0:02

Welcome to the Dad Edge Podcast.

0:04

The Dad Edge Movement creates leaders of men,

0:07

leaders of families, and leaders of

0:09

communities. We will not only

0:12

impact this generation of fathers, but the

0:14

next generation as well. The

0:16

kids we are raising will have better chances

0:18

and odds stacked in their favor because of

0:20

the amazing example that their fathers emulated for

0:23

them. We are here

0:25

to change the world. We are

0:27

here to change relationships. We

0:29

are here to positively disrupt this generation

0:31

of fathers so no man goes to their

0:33

grave with regret. We

0:35

disrupt the drift of busyness and replace

0:38

it with razor focused intention, passion,

0:41

purpose, and direction. We

0:44

are the Dad Edge and we are

0:46

here to change the game. Welcome

1:02

back to the Dad Edge Podcast, gentlemen,

1:04

where we're going to dive deep into

1:07

the stories and strategies to shape our

1:09

past to personal and professional excellence. I'm

1:11

Larry Hagner and today we are exploring

1:13

the landscapes of ambition, achievement, and the

1:16

art of mastering our goals. In

1:18

the studio with us today is master navigator

1:20

of these terrains and that is John Acuff.

1:22

I'm sure many of you know who John is.

1:25

He has actually been one of the most

1:27

requested guests of 2024 on the Dad Edge

1:29

Podcast. But

1:32

John is not just a best selling author. He

1:34

is a beacon for those seeking to

1:36

punch fear in the face, escape

1:39

the average, and do work that truly

1:41

matters. With his books like

1:43

Finish, Do Over, and Start, John has

1:45

carved a niche for himself as a

1:47

leading voice in the world of career

1:49

development and goal achievement. Today

1:52

John is going to take us on a

1:54

journey through three critical zones that define our

1:56

pursuit of goals. The comfort zone where

1:59

The ease and familiar. Geraghty Rain and the

2:01

Chaos zone where uncertainty and overwhelmed

2:03

can derail our best of intentions

2:05

and progress. And the Potential zone

2:07

which is a sweet spots where

2:09

challenging capability, meat and propel us

2:11

forward. But. That's not all. John

2:14

is gonna delve into the often

2:16

underestimated impact of time on our

2:18

goals and the transformative power of

2:20

celebrating micro wins along the way,

2:23

he's gonna compare things to a

2:25

ladder from scarcer that out there.

2:27

you might not what it means

2:29

that. Okay, we're going to get

2:31

there, but this conversation is packed

2:34

with insights, anecdotes, and actionable advice

2:36

is gonna help you harness your

2:38

potential and turn your aspirations into

2:40

achievements. He's also been a husband.

2:43

For over twenty years he's also a

2:45

father as to ah, amazing daughter's he's

2:47

and talk about that a little bit

2:49

today to so whether you're looking to

2:52

kickstart your new venture, elevate your career,

2:54

lose weight, or simply get one step

2:56

closer to your person best, this episode

2:58

is for you today. So without further

3:00

ado, Let's. Discuss started. What's.

3:03

Up John. Great. To

3:05

see a look of or today to man

3:07

and by the way our I'm excited to

3:09

have a on but and if if there's

3:11

been any gas or share this with us

3:13

every year. This is my ninth year of

3:15

podcasting. And every year I go on

3:18

social media and I go to our community.

3:20

My guy. Who. The I want

3:22

to hear from this year right? and

3:24

will be so many common sense. Your

3:26

name came up just over and over

3:28

and over and over and over again

3:30

so the audience are super encouraging him

3:32

on his is Diane Dank Regrets on

3:34

nine years, Nine years and podcasting is

3:36

like a thousand years. That's those are

3:38

measured and diocese as a huge a

3:41

cancerous they really are. I think they

3:43

are man of and look this morning

3:45

were like we're not enough to i

3:47

twelve hundred episodes. Now's Skyn Stats Christie?

3:49

Yeah dude they have that's huge. Congratulate.

3:51

Lot of talking on this Mike's on the bacteria

3:53

build up on this makes on loan my be

3:55

tear gas got added a lotta questions of a

3:57

lot of people that's a lot of yeah will

3:59

it. Let's let's start with Littlejohn was

4:01

bar with when you're younger man I would

4:03

love to hear your what was your childhood

4:06

like guy off as far as I town

4:08

Dad and I even love to hear like

4:10

activities date that you really love to do

4:12

grown up. Yet.

4:14

So we're I was born in North

4:16

Carolina, lived there for six years my

4:18

life and then we moved to Massachusetts

4:20

when I was gone into the first

4:22

grade. so big change North Carolina to

4:24

Massachusetts. My dad planet a church up

4:26

there which is pretty unusual at the

4:28

time and eighty said have a plan

4:30

a Southern Methodist church in New England

4:32

allow them so I cannot look at

4:34

growing up as I had an entrepreneur

4:36

for a father like a church planner

4:38

is an entrepreneur and so lived in

4:40

Ipswich, Massachusetts for three years for scraped

4:42

through for a third which just. Was

4:44

amazing. Ipswich is. if you think a

4:46

New England this is what it looks

4:49

like. It's on the water. there's a

4:51

castle called Cranes Castle as he google

4:53

is unbelievable. They would hold the senior

4:55

prom at the castle. so it's apple

4:57

orchards and clams and high tide and

4:59

low tide. and so I set up

5:01

a bunch of amazing years there and

5:04

then we moved to Central Mass which

5:06

is more like the middle of any

5:08

state on but if you know really

5:10

fun blue collar town Hudson Massachusetts grub

5:12

like in writing either Third grade. Teacher

5:14

laminate some some palms I wrote and

5:16

see made me feel like a writer

5:18

so I always felt like while I

5:21

think I could maybe do this some

5:23

day. So Mrs. Harris at Doj on

5:25

Elementary school was definitely an inspirational to

5:27

me at a young age. and then

5:29

I had a dad was a communicator

5:31

so my dad. I. Wouldn't have said

5:33

at the time like I wasn't some eighth grader

5:36

like oh man. I really like the way he

5:38

structure that joke in that sermon but I got

5:40

to watch somebody speak from stage as a normal

5:42

sane and so I think that as he would

5:45

take me to comedy clubs once I hit eighteen

5:47

like we going to Boston watch comedians and so

5:49

Sumer was always a big part of my up

5:51

raising on you know my dad to this day

5:54

we'll call me at me like arm and to

5:56

see that line soon. So did like that was

5:58

such a drag you know lester? In when he

6:00

saw you're going one direction and so he. I grew

6:02

up with a communicator as a father which I think

6:04

really influence a lot of what I do now for

6:07

a living. While. Mamet? that's

6:09

cool like so it sounds like

6:11

it. Is. Union You bring up

6:13

your dad several times in our as far as

6:15

just in your story allowance or was it looking

6:17

back on it? Will reserve be Besides yeah being

6:20

a speaker, being a pastor it sounds like he

6:22

really candidate live with you. in on in and

6:24

and in a really positive way. What are some

6:26

things in a you have an eighteen year old

6:28

the of a twenty year old? What are some

6:30

things that you learn from him. That.

6:33

He took interior own father journey. Yeah.

6:36

I would say be silly like he was

6:38

the dad that would organize like that ground

6:40

is lava. you know, tag at a playground

6:42

Like So he was. He was a playful

6:45

that I think that's part of. That's one

6:47

of the things I've taken into what I

6:49

do on. And. And I think

6:51

about that with my own daughters and you

6:53

know and I love to make them laugh.

6:55

Like making my wife and my two kids

6:58

laugh is that is the best laugh a

7:00

law and so and they've heard of a

7:02

joke I have so it's hard. It's a

7:04

really big challenge like they're not. they know

7:06

my material. I'm sorry say I was a

7:08

big saying at again to and then the

7:10

curiosity. He has a huge curiosity about life,

7:12

where to go through the seasons were like

7:14

he gets into astronomy for two years and

7:16

he really deep ties and occurs is curious

7:18

or he gets into you know some form.

7:20

Of history and so he's I

7:23

think I learn from him. Also

7:25

like a constant love of learning.

7:27

Saw. You know, I'll read more than

7:29

one hundred books this year, and I

7:31

think that part of that love of

7:33

ideas and learning Tom was was the

7:35

way he looked at the world Just

7:37

to recap of. Said. It

7:39

does your dad have the full of

7:42

rights to. The floor is lava so

7:44

game so. says. The Hassan

7:46

Surf. I'm sure there's like a Japanese game

7:48

show and Nineteen Eighty Two where they actually

7:50

did that. The people Syed Ali as home

7:52

think he he adults a deep and did

7:54

that by any means. but that was yeah,

7:57

that was big. I remember plenty of times

7:59

doing that and. Really made your that's

8:01

fun you know like that. That was something

8:03

I think the stuck with me the and

8:05

that's that's a cool house the to go

8:07

visit your friend and I like So frenzy

8:09

years right? Like if you got the cool

8:12

fun dad it's much more pleasurable the be

8:14

as.house vs like oh my god your dad

8:16

it scares me. Writer: And a

8:18

distance scary had no I don't want

8:20

to be the i don't want to

8:22

be the i don't like hang out with

8:24

a friend that like I don't need

8:26

your dad to be like trying to win

8:29

friendship with the curators then like states

8:31

that's a terrible model for parents. I great

8:33

you know, like and so I don't

8:35

need that. But the fun dad is definitely

8:37

you know where. You. Know they'll ask

8:39

questions. Is L T some della you know?

8:42

Like though, they're willing to throw the football

8:44

kind of thing that I think it's a

8:46

fun to me that's hard to find a

8:48

phone that yeah, think there's definitely some boundaries

8:50

around A in. As far as as backers

8:52

say, this is same thing here. My.

8:55

My boys. My older boys

8:57

told me recently that I

8:59

scare their sons. And.

9:01

I my it. Was. Hit. And.

9:03

Know I mean your podcast logo has two

9:06

swords in Iowa where the get and it's

9:08

got a helmet for battle. It's weird that

9:10

they would say it is you scare them.

9:12

Who were could that possibly come from is

9:14

not as it everyday out this advice I

9:16

fast as what a shit what a shocker

9:19

Omega us on a doorman. It's weird because

9:21

like I he I'm I'm always like I

9:23

greet the boys when they come over here

9:25

the girls to and I kind of thing

9:27

and and I had a joke with them

9:29

and I'm I was in the world is

9:31

scary about maybe maybe you're right, maybe. It's

9:34

I think said sometimes kids can

9:36

confuse arm intentionality with scary. I

9:38

can see that I'm and ten

9:40

a confused like oh he's got

9:43

some goals or there's an abyss

9:45

in there was like whoa as

9:47

discussed this is Syria where the

9:49

points so I think sometimes a

9:52

muddle those two things. As

9:54

good point I think you might be onto

9:56

something there is a little as go back

9:58

to like their the fun right and. So

10:01

are. Looking. Back War were

10:03

some of the fun things and

10:05

a goofy things that you incorporate

10:07

it into. Experiences. With

10:09

your kids. Are

10:12

yeah well I mean like out I'll

10:14

still do stuff that silly. Like I

10:16

liked her and I'll ask them. Ridiculous.

10:19

Questions. And now my kids are smart enough that

10:21

they're like I can see the gleam in your

10:23

i know this is a set up like and

10:25

know you're setting me up for something ridiculous but

10:27

like just silly stuff like I remember for five

10:29

years ago I was telling my daughter my oldest

10:31

daughter like man, I really would love to get

10:33

a Nine eleven some day. like that's it. You

10:35

know I'm writing about that right now I'm working

10:37

on new book and I wrote in that the

10:39

intro of this one's have them working on was

10:41

like how much I'd love to get a Honda

10:43

Accord. and like man I just love the practicality

10:45

and all this than I was like he didn't

10:47

believe a second the that. Nobody dreams of a

10:49

Honda Accord like but everybody's afraid to say

10:51

the real dream so they doubt they disclaim

10:53

them ago. Not. did I ever would be

10:55

not like we have a real like men

10:57

especially of a super difficult time with desire

10:59

and being honest about what they want. arm

11:01

and so I told my daughter when she

11:03

was a freshman high Score said I'll drop

11:05

you have a college I'm in a nine

11:07

eleven or I'll give you one hundred dollars

11:09

and when I dropped her off where the

11:11

last thing they had to do with hander

11:13

one hundred dollar bill and be like at

11:15

intuit yet you're right. Yeah and like See

11:17

was thrilled and. Like we joked about that

11:19

for easier to see Really? dude I don't

11:22

I don't see as talk com and I

11:24

don't see any moves and so like for

11:26

me that was a fun silly thing or

11:28

like speak it like we paid them to

11:31

read books a couple summers like we felt

11:33

like they weren't reading a lot of the

11:35

classics in school anymore and that there were

11:37

books that we're like man they need to

11:39

really. So we made a less and I

11:42

would see her at the pool. I see

11:44

my kids at the pool was like you

11:46

know like my insomnia or the Great. Gatsby

11:48

or Great Expectations like while their friends on

11:51

tic tacs and sometimes like well you shouldn't

11:53

pay them a like would you get paid

11:55

to work like I'm not gonna say to

11:57

my kids as you know how there's an

11:59

app says. The to hit the trigger everybody

12:01

your dopa mean all at once. I'd like

12:03

you to ignore that and also read this

12:05

book from the eighteen forties at the pool

12:07

just because like know I want to make,

12:09

I want to teach them lessen. Your time

12:12

has value. And. Then they're like oh

12:14

let's go let's like I'm all in and

12:16

so were always plane. I would say we're

12:18

always plane little games like that's where we're

12:20

like and then we always we have a

12:23

sarcastic like not sarcasm in belittling way but

12:25

inside jokes as a family select one that

12:27

we do sometimes as alla if somebody say

12:29

i only get recognize and like three places

12:32

Cosco shirts and like downtown Franklin where I

12:34

live and some you come up and say

12:36

oh yeah and I like your books and

12:38

with off for thirty seconds I have the

12:41

best level of same by the way. I

12:43

know you've interviewed famous people. I've the best

12:45

level because once a week maybe three times

12:47

a week a stranger comes up to tells

12:49

me I'm going to my job and then

12:51

they walk away like that doesn't happen for

12:53

any of the professor and account. It is

12:55

never in the streets and somebody comes up

12:57

with those as your great it taxes like

12:59

the that's I get random strangers or I

13:01

didn't go anywhere on never be like I

13:03

can go anywhere and so if somebody runs

13:05

up to me in my town and to

13:07

say every like your book tagging photo when

13:09

they walk away I'll say to my girls

13:11

that person was so. Thrilled! So those thirty

13:14

seconds and you get to spend all

13:16

day with what a good yes to

13:18

you you get a Jose with me

13:20

and I'll go and I'll joke at

13:22

them and indulge your back and go.

13:24

Yeah you're so regionally famous it's amazing

13:26

to be with you and a certain

13:28

regions because you see receive such regional

13:30

says and so like as a part

13:32

of guilt like part of the having

13:34

phones your kids is having inside jokes

13:36

like an having a shared language and

13:38

spending have enough time that that happened

13:41

just and desiring to spend time together.

13:43

So we do. I mean like we did all

13:45

the stuff like fun birthday parties, all that kind

13:47

of stuff on we hike with them. We were

13:49

really deliberate about creating moments where was impossible to

13:52

have a phone. So. like kayaking

13:54

is impossibly beyond arrived champion when you

13:56

have no service is impossible have your

13:58

phone so my wife was real really good

14:00

at creating moments like that, where we spend a

14:02

lot of time together with each other. But

14:06

like right now, my oldest daughter's studying in London

14:09

for the semester and she's texting me constantly

14:11

photos of Portia's and McLaren she's seeing in

14:13

the streets because London has like the richest

14:15

people on the planet. So she's like, ooh,

14:18

look at this target, glass roof, nice. Or

14:20

she'll be like, this McLaren hasn't moved in

14:22

six months, it's a Saudi prince and it's

14:24

bright pink and there's a story on it

14:27

in the London Times. So like that's another

14:29

connection point. So I'm always looking for fun

14:31

connection points but we also have a shared

14:33

kind of internal language. I love

14:35

that man. I just had a guy

14:37

by the name of Steven Robertson on

14:40

the podcast yesterday. He wrote a book called Aliens Among

14:43

Us and basically how to relate to Gen Z. And

14:46

he talks, yeah, and his message was so powerful

14:48

and it's actually right in line with what you

14:50

just said. He's like, so

14:52

what you just said, right, about

14:56

your inner dynamics of your family,

14:58

how you guys speak to each other, your

15:00

private jokes, how she

15:03

texts you, right, that just shows that you're

15:05

on her mind and she's sharing these things

15:07

with you, is that he

15:10

talks about kids have a family and

15:14

they have expectations of their relationship, right? It's

15:16

a lot like when we go into a

15:18

hotel room and we expect there to be

15:21

a king-size bed. But we don't

15:23

go and talk about the king-size bed because

15:25

it's part of the expectation, right? It's like, well, of course my

15:27

hotel room has a king-size bed. He goes,

15:30

what's really fascinating, he said he stayed

15:32

at this one hotel which actually was

15:34

in London, I'm sorry, in Brazil, and

15:37

the owners of the hotel knew

15:39

that he loved these certain type

15:41

of chocolates, loved them, loved

15:43

them. And he went and checked

15:45

in his room one night and what was

15:47

on the table with a personalized note, it

15:49

was a plate of those chocolates. And he-

15:51

Oh, nice. And he was like, oh

15:53

my gosh, this is amazing. And He

15:55

talks about that and he compared it to

15:57

exactly what you just said, which is like-

16:00

What? Kids expect and parents expect there to

16:02

be a quote unquote king size bed in

16:04

the relationship, right? Meaning like there's going to

16:06

be things about my parents in this relationship

16:08

that are just gonna be. But.

16:10

It's the chocolate. It's. The unexpected

16:13

things it's the specially ends. It's the it's the

16:15

language we use with each other's. the private joke

16:17

sad sets the it's i know you better than

16:19

a By it's the it's me. Betting was an

16:21

ottoman. have a nine eleven by the time I

16:23

drop you off to college and then when you

16:26

don't you give her one hundred dollar bill as

16:28

you leave like that was. yeah that and that's

16:30

a fun way to start your first day a

16:32

couple Yeah my legs I hit like Dow is

16:34

more money than I ever held my hand my

16:36

entire four years. The palace like. I.

16:39

Remember like when I was younger, like if I or

16:41

when I got a hundred I would actually save my

16:43

money to go get a hundred dollar bill. Oh

16:46

yes I like some sort of currency from

16:48

space is the best right? You'd like put

16:50

it all around the one dollar bills that

16:52

you have any does.you know yes yeah knows

16:54

it's amazing. Still it still makes me feel

16:57

like a little kids later and so that

16:59

was so yeah we what we try to

17:01

find a bunch of fun games I would

17:03

say like games are a big and then

17:05

we do play games like were plan monopoly

17:07

deal or card games or were you know

17:10

were connecting and and then again hiking we

17:12

hike it's time. We went to Flagstaff last

17:14

May and and did forty eight miles. In

17:16

the sixties we were there and so

17:18

it's weird. were really deliberate about about

17:21

that kind of thing. That's that's awesome.

17:23

Man like doesn't the memories buzzer core

17:25

memories and kids never never forget those.

17:28

Ah, And that that's so awesome. Me as do that.

17:31

You did did Russian. I'm I'm so curious

17:33

to go and so I I I know

17:35

you. He wrote this amazing book on goals

17:37

right which is stories. And. I love

17:40

the fact that you put in stores and you

17:42

roast do you wrote that book As and to

17:44

serve. everyone you know you talk

17:46

about like hey if you're retiree there's a

17:48

story in here for you if you're in

17:50

college there's a story here for if you're

17:52

single mom as a story here for you

17:54

so in i i was very curious as

17:57

i i just wrote my fourth book and

17:59

it's common out in Father's Day.

18:02

And the way I wrote this book, it's called The

18:04

Spirit of Fatherhood, was different than I've written the other

18:06

books. But I've never actually thought, well, I thought about

18:08

it, but I was just like, man, I don't know

18:10

how to go about that. Because I look at someone

18:12

like you who could probably write,

18:16

who can easily write a book

18:18

around, like, hey, this is

18:20

how you go about your goals, right? This is the most

18:22

effective way to go about your goals, right? But

18:25

instead, you did it in story, and you

18:27

did it about different people. I would love to

18:29

know, what was the idea behind writing the book

18:31

in that way? Well,

18:34

I just think that over time, my writing

18:36

has matured to where, I don't want it

18:38

to be just a story about me. Like,

18:41

I'm 48, this is like, that was my

18:43

ninth book. God forbid, I found a ninth

18:45

way to write a memoir. Like,

18:48

I'm only 48, I haven't climbed Everest.

18:50

Like, I haven't launched a

18:52

rocket. Like, I don't need to do another

18:54

book where it's like, I found another interesting

18:56

angle about John Acuff. And

18:59

so, I wanted, where my book

19:01

shifted was when I started to test them

19:03

before I released them. So, what I mean

19:05

is, like, I've got, you

19:07

know, a thousand people, you

19:10

know, in a private goal community. I've

19:12

got 20,000 people in a bigger one. And

19:14

so, when I have ideas, I test them with

19:17

real people. And then the ones that work, I

19:19

move them forward. And it's kind of like, they

19:21

graduate, they graduate. So, by the time it's

19:23

in a book, it's been tested

19:25

with real people, and then it's been

19:27

given the gift of real stories from

19:29

real people. So, I don't have

19:31

to guess, okay, I hope this idea I came up

19:33

with in my office is helpful. I

19:36

go, no, I know the retiree, Sue, tried

19:38

this idea. Here's how she interpreted it. Here's

19:41

how it worked. I'll share her story so

19:43

that somebody else who doesn't look like me,

19:45

who isn't my age, who doesn't have my

19:47

life experience can go, oh, like,

19:49

I feel like every book written today, every

19:53

influencer account, whatever, should

19:55

say, Like, are you

19:57

married, yes or no? Is This person giving

19:59

advice? They have kids. Yes, you know how

20:01

many kids, what are their ages? Because you

20:03

gets his advice from somebody who's thirty one

20:06

or twenty seven. They're not married to have

20:08

no kids in there like does work ninety

20:10

hours weeks. Yeah, that works. If it's just

20:12

you like. When you're single or one

20:14

hundred percent of the time can be

20:16

dedicated. To you. Like. But you

20:18

get married and that's what's interesting is like married

20:21

goes for me to ways and you have kids

20:23

and goes from we today. And. Layers

20:25

of you can have get a like

20:27

for me anyway. I can't speak for

20:29

everybody. Layers of my own selfishness get

20:31

worn off as I started to serve

20:33

a family likes and so I just

20:35

think that the stories make it interests

20:37

because then it's related one away that's

20:39

bigger than says my story. Then it's

20:41

easier for other people. Go on. A

20:43

single mom and dad of five I

20:45

you know I'm a college students are

20:47

just think it makes it a wider,

20:49

more accessible conversation than if he was

20:51

just presented through my limbs. Yeah,

20:54

that that deftly makes the stories

20:56

extremely reliable and situational. Most importantly,

20:58

you're looking at the at the

21:00

at that book. I would love

21:02

for you to share a dad

21:04

story just maybe something that says

21:06

or or or story of a

21:08

man who might be. In.

21:10

Our age when I say or a to

21:13

mean the audience somewhere between the ages of

21:15

thirty and fifteen. Irrevocable Cat in and it's

21:17

interesting that you. You. Started out

21:19

that dynamic the way you did words like hey,

21:21

suggest check the box on easier Are you single?

21:23

yes or no, Are you married or and then

21:26

how many kids are you have because your rights

21:28

year the same. The same rules

21:30

don't necessarily apply in are given you

21:32

know it's dude. if you tell a

21:34

dad of two toddlers, you should have

21:37

a sixty minute morning routine every day.

21:39

Know you shouldn't assess like tell a

21:41

two year olds. I have to do

21:43

a cold blinds followed by journaling followed

21:45

by gratitude exercise follow. but. Good.

21:47

luck that the day you decide to do

21:50

that is the day the to your the

21:52

lingo i'm not going to sleep like a

21:54

month and get have like four am just

21:56

the cat like know how would that advice

21:58

work again that device works is if you're

22:00

by yourself or if it's just you and

22:02

your spouse. So that's what always

22:04

cracks me up about life. I think all of

22:06

advice should be a la carte. I

22:09

think you should interpret it and reshape it.

22:11

And so I think that we forget that.

22:13

And so we hear a certain

22:15

type of dad or a certain influence or

22:17

whatever go, you gotta get up

22:19

at this time. And it's said with this, unless

22:21

you wanna be a loser, unless you don't wanna

22:23

be successful. And then what if your schedule, what

22:26

if you work the night shift? What if your

22:28

schedule isn't that? What if you're more of a

22:30

night person, whatever, and we feel this great shame

22:32

and then we don't change our lives? And so

22:34

the older I get, I think when I was

22:36

younger, I had a lot of arrogance

22:39

and very little wisdom. And the

22:41

older I get, I'm like, man, I know a lot

22:43

less than I thought I did. And

22:45

I'm pretty, I'm much more flexible in my

22:47

advice because one size doesn't fit all. And

22:49

I want you to be able to go,

22:51

yeah, man. For me,

22:53

a good book, if I get one or two life-changing

22:56

ideas out of it, it was worth the $20. I

22:59

wouldn't pay $20 for a life-changing, are you

23:01

kidding me? And

23:03

that's all I'm gonna be able to remember anyway.

23:05

I'm not gonna remember every line 10 years later,

23:08

but I know like, War of Art by Steven

23:10

Pressfield, the thing that changed me, that

23:12

one was things that,

23:14

there's only fear around things that matter.

23:16

And fear is actually a flashlight

23:19

towards where you should go, not a warning

23:21

sign to stop. Because if it didn't matter to

23:24

you, you wouldn't feel fear about it. If it

23:26

wasn't important, you wouldn't feel fear about it. That

23:28

shifted my understanding of fear, totally worth it. So

23:30

that, but the question you asked was a story

23:32

about a dad. A recent one that

23:35

I really liked was this guy, Dennis Cockerham, he's

23:37

in this gold community I teach.

23:40

And he posted a picture of him crossing

23:42

his first half marathon, and he was holding

23:45

his kid's hands. They crossed the finish line

23:47

with him. And what was, I

23:49

mean, the story was amazing, but what was super

23:51

fun to me was, he joined the community to

23:53

get better at his side hustle. Like

23:56

he has a wasp removal business.

23:58

But What happens always is, that

24:00

discipline is contagious. Changes contagious like.

24:02

I work for Dave Ramsey for three years and

24:05

we'd have people come up and go. Dave you're

24:07

you're fine. It's book change my merits and he

24:09

didn't write a marriage book. But when you work

24:11

on your finances and at one of your life

24:13

improves it and it starts to bleed into the

24:15

other areas and you start to see a larger

24:17

degree of life change. And Ser Denys was one

24:20

of those dudes that he again he got into

24:22

the group tobacco honest do my business better and

24:24

then he as I had a i can run

24:26

a little bit and then it just started to

24:28

can a mushroom or mustard seed to the rest

24:30

of his life said those. Are the stories of

24:32

get me fired up on and then enough for

24:35

me? that's that's the thing. I think about that

24:37

as like I'm and then like the lesson for

24:39

his kids. like they got to cross the finish

24:41

line to like you don't know what kind of

24:43

a ripple effect that's going to have on a

24:45

kids' heart them So that that's one of the

24:47

stories that really encouraged me recently. That.

24:49

Is really cool man and I am.

24:51

I'm visualizing map as as to as

24:54

it's happening like how mean for there

24:56

probably is for him I i wanted

24:58

I wanna really talk about goals in

25:00

as far as. A lot

25:02

of a lot of us have them. Very.

25:05

Few of us achieve them rights and I

25:07

think that we can really take this particular

25:09

conversation that you and I are having a

25:12

and and give the audience. The. Best

25:14

way to go back cause the here's where I really would love

25:16

to take a to. Helping.

25:18

Our kids. Identify.

25:20

And achieve their goals as well and

25:23

teaching them how to how to go

25:25

about them. I am. So.

25:27

Am I cannot from? I'm going to butcher

25:29

the statistics I think. but I think it

25:31

was what By the end of January? It's.

25:34

Twenty three percent of people. That.

25:36

Had a New Year's Resolution Goal has

25:38

basically did did by the end of

25:41

the month. I think that that yes,

25:43

So I mean the To stats I've

25:45

seen ninety two percent of all New

25:47

Years resolution Sale wrote in the Universe

25:49

is Scranton State and Study And then

25:51

Strother studied eight hundred million athletic activities

25:53

and the majority of people of quip

25:55

by the second Friday in January. So

25:57

eight hundred million test cases? Pretty good

25:59

for. Sample size and so yeah

26:01

I'm I mean the thing with goals

26:03

like I always tell you know if

26:05

we're talking to Dad's mostly the problem

26:07

is on Dad's in and I would

26:09

say high performers in general. And if

26:11

you're listening this podcast your high performers.

26:13

You don't feel like it most of

26:15

the time. But the reality is low

26:18

performers don't listen to podcasts like this.

26:20

They just don't. They leave know this

26:22

category a podcast exists exist. So congratulations

26:24

you're high performers. Been hyper former doesn't

26:26

automatically make you high achiever. We all

26:28

know people who are capable of amazing.

26:30

Sort sporadic bursts of high performance. but they

26:32

don't get high achievement over the long term

26:34

and what happens is and studying it is.

26:37

There's three different kind of zones people balance

26:39

between about to to into chaos, own the

26:41

comfort zone and a potential zone to the

26:43

comfort zone. We all know that once the

26:46

pajama pants so snow goals know actions, no

26:48

results. it's you stuck your in a rut

26:50

your phone. But the more dangerous one of

26:52

my opinion is often the chaos Soon as

26:55

that's when you swing in from comfort all

26:57

the way to chaos and try to do

26:59

everything. See, get inspired. you see us

27:01

Gladiator You You know you hear an Eminem

27:03

saw your mom's spaghetti. I'm the lose myself

27:05

and he say i'm gonna lose ten pounds

27:07

I'm gonna read more. I'm going to do

27:09

a cold plunge everyday. I'm going journal of

27:11

a time when you to connect with other

27:13

men. I'm gonna and you try to do

27:15

at all and it's chaotic and you can't

27:17

do anything. And so like I did a

27:20

study with my audience, the average person had twenty

27:22

two point eight goals they are working on. You.

27:24

Ever try to juggle twenty two balls at

27:26

the same time? Like I said to three,

27:28

never my twenty two. So it has why

27:30

we have the phrase in our country Yoyo

27:32

diet. Yo. Yo diet comes from people

27:34

been in the comfort zone doing nothing. Getting.

27:37

Inspired and Yo Yo in all the way

27:39

to the chaos. It's too much, it overwhelms

27:41

him, and they fail. And in between those

27:43

two is what I call the potential zone.

27:46

Where it's the Goldilocks Zone. It's not too

27:48

many, is not too few. It's just rights.

27:50

And that's what I'm always trying to help

27:52

Dad's dial in on is okay for you.

27:54

Where's your potential zone? Where. you

27:56

know where do you need to be pushed beyond what you think

27:58

you can do as I feel

28:01

like people need to be called beyond themselves by

28:03

other people. So it's helpful to have a coach,

28:05

helpful to have a community. Where's

28:07

that spot for you? And I had a,

28:10

I'm friends with this guy, Greg Sankey, who

28:12

you should have on this podcast. He's brilliant.

28:14

He's the commissioner of the SEC, the football,

28:17

not finances. And he was talking to me

28:19

about the concept of the

28:21

difference between doable hard and destructive hard, that

28:23

you need doable hard, you need to be

28:25

challenged, but there's a destructive hard you can

28:27

get into if you're not careful. So

28:30

I think a lot of what you're doing as a

28:32

dad when it comes to your own goals is finding

28:34

where's that spot, where's that spot, where's that spot? And

28:36

that's, I think a lifelong challenge. I think you do

28:39

that for your entire life. And

28:41

so that's what's fun for me about goals is

28:43

helping men and women

28:45

kind of dial in to where's their potential

28:47

zone between those two, comfort and chaos. And

28:50

in the metaphor I often use for people

28:52

is it's the tortoise and the hare. So

28:55

if you think about it, the

28:57

hare and the fable only had two

28:59

speeds, sprint or sleep. So

29:01

he sprinted, he was dominating and then he took a

29:03

nap because he wanted to show off. And

29:06

then the turtle passes him and he's panicked. So

29:08

he sprints again, but he lost the race. He

29:10

didn't have a middle gear. He didn't have a potential

29:13

zone where he could, if he had run at 10%

29:15

of his speed, he would have won

29:17

by a margin, but he only had two speeds, sprint or sleep.

29:19

And I think a lot of people, that's

29:21

where they get stuck is they only have two gears and

29:23

you need a middle gear. So

29:25

one thing, I love what

29:27

you're saying here. I want to collide these two worlds

29:29

together. We've been saying this in our community for dads

29:31

for a long time is that most

29:34

dads are full throttle or

29:37

no throttle. They're either going,

29:39

right? We're either going to get in the

29:41

car. My daughter said that, my

29:43

daughter said, dad, you're either OCD or no CD.

29:46

Like you're either all in or you're all out

29:48

like OCD or no CD. And I thought, oh,

29:50

kids can tell you the truth sometimes. Is your

29:52

daughter the second born? No,

29:55

they're both daughters. I Got two daughters. Okay. So The one that,

29:57

so the one you dropped off to college with the nine. Is

30:00

it is the same one? That.

30:03

No different their Sagamore and said the obesity know

30:05

city of as I say like this like like

30:07

to. I could totally see my second born. Saying.

30:09

Something like that axes always lie Yes, I

30:11

was totally or drag out and ass. But.

30:15

You know, as far as I do know, we're

30:17

full throttle. er, no throttle. er either. Going to,

30:19

you know, get in the car and drive ninety

30:21

miles an hour. Or not. only the garage eerie,

30:24

they're gonna go to the gym and crush a

30:26

two hour workout Or not, we're not all. So.

30:29

Am I love this? And

30:31

the potential zone. Is it? And.

30:34

Let. Me ask you this is Sars

30:36

guard rails go somewhere where identifying a

30:38

goal. And. we

30:40

we wanna get tripped up in and by

30:42

the way I took a know here of

30:45

the the doable and the destructive. Because

30:48

I think about this of my own goals.

30:50

You know that I've done the past now

30:53

might I'm just I'm just gonna work out

30:55

to times a day every day or am

30:57

I am forever forever that you know it's

31:00

a foolish goal. we're timeframe is forever right

31:02

and people do that. I talked to guys

31:04

are go I write every Tuesday I wonder

31:06

how many daisy how me which done they

31:09

go this the first one my phone so

31:11

sorry every stage you've done it one time

31:13

your i think it hints this is the

31:15

new no avail Yeah yeah. Yeah,

31:18

we all do it. We all do it. So

31:20

how do we? the me as his who we

31:22

are, identifying a goal? And.

31:24

Were trying to really understand

31:26

okay comfort. Potential. Ah,

31:29

and then the other one was.

31:31

Chaos. Chaos, right? And.

31:34

How. Do we know? What?

31:36

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33:38

How do we know what lane we're

33:40

in? I'll give you a

33:42

really easy exercise. So I like

33:44

to do what I call a time gap

33:47

analysis. So when, say it, you know,

33:49

I've had guys tell me, John, I'm

33:51

going to start doing 10 Sales calls a day.

33:53

Like I Really want to get my numbers up. Like I Want

33:55

to get my numbers up. I Want to crush this here. I

33:57

was like, cool, cool, cool. I Go, how many are you doing

33:59

right now? The go to. I. Can Okay, you're

34:01

going to five x your fi that's your

34:03

okay cool. I'll say how long will that

34:06

take and logo movie about. But

34:08

Fifteen. Extra hours a week and ago

34:10

how many three hours do you currently have

34:12

in your work schedule and ago nine when

34:14

he time of three hours and minutes and

34:16

I got your your goals are to eat

34:19

it's guaranteed to sail you just tried to

34:21

sit sistine. Extra hours into a week set

34:23

held zero light of course and so a

34:25

lot of times that like what I'll tell

34:27

guys his time as the only honest metric.

34:30

Like. Time is the only honest metric.

34:32

It's fun to talk about all the stuff

34:34

we're going to do, but your calendar tells

34:36

the truth. Your calendar is is just gonna

34:38

sit during Go says. You know how you

34:41

currently have room for four minutes of free

34:43

time a day and you you have five

34:45

hour plan so something's gonna break. Has

34:48

enough so I often have to

34:50

Canada. But. I do the

34:52

opposite approach where I'm like let's try

34:54

it and build on it and be

34:56

successful and has momentum and get some.

34:58

When the N, N, and Vs like

35:00

we have this attitude like go big

35:02

or go home. Most people go home

35:04

when we don't talk about that like

35:06

most people go home because what sounds

35:08

noble is to say. I'm

35:10

gonna do this massive thing and there's ego.

35:13

Involve there for all of us like I'm

35:15

going to do this massive saying a member

35:17

I had they've got a year ago I

35:19

was a hurts there was a president the

35:22

some restock mother at ten thank you know

35:24

today and as like on minutes do that

35:26

and I wrote one and then I was

35:28

like so now I just have to do

35:30

this three thousand six hundred and forty nine

35:33

more times this year. It's ten a days

35:35

that's that's crazy for me to think the

35:37

passes from one to thirty six hundred. Like.

35:39

So what if I instead said i'm

35:42

gonna write for. A

35:44

month for the first three months and

35:46

when gets wealth? Twelve evidences of my

35:48

success, twelve signs of proof, and then

35:50

I'm going to double. It's okay, now

35:52

I'm into eight a month like, but

35:54

it doesn't feel sexy, It doesn't feel

35:56

shiny so we don't like. Ten of

35:58

that practical side of things. But

36:00

again, the older I get,

36:03

the more I'm interested in

36:05

long-term, sustainable, compounding success. So

36:07

I don't get super excited when I'm, they're like,

36:09

oh man, that person's business is killing it and

36:11

they've been killing it for a year. I'm like,

36:14

hmm, I'd love to see year 12. Or

36:17

that author sold a book and it was, it's

36:20

been a two-year YouTube channel, it's huge. I'm like, ah,

36:22

I wanna know year 15. So

36:24

a dude like Craig Groeschel, who's a friend of mine,

36:26

he's been at a high level for 20 years. And

36:29

I wanna ask that guy, like, okay, what are some of

36:31

the things you're doing? Where are you, like, how

36:33

are you dialing in? How are you staying dialed

36:36

in? That's what I ask Greg Senk, like, you're

36:38

running the SEC, the most successful

36:40

sports division in the world right now.

36:43

What are you doing? Like, what are the little, and like,

36:45

when I ask him, he has 10 things he

36:47

can tell me. The people I talk to

36:49

that are at the levels I'd like to

36:51

be all are

36:53

doing a million little things nobody sees. And

36:55

they're all really deliberate. And so that's what

36:57

I like to study. So with goals, if

36:59

a guy was listening to this and was

37:01

like, I wanna try a new goal, I'd

37:03

go, man, awesome. Let's start a small goal.

37:05

Let's get an easy goal. Let's get some

37:07

success, dude. Let's get, like, let's

37:09

start with just a walking regimen. Let's just start walking.

37:12

You know, let's start, you know, let's build on that.

37:14

Like, that's what I did. My neighbor owned a CrossFit

37:16

gym and he was like, he gave me a plan

37:18

and I was like, ah, it's not enough. And he

37:20

was like, yeah, you wanna overdo it and just never

37:23

do it again? You wanna overdo it for like a

37:25

week and a half and then quit for the rest

37:27

of the year? And I was like, yeah, kinda. He's

37:29

like, yeah, I'm not gonna let you do that. So

37:31

he gave me such, what I felt like was a

37:33

slow, like, ugh, and I've done

37:36

it hundreds of times now. Like, you

37:38

know, at varying rates and different

37:40

weights and all that. But it was because

37:42

he was like, nah, dude, I know you

37:44

wanna jam the gas pedal, but I'm gonna,

37:46

I've seen your type a thousand times and

37:49

I'd rather you be, I want you to

37:51

be talking about on a podcast three years

37:53

later, Not, yeah, I Tried that for

37:55

a minute, it didn't work. So That, small goals,

37:57

man. a small goal, a small goal, a small

37:59

goal, that. such a great start. I

38:01

love that man. I yeah. I. Just

38:04

experienced something like this myself.

38:06

so. I. Recently went

38:08

through of. Pretty. Bad knee injury

38:10

back in August and it was

38:13

bad Might my knee was hemorrhaging,

38:15

a was bleeding internally for three

38:17

months. says. Are

38:19

fucked and yet to do that little exercise of

38:22

the arms at the gym where it's like you're

38:24

riding a bike with your hands is. I did

38:26

our know that when I can't gray like I'm

38:28

seventy five Rights and A I did my I

38:31

did and and that mean surgery in L A

38:33

sickness has been a huge carmel I for thirty

38:35

years and and Mike I took a lot of

38:37

pride in being able to do like. I think

38:40

I maxed out one day on my twenty to

38:42

pull up straight out as I pass on which

38:44

is a ton of pool as lot of polio

38:46

as like yes school and I was able to.

38:49

Sustain doing twenty plus pull ups for

38:51

a long time and then I got

38:53

hurts and my fitness gonna take a

38:55

backseat in and gained some weight and

38:58

now they're forget this. I went to

39:00

do pull ups in a been months

39:02

since I did him and I did.

39:05

For. As. Like yes, oh

39:07

my gosh, what has happened to my body.

39:10

And I went to A good friend of mine is a

39:12

fitness coach or my. The. Sox like I

39:14

was complaining about and all that. He's

39:17

like what you I do as I want you back my twenty

39:19

to pull ups. He's. Like what's your plan?

39:21

As like. Dems. Gonna try to hit

39:23

twenty two parts ago season. What's.

39:25

Your plan As like. I

39:28

don't know. He's a queenie. A plan is like

39:30

you know he had for today. What?

39:32

Are you going to hit by next Wednesday? As like

39:35

on an I think I can do seven? He's a

39:37

great. Said. Seventh: What do you do the

39:39

week after that? As like. On

39:41

our sued for ten and he's a great

39:43

so we choose tense and when on. on

39:45

on and on for series and then I

39:47

hit my twenties who pull ups but it

39:49

took like five weeks. And. of

39:51

doing a whole ups like every day but I would.

39:54

Always rats is up just a little bit

39:56

and now is just such a powerful reminder

39:58

of. Exactly. We use

40:00

time at those micro goals. like it. If

40:02

I have m set out emma tragedy like

40:05

twenty to pull ups i just can't do

40:07

a while then I'm gonna probably give up

40:09

my guam. Guess I'm just not not don't

40:11

portray more but like having those those micro

40:13

goals those small like. Little. Tiny

40:15

hills the climb. Actually created

40:17

like a ton of excitement around it.

40:19

Like amen my guide today this week

40:22

it's nine. The number may try to

40:24

hit nine and it just made it

40:26

like those little wins man average. And

40:28

by the time and Newsweek five or

40:30

six that I finally hit those those

40:32

twenty two parts again. I was.

40:34

I was like on Cloud Nine. I.

40:36

Was like man Yes not only did

40:39

this happen but I got the like

40:41

when little bit of time. Along

40:43

the way which are really well that that's when

40:45

the things that says like the work ads the

40:47

worse. So. The work as the worth

40:49

an example of that I gave is like no

40:52

one super proud of us Seashell They boarded a

40:54

store. Like. Any time you go to the

40:56

beach is always like a crummy little store

40:58

that has like exotic cells. They are massive

41:00

no one ever buys one of those and

41:02

and brings it home their friends like can

41:04

you believe I soundness like because you distances

41:06

like this but if you got up every

41:08

morning early and tried to beat the tide

41:10

and beat all the other shell collectors and

41:12

like you knew would you what you were

41:14

looking for a new. Sound one likes be

41:17

found some massive cock sell like you

41:19

would be so exciting will look what

41:21

I found in the oceans and so

41:23

I think sometimes. Were tempted by

41:25

the the purchase like okay I wanted

41:27

and with the sas the what the

41:29

easy thing but man all the work

41:31

adds to the worth. That's why when

41:34

you hear stories like the lady who

41:36

wrote the help got rejected sixty two

41:38

times. Where sixty two publishers like it's

41:40

a sucky story if is hate see

41:42

the first publisher saw what how great

41:44

it was in a publicity wouldn't be

41:46

like stats a magazine one publishers but

41:48

sixty two he got moves that work

41:50

creates worse and and what she described

41:52

is what I call a goal. latter

41:54

you just have to build a goal ladder and

41:56

the problem is most people only have two wrongs

41:59

on their latter day the first day,

42:01

and then they have the very top. If you had a

42:03

neighbor and you were gonna clean your gutters and he came

42:05

over and you were gonna borrow his ladder and goes, here

42:07

you go, and it was a 12 foot ladder and one

42:09

rung was at the bottom, and one rung was at the

42:11

top, you go, this is a broken,

42:13

how am I supposed to do this? And

42:16

that's what most goals are. So I always tell people,

42:18

with some actions, let's actionify your goal, let's

42:21

add some rungs. Let's add a ton of

42:23

rungs between the first day and the 22

42:25

pull ups. The first day and

42:27

you wrote the book. The first day and you made

42:29

the million dollars. What are the

42:32

rungs that we can add? And that's a lot,

42:34

it's a lot easier to climb a ladder when

42:36

you've got a rung every six inches, like anybody.

42:38

And it's safe and it's fun and there's progress

42:40

and every day you get to win a little

42:42

bit. Like, think about

42:44

it like writing a book. So if

42:46

my only rung is to hold

42:48

the finished book, that's a long,

42:50

terrible year. And no offense,

42:53

the feeling of holding it lasts about 30

42:55

seconds. I better learn to have some rungs

42:57

along the way that I enjoy because the

42:59

process is a year. The holding the finished

43:02

thing is like a minute. I wouldn't trade

43:04

a year for a minute, but if along

43:06

the way I'm like, oh, that subtitle works,

43:09

yeah, that was the rung I climbed today.

43:11

Or, oh, I just got this story. It's

43:13

a crazy story, I'm gonna put it in

43:15

there. That's a rung and I'll keep climbing

43:18

that ladder and I'll keep engaged. And that's,

43:20

you know, it feels cliche to say,

43:22

like it's not about the destination, it's about

43:24

the journey, but it's cliche because it's true.

43:27

And you've gotta learn to love the along

43:29

the way moments because you

43:31

have a thousand times more of those

43:33

than the final moment. Yeah, that

43:36

is so true. And you're right, there's something

43:38

about the fun factor about

43:40

it getting like these micro wins. It's like these

43:42

small challenges. Dude, and fun matters. We did, I

43:44

wrote a book called, I wrote a book called

43:46

Finish where we commissioned a research report with

43:49

a PhD named Mike Peasley. And

43:52

we studied whether fun has value or not because

43:54

I wanted to, you know, most of my job,

43:56

I write books and I go to companies to

43:58

speak about the books. And so I go

44:00

to all these serious companies and I wanted to be

44:02

able to say like, you don't have to be whimsical, but

44:05

if you make things that are hard fun, people are

44:07

like, do better at them, they enjoy them more.

44:09

And so the two stats you look at, whenever

44:12

you study a goal, you look at two things.

44:14

You look at satisfaction and performance. Satisfaction is how

44:16

did you feel during it? Performance is how did

44:18

you do? Those are the two metrics that matter.

44:20

Anybody that comes on this podcast, anything from goal

44:23

perspective that they teach, you better raise both of

44:25

those. Because if I only raise your satisfaction, all

44:27

the book was really funny, it was really interesting,

44:30

but your performance fails, you end up smiling all the

44:32

way to the last place. If I

44:34

only raise your performance, but not your satisfaction,

44:36

you become every rich, miserable person you've ever

44:38

met. If you've ever met somebody who's really

44:40

rich and really miserable, and you go, how

44:42

do those two things exist in the same

44:44

life? It's because they over focus on their

44:46

performance and they never stop to think about

44:49

their heart. Or their plan

44:51

was, I'm gonna be miserable for six decades, but then

44:53

I'm gonna retire to Florida, and it's all gonna change.

44:56

I'm gonna practice misery for 65 years, but

44:58

then when I get a golf cart, it'll all be different.

45:00

I'm always like, dude, I have terrible news for you. You're

45:03

putting a lot of pressure on a golf cart,

45:05

like you really are. So you have to

45:07

do both satisfaction, performance, and the people in

45:09

this study, we had nearly 900 people that

45:13

made their goal fun, like added deliberate

45:15

fun, were 31%

45:17

higher satisfaction, but

45:20

the crazy side was 46% more successful. They

45:23

are wildly more successful because they

45:26

made difficult things fun. And that's what, as I

45:28

study people that I look up to, that I

45:30

wanna be like, that I'm curious about how they

45:33

do what they do, they're always

45:35

finding ways to add fun, especially the things

45:37

that aren't inherently fun. Anyone can have fun

45:39

doing something that's inherently fun. Like going on

45:41

vacation is fun. I'm talking about

45:44

the stuff where you're like, man, I hate

45:46

invoicing. Like it's not fun, or I hate

45:48

following up on details. It's not fun. The

45:51

people that add fun to that, those are the ones that

45:53

really succeed at goals. What

45:57

I really love to do is I love to go in this direction.

46:00

of helping our kids identify

46:02

goals. And by the way, I love

46:04

this messaging around sprinkling in the fun,

46:06

right? And how

46:08

we can make these things even more

46:11

enjoyable. So as a dad, helping kids

46:13

achieve their goals, what do you think

46:15

is most critical and how do we

46:17

make them fun? Well,

46:19

it's funny you asked that. We just did a

46:21

teen version of my last book, All It Takes

46:23

to Goals. So my daughters wrote a book called

46:26

How Teens Win. That's exactly about

46:28

this conversation. So it's definitely fresh on my

46:30

mind. It comes out in September. But

46:33

I think a big part of it, one

46:35

thing that I tell dads specifically is

46:38

that like I had a dad go, you know,

46:40

I'm just my 14 year old is not disciplined.

46:42

They don't have goals. They're not getting up on

46:44

time. They're not doing all these things. They don't

46:46

do their life together. And I said, when

46:48

did you feel like you kind of got your life together? And he

46:50

said, about 32. And I said, no

46:53

offense to your fathering. Like maybe with

46:55

your great parenting, you cut off a year

46:57

of his development, but you

46:59

gave yourself 32 years to get your

47:01

act together. And you expect with your

47:03

words, the 14 year old's gonna have

47:05

it. Like you're trying to cut off like

47:07

18 years of development that

47:09

that kid needs. So I think

47:12

one is our expectations as parents.

47:14

Like the problem is when we

47:16

judge our kids development against our

47:18

current understanding. So I know, I believe

47:20

and know a lot of things at 48 because

47:22

I'm 48. And I go, man, I know the

47:25

value of hard work. Man, I know why you gotta follow up

47:27

with people. I know how important gratitude is. I know. So

47:29

I think you have to level set your

47:32

expectations. Not lower them, but also

47:34

go, yeah, it's taken me 40 years

47:37

to get here. I'm not gonna shove that

47:39

on a 12 year old. Cause that's not

47:41

how life works. So one is you

47:43

level set your expectations. And then I think you really

47:45

pay attention to what lights your kid up. I

47:48

think you have to, there's this fine dance where you

47:51

wanna nurture it, but not suffocate it. The

47:54

temptation as a parent is your kid goes, I

47:56

really like art. And then for the next 10

47:58

birthdays, everything they get is art, folks. They're

48:00

like, oh, you're an artist. Here's an art pad. Here's

48:02

a palette. Here's markers. Here's, and you can suffocate

48:05

something. So there's this tension back and forth when

48:07

you're trying to nurture it, but you don't want

48:09

to suffocate it. So I think that's part of

48:11

it. So you have to be present to your

48:14

kid's life to even notice those things that are

48:16

lighting them up. Like a notice. So

48:19

like for me, you know, and

48:22

kids, once you have more than

48:24

one kid, you realize they came to the planet with

48:26

their own personalities. Like once you have

48:28

more than one kid, like my two daughters

48:30

are wildly different. The way they process the

48:32

world is just very different. So how I

48:34

approach goals with the one is different than

48:37

the other. But

48:39

again, I pay attention to what they're

48:41

curious about, and then I try to nurture that.

48:44

So I try to add a little bit of fuel,

48:46

a little bit of excitement. You know,

48:48

if they're willing to read, I'm like, oh, how can

48:50

we, how can we make this fun for them? Like

48:53

they could have a summer job where they make

48:55

$1,000 or I could pay them $1,000 because they

48:58

already have a good work ethic. Like that's the

49:00

other thing too is like not every, you

49:02

can't treat every kid the same way because like some

49:04

kids are great to get their license at 16. Some

49:08

you're like, that dude needs another year kind of

49:10

like learning. Like they're not at the same level.

49:12

And so it's the same with work ethic. I

49:14

think sometimes parents make the mistake and go, they

49:16

got to learn the hard way. And you go,

49:19

if they already are good at the thing, why

49:21

are you like, who are you trying to prove

49:23

they know how to do the thing to? So

49:26

like with my kids, we try to

49:28

really custom the goals to who they

49:30

are, their personality. We

49:32

invite them into it. We ask them to come

49:34

up with some, you know, so that they're invested

49:36

in it. And

49:38

you also in the same way that like, if

49:41

you punish kids the same way, two different

49:43

kids, they react differently. So if you have

49:45

an extrovert kid and you go, you got

49:47

to spend time in your room, like go

49:49

be by yourself. They, that hurts. If you

49:51

tell an introvert kid, go to your room

49:53

by yourself. You're like, Oh no, Oh no,

49:55

not my room. So I think

49:57

a lot of this starts with an awareness of who.

50:00

who your kids are and what gets

50:02

them excited and then

50:04

being patient about that and

50:07

then reacting to it when it's

50:09

time to react and

50:12

kind of see what they're into. And then

50:14

the other thing is that making it part

50:16

of your family. Like goals are part of

50:18

it. I wrote this book called

50:20

Soundtracks about mindset and there's a teen version of

50:22

it called Your New Playlist. But

50:24

soundtracks are part of our family discussion.

50:26

So we'll talk, the soundtrack is just

50:28

our phrase for repetitive thoughts. So

50:31

an example of a soundtrack, a dad who

50:33

thinks he has to go all or none, I'd say

50:35

some beats none, some beats none. Like if you only

50:38

have time, what dads do

50:40

is they go, I wanna run three miles every day,

50:42

I don't have time today so I'm gonna do none.

50:44

And I'll go one mile's more than none. One mile

50:46

is infinitely, like some beats none. It's just a soundtrack.

50:49

But our family at the dinner table, we talk

50:51

about soundtracks. Like when we're out and about, we

50:53

talk about to the point that now my daughter

50:55

who's in London texted me and said, I got

50:57

two new soundtracks. I'd

51:01

rather be tired than regretful. So she's

51:03

like, if I'm tired, I'm not coming back

51:05

and hanging out at the study house and

51:09

spending time on my phone, I'm gonna go to

51:11

that coffee, I'm gonna go to that play, I'm

51:13

in London, I got a window, I'd rather be

51:15

tired than regretful. It's a great soundtrack. Another one

51:18

she said was sophomores don't get embarrassed. She's

51:20

like, nope, we left embarrassment freshman year.

51:22

Like we gotta be bold and brave

51:24

as sophomores. So she taught her sorority

51:26

sisters, sophomores don't get embarrassed, remember. Like

51:29

sophomores don't get embarrassed. And so I think

51:31

it's easier to get your kids involved

51:34

in things when the whole family is already

51:36

involved. So when we're talking about it,

51:38

I think it's hard when you don't have goals

51:41

to then tell your kid, you gotta go

51:43

have goals. And then as a dad, dad

51:45

with sons, I would say you have to

51:47

push through that sullen wall that they initially

51:49

throw up often. Like it's thinner

51:51

than you think. Like there's times when it's

51:53

really thick. I don't wanna exaggerate. But

51:55

what I've seen is where somebody will go,

51:58

Hey, like even with my. It my daughter's of

52:01

the hates the Sulu brown and air but

52:03

let's get some Vitamin D. that's our thoughts.

52:05

Mega Man Aga Khan you know let's go

52:07

and then ago and they have a great

52:09

time. but there was a soul and wall

52:11

that as a dad were I think dad's

52:13

failed. Their kids is when they're afraid of

52:15

their kids and they're afraid to push through

52:18

that wall and they get scared or their

52:20

kids and then like you see an eighteen

52:22

year old kidney like what it's shirts deck

52:24

kids started pushing back at six and the

52:26

kid doesn't want to be in charge of

52:28

the house. Data to half remember it's terrifying.

52:31

For a six year old, the feel like I'm in

52:33

charge of the house it's all on me, but if

52:35

you as a parent start to get afraid to your.

52:38

And stop kind of pushing through

52:40

that someone wants. The. Wall gets thicker,

52:42

the kid gets in more control. The kids

52:44

feels so scared because like on fourteen I

52:46

shouldn't be running the house on not equipped

52:48

to run this house but nobody stepping up.

52:51

so I guess I better on this house

52:53

so that's where encourages goals is like. There's.

52:56

Been times is our kids were will say. Okay,

52:59

like let's do it for a month, give us a

53:01

month or you the school activity like okay like give

53:03

us a semester and will will reassess at the end

53:05

of the semester and like can we come to a

53:07

compromise on that? You know what to do it and.

53:09

Often like it's their favorite thing

53:11

they did. And he might not tell

53:14

you that but like you can see their on fire

53:16

and. They. Come home like man. Track was crazy

53:18

today. like and you're so glad that

53:20

when they threw up that initial push back

53:22

of i don't detract, None of my

53:24

friends are doing track track is dumb that

53:26

you said. let's just. Let's. Let's

53:28

just try it a cipher weekends and see what

53:31

happens. The strive for weeks and then you that

53:33

that for me as one of our roles as

53:35

a parent is to push through that solon. Well,

53:38

As is so true Man and and you're

53:40

right, I mean you varies. two daughters Ivers

53:43

for boys He some of the some of

53:45

their biggest victories were the things that they

53:47

didn't wanna do and we just say one

53:49

was tried to first season joy. for that

53:51

I don't. We see what happens. Literati like

53:54

a lot like I'm not foresee you this

53:56

is a forever but. I think

53:58

the challenges. It's. Hard for

54:00

us for them to know. We know

54:02

them better than anybody and we love

54:04

them. Like crazy. And so

54:07

like we say let's us as a sounds

54:09

are we said our kids are times like

54:11

none of the decisions were making art so

54:13

that you'll have a worse life None of

54:16

the decisions were making are so you'll have

54:18

an like i once you to be a

54:20

successful you know happy content for filled kid

54:22

like that's all like that's all we're trying

54:25

to do so like when we and explained

54:27

decisions and go hey here's the you know

54:29

but where we have a really we try

54:31

to have a really honest like conversation interaction

54:34

with our kids. One thing we did specifically.

54:36

That I posted about and it was funny

54:38

to see the reaction our daughters had. Can

54:40

have a get out of jail free card

54:42

in us and when I mean by that

54:44

is if they were somewhere at a party

54:46

and they felt pressure for whatever they to

54:48

texas and their code was real quick so

54:50

they started a Texas has a real quick

54:52

can I go to so and so's asked

54:54

hae real quick can I get so and

54:56

so ride home we knew admit they want

54:58

us that right back don't know you have

55:00

to get home right now as an egg

55:02

be like yeah my parents have such jerks

55:04

like I would. Love this day and it is terrible

55:06

thing you're a plan to. Do. But you know

55:08

my parents lights. We taught them over

55:10

and over. Throw us under the bus.

55:12

Throw us under the bus like. Let.

55:15

You know, let us be the bad guys. The

55:17

situation says: I'm not going to abandon my six

55:19

year old daughter to an eating your boys. It's

55:21

putting pressure on her. So like that little cheat

55:23

code was worth it's weight in gold. Do. And

55:26

I'm toys to. I just literally job

55:28

at that down. I'm totally stealing that.

55:31

As. Yeah the best route is the best in

55:33

like I had some people go. Well.

55:36

You know you live in a world the

55:38

fear like know I like I live in

55:40

reality like that's the thing I like. Some

55:42

of the stuff I get kind of frustrated

55:44

about is when dad's will go. well. I

55:46

didn't have a problem with gambling my kid

55:48

one either and I go hey. when you

55:50

were twelve, you would have had to ride

55:52

your Hussey to a riverboat casino in Mississippi.

55:54

Your kid just has it on his phone.

55:57

So don't do that. When I was his age,

55:59

it doesn't exist. Anymore they live in

56:01

a world that dozen eggs. your world doesn't

56:03

exist. So like Yoda had the know a

56:05

bookie or they'll go well my kid will

56:07

struggle of ports dude. The. Entire

56:09

world's collection of porn is on their phone

56:11

like when I was a kid our internet

56:13

porn was you found a magazine in the

56:16

woods somebody thrown out and it have been

56:18

rained on by the time be found. It

56:20

was the size of an accordion and it

56:22

had earthworms on It's like and now like

56:24

and so like are you know and like

56:26

Sentinel I have I know friends whose whose

56:28

kids have died from Sentinel and so like

56:30

we say honest things are kids like you

56:32

can experiment like I know, like I'd like.

56:34

you can't like there's sentinel and more than

56:36

you think like you can't You can't tell

56:38

if we talk about. That's a lot. And

56:40

so that's the other thing I try to

56:42

get. Dad's especially to get as like that

56:45

the world of difference and not to lead

56:47

from a fear based place, but to lead

56:49

from a a place of reality. Like to

56:51

go like hey, know you like years Things

56:54

to be smart about like hey know. here's

56:56

like hears things to be deliberate about so

56:58

we'd adult Yeah, don't think we like. We've

57:00

raised very brave kids, but we've also really

57:02

raise very realistic kids. You

57:05

know it's interesting. say that I'm

57:07

me about their generational differences. I had

57:10

Nikki Sixx from Moniker on the

57:12

Park as I actually had my oldest

57:14

son in on that interview because

57:16

he loves music was Molly Karun. Vicky.

57:19

Six said the exact same thing so eaten my

57:21

oldest a asthma course At the end users I

57:23

katie have any advice for my generation. And

57:26

Nikki Sixx was like, yeah, do actually years is

57:28

going to feel like a shotgun blast your face

57:30

to. That's okay, I'd rather be alive and in

57:32

a coffin. He's like when I was a kid,

57:34

you know he would steal weed or whatever, grab

57:36

some beers or whatever, and like we're just being

57:38

kids. His Eight The Drugs has a man. They.

57:41

Will straight up kill you. They. Will you

57:43

guys with something is A There isn't a

57:45

week because I don't read about some high

57:47

school athlete the nobody ever saw com and

57:50

tried drugs for the first time and died

57:52

he's I guess drugs they will kill you

57:54

and up. my son

57:56

was like wow as deep he goes yeah but

57:58

has better the have you alive than in a coffin.

58:02

I agree with that, man. Wow, good for Nikki Sixx.

58:04

Right, yeah. Good for Nikki Sixx. One more thing he

58:06

and I have in common. One more thing. They, of

58:09

several. Yeah, before we head out.

58:11

People say that all the time. They're like John Acuff

58:14

is like the nonfiction Nikki Sixx. That's

58:16

a phrase a lot of people apply to me.

58:18

I can totally see that, totally see that. Yeah.

58:20

Before we head out of here today, you

58:22

mentioned you have a new book coming out. I don't know

58:24

if you can talk about it, but I'd love for you

58:26

to share just any breadcrumbs you have about it. I think

58:29

we'd love to hear. If you can. Yeah,

58:31

so the new book comes out in September. It's

58:33

called How Teens Win. And

58:36

it's a guide to goals for

58:38

teens. And it's written by

58:40

teenagers. My daughters wrote it. And

58:43

what's been fun. So we did one called

58:45

Your New Playlist, which is soundtracks for teens.

58:47

And it's being taught in school. And

58:49

that's really fun because that one's a mindset book.

58:52

And my hope is in 20 years, every

58:54

kid has a mindset class. Because 20 years ago, they didn't

58:57

have a finance class. 20 years ago,

58:59

our plan with kids with finances was, here's a

59:01

credit card, try not to buy a jet ski.

59:03

And then we would go, so weird, they wrecked

59:05

their life with bad debt. And you're like, no,

59:07

it's not. We didn't give them any information. But

59:09

now every freshman in high school, in America at

59:11

least, has a personal finance class. So my hope

59:13

is in the future, they'll have a mindset class.

59:16

Because your mindset is so critical to the things

59:18

you end up doing. I hope they'll

59:20

have a goals class. Because if

59:22

you can figure out kind of what fires you

59:25

up, how you work best, how you get

59:27

things done, the entire

59:29

world opens up. You

59:32

can accomplish anything. And

59:34

it took me until my 30s

59:36

and 40s to really get that. So I've got a real

59:38

heart for kids getting that at 12. When

59:41

I meet a 21 year old who's flipping sneakers

59:43

online and hustling, I'm like, oh dude, this is

59:45

a, you get it. This kid is gonna go

59:48

so far. So a lot of those kind of

59:50

books that we end up writing that are for

59:52

teenagers are kind of, I wanna give them the

59:54

keys that took me till 30 or 40 to get.

59:57

And if they'll use them, man, there's a lot they

59:59

can do. I can't wait for

1:00:01

that to come out. That is gonna be, you

1:00:04

mentioned that you pay your kids to read

1:00:06

books and I've done the same. My

1:00:09

oldest and I read Relentless

1:00:11

together. Oh nice,

1:00:13

the Tim Grover book? Tim Grover book,

1:00:15

yeah. And speaking of goals, right? We

1:00:18

actually came up with a sheet, right?

1:00:21

Of like what pages we were gonna be

1:00:23

on by the week and then

1:00:25

when our accountability check-in was gonna be. And

1:00:28

then at the end of, I think it took, I

1:00:31

think it was, I think

1:00:33

it was two months that took him to read

1:00:35

the book. But then at the end of two months, there was $500, like

1:00:38

waiting for him if he did

1:00:41

everything he was supposed to do. Dude, that's great. Yeah

1:00:43

and we loved the process, but I'm gonna pick up

1:00:45

that book and that's gonna be the next book we're

1:00:47

gonna do that with. Dude, I'll get you a copy.

1:00:49

I'll totally add you to the early influencer list. Oh

1:00:51

I would love to do that. Now that I know

1:00:53

you're rolling with Nikki Sixx, let's go. Well you guys

1:00:55

have so much in common. I'm actually surprised that you

1:00:57

guys do that. When you

1:00:59

said that, I was like, why are we both on this

1:01:01

podcast? He's already done this stuff. You know what I mean?

1:01:03

Like I was like, I guess I have two different guys.

1:01:06

That's so funny. Where's

1:01:09

the best place for men to connect with you? I know

1:01:11

you have Instagram, I follow you on Instagram, but as

1:01:13

far as where men can follow you to get the

1:01:15

best information, your books and the whole mine yards. Yeah,

1:01:18

I have a podcast called All It Takes Is A Goal where

1:01:20

I talk about this stuff a lot. And

1:01:23

my website is

1:01:25

johnacuff.com, j-o-n-a-c-u-f-f.com. And

1:01:28

yeah, the two most recent books are Soundtracks

1:01:30

and then All It Takes Is A Goal.

1:01:32

And you can usually find me just about

1:01:34

anywhere with John A. Cuff. I

1:01:36

love it, man. Well guys, not to worry, we're gonna have

1:01:38

all the links in the show notes. We'll have all of

1:01:40

John's books. We'll have his website, his Instagram. All

1:01:43

you have to do is head on over to the

1:01:45

dadedge.com/469 for this show. Again,

1:01:47

the dadedge.com/469. John,

1:01:50

from my heart to yours, this was

1:01:52

awesome. I love your energy. I

1:01:54

love everything about what you stand for, the

1:01:56

things that you write. And thank you so

1:01:59

much for fulfilling. the request of

1:02:01

the audience that I got numerous requests you

1:02:03

gotta have John A. Cottaw awesome dude we'll

1:02:05

do it again this is the first time

1:02:07

of hopefully many yeah man every time you

1:02:09

every time you write a book man let's

1:02:11

have you on that's a dangerous statement I'm

1:02:13

prolific I've been writing a book with my

1:02:16

feet this entire interview I go let's go

1:02:18

that's awesome man thanks again brother

1:02:20

appreciate it Oh