0:01

Silicon points are made for toys.

0:03

Look at somebody sent in a gigantic

0:06

bag of warheads I'm

0:08

real sick bastard Warheads,

0:11

I don't know who these are supposed to be for maybe half you

0:14

half Vito

0:16

I'll give you and Vito each one

0:18

warhead for every time you do a good

0:20

show I'm

0:22

gonna get a treasure box like at the dentist's office.

0:24

You guys can pick out a warhead after

0:27

each episode. I

0:29

Only pick green And

0:32

we have a separate box for Sean only warheads

0:35

to see if Vito will throw a fit about yes You

0:37

having all the green ones? Yes. Yes

0:40

Put these over here. Are these gonna be distracting if I leave

0:43

them out? For you. I'm

0:45

sorry. What? Yeah Lord

0:48

Miles is is calling

0:50

in. I believe a woman fucked up

0:53

his time zone on his appointment

0:55

calendar Last week I double-checked

0:57

I said, hey buddy, make sure we just did that Stupid

1:01

time change thing that there's no reason to do

1:03

that We're gonna do when we die because

1:05

we're not gonna ever fix anything, right?

1:08

Just letting you know that that happened last night. So

1:13

Everyone's getting woken up by their dogs. Do I get a

1:15

link to the show as a patron? You got to be at the $20 level

1:18

buddy to get a link to the show.

1:20

Not some crummy

1:21

not your crummy level Not your Ungratitude

1:26

and insolence you give

1:28

me a hat you free. Give me handouts

1:30

zoomer you in gratitude

1:32

full person gratitude full person How

1:36

do you know he's not at the because I can tell by

1:38

his color Oh, I can tell by the color of his username

1:41

doesn't have a link. That is not a giveaway.

1:43

Actually, it's not no really No

1:45

nine times out of ten. Yeah

1:48

It's cuz they're retarded. Oh

1:50

Check your email. You know what? Funny

1:53

you said check your email. I went ahead and did it

1:55

and there was okay Not

1:59

hung over at all I got that extra do we get an extra hour

2:01

today or do we lose one? No, we got one The

2:03

next one is the bad one. The next one's a bad one.

2:05

Yeah Where

2:08

are you where it turns 2 o'clock

2:11

except for it turns 3 o'clock You know

2:13

we do we do the whenever it is we lose

2:15

an hour and we lose we

2:17

just our minds lose the The 1%

2:21

the fattest people we lose toss them all into a volcano.

2:23

Yeah, the deal Yeah, let's keep doing it, but

2:26

let's get rid of the 1% the bottom 1% Everyone's

2:29

worried about the top 1% Yeah, but we

2:31

really should be worried about the bottom what the bottom 1% fattest

2:34

people the bottom 1% most

2:38

most Stubbornest women get

2:40

rid of them and the bottom 1% bad

2:43

drivers. Yeah I know I

2:45

like this shred their licenses you

2:48

got to look at the extremes, you know Yes

2:50

chances are the extremes are causing some problems

2:53

and we got to make those extremes bigger

2:55

every day Okay, it's everyone except

2:58

us and by us I mean me and you the listener

3:00

Yeah, not the other listeners just you

3:02

just you just you the one that's right sitting right now

3:04

last man on earth Some fat

3:07

bitch on the internet called me a Jew hater I said

3:09

I don't think you're allowed to call me that really you

3:12

are the widest You are you look

3:14

like the fucking Michelin man Fuck the state puff

3:16

marshmallow man and put put Chris Farley's

3:18

wig from the gap girl sketch on you can't call him

3:20

You can't use the phrase Jew hater.

3:23

She just call you a Nazi. What do you yeah? Yes,

3:26

you think that they because they blew that one

3:28

out cuz that's fine right now They can't

3:30

use that anymore. They can't they fucking blew it out. So

3:32

now they're you mean like it has no meaning anymore Yeah,

3:34

yeah, I can use it up. So now they gotta

3:37

go to Jew hater Like I mean,

3:39

I'm sure you are not allowed to call me that

3:41

I don't know I mean you got

3:43

something in your mouth. I could hear it through your typing

3:46

Maybe you mumbled your words a little bit, but I don't think

3:48

that's appropriate. I Know

3:50

what I know what I can't say. I wouldn't come within 10

3:52

feet of saying that Yeah, I

3:54

know you can't say it you fucking realtor

3:57

hmm by the way realtor realtor you

3:59

look You got the body type of a realtor.

4:02

I got bad news for you. You look like a realtor I

4:04

can smell your realtoriness coming through this.

4:06

Yeah, and smell like scum Like

4:09

scum put you on a train Okay,

4:14

I just met a regular train but you'll only fit

4:16

in a cattle car Doors Harris

4:18

ranch you're talking about right? That's yeah.

4:21

Yeah

4:22

No, we're gonna get

4:23

Let

4:26

me find this fat bitch that called me a fucking

4:29

hater of a certain persuasion They're

4:32

getting angry man. Yeah, people

4:34

are ripping down their signs Missing

4:36

kid. Look at this. Julie Guntlach

4:39

called me a fucking she's like Guntlach.

4:41

Yeah, isn't that her name? It's much

4:44

funnier than her name. What's it? Oh Gun

4:47

lock unlock. Oh, it's a very

4:49

odd name, but I like gun lock lock

4:53

She

4:55

hosts a radio show in

4:57

between courses News

5:02

talk a radio show

5:07

Boy that's they're storming the White House somebody

5:09

was yeah, I don't know why or what

5:11

who they were but I'm on their side, huh? Just

5:14

kidding. That'll get you thrown in jail. Yeah,

5:16

you could probably can't go well

5:18

for you Can you believe this woman speaking

5:21

to me in such a way I

5:24

would drive around you and slap you yeah, and yeah

5:29

Couldn't say it's my face too fat too far away.

5:32

She called you a Called

5:34

you a Jew hater. They wouldn't

5:36

let her in California. What did you say? Yeah,

5:39

what did you say? I'm

5:47

trying to talk my friend out Reverend

5:49

Scott he's telling me names for this new dog.

5:52

This family's got you gotta listen to these

5:54

names Here here here.

5:56

He's making a big mistake. Yeah. He said

5:58

here's the names that the women want Biscuit pretzel

6:01

peanut or nugget I said buddy you're setting

6:03

yourself up for fifth every time

6:05

you talk was think about the dog These women are gonna think

6:07

of food They're

6:10

all food They

6:12

are probably hungry. So there's looking at the

6:14

little dog. I'm gonna eat this. I'm gonna eat this dog

6:16

I think it pretzel something

6:18

or nuggets nuggets. No,

6:20

what's the other one the third one? Uh, uh,

6:23

look at pretzel. Peanut. Peanut's still

6:25

a food. I'm considering. No it is.

6:27

I don't wanna have to be thinking about fucking food

6:30

all day I mean nugget people don't

6:32

think gold when they think you're nugget. They're big

6:34

and chicken. They're right Uh-huh, and

6:36

I just want to say they are a white family in case

6:38

somebody accuses me of being racist there. Yeah Don't

6:44

let your white don't let your family name a dog

6:47

food. No, they're gonna be thinking they'll

6:49

wake up Oh look, it's little

6:52

breakfast. Oh, you know that I'm gonna

6:54

get breakfast. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's little

6:56

bagel Oh McGriddles. Come here. Oh

6:58

McGriddles Disaster is

7:00

yeah, none of those the answer

7:02

is none of those I stepped on a scale today Uh-huh

7:05

said to there's a worst thing that ever happened

7:07

to me. This is the worst thing that happened to me this week Wow,

7:10

I stepped on a scale. Maybe the worst thing ever happened

7:12

to me Jesus I stepped on a scale today

7:14

because now I got scales following

7:16

me around because Vito's doing his way in on the

7:19

biggest Problem shouldn't he just

7:21

quit while he's behind? I Thought

7:24

the same thing. I mean it's it clearly

7:26

come it went He

7:28

didn't he actually gained

7:30

weight at the weigh-in right one of them. Yeah,

7:32

okay Well at the actual at the

7:34

live show where was he gained? He was

7:36

at 301 Oh, what did he start

7:39

the very first very first over 310 point

7:41

six? Okay, so he lost like one

7:43

for he lost nine pounds Overall

7:45

right four months and he had two months

7:47

remaining. Yeah Should

7:50

have done better than that He

7:52

should have done much better than that a grade.

7:55

That's I mean I second I can't

7:57

say fail because he actually did

7:59

go the right way way but

8:01

it's a D and not

8:03

anywhere close to a C. He's

8:08

a D to a D- minus. Incomplete.

8:10

I give you an incomplete. You squeaked by,

8:12

but you should be embarrassed as we all are. Technically

8:21

you passed, but that's it. Well you didn't

8:23

pass because you're supposed to lose 30 pounds. No,

8:26

true. If a thousand dollars or else I

8:28

give the thousand dollars to Hamas, that

8:31

was the deal. Even

8:33

knowing that all this was on the line, he still

8:35

chose to fuck around, drink Mountain

8:38

Dew, be on Twitter, not take his medicine,

8:41

not take his medicine, celebrities are

8:43

using and they all look like busted up catcher's

8:46

mitts that got left outside with some pubic

8:48

hair stapled to the top. Right? Is that

8:50

what they look like? They do look like that. Um, so

8:52

he, I said, he came

8:55

in and said, well we gotta

8:57

do away in today. I said, buddy, just, you

8:59

know, give up. I don't, well you

9:01

don't have to put yourself through that kind of humiliation

9:03

just for the entertainment of people. Yeah. I

9:05

would never do that to you. Right. I wasn't

9:07

going to bring it up. He says, no, no,

9:09

no, we got to do it. It's time. So we do it. And

9:12

he, uh, he got down to 293.

9:14

Wow. He's within 13 pounds of hitting

9:19

the goal. He has one month to lose 13

9:22

pounds, which he could definitely do. Yeah. But

9:26

just judging by somebody could do another

9:28

person could do. Yeah. Because

9:31

it's taken him. I mean he, he's

9:33

just as likely to go back up the

9:35

other way. Maybe I should

9:37

try feeding gorging him every week. I

9:39

mean that could, you know, could be a photo

9:42

finish, but you know, I was just, uh,

9:45

he could have made another metaphor, please.

9:47

It's going to be a close one. I don't want a picture

9:49

of that. He's going to have to strip down here

9:51

on himself naked to hit

9:53

that way in. Right. Yeah. He can't leave anything

9:56

to chance. Right. He has to evacuate his bowels.

9:58

Yep. He's got to be doing. Whatever

10:00

cleaner outer the whole day. Oh fighters have

10:03

done it. You've got to put on a trash bag

10:05

and bike for oh, yeah 15 minutes

10:08

so I have to sweat it out I

10:12

mean you've got to do like stuff that will just

10:14

about get a heart attack. Yeah. Oh,

10:17

that would be funny Oh, he weighed in at

10:19

the hospital after having a heart attack. Yeah,

10:22

yeah, go ahead. Just I lost weight. You know I

10:24

lost weight weight Heart

10:27

attacks. Yeah, never mind

10:29

fuck Wasn't worth and

10:32

then he still weighs in at one pound over

10:34

right now I'm over God that

10:36

would be that would be the greatest resolution

10:38

of this please Jesus, please

10:41

and he still miss me Fuck

10:45

around and find out Yeah,

10:46

right

10:47

fuck around and find out seeing that that's the

10:49

new rally and cry for well fat

10:52

Americans with type 2 diabetes Anytime

10:54

anything bad happens to anybody fuck

10:56

around for don't Fucking

11:00

heart disease going bro. Yeah fuck around

11:02

find out Palestinian

11:04

kid throws a rock at an IDS checkpoint.

11:06

They shoot him fuck around find

11:08

out Okay, man. Is that

11:11

yeah? I know I know you say that from the comfort

11:13

of your fucking lays You're crooked lazy

11:15

boy. Yes, you got 600 pounds leaning

11:17

on it one way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

11:20

Hmm

11:21

put that on that's the new American flag fuck

11:24

around upon this is a big fat guy Really

11:28

new no yeah, it's

11:30

not new So I got

11:33

on a scale yeah, there's a lot of right

11:35

right right lark. Yeah, and it says 203 You've

11:41

been you've been heavier than that

11:44

I said 203 yeah, this is oh

11:47

I grabbed clean under I

11:49

grabbed some underwear on the laundry machine. Oh

11:51

my happens 203. Yeah mercy

11:55

mercy oh Honey,

11:58

honey, you're doing

11:59

I'm never gonna believe this! I could

12:02

be in the hundreds again!

12:05

Do you want to know what this means? I just thought you weighed

12:07

more. And I was like, pshhh, I was like

12:10

dreaming of me, you know,

12:13

rock having like, at a yacht party

12:15

or something, boom, having an open shirt

12:17

and not touching my stomach, see how fat I ... you

12:20

can't look down, but you can be like, alright, I

12:22

gotta suck that in a little bit more! I

12:27

said this time's gonna

12:29

be different! I just gotta stop drinking for

12:32

a couple days, this time it's gonna be different!

12:34

I'll get under that 200, I'll have a 1 there,

12:37

everything's gonna be different for me. Everything's gonna

12:39

be different for me! Done

12:41

with this, I can believe this horrible

12:44

life! Go relive my 20s at 190 pounds

12:46

again! Yeah,

12:50

right. Incredible! Honey, you're

12:52

never gonna believe pack your bags! You got 3 more

12:54

pounds, 4 more pounds and then you're

12:57

outta here! She goes out of the scale, and she

13:00

says, yeah, it's been giving me fucked up numbers, I

13:02

think Vito's been messing with it. No! Shut

13:05

up, you bitch! What? Is

13:07

it a digital scale? A digital scale. Yeah. So

13:09

then I moved it around, I got back on, it's

13:12

like, 2.11. Really?

13:14

And you think that's the accurate? Yeah,

13:17

I did it about 100 more times after that. Oh,

13:22

come on man! Open

13:26

up, dude! Fuck it! Fuck

13:28

it! Cause you're not in the two O's! I'm

13:33

not losing 12 pounds, put a gun

13:35

to my head, I'm not losing 12 fucking pounds. Not

13:38

even for a thousand bucks? Before Thanksgiving?

13:40

Absolutely. I thought I was gonna go into Thanksgiving!

13:43

What's the point? I'm gonna eat this food, I'm 198

13:46

pounds. So

13:48

no stopping me. I don't

13:50

eat this shit, that's for you. Fucking fat pigs. Alright,

13:52

here we go. Resenting!

14:00

Yeah, yeah. Do you ever

14:02

happen to you with a video game? No. Yeah. Yeah.

14:05

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

14:13

Oh, come on, Dick. You want to eat it? You need to get a look at

14:15

your bed. Show it in the contest. Give me your live from Mt. Bunkers. Even

14:17

the hardest city video. I'm your hosting master. Give me

14:19

the $20 million man. Bring me always's world touring

14:22

LA-based Canadian. World famous. Shawn,

14:24

the audio engineer. Hello, Dick. Man,

14:27

I got so many fights brewing. You do your ranch?

14:29

Yeah, fights going every which way. I'm fighting

14:31

the guy. Remember that guy that said pronouns?

14:34

Because they put a pronouns in his video games

14:36

and he had a little shit fit crying about it. Yeah. Pro-nouns?

14:39

Yeah. Yeah. That goes to back there, too. He

14:41

like King Hippo? Oh. Oh. Oh.

14:43

Pro-nouns. Pro-nouns.

14:46

I'm fighting with him now. You're fighting with him?

14:49

I'm fighting with him. I'm fighting with everybody. I

14:51

figured you would have- You're all trapped in here with me

14:53

now. I'm a dick. I'm a dick.

14:56

I figured you'd have a common ground with him. Crying about pronouns?

14:58

I don't even fuck about pronouns. I use pronouns all

15:00

the fucking time. He's queer. How

15:03

am I gonna call somebody with that- I don't

15:05

even need pronouns. They're essential to my daily

15:07

routine. Okay. You're

15:09

fighting with him now. I'm fighting with everybody. Wow.

15:13

How many fights you got going on? I don't even know what pronouns they're all. I'm fighting

15:15

a five front war. I actually like

15:17

them. Because it's hard for stupid people to keep

15:19

track of stuff. So the more things you have

15:21

to keep track of in a conversation,

15:25

the more easily you'll be fuddled

15:27

up and excused from the conversation.

15:29

Oh, okay. So you try to hammer people

15:31

with as many threads and stories so they start

15:34

fumbling and shorting out- Yeah, well, yeah.

15:37

I mean, that's a tried and true argument

15:39

technique is just keep distracting. Pronouns.

15:43

You know, I just talk about pronouns. It's

15:45

actually Mrs. Potato Head. Shut up,

15:47

you fat bitch. As

15:50

opposed to what? Another- In Zimzur,

15:52

whatever fucking pronouns. Is

15:54

there Miss- Miss Potato Head? Well, you gotta call

15:56

them methods, right? I guess. How's

15:59

that different? potato head that's

16:01

wow you got a fat wife don't call my

16:03

wife fat oh that's okay so

16:05

she is and I guess no one's fat ever

16:07

don't call her my wife yeah right

16:11

oh can you believe they had to call them she

16:14

or he or something oh yeah what

16:16

about your fat wife how dare you don't

16:18

call my wife Pat okay I can't I

16:22

can't believe there's you're so offended

16:24

by something well it's just it it's funny

16:26

just because like I

16:29

can get offended by a lot of stuff

16:31

but pronouns are not one of them yeah

16:33

like that just it just doesn't it don't I like it it's

16:37

really like a girl or something that's the problem

16:39

I don't know maybe maybe so but it

16:42

doesn't like none of that has ever really

16:44

stuck in my craw in a way there that

16:47

makes me fuck up like I'm

16:49

fine doesn't doesn't impact my thinking

16:52

or life anyway paper

16:54

for me one I don't think I'm giving

16:56

away my identity by calling

16:59

somebody what they want to be called it

17:01

just I really honestly do not

17:03

think it affects me in the slightest

17:06

that's the least that's the least that's

17:09

the least part of the that's

17:11

the least most painful part of this conversation okay

17:13

okay okay yeah let's just

17:15

get through it and we can go back to being

17:18

alone yeah without dealing with each other

17:21

if you don't mind he's fighting

17:23

with me

17:25

some other guys fighting with me too yeah

17:28

we got a new bonus episode out where Maddox

17:31

we finally found out why Maddox didn't get asked

17:34

back to that YouTube did

17:36

we we did so Maddox

17:38

said that Justin Maddox gave a speech

17:41

at a media

17:44

and culture and he was on a panel

17:46

marketing panel and

17:50

then Justin Wang posted that

17:52

he was on it and then Maddox said that

17:54

because Justin Wang did that he didn't

17:56

get asked back to do the panel that

17:58

may not be true That may not be the reason

18:01

why. It may not be. It

18:03

could, we found the panel

18:05

and watched it on the bonus episode at

18:07

patreon.com slash The Dick Show. And it could

18:10

possibly be the reason why Maddox didn't

18:12

get asked back. It could, might

18:14

possibly be that he opened

18:16

the panel by talking about

18:19

the YouTube shooter and

18:21

that he wasn't being monetized for his

18:23

coverage of the YouTube shooter and that CNN

18:26

was and that it wasn't fair. I

18:28

still think it was probably Justin

18:30

Wang. I

18:32

don't know that that was enough to

18:35

turn people off to insight. You

18:37

think they got any emails after that guy that looked

18:40

like a terrorist talking about YouTube. That

18:42

was a really weird way to start the panel

18:44

off. I don't know if you guys should do that next

18:46

time. It was pretty stunning

18:49

the way he said it. He, yeah,

18:52

he.

18:53

He's a master of the segue though. Oh

18:56

boy. Yeah. If

18:58

you were charged, if you were charged with doing

19:00

a seminar and you had to work that

19:02

in to your speech, do

19:06

you think you could do a better job? Yes. You

19:08

do. I do. So you wouldn't just start immediately?

19:11

No. Like an anecdote when someone, one

19:13

of the other marketing guys finishes talking,

19:15

you wouldn't jump in and go, you know, this reminds me of the YouTube

19:18

shooter that we just had. Very unfortunate. Very

19:20

unfortunate. Yeah. YouTube

19:23

fucked me. YouTube fucked me out

19:25

of some, I could have been making 200

19:27

bucks. I was making quality news related

19:30

shooting content. Yeah. I

19:33

mean, that's CNN was talking about the shooting. I

19:35

was talking about the shooting. I don't get

19:38

any money. I don't get any money at all. I had tens. I'm

19:40

an internet journalist watching that. I've

19:42

always been a goddamn thing. I've always been, I've

19:45

made my reputation as an internet journalist. Right?

19:48

Right? Why else would I be on this panel? Yeah. You're

19:52

not on the panel anymore. What? Why?

19:55

Why? Why? Why? Why?

19:58

Why? Why?

19:59

It was amazing. It

20:03

was amazing. My

20:05

girlfriend called me the cheapest man in the

20:07

world. Wow. We're

20:11

sitting around at, that was great. The cheapest man in

20:13

the world. Like that was just the ultimate flex. We're

20:16

sitting around some couples there at

20:18

Halloween. Some of them got a table. I don't always

20:20

drink beer, but when I do, I drink natty ice. I

20:24

don't always drink beer, but when I do, someone else buys

20:26

it for me. There you go. See

20:30

a lot of guys. Do you

20:32

get your sugar and Splenda from Starbucks?

20:36

No, it's my pass down. My grandma when she died,

20:38

she left me her Mexican box of

20:40

Splendas that she's been collecting for 50 years. Some

20:44

of them had logos that you don't even see anymore.

20:46

Right. How many 15 year

20:49

old packets of Del Taco hot sauce

20:51

do you have? Yeah. So

20:53

we're sitting around at this table, my

20:56

friend that I didn't buy obviously, I

20:58

would never do such a thing. Table

21:00

at a Halloween party. Some

21:03

bar. Now I'm talking

21:05

about going to Vegas. Like, oh,

21:07

this place is great. Look at Cosmos,

21:09

great. Are you? Great. Like

21:12

one of the women turns to her and goes, oh, where do you guys

21:14

stay? When's the last time you went to Vegas? Where do you guys,

21:16

you stay at the MGM

21:19

or something? Or one of these new hotels, you stay

21:21

at the Cosmars? Something he goes, oh no,

21:24

my boyfriend would never, we would never stay there. My

21:26

boyfriend's the cheapest man on earth. I

21:30

said, I just went, ah, get a load of that boys. I

21:36

bet none of your wives would ever say that shit about you.

21:40

Right. Like that son of a bitch. Nice Rolex you

21:42

got there, but I'm afraid that nothing,

21:44

no, I bet no woman has ever said that about you.

21:46

Yeah. You'll never know

21:49

this feeling of satisfaction. Oh no,

21:51

he would never buy that. We would never stay there.

21:53

My boyfriend's the cheapest man in the world. Ah.

21:58

I don't even know if it's true. You've arrived.

22:00

But it's like when a girl says, oh, your dick is huge.

22:03

It's like, it's not huge, but I

22:05

like that you said it. I feel like,

22:07

I'm probably not the cheapest man in the world,

22:09

but China is part of the world. It's,

22:12

you know, lots of

22:14

cheap places in the world. But for

22:16

that moment. Are gonna get called a Jew hater. I

22:20

think it's good to be cheap though. It's

22:23

like me saying Asians are good at math. It's good to be good

22:25

at math, right? I think it's great to be as cheap

22:27

as possible. Frugal. Yeah.

22:30

You call frugal free candy.

22:33

Extremely careful with money. We

22:35

got in a fight about the Halloween candy. I'm so cheap.

22:38

It's like two bags. What are you fucking thinking?

22:41

And then I see her up there, out there giving out candy. And

22:43

she's giving out fucking handfuls. I know to get rid of

22:45

it. What is fuck this? One each. Well,

22:49

one each. Well, you need to have a laugh. You might be the cheapest

22:51

man on earth. But what's the difference between

22:53

giving out one and they, it's shitty

22:55

candy. None of them

22:56

eat all. Those little tiny ones. The

22:59

tiniest ones. I make her open

23:01

the Smarties and give them out one by one. Two

23:03

packs of Smarties will last all night at our house.

23:05

Now this is what I ate before the show, right? Oh

23:07

God. A small amount

23:09

of choice. Now if it's gonna be two

23:11

for. You need to give kids three of these. Oh

23:14

fuck off. Give them, they can walk.

23:17

They're limited only by their ability to walk

23:19

about how much candy. Especially if you have

23:21

two bags. Especially

23:24

if you have two bags. I didn't have two bags.

23:27

I only wanted one bag. I would have got five bucks.

23:29

The one with the Smarties and the lollipops. Because

23:32

actually. Oh my God. Smarties are the worst

23:35

fucking candy. Oh, they're the fucking best.

23:37

That shit is chalk and it's actually

23:40

sugar that doesn't taste like sugar. I

23:42

might be part black. That's my favorite candy.

23:44

How bad you can fuck up sugar.

23:47

Smarties can do it. But this is a

23:49

bougie neighborhood. So. Are

23:51

there a lot of kids here? No, there

23:53

wasn't. Okay. So then

23:56

you could have been, one bag

23:58

would have been probably the right thing to do. Did you

24:00

get through the first bag? Only

24:03

by knowing the neighbors had a Halloween kids

24:05

party So she was like I fucking told you two

24:07

bags is not there's they're gonna come right

24:10

there over here Well, they probably

24:12

gonna run into their bags and they'd

24:14

started trick-or-treating the neighbors did with their 20 kids

24:16

or whatever And they went the opposite

24:19

way. He's like, I think that

24:21

might be I think that might have been on purpose That

24:24

party never came to our house. It's like yeah,

24:26

you think could be you think? House

24:29

music at two in them three in the morning.

24:31

Yeah, they're like fucking filed that away

24:33

when I go maybe so Yeah, there's

24:35

gonna be kids may see things that

24:37

they don't they probably shouldn't be seeing many

24:40

Girls take an uber out of that house. We're not gonna

24:42

go over there. Yeah. Yeah Two

24:46

thing see the Smarties are like exotic

24:48

though in a neighborhood like this You're gonna have

24:50

a smarty loving kids gonna be like, oh, thank God that

24:53

that house was giving away these smarties That's

24:56

what people around here give out to feel like grounded

24:58

or in touch with like

25:06

Why don't even start

25:08

talking about that Yeah,

25:11

so

25:13

This

25:14

so we're looking at we have all day

25:16

Saturday to do nothing. Yeah, you guys well, maybe

25:18

I'll play a video game Okay

25:21

Okay, she goes does any any new video

25:23

games look good to you? Mm-hmm. Like no

25:26

you're thinking Purchase

25:29

I don't want to play video

25:31

games. I don't want to play video games for

25:33

your amusement all day Okay,

25:36

as is usually what happens right, right,

25:38

right? You play don't you play

25:40

something for me? Why don't you play an inner one of your

25:42

interactive adventures so I can watch like I'm watching

25:45

a twitch stream Does she kind of talk shit? No,

25:47

I just don't want to like solve puzzles

25:50

for someone else's amusement No, but I mean like that's

25:52

what like if I'm watching somebody play games,

25:55

then I talk shit No,

25:57

she'll try to fuck it up. She's like jump like

25:59

at the wrong time Oh, that's okay. So it's one. Yeah

26:01

one of those right? Like

26:03

no, no video games look good to me. If you

26:05

want to play one by all means go for it You got all day.

26:08

She's like, well, yeah, what about that Mario

26:10

game? Well, did that look good to you? Which Mario?

26:12

No, the new one that is

26:14

like gay Mario Really? Yeah,

26:16

you could be a big fat lady like an elephant

26:20

Huh, or you can get this flower that makes everything

26:22

gay and it dances around and all

26:24

the tubes are like Wiggling around

26:26

a way that makes you think of big cock

26:28

swiggling in your face. Okay, they

26:31

did that's the game Got

26:33

it. No, it doesn't look good to me Looks

26:36

gay actually so no, I don't want

26:38

to play that game. She's like, well, maybe I'll play it. Okay,

26:40

go for it Yeah, it's right there Nintendos

26:43

over there right you so happen to want to play any games

26:45

that you're so big on all you're not gonna play I'm

26:47

not gonna play it though. Okay, she goes

26:49

hmm. Maybe I'll play this Fucking

26:52

Alan Parsons to out project to game.

26:55

What is that? Alan Parsons project?

26:58

I don't know what it was called Alan Wick or something

27:00

Okay, looks like dog shit and she loads it up

27:03

and it just looks like one of those games. It's like a movie

27:05

Like no, right don't play.

27:08

So it's no yeah, it's my Saturday.

27:10

Maybe I'll play the game Maybe I'll play this game if it's

27:12

the one I want to play right? No, don't play

27:15

that one She's like well, then you have to play Mario

27:17

Mario game, right? Okay fine.

27:20

I'll play the game I hear you game play the game Mario

27:22

game 60 bucks

27:24

later. Yeah, like hmm

27:26

playing for about two levels. She goes I'm gonna

27:29

I'm kind of hungry I'm gonna go to I'm gonna go get a pizza.

27:32

Oh, I'm gonna go get a pizza. I'm gonna go get

27:34

a pizza. Yeah What I

27:36

guess I'll just sit and look at the not

27:39

barely any played at all game then Yeah,

27:42

yeah, just sit there going sweating

27:44

like fucking Jordan Peele or whatever that guy's

27:46

name is the meme Okay,

27:48

well I don't want to play the game so I'm not getting

27:51

roped into this fucking bullshit, right? Yeah

27:53

Yeah, so she comes back with a pizza. I don't

27:55

wait till she's like guys were used to in Vegas next

27:58

time Like

28:00

I stopped at Target too, check this out, it's a puzzle.

28:03

Like, you fucking got a puzzle! She

28:05

loves puzzles. For eight dollars?! When

28:07

I just spent sixty dollars on this fucking

28:10

game that now no one plays? Like, yeah, it's like I'm gonna do

28:12

this puzzle and play pizza

28:14

and puzzles. So

28:16

then who's playing the fucking game? You are now.

28:19

You have to, yeah. Now! So, three hours

28:21

later... It's like when the kid

28:24

hammers their parent for, you know, mommy

28:26

mommy I wanna rabbit I wanna rabbit. Guess

28:28

who takes care of the fucking rabbit? Me! Guess who

28:30

plays the video game? Me! So we do

28:33

the puzzle, eat the pizza, I'm tired. All of

28:35

them eating the pizza made me so tired. I'm like, okay,

28:37

I wanna take a nap. Well,

28:39

maybe I'll just fiddle around.

28:41

Pizza will make you tired. Maybe I'll just fucking fiddle

28:43

around and... In all fairness. So

28:46

how did the game go? Because you just play the game. It's fine! I

28:48

guess I'm playing the game! So if you

28:51

had just played a game to begin with, you'd have

28:53

sixty-eight bucks. Or more and more

28:55

with the pizza, right? What do you mean? Well,

28:58

I mean... If you had just played the... No, I was just playing

29:00

the money. No, but if you had just played a

29:02

game... Did you just fucking play a game?

29:04

I didn't want to... Well, I'm not gonna

29:06

play a game that I already fucking have. Why

29:09

not? People play games they already have all the time.

29:12

Because

29:14

then she'll complain about that. Because if I'm playing F-Zero,

29:17

I was like, wow, you can even finish seventieth?

29:19

I'm like, why don't you shut up? What's

29:22

F-Zero, a racing game or something? Yeah, it's an online

29:24

racing game. F-Zero, huh? It's

29:27

free. You can go with your Nintendo. Oh, okay. So...

29:32

You can finish seventieth? Wow,

29:36

you can finish in seventieth place? Why don't

29:38

you... Why don't they, you know... Why don't you go

29:40

get a pizza? Why don't they even place you after tenth? Why

29:42

don't you shut it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

29:47

There's a Christmas gift for patrons. Do

29:50

you want to see it? Sure. I'm not sure if I have

29:52

my phone. Yeah, I do. Here, don't tell

29:54

anybody what it is. I won't. I'm

29:56

going to send out Christmas pins for everybody.

30:00

Really? We've just finished it here. Pins.

30:02

Yeah,

30:05

like a lapel pin. That's fucking

30:07

hilarious. That's

30:10

great. That is a fucking,

30:13

that is an amazing pin. You can rock that anywhere.

30:18

It's fucking... You can rock that anywhere you want.

30:20

It's so great. Yeah, support

30:22

whatever you want with that one. You

30:25

had an artist, uh... Corgan. Yeah,

30:27

Corgan did that one. It's great. The Shawnys guy did that one. It is

30:30

great. You know, nobody ever found the secret

30:32

Shawny that I snuck in there. Really? Yeah,

30:34

maybe... I don't know what it is. I didn't

30:36

tell anybody. Yeah. It's a real good one. Um,

30:39

okay, so patreon.com slash the Dick

30:41

Show. There's a Maddox-related

30:44

bonus episode and everybody, I don't know,

30:46

I'll figure out how to send you pins. It's a good

30:48

one. All

30:51

of the, that toe guy, the pronouns guy,

30:53

he did a whole video today on why me

30:56

asking everybody what's their favorite part of ISOM

30:59

is like, uh, bad. And

31:01

how I'm like a shithead and I'm

31:03

like a disingenuous shithead. Like, see,

31:06

the entire right wing grift, like

31:08

guys who just rip off their fans and sell them

31:10

shit, is all a united front

31:12

and circling the wagons against me asking

31:15

what their favorite part of their fucking comic

31:17

is. I get that. And it's also, it's also

31:19

kind of, kind of human nature when

31:21

you're arguing with somebody, when

31:23

somebody's controversial and you're arguing with somebody

31:26

on a point that you disagree with, it's real

31:28

easy to go, well, they're fucking assholes because

31:30

they're wrong on that, that, that, that, and that.

31:33

It's like, what's your favorite part? People don't want to,

31:35

people don't want to keep it to what they're arguing.

31:37

It's like somehow it bolsters their argument

31:40

to go, well, it's like, yeah, you

31:42

know? Yeah. It's like, okay, well no, he's also a piece

31:44

of shit for this, this, this, and this. What's your favorite

31:46

part of the fucking comic? Just tell me what the

31:48

favorite part is. Yeah. I

31:51

can tell you my favorite part of this beer. It was right here,

31:53

two inches from the top, but not too

31:55

far. No, because then it gets warm. Exactly.

31:57

Yeah. It's okay. Uh. Some

32:00

AI weirdos fighting with me too. Oh

32:02

god fucking math is illegal

32:05

This is this really

32:07

baked my nuts this week really this don't

32:09

know what's worse this math is illegal

32:11

shit from Biden Or

32:14

the tearing down these really kids posters

32:16

is still going Do you think I think I should turn

32:18

those into NFTs the missing kids posters

32:21

and sell them? Then you can't tear down an NFT

32:24

because I don't think so you could tear down a poster

32:26

right? That's why I got called a Jew hater

32:28

by now fucking Hummus

32:32

here hummus one of the hummus

32:34

leaders The

32:36

hummus council, but yeah Math

32:40

is illegal. Here's the the White

32:42

House They went ahead and may

32:44

if you're just doing any you're just doing too much

32:46

math that we got a we got a safe

32:48

security I'm sorry, but we can't let you do all that

32:50

math artificial over there. You're adding numbers

32:53

up and doing Permutations

32:55

and finding out eigenvalues and stuff somebody

32:57

could build a rocket out of that math you're doing over there

33:00

You can't be doing all this math. You're

33:02

not doing that in your head. Are you? Oh, you're

33:04

right shoot this rain man fucking

33:06

executed It could be a that's a weapons

33:09

of mass destruction over there done Give

33:13

Tom Cruise is 80 grand and kill is fucking

33:15

retarded Brother new standards

33:18

for AI and security. Yeah require

33:20

that developers of the most powerful AI

33:23

systems Share their safety test results

33:25

and other critical information with the US Fucking

33:29

brains out. Yeah, I can't even

33:31

do fucking math in my own house.

33:34

No, no, no thing I mean, I know they need

33:36

to know about it. I'm not you Yeah, you

33:38

get some idea not for the nuke thing But

33:40

I can't even I can't argue that with my fucking

33:42

girlfriend that you wouldn't let me build a nuclear reactor

33:44

in the house So I don't even care if the government won't

33:46

let me right right doing math I'm pretty

33:49

sure I could do math in my own house

33:51

on my own math machine whenever

33:53

I want You

33:56

just keep them keep them in the loop is all there's

33:58

develop standards

34:00

and tools and ensure that AI systems

34:03

are safe, secure, and trustworthy. Actually,

34:05

I'm building an AI system that's totally

34:07

not safe. It's gonna be wild

34:09

and dangerous and say crazy shit

34:12

that's gonna transform society. Not

34:15

as much as a human, but I'm

34:17

trying to get there. Meanwhile, the

34:19

dumbest people in the world are just pumping

34:22

out terror machines with semen,

34:25

with their cum. You're not regulating

34:27

that, are you? You want the smartest people

34:29

in America to not do any math.

34:32

Right. No, what do you gotta know about it? Are you

34:34

regulating all these racist cum shooters?

34:37

Cumming terrorists all over everything? Well,

34:39

if we can't know, they're voting. Those terrorists

34:42

are voters. We can't do that. Your fucking machine

34:44

can't vote. Man, fuck you.

34:47

Protect against the risks of AI to

34:49

engineer dangerous biological materials.

34:54

Like COVID. Yeah, God forbid. God

34:56

forbid somebody have a machine that could

34:59

engineer dangerous biological materials

35:02

like COVID. Protecting

35:04

Americans from AI enabled fraud and

35:07

deception by establishing

35:09

standards. Well, they want to make sure they can do it.

35:11

Oh yeah, AI is really interesting. Yeah, you can't have a lying machine.

35:15

What is that gonna cut in on the lying that

35:17

you guys are already doing? Well, that's the... Yeah.

35:20

Is Israel gonna stop posting a bunch of thought whores

35:22

on their TikTok to promote the fucking

35:25

army? They say, check us out, bro. Look

35:27

at us with all of our fucking guns. It is

35:30

really, don't say bro. Yeah,

35:34

because they're not your fucking friend. Those

35:37

fucking bitches wouldn't, they

35:39

wouldn't even acknowledge you holding a door

35:41

open for them. You don't think? No.

35:45

Okay. I know women that hot. All

35:48

over the world, they're exactly the same. That's one culture.

35:51

That's one culture. Hot

35:53

women and every culture in the fucking

35:55

world, all exactly the same. The

35:57

divine language. The door is just supposed to be open.

36:00

to be open yeah

36:03

AI generated content and authenticating official

36:05

content well I mean

36:08

maybe if you just stop lying it'd be a

36:10

lot easier to identify official content there's

36:12

gonna be a lot of people getting in trouble for this kind of stuff

36:15

they're just gonna they're gonna randomly send

36:17

people to jail well they're obviously they're obviously afraid

36:19

of it of course yeah I mean you know

36:22

they probably should be mm-hmm but

36:25

they're killing us man they're

36:27

killing us on crypto shit this is

36:30

like the future shit and now we're well

36:32

it's ramping up like this it started decades

36:34

ago but then as technology moves

36:37

things along faster and faster the the taking

36:40

away and the like subjugation

36:42

well because it got cheap enough for you and me to have yeah

36:45

I know using it Pentagon's been using

36:47

AI for a decade since they started developing

36:49

it but now it's so cheap you and me can use like yeah

36:52

I had a really cracked down on this fuck there's like

36:54

you know there's 300 some odd fucking million

36:56

of these motherfuckers out there it makes me fucking

36:58

sick have ideas that I spend so much

37:00

time just trying to I spend 90%

37:03

of time escaping avoiding the

37:05

government detecting something you're innovating and

37:07

a small percentage of time fucking innovating oh

37:09

yeah it should be the totally the

37:12

opposite sure should be no no one telling

37:14

you hey will you stop will you please stop progressing

37:16

the human race yeah forward yeah you

37:19

know I mean you think

37:21

now we're looking at building floating fucking barges

37:24

in the middle of the sea with robot turrets

37:27

to shoot fucking Somali pirates

37:29

yeah just so we can have a machine that does

37:31

math yeah the you know but

37:34

the status quo has always been afraid of

37:37

change when I get on we go back a few thousands

37:39

of years you got anytime anybody

37:41

has any kind of weird ideas you

37:43

know that turn out to be more correct

37:46

than the current ideas it always been this easy

37:48

to shut it down like well I know I you know

37:50

I don't know no

37:52

I don't think so I don't know I mean because

37:55

again like what's a transformative technology that

37:57

they could just say starting like like semi condense

38:00

That was the last big one was it

38:02

yeah like like where people were like cloning

38:05

people were cloning the PC So like

38:07

yeah, he's got it. Let's clone that shit right yeah, yeah,

38:09

sure the government couldn't say well We can't

38:11

stop can't stop this guys cloning fucking Integrated

38:15

circuits what are you talking about? Yeah? Yeah, everybody's gonna do it

38:17

now. We've got a fucking computer Right well everybody's got a

38:19

computer. They could be doing too much math so

38:21

yeah Let's shut that down like not everyone's

38:24

connected the internet so we can actually do that That

38:26

was exactly my point. Yeah, yeah, it's

38:29

Sure Everybody's connected

38:32

to some extent even the people who think they're barely

38:34

connected are very connected very

38:36

connected We know who you are because you're a big

38:38

black spot on the map protect

38:41

Americans privacy by prioritizing federal

38:43

support for accelerating the development and use

38:45

of privacy preserving

38:48

techniques You

38:50

guys should stop collecting data. That's well.

38:52

That's that's the goal stop

38:55

collecting fucking data That's I know you're not

38:57

doing it correctly Strengthen privacy

38:59

pervert preserving research and technologies

39:02

just stop doing it That's the best way you can protect

39:04

Americans You stop collecting

39:06

your data evaluate how agencies collect

39:09

and use non commercially available information.

39:12

That's not a real thing everything

39:14

should be oh Advancing

39:17

equality and civil rights God

39:19

yeah The AI

39:23

has to learn how to be black Provide

39:25

clear guidance to landlords federal

39:27

benefits programs and federal contractors

39:30

to keep AI algorithms from being used

39:32

to exacerbate Discrimination

39:35

right that They're

39:37

gonna say Hey, the

39:39

computer said no like

39:42

I am I'm not racist

39:44

they want to take that out. Yeah, I'm your buddy man

39:46

right right bro Yeah,

39:49

computer says nah, man No

39:52

loan for you Address

39:56

algorithmic discrimination through

39:58

training technical assistance

40:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah cram cram a bunch of stupid

40:03

racist shit in the AI. I've got it. I Don't

40:06

care about that one. Yeah, okay

40:13

Like it's just the whole idea that I

40:16

mean the whole idea that like loans are Are

40:19

driven by a free market at

40:21

all so preposterous idea of

40:23

that the idea of that free market being racist

40:26

like What are you talking about man? Why

40:28

is the home loan 8% black people

40:30

can't even get them fucking good should be 2% not 8

40:35

Yeah, yeah, you need to go back further to say

40:37

yeah What was it before? You

40:40

know Islam has laws against that just

40:42

just want to let you guys know all the people living

40:45

in a concentration camp Usury is a big no-no

40:47

on their end They're allowed to do a little

40:49

bit of interest but not no fucking 8%

40:51

gouging. Yeah, not gouging Can't

40:55

say usury. That's probably a schematic but gouging

40:57

now. Yeah, huh Yeah,

41:00

Islam usury is no known Islam hmm Equitable

41:04

might be part of their problems Let's

41:09

see here Who

41:11

oh yeah the swing from Trump to Biden I guess

41:13

that's kind of interesting That's

41:16

crazy. I know everybody's not like in

41:18

love with AI or whatever, but it's Fucking

41:20

bullshit just stay away

41:22

from it man. I'm not in love with anything in the news.

41:25

Yeah Women's

41:28

losing some more tools in space. That's cool.

41:30

Oh really? I love those they stopped

41:34

I had a great match with that. She like lost a

41:36

toolbox. This was like what 15 years ago or

41:38

something How much is it when there are no

41:41

tools? How much is that worth

41:43

exactly I heard a number and

41:45

it was of course billion dollars Astronomic

41:48

it was like something stupid like of

41:50

course a woman did it so it's titled orbital

41:52

oopsie and all this stupid shit Orbital

41:54

during a Thursday spacewalk outside

41:57

the International Space Station which women's

41:59

punch the hole in recently Jasmine

42:04

mug belly oh man didn't

42:06

did an artificial intelligence somehow figure who

42:08

would cause a fuck up on the ISS at

42:10

NASA astronauts Jasmine mock

42:13

belly uh-huh and Laurel O'Hara

42:16

let's get a good look at these yeah have

42:19

to put a name I like putting

42:21

faces Indian lady 40

42:24

years old oh yeah Wow 40 years

42:26

old they still can't hold on to a fucking tool how about that

42:29

they should either make the tools cry like a baby

42:31

or paint the tool bag with Louis Vuitton shit

42:33

like Louis Vuitton needs to come out with a NASA

42:35

tool bags definitely nevertheless that shit

42:37

goes as value can I go do the can

42:40

I go do the spacewalk now it's mine right

42:42

right she'll

42:44

come out there with her fucking keys like

42:46

Wolverine out

42:51

there just in case there's some smart you're

42:53

gonna have to put the keys

42:57

down to perform this maneuver to perform

42:59

this repair I can perform it with these fuck

43:01

that clutch of my Louis

43:04

Vuitton dickhead emailed

43:06

me recently and said I thought you were joking about women doing

43:08

that keys thing but then I saw my

43:11

girlfriend's friend do it yeah why

43:13

did you think I was joking yeah must be like 20

43:16

something I'd never heard anything I'm saying about women

43:18

is I didn't think you were joking thank

43:20

you because it seems like something that cook

43:24

up that you would think might do

43:26

something yeah yeah yeah as opposed to just

43:28

like fold you know it's

43:30

gonna as opposed to how your hands are you're gonna

43:33

hurt yourself running

43:35

yeah we're tasked with replacing

43:37

a bearing of an assembly allowing the station's

43:40

solar array no bearing

43:42

that means they had to undo some stuff to

43:44

get bearings are they're never really on

43:46

the outside right there's no chance a woman

43:49

in history has ever understood what a bearing is

43:52

but as they were getting ready to do their work the

43:54

pair inadvertently lost a tool

43:57

bag in an orbital oopsie according

43:59

to a NASA update I like that those were all in

44:01

quotes. Yeah, yeah, an inadvertently

44:04

lost an object that was I didn't

44:06

think he did it on purpose We thought you did

44:08

it out of retardation like that

44:12

You think a guy when the NASA guys could just slap her

44:14

and then not like just shut the can't hey

44:17

mission control Can you shut all the cameras down for yeah,

44:19

right? Exactly and then put them back

44:21

in. Uh-huh It was later

44:23

spotted harmlessly floating off

44:25

into the distance Harmlessly

44:28

that's gonna that's gonna take down a space station

44:30

one day when that fucker comes around

44:32

and fortunately the tools We're not quote.

44:34

We're not needed for the remainder of the spacewalk.

44:37

Oh, that's okay. Well, that's good. Are

44:39

they up there? Well, so

44:41

they use them for the the purpose they needed

44:43

and then and then lost them lost them So

44:46

and then they just so they just finger-tited everything

44:48

back, you know tightened every everything

44:51

back It's

44:53

good. It's snug put the screwdriver. Just

44:56

say snug, right? That's good plus

44:58

screwdriver into the hole and turn it Can

45:01

I use the minus one? Why do you why

45:03

do you ask? Don't bitch.

45:05

Why do you ask that? Yeah They

45:08

were not needed for the remainder of the spacewalk

45:11

Okay, why would you say that? What

45:13

are you trying to like what explain

45:15

like that's not a fuckup. That's not a big

45:17

deal. Big deal. Yeah It wasn't right. They were

45:20

able to still get the job done I hope

45:22

a guy's up there and just walks out and throws on

45:25

to see how the press release goes. Yeah

45:30

Let's go

45:31

ahead write that up compare it exactly

45:36

And then argue about how fast you know,

45:38

yeah, yeah, that's Mmm

45:42

Meaning the accident hopefully won't be a big deal. Okay

45:46

Why are they even up there? Fuck

45:48

what's their fucking problem? I don't know when they always

45:50

have to ruin everywhere we ever go Yeah,

45:55

dead kids see Benjamin

45:58

Franklin and a headscarf looks pretty cool actually

46:01

yeah no

46:03

just a bunch of guys oh just a bunch of

46:05

cool guys hanging out doing protests

46:08

no big deal free pal

46:10

sign guy put a headscarf on his budget is

46:12

this in the US or is this a

46:15

in Philadelphia you know oh gotcha yeah

46:20

I have to say yeah this um

46:23

this is the first time in my lifetime that I

46:25

can remember a a fairly

46:28

large and vocal opposition to

46:30

Israel oh yeah I know it's

46:32

a very great it's a yes a new thing

46:35

it is a new thing where

46:37

it's very new it seems like very new

46:39

usually I can I can write off like you

46:41

know crazies on both ends a lot of time

46:43

but it's like people you know there's a lot

46:46

of people who are fairly reasonable who are going like

46:48

dude like they're this is the is this the right

46:50

response like is this really

46:53

is it this this just

46:55

sounds like kill them all and let God sort

46:57

them out to me yeah you know like this and

46:59

that I don't kill their God I think people are

47:02

fatigued with this kind of stuff which

47:04

like I don't want to hear about this shit anymore and

47:06

I'm tired of pretending that like that

47:10

like I don't have to I don't have

47:12

to actually I don't have to pretend anymore that you guys

47:14

are doing the right thing

47:16

yeah you've been fucking around for

47:18

a long time come to think of it you were fucking

47:20

around when I was a kid I mean it's

47:23

you can't

47:23

didn't you kill a guy that

47:25

was coming in and said he would make peace with Palestine

47:28

I kind of remember I remember a little bit

47:30

about that I

47:31

think it's part of the reason

47:33

why I think people are just not afraid of

47:36

like just the

47:38

the ADL and everybody

47:44

just going like you're an anti-semite you're an anti-semite

47:46

you think they over you think they overdid it over

47:48

the during Trump so now they're like oh I

47:50

think well you didn't kill those guys I think they're done

47:52

I think they've overdone it for years I think just

47:55

you know the average person

47:57

like with like you like an opinion like a reasonable

48:00

is just like, you know what? Fuck

48:01

off. You can't do shit to me. You can't

48:03

do shit to all

48:05

of us. So it's like, you know what? Shut

48:07

the fuck up. I get an opinion.

48:10

I can have an opinion. You might think it's

48:12

a fucking ill formed opinion. You might think

48:14

it's totally wrong, but whatever. Fuck you.

48:16

Fuck up.

48:19

Fuck up. Like really like it's, it's

48:22

for so long. It's been, it's been,

48:24

you know, close to a crime. Yes. Close

48:26

to a crime to say that everything that

48:32

they're doing in retribution is not completely

48:35

justified. Like it's like really like you

48:37

don't think about it for one minute. You don't, do

48:39

you not see how maybe if you're

48:41

a parent who just wants to get through their day and

48:44

you bomb a hospital and

48:46

you kill a couple of their kids, I

48:49

don't know about you, their dad, I don't know about you.

48:51

I think I would hate

48:54

that guy forever. Well, what's fucking crazy

48:56

about it is like all of at

48:58

least during this time they go, well they

49:00

hate us forever anyway. That's,

49:03

you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. We didn't bomb that.

49:05

They were still haters. Let's find out. Yeah. Let's find out some

49:11

guy, um, some Jewish guy was like,

49:13

well, what are we supposed to do? Just take it. I'm like, well, I

49:15

mean, no, you want to, if you want

49:18

to stop the cycle, definitely. I

49:20

mean, stop the terrorism cycle. Somebody

49:22

has to take it. You can't just

49:25

do terrorism back and forth forever.

49:27

You can't kill them

49:29

all. You know that. Right. Right. Right.

49:31

So, I mean, I don't, I

49:34

don't have a preference either way, but you do what you

49:36

think is best. Yeah.

49:38

I mean, you know, yeah. Uh,

49:41

I forget what I wanted. Uh, uh, oh

49:43

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, they're

49:45

like ignoring this, this, uh,

49:48

this, um, uh, maxim

49:50

that all of American movies

49:53

and media right now are significant

49:56

amount and we're at the tail end of it is

49:58

driven by like revenge. fantasies.

50:00

Oh yeah. Like John Wick is they killed my

50:03

dog. Oh yeah. Basically going to kill their entire

50:05

power structure. And then Israel's

50:07

coming going like, well, what do you, why do

50:09

Americans like support this? Uh, terrorism.

50:12

We've been, we've been doing

50:14

terrorism forever. Have

50:17

you guys not been watching our movies? Yeah. John

50:19

Wick four sucked, but one and two,

50:21

you can see it there. I just

50:24

think it's interesting that it's, it's, it's

50:27

a, a, a different than I heard in the eighties.

50:29

It was about saving somebody, but now it's

50:31

about revenge. Right. John doesn't,

50:33

John Wick doesn't get his dog back. No, he just

50:35

wants to kill people because they killed

50:37

his dog. Yeah. Very different.

50:40

Very different emotion. Yeah. For

50:43

sure. But it, it really is. It's just on a,

50:45

on a much larger scale where it's like, Hey,

50:47

like, come on, this is over the top. You

50:49

guys, you guys got to think about this in plant. Don't

50:51

worry. They're not going anywhere. Do you

50:54

know what I mean? They're not going anywhere. So I

50:56

mean, maybe don't just fucking

50:59

unleash everything everywhere.

51:04

They're doing, I've seen videos of Hamas

51:06

guys like doing like parkour shit. Their videos

51:08

are like, they're crawling out of holes. Like Hogan's heroes

51:11

putting like IED bombs on

51:13

tanks and then like scooting off. I'm like,

51:16

man, you guys have, you guys,

51:18

Israel have fucked up this

51:20

PR war so badly.

51:23

Cause you got lazy. You got

51:25

fucking lazy. Like tick tock exists.

51:27

It's kind of like, yeah, it's like the, well,

51:30

they think

51:32

that they have the, you know,

51:34

I don't know what an unfettered support of

51:37

that. Use that word, right? Unfettered. Not

51:39

really. That's wrong. Unconditional

51:42

support. Yeah. Unconditional. Yeah. Support

51:44

of what they've always had. It's

51:46

like, well, America's always a hundred percent

51:49

because they're evangelical Christians, white evangelical

51:51

Christians. Yeah. It's

51:53

like part of their religion to support Israel. Yeah. They

51:56

think that the final Armageddon is going to be fought there

51:58

and then Jesus will come. Like Santa

52:00

Claus was like, oh, please fucking please

52:02

have a nuclear war and then Jesus comes. Yeah,

52:04

a lot of it Yeah, a lot of them do nuts It's

52:10

it's it's crazy how important being

52:13

judgmental and violent is

52:15

for like it all the fuck around and find

52:17

find out Americans Yeah, they

52:19

get the ultimate fantasy of just being violent

52:23

and fat and Hyperbolic

52:26

and judgmental whenever it comes to the Middle

52:28

East everybody's everybody has these

52:30

fantasies now and it's more than ever

52:32

And it's I think because it's everybody

52:34

is realizing that you really don't have any power

52:37

here You really yeah, so it's like

52:39

you have all these fans. You have to live in your mind

52:41

and that's really why why

52:43

like, you know VR

52:47

like is gonna win and it's gonna be way

52:49

better. Well, I wish they

52:51

would do well Fucking

52:54

Apple and Google and the government has

52:56

made it so AI is like neutered You

53:00

know, you can't jack off you can't be your jackoff

53:03

waifu. Yeah, pacify

53:05

you so everybody's gonna be all amped up for Israel

53:08

I don't is that is that

53:11

oh is that is it not Lord miles there?

53:16

Let me let me play this PSA is he

53:18

in there I can only see like the first letter of

53:20

everybody's name now Yeah, that's him. Okay. All

53:22

right. Let me play this PSA and then we'll talk

53:25

to Lord miles Awesome

53:29

he's here This is

53:32

the stop tearing them down PSA. Oh

53:34

god, this is so this is like a this

53:37

is an epidemic of tearing down missing

53:40

children post in in

53:42

the US Kidnapped

53:47

and they're showing white women doing it and

53:50

then they're showing a kid I

53:52

guess he was kidnapped Why

53:54

woman white woman tearing off and

53:57

there's all people that were kidnapped You

54:01

get to go home, it says. But

54:04

I guess these people that got kidnapped

54:07

by Hamas don't get to go home. They

54:09

don't. Stop tearing them down.

54:12

It's more propaganda that they're tearing

54:15

down. It's not missing. It's

54:18

not going to help to have missing people. They're

54:20

hostages. It's not missing. Right?

54:23

They're not here. I

54:26

mean, I can't say that with 100% certainty,

54:29

but I mean, I'm pretty close. I

54:31

highly doubt they're, you know, because,

54:34

you

54:35

know,

54:36

terrorists walking around out in the open

54:38

with, you know, like to move them. Yeah.

54:42

Everyone in America would notice that guy going, Oh,

54:45

no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, what the fuck is that

54:47

guy doing? Why do you have all those white people

54:50

chained up and stuff? That's weird. They

54:54

tend not to believe it when he says, shut up and wait

54:56

till we get home, son. So

54:58

they're having such a. They're doing proper. They're doing

55:01

propaganda ads for their propaganda.

55:04

Stop taking down our propaganda. We

55:07

noticed a lot of you white women taking it down. So we just

55:09

want to say that if

55:11

you see a white woman, stop. Stop

55:14

her. Yeah. Okay, buddy. We'll get right

55:16

on. We'll get right on that. We've been trying to do that for,

55:18

I don't know, since the beginning of fucking time. The

55:21

next time I see a white woman doing something, I'll say,

55:23

Hey, stop.

55:27

All right. Let's

55:29

see here.

55:30

Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Miles,

55:33

are you there? Is

55:36

he there? Oh, no. I'm going to mute

55:38

and unmute him.

55:39

You know the dance.

55:41

I know the dance. Yeah. There you are. Hey,

55:45

we did it. We did it. Ready? God,

55:47

it's so good to talk to you. I'm so pleased you're

55:49

not dead. Oh, why would it

55:52

be dead? I didn't pass through fucking London

55:54

or something. It's all good. Did

55:56

you feel safer with the Taliban than you do

55:58

back at home? Yeah. man, never mind my

56:00

Tally bros, honestly. I think I honestly

56:02

had like, you know when you go on like a tech retreat,

56:04

all those retars pay like 10 grand a month

56:06

just to go to some cabin somewhere. Yes.

56:09

I had the same thing for free in Afghanistan.

56:12

If anything, I'm actually thinking about setting up a paid service.

56:14

So it'll be

56:17

great. Honestly, imagine just like spending

56:20

a month or two with the Tally band to detox

56:23

from online shit. I

56:25

mean, I would love to talk to those guys.

56:28

They have this look. They have this look in their eyes.

56:31

Like every, every picture I see the Taliban, they

56:33

kind of have this look of like, like they can't believe

56:36

they lucked out and that the US finally fucked off.

56:38

Yeah. And like they all are just still

56:40

so happy. Yeah. Every picture I see of

56:42

the other shoot a dresser like, yeah, you mean we,

56:45

but we have our country back. Yeah. Really?

56:47

Big if that's true.

56:51

Half of them, half of them actually

56:53

depressed too. Because they're

56:55

like, shit, I wish I died in the war. I had

56:57

the opportunity like six months before to

57:00

die in like a suicide bombing, but I didn't

57:02

take it. So now I'm just living like

57:04

a meaningless existence, just doing

57:06

paperwork in fucking to board. I'm like,

57:09

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like one struggle.

57:14

So they're having like survivors guilt and

57:17

like, they're having to like have like the depression

57:19

of like a civilized society. The men who

57:21

are not engaged in like a war against an undefeatable

57:24

enemy. Uh, that's

57:26

funny. Okay. Wait. So, um, tell Sean,

57:28

like, like what happened to you? You were, you're

57:30

a, you're a crazy explorer, but then I think what,

57:32

like eight months ago you just went missing. Yeah,

57:35

man. So I was ever full of cabal. I've

57:37

been the front lines of Ukraine, all this other

57:40

stuff. And, um, also snake

57:42

Island too. And then suddenly I go to Afghanistan

57:44

to, you know, just casually open a gold

57:46

mine as you do, you know, it's like economic goofing off.

57:49

And then suddenly I go missing for like eight months.

57:51

Everyone thinks dead. Everyone thinks, Oh, no,

57:54

my screen executed. All the

57:56

leaks are fake. I came on a best

57:58

friends with her, but I was the best friend. best treated prisoner

58:00

of all time pretty much. I had my laptop,

58:03

I went for water park with them, I went to meetings,

58:05

I met the ministers. I basically pitched my

58:07

business, they invited me back and gave

58:09

me a certificate that makes me an honorary member

58:11

of Amoogia Hardeen. I got a record for

58:13

it. Yes! Yeah

58:18

man, one of the guys said, oh, to

58:20

be fair, there might be a chance for you to get a citizenship. I'm

58:22

like, so you know what I'm going to

58:25

do, lads? You know what I'm going to do with that if I do get

58:27

a citizenship? I'm going to go

58:29

to Oxford University or something, one of the big

58:31

ones, you have a big uni. I'm going to

58:33

walk in, I'm going to walk to the admissions office

58:36

and I'm going to go, hey, retard, dip, shit. Anyway,

58:39

I'm fucking retarded and I've

58:41

got no qualifications and I think I'm

58:43

going to, I just wouldn't have studied and

58:45

I would just waste time. I wouldn't even like, I

58:48

think I would just kick shit babies and stuff. But

58:50

I am an Afghan. I am

58:53

non-white and I'm like, are you Asian?

58:55

I'm like, no. And they're like, oh

58:57

shit, wow, let him through. He's a minority.

59:00

Wow. Yeah, you're the biggest

59:02

minority in the world, right? Afghan

59:05

citizen. Sure. Yeah. I'm

59:08

like, I might just claim welfare. So

59:11

you went there to do a gold mine?

59:14

You went there to open a gold mine? You went to Afghanistan?

59:16

So this is after, when did you go there? Did

59:19

you go before or after the fall of like

59:21

the US occupation? I've been

59:23

five times man in the last two years. So I

59:25

was there three days before the fall of

59:27

Kabul on like a holiday. So I became

59:30

the last ever tourist in Kabul as you casually

59:32

do. You know what I mean? It happens to

59:34

the best of us really. I mean, I just goofed off on

59:37

both sides, met like special forces as children

59:39

of them, side drinking as like, you

59:41

know, the place is being shot at, whatever, that evacuates

59:43

out. When back, met the Taliban children

59:46

and I started selling Taliban merch. So

59:48

I was buying like headbands and shit just staying on

59:51

eBay. It's not sanctions. I'm like,

59:53

this is big markets. What? Shit, ton

59:55

of money somehow. Sorry, go ahead.

59:58

No, no, no, she's fine. I

1:00:00

was gonna say how are you just like walking around

1:00:03

like I yeah, I don't know it goes and you're like you're

1:00:05

talking with You know

1:00:07

American forces or whatever and then Taliban

1:00:09

like it's just like hey guys I'm not in this but

1:00:12

hang on. I got a couple questions That's

1:00:14

cool, man. I'm just walking around 1.2 as

1:00:18

the as the falls happening. I'm like sure I need

1:00:20

to get the airport So I held on

1:00:22

task and hand him all my money my pocket and

1:00:24

gave take me right there now And when

1:00:26

did you when did you know that shit was

1:00:28

going south? Like you said

1:00:29

The

1:00:31

Taliban put out like I think was a tweet

1:00:33

or a tick tock was something saying hey,

1:00:35

uh, if you guys don't Retrawl

1:00:38

or just give up We're gonna

1:00:40

like just take a ball by force. So no,

1:00:43

you know a decision by like 3 p.m So

1:00:45

I thought fuck fuck that's in one hour So

1:00:48

I say like running around and I was

1:00:50

like I was actually enjoying it too as I was running

1:00:52

through people I as small my face is like we're run

1:00:54

this high you know, I mean, but anyway, it was a great

1:00:56

motivation and When I was

1:00:59

when I was fucking in the car I

1:01:01

tried to book a flight out for my for my credit

1:01:03

card But of course like $800, you

1:01:05

know, I mean so it's flat up because I what what

1:01:07

is man doing, right? Dead

1:01:11

by fried prevention, yeah Before

1:01:15

you got caught right this is before you got detained

1:01:19

Okay, okay Sadly so I call

1:01:22

up Rajin or some fucking Indian bloke,

1:01:24

you know customer service And he's like, oh no,

1:01:26

so I hope I hope I'm fucking Taliban coming.

1:01:28

I'll block my card. You wanker

1:01:31

I'm sorry to hear you having problems. I'm like Fucking

1:01:34

die freaking out got the column blocked

1:01:36

all flights of spenders So I'm just wondering

1:01:38

through couple to Taliban come up to

1:01:41

me and they're like, you know, what are you doing? Yeah,

1:01:43

I'm like tourists. They're like, are you sure? And

1:01:51

they uh, and they go wait, you're British

1:01:53

and I go and they look at my passport

1:01:56

They pissed off. You know, I mean something tells

1:01:58

me they don't like the bridge. You know two lads

1:02:00

obviously had bad experiences or something. So

1:02:03

I quickly, I cookie fumble on the spot

1:02:05

and I'd say, uh, actually brother, uh,

1:02:08

I'm part of the United Kingdom, but there's

1:02:10

a country called Wales. I'm from there. So

1:02:12

we got invaded by England like 200 years ago. Pretty

1:02:16

good. I went and faced you and me. Pretty good.

1:02:18

Is that true? Are you from Wales? Oh

1:02:21

no, of course not. No, I'm not. Okay.

1:02:23

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. I'm not into sheep. All Welsh people

1:02:25

fuck sheep. It's a hundred percent of fast, by the way. Oh

1:02:27

my God. They were like, what's Wales? Like

1:02:30

I was like just a bunch of farmers and hills and sheep.

1:02:32

And they were like, Oh, like, like, yeah, exactly.

1:02:35

Yeah. I think he said one struggle,

1:02:38

one struggle. He passed me on my shoulder and said, Oh, enjoy

1:02:40

your holiday. So I was like,

1:02:43

Oh, I got to this compound that was housing

1:02:45

like a foreigners. It was a huge

1:02:48

crowd of Afghans. So

1:02:50

I just pushed through some white. I mean, I

1:02:53

was like, that's my passport. It was like, that

1:02:55

was like a Turkish dude, like a Turkish soldier.

1:02:57

That was a scanning people. And I say, I've got a British

1:02:59

passport. He goes, no, no, no, no. Turkish

1:03:02

people only. And I go, don't worry, my friend, I'm not Greek.

1:03:04

I just lost his ass off because, you know, Turkey and Greece.

1:03:07

Of course, they let me in. So

1:03:10

I'm just talking soldiers, Greek.

1:03:12

And you know what? The first thing they do is they give me a

1:03:14

fucking Wi-Fi password, which I think is the most

1:03:17

retarded thing they can do. Yes,

1:03:19

I got life. Very generous. Yeah,

1:03:22

my Wi-Fi password. They won't give

1:03:24

you a Wi-Fi password anywhere. In America,

1:03:26

you know, and not just in McDonald's. Yeah, yeah. I

1:03:30

told myself I was a refugee, so it kind of worked.

1:03:32

So I was just goofing off, really. So

1:03:35

I livestreamed the entire thing. One

1:03:37

of the special forces, like commanders, knocked

1:03:39

on my room. At the end of the livestream,

1:03:41

he just started shouting at me, like, hey, that's a fucking

1:03:44

restaurant kit, blah, blah, blah. Like, but what? You

1:03:46

gave me the Wi-Fi. And

1:03:48

they were pissing me off. They were livestreaming it? One

1:03:51

commander was pissed. But all the other people

1:03:54

below them, it was just a lot of ass off. And don't

1:03:56

I have to choke them off? So

1:03:59

they seem to have better like. little, they're a little looser

1:04:01

than we might think they are. Yeah, right? Yeah,

1:04:04

it is. Okay, so wait, the most

1:04:06

recent one, when you were missing for eight months, how

1:04:09

did you get, how and

1:04:11

why did you get picked up there? Because

1:04:14

it seemed like you were going back and it was more like, I mean, it kind of seemed

1:04:16

like you were doing like a routine visit of the

1:04:18

Taliban when you were doing it. And when

1:04:20

you didn't show up again, I was like, how

1:04:23

the fuck, like, did he get caught and get shot?

1:04:25

You followed this. Oh, big time. Yeah.

1:04:28

Yeah. I mean, I've got a lot of miles

1:04:30

forever. Got it. Yeah.

1:04:34

How did you get, how did you get picked up and why

1:04:36

and why did they, why did they cut you off from the outside?

1:04:38

What, you know, tell the whole story. Yeah. So

1:04:41

at the time I had a house in Kabul. So I

1:04:43

was like renting this one place as you do. You know

1:04:45

what I mean? And then I had to pay

1:04:48

rent. So I was like, shit, I can't use the ATM

1:04:50

because the Swiss network doesn't work like

1:04:52

that. So you bank cards don't work. You got to send

1:04:54

money through Western Union. So I went there,

1:04:56

I sent myself like a thousand dollars, a little

1:04:58

bit more. And I flagged something up

1:05:01

where they wanted to check my name and stuff. So when

1:05:03

I walked out of the Western Union, two soldiers

1:05:05

were sitting there, like with guns pointing me to like, yeah, come

1:05:07

with us, come with us. I was like, fuck me. And

1:05:10

then I went to this building and they were

1:05:12

like, oh, we think you're a weapons

1:05:14

dealer. The Russian, Russian

1:05:17

intelligence has told us you keep going

1:05:19

to like Ukraine and here. So they suspect

1:05:21

you're, you're like buying and smuggling weapons

1:05:23

across the border. I'm like,

1:05:26

I'm like, I'm like, but I don't like Ukraine. I'm a

1:05:28

kind of Russian pill. You know what I mean? And

1:05:30

they were like, they were like, maybe, but

1:05:32

you know, we got a check. You know what I mean? How many

1:05:34

weapons were you, were you accused of dealing?

1:05:37

Exactly. They had no idea, but they

1:05:39

were like, what's this money for? I was like, well, clean up my

1:05:41

weapons, but it's a thousand dollars. I

1:05:44

could buy like, I can buy like, you know, 300

1:05:47

bullets. I'm going to buy 300 bullets. And

1:05:49

yeah, I'm going to gas that man. You can

1:05:51

buy an M16 for like $200. Oh,

1:05:54

okay. Well, I shouldn't know that. Well,

1:05:56

I shouldn't know that. Right. But

1:06:00

I'm just like, oh shit, okay. And then he also thought

1:06:02

I was a spy, because you know what, my best friends

1:06:05

during interrogation, so I had two people with me. He

1:06:08

fucking snitched on something

1:06:10

I didn't even do. So he got pulled

1:06:12

aside. So you went there with two people

1:06:15

at your last, at your most recent visit

1:06:17

to Afghanistan, you took two friends?

1:06:19

Yes, mate. Okay. Yeah, just help me

1:06:21

open the goldmine as you do. You know, it's like a last

1:06:23

holiday. And then, this

1:06:27

is a life I want, Sean. And

1:06:29

not this life of arguing about video games

1:06:31

and Halloween candy. You can do this. I

1:06:34

couldn't do this. I've got pretty

1:06:37

much like a nigga pass. I've got the N-word pass

1:06:39

in Afghanistan pretty much. So

1:06:42

I can just, we can pop down. We can

1:06:44

have sort of like a... What is the N-word

1:06:46

pass with the Taliban? Right.

1:06:49

I get you. I've been pro-Taliban since day one,

1:06:51

by the way. Yeah, I think you have. I have been. I

1:06:54

have a long track record. I think you have. I'm

1:06:56

being pro-Taliban. No,

1:06:58

they said, we're going to give you this document,

1:07:00

Miles. It basically says, you're on a remember

1:07:03

of a Mujahideen. You cannot be searched

1:07:05

on military checkpoints. You cannot be stopped in military

1:07:08

checkpoints. You can go anywhere in Kabul

1:07:10

that's not a military base or like restricted

1:07:12

area, which is pretty much like, you know, office

1:07:14

buildings and shit sometimes. And

1:07:16

you cannot be questioned or detained beyond

1:07:19

checking the validity of this document. And it says,

1:07:22

anyone who stops you beyond

1:07:25

checking the validity of this document or

1:07:27

hinders your mission, which I think is hilarious,

1:07:30

will be imprisoned themselves. Oh, God!

1:07:33

They get a G- Yes!

1:07:45

But you had that or you got that recently? I've

1:07:47

called that. So if a Taliban like, Miles, come back

1:07:49

to the gold mine, come back to some business. We

1:07:51

love you, bro. I'm like, I love you too, my friends. That's

1:07:54

incredible. Okay, so your two friends got, all you guys got detained, and your two

1:07:56

friends ratted on you. Miles might be a spy. They

1:07:58

were like, they were just like, oh, anything you want to tell us? They weren't

1:08:01

under duress, it was just a normal conversation, sitting

1:08:03

down on chairs and sofas, having

1:08:05

tea. He just goes, yeah, Miles might be a spy.

1:08:08

Obviously, I've raised some fucking eyebrows, doesn't

1:08:10

it? I'm not Mr. Miles. I'm just goofing

1:08:13

off Miles, you know what I mean? I'm just... I'm

1:08:15

not a spy, Max. Miles? To work

1:08:17

in intelligence... No, I am not. To work in

1:08:19

intelligence, you must have intelligence. I'm clearly fucking

1:08:22

lacking on. Why'd he say that? He

1:08:25

just got freaked out. I don't know. I think

1:08:27

he's just really autistic and he just fumbled, or

1:08:29

maybe he threw me underneath a bus. I've

1:08:31

got some blackmail on him, so I'm just holding him over

1:08:34

his head. I'm like, if you try and fuck me over again, we're

1:08:36

going to remain like civil friends until we grow apart.

1:08:39

If you try and screw me over again, your life is over. Do

1:08:41

you understand? He's like, yeah. I

1:08:43

literally have 93 audio recordings of

1:08:45

him saying the N-word. So I

1:08:47

basically go... And I've got a nasty

1:08:50

amount to send it to every university

1:08:52

professor, every job he's applying for. And

1:08:56

this individual does not have an N-word pass,

1:08:58

I take it. So the 93 instances are

1:09:00

going to go badly for him. I've

1:09:02

made a lot of use out of the N-word pass, the Taliban

1:09:05

pass, that's way cooler. Well, I

1:09:07

mean, kind of higher stakes. You

1:09:10

might have an N-word pass, because he's like, temps say Italian,

1:09:13

and Italians are mostly black. You

1:09:15

don't need like the seven ones to face his niggas. Well,

1:09:18

Vito tried to tell me that shit too. Well, we're

1:09:20

minorities too. You got the Moors

1:09:22

and stuff. To Italy, it is different,

1:09:24

because you have those weird like Swiss German

1:09:27

Italians in the north. Yeah. With

1:09:29

like names like Reinhold Messner. He's an Italian. No, he

1:09:31

isn't. He is nothing. But always

1:09:33

has to be the first one. He's not. Always has

1:09:35

to be. Did they think you were a... Did

1:09:39

you have to answer questions? Like, are you a spy? Like,

1:09:41

did they... Yeah, man, they... So my two friends

1:09:43

left off the two... Did they torture you? No, no, no,

1:09:45

no. My enthalpy grows. If

1:09:48

I was being tortured, I wouldn't be going back in

1:09:50

like a few weeks, man. I wouldn't think, yeah. Yeah,

1:09:53

exactly. Okay. Like,

1:09:55

you know, very tortured is like having to speak to fucking women nowadays. You

1:09:57

know what I mean? Yeah. struggle

1:10:02

man. Um, yeah, I had eight months without

1:10:04

women. I felt so a calm man. I think I was,

1:10:06

I became enlightened for a little bit. What

1:10:10

am I doing in my life? I'm not doing

1:10:12

this clearly. You're not traveling. You're not. You

1:10:14

could just go live your dreams.

1:10:17

We can make it happen, dude. Open a gold mine.

1:10:20

Never talk to women again. I can tell the

1:10:22

tell me if a woman gets within 10 feet of me shooter,

1:10:24

if you have the right paperwork,

1:10:27

if I have the right paperwork. Yeah. Well, I do

1:10:29

have a weapons license in Afghanistan now because

1:10:32

that, that likes that piece of paper for honorary

1:10:34

Mujahideen. One basically says, yeah, I'm

1:10:36

asking to own like a gun, like a PKM,

1:10:38

a rocket launcher. Oh my God. Every

1:10:43

time you say Mujahideen, I think of Rambo three and it

1:10:46

gets, I watched with a turbo

1:10:48

man. That was sick. You watched Rambo three with a

1:10:50

Taliban. Oh, Dave, did you see soy

1:10:53

face? And they were like, who does the Taliban? I know

1:10:56

that guy. Okay.

1:10:59

So you're there for eight months. Breakdown

1:11:01

the, what was the like, was there like a

1:11:04

getting to know like, yeah, it's probably like,

1:11:06

Oh fuck, I'm going to be here for a long time. And

1:11:09

are they like, are they imprisoning you?

1:11:11

Is there like a acknowledgement

1:11:13

that you're not allowed to leave or communicate?

1:11:16

Whether you're

1:11:18

a spy, what's going on with you, whether you are

1:11:20

exactly, exactly. So

1:11:22

basically I'm, I'm taking to this

1:11:24

guest house area because they're like, okay, well, we

1:11:27

think Moses based because we've, we've just

1:11:29

read his book. So I had a copy of my book on,

1:11:31

on, on me and they read through

1:11:33

it. And I'm like, shit, this is actually quite fire to

1:11:35

be fair. Like it's all about Afghanistan. A

1:11:38

shameless plug right there. And then, uh, he

1:11:40

saw my tweets and stuff and I've turned out like

1:11:42

half intelligent A.C. followed me at

1:11:44

some point. So I'm like,

1:11:47

oh shit, you're that guy. I'm like, fuck, I'm that guy. And they're

1:11:49

like, Oh, I'd like to tweet. I was like, thanks man. Uh,

1:11:52

anytime I could help me out, they're like, no, but

1:11:54

you know, go tweet you good. I'm like, yeah, no

1:11:56

problem. And they look through my stuff

1:11:58

and they asked me if I was a spy. It

1:12:00

would go, Mars, we know you're a spy, man. Just admit

1:12:02

it, you can serve your two-year sentence and you'll be

1:12:04

released. But until then, you're gonna be stuck

1:12:06

in limbo for months. I'm like, no, Spider-Man.

1:12:09

And it's like, Mars, we know you're a spy, but we wanna

1:12:12

give you a job, we'll pay you. And like,

1:12:14

you know, tell us what you're gonna be accomplished by.

1:12:17

Yeah, exactly. Okay, yeah. And

1:12:19

I was like, sorry, no. And they

1:12:21

were like, Mars, we know you're a spy, but

1:12:23

if you don't admit it, you know, they could be

1:12:25

a huge sentence or even corporal punishment.

1:12:28

You know, just like death and stuff, execution. But

1:12:32

like, you know, just admit it now, you'll

1:12:34

be fine, man. I'm like, no, I'm a nice spy.

1:12:36

And after a while, what they did is they

1:12:38

invited me to like

1:12:41

the GDI headquarters, like with

1:12:43

the intelligence agency. And I'm sitting there

1:12:45

in this picnic with like peacocks behind me.

1:12:48

And like, you know, it's a tropical

1:12:50

garden type place. It's nice, it's lush. And

1:12:52

the commander's sitting there and they say, oh,

1:12:54

stop, Mars, you know, we think you're chill. But

1:12:57

really crime, you've technically committed. You're not a weapons

1:12:59

dealer, you're not a spy. We think, we appreciate

1:13:02

not. Like 99%, you know. And

1:13:04

the only thing you've done is like not

1:13:06

had a license to go to the gold mine

1:13:09

area, like the mountain. You're meant to have a license,

1:13:11

that bro, but shit happens, no problem. You

1:13:13

know, minimum six months sentence, I

1:13:16

went in through the whole judicial system, that was

1:13:18

chill. And then- You went through the

1:13:20

whole judicial system? Yeah,

1:13:22

quite briefly, quite quick. It was just like, yeah,

1:13:25

no, fine. That's like- You

1:13:27

went to court in Afghanistan, there's like a

1:13:29

judge hearing your case out, you had a lawyer and all that stuff.

1:13:32

It's not like

1:13:34

a lawyer, but they have like a commander and stuff

1:13:36

and he's present the evidence. I think he's- Like

1:13:39

a military. Okay. Yeah, it's

1:13:41

quick, quick, quick. I like you that way. And

1:13:43

they were like, don't you kill. Yeah,

1:13:46

they were like, Mars, you are a guy. They're like, you're the

1:13:48

bridge between the British or European

1:13:50

governments and like the Afghan

1:13:53

government. You could be like only 50%

1:13:55

of that. No, don't go back. Just

1:13:57

do your own thing, the Taliban. Go

1:14:00

back to the Britain thing. Yeah, okay,

1:14:02

okay, yeah, yeah, keep going, sorry. Yeah,

1:14:05

no, sure, mate, it was hilarious. So I was there like,

1:14:07

I'm your guy. I'm like, yeah, you're our guy, bro. And

1:14:10

I was like, okay, what do I do, dude? And

1:14:12

they were like, you can come back afterwards,

1:14:14

most likely, if you want to, but we're going to give you some good

1:14:16

conditions. You know, small crime, small,

1:14:19

minimal security prison. You know, it's like you're treated

1:14:22

nice, but if you actually are a spy or a murderer,

1:14:24

you go to the maximum security

1:14:26

prison, you know what I mean? Yeah. And

1:14:28

then I was like, come on, you allowed some things from

1:14:31

your personal possessions. You can't have your phone, of course.

1:14:33

And I was like, what about my laptop? And

1:14:35

they were like, fuck it, Gabby laptop. You go write

1:14:37

another book. I was like, yeah, if you don't mind. They're like, yeah,

1:14:39

that's perfect, man. They were like, do you want a Bible? I was like, hell, you don't

1:14:41

want a Bible. I was like, yeah, it's all good. Trick question.

1:14:44

Trick question. The Bible. Trick

1:14:46

question. You should have said Quran. I asked

1:14:48

them. I asked them like, hey, you chill with the Bible. They're like, yeah,

1:14:50

yeah. I was like, you chill with all religions. And they were like, yeah, I'm going to do

1:14:52

it. And they were like, yeah, I'm not sure of

1:14:54

Jews, either. And

1:15:02

I started laughing.

1:15:07

I went on a whole skit

1:15:09

so rant about the Rothschilds and all

1:15:11

the banks and stuff. And I was showing them,

1:15:13

I said, keep me my phone

1:15:15

for a second. They were like, yeah, it's cool. And I showed

1:15:17

them all my memes and stuff.

1:15:20

Not memes, but like... America's Downfall,

1:15:22

the Fascism, whatever they have, Rousselt movies.

1:15:24

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. This

1:15:27

is the live chat I showed them this video.

1:15:30

Oh,

1:15:31

he posted something?

1:15:33

Yeah, he posted something in there. Yeah,

1:15:36

scrolling, but my mouse is always busted.

1:15:38

Yeah, it's basically, you

1:15:41

know that funny family guy video

1:15:43

where like the fat dad's just eating

1:15:45

all the food and the children are starving around his? John

1:15:48

Goodman. Yeah, that one. Yes,

1:15:50

man. That one's John Goodman's

1:15:52

labeled with Israel and the other children

1:15:54

are like America, Europe, small business,

1:15:56

the government. And they were

1:15:59

like, you don't like Jews or stuff. Like, nah, man,

1:16:01

no big fans to be fair. Like I'm Christian, you

1:16:03

know, one struggle brother. And they were like, fair

1:16:05

enough, my dude. And they were like, yeah, my dude.

1:16:08

It's like a South Park episode when Cartman stays up

1:16:10

all night talking to the Taliban. It's like, guys, they

1:16:12

told me some stuff about, I told them some stuff about

1:16:15

Jews, they didn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,

1:16:18

man, I was like, I was throwing out like all the statistics

1:16:20

and stuff. I was like, yeah, all these, all

1:16:22

these like newscasts and stuff, and they were like nodding.

1:16:24

The politics, we haven't tried this angle. So

1:16:27

tell us a little more about that. I'm trying

1:16:30

to find the thing you posted in the live

1:16:32

stream. Yeah,

1:16:34

so if you're on Discord, just take the little top

1:16:36

right chat button with

1:16:39

our faces on it, and it'll come up with the

1:16:42

live show chat right over the bottom.

1:16:45

Oh, I'll just send a dot right now. Okay.

1:16:49

Like I was just saying. Oh, oh, oh, I see a three.

1:16:51

Oh, okay, there. Here

1:16:54

we go. Yeah. Oh, yeah,

1:16:56

okay. Gotcha, okay, he's got it.

1:17:01

So you showed that to the Taliban, and it warmed their hearts.

1:17:03

Right. Oh, there's a cockrove of

1:17:05

their hearts. So true, man. The sub

1:17:08

cockrove, yeah. They were like, you're all right,

1:17:10

to be fair. They were like, you're

1:17:12

a guy, Miles. I'm your guy. And I told

1:17:14

them about the gold mine as well. Join me in paragations.

1:17:17

They walk in my room. They walk

1:17:19

in my room like. Gold, we got to get this

1:17:21

gold out of the hills before they come in and take it, right? Guys, you're all in, right?

1:17:23

Let's go. Yeah, we'll try. I

1:17:26

like how they seem to be really up on their like western

1:17:28

slang. Like my guy, like. Yeah, are

1:17:30

they? Can they all

1:17:32

speak English? The high ropes

1:17:34

can speak good English. They've got to translate it. All

1:17:36

the ones in the house spoke like five words. But

1:17:39

they were funny. There was one guy, he was like

1:17:41

a comedian with five words. He made

1:17:44

it work. You know what I mean? It was just chill.

1:17:46

So he would go into my room, and

1:17:48

he would see my laptop to watch some anime and

1:17:50

stuff. And he would go, what? What?

1:17:53

You? Miles, laptop,

1:17:56

Miles sleeping, laptop, finish. And

1:17:58

I would just say motion, but I would. pick him up and

1:18:00

stick his head in the toilet if he did that. And

1:18:03

we would just high five and laugh together. If

1:18:07

Iqbal was listening to this, shout out to Iqbal,

1:18:09

man. He was chill. I love Iqbal. What is his name? Say his

1:18:11

name again. Iqbal. Iqbal. Iqbal?

1:18:15

Yes, man. Okay, so what month is

1:18:17

this? When you're describing...

1:18:19

Yeah. Like month one and a half, man. So

1:18:21

I'm just chilling. I'm watching

1:18:24

movies. And then also as

1:18:26

well, man, like, oh, yeah, Moles, you got arrested by that

1:18:28

thousand dollars. So here you go. You can spend

1:18:30

that. And I realized, holy shit, this is

1:18:32

half a year's salary in Afghanistan. So

1:18:35

I started partying, man. I'm ordering takeaway

1:18:37

and stuff. I'm like sending... I

1:18:39

got like... Takeaways? You can buy... Yeah,

1:18:41

you can buy one packet of chips for five

1:18:44

cents. So

1:18:46

you can see what I was doing there. What's a brand?

1:18:49

Oh, it's just this Afghan brand,

1:18:51

but it's solid to be paid. It has like a lot of soy

1:18:53

slop in it, but I love it, man. Yeah. Do

1:18:56

they have drugs or liquor or anything like

1:18:58

that or nothing? No, no liquor.

1:19:00

But to be fair, I did ask them if I could

1:19:02

take some steroids, but they said no. You

1:19:06

had them with you? No,

1:19:08

no, I was like, I was like, hey, if there was a

1:19:10

legal, can I go get some from a pharmacy? No, I was

1:19:12

not allowed. But I had the idea of

1:19:14

if I'm going to be here a long time, I'm going to

1:19:17

buy some gym equipment, just find

1:19:19

myself tons of eggs every day and just ruin

1:19:21

myself. I come out huge because it'll be funny,

1:19:23

you know? They're afraid you'll take... They're afraid

1:19:25

you'll rambo out or something. They'll take it over.

1:19:27

Oh, yeah. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, right? Exactly.

1:19:30

You're building M16s. Can't have you juice it

1:19:32

in there. OK, so you set

1:19:34

up... You

1:19:36

kind of acclimate to

1:19:38

the prison situation.

1:19:41

And then at some point you... I

1:19:43

don't know if this is true, but at some point you get a tour

1:19:46

of Osama bin Laden's caves. That's

1:19:48

coming up. So we sent me down to our

1:19:51

calls. We like YouTube videos. If you

1:19:53

want a tour of Tora Bora, like bin Laden's

1:19:55

caves, next time you come, we'll give you

1:19:57

a military escort and stuff. And we'll just show

1:19:59

you around. You make a good video. I'm like

1:20:02

how young would take the offer? Yeah right now

1:20:04

Yeah, sometimes when I'm out come out

1:20:06

prisoner, of course I've been out like well two

1:20:09

weeks three weeks I just I just facetime

1:20:11

the Taliban just call him up and

1:20:14

we just send memes to a government stuff It's solid.

1:20:16

We just uh, yeah Yeah

1:20:21

So you know, sorry, yeah, are you

1:20:23

out of the country now? No, I'm

1:20:25

sadly in this very dangerous place called England mate.

1:20:28

It's okay. What's the story? I'm a man by

1:20:30

criminals. Yeah, okay By

1:20:32

brown people. It's very cringe. Well,

1:20:35

okay. Well, let's go back to month two

1:20:37

like Once you're used

1:20:39

to your your life in Afghanistan

1:20:41

what it's gonna be always like month two on

1:20:44

after that Yeah, so

1:20:46

I would have a routine so I would wake

1:20:48

up. I would listen to music. I'm listening to the system

1:20:50

down This is some abo. I get

1:20:52

some eggs and some like nan. I

1:20:54

season it. I work out the Taliban I've

1:20:57

got a good routine going and then I'm

1:21:00

just chilling at this point and every week

1:21:02

I meetings with the commander like

1:21:04

one of their heads saw over minutes of stuff

1:21:07

and I saw a point together like business documents

1:21:09

on my laptop like Slideshows on

1:21:11

like how to improve economy and stuff

1:21:13

and the goldmine. They're really interested So

1:21:15

I'm like pitching stuff to them because I see

1:21:17

it's like a networking event almost Just

1:21:22

so I'm clear so you're in trouble You're

1:21:25

basically serving out like a like a house

1:21:27

arrest for the for not

1:21:29

having a goldmine in limbo

1:21:33

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you still having

1:21:35

a permit to go to a mountain so they're like that's

1:21:37

the crash Yeah, but like I got

1:21:40

to do it by the rule book He did do something wrong,

1:21:42

but it's like it's like, you know nothing serious. You know, it's

1:21:44

like jaywalking. They just they're like a weather

1:21:50

That's a hell of a jaywalking ticket. Yeah. Yeah Yeah,

1:21:53

okay. So you're putting together your your PowerPoint

1:21:56

to essentially get access to the goldmine basically.

1:21:58

Yes, right I'm just

1:22:01

like, I actually put on one of those

1:22:03

charts that just shows like money

1:22:06

and time and just like a straight line up. And

1:22:08

I'm like, how is it wrong? But

1:22:12

if I saw a goldmine, how is that not wrong? I'm

1:22:16

like big gift crew. And I get a show to them. They're

1:22:19

like, yeah, Well, how much gold is in the

1:22:21

hills in Afghanistan? A lad? Yes.

1:22:25

I'm looking at this one place in Kunar province.

1:22:27

So the Americans took over geological surveys.

1:22:29

So we know exactly how much there is minimum $200

1:22:32

million. Oh, China's

1:22:36

not coming in to take it or Russia.

1:22:39

It's gonna be you. It's the best. It's

1:22:41

even funnier thing, man. So China has like all the

1:22:43

northern provinces, they pay $350 million for all the mining rights for

1:22:47

next like 100 years or whatever. Yeah. So

1:22:50

they've got like huge mines going on. I've

1:22:52

picked this area down south that China is not

1:22:54

interested in. So I spoke to Chinese people during

1:22:57

my, during my detention. They're like, yeah,

1:23:00

we're not really interested in going down north. We're focusing

1:23:02

on the Belt and Road stuff right now. But

1:23:04

that's because of the Afghans. And they're like, yeah, we don't

1:23:06

want to get, we want to diversify because we don't want

1:23:08

China obviously having too much power to see what's happening

1:23:10

in Africa. But when I come home to England,

1:23:13

I go to some big bankers. I used to be,

1:23:15

I used to be my circle. So I go to some big

1:23:17

bankers, some institutional investors

1:23:20

and they go, holy shit, Miles, we can win the

1:23:22

mineral war against China. China's going to take

1:23:24

over the whole of Afghanistan, but we're going to stop

1:23:26

them, Miles. We need to, we need to win economically

1:23:28

in Afghanistan. So once

1:23:31

struggle, maybe fund your gold mine.

1:23:34

So I'm like, I can't tell you how much

1:23:36

money. What could go wrong? What could possibly go

1:23:38

wrong? Yeah, go ahead.

1:23:40

Go ahead. So

1:23:43

yeah, so I've been to like so many meetings and

1:23:45

sometimes I get offered like $750,000 for

1:23:48

the gold mine just to start it. Yeah. You

1:23:51

know what I mean? Yeah. You don't want

1:23:53

that or is that what you look, you're looking for more?

1:23:56

Well, to be fair, we're going to, we're

1:23:59

going to. big world institutions

1:24:01

right now. So I can't say who, but

1:24:03

we're looking at high

1:24:06

seven, high eight figures, maybe even

1:24:08

more. I

1:24:11

won't believe anything until it comes to

1:24:13

pollution. Yeah. We're putting together

1:24:15

basically. I've got a call with 6 a.m. with New

1:24:17

York right now. We're

1:24:20

putting this together like it's professional. They're

1:24:23

sending me their CVs and documents.

1:24:25

They've written up professional documents. So there's a ton

1:24:28

of overworked interns being called

1:24:30

to my fucking project because every

1:24:32

company wants in, which is funny. Now, I

1:24:35

had a Taliban. Are they going to be cool

1:24:37

with a New York bank being involved?

1:24:39

I mean, you know, sure. Just

1:24:42

judging the temperature of the, you

1:24:45

know, now that you're that they're

1:24:47

like, oh, two faces bankers along some of

1:24:49

the government's, they always want to cut the money.

1:24:52

Yeah. But it won't sound because

1:24:55

they realize, you know, where's somebody who will come

1:24:57

from? They know I'm British and British is

1:24:59

I like to America and Europe. So it's like,

1:25:01

they're cool with it. As long as it just creates

1:25:04

them. Yeah. As long as

1:25:06

they're as long as everyone's friendly, as everyone

1:25:08

agrees on stuff, you know, it was

1:25:10

chill. As long as Israel's life of we're all happy.

1:25:13

Don't you worry that England is

1:25:15

going to be kind of up in your shit that you're, you

1:25:17

know, possibly a terrorist. I mean, that's still the

1:25:19

narrative, right? The Taliban are terrorists. So

1:25:21

I mean, you're kind of buddy buddies with the Taliban. I

1:25:23

don't know. Like, good question. They're not even

1:25:26

classified as terrorists legally. Legally,

1:25:28

they've never been. They've

1:25:30

always been classified as freedom fighters. So I can sell

1:25:32

Taliban much, no problems. But when

1:25:34

I saw some, when I saw some like,

1:25:37

what's it called? When I saw some ISIS

1:25:39

denards for sale, like, you know, the gold

1:25:41

coins, I could buy them obviously, they are terrorists.

1:25:44

Wow. Gotcha.

1:25:47

Mujahideen, they're freedom fighters. Sure.

1:25:49

Yeah. See Rambo 3, Sean? Yeah. So was

1:25:51

there any, was there any point during

1:25:53

your stay where you were? No, I'm saying is you

1:25:55

were relabeling something doesn't work. You

1:25:57

know, I like it. Sometimes it does. The

1:26:00

new mascot comes back to the clown. He didn't kill nobody.

1:26:02

New mascot. Yeah. Was

1:26:04

there any point where you were afraid that you were going to get

1:26:07

killed? Like, uh oh, this joke

1:26:09

has gone on like too far. I wore out my welcome.

1:26:12

I said something wrong. I don't understand

1:26:14

a translation. Like, they're going to kill me. I

1:26:16

did say something wrong, but I didn't think I was going to be killed,

1:26:19

but I thought it was going to be awkward. They

1:26:21

burst out laughing. So every single day

1:26:23

we would have one guy drive by the house

1:26:26

and he would shell out, like,

1:26:28

cune, mink, cune. And I was like, what's

1:26:30

cune? What's kuna? And then I went

1:26:32

to the tire band and went, she

1:26:33

kuna. And she means what in kuna.

1:26:36

You know, I was like, what's kuna mean? What

1:26:38

do you mean English? They burst out laughing. They're,

1:26:40

you know, crying and stuff. And I'm thinking, okay,

1:26:43

I said something, but I don't know what

1:26:45

it is. But I had a big meeting with the ministers.

1:26:47

This is like the equivalent of Congress. So

1:26:49

when I met the tire band Congress... Wait,

1:26:52

is there equivalent of Congress? What do you

1:26:54

mean? That's their... Really?

1:26:56

Yeah, yeah. Like,

1:26:57

I met like the minister of tourism. I met

1:27:00

the minister of something else. All these

1:27:02

fucking ministers, they're just chill. They're just chilling

1:27:04

out. So I... Yeah, so I meet

1:27:07

one of them and I go, she kuna. And

1:27:09

they started for a few seconds. And I explained how

1:27:12

I heard it and they burst out laughing. And

1:27:14

I miss... Apparently, in kuna means man-pussy.

1:27:19

Imagine going to Congress, just standing in front

1:27:22

of a ruffling of papers with a business presentation

1:27:24

going, what's man-pussy? What did

1:27:26

you think it meant? Good morning? I

1:27:28

don't know. That's what I was

1:27:30

fucking asking. I was like, I hear this every single

1:27:33

day in the morning. Okay.

1:27:34

Yeah, I was like, I just

1:27:36

want to show that I'm trying to learn the

1:27:39

language a little bit. Yeah. I

1:27:41

must watch after night when I'm curious. And

1:27:43

they just always funny at the end. And then I learned

1:27:45

that kus means pussy. So I'm

1:27:47

like, shit, man. I'm learning all the dolangue language

1:27:49

in Afghanistan. But it's chill. Honestly, that's the

1:27:51

best way to learn the language. You

1:27:54

always learn the slang and the bad words first

1:27:56

in any language. You gotta learn man-pussy first.

1:27:58

That's the one you go for. Okay, so

1:28:01

how was when did you find out that you were

1:28:03

going home? Like how did after after

1:28:05

eight months at what point they You

1:28:08

got to be like resigned to living there, right

1:28:10

at what point they say. All right, you're at we're actually

1:28:12

gonna let you go Yeah,

1:28:15

so sorry it was

1:28:16

I was meant to be there for only six months But

1:28:19

the Bruce government of the Afghan government was

1:28:21

so slow a paperwork

1:28:23

because you know, there's no embassy I think

1:28:27

Change Paperwork

1:28:30

so I was sitting there. I was thinking

1:28:32

I'm gonna be here a lot longer. Fuck me You know,

1:28:35

I'm going to escape plan mentally How

1:28:38

would you how would your escape plan go? How

1:28:40

would you just walk out the window mate?

1:28:42

I was there was an open window right now express.

1:28:45

Okay No,

1:28:49

it's like it's like if I want to spend a year bells

1:28:51

like ah, geez I need it I need to do my taxes

1:28:54

and I was like, yeah Venturing

1:28:58

into a Christmas presents for everybody.

1:29:00

Yeah, I've got a little of love,

1:29:02

you know, I mean, yeah, where are your friends?

1:29:06

Are they go they got sent straight to

1:29:08

England? So they one

1:29:11

of them's coming back with me one of them's chill the other

1:29:13

guy who ratted me out who is just a dick He's

1:29:16

just he's just keeping

1:29:18

to himself now. He's got a hang on with Education.

1:29:21

So yeah, I basically they walked

1:29:23

into my room and they were like some

1:29:25

I was you go be deported tomorrow So

1:29:28

and I was like I was like big if true but

1:29:30

good one I thought it was just kidding with me

1:29:33

Any joke with you like that when

1:29:35

you were there like fuck with you like are you going home tomorrow?

1:29:37

I know really They weren't fucking with

1:29:39

me. So what I would do I every

1:29:41

time we heard like a helicopter or some noise I would

1:29:44

go. Oh, that's a British special forces. They're coming

1:29:46

in two minutes First

1:29:50

time I did that first time I did that literally

1:29:52

ten seconds later the electricity goes

1:29:54

out

1:29:54

I'm

1:30:00

kidding. I'm like, heh, heh. Too

1:30:02

bad no jokes about that. So then they would

1:30:04

sometimes go to me and they would go, Marv, you go to

1:30:06

the port in 10 seconds. You've got to run to the

1:30:08

airport. And I was like, ah, God. Yeah.

1:30:11

We're

1:30:11

just fucking around a bit, Trevor. We've got good sense

1:30:13

of humor. I'm cool with it. They're cool with it.

1:30:16

But at one point they say, yeah, you go to the port. I

1:30:18

was like, really? And I'm like, yeah, gather your stuff. And

1:30:20

I'm thinking maybe I'm moving somewhere else. I

1:30:22

speak to the other people in detention.

1:30:25

I'm just like, I'll see you guys later. I'll

1:30:27

see you next time I get arrested. I was shaking their

1:30:29

hands. I'd like to tell you about the other people out of the

1:30:31

way. They're hilarious. And then the

1:30:34

commanders meet me and he's not handing

1:30:36

me my goods. They're like, here's your drone. Here's your phone.

1:30:39

I turned my phone's first time like, oh, I've got a

1:30:41

fuck ton of notifications. Turns

1:30:44

out I saw the Taliban. You

1:30:46

can see usage on the iPhone. Turns out the Taliban

1:30:48

were playing like chess on my phone, which I think is kind

1:30:50

of cool. And they had a good rating, I think. I

1:30:53

can't remember why it was, but like, it's pretty good. He was

1:30:55

stopped. Don't embarrass me. Like don't pose

1:30:57

as me in a chess thing and then do stupid stuff. Yeah. Like

1:30:59

chess or

1:31:03

anything like that. What's

1:31:05

that? Are you guys intellectuals? Do

1:31:07

you guys play chess? No, no, no,

1:31:09

I don't, I don't play chess. I don't either. I play F zero.

1:31:12

Oh, that's fucking the chess of course.

1:31:15

Yeah. It's the chess. Yeah. No, I

1:31:17

get that too. Like the Queen's Gambia was getting

1:31:19

his hell. So yeah, I relate. It

1:31:21

really ruined chess for me. If a woman could do it, I don't

1:31:23

want any part of that. Yeah. And you have a

1:31:25

woman in real life. I looked at the real

1:31:27

life woman. The movie is based off. She's like some fat

1:31:29

retard, basically. So

1:31:32

it's not as sexy as we thought it was,

1:31:34

which is even funnier. Yeah. But

1:31:37

yeah, basically they had me all the stuff. They started giving

1:31:39

me gifts and stuff. And I'm like, hell yeah. And

1:31:41

I'm like, Miles, you come back anytime. You have brother, you have

1:31:44

friends. Sorry about this whole thing happening. We

1:31:46

would have released you sooner if we were allowed. We

1:31:48

tried appealing it to you. I was like, hell yeah.

1:31:51

And they started trash talking the other prisoners to

1:31:53

me like the other. The other guys. they

1:32:00

looked shell shocked because they were in the maximum

1:32:02

security prison. Yeah. And they were like, they

1:32:04

didn't know I was there and I knew those blokes. So

1:32:06

they were like, they were like, oh shit, you're there.

1:32:09

And I was like, hey, dude, how was your holiday?

1:32:11

And then it's like, fuck off. It's like, um,

1:32:14

so the time when he called me with one side and he goes, these

1:32:16

guys are spies, Miles, you're right. But these

1:32:19

guys are welcome back. And I'm laughing

1:32:21

my ass off like, Oh, wow.

1:32:24

Yeah. So they actually were British spies. I

1:32:28

that's what they convicted of. I assume. Wow.

1:32:32

I'm not too sure. Wild man. How

1:32:35

lucky are you? Like it seems like you

1:32:37

just fucking lucked out not getting thrown

1:32:40

in the Mac maximum security prison,

1:32:42

but but I don't know like maybe you just do

1:32:45

it my way through it. Like when they came in

1:32:47

to interrogate me, I literally would stand

1:32:49

up and I would say welcome to my office. Come

1:32:51

take a seat. Thanks. Thanks for

1:32:54

coming on time. Sorry for letting you a little

1:32:56

bit late for office is crazy. Like men

1:32:58

dog. We're talking them. He's

1:33:01

you know, crazy them like

1:33:03

like this guy's kind of hilarious. Muhammad

1:33:05

Ali, right? Yeah.

1:33:08

You know, do you know what bane maxing

1:33:09

is? You know when people like a you

1:33:11

know, bane off Batman and you pretend to be

1:33:13

him by telling some of his lines. Yeah.

1:33:16

Okay. I get it now. Yeah. Yeah.

1:33:19

I would do the same thing with lawns of Arabia. Did

1:33:23

they know movie quotes like I mean,

1:33:26

no, no, you can say whatever you want.

1:33:28

You could be whatever character you want.

1:33:33

I had the movie on my laptop. So I was watching it

1:33:35

and I was one scene where one of the geezers

1:33:37

one of the guys goes like the Lord of

1:33:40

Arabia or something. He goes, you know,

1:33:42

like in Arabia. 500 years

1:33:45

ago, we had loads of public lighting

1:33:47

when London was just a village and he said,

1:33:49

yes, this was a very great time. For us. And he

1:33:52

goes time to be great again, my

1:33:54

Lord. So I went to the Taliban and said, did

1:33:56

you know that Afghanistan once had an empire

1:33:58

that span into Iran?

1:33:59

and Pakistan once ruled

1:34:02

a great kingdom that was feared by

1:34:04

the whole of Asia and they were like, yes, it's

1:34:06

a good time for us. I'm like, time to be

1:34:08

great again. They smiled from

1:34:10

ear to ear. I was just laughing.

1:34:13

I laughed. I just basically thought,

1:34:15

how should this man

1:34:17

Have you sold the movie

1:34:19

rights to this yet? No, no, no,

1:34:21

no, no, no, no, no, because

1:34:24

like, I don't know what producer

1:34:26

would go with me. You know what I mean? I've got the book.

1:34:29

That's kind of,

1:34:30

uh, yeah, let me ask. That's

1:34:32

fucking great. Um, it's like Argo,

1:34:35

but I'm watching movies of

1:34:37

Arabia and redoing them. And oh my

1:34:39

God, you got someone that could

1:34:41

be up for the movie deal. Yeah, I know somebody.

1:34:44

Uh, I'll ask him. Um, go

1:34:46

ahead. Um, is

1:34:48

it that guy who made passion for Christ? No,

1:34:50

I wish. What

1:34:56

was it like coming back to, um, the

1:34:59

West Western civilization, which is horrible?

1:35:01

Yeah. So when I arrived in Dubai,

1:35:04

you had British foreign office right there and

1:35:06

they, like, they grabbed me by my shoulders

1:35:09

and they were like, it's okay. You're safe. Oh,

1:35:12

you're okay. Yeah.

1:35:14

Okay. They were like, they were like,

1:35:16

perhaps you were speaking under duress. You know

1:35:18

what you were, when we called you of a

1:35:21

supervised course, I had supervised calls like every

1:35:23

week. I was chill like that. And I told

1:35:25

him good conditions. A paymate just thought I was like being

1:35:27

forced to say that. And I was like, no, it's really

1:35:30

good. I still got some spare money on me from my trip

1:35:32

to the market the other day. Sorry

1:35:34

about this. I'm some wet swim

1:35:36

shorts from the time I went, uh, I

1:35:38

went to the water park. Anyway, guys.

1:35:41

Yeah. So here's the thing too. They, they greeted

1:35:43

me with a bunch of burgers. I called

1:35:45

them and the first call they would like, Mars,

1:35:48

you need anything done for you? Like you say critical

1:35:50

stuff you need done at home. Yeah. Yeah.

1:35:52

Do you have a pen and a paper ready? I need this

1:35:54

down. He's being exactly what I say. And

1:35:57

I give him like a food order. I'm like, when I guess how

1:35:59

I want exactly this. burger from

1:36:01

this restaurant and they want to get this many

1:36:03

pickles and I want this much cheese and

1:36:05

I'm just they're like okay and

1:36:08

they do it for me and they

1:36:10

also say oh yeah your flights home to England are free

1:36:12

I'm like oh yeah so I'm just goofing

1:36:15

off on the taxpayer money you know what I mean um

1:36:17

and they buy me like you know a hotel

1:36:20

stay they give me free clothes uh

1:36:22

and I'm just like hell yeah and they say where

1:36:25

you going after this miles uh you're going like

1:36:27

to Spain or something you're going to like Italy for holiday

1:36:29

I was like yeah I like Gaza that seems

1:36:32

quite cool oh yeah yeah

1:36:34

yeah I figured you would be going there are

1:36:36

you going to Gaza

1:36:37

are you going to try to get in there oh dude

1:36:39

I don't know they won't pay for that

1:36:41

no I got invited by both sides so

1:36:43

I've got like some IDF guys I just hold

1:36:45

on for like you know just for like information

1:36:48

stuff I'm not friends with anyone but basically

1:36:50

they were like miles come down make some propaganda

1:36:53

I'm like no I'm good they're gonna

1:36:55

be yeah I've got some Hamas contacts

1:36:57

they're like miles we would love you to come down and

1:36:59

I can't say the tie banner there but uh wink

1:37:02

wink you know so then like if you want to come film

1:37:04

and I'm like hey if I hang out with them I get sanctioned

1:37:07

ah geez I'm stuck between two hard

1:37:09

places but the British foreign officer

1:37:11

pissed off like miles you just came out of that eight month arrest

1:37:15

in fucking Afghanistan all the other guys

1:37:17

here are like in shell shock uh

1:37:19

you are not going on another holiday you're coming home

1:37:21

to be debrief and I was like I

1:37:24

was like yeah I'm going back to Afghanistan a few weeks so

1:37:26

I know you're fucking not I was like yeah I got invited formally

1:37:28

I've got like a I got this piece of paper

1:37:31

if I can do whatever I get yeah I gotta get the gold

1:37:35

they're opening a water park exactly

1:37:37

exactly they signed you go is everything you

1:37:40

told us correct I was like yeah I was like an understatement

1:37:42

to be fair I just go through all the stuff I told

1:37:44

you guys and they're like they're

1:37:46

like uh like we you're technically

1:37:48

the best pre-did prisoner and

1:37:51

it seems like you're essential just just

1:37:53

be careful miles fucking out I was like yeah it's all

1:37:55

good man just had a lovely holiday and yeah

1:37:58

everyone thinks I'm just

1:37:59

Like the British people

1:38:02

would be British like Secret Service or whatever

1:38:04

would be more suspicious of you coming back

1:38:09

I thought so too I thought when I got back I was

1:38:11

gonna be deprieved and they were speaking for like 10 hours

1:38:14

and all this other stuff Yeah, but they're just they

1:38:16

just leave me to my own thing So when I flew

1:38:18

and met and you take Romania, I

1:38:21

went to the airport like five hours early expecting

1:38:23

to be fucking tackled or something Yeah,

1:38:26

I'm just chilling I mean, have you guys ever had an

1:38:28

airport issues for your your your

1:38:31

stuff? I mean, I didn't get let into Australia,

1:38:33

but yeah, I was just a visa. That was

1:38:36

visa Unluckiness,

1:38:38

I guess. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I mean

1:38:40

I've never had any issues

1:38:43

with going anywhere. I have more banking issues

1:38:45

anything else Yeah, right Yeah,

1:38:48

ridiculous. No, I've got like I've got 12 credit

1:38:51

cards and about great credit score so I

1:38:53

can max out about 250 thousand

1:38:56

dollars worth of credit and it's like Just

1:38:59

like my great German grandfather and just disappear

1:39:07

Yeah credit cards have this system where

1:39:09

within 10 minutes I'm acting on credit card

1:39:12

alerts all the other bank counts, right, you

1:39:14

know It restricts us. It's

1:39:16

called a cash out scheme or something

1:39:19

So if you just open like 20 tabs on your laptop

1:39:21

click send send send send send Send I

1:39:24

mean quickly, you know board a plane or whatever

1:39:26

if you're already there. Yeah, they know Yeah,

1:39:29

exactly just disappear man to be there. I

1:39:31

mean, I hope you don't have to hit that

1:39:33

plan Z anytime soon I mean

1:39:35

if you'll sense what happened the Indian government

1:39:38

tries to screw me over you want me on my

1:39:40

face knees on them You know how it is man. Yeah

1:39:44

What's your what's your

1:39:47

what's your like your bucket list of

1:39:49

the most dangerous areas to go that you haven't been

1:39:51

Yeah, I want to yeah, Los

1:39:53

Angeles yeah

1:39:57

I

1:40:00

basically want to go to the Darien Gap, so that's

1:40:02

quite soon, about two months maybe, maybe

1:40:05

three months after Christmas. What's

1:40:08

the Darien Gap? Are there cannibals

1:40:10

there? Oh, to be fair, there might

1:40:12

be. I mean, I've heard stories, but you

1:40:14

know between Panama and Colombia, there's

1:40:17

like this map, 80 miles wide,

1:40:20

it's along, it's basically, it's

1:40:22

really mountainous, it's a huge jungle.

1:40:25

It's basically got like these people called the fox,

1:40:28

and they're basically drug smugglers.

1:40:30

So

1:40:31

anyone who goes through their territory gets stopped

1:40:33

up, like women just get disappeared, men

1:40:35

just get like, everything gets robbed off you.

1:40:37

So I'm going to buy a hand gun off Pablo Escobar's

1:40:40

brother, because I know that

1:40:42

guy, as you do. And then

1:40:44

I'm going to cross it, and I'm going to have to

1:40:46

go back the other way. That's the reason you can't drive

1:40:48

from Argentina to

1:40:52

Alaska. That's where

1:40:54

all the refugees that go to the US Mexican

1:40:56

border come from, if they're like

1:40:58

from India or something, because they can't get visas

1:41:01

for most of North America. So they

1:41:03

go through stuff that way, and there's no

1:41:05

rope. Okay, you're not going to bring

1:41:07

like a little mini army with you

1:41:09

when you go? You're just going to, you and a handgun from Pablo

1:41:12

Escobar's cousin or

1:41:14

brother? Yeah, if I can't do my

1:41:16

way out of this situation, what's the point, man? You

1:41:18

know what I mean?

1:41:20

Just bring the guy who says the N word all the time.

1:41:23

Yeah.

1:41:24

That's it. Wait,

1:41:27

did you guys get a hold of my friend who says the N word all the

1:41:29

time? Right, 93 times on record. Me

1:41:31

right here, actually. My friend

1:41:34

who spent two weeks there, two weeks,

1:41:36

he was just sitting in a room, just chilling. He

1:41:38

tells everyone, oh, I survived.

1:41:42

I conquered death. I'm like, you fucking

1:41:44

coward. What did you do? You did shit all. You

1:41:47

pussy, pretty much. What

1:41:49

makes you want to do all this? What's your

1:41:52

deal? What's wrong with you? I

1:41:55

just had to deal with Tardy, man. I think we caught a late there. You know

1:41:57

what I mean? I'm not really British. Like, this is

1:41:59

a... type of British

1:42:01

like genetic retardation

1:42:04

that you guys have. We haven't seen it a long time,

1:42:06

but you have it clearly. We got to climb Everest.

1:42:08

Right. Right. We have to go to South Africa

1:42:10

and colonize this whole fucking continent. What do you want me

1:42:12

to do? I do

1:42:14

want to bring back through Disha. It

1:42:19

would be way better off. You know

1:42:21

what I mean? Yeah. Well,

1:42:23

often the English too, but that's a long story. What

1:42:26

did, yeah, go ahead. Sorry. That's

1:42:29

right. The English had a great mindset

1:42:31

of just colonizing, uh, pee,

1:42:33

pee, poo, poo people and just goofing off on

1:42:35

them. You know what I mean? Like that's, that's based.

1:42:37

Why would you not do that if you were a core civilization

1:42:40

and the events was British people, but the

1:42:42

superior British people created this

1:42:44

thing called America. So all the adventurous types

1:42:47

left and it creates America. Only like

1:42:49

a very small percentage remained

1:42:51

that would chill and all the others would just became

1:42:53

cucked in that England today. So I'm

1:42:56

kind of like, I'm kind of like Pan

1:42:58

American almost.

1:42:58

You see what I mean? Like

1:43:01

about way. Yeah. You're a, you're a special type.

1:43:04

Stop making your type a long time ago. What

1:43:07

did the Taliban say about like, what was the,

1:43:09

what was a big problem for them? What did you hear most about

1:43:11

from the Taliban? Like they talk about women at all. They

1:43:15

kept saying like one of them said,

1:43:19

Oh, the government's keep asking

1:43:21

the women's rights. They were like, that's

1:43:23

a stupid thing. Because we do, I

1:43:25

think according to the Quran and to be

1:43:27

fair, like we treat women well in private.

1:43:30

It's like, you know, not, I just don't want men looking at

1:43:32

my women. I just don't want people sleeping around

1:43:34

like whores. What's wrong with

1:43:36

that? Why are they trying to change my religion? You

1:43:38

know, Saudi Arabia does it, but they get away

1:43:40

with it because they're rich and they, they got

1:43:43

genuinely emotional when they said that. So I was

1:43:45

like, yeah, I get that

1:43:46

too. So I can see better perspective. Yeah.

1:43:49

They also, yeah, they also

1:43:52

they didn't like the whole idea that

1:43:55

American spies, allies went to Skydome, like they're

1:43:57

constantly watching us, man. They're like, it really

1:43:59

pissed me off. they can just wipe

1:44:01

us out at any point. They're like, we need to. They

1:44:05

were like, we need, one of the jokes that they need

1:44:07

the Israeli iron dome type stuff. I was

1:44:09

like. So blow up our satellites, like Star

1:44:12

Wars. Yeah.

1:44:14

World War III happens. I need to convince the Taliban

1:44:16

to go against China and win a miracle to send

1:44:18

them trillions. You know what I mean? That's gonna happen

1:44:20

one day. Yeah. That's gonna

1:44:22

be happening. Ah, yeah, that's

1:44:25

one way to go. China shares

1:44:28

a border with Afghanistan.

1:44:29

Like a very small border. But

1:44:32

I basically just said, hey guys, I mean, you

1:44:34

got the whole Uyghur thing going on in that area.

1:44:37

If a war ever breaks out, you can just invade

1:44:39

that area, you know, save those

1:44:41

Muslims and just like, look, get some extra land,

1:44:44

goof off a little bit, maybe destroy Pakistan. You

1:44:47

know, that's why they like India, because they just all

1:44:49

hate Pakistan. So I was like, yeah, I was like, one

1:44:51