0:02

Welcome to the Dad Edge Podcast.

0:04

The Dad Edge Movement creates leaders of men,

0:07

leaders of families, and leaders of

0:09

communities. We will not only

0:12

impact this generation of fathers, but the

0:14

next generation as well. The

0:16

kids we are raising will have better chances

0:18

and odds stacked in their favor because of

0:20

the amazing example that their fathers emulated for

0:22

them. We are here

0:25

to change the world. We are

0:27

here to change relationships. We

0:29

are here to positively disrupt this generation

0:31

of fathers so no man goes to their

0:33

grave with regret. We

0:35

disrupt the drift of busyness and replace

0:38

it with razor focused intention, passion,

0:41

purpose, and direction. We

0:44

are the Dad Edge and we are

0:46

here to change the game. Hey,

1:02

what's up gentlemen? Welcome to the

1:04

Dad Edge Podcast. I'm Larry Hagner,

1:06

your host and founder of this

1:08

podcast. This show and this movement.

1:11

Hey listen, this episode is

1:13

not only going to be available on

1:15

all the podcasting channels, but also head on

1:17

over to the Dad Edge YouTube channel because

1:19

what I'm going to be doing here today

1:21

is I'm going to

1:23

be sharing with you guys how to

1:25

have deeper conversations, how to have conversational

1:27

excellence with your spouse, with

1:30

your partner. So whatever we're calling her

1:32

these days, I know I think the correct

1:34

term these days is partner, but spouse,

1:37

wife, partner, whatever we're calling

1:39

her these days, you know, we're about

1:41

seven days right now from Valentine's day.

1:43

And obviously like, you know, this is a

1:45

big month. This is a big month for

1:47

love, for connection, all these things. This is

1:49

also a huge month for couples

1:51

out there who want to celebrate some of the connections

1:53

that they've made with each other, some of the good

1:55

things that they're doing, but it's also a

1:57

month for those of us who don't have the marriage that

1:59

we. I truly want, it's a reminder of

2:01

like, man, like I really wanna

2:03

be more connected to my wife. So

2:06

before I move on today, I just got a

2:08

couple of, I have one request and I have

2:10

a couple of quick announcements here. My number one

2:13

request is this, head on over to iTunes, head

2:15

on over to Spotify, wherever you download your

2:18

podcast or just this YouTube

2:20

video alone, leave a comment

2:22

here or hit the like button, subscribe or

2:24

share it in some way, shape or form

2:26

if you're on Spotify or iTunes. Go

2:29

take 30 seconds, if I've helped you

2:31

in any way, shape or form, leave

2:33

me a five star rating and review, but don't

2:35

do it yet, wait until I give

2:37

you the value first because

2:40

today's episode is gonna be chalked

2:42

with three different ways that you can

2:45

actually elevate the connection with your wife,

2:48

just by making some of the simplest

2:50

tweaks possible. I think you'll

2:52

actually be really, really surprised. Some of these

2:54

things are gonna serve as really powerful reminders.

2:56

And as we get older and as we

2:58

just are married longer, we tend to forget

3:00

these things. We're not doing them nearly

3:03

as intentionally as we did when we were dating

3:05

or before we got married. So that's

3:07

my one request if I've helped you out in any way, out

3:10

of the past almost 1200 episodes, go

3:12

over to iTunes, go over to Spotify, leave me a

3:14

rating or review, or subscribe here

3:16

to our YouTube channel. Another

3:18

announcement here, so what I'm gonna be showing you guys

3:20

today is some content and

3:22

basically a small preview of what we

3:24

do in the Data Edge Alliance. And

3:27

how we actually teach our men. So if you're watching me on

3:29

YouTube, you're actually gonna see the

3:31

workbooks, the PDFs, the

3:34

documents that we actually use to

3:36

help our men get really dialed in to

3:38

teach them the tactical skills. This

3:41

is a tactical skill teaching training as well.

3:44

It's going to facilitate incredible conversations between you and

3:46

your wife. It's gonna create more curiosity, more depth,

3:48

more appreciation. You're gonna feel like you're dating again.

3:50

I know that sounds for some of you guys

3:52

too good to be true, but trust me when

3:55

I say you are

3:57

gonna be able to learn things today that you're

3:59

gonna be able to implement. and they're very, very

4:01

simple that are gonna help you with the connection

4:04

with your wife. None of us

4:06

got married to have a mediocre marriage. None

4:08

of us did. We got married because we

4:10

wanted to have an incredible marriage. We got

4:13

married because we loved her. We got married

4:15

because we wanted to elevate the relationship further

4:18

along than before we got married. And somehow,

4:20

someway, the challenges that come

4:22

about with marriage, they just

4:24

get tough for some reason. Like, actually,

4:26

I know the reasons, and I think

4:28

you do too. Anything

4:31

that we do well in life, anything at all,

4:33

we learn the skills that are associated with

4:36

that particular skill. So like, for instance,

4:38

if you're a civil engineer, you

4:40

don't just wake up one day and say, hey,

4:42

I wanna be a civil engineer today. And then

4:44

suddenly you are, and you're doing the job flawlessly.

4:47

You don't go into a MMA

4:49

fight and never take any

4:51

type of self-defense training or any type of training whatsoever.

4:53

You're like, hey, today I'm gonna be an MMA fighter.

4:55

I've never done martial arts before, but I'm gonna do

4:58

it. And I think I can figure it out. I've

5:00

seen enough UFC fights. I think I

5:02

know what to do. We would

5:04

just get pummeled, right? And for some

5:06

crazy reason, we don't do that in our careers. We

5:08

don't do that in martial arts. We don't do

5:10

that in sports. We have a coach. We have a

5:13

team within sports. But we do

5:15

that in other areas of our life. And

5:17

one of them is marriage, right? And this

5:19

month in February, it's a powerful reminder of,

5:22

it just kinda nudges us a little bit. Like,

5:24

do you have a great marriage with your wife?

5:26

Or is it really, really tough? And

5:29

I know if you're in

5:31

a season of challenge, I

5:34

know how that feels. I spent

5:36

the first half of my marriage,

5:39

first 10 years of my marriage frustrated.

5:41

I am shocked that

5:43

my wife and I are still married today, that Jessica and I

5:46

are still married to this day. Things

5:48

started to change when

5:50

I started learning new things, like learning

5:53

new skills within communication and connection and

5:55

conversational excellence and intimacy and all these

5:57

things. I had no idea you could-

6:00

actually learn these things. I always assume like,

6:02

well, we're married, it should come naturally and

6:04

it doesn't come naturally. In fact, the longer

6:06

you're together and the more you buy into

6:08

that live, well, this should come naturally with

6:10

no work and if it's work that

6:12

maybe we just don't love each other anymore, man,

6:14

don't buy into that because it is

6:17

work, but it's good work and it's wholesome

6:19

work and it's work that is worth it,

6:21

right? What happens over time

6:23

is the relationship starts to deteriorate. We

6:26

start to drift, we start to have distance and

6:28

we start to have distance. What happens is we

6:31

create this division between us and

6:33

that division is called emotional resentment

6:35

usually. Usually what that looks like is

6:37

he's not doing this, this and this, he's doing this,

6:39

this and that and I don't like it or he's

6:41

not doing this and I don't appreciate that. Shouldn't he

6:43

know what to do? On our side, it'd be like,

6:45

well, I'm doing this, this and this. Shouldn't she

6:48

be appreciating me more or respecting me more or

6:50

whatever else? She shouldn't really talk to me that

6:52

way, but all of these things

6:54

get really, really mixed up when each

6:57

party is not getting their three needs met

6:59

and those three needs within relationships are for men

7:02

and it's to be respected, to

7:04

be appreciated and to be validated. Those are

7:07

our three needs. If you

7:09

really want to kick a man in the emotional

7:11

balls, disrespect him and don't appreciate

7:13

him. In fact, do the opposite and if you really

7:16

want to add salt to the wound, you

7:18

do it in publically. Disrespect

7:20

him publicly, unappreciate him publicly

7:22

and that is a deal breaker for

7:26

a lot of us. I have a client,

7:28

a one-on-one client who has a two-year-old daughter

7:30

and I'm helping him right

7:32

now with his marriage and one

7:34

of the things that he said

7:36

that his wife used to do,

7:39

before the wife would hand the daughter over

7:41

to the dad, he'd be like, Daddy

7:44

is very mean. Daddy says

7:47

very mean things to mommy and I know

7:49

you think he's great, but

7:51

Daddy can be very mean. Whether

7:54

we're mean or not, that's a point. But

7:56

we never disrespect

7:59

him. each other in

8:01

that way. We never leverage our kids for

8:04

disrespect, like publicly like that, so it's really

8:06

cruel. And that is gonna create

8:08

a huge division in our relationship. Now

8:10

the three basic needs of our wives, and quite frankly,

8:13

some of us men are good at it, and some of

8:15

us we have opportunities to grow. And

8:17

I'll tell you, I was an idiot, an

8:19

absolute idiot when it came to this,

8:22

my first half of my marriage. And even though

8:24

I would say the next five years, I've only

8:26

really gotten my handle on this

8:28

over the past five years. And

8:30

what I can tell you is the last five years of my

8:32

relationship with Jess has by far been

8:35

the best. It's

8:37

not that all sunshine and rainbows, I'm not

8:39

gonna say it's been amazing every single day,

8:41

every single minute. Of course we go through

8:44

challenges, but those challenges are much

8:46

more short-lived. They're much easier to get through

8:48

when you have the skills to navigate it.

8:51

But if you're just trying to wing it, and

8:53

if you're just focusing on like, we used to be

8:55

like this before kids, and it used to be so

8:57

much easier, and why can't we get back to that?

9:00

We can't get back to that necessarily. And

9:02

I'll explain here in a second, we can't

9:04

get back to that necessarily, because that's not

9:07

us anymore. That's not the dynamics that are

9:09

at play anymore. So like for instance, if

9:11

you wanna get back to the relationship you

9:13

had before kids when you were dating, we

9:15

can get to that somehow, but there's going

9:17

to be other complexities because we're parents now.

9:20

Most of us have even more than one kid, which

9:22

is gonna add even more business, and more moving

9:24

parts. Like listen, I've got four boys, I've got

9:26

a 16 year old, I've got a 17 year

9:28

old, a 10 year old, a seven year old.

9:30

There's a lot of energy, there's a lot of

9:32

sports, there's a lot of basketball games, there's a

9:34

lot of moving parts, there's behaviors, there's

9:37

activities that we're doing, there's so many

9:39

different things that are at play here

9:41

versus than when Jessica and I were dating, when we first

9:44

got married in the first three years for our marriage, we

9:46

didn't have kids. So it's

9:48

impossible to think like, how can we go

9:50

back to a relationship before kids?

9:52

Now, we can actually reinvent some of

9:54

those things. We can actually get more

9:56

connected, but believe it or not, You

9:59

can actually be close. Sir Now. With.

10:01

Kids. Then. You ever wear when

10:03

you're dating? You. Can actually have a

10:06

better, deeper, more connected relationship with more

10:08

intimacy, with more love, with more respect,

10:10

with more appreciation, more sex than you

10:12

did. When. You were dating. And

10:15

I'll tell you I'm living proof of that. We

10:18

have. We are more connected. Just and

10:20

I are. We have better sex. We

10:22

have more sex. We have better conversations.

10:25

But it's because. We. Intentionally dial

10:27

in some of the skills them into teaching

10:29

as today. So what am I share with

10:31

you guys today that you're watching me on

10:33

you tube? These are the skills that we

10:35

teach our men and the Alliance. And in

10:37

the Alliance and and the month of February

10:39

we are helping men. Elevate.

10:42

Their merits It All about conversational excellence.

10:44

It's all by creating more intimacy, more

10:46

deaths. It's it's all about cursing more

10:49

more Sacks in our relationship, more and

10:51

better sex. But we do these things

10:53

and we get these things. dial, then

10:55

actually outside the bedroom. Believe it or

10:57

not, for doing the right things outside

11:00

the bedroom. What happens inside the betterment

11:02

number One is going to be a

11:04

natural result. Rapists. Are doing

11:06

the right things and she doing the right

11:08

things were doing the right things as a

11:10

couple were doing the work that is dinner

11:12

result in we're gonna be closer, are going

11:14

to more connected, we're gonna have more those

11:16

feelings of intimacy and as a result we're

11:19

gonna have more and better sets. It's just

11:21

going to happen. It's that the result of

11:23

what happens We're usually happens for us as

11:25

married couples of so we try. We try

11:27

the physical things first and full play all

11:29

the other things you know for like dominoes.

11:31

actually the opposite. we need

11:33

to have all the other thing

11:35

styled and bursts so in the

11:37

month of february were helping men

11:39

and it's not too late you

11:41

can acid jump right in still

11:43

and still learn surrey more week

11:45

so amazing skills to elevate your

11:47

relationship plus in the alliance not

11:49

only are we dedicate an entire

11:51

community an entire teachings to to

11:53

marriage conversation live intimacy closeness sachs

11:55

passion all of these things but

11:57

we also have us from for

12:00

Marriage calls per week in the Alliance.

12:02

So it doesn't matter what what

12:04

tactics we're treating We're teaching our men

12:06

in the Alliance We have four call

12:08

teams that are dedicated just to this

12:10

no matter what we're teaching So

12:13

you can double down on your marriage at any time if you're

12:15

a part of our community So I'm

12:17

gonna give you guys what you came here for and

12:19

I'm gonna be doing some screen sharing So like

12:21

I said head on head on over to YouTube

12:23

subscribe Check out this video. It

12:25

will be a link there for you But

12:28

this training will be absolute

12:31

gold for you guys moving forward in the

12:33

month of of February So here's what we're

12:35

doing. This is what our Alliance workbooks look

12:37

like and this is the month of February

12:39

So in the very first week

12:41

here, we are doing conversational excellence,

12:43

right? This is week one in

12:46

order to elevate The

12:48

connection in our marriages it

12:51

starts actually with the conversations Not

12:53

necessarily only the words that we say but

12:56

also how we listen how we reflect back

12:58

how we demonstrate empathy, right? All

13:00

of these things matter and they matter so much

13:04

You can we can try to

13:06

get close we can try to create

13:08

connection before not doing these things within

13:10

conversation Why frankly, it's all for nothing.

13:12

So here's what we're gonna do I like to start

13:14

out every single thing that we teach in

13:17

the Alliance with a quote because it just gets

13:19

us prime for What it is. We're about ready to

13:21

go learn. So Stephen Covey stated most

13:23

people don't listen with the intent to

13:25

understand They listen with the

13:27

intent to reply and how many of us are

13:30

guilty of that where we actually shut down our

13:33

Listening ears we shut down actually even our

13:35

heart because we just want to reply to

13:37

what she is saying, right? She does it

13:39

too, right? These are skills and this is

13:41

actually one of the seven habits of highly

13:43

effective people is seek first to understand and

13:46

then to be understood Well, if you want

13:48

to elevate intimacy and you want to elevate

13:50

connection You have to seek first to understand

13:52

right not be thinking of necessarily what to

13:54

say But really understanding

13:57

what she is saying. So the three learning

13:59

objectives that we're gonna go over today is

14:02

how to give your full attention and

14:05

minimize distractions. Now this might seem super simple, but

14:07

it's something we get tripped up all the time.

14:09

How many of you have been in conversations with

14:11

your wife where you or her have your cell

14:13

phone in your hand? I'm not even talking about

14:15

looking at it, but actually have it in your

14:18

hand. Now, the psychological impact of

14:20

just having your cell phone in your hand,

14:22

Simon Sinek said this, basically

14:24

what I am telling you in

14:28

a nonverbal communicative way is that you

14:30

are not nearly as important as my

14:32

device and you don't have my full attention.

14:34

Whether that thing is closed or not, if

14:36

it's in my hand, it sends a message

14:38

to her that

14:42

there's something between us. And her too, putting

14:45

the phones down, having

14:47

open nonverbal communication body language,

14:49

having open body language saying like, I am

14:52

in this conversation with you. I'm not worried

14:54

about my cell phone. I'm in it with

14:56

you. I have eye contact, the whole nine

14:59

yards. So that's number one, how to demonstrate

15:01

empathy. Some of us are good at this,

15:03

but most of the world does not understand

15:05

this. Empathy is all about

15:08

helping us understand what

15:11

is she feeling, what am I feeling,

15:13

right? And also being a good reflective

15:15

listener, right? Being able to articulate

15:17

back what it is that you

15:20

understand with what she said and vice versa.

15:22

That's empathy. But also understanding

15:25

what emotion is tied

15:27

to what we're feeling. Is she

15:29

feeling frustrated? Is she feeling

15:31

overwhelmed? Is she feeling exhausted,

15:33

sad, depressed, irritated?

15:36

All of these things that are

15:38

so important. Now, when

15:40

it comes to better conversations, what's

15:42

really meaningful and important is utilizing

15:45

open-ended questions, right? For more depth in

15:47

the conversation. Now I'll tell you, this

15:50

is another one. Now, most people are like, well,

15:52

I asked her how her day is. We don't

15:54

wanna ask how her day was. That is like

15:57

the number one question that really doesn't create any.

16:00

type of connection whatsoever, because she's gonna

16:02

answer it with fine, good, crazy, busy,

16:04

boring, because guess what? We

16:06

do the exact same thing. So I'm

16:08

gonna give you guys here a list

16:11

of different questions on the screen share. Feel

16:14

free to take a snapshot of it if

16:16

you're watching it on YouTube. I'll hold it

16:18

up here for quite some time, you can

16:20

screenshot it. You can also head on over

16:22

to the datedge.com/25 questions. You

16:25

can download a PDF and I also teach you

16:27

the skill of actually using open-ended

16:29

what we call generative questions. Take

16:33

a sip of my coffee there. All right,

16:35

so here are some of the

16:37

common mistakes that happen when we

16:39

go to connect with our

16:42

wives, okay? Through conversation. Now, the

16:44

reason I'm sharing with you what the common mistakes

16:46

are is because I'm gonna show you what good

16:48

looks like. But if I

16:50

don't show you what not so good looks like,

16:52

then I'm not showing you where the potential bear

16:54

traps are, right, or where the potholes are at.

16:57

Part of my job here is to not only share with

16:59

you what to do but also what to stay away from

17:02

because if we don't know those things, we might continue to

17:04

make the same mistakes. So number one is interrupting

17:06

or finishing her sentences. So

17:09

the solution here is to practice patience

17:11

and allow for silence, even though sometimes

17:13

silence can be awkward, but just allow

17:16

for silence. Resist the urge to interrupt.

17:18

Let her finish her thoughts before responding.

17:21

Embrace the moments of silence as it

17:23

gives her space to express them fully.

17:25

So it's really okay to

17:27

just be there, right, and

17:29

to just listen, right? It does so

17:31

much good when we listen. Now,

17:34

the other one too, and this goes along with

17:36

what Stephen Covey says, is we're preparing a response

17:38

while we listen. We don't wanna do

17:40

that. I know it's so hard because we as men,

17:42

what we wanna do is we wanna problem solve, we

17:44

wanna be better, but what I'll

17:46

tell you is that it goes so much

17:49

further if we just simply listen. So we

17:51

wanna focus on understanding, not

17:53

so much the response, but understanding.

17:55

That's super important right before responding.

17:58

The other thing too is, and we've... We've already talked about this.

18:01

We beat it to death, I think, at this point,

18:03

which is allowing distractions to interfere. And

18:05

you wanna minimize distractions and be fully present.

18:08

I'll share with you this. My wife and I

18:10

were trying to have a conversation last night while

18:12

we were watching the Kansas City Chiefs play in

18:14

the playoffs game when they were playing the Bills,

18:17

which by the way, I'm a Chiefs fan, but

18:20

it was gut wrenching, man, to see Bass

18:24

kick that field goal wide, like

18:26

the pain in that poor guy's face. Oh

18:28

my God, that was really tough. So I'm

18:31

gonna digress, but it was a tough game

18:33

to watch, but my wife and I were

18:35

trying to have a conversation during this football

18:37

game, and neither one of us were like 100% in

18:39

it. So we just

18:41

kinda looked at each other and laughed and said,

18:43

do we either wanna turn this off or

18:46

do we wanna just save this conversation for

18:48

when the football game's done? And we both

18:50

agreed, let's just save it for you. The

18:53

football game's almost done, let's just save it for

18:55

when we're done. But we both knew that we

18:57

weren't fully entrenched in the conversation, which was creating

18:59

a bit of a divide in our conversation. So

19:01

minimizing distractions is key, whether it's your cell phone,

19:04

whether it's a TV, even kids, if you

19:06

wanna have a deep, meaningful conversation, it's really

19:08

hard to do that when you have a

19:11

screaming six-year-old in the background or a two-year-old

19:13

or a teenager that need or

19:15

want your attention. So minimizing these

19:17

distractions during really in-depth conversations is

19:19

huge. So three big

19:21

ideas here, right? And again,

19:23

I'm gonna give you guys a little bit more nuggets here,

19:25

a little bit more meat on the bone. When

19:28

it comes to giving our full attention,

19:30

like I said, we wanna eliminate distractions,

19:32

number one, but we also want to

19:34

maintain eye contact, right? Many

19:37

of us, especially if we've gotten used

19:39

to a certain relationship, we

19:41

don't necessarily give the person the best

19:43

eye contact anymore, and that's really unfortunate.

19:46

We wanna make sure that she feels heard,

19:48

that she feels seen, and if we can

19:50

do that with our ears and our eyes

19:52

and maintain eye contact, she's

19:54

gonna feel those two things. Here's the really cool

19:56

thing about being seen and heard. Once she feels

19:58

seen and heard. That third need

20:00

of feeling safe actually kind of falls like

20:03

a domino because if those first two needs

20:05

are being met The good news is is

20:07

she is going to feel safe and she

20:09

feels safe That's when intimacy

20:11

will really start to to deepen. That's

20:13

when things start to feel really really

20:15

good So keep that in mind

20:18

now to demonstrate empathy i'm gonna take a sip of my

20:20

coffee here To

20:22

demonstrate empathy what you want to

20:24

do is number one reflective listening,

20:26

right? You can repeat back in

20:29

your own words what you heard her say,

20:31

right? Now I don't particularly

20:33

like this. I don't like the statement is

20:35

what I heard you say is right or

20:39

We don't want to do that What we want

20:41

to do is saying like feels like this

20:43

might be Overwhelming right now

20:45

and why wouldn't it be so

20:47

what I did there is not only did I

20:50

do some reflective listening? But I also this is

20:52

the second point which is validate her feelings If

20:55

I can validate what it is

20:57

that she's feeling whether that's sadness

21:00

or whether that's irritation Frustration

21:02

or whatever it is. Well, guess what?

21:05

Women are emotional beings if I can validate

21:07

her feelings with what I think she might

21:09

be feeling She is

21:11

going to feel incredibly Connected

21:13

to me because I saw her I heard

21:16

her and by doing so I'm

21:18

going to make her feel safe So

21:20

demonstrating empathy reflecting back what it is

21:23

That you think she is saying with

21:25

the feeling with the feeling that you

21:27

think she might be feeling That

21:30

is a recipe for absolute connection

21:32

for intimacy to make her feel

21:34

safe This is where really

21:36

good conversations start to happen And

21:39

then the third one is open-ended questions, right?

21:41

Getting very curious. I'm even going to write

21:43

this word down So you guys can see

21:45

it getting very very curious, right? Think

21:48

of your first date when you asked your

21:50

wife about her childhood about Maybe

21:52

what her faith is or what she wants to do for a

21:55

living or how many kids that she wanted or what her upbringing

21:57

was Like you hung on every

21:59

single word that she says because you

22:01

were so curious, you were so into her.

22:03

Well, over time, we feel that that starts

22:05

to kind of go away. Well, guess what?

22:07

It doesn't have to go away because we

22:09

are human beings that evolve, we grow, we

22:11

change all the time. The

22:13

person that she was and the things that were important to

22:16

her and different things, some might be the same, but some

22:18

might have changed. Like I said, I've known

22:20

Jessica for 28 years. It's crazy to

22:22

think that I've known her that long and

22:24

neither one of us are the same people that we

22:26

used to be. In fact, if I was the same

22:28

guy at 48 years old that

22:31

I was at 21, we have a serious

22:33

problem on our hands. We grow, we evolve,

22:35

things change, we value things differently. So

22:37

people are always changing and that's okay to

22:39

get really curious about that. So

22:42

ask open-ended questions, encourage

22:45

further expression. And then two, when

22:47

she's answering, avoid interrupting. Don't

22:50

interrupt, right? But further

22:52

expression means, hey, demonstrate

22:55

your interest and encourage your wife to

22:57

share her thoughts, her feelings and experiences

22:59

more fully. And there's three words

23:01

that can really do that. So if you ask

23:03

your wife, hey, tell me something that was a

23:05

highlight of your day-to-day. And if

23:08

she shares something like, oh

23:10

my gosh, I got a phone call from Jill today, I

23:12

have not talked to her in so long, like

23:14

it was so good to catch up with her. I

23:16

was like, man, that's awesome. You must feel amazing. So

23:18

what I'm doing there is I'm validating her feelings. I

23:21

was amazing. Tell me more about that. What'd you guys

23:23

catch up on? So when

23:25

I say, tell me more about that,

23:27

it shows my interest, right? It shows

23:29

that I want her to fully express

23:31

what happened. Because when she does that,

23:33

we feel connected and we feel close. So

23:37

here's what I encourage you guys to do. We

23:39

went over several different things, but in the Alliance,

23:41

what we do is we have

23:43

men actually journal on questions, right? And I

23:46

want you to just think about these, right?

23:48

Just think about these. If you're listening to

23:50

this, you're outside of our community, but think

23:52

about these. Because what we can do is

23:55

when we ask ourselves better

23:58

questions, we can

24:00

actually grab the gold that

24:03

is already there where we've already been

24:05

successful. So like for instance, or

24:07

present day, right? Like this question, besides

24:10

eye contact and eliminating distractions, what are

24:12

some additional ways you can ensure she

24:14

knows and you know that

24:16

you are fully present and immersed in

24:18

the conversation, right? Now we used

24:20

to do this early on, right? So like

24:22

for instance, if I was answering this question,

24:24

I would think of several different things. I

24:27

would think back to like maybe our first

24:29

date, right? Or I would think of times

24:33

where we were having conversations that were really meaningful.

24:36

The times where we had meaningful

24:38

conversations, I would actually physically

24:41

lean towards her, right? I would lean towards

24:43

her because that shows that

24:45

I'm interested. I would

24:47

make sure that I maintained eye contact,

24:49

right? I would also match her energy.

24:51

If she was sharing something that was

24:54

exciting to her, I would

24:56

somewhat match that energy with maybe a smile

24:58

or maybe something like, man, that sounds so

25:00

awesome. Tell me more about that, right? And

25:04

that's another breadcrumb right there is tell me more about

25:06

that means I'm curious about you. I want you to

25:08

go on. I want you to share more because

25:10

when we are interested, we

25:13

are interesting. And that's actually a quote from

25:15

Chris Voss, the former chief hostage negotiator for

25:17

the FBI. When we

25:19

are interested, we suddenly become

25:22

more interesting and we're

25:24

fully engaged in somebody else's detail, their

25:26

life and all the things around that. Suddenly

25:29

we become the most interesting person that she wants

25:31

to talk to. So that's

25:33

how you know. Now think about this

25:35

question as well. How can you effectively

25:37

validate her feelings? Now there's all kinds

25:39

of different wisdom that would come

25:41

forth if we were asking this to a different group

25:43

of people. Different guys are gonna go about this differently.

25:46

But I'm asking you just to reflect on

25:48

that question. How can you effectively validate

25:51

her feelings? And maybe

25:53

for you after just learning this

25:55

particular video in this session, maybe what you've

25:57

learned is like, man, I really

25:59

need... to insert whatever feeling that I think

26:02

she's feeling. If I get the

26:04

feeling that she's feeling frustrated, well, I'm

26:06

gonna say that out loud. Oh my

26:08

gosh, that sounds so frustrating. Tell me

26:10

more about that. And again, now what

26:12

I'm doing is I'm validating feelings, but

26:15

I'm also getting very curious, right? Curious,

26:17

tell me more about that. Notice when

26:20

I say, tell me more about that, I don't say, why do

26:22

you feel that way? When I use

26:24

the word why, I wanna stay away from that.

26:26

Anytime you wanna use the word why with your

26:28

wife, with your kids or people in general, say

26:31

the words, tell me more about that

26:33

instead. Tell me more about that

26:35

is an invite. The word why,

26:37

believe it or not, psychologically it puts

26:39

people on the defense. So stay away

26:41

from why at all costs. If you're

26:43

using the word why, replace it with,

26:45

tell me more or tell me more

26:47

about that, right? Because we wanna keep

26:49

people on the offense.

26:51

We wanna keep them connected to us. And

26:54

we're not gonna do that by triggering small

26:56

defenses like why do you feel that way?

26:59

And especially in that voice tone too, use a

27:01

voice tone of curiosity. Tell me more about that.

27:04

That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about that,

27:07

right? Versus like, why do you feel that way? When

27:09

we do that, it shows curiosity. We

27:11

want them to go on, we're validating feelings

27:14

and we're keeping them on the offense. The

27:16

third and final question is this, when

27:18

it comes to connection, intimacy, and

27:21

the chemistry of the conversation, how

27:23

can open-ended generative questions play a

27:25

critical role in your intimacy? Now,

27:28

think about this for a moment. When

27:30

was the last time that

27:33

you asked your wife a really in-depth

27:35

question that created more intimacy

27:37

like that one, right? So

27:40

if we were to, when I say like that one, I'll

27:42

give you an example of one. So if I

27:44

were to ask my wife, think of a

27:47

time where you felt incredibly connected

27:49

to me. We were

27:51

having the best conversations. You

27:53

felt like we were totally in love. Sex

27:56

was amazing, you know, and we felt

27:58

aligned on our parenting style. What

28:00

was I doing? What were you doing? And what

28:02

were we doing together? Now,

28:05

when I asked that question, that's a lot different than how

28:07

was your day? What's for dinner?

28:10

What are the kids doing? What are the

28:12

kids activities this weekend? What do

28:14

we have going on? Like all

28:16

these things that don't move the needle. But when I

28:18

asked my wife that question, think of a time where

28:20

you felt incredibly connected to me, where

28:23

all the stars were aligned. You felt like we were

28:25

in love. We were having great sex. We were having

28:27

great conversations. And even our parenting styles were aligned. What

28:29

I'm doing is I'm triggering a memory

28:32

in her mouth of when

28:34

these good things were happening. And the cool

28:36

thing about asking open-ended generative questions like this

28:38

is we can actually grab success

28:41

that we've had in the past. We

28:43

don't have to reinvent it. We can actually just do some

28:45

of the things that we used to do really, really well

28:47

that maybe came naturally to us or that we were just

28:49

in the habit of doing it. Maybe we've gotten away from

28:51

that. And she might sit here and be

28:54

like, man, that's a really good question. And

28:56

now she's starting to think. And she's starting to think

28:58

about the past things that you

29:00

guys have done, where you're most

29:02

connected. And here's the really cool thing

29:05

about open-ended generative questions. We

29:07

call them generative questions because they generate emotion.

29:10

They generate memories. Or they generate visions and

29:12

images and all these really cool things. So

29:14

when you're asking her that question, she's

29:17

actually thinking about

29:20

that time. And she's not just thinking

29:22

about it. She's actually reliving it. She's

29:25

actually reliving it. And then she'll probably do this. She'll

29:27

be like, oh man, that's a really good question. And

29:29

she'll probably look up and to the right because that's

29:31

when people are really thinking. And

29:34

then she's imagining, oh my

29:36

gosh, I remember this part

29:38

in our marriage where the

29:42

kids were maybe a little bit smaller, but we were going

29:44

out on more date nights and we

29:46

were having conversations that didn't necessarily have to

29:48

do with us as parents, that had to

29:50

do with us as individuals and about

29:52

our marriage. And it just made me feel really, really close

29:54

to you. And I started thinking, we even start

29:56

to have more conversations about the exciting

29:58

things that we could do. that

30:01

year or maybe some of the adventures that we were going

30:03

on or even some of the small things that we could

30:05

do and it just created so much excitement and

30:07

such a cool bond between you and I. Now

30:10

what's to say that you can't be like, man, that's

30:13

absolutely true and I remember that too. Let's

30:17

continue to do that or let's do that

30:19

again, right? And let's start right

30:21

now. And then you could

30:23

literally just grab some of

30:25

the amazing information that you've

30:27

done in the past. You don't have

30:29

to reinvent the thing. You can actually crowdsource

30:32

from the past and then just

30:34

reignite those back into your relationship.

30:37

So that's the power of generative

30:39

questions. I'm gonna screen share my,

30:41

again, if you're watching this on YouTube, I'm

30:43

gonna screen share my video here one more

30:46

time. Number one, I'm gonna give you

30:48

guys challenges here to think about. Now

30:50

that we've talked about certain things you can do, I

30:53

have a list of three optional challenges and if you're

30:55

just listening to this as a podcast, I'm

30:58

gonna read them off to you. And

31:00

if you're watching this on YouTube, maybe take a screen shot of

31:02

these if you want. But here's challenge number one, tech

31:04

free talk. Okay, that's challenge number one.

31:07

Engage in a meaningful conversation without any

31:09

electronic distractions. That means your phone, that

31:11

means the TV. And I would

31:13

also say like, if you really wanna dial

31:15

this in, don't have a talk

31:17

around your kid. So a tech free, kid

31:19

free talk maybe might be even better. But

31:22

choose a specific time to have a conversation with

31:24

her. Put the phone away, all the other electronic

31:26

devices. Maybe send

31:28

the kids downstairs to play a little bit

31:30

of video games so you guys can have

31:32

a really cool conversation that's meaningful without

31:36

all the distractions. When we have a

31:38

conversation without distractions, it can go deeper,

31:40

it can be better. The

31:42

other challenge I call mirror mirror. Now

31:44

this is where I'm practicing two

31:46

things, reflective listening and

31:49

empathy. Now remember, reflective listening

31:51

is I'm sharing with her things

31:53

that I've heard and I don't do it. I'd be

31:55

like, if I heard you right, I'm hearing you say,

31:58

we wanna keep away from those phrases. What we want

32:00

to say is, man, that

32:02

sounds incredibly frustrating.

32:04

I can't even believe you had to go

32:07

through that. Tell me more about that. Now

32:09

what I'm doing is I'm reflecting back

32:12

on emotion that she's probably feeling. I'm

32:14

inviting her in to tell me more. So

32:17

again, mirror, mirror is a cool challenge.

32:19

And then the last one here, which is quite

32:22

frankly my favorite, the open-ended quest. Now

32:24

this is using open-ended questions to encourage

32:27

more depth in the conversation. In

32:29

your interactions with her, consciously incorporate

32:31

open-ended questions to elicit more detailed

32:33

responses. Instead

32:36

of asking her questions, it can be

32:38

answered with yes, no frame questions to

32:40

encourage her to share thoughts and

32:42

experiences and even feelings. So

32:45

instead of saying, did you have a good day? Try

32:48

asking, what was the best part of your day? You

32:51

can also ask them out. If you're

32:53

on YouTube, you can see all these

32:55

incredible questions that I have. If not,

32:57

head on over to the dadedge.com/25 questions.

33:01

You'll get a free PDF download of this and

33:03

some additional free training on what generative questions are

33:05

all about. So what's the time where

33:07

you felt most loved by me and

33:10

what made you choose that moment? That's

33:12

what we call the best of the past,

33:14

right? Because what you're doing is it's a

33:17

credible generative question that she is going to

33:19

be thinking about and she's

33:21

going to be reliving, right? Now here's

33:24

a question that is best of the present because

33:26

generative questions are the best of the past, the

33:28

best of the present and the best of the

33:30

future, what could be, right? A

33:32

good question for the present is when you

33:35

feel most loved and supported by me, what are some

33:37

things that I am saying or

33:39

doing? Now it's best of the present, right? So we

33:41

can do that. And here's

33:43

one for the future, right? What

33:46

is a new routine we could create

33:48

together, right? Or what is

33:50

something you would like to do more of in

33:53

your life? Now this is something that's more future

33:55

based, right? But this is what generative questions is

33:57

all about. And if you're

33:59

doing your reflective. listening and you're doing these

34:01

things without

34:03

distractions, it's

34:05

amazing at the connection. It's

34:08

amazing what could happen. Now let me share

34:10

one more thing before I let you out

34:12

of here because I don't want

34:14

you to necessarily be unprepared. I'm gonna take another sip of

34:16

my coffee here. I

34:19

don't want you to be unprepared for this because it

34:21

will happen. So, and

34:24

this has happened several

34:26

times in different marriage

34:28

masterminds that I teach, which I teach a

34:30

marriage mastermind myself. I've also, I have one-on-one

34:33

clients that I help them with their marriage.

34:35

But when I teach them these

34:37

points around conversational excellence and how to spark

34:40

a conversation, I always warn men, you know,

34:42

because I don't want you to be hit

34:44

blindly by this. If

34:46

you're gonna listen to any part of this particular

34:48

podcast, I really want this particular

34:51

point to sink in. Once

34:54

you start doing this, I'm gonna warn you,

34:56

right? So if you go up to your wife and

34:59

maybe you guys haven't been close for quite some time,

35:01

or maybe you're just kind of like operating or existing

35:03

or settling or coexisting, and you go up

35:05

to her and say, what is something I currently do that makes you

35:07

feel most loved? There's a

35:09

good chance, depending on the dynamics

35:11

of your relationship, that she's gonna look at you like you

35:13

have two heads. Like, why

35:16

are you asking me this? You never ask me

35:18

these questions, right? Or she might be

35:20

like, why are you asking me this? What's wrong, right?

35:22

Or like, that's a weird, it's a really

35:24

random question. She might like give you like

35:27

the one eyebrow that's kind of up like,

35:29

hmm, why? Why are you asking me this?

35:32

So let me explain psychologically what's going on

35:34

for your wife. If

35:36

she has a response like that, she's

35:39

telling you a couple of different things. Number one, you

35:41

haven't asked me a question like this in quite some

35:44

time, and I'm not sure why you're doing it. What's

35:46

your agenda here? So she might get kind of suspect,

35:48

right? Or what's actually

35:50

happening is she, you know, human beings

35:52

have a need for certainty. There's six

35:54

basic human needs. Certainty,

35:57

variety, love, community.

36:00

growth, and contribution. So,

36:03

if she says,

36:06

why are you asking me this? Or she's giving

36:08

you kind of like the side eye, what you're

36:10

actually messing with her is that need for certainty.

36:13

So even though like the relationship, let's just say there's

36:15

not a whole lot of depth in your marriage right

36:17

now. Well, she's gotten quite used to

36:19

that. And she's certain of that now. So

36:22

as soon as we start to peel back the onion layers again,

36:24

and we start to actually try to get close again, that

36:27

messes with her need

36:29

for certainty. She's like, wait a second, we're

36:32

going into uncertain conversations here. Conversations we haven't had

36:34

in a while. I'm not exactly sure how they're

36:36

gonna turn out. I don't know why you're asking

36:38

me these. So that messes with

36:40

her psyche, right? It's no different than if your

36:42

grandmother, I want you to picture your grandmother, whether

36:44

she's alive or she's not with us anymore.

36:46

I want you to just picture your grandmother first.

36:49

I can just sweet little old grandmother, and

36:51

she comes up to you and she's like, hey, Larry, guess

36:54

what? I'm gonna run a

36:56

marathon and I start training tomorrow. And maybe she can,

36:58

poor woman can maybe barely walk up and down the

37:00

stairs, but she's gonna go train for a marathon. We

37:03

would think that grandma has lost her mind, right? We

37:05

wouldn't be like, grandma, that's so awesome. I'm so proud,

37:07

that's amazing. We'd be like, grandma, are you okay? Like,

37:10

what's wrong? Is everything okay? Well, that's

37:12

the same thing that's happening for our wives when we

37:14

do something different. They're like, well, what's wrong? Why are

37:16

you doing this? Why is this happening? So

37:20

just know that. Now, if she responds in that

37:22

way, here's what you do. Here's what you do.

37:25

You simply say, I know I haven't asked you

37:28

questions like this in a long time. I

37:30

know that. And maybe it's because

37:32

I just haven't really taken the time

37:35

or I lost the focus of why

37:37

conversations like this are important. And you

37:39

know what, that's on me. But at

37:41

the same time, I would still really

37:43

like to continually get to know you

37:46

over and over and over again. So with that

37:48

being said, what is

37:50

something that I currently do that makes you feel most

37:52

loved? Or whatever the question was.

37:56

It doesn't matter what it is. Just repeat it. So your first

37:58

step is to own it. The second

38:00

step is to repeat it. By

38:02

owning it and saying it out

38:04

loud, that's gonna make her feel safe. People

38:07

feel safe around people who are very

38:10

self-aware. People

38:12

feel safer around people who are self-aware. I want you

38:14

to think about Michael Scott for a second, from

38:17

the office. His employees don't

38:19

give him any credibility, they don't give him any respect,

38:21

and they sure don't quote unquote feel safe around him

38:23

because they know he's a loose cannon. They

38:26

know whatever he's saying, it's just off the

38:28

whim, and they're like, okay,

38:30

here's Michael Scott, being Michael Scott again, jeez,

38:32

and they have no credibility whatsoever. So

38:35

when we're self-aware, I want you to think about this, if Michael

38:37

Scott were to go into a meeting and be like, hey guys,

38:39

look, I've really

38:41

done some deep work here lately, and I

38:43

know I come across as a

38:45

complete moron, and I know it

38:47

probably doesn't even look like I know what I'm doing, and

38:49

you probably are even thinking, maybe I'm not even qualified to

38:51

do this job. Well, I realize

38:54

that, and that's a huge miss

38:56

on my part, and that's why I've decided to take

38:58

some leadership training, I'm learning some leadership

39:00

training, I'm gonna be different around here, and

39:02

I'm going to operate quite a bit different, and you

39:05

know what, all the past is on me. I

39:08

think it's safe to say that the staff,

39:11

and I'm sitting here thinking of stuff, like

39:13

Jim and Dwight and Pam, and they still

39:15

might be like, what? But at the same

39:17

time, you get what I'm saying, like when

39:19

people are more self-aware, and they say things

39:21

like this out loud, and they're

39:23

willing to make a change and do something different, well,

39:26

we can believe, we can buy in a little bit

39:28

more, because that person, not only is that person reflecting

39:30

back what the type of person they're gonna be, but

39:32

they're also very self-aware that they haven't been that person

39:34

for a while. So again,

39:37

this is what we teach all

39:39

day, every day, and we have three

39:41

more weeks of this

39:44

content in the Alliance, so

39:46

we're gonna not only help men with deeper conversations,

39:48

we're gonna help them take action in

39:51

several different areas of their marriage this

39:53

month in February. There's

39:55

even going to be an entire week

39:57

dedicated to giving her. and

40:00

you parameters around

40:02

having a deep conversation. We call

40:05

it the appreciative interview. It's insanely

40:07

fun. It's insanely fun, but

40:10

it's a way that we can really, really

40:12

dial in this connection. We're

40:14

gonna be talking about passion. We're gonna be talking about sex. We're

40:16

gonna be talking about elevating intimacy. The whole nine

40:19

yards. The recipe to make your marriage better. That's

40:21

what we're gonna be doing here in the month

40:23

of February. And like I said, you can join

40:25

us anytime in February. You'll still get all the

40:28

amazing content. Also, even if this

40:30

is past February, like I said, we have

40:32

five, four or five different. By the

40:34

time you listen to this, we'll have

40:36

five marriage calls per week in

40:39

the Data Edge Alliance. So you can

40:41

dive in anytime. No matter what we're

40:43

teaching, we have call teams dedicated specifically

40:45

for this. Gentlemen, I hope

40:47

this video training really helped you if you're watching

40:49

me on YouTube. If you're listening to this on

40:52

audio, hopefully you got the gems out of it.

40:54

But this is what our

40:58

relationships are all about. We don't wanna go in weaning

41:00

them. We don't wanna go in trying

41:02

to make them work and just following some

41:05

sort of blind blueprint. There is a

41:07

recipe for success. There is a recipe

41:09

to make things better. And

41:12

that recipe starts with us learning

41:14

skills. No different than martial arts.

41:16

No different than being a civil engineer or

41:18

a surgeon or an electrician or

41:21

a carpenter or whatever. We learn these

41:23

skills, we implement, and that's what makes

41:25

us better. Hopefully this was helpful.

41:27

Gentlemen, thank you so much for your time. Enjoy

41:29

the rest of your week. Love

41:32

ya, love ya, all right? And love

41:34

that wife of yours. Take care. ["Ave

41:38

Maria"]