0:01

There's always time for the

0:03

drive thru deal. Because

0:05

no matter how fast you are at making

0:08

breakfast, McDonald's is

0:10

faster.

0:10

Start your morning

0:12

at McDonald's and enjoy one of our tasty

0:14

bagel sandwiches for breakfast. try

0:17

the steak egg and cheese bagel or the sausage

0:19

egg and cheese bagel, order ahead on our

0:21

app and pick it up curbside.

0:24

Pricing participation may vary, make the app

0:26

download and registration required.

0:32

Hey. Hey. Hey. What's up party people?

0:46

oh

0:50

stroke. That all

0:51

the celebrities that stroked out that they still tried out

0:53

there like Tim Curry. Oh,

0:55

is he do you have a stroke? Yeah. Pretty

0:57

bad ones. Oh, good friend of mine. love Frank and

0:59

Furta.

1:01

Yeah. The package was ready. What's

1:04

that? They tried them out the conventions in some

1:06

of the my sister-in-law spent six

1:08

hours in line to get picture with him, and she

1:10

can't hang it up.

1:11

Why? She's too sad of a photo. Oh, that's

1:13

the best of photo. It's

1:16

not good. Is he sitting there just kinda

1:18

have smiling. Oh,

1:20

it's it's really sad. Oh, good for

1:22

him. He did movie once. What was the movie he

1:24

did about fucking New York? It was gritty.

1:26

Home

1:28

Alone two. No. I'm seeing

1:30

that one. What's

1:34

your name? Tim. Bro.

1:39

Mike,

1:41

stop. Thanks for coming. Looking

1:43

good, you. Thanks, man. feel like Yeah. Friend

1:45

of mine finally stopped eating in proper Hey,

1:47

babe. Hey, Chip. Thank you all for

1:49

looking. So wait a minute. What was that movie?

1:51

Goddamn. I can't think of it. He did

1:54

fucking rocky horror picture show.

1:56

He was fucking If Pennywise, the clown

1:58

-- Yep. -- he was Satan

1:59

and I am Legend, or

2:01

what was called? No. That was the Will Smith.

2:03

Did he play a Dog and I am Legend? ago.

2:05

You guys never seen it. Yeah. He's

2:08

the same with the giant horns. When did he

2:10

have a stroke? Couple of years ago?

2:12

No. It was in, like, the nineties. This was a

2:14

very long time. Was it? He's been in he's

2:16

been in Steven Hawking mode for a little bit now.

2:18

Oh, no. Is he really? Yeah. Did he get I

2:20

see you don't know better. Like, they did

2:23

the Rockets and a dumb guy with a stroke.

2:25

Left Steven Hocky could fly out a few numbers

2:27

once in a while to prove that he was worth feeding.

2:29

You gotta stroke. They gotta put some glasses

2:31

on you, please. Yeah. Put always

2:33

on a stroke victim. Put glasses. I

2:36

think I something to book in the crooked hotel

2:38

book. They sprinkle some flakes into your

2:40

tank for you. Like, good job. Trust

2:42

me. I'm trying to do a musical about the fucking

2:44

what's the one

2:49

The

2:50

bell and the butterfly.

2:55

I got nothing. The

2:58

the

2:58

bell and the butterfly. I don't know that one

3:00

yet. So

3:01

movies.

3:02

No. No? No. This is because it's bees

3:04

in it. That doesn't

3:05

I mean, you just bell is beesis beauty.

3:07

I don't know. The diving bell on

3:09

the butterfly. Oh. about

3:12

a

3:12

guy who had his stroke and only his left

3:14

eye worked? What

3:16

did

3:16

they do with the right eye?

3:17

Cover it up. It was annoying. Fucking

3:21

covered it up. Can I put that over the head?

3:23

Alright. Listen. Yeah. Diving down

3:25

at the bottom of flats, and we're gonna call this one.

3:28

They nailed it.

3:30

Thanks.

3:33

So what's your podcast about? Oh,

3:35

shit. We talk about all kinds of dumb shit, but

3:37

Tim and I are fat gay retard. So I

3:39

feel like Oh, alright. Understand. Perfect. You

3:41

fit right in everything we do. Just

3:43

I feel like resonates with our fat gay retarded

3:46

brethren. She want me god fucking you could

3:48

combine all of those things between homie and

3:50

him poo. But,

3:54

yeah, we have that meeting Podacast. And yeah.

3:56

We're just middle aged. You're just trying to have the best

3:58

time of our lives and everything we do. Okay.

4:01

It sounds pretty gay when you put it that way, and it

4:03

is. Yeah. You sound like two guys in a band.

4:05

Okay. We're just trying to really live life to the

4:07

fullest. Yeah. We're trying

4:09

to have, like, affirming experiences, dude. We're gonna

4:11

go hang glide. No. It's yeah. What are you

4:13

doing? You probably what's one of the things I need podcast?

4:17

Well, yesterday, we're we were talking

4:19

about what if there's to catch a predator,

4:21

but it was kids that we they were

4:23

catching kids that were trying to meet adults. Oh,

4:25

I like because they don't get punished hard

4:27

enough as far as I'm concerned. cops were

4:29

also kids. And the decoy was actually

4:31

two kids dressed like an adult. I

4:33

like that. That'd be a nice time. Yeah. Sure.

4:35

Yeah. That's what that's what our podcast.

4:37

Yeah. That's like They

4:40

should be punished. Right. Those old cock

4:42

teases. What's that? Yes. Yeah.

4:45

For lying online, the fibbing.

4:47

It's called lying lolitas. She

4:51

said she was father's old man. I don't know what to

4:53

tell you. Yeah. Exactly. Hope she's

4:55

punished. Mhmm. So what why were you part

4:57

of Podacast history? We

5:00

did lead you to the Skanks on Monday

5:02

night. I hope you weren't a part of that phone

5:04

call. Oh, well, I was just an observer.

5:08

Tim played more of a part than I did. None. See,

5:10

don't put don't put it on me. I was not No.

5:13

You should never pretend Exact That's what

5:15

I was saying. But I told him what you were telling

5:17

me before. I was saying you should never you should never

5:19

deceive it. No. It's humiliating to all

5:21

the sudden act like you're somebody other than yourself.

5:23

Chip, you never played a trick on somebody. Sure

5:25

I have. What's the dirtiest trick you played on

5:27

somebody?

5:28

I

5:29

remembered it was an older lady. Mhmm.

5:31

You ever see baby dryer. how they

5:34

make a fucking whatever's driving

5:36

is the fucking hero because he takes

5:38

care of the old guy in the wheelchair or whatever.

5:40

I had an old person like that that was supposed to

5:42

take care of, but I didn't. No. No. because

5:44

you're trick. Yeah. I just told his money

5:46

too. They they went and

5:48

found him and he had nine pounds of feces

5:50

on his diapers. Yeah.

5:53

I was supposed to help him out. I was a little busy

5:55

and I was a little bit late. Yeah.

5:57

That was very funny. That's an old that's an old

6:00

Philly style scam as you

6:02

keep a retarded person in your house and you collect their

6:04

Social Security checks. Yeah. You can get possibly

6:06

once a year. Also pizza boxes.

6:08

They're really great in Philly with a pizza box.

6:10

You gotta drop a log and you gotta pizza

6:12

box, you can earn a living. you somebody

6:15

messaged me about uncle Eddie the other day.

6:17

Yeah. That he was involved with

6:19

the charity that Joe Petorno ran --

6:21

Yes. -- the second mile. That's

6:23

fucking wild. Yeah. It really is. I

6:25

mean, it it just kinda gives it, like, more

6:27

fucking credibility. Joe

6:30

Petorno is a good guy popping but

6:32

they call them a jopah. Jopah. Yep.

6:35

Chip, is there any chance that you could've gotten suckered

6:37

into a Jerry Sandusky type

6:39

situation when you It would depend on how

6:41

in shape the students were.

6:46

Yeah. This is the way Yeah. Hold on. Are you

6:48

asking me if I would have been, like, how in wait a

6:50

second. Now now have that out. How

6:52

in shape would your minimum be? Like,

6:54

varsity baseball? Would that be good enough? Or are you

6:56

looking for, like, swim team captain?

6:58

ah No.

6:59

Swim team scares because of the whole.

7:01

What was his name? Mark Spitz? Mhmm.

7:03

What was the one Gregory something

7:05

that Gregory Gangers. Gregory Gangers, didn't he

7:07

have a bit of a hit? he did. That

7:09

scares me. get in the pool with everybody else.

7:11

Yeah. That scares me. So I would probably go

7:13

with, like, a middle linebacker. Beefy

7:17

guy. Beefy guy, hearty man. Something

7:19

you can hold on to. Something to hold on

7:21

to. A man who really strains when he takes

7:23

it down. Jerry

7:27

Sandusky, I think he was a good or

7:29

bad guy. Don't be afraid here. Great

7:31

coach. Great coach. There you go. Safe

7:33

answer. Yep. Great coach.

7:35

What do you think about him? You

7:37

gotta give it up to him in some way. Right?

7:39

He's he's a king cranks. Did he did it big?

7:41

Mhmm. Yeah. Dude, a lot of people go,

7:44

imagine it would be like if I ran a million

7:46

dollar charitable organization and I used

7:48

it to fuck kids. Yeah. Knowing

7:50

that. He didn't just talk

7:52

about it. He did it. That's what you gotta give

7:54

it up. I do appreciate how it's Instead

7:56

of saying, hit the showers. he said, let's hit the

7:58

shower. Let's hit the shower. Leave by

8:00

example. That's the way

8:02

to do it. Leave by example. We play a

8:04

little boys in freckle fracle. Was

8:06

that the game? That was the fracled fracled

8:08

game. If kids

8:10

tried to, like, dunk eight or eight on them after the game,

8:12

other kids would, like, stop them. Like, you

8:15

know, he's looking pretty good, man. He's gonna

8:17

wanna wash it off. Don't do it.

8:19

You know, don't throw anything out of the hip or

8:21

quiet one or something. You know? Who's

8:24

our guest babe? I like that shirt on you.

8:25

Thank you, Chip. I haven't worn this in forever.

8:27

Very nice. Who's our guest? Oh,

8:30

so Not here yet. besides our

8:32

guests from dad meat. Why you call dad

8:34

meat? Just because

8:34

they're fucking meaty breads. Yeah. All kinds

8:36

of things. I

8:37

like it. You guys also roll around with other

8:39

men too. Right? Yeah. We're both in the jujitsu.

8:42

Nice. Oh, okay. How

8:44

many years have you been taking it? Oh,

8:46

got about five. You have a submitted guy? I've

8:48

been submitted way way much more than I have

8:50

submitted people. What blah belt are you? Blue

8:52

belt. Blue belt. How about yourself? I'm with purple

8:54

belt. Hello. that that's

8:56

before blue bell. Right? After blue. After

8:58

blue. Oh, so it goes white,

9:00

yellow, blue. There's no Purple,

9:03

Yeah. yellows for kids. Green.

9:06

Yeah. And then black is fantastic,

9:12

No. He said no. He said red going

9:14

down the train. And

9:16

so if you look like you could hand yourself, have you ever

9:19

trained? Yeah. But they told me I

9:21

was too good. I was throwing people

9:23

around the ring. It was too lethal.

9:25

You're too lethal. Yeah. That was it. I was

9:27

watching Bruce Lee -- Mhmm. -- yesterday,

9:29

and I gotta be honest, this is gonna be

9:31

sacrilege, but I couldn't

9:33

listen to it, maybe fucking

9:35

nauseous. I believe. Whoa.

9:39

Yay.

9:41

What noises do you make, Chip, when

9:43

you're

9:43

throwing people around the ring?

9:45

Just silent fucking throw noises.

9:48

I was so annoyed.

9:50

Why don't you fucking call me bloody you. Those

9:52

are the caps You guys are taking it off

9:54

here. You're fucking you put your face in this

9:56

crotch and make the young Oh,

9:58

my god. Yeah.

9:59

on one was

10:02

a slip of met with

10:05

I fucking couldn't stand those Bruce

10:07

Lee movies. He's to love brosley, but now I

10:09

watch and I can't listen to him. How about

10:11

you trained? The second I saw you I said, he looks like a

10:13

black headband. That's right. Fuck

10:15

yeah. Thank you. I trained

10:16

a little bit. but then I got bored with

10:19

these at which I was progressing.

10:21

Who you

10:21

favorite your kids so, man?

10:24

Oh, man. I guess Jeff

10:26

Gracie. Gracie maybe. Oh,

10:29

okay. He's

10:30

pretty good. Yeah. How

10:31

about fucking Siegel? That's

10:33

the

10:33

man. Number two for me. That's the

10:36

man. Who's our

10:36

guest babe? We

10:37

got a kid. His name is Dalton

10:40

Meyer.

10:40

and he has the Guinness World or he

10:43

is the Guinness World Record holder for the most

10:45

claps in one minute. One

10:46

thousand one hundred and forty claps in a

10:48

minute. ever

10:49

see this -- This is a decline. -- hurt. Yeah.

10:51

He was just doing jumping jacks. That

10:53

was his fucking his helmet hit in his belly.

10:55

He's got a he's got a stature in the sandusky

10:57

shower. Did you

10:59

ever see this kid clap? No.

11:02

Like my mother would say, he CLAP till the

11:04

cows come home we

11:06

can't show it walling on, while we put this kid

11:08

clapping on for a few seconds

11:10

just so everybody knows what we're getting

11:12

ourselves into. the

11:14

kind of talent. Alright. Yeah. Believe

11:16

me. He's hot too. Can you guys hear Look

11:18

at my hair. Mhmm. I can hear

11:21

her on the I know.

11:24

So this one gotta go.

11:31

I'll probably

11:35

stop it. I like how he closes his eyes.

11:37

There's the best out of the door.

11:39

Yeah. What are you doing in there? I

11:41

think the saddest coming from is dick wiggling.

11:44

That's not clapping. I look, I don't know a

11:46

lot, but I know clapping when I see it. That's

11:48

not clapping. Show us what you mean. Like, this

11:50

this is clapping. Hell, yeah. You

11:52

show Yeah. Yeah. You gotta put him on an angle. I don't wanna be

11:54

on an angle and they gotta come apart. He's doing,

11:56

like, No. No. No. No.

11:58

That's my thought. He's

11:59

doing like a tongue roll, isn't it? do you

12:02

clap?

12:06

That's nice. That's very

12:07

British of you. Refined. That's very

12:09

sitting in the balcony. I'm refined. You

12:11

certainly are. How do you all

12:13

clap? over the hedge. show

12:16

support, given that Gabe. I

12:17

don't clap chip by snap.

12:18

That's that's the

12:20

answer I was looking for. You're welcome. That's what

12:22

I was looking for on the Pod became. Yeah.

12:24

You don't wanna alarm people who might have

12:26

trigger. Yeah. You gotta do that. People

12:28

who might have been to walk around

12:30

making sure everybody's trigger warnings That's

12:32

a great point, Dave. But that's what we're gonna call

12:34

it. I actually I don't make any noise. I listen

12:36

for your pronouns. we're

12:39

getting somewhere. Yeah. Why? This is the

12:41

type of Yumahween. Actually, can we get

12:43

the guy for the record for listening to

12:46

the most pronouns in a minute? because that guy actually sounds

12:48

cool. Yeah. He hit him, them, day, and area.

12:50

Oh, god bless him. Please. I'll take them all

12:52

into my brain. Yeah. Listening is

12:54

so important. I won't listen to anybody. Wait.

12:56

What did you say? never

12:59

ends on this podcast. Does it that Yuma

13:01

never ends? I knew you're gonna fuck with it. Oh,

13:03

god. So, again, you walked right into it. It

13:05

couldn't help it. He's a

13:07

grappler and a listener. That's right.

13:09

You have been submitted? Yeah.

13:12

Plenty of times. You ever get a Kumar put on

13:14

you? That's my move. chip. He

13:16

actually can wear it a homeless guy in the street one

13:18

time. Right. Did he want money? Yeah.

13:20

He did a free lesson. He

13:22

he was aggressive with a handshake. I thought

13:24

we were Go your clapping. Yeah. No.

13:26

He tried to kill me. Well, you shook hands CLAP happened.

13:28

No. He punched me in the face and tried to push me in the street.

13:31

Why? I don't know, dude. Was it filling

13:33

I kinda think he was just trying to get arrested to have

13:35

somewhere to sleep at night. Oh, see, hey. And what'd you do? You

13:37

can moratum? Yeah. We rolled over the hood of a taxi

13:39

and fought in the middle of the street like in Rocky five. in

13:41

front actually, he was in front of a septobust

13:43

too. It was the fucking coolest moment ever. Oh,

13:45

Rocky five was great. Is that the one with Tommy

13:47

Morrison threatened to bleed on him? Don't

13:51

cut me, Nick. Yeah.

13:56

So Tommy hooked up to a machine

13:59

gun.

13:59

Oh,

14:04

I'll forget it. You got that at

14:06

all now.

14:16

Club up.

14:16

No. Were you gonna say, yo, agedrian?

14:19

Oh. Oh, yes. I knew

14:21

it. So it's similar. I

14:23

could see it in your eyes. Something similar.

14:27

Oh. Rocky

14:29

lives in the streets of Philadelphia.

14:33

I that tracks

14:35

that tracks. Okay. Chip, when I was a when I was

14:37

a teenager, when the movie filled up, he came out, I

14:39

would pretend that I had AIDS. and

14:41

pretend that people felt sorry for me so for

14:43

the attention. Wait.

14:44

Like, you would tell people that you had it?

14:46

No. I would keep it in my head. Oh, I would fantasize that.

14:48

It's strictly fair. better

14:52

than yes. He was laughing at people, and

14:54

he was laughing aids and receiving

14:56

sympathy. One man's fantasy, another

14:58

man's horrible nature. A

15:00

good friend of mine used to fantasize about how he

15:03

would get it. He's

15:06

right here. So wait a minute.

15:08

You just were fantasizing that people were

15:10

probably comforting you and hugging

15:12

you. I saw the attention the sales guy was

15:14

getting, and I didn't have any of that. screams

15:16

of horror and one stop in my life.

15:19

This is like the late eighties, early nineties that

15:21

weren't very empathetic. In your

15:22

fantasy, were you getting, like, sympathy

15:24

sex?

15:24

No. No sex. It's just I wanted my

15:26

parents love. I figured AIDS was the best way

15:28

to it. You're not wrong. Nothing makes

15:30

a father proud of. Mommy

15:32

Dad, you think I can get some thoughts and prayers?

15:35

Yeah. So wait a minute.

15:37

Was it were they not affectionate? No.

15:39

I was just kinda left to my own devices, which,

15:41

you know, fourteen. It's a tough age to

15:43

be left to your own device. And you were a fan so you probably

15:46

played a song And if you bah bah bah bah bah bah

15:48

bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah

15:50

bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. And

15:55

meanwhile, in real life, if you follow walks over, it

15:57

catches me to one question.

16:00

You fucking,

16:02

like, you house So he tees when he got them.

16:05

Okay. Plastic up all over the

16:07

place. Awesome. The sun is dirty.

16:10

So what happened? You go out and get AIDS? Were you having sex with

16:12

a guy? No. Chip. Chip. I didn't get

16:15

pussy till I was nineteen. Alright.

16:17

That's kinda chill. And who is the first

16:19

girl you fuck not a full name, but had

16:21

you know her? She I was

16:23

sitting at my friend's house and she just came up the

16:25

stairs and she had just broken up with

16:27

her boyfriend. So I was the first guy she

16:29

saw. That's that's why you

16:30

gotta get them. You gotta get them when they're hurt and

16:32

they wanna make their ex boyfriend

16:33

angry. Yeah. Nice. Yep. You

16:36

wear a bag? No. Good

16:37

boy. Boy, how about

16:40

you? What'd you cancer? Oh, hepatitis?

16:42

What'd you prepare you? No.

16:47

I was just fine with being ignored, actually.

16:49

I was You like the solid I like the peace

16:51

and quiet. You like the peace and quiet. Yeah.

16:53

No. I understand. How many brothers and

16:55

sisters? I had I had

16:57

one real sister and

16:59

then three half brothers, one

17:01

from my dad and two from my mom.

17:03

and the two from my mom were both wagers. Two this

17:05

day. Oh, I think they're they're lifelong,

17:08

like, chin strap, like, go home from

17:10

the construction job wagers

17:12

still. Yeah. I understand you

17:14

get all of them. No. It's it's to the death

17:16

when I see either of them. Oh, you don't like them?

17:18

No. That is that why you took fucking jujitsu in

17:20

case they got saltier around Yeah. Well, they're they're they're

17:22

much older than me, so I needed an early edge. So

17:24

I learned how to do I I was basically Jennifer

17:26

Lopez and for my wicker brother. Wait.

17:28

Wait. Walk me back to J lo movie. I will

17:30

be honest, Kenny, from the block is the thought

17:32

I like without any irony. Yeah. What was

17:35

the movie you're talking about? very

17:37

low enough she gets beat up by her husband,

17:39

so she goes to, like, MMA classes,

17:41

so she could beat him up. And then I think they

17:43

have a fight at the end or something. Oh, my god.

17:45

ask Yeah. I all I remember is the

17:47

montage where she's hitting the heavy bag. That'd be

17:49

showing just bead showers. Like, you're still a lady.

17:52

Yeah. And then you're like, he's doing

17:54

at the end. He's the jiu jitsu instructor.

17:56

Fuck him strangle the throw down the

17:58

steps. Like, fuck it. Like, Sharon

18:00

Stone and Casino. Alright. Any

18:02

brothers and sisters? I have one

18:04

sister who looks a lot like me, unfortunately. Oh, for

18:07

her. That's bad news. Is she

18:09

also a freckled doll? She

18:12

is. Yeah. Not wrong with frac I'd ever do anything for you,

18:14

frac cool girls. I like a

18:16

nice red head. I like a fucking

18:18

orange ginger with frickles.

18:20

Fire crotch? Yeah. Fire crotch,

18:23

justifiably low self esteem, yellowish

18:25

orange eyebrows. That's the girl. I

18:28

distant father. Yeah. This is a father

18:30

exactly. She's got a fucking, like, blonde arm

18:32

hair. It's a little coarser than it should be. No. It's

18:34

a little girl, a red pubic hair. Yep. Nice.

18:36

Yeah. It's nice. My You can see

18:38

the veins in the vagina? Yeah. Like,

18:40

they're like trying to say. Yeah.

18:42

say fucking it's like licking the head of

18:45

a a newborn. You're

18:50

crowning. Wait. No. What

18:52

are you gonna say babe, I didn't mean to interrupt you? No. It's okay. I was

18:54

just saying mine is I was born with red

18:56

hair, and I'm still it then turned blonde,

18:59

but my my fucking pubes when I have them are still kind

19:01

of red. Are they reddish? Yeah. They are. They

19:03

stick these stick Once a month.

19:04

Hey.

19:07

Quit doing caught real soon. Wait, though.

19:09

The so you got red pubes? Yeah.

19:11

Fucking hot. You like that too.

19:13

Yeah. Fucking

19:13

like that. That's nice.

19:15

chips or any colors you don't like? I

19:18

can't say it. I

19:20

forget who I used

19:22

to work with. Wrong place

19:24

he tapes in. Wait what's

19:28

oh, okay. The camera keeps

19:31

going out, hoping it's affecting quality of

19:33

the podcast. now there's

19:34

no colors I don't like. I'm not a big fuchsia

19:37

guy.

19:37

Okay. How about you?

19:39

No. No.

19:39

I really don't like Tim, I meant to ask you. In that j

19:41

lo -- Wait a minute. -- Jeff Jeff

19:43

Jeff say that again? Yeah, please.

19:45

Got it. Is

19:48

there any colors you don't like? No. No. No. No. Before

19:50

what your your answer, what you don't like?

19:55

Shade a brown? Nope. Nope. No. The

19:57

answer you gave already. Fusha.

19:59

Fusha. about

20:02

the past? Dad. Dad. Columbus

20:05

Act made him go back

20:07

for that job. Oh, do

20:10

it smoothly. I learned it from watching

20:12

you. Oh. Not reminding

20:14

you of a racism commercialized

20:17

person. we

20:19

gotta do that just a little bit better. Okay.

20:21

Let's come back. We're gonna cut this together and

20:23

post. Alright. Let's come back in on

20:25

a laugh.

20:25

Oh

20:28

my goodness. Well, let's talk about

20:30

the future. Like

20:33

the color? the

20:36

past

20:36

-- Wow. -- nicely.

20:39

That's how you gotta do it. Now we'll piece that

20:41

together. It's gonna be a thing of beauty.

20:43

Better. Yeah. We're all gonna climb. made

20:45

it better. I can't wait to talk to

20:47

this clapping kid. Yeah. He's gonna be it's

20:49

gonna be fascinating. Is he in studio?

20:51

No. He's gonna be on Zoom, but I

20:53

don't have headphones. Oh, no.

20:54

can use mind check. No, babe. because you

20:56

got it here. Can you someone bring

20:58

daddy headphones? I

21:00

don't have my hat on today. Tim,

21:02

I

21:02

wanted to ask you about that jaylo fight movie. Did

21:05

she do Brazilian butt lift

21:07

jitchoo? Alright.

21:07

good

21:09

I'll just I'll come back in

21:11

a one second. Here's a problem. But

21:14

the timing wasn't right. We'll fix

21:16

it. Hold on a

21:18

second. Let me just test Can

21:20

we edit it into four

21:22

and a half minutes ago? Hold on.

21:24

I can't hear anything.

21:27

Hello?

21:28

turn the knob up. Yeah,

21:31

babe.

21:31

Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's okay.

21:33

I turned it to the left. It was lefty, Lucy

21:35

tied to right again. Okay. Now what

21:37

are you thinking about the j low? s

21:40

the j

21:40

low okay. We're gonna come

21:42

back in. Hey. I just think

21:46

would you wanna know about the the jaylo

21:49

butt?

21:49

Tim, that jaylo fighting movie. Is

21:51

it fair to say that she was doing Brazilian

21:53

butt lift, Jjitsu? That's

21:56

bad. You guys let me laugh at with the fuck. Don't you

21:58

ever ever laugh at the hell? No. I

21:59

didn't understand it. Well

22:01

You never

22:02

heard of a Brazilian butt lift chip?

22:04

No. where

22:05

they I they fat from other parts of your body and they put

22:07

in your butt. Sometimes some

22:09

lady put or some lady put some Why

22:11

are your hands like

22:12

this? I don't know. She'll comfortable. I

22:14

don't know what I'm Countsy hands. I don't like it.

22:16

I learned

22:16

it from you. Just have

22:17

a friend that puts cement to his butt

22:19

minus the tae. A little

22:25

apostrophe at the top just to hurry up. Put someone back

22:27

then for you. Yeah.

22:29

Yeah. I know he's right and believe me. It's a

22:31

good packer right now. Fucking fruit

22:33

makes me sick. How long you guys

22:35

been teamed up? About ten

22:38

years. Oh, you guys have been podcasted for a

22:40

long time? No. We just started podcasting

22:42

like three years ago, but we've been we've been broad all

22:44

the way down. the first I

22:46

was walking with a cane. Yeah.

22:48

Which one? Velasquez? damn,

22:52

Sipless. They just let him out.

22:55

Oh, what was it? Oh, are you walking with

22:57

a cane? Yeah, chip. I was I was

22:59

Also, Your

23:00

walk

23:06

where it came? Yeah, man. Citizen,

23:11

fucking Rosewood. Candy?

23:14

You

23:15

work over with

23:17

a cane, so you weren't able.

23:20

Why don't you walk with a cane? Big

23:22

daddy. I can know, your

23:24

brother would love that

23:27

one. It's what happened. You were

23:29

walking when fucking You're walking with

23:31

a cane. Tell us about your cane sugar. Well,

23:36

Tim had one

23:38

through, so it was more of a cocaine. 2K2

23:43

k's.

23:46

Wait. Okay.

23:49

So

23:49

you were walking with a cane -- Yeah. --

23:52

in Singapore.

23:57

Yeah. I was

23:58

walking with a cane and a

23:59

I know for this nonsense, guys. It's

24:02

Porsche Cannery. I

24:06

can't keep this up. Oh, okay.

24:08

Let's let's just simmer it down.

24:10

Now to wait

24:13

you. What

24:17

happened? Chip,

24:19

I had back surgery and I was crying.

24:21

Alright. I'm good now, man.

24:23

Yeah. Tim showed up and we both happen

24:26

to be wearing the same outfit we both had on

24:28

camo cargo shorts. And I knew it was

24:29

meant to be at

24:30

that point. It was, like, love it for a site. It was.

24:32

Yeah. The way we showed up, we had the hospital.

24:34

We went to a movie together. No.

24:36

We can't. We the first time we hung out,

24:38

we went to see We were both Wes

24:40

Anderson fans, and we went together to see

24:42

Moonrise Kingdom. I never seen that.

24:45

Well, there's, like, an extended, like,

24:47

kissing scene. But we have. to

24:49

to, like, ten year olds kissing their underwear

24:51

for a long time. And it was Mike

24:53

who was whacked out on painkillers

24:55

and me who was a gigantic fat

24:58

retard wearing matching outfits sitting, like, in

25:00

a very small art house

25:02

theater and watching these children go at it. It was like Yeah.

25:04

Just a couple of men's style

25:06

not getting dude. Hints in pants. It was

25:08

a toe seat. Now when you

25:10

sit with AAA bro on a first bro

25:12

hangout at the movies,

25:14

Do you sit next to each other? You keep a seat

25:16

in between? I don't remember a seat in between

25:19

us.

25:19

No. Absolutely not.

25:19

So it was a date. It was for

25:20

sure. Yeah. It was we're feeling each other saves.

25:23

Yeah. I understand. You're supposed to sit

25:25

with a seat. A friend

25:26

of mine didn't know that when he used to work at Parliament

25:28

back in the late eighties, and he went with

25:30

his friend from the hood to a movie. I

25:32

don't know. And he and he sat right next to him and he goes, he guy could

25:34

leave a homo seat. He didn't know

25:36

what it was. 111

25:39

be sat in it. I like to pull over. Chip,

25:42

is that why you have space between you and

25:44

Tim? Yeah. But homosy. Yeah. I like

25:46

to have a little bit of space between me and the

25:48

other guests. Okay.

25:49

nobody

25:50

tortures me. Where's our

25:52

guest? Oh, no. Babe, you

25:54

do that because, you know, it makes me

25:56

crazy that part. that part of my

25:58

arm, the fatty part. Just

26:00

that spot. Yeah. Just that spot. Anything

26:02

else I would scream? Where's

26:04

our guest?

26:06

He's He is ready or I think

26:08

he's ready. He's here. Oh, is he here? No one

26:10

told me he was here. He can he can

26:13

be ready when we are. Oh,

26:15

hello? I'm

26:15

ready. Oh, sorry. We didn't know you were

26:18

here. Can you see us? I

26:20

can see you. Yeah. Unfortunately, man,

26:22

I'm joking. I don't oh,

26:25

boy. Trust me. No. We're going

26:27

to we're going to crazy

26:30

town in the mayor's here. So

26:38

clapping. Talk us

26:39

through it because I've always

26:42

been known as a clapper, and

26:43

you're in the Guinness Book of Records.

26:47

Yeah. What

26:47

about clapping? Do you need to know?

26:49

I mean, the answer. When you

26:51

start a clapping. Right? We all clap for things

26:53

that we like. Occasionally, we'll

26:55

hear like our great president naked speech

26:57

will clap. What made you realize you

26:59

clap faster than most? For

27:01

me, it started in

27:04

elementary. I saw the world record hold.

27:06

The old world record holder. And I was like, wow,

27:08

that's really cool. I don't know why I found that really

27:10

cool. But I just wanted to learn it and it

27:12

kinda came naturally to me. So I

27:14

learned it within that day. I

27:16

showed all my elementary friends there,

27:18

and

27:18

they all referred to me as like fast

27:21

clapping kid. That's that's a

27:23

lot nicer than my nickname was.

27:26

Sorry. Yeah. So it took you one day of

27:28

practice to destroy a man's life

27:30

and legacy. I

27:33

mean, I I guess he could say that. I mean,

27:35

later on, I needed to, like,

27:37

up my endurance and how

27:39

my how long I could do it because it does take a lot of energy.

27:41

I'd be surprised. Yeah. Yeah. Do you

27:44

ever get blisters or anything?

27:46

Are there any clapping related

27:48

injuries? Yeah. My first

27:50

attempt. I actually had a really big blister right

27:52

here due to the friction. How do you

27:54

clap away? How you clapping so fast?

27:56

I I can't do it like that. How are you hitting,

27:58

like, two claps at a

27:59

time? Talk me through it. I'm

28:02

frightened. I can't teach you how to

28:04

do it. I mean, I can't make my

28:06

attention. I mean Basically, hold on. Hold

28:08

on. Your your connection's a little bad. We okay.

28:10

We can hear him. Okay. It was a little

28:12

bit scratchy. I wanna hear you. So what do

28:14

we do? So

28:17

basically, I'll try to teach the best I can.

28:19

You kinda, like, cup your

28:20

hands a tiny bit. Just a

28:23

tiny bit. you

28:23

kinda keep your wrist

28:24

steady and then you gotta practice by doing

28:26

that, hitting your wrist against your palm and then

28:29

going down like get

28:30

out of practice doing that and then doing

28:33

up the other hand. And then eventually, you can get,

28:35

like, fast

28:36

enough. Don't have

28:38

you

28:38

ever tried doing this with your balls? Unfortunately,

28:43

taste the cake. I feel like

28:45

you

28:45

could speed masturbate really well.

28:48

like that. Mhmm. Right? I'm

28:50

not. I don't feel I haven't tried

28:52

that yet. I think he would start a fire.

28:56

Alright. Hold on. You do what really Christian did look

28:58

alike. I was kinda getting it.

29:00

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Let's figure out which one of

29:02

us. I'm sorry about you. Well

29:06

compliment. Because I've seen

29:08

batman. Batman. Yeah. The

29:10

one in the blue. He counts Christian a

29:12

little Well, thanks, brother. I was just telling them about how

29:14

cool your CLAP capability was and how aggressive it

29:16

is. walker. And I thank thank you

29:18

for thank you for the complimenting kind. Yeah. very nice

29:20

of you. Christian in the

29:23

big short hold

29:25

on a second.

29:28

How

29:29

many is that That was --

29:31

Nine hundred. -- good. Yeah. That's pretty

29:34

good. I got it. But you

29:36

guys Who

29:36

is that like a thousand?

29:39

Listen, Halley. He's doing it his own microphone.

29:42

So you're

29:44

giving me twenty

29:46

four hours, you did. Like

29:49

Let the train if you can't rock a lot. What the time

29:51

or not? How how fast can you CLAP, like,

29:53

real CLAP? Like Just

29:55

like polite claps.

29:56

Pretty fast.

29:58

Yeah. You got fast

29:59

hands. You ought to be a Codman.

30:02

Don't worry. Did you start doing this?

30:04

Did you start doing this to dissuade your parents from thinking you were

30:07

destroying your meat in your room? Maybe.

30:10

Let's see here. I mean, if I could say on

30:12

the podcast, Let

30:14

me ask you something now. We've had

30:16

a lot of laughs. We've told a few

30:19

lies. But you ever fucking do

30:21

magic tricks? I've

30:23

never done a magic trick now. You got

30:25

fast hands. That's what you need, slight

30:27

of hand. I don't

30:29

get

30:29

help people do magic That's just

30:31

it's kinda scared to me. It's like witchcraft. I know.

30:33

I

30:33

don't like it either, but you believe in

30:36

Santa Claus, so you do have a certain

30:38

fantasy element in your mind.

30:40

That's true. I am a Santa Claus

30:42

believer. Yeah. Certified. So

30:44

what's your argument? Like, if you're trying

30:46

to convince us that Santa Claus

30:49

is real, How do you

30:49

do that? Well, first,

30:51

I need, like, a rebuttal. Like, why

30:53

isn't Santa Claus real? I'll

30:55

tell you

30:56

why he's not real. because

30:59

reindeer would be too

31:00

tired from flying for a

31:02

little while to complete the job. Mhmm. Not

31:04

if you

31:05

had the Christmas spirit, the Christmas

31:08

spirit is what fuels Christmas. But even

31:10

with the even with the Christmas spark,

31:12

they would get tuckered out,

31:14

and they would slip off the roof.

31:17

says you, not Santa. Did you

31:20

see the

31:20

movie that Mel Gibson replayed

31:23

Santa? When I

31:24

think so. Yeah. When the guy was trying

31:26

to shoot him, he left the voice mail for Santa. Yeah. I heard

31:28

that one. You seen that one? I saw

31:30

the screen. All the hell gives him voice mail.

31:33

Was he the best of one? What

31:36

what when you got mad. And I hope you get ring by a pack of

31:38

wild elves. So

31:42

what do you do for what what now? Can you

31:44

play this into anything? like,

31:47

use it as, like, any sort of job, you

31:49

mean? Right. Or or anything. because

31:51

it's a it's a cool thing. I never knew

31:54

they even took that and, like, fucking

31:56

added them up. But is there anything you can

31:58

do with it where people will go, hey, we could do

31:59

this? A

32:00

lot of musical type

32:03

things, you know. I've seen a lot of people use music

32:05

CLAP. now I

32:06

see you got like a fucking piano back

32:08

there. Yeah. Are you a good what do you

32:10

do? Do you sing? don't

32:13

say I do play piano. I'm not the best editor.

32:15

You're just learning

32:16

it. You like to use your hands to be creative.

32:18

Me too. I guess so.

32:20

Let me ask you a question. What song can

32:23

you play? Can you play smoke on the water by

32:25

deep purple? Oh, man.

32:27

That's too cliche. I know

32:29

some classic music. Oh, look

32:30

at you play? You have a hero of

32:33

Beethoven? Yeah.

32:33

I can play a little bit

32:36

of fur at least. I can play

32:38

Turkish March by Moza.

32:39

What's that? Moatsop was kinda

32:42

hacky. I don't like his I like

32:44

his earlier stuff, not his latest stuff. He

32:46

got commercial. What can

32:48

you play? This

32:48

the classical?

32:51

Yeah. I can play

32:52

I don't know if you've ever heard in the Athene's

32:55

by Eric Sadie. Oh, yeah.

32:57

Yeah. Yeah. that.

32:58

I I know

33:00

that. Let's hear

33:01

it. Oh, jeez. I

33:04

mean, I gotta warn you this

33:06

piano is really glitch

33:08

see. Like That's okay. you know. That's, like,

33:10

the nation never blame the instruments going

33:13

now. It's it's a pleasure. If you actually

33:15

wanna hear it, I'll play. I mean --

33:17

I do. -- and then some keys and then some keys

33:19

don't even work.

33:19

Okay. Don't you

33:21

mind taking your shirt off for this?

33:23

the I

33:26

mean, I

33:26

can I can put it in. Okay.

33:39

Who's

33:39

that good? No. Yeah.

33:42

Hold on. Sounds like Tim Carrey

33:44

playing the piano. But

33:46

it's the equipment I understand.

33:48

Let's catch up here.

33:51

you know, there's a sneaky but it's

33:53

a lie. I don't know why. It's it's really good to

33:55

actually need a new one. Are you promoting

33:57

to panel are

33:58

you promoting anything

33:59

the You have a

34:01

YouTube channel or something? I I do

34:04

have YouTube. YouTube. What do you

34:06

YouTube

34:06

channels? there's

34:08

one called meme temple, and then there's one called

34:11

team mental or you, switch the

34:13

m and the t. Hold

34:15

on

34:15

a second. It sounds like a real big

34:17

plus clog. So it

34:21

was YouTube after. I

34:23

was like fifteen temple. Team temple.

34:25

Team temple and then team temple.

34:28

Wait a second. Let me ask

34:30

because the gas digital

34:32

Wi Fi is not exemplary.

34:34

What's the difference

34:35

between mean temple and

34:37

team mental? Viewer

34:41

the content. the content is like

34:42

one of my mirror image at Iada.

34:44

The meme temple I

34:46

literally make memes sounds nerdy,

34:49

but I make memes and upload them.

34:51

But on team mental, I stream and then post the stream highlights to

34:53

that mostly. What's a meme you made? I made

34:55

a meme one time

34:58

when viral. I

34:59

made one. It was like

35:01

a picture of a potato, and it

35:03

said, like, potatoes

35:06

anyone. That's that was you. That's a good one. That's a classic.

35:08

That is me. You think a potato meme going viral

35:11

means it's sprouting?

35:12

God damn it.

35:14

Yeah. Now we gotta do a mash

35:18

up. That's good. Thanks very

35:20

much. Look at those when

35:22

I'm baked. freedom of

35:26

fries. Yeah. Excuse me. I'm

35:28

loaded. Sweet. I heard the talk's like that. When

35:30

he said that's sweet. Goddamn

35:32

sweet potato. That potato mean

35:34

I have plenty of eyes on it. Not

35:36

a big potato guy, but I do

35:38

love a good chip. Yes.

35:42

Wow. Look, believe me, I told

35:44

you that we were going to fucking maniac

35:47

town and it was

35:49

the job. Alright.

35:54

the

35:58

What's one

35:58

of your memes? Okay. I

36:00

have a meme. This one's hilarious.

36:02

It's my most popular meme. It's

36:05

like a photo of Obama,

36:07

really blurry. And then he says, let me

36:09

be clear, and then it turns into an HD

36:11

photo of him. I think it was

36:13

hilarious. It's pretty good. That is a good one. That is pretty good.

36:15

Yeah. There's another one where I

36:18

made a grant of the Tata five

36:20

consent, but I used British

36:22

voice actors. British slang

36:23

in it. People love that

36:25

one. Are you the

36:26

British voice? No. I had

36:28

other friends to do that. Okay. I can't do

36:30

other jokes in it all. I did.

36:33

Well, I I came. That was perfect. Thanks. Thanks. He's

36:34

a British guy in the

36:38

room. I did

36:39

a fucking I

36:42

didn't mean one time. It

36:44

was like I put Obama up and

36:46

I just wrote fucking

36:50

hope. There's a

36:51

lot of that

36:53

for his promotional stuff. Not really bad. Really? They picked

36:55

that up on the campaign. They did. Yeah. Almost Did

36:58

you make any money off of

37:00

that? Yep.

37:02

How much?

37:03

Sure. I'm trying to say. Oh, that

37:05

much. Wow. Yeah. Where

37:07

do you

37:09

live? Iowa. Sadler.

37:11

Oh, that's a nice

37:12

place. What are you doing Iowa? What's

37:14

there to do in Iowa?

37:17

I don't know, maybe farm

37:18

and look at some cornfields. That's

37:20

basically it. Yeah. It was a fucking

37:22

crash in Iowa years ago. A fucking

37:24

DC ten went down in the

37:26

airport. Do you remember that? I don't

37:28

remember that

37:29

actually. Oh, it was the

37:31

United DC ten flight. They

37:34

made a crash landing into a fucking airport in Iowa. Look

37:36

it up. It's fucking hilarious. Look

37:38

it up right

37:39

now. Yeah. Give it

37:41

a little check. pilot named Denny Fitch. I heard that

37:43

I heard them went off the runway and lost both wings

37:46

and they had to recover it with giant corn

37:48

cob holders.

37:50

Yep. That's it. That's the same crash. Exactly what happened. And

37:52

they and they fought Now I know he's talking

37:54

about. Yeah. They had to pick it up my

37:56

guy. I don't know. Right.

37:59

two

37:59

farm

37:59

boys. Yeah. DC ten was an explosion in the

38:02

back. They lost elevator control. It's a long

38:04

story. I don't need to go into it right now. I get it. This

38:06

is a nice meeting. Not a public

38:08

forum yet. Yeah. No. I understand. I was twenty

38:10

one. Dalton and I was. Do you ever

38:12

get up pretty early in

38:14

Des Moines?

38:15

No.

38:19

I didn't.

38:20

Babe, quick. Google some

38:23

more Iowa soon. Alright. Give me a rope so I can tie

38:25

a slip knot. Then from

38:28

Iowa. And the boy, you fucking

38:30

quarry taylor.

38:33

I was always eating

38:36

it. Oh,

38:37

man.

38:39

This is great.

38:41

hi had one. You

38:42

want more cities in

38:43

Iowa? Yeah. Give me a city in Iowa. Are

38:45

you from Iowa

38:47

City? No. I'm

38:48

from the third the city in Iowa. What's

38:50

the

38:50

third largest city? drilled Davenport.

38:53

Oh,

38:53

Davenport. I was

38:55

there one time, drilled. What's

38:58

that? See the rapids. See the rapids. That's in Iowa.

39:01

Yeah. Okay. Alright. Listen.

39:04

Thanks for coming on. The connection is

39:06

not perfect. but I want promote

39:08

your YouTube channel. We'll promote --

39:10

Lovely. -- what is it? It's fucking

39:14

Mean

39:14

Chemical and then Team

39:16

Chemical. I mean, talent,

39:19

team, magnitude. Alright.

39:21

Congratulations, Dalton. I'm being in the

39:23

Guinness Book World Records. Thank you

39:25

so much. It means a lot. Alright. Have a

39:27

good one, madam, brother.

39:30

Okay.

39:31

Born that class. Alright. Thank you.

39:33

She's rubbing my hand story at that point. Yeah. It's what girls do when they see my tuck

39:36

up. I can't blame

39:38

them. Yeah. They just go like that. They

39:40

make nice

39:42

of a woman. My friend got yelled at,

39:44

do it. It's a red headed girl one time, and he

39:46

was standing behind and just doing this

39:49

I've been laughing

39:52

about it for forty

39:54

years. She was so fucking mad as

39:56

a mother. Oh, and Karen

39:58

talked to her yet. He was just making a look like she had a

39:59

fire on her head. They're bossy veins. We're bossy

40:02

now. Yeah. It really

40:04

made me laugh. They mocktail like that, babe.

40:07

How many ads today? No ads

40:09

today. Good news. Oh.

40:13

Yeah. That's to do it for free. Yeah. Maybe if we rub

40:15

more stuff on

40:15

my tattoos, we'll get some more ads. That's

40:17

a great

40:18

point. She's got tattoos. Well,

40:20

we can

40:21

rub some stuff on

40:22

him. When you rub on some Mhmm. --

40:24

you know, keep him fresh.

40:25

That's nice. That's nice. Like, that one chip.

40:27

She's got Calvin pissing

40:30

on chip. That's that was the

40:32

one that

40:32

I was supposed to unveil. Oh, I'm so

40:34

sorry. Yes. The

40:35

road fight on Heidi. Sorry,

40:38

Volga. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Chip doesn't like it. I'm sorry. No. I

40:41

don't. Have you considered

40:41

letting any

40:44

sponsor tattooing? I

40:46

maybe.

40:46

Yeah.

40:47

Depends. Depends what it is. If

40:49

they pay for my boob job, then

40:51

yes. Okay. I feel like that's

40:52

How much is the boob job? like

40:55

the retainer. thousand

40:56

six hundred dollars.

40:58

Let's

40:58

go halfway there. Well, if you

41:00

just got one. Yeah. Exactly.

41:02

I was thinking about doing

41:03

one at a time. Yeah.

41:05

And then if I raise some extra money, I can get that third

41:07

one, like, the call

41:08

was totally off. No. You get one of

41:11

them back for dancing. Now

41:15

how big it tattoo would

41:17

you get? Let's just say daddy paid for

41:19

your bosoms. How big it to two?

41:21

How what kind of tattoo am I

41:23

getting to? Let's

41:24

get portrait. Yeah. Let's say Chipotle.

41:26

citizen, like like me looking up, like,

41:29

con contemplative. I

41:32

you know what I like? I I would like to put that maybe

41:35

right around my my

41:37

imagine tattoo right over here. That

41:38

would be perfect. What if it was Chip?

41:41

Just then now

41:42

just stay with me here, on your

41:44

back with his hands on your butt

41:46

sheets holding them open. So

41:48

if somebody was behind you, it looks like he was

41:50

presenting you. So a life-sized tattoo. Yeah.

41:52

I think that the

41:53

only fan subscriber would would really like that.

41:55

Strolling down your

41:56

back the way a pants' tattoo does.

41:59

opening

41:59

your butt cheeks looking

42:02

up. That's

42:02

built to the side. Yeah. People would love it.

42:04

I make so much money. It'd be crazy.

42:06

Yeah. Let's do that. See, maybe you could give

42:08

people a sponsor Thorns on your rose tattoo. Oh,

42:10

I like that. That's a

42:12

great idea.

42:12

guy writes his name on there. Yeah.

42:15

I'll start the bidding. I

42:17

bet twenty five dollars. Twenty five dollars. Twenty five dollars

42:19

hot on. Chip,

42:21

do you

42:23

have tattoos? No. No. Because

42:25

I can't be buried in

42:26

Jewish ceremony with that too. Are you Jewish

42:28

chipped? Yes. I am. I didn't

42:30

know that. I've known you for this whole

42:31

time. I didn't know

42:34

you're Jewish.

42:34

Yep. I thought I was the

42:36

world's biggest chip

42:37

fan, and I didn't know chip was

42:40

Jewish. Right?

42:43

Nobody knew it until just this

42:46

moment. Wow.

42:46

Even living with that this entire time, that is

42:48

so brave. I beat it up. I'm sorry.

42:51

Damn it. My mother was raving about how

42:53

much she agreed with Kanye. You know, I was just trying

42:55

to get her get her upset. You

42:57

got some multiple I'll tell

42:59

you that much. God. Here we go. Oh, here we go.

43:02

Jewish ones.

43:06

I've heard some big lies before, but that one really takes the Hey.

43:10

Don't pass over

43:14

me. Alright. You're being a real

43:16

honeymoon now. There you go. Hold on a second.

43:18

God dammit. I fucking

43:21

tore a bicep. He

43:32

married. Yeah. How many kids? We have

43:34

three kids. Wow. It's a lot. Mhmm.

43:36

How old? Fourteen,

43:37

twelve, and five. fourteen year

43:39

old or fourteen year old. Was that any step kids that are all your kids? No. They're all

43:41

my kids. We've been together this whole time. You look

43:43

young. Thank you. Thank you. I get there a

43:45

lot. Yeah. It's nice

43:47

to meet too. Mhmm.

43:48

Yeah. Chip, I thought you were, like, twenty

43:50

five. Yeah.

43:52

Really?

43:53

never

43:55

gets old. You've

43:56

never you've never dyed the hair. That's the

43:58

natural color. The natural color

43:59

of my hand of God. Now if it starts

44:02

going gray though, will you consider

44:04

life, like, I'll never die my hair. But now it's going gray,

44:06

I go. And maybe I can live with this. Yeah. No.

44:08

I would fucking keep it. You just gotta look

44:10

young. I see you gotta gray in the beard.

44:12

I think, Tim, you're close to CLAP with

44:14

his hair. You

44:14

think Are you growing

44:15

it out for that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm

44:17

growing all of it out so that I can shave all of it

44:19

except for the one part. By the

44:21

way, everybody thinks I was dating the fucking

44:24

CEO of FTX.

44:26

Did you get wrapped up in that whole thing? because you

44:28

lost so much money? No. I

44:29

just look like his girlfriend.

44:34

Alright. This one's

44:36

side by sides, and it's not

44:38

very complimentary to the young lady. It's gotta

44:41

be insult to injury, the entire world

44:43

of stories with you. And they're saying

44:45

your kids' girlfriend looks like Oh my god. She looks like the

44:47

FOG one, LAG one's nephew. Goddamn.

44:52

Big head. I mean, you

44:54

bring up the picture of a daddy

44:56

and her yeah. I ever know who

44:58

it was her. People have been pointing out

45:00

that she's got, like, Chippas and Vyze. I mean, a

45:03

lot of that entrepreneur. Yes. Yeah. Wonder

45:05

if she's got

45:05

any the money say money

45:08

saved. You don't have to when you look like

45:10

that. I wouldn't mind taking her out from Waltz, to be honest with you. You know,

45:12

who's got a pretty girlfriend, Snowden.

45:16

I've

45:16

never seen her. Edwards snowed. It's got a pretty bright orange wife now.

45:18

I don't know. She must be cold.

45:20

he must be cold

45:21

Goddamn. Baby to the wheel going

45:24

when it You've

45:26

led me to Humatown. Oh,

45:28

shit. Chip, you seen

45:30

anybody? What's Yeah. I got a few

45:32

here and there and whatnot

45:34

bouncing around.

45:37

Anybody famous that we

45:39

would know? Well,

45:40

I was.

45:42

I

45:43

was Fucking Pete Davidson. I

45:45

don't know. You're

45:46

a daily Pete Davidson. I

45:48

should have said phrase that

45:52

differently. I'm No. It was that Emily Girl. I don't wanna say all these things. I

45:54

can't. I thought you're gonna say

45:56

Gallagher. No. Do

45:56

you ever see Vajramatic? Yeah.

46:00

Yep. smashing

46:04

fruit. My mother

46:05

used to laugh.

46:08

Was she beat you? No.

46:10

She was great with both smash and

46:12

fruits. Lamar hated it. Yeah. Man, that's a waste.

46:17

Yeah. TV with what? Yeah.

46:20

Yeah. Yeah. They would

46:23

fucking just throw garbage.

46:27

You ever seen that

46:29

litter commercial? Mhmm. You

46:31

ever seen it?

46:32

Yeah. It makes me angry. I haven't seen it. That's

46:34

why I love it. too young to you ever litter? Chip,

46:36

do you ever litter? Even when you're, like, in a

46:38

rush somewhere and you can't find out a trash can. Do you

46:40

ever, in a moment of weakness, throw a little trash

46:43

on the ground? Yeah. I do it. I got people beep at me on

46:45

a highway, old tungrel, so my big mac

46:47

wrap this out. And my whole fucking

46:49

McDonald's bag and the

46:51

shake. they're not butt up, butt up, butt, loving it.

46:54

No. I don't get this whole anti letter thing.

46:56

Where do you want your cats to shit,

46:58

man? They

47:00

have fucking So

47:01

how much diet

47:04

coke do you want?

47:06

Wait. What's it? Oh, wait. That's on that foot

47:08

one tea. Zach is anti litter where your mom's sister shits in

47:10

the box.

47:15

Yeah. What is it that way? I'll tag it.

47:17

Say it again. Exactly. It's anti

47:19

litter where your mom's sister should

47:21

Oh, cold litter. That's

47:26

why you're

47:28

the

47:28

master chip. Yeah,

47:29

babe. You gotta

47:29

just know it's timing. Both the

47:32

golden boys. at

47:34

the worse than someone blocks. Yes,

47:38

man. I like to

47:40

improv. It doesn't like a litter. You

47:42

want dogs that have babies one at a Yeah. me all hug.

47:44

Oh, god, damn it.

47:46

Yeah. What are you supposed to like to start with? You

47:48

know? Take

47:51

a zip tie

47:55

and congratulate yourself.

48:00

How often do you

48:01

guys take the pod the cast? We do

48:03

it every

48:03

week. So yeah. We do that

48:05

every week. I get a new book out

48:07

called On Perks. go on perks dot

48:09

com. You could check that out. Is it park is

48:11

it park cassettes? It was. Unfortunately, Chip,

48:14

it was. I was whacked on it for a few years

48:16

and, unfortunately, even worse was very active on

48:18

Facebook during that time. Oh, no. You

48:20

posted a bunch of stuff. Right? Well, we all

48:22

know what's going wrong when they denied Christ.

48:24

They didn't go back. I know. I know. You

48:26

gotta go back in them to leave. Right. Right.

48:28

Right. Yeah. But yeah.

48:30

We

48:30

do the podcast every week

48:32

and way

48:32

you're on Percocets. You got it. Dick did. What'd you fucking go to rehab? No.

48:34

Well, I went to rehab ten

48:37

years prior for

48:39

cocaine and alcohol. but not for the

48:41

Perks. just turkey. Yeah. is kinda like of a a Star Wars and New Hope

48:44

situation where there are prequels, but we're

48:46

ignoring those.

48:48

literally for a Christmas festival. Christmas is my heart at

48:50

that stage. They're all in a little house.

48:52

How cute. We're fucking chewy kids.

48:56

Yeah. They called me Anakin paying killer.

48:58

You should tell Chip about going to Disney

49:00

on Parks. Yeah. Chip, you think Disney,

49:02

man? What's that? You like Disney World?

49:06

Yep. Oh, because I

49:06

went there when I first started doing painkillers,

49:09

I went to

49:09

Disney and I had to go to a Disney hospital because my

49:12

back was in such

49:14

bad Wait

49:14

wait. Oh, okay. You look at alright.

49:16

You had to go to a Disney hospital.

49:18

Mhmm.

49:19

ah what

49:21

did

49:21

you say? Someone slipped me a

49:24

Mickey. They look

49:26

at the yellow and goofy. Yeah. They look at

49:28

your pecker and they said it's a mini.

49:30

Right. I will tell you once I took those

49:32

pills, I was on Pluto. Okay. Fuck.

49:34

That's it. That's their job. No.

49:40

Didn't you get didn't you get a

49:42

duty stuck? Could you show constipated?

49:44

I did. I had to pull a poop out of my

49:46

own butt. Oh, good bike shit.

49:48

Did you use a fork? I used my own hand

49:50

to get up there. Alright. You'd be amazed at what the

49:52

asshole can In an airplane bathroom. No.

49:55

This was in the hotel. Oh, okay. How many

49:57

days since you had had since

49:59

you had evacuated a ship. It was close

50:01

to a week? Oh, yeah. You had a giant hole in your How

50:03

much was in there? Did it

50:05

go down the toilet? It did. It was like

50:06

a a ski ball sized turd. Wow.

50:09

There was a lot. Why didn't you

50:11

just use an enema? I had taken them and they weren't working. I

50:13

could feel it in, like, the on deck circle, but it

50:15

just wasn't coming out. Yeah.

50:17

So I had that's the worst. But when you go like

50:19

that, you can kinda feel it kinda like coming out the and

50:22

then it just kinda goes back there again.

50:26

Yeah. Yeah. I would've called Yeah.

50:28

Prairie dog.

50:30

So you pulled it out with your fingers.

50:33

I did, and then flushed down the toilet, washed my hands,

50:35

then I went to the magic kingdom with my family.

50:37

Oh, that's the nice time. Of course, you did. And

50:39

she put on this little white lodge at

50:41

all the creatures well. Try while they're doing

50:44

it. I've never

50:46

been to Disney.

50:48

I'll

50:49

take you there. What's

50:51

your

50:51

favorite ride? Oh, I

50:54

like space mountains. Not the log

50:56

flown. You would

50:59

love space mountain. Yeah. I would. People oh, I got a good joke

51:01

for that. People when I

51:04

was a kid

51:04

in school, people would tell me I should be an astronaut

51:06

because I took up a lot of space.

51:09

I thought that's

51:11

what they would

51:12

tell your mom.

51:14

I just cut that out.

51:16

My mother was a large woman. I

51:18

know. Chimp. She was She was

51:21

a marvelous woman. Wonderful woman.

51:23

She was Ruben studded esque.

51:25

God, I tell you one

51:27

thing. me a better voice, and I'll give you

51:29

ten dollars. Yeah. He deserves to

51:31

win that year. Season two in

51:33

American Idol pay. Roman started. Friend of mine got a picture with

51:35

him because he had no dignity. Picture of

51:38

everyone. Yeah. I remember. I got him. He's famous.

51:40

Did they call him that because of

51:42

his problem? What?

51:44

Ruben

51:45

studded? Did he

51:48

stutter? I don't know. That's what I'm trying to

51:50

find out. Yeah.

51:52

That

51:52

was a rumor. Yeah. We

51:54

don't ever approve that. Pinkie Lee

51:57

have four siblings. All

52:01

bigger than

52:03

her. End

52:06

of thumb.

52:07

No. That'd be five. Oh, yeah.

52:10

Sorry. Four siblings. Yeah. Chip, is

52:12

your big mother still with us? Yes. She

52:14

is. She's a marvelous woman in

52:16

perfect health. get

52:18

out.

52:20

You help

52:20

her out with that chip?

52:21

I do. I rub I rub I rub lotion

52:23

on her ankle. That's nice of you. Big angled woman.

52:25

It's a dirty woman. How big are her ankles?

52:28

Big. Big.

52:30

She won't fall over easily. No. She's

52:32

a sturdy woman. I can't try

52:35

to temper it nice. That's

52:37

true. Sometimes she stands out in

52:39

the yard. She's smoking a bent and

52:41

hedges or AAA cool of

52:43

Lamar's over. I don't

52:46

try to push her over. They try to

52:48

collect mushrooms from her. Shit piles.

52:50

That's not very nice. Just stop

52:52

it. She has a lot of skin tags. You should

52:54

tell her she should start smoking Virginia slims

52:56

because she's come a long way, baby.

52:58

You could

52:58

take down the counter. Damage. I wish

53:01

I knew more slogans. I fucking talk

53:03

with a British accent. I said,

53:05

have a parliament. This

53:11

it good is

53:14

good. what

53:15

do you guys promote? Just Mike's book. On first.

53:17

That's

53:17

on first dot com. Please please go preorder

53:19

it. Yeah. on first dot com. Wait.

53:21

It's the home I

53:23

can't read it. It's blurry. I

53:26

think that's on purpose ship. Yeah. Oh,

53:28

I'm just blurry. sure it says check. Remember the

53:30

t shirt that said too much sex blurs your

53:32

vision. It's like

53:34

a reference. I would always tell people you shirts

53:36

blurry. No. It's one

53:38

time I've seen a guy said I'm

53:40

not as drunk as you think I

53:44

am out like you're short

53:46

sported in pomply. I should take it

53:48

back.

53:50

Well, you're just letting them know. You're just being

53:53

nice. It's like when you walk around with a booger in

53:55

your nose the whole day and no one tells you. Yeah. They

53:57

just fish it out and eat

53:59

it. flying very Well, was

53:59

saving that fruit. I was saving that for

54:02

the crown. Let's get

54:04

a snack on it. You're

54:06

watching watch your crowd the

54:08

crown? No.

54:08

I'm not checking it out. No. I can't watch that.

54:10

I'm a downton Abbey man.

54:12

Oh, I've never seen downton Abbey. I heard

54:14

it's a marvelous program. You'd love it. Which

54:18

favorite Well, I can

54:19

only think about Navi

54:22

now. I can't remember any other television shows.

54:24

Have you

54:26

seen PrAnos No.

54:28

Is it is this worth

54:29

checking out? Not the mafia. Yeah.

54:32

Yeah. It's pretty cool. Where do you

54:33

start with the last

54:35

episode? No. Start with the movie.

54:36

Start with the last episode. The movie. That's from that's

54:38

the best. I didn't like the series as much as

54:40

the movie. The movie really nailed it for

54:42

me. Yeah. Really get you in to

54:44

it. Yeah. No. It didn't. It wasn't very good. Oh,

54:48

Chip. Chip, are you a titan? I

54:50

see you're Why?

54:52

Band. what's

54:53

that? Your headband's red, white, and green. Are you Italian? Is that

54:55

what you like, Suprinos? There's a little Italian in me.

54:57

I think I'm Scottish.

55:00

This is a lot

55:03

of fun.

55:04

How about a round of

55:06

applause for

55:07

the dad meat guys they

55:09

pass their audition. Thank you, Chip. Thank

55:12

you,

55:14

Zulu. And you know what

55:15

the best part is? Tim

55:17

is gonna practice this without any without a

55:20

hint of humor. I I

55:22

can get a fucking this fucking help in

55:24

sales on road.

55:27

I understand. So

55:29

get on where can you get

55:31

on purchases? On Amazon? Is it in Barnes?

55:33

Noble? You don't wanna book signing. Only on my own site,

55:35

own perks dot com. And You guys do all

55:37

the shipping? I do. It's a pain in the ass. Why are

55:39

you doing that? Because

55:41

I sold my first two through Amazon and they haven't

55:44

paid me royalties in about three years. Yeah. So

55:46

I'll give your cut to anyone.

55:48

Yes. Welcome. So it's a lot of workflows. really they they haven't paged royalties

55:50

in

55:50

two or three years. Like, chip chip chip into it.

55:52

They keep

55:52

sending me emails saying that I need to update

55:56

my back information. I updated it, and they still won't give me any money. What

55:58

should I do?

55:59

Fuckers. I would just

56:02

fucking update it.

56:04

david He did.

56:06

I'm making big picture. He also he also

56:08

cut out the printer and he's handwriting each copy, which

56:10

is a part of the Oh, not to call me

56:12

a lot more work. Write the Wanda.

56:16

Well, if

56:16

it makes dollars, it makes sense. That's what

56:18

I'm

56:18

saying, buddy. Fuck me. Yeah. Don't fuck the

56:20

system. I mean, we gotta go again. Yeah.

56:23

Oh, dear. You're just watering away that. You know, you

56:25

just keep going. What are you fucking physically happening?

56:27

I couldn't ZEA, you are a dime.

56:29

I was Yeah.

56:31

Yeah. Log the nicest thing anyone's ever

56:33

said to me. Hey, that's my

56:35

girl. Cash me outside.

56:38

Oh, yes. She like her.

56:39

Cash me outside. Right.

56:42

Well,

56:42

good. Now I now I can say yes. I don't wait

56:44

a few. I don't wait a minute. Zach's

56:46

been tugging his pegasus doctor Phil.

56:49

I'll say my parents do

56:51

doctor Phil. Yeah. He seems

56:53

like he cares. Right?

56:56

Absolutely. Yeah. Alright. So get on perks at on perks dot com, PERCS

56:59

and fuck, dad, me. You guys got a

57:01

Patreon? We do. Yeah. You go to the Patreon.

57:03

Oh, what do you do

57:06

on it? Extra

57:06

podcast every week. We're gonna start putting up sketches.

57:08

We've done some of those in the past. We're gonna do

57:10

more of those in the future. And when we

57:12

when we

57:13

hit five thousand subscribers, we're doing

57:15

a meetup medieval times. That's a good question.

57:17

more. Yep. It's gonna be an army of three cards. It's

57:19

a real thing to be able times. I went there for

57:21

my five

57:21

year anniversary and

57:23

I don't remember anything. It was

57:26

awesome. I'm gonna eat with

57:27

my hands. We always wanted to go.

57:29

Baltimore is great. I have AII

57:31

put all my stuff in yourself

57:33

Storage in Baltimore.

57:36

Wait. Wait. Wait. Is it still there?

57:38

Yep. It's

57:39

called yourself storage. Which

57:41

one?

57:41

It's in

57:43

Baltimore. Okay? And and

57:44

you've checked on

57:45

your stuff and it's actually

57:46

Yeah. Which locker number? I'm

57:48

not I asked my It's

57:50

actually my friend, Benjamin Raspell, put

57:53

me onto it. Okay.

57:54

Wait.

57:55

December

57:56

the fifteenth

57:58

You don't need to promote that.

58:00

It's gonna come warm. I'm the only

58:03

show in Philadelphia at

58:05

the ECW arena. It's

58:07

where the ECW wrestling in the

58:10

nineties. It's myself, Ryan Schaehner, and La

58:12

Merle. I'm really, really excited.

58:14

That's great. And if you

58:16

wanna see Norton,

58:18

Paramount Theater fucking March

58:20

third or fourth and fucking New Year's

58:22

Eve Levity Live. He's excited about

58:25

it. he's panicky. He's not gonna sell tickets. What

58:27

about you babe, Zealand, what?

58:29

Zealand everywhere. Subscribe to my YouTube, my

58:31

Twitch, and my only fan please. My

58:33

house is really expensive. So it's

58:36

don't buy a

58:36

house. Just don't do it. XIALAND

58:39

Alright.

58:39

Now do you guys know how we end?

58:42

I don't. day

58:43

before. I've messed up. I'm

58:44

so sorry. I don't wanna get fired.

58:45

Okay. So we can't down. And when we get to the end,

58:48

you say,

58:50

Chippy Kaye in this part's super important.

58:52

Oh, yeah. We only show.

58:54

Clearly, from what you

58:55

guys have her. That's right.

58:58

We say chippee ki a motherfuckers. We

59:00

don't

59:00

like to. Even bigger guns. Right. If you want

59:02

to, but People don't choose to.

59:04

No. Now ten euro guests pick a number.

59:08

7654321

59:14

Shifty kitty motherfuckers. To keep in

59:17

mind that there will be people who

59:19

try to bring you down But

59:21

if you level up and then they try to bring you

59:24

down,

59:24

it will not be possible.

59:26

Hey. Hey.

59:26

Hey. What's up party? People

59:44

There's always time for

59:46

the drive

59:47

through deal

59:50

because no or how fast

59:52

you are at making breakfast?

59:54

McDonald's is faster.

59:56

Start your morning at McDonald's and

59:58

enjoy one of our tasty

59:59

bagel sandwiches, For breakfast,

1:00:02

try the steak egg and cheese bagel

1:00:04

or the sausage egg and cheese bagel,

1:00:06

order ahead on our app and pick it

1:00:08

up curbside. Price and

1:00:10

participation may vary. Make the app download and

1:00:12

registration require.