0:00

This Fort Wayne Philharmonic season is bigger,

0:02

bolder and beyond. Join us on Saturday,

0:05

March 23rd at our performance hall at

0:07

PFW Music Center as we welcome pianist

0:09

and crooner extraordinaire Tony Deser for Sinatra

0:12

and Beyond. Caleb Young conducts the Fort

0:14

Wayne Philharmonic as Mr. Deser brings his

0:16

infectious versions of Sinatra standards and more.

0:19

Come fly with us for a swing

0:21

through America songbook with two performances on

0:23

March 23rd. Sinatra and

0:25

Beyond with Tony Deser. For tickets

0:28

go to fwphil.org. It

0:31

is a fact universally known that

0:33

the contract of I'll do

0:35

absolutely anything for you becomes

0:37

null and void once

0:39

the one professing on dying devotion is shamelessly

0:43

jilted. At least

0:45

one would suppose. PG

0:48

Woodhouse, today on the Classic

0:50

Tales Podcast. Welcome

1:08

to the Classic Tales Podcast. Thank you

1:10

for listening. The vintage

1:12

episode for the week is The

1:14

Canterville Ghost by Oscar Wilde. Be

1:17

sure to check it out on Tuesday. If

1:19

you found a special value in this show,

1:22

please become a monthly supporter and

1:24

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1:46

classictalesaudiobooks.com. Thanks

1:48

for pitching in. Today's story

1:50

is another in the series of PG

1:52

Woodhouse short stories found in the volume

1:54

My Man Jeeves. Reggie is at

1:57

it again. I hope you like it. Well,

2:00

Doing Clarence a Bit of Good by

2:03

P.G. Woodhouse.

2:21

Have you ever thought about, when

2:24

I say thought about, I mean really

2:26

carefully consider the question of the

2:28

coolness, the cheek, or if

2:31

you prefer it, the goal with which

2:33

woman is a sex fairly bursts? I

2:36

have, I jove, but then I

2:38

have had it thrust on my notice by George

2:40

in a way I should imagine has happened to

2:43

pretty few fellows, and the limit

2:45

was reached by that business of the

2:47

Yeardsley Venus. To make

2:49

you understand the full, what do you call it,

2:51

of the situation, I shall have

2:53

to explain just how matters stood between

2:56

Mrs. Yeardsley and myself. When

2:58

I first knew her she was

3:00

Elizabeth Schulbread, old Worcestershire

3:03

family, pots of money, pretty as a

3:05

picture. Her brother Bill was

3:07

at Oxford with me. I

3:09

loved Elizabeth Schulbread, I loved her,

3:12

don't you know? And

3:14

there was a time for about a week when

3:16

we were engaged to be married, but

3:18

just as I was beginning to take a serious

3:20

view of life and study

3:22

furniture catalogs and feel

3:25

pretty solemn when the restaurant orchestra

3:27

played the wedding glide, I'm hanged

3:29

if she didn't break it off, and

3:31

a month later she was married to a

3:33

fellow of the name of Yeardsley, Clarence

3:36

Yeardsley, an artist. What

3:38

with golf and billiards and a bit of

3:40

racing, the fellows at the club

3:43

rallying round and kind of taking me

3:45

out of myself, as it were, I got

3:47

over it and came to look on the

3:49

affair as a closed page in the book of my life,

3:51

if you know what I mean. It

3:53

didn't seem likely to me that we should meet again,

3:56

as she and Clarence had settled down in

3:58

the country somewhere. never came to

4:00

London, and I am bound to

4:02

own that by the time I got her

4:04

letter the wound had pretty well healed, and

4:07

I was, to a certain extent, sitting

4:09

up and taking nourishment. In fact,

4:11

to be absolutely honest, I was jolly thankful the

4:13

thing had ended as it had done. This

4:17

letter I am telling you about arrived

4:19

one morning out of a blue sky, as it

4:21

were. It ran like this. My

4:24

dear old Reggie, what ages

4:26

it seems since I saw anything of

4:28

you. How are you? We

4:31

have settled down here in the most perfect

4:33

old house, with a lovely garden

4:35

in the middle of a delightful country.

4:37

Couldn't you run down here for a few

4:39

days? Clarence and I would be

4:42

so glad to see you. Bill is here,

4:44

and is most anxious to meet you again. He

4:47

was speaking of you only this morning.

4:49

Do come, wire your train, and

4:51

I will send the car to meet you.

4:54

Yours most sincerely, Elizabeth

4:57

Yeardsley. P.S. We

4:59

can give you new milk and fresh eggs. Think

5:01

of that. P.P.S. Bill

5:04

says our billiard table is one of the best

5:06

he has ever played on. P.P.S.S.

5:10

We are only half a mile from a

5:12

golf course. Bill says it is better than

5:14

St. Andrews. P.P.S.S.S.

5:17

You must come. Well,

5:21

a fellow comes down to breakfast one morning, with a

5:23

bit of a head-on, and finds a

5:25

letter like that from a girl who

5:27

might quite easily have blighted his life. It

5:30

rattled me, rather, I must confess. However,

5:34

that bit about the golf settled me.

5:37

I knew Bill knew what he was

5:39

talking about, and if he said the course

5:41

was so topping, it must be something

5:43

special. So I went. Old

5:46

Bill met me at the station with the car. I

5:48

hadn't come across him for some months. I

5:51

was glad to see him again, and he apparently

5:53

was glad to see me. Thank

5:55

goodness you've come, he said

5:57

as we drove off. I was about as my

5:59

life changed. last grip. "'What's the

6:01

trouble, old scout?' I asked. "'If

6:04

I heard the artistic—what's-his-name?' he

6:07

went on. "'It was a mere mention

6:09

of pictures—didn't give me the pimp. I

6:11

daresay it wouldn't be so bad. As

6:13

it is, it's rotten. Pictures?

6:16

Pictures! Nothing else is mentioned

6:18

in this household. Clarence

6:20

is an artist, so is his father. Have

6:23

you know yourself what Elizabeth is like when

6:25

one gives her her head?' I

6:28

remembered then—it hadn't come back

6:30

to me before—that most of my time

6:33

with Elizabeth had been spent in picture

6:35

galleries. During the period when

6:37

I had let her do just what she wanted to do with

6:39

me, I had to follow

6:41

her like a dog through gallery after gallery,

6:44

though pictures are poison to me, just

6:46

as they are to old Bill. Somehow

6:48

it had never struck me that she would still be

6:50

going on in this way after marrying

6:53

an artist. I should have thought

6:55

that by this time the mere sight of a picture

6:57

would have fed her up. Not

6:59

so, however, according to old Bill. "'They

7:02

talk pictures at every meal,' he

7:04

said. "'I tell you, it makes a chap

7:06

feel out of it. How long are

7:08

you down for?' "'A few days. Take

7:11

my tip. Now let me send you a

7:13

wire from London. I go there tomorrow.

7:15

I promise to play against the Scottish. The

7:18

idea was that I was to come back after

7:20

the match, but you couldn't get me

7:22

back with a lasso.' I

7:25

tried to point out the silver lining, but

7:27

Bill old Scout, your sister

7:29

says there's the most corking links near

7:31

here." He

7:33

turned and stared at me, and

7:35

nearly ran us into the bank. "'You

7:38

don't mean honestly she said that.'

7:41

"'She said you said it was better than St. Andrews.' So

7:43

I did. "'Was that all she said?'

7:45

I said. "'Well, wasn't it enough?'

7:49

She didn't happen to mention that I added the

7:51

words, I don't think. No,

7:53

she forgot to tell me that. It's

7:55

the worst course in Great Britain. I

7:58

feel rather stunned, don't you know?' Whether

8:00

it's a bad habit to have got into or not,

8:02

I can't say, but I simply can't do

8:05

without my daily allowance of golf when I'm not

8:07

in London. I took another

8:09

whirl at the silver lining. We'll

8:11

have to take it out in billions," I

8:13

said. I'm glad the table's good." It

8:16

depends on what you call good. It's

8:18

half-size, and there's a seven-inch cut

8:20

out of the bork where Clarence's cue

8:22

slipped. Elizabeth has mended it

8:25

with pink silk. Very smart

8:27

and dressy it looks, but it doesn't improve the

8:29

thing of the billiard table. But

8:32

she said you said, Must have been

8:34

pulling your leg. We

8:36

turned in at the drive-gates of a good-sized

8:39

house, standing well back from the road. It

8:42

looked black and sinister in the dusk.

8:45

I couldn't help feeling it out, like one

8:47

of those jones you read about in stories who

8:49

allured to lonely houses for

8:51

rummy purposes and hear a shriek just

8:53

as they get there. Elizabeth

8:56

knew me well enough to know that a

8:58

specially good golf course was a safe draw

9:00

to me, and she had

9:02

deliberately played on her knowledge. What

9:05

was the game? That was what I wanted to

9:07

know. And then a

9:09

sudden thought struck me, which brought

9:11

me out in a cold perspiration. She

9:14

had some girl down here and was going to

9:16

have a stab at marrying me off. I

9:19

have often heard that young married women were all

9:21

over that sort of thing. Apparently

9:24

she had said that there was nobody at the

9:26

house but Clarence and herself and Bill and Clarence's

9:28

father, but a woman who

9:30

could take the name of St. Andrews in vain, as

9:33

she had done, wouldn't be likely

9:35

to stick in a trifle. Bill,

9:38

old scout, I said, there

9:40

aren't any frightful girls or any rot

9:42

of that sort stopping here either. I

9:45

wish there were, he said, no such

9:47

luck. As

9:49

we pulled up at the front door, it opened,

9:52

and the woman's figure appeared. Have

9:55

you got him, Bill? she said,

9:58

which in my present frame of mind struck me. me

10:00

as a jolly creepy way of putting it." The

10:02

sort of thing Lady Macbeth might have said to Macbeth, don't

10:04

you know? "'Do you mean me?'

10:06

I said. She came

10:08

down into the light. It was

10:11

Elizabeth, looking just the same as in

10:13

the old days. "'Is that

10:15

you, Reggie? I'm so glad you

10:17

were able to come. I

10:19

was afraid you might have forgotten all about it. You

10:22

know what you are. Come along

10:24

in and have some tea.' "'Have

10:27

you ever been turned down by a

10:29

girl who afterwards married and had

10:31

been introduced to her husband? If

10:34

so, you'll understand how I felt when Clarence burst

10:36

on me. You know the feeling. First

10:39

of all, when you hear about the marriage, you say to

10:41

yourself, I wonder what he's like? Then

10:44

you meet him and think, there must be

10:46

some mistake. She can't have

10:48

preferred this to me. That's

10:51

what I thought when I set my eyes

10:53

on Clarence. He

10:55

was a little thin, nervous-looking chappy,

10:57

of about thirty-five. His

10:59

hair was getting gray at the temples and straggly

11:01

on top. He wore posne,

11:04

and he had a drooping moustache. I'm

11:07

no bombardier Wells myself, but in

11:09

front of Clarence I felt quite a nut. And

11:12

Elizabeth, mind you, is one of

11:14

those tall, splendid girls who look like

11:17

princesses. Honestly, I believe

11:19

women do it out of pure cussardness. How

11:22

do you do, Mr. Pepper? Hark! Can

11:24

you hear a mewing cat? said Clarence,

11:26

all in one breath, don't you know? Eh?

11:29

I said. A mewing cat! I feel

11:31

sure I hear a mewing cat. Listen!"

11:35

While we were listening, the door opened,

11:37

and a white-haired old gentleman came in. He

11:40

was built on the same lines as Clarence. That

11:43

was an earlier model. I

11:45

took him correctly to be Mr. Yeardsley, Sr.

11:48

Elizabeth introduced us. Father!

11:51

said Clarence, did you hear a mewing

11:53

cat outside? I feel positive I heard

11:55

a cat mewing. No!

11:58

said the father, shaking. his head. "'No,

12:01

mewing cat. I can't bear mewing cats,'

12:03

said Clarence. A mewing

12:06

cat gets on my nerves." "'A

12:09

mewing cat is so trying,' said

12:11

Elizabeth. "'I dislike mewing

12:13

cats,' said old Mr.

12:16

Yeardsley. "'It was

12:18

all about mewing cats for the moment. They

12:20

seemed to think they had covered the ground

12:22

satisfactorily, and they went back to pictures. We

12:26

talked about pictures steadily, till

12:28

it was time to dress for dinner. At least

12:30

they did. I just sort

12:32

of sat around. Presently

12:34

the subject of picture robberies came up.

12:38

Somebody mentioned the Mona Lisa, and

12:40

then I happened to remember seeing something in the

12:42

evening paper, as I was coming

12:44

down in the train, about some fellow somewhere

12:46

having had a valuable painting pinched

12:48

by burglars the night before. It

12:51

was the first time I had had a chance

12:53

of breaking into the conversation with any effect, and

12:56

meant to make the most of it. The

12:58

paper was in the pocket of my overcoat in the

13:00

hall. I went and fetched it. "'Here

13:03

it is,' I said. "'A romney

13:05

belonging to Sir Bellamy Palmer?' They

13:08

all shouted. "'What?' Exactly

13:10

at the same time, like a chorus. Elizabeth

13:13

grabbed the paper. Let me look. "'All

13:16

right. Late last night burglars entered

13:18

the residence of Sir Bellamy Palmer,

13:21

Dryden Park, Midford Hunt's—' "'Well,

13:23

that's near here,' I said. I

13:25

passed through Midford. "'Dryden Park

13:27

is only two miles from this house,' said

13:30

Elizabeth. I noticed her eyes

13:32

were sparkling. "'Only two miles,'

13:35

she said. "'It might have been us. It

13:37

might have been the Venus.' "'Old

13:40

Mr. Year'sley bounded in his chair.

13:42

"'The Venus!' he cried. We

13:45

all seemed wonderfully excited. My

13:47

little contribution to the evening's chat had made

13:49

quite a hit. Why

13:51

I didn't notice it before, I don't know, but

13:54

it was not till Elizabeth showed it to

13:56

me after dinner that I had my first

13:58

look at the Year'sley—' Venus. When

14:01

she led me up to it and switched on the

14:03

light, it seemed impossible that I

14:05

could have sat right through dinner without

14:07

noticing it. But then

14:09

at meals my attention is pretty well riveted

14:12

on the foodstuffs. Anyway,

14:14

it was not till Elizabeth showed it to

14:16

me that I was aware of its existence. She

14:19

and I were alone in the drawing-room after

14:21

dinner. Old Yeardsley was writing

14:24

letters in the morning-room, while

14:26

Bill and Clarence were rollicking on

14:28

the half-sized billiard table with the

14:30

pink-silk tapestry effect. All

14:32

in fact was jolly, jolly-y and so on,

14:35

so to speak, when Elizabeth, who had

14:37

been sitting wrapped in thought for a bit, bent

14:39

towards me and said, Reggie?

14:43

At the moment she said it I knew

14:45

something was going to happen. You know,

14:47

that pre-what-do-you-call-it you get sometimes?

14:49

Well, I got it then.

14:51

What-oh! I said nervously.

14:54

Reggie? She said, I want

14:57

to ask a great favor of you. Yes?

15:01

She stooped down and put a log on the

15:03

fire and went on with her back to

15:05

me. Do you

15:07

remember, Reggie, once saying

15:09

you would do anything in the

15:12

world for me? There. That's

15:14

what I meant when I said that about the

15:16

cheek of woman as a sex. What

15:19

I mean is, after what had happened, you'd

15:21

have thought you would have preferred to let the

15:23

dead past bury its dead and all that sort

15:25

of thing what? Mind you, I

15:27

had said I would do anything in the world for

15:29

her. I admit that. But

15:32

it was a distinctly pre-Clarence remark.

15:35

He hadn't appeared on the scene then, and it

15:38

sounds to reason that a fellow who may

15:40

have been the perfect Knight-errant to a girl

15:42

when he was engaged to her doesn't feel

15:44

nearly so keen on spreading himself in

15:47

that direction, and she has given him

15:49

the missing bulk and gone and married

15:51

a man who reason and instinct both

15:53

tell him as a decided blighter. I

15:57

couldn't think of anything to say

15:59

but Oh, yes.

16:02

There's something you can do for me now, which

16:05

will make me everlastingly grateful."

16:08

Yes, I said. "'Do

16:11

you know, Reggie,' she said

16:13

suddenly, that only a few months ago

16:15

Clarence was very fond of cats? Eh?

16:19

Well, he still seems interested in

16:21

them." What?

16:23

Now they get on his nerves. Everything

16:26

gets on his nerves. Some fellows

16:28

swear by that stuff you see advertised all

16:31

over that, no, that wouldn't help him. He

16:33

doesn't need to take anything. He wants to

16:35

get rid of something. I

16:38

don't quite follow. Get rid of something." "'The

16:41

Venus,' said Elizabeth. She

16:44

looked up and caught my bulging eye. "'You

16:47

saw the Venus,' she said.

16:50

"'Not that I remember. Well come

16:52

into the dining room.' She

16:54

went into the dining room and she switched on the

16:56

lights. "'There,' she

16:58

said. "'On the

17:00

wall, close to the door—that

17:02

may have been why I hadn't noticed it before.

17:05

I had sat with my back to it—was

17:07

a large oil painting. It

17:10

was what you'd call a classical picture, I suppose.

17:13

But I mean is, well, you know what I mean. All

17:16

I can say is that it's funny I hadn't noticed it.

17:19

Is that the Venus?' I said. She

17:21

nodded. "'How would you like

17:23

to have to look at that every time you sat down to

17:25

a meal?' "'Well, I don't know. I

17:28

don't think it would affect me much. I'd

17:30

worry through all right.' She

17:33

jerked her head impatiently. "'But you're

17:35

not an artist,' she said. Clarence

17:38

is.' "'And then I

17:40

began to see daylight. What

17:42

exactly was the trouble I didn't understand?

17:45

But it was evidently something to do with

17:47

the good old artistic temperament. I

17:50

could believe anything about that. It

17:52

explains everything. It's like

17:54

the unwritten law, don't you know, which you plead

17:56

in America, if you've done anything they want to

17:58

send you to Ch- jokey for, and you don't

18:00

want to go. What I

18:03

mean is, if you're absolutely off your

18:05

rocker, but don't find it convenient

18:07

to be scooped into the loony bin, you

18:09

simply explain that when you said

18:11

you were a teapot, it was

18:13

just your artistic temperament, and

18:15

they apologize and go away. So

18:18

I stood by just to hear how the

18:20

A.T. had affected Clarence, the cat's friend, ready

18:22

for anything, and believe me,

18:25

it had hit Clarence badly. It

18:27

was this way. It seemed

18:30

that old Yeardsley was an amateur

18:32

artist, and that this Venus was

18:34

his masterpiece. He said

18:36

so, and he ought to have known. So

18:39

when Clarence married, he had given it

18:41

to him as a wedding present, and

18:43

had hung it where it stood with his own hands.

18:46

All right, so far, what? But

18:48

mark the sequel. Temperamental

18:51

Clarence, being a professional artist, and

18:53

consequently some streets ahead of the

18:55

dad of the game, saw

18:57

flaws in the Venus. He couldn't

18:59

stand it at any price. He

19:02

didn't like the drawing. He didn't like the expression

19:04

of the face. He didn't like the coloring. In

19:07

fact, it made him quite ill to look at it. Yet

19:10

being devoted to his father, and wanting

19:13

to do anything rather than give him pain,

19:15

he had not been able to bring himself to store

19:18

the thing in the cellar. The

19:20

strain of confronting the picture three times a

19:22

day had begun to tell on

19:24

him to such an extent that Elizabeth

19:26

felt something had to be done. Now,

19:30

you see, she said. In

19:32

a way, I said. But

19:34

don't you think it's making rather heavy

19:36

weather over a trifle? Oh,

19:39

can't you understand? Look!

19:42

Her voice dropped as if she was in church,

19:44

and she switched on another light. It

19:46

shone on the picture next to old Yardsley's. There!

19:50

she said. Clarence painted that!

19:54

She looked at me expectantly, as if

19:56

she were waiting for me to swoon or yell or

19:58

something. I took a steady look.

20:00

look at Clarence's effort. It was

20:02

another classical picture. It seems to

20:04

me very much like the other one. Some

20:08

sort of art criticism was evidently expected

20:10

of me, so I made a dash at

20:12

it. "'Err, Venus,'

20:15

I said. "'Mark, you Sherlock

20:17

Holmes would have made the same mistake. On the

20:19

evidence, I mean.' "'No, Jockenspring,'

20:22

she snapped. She switched off the

20:25

light. "'I see you don't understand

20:27

even now. You never had any taste

20:29

of our pictures. When we used to go

20:31

to the galleries together, you would far rather have been

20:33

at your club.' This

20:36

was so absolutely true that I had no

20:38

remark to make. She came

20:40

up to me and put a hand on my arm.

20:43

"'Sorry, Reggie, I didn't mean to be cross. Only

20:46

I do want to make you understand that Clarence

20:49

is suffering. Suppose—' "'Suppose?

20:53

Well, let us take the case of a great musician.

20:56

Suppose a great musician had to sit and

20:58

listen to a cheap vulgar tune, the same

21:00

tune, day after day, day

21:02

after day. Wouldn't you expect his

21:05

nerves to break? Well, it's

21:07

just like that with Clarence. Now,

21:09

you see? "'Yes, but—' "'What?

21:13

Surely I've put it plainly enough. "'Yes.

21:15

But what I mean is, where

21:17

do I come in? What do you want

21:19

me to do?' "'I want

21:22

you to steal the Venus.' "'I

21:24

looked at her. "'You want

21:27

me to steal it, Reggie?' Her

21:29

eyes were shining with excitement. "'Don't

21:31

you see? It's Providence. When I asked

21:33

you to come here, I had just

21:35

got the idea. I knew I

21:38

could rely on you. And then by a

21:40

miracle, this robbery of the Romney takes place

21:42

at a house not two miles away. It

21:45

removes the last chance of the

21:47

poor old man suspecting anything and

21:49

having his feelings hurt. That's

21:51

the most wonderful compliments to him. Think!

21:54

One night thieves steal a

21:56

splendid Romney. The next the

21:58

same gang take his—' is Venus. It'll

22:01

be the proudest moment of his life. Do

22:04

it tonight, Reggie. I'll give you a sharp

22:06

knife. You simply cut the canvas out of

22:08

the frame and it's done." "'But one

22:10

moment,' I said. "'I'd

22:12

be delighted to be of any use to you,

22:14

but—' In a purely family affair

22:16

like this—" "'Wouldn't it be better? In

22:19

fact, how about tackling old Bill on

22:22

the subject?' "'I've asked

22:24

Bill already. Yesterday he

22:26

refused. "'But if I'm caught—' "'You

22:29

can't be. All you have to

22:31

do is to take the picture, open

22:33

one of the windows, leave it open,

22:35

and go back to your room.' "'That

22:37

sounded simple enough. I'd asked

22:39

of the picture itself. When I've got it—'

22:42

"'Burn it. I'll see that you have

22:44

a good fire in your room. But—" She

22:47

looked at me. She always did have the

22:49

most wonderful eyes. "'Reggie,'

22:53

she said. "'Nothing more. Just

22:55

Reggie.' She

22:57

looked at me. "'Well, after all,

22:59

if you see what I mean. The days that

23:01

are no more, don't you know? All the

23:03

laying zyling and that sort of thing. You

23:06

follow me.' "'All right,'

23:08

I said. "'I'll do

23:10

it.' "'I don't know if you

23:13

happen to be one of those Johnnies who are steeped

23:15

in crime and so forth, and

23:17

think nothing of pinching diamond necklaces.

23:19

If you're not, you'll understand that I

23:22

felt a lot less keen on the job

23:24

I'd taken on when I sat in my

23:26

room, waiting to get

23:28

busy than I had done when I promised

23:30

to tackle it in the dining-room. On

23:33

paper it all seemed easy enough,

23:35

but I couldn't help feeling there was a

23:37

catch somewhere, and I've never known time

23:40

passed slower. The kick-off was

23:42

scheduled for one o'clock in the morning, when

23:44

the households might be expected to be pretty

23:47

sound asleep, but at a quarter to

23:49

two I couldn't stand it any longer. I lit

23:51

the lamp and I had taken from Bill's bicycle,

23:54

took a grip of my knife, and

23:56

slunk downstairs. The

23:59

first thing I did on getting to the dining room

24:01

was to open the window. I had

24:03

half a mind to smash it so as to give

24:05

an extra bit of local colour to the affair, but

24:08

decided not to on account of the noise. I

24:11

had put my lantern on the table and

24:13

was just reaching out for it, for when

24:15

something happened. What it was

24:17

for the moment I couldn't have said. It might

24:20

have been an explosion of some sort or

24:22

an earthquake. Some solid object

24:24

caught me a frightful whack on the

24:26

chin. Sparks and things

24:29

occurred inside my head, and the

24:31

next thing I remember is feeling something

24:33

wet and cold splash into my face,

24:35

and hearing a voice that sounded like old

24:37

Bill's say, "'Feeling better now?" I

24:41

sat up. The lights were on,

24:43

and I was on the floor, with

24:45

old Bill kneeling beside me with a

24:48

soda siphon. "'What happened?' I

24:50

said. "'I'm awfully sorry, old man,'

24:53

he said. I hadn't a notion it

24:55

was young. I came in here

24:57

and saw a lantern on the table, and the

24:59

window open, and a chap with a knife in

25:01

his hand, so I didn't stop to make

25:03

inquiries. I just let go of

25:05

his jaw for all I was worth. "'What on

25:08

earth do you think you're doing? Were

25:10

you walking in your sleep?' "'It was

25:12

Elizabeth,' I said. "'Why, you know all

25:14

about it. She said she had told

25:16

you.' "'You don't mean the picture.

25:19

You refused to take it on, so

25:22

she asked me.' "'Redgy old man,' he

25:24

said. "'I'll never believe what they

25:26

say about repentance again. It's

25:29

a fool's trick and upsets everything. If

25:31

I hadn't repented and thought it was a

25:34

little rough on Elizabeth not to do a

25:36

little thing like that for her, and

25:38

come down here to do it after all, you

25:41

wouldn't have stopped that sleep producer

25:43

with your chin. I'm sorry.' "'Me

25:45

too,' I said, giving

25:47

my head another shake to make certain

25:49

it was still on. "'Are you feeling

25:51

better now?' "'Better than I was. That's

25:54

not saying much. Would you like

25:56

some more soda water? No. How

25:58

about getting this job finished?' finished and going to bed.

26:01

And let's be quick about it, too. He

26:03

made a noise like a ton of bricks when he went

26:05

down just now, and it's on the card

26:08

some of the servants may have heard. Toss

26:10

you who carves." "'Heads!' "'Tales

26:13

at ease,' he said, uncovering the

26:15

coin. "'Up you get. I'll

26:17

hold the light. Don't spike yourself on

26:19

that sword of gnaws.' It

26:21

was as easy a job as Elizabeth had said. Just

26:24

four quick cuts, and the thing came out of

26:26

its frame like an oyster. I

26:29

rolled it up. But Bill

26:31

had put the lantern on the

26:33

floor and was at the sideboard,

26:35

collecting whisky, soda, and glasses. "'We've

26:37

got a long evening before us,' he said.

26:40

"'You can't burn a picture of that size in

26:42

one chunk. You'd set the chimney on fire. Let's

26:44

do the thing comfortably.' Clarence can't

26:47

grudge us the stuff. We've

26:49

done him a bit of good this trip. Tomorrow

26:51

will be the maddest, merriest day

26:53

of Clarence's glad new year. On

26:56

we go." We

26:58

went up to my room and sat smoking

27:00

and yarning away and sipping our drinks,

27:03

and every now and then cutting a slice

27:05

off the picture and shoving it in the

27:08

fire till it was all gone. And

27:11

what with the coziness of it and

27:13

the cheerful blaze and the comfortable feeling

27:15

of doing good by stealth, I

27:18

don't know when I've had a jolly a

27:20

time since the days when I used to

27:22

brew in my study at school. They had

27:24

just put the last slice on when Bill

27:27

sat up suddenly and gripped my arm. "'I

27:30

heard something,' he said. "'I

27:33

listened, and by chove I heard

27:35

something too. My room was

27:37

just over the dining room, and the

27:39

sound came up to us quite distinctly. Stealthy

27:42

footsteps by George, and

27:44

then a chair falling over.' "'There's

27:47

somebody in the dining room,' I whispered.

27:51

"'There's a certain type of chap

27:53

who takes pleasure in positively chivvying trouble.

27:56

Old Bill's like that. If I had

27:58

been alone, he would have taken me to the hospital.' about

28:00

three seconds to persuade myself that I

28:02

hadn't really heard anything after all. I

28:05

am a peaceful sort of cove, and believe

28:07

in living and letting live and so forth. To

28:10

old Bill, however, a visit from

28:12

Burglars was pure jam. He

28:15

was out of his chair in one jump.

28:17

Come on," he said. Bring the poker. I

28:20

brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.

28:23

Old Bill collared the knife. We

28:25

crept downstairs. We'll

28:27

fling the door open and make a rush, said

28:30

Bill. Supposing they shoot, old

28:32

scout. Burglars never shoot, said

28:34

Bill. Which was comforting,

28:37

provided the Burglars knew it. Old

28:40

Bill took a grip of the handle, turned it

28:42

quickly, and in he went, and

28:45

then we pulled up sharp, staring. The

28:48

room was in darkness except for a feeble splash

28:50

of light at the near end. Staring

28:53

on a chair in front of Clarence's

28:55

jock and spring, holding a candle in

28:58

one hand and reaching up with a

29:00

knife in the other, was old Mr.

29:02

Yearsley, in bedroom slippers and

29:04

a gray dressing-gown. He

29:06

had made a final cut just as we rushed in.

29:09

Turning at the sound, he stopped, and

29:12

he and the chair and the candle and the

29:14

picture came down in a heap

29:16

together. The candle went out.

29:19

What on earth, said Bill. I

29:22

felt the same. I picked up

29:24

the candle and lit it, and then

29:26

a most fearful thing happened. The

29:29

old man picked himself up and suddenly

29:31

collapsed into its chair and began to

29:33

cry like a child. Of course,

29:35

I could see it was only the artistic temperament,

29:37

but still, believe me, it was

29:39

devilish unpleasant. I looked

29:42

at old Bill, old Bill looked at me.

29:45

I shut the door quick, and after that we didn't

29:47

know what to do. I

29:49

saw Bill look at the sideboard. I

29:51

knew what he was looking for. That

29:53

we had taken the siphon upstairs, and

29:56

his ideas of first aid stopped short

29:58

at squirting soda water. We

30:00

just waited and presently old

30:02

Eardsley switched off, sat up,

30:05

and began talking with a rush. Clarence,

30:07

my boy, I was tempted. It

30:10

was that burgly at Dryden Park.

30:12

It tempted me. It made

30:14

it all so simple. I knew you would

30:16

put it down to the same gang, Clarence,

30:18

my boy. I— It

30:21

seems to dawn upon him at this point

30:23

that Clarence was not among those present. Clarence,

30:27

he said hesitatingly, is in

30:30

bed, I said. In bed? Then

30:33

he doesn't know. Even now,

30:35

young men, I throw myself on

30:37

your mercy. Don't be hard on me.

30:40

Listen. He grabbed at

30:42

Bill, who sidestepped. I can

30:44

explain everything. Everything!

30:46

He gave a gulp. You are

30:49

not artists, you two young men, but

30:52

I will try to make you understand, make you

30:54

realize what this picture means to me.

30:57

I was two years painting it. It

31:00

is my child. I watched it

31:02

grow. I loved it. It

31:05

was part of my life. Nothing

31:07

would have induced me to sell it. And

31:10

then Clarence married, and in a

31:12

mad moment I gave my treasure to him. You

31:15

cannot understand, you two men, what

31:17

agonies I suffered. The

31:19

thing was done. It was irrevocable.

31:22

I saw how Clarence valued the picture.

31:25

I knew that I could never bring myself to

31:27

ask him for it back, and

31:29

yet I was lost without it. What

31:31

could I do? Till this evening

31:34

I could see no hope. And

31:37

came the story of the theft of the

31:39

Romney from a house quite close to this,

31:41

and I saw my way. Clarence

31:44

would never suspect. He would put

31:46

the robbery down to the same band of

31:48

criminals who stole the Romney. Once

31:50

the idea had come, I could not

31:52

drive it out. I fought against it, but

31:54

to no avail. At last

31:56

I yielded, and crept down here to

31:59

carry out my He

32:03

grabbed again at me this time and got

32:05

me by the arm. He had a

32:07

grip like a lobster. Young man! he

32:10

said. You would not betray me! You

32:13

would not tell Clarence! I

32:16

was feeling most frightfully sorry for the poor old chap

32:18

by this time, don't you know? But

32:20

I thought it would be kindest to give it

32:22

to him straight instead of breaking it by degrees.

32:26

I won't say a word to Clarence, Mr. Earsley,

32:29

I said. I quite understand

32:31

your feelings, the artistic temperament, and

32:33

all that sort of thing. I mean, what? I

32:37

know. But I'm afraid.

32:40

Well, look. I

32:42

went to the door and switched on the

32:44

electric light, and there, staring him

32:46

in the face, were the

32:49

two empty frames. He

32:51

stood goggling at them in silence. Then

32:53

he gave a sort of wheezy grunt. The

32:56

gang! The burglars! They

32:59

have been here, and they have

33:01

taken Clarence's picture! He

33:03

paused. It might have been mine.

33:06

My Venus! He whispered. He

33:09

was getting most fearfully painful, you know, but

33:12

he had to know the truth. I

33:14

am awfully sorry, you know, I said. But

33:17

it was. He

33:19

started, poor old chap. Hey,

33:22

what do you mean? They did

33:24

take your Venus, but I have

33:26

it here. I shook my head.

33:29

That's Clarence's jock on spring, I

33:31

said. He jumped

33:33

at it and straightened it out. What? What

33:36

are you talking about? Do you think I don't

33:38

know my own picture? My child?

33:41

My Venus? See, my

33:43

own signature in the corner. Can you read,

33:45

boy? Look!

33:47

Matthew Earsley! This

33:49

is my picture! And

33:53

well, Pichove, it was, don't

33:55

you know? Well, we

33:57

got him off to bed, him and his inferno.

34:00

of Venus, that we settled down to take

34:02

a steady look at the position of affairs.

34:05

Bill said it was my fault for getting hold of

34:07

the wrong picture, and I said it

34:09

was Bill's fault for fetching me such a crack

34:11

on the jaw that I couldn't be expected to

34:14

see what I was getting hold of, and

34:16

then there was a pretty massive silence for a bit. Reggie,

34:20

said Bill at last, how

34:22

exactly do you feel about facing

34:25

Clarence and Elizabeth at breakfast? Old

34:28

Scout, I said, I was

34:30

thinking much the same myself. Reggie,

34:33

said Bill, I happen to know

34:36

there is a milk train leaving Milford at 3.15.

34:39

It is in which you call a flyer. It

34:42

gets to London at about half past nine. Well,

34:46

in the circumstances, how about

34:49

it? This

34:56

is B.J. Harrison.

35:08

I hope you've enjoyed this unabridged production of

35:11

Doing Clarence a Bit of Good by

35:13

P.G. Woodhouse. If you've

35:15

enjoyed this episode, you may also enjoy

35:17

Carry on Jeeves, another series of short

35:20

stories by P.G. Woodhouse, available

35:22

for free in your podcast feed.

35:25

Thank you for joining me today and

35:27

allowing classic literature to awaken your better

35:29

self. Please join me

35:31

next time, and we'll rediscover the greatest

35:33

stories ever put to paper. Thank

35:52

you. Final

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