-What does codependency look like in women attempting to date outside their culture?

-How can codependency with your family prevent you from dating outside your culture (and what are the short- and long-term consequences?)

-If you do date interculturally, what should you be prepared to navigate from the reactions/response from your family?

Welcome to Episode 157! This week, I’m joined by Noura Bermudez, LMFT, to explore codependency in women who date outside their culture (a.k.a. dating interculturally). Noura opens up about her own experience being codependent with her father and what that relationship was like to navigate when she started to date (and eventually marry!) outside her culture despite his disapproval. Noura describes what codependency looks like in women and their families when they begin to attempt to date interculturally and the consequences of this. You’ll hear Noura list what women should be prepared to navigate if their families respond with judgment, shame, prejudice, and threats to disown them. We conclude with steps you can take to cultivate your own autonomy in these situations. It’s a must-listen!

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More on this week’s guest:

Noura Bermudez is a mindfulness-based therapist who helps women in intercultural relationships experiencing rejection and/or disownment by their parents, live authentically and confidently with the choices they have made about dating. Has experience working with Middle Eastern women with immigrant parents. Practicing therapy for 10 years and has a private practice in CA. 

www.bermudeztherapy.com 

www.instagram.com/bermudeztherapy/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Noura’s definition of codependency: when someone has to sacrifice their authenticity to have or maintain a connection. Seen when someone disowns themselves or a part of themselves, disowns their needs for something the want–love, approval, affection, etc. Noura emphasizes how there is a perk or benefit to our codependency–we just usually aren’t conscious of it. 

Noura opens up about codependency in her own life, including in her relationship with her father. She describes growing up and trying to meet his expectations and standards as a Muslim. This led to her keeping her dating life a secret from him since she dated outside her Muslim and Middle Eastern culture. She ended up marrying outside her culture and, while this put a strain on her relationship with her father, she was eventually able to heal it by putting intentional distance in their relationship and through conversations. 

We shift gears to Noura’s specialty: dating interculturally! She describes what codependency with family can look like in women who date outside their culture: living a secret life, hiding, secrecy, yearning for her family’s approval, not feeling okay until the parents’ feel okay, strain in the relationship, feelings like resentment, and attempts to convince/negotiate with family to approve of their partner. Sounds like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, yes???

Noura lists the short- and long-term consequences of codependency in these women, including sadness, a sense of grief, abandonment, underlying unhappiness, and attempts to conform to the family’s expectations by dating within the culture. Noura’s opinion: codependency and conforming with family’s expectations is not sustainable. 

Noura encourages women who want to date outside their culture to prepare for their family having their own reaction, getting in touch with their values and their ‘why,’ leaning on their support system, and inviting conversations. For the harsher realities like racism, prejudice, and disownment that may come when attempting to date outside one’s culture, Noura encourages seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and cultivating one’s own autonomy. 

We conclude with Noura emphasizing how radical acceptance, intentional distance, and having conversations with family can help the most in these situations. 

Thanks for coming on Noura! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

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See you next week!