0:03

I guess you could say I met Charlie at work.

0:05

It was right before Christmas. And the

0:07

holidays are always bad for hospitals, but

0:11

hello everybody. For those of you that don't

0:13

know, I use Anchor by Spotify to

0:16

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to anchor dot f m to get started. And

0:38

with that said, enjoy the story.

0:42

That night, I swear the city had lost

0:44

its damn mind. Patients

0:46

were arriving faster than we could treat them,

0:49

traffic collisions, gunshots, with

0:51

salts, burn victims, and a

0:53

string of suicide attempts, of

0:55

which Charlie was the most memorable, with

0:58

skin covered in long inflamed cuts

1:00

like tiger stripes, blue lips,

1:02

and bright rope burns around her neck.

1:05

It was as if someone had tried to repurpose

1:07

a marble statue into a Halloween pinata.

1:10

The full extent of her injuries became clear

1:13

on the operating table. Without going

1:15

into detail, it was apparent that she

1:17

spent a lot of time hurting herself The

1:19

fresh wounds masked many scars

1:22

along with deeper, much older trauma.

1:25

Long story short, she made it.

1:27

I kept tabs on her over the next few days.

1:29

No one came to visit her in the ICU, not

1:32

family, not friends, no

1:34

significant other. I'll be honest,

1:37

I feel like I don't belong in nursing, not

1:39

because I'm bad at my job. If anything,

1:41

I'm closer to excellent than not. But

1:44

because my patients haunt me, the

1:46

ones who live, the ones who die,

1:48

even their families, they all stay

1:50

with me, no matter how hard I

1:52

tried to disconnect. Charlie

1:54

wasn't any different. If anything,

1:57

she preoccupied me more than usual.

1:59

The viciousness of her self mutilation, coupled

2:02

with the horror stories implied by her old

2:04

injuries, struck a deep chord, so

2:07

did her aloneness After

2:09

she'd been released from the ICU, I decided

2:11

to go see her. I went on my

2:13

next day off and had the foresight to bring

2:15

my gym bag along in case I needed an

2:17

used to duck out. I knocked

2:20

on the door frame. She looked at me listlessly.

2:22

The hallows under her eyes were as pronounced

2:24

as ever. And she had a very particular

2:27

look about her. Something that made

2:29

her seem simultaneously very old

2:31

and very young that I associate with

2:33

people that are waiting to die. I'm

2:36

a nurse here at the hospital. I said awkwardly.

2:39

I was at your surgery, the night you came in.

2:41

She gave a thin smile that didn't reach

2:43

her eyes. Thank you.

2:46

No need. I just wanted to see

2:49

I took a deep breath cursing myself from

2:51

my stupidity, to ask

2:53

how you're doing. Her face

2:55

did soften, certainly didn't become

2:58

but something

2:59

changed, a flicker of alertness,

3:01

a shadow of interest. About

3:03

as well as you'd expect. This

3:05

was a mistake I realized My

3:08

presence was pointless at best, detrimental

3:11

at worst, and probably violated hospital

3:13

policy to boot. I needed to

3:15

leave. I don't want to bother

3:17

you, but I'm glad you're here.

3:19

I mean, not here in the hospital,

3:22

but here. I could

3:24

hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth,

3:26

I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

3:29

I nervously swung my bag from one shoulder

3:32

to another but I lost my grip as it

3:34

slid to the floor, sending a cascade

3:36

of pens, receipts, and clothes

3:38

across the floor. I watched

3:40

with horror as an old perfume roller,

3:42

something that belonged to an ex, something

3:44

I'm not even supposed to bring into the hospital

3:47

skidded under her bed. I

3:49

dropped to my knees and hurriedly scooped

3:51

everything back into my back. Holy

3:53

shit, I was stupid. Not only

3:55

was this a ridiculous, potentially problematic

3:58

situation to initiate it was

4:00

unprofessional as hell, I

4:02

didn't notice that Charlie had gotten out of bed

4:04

until she was in front of me, dropping my

4:06

gym shorts back into my

4:08

bag. A ma'am, you need

4:10

to get back in bed. will.

4:12

She gave me a careful, appraising look.

4:15

What's your name? Atheo.

4:18

A ghost of a smile touched her mouth.

4:21

It still missed her eyes. Charlie.

4:24

I couldn't get out of there fast enough and

4:26

didn't visit her again. But

4:28

a few weeks later, I found a box

4:30

in my mail tray. I didn't

4:32

really think about it. It's not unusual

4:35

to receive things like flash drives and magnets

4:37

from pharmaceutical reps I

4:39

opened it up and, to my surprise, found

4:41

a perfume rollerball. I

4:44

thought it was the one I'd left in Charlie's room,

4:46

but no, While it was the

4:48

same scent, it was brand new bottle

4:50

wrapped around it was a note. Just

4:53

replacing what I stole, but we

4:55

can trade back if you like. Charlie,

4:58

underneath was a phone number. Even

5:00

though I knew better, I called her after

5:03

my shift. It was obvious from

5:05

the start that Charlie desperately needed

5:07

company. She had nobody, no

5:09

family, no friends, nobody

5:11

but me. It was difficult

5:13

to be with her. Charlie was

5:15

exceedingly frugal with her feelings and

5:17

her time. She tended to dip

5:20

into radio silence often for

5:22

days at a time before slipping back

5:24

into my life as though nothing had happened.

5:26

I wouldn't have put up with it from anyone else,

5:29

but Charlie wasn't like anyone

5:31

else. I did call her out

5:33

on it once, a full of righteous anger

5:35

and a solid measure of suspicion. Charlie's

5:38

response was a bleak uncertain smile

5:41

that was disarming in its openness. Charlie

5:44

was never open, She guarded

5:46

her feelings as though her life depended on

5:48

it, so that smile, that

5:50

sad, self loathing, brutally

5:52

honest smile disarmed me entirely.

5:55

I know it's wrong, but

5:58

sometimes I get tired of inflicting

6:00

myself on you.

6:02

I could almost understand, in

6:04

ways I couldn't quite identify, Charlie

6:07

was always on the precipice. She

6:09

needed so much, but I didn't know

6:11

how to ask. More than

6:13

once, I walked into her apartment and found

6:15

her curled on her bed crying. She

6:18

never told me what was wrong. Never

6:20

told me what she was feeling or thinking.

6:23

Sometimes, being with her felt

6:25

like being in a pitch black hanger The

6:27

door was there, and I knew the key was

6:29

somewhere nearby, but it was

6:32

so vast and so dark that there

6:34

was no chance of finding either. But

6:37

it wasn't always bad. She

6:39

liked to go places, restaurants,

6:41

national parks, beaches, amusement

6:44

parks, Her favorite place was

6:46

an isolated cliff bounded by

6:48

tall and rocky cliffs. On

6:50

these excursions, she seemed alive

6:52

I loved being with her on days like that.

6:55

More importantly, I felt comfortable

6:57

with her. I didn't feel like I'd known

6:59

her my entire life, in fact,

7:01

Most of the time, it seemed like I didn't

7:04

know her at all, but I sensed

7:06

that we fit together, that we

7:08

belonged. Sometimes, I

7:10

was positive she felt the same way.

7:13

She was often gentle and warm like

7:15

she was proud to be with me. Sometimes

7:17

she'd look at me. Really look at

7:19

me. Like she'd forgotten everything

7:22

else existed. At times

7:24

like this, she'd smile. And the

7:26

smile would always reach her eyes.

7:28

But just as often, it felt

7:30

like she was rebelling against that sense

7:32

of belonging. She was quiet

7:35

to the point of not communicating and

7:37

maddeningly distant, distant

7:39

enough in fact that I frequently contemplated

7:42

ending the relationship but I never

7:44

quite reached that point because Charlie

7:46

possessed an uncanny ability to close

7:48

that distance before I could pull the metaphorical

7:51

trigger. Like I said,

7:53

it was hard, but I loved

7:55

her and I wanted to be with her.

7:58

Even when things started to slide. Even

8:00

when she got increasingly distant and

8:02

when she began to grow cruel, I

8:04

told myself it was worth it. We

8:07

had our first real fight on our second and

8:09

versary. I don't remember what it

8:11

was about or who was at fault. I

8:13

only remember the cold, almost

8:15

inhuman contempt with which she regarded

8:18

me. I'd never in my life been looked

8:20

at the way she looked at me that night,

8:22

and it crushed me. So

8:24

I told her we were done, and tow her out of

8:26

there as fast as my car would take me.

8:29

I drove to the beach, huddling my

8:31

car in the farthest corner of the parking lot,

8:33

and cried over a girl for the first time in

8:35

my life. When I was done,

8:38

I leaned back and took a deep breath.

8:40

I let it out slowly in shifts.

8:42

I could train whistling. To

8:44

my surprise, I felt calm, smoothed,

8:48

relaxed, cleansed, Hell,

8:51

it felt good. That was

8:53

the worst part of it all, realizing

8:55

that I felt better with Charlie gone.

8:58

She didn't stay gone though. In fact,

9:00

she came over to see me just two nights later,

9:02

her eyes were wide and almost blank,

9:05

dull like, I let her in

9:07

because I loved her and then ordered a pizza.

9:10

We ate in silence on my patio as

9:12

the brilliant coppers and oranges of

9:14

sunset darkened to

9:15

evening. Finally, she

9:17

said. I'm so sorry.

9:20

I know, Charlie. She ran her hands

9:23

through her hair, it caught the dying

9:25

light and seemed to glow.

9:26

I know something's wrong with me. I

9:29

don't know how to fix it.

9:32

I don't even think it can't be fixed.

9:35

I waited silently, training my

9:37

eyes on the sky's last ribbons of color.

9:40

don't feel human anymore. Maybe

9:42

that's the problem. I'm

9:44

not supposed to be

9:45

human. I'm not supposed

9:47

to be here at all, and

9:50

I know it.

9:51

Her voice broke.

9:53

She'd be better off. And

9:55

she barely looked human in the falling

9:57

dark, impossibly wide eyed,

9:59

smooth skin like gold tinge porcelain,

10:02

hair shimmering in the fading light.

10:05

I shuddered and looked away. That's

10:07

nonsense. I expected her

10:09

to cry, but she didn't. She

10:11

folded her arms across her chest and

10:13

refused to look at me. So

10:15

instead, I look to her feeling

10:18

better and helpless and above all

10:20

guilty because I would be better

10:23

off without her The past two

10:25

days had been like a vacation. I'd

10:27

felt free and light like the

10:29

sun had finally risen after a long nightmare.

10:32

But at my own invitation, darkness

10:35

had fallen. My porcelain doll,

10:38

my marble statue, my endless

10:40

night sitting once again at

10:42

my right hand. We sat

10:44

in silence together for hours, Finally,

10:47

I took her to bed and did everything I

10:49

could to make her feel human again, but

10:52

nothing got better. It grew

10:54

worse by leaps and bounds. It

10:57

got to the point where Charlie expressed no

10:59

emotion whatsoever unless we were fighting.

11:02

She started picking fights every day.

11:04

She said the worst things imaginable. Sometimes

11:07

she'd simply leave afterwards and stay

11:09

away for days In a perverse

11:11

way, I looked forward to this. Not

11:14

because I didn't love her. I did

11:16

with everything in me, but because

11:18

I always felt better when she was gone.

11:21

But she never stayed gone long.

11:24

She'd come back and apologized saying

11:26

she didn't know why she did what she did

11:28

and I guess I even believed her for

11:30

a while. The atrocious self

11:32

harm she inflicted after every altercation

11:35

was convincing as were her tears

11:37

and her instinct to run away to

11:39

spare me. I wanted more

11:41

than anything for Charlie to have some measure

11:44

of peace. Maybe it was my

11:46

ego talking, but I felt like I

11:48

was the best chance she had at finding it.

11:51

After I made the mistake of telling her that,

11:53

Her desire to stop inflicting herself

11:55

on me abruptly mutated into constant

11:57

refusals to come home, endless

12:00

because I always went to find her for

12:02

fear that she would irrevocably harm herself.

12:05

Usually, she was curled up somewhere on

12:07

her apartment floor or in her bathtub

12:10

singing lullabies or whispering long

12:12

strings of nonsense.

12:14

Please god. Watch

12:17

the bee. The crowd

12:19

sings angels wings,

12:22

apple green faith. Size

12:26

of a mustard seed. God

12:29

pleases. Please,

12:31

god. Watch

12:33

the beads.

12:35

Always, she was crying. And

12:38

when the nonsense prayers ran out,

12:40

she finally speak to me. Just

12:42

leave. She'd say.

12:44

Go. Stop trying to

12:46

help me. Just go

12:48

alright. This isn't going to

12:50

work. It was never going to work. It

12:52

won't work because I'm not human

12:54

anymore. I want you

12:56

to hurt. I can hate you

12:58

to hurt. I remember

13:01

our last fight with perfect clarity. For

13:03

once, I started it. I

13:05

laid down an ultimatum, get help,

13:08

real help, medication and therapy,

13:11

and every type of psychiatric treatment

13:13

available to her or leave for

13:15

good.

13:15

They can't help me. Don't

13:18

you understand?

13:19

Understand what?

13:20

I want you to hurt. You

13:24

I want you to hurt, and

13:26

nothing will change it, nothing

13:28

will help.

13:30

Everything is done, everything is finished.

13:32

Something has to change, Charlie.

13:34

It can't. It's done. I'm

13:36

done. Then so am I?

13:39

Tear, stung my eyes. I glared

13:41

at her and prayed they wouldn't fall. I

13:43

can't do this anymore. She

13:45

smirked miserably as tears streamed down

13:47

her

13:48

face.

13:48

What can't do? The

13:51

She wiped her face.

13:52

What can't you do?

13:54

Times stood still for a terrible instant.

13:57

Words vomited their way at my throat.

13:59

Crashed into each other and jammed. There

14:02

were too many. I was choking on what

14:04

I wanted to say, what I needed to

14:06

say, and what I shouldn't say.

14:09

Charlie's awful smile slid into a

14:11

frown. Time snapped back into

14:13

place and somewhere inside me, a dam

14:15

broke I can't deal with you. I

14:17

can't spend my life trying to fix you when you

14:19

won't even try to fix yourself. You don't

14:22

talk to me. I don't know anything about

14:24

you. You won't tell me what you are or

14:26

why you are what you are. You're stealing

14:28

my time, Charlie, and sometimes I

14:31

think it's not because you need it but

14:33

just because you can. She

14:36

just stared at me, smooth, skin,

14:38

and palate like a porcelain doll,

14:40

a marble statue, utterly

14:43

inhuman. Then she

14:45

marched out and slammed the door with such force

14:47

as my walls rattled. My neighbor's

14:49

front door creaked open. What would

14:51

they think when they saw Charlie, I wondered,

14:54

would she look like a sculpture to them? Like

14:56

something that wasn't even human anymore? Or

14:59

would they see her as she really was? A

15:01

person who'd been in too much pain

15:03

for too long to even dream that

15:05

a life with less pain was possible, I

15:08

sat alone crying as the night

15:10

darkened and the moon rose. My

15:13

sorrow was bitter and painful, borne

15:15

mostly of guilt, But when I finished,

15:18

I felt clean and empty again.

15:21

I was at peace. I was alright.

15:23

I was free. As it turned

15:26

out, I really was better off without

15:28

Charlie. I could breathe,

15:30

I could think, and I could move, It

15:32

was as if someone had excised an

15:35

anvil from my guts or cut

15:37

ropes that had been slowly crushing me

15:39

like constrictors do with rats. Something

15:42

inside me, something that had been

15:44

trapped and was free. But

15:46

freedom is lonely and loneliness

15:48

is bitter. It took a week

15:50

for me to start missing her and another

15:53

week for that sense of loss to grow intolerable,

15:55

even painful, One

15:57

morning, I woke up, clear headed,

16:00

and determined, I needed to talk

16:02

to Charlie, I needed to see her,

16:04

needed to apologize, needed to

16:06

assure her that I would always be there for

16:08

her. I went into work,

16:10

feeling refreshed and excited. was

16:12

ready for this, ready to be whatever she

16:15

needed to be for good this time.

16:17

When I arrived at the nurses' station, I

16:19

saw something unexpected in the mail tray,

16:22

A small white box, a

16:24

sense of foreboding swept over me.

16:27

I tore it open, inside was

16:29

a cheap wristwatch, Behind it

16:31

was a note in Charlie's handwriting, just

16:34

replacing what I stole. The

16:36

following shift was the longest of my

16:38

life, When it was finally over,

16:40

I sped over to her apartment. She

16:43

didn't come to the door when I rang the bell,

16:45

so I called her phone It went straight

16:47

to voice mail. I called again and

16:49

again and again. Fearing

16:51

the worst, I kept banging at the door,

16:53

I hadn't realized just how much noise

16:56

was making until the cops arrived. I

16:58

was frantic. I explained who I

17:00

was and why I was there. That Charlie

17:02

struggled with suicidal ideation, but

17:05

I'd broken up with her recently and was afraid

17:07

she'd harmed herself and begged the officer

17:09

for a welfare check right now. The

17:12

police obliged, but Charlie wasn't in

17:14

her apartment. Her car wasn't in the

17:16

garage either. The cop told

17:18

me she'd probably taken a vacation, gone away

17:20

to clear her head, I asked

17:22

for them to call her work, but it was closed for

17:24

the day. The cops said they'd

17:26

give it a try in the morning, but in the meantime,

17:29

not to stress out. She's fine.

17:31

They said, she's fine. I

17:34

didn't buy it, so I got in my car

17:36

and drove to her favorite beach. It

17:39

was a cloudy, windy night that threatened

17:41

rain. The parking lot was empty

17:43

except for one distressingly familiar

17:45

car, Charlie's car.

17:48

I peered through the driver window. She

17:50

wasn't inside, but her phone was in

17:52

the cup holder. More frightened than

17:54

I'd ever been in my life, I ran up

17:56

the beach to the cliffs Wind

17:58

rushed at me, stinging my eyes and whipping

18:00

my face raw. The cold was brutal,

18:03

but I didn't slow down or turn back

18:05

didn't even so much as think as I barreled

18:07

up the narrow trail to the top of the bluffs,

18:10

scanning the murky landscape. I

18:12

had no idea what I was looking for, but

18:14

I told myself I'd know it when I saw it,

18:17

and I did. Something flooded

18:19

in my periphery. I turned

18:21

as a figure emerging from the shadows

18:24

wind whipped hair, bright eyes,

18:26

red coat flapping in the wind, but

18:29

it wasn't Charlie, just a big

18:31

jagged rock perched on the edge of the cliff.

18:33

Tangled around it was her red coat.

18:36

I drew closer. Each step seemed

18:38

impossibly slow and heavy, but

18:40

everything around me was clear and sharp.

18:43

I saw it all, the grass, the

18:45

vines, the rocks, the cliffs, the

18:47

coat, even her sunglasses wedged

18:50

into a crevice in the rock printering

18:52

in the moonlight like eyes. I

18:54

approached the edge of the cliff and looked down.

18:57

There was nothing. Nothing but a

18:59

sheer drop and crashing surf far

19:01

far below. I called the

19:03

police again. They took me seriously

19:05

this time, but didn't let me stay. When

19:08

I resisted, they threatened to arrest me,

19:10

so I left, screaming and cursing

19:12

all the way home, where I threw everything

19:15

I could pick up at the walls destroying everything

19:17

in the process. Then, sore,

19:20

crying, and nearly delirious, I

19:22

drank myself to sleep. I had

19:24

a nightmare about Charlie. She was

19:26

a child, but I recognized her

19:28

clear, wide eyes, and a wild

19:30

tangle of sunrise colored hair.

19:33

She huddled in a dark corner in an even

19:35

darker house, sobbing over her

19:37

cupped hands. I approached

19:40

timidly, sensing that something was

19:42

terribly wrong. I peered

19:44

into her hands and saw a scattering

19:46

of bloody teeth gleaming faintly.

19:49

She looked up at me. I jumped back,

19:51

startled. Her eye was black

19:53

and swollen. She released a heart

19:55

wrenching sob and I saw that front

19:57

teeth were gone. I woke

20:00

up nauseous, remembering the particular

20:02

habit of charlie's I'd never really considered

20:04

before, the way she always reached

20:06

up and covered her mouth whenever she smiled,

20:09

A week passed, Charlie remained

20:11

missing. I couldn't work,

20:14

couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and

20:16

after few days couldn't even drink.

20:19

I existed in a twilight haze

20:21

of pain, guilt, and slow panic.

20:23

So when I started seeing things, I

20:25

wasn't entirely surprised. At

20:28

first, it was a toddler Charlie sitting

20:30

in a filthy crib in the middle of my living

20:32

room. Then six year old, Charlie,

20:35

hands cupping her broken front teeth and

20:37

crying in the corner of my bedroom. A

20:40

little, Charlie standing before a locked wardrobe

20:42

and whispering to the doors.

20:44

She always knocked so softly in whisper.

20:47

Paul?

20:48

Teenage Charlie, covering her bloody

20:51

face with a towel. Charlie

20:53

at nineteen or so sobbing so hard

20:55

she was hiccups as she turned a pistol

20:57

to and fro in the lamplight, Charlie,

21:00

as I'd known her, curled up in bed,

21:02

screaming into her pillow, as a boyish

21:04

corpse watched over her. You'll

21:06

feel better. He soothed. You'll

21:09

be better after you hurt. I

21:11

came too in the middle of this vision and

21:13

shot up with a yell and covered my

21:15

eyes When I opened them again,

21:17

Charlie was still there crying and

21:19

bleeding beside me. Overjoyed

21:21

that she'd come back, I got back onto the

21:23

bed and laid down beside her. She

21:26

didn't seem to see or hear me,

21:28

but that wasn't unusual for her.

21:30

Sometimes all she saw was her pain,

21:33

but I could see her. Feel her,

21:35

touch her. I reached out and

21:37

stroked her hair. Suddenly she

21:40

looked up, terrified eyes, fixed

21:42

on a point over my shoulder and screamed.

21:44

I whirled around and saw a tall woman

21:47

with long dark hair and darker eyes,

21:50

I turned back to Charlie, but she was gone.

21:52

Every hair on my body stood up,

21:54

I closed my eyes, forced myself

21:57

to count to ten, and slowly turned around

21:59

again. The woman was still

22:01

there, deathly pale, a

22:03

marbled palate of cadaver white

22:05

and pure darkness Her mouth was

22:07

enormous. So huge it

22:09

distorted her face, looking at it, made

22:11

my mind twist and pull, She's

22:14

better when she hurts. The

22:17

woman hissed. I shut my eyes

22:19

and counted to ten. When I opened them,

22:21

she was gone. Hard as

22:23

it is to describe what it's like to fall

22:25

in love. It's impossible to explain

22:27

what it feels like to lose your mind. I

22:30

didn't see Charlie all the time, but

22:32

I saw her everywhere. My

22:34

apartment, my job, the store,

22:36

and the street It didn't matter where

22:38

I went. Eventually, she'd show up.

22:41

As sick as it is, these manifestations eventually

22:44

became a sort of comfort. A

22:46

night she lay on my bed or on my floor,

22:49

I could sleep beside her. She

22:51

was often broken or bleeding or

22:53

limping but it was her. It

22:55

was Charlie. And even if she

22:57

couldn't feel or see me, I felt

22:59

like I was keeping my promise. I

23:02

was there for her. But

23:04

as days turned into weeks, these phenomena

23:06

grew increasingly bizarre and disturbing,

23:09

I came to believe that these hallucinations or

23:12

visions weren't the product of my insanity

23:14

or even communications from beyond the

23:16

grave They were hauntings, and

23:19

it wasn't Charlie haunting me. I

23:22

became more and more convinced that whatever had

23:24

driven her to suicide whatever had

23:26

tortured her, whatever had broken her,

23:29

whatever had haunted her, was now

23:31

haunting me. And god

23:33

in heaven, it was horrific. I

23:36

only ever saw it Charlie when she was hurt.

23:38

Sometimes she was just a toddler. Other

23:41

times, I was painfully sure she was crying

23:43

after one of our fights. She was

23:45

often alone, but just as often

23:47

with a tormentor. The black

23:49

eyed woman with the distorted mouth was

23:52

the most frequent apparition. Sometimes

23:54

she looked normal, hard eyed

23:56

and bitter, but human. Other

23:59

times, she looked like a demon. A

24:01

marbled mosaic of corrupted light

24:03

and shadow with black eyes that somehow

24:05

burned. Her awful mouth was

24:07

constantly in motion stretching and

24:10

pulling and grinning, hitching itself

24:12

up as if to keep it from sliding off her

24:14

face. I saw her wrench

24:16

Charlie's teeth out with pliers watched

24:18

her beat her, slap her, burn her,

24:21

break her bones. When she

24:23

looked normal, she didn't notice me any more

24:25

than Charlie did, but when she was her

24:27

monster form, She seemed aware of

24:29

me, and she always said the same

24:31

thing. She's better

24:33

when she hurts. Charlie's

24:36

father appeared less frequently. Like

24:38

the mother, he sometimes looked normal.

24:40

Slim and mean looking with a pointed

24:43

chin and blank eyes. Sometimes

24:45

he looked like a monster, twisted

24:47

and rotting with bulbous eyes sprouting

24:50

all over his separating skin. Charlie's

24:53

parents were painfully easy to identify

24:55

for what they were, monsters in

24:57

human skin, horrific as

24:59

hell, yet in their way, mundane

25:01

is mud. One thing I didn't

25:03

understand was the child Charlie's

25:05

obsession with wardrobe. These

25:08

were the least violent of the visions. In

25:10

fact, sometimes they weren't violent

25:12

at all. Charlie would go to the

25:14

wardrobe, knock nervously on the door,

25:17

and speak to somebody named Paul

25:19

who never answered But these

25:21

eye and the storm episodes were few and

25:23

far between. The huntings

25:25

didn't stop, but I stopped paying attention.

25:28

A huge part of me, the part stripped

25:30

raw by Charlie's pain began

25:32

to scar over to become callous.

25:35

After a while, I was able to eat

25:38

to bathe, to sleep, even

25:40

work through the Tableau of Charlie's suffering.

25:43

It's disturbing how easily I was able

25:45

to ignore the things I was seeing, the

25:47

horrors she'd gone through. I

25:49

didn't like not caring. I didn't

25:51

like feeling the catalyst spread over my

25:54

heart. I wanted to care. I

25:56

wanted to feel the outrage before

25:58

the pain as acutely as I had

26:00

those first weeks, but I

26:02

couldn't. I was too exhausted

26:05

to try. As though sensing

26:07

my growing discontent, the phenomena

26:09

changed abruptly. For a

26:11

while, they became almost pleasant. Charlie

26:14

and a slightly older boy with red hair

26:16

playing games, telling secrets, cuddling,

26:19

and makeshift forts. Charlie

26:22

spoke, but he didn't. I

26:24

didn't think much of it. Maybe he

26:26

was mute or maybe the hauntings were

26:28

finally losing their power. I

26:30

should have known better. One

26:32

morning, I woke up early to the sounds

26:34

of children giggling quietly. I

26:36

looked up and saw Charlie dancing in the

26:38

sunlight while whispering a nonsensical little

26:41

song.

26:42

Watch the beads, the grossings, angel

26:45

wings, apple green.

26:47

Fate the size of a mustard seed.

26:51

As her brother performed a clumsy exaggerated

26:54

waltz, he swept by

26:56

and pulled her into his arms. No.

26:58

He whispered like this. 121,

27:03

too. Charlie tripped over her

27:05

feet and began to giggle hysterically. He

27:07

tried to frown, but her glee was infectious.

27:10

Soon, they both covered their mouths with

27:12

their hands and were straining with the effort

27:15

of keeping their mirth under control. I

27:17

watched, smiling, as spurts of

27:19

laughter erupted from behind their hands.

27:22

Then shadows in one corner arrived

27:25

and darkened Then the mother materialized,

27:27

marbled shadow shining black

27:29

eyes, hideous mouth. She

27:32

grabbed the boy by the hair and wrenched him

27:34

back, He shrieked. She shrieked

27:36

back, calling him a vicious stream of

27:38

the foulest names. Then she swung

27:41

him around and hunched low, hiding him

27:43

with her body. He whimpered and whacked.

27:46

And after a moment, he screamed,

27:48

the longest, ugliest, most

27:50

heart wrenching scream I'd ever heard.

27:53

I shot out of bed and launched myself to

27:55

her, but it was no good. It was like

27:57

hitting a stone wall. She spun

27:59

around and threw the boy against the wardrobe

28:01

His head hit the edge with a loud sickening

28:03

crack and he crumpled to the floor. Blood

28:06

streamed from a deep gash in his head and

28:09

flooded from his mouth he was still

28:11

alive, breathing shallowly. As

28:13

I watched, his eyes rolled up into

28:15

his head. Charlie's hands were

28:17

still clasped over her mouth She shook

28:20

wildly. Wide eyes were fixed

28:22

on her brother. She watched

28:24

mutely as her mother shoved the boy into

28:26

wardrobe

28:27

It's better that he hurts now.

28:29

Her mother said, reasonably no

28:31

longer looking like a monster.

28:33

Hirding is what makes you remember.

28:35

She patted Charlie's shoulder affectionately.

28:38

It's why you don't scream anymore. Then

28:41

she stopped away melting into the

28:43

shadows. Charlie watched

28:45

her go without a word. For the

28:47

next week, I saw her everywhere. Tear

28:50

streaming down her face as the rotted

28:52

remnants of her brother flayed her skin

28:54

to ribbons. Sometimes

28:56

she whimpered. Occasionally, she screamed,

28:58

but mostly, she lay passive.

29:01

Biting her lips so hard, they bled

29:03

as tears streamed silently down her

29:05

face. It'll be better soon,

29:07

Charlie. Paul always whispered,

29:10

It's always better after you hurt.

29:12

There was something different about these incidents.

29:15

Her brother often flickered in and out of

29:17

reality, like a bad TV signal,

29:19

sometimes changing shape. More

29:22

than once, I found myself looking

29:24

not at the boy, but at the twisted,

29:26

distorted form of Charlie's mother,

29:28

Sometimes the boy would flick out of existence

29:31

entirely and I would see only Charlie

29:33

harming herself while her mother chortled

29:35

from the shadows. The torture

29:37

at her brother's hand persisted all around

29:39

me every day, at home

29:42

on the streets in the car Even

29:44

in the OR where I do my best to ignore

29:46

young Paul performing his awful surgeries,

29:49

even as I assisted the doctors with theirs,

29:52

At first, I thought I'd go mad from the unrelenting

29:54

horror of what Charlie had been through, but

29:57

once again, the torment reached an

29:59

unsustainable level and eventually killed

30:01

part of me. The shock faded

30:04

and so did my empathy. Before

30:06

long, that was calloused over too.

30:09

Life didn't go back to normal, but

30:11

it got to the point where I could pretend it

30:13

had because none of it affected

30:15

me anymore. I could see it,

30:17

walk right past it, sit by it,

30:20

even lay by it now. I was

30:22

so damned up with scars that I could go

30:24

on with my life as if none of it had ever

30:26

happened, and that was alright. It

30:28

was better that way. The thing

30:30

about dams is they eventually break.

30:33

Mine broke at work. The

30:36

haunting around me that day was of Charlie

30:38

and her big brother playing tag,

30:40

hide and seek, and a particularly weird

30:43

permutation of duck duck goose.

30:45

Halfway into my shift, I hurried into

30:47

the cafeteria The moment I entered,

30:49

I noticed the wardrobe, the

30:51

wardrobe in which Paul's mother had impaired

30:53

him sitting in the middle as though it had

30:56

always been there, The hair

30:58

at the back of my neck rose. I

31:00

turned around. Sure enough, it

31:02

was Charlie, maybe nine years old,

31:04

bounding into the room, She darted

31:07

past me and knelt down in front of the wardrobe,

31:09

then clasped her hands and began to

31:11

pray. I glanced around carefully.

31:14

No one was paying attention, so though I warily

31:16

approached. About halfway

31:18

across the room, the stench hit me

31:21

thick and heavy, a corrupted

31:23

sweetness that crawled up my nose and down

31:25

my throat, I could hear Charlie

31:27

now.

31:28

Please, god. Watch the beans,

31:31

the crow sings, Angel

31:33

wings, apple, green, faith,

31:35

the size of a mustard seed. God,

31:38

please make him alive. Please I

31:41

love him so much. But he's

31:44

breaking back. I know you

31:46

can do it. Know when

31:48

I open the wardrobe, he'll be alright.

31:51

I have faith. I know he'll be alright.

31:54

I know you'll bring him back.

31:57

I love you Hey, man.

32:00

Charlie stepped up and took a deep breath.

32:02

Tias continued to stream down her face

32:05

She closed her eyes, reached for the wardrobe,

32:08

and pulled the doors open. The

32:13

stench erupted like a jack in the box from

32:15

hell. A figure tumbled out knocking

32:17

Charlie over. It was a horror show,

32:20

a swollen face, bulging eyes,

32:22

stiff limbs, bloated torso, identifiable

32:25

only by the long tangled red hair.

32:28

Charlie kicked as she scrambled backwards, inadvertently

32:31

popping the distended gut like a balloon,

32:34

she screamed and so did I. I

32:39

wound up sedated and admitted to my own

32:41

hospital. I had terrible

32:43

dreams while I was under, scraps

32:45

of hauntings of Charlie of

32:47

her poor brother, Paul, she's

32:50

better when she hurts. I thought feverishly.

32:53

She's better when it hurts. And

32:55

somewhere in the haze of drug suppressed

32:58

hysteria, I had an epiphany.

33:00

When I got home, teenage Charlie

33:02

was waiting for me. My living

33:04

room was a nightmare. She sat rocking

33:07

in the middle of it, punched over, and weeping

33:09

a lullaby to a tiny bundle in her

33:11

arms. It was an abomination.

33:13

Her mother's bored voice sounded from the

33:16

corner. I looked up, startled,

33:18

the woman leaned against the

33:20

wall, arms closed,

33:21

If you just done it yourself, I

33:23

wouldn't have had to. Tear screamed

33:26

down Charlie's face. Her whispers

33:28

grew more desperate as they grew louder.

33:30

Only it wasn't a

33:31

lullaby. It was her prayer.

33:34

Please come. Watch

33:36

the beads, the crowsey ink

33:39

your wings and purple green face,

33:42

the size of a mustard seed. God,

33:46

please.

33:48

I came closer. It was like the night

33:50

I'd found her co on the bluffs. Every

33:53

step was heavy and slow. Every

33:55

detail sharp and bright and stark,

33:58

clearer than ever at the very moment I

34:00

wanted to be blind. My

34:02

legs gave out I tried to look away

34:04

but couldn't.

34:06

Why didn't you tell me? I

34:08

whispered, Charlie continued to cry,

34:10

watch the beads, the closings,

34:14

angel wings have a great faith,

34:17

the size for mustard seed. Why?

34:20

Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't

34:22

you let me help you? You wanted

34:24

me to know he must have because

34:26

you're showing me now But why

34:28

didn't you tell me when I could have helped you?

34:31

Why didn't you tell me? I lunged for her

34:33

intending to do I don't know what,

34:35

grab her grab the baby or simply

34:38

hold them. Hold them until my heart

34:40

turned entirely to stone and I wouldn't

34:42

have to think of them or feel for them ever

34:44

again, but my arms closed

34:46

on nothing. She was gone.

34:49

I slid to the floor and lay a banner curled

34:51

up on myself. After a

34:53

while, I saw the dead boy, Paul,

34:56

with his blood matted red hair and

34:58

gaping hole of the mouth, he slithered

35:00

forward and hunkered in front of me.

35:02

If feels better after you hurt.

35:05

He rasped. His ragged stump

35:07

of a tongue shifted in the cavern of his

35:09

mouth. Always I

35:12

stood up and stumbled to the kitchen. I

35:14

grabbed the first thing I found, a paring

35:16

knife, and just stood there, holding

35:18

it for what felt like a long time, Then

35:21

I folded my other hand over the blade

35:23

and cut. I hurt myself

35:26

until dawn mimicking what I'd seen.

35:28

Tiger rips and ladders, burns

35:31

and bruises and blackened eyes, I

35:33

hurt because I wanted to be better. Around

35:36

ten in the morning, I heard a knock on the door.

35:39

I lurched to it, ignoring the pain

35:41

that nod at every part of my body and

35:43

opened the door crack. It

35:46

was Charlie. Charlie

35:48

more beautiful than she'd ever been waiting

35:50

for me to let her in. I

35:52

threw open the door, she looked at me uncertainly,

35:55

eyes widening she took in my injuries,

35:58

distress played across her face, but

36:00

she didn't cry. And why would

36:02

she? She hurt so much

36:04

worse than me. I ushered her

36:06

in. She immediately guided me to the

36:08

bathroom, sat me down in the tub, and

36:11

climbed in. Then she bathed

36:13

me with great care. Every

36:15

gesture, every touch, was exceedingly

36:17

gentle. Then she helped

36:19

me out and took me to bed. Between

36:22

relief and exhaustion and blood loss,

36:24

I was already mostly asleep, but

36:26

I noticed something that troubled me deeply.

36:29

When she first came in, she'd been lovely,

36:32

healthy and glowing with gold tinged

36:34

porcelain skin, bright eyes,

36:36

golden sunrise hair, but now

36:38

she looked withered, pale, dull,

36:41

and gaunt like she'd been sick for

36:43

weeks. My mind tried to

36:45

put pieces together, but before I could finish.

36:47

I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

36:50

When I awoke, Charlie was sleeping.

36:53

I just looked at her basking in her

36:55

presence until my wonderment over her

36:58

return gave way to concern. Needing

37:00

to talk to her to know where she'd been,

37:03

I stroked her shoulder, then nudged

37:05

her, then shook her,

37:07

but she didn't wake up. I

37:09

rolled her over, horrified disbelief,

37:12

avalanche down on me, She looked

37:14

dead, papery skin, sunken

37:17

eyes, cadavers skull, prominent

37:19

ribs and bones as if she'd lost

37:21

half her body weight in the span of hours,

37:24

I looked up helpless and panicked stricken

37:26

and saw a dark presence lurking in the

37:28

corner. Gleaming black eyes,

37:31

a gaping hole of a mouth recessed

37:33

in an Ashen face, and

37:35

somehow I knew what I had to do.

37:38

I went into the kitchen, found my

37:40

knife, and reopened the wound in my left

37:42

palm. When I returned to the bedroom,

37:45

Charlie was sitting up, She

37:47

still looked terribly ill, but she

37:49

looked twenty pounds heavier and there was

37:51

a hint of color in her

37:52

face.

37:52

Don't do this. Doesn't

37:55

get better.

37:57

How do you know? Blood

37:59

trickled from my hand and dripped onto the

38:01

rug. Because

38:02

I tried.

38:03

She straightened up. You

38:04

saw my brother, Paul.

38:06

I didn't answer. I tried.

38:10

Again, and again, I tried. And

38:12

that's all I got. A rotting

38:15

shadow. It's not enough

38:17

to hurt theo.

38:19

It's never enough just to hurt.

38:22

I loved her more than anything. I

38:24

loved her in spite of herself. I

38:26

loved her so much. I nearly killed myself

38:29

to give her another life. So

38:31

I went to bed and sat down beside her.

38:34

She watched me distrustfully as I raised

38:36

my bleeding palm to her mouth. Her

38:38

face twisted, but she drank. Charlie

38:42

lived on pain. I had to hurt

38:44

myself constantly If I didn't,

38:46

she'd sicken him wither. Two

38:49

days without a fresh injury was enough to

38:51

starve her into unconsciousness. So

38:53

I became my own torture. Knives,

38:56

needles, rope, rocks, pliers,

38:58

matches and so much more. If

39:01

it could inflict an injury, I used it.

39:03

The only concession I made was to limit

39:05

the injuries to sites that could be hidden under

39:07

clothes, After all, I couldn't

39:10

go on supporting Charlie unless I went back

39:12

to work. She protested at

39:14

first. She wet. She screamed.

39:16

She fought. But In the end,

39:19

she always relented. And

39:21

after a while, she changed. I'd

39:24

always found Charlie beautiful, but

39:26

this was different. This

39:28

was so much more. She

39:30

became beyond beautiful, smooth,

39:33

and bright, firm, and limeless,

39:35

absolutely transcendently lovely.

39:38

No one could quite believe that she'd come back to

39:40

life. It felt like a miracle to them,

39:43

so they flocked to her. Her coworkers

39:45

my coworkers, my family and friends,

39:48

everyone wanted to know her, everyone

39:50

wanted to be her. And Charlie,

39:53

My weird, quiet, anxious, Charlie,

39:56

who was so shy she could barely speak

39:58

to people she knew blossomed. It

40:01

was like a switch had flipped, She

40:03

suddenly loved everyone and as a

40:05

result, everyone loved her. It

40:07

hurt me deeply, not because she

40:09

was happy. All I wanted was for

40:12

her to have a life that gave her joy, a

40:14

life where she didn't have to hurt. But

40:17

because this wasn't Charlie, or

40:20

at least it wasn't the Charlie I fell in love

40:22

with, but that was for the

40:24

best. The Charlie I loved

40:26

had been in too much pain to live She

40:28

had once told me that she wasn't supposed to

40:31

be alive, but that was only

40:33

partly true. She wasn't supposed

40:35

to live as she used to. This

40:37

was how she was supposed to be, wildly

40:40

beautiful and irresistible in every

40:42

way. It wasn't my Charlie,

40:45

but My Charlie didn't exist anymore.

40:48

She didn't have to because she was

40:50

better. I continued to

40:52

hurt myself It got to the point where

40:54

she wept every night under my self

40:56

mutilation. You can't do

40:58

this. I told

41:00

you. Pain is not

41:02

enough.

41:03

But I'd look at her all bright

41:05

and beautiful and healthy and tell

41:07

her for me it is.

41:10

He'll be so much better without me.

41:12

This was true, but not enough to

41:14

stop me. This went on for

41:16

months. I became an expert at hiding

41:18

my injuries from my friends, or family,

41:21

patients, and colleagues from everyone

41:23

except Charlie. To my relief,

41:26

she finally stopped complaining. She

41:28

even started to help me because

41:30

she wanted to take responsibility, I guess.

41:33

And because it made it so much easier for

41:35

me, not having to do, not having

41:37

to look. But mostly, I

41:40

think because we discovered that the

41:42

more directly she participated the

41:44

longer her rejuvenation lasted. Sometimes,

41:47

especially at night with her beside me,

41:50

the insanity of it all would overtake me.

41:52

And I'd finally admit to myself that I couldn't

41:54

live this way for another year, let alone

41:56

fifty. But then I'd look at Charlie,

41:59

inhumanly beautiful Charlie, sleeping

42:02

peacefully for the first time since I'd known

42:04

her, and that had to be enough.

42:07

One day, it really was enough.

42:10

I'd hurt myself to the point where I could no longer

42:12

work, hit her to walk, to

42:14

sit, to lie down, even with sedatives,

42:17

my sleep was thin and restless and

42:19

full of pain. Charlie barely

42:21

noticed she was so happy, so

42:24

content that I'd become a bit of an afterthought

42:27

something for her to take care of when she came

42:29

home at night. I'd been thinking

42:31

about it for days. It's always better

42:33

after you hurt. She's better

42:35

when she hurts. It isn't

42:37

enough. No amount of pain is

42:40

ever enough. Pain sustained

42:42

her.pieces of me converted to

42:44

pain for her to thrive upon. Question

42:47

was, did this make me a golden

42:49

goose? Was I only worth something

42:51

as long as I still had a pound of flesh

42:53

to give? Or was there a more

42:55

permanent solution? I didn't

42:58

want to live like this in perpetual agony,

43:00

but I didn't want Charlie to die.

43:03

So what if I died? Pain

43:06

wasn't enough, but what about death?

43:09

One morning, I woke up realized

43:11

I hadn't seen Charlie in two days.

43:13

My heart twinged and resentment flared

43:15

briefly, but then it faded, replaced

43:18

with dark resolve, I

43:20

got up, wincing, and hissing, and

43:22

pain. I found Charlie's painkillers,

43:25

the ones she gave me whenever I'd let her.

43:28

And I took them all one

43:30

by one until I passed out. The

43:32

bottle was the last thing I saw, inoculous

43:35

and orange with a half peeled label,

43:38

and then I was gone. Somewhere

43:41

in the haze, I was dimly aware of

43:43

movement, of voices, of

43:45

Charlie's cries of tubes

43:47

shoved roughly down my throat of

43:49

horrific pain, then it was

43:51

dark again, dark and warm,

43:53

but I wasn't alone.

43:56

Charlie was with me in the darkness.

43:58

He'll be better soon. I

44:00

promise. When I came

44:02

to my parents were in my room, which

44:04

turned out to be in the nearest hospital. They

44:07

tried to be happy. They smiled. They

44:10

gave hugs. They rejoiced, but there

44:12

were shadows behind the smiles and their

44:14

eyes. Darkness, cold,

44:16

and hopeless. I knew before

44:19

they said a word. Car accident.

44:22

My mother sobbed.

44:24

I'm so sorry, honey. I

44:26

couldn't even breathe. I wasn't good enough

44:28

or strong enough. I love

44:31

Charlie enough to bring her back to life but

44:33

not enough to keep her alive. Because

44:35

in the end, at my core, I

44:37

wanted to get better. Hours

44:40

turned into days, which turned into weeks,

44:42

which bled into long, bleak months,

44:45

The worst thing about it is, without

44:47

her, I got better. I

44:50

can breathe again. I can move. I'm

44:52

free, but freedom eventually

44:54

becomes loneliness, and loneliness

44:57

is bitter. I'm better, but

45:00

being better isn't enough. It's

45:03

not even close to enough.