0:00

which would be a breathing when you

0:02

watch the heavy breathing to 18

0:04

ball and it's animals are multiple

0:06

flavors. No, there was not three

0:08

ball. It was. Uh,

0:11

it was not three. I took at

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least four. But for the

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first time, I took at least four. I

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don't you have your wife saying that which one that

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show let's get this party started

4:45

guys it's Tuesday siete

4:48

de mayo turn

4:50

off your TVs run for your lives

4:53

it's over what's

5:18

happening beautiful people uncle Joey here with

5:21

the king of swing Lee Siete live

5:23

in New Jersey we're doing

5:25

a podcast live don't forget tomorrow

5:28

night we're at a no-joke comedy

5:30

and Thursday but guess what it's sold

5:33

out so next time immediately

5:35

immediately we don't fuck around how

5:37

you doing guys it's

5:39

fun to be back in like person it's fun

5:41

to be back I hear you he

5:44

wasn't even listening he called about four

5:46

I just watched Cleveland

5:48

come back oh

5:51

again fucking came back I couldn't

5:53

believe it and then they won

5:55

they covered the over everybody was happy and

5:58

then I took a little nappy When

6:01

I woke up, I was ready for war. It's Cinco

6:03

de Mayo week. You know. You

6:07

celebrate big on Cinco de Mayo? Oh yeah. He

6:09

saw me jumping up and down with a Mexican hat and mariachi.

6:11

What the fuck am I gonna go? I'm living in New Jersey.

6:14

The only aliens are illegal. They run from me. Happy

6:17

Cinco de Mayo, they tip. What the fuck? I

6:19

was just wishing you a happy

6:21

Cinco. But I went to a restaurant today and they

6:23

were in the back yelling. It was like a white

6:26

restaurant, but everybody in the back is Mexican. They were

6:28

yelling, Happy Cinco de Mayo. So

6:30

on the way out, I walk, I go, listen, I need

6:32

tamale back in. I'm up with this meatloaf shit. I

6:35

found one Mexican place last time I was here. It

6:38

was like in a pizza place. Cause

6:40

I found... It

6:43

was too weird. Like it was a sandwich place

6:45

near you, but you had to go... It was

6:47

like also in the back of a market and

6:49

like it's to grab your bread first and

6:51

walk up to the counter with your bread. I

6:54

don't know. So I went

6:56

next door to the Mexican place. It's actually pretty

6:58

good. Did it? But what

7:00

was I going to say to you? What

7:03

were you going to say to me? Cause I got

7:05

here and you were fucking with me and some... Oh,

7:09

I did. You

7:12

got me here and we

7:14

were taking bonnets and you said I took like two. I

7:17

took like eight of those. Who took two? Me.

7:20

You said I did. We

7:23

talked about the bonnets 20 minutes ago. I don't

7:25

know. Don't worry about nothing. You're

7:27

fine. You're fine. You're back in training. You're here

7:29

for a week. We already,

7:31

you know, we booked a hospital room

7:33

for you. Tuesday night, we

7:35

already booked dual hospital rooms, liquid IVs, the whole

7:38

fucking deal. He told me this on the way

7:40

home from a show. I called you and you're

7:42

like, and I was saying, cause you

7:44

kept saying, we're not going to stop taking animals. It's

7:46

going to be edible. And I have to drive. And

7:48

he told me you booked me a two nights day

7:50

at a hospital, which

7:53

I thank you. Yeah.

7:55

Two nights at a hospital. Nobody does that no more.

7:57

You call them advance. You go through the back door.

8:00

You give them the fucking Visa card, they put

8:02

you in a room by yourself. Nobody's yelling next

8:04

to you. There's nothing worse than being in a

8:06

hospital next to a guy. Huh, huh, all night.

8:08

And you're like, give me a fucking breather here.

8:10

It's off. I went to the ER with someone

8:13

a few months ago

8:15

on like Worcester and they're like, they're

8:17

screaming, they're hearing someone puke multiple times.

8:20

ER is entertainment. They

8:23

did a show called ER, but it wasn't the

8:25

real ER. It was a bunch

8:27

of nice people, you know, helping nice people. Like

8:29

I was on the, I cut myself with a

8:32

fucking with a bottle opener,

8:34

opening up a box in the warehouse.

8:37

That's not ER. I want to see I come

8:39

in shot whole month to his eye and then make

8:41

him do paperwork. The

8:43

guy's like, are you fucking serious? My

8:46

eyes are about to come out of my head and

8:48

you want me to give you insurance information. Like

8:50

you have the numbers on you? Yeah, yeah. They're in

8:52

my fucking wallet, which got robbed before

8:55

I got shot. I

8:57

can't win here. It's fucking, I

8:59

ain't going on emergency because you're in

9:02

pain and all of a sudden

9:04

they want to get family history. Listen, we'll get

9:06

the history later. Let's take the toot top. Let's

9:08

take the fucking fidget out of my ass, whatever

9:10

stuck and let's move on with our

9:12

lives. But do you want to go in there when I

9:14

ask you 20 questions? What do you like in New York?

9:16

It must be crazy in Manhattan. I haven't been in the

9:18

hospital in New York, knock on wood in

9:21

50 fucking years. Really? I don't know. I don't know.

9:23

And I don't want to know. I

9:25

know the last time I went to emergency in New

9:27

York was when I got there with the bottle and

9:30

that was 1970. So

9:32

that's 50 fucking four years

9:34

ago. And then I

9:36

went to ER like

9:39

in 1982 when a friend of mine, we had to take

9:41

it to the ER. And

9:43

that was just fucking scary. We

9:45

had to take it to Edgewater.

9:47

There's a there's a hospital in Edgewater. It used

9:49

to be in Union City, but

9:52

they moved to Edgewater. People always say, don't go

9:54

there. Don't go there because

9:56

it's like part time butchers. This guy, hold on, we're

9:58

going to operate in 10 minutes. He's

10:00

getting here from his janitorial position

10:02

that fucking safe way or something.

10:04

So they always tell you not to go in there But I went

10:07

in there With a friend,

10:09

you know, it was three in the morning Somebody

10:12

hit him in the nose So

10:14

we were in there. That was just a fucking

10:17

parade of And

10:19

they should take it from County

10:21

jail at mid like New York City jail

10:23

hospital just what's going on? Nobody wants to

10:25

see people get arrested no more. They did

10:27

that with Fucking cops, you

10:30

know now they have the live the lady. Yeah. Yeah. I

10:32

don't want to see that shit I want to see people

10:34

getting shot taken to the hospital The

10:36

guys are smoking cigarettes outside the emergency

10:38

room, you know The whole process the

10:40

guy who stabbed them is

10:42

getting taken to court to get processed to see

10:44

what his story is That's a

10:47

fucking cop story. See I'm

10:49

a criminal. I know what I want to see But

10:51

well, you can't handle blood. How are you gonna watch

10:53

people do surgery? I don't want to

10:55

see surgery just get him into you know, you can't show

10:57

the surgery. It's like the 600 pound man Don't

11:02

show you them cutting into the fucking behemoth

11:04

of a man. They show him

11:06

going into the back room It's the same

11:08

thing but the process of getting them out

11:11

putting stuff on him while he's bleeding the

11:13

shit He's saying mommy mommy, you know, whatever

11:15

the fuck he's saying That's

11:17

what I'm talking about. He badass

11:19

that would be badass and then the people

11:21

who did it Now that

11:24

they have another show called 48 hours where

11:26

something happens and you have immediate reaction to 48

11:28

hours You guys are sitting at

11:31

home. Well enjoy you watch a lot of police shows.

11:33

I'm a criminal Yeah You know I sit there going

11:35

this guy fucked up this and my favorite show on

11:37

TV is I almost got away with it And

11:40

they always do it out of Florida with the dumbest

11:42

people in the fucking world live. I Don't

11:44

get it And the show is

11:47

they almost got away with a crime. They almost got

11:49

away with the crime and they show these fucking People

11:51

that are just fucking lunatics. It

11:54

doesn't even take you five minutes to go That

11:57

dudes in Florida somewhere fucking

12:00

And then they show the talent, you're like, damn, it is

12:02

Florida. I don't want to feel like, like,

12:05

you know, but what did, and like, how did they get

12:07

caught? What are they all idiots? Well, they just tell the

12:09

story of them doing something and then they go on a

12:11

run. Right. And they get

12:13

caught while they're on the run and how

12:15

they got caught and, you

12:17

know, who ran them out and it's

12:20

fucking insane. I

12:22

can't even imagine like

12:24

the, like the anxiety of that, like

12:27

going on a run. And

12:29

now they're talking about it. Like,

12:31

isn't it weird that people are talking about all

12:34

this shit? About what? Like, I

12:36

mean, I guess like just the crimes. Like,

12:39

I don't know, like the crime

12:41

podcasts have like blown up. Listen,

12:45

man, it's always been

12:47

an intriguing part of society.

12:50

You know, you said that like what Charles Manson

12:52

did. I read that book like in high school

12:55

and that was a disturbing book. That

12:57

was a disturbing crime. I

13:00

did not like reading it. I don't like the

13:02

song, help the skeleton. I don't like nothing about

13:04

this fucking shit, but

13:07

it was fascinating

13:09

at some point. And then when I got

13:11

into it, I'm like, this ain't as fascinating

13:14

as I thought it would be, you know? Yeah.

13:16

I always loved those

13:18

like locked up shows where like they

13:21

have a documentary crew in prison. I

13:23

don't know. I watched all of them. They had

13:25

like locked up like Nat Geo had a couple

13:27

of them and I just watched one.

13:30

That's great. If you ever see it on

13:32

TV, it's like locked up Boston and it's

13:34

just like the most, like the stereotypical Boston people

13:36

just going crazy in prison. But

13:38

I don't know. I've always been,

13:41

but it's just so

13:43

far out of my realm of like, so

13:45

far this fascinating to people. It's

13:47

like gangsters are fascinating to people.

13:49

Yeah. You know, like all that shit,

13:52

that's why they keep making these shows. And the

13:54

shows are God-awg. Yeah. They keep

13:56

making these shows after the surprise. It was

13:58

very tough to top that. at

14:01

any form you know and

14:04

then he tried to come back with a movie which I

14:06

was in that didn't work out too good there's

14:08

been a couple projects that people you know I

14:10

like the Irishman a few complained about it it

14:13

was just too long it was just too long

14:15

and you know

14:17

it's just a genre that disappeared but still

14:20

every night there's something on that

14:23

geo biography every night

14:25

there's something about mobsters there's a

14:27

show called mobsters there's

14:29

another show that they talk and it's the same

14:31

people over and over 19 fucking 70 and 80

14:33

you know

14:36

these people today don't even know these people

14:38

up they don't even know

14:40

who they are like when you say look they

14:42

released that John Gotti move Richard Walter right even

14:44

if Jesus put a way put play Gotti even

14:47

only got it would have got the same

14:49

response because nobody remembers John Gotti

14:51

that was 1985 right

14:54

if these kids were you know fucking

14:59

in the grunge era they don't remember all that shit

15:01

they were too busy jumping up and down not putting

15:03

the odor in a going to raise

15:05

and shit listen to sound garden you know

15:07

I was I wasn't worried about that shit

15:10

and like do you do you think it's

15:13

still going on to like that level today

15:15

what like you're talking about those

15:17

people who is gonna be crying Lee

15:19

the well there's always a black market

15:21

for things there's always gonna

15:24

create something you

15:26

know I think about pills and how there's

15:29

a big problem with them in pharmacies but then

15:31

again at the same time there's a black market

15:33

for them when they get out the

15:35

black market people

15:37

I I would imagine people selling them selling

15:40

them stuff like that but there's still there's

15:42

got to be a leak somewhere to get everybody hooked

15:45

so it's like every

15:48

level of stuff there's no more listen you can't

15:50

use a credit card unless you use it online

15:53

okay so you don't face to face anymore and

15:55

use a credit card don't pinch you in ten

15:58

minutes there's cameras there's live cameras,

16:00

there's everything in the store. I

16:02

went to my daughter's softball game a couple

16:04

days ago. I'm sitting there. I

16:07

parked by a McDonald's because I was waiting

16:09

to get parking. I just parked

16:11

by a McDonald's when I was looking at the field.

16:14

And I wasn't doing any crime at all. I was

16:16

smoking. I was a piston. I'm just sitting

16:18

there looking at the sky. And

16:20

I noticed how many cameras were at

16:23

McDonald's. I

16:25

noticed how many cameras were next to it, like

16:27

a change of oil thing. I was

16:29

like a change of oil thing. And I'm just looking at

16:31

the cameras. I looked across the

16:33

street. There was a Popeyes chicken. Cameras

16:36

everywhere. So they're showing you

16:39

these 13 in-your-face

16:42

cameras. And then you have to ask

16:45

yourself, how many cameras are

16:47

really out on the street? I mean, with ring

16:49

cameras, now every house has a camera. Every ring

16:51

camera. So you bust into the front, the door,

16:53

the back. There's a ring camera in

16:55

the neighborhood that's going to pick you up. So

16:58

all those type of crimes, those are high end,

17:00

like not high end. Those

17:02

are like low percentage crimes, because there's a

17:05

high percentage. You're going to get caught. Right.

17:08

You're going to get caught. You're going into somebody's

17:10

house. These people doing break-ins

17:12

into people's homes now in the

17:14

area. It's fucking crazy.

17:16

There will always be a mafia. There will

17:19

always be a Russian mob. There

17:21

will always be a triad. There will always be

17:23

a Yakuza. There will always be,

17:25

you know, what

17:27

is a fucking whino. Yeah, it's just

17:29

crazy. Like I'll be I'll live my entire

17:32

life and never know. Like

17:34

I'm like near like I just say it's like

17:36

that world will never be something I understand. No,

17:40

you're not supposed to understand. You're supposed to leave this

17:42

world and standing yourself and your

17:44

path and your journey. The world, if you sit

17:46

here and try to

17:48

figure it out, especially in today's

17:50

world, you're going to have a heart attack.

17:53

You know, again, there's so much

17:56

information thrown at you on

17:58

a daily fucking basis. That's

18:00

why people losing their minds. Yeah, that's

18:02

why people losing their minds right in

18:05

front of you weather minutes snappin They

18:07

just fired Rob, Marcy and open wide.

18:10

I don't know he had an anger tantrum This

18:12

a man. There's a lot of pressure on the American

18:15

right now. Now. You got

18:17

a vote. That's pressure this summer Fucking

18:20

everything is high gas this that

18:23

People like what we can't go to fucking Florida this

18:25

year We can't go to Disney this year. We're

18:28

not the right the fucking tent like with the intruders

18:31

what do you call these people? The

18:34

migrants the campus fucking

18:36

writers. Oh them. I'm a

18:38

little encampments and shit, you know It's

18:42

it's gonna be tough and people are

18:45

angry. They get information thrown at them

18:47

You know, you you know that I came down here.

18:50

I think I was a blade like Cool

18:53

15, you know, I was up late one

18:55

night Like I'm down.

18:57

I'm going to the channel And

19:00

it's 12 15 at night Give

19:03

it a break. There was still

19:05

three political shows on the young

19:07

ones about the protesters ones

19:10

about the Trump hush money

19:13

and the other ones about the fucking Jews and

19:15

you're like 1215

19:17

at night It's 1215. I

19:20

put a commercial on when you sell fucking you

19:23

know purses to whatever I don't give a

19:25

fuck but it's 1215 at night and There's

19:29

times I've been on the road and you

19:31

fall asleep and wake up at five

19:33

and it's a political show and they're

19:35

arguing It's five in the fucking morning.

19:38

The last thing I want to do is wake

19:40

up at five in the fucking morning Listen, it's

19:42

this my life is this simple now. There's

19:44

something's going to disturb me I

19:47

look at my whoop wise if my stress

19:49

level goes up. That's it. I moved the

19:51

fuck on I Control

19:53

my life through whoop now. I ain't fucking

19:55

around no more. There's no me I was

19:57

thinking I wonder how this wouldn't affect your stress

20:01

So I went I did a show last night.

20:03

Okay, but the venue had

20:05

like gender like like Completely

20:07

gender-neutral bathroom. So it was either one room

20:09

with urinals and one one with stalls I

20:12

had to take it like I had to take a shit and

20:15

they're like, what? I I didn't

20:17

know what I've never shit with a woman in the room

20:20

before they smelled it before they

20:22

got dead They got grandpas and they got

20:24

everything uncles. Would you do that? What do

20:26

you like what would you go to a

20:28

bathroom? It's a gender-share bathroom. Yeah, absolutely Listen,

20:32

I don't go to the bathroom at the airport

20:34

regular people go. They got those little side bathroom

20:37

Yeah, look for them. You're going there

20:39

by yourself. They got one for you and your kid. That's

20:41

the first one I know I'll

20:44

fucking take my pants off take a tremendous

20:46

shit wipe your luggage is there

20:48

You can watch a movie in there tonight's

20:50

bathroom and you don't smell somebody

20:52

else's nonsense Because when you

20:54

walk into a bathroom at an airport, that's

20:57

worth for you to smoke in 20 cigarettes Here

21:00

as you walk in as a man

21:02

to a men's bathroom in any fucking

21:04

state Especially like a

21:06

good morning. Well, you're gonna get hit with in your

21:08

nose Is 20 different

21:11

shit odors and when you walk out of

21:13

there? You don't even

21:15

fucking know what's going on for a minute. You're

21:18

like, what the fuck was that? I I refuse

21:20

to go to a bathroom in those places. Really?

21:22

Yeah I

21:24

go to the fucking transgender bathroom bathroom

21:28

with the fucking With

21:31

the kid, you know, it's his family

21:33

bathroom. That's me that this Joey's

21:35

bathroom. That's me. That's your lounge You're not a

21:37

family. Yes. I am my wife and kid over

21:39

there and they came in

21:41

first. We all peed together They left. All

21:44

right. That's an American family mind your business. I

21:46

swear to God. I won't if you look at

21:48

any terminal You'll see

21:51

them. Oh, I've seen or you thought you

21:53

had to be a fan one people Just don't go

21:55

in them because they think they're gonna throw you under

21:57

the jam. Yeah Go with him Has

22:01

anyone ever said shit to you? One time

22:03

I walked out of the bathroom and there

22:05

was like a family from some

22:07

other country and they were smelling,

22:09

I just blew a tremendous flood in the whole

22:12

thing. I just got off a plane. That's

22:14

what it was. I just got off a plane to LAX.

22:17

It was early. I was holding it

22:19

in because I'm not going to shit in the bathroom

22:21

on a plane. You wouldn't do

22:24

that? No, that's embarrassing. What do

22:26

you mean what happened to them? No, that's

22:28

why you don't go to Popeye's Chicken before you

22:30

fly. Sometimes it's... You only have nothing that you

22:32

could take a chance before you fly. What do

22:34

you mean you have to? You have to in

22:36

your house. In your house. You drink that.

22:40

You get up half hour early, you drink that

22:42

coffee, you flush your system, you go

22:44

in the fucking bathroom, you take your little hoist shit and then

22:46

you get in the car and you fly to the airport or

22:48

whatever the fuck you're going to do. Click

22:50

your heels. I don't fucking know. Yeah, but sometimes you

22:52

have to take a shit. I don't do it a

22:55

lot. Like, would you shit your

22:57

pants on a plane? No,

22:59

I've never been in that position. Knock

23:01

on wood. I can't

23:03

imagine not shitting... About, about. Not

23:06

this time, like three times ago

23:09

when I went to Austin, I'm

23:12

sitting there and this chick didn't move the

23:15

whole flight. Like she sat next to me and just put

23:18

like a bunch of towels on her head and

23:20

fucking blankets and I was like, this is

23:22

the weirdest thing ever. The girl came

23:24

to serve us breakfast. She didn't want breakfast. Finally,

23:28

we're like an hour from landing, 45 minutes

23:31

from landing. This girl gets up and

23:33

goes in that bathroom. I

23:35

tell you how long she was in there for.

23:38

There was four fucking people waiting for like 20

23:40

minutes. And this

23:42

girl came out, everybody came out of that bathroom. The

23:44

bathroom was like, what? I actually went back. I

23:47

went in there like up to six people and there was still

23:49

blood in the bathroom. This

23:52

chick had a kid in the bathroom and there

23:54

was only complaint to the store that the

23:56

bathroom was a fucking

23:58

mess. Yeah,

24:00

there's blood all over the bat. There's blood on

24:02

the back of the toilet seat like a rass

24:04

all exploded. I don't know what happened. I don't

24:06

want to know. I

24:09

just can't. Listen, I'll

24:11

take a dump in a family bathroom. It's

24:14

big. They got their fans in there. You

24:17

know, they try. But all

24:19

those other places, when you sit in that stall, first

24:21

of all, as soon as you sit in that stall,

24:23

200 people with ass cheeks

24:25

on their stall with rashes, pimples on their

24:28

asses and now you're going

24:30

to look at your face.

24:34

I try not to think about it. Some guy

24:36

sits on the toilet on a whitehead and

24:38

when he lands, the whitehead explodes. You

24:41

come in after that and sit on that

24:43

fucking toilet. And then you put your balls

24:45

in the water with 400,000 men just put

24:48

their balls in the water. So

24:50

now when your sweet wife sniffs your balls, she

24:52

sniffs the balls of 40,000 fucking men. What

24:56

do you think? All this is preventable. That's what

24:59

I go into the fucking handicap

25:01

bathroom. But you still have balls in the handicap bathroom.

25:03

No, I don't. I never put my balls

25:06

in the toilet. What trick do you

25:08

use in the family room? Like,

25:12

why can't you always do that in the regular population?

25:14

I put my balls in my nuts in case somebody

25:16

drops a bomb on the airport. You

25:20

got to be prepared, Lee. I guess so. What's with

25:22

the questions anyway? Anyway,

25:25

what's going on in the world of comedy this week?

25:28

This is definitely an exciting week. I

25:31

have a show tonight at Williamsburg

25:33

Comedy Club. But then to

25:36

do... I'm doing

25:39

six shows with like

25:42

any of the funniest people. But

25:44

like my

25:46

friends, I don't know if you remember, but

25:48

it was you, Steve, and I at the

25:50

Wilbur. It's like to do shows with you

25:52

guys again. It's going to

25:54

be awesome. And then join Philadelphia with Josh.

25:57

That's why I'm excited because it's me, you and Steve.

26:00

And the family, I could giggle, we could

26:02

get high on the way there, even tell

26:04

stories on the way back. People have no,

26:06

you know, but what are you

26:08

gonna do again? Never. I don't know. I

26:11

don't fucking know. You know,

26:13

people call me like, you didn't tell me, I didn't know.

26:16

Me and Lee had a conversation. He told me, he

26:18

reminded me, because I tell Lee all the time, remind

26:21

me to wake up. You

26:23

tell me May 15th, I'm like, okay, yeah.

26:26

And all of a sudden, May 15th comes along,

26:28

and nobody reminds me of shit. You

26:31

know, and so as you

26:34

called, you're down, like, all right, so where are you? He said,

26:36

he is there, and I looked around, and

26:38

I asked Simone, and Simone was like, I could come up, and

26:41

I go, fuck it. Let's just book. We

26:43

go in there, we do what we got, and we get the fuck

26:45

out of there. I ain't got 45 minutes. I'm

26:50

doing a tell 30. That's

26:52

all you need. And listen, that's all I got,

26:54

but I get out with you guys. I

26:57

get to come, I get to watch you, see

27:00

what the fuck you're up to, you know, and it's nice. I

27:02

get out of the house, I get out of the house a

27:04

couple nights this week. My bocce

27:06

ball week starts up Tuesday. Hey, Ellen's

27:08

again? Yeah. Fucking Wednesday

27:11

night, I got the thing. Thursday night, I

27:13

got the thing. So I'm pretty fucking excited

27:15

this week. I get to get out, that's

27:17

it. The sun's gonna start coming out again.

27:20

So, you know, I'm

27:23

good. That's awesome. I

27:27

started like Ozumpic

27:29

this week, not like the generic

27:31

version. Cause you were talking about how expensive

27:33

things are? Like I

27:35

tried to get like the name ran 1100 a month.

27:40

I couldn't. It's ridiculous what

27:42

they're doing with it now. And all you have

27:44

to do, anybody

27:47

could order, they're

27:50

called peptides. Okay,

27:52

I get peptides. Oh,

27:54

that's what it is? That's single mold tube, whatever they say.

27:57

Is a peptide white chip. And there's another one.

28:00

like 157, which

28:02

repairs tissue and promotes recovery.

28:05

They have thousands of peptides. If

28:08

you go to the right people, they'll get

28:11

the peptides from a notable company,

28:14

not the people on Instagram and

28:16

fucking, you know, a notable

28:18

company. Somebody that they

28:20

trust that they worked with before and

28:22

they could shoot you for a third of the cost.

28:24

That's what people have no idea. And

28:27

I got lucky because I found like, she's

28:29

smart. I looked her up. The

28:31

woman who's I'm doing it through is

28:34

a registered nurse with the university of Miami

28:36

and all she does now is she has like

28:38

a little, like our old office basis, she

28:41

just sits there. The first time she teaches

28:43

you how to do this, you have to do the shot

28:45

yourself, which is terrifying, but

28:49

it was literally a third of the price. And

28:52

it's, it was only my first time, but

28:55

I did notice a

28:58

difference in like how I felt, which is

29:01

no, no, my guess. What

29:05

am I supposed to do? What you do is take

29:07

some of these ABX capsules. I'm going to shoot you

29:09

next time. Tell her she would have dose

29:11

of that. So that goes into yourself. So you're not a

29:13

week. That's the future. I

29:15

think that might be the first OD. What?

29:18

ABX edibles? No, not

29:20

ABX specifically, but shooting

29:23

up an animal. It's a joke. I know

29:25

it's a joke. I'm from joining. But the

29:27

future is coming. Somebody's

29:29

going to put together a THC, IV,

29:33

any day. There's a

29:35

kid in fucking Russia,

29:37

Germany, Puerto Rico. There's a kid

29:39

right now. It's like, listen, there's a better way

29:41

to do this. You

29:43

know, the marijuana industry didn't get

29:45

better by people not trying to

29:48

see outlet, you know, two years ago, we

29:51

had THC inhalers that they

29:53

worked. Not really, but at

29:55

least somebody gave it a try, you know, and that's

29:57

what's going to happen. None of those IV companies have.

30:00

like a THC drip you would think they were.

30:02

Not yet. I don't

30:04

think you could shoot THC into your blood

30:06

sugar. I'm not sure. I'm not a doctor.

30:08

I'm a fucking stoner and I'm a R

30:11

rated comic. So don't fucking

30:13

you know. Yeah well

30:15

Joey said you could know. I used to say that

30:17

next thing you know you're drinking bleach because fucking Trump

30:19

told you to. I was just thinking that. Do you

30:21

remember that? And it's like don't man you have to

30:24

give fucking 20 times you have to tell people. But

30:27

people have done weirdest things. I mean what's his

30:29

name's snorted ass. Right.

30:31

Well I have and they have like because

30:33

I did a show at one in Minneapolis. It was

30:36

like a weed. It was a bar. Like all they

30:38

had was edible drinks and they had tinctures and they

30:40

made it into drinks. But you would think they're

30:42

gonna have that with everything. Did you ever drink a

30:44

tincture? Yeah. You know we

30:46

did. Yeah we did everything. You would.

30:48

But you would. You're supposed to put them in the

30:51

water and you would just shoot kind of our mouths.

30:53

You would just have to open up. Like someone said

30:55

eight ounces of water. What are you fucking deluded for?

30:58

It's supposed to be like a sip. A

31:01

sip. It's not a sip. I did it

31:03

one morning like at 10

31:05

in the morning somebody put in water

31:07

correctly. Right. With club soda or something.

31:09

I drank and like three hours later

31:12

I'm like that ain't shit.

31:14

About seven hours later I was like what

31:18

have I done. Yeah. I was

31:20

pretty whacked up. I was pretty

31:22

fucking whacked up. I

31:25

was thinking about you on the drive up. What

31:29

like if you were gonna rank your

31:31

favorite. What would like what would

31:33

be your favorite? Weed, marshmallows. What like is

31:36

there one that like you love more? Listen I've

31:39

always loved the feeling of marijuana. What

31:41

it does for me. That's always been

31:43

my since I'm

31:45

21. I'm like I don't think I could

31:48

live without it. I made

31:50

a constant decision like listen

31:52

now I get up in the mornings

31:56

the first four bonkets knock my wig off

31:58

but they get me. me

32:00

going, they get me in the shower, they get me to

32:02

eat breakfast, they get me to the gym.

32:05

Maybe I'll do two buns before the gym that'll get

32:07

me to the gym. After

32:09

that, I'm just chasing. You

32:12

know, if I take a breather from it and then

32:14

at night, if I switch endictions,

32:18

then I'll get high again for a little while

32:21

for the 8 o'clock TB rush. Maybe

32:24

enough to get me to eat. So

32:30

if you didn't get high, you

32:33

wouldn't have the motivation to do things? I

32:38

didn't say that. It's something like

32:40

that, but it's a very, it

32:43

plans out my day for me. It

32:46

really does let me know, you

32:49

know, I'm sick of saying this, but

32:52

it's the truth. It's

32:55

a great feeling. Pot

32:57

doesn't make you lazy. It just

33:00

makes you realize that what

33:02

you're going to do ain't worth the fucking effort.

33:05

That's a great joke. That's a

33:07

great joke. And the reason why it's so

33:09

great is because it's very true. At

33:11

least for somebody like me, it never made me

33:13

lazy. You've seen me. I go

33:16

to work, Jack, but it

33:18

levels out my day. Like right away, my

33:21

day becomes a schedule. Okay,

33:23

this schedule starts. Let me go for a walk.

33:26

It's 80 degrees. Let me go for

33:28

a walk. Let me get a little vitamin D to get the

33:30

blood going. I know. I got to send

33:32

an email. I know. I got to

33:34

put this audition on tape. I know. I

33:36

got to put a podcast. I got a thousand things to do, but

33:38

it's 80 degrees. Let

33:41

me get out, move a little bit, get a little vitamin

33:43

D. Ba-boom, clear, shift.

33:46

You got an idea why you're

33:48

walking. Drop your phone, the memo,

33:51

and keep walking. Yeah,

33:53

with weed, I don't

33:55

have any of that. That's

33:58

the morning meditation for me. And

34:00

then my day gets planned

34:02

out. And what

34:04

I don't want to do gets eliminated. That

34:07

weed gives me the motivation

34:09

to put together a lie. Get

34:12

out of whatever situation I'm in that

34:14

day to make my day run

34:16

smoother. Because sometimes I

34:18

plan a bunch of shit, you

34:21

know, one at a time, you know, 12. I

34:24

got out of that 12. I got out of that one. I

34:26

come home, take a shower. I got something at two. I

34:29

have two 30 and I have to be home

34:31

from Mercy at three 15. Something's

34:33

got to break. So maybe

34:35

the two 30 guy, listen, we'll do it

34:37

tomorrow. Maybe the two o'clock. We'll

34:40

do it tomorrow. When people call me to have

34:42

meetings, I always don't make a day

34:44

meeting. I go, let's talk. That

34:47

night, let's talk the night before. So

34:49

I know where to put it. But when I wake up

34:52

in the morning, is when I go, this

34:54

is what I'm doing. And this

34:57

is what I'm not doing. I've been going up north

34:59

for three months. I

35:01

have not been in North Bergen

35:03

since February. Cliffside

35:07

Park, Rudy since February. Once

35:10

a week I wake up and I go, today's the day I

35:13

go up north. I got to go to

35:15

my mother's cemetery. I got to do this. I got to see

35:17

this guy. I get

35:19

up, I look around, I ain't going up

35:21

north. That's an hour drive up and back.

35:24

And I'm in the car and it's nice out. You

35:28

know, we live in a fucking, I live

35:30

in Jersey dog and the

35:33

weekend sucks. The

35:35

weekends are beautiful. I've never

35:37

seen anything like this in all

35:39

of my goddamn life. Why do the

35:41

weekends suck? Because it rains. Every

35:44

week? Like

35:47

clockwork. One

35:49

of the two days. Look

35:51

at yesterday, it

35:54

rains. Like half

35:56

the day it was cloudy. Today, it's a day

35:58

of rain. It's

36:00

gonna be fucking 80 degrees, maybe 90.

36:04

Then it rains Wednesday, Thursday, a

36:07

little Friday off, and then Saturday and

36:10

Sunday again. Now, yeah,

36:12

one of those days we'll get sunlight, but

36:15

you better bet your ass that it ain't

36:17

gonna be Saturday or Sunday. Last weekend was

36:19

nice. I got such

36:21

a sunburn last week that

36:24

it burnt through my skin here and on

36:26

my face. I couldn't even put

36:28

my sleep out in here, man. I still got

36:30

scabs falling off my fucking forehead. The sun, at

36:33

least I built the fucking layer of skin under

36:35

there. You did that last

36:37

week. I don't think that's how skin works. Anyway,

36:39

it doesn't matter. Do I look like a doctor? No, no,

36:41

no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a rated comic

36:44

and I'm a stoner and I'm a dad. Thank God. What

36:46

I wanted to talk to you about was

36:48

really happening in town last week. I

36:52

keep thinking that people keep using this as a

36:55

crutch. What

36:58

Seinfeld said, quite a bit stifled, he's

37:02

promoting the show. So obviously he's been going on

37:04

interviews and he's been very vocal. I

37:08

haven't listened to anything I went through this, but I

37:10

did read where he said that piece of comedy is

37:13

done or something like that because of the little

37:15

correctness on the left or the right, which

37:18

to this day at 61, I don't know

37:20

what the left or the right is, but that doesn't really give a

37:22

fuck. And

37:24

it's really crazy when I hear that statement because

37:27

there was a period for

37:29

about three months that I thought about

37:32

standup comedy. I wasn't doing it. All

37:38

I got is standup. You know what I'm

37:40

saying? It's like I collect butterflies. It's

37:43

not like I go hunting. It's not like I, this

37:46

was, I was a student of comedy. I'm very proud

37:48

to say I was always a very

37:50

good student of comedy. Before

37:53

I got on stage, I had fear

37:56

before I went out and got on a professional

37:58

stage. When I was behind jail, I had no fear.

38:00

because there was nobody watching except a bunch

38:02

of criminals. But when it was time

38:04

to really get on stage, I

38:07

prepared how I thought was best.

38:09

And I watched, it was

38:12

a stand up. Hours and

38:14

hours of stand up. And I read

38:16

books and I tried

38:19

to write. And I went to

38:21

comedy shows. Like when I got into comedies, when

38:23

I started really going to comedy and watching people

38:26

and going, oh shit, and then I went to a

38:28

couple comedy shows and said, this guy's terrible. I

38:31

don't know what these people are talking about. I

38:33

may be doing comedy for six months, but this

38:35

is a horror show. But

38:39

I've always been a fucking student of

38:41

the game. And I really appreciate clean

38:44

comedy. John Mulaney is one of my favorites.

38:47

And I appreciate Andrew.

38:49

I appreciate Dennis. I

38:51

appreciate Hicks. I

38:54

appreciate a lot of fucking guys. Fun

38:59

as a comic. Somewhere

39:02

in the podcast era, when

39:05

you do something with TV, you forget

39:07

the essence of comedy. The

39:10

essence of comedy is an outlaw. We

39:13

were always known as outlaws. There

39:15

was a room. It was Burlesque, a

39:19

fucking magician that wanted to fucking

39:21

rape some lads, because

39:23

they're always wanted for rape magician. They

39:26

hate magicians. No, I don't hate them, but they

39:29

make them disappear. And then you

39:32

had comedians, and they each had their, who

39:35

was an alcoholic, this. And then

39:37

you put that up in Wardville, and you look at

39:39

the essence of a comic and what, you know, they

39:42

found stones with people doing comedy and

39:44

the fucking cavemen

39:47

and shit doing fucking whatever. So

39:49

it's been around. Entertainment's been around

39:51

forever. And

39:54

all this comedy, and I'm like, it's

39:59

like going. out with a gun and

40:02

putting two securities on it. Like

40:05

putting the security on the trigger and

40:07

then having to take your key out before

40:10

the guy shoots you to unlock the

40:12

thing, to double check. You

40:15

know, comics have been tippy-toeing

40:17

a lot around that. And

40:19

when I got back on stage, I

40:22

didn't tippy-toe and I got to be

40:24

honest with you, right off the bat I got a couple of

40:26

mixed reactions. And

40:28

it like threw me for a loop. Like

40:31

I was like, this quick, like

40:33

this quick it changed the time.

40:36

Was it people who didn't know you, do you think? Yes

40:40

and no. Like when I went to do the

40:42

thing with Burr, I went off

40:44

a little bit and I could see people in

40:46

the front like just petrified. I'm like, I'm in

40:48

New Jersey. Wow. Okay.

40:51

And then I did something with Atlantic

40:53

City was a washout with Joe. I

40:56

just bombed, but

40:58

there was something I did. Oh,

41:04

okay. And what happened

41:06

there? Did you think everyone there would love you? A

41:10

lot of audience members did, but there was a

41:12

lot of younger people never looked like looking at

41:14

me. And that's my biggest insecurity as a comic

41:16

today. Young people? I said I look old.

41:18

No, I look old and I shouldn't

41:20

be there. When a 23 year old

41:23

goes up there and talks about sex, it's

41:26

acceptable because he's 23. I'm

41:28

a 61 year old so I always tiptoe around

41:30

sex. I don't talk about sex no more. It's

41:34

gross. It's gross to me when a guy my

41:36

age goes up there. Why? If I want to grow,

41:39

like I have, I've been writing this thing

41:41

where I have sexual fantasies. I

41:43

just can't fulfill them. Right. That's funny. I'm a

41:45

bum. I'm a bum when it comes to that.

41:49

You know, I'll bring my wife down. She'll tell

41:51

yourself. So, uh,

41:53

six time for a mushroom. A

41:55

little dummy. We just, we already took some mushrooms.

41:57

No, we took two pieces of fucking. Yeah,

42:00

too. How about we gonna eat the whole

42:02

box to get warmed up. This is silly

42:04

guys. The flavor is this

42:06

Louie Louie. Oh, yeah Four

42:09

grams and eat back. No, this is just a

42:11

little piece. What's the matter? Well, and these are

42:13

four grams This isn't four grams. No, that's why

42:15

I said why is it why is it already?

42:19

No, I'll give you a full Yeah,

42:22

oh, this is good Can't

42:25

walk on one leg it's Tuesday seven

42:28

the mile I Feel

42:35

that When

42:39

I was talking to a comic Sunday morning I'm

42:45

not gonna fucking sit here drop name He

42:49

called me to ask me about some Who

42:53

would discuss in cat Williams special How

42:57

he had the ideas but he didn't pull the trigger It's

43:02

very weird when you when

43:04

you're a young comic and you have nothing You

43:07

know when you start now, it's right. I've seen

43:09

young comics say shit. I was like, oh And

43:13

then they're never allowed to work at the club again

43:15

at the open mic. It's coffee shop and they're doing

43:17

something weird. Yeah but

43:21

When you've worked this hard to lose it

43:25

For saying a joke or whatever. I

43:28

mean, I feel I've always thought that

43:30

cat Williams is Michael Jackson bit Is

43:32

one of the best bits of all time? It's a

43:34

fucking 10-minute rant That

43:37

is brilliant on every fucking level how he

43:39

broke it down if

43:41

you're gonna talk about somebody break down the

43:43

levels and Build them

43:45

together and draw a picture and he did

43:47

that opens up with him talking about little

43:50

Kim not being a snitch And

43:52

it turns into Michael Jackson then it closes

43:54

with him bringing women to his house with

43:56

alizae and pillows It's

43:58

a great bit Because he pulled

44:01

the trigger and he pulled the trigger in front

44:03

of a black audience on Michael Jackson Which

44:06

really chopped him down the middle and he kept pushing

44:08

it until he kind of won him 60 40

44:11

and then he closed with that It

44:14

wasn't an even not only did he do it

44:16

in front of a black audience? I don't

44:18

remember the year the special came up. It was my goal life Yeah,

44:21

it was a different time like now like people would

44:23

still get up there now. It was alive and ticket.

44:25

That's like that's And

44:27

that's and that's what I was gonna say is not

44:29

that open mics. I'm an open maker We

44:31

should be allowed to say what we want, but the difference

44:34

that I've seen is Open

44:36

micers will say something like

44:38

almost just to get the like the response is

44:40

a shot And

44:43

it's a natural thing to do because if

44:45

you're an open micron, I see you up to four

44:47

or five times You're not taking those shots That

44:51

this is all part of it and one

44:53

time you're gonna take those shots to the cool And

44:56

one time you're gonna go over the level like I'm sure I

44:58

did. Mm-hmm I'm very positive, but

45:00

I went over a level one night Could

45:03

have been in Seattle and I don't remember at

45:05

the contest At the

45:07

Seattle comedy competition. It could have been anywhere because

45:09

that's where I learned my things and then I

45:12

would look at people Well, I

45:14

wouldn't say that even though I you know

45:16

what I talk about I will look at people say I

45:18

wouldn't go that way and if you're gonna go that way

45:20

make it a little bit more colorful you

45:23

know PC is what you

45:25

want it to be and where you're at. I Respect

45:29

the hell out of Nate Bargart see,

45:31

you know, he does fucking Great

45:34

clean comedy man. He

45:36

looks good up there, you know his delivery

45:40

You know, he he only

45:42

does comedy that everybody could go watch

45:46

And I respect that I respect the hell out

45:48

of that I've never bad-mouthed

45:50

a clean comic way to like

45:52

that magician. Yeah, not a

45:57

Clean comic that does magic. Yeah, how bad

45:59

mouth of? His dad is a magician,

46:01

just so you know. Nate Bargazzi's dad is

46:03

a magician. Yeah. I didn't know that. But

46:07

Nate Bargazzi's brilliant. Oh, he likes his shows.

46:09

He's got arenas now, and

46:11

he's doing these perfect shows, and it

46:14

works for him. But I guess

46:16

that's sort of like why I asked

46:18

you if the people who had that

46:20

reaction to you were like your fans, because

46:22

that really... No, they weren't my

46:24

fans. I was just starting out. Oh! But I'm

46:26

just saying, like, you build your audience. I was

46:28

in the room three years ago. Listen, man, I

46:30

go out some nights, and

46:33

I've been home for three days, you

46:35

know, talking to an 11-year-old and my wife,

46:38

my neighbor, whoever I talked to at the gym,

46:40

who I talked to in Jiu-Jitsu. And

46:43

everybody's pretty, you know, kind of, every once in a

46:45

while I could say some crazy shit. But

46:48

for the most part, some nights I go out

46:50

to Uncle Vinny's, and

46:52

in some nights I go out there like a fucking

46:54

animal. I've been in the house for fucking four nights.

46:57

So as soon as I get down there,

46:59

after that joint, after that drive, listen to

47:01

Madonna burning up over and over or Alice

47:03

in Chains, when I get out

47:06

stage, I jump on them. And I forget that

47:08

they only had two guys before them, only

47:11

doing like that piece, you know? And

47:13

I could see their faces. It's like, what

47:15

a fucking... And I open up with something,

47:18

just because I want them to know what

47:20

time it is. I don't

47:22

want no charades. I was never a charade guy.

47:25

I want you to know what time it

47:27

is. So I fucking come

47:30

out with something that they go, huh? And

47:33

I put the way I say it, it's

47:35

with my heart and my balls. So

47:38

they never have a, at least I

47:40

commit to it. Right. And,

47:43

but it's also not, like I felt it was

47:45

hate. That takes 10 years and it's not filled

47:47

with hate. There's a smile on

47:49

my face. I'm giggling,

47:51

I'm baffled. You know, I'm

47:53

back, but I'm not gonna go up there and say, duh,

47:55

duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh,

47:58

duh, duh, duh, it's like people... with

48:00

hecklers okay i'm not in

48:02

business to get into an argument with heckler i'm

48:06

not i've never been in that business i've made

48:08

some mistakes i've

48:10

made some really bad mistakes but

48:13

they're all justifiable but i've never based my

48:15

act on that i'm

48:17

getting heckled yeah like i never

48:20

based my act on open fighting

48:22

with hecklers but there was one

48:24

night i was opening up a joe man

48:26

and some fucking guy didn't like joe he

48:29

didn't like any of us and

48:32

he told his wife he was gonna go drinking with

48:34

his friends and right before the

48:36

show he came with his girlfriend with his

48:38

wife and her girlfriends so

48:41

he was just pissed and he was just there and

48:43

fucking let's wait till little

48:45

short joe rogan comes on stage and all

48:47

this shit so i think duncan opened

48:49

the show and i went up after duncan he started

48:51

on me and i

48:53

knew what i like i had already broken him

48:55

down i was watching him i

48:57

knew what he was doing there was eight women in him and

49:00

he was hammered that means

49:02

he was his friends but he couldn't believe

49:04

his girlfriend was going out to see joe

49:06

rogan this is 15 years

49:09

ago before

49:11

i met you it was me ari and

49:13

joe at either the

49:15

brea or the urbine improv i'm

49:19

watching them and we're going this is the

49:21

type of fucking dude that his

49:23

dad didn't whip him with a belt look

49:26

at this he's upset because his girlfriend wants

49:28

to go i can see if she said

49:30

i'm going to spiel 54 i'd be upset

49:33

it's girl's night we're going to spiel 54 in

49:35

a limo you know uh

49:37

lisa's boyfriend owns a hotel in

49:39

the city and i'm like oh here we go

49:42

but if you're going to a county show

49:44

then they're going right back to lisa they probably had a

49:46

kid together girl they took

49:48

him out arrested him they

49:50

fucking threw him on a cop car and

49:53

as he was leaving the

49:56

wife was outside crying and

49:58

she goes he did this a month ago Oh

50:00

no. So why do you incite

50:02

this guy? Stay home or get a new

50:04

boyfriend. Well

50:07

that's, and luckily that's not

50:10

PC. Like, unfortunately people are just

50:12

fucking drunk. Yeah,

50:15

yeah, people are drunk, but I

50:17

think a comic, especially young comics,

50:19

because I know a lot of comics listen

50:21

to this podcast, I know that you're out

50:23

there talking to them, is for right now

50:25

do your shit. Do

50:28

you. It's very hard to

50:30

do and it's

50:33

very hard to become and be

50:38

you. It takes

50:40

time, but it takes a lot of work because

50:44

we're forgetting, like if you get into comedy

50:47

at 28, 32, you're still developing as a

50:49

man. So,

50:54

but the one thing that needs to develop is

50:56

if you're going to go up there and say something that's

50:59

on PC and you know it, you

51:02

know it already, you're not a fucking moron, at

51:05

least code it, code it a

51:07

little bit more and say it

51:09

confidently, like this is your belief. You

51:13

really fucking believe this, you

51:16

know, because if not, they're going to see right through it and

51:19

they might not disagree with you or

51:23

agree with you, but they respect

51:25

that you had a voice. It's

51:27

fun because you were, I don't

51:30

feel like I have the personality

51:32

to be as dirty

51:34

or even like swear as much

51:36

as you. I'm

51:38

not a clean comic by any means, but

51:41

I don't know, when I see you

51:43

and I see me, I don't think I can say fuck

51:45

that much and have it be believable.

51:49

So I've been working on stuff like that. If

51:53

I say something like that with confidence, I don't know,

51:55

it seems false to me. I

51:58

got a lot of fucking. emails

52:01

on Patreon, Facebook, you

52:04

know, the winner. Not

52:07

that many on Instagram from people like

52:09

with comedy shit. Okay. And

52:12

people ask me simple questions that

52:15

if they would have asked me when I was doing comedy

52:17

eight years or 10 years, I would have been stumped. But

52:20

I understood the journey now a

52:22

lot better than I did 20 years ago. And

52:26

part of the journey is getting to know you so

52:29

you can represent you the best way you can on

52:31

stage. And you might not

52:33

always get laps, but at

52:35

least you're working on the best muscle you

52:37

can, which is being you. I

52:40

don't want you to go up there and say you don't like tuna

52:42

fish if you eat tuna fish. Right.

52:45

I don't want you to go up there and make up a joke, like up

52:48

there and fake that you don't like when your

52:51

wife has orgasm. And you don't have a wife.

52:53

And you don't have a wife. You know, a

52:55

thousand things. It took me

52:57

years to get away from the cocaine

52:59

chitter chatter. And I did

53:02

for years. And guess what? I brought them back

53:04

this year a little bit and I'm having fun

53:06

with it because now I look at it a

53:09

lot differently than when I

53:11

looked at being off coke eight years ago. It's

53:14

been 17 years. And now I look at it

53:16

completely different the shit I was doing

53:20

at the end of fucking, you know, it

53:22

was just, and I

53:24

glass. I made it funny in my head.

53:27

It's like, if you watch Scarface enough, it becomes

53:30

a comedy. And hold

53:33

on one second. Let's go to a word from

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our sponsors. We'll be right back. We

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want to talk to you this week about better health.

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I'll see you in a minute. Hey, Uncle Joey

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got its little things, and I got mine, and

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we're gonna have to meet halfway in the middle.

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55:31

let's get back to the show and leave

55:33

and do whatever we were doing. We're back,

55:35

Jack! Anyway, we were talking

55:37

about PC or being a comic. Right

55:41

now, I just want you to work your game. It's

55:45

like people who go to Jiu-Jitsu and they're good

55:47

at it and one day you bump into them

55:49

at the supermarket. You're like, what happened? I'm

55:51

scared of getting hurt. Well, if you

55:54

ever got on a bicycle and go downhill, you're

55:56

not scared of falling off the bike and hitting

55:58

your fucking head. These are

56:00

all the chances you take and these are all part

56:03

of growth. This is

56:05

all part of growth. So for a while

56:07

I had a guy in my ear years

56:09

ago, Joey, you're older, you got to

56:11

stop calling it jiu-jitsu, you're going to break this

56:14

and that. And for a while I was believing

56:16

it and I would go to jiu-jitsu and I'm

56:18

like, oh, it's today the damn way. And guess

56:20

what would happen? I'd get hurt because

56:22

if you're going to dwell there, then

56:25

you're going to be there. And

56:27

it's the same with fucking comedy. If

56:30

you're going to go up on stage and worry

56:32

about bombing, you

56:35

know what? You're going to have 10 shows in your life

56:39

that you should worry about bombing. It's

56:41

none of the shit you're doing now. You

56:45

know what I'm saying? Like in 30

56:47

years there was 10 nights that

56:49

my sense mattered. And

56:52

the first 10 years of it, I'm

56:55

lying to you. My show case at the Comedy Store,

56:59

that mattered. My show case for

57:01

the Seattle Comedy Competition, that

57:04

kind of mattered. But

57:06

for 10 years, the first five or

57:08

six, it didn't matter. You're

57:11

at Helen's Comedy Kitchen. Do

57:14

you think somebody's going to come up to you 20

57:16

years from now and go, man, I saw

57:19

you at Helen's Comedy Kitchen, and not you. Wow.

57:23

But that's how you think. I used to get

57:25

pissed if I bombed at Open Mics. No.

57:30

Open Mic, I learned like the 30 years, especially

57:32

when I came to New York. I

57:35

saw it in Denver, guys. I

57:37

was in a very secluded market. It was a

57:39

one comedy. It was Comedy

57:41

Works in Denver, had an Open

57:44

Mic, three minutes. And

57:46

Comedy Works and Fort Collins had an

57:48

Open Mic, three minutes. Nobody

57:51

else was bar shows and fucking

57:53

coffee shops and poetry readings. And

57:57

what we talking about? Bombing.

58:02

No, but going to New York and

58:04

seeing the album mics. So here I

58:06

was secluded in fucking Denver. I knew

58:08

the... And at that time I would drive

58:10

to Kansas City. From Denver? On

58:13

Sunday nights and do the Stafford's Comedy Club. And

58:15

that was a nightmare because a lot

58:17

of times you drove there and you didn't get on stage. Really?

58:21

It was a bucket. However the guy fell. Come on guys,

58:23

please. So you didn't know. So, I was like, I'm gonna

58:25

go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. So

58:28

you didn't know. So I

58:32

came to New York and reality said, and

58:34

when I would walk into a bar and

58:36

go, hi, my name is

58:39

Joey Diaz. I'm visiting here from Denver. I like to do

58:41

a spot. And they're like, absolutely. I was like, really?

58:43

Yeah. It opened with that book. How

58:45

about Thursday? At 6.30. Okay. You

58:48

want to do 10 minutes? Okay. And on the

58:50

way out they go, don't forget. 10

58:53

people for 10 minutes. And you're like, 10 people? What

58:56

the fuck are you talking about? Yeah,

58:59

you gotta bring 10 people. And guess what? I

59:01

did it. I did a stand up in New York. I did

59:03

New York Comedy Club at the time. I

59:05

need you guys. I'm gonna paint you. And they would go,

59:07

okay. And I would do it. But it was so

59:09

easy, but you always had a, there was always a, by

59:11

the way, I'm gonna go to a

59:15

comic strip with Lucius. God rest

59:17

his soul. And he gave me a pamphlet, like a fucking booklet.

59:19

And he's like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

59:22

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm

59:24

gonna go. And he's like, you

59:26

can do spots every night if

59:28

you'd like. You take this, come back when you

59:30

sell them all. And I'm like, what? And

59:33

there were two for one tickets. And

59:35

that's how you got stage time? Yeah, that's how you

59:37

got stage time. For every ticket you sold, you got

59:39

10 seconds. And then if you

59:42

did 10 of them, Lucius would see you. And

59:44

maybe you could be a regular at the club. Come

59:47

on, man. It was a crime.

59:50

So when I went back, I looked and I was

59:52

like, you know, I told you I would do open

59:54

mics at 11 o'clock at night. You're spotted at 2.15.

59:56

2.15 a.m. and you're out.

1:00:00

This is I don't even think there's a late

1:00:02

night open mic in New York. There's a couple not many but

1:00:04

there's like 11 p.m it no

1:00:06

this shit this is when they

1:00:08

started at midnight went till 330 and Sometimes

1:00:11

for to pick up the people book when they came

1:00:13

out of fucking strip club to get a

1:00:15

hand job You'd be on stage and you see a chick's

1:00:18

hand going up and down fucking just Insane,

1:00:21

but once I saw ten months of that

1:00:23

I'm like this shit's gotta

1:00:25

end I gotta go back to Denver because now

1:00:27

I know What my mission

1:00:29

is this is a lot rougher than where I was

1:00:32

For a long time. I'm like damn. I don't get

1:00:35

enough state time. Whoa Nelly. This is

1:00:37

too much state time I have to I

1:00:39

gotta bring too many fucking horses to the stable

1:00:42

this I just have a friend I call them up. They

1:00:44

tells me how many minutes I could do and

1:00:48

I had my three of those guys, so it's

1:00:51

a It's a process

1:00:54

It takes a fucking long time and just swing

1:00:56

with it You know an

1:00:58

email here that's the plan email the other day

1:01:01

somebody said to me Why did I ever do

1:01:03

let him in or let out or

1:01:05

something? Sometimes you know I

1:01:07

got like 20 of these so it takes me a

1:01:09

couple days because I gotta think about it And

1:01:14

guys I write these for the book You

1:01:17

know we're gonna start going through the podcast pretty

1:01:19

soon myself and Erica and getting

1:01:21

all the gems We put on here the

1:01:23

purpose of this podcast was To

1:01:26

come out with comedy ways from an open mic

1:01:28

or a feature act to a headliner For

1:01:31

you to make your comedy journey a lot easier

1:01:33

I'm not here to make it harder and a

1:01:36

lighter here what it be Johnny genius I'm not

1:01:38

we're just trying to talk about the open mic

1:01:40

process because recently I had to get

1:01:42

back on stage after a big layoff And

1:01:45

it's the same thing I feel

1:01:47

like an open mic and I don't I don't still

1:01:49

have the weapons I had at the

1:01:52

comedy stores before the pandemic. I'm the first guy

1:01:54

to tell you I'm not gonna lie to you

1:01:57

If I had eight weeks at Rogan's

1:01:59

Club I will get it, but I

1:02:01

don't have eight weeks I'm a

1:02:03

dad. I gotta be around. I gotta learn she's

1:02:05

got an A's. How big she is She's huge

1:02:08

fucking he's like turning into like a real person

1:02:11

Yeah, like god. Oh my god So

1:02:14

yeah, but it's good like do you

1:02:16

have like do you see growth every time you

1:02:18

go to Austin? I never tell me do like

1:02:20

a bunch of shows. It's time. They're delicious. Oh,

1:02:22

no, but I don't let Susan us Who

1:02:25

I swear God you can see that's all I could

1:02:27

think I was like you have to eat it cuz

1:02:29

it's right on camera Cuz if you don't hear people

1:02:31

in driving that's not one more. No, that's three and

1:02:33

two pieces One of

1:02:36

my five I ate five little staff.

1:02:38

I've never had three of the things you would What

1:02:43

the fuck Looks

1:02:47

like my fungi toenail that thing I Either

1:02:53

have don't you have I'll

1:02:59

see I'm saying on this couch. I it says who

1:03:01

it's fine Anyway

1:03:09

while he's contemplating I Already

1:03:12

told him I got him a hospital bed. I

1:03:14

could call him tonight and get you there tonight

1:03:16

I think you might need to have anti hallucinogenics

1:03:18

and they have a high beef And

1:03:22

I gave you the certifiable Yeah,

1:03:27

I'll be down down the another room

1:03:29

at the morgue after evening wait, he

1:03:31

did Do

1:03:33

you imagine what would happen? Go

1:03:35

to yes. Oh fucking I

1:03:38

will probably put they put this in the edible bags

1:03:41

No in the yeah mushroom back

1:03:43

Phillies believes in freshness. That's very

1:03:45

nice of them So

1:03:48

but if you eat them together, it's a different

1:03:50

demand. It's like even extended. It's like even

1:03:52

expired bikering Saying you're

1:03:54

back by Tuesday It's

1:03:57

fucking Sunday, that's right I

1:04:01

already told you this is magical mystery week

1:04:03

tour. This is what this little

1:04:05

two shows and I was doing a couple videos

1:04:08

It's called the magical mystery week

1:04:10

tour. Lee's concerned about his

1:04:12

job. It's a listen Tell

1:04:14

the job to send overnight to pick up the

1:04:16

computer and the rental car keys. It's old Like

1:04:20

they are going our car. Come on. Let's go

1:04:22

Come on. Wait. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's fucking Tuesday.

1:04:24

They're seven. You're not gonna use it. I want

1:04:26

to go take You

1:04:29

not a bite. They eat after I need the

1:04:31

pouch. That's like a zen by a pouch. Oh,

1:04:33

this is true together I

1:04:42

Still got it Oh Fuckin

1:04:51

oh, they care about the humidity in

1:04:53

the bag No,

1:04:58

what do you want to eat? Oh quick

1:05:00

quick you Wait Supposedly

1:05:07

eat this in the name.

1:05:09

Yeah, just eat it like swallow like I did.

1:05:12

Oh, this is in That's

1:05:17

not a zen you eat that I will have to

1:05:19

take it out Unbelievable

1:05:22

what I gotta deal with people see this The

1:05:26

celebration this guy shows up like you

1:05:28

know, like more like Maurice Wiggs, you

1:05:30

know, you will all consider Where

1:05:34

the money is Just

1:05:43

another Tuesday morning motherfuckers, you know I'm

1:05:45

saying sorry about the location change We're

1:05:48

in the basement of debt when the voodoo lounge

1:05:50

three We Usually

1:05:53

do this in the other room, but since

1:05:55

we're together we're doing this right here right

1:05:57

now for you on

1:05:59

a Tuesday Well, this poor bass making

1:06:01

noise Right now

1:06:03

I feel like I see it in fucking

1:06:05

trading places when the brother is

1:06:08

dying and he's interviewing people He's like your brother's

1:06:10

dying. I don't give a fuck and he's like

1:06:14

At the end of the movie when the fucking yeah when

1:06:16

they lose their fortune But

1:06:19

look at him. He's over there for six minutes

1:06:21

making noises looking at his in pouch giving me

1:06:23

for two minutes He thought it was really his

1:06:25

impact. Yeah, and he's like it's just like winter

1:06:28

green I wouldn't be surprised if you made a

1:06:30

face with the green on that something. Yeah, that's

1:06:32

his name All

1:06:35

right, you miss listen a

1:06:37

little Zen with a fucking mushroom cap Why

1:06:40

go I got fucked up? I've seen

1:06:42

how many drugs they I had as

1:06:44

in one time and that shit was crazy

1:06:46

I must do quite twice it fucking killed

1:06:48

me. I can't eat them no more One

1:06:51

time I went to eat sushi with Rogan and he

1:06:53

parked like a half a mile. It

1:06:55

was uphill. Oh God damn

1:06:58

it and Sure

1:07:00

enough we eat and all suddenly goes you want

1:07:02

us in like oh, yeah, and as I mean

1:07:04

like oh Sure

1:07:07

enough is I'm walking up that hill I

1:07:09

start fucking sweating profusely Because

1:07:12

it just hit me. I don't know how many milligrams

1:07:14

in that motherfucker, but whatever it was I mean

1:07:16

by the time I got to his car, I couldn't

1:07:18

stop sweating I couldn't top off and apart from how

1:07:20

to sit outside the car and get air drink a

1:07:23

bunch of water It was horrible. One

1:07:25

day I took on my mistake and I went to jujitsu

1:07:28

I did is in my mistake because you get involved

1:07:31

Bong hits people are talking to

1:07:33

you and all something boom. This is in Goddamn

1:07:37

it. I gotta go fucking do things Nomos

1:07:40

end up never had that

1:07:42

happen. Yeah, you get them You know

1:07:44

when I got a thousand other things going through my system.

1:07:46

I'm doing bonk It's I got edible

1:07:48

from the night before I micro those edibles

1:07:50

three nights a week. You do not micro

1:07:52

dose Yes, I do since when? People

1:07:56

been dropping mushrooms on me and I started

1:07:58

just at night concealing

1:08:17

eight Yeah,

1:08:20

I'm still getting stuck in your ass. Eventually.

1:08:27

But yeah, a gram is a lot for some people. Like

1:08:29

what are we just eating? Who knows?

1:08:31

It's something- I would like someone to know.

1:08:33

I used this Monday night. Who knows what

1:08:35

night it is? Yeah, we ate this, that,

1:08:37

this. You know, I got the heavy-duty dose.

1:08:40

I ate last night. I'm trying to get

1:08:42

mushrooms Sunday, but

1:08:45

the guy didn't call me back. I

1:08:47

had a Saturday night. I found a

1:08:49

bag and that little thing next to my

1:08:51

sleeper there, that little chair of love. I

1:08:55

found a little sack that had an ounce of mushrooms

1:08:57

in it at one time. I

1:08:59

was popping those grams at night. And

1:09:02

on the bottom was two fingers of

1:09:04

dust, of mushroom dust, and

1:09:06

a little couple of dried-up caps, you know, like when they

1:09:08

go to the bottom. Who doesn't find that at the house?

1:09:10

Yes, I did. I fucking took a

1:09:13

bottle of water and I sat there about 8.30. I

1:09:16

ripped it open. It was

1:09:18

tasted like that. It

1:09:20

was like eating dust on an island. You know what I'm

1:09:23

saying? But I did it in two swigs

1:09:26

and I had the weirdest dreams last night. What

1:09:29

are you dreaming about? I don't remember, but there was

1:09:31

a big dream. Fuck.

1:09:37

Do you realize that like some people just

1:09:40

wouldn't eat that jar? What? Like

1:09:43

some people just wouldn't. Like you don't have to

1:09:45

eat the jar of random mushroom dust. It

1:09:48

wasn't a jar, it was a baggie. I'm sorry.

1:09:51

Okay, well it was the bottom. It was two inches of dust. It

1:09:53

was a lot of dust. It was a lot of

1:09:55

dust. I fell asleep very easily.

1:09:58

I didn't need the Michael Jackson. and T and nothing

1:10:01

I went upstairs and I fell asleep and

1:10:03

I remember waking up like maybe 1

1:10:06

32 going things are happening in

1:10:08

these dreams tonight you know what I'm saying like I had

1:10:10

a piece on and I had to get back to the

1:10:12

dream like I didn't even

1:10:14

finish being I said fucking I'll finish when I get

1:10:16

to the bathroom at whatever party I was going to

1:10:18

whatever that's how good the

1:10:20

dream was but I woke up at

1:10:22

5 30 the cat wasn't there you

1:10:25

know yeah cuz I'm like I got up at

1:10:27

night the cats usually there but then I go

1:10:29

pee and come back he won't move she you

1:10:32

saw she came down here before I see what we're doing

1:10:34

the lights gather she's like I'm out of here I don't

1:10:36

want to be on camera you ain't paying me sad

1:10:39

greats anyway I love seeing gray

1:10:41

it's good it's good it's great to see everyone when

1:10:43

I come down no it's great point to have you

1:10:45

come down and now we'll do the show whenever you

1:10:47

come down we'll have a little home I've

1:10:49

been trying to look for a home down here

1:10:52

something you know small that

1:10:55

I don't listen I love to

1:10:57

go into a restaurant with a nice menu

1:10:59

and have people sit neat and do comedy

1:11:03

I'm not that type of common what I'm gonna do

1:11:05

sing while you eat I'm not saying I'm

1:11:11

not saying it I'm not saying it I'm not

1:11:13

doing what that dude did in the restaurant in

1:11:15

fucking Colorado when he would

1:11:18

come out as an Elvis in person man I'm not doing that

1:11:20

so I don't even know

1:11:22

why he brought that up I'm just not doing

1:11:24

so that's the whole thing I rather excuse

1:11:27

me I've got a couple

1:11:29

of burps from the Zint bag I mix

1:11:31

it the muscle I mean it

1:11:35

was a rough journey a thousand

1:11:37

milligrams it's a fantastic fucking Tuesday

1:11:39

you understand me I'm feeling tip-top

1:11:41

Magoo and so should

1:11:43

you but to

1:11:46

continue that conversation

1:11:48

that I thought was very

1:11:50

important a it's

1:11:54

that you know I respect

1:11:56

Jerry Seinfeld for what he said but when

1:11:58

he talks man people really you know,

1:12:01

listen to him. He's a master of fucking

1:12:03

ceremonies and I respect him and I respect

1:12:06

that. But in

1:12:08

perspective, I don't want comics to go up

1:12:10

there thinking they can't be themselves because

1:12:12

then you're not doing comedy. You're

1:12:15

not doing comedy. You're doing

1:12:17

an impersonation of yourself. Back

1:12:19

to the letterman thing. I'm sorry. These

1:12:22

edibles, the mushrooms were taken also in the middle of

1:12:24

the place. They

1:12:26

asked me why did I ever do those

1:12:28

shows. I decided my fourth year of comedy,

1:12:32

I was going to give up that route. It

1:12:35

took four years to make that decision because

1:12:37

I started out

1:12:40

clean and I switched to a suit.

1:12:44

And I'm not talking about some low

1:12:46

bracket jacket suit. I'm talking

1:12:48

about these were fucking suits.

1:12:51

I had money but I had a charge card and

1:12:53

I would buy my suits and the guy would give

1:12:56

me 30% off Bobby Schultz.

1:12:58

I still owe him 200 bucks. I

1:13:01

swear to God, I love Bob Schultz. I

1:13:04

got locked up and I bought 200 bucks and I

1:13:06

didn't go back to the bold to pay him and

1:13:08

we got mad at each other. I explained to him

1:13:10

I would send it to him. And

1:13:12

now I don't know where he is. He could be on Long

1:13:15

Island for all I know. Who the fuck knows? I don't even

1:13:17

know how Bob Schultz just came into my mind now. He

1:13:19

made the suits that you had? No,

1:13:21

he worked out. He was like the manager at this.

1:13:24

He was like the general manager at this suit place

1:13:26

in Boulder. I met him when I first moved there

1:13:28

in 87. I had money for

1:13:30

a suit. But he was from New York

1:13:32

and we became friends over the years and then when I

1:13:35

didn't need a suit, maybe

1:13:37

two years after I met him, he gave

1:13:39

me a charge card. He goes,

1:13:41

you're spending too much money. Let me

1:13:43

run this card for you. I'll get you like $500 credit

1:13:47

limit and I hate it because I need to

1:13:49

close to sell cars and go to college and

1:13:51

shit like that. And you said you were wearing

1:13:53

a suit on stage? I would wear a suit

1:13:55

on stage and be very clean. And then

1:13:58

I gave him a charge card. I ain't that like

1:14:00

eight months. And

1:14:02

I would notice that when I didn't wear the suit,

1:14:05

like if I go to a regular open mic or

1:14:07

regular place, like a bar to do comedy and I

1:14:09

wore what I wore, I was

1:14:11

getting laughs. And

1:14:13

I also realized that when I was working a bar,

1:14:16

I was working a little bit dirty. So

1:14:19

all that shit I was doing at my

1:14:21

job during the week at the broker was

1:14:24

null and void because I wasn't being myself.

1:14:27

I was trying to be like a dean because it

1:14:29

was state night. So

1:14:31

I was trying to be like Dean Martin, do 15 and

1:14:36

then bring somebody up. But it was the same

1:14:39

customers every week. So

1:14:41

how the fuck am I gonna do the

1:14:43

same material? So I had to write a

1:14:45

new six minutes every fucking week for these

1:14:47

people. And then I go to

1:14:50

plan B, which is house to stake, which

1:14:53

is normal for a comic at that level. I

1:14:55

was doing comedy for a fucking year. I

1:14:58

still remember making an idiot of myself. At

1:15:01

the time, there's a Madonna video

1:15:04

called BOG and

1:15:07

she used like little rubber

1:15:10

fucking tips or something. I

1:15:12

went up there one night with two strings with

1:15:15

the two things to this day. I wanna shoot

1:15:17

myself in the fucking head, but do

1:15:19

you have tape of it? Yeah, yeah,

1:15:21

I saved that. It was a iPhone at

1:15:23

the time. I put that aside on my

1:15:26

microphone stand and I fucking taped it. Are

1:15:29

you crazy, Lee? It was my 16th time

1:15:31

on stage. I was the

1:15:33

type of guy at that time, there was no

1:15:35

tape in my life. I

1:15:37

wasn't gonna fucking go out and buy a tape,

1:15:39

recordering tape. I knew people who did that and

1:15:41

they drove themselves crazy. I was trying to get

1:15:44

funny. I didn't need the tape.

1:15:47

I was learning how to get funny. That

1:15:49

shit wasn't around. It's

1:15:52

one thing, I never put the apple

1:15:54

before the tree or the chicken before

1:15:56

the egg. I always knew,

1:15:58

I didn't think about headshots. Listen, I started

1:16:00

commenting 91 and think about a headshot till summer

1:16:04

95. That

1:16:07

Tribble passed me from a headshot. What

1:16:09

the fuck was I to get a picture? Look at this. And

1:16:12

I got a picture of me drinking an egg cream. The

1:16:15

chef at the fucking restaurant in Odysseo

1:16:17

took the fucking picture for me. So

1:16:21

take it from there motherfuckers. It's a beautiful

1:16:23

day to be alive. It's Tuesday the 7th.

1:16:26

It's gonna be a good week. Hopefully I'll see

1:16:29

some of you motherfuckers Wednesday and Thursday if not

1:16:31

next time Lee comes to town we'll

1:16:33

book some shows again and that's it and that's

1:16:35

that. Anything you want to tell me you're

1:16:37

gonna be in Philadelphia the home

1:16:39

of brotherly love with Josh Wolff Friday

1:16:41

two shows Saturday night

1:16:44

two shows the punch

1:16:46

line in Philadelphia go

1:16:48

to punchline.com. I think

1:16:51

that's what it is but it's something

1:16:53

in the neighborhood get two tickets

1:16:55

to see fucking Lee. You're not gonna see

1:16:57

him Wednesday or Thursday. Pick it to sold

1:16:59

out. Scalpers are on hold. We

1:17:02

got everything locked down you know what I'm saying so

1:17:04

and a lot of surprises so stay black. Anything you

1:17:06

want to tell them though? I love you. That's

1:17:08

it. That's all I that's all I have.

1:17:10

I do

1:17:13

tonight if you're listening to this and then it comes

1:17:15

out Williamsburg Comedy Club 8 o'clock. It'll be great to

1:17:17

see you. It's gonna be an awesome show. Do you

1:17:19

want another gummy? I don't know.

1:17:22

Do you want another gummy? We didn't finish the bag. I

1:17:24

mean we did finish the bag. We finished too bad. We

1:17:26

started a bag that was only... No no no. And

1:17:40

now for a word from our sponsors Jack.

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