how you pay

11:12

for things. That's how you get into buildings is

11:14

they scan your face. And it's not

11:16

even just like a hidden camera. It's like right in your face.

11:18

And they have like the

11:21

social credit score based on like

11:22

how you behave,

11:24

lets you do certain things. And it's all

11:26

like facial wear. They have, they're

11:29

building cities. It's crazy.

11:31

I'm telling you, it's gonna, Vegas is gonna be

11:33

soon like that. All the money there, you

11:35

know, I know for years, I won't even, I

11:38

told you before, I won't bang one out in the room in

11:40

Vegas. They got cameras.

11:42

I ain't bringing nobody up there that fucking weird.

11:44

They got cameras. You got to

11:46

assume, you know, you have to assume now.

11:49

Do you,

11:50

I don't know what it is about me. I can't,

11:53

if you're staying at a nice place, I

11:56

can't think that they're

11:58

doing bad things in hotel room. Like do

12:01

you do you or like do stuff like that? Like like not

12:03

have the comforter down? That's

12:05

like they say they don't watch that shit and like

12:07

you're saying they have cameras in the rooms Do

12:10

you think they do that a lot? Well,

12:12

they don't listen man. They're gonna cut corners,

12:14

especially now You go into a room

12:16

during covert you better check everything There's

12:19

an ashtray under your bed with crack in it in the

12:21

pipe You know, they don't have

12:23

look what's going on in Vegas. Didn't have didn't

12:25

have a maid prom in Vegas There's

12:28

like a main union that yeah,

12:31

they want to strike I think

12:32

so you have to assume again

12:35

That whatever hotel you're going into after

12:37

Kobe listen any hotel you go

12:39

into now Doesn't have the same

12:41

amenities that had Before

12:43

Kobe when you go on the website They're

12:47

still on there There

12:49

you go. Where's the bar? They're like

12:51

we haven't had a bar since after

12:53

COVID Where's

12:56

the restaurant that used to be in here, you know,

12:58

when you go on the road those little they're

13:00

not how they end There's another chain. You

13:02

got those little restaurants in there. The food's not

13:04

great But they do they do make some

13:07

eggs sunny side up for breakfast It's

13:09

not like powdered eggs and you know the wheat

13:11

toast So I used to always get the breakfast

13:13

there lunch is not you

13:15

know, it's like a roast beef sandwich They

13:18

have like cream of onion soup or something not

13:20

for me But all those places

13:22

somebody was telling me that done

13:25

Yeah, they don't have any of those

13:27

things and then I mean and I never did

13:29

I never liked people coming into my hotel room, but

13:31

most places if you're there for less than I think it's like

13:34

four or five days They don't

13:36

clean your room unless you ask for it. I

13:38

Went when I drove to Nashville this

13:40

year on the way back We

13:42

stopped in Pennsylvania one night and

13:44

we could not find the hotel room We

13:47

were like four hours away we could not find

13:49

the hotel room we had already been in

13:51

the car 11 hours And

13:53

we couldn't we just wiped on the way there.

13:55

It's easier than way back Right.

13:58

Yeah on the hotel And

14:00

it was packed. As soon as you

14:02

went in, this place stunk. My

14:05

wife came out and she goes, listen, it's the only hotel

14:07

room in town, and they don't have an

14:10

elevator. Well, I got a third floor. It

14:14

was like walking two football fields

14:16

over there. As soon as you walked in the room,

14:18

it smelled like you walked into the plaza in Vegas.

14:21

Cigarettes, you know. The

14:23

next year in my life goes, I'm going down to

14:26

get breakfast. I wouldn't. She's

14:30

like, no, let's go have the coffee. She went and

14:32

got the coffee. She threw everything

14:34

out when she got to the room. It was just

14:37

everything was unedible. But

14:39

the hotel we stayed on in Tennessee, I

14:42

would move into that place. Oh,

14:45

yeah, what did they have? It was just

14:47

a great hotel, Holiday Inn Express, owned

14:50

by Southern Women. Fucking, they

14:52

had a great breakfast. They had a great

14:55

dinner spread at night. I mean, listen,

14:57

you're not going to find stuff pork chopping whatsoever.

15:00

You know, it's in Tennessee. But

15:03

they tried.

15:04

But the breakfast was surreal. Every

15:06

morning, the breakfast was on point. And

15:09

there was a couple of breakfast spots. And I kept

15:11

saying, let's just stay here. Because I

15:13

hate leaving. You know, from over the years

15:16

of comedy, you got to leave some hotels to get

15:18

what? Fucking potato chips and the soda.

15:21

When I started comedy, there wasn't no shit

15:23

like there is now, Lee, where you

15:25

go to a hotel room and you're like, you

15:28

know, let me go

15:30

upstairs and get ham and eggs and shit.

15:32

That was dick. Nobody gave you a free fucking

15:35

breakfast. Nobody.

15:38

And I've got tons of stories. We got to wake up in

15:40

the morning. They got free coffee. But

15:42

you're a comic. You wake up at 11. The coffee is

15:44

like fucking shoe leather. And

15:46

now you have to leave the hotel to go get

15:48

something to eat. And that's a nightmare

15:51

in itself, especially if you don't have a car,

15:53

especially if you drove with the headliner or you took

15:56

a bus up there or something

15:58

to that effect.

16:00

And what if you did because I think about

16:02

that a lot is Well

16:04

you do you like you wait if you're if

16:07

you are like surviving

16:09

on comedy money at like $100 a show You

16:13

probably can't eat out that much like you couldn't order

16:15

delivery like you could but like if you're

16:17

making a 50 a hundred bucks a show

16:20

How are you supposed to eat out for a week or you

16:22

know 7-eleven and they got frozen pizzas

16:25

and TV dinners or frozen chickens? Yeah,

16:28

that's the life of a comedian TV

16:30

is those burritos Two

16:33

of those motherfuckers with a coke and

16:35

a bag of Cheetos chili It

16:39

ain't healthy, but you

16:42

wait right really

16:46

Hard to think the shit I ate when

16:48

I was flat broke Just to maintain

16:51

just to do comedy and I knew it was

16:53

bad for me, but I didn't give a fuck You

16:56

know those frozen burritos Listen

16:58

you take those frozen burritos back to your room You

17:01

just don't eat them out of the baggy you

17:03

put some fucking paste to cut my contact

17:05

on there a little bit of cheese Maybe

17:07

some jalapenos you dope them up a little bit

17:10

and they're not that bad in the hotel room when you were

17:12

you know When you have 20 bucks

17:14

left and one joint and you know,

17:17

you got to drive two hours That

17:20

shit all you know you you figure

17:23

out you balance out what's important

17:25

and it's so weird And

17:27

then when you do get a good meal, you appreciate

17:30

it so fucking much on the road Like

17:32

there's a guy I'll never forget because the opening

17:35

night Thursday night after

17:37

the show. He'd always take the comedians only

17:39

to dinner All

17:41

right. Nice the place where he was taking

17:43

you was already closed Wow,

17:47

you had the restaurant to yourself the they

17:50

knew about it the family it was up in Milwaukee

17:53

And that you know you I thought about it years later First

17:57

off he he took it to a restaurant

19:51

I

20:01

had a cool week because I was

20:05

just kind of nervous about it. I think I told you

20:07

I didn't really do well in front of bookers before.

20:10

And I decided

20:12

to release a clip and I was really nervous

20:14

about it. And so

20:16

I didn't want to do most of those jokes at these

20:19

shows with the bookers because I was... You know,

20:22

people came out and I didn't want them to think if

20:24

I have 10 minutes they've seen 7 of it already.

20:28

And so I did like completely different sets than

20:30

I normally do. And

20:33

they both went great. And so I'm going

20:35

to hopefully get to do more shows with

20:37

each group. Well,

20:39

congratulations. As

20:42

far as the fucking booker is concerned...

20:45

Listen, man, you're going to go up in front of a lot of bookers

20:48

in your day. You

20:50

know, every club has a fucking booker. And then when

20:52

you get to a certain level, you

20:54

got bookers from TV shows. And comedy

20:57

companies and all these people coming to watch

20:59

it. And I

21:02

think the biggest showcase I ever had was at

21:04

the 9-year mark, which was

21:06

Mitzi Shore.

21:08

Yeah, holy shit.

21:09

And, you know,

21:12

it's like anything else, man. When

21:14

you're there, you see the

21:16

work you put in. You know

21:18

what I'm saying? So at that time...

21:22

Remember, I used to tell you that I used to call clubs.

21:24

I was just a fucking salesman and

21:26

I'd go listen. I'd like to come to your

21:28

club and do a guest set. This is who

21:31

referred me. But if

21:33

I go there on Saturday night, I want to make sure

21:35

on Sunday night I want to make sure

21:37

the booker's going to be there. Oh, he'll be here.

21:40

So all those years of having the booker there

21:43

prepared me for that.

21:44

I'm

21:47

sure you've told it a couple

21:49

of times, but I honestly just don't remember

21:51

and I'd love to hear it. Can you

21:54

quickly tell your showcasing

21:56

for Mitzi Shore?

21:59

I don't even fucking remember it

22:01

anymore. It

22:05

was, you know, at

22:07

that time, I had already done like the year

22:09

before, the year before that I had done the Seattle

22:11

comedy competition.

22:13

Okay.

22:14

So five nights in a row, you got to go

22:16

up seven nights the first week, you're

22:19

going up in front of judges, you know. And

22:22

then the second week again, it's seven, you know,

22:25

so that at the end of the fucking month,

22:27

you go up in front of 30 fucking judges. And

22:31

there's other bookers there, you know, from

22:33

the area, Seattle area, there's

22:35

other bookers from comedy

22:38

club chains,

22:39

you know,

22:40

and you're going up in

22:42

front of them. Me, I prefer when

22:45

you come up to me after my set and

22:47

go, hey, I work for the Funny Bones.

22:50

I booked six clubs. I just saw you

22:53

destroyed. I like to get your info.

22:56

I hate if you come up to me before that, you

22:59

know, but naturally when you do

23:01

those things, you have to

23:03

assume there's people there in the audience. You

23:06

know, I just spoke to

23:08

a writer last week, or I'm going to work

23:10

with for the book, you know, to

23:13

expand it. And

23:16

when he wrote back, did I send you a copy of the letter?

23:18

No. He sent me like a letter saying,

23:21

this is why I think I should work with you. And

23:24

part of that letter was him coming to the comedy

23:26

store for like two or

23:28

three years to watch comedy on

23:30

Tuesday nights.

23:31

Wow.

23:33

And he said how he watched me grow, blah,

23:35

blah, blah, blah, blah. But we already had

23:37

a relationship by me, by

23:39

him coming. Did I know he was

23:41

already ever in the audience? Did

23:44

I know that high powered writers like that

23:47

were in the audience at the comedy store? No, I

23:49

would have shipped my pants. Somebody

23:52

would have came up to me and said, you're going

23:54

up in front of six writers from CBS

23:57

or NBC. So

24:00

Do you see what happens? Like you don't even know. And

24:02

you have a good set. That's why people always tell

24:05

you just to be yourself. That,

24:08

and it sounds so cliche and

24:11

so cornball-y, but

24:13

it's fucking true. You

24:16

know, if you see that Booker in the room, don't

24:18

act up like you, act

24:21

like you usually act. Go

24:23

up to the girl, give her a kiss, say what's going

24:25

on here. And then my bitch is called, he's

24:28

watching everything. You have to assume they're watching

24:31

every move from the minute you walk

24:33

in that showroom to check in, you

24:35

know, whatever, who's talking to your manager.

24:39

And then you go up there and you deliver the fucking goods.

24:42

But the most important thing is to be yourself. Like

24:45

I've seen great comics showcased

24:47

with great things. They

24:50

had a set that that person came

24:52

to see, right? That

24:54

person came to you and said, last

24:56

Thursday night, I saw you

24:58

at the improv and you were fantastic

25:00

or the laugh factory. You

25:02

think you could do that next Thursday night? I'm gonna bring

25:05

everybody from the Tonight Show app to

25:07

see you.

25:10

You know what?

25:11

Like a guy like me, an idiot like me, would

25:14

show up with a whole different 10 minutes.

25:18

I knew that's what you were gonna say. Oh my God,

25:20

really? Yeah, an idiot like me

25:23

would show up with new 10 minutes to

25:26

show you that I'm talking Johnny extraordinaire. It

25:28

all depended on what part of my career you

25:30

caught me at. Right

25:33

now, I know that if you saw me on a Thursday

25:36

last week, I'm gonna go on a piece

25:38

of paper somewhere where I wrote like a couple

25:41

anchors. I didn't write

25:43

my set out, I wrote a couple of anchors just

25:45

to move them around. I'm at the comedy store, I'm at

25:48

the improv, you know? And

25:50

that's what I'm gonna do. But

25:53

somebody like me, the old me, would

25:55

have gone with a whole new 10

25:57

minutes.

25:59

Fuck.

26:00

See like that I Just

26:03

hearing that request all I could think about

26:05

was do I have to do a word-for-word? What

26:07

if I had a good interaction with somebody at the improv

26:10

but then this we're gonna have that interaction and now

26:12

it looks like I bombed

26:14

Now just just go oh my

26:17

god I don't work it around the same

26:19

material and if you see an opening

26:21

take the opening if not stick

26:23

to your material This is NBC.

26:26

This is tonight show or this is

26:28

an HBO special. This is Jimmy Kimmel

26:31

This is anybody, you know at

26:34

the end of the day. It's all the same shit It's

26:37

how you control your nerves that you're breathing

26:40

you know

26:41

What I always like to do is try to hit

26:44

them hard-heavy so you got the confidence

26:46

going If you go out

26:48

there with a dragged out long one-minute joke

26:51

You don't really know where you stand you come

26:53

out fuck and take the swings You

26:56

either gonna die or you're gonna come out extra

26:58

hype and then you just sailing from there.

27:01

It's only 10 minutes I'm trying

27:03

to do 35 minutes in 10 minutes.

27:06

I don't want you to breathe. I'm gonna keep Like

27:11

like one of those rock em sock em fucking robot

27:13

so So I'd rather

27:16

give you that advice than the mitzi short thing.

27:18

I bet

27:19

okay. I love that I know We

27:22

didn't know if you want to go back there, but

27:24

we didn't even talk about your Thanksgiving. How was your Thanksgiving?

27:27

my

27:27

Thanksgiving was very kum-si-kum-sa

27:31

you know saying I Woke

27:34

up nice and early. I fucking worked

27:37

out. I went to work with my buddy. We did

27:39

a nice 45-minute workout I

27:42

came home. I put some ice on my ankle, you

27:44

know and Then about I

27:46

watched there was a honeymoon a fucking

27:50

afternoon like a couple episodes like from

27:52

marathon a Marathon from 11 to 3

27:55

nice 3 we went over

27:57

there and with the plumbers. Thank goddamn

27:59

violence

28:01

You know that she's a great fucking cook Jody.

28:03

Yeah She put together

28:05

a fucking turkey. She made my

28:07

favorite because she knows I like stovetop

28:10

topping I don't want to eat. No, you're fucking

28:12

international stuffing with roots

28:15

and beets I don't want to taste it the

28:17

pilgrims didn't have any of that. They had stovetop.

28:20

All right, so She

28:22

made fucking like

28:23

waffles out of stovetop. Ooh

28:26

She put them in the waffle machine

28:29

Fucking genius you put the white meat

28:31

on top of that you throw a hand scoop

28:33

of mashed potatoes on top of that and Some

28:36

a little bit of cranberry sauce and some Maluki

28:38

gravy I

28:42

had one of them. I was done

28:44

with like all crispy.

28:46

Yes the stuffing that sounds really fucking

28:48

good I don't you she hit it out of the fucking party.

28:50

Jody poon The gravy

28:52

melted through the layers I

28:55

don't even like gravy.

28:57

No mean

28:58

What's that? I don't like it either. Yeah,

29:01

but you gotta throw the gravy on there Throw

29:04

the gravy on there. It was perfect. And then We

29:07

watched the first game. I forgot who the fuck

29:09

it was And then we went to the

29:12

murdos around the corner for the late

29:14

night fucking a parrot teeth And

29:17

they busted out desserts. They had like Maybe

29:20

they had more fucking desserts than What's

29:22

that ice cream store that has all the flavors?

29:25

Master problems they got 200 flavors.

29:28

They beat them that night. They had everything moose

29:31

moose fucking jello obstacles

29:34

they had everything fucking

29:36

Ben and Jerry's This that

29:39

briars a couple A

29:42

couple of apple pies. I tell you what I didn't eat

29:44

this year.

29:45

What's that pumpkin pie?

29:48

What made you stay away from it? I

29:50

didn't I I forgot all about

29:52

it. It was there and I always said i'll get back

29:54

to it later

29:56

I I've never liked any pie.

29:58

I I like You know, I like

30:00

pecan pie. That's pretty good. I have recently

30:03

had They had an

30:05

Oreo cake at my

30:07

aunt's house. Did you tell that I

30:09

did have a piece of it?

30:11

All right

30:12

So you enjoy it?

30:15

It was it was really but what did you have

30:17

instead of pumpkin pie I

30:19

Probably broke down at the murdo's

30:22

cuz the edibles kicked in and I had a fucking

30:26

an apple crumb pie

30:28

I do like

30:30

I do like apple crisp. So that sounds like that

30:32

was shit. They're cousins Apple

30:35

crisp apple pumpkin whatever the fuck they're

30:37

all cousins with a scoop of briars

30:39

vanilla ice cream old-school with

30:42

the little chocolate fucking Spots

30:45

in it, you know, you've got something

30:49

What's up

30:50

with the little spots in it? Okay,

30:53

vanilla bean spots in it. Nice.

30:56

It's brilliant. I haven't added in 20 years,

30:59

but when I saw it, I said I gotta attack this and

31:01

it's fucking brilliant That

31:04

was your way that was the only dessert I

31:06

ate

31:08

You said something last week that I was

31:10

thinking about this week and you

31:12

were talking about like people Messing up

31:15

mashed potatoes and I was thinking about

31:17

that you and Terry had a story that

31:19

didn't you like stopping friends? Completely

31:21

with someone I got mad at her. I

31:23

got Free

31:25

I didn't talk to her for about seven months because

31:28

of the mashed potatoes Listen,

31:31

man. There's some things I eat Once

31:33

you've had great mashed potatoes, it's

31:36

tough to go back to shitty mashed potatoes

31:38

Especially when you're a fat fuck like a we are

31:41

okay. There's something about the essence

31:43

of mashed potatoes ish Especially

31:46

won't make their whips. Yes mashed

31:49

potatoes if you eat mashed potatoes

31:51

and you're trying to be healthy Go shoot

31:53

yourself right now Nobody eats mashed

31:56

potatoes who wants to be fucking healthy.

31:58

It's a special goddamn

32:00

So do me a favor when we have it throw

32:02

down Don't be shy with that

32:05

Irish butter. You know I'm saying don't be

32:07

shy with that pepper Throw some red

32:09

onions in that bitch. You ever have fucking no

32:12

you ever have Mac

32:14

potatoes with the peels and

32:16

red onions in that motherfucker Lee. I've never

32:18

had red onions in it a quilter not cooked.

32:20

I Mean

32:23

they heat it up with the potatoes. So okay.

32:25

So like it's like saute a little bit Fucking

32:28

used to make them in Boulder, Colorado and make me

32:30

lose my mind. I would eat them

32:32

Just that's the only mashed potato. I would

32:35

just eat the mashed potato and Cubans

32:38

make something that's very good. I never had it

32:40

again after my mother died. It's

32:42

called Malanga

32:44

What is that?

32:45

Ma la and ga

32:47

it's like a fucking potato It's

32:49

long, but it's brown It's

32:52

it's wild, but it's fucking delicious

32:56

with butter Salt and pepper,

32:58

you know, oh fucking delicious

33:01

and that's what I love I like potatoes

33:03

and I like Whatever the fuck

33:06

I told you I forget the Malanga Malanga.

33:09

So but what did your friend do that made you so

33:11

upset?

33:13

The friend that invited me over on the on

33:15

this most sacred day and mashed potatoes

33:19

Listen, you want to fuck mashed potatoes up in

33:21

July. I ain't gonna get mad at you Okay,

33:24

you fuck them up in September I ain't gonna get

33:26

mad at you but on the national

33:29

day of potatoes, which is Thanksgiving You

33:32

better come correct. You got to show up with both guns

33:34

and one in your fucking ankle Okay,

33:37

especially when it comes to mash fucking potatoes

33:40

so I

33:43

Went over there and they were like fucking out of

33:45

potatoes The whole dinner

33:48

was ass. It was fucking Prowcher

33:50

Duncan a turkey with a duck in

33:53

it. I don't want that If

33:55

you want to do that make two fucking turkeys

33:58

give us an option. Why are you feeding me? Because

34:00

you think it's good. I don't think it's good. Everything

34:03

was nasty But nothing insulted

34:05

me more was the mashed potatoes.

34:08

I took it to heart I took it to heart that I went

34:10

home and just passed out angry and My

34:13

wife woke me up at 2 o'clock in the morning. She

34:15

made me a Thanksgiving dinner because

34:17

she knew how important You

34:21

get up all year you pay taxes You

34:24

do the best you can the least

34:26

a man could ask for is mashed

34:28

potatoes on fucking Thanksgiving

34:31

Yeah, but to do it at like 2 in

34:33

the morning Is that what is that

34:35

when you were you married yet at that point?

34:41

No, we were getting close though,

34:43

I was gonna say That I

34:45

was like I was fucking upset me

34:48

Like I know yeah, I don't fuck you

34:50

gonna fuck up mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving

34:54

They were and when I'm not exaggerating they

34:56

weren't even in the ballpark Lee She

34:58

got him out of a box like those box

35:00

was that right there. I got us.

35:03

I gotta put John

35:04

I got an 86 you for 90 day mandatory

35:09

What is that 86 entail can like no communication

35:12

nothing I don't want to know nothing I'm

35:14

not even gonna tell you why you fucked up. I'm not

35:17

gonna say nothing to you I'm

35:19

just I'm not picking up the fucking phone. Don't

35:21

call me no more for 90 days I

35:25

Don't call back

35:27

They don't Fuck

35:34

the half 180 days I put

35:36

her in a real pain on my list How

35:38

insulted I was about the fucking mashed

35:40

potatoes? But

35:42

why don't you tell people like what their sentences?

35:46

Then I don't know what their sentences. It's

35:49

their sentences. I don't know. I don't

35:51

know How I feel in the morning after

35:53

you try to fucking poison me on

35:56

things, you know Like

35:58

you're not gonna sit there and tell me didn't

36:00

have the right here. If this is another

36:02

country I can press charges for

36:05

making that my potatoes on Thanksgiving.

36:07

Thank God I'm not a fucking crime stopper.

36:10

I have no problem with you. I just I

36:12

just think it's funny to think about like just you just

36:15

you went to Thanksgiving and then didn't call her

36:17

for 10 months or answer her calls. It

36:19

was November 20 whatever and I didn't talk

36:21

to her like April or May.

36:24

She finally called me one day she's like what's your problem?

36:26

You won't pick up your phone. I said something

36:28

like the first time I go fucking

36:30

want to make mashed potatoes. I just hung up

36:33

on it. And

36:35

then she called the friend she goes what is he talking

36:38

about?

36:39

Oh

36:43

my God.

36:44

You know, you try to poison me with man but

36:46

you didn't listen by giving me the

36:48

poison you it broke

36:50

me down emotionally and fucking

36:53

spiritually and physically because

36:56

I trust you she's

36:58

not sure first off. I know her very well.

37:01

She always throws down a great meal. You

37:03

know, I know from Texas. I

37:05

was friends with her back in Houston. But

37:08

I think a boyfriend and he was a half

37:10

a fucking you know, he had light shoes

37:13

like Post Malone. You know, I

37:17

didn't say I didn't like Post Malone. I just said he

37:19

always tips toe like a burglar. He

37:22

walks real light like you know, okay,

37:25

a burglar a couple other things. He's just lighting

37:28

the shoes. You know what I'm saying?

37:30

I understand. So the associated boyfriend like that.

37:33

Right away. You got to put words in my mouth. And then the

37:35

next day the paparazzi picks it up. Uncle

37:38

Joy don't like Post Malone. I like Post Malone

37:40

music. I was into him a couple days ago.

37:42

I mean, I'm not gonna, you know, not put

37:45

them on over Led Zeppelin. But if I'm still

37:47

there, and I'm smoking a couple fucking

37:49

numbers, is that enough bro to Post Malone? No,

37:54

I didn't picture you as a huge Post Malone fan.

37:56

No, I didn't say that I said what when I

37:58

say when I blow the nickel. Those people come

38:01

along and jump up and down a lot

38:03

of other people that are tight fucking the life

38:08

No Just

38:15

cuz I like me music don't mean I want to hang out

38:17

with you and fucking jump up and down

38:20

You know Is there any

38:22

concept that you go to right now? Is it like it

38:25

was there any like cuz I can't imagine you going anywhere

38:29

If I go to a concert first of all right

38:31

now, not today, but it

38:33

has to be a small venue anymore I'm

38:37

old school. I rather go to those American Express

38:39

concerts Where you get

38:41

the small venue and you know, I

38:44

didn't do I didn't go see Chris Cornell here

38:46

in the city or anything when I lived

38:48

in LA I got to see Guns N' Roses with

38:50

Dean and Bill Burr

38:52

at the fucking Palladium and that's like, you know 2,000 seats

38:57

It's a little bit more personal, you know But

39:01

these big forum things. I don't want to get

39:03

tickets. I got to walk two miles You

39:06

look at my weight watch as I walk 22,000 steps

39:08

out. I don't need that to hear

39:11

the same music I've been listening to

39:13

for 40 fucking years Would

39:16

you pay more to go to a smaller

39:19

venue? Absolutely

39:21

Interesting.

39:22

It's really interesting. You said that to me It's

39:25

talking to a music guy today

39:28

and we were talking about Pink Floyd, okay

39:32

And he was saying that Where

39:35

they messed up with music years ago

39:38

because they didn't know was

39:40

that they should have taped all their concerts

39:43

People really should have really taped

39:46

high quality All

39:48

their concerts it would have taken a big chunk

39:50

out of their income. But what they didn't

39:52

know that today You

39:55

could sell that experience. I

39:57

could get you into a hotel and That's

40:00

what he was saying. He goes, think of what people pay for

40:02

the soup bowl experience. It's

40:05

an experience. He goes, I

40:08

don't know what it comes to tell light today, but

40:10

from listening to, I mean, I'm older than this guy.

40:13

And we were talking, he goes, my dad used to

40:15

tell me these fucking

40:18

stories. And yeah, and I go, they're

40:20

all true. All those Led

40:23

Zeppelin shows in the city, Rolling

40:25

Stone Poors, they were all fucking insane.

40:28

You know, but he was like, you

40:31

could sell, like right now, if they would have shot Pink

40:33

Floyd, the war, and

40:36

really taped it well. You

40:39

could have took a theater broken in half. And

40:41

he goes, you could sell those seats for $15,000. And

40:45

people will pay it because

40:48

it's an experience. Now you gotta

40:50

play it back with the modern speakers

40:53

and the new technology. You have to edit it

40:55

and clean it up well, digitally

40:58

remastered.

41:00

But- I'm sure they're all doing it now.

41:03

They have to. I'm sure that, you

41:05

know, it's

41:08

an experience. It's a festival.

41:11

It's something that I get connected with my kid with.

41:15

So if they asked me for 15 grand, I don't

41:17

know. I don't know if I got the 15 grand

41:19

for that, but it's

41:22

a thought. But

41:24

if my daughter likes Led Zeppelin, and

41:28

I had gone to see Led Zeppelin, I wasn't that

41:30

fortunate, I could take my daughter

41:32

to go see that same concert. That's

41:35

mind blowing. Or a fucking

41:38

baseball game. Yeah,

41:40

oh my God, yeah. Baseball game

41:42

that I went to where, you know, who

41:44

cares? Name of Boston Red Sox.

41:46

He hit a two home runs that game. And

41:48

you happen to get $8 tickets, and

41:51

the people next to you bought you beers all

41:53

afternoon. And they were nice. They were

41:55

from fucking Woodford, and you were

41:57

from Medford, and everybody talked

41:59

about- And

42:02

it was a fucking experience.

42:05

For people to see that, they would shit

42:07

their pants. What it

42:10

was like when

42:12

you went to a baseball game and some

42:14

motherfucker snuck in a bucket of Kentucky Fried

42:16

Chicken and that whole two sections

42:19

was eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and you're like, man, I

42:21

came to this game having a bad day. And

42:25

just being here, it's 80 degrees, a

42:28

bird shit on me. I

42:30

was at Shea Stadium and a bird shit on me.

42:33

But just the fact that you could share those experiences

42:36

with your child, with your father, with

42:39

your mother, maybe your

42:41

mother wanted to go see Barbra Streisand

42:44

in New York City when she was going to college there,

42:46

but the tickets were too expensive. We

42:49

could relive that, pick

42:51

her up in a limo, take

42:53

her to a thing, and

42:56

forget about what AI is gonna do because

42:58

they could actually have Barbra Streisand there greeting

43:01

you.

43:02

Yeah, I was gonna say VR. I'm sorry, I'm not-

43:05

No, no, no, no, AI is probably not wrong. They

43:07

can create people. They could make

43:10

concerts that didn't happen. AI

43:14

is definitely gonna play a part

43:16

in it. That

43:19

would be interesting.

43:22

All because we, you've talked about that

43:24

for a while with comedy, with recording

43:28

the sets up to a special to see

43:30

how the set was built.

43:35

I like all that stuff

43:37

too, but also like these festivals

43:40

that Burt puts on.

43:41

Yeah, oh yeah. Experience, brother.

43:44

Tape those. Tape those

43:46

from underneath, looking open. And

43:49

you tape those and 30 years from

43:51

now, you could go see Burt Kreisand.

43:54

You'd go see Dave Chappelle at the Garden. But

43:58

hold on one second. I gotta break

44:00

cause I gotta talk to these people about popcorn.

44:03

The fuck, listen, I hate popcorn,

44:06

but this popcorn is going to put you

44:08

over the fucking top. I'll be right back guys.

44:11

Like I told you in the podcast, listen, they're

44:13

new popcorn. I love this company.

44:16

Kudo popcorn. If you're trying

44:19

to eat less garbage, especially this holiday

44:21

season, you gotta try Kudo popcorn.

44:24

It tastes amazing. Listen, tremendous.

44:27

It has 10 grams of whey protein

44:29

isolate in every bag. MMA

44:31

athletes like Michael Chandler, Robbie

44:34

Lawler, and Dana White love it. And for

44:36

a good reason, whey protein helps

44:38

boost muscle mass. So whether you're getting

44:40

ready for a big fight or just hitting

44:42

the gym after work, it's going to help you

44:45

reach your goals. Listen, I

44:47

love the garlic parmesan. I

44:49

love the white cheddar and I love

44:51

the salty sweet Kado corn. I got a

44:53

box in the mail one day.

44:55

I thought it was like shoes or something. I

44:57

opened it up.

44:58

It's like 10 bags of popcorn. I

45:01

opened one up just to eat one to try it as

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bags right off the bat. They

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46:03

guys. I wouldn't lie to you about

46:06

this This white cheddar is off the

46:08

hook and again the garlic parlour

46:10

John and they had one of the flavor that drove

46:12

me crazy But give it a shot look

46:15

it up. Do what you need to do. It's

46:17

Tuesday, baby The 28 gets

46:20

your life together back to

46:22

the podcast now. We're back Anyway,

46:26

we would talk that's the fucking future. I know for

46:28

a fact I heard something That

46:31

they're taking a touring like, you know,

46:33

I think it's biggie and too pop

46:36

Yeah, I'm sure there are and a because

46:39

I was thinking about what there weren't like

46:41

what you were talking about and you It

46:43

clicked it like you're talking about you like not

46:46

just the performance but like everything around it Did

46:48

you I it's way too long to watch

46:50

the whole thing, but they did a whole documentary

46:53

on Woodstock Yeah, they

46:55

have all that footage like that would be

46:57

one I think to go to cuz like When

47:00

you're talking about what you're talking about I think you kind of have

47:02

to if you want that you kind of have to start

47:04

interviewing people there Don't you

47:06

and like to like like?

47:08

Lillie

47:10

Calm down on the reefer. It's got you

47:12

planning. I'm not interviewing fucking nobody.

47:14

No, you're not interviewing anybody But you're telling

47:17

it would just be It let's

47:20

say Woodstock would be a great idea to

47:22

see what additional footage they have You

47:25

have to go through whoever owns the footage,

47:27

you know, it's a process But

47:30

if there's money involved This

47:33

could be a fucking great idea and

47:36

I mean you go to Woodstock You're wearing

47:38

a fucking shirt from the 60s. You

47:40

ain't showing for a week. You got

47:43

flip-flops on your lingo You're

47:45

going all out the girl you're taking's

47:48

got syphilis Maybe you get her

47:50

a shot together the syphilis from the jungles.

47:53

I don't know I don't fucking know but It's

47:56

just going and seeing the music and

47:58

the smells You know

48:00

if somebody to recreate the smells the

48:02

mud, I don't fucking know Lee.

48:05

I just know that If

48:08

there was a high-level Pink Floyd

48:11

war it's on it's on YouTube

48:14

Look it up Pink Floyd the wall February

48:17

20th 1980 it's

48:21

opening night. It's on there. It's just

48:23

not taped Like you

48:26

would tape. It's a it's a whatever

48:28

a bootleg

48:29

You're right. You you're we want high quality

48:32

like They did it on purpose.

48:34

It looks and sounds great. I want to see the sweat

48:36

on his face

48:38

So at one time of the experience I could just

48:40

throw a mist in the air Like

48:42

they do on that Disney show the it's

48:45

a small world after all Where

48:47

you sit in the fucking chair and they take

48:49

you all around the world and when you're going through

48:51

India They throw sand at you

48:53

and then you know, it's fucking tremendous

48:56

you get married. They throw rice at you

48:59

If you want to have this wet come at you we want

49:01

to have some mist people where people sweat

49:03

Yeah, not with the real sweat, but

49:05

just a little mist the fucking warm water Because

49:09

you're taken in by the experience. You're not even gonna

49:11

feel with mist till midway.

49:13

I mean, that's the whole thing I mean, like I said,

49:15

you're paying 15 grand 20 grand

49:17

for this and 10 for your kids They

49:20

can't give you they're gonna they're not gonna say you sell

49:23

you a hundred thousand dollar Project

49:26

with $10 shoes on

49:28

right

49:28

for me to charge you that fucking dough. I gotta

49:31

impress

49:32

Well fuck out of you.

49:34

I gotta make you leave there and go dog. I

49:36

do it again I'm taking

49:38

a second mortgage out of my house. I'm

49:40

taking my mother and father

49:43

You know, if you if you could recreate like

49:45

an entire experience for

49:47

hours five hours

49:50

Warm up walk into the fucking

49:52

thing You know, and I'm not

49:54

talking about VR. I'm talking about

49:56

surround sound all around screens

49:59

around I mean

50:01

this is big money Lee this isn't

50:03

two podcast dudes are gonna do this no

50:06

I think this might be technology that doesn't exist yet

50:08

too I know me dog

50:12

I'm in the future I'm taking these animals I'm thinking

50:14

about things I never

50:19

would have thought that would be what you would think about hi

50:22

you

50:23

know when my friend told me today I was

50:25

like wow that is something that

50:28

would change entertainment for fucking

50:30

ever because

50:32

oh yeah if I could take a baseball game

50:35

if I could take game five of

50:37

Cincinnati against Boston and

50:41

I don't know I don't know how I would present it

50:44

I don't know if I would go to Fenway yeah

50:47

in a 15 grand along with a lot of

50:49

other people I don't

50:51

know how to do it but just to have that on the field

50:53

to watch that exact game with

50:56

Carlton Fisk and all that I would

50:59

I think I'd have a nervous breakdown because

51:02

it would be back to being in that bedroom

51:05

on my mother's bed watching it fucking

51:07

with crosses all over me and

51:10

I'm like Cincinnati has to win or I'm

51:12

gonna fucking die in this house they're just

51:14

gonna sacrifice me you know so

51:16

how old were you I

51:19

was about maybe 10 or 11 or 12

51:22

but I just became a Cincinnati Red Fam when

51:24

I was a kid they lost to Oakland

51:27

to somebody something happened and

51:29

I really liked them and then I just saw

51:32

I saw him lose and I saw him win a

51:34

World Series against one

51:36

of the best teams I ever saw the

51:38

Boston Red Sox at that time with you

51:41

know they had the fucking one of

51:43

the best teams ever they just couldn't win a World

51:45

Series but

51:46

that was a battle

51:48

and even to show people like I would pay 20

51:51

grand to see all six games like

51:55

don't even take me home sick 18

51:58

hours in a fucking Capsule

52:01

with 20 other sweaty fat dudes Fucking

52:05

you know with fucking blankets

52:07

on their faces from the tears Rolling

52:10

down

52:11

because that's how

52:14

You know, that's what this game would mean to

52:16

you

52:17

Now would you and I don't

52:20

it's not necessarily better but like what

52:22

if you could have like if you could plan

52:25

out I have an hour and I want to

52:27

be and and These

52:29

ten plays like 20 I

52:32

gave well you could just go to see like every

52:34

cool sports moment that

52:36

you ever wanted to see

52:38

It's tremendous.

52:40

Then like you just see that moment. That would be crazy

52:43

So I think I know that going

52:45

ahead with the technology that I

52:48

know hasn't been made yet

52:53

Yeah, I'm sorry about that but it's you

52:55

just see it coming so, you know If

52:58

you think about it, listen, if

53:00

I think about a technology me being

53:02

an idiot I can't imagine

53:05

what the smart people are really thinking about right now

53:12

Just went to a doctor's visit maybe a month

53:14

ago And we were talking about

53:16

he goes you got a couple options left for your left knee

53:19

But eventually it's gonna have to be redone

53:22

And he goes I know you're a little hesitant. He goes,

53:25

but let me tell you something That whole

53:27

situation has changed He

53:30

goes it's changed so much that they

53:32

put the painkiller in your kneecap now They

53:35

just insert painkillers in your kneecap.

53:37

Yeah, but it releases it when you need it. He

53:40

was telling me all this shit It's a vacuum thing

53:42

now, you know, not that I'm gonna do it I'm not

53:44

saying I'm gonna do it, but he was telling

53:47

me how much the technologies changed since I did

53:49

my right knee So

53:52

you have to think that everything's moving.

53:54

I mean I've talked I've spoken to you I've spoken

53:57

to Mike and every once in a while you guys

53:59

hit me with an anthem I'm like, oh my god.

54:01

That's a great fucking idea Your

54:04

own radio station, you know your

54:06

own this your own that You

54:09

know how many times people sit there? I watched

54:11

the fucking NFL game and I turn

54:13

off the volume. Yeah, okay But

54:16

are you telling me you could do better than these guys?

54:19

Let's do it step up to the pump cocksucker There's

54:22

an app called, you know, take me

54:24

to the ballgame and fucking

54:27

You're there whether it's soccer basketball

54:31

NFL football or whatever

54:34

the fuck's left baseball pro you

54:36

could call your own fucking games and Take

54:39

donations or charge a monthly fucking

54:41

fee Give them the first two weeks for

54:43

free and if they don't sign a waiver

54:45

then after two weeks you charge whatever 995

54:48

I mean guys that's that's

54:51

there already

54:53

That's something

54:54

Somebody's already doing that So

54:58

any idea you may have at the house that

55:00

you want to be creative about and you're like, well,

55:03

I don't know I always wanted to be in an ounce

55:05

or the strip club. I guarantee There's

55:08

an app right now that there's girls on the

55:10

screen Somewhere in Bulgaria

55:13

and there you are coming up to the stage.

55:15

It's brandy Let's give

55:17

it up. I don't even know anything

55:19

about that world, but you have

55:22

to assume these things You Have

55:27

to just go yeah, this has to exist

55:30

because I'm an idiot and I thought about it

55:34

It doesn't seem like that's how they're gonna remain now, but they're all

55:36

like those robots that will cook your food now

55:38

I can't imagine what's gonna happen with podcasting

55:41

in two years You're just gonna

55:43

sign up for a fucking Apple thing

55:46

and they're gonna do all this They're gonna do

55:48

a thousand things you could just do

55:50

it at the house. They're gonna do a thousand things You

55:54

know, you can't imagine what's gonna happen

55:56

not that I'm gonna be any good at it, you know, I

55:59

don't know about that But this

56:01

is what's going on every day in our world

56:04

right now It's you

56:06

have to accept it. Oh There's

56:09

a constant see now. I know

56:11

the animals are hitting me. Oh, why

56:13

is that? They just cuz I'm talking shit

56:15

I'm talking gibberish here now, you know Good

56:23

picks this weekend. I only put two people on

56:26

Both of them. Yeah, I had Denver Because

56:29

I love Denver giving a small amount

56:32

at home on a Sunday and Then

56:35

I took the under in Baltimore last night. I

56:37

just took a chance. I Said

56:39

let me use the $27. I won on the first game, you know

56:45

That was interesting. You know,

56:48

I got both but it's it's It's

56:52

it's really interesting. I I

56:55

sit around I do a bunch of things. I

56:57

mean the last two weeks have been fucking

56:59

brutal with this ankle but

57:03

Listen, I'm back. It hurts still but

57:08

Yeah, man. It had you know, I got a ice at

57:10

three times a day. I Got

57:12

it. I've been looking at how many steps I take.

57:15

I think I've I walk over 4,000 That's

57:19

what it swells up

57:21

Fuck and it's been like two weeks now

57:24

It will be two two weeks on

57:26

Thursday

57:28

So

57:32

and like lifting weights

57:35

I'm doing sit-ups in my fat tummy. I'm on

57:37

the fucking bike and I'm

57:40

sleeping I'm sleeping

57:42

great. As a matter of fact, let's keep like a fucking

57:44

baby now She's

57:47

getting bigger and now We're

57:49

just November 27th. We

57:51

don't stop this fucking party till Christmas

57:55

Eve. It's over, you know, oh

57:57

Yeah, and I like that

57:59

I'm sorry. Oh,

58:01

no, I was when you were talking about

58:03

sports. I wanted to talk to you about Tommy DeVito

58:06

That the Giants quarterback and see

58:09

what you thought. Did he have you heard about

58:11

him?

58:11

I heard he was a bartender in Hoboken I

58:15

know he lived at home with his mother or something like

58:17

that.

58:17

Yeah,

58:18

I know he's won two games with the Giants

58:22

He's one. I think he's won at least two games And

58:26

you know like this week I tried to watch I think you

58:28

and I were on the phone for about a minute Yeah,

58:31

it was on it was zero zero and

58:33

we were like, what was the over on them? We're like 16 It

58:36

was all I didn't watch the game. I'm happy.

58:38

They won the Giants. I'm happy

58:40

for DeVito But if you know anything

58:43

about me, I'm happy for that motherfucker. That's

58:45

like a rocky story He's

58:47

living at his mother's house. She's making

58:49

pasta for him and he's bartending

58:52

at a fucking bar in Hoboken And

58:54

he got the Giants.

58:56

Let me read the quote because I when I saw this

58:58

it's all I was you all was all I could Think

59:00

about he said it was a no-brainer for me I

59:03

don't have to worry about laundry what I'm eating for dinner

59:05

chicken cutlets and all that is waiting for

59:07

me when I get there My mom still makes my bed.

59:10

Everything is handled for me

59:12

And I just thought about like you

59:15

that's like your dream and he's the Giants

59:17

quarterback

59:19

It's a rags-to-riches story

59:22

Because if he wins two more games somebody's

59:24

gonna pick him up next year Right

59:28

and it may be the Giants because he's a hometown

59:30

fucking, you know, he's a Jersey

59:32

boy So listen, he gets all my

59:34

fucking respect in the world. I'm happy

59:37

even if he doesn't win another game So

59:39

he was bartending He

59:41

won two NFL games He's

59:44

working with something. There's something there. Somebody

59:47

has to pick him up and work with him but

59:49

the balls in the heart of that so You

59:52

know, I mean the Giants

59:55

weren't the best team in the world it's not like he

59:57

he fell into the Dallas Cowboys or

1:00:00

You know the Kansas City Chiefs or something like that

1:00:03

a position he fell into a hard fucking

1:00:05

job, you know So

1:00:07

I give him all the credit in the world He

1:00:09

lost the game or two and then his confidence

1:00:12

started to pick up which is acceptable and

1:00:15

now he's got two W's He needs

1:00:17

two more and somebody will reach out next year

1:00:19

and go listen. Come on over here for

1:00:21

you know And you never

1:00:24

know what this kid could do. What if the kid wins

1:00:26

a Super Bowl in two years? I

1:00:29

mean if the Giants

1:00:32

don't take him next year What if this kid goes somewhere

1:00:35

and wins a fucking Super Bowl how great?

1:00:38

Would that be you know, that's why I get

1:00:40

up and go you see guys Nothing

1:00:43

happens on the couch cocksuckers

1:00:46

No, yeah, even if they had a Super Bowl

1:00:48

in New York or New Jersey again, and he

1:00:50

was a quarterback for the Giants

1:00:52

Even if they lost bro that that's

1:00:55

just to go from bartending

1:00:58

To a fucking now stage like the Super

1:01:00

Bowl. That's fucking amazing where

1:01:02

I come from, you know, so I'm

1:01:04

happy for all that type of shit. I Can't

1:01:07

tell you that I sit by the TV and watch the

1:01:09

game because they're brutal. I was doing

1:01:12

something, you know on the Lord's Day

1:01:14

I was moving around this Sunday. I've

1:01:16

been busy man Yeah,

1:01:18

you seem like it really fucking busy

1:01:21

for what's been going on in the world

1:01:24

You follow me? I got I

1:01:26

picked up a voiceover for a kid

1:01:29

show a Nickelodeon show nice I

1:01:32

picked up another audition for Animated

1:01:35

pilot I picked up another voiceover.

1:01:37

I picked up a regular audition for

1:01:40

one of my favorite shows I

1:01:42

hope it goes, you know It's

1:01:45

been fucking I can't complain I'm

1:01:48

talking to the writer. Hopefully Wednesday get

1:01:50

that party started.

1:01:52

That's really awesome and

1:01:54

Yeah, no, I

1:01:56

do the podcast with you. Oh,

1:01:59

I'm good That's a great one. I'm like,

1:02:01

the laughing gas keeps me in fucking

1:02:04

potato chips and smoking the best reefer

1:02:06

out there. They sent me these

1:02:09

edibles. I didn't bring them in with me.

1:02:12

Oh my God, these tremendous edibles. They

1:02:14

come in different languages and shit. Yeah,

1:02:17

I took like three of them, not knowing. I didn't

1:02:19

know they wanted 75 milligrams. Oh

1:02:22

shit. I took four of them because

1:02:25

they taste really fucking good. I

1:02:28

took four of them and I was talking to George

1:02:30

and he goes, bro, I ate half of one. I'm

1:02:33

still fucked up. And I'm like, I ate

1:02:35

four of them. And

1:02:37

then that night, I remember

1:02:39

I came home yesterday

1:02:41

and it was at one point that I put ice

1:02:43

on my leg and I sat down

1:02:46

and was watching something. It wasn't football though.

1:02:49

And last night before I went to bed, I went into

1:02:52

my woop and I

1:02:54

went to log in that I was going to sleep and

1:02:56

it logged in a nap for 40

1:02:59

minutes. It was when I had the ice in

1:03:01

my fucking foot because the edibles

1:03:04

took me somewhere. Like they just,

1:03:06

they took you so fast.

1:03:08

You know what I'm saying? Like they went,

1:03:10

oh, and then

1:03:11

it just dropped me into a fucking.

1:03:15

I've been there a couple of times. What like is it a gummy? Is

1:03:17

it a chocolate? What is it?

1:03:19

Gummies. Oh shit.

1:03:21

If you're not into the beast,

1:03:23

I'll save you some. I'm saying we'll fuck people.

1:03:26

We'll mix them with the ABX.

1:03:29

Well, I need them because I went,

1:03:31

I went to go get some tonight, but I went

1:03:33

and got my, my medical

1:03:36

license here in mass today

1:03:37

after work.

1:03:39

It was one of the craziest. I

1:03:42

can't believe I forgot to tell you, but this

1:03:44

dude was very nice. He was like a 70 something 80

1:03:46

year old doctor and he was giving me like a history

1:03:48

lesson on marijuana, but

1:03:51

not the hard one, but like the medium

1:03:53

one. He said the N word twice. Like

1:03:56

she, like

1:03:59

not the hard.

1:03:59

But like the one that's still not great. He

1:04:02

was telling me the history about it and saying like Like

1:04:05

the doctors just like the whoever that

1:04:07

guy was briefer madness. They said

1:04:09

the black people When

1:04:12

I want to smoked it and then he just dropped

1:04:14

that word twice

1:04:16

And I was like I had to sit there

1:04:19

because I wanted my medical license What

1:04:21

I didn't know what to do I

1:04:26

just keep nodding. Yes. Yes, I'm

1:04:28

good that you're right. Yeah good.

1:04:30

You're right. Oh I haven't

1:04:33

seen reefer madness as I was like fucking 14

1:04:37

No, no, you gotta be

1:04:39

like 13 with a propeller on your head to

1:04:41

watch that nonsense. It's like black

1:04:43

and white You know,

1:04:46

it's got its moments, but now it's

1:04:48

nobody's Academy of what went it by far

1:04:51

I just missed the doctors in LA

1:04:54

like I went to one on Ventura. I Spent

1:04:57

more time in the waiting room than I did but the doctor

1:05:00

the doctor took three seconds Yeah, he takes

1:05:02

your blood pressure makes believe he gives a fuck

1:05:05

You know

1:05:06

this guy 20 minutes on terp beans

1:05:09

Yeah, no, it was great. LA the first

1:05:11

time I got my license was like 30 minutes.

1:05:14

He talks to you You know, he's trying to

1:05:16

cover the spread. He's asking you for the

1:05:18

small 200. Oh He's

1:05:23

Asking it for the small 200 The

1:05:26

first license I got was a small 200 and

1:05:29

then the next time I read up there was like Then

1:05:34

it was $49 all day long then it was $29 or three hat Yeah

1:05:43

And now you don't have to go anywhere you can do it on your phone I

1:05:46

Guess yeah, that's how I did it me.

1:05:49

I mind my fucking business. I don't know nothing My

1:05:52

friend goes to LA he comes back. He drops

1:05:54

a little fucking handkerchief off It's

1:05:57

got a couple buds in it and I live happily

1:06:00

You know month to month Absolutely.

1:06:03

It would I'm not going off the rails.

1:06:05

I'm not smoking blunts. I

1:06:08

do the freeze pipe, you know three times

1:06:10

a day morning late

1:06:13

afternoon and 1030 nappy

1:06:16

noon no time That's

1:06:19

not bad. No, that's not bad and

1:06:21

the edibles. That's why I can't believe I ate them

1:06:23

tonight I'm not I'm on I'm in

1:06:25

there. I think I gotta do some things I'm

1:06:28

in there, but I'm not locked in locked in

1:06:30

like then, you know, you know how we

1:06:32

do it player Oh, I can tell no.

1:06:35

No, you're doing okay. You're doing a lot better than most people

1:06:37

in a thousand milligrams Yeah a thousand

1:06:39

plus because I ate the chocolate bar the 2500

1:06:42

bar eight or one for so Scott like maybe Four

1:06:45

things I it's for its 16

1:06:48

pieces. Remember we did the math already It's

1:06:51

like 60, right? The

1:06:53

milligrams of peace I ain't force. That's another 240,

1:06:56

you know, who do you

1:06:58

think you're dealing with some fucking novice here? I'm

1:07:00

doing a fucking checking. I gotta be tipped up.

1:07:03

I do I don't show up like other people

1:07:06

No, you couldn't find the bulls. You

1:07:08

don't know what happened the doctor,

1:07:11

you know, they only sell tens over there That's

1:07:14

why I had to get my license because they only sell five

1:07:17

five. So you ate 20 of them. I Had

1:07:20

well, no, I had I thought last week

1:07:22

that's why I survived last week. I finished up the a

1:07:24

BX you gave me

1:07:26

You don't fucking tell

1:07:28

me

1:07:28

Well, then you said I got to you

1:07:31

know, I'm some time that I had 10 tonight.

1:07:33

I had 50 but yeah 10 gummies,

1:07:36

that's great. That's great

1:07:40

You could be fucking fentanyl

1:07:43

or light shit Like

1:07:53

That's what they give me they give you a fentanyl

1:07:55

all fucking full you don't say they

1:07:57

got a lot like fentanyl on medium

1:08:00

and in fentanyl on that be new new

1:08:03

Yeah

1:08:04

Christ so be careful I'm

1:08:07

doing my best We

1:08:10

get what performances do you have this week?

1:08:12

this week I have Wednesday

1:08:15

night at Off

1:08:17

the rails in Worcester and Thursday

1:08:19

through Saturday. I'm at the Kansas City in probably

1:08:22

Charles. Oh Shit,

1:08:24

I'm so excited. It's great That's

1:08:27

a great club. I think the ladies

1:08:29

still there that runs it Oh,

1:08:31

that'd be great under my love. She's

1:08:33

good people. There was a dude there

1:08:35

named Kevin. That's good people, you know

1:08:38

What's that that's

1:08:41

crazy that you remember all these names

1:08:43

You have to mess, you know after why

1:08:45

you you it's so weird when you

1:08:48

start to travel and then You

1:08:51

think of these people Once you

1:08:54

to a club like the second or third time

1:08:56

you saw it with me when we go to Irvine

1:08:59

we became friends with the wait staff and Then

1:09:01

you go and the wait staff will be gone and be somebody

1:09:04

else there and then one day you go to Tempe

1:09:06

and that way Staff that you don't see anymore.

1:09:08

Is it the Tempe improv and you don't even know

1:09:10

where you are Whether you're in Irvine, you're Brea.

1:09:14

It's crazy. You become friends

1:09:16

with them and then you picture them as you're flying

1:09:18

in By the plane is landing

1:09:20

like oh, I remember her. I

1:09:23

remember him now. Oh shit. All right

1:09:26

They text you before you land will be at the

1:09:28

airport and you go all now. I remember

1:09:30

her. Oh Shit, this

1:09:33

place has the pork chops. Oh shit

1:09:35

the waste your cells weed and now

1:09:37

it all becomes You

1:09:40

it comes in full fucking focus

1:09:42

That's pretty awesome. And it's I'm

1:09:47

I'm excited about God. This is one like I've heard

1:09:50

really cool things about it. I've never been to Kansas

1:09:53

City I'm just happy to go.

1:09:55

I'm really just happy to go and Do

1:09:57

real shows and like awesome clothes

1:10:00

He's got he's got mushrooms that look

1:10:03

like my fungi tone down the right you

1:10:05

saw those two I saw them They're

1:10:07

like government issue.

1:10:08

Oh my god, that's

1:10:10

definitely night Friday Yeah,

1:10:12

that's what people come back from the war when they're

1:10:14

a little wobbly. They give them those high-level ones

1:10:19

They look like baseball bats, yeah, you're gonna

1:10:21

hit you're not gonna hear stuff I I

1:10:25

Read up on those things. You're not gonna hear your

1:10:27

hearing is gonna leave Because that's

1:10:29

what it does. It stops you from hearing bombs.

1:10:31

Oh wait, I'm not gonna hear noises But I'm just gonna be I'm gonna

1:10:33

be deaf for a little while. Yeah,

1:10:36

you know You're just

1:10:38

gonna hear like a little beep and you're like

1:10:40

somebody shot a gun next to you. Oh

1:10:42

You're gonna be on that's

1:10:45

good. Oh, I'm really excited.

1:10:47

You're tough. It tells kid. I can't believe

1:10:49

you start there Pounding the

1:10:51

fucking pavement like an animal. I'm proud

1:10:53

of you And that's what that matters and

1:10:56

all you young comics that are watching this. This

1:10:58

is just a lesson man, which is

1:11:00

to fucking comedians

1:11:03

talking about fucking the road

1:11:05

and menus and What's

1:11:07

next and I'm proud of Lee? For

1:11:10

getting into this club. Hopefully they'll give him some love

1:11:12

or as much as they can give

1:11:15

him It's a small club and you

1:11:17

know, it's a big area a lot of comics

1:11:19

everywhere you know any

1:11:22

area you move into now it's You're

1:11:25

gonna be around a lot of comics and everybody has

1:11:27

the same story. Everybody brings their

1:11:29

own feature act. So That's

1:11:31

where you have to decide what you

1:11:33

want to do Take a week as an MC

1:11:36

and get better as an MC and

1:11:38

meet another headline of the feature act That

1:11:40

you'll be friends with down the road or

1:11:43

where your ego takes you. I'm a headliner

1:11:46

I'll never have to see and then you decide

1:11:48

from there

1:11:50

I Will MC for anybody? I

1:11:52

Mean to I'll still MC

1:11:55

for anybody if I am seed You

1:11:57

know saying maybe I could MC virtually You

1:12:00

could

1:12:01

no not get the fuck off. I know

1:12:03

you're not going to but oh

1:12:06

No, no, no if I am but when

1:12:08

I was working I always emcee even when

1:12:10

I was trying to be a really good feature

1:12:13

act If Josh wolf got a

1:12:15

week featuring I would

1:12:17

go with him and fucking do guess that for

1:12:19

free As long as I could sleep on

1:12:21

the floor with a fucking blanket. I'm

1:12:24

good. You know I'm saying I was that type of dude

1:12:26

I always knew that a set would make me that

1:12:29

much stronger Some people

1:12:31

go I'm not doing a guess that they're fucked that

1:12:33

guy. You don't have to like him But

1:12:36

if you get a guess out of the guy and

1:12:38

work a joke, that's more than Whatever

1:12:41

personal feelings you have for the guy at

1:12:43

one point in comedy for you to move

1:12:45

forward You got to drop your fucking personal feelings,

1:12:48

you know and just attack that motherfucker

1:12:50

like a set You have a goal every

1:12:52

year. You got to hit 300 something fucking sets

1:12:55

and you're here telling me you don't get along with the guy You

1:12:58

don't like him because he busted your

1:13:00

balls once, you know how you bust his balls

1:13:02

go in there and rock that fucking rule Go

1:13:05

in there and unhinge the fucking doors and

1:13:07

then walk past him and go follow that bitch

1:13:13

Sorry about that I got emotional I talked about that

1:13:15

type of shit You

1:13:18

and then like that's your advice that's crazy.

1:13:21

That's my advice. I told

1:13:23

you man One of the biggest lessons I learned there was

1:13:25

a booker in Seattle God rest

1:13:27

her soul a point somewhere Where

1:13:30

she just didn't like me and

1:13:32

she told a friend of mine? I'm

1:13:34

not gonna book him anymore Okay, I took

1:13:36

that but she had 20,000 rooms

1:13:40

And I couldn't take that answer. So

1:13:42

I knew she didn't like me for

1:13:45

a reason that had nothing to do

1:13:47

with stand-up and I

1:13:49

called her every Wednesday and said do you mind if I

1:13:51

go to this room? And

1:13:53

do a guest set. What are you gonna say? She

1:13:56

would go. Yeah, and she would be angry

1:13:59

and I

1:13:59

I knew it burned her up and I would

1:14:02

go every once a week. I did

1:14:04

one of our rooms for free. Even the club

1:14:06

owners would go, how come we haven't seen you? And

1:14:08

I would never bad mouth her. I

1:14:10

would go, I don't know. She just, she's

1:14:13

just starting to book me now. Hopefully

1:14:15

you'll give them a good report. I knew I would never be

1:14:17

back at that club, but it didn't matter. I

1:14:20

was getting better. I got, there was a, there

1:14:23

was, it was like a four month run where

1:14:26

I just did one of her rooms once

1:14:28

a week to burn her because

1:14:30

she didn't like me for something

1:14:32

specific that

1:14:35

had nothing to do with our comedy. And

1:14:38

I had a beer. She didn't want to pay me, fine,

1:14:40

don't pay me, but I'm still going in there

1:14:42

to do a motherfucking gas set.

1:14:46

And then that, that's, it's just interesting

1:14:49

how to deal with people

1:14:52

who might not like you. Cause again,

1:14:54

I get not nervous

1:14:56

about it, but I guess kind of nervous about like, that's

1:14:59

why I think I was so stuck on a specific

1:15:01

set. I just wanted to do

1:15:03

well. I just, I

1:15:06

get, you get so in your head with this stuff.

1:15:09

Doug, I don't care who I was showcasing

1:15:11

for or what I'm

1:15:13

doing. I'm getting the

1:15:15

set out of this motherfucker. So

1:15:18

even if I got a set

1:15:20

that I'm afraid to get away from,

1:15:22

that's cool. I understand that. I

1:15:25

want you to try something new in the middle because

1:15:28

if you have that much confidence in your set,

1:15:31

you're going to have, if you, it's an eight minute

1:15:33

set. I want you to slip it at the four

1:15:36

minute mark after you're already likable. Feel

1:15:39

how the joke feels because you

1:15:41

probably tried an open mic and

1:15:43

there's eight people, but now you're going

1:15:45

to try it in front of an audience that likes you. There's

1:15:48

more than 30 people in there. And

1:15:50

then if the joke goes forward, there

1:15:53

you go. Mental note. If it doesn't,

1:15:55

you got your four minutes to close up with that

1:15:57

you have so much confidence in. Right.

1:16:00

I always want you to get something

1:16:03

out of the fucking set Always

1:16:05

take something from that set You're

1:16:08

bombing. That's why you turn on the

1:16:10

improv for a second Make

1:16:12

sure that improv works and don't get

1:16:15

angry Interesting

1:16:19

if you open up that field don't

1:16:21

get angry if the guy clobbers you

1:16:24

But if you're there for 20 minutes and you're up at

1:16:26

ten you're in a bar And

1:16:31

you're doing 20 minutes and you have 10 marks

1:16:34

They're giggling they're starting to say shit and

1:16:36

you got into a heckling mark with him. No,

1:16:39

not that he's funny I don't want you to let the

1:16:41

comedy turn into a temper And

1:16:44

for you to say something wrong and now you turn the

1:16:46

audience on you for sure and

1:16:48

that's a mistake a lot of young Comics mate.

1:16:51

Well fuck you man. I'm never coming to this dump

1:16:53

again wrong

1:16:55

answer You

1:16:58

didn't have him from the beginning don't let your ego

1:17:00

get in front of you You didn't have

1:17:02

him from the beginning You're trying to bail

1:17:04

yourself out and now at the end you dump on

1:17:06

the place or you dump on the host Or

1:17:09

you dump on any other comedian or fuck you

1:17:11

you laughed at the guy with the organ You

1:17:13

just blew your fucking whole night. I Want

1:17:17

you to go out there And

1:17:20

leave there on your feet. It's

1:17:22

okay to have a bad set That's

1:17:26

what's great about tomorrow Or

1:17:29

what's great about that? Fucking

1:17:31

bone now that does comedy at midnight

1:17:34

that you don't like to go to because everybody's drunk Well,

1:17:37

you ain't such a bag of dicks here. You

1:17:39

might as well go down there and earn your fucking strike

1:17:41

tonight There's always an

1:17:44

answer to a bomb. Do not

1:17:46

be scared to bomb, please Once

1:17:48

you take that safety net off your

1:17:51

comedy career goes 80% high Don't

1:17:55

be scared to bomb the common

1:17:57

mistake of young comedians including Did

1:18:00

it for years once once you

1:18:02

were losing him Was to

1:18:04

panic never panic take the step

1:18:06

back and go back to basics

1:18:09

Go find yourself while this ain't working.

1:18:12

I guess I gotta stop fucking doing heroin now

1:18:14

And just take them until something else comes

1:18:16

to your mind Don't let them

1:18:19

see you sweat, correct?

1:18:22

I've never thought about it like that, but it makes

1:18:24

sense it explains why

1:18:26

some sense have gone bad bad for me

1:18:29

Absolutely. You got at one point

1:18:31

in your career the five six year level

1:18:34

It's time to take the safety net off. It's

1:18:36

time to work differently. It's time to go

1:18:38

up there to bomb You

1:18:41

went up there to bomb? Yeah, go up there

1:18:43

to bomb I want you to go up there and see how it is to

1:18:45

really bomb You already established

1:18:47

yourself now go up there and

1:18:50

see what it's really like to bomb. How you guys

1:18:52

doing tonight? Look at you. Where'd you

1:18:54

coming from Buffalo? Oh, your wings are tired

1:18:57

Just go up there and see the real feeling of

1:18:59

a bomb and get off and

1:19:01

giggle about it and you'll go Wow That's

1:19:03

what it feels like to bomb that ain't

1:19:06

that bad I'd rather do that

1:19:08

then go up and rely on my material

1:19:11

for 10 years because I'm scared to

1:19:13

take a fucking chance

1:19:16

Holy shit, I'd give that freaks

1:19:19

me out so much. Like have you heard of

1:19:21

people say an intrusive

1:19:23

thought? Do

1:19:25

you have you heard people talk about it? It's like when you're

1:19:27

driving over a bridge and some people like oh, maybe I should

1:19:30

drive off a bridge I've thought before

1:19:32

going on stage sometimes and then like I'm freaking out

1:19:34

that maybe I should just

1:19:36

Stay like really eat

1:19:38

shit on purpose just cuz it's gonna go by

1:19:40

bad anyways, but like I don't want you

1:19:42

to eat shit on purpose But

1:19:44

I also when you go to these open mics,

1:19:48

I want you to go up there to bomb everyone.

1:19:50

Oh my god It's like me anxiety.

1:19:52

You know what it's like It's like you

1:19:55

being a fighter in training and

1:19:57

before the fight. I take you to signing a

1:19:59

leak We got a problem, Tana. We

1:20:02

got a problem. You got to go down to third round. Not

1:20:06

in the fourth round and the third. You

1:20:08

got to take one for the team. You know, we got your

1:20:10

back. We got ourselves into

1:20:13

a situation.

1:20:15

Yeah, but at least hopefully in that case,

1:20:18

like maybe you only take one punch to the face. You're

1:20:20

not bothering on purpose for 10 minutes. No,

1:20:22

I'm going to go to the other guy and tell him to punch you in the stomach

1:20:25

until you bleed out your ears. Just have fun,

1:20:27

you know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus Christ. No.

1:20:29

You know what I'm saying? I mean. No, but I

1:20:32

can't imagine going up there to bomb on purpose.

1:20:35

Lee, that's why it's so interesting how

1:20:38

I turned the bomb away from you. Guys,

1:20:40

young comics, medium comics,

1:20:43

this is how I didn't give a fuck. When

1:20:46

I lived in Seattle at the sixth

1:20:48

and seventh year mark, there

1:20:51

were nights I went up there to bomb. And

1:20:54

I bailed myself out. I

1:20:56

put myself in a hole, and

1:20:59

then I take myself out of the hole. That

1:21:01

takes a couple of weeks. Let's

1:21:07

have some fun in your career, cocksuckers.

1:21:10

That takes a couple of weeks. And

1:21:12

then you learn how to maintain. Like,

1:21:15

you know, before they say boo, before

1:21:18

a tomato comes up and you got to use

1:21:20

your dodging skills, now you

1:21:22

got to learn how to work them back. Look at you

1:21:24

motherfuckers got a little. You don't know who you're

1:21:26

dealing with, blah, blah, blah, blah. You start talking,

1:21:28

get them excited. And then you hit them and boom,

1:21:31

you win them over. And

1:21:33

then now you're like, see, you motherfuckers thought

1:21:35

I was some fucking bum from across the

1:21:37

street. I was just trying

1:21:39

shit on you. And you explain

1:21:41

your point, and you goof again on them,

1:21:44

and then you get the fuck out of there. So

1:21:48

you would. Joey Bananas, you think you got some

1:21:50

fucking novice here?

1:21:52

I never even thought about that. You would build bad

1:21:54

jokes into your set so that the good jokes

1:21:56

would be bad. Well, like, hit harder. That's

1:21:59

a fucking great idea. Evil genius like

1:22:06

Yeah,

1:22:10

you want to talk chicken I'll talk chicken with you

1:22:12

motherfuckers

1:22:14

You know Doug I took

1:22:16

a lot When I go to these rooms

1:22:18

that didn't matter, I'd

1:22:20

still respect the comedy But

1:22:23

I'd go off the deep end a little bit How

1:22:26

do you think I got that confidence to do

1:22:28

that in the comedy store? Because

1:22:30

I never did it before Because

1:22:33

no, that's what you need. That's what's

1:22:35

gonna sell you your character.

1:22:38

We're going back to them just

1:22:41

be yourself

1:22:44

So tonight you look on the paper and

1:22:47

write out the best version of yourself Would

1:22:50

you how would you tell me to suck

1:22:52

your cock? I want you to write it 20

1:22:55

different ways. I want you

1:22:57

to write it angry And I want you to write it funny

1:23:00

that we're gonna laugh at it This

1:23:02

is the music of words and

1:23:04

this is where you start to learn tone

1:23:09

What do you mean by tone

1:23:13

How do you use your voice

1:23:15

like volume volumes

1:23:18

Heavy went to steamroll

1:23:21

them Went to pull back a little

1:23:23

bit Just throw

1:23:25

some jabs at them

1:23:28

And like how many like let's say for example

1:23:30

cuz I got no one's building it let's say

1:23:33

you had this joke and you could either

1:23:36

pull back or steamroll them and Like

1:23:39

how would you do each what you do it three

1:23:41

times each four times? Like how would you decide?

1:23:43

What one was it best?

1:23:47

To see where they go Listen

1:23:50

once you cemented the joke for

1:23:53

a weekend Once you took the

1:23:55

joke to Kansas City for

1:23:57

a weekend and you fucking cemented the joke

1:24:00

Now it's got to go somewhere. Now you got to start

1:24:02

adding things to that. And

1:24:06

now that's where the beauty really starts.

1:24:09

And even if you write the joke, like

1:24:11

me, I could always write the joke, but

1:24:13

I really couldn't add that much beauty to it.

1:24:16

So I had to turn it into storytelling. We'll

1:24:19

get to that some other fucking podcast. I'll

1:24:22

write down just learn how to bomb

1:24:25

gracefully. That's the most

1:24:27

important fucking thing. You've

1:24:31

already felt what a good set feels like.

1:24:34

Right.

1:24:35

Now you got to feel what a

1:24:37

fucking bad set looks like, what

1:24:39

a bad set feels like. And

1:24:42

know this, that you'll never

1:24:45

you'll learn how to never feel that way

1:24:48

by learning how to control your sets. I

1:24:54

don't give a fuck where you start. It's

1:24:56

where you finish.

1:24:59

And it's not a fucking race. It's

1:25:01

a marathon.

1:25:04

Some of the best comics I've ever seen a

1:25:06

comic that could hold your attention and

1:25:09

talk and just gracefully go

1:25:11

into a joke. Anybody could machine

1:25:15

gun you like me. Anybody could

1:25:17

tell a story. There's guys with a real craftsman.

1:25:20

We'll get to those later. Good

1:25:22

luck this week with your sets, cocksuckers. Thank

1:25:24

you. I love you guys. Stick around. I got

1:25:27

to talk to you about Mascape. It's time to shave

1:25:29

your balls back. The

1:25:42

check-in is brought to you by Mascape.

1:25:45

It's time to look nice even if you've been

1:25:47

naughty. Mascape, make sure

1:25:50

your grooming is in check with a fresh

1:25:52

launch just in time for the holiday

1:25:54

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