0:01

You're listening to Comedy Central January

0:06

twenties. From

0:10

Comedy Central's World News headquarters in

0:12

New York. This is the Daily Show with

0:14

River here. Welcome

0:31

to Jenny, everybody. Thank you so much

0:34

for tuning in, Thank you for coming out, Thank

0:36

you so much for coming out. Let's do

0:38

it, everybody, Let's make a show. I'm telling of our

0:41

Yes tonight is a comedian just out with

0:43

a new Amazon special. You know her from

0:45

Broad City. Elana Glazers joining us,

0:47

everybody. Also

0:51

on tonight's show, John Bolton

0:54

gets unfriended, Elizabeth

0:56

Warren lets the dogs out, and Donald

0:58

Trump is locking the dog to the country.

1:01

So let's catch up on today's headlines. Let's

1:07

kick it off with some international news

1:09

involving the British royal family.

1:12

Recently, Prince Andrew, the third

1:14

child of Queen Elizabeth, was forced to step

1:16

back from his royal duties after the public

1:18

learned about his suspicious friendship with

1:20

sex offender and suicide victim Jeffrey

1:23

Epstein. And now the

1:25

Prince's situation is getting even worse. Prince

1:28

Andrew is under a new fire here in the US.

1:30

An American prosecutor issuing the royal

1:33

a rare public scolding in the investigation

1:35

into his former friend, the late Jeffrey Epstein.

1:38

In an unusual move today, the U S attorney

1:40

called out the royal for refusing to answer

1:43

questions in their investigation of his former

1:45

friend. Would you be willing to

1:47

testify or give a statement under oath if

1:49

you were asked, well, I'm like everybody

1:51

else, I'm and

1:54

I would have to take all

1:56

the legal advice that

1:59

there was before I was to do

2:01

that sort of thing. But if

2:03

Bush came to shove and the league

2:06

the legal advice was to do so, then

2:09

I would be duty bound to do so. Okay.

2:12

I know his mouth said he's willing to cooperate,

2:15

but his head said no, like

2:17

three hundred times. And I'm

2:19

not a body language expert, but that dude's

2:21

head looks ready to plead guilty. I

2:26

gotta say, Prince Andrew is one shady

2:28

as prince. I mean even Nigerian

2:30

princess are looking at this guy like clearly he's

2:32

lying. Uh, you cannot

2:35

trust a single what he is saying.

2:37

Or my name isn't the Honorable Prince

2:40

Daniel Chuku routing number

2:42

A zero seven five four. It's

2:46

also crazy. It really is crazy to me that

2:48

Harry and Megan have to renounce their royal

2:51

titles just because they want to live in Canada and

2:53

work for a living. This guy is protecting

2:55

his pedophile friend and they're like, yeah, you

2:57

can stay a prince. Yeah. In fact, why why not

2:59

take her Rianne Megan's titles to long

3:01

live Prince Prince Andrew the Princess.

3:03

Yeah. I actually

3:06

wonder how father this will go because there's a big story, you

3:08

know, the FBI coming out saying like Andrew doesn't incoperate.

3:10

What's gonna happen? The U S Authority is gonna

3:12

gonna go to Buckingham Palace, is going to

3:14

be rated by the Navy seals. That could get

3:17

ugly, because you know, the Queen won't go

3:19

down without a fight. Meanwhile,

3:22

back in America, it's just one week until

3:25

the first voting in the Democratic primary takes

3:27

place in Iowa, which means Democrats

3:29

can't afford to be off the campaign trail

3:31

for even a minute. And now some

3:34

candidates are even bringing along their special friends.

3:36

Bernie had Alexandria Occasio Cortez

3:39

hold a rally for him, Pete Boude had

3:41

Mandy Moore introduced him, and Elizabeth

3:43

Warren flipped the script on everybody

3:46

Law. Senator Elizabeth Warren is a stunk

3:48

in DC for the trial. Her most

3:50

popular campaign partner, Bailey

3:52

Warren, is campaigning in Iowa.

3:55

Bailey delivered a speech addressing the ratio

3:57

of treats to belly, and he was joined

3:59

by Drake University's Griff the bulldog

4:02

for eighteen minutes of selfies. Okay,

4:05

I see how it is in America.

4:07

You send a dog to campaign for you. It's an

4:10

endurable story. But if Africans

4:12

elected a bush pig as mayor, people would call

4:14

us a weird continent. Seriously,

4:17

American politics is strange. You can just send a dog

4:20

to fill in for you to campaign reala and you're like, I'm

4:22

gonna say, you can't do this in any other job. They'll

4:25

never announce us. On a flight, ladies and gentlemen,

4:27

the pilot is sick, but he sent his dog, Captain

4:29

Snappy, to fly the plane. You

4:35

know what I worry about, though, is now

4:37

that Warren's dog is in the campaign. Soon

4:40

we could see other candidates going negative

4:42

on that dog. You'll just be ads

4:44

like Elizabeth Warren's dog says he's

4:46

a good boy, but he

4:48

has a record of peeing in the house, and

4:51

he's the father of twenty five legitimate

4:54

children. Like Bernie Sanders

4:56

and I have proved this message. And

4:59

finally, if you plan on taking a cruise soon,

5:01

you may want to think hard about what to pack. Carnival

5:04

Cruise Line is adding a new dress code, banning

5:06

clothing that other guests may find

5:08

offensive. The cruise lines new

5:10

rules, specifically bands, clothing and accessories

5:13

that has nudday, profanity, sexual

5:15

suggestions, ethnic or racial commentary,

5:17

and violence of any form. Some feel

5:19

that this broad policy is a rather slippery

5:22

slope for carnivals, saying there are some people

5:24

who find lots of things offensive. This

5:29

this makes no sense. How are you going to ban offensive

5:31

clothing from a cruise? I

5:34

mean, then you then you must just ban cruises because

5:37

all clothing on cruises is offensive.

5:39

The whole point of a cruise is that you can finally

5:42

wear that T shirt that makes you look like you're naked?

5:44

Right where else are you gonna wear that to

5:46

a job interview? Where do I

5:49

see myself in five years? Like guests? Also,

5:52

what do they mean no clothing with racial commentary?

5:55

So I can't wear my kill white people shirts of the

5:57

buffet anymore. My grandmother

5:59

got me that shirt. Okay, my

6:01

white grandmother for

6:04

real. Why why are we wasting time arguing

6:06

about dress codes on a cruise

6:09

You know we should be making We should be making cruise ship

6:11

rules that we actually need, Like I have a

6:13

few that are proposed. I think we need a rule about

6:15

how long people are allowed to wave when the ship is

6:17

leaving. Okay, five minutes tops.

6:19

You can't just stand there and wave for like an hour.

6:22

It's too long. People, Bye bye, bye,

6:24

b bye. The ship's not even moved by by

6:27

waving made sense when we didn't have phones.

6:29

You wave because you don't know if you'd ever see those people ever

6:31

again. By I hope the iceberg

6:34

doesn't kill you. By

6:36

by now it's like bye bye, and then you're

6:38

on the phone. Yeah, so are you're leaving. Let's face time

6:40

by by ship

6:42

never ends. Also, here's another rule

6:44

for cruise ships. People on a cruise ship can't

6:47

bring that cruise attitude into the city that they're

6:49

visiting, all right. That's what I like about airports.

6:51

When you land at an airport, they get you into the mood for

6:53

the city. If you land at LaGuardia, I don't care.

6:55

If you came from the Bahamas in ten minutes, you hate your

6:57

life and now you're for

7:00

New York. But

7:02

you don't get that prep time on a cruise No,

7:04

everyone gets off the cruise. They're only cruise mode and

7:06

they're walking off the ramp in the same mood running

7:08

around New York vacation. Now

7:11

you got these assholes running on forty two Street. I'm

7:14

trying to get to the goddamn train. And

7:17

also, cruise ships need to stop honking that huge horn

7:19

the whole city. Here's the thing, bab bab ball,

7:22

we see you. You're on a cruise ship. No

7:24

one is on the shore, like is that a cruise ship or

7:26

a bird? I don't. Let's

7:28

wife back and see if they wait five five.

7:32

All right, that's it for the headlines. Let's move on top top

7:34

story. Today

7:41

was the seventh day in the impeachment

7:43

trial of President Donald Jaffar

7:45

Trump, and the big news

7:48

is still the bombshell dropped by John Bolton,

7:50

former National security advisor and broke ass

7:52

monopoly man. You see in

7:54

his upcoming book, John Bolton claims that

7:56

President Trump did, in fact have a quid pro

7:59

quote with Ukraine where he's demanded

8:01

on Joe Biden and the side of fries. So

8:05

John Bolton has now thrown a wrench

8:07

into Trump's impeachment trial, which has

8:09

been a major topic of discussion amongst

8:11

Trump's most trusted advisors Fox News.

8:14

Now, what's interesting is that not too long

8:16

ago, John Bolton was clearly part

8:18

of the Fox family joining us now Fox

8:20

News contributor, former US Ambassador to the

8:22

UN John Bolton. Who better to bring in

8:24

the American enterprise and stude scolar Ambassador

8:27

John Bolton, Ambassador Bolton know is good to see you,

8:29

Ambassador. Goodmar into you, good evening, Ambassador

8:31

Marry Christmas. We love seeing you each and

8:33

every day. Ambassador John Boldon has being

8:35

walked to the studio about Steve Jason. I

8:41

want to see if in shame he's

8:43

watching bass. This

8:46

is what you think,

8:55

oh man, If Shakira's

8:58

hips don't lie, then those lips those

9:00

have some pathological liars, because look at

9:02

that. Look at that, and it looks like his

9:04

legs are fused directly to his shoulders.

9:07

It's like watching C three P or trying to work.

9:09

That's what that looks like, and

9:12

you can tell, you can tell how much people at

9:14

Fox cad for John Bolton. You know, he's

9:16

like the goofy uncle who just wants to have fun

9:18

and wipe I run off the planets. But

9:21

now that Bolton's allegations could hurt President

9:23

Trump, Fox News has made it very clear

9:25

that he is no longer invited to

9:27

the family cookouts. We heard from

9:30

other people closely tied to the White House.

9:32

He said, look, John Bolton is

9:34

simply trying to sell a book, and

9:37

that's why the timing is so delicious.

9:39

There is nothing Bolton adds to the

9:41

conversation that's for John Bolton. Well,

9:44

it's really disappointing if he ends up being

9:46

just another think tank type trying to cash in

9:48

at his time in the White House. The only reason anyone

9:50

cares about what Bolton has to say is

9:52

because he was Trump's National security adviser period.

9:58

Yeah, that's exactly why people want

10:00

to hear from him. Her tone

10:03

makes her sound right, but the words are completely

10:05

wrong. It's like somebody's

10:07

saying, the only reason anyone in the operating

10:09

room listens to you is because you're the head of surgery.

10:13

Yes, that's exactly it. But

10:16

it's clearly obvious Fox

10:19

is now done with Bolton because he went

10:21

against Donald Trump. And at Fox News

10:24

you can do a lot of things, but there's two things you

10:26

can never do. Criticize Trump or

10:28

have a regular sized neck. And

10:32

no one is as Butt hurt over Bolton's

10:34

betrayal as Lou Dobbs, Fox

10:36

Business host and guy who locks his car doors

10:38

when he hears black music on the radio. The

10:41

way he talks, it sounds like he's already impeached

10:44

Bolton from his friends list. John

10:46

Bolton himself has been reduced

10:49

to a tool for the radical Damns and the deep

10:51

State. He served as Romney's foreign

10:53

policy advisor during Romney's failed twelve

10:56

presidential run. Romney's long

10:58

had connections with four policy

11:00

rhinos, and they with him Bolton

11:03

one of them. See how it works? You

11:05

bet? Not so complicated?

11:08

Is it? Am?

11:11

I the only one who doesn't understand that? Shock?

11:15

Because according to Lou Dobbs, the

11:17

Vinmn brothers have no connection

11:20

to each other. How

11:24

does that work? But when they

11:26

were kids did they only communicate through Bolton?

11:29

This is like Mr Bolton tell my brother to give

11:31

my toy back. No, Mr Bolton tell him. I said,

11:34

he can only have it tomorrow. Both of you calmed

11:36

down. It's my toy and

11:39

it's ready said that. Lou Dobbs is so

11:42

anti Bolton now because until

11:44

a few months ago, till a few months

11:46

ago, it seemed like he was Bolton's number

11:48

one fan. I think anyone

11:51

who knows John Bolton is celebrating because

11:53

of his his intellect, his capacity,

11:56

his experience, his talent. John Bolton

11:58

has one bright, highly knowledge your poll

12:00

individual who has the interest

12:02

of this country and this president in mind

12:05

every step of the way. John Bolton

12:07

served this president well and we

12:09

thank him for his service. I don't think most people

12:11

realize what a respected figure

12:15

you are, a respected attorney, and

12:17

you know, we never talked about that. But anyway,

12:19

John Bolton and Fox News contributor,

12:22

a great American. Damn. One

12:25

minute, John Bolton is a great American and

12:27

the next he's a tool for the Deep States.

12:30

I haven't seen a flip like that since Bread. Think

12:34

about it, for all of history, for all of human

12:36

history, we were like bread is the life force

12:38

that has sustained human civilization for

12:40

thousands of years. Then all of a sudden,

12:43

five years ago, we were like you bread

12:46

sandwiches. Un let us now. But

12:50

Fox News has put out a clear

12:52

message every single one of Trump's

12:54

supporters it doesn't matter how much they

12:57

liked you before. If you talk smack,

12:59

they will turn on you faster than John Bolton

13:02

on a fitboard. We'll be right back,

13:16

Welcome back to the data show. You

13:18

know, it's easy to

13:20

forget that while impeachment is going on,

13:23

Donald Trump is still in office

13:25

pushing his agenda forward, and

13:27

you have to admit it's a kind of weird system. He's

13:29

being investigated for high crimes against

13:32

the country, but in the meantime, it's

13:34

just like, yeah, just keep doing your thing. It's all good.

13:36

I can imagine if other jobs work this way. It's

13:38

like, Bill, we're pretty sure that you've

13:40

been drinking and driving the school

13:43

bus. But until we figure it out, you just keep

13:45

popping those wheelies. Man. We'll we'll let

13:47

you know. So while the trial continues,

13:49

Trump is still doing president stuff,

13:52

and at the top of his to do list lately

13:54

is keeping people out of America. Starting

13:57

with supersizing the travel band, President

14:00

is planning to widen its controversial travel

14:02

band. The plan will prohibit nearly

14:04

all people from seven countries now.

14:07

The new restrictions are expected to be

14:09

announced on Monday. Our

14:11

country has to be safe, you see what's going

14:13

on in the world. Our country has

14:15

to be saved. So we have a very strong

14:17

travel ban, and we'll be adding a few countries

14:19

to it. Yes, Donald Trump is

14:21

expanding his infamous travel band, and

14:23

it looks like it's going to be six countries from

14:25

Africa and Asia and one from Europe,

14:27

just to throw people off the sense, you

14:30

know. Yeah, Trump's travel bands are like a

14:32

reverse Oscars, a bunch of brown nominees

14:34

and then one token white one thrown in for diversity.

14:37

It's like yeah, yeah, yeah, now, I know.

14:39

I know. Trump's State Department claims they're

14:41

doing this to keep America safe, but

14:43

it is starting to feel like Trump really just wants to

14:46

ban the entire world, but he's doing

14:48

it a few countries at a time just so he doesn't

14:50

look crazy. You know. It's almost the same way

14:52

like how I treat the dessert, the

14:54

dessert at a buffet. You know, yeah, I'll

14:56

just be like, yeah, I'll just have one of these, maybe

14:58

some of these. Yeah, I can see those cheesecake,

15:00

because cheesecake do chee I've got

15:02

to have the cheesecake. I'll come back. I want

15:04

to either way.

15:06

The trouble band is about to get even brought up.

15:09

But while Trump is trying to stop people from moving

15:11

here, he's also preventing them from

15:13

being born in America in the first place. The

15:15

Trump administration issued new rules today

15:18

and cracking down on so called birth

15:20

tourism, when women travel here

15:22

to give birth so their children will automatically

15:25

become US citizens. And it comes after

15:27

President Trump has railed against birthright

15:29

citizenship. You're a dictator who

15:32

we hate and who's against us,

15:35

and that dictator has

15:38

his wife have a baby on

15:41

Amerket soil. Congratulations,

15:44

your son or daughter is now an American

15:46

citizen. Does anybody think this makes

15:49

sense? Okay?

15:53

Why would it dictator one bit child to

15:56

be born as an American? What's the game plan? Or

15:59

just have the kid born here, become a U. S citizen

16:02

and then when the kid returns home, be like I

16:04

have an American hostage and I have some demands.

16:07

It's like, Dad, what are you doing? Shut up infidel

16:11

now now. Even though Trump's example is crazy,

16:14

he's not wrong about people abusing

16:16

birthright citizenship Every year thousands

16:18

of rich foreign women fly to America

16:20

just to give birth so the baby can be used

16:22

as US citizen and then they fly home. And if you

16:24

ask me, it's a good example of the Constitution being

16:26

behind the times because back then when

16:29

they came up with birthright citizenship,

16:31

no one was just flying in for the weekend. Yeah.

16:33

Back then, you were considered an explorer if

16:35

you went more than three towns over.

16:38

Yeah. People in New York were like, did you

16:40

hear James went to New Jersey and

16:42

he survived. So

16:45

I get I get wanting to limit

16:48

birth tourism, But the question is, how

16:51

is Homeland Security going to determine who's coming in

16:53

just to give birth? Because I could get pretty

16:55

awkward at the airport. The border agent is

16:57

just gonna be like, hey, no pregnant women allow,

17:00

Oh you're you're not pregnant. Okay, fine, you can

17:02

come in, but take a spin class

17:04

or summing come on. So

17:08

maybe curbing birth tourism isn't the craziest

17:10

idea. But Trump isn't just going

17:12

off the rich families. No, He's also targeting

17:14

the tired, huddled masses yearning to breathe

17:17

free. And the Trump administration has

17:19

scored a victory in its effort to place new

17:21

restrictions on legal immigration. The

17:23

Supreme Court has cleared the way for the government

17:25

to deny green cards to immigrants if

17:27

they sign up for public assistance like food

17:29

stamps or medicaid, or if they're considered

17:32

likely to apply for such assistance in the future.

17:35

Yeah. In other words, Trump wants to block

17:37

poor people from staying in America,

17:40

which explains the updated inscription on

17:42

the Statue of Liberty. Bitch, better have my money.

17:46

And honestly, this is it is

17:48

kind of depressing because coming

17:50

from nothing and building a life for yourself

17:52

is literally the American dream.

17:54

It's basically what the country was founded on.

17:56

Well, that and the freedom to get weird ass haircuts,

17:59

but that more spee and the

18:01

irony of this law is that Trump's own

18:03

mother arrived in America as a

18:05

poor immigrant with barely any money to

18:07

her name. So if these rules were

18:09

in place when she came over, she

18:12

probably wouldn't have been allowed

18:14

to stay. She would have been denied a visa and sent packing,

18:17

and then there would be no President Trump. So

18:20

I'm not saying the law is terrible. I'm just saying

18:23

it's about a hundred years too late. We'll be right

18:25

back. Welcome

18:39

back to the Data show, my guests. Tonight

18:41

co created and starred in the hit comedy

18:44

Central series Broad City, and now

18:46

has her first stand up special on Amazon

18:48

Prime called The Planet Is Burning.

18:51

Please welcome a lot of glaze up. Welcome

19:07

back, Welcome

19:09

back to the show. And congratulations

19:12

on this is your first comedy special.

19:14

Yes, yeah, it is my first. Congratulations

19:17

on that. Yes, the

19:22

title seems very real though. The Planet

19:24

is burning. Yeah, you

19:26

know, it is like my lens through

19:28

which I think things are funny, where

19:31

it's like the planet is burning

19:34

and we're not talking about it all the time. It's like

19:36

pathetically funny. But

19:39

also I thought if I was gonna have

19:41

billboards and repeat a phrase over and over

19:43

it, this is probably a worthwhile one. Well

19:45

that's interesting. Yeah, I like that.

19:48

Thinks it's like a title you can use. It's for you,

19:50

and then it's it's for the planets at the same time, precious

19:53

skytime, right, it's flee

19:55

it's free climate change advertising,

19:57

that's what. At the same time exactly like it's

19:59

not you'ven made Amazon page to advertise about

20:01

climate channel. I know, I

20:04

recognize irony for sure. That is that is that's pretty

20:06

amazing. Let's talk about the special as a whole. Though

20:09

you've you've done something different way. It's like you

20:11

haven't tried to mimic anyone stand up side,

20:13

it's very much you. It's very much your comedy and

20:15

just your vibe. When you went into it, were people

20:17

like, we want to see Alana from broad City? Or

20:19

were they like, no, we want to see like your your your

20:21

improv roots or your stand up roots. Were you worried about

20:24

what people wanted to see? I'm still worried, you

20:26

know what I mean. I'm like, who am I? You

20:28

know, I'm still totally

20:31

worried. But I

20:33

love stand up and it's such

20:35

a I mean, it's classic,

20:37

it's so it's the O g Art style.

20:39

It's comedy, um,

20:42

and it's just a different path. I guess

20:44

that I've had to be able to form my

20:46

character through Broad City, but

20:49

um, I don't know that. I'm

20:51

there was like one not I'm not one

20:53

to like search bad uh

20:56

reviews or whatever, but there's one review that was like

20:58

she's is she lot of Wexler or

21:01

is she a lot of Glazer? I'm like bitch. I

21:03

don't know, you know, like I'm

21:05

working it out too, So

21:07

I just you have

21:09

another show coming up called Horny

21:11

for the Polls. Yeah, and

21:14

Poles doesn't like voting polls. Not the polls not

21:17

no, no, no. I just want you to understand what because

21:19

like the words sound the same. I

21:22

am so Horny

21:24

for the Polls. You really are, though, like

21:27

like like people don't know this about

21:29

you, or people do know this about you, but you are.

21:32

You are not ashamed to be an activist at all,

21:34

Like you you don't hide that, you know, like

21:37

a lot of comedians will be like, oh, I keep my politics out

21:39

of my stand up, but you're like, no, I'm going to tell

21:41

you who I am, what I believe in politically, and I'm

21:43

gonna fight for that. Yeah. I mean like I don't really

21:46

I don't feel like I have a

21:48

choice, you know, like I'm just not that

21:51

person to be like this is this

21:53

is me and that you know, it's just kind of like all

21:55

flowing. So I don't. Um. That's like what

21:58

I have to offer is my perspective of although

22:00

it's fine if people don't want to talk about politics,

22:02

and they're probably I guess for publican if they

22:04

do if they don't want to. Um. But

22:07

yeah, I consider myself more an advocate.

22:09

I have a political organization Generator,

22:12

and I'm going on tour in March and

22:14

every city that I do stand up in

22:17

we're doing a voter empowerment dance party with

22:19

Generator. Are you and then like are they're gonna get like

22:21

registered to vote and anything? So at the

22:23

stand up shows, you're tricking people with like club,

22:25

that's that's what you're doing. That's that

22:28

is like one of that is one of the most gags of things I've

22:30

ever heard. Like that's like people are going to be in the club

22:33

and then the middle of the club, the lights come on. It's like a registered

22:35

to vote. You registered? Literally

22:37

it is so Dorothy, it's

22:40

um. You know, we're my co founder,

22:42

Glennys and I were nerds, were horning for

22:45

voting. Like we're just like this is who we

22:47

are. So we do we dance and we get down and

22:49

then every fifteen minutes, I'm like synagogue announcement,

22:52

but seriously, synagoue announcement. And then and

22:57

then we give information about upcoming

22:59

local elections in

23:01

the middle of the party. I mean, you

23:04

know, I love this idea. Yeah, I

23:06

think like I think DJ has every other things

23:08

to say. Personally, I mean, exactly,

23:12

how long have we been putting our hands in the air. How

23:14

long have we been waving them around like we just don't care? The

23:16

roof has been on fire. No one's gonna put that thing

23:18

out, you get what I'm saying. But now this, I

23:20

think all d j J all

23:23

DJs, they should follow your lead on this. Everyone

23:25

that should be like baby Ruggester, the vote

23:27

everybody. Yeah, that's right, get

23:29

on out there to Yeah.

23:32

I love it. I love it. I

23:34

hope everybody does it. I hope everybody watches

23:37

your comedy and enjoys both. Alana's doing

23:39

both things very funny. Thank you so much for being on. The show is

23:44

available on Amazon Prime, and her horning

23:46

for the polls Comedy Truck begins much

23:48

fall, a lot of grades. Everybody.

23:57

The Daily Show ears edition.

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