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Welcome to the weekend edition of the Daily

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Dad podcast, where on the weekends, we do

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a deeper dive at how to get better

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at our most important job, being a parent.

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Sometimes in these episodes, I talk to

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best-selling authors and elite performers and other

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guests, but lately I've

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also been having conversations with my wife,

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Samantha, the co-parent of my two boys,

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and we

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do it over in the Daily Stoic studio

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here in Bastrop, Texas. And

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she and I talk about things that we're

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working on as parents, things that we're working

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on as people, and

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how we are supporting each

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other, challenging each other, and like

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I said, trying to get better at what we

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do. Guest or not, I hope you hear some

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ideas here that will help make you a better

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parent. I was better for having the conversation.

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I hope you enjoy. It's just starting to

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get warm here in Austin, and we were

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running around the pool, not ready to jump

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in, but we were playing near the pool

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and squirting each other with these squirt guns

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that my kids made in one of their

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Kiwi Kits. KiwiCo is this great program. They

1:06

deliver these kits every month, and their activities

1:08

you do with your kid, you have fun

1:10

not only making the thing, but then you

1:12

have fun because you got this cool toy

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around. We made a stomp rock at once.

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We have this bowling kit. We have

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these squirt guns we're using. It's just hard

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to find creative ways to keep your kids

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engaged and challenging off their screens, but KiwiCo

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does the legwork for you so you can

1:28

spend quality time tackling projects together, and there's

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1:50

Daily Dad. favorite

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people out to the

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painted porch. We did a little

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podcast, turns out he's from roughly

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where I'm from, Placer

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County in Northern California, right outside Sacramento.

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We grew up skiing and snowboarding in

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the exact same places. And I'm a

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long time fan of his writing, which

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we literally cannot keep in

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stock at the bookstore. Psychology of

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money, amazing book, sells like

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crazy. And so does same as ever.

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You can grab some signed copies. I think we still

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have some at the store. I'll link to those in

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today's show notes. But we had

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quite a bit of conversation

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in our longer two hour chat about

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parenting. And I wanted to bring you

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some of that best stuff about how

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to raise independent kids, that our job

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isn't to raise happy children. Our job

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is to raise well-adjusted

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children and

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how to respect their personalities,

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not just raise them to be one thing, not just

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raise them to be just like you. Morgan

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Housel, great conversation. You can go to

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his website, morganhousel.com, follow him on Twitter

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at Morgan Housel, and grab

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the psychology of money and same as

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ever from the Painted Porch or anywhere

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books are sold. I

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do think everybody is,

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um, is, is addicted to

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some thing that they're out of control of.

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I was just thinking so much,

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and I'm sure it's true for you and every

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parent. So much of my happiness is going to

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be tied to my children's happiness. If they're not

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happy, really hard for me to be happy. But

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what if my two children have that genetic cocktail

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that is going to lead them to misbehavior and

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they ended up getting arrested or whatever it might

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be. So therefore like I'm tying

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my happiness to something that's out of my control. And

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in a very similar way of just like, I'm just kind

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of crossing my fingers and hoping that this all

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works out. Yeah. There's a saying, you're only as

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happy as your unhappiest child. And,

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uh, and yeah, so, so to

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be, to have children is to

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fundamentally make yourself vulnerable

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to, uh, them

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and life. your heart's running around

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inside this other person. But you I think

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stoicism, I think also just healthy boundaries, you

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do have to cultivate the you know, you

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have to set you have to go, yes,

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I am inordinately attached and irrationally attached to

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this person. That's what having a kid is.

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We also have to cultivate this kind of

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you have to you have to go yes,

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but like, their

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job is not a reflection of me how

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they're doing in school is not a reflection

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of me as them being depressed. Obviously,

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you're going to feel that, right?

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Yeah, but it's not your job

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or your place or in

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your power to make them undepressed,

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nor did you make them depressed.

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Yeah, right. All you can do

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is be there and be

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of service to them. Yeah. But if you as

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a parent think that you have the ability to

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control your kids in terms of make them what

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you want them to be, or

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save them from the shittiness

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that is being a person. Yeah, you

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know, you're you've set yourself up either

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for unhappiness or or I

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think it's really hard to it evolves as a

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parent. So when you have an infant, you have

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a newborn, if that infant is hungry, that's the

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parents fault. And if your two

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year old has a dirty diaper, that's the parents fault. So

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you create this sense of everything

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about the child is relied on me,

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their happiness, their unhappiness. It's all about

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me, the parent. But then as that

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child grows, then you have to detach

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yourself from that. And if your 25 year

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old child is depressed, it might not be

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your fault whatsoever. But you still have that

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parental feeling of like everything that's going on

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in your life is a reflection of me,

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the parent, I think it's hard to evolve

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like that. Yeah, no. And that's like basic

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boundaries and codependents you have to learn as

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a person. And the tricky thing is, yeah,

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because humans develop

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a good chunk of our development

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is outside the womb, but we're

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still fundamentally dependent, developing

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like it,

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you know, or Organisms right like a

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horse that comes out and it can walk

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like 30 seconds later, right?

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But if for a kid that's like

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two years and and so, you know

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When when it when do they become

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the second person? Yeah, and I think

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you know If your idea is that

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that's 18 you done fucked

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up and you know what I mean? It's much

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earth. It's both earlier and later than you think

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this is probably why parenting a young teenager like

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12 to 14 It's probably so

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difficult because I think for a lot of people

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that's the clear transition from child to young

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adult Yeah, it's probably very hard for the

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parent to let go of the idea that

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I'm not responsible for your happiness anymore Yeah,

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yeah, and that and that actually I have

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to allow you to be unhappy. I have

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to allow you to fail I have to

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allow you to experience the consequences of your

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actions I have to allow you to feel

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and say things towards me that are I

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don't want to hear incredibly painful and hurtful

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and Yeah, if

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you if you can't do that, you are

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not only Her

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stuff you are You're

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just depriving them of the ability to do

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this and and you're not saving them from

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anything in fact, you're just setting them up

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for Intense

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pain and anguish later like doctor if you're

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a doctor Becky stuff. Sure this book good

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inside. She's incredible. She's saying Parents

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your job as a parent is not to

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preserve and protect your kids happiness.

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It's to give them resilience and

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the ability to regulate and Handle

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their own emotion. Yeah, and I know who they

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are Yes and so if if if

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No one's like no one looks back

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and goes my parents saved me from

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Heartbreak and pain and trouble and to

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self-discovery and all the all the painful

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things on life and I'm so grateful

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to them Yeah, right like it's the

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opposite You're gonna be 30 and be

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like why am I experiencing

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this horrible thing for the first time?

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Yeah, and and I don't it's like I

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in develop the immunity for it. You know,

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she even talks about this idea of emotional

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vaccination. You have to help them deal early

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on with the exposure to these things so

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then they can regulate and do it themselves.

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And so, yeah, your job, your

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job is not to raise happy children.

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Your job is to raise well-adjusted children.

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And you can use some version of

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that expression for pretty much everything that

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parents wrongly about. Your job is not

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to raise kids with good grades. It's

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to raise well-adjusted children. It's not to

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raise well-behaved children. It's to raise well-adjusted

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children. Like the whole point is to

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ideally raise a person who's well-adjusted,

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able to regulate their emotions, bounce

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back from failure, deal with things

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that are outside their control. It's

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just the whole suite of what

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allows humans to be human. So

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actually, you have a great line

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in your book. You talked about

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prediction versus preparedness. So if you think your

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job is to predict all the terrible things

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that could happen to a person in life

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and to shield your kid from them, you're

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missing the point. Prepare them for that anguish.

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Exactly. The other way I've heard this phrase

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is, your job as a parent is not to raise good kids. It's to

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raise good adults. Like that's the target.

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And you're gonna raise a good adult if as a

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child, that child can experience heart rate

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and failure, et cetera, et cetera. You've written

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the book. Well, no, no, when I sign

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copies of Daily Dad, because the subtitle is,

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366 Meditational and Parenting Love and Raising Great

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Kids, usually when I sign it, I'll grab

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it and I cross out kids. And I

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just write adults. Adults love it. Because you're

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not trying to raise a kid. Like if

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you do this for 18 years or 20 years or whatever, if

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there's still a kid, again, you're done fucked up. And everyone

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knows the 35 year old kid. Yes. And

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I think that can be a reflection on the parents. Like

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what the parents didn't let them experience.

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Yeah, you were supposed to raise a well

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adjusted adult. Yeah, not a kid. And

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age really after a certain point has

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nothing to do with it. do with whether someone

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is an adult or a kid, you

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know, a man or a woman or

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a child, right? Like it's,

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uh, it's, it's about the suite of skills

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that you have and how you see yourself

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and how you hold yourself. And that ultimately

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is what you're supposed to do as

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a parent. I also see some, you will, you will

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understand as every parent understand this. I have two

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kids raised by the same parents in the same household

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with the same rules, the same everything. And it could

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not be more different personalities are 20 miles apart. And

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then so you see so clearly like what is not in

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your control, what is nature nurture? They've been

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nurtured the exact same way and they are utterly

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different people. So then it's like,

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it's a humbling experience in a good way to

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realize like, what's not in my control. What is

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just the genetics suit that they were born with? Hey,

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you're listening to the daily

10:46

dad podcast, one meditation

10:48

a day inspired to help you do

10:51

your most important job, which is be

10:53

a great father. These

10:55

are meditations inspired by ancient

10:57

wisdom, psychological research,

11:00

and just great strategies from normal

11:02

dads just like you. Thanks

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for listening.