0:01

This girl wanted to call in today, but I'm like, I

0:03

don't, I can't handle a

0:05

girl today. I

0:10

don't think the audience can handle a girl

0:12

today. Was she a

0:14

special, a nice girl, but

0:17

she's fine. Yeah.

0:21

But she like one of them, one of

0:23

them E celebs. Yeah. Yeah.

0:26

She's a hot girl. Yeah. She's

0:29

a hot girl, you know, and she wanted to call

0:31

in. She wanted to call in.

0:33

It was her idea. Oh wow. But

0:35

I said, look, honey, it's

0:37

the C it's the season. It's the

0:39

holiday season. It is my

0:41

promise to the audience is that I

0:44

will not have any women call in

0:46

during the month of December

0:48

after Thanksgiving. Yeah. Until

0:51

the end of the year, unless they're

0:53

in studio. God, cause you know, right.

0:55

Call in. No, I can't. I

0:59

can't. I cannot do that.

1:01

Yeah. That's cause we've had it up to here with women

1:03

at this time of the year. Okay. Okay.

1:06

We've all gotten a text. This would be a great present for

1:08

me for Christmas. We've

1:11

all gotten, we've all had our fill

1:13

of them this week. Yeah.

1:16

That's enough. Put my foot down.

1:18

No, you should just, you

1:20

know, block the number. Block

1:25

all women calling my phone. Anybody who wants

1:27

a present, you know, did I stop? Oh

1:29

yeah. Good idea. Yeah. Do

1:32

you send me any presents? Set up my

1:34

fake credit card number. All the

1:36

purchases seem like they go through, but none of them went through

1:38

the special card. Um,

1:42

part of Chase's new line for men. You're

1:46

did you transact chase for men? That

1:49

transaction. Yeah. Totally went

1:51

through that. All those gifts were bought, but

1:53

then they don't ship or anything and no,

1:56

no notice or anything. You get

1:58

a letter. Chase sends you. Yeah. family

2:00

a letter handwritten from a

2:02

little boy in a factory in China

2:04

that says please don't make me work

2:06

on these presents during Christmas time right

2:09

I don't want to I want to stay home

2:11

and be with my mom and learn English Christmas

2:14

big in China Is that they don't know that

2:17

Yeah, these people that you're buying presents

2:19

for they don't know shit You

2:22

put them in the woods with nothing

2:24

dead within 24 hours within

2:26

24 hours. Yeah, they don't know anything Actually

2:28

speed up the dying process from lack of

2:30

food and water stupid. Yeah Yeah,

2:36

they're dead you think you know stay put

2:38

if you're lost don't don't move around Dad

2:42

make sure you don't freeze to death or

2:44

something and you know if there's any water

2:46

around probably a good idea I don't drink

2:48

it right right. I just drank

2:50

everything. I drank the dirt. I got so

2:52

thirsty Yeah, I started drinking leaves and stuff.

2:54

Yeah, I thought it might have been a

2:56

mirage So

2:59

you started drinking it well. Yeah, I

3:01

wanted it to go away in the cartoons you run

3:04

Goes away right you know so you see

3:07

your piece of my mental health I

3:10

know how it works How

3:14

was your Thanksgiving give it a Hamas out of 10 Oh Hamas

3:18

for good 10

3:21

Hamas for a bad Thanksgiving My probably

3:23

mine started it was good Hamas out

3:25

of 10 started yeah, yeah

3:29

But the Hamas thing went up it

3:32

did after I left get get a load

3:34

of this scam that my mom's running. Oh,

3:36

okay Apparently only

3:38

the women were told of this I Sure

3:41

wasn't told of it. Yeah, Whole Foods had

3:43

some kind of deal my mom.

3:46

We always have a big Thanksgiving dinner, right? Yeah,

3:48

big Thanksgiving dinner Got

3:51

my sister's family there My

3:54

parents, you know we go out there bring

3:56

the dog. Yeah, we breast we

3:58

dress our dog up like our son and put

4:00

her at the table. Good. Put

4:02

her in a little suit. Mm-hmm. Make

4:05

everyone use the wrong pronoun for her. Good.

4:08

Because you give them too much nonsense and

4:10

they lose track of the original nonsense. Right, right.

4:13

And your dog's not a, wait a minute, wait a

4:15

minute. I got too confused with the pronoun stuff you're

4:17

doing. It's how clever

4:19

writers get jokes past S&P. Like

4:22

they do the obvious ones where they

4:24

go, oh, we caught that blatant joke.

4:28

Then they got three other ones through that

4:30

are much more clever where it's like, I

4:32

can't believe they got that through. Yeah. It's

4:34

like, yeah, because if you feed the idiots. Here's one

4:37

that they're getting through right now. Elizabeth

4:39

Warren. Oh, wow. Right into it. We

4:42

don't need another private equity deal that could

4:44

lead to higher food prices for consumers. The

4:47

FTC is right to investigate whether

4:49

the purchase of Subway sandwiches by the

4:51

same firm that owns Jimmy John's and

4:54

McAllister's Deli creates a sandwich shop

4:56

monopoly. Why don't you blow your brains

4:58

out? You'll bitch. I mean, fuck

5:01

why don't you eat? Why don't you swallow

5:03

your dentures and choke to death on a

5:05

medical life alert bracelet? I mean, who

5:07

owns more? I mean, what about like, you

5:09

know, yum foods who owns all kinds of

5:11

fucking meat at this all or what about

5:13

mortgage rates or eight fucking percent? Yeah, yeah,

5:15

yeah. Yeah. I can't believe

5:18

that anyone would support Hamas. Why don't you read

5:20

that tweet out loud to somebody

5:22

else? Not in your head. Read

5:24

it fucking out loud about a

5:26

sandwich shop monopoly. You fucking idiot.

5:28

Yeah. How about that? That's

5:30

not the, you know, this anyone just worked

5:32

here on the idea. I don't know, man.

5:34

You're only fucking baffling why that would happen.

5:37

Holy shit. That

5:40

sandwich shot that gave a pedophile

5:42

millions of dollars might merge with

5:44

fucking Jimmy John. And then who

5:46

God only knows how expensive sandwiches

5:48

could be. They could be

5:50

a billion dollars. You gotta have

5:52

to go to Mike's. You gotta know.

5:54

Yeah. Well, let's take it

5:56

all the way to the top. Quizno. Who

5:59

owns? Who owns the very top of the

6:01

sandwich chain? Yeah. Yeah, it's a little matzah

6:03

said never mind. Never shut it down So

6:06

it's fine. The deal's fine. Never mind. Stop.

6:08

That's funny. Oh This

6:10

your uh, who the fuck is this? Don't answer it.

6:12

I don't know who that is Oh, I wasn't gonna

6:14

answer it. Am I not live on something? Oh, no

6:17

that means we never did

6:19

look is that Riley's new number Yeah, we

6:21

didn't look today Vimeo Ronbo

6:25

Let's see Oh Oh,

6:29

I know. No, I know what

6:31

it is. I know what

6:33

it is. He said I was gonna put that in

6:35

my startup thing There we

6:37

go. God damn it there There

6:40

there there there there. You just missed

6:42

the greatest seven minutes. This show has

6:44

ever done Fuck

6:47

now I gotta upload a fucking now the video

6:49

isn't gonna be matched up No, I have to

6:51

know I have to not to delete it. So

6:54

Ah God

6:58

damn it Anyway

7:02

Anyway, so gender was I'm a surgery

7:04

dick to my dog. What's

7:06

what's that with my dog with your dog

7:08

giving you were under reassignment Am

7:10

I yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God fucking

7:13

damn it. Now. I have to upload a

7:15

new thing Was

7:18

I saying about sandwiches Sandwich

7:20

monopoly They're gonna be who knows how much

7:22

oh you were saying there's a there's a

7:24

little guy with a hat at the top

7:26

or something Like that or that's your words.

7:28

Not mine. What is it? Oh, I said,

7:30

there's a guy with a little hat Oh

7:33

said there was a little guy with a hat You

7:35

know, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Right.

7:38

Sure. Sure So

7:43

Thanksgiving Perpetrating

7:45

and Thanksgiving. Okay. Yeah, how little is the

7:47

hat though? Yeah, like I'm Baseball

7:50

hat on me cuz that's small. I say

7:53

I wouldn't describe that as little A

7:58

little guy with a little hat Here's

8:02

the scam my mom's running on Thanksgiving. Yeah. It's

8:05

a whole some kind of a whole foods pack

8:07

like a Thanksgiving in a can that you get

8:09

and it's like a hundred bucks and it's got

8:11

enough stuff for everybody. Oh,

8:13

but it's just like first I knew something

8:15

was amiss. Your dad didn't cook. He

8:18

cooked the turkey. He did. Okay. I

8:21

figured he got the turkey though because the turkey leftovers were a little

8:23

lean this year. Really? I

8:25

like to mow through turkey leftovers

8:27

like just taken from a cornucopia. Yeah.

8:30

Yeah. Taking from abundance. Was it

8:32

a small turkey? I don't know. I

8:35

don't know. Maybe the boys are getting bigger. Yeah. They're

8:37

consuming more turkey. Probably. I've put

8:40

a stop to that. I got to start calling those

8:42

fuckers fat. Right. Give them a shot. Give

8:44

them a complex. Never too early to start that. I don't

8:46

know if that works on boys though does it? They only

8:49

get big Rexia. Yeah. I

8:51

think you probably would have had to start earlier than.

8:54

To give them anorexia. To give them

8:56

something. We'd have to get rid of

8:58

their dad to give them a problem like to give

9:00

them an esoteric problem like that. Maybe so. Um,

9:04

little light in the light in the

9:06

leftovers. Yeah. Loafers this year.

9:09

Right. The leftovers. I'm like

9:11

budgeting myself like am I fucking over my

9:13

girlfriend if I eat this leftover?

9:15

I don't like to be in a position where I think about

9:17

other people. You know this. Sure. Especially

9:20

during the holidays. There should be. Right.

9:22

There should be a stupid amount of food. Yeah.

9:26

I know this is gonna go bad. If

9:28

I don't eat it. If I don't eat it. I

9:30

know this is gonna go bad. That's what I need. Oh yeah. I

9:33

need that to leave my guilt of

9:35

eating at one in

9:37

the morning. If I don't eat this shit's gonna

9:39

go bad and that's basically like that's hurting poor

9:42

people somehow. Sure. I

9:44

gotta eat it. Like the power's out. Let's get

9:46

to town on this leftover stuff. I you know

9:49

ate a shit ton on the day and then

9:51

on Friday I said well I'll

9:53

start my huge leftover of like

9:56

power through on Saturday. So

9:58

on Friday you know what I ate? The only

10:00

thing I ate all day come rounds

10:03

of pie Round

10:05

rounds. Yeah, like in round of

10:07

pieces here Another

10:10

oh you ain't on Friday with pie

10:12

hi. Oh my god total. That's

10:15

it. You're a Hamas up That's it. That's a

10:17

fucking phenomenal three different pies. How could you eat

10:19

that much pie? It wasn't easy Then

10:22

you get constipated or something. Oh,

10:24

no. No, I mean apples. There's

10:26

apples Okay, apple and pumpkin got

10:29

a lot of fiber guys. Yeah

10:32

I mean, I don't know if they you know if it

10:34

gets all you know I've like

10:36

regular canned pumpkin does got a shit ton of fiber

10:38

and Fucking my girlfriend makes the

10:40

best key lime pie on the planet. So

10:42

I fucking your girlfriend makes the best Wow,

10:45

I'm all of that shit, too Anyway,

10:48

I had a weird I've been sober

10:50

since Wednesday What is that I went

10:52

out we went out with

10:54

Randy having sushi? No,

10:56

I always just that's a shit show.

10:58

Yeah Having

11:00

sushi with Randy. It's like I gotta stop

11:02

if I don't I'm gonna stop Stop

11:05

drinking or I'm drinking this week. Yeah, so

11:07

I've had you know, I've been eating like

11:09

a normal human amount Wow I stole a

11:12

lot but So the scam

11:14

my mom's running is buying a but buying a

11:16

pre-made Thanksgiving from Whole

11:18

Foods. Yeah, and I

11:20

knew something was amiss when I noticed that

11:22

this a Disturbing amount

11:25

of stuffing What's

11:27

going on here? That means they're gonna why is

11:29

there on something else? Yeah There's something else is

11:32

fucked with this cram the cranberry sauce a little

11:34

odd because every mom only makes one kind of

11:36

cranberry sauce Yeah, might switch it up during menopause,

11:38

but you got one or two cranberry recipes out

11:41

of mom Yeah, I've never seen this

11:43

puree shit before well, I mean you got here What

11:45

do you are you used to eating like, you know

11:47

whole cranberry sauce out of the

11:49

can just like oh out of the can Yeah,

11:51

oh the tube see I always it's

11:53

the best kind we always had I Always

11:56

make the you know cranberries out of the

11:58

the real cranberries Like a

12:00

cranberry? Yeah. Okay. You make them?

12:02

Yeah. Easiest thing in the world.

12:05

You get no not making anything easy. The

12:07

thing in the world, one bag of cranberries,

12:10

one cup sugar, one cup water. That's

12:12

it. Two bags and just eat it together to boil

12:15

it. Boil it.

12:17

Well, it's up a little bit. You put a

12:19

little cinnamon in it. So that's more work that

12:22

my mom just takes all this stuff from Whole

12:24

Foods. Yeah. Takes it out of

12:26

the fucking containers, hides the

12:28

containers. Curiously puts them all in

12:30

warming pots and is there pretending to

12:32

make Thanksgiving? So I'm there complimenting everything,

12:34

trying to do my part by eating

12:36

the food and complimenting. Oh, this is

12:38

so great. Thanks a lot. And I

12:41

knew I noticed that something was off.

12:43

I'm like, something is fucking off here.

12:45

Hesitant to take a compliment. But I'm

12:47

like, I don't want to start anything.

12:49

I've already been making way too many

12:51

jokes about Hamas and stuff. Right. And

12:53

that whole I taught the boys what

12:55

terrorism was last week. And I know

12:57

that everything up. Right. So

13:01

I'm not going to push it, but then we get

13:03

home and my girlfriend says, well, yeah, because all of

13:05

it was from Whole Foods. I can't even fucking tell

13:07

me I'm complimenting my mother on food that she pretended

13:10

to fucking make. She doesn't say anything. Right.

13:12

And I'm just sitting there making a fucking

13:14

fool of myself in front of everybody.

13:17

Oh, this is this is so good.

13:19

What a different type of cranberry sauce

13:21

you're making. And everybody's fucking laughing at

13:23

me. Were they probably

13:25

in their head? They probably went home

13:28

eating this leftovers that might as

13:30

well be from McDonald's. Yeah. Juggling

13:33

themselves to pinto fits of

13:35

laughter over what a stupid idiot I

13:37

was. It's been fucking

13:39

joke. My brother goes, oh, yeah, I

13:41

saw a spoon of it out of

13:43

the out of the containers and throwing

13:45

the containers away. And you said nothing.

13:47

The fuck is that? And you said

13:49

nothing even during dinner while I was

13:51

compliment there. What the fuck? Wow.

13:56

Boy, I don't even have power to get her a

13:58

shittier Christmas present because I'm not. doing that immediately

14:00

shot to 10 Hamas and

14:03

it immediately went from zero Hamas to 10

14:05

Hamas yep the day so now

14:08

I have to be on guard for this right

14:10

why don't you just tell me to pick up a

14:12

subway sandwich on the way over there you go why

14:14

did we have to go through this whole routine I

14:17

mean you know what maybe I made it

14:19

then thank me for this dinner right I

14:21

mean they did have to take out a

14:23

home equity line of credit to pay for

14:25

it I'm sure subway bandwidth I have no

14:27

idea how expensive Whole Foods is now but

14:30

it was it was a hundred hundred dollar

14:32

deal that's right that was a hundred dollar

14:34

deal how many people did that quote unquote

14:42

feed well

14:45

the boys probably counted half of

14:47

my sister's husband's probably one

14:50

and a half two three

14:52

four five six seven eight

14:54

I'm actually a little bit of with I

14:56

mean there was enough for 50 people I'm

14:59

actually shocked it was a hundred bucks who

15:01

knows where who knows who's white

15:04

labeling whom anymore could be from

15:06

one to three their subsidiary kitchen

15:08

United the same place the same place that

15:11

I'm eating from could be serving the

15:13

fucking homeless okay yeah we have no

15:15

idea who's making this food Amazon just

15:17

dumps it into a truck with a

15:19

shovel be the homeless making it could

15:21

be the fucking homeless making it yeah

15:24

give me the fucking homeboy bakery in

15:26

two rags yeah making my dick give

15:28

it dinner yeah yeah and

15:31

I just eat it knowing nothing

15:34

ever thinking nobody

15:37

for the private what's

15:42

it going on it's

15:45

me not detecting any

15:47

end place yeah

16:03

Welcome to the related edition of the show. The

16:06

show and the contest can be alive from Bunker. Bunker deep in

16:08

the heart of the city of failure. Did I say Bunker Bunker?

16:10

Deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your house

16:12

tick match today, K to $20 million. Man.

16:15

Joining me as world touring LA based comedian Shawn

16:17

the audio engineer. Hello, Dick. I don't know

16:20

if discourse even working today. No, fuck

16:22

this. I'm so

16:24

fucking tired of the holidays already. Fuck

16:27

this and fuck you. It just had one.

16:29

You just had one holiday. Never

16:32

ending Shawn. I know. Never ending.

16:35

You know that. Either holiday holidays or year round.

16:39

Vito gives me this black Pac-Man. What the fuck

16:41

am I supposed to do? I was going to

16:43

ask about that. Welcome to Hey, Merry Christmas time.

16:45

Here's black Pac-Man. What the fuck? What

16:47

are you supposed to do with a black Pac-Man? Is

16:50

that really? Is that really? Is that

16:52

really Pac-Man? Yeah, this is an

16:55

official license pack product of Pac-Mania.

16:57

I never noticed that he had like boxing gloves.

17:01

I guess he does. He's a

17:03

brawler. Yeah, I guess. Sure.

17:06

He's got mitts somehow. Yeah, he's

17:08

a mech here. Please

17:10

made him metal. Oh, the ghosts are

17:12

down there. Yeah. Okay. I

17:15

don't know what this I feel like a

17:17

veto is like a cat bringing me a

17:19

dead possum. Yeah, bringing me this. I guess

17:21

this that you brought me this on the

17:23

day of my my daughter's wedding. It means

17:25

either it means either like I'm honoring you

17:27

or fear me. You know, I said that

17:29

you. Yeah, there's a dead possum. Yeah, he's

17:32

veto brings me one of his black Friday

17:34

deals. Yeah. So this veto. Yeah.

17:36

What do you mean? Wow. What

17:39

am I supposed to do with it? I can take it out of the box.

17:42

Okay. What does it mean? It was a

17:44

good deal. It was 80 bucks and I got it for 20.

17:47

Is that good? Oh, are you giving me the concept of

17:49

a deal or are you giving me something you want me

17:51

to know is cheap? You

17:53

have it. Yeah, that's right. You could read that

17:56

either way. I guess difficult to decipher. Yeah. He's

17:59

a tricky one. Is it working now? I'm

18:01

so fucking pissed I didn't have that connected

18:03

because I restarted my computer Hey

18:06

speaking of Friday deals Black

18:08

Friday deals. Yeah. Yeah, there's a new

18:10

new shirt in the store Oh, yeah,

18:13

check it out Sean. Okay. Oh and

18:15

the fat watch pins are up Very

18:18

enough. You're on the patreon There's

18:20

a code in there You just go Patreon

18:22

or any other ones if you're on patreon or back by

18:25

you could put a code in and get a free fat

18:27

watch pin The shipping sucks five

18:29

bucks. That's no fault of mine, obviously

18:34

But you can get that you can

18:36

also get this I love that I just

18:38

I love the blue hair and then yeah,

18:41

so funny Somebody

18:43

said it looks like Ralph. It's not when he

18:45

had blue hair I said it's not Ralph it look

18:47

when you add blue hair anyone when he was fat

18:50

now He's have you seen him and lately it

18:52

looks like some Hollywood writers at the last several years.

18:54

Yeah This is the this

18:56

is the writer and main actress for the new

18:58

Tomb Raider series Isn't

19:03

it remarkable the likeness oh

19:05

man fucking remarkable So

19:08

this will be a pin that's an inch wide. Oh,

19:10

that's great That's so

19:12

great For free basically except for

19:14

shipping and if you think the shipping's a

19:16

pain in the ass You can throw yourself

19:18

in this attack of the 50 ton woman

19:20

t t shirt. Look at that I've got

19:22

to get that made see I put 50

19:24

ton woman in Japanese awesome So only Japanese

19:27

people will be able to read it and

19:29

today also think white women are too fat

19:31

and probably their own women are Too fat

19:33

a little joke that you can share

19:35

with your Japanese buddies. How could they not think

19:37

that white women are too fat? No

19:42

How do white women two out of three women are

19:45

obese now Like

19:47

medically obese medically obese. I

19:50

don't doubt radically OB all of them are obese Let

19:52

me see if I have that

19:54

study right fat. I don't know. It's probably on

19:56

the other well when when when

19:59

people hear obese they think morbidly

20:01

obese. Which they are. But

20:03

like that's a different thing. I

20:05

don't know, is BMI the way that they

20:07

calculate that now? They just eyeball it anymore.

20:11

They bring them in and if the chair starts

20:13

creaking in the doctor's office, they go, you're

20:16

fat. They got those

20:18

metal ones now. So

20:20

they go, if it starts giving it creaking, they

20:22

go, oh wow. Two

20:24

second groaner. That's

20:28

even the point. The

20:31

doctors finally just say, you know what, we, it

20:33

doesn't, the BMI doesn't matter. They're not losing

20:35

any fucking weight. So just pigs. Fuck

20:38

it. Don't even like, yeah, here you

20:40

go. Just add more. You guys are going to need

20:42

like a new letter. Six X, eight

20:44

X, you know, whatever. Twelve X. Fuck

20:49

it. They'll

20:52

have an event like a new symbol for clothing or

20:54

something. 10 Hamas out of 10. 10

20:56

Hamas. Bad party. How

20:58

fat women are. Yeah. Um,

21:02

I thought I was going to save Thanksgiving. You

21:04

did have a good day of video games. Oh,

21:07

by playing video games. Yeah. I did nothing

21:09

yesterday, but play video games. Oh

21:11

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking

21:14

great. Yeah. I didn't

21:16

even shower until the end of the day. Yeah. Fuck. I

21:19

have a shower before bed. Where you gotta go? Just the

21:21

magical world of a Bowser's kingdom and

21:23

star road. Is that

21:25

the latest Mario? Actually, it's one

21:27

that's five years old. Is it? It's

21:30

even more. It's called bowable for me. It's

21:32

called Bowser's kingdom called the actually might be

21:34

10 years old Mario 3d world. Oh,

21:36

it wasn't. This wasn't just your normal video game

21:38

playing. Yeah. This was going back

21:40

through the levels and getting all the stars and

21:43

stamps. So

21:46

the secret stamp things that stamping 100%

21:48

of everything. Really?

21:52

Ah, so I knew my girlfriend would hate it because

21:54

I was just redoing old shit that I did.

21:57

They can tell. But why do you know they love Because

22:00

you're too good at it. Yeah, too good not a

22:02

fighting. I'm right now. I'm just like looking at charts

22:04

and stuff It's like what are you doing? Like just

22:06

getting a hundred on everything's like I hate that. I

22:08

don't enjoy watching that at all, right? I Was

22:12

hoping you'll fuck it up right you die, but

22:14

then she's hot my girlfriend plays games and I

22:16

talk shit you talk shit Yeah, I talk shit.

22:18

Well, I knew that would happen. So you're in

22:20

the knowledge that I will never play the game.

22:22

Oh Yeah, you fucker. Yeah,

22:24

so I'm I'm sitting on a I'm

22:27

definitely backseat. I mean it's fun for me.

22:29

Yeah It's fun for me. I lost in

22:31

Scrabble this week too. So did you know

22:33

boy? Yeah I

22:37

got looked up in the dictionary on

22:39

Scrabble. Oh, really lost my last

22:42

turn and then lost the game

22:44

Really? Yeah, I got challenged. Yeah

22:46

in the dictionary. Yeah for a

22:49

word that I knew was not a word Yeah,

22:51

and you're hoping that nobody would I

22:53

was hoping my girlfriend would not challenge it

22:55

Oh trying to gaslight her into not challenging

22:58

it teacher though Yeah,

23:02

so I got looked up lost my turn

23:04

and then got All

23:06

letters played on me and minus to my own letters

23:08

from my score So

23:11

pretty Hamas. Yeah pretty

23:14

Hamas week So

23:16

I'm playing to collect all the stamps and stars

23:18

and stuff The best

23:20

way to play video games And

23:24

she sees me playing around on my phone. Yeah

23:26

on pause. Yeah. Are you looking up? Stamps

23:29

are I bust my girlfriend on that shit all

23:31

the time. Why are you on your laptop now?

23:35

Well, I was trying to hide it just cheating well,

23:38

yeah So she's like well none of

23:40

this counts then you're not really you're

23:42

not really like doing a hundred percent You're just looking

23:44

up on the computer and then doing

23:46

it. That's not you're not really you're

23:49

not doing it, right? The computers

23:51

man's doing it, right? Well,

23:54

I'm going to bed Can't

23:58

let me have it. I'm ruined this for

24:00

me. I

24:02

can't even cheat and have

24:04

fun. I'm gonna go dress

24:07

up the dog and miss

24:09

gender her. Okay. Pretty

24:11

good. How

24:13

about here's a

24:15

hundred ways white people can make

24:18

life less frustrating for black people.

24:20

What do you think about that? I

24:22

think it's a great premise. You

24:28

see what's going on in Ireland?

24:31

No. There's some kind of a stabbing going

24:33

on with immigrants. Some kind of immigrants came

24:35

in, started stabbing kids. Nobody sat them down

24:37

and said, Hey, can you guys not do

24:39

that? You can steal shit. That's fine. The

24:41

rash of stabbings in Ireland. Yeah. We're trying

24:43

to take the white. We're trying to

24:46

take the white in Ireland from 95% down

24:48

to like, you know, 20%. That's our goal

24:50

over the next 100 years. But you guys

24:52

going around stabbing kids. You kind of fucking

24:55

it up. Okay. You

24:57

know, the one thing across all

24:59

cultures that nobody tolerates and it's

25:01

really easy to do. I know

25:04

kids are, your kids never put

25:06

you in a stabbing situation. Almost

25:08

pretty much never, I can say never, there

25:11

ever been a case where you have a

25:13

kid with an adult. You're

25:15

the adult. You're stabbing a kid. First of

25:17

all, you could punch him, right? Everybody understands

25:19

if you punch kids, everybody, especially

25:21

around the holidays, everybody has seen a kid

25:23

that they want to punch or that they

25:25

hope that, you know, that one of the

25:27

parents will punch. They never do, you

25:30

know, but headlines will never

25:32

read riot broke out because man punched

25:34

a kid, right? Especially in Ireland. Right.

25:36

Never going to happen. Right. Have

25:39

a couple of beers and we can

25:41

really hate kids. Go around play rock

25:43

them sock them Irishman. Right. All right.

25:45

But the stabbing is just totally unnecessary.

25:47

Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. It's egregious.

25:49

It's too much. Yes. Too much. Don't

25:51

burn it. They're, they're burning all the

25:53

hotels that down because the hotels are

25:55

housing the immigrants. Oh no. I think

25:58

Donner McGregor might've said this. Go burn. in

26:00

the hotels before they can put immigrants there.

26:02

Not a bad plan. I mean, he could

26:04

maybe a little, he could say something like

26:06

that. Yeah. He could. That would be like

26:08

Manny Pacquiao saying it in the Philippines. Well,

26:10

you know, you're going to tell him, no,

26:13

yeah, I don't know. I'm not going to

26:15

write. I'm just sitting over here in LA

26:17

where you guys, you were, we actually, I

26:19

personally helped get the whites down to, you

26:21

know, 20, 25% where everybody wants

26:25

them, right? Um, you

26:28

didn't see that shit in Ireland. No, no, I have, I

26:30

have not checked in with the news. Oh

26:32

dude, it's great. So then the Irish government came

26:34

out and said, well,

26:36

we got a crackdown on this hate speech. Oh,

26:39

okay. Instead of the, yeah. Yeah. Like there's a

26:41

lot, there's just way too much hate speech going

26:43

around. What was it? What's the start? Was it,

26:46

was it one stabbing? Was there a bunch of

26:48

they stabbed like five kids, one guy, one guy

26:50

stabbed the devil. They shipped him in from took

26:52

him from the front lines of, uh, I don't

26:55

know where they got, I don't know where their immigrants are

26:57

from in Ireland. It's

27:00

funny though, cause Ireland hasn't done any of

27:02

the stuff that like all the other, like

27:04

America has done. Yeah. All the slavery and

27:06

stuff and like invading

27:09

and taking land from Indians and stuff. It's just

27:11

always been them doing their own thing. Them,

27:14

them fucking it up. Yeah.

27:16

It's just them, been them like doing a

27:18

frat party for like 2000 years.

27:21

Yeah. Right. And then take anybody's shit. They

27:23

didn't have any slaves. So I

27:26

guess they can't get guilted into anything with

27:28

immigrants. Like you guys should take some immigrants

27:30

cause you, uh, you had slaves or we

27:32

didn't have slaves. I guess not. Huh? No, well,

27:36

what about all the Indians land? You know, we didn't take

27:38

any of them. What about all colonizing? He did. We didn't

27:40

do that. Actually we did get colonized by

27:42

the British. Yeah. We fucking tear. We fucking Hamas

27:44

the shit out of them. Yeah. For the most

27:46

part. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's still a

27:48

little bit that they need to get back, but

27:51

well, uh, you should still take some

27:53

immigrants. Yeah. Okay. We'll take a couple.

27:56

Hey, they just, they're stabbing guys. Well,

27:58

now you're doing hate speech. Yeah.

28:01

Oh, right. Yeah.

28:04

Yeah. Yeah. Let me find

28:06

the, let me

28:08

find the guys talking about it. Oh

28:12

yeah. Crackdown on hate. Prime minister. Hey

28:17

speech laws and stuff. That's cool. Just throw

28:19

laws in the next couple of weeks to

28:21

allow this guy. We're going to make sure

28:23

that we make those changes to our laws

28:25

in the next couple of weeks to allow the guard D

28:28

to use that evidence and go through that evidence and

28:30

identify the people who are involved in these actions. And

28:32

we are going to get them. In

28:34

addition to that, I think it's now very obvious

28:36

to anyone who might have doubted us. That's

28:39

our incitement hatred legislation is just not up to

28:41

date. It's not up to date for the social

28:43

media age. And we need that

28:45

legislation through and we need it through within a matter of weeks

28:48

because it's not just the platforms

28:50

who have a responsibility here. And

28:53

there's also the individuals who post

28:55

messages and images online that stir

28:58

up hatred and violence. And we need

29:00

to be able to use laws to go after them individually as

29:02

well. We're going to make sure that we make those changes to

29:04

our laws. Well, you

29:06

had a nice country for, there were the last

29:08

ones who the last holdout. Oh yeah. This hate

29:11

speech retarded hate speech. Maybe so. I

29:13

loved Ireland. I'd go there again in

29:15

a second. Oh yeah. You

29:18

gotta go while the getting is good now. I

29:20

guess I've never been there, but it sounds awesome.

29:22

It's amazing. Oh,

29:25

let me see here. A hundred

29:27

ways white people can make life less frustrating

29:29

for people of color from

29:31

2018. Oh, is it? Well,

29:34

whatever. I mean, it's still the, yeah, I mean, they have

29:36

do that shit. Oh fuck it. I don't care. It's still,

29:38

well, I mean, but it's still, you

29:42

know, the climate is pretty similar, right? I

29:44

mean, uh, yeah, I

29:47

think it's much worse than someone from Uganda. Don't

29:50

say I went to Nigeria once. Just

29:52

please. Cause no

29:54

one's ever. Yeah. If

29:58

you're talking to a white person, You can

30:00

safely assume they've never been to Africa. And

30:03

ever happened? And so, South

30:05

Africa. I'm from Uganda. I went to

30:07

Nigeria once. Unless their parents were missionaries.

30:10

Yeah. Don't assume or

30:12

guess people's races. It's

30:15

not a fun game for us. Oh, come on. What

30:17

do you mean? Come on.

30:20

Wait, what? It's kind of fun.

30:22

Don't assume race. So is

30:24

this for black people? No, this is just

30:26

for people of color. People of color. Okay.

30:29

So Mexicans don't get black

30:31

people. Don't get people's race. Like

30:34

don't assume that people of color share

30:36

the same views. We are not a

30:38

monolith. Okay. Okay. Okay.

30:42

All right. Ask every little thing you

30:44

should ask. Don't refer

30:46

to Africa as a country. It's a

30:48

continent. And it's wildly varied.

30:51

I mean, does every conversation with a black

30:53

guy have to be about Africa? Yeah. Well,

30:57

how often am I in a need to talk

30:59

about Africa? Never.

31:02

Yeah. Especially around the holidays. Rest

31:04

assured. No person of color wants

31:07

you to get back from a holiday, show off your

31:09

tan and explain, look, I'm almost as dark as you.

31:11

I don't really care about that. People do that to me all

31:13

the time. Yeah. I

31:17

see all these things. No one's ever done

31:19

that to a black guy. Oh,

31:21

yo, man. I'm all black. You're like, you're

31:23

not even close, dude. Yeah. I'm

31:26

a tan person. These are all like foreign

31:28

concepts. Like I wouldn't do any of these.

31:30

Women wrote it because women do this shit

31:32

all the time. Like basic. I don't know.

31:35

Just like, yeah, it's just not like what it's just not

31:37

something that I would do. Don't make

31:39

embarrassing jokes or try to be down with

31:41

people of color. That's fucking embarrassing right there.

31:43

The way you've used it. Yeah. We'll

31:46

laugh at you and we'll laugh at you, not with you.

31:48

Okay. Okay. Cool guy. Huh.

31:52

Okay. That's the

31:54

last thing I want. Being laughed at.

32:00

phrases like but I have a black friend I

32:02

can't be racist yeah yeah yeah

32:04

whatever like

32:07

are these here's one thing people of color

32:09

can do to make life easier

32:11

for white people I

32:14

know what it's like to be a person of color

32:16

I'm a ginger come on

32:20

now nobody's ever done that have

32:22

they no come on fucking

32:25

attention horse um I don't

32:27

know sold all right here's from

32:29

here's the sentiment in Ireland okay I'm

32:32

a woman in Ireland immigrants

32:34

do not make me feel unsafe refugees

32:37

do not make me feel unsafe these

32:40

Irish men make me feel unsafe

32:42

uh-huh okay

32:45

I guess that I mean I

32:48

guess that she's probably telling the truth

32:51

I don't know I mean Connor

32:53

McGregor is pretty scary fellow suppose

32:56

yeah I mean you know she's make

32:59

sure you keep a broken bottle in your hand

33:02

at all time at all times yeah probably a

33:04

full bottle would help you better maybe Irish men

33:06

maybe dealing with men in general maybe you go

33:08

you rather rape me or drink this beer beer

33:12

yeah much more I could do

33:14

I'll drink the beer first but don't you go

33:16

nowhere yeah all right you just have a

33:21

seat hang on have this be don't be putting

33:23

your keys in your hand either like Wolverine I've

33:25

seen that if I got another beer that

33:27

if you don't rape me I'll go after

33:29

you finish that beer you can go to

33:31

that bar have another beer right

33:34

what's really okay hmm

33:38

good I wonder if any of them have

33:40

ever tried that uh

33:43

you would think that I would try it

33:48

I was a woman had to have been tried once

33:50

how would you like don't you would just want another

33:53

drink what don't you really just want another drink I'll

33:55

break this beer right now look you pull your dick

33:57

out if you finish unbuttoning your pants album so help

33:59

me God, I would break this beer into the

34:01

liquor store. I will get you whatever you want

34:03

Like it's like I can smell booze on your

34:05

breath. You don't really want to do this. You're

34:07

gonna you're gonna regret this You're

34:09

gonna regret. Yeah, you're gonna regret this but

34:12

you're not gonna not gonna regret. Yeah, one

34:14

more beer You

34:17

regret you know 20

34:19

but not one additional one it it it

34:22

stands to reason that someone has definitely

34:24

been talked out of rape Right

34:27

that had to have happened. I Yeah,

34:30

I feel like the way women

34:32

speak has evolved to do that

34:45

I'm home blacked out. I don't know what

34:47

happened I

34:49

know I didn't get hard. Yeah, my dick doesn't

34:52

smell like I raped anyone. Oh god Um Here's

34:59

uh, here's what they can do in T

35:02

the England TV license. Let

35:04

me see this Pretty

35:06

this is pretty funny. Yeah, I'm not funny.

35:08

This is fake anymore. Honestly, though Well, you

35:11

know, I mean it's like you gotta go you gotta look

35:13

Yeah, I don't look at a few places and you gotta

35:15

just kind of Trust that they

35:18

get that somebody did their research. You gotta

35:20

believe Definitely not trust

35:22

that community notes would pop up if this

35:24

was fake I think Here's

35:28

a house in England Sorry,

35:30

what are you doing? There's

35:33

a guy outside the window trying to get in

35:36

Some kind of a rope in

35:38

from outside. He looks official. What's

35:40

he trying to he's trying

35:43

to get their TV license fee Well, yeah,

35:45

yeah, I know they do that. But okay What

35:48

you want so you are one thousand three

35:50

hundred and twenty eight thousand fifty six feet

35:52

Yeah, right because obviously unpaid

35:55

TV license. Okay, obviously I've

35:57

come around here to collect the payment in full Or,

36:00

we remove goods up to

36:02

the value of the 1,300. Because

36:04

we have a crazy weather. So why are you coming to the side of the

36:06

house over your window? Because if there's an

36:08

open window, we're allowed to get access to the

36:10

property, sir. So you're saying that you legally can

36:12

climb through my window? That's exactly what I'm saying,

36:15

yeah. But you can't then? You

36:17

can't open the door, please, sir. Come

36:19

on, open the door. Come on, open the door for

36:21

what? To come and speak with me. Okay, but...

36:24

I'm not shining for a window. I've not got a TV,

36:26

so why am I going to pay for a TV license?

36:28

All right, you do have a TV. How do you

36:30

not have a TV? You don't have to run your building, I can see one of you

36:33

living with it. I

36:37

don't care if it's fake or not,

36:39

it's fucking funny. Oh,

36:42

man. I mean, obviously... Thank God for

36:44

guns and white trash in America. We'd

36:47

have so much bigger government problems

36:50

if we didn't have guns and trailer parks.

36:53

Like, oh, man, that's crazy about the TV license fee. You

36:55

should go do that over there. Make sure

36:57

that guy pays it. What? All right, auto-modified.

37:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All

37:04

the other stuff about them... That's funny. This

37:06

is annoying, but that one thing they can really

37:08

do. Let's

37:12

see here. Oh, and

37:14

New York's doing the same thing. I

37:16

guess everything is in the same

37:18

theme today. This

37:22

is when they sneak all the shit through,

37:24

though. Like IRS and income tax. Right,

37:27

right. And

37:29

the Federal Reserve all went through on Christmas Eve. New

37:33

York surveillance... Yeah, just slide it right on through.

37:35

Nobody paying attention. Governor

37:38

Kathleen Weechill announced that New York is

37:40

collecting data from

37:43

surveillance efforts on social media. Oh,

37:46

cool. If you say something considered hate speech

37:48

on social media, they will try

37:50

to contact you. Okay,

37:54

let's see. Is this about Israel,

37:56

probably? Probably.

38:01

The government's not getting involved for a bunch of

38:03

n-words. I mean for people saying the n-word

38:05

not That's

38:16

how you do that I can't even

38:18

tell you how funny that is 400th

38:21

episode party. I think we should we're

38:23

at 386 right now. Yeah, three months

38:25

to plan it We'll probably live that

38:27

long. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I

38:29

could easily live three months Also,

38:34

we're very focused on the data

38:37

we're collecting from surveillance efforts what's

38:39

being said on social media platforms

38:41

and We

38:44

have launched an effort to

38:46

be able to counter some of the negativity

38:48

and reach out to people when

38:50

we see hate speech being Spoken

38:53

about on online line platforms. What

38:56

was that? Sorry what? Again

38:58

reach out to people when we see

39:01

hate speech being Spoken

39:03

about on online line platforms. Okay

39:05

our media Analysis that's a

39:07

teleprompter. You know this unit has

39:10

ramped up its monitoring of sites to catch

39:13

incitement to violence direct

39:15

threats to others. Oh and

39:18

all this is In

39:20

response to our desire our

39:23

strong commitment to ensure that not only

39:25

do New Yorkers Be

39:27

safe, but they also feel safe

39:30

because personal security Stroke

39:32

right now or this is this being translated

39:35

to jive. Yeah, I don't know live As

39:40

I said, no one walking down the street or in a

39:42

subway she'd feel they have to

39:44

find to hide Any

39:47

Indications of what the religious beliefs are.

39:49

Oh, okay. I have to see you could walk

39:52

around in those hats and fucking the Curly

39:55

braids and stuff right? Yeah.

39:57

Well sure you don't want to be

40:00

She's really talking about religious stuff. Yeah,

40:03

yeah. A religious stuff? Is it

40:06

religious stuff? I mean, you know.

40:09

She's being kind of topical, isn't

40:11

it? God, it sounds like

40:13

she's got a dreidel pressed into her back

40:15

while she's even giving the speech. Okay,

40:18

no funny stuff. Don't turn it.

40:21

You are inspired today. Because

40:24

I had a very Hamas week. Yeah. Did

40:29

you know you're not allowed to get a DNA test in

40:31

Israel? You know, it's forbidden. No, I

40:33

don't even know if this is true. I try to look it

40:35

up. Really? I thought TikTok on

40:37

and the guy goes, yeah, it's forbidden to

40:40

get a DNA test. I looked it up

40:42

and found a Jerusalem post explaining why it's

40:45

forbidden. I don't know if

40:47

that means illegal. Forbidden to

40:49

me means worse than illegal.

40:51

Like, even if you break the law,

40:53

there's not a punishment for it's fucking forbidden.

40:56

That involves banishment usually. Forbiddenness

40:59

usually supersedes

41:01

the law. Yeah. Here's what

41:03

I found on it. By law, genetic

41:06

information testing may require obtaining explanations from

41:08

a doctor and informed consent to perform

41:10

the test and should be checked only

41:12

in the lab by a genetic Institute

41:15

recognized license. You can't do a 23

41:17

of me if you're Israeli in Israel.

41:20

Right, right, right. That's a little odd. Yeah.

41:24

What? Why is it

41:26

because it will show that there's no genetic

41:28

link to that land you're sitting on and

41:30

blowing people up over? And why are there

41:32

another reason? I don't know. I can't come

41:34

up with another reason. Well, I mean, you

41:36

know, that's such a thing

41:38

can be not again, they all over the place

41:40

over there. Yeah. I

41:43

just walked out, scraped off the ground. Yeah. Give

41:45

me some of those kids. Give me one of those 10,000

41:47

kids you got in the combine. Where's

41:50

my wit? How long have

41:53

I been waiting for my husband's ball sack? Ha

41:55

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

41:57

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's

42:01

the most fucked up thing that's ever been

42:03

brought into this show I think. I know!

42:05

Oh, shocking. The fucking animated, it was an

42:07

animated cartoon! I'm like, I haven't

42:10

looked at one more thing on that. Like,

42:12

I just want to just remember it as

42:14

it was. There's no more things on it!

42:16

It's 100% true! Yeah,

42:18

I mean- As I said it! It's... Unbelievable.

42:22

Alright, let me see if I have other Israel stuff today.

42:26

Uh, come on you piece of shit, work. Israel...

42:31

Oh yeah, Israel. Okay. Good.

42:34

So they set... They

42:36

set these guys. They did a hostage exchange?

42:39

Uh, you know that? I heard about

42:41

that. Uh, I don't know. I

42:44

don't know, Israel had any hostages,

42:46

actually. Oh,

42:48

okay. I guess they do. Somebody corrected

42:50

me and told me that they

42:52

were prisoners in prison for crimes.

42:55

I said, okay, I've heard that

42:57

from our cops too. Uh, I

42:59

don't... A couple

43:02

guys have called in who were terrorists in prison

43:04

for like two years, so I don't know. What

43:06

crimes were they in? And they give me a

43:08

list, and on the list is throwing rocks. Oh,

43:11

okay. So that was the crime. Supporting

43:14

terrorism? Like, uh, pretty

43:16

sure that's not a crime. I don't... Here's

43:18

one of them. Hey,

43:22

this little fucker, how old do you think he is? I

43:24

mean, I don't... Uh, let me see. I'm

43:27

not, like, in love with teenage boys or something.

43:29

Yeah. I just think that's a little young. He's

43:31

going down to Palestine. He's a

43:33

Palestinian. Yeah, he got let out. They

43:36

seem pretty psyched to have him back. Yeah.

43:38

I think everybody should be let out. Who knows how long

43:41

he was there too, so I mean, he's a young

43:43

bitch. He's a kid. Yeah,

43:45

this bitch was in here for eight years. Eight

43:47

years in prison in Israel for... What,

43:50

in like a two-foot ceiling? Uh...

43:53

Yeah, they said they're... They got all of us

43:55

in rooms for six people. I honestly thought that

43:57

was a coffee table with potpourri on it. I'm

44:00

gonna do it. Finish

44:03

it and update her her kit when she got

44:05

out. I guess not. Look this

44:07

dude stopped at the fucking fit store and

44:09

got himself a nice good tracksuit. I know

44:11

seriously. This bitch is wearing my grandma's tablecloth. Did

44:13

you sure they didn't unlawfully detain an Armenian?

44:17

I don't know who's who

44:19

anymore. Right. They can't

44:21

do genetic testing because then they're all gonna figure

44:23

out that they're the fucking identical. Like oh

44:25

wait a minute that guy's wearing track suits I'm

44:27

wearing fucking track suits. Wait what's going on here?

44:32

This wall is stopping us from getting good track

44:34

suits over there. Right right right. I

44:38

don't know what she

44:40

is doing. She's doing a

44:42

transformer. Again. Coffee

44:47

table? Palestinian. Coffee table? Palestinian.

44:51

Does Islam have a transformers crew

44:53

that transform to Mecca? Autobots

44:55

transform and they all face Mecca? Go wah wah

44:57

wah wah wah. Yeah yeah

45:00

yeah. They

45:02

transport him into suicide bombers? Oh

45:04

god. Wah wah wah wah wah. You

45:07

look exactly the same Optimus. Yeah but I have this fucking. Yeah

45:09

but I explode now. Did you

45:13

see that Bentley that crashed into the

45:15

at the border at the Canadian border?

45:17

No. Oh man all

45:19

conservatives were like coming in their pants like

45:21

yes fucking terrorists hit the northern border. Now

45:23

it's real. Now terrorism is a

45:25

big problem right? It turned

45:28

out to be some like some

45:30

like sofa king guy whose Bentley

45:32

was malfunctioning. But they assumed that

45:34

it was a terrorist driving a

45:37

Bentley into the border fucking fence.

45:40

Right wing people just love they just

45:42

want terrorism to happen fucking all the time.

45:44

Yeah okay. Yes

45:47

fucking terror attack at the border. So it was just

45:49

a it was just a rich guy whose car was

45:51

fucking up. Yes but then here's

45:53

the here's why it annoyed me. Let me

45:55

bring up. Oh wait are we done

45:57

with this guy? Oh I'm saying I think there's a little young. to

46:00

call somebody a terrorism. Like if you can't consent

46:02

to sex, you can't be a terrorist, right? I

46:04

mean, you're getting groomed. Yeah. Criminal.

46:07

Pretty arbitrary. I mean, the

46:09

label terrorists like, yeah, you

46:12

could be a criminal as a kid. You could

46:14

break laws. Yeah. But go so far as to

46:16

say you're like ideologically committing crimes as like a

46:19

pair of military for like, well, you'd probably just

46:21

be, you would just, that's like saying, Oh, she's,

46:23

you know, she's older than her years. Like now

46:25

you're raping that kid, man. You're growing up, she's

46:27

having sex, but it's rape. You would be working

46:29

on behalf of terrorists or whatever. Like, you know

46:31

what I mean? Like, like you can sit like,

46:34

yeah, but it's like, they're obviously,

46:38

you know, they're getting kids. You're coming up to me and going

46:40

like I'm a blood. I'm like, you're not fucking shit. Actually,

46:42

why don't you go down? Why don't you get away

46:44

from me? Uh, this

46:47

thing is a little weird.

46:49

Yeah. No terrorists. Looks like a kid. Guys

46:52

got a flat track suit. Yeah. Um,

46:55

yeah. What was I doing? Oh yeah.

46:57

Cars driving a hundred. This is why it was, this

47:00

is why it annoyed me. Uh, 100 MPH.

47:03

Oh yeah. Here it

47:12

is. Watch this. It's awesome. This

47:14

car fucking launches. Look at that.

47:16

Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.

47:18

Right here, right up here in

47:21

the top. Wow. Like diehard for

47:24

here they come. Oh, and there's $300,000 Bentley.

47:26

Hey, we should take this

47:28

thing in. The accelerator's been

47:30

acting up. Oh, I got

47:32

fucking rocket. Did it,

47:34

uh, to die. So what? At

47:36

least you died

47:39

before the holidays though. You got

47:41

to look at the bright side. That's at

47:44

veto comedy. Yeah. Vito tweeted this.

47:46

Vito tweeted this. Yeah. What do

47:48

you mean? He didn't veto didn't take this picture. No,

47:50

no, no, no. But he's

47:52

taught he's, he's veto's gloating because

47:55

conservatives were gloating about it being a

47:57

terrorist. So he's on that veto's turn to act.

48:00

Like he's morally superior. Got it. Even

48:02

though he's like, you

48:04

know, the least contributing member of society in general.

48:07

I see. Okay,

48:09

let me find this car manufacturing thing that I

48:11

wanted to find. I'll

48:14

read some comments. What happened to the guy? Oh,

48:16

they're dead. Oh really? Did he fucking

48:18

roll a million times? Oh really? It

48:21

exploded. Oh wow. That's why everyone thought it

48:23

was a terrorism. Okay. Um,

48:26

car manufacturers.

48:31

Damn it. I don't know where this thing is now.

48:35

We're trying to tell car manufacturers to put

48:38

a limiter at a hundred and like make it a

48:40

law. Oh. The transportation authority. Yeah.

48:43

And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Do it.

48:46

There's no way you should be driving over a hundred. And

48:48

the correct response is, you have no

48:50

right to do this kind of shit. Yeah. Like

48:53

you have none. You have no right to do this. We'll

48:56

do it. If it's such a good idea, we'll do it.

48:58

Yeah. And they do do it. Some,

49:01

I've had my trucks limited. My truck

49:03

was checking limited. Yeah. A

49:05

lot of cars, some cars that are not

49:07

limited in Europe are limited here. Yeah. You

49:09

know, it pisses me off when they try to make all this shit

49:11

in because all I see is, well,

49:14

one of those is going to fuck up. And then there's somebody's going

49:16

to launch their car off of a, off

49:19

of a dam going 150 miles an hour. Cause

49:22

the circuits, cause the circuit broke down. Cause

49:24

all this shit fucking fails. No. Yeah.

49:27

Can you just stop meddling around in it for a little bit? Just

49:31

a little bit. A

49:35

hundred is still, if you're driving, you

49:40

don't need to go over a hundred. If

49:42

you're driving, but that's honestly like,

49:44

that's not slow enough. If

49:47

you want it like, Oh yeah. You know

49:49

what I'm saying? You got to limit people.

49:51

Like people like, yeah. Yeah. Right.

49:54

My truck was limited to 85. I hit

49:56

it a couple times. I was being raffles.

49:59

Yeah. That's the principle a

50:01

hundred people of it. That's still way too

50:03

fast You fast for like basically every driving

50:05

condition. Yeah, so why let them go triple

50:08

digits at all Yeah, like I mean if

50:10

you're why let women drive because I mean

50:12

if we're gonna play the game Cuz

50:15

you won't get people on board if you say 80. Yeah,

50:17

right I

50:20

might have to outrun a rapist. I

50:22

might have to yeah, whatever. There's an atomic bomb

50:24

good thing. He's driving uh

50:35

Here's a funny one. Yeah. See have I

50:37

covered everything did I do black people yet?

50:39

Yeah I think a little bit. Yeah, this was

50:42

a funny one. I thought okay. Oh Yeah,

50:46

the blacks the blacks and the Mexicans are

50:48

are squaring off in New York City Oh,

50:50

no, cuz they're running out of free

50:53

money It's the age

50:56

old age old fucking

50:58

fight the rote the Autobots and

51:00

the Decepticons That's in the jet Clearing

51:04

off They're

51:07

running out of money. They're running out of free money

51:10

Let's listen to this gripping news report from

51:12

New York because they did that sanctuary city,

51:14

right? Yeah, the illegals are coming in and

51:17

taking all our hotel rooms and stuff. Yeah Do

51:22

you think immigration is retarded? Well

51:25

immigration G. Yeah the way that it is

51:27

or like having it at all like why

51:29

the fuck are we letting this happen? I

51:31

don't know these things gonna happen here. I

51:33

mean like every country or I'm not every

51:35

country but I'll leave Most

51:38

advanced countries do it to some extent right?

51:40

Yeah much more difficult than others. I mean,

51:43

yeah I

51:46

Don't know. I mean it is kind of

51:48

how some countries get decent food though. I

51:51

Mean that's if there's any we got we got we

51:53

got all the food that they have. Okay, can we

51:56

stop? We do now? Yeah, we do all the food.

51:58

Yeah, we don't need them hard-working not hard-working criminals

52:00

not criminals we don't need them anymore like honestly

52:02

like we really I mean we

52:05

don't like I mean like it's we're

52:07

we're fucking pretty full yeah I mean

52:09

there's fine there's a lot of sparsely

52:11

populated states guys we get like

52:14

some fat women over there I mean holy shit

52:16

like homestead yeah we have a you

52:18

know there's a lot to work on

52:20

just here with with what we haven't got up we

52:22

have we can play with the immigrants we have okay

52:24

we don't need any new ones yeah I'm

52:26

a hard-working immigrants that we have we can play

52:29

with we don't need to play with any more

52:31

of them and honestly by like kind of letting

52:33

them come here you're like you're letting them buy

52:35

into a dream that's dead yeah like

52:38

it's fucking dead yes like that's not

52:40

good you know you heard stories about

52:42

a company about your grandpa who came

52:44

over like you know from Mexico didn't

52:46

speak a word of English and now

52:48

owns units properties in fucking yeah yeah

52:50

in Santa Monica a hard-working guy

52:52

I'm gonna go shard a shoe back there

52:54

happen for you in LA you need to

52:56

go to China bro yeah the shoes are being

52:58

made yeah there's no need for hard-working

53:01

people here fucking work hard here don't yeah

53:04

don't don't buy into it you

53:08

get more bang for your buck somewhere else

53:10

for yeah you see that you

53:12

said Argentina elected like the

53:15

super libertarian as president no oh

53:18

dude this is this is fucking awesome

53:20

well let's see this one first and

53:22

I'll play the okay no way he's

53:24

like a former like sex guru really

53:27

super libertarian huh not

53:29

as much as me but well he's not

53:31

there he said for an elected official yeah

53:33

he said I'm getting done I'm doing away

53:35

with the Central Bank yeah and

53:38

he went to do that or is that like one of

53:40

those campaign promises you know what I mean like how you

53:42

just like well nobody might get JFK I mean we'll see

53:46

and he's going through all the like departments of

53:48

shit yeah I'll play the video he goes through

53:50

all the government things he goes wait up what

53:53

I like oh yeah yeah um they

53:55

do anything about our RTS a I

53:57

don't know I

54:00

don't know. Some kind of a...

54:02

You could try. Yeah. God,

54:04

wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't it? A future where we didn't have

54:06

to deal with them. Right. Checking your asshole every

54:08

time you go in there. Yeah. Okay,

54:10

here. Looking sad, you asshole. One

54:12

neighborhood in NYCHA's

54:28

Queensbridge houses look forward to the

54:30

mobile food pantries that show up

54:32

weekly. But over the past

54:34

year, they have witnessed 8,000 migrants move

54:37

into their neighborhood, and they have also

54:39

noticed the migrants are also starting to

54:41

take their stuff. They were

54:43

first online for the 13th of this morning. First

54:47

in line? What do I have to get up

54:50

before these illegal Mexicans to get free

54:52

food? Because that's not happening. Oh, boy.

54:55

This is just...it's totally unacceptable. Oh, boy. They

54:58

were first in line before

55:01

the sun was even up. How did they even know to

55:03

get out there before that time? How did they know where

55:05

the free food would be? It'd

55:08

be there at 11 o'clock. You'd get

55:10

there in like 10.30, 10.45. Oh,

55:12

my God! She's saying... Okay.

55:16

Yeah. It was first online for the surfies this morning.

55:18

They tell you to be there at 11 o'clock. You'd

55:20

get there in like 10.30, 10.45. They

55:22

tell you to be out there. The

55:24

line is from over there to over here. Free

55:27

food giveaways, especially during the holidays,

55:29

have become a source of tension

55:31

between longtime New Yorkers struggling to

55:33

get by and newly arrived

55:36

migrants who are using the system to

55:38

survive. A month ago, one

55:40

altercation got so heated between a resident

55:42

and a migrant, someone ended up in

55:44

the hospital. We would never turn anyone

55:46

away for a meal, but there simply

55:48

just is not enough for both nectar

55:50

residents and the migrant shelter residents. Councilmember

55:53

Julie Wise said he alerted the mayor

55:55

to the growing tension in her community and

55:58

was able to get $50,000 to the mayor. to

56:00

increase the number of hot meals served

56:02

inside NYCHA's. But she's concerned the

56:04

mayor's new budget cuts will only

56:07

put further stress on the community

56:09

already living in scarcity. People

56:11

are going hungry right now. People are

56:14

frustrated. They're not having enough to eat,

56:16

not having heat and hot water in their shelters

56:18

or in their houses in NYCHA. And

56:20

people want to make sure that they

56:22

just have their basic needs met like

56:24

any human would anywhere. And that's

56:26

what's causing the tension. And we're going to see

56:29

what happens tomorrow. That's when the race family and

56:31

council member want to put... See, the problem

56:33

is we're just running out of other people's money to

56:36

give these guys. And

56:38

once I figured out that you got to get

56:40

up early to line up

56:43

for free food. I

56:45

don't know what we're supposed to do about that. Um,

56:48

all right. See?

56:51

Fruit Loops has gone woke.

56:55

Oh shit. Fruit Loops. Maybe

56:57

I'll just read the... Maybe I'll just read some comments. Look what

56:59

Fruit Loops is doing. You can

57:01

buy the box and get a free digital library with equity.

57:08

You mean go to a website? No,

57:10

but what's a digital library? Like

57:12

books? A digital library? Yeah. It's

57:15

just like a PDF. What's the... See

57:17

the free with the little cross? That's a hard way

57:19

to put it. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

57:21

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. But

57:24

what's the free with the little cross? It's a hard way to put an

57:26

asterisk. Yeah, but what does it mean? Where does it go? I

57:28

don't know. Oh, with the purchase of specially white fruit

57:30

loops? Oh, so it's the legal. Okay.

57:33

Internet access required. Content is suitable for ages 13

57:35

plus. Visit

57:38

Fruit Loops slash EDI. Uh,

57:40

well, your family can learn how incredibly colorful and

57:42

diverse the world can be with our

57:45

ED and I, family. I think fruit loops are

57:47

more gay. Isn't that... Yeah. If

57:49

you had to make a serial gay, I would not pick

57:51

fruit loops. Well, they do. That's as gay as it could

57:53

be. And they added colors like from the... Remember it was

57:55

orange... When we were kids, it was orange, lemon and cherry.

57:58

That was it. Oh, yeah. Right rainbow

58:00

gay colors they added more yeah, and

58:03

they said the colors of his beak to

58:05

like that because it used to just represent

58:08

What the colors of the cereal now looks like a

58:10

rainbow party yeah That's

58:13

like a Marketing genius walked into that

58:16

meeting like we got a gay up to cereal

58:18

which one should we do and he's

58:20

like Don Draper's like You

58:22

know everyone's like going around like I'll take yeah,

58:25

I'll take Rice Krispies right? Not

58:28

gay at all I'll take I'll

58:30

take Cheerios I could gay I'm gonna gay the shit

58:32

up of Cheerios right Make that turn

58:34

his finger into a butt plug all kinds of

58:37

gay stuff and then honey Draper comes up He's

58:39

like you want to make a

58:41

cereal gay yeah, I mean fruit loops like that's

58:43

impossible fruit loop says gay as a kid fruit

58:45

loops yeah, me a Give

58:48

me five minutes. Yeah. All right.

58:50

Yeah good What ah

58:52

you're gonna see that video. Yeah sure Ah

58:57

Where ah yeah Here

59:01

we go You

59:04

give me five minutes, I'll make

59:06

the old fruit loops look straight. Oh

59:08

did I get it wrong? Oh? Yeah,

59:13

no Yeah,

59:18

here we go hair is

59:20

awesome dude he looks so awesome Is

59:24

that a fucking wig I don't think

59:26

so really I hope and his first lady is

59:29

his sister Cuz out

59:31

of disrespect to his girlfriends he

59:33

said This

59:35

guy's like you date. Yeah, you date a lot of women

59:37

who's gonna be your first lady's like my sister fucking hoes

59:43

Here we go I put

59:45

it out Me

59:47

say good. Oh, I'm afraid so he's

59:49

going through and reading the ministry and

59:51

whatever division of the government Yeah, like

59:54

being it off just fucking straight

59:56

out with money sinkhole. Yeah, I can

59:58

gone gone Gone. Everything

1:00:30

Chicago the

1:00:32

political me Holy

1:00:36

shit. He's a fucking wrestler. Yeah,

1:00:38

he's awesome Some people

1:00:40

are complaining. He's pro-israel. You guys come

1:00:42

on. Maybe you just got a complaint

1:00:45

about fucking perfect As

1:00:52

the snow hey dick I slept in Paradise play

1:00:54

woken a snowy home, okay It's

1:00:56

now the season in which my commute is

1:00:58

increased by an extra 15 to 30 minutes

1:01:00

every single day because either my car is

1:01:02

covered In snow some dick had his cause

1:01:04

an accident or lanes are blocked off by

1:01:06

God's cold semen As a California

1:01:08

boy the part where we rightly hate the Dodgers.

1:01:10

I was not raised for this shit Oh,

1:01:12

he's from California the worst part about all

1:01:15

this is I release my barbaric

1:01:17

yap of anger as I Is

1:01:19

as I release my my my

1:01:22

hot Jewish fiancee Two

1:01:25

stirs from her slumber she looks out the

1:01:27

window and with joy and sparkles in her

1:01:30

eyes says oi vei It lists all worse

1:01:32

lists all of the activities she wants to

1:01:34

participate in now that the snow is here

1:01:37

Oh, yeah, okay, so she you

1:01:39

gotta call Hamas for that so they came out

1:01:41

and reach you from California, too Maybe so I

1:01:43

don't know is say the snow is uh, you

1:01:45

know, it's novel There's a special team that you

1:01:47

can find to take care of this problem. They

1:01:50

only if you can find them, right?

1:01:52

Yeah, ride by a Palestinian court. They

1:01:54

were happily escaped into the Los Angeles

1:01:56

Underground to this day still I've

1:02:00

sold it. I've sold it a fortune. Come

1:02:02

on. It's wintertime. My wife

1:02:04

wants to do all this shit. Winter

1:02:06

wonderland shit. Now the snow is here

1:02:08

sledding. Hot cocoa. Driving around

1:02:10

in the snow and ice looking at Christmas

1:02:12

lights. She's Jewish. Do

1:02:15

you think you could help? Yeah. Missin.

1:02:19

BA. Then they come in on a... Worst

1:02:24

part of this. Oh yeah. She looks out

1:02:26

the window and wants to do all this shit.

1:02:28

All I want when I return from work is

1:02:30

to toss back a stout to warm my insides

1:02:33

and pass out on the couch watching old

1:02:35

compilations of the super best

1:02:37

friends. But now I'm going to be

1:02:39

recruited into some cold outdoor activities. I

1:02:42

should have never asked about her shoes nor her dad.

1:02:44

Go fuck yourself there. Oh boy. Yeah.

1:02:47

It's not all cracked up to be fellas. You know what?

1:02:49

She's probably going to hate it. She's

1:02:52

doing a couple things. It's like it's fucking cold.

1:02:54

I hate this. I fell down. Oh no. I

1:02:57

don't know. Yeah. I may

1:03:00

be. I love that shit. I

1:03:02

think the novelty will wear off. Tall

1:03:06

goose. You can read this on the show if you want. I

1:03:09

was looking at the biggest problem. You mentioned

1:03:11

having tonight is hilarious. It sucks. Whatever.

1:03:14

Fuck you. So a couple of days

1:03:16

later I go to Metallica. It's a two day event.

1:03:18

Oh wow. That's Sunday. Halfway through the show I keep

1:03:20

having you bringing it up in the back of my

1:03:22

head. The show is over.

1:03:25

I get how many years you're ringing. This

1:03:28

isn't anything new. It happens. It

1:03:30

goes away in a day like normal. Well it's been about two

1:03:32

weeks now. It will have the ringing in my ear. It

1:03:34

isn't horrible and only noticeable when there's no white noise.

1:03:37

I truly believe through some weird Mexican autistic

1:03:39

curse that you bringing this up caused me

1:03:41

to now get it. Fucking

1:03:43

tonight is. Go fuck yourself some muchas for showing up. Oh

1:03:45

boy. He asked the girl next

1:03:47

to me was 5'1 cans as perky as

1:03:50

a car's hubcaps. And

1:03:52

as big as two honeydew dancing and bouncing around

1:03:55

on a corset. That

1:03:57

doesn't sound good. It looked like Snow White.

1:04:00

except more fuckable. Oh,

1:04:02

wow. Kansas Perky as a car's hubcaps. Perky

1:04:04

as a car. Are those known for being

1:04:06

Perky? Cause they're, are they

1:04:09

like Ben Hur? Are they pointed out? That's

1:04:11

what I mean. Like I'm thinking about like

1:04:13

hubcaps generally. Yeah, I mean. I think they're

1:04:15

not Perky. I don't know.

1:04:17

Maybe he drives a different kind of car. Yeah.

1:04:22

What would you describe as Perky?

1:04:24

Like some sort of a living

1:04:26

thing. Yeah. Like solid

1:04:29

metal or plastic. Right. Does

1:04:32

he mean like Perky? I mean, they'd be

1:04:34

like firm. Like,

1:04:36

I mean, like a higher would be more firm.

1:04:38

Yeah. But a hubcap I would, you

1:04:40

know, is firm, right? I mean, I, so I've never

1:04:42

heard of that. Yeah. That's an interesting way to describe

1:04:45

it. Those girls shaking around will forever be the good

1:04:47

part of the constant ringing I now live with. Okay.

1:04:49

So there was good. I mean, must've

1:04:52

car, Perky as a hubcaps must be

1:04:54

good. Yeah. Maybe

1:04:56

he's just, you know, I don't know how old

1:04:58

he is, but you know, sadly. Jay

1:05:04

for the show. OnlyFans model

1:05:06

goes viral claiming she makes her name not

1:05:09

six, seven times a day. The

1:05:11

OnlyFans marketing is really, it's

1:05:14

too much now. Yeah. It's

1:05:16

just gotten, it's gotten to be oppressive where they

1:05:20

say these asinine things like just built

1:05:22

to be talked about on Twitter

1:05:24

and I'm doing it now, but OnlyFans

1:05:27

model goes mega, mega viral. Wow. Claiming

1:05:30

she makes her man nut at least I just don't. All

1:05:33

I see is, you know,

1:05:35

pores, bullshit. Yeah. Bullshit. I don't

1:05:37

know. What does she look like? Oh,

1:05:40

this is what she. Only model Victoria

1:05:42

Banks went mega viral on social media.

1:05:44

Commenting on a podcast. No,

1:05:47

fuck off. Okay.

1:05:53

I don't believe you. Honky

1:05:57

bullshit from Steven Mards.

1:06:00

a rage for you YouTube thumbnails I have

1:06:03

to see one more picture of a person looking

1:06:06

like the cops just walked in on them getting

1:06:08

a blowjob from a child's ghost I'm gonna fucking

1:06:10

kill myself I see that stupid wide-eyed mouth gape's

1:06:12

mouth expression my first thought is always okay what

1:06:15

did you sit on and how far up your

1:06:17

ass did it go YouTube thumbnails should be all

1:06:19

tits should be tits all tits and only tits

1:06:21

got it you ever seen those thumbnails that they

1:06:23

do like

1:06:26

that women guys oh just oh

1:06:28

you mean just like every guy has a thumbnail oh

1:06:31

oh like oh

1:06:33

look at what's behind me like

1:06:35

that guy huh who is

1:06:37

that that black guy from like the 30s

1:06:39

who's like whoa or no

1:06:41

it's like the 80s do we go whoa

1:06:44

in commercials ball his eyes balls would like

1:06:46

come out whoa well yeah I

1:06:48

remember you guys who can you

1:06:51

know there's a woman to a

1:06:53

black woman who can push her

1:06:55

eyes that like bugger yeah dude

1:06:57

that's so disturbing to me all

1:06:59

eyeballs that is like not dang

1:07:03

it where is

1:07:05

it videos this

1:07:07

guy remember this guy and then oh my god yeah

1:07:09

god dude that's so fucking that

1:07:12

is so creepy in a clear eyes commercial no

1:07:15

that's that's a Ben I don't

1:07:17

think exciting news clr don't you go

1:07:19

fuck you Wow Ben Stein damn

1:07:24

dude that shit for that shit

1:07:26

is fucking yeah that's that

1:07:29

ain't right yeah there it was that

1:07:31

I right yeah I'll do that fucking

1:07:36

dumb hmm

1:07:38

okay you know that's got

1:07:40

to go bad at one point your

1:07:42

eyes coming out like something it's yeah

1:07:44

there's a

1:07:48

reason like barely anyone

1:07:50

can do that yeah you know like

1:07:52

that's that would be a that

1:07:54

would be bad you know in evolution

1:07:57

I'm pretty sure like that's I

1:07:59

agree something Something something can happen there

1:08:01

that isn't good for your long-term sight

1:08:05

He probably does that when he comes Having

1:08:09

a good one Shooting

1:08:11

his eyeballs out. Oh fucking stop it.

1:08:13

It's fucking scare the shit out of

1:08:16

somebody Oilfield

1:08:18

trash says is being a male

1:08:20

porn star Really

1:08:23

based though. Hey dick

1:08:25

and Sean call me Robert

1:08:27

from Rochester Robert from Rochester So

1:08:30

recently you talked about the Adam 22 birthday

1:08:32

party. Just don't start sentences

1:08:35

with so recently you talked about the Adam

1:08:37

22 birthday party See how about much better

1:08:39

it is. Yeah, I know recently

1:08:42

you de-check a flight Recently

1:08:47

you talked about the Adam 22 birthday party

1:08:49

and how you have wasted your life not

1:08:51

getting into porn Well, it wasn't specifically not

1:08:53

getting into porn. It was just an overall

1:08:55

sense of yeah Having wasted right

1:08:58

by having made bad decisions By

1:09:01

right being being a guest at the

1:09:03

party party hosting the party. Yeah was

1:09:05

the only observation And

1:09:08

the only thing that I have control of is

1:09:10

my decisions So right anyone that I made that

1:09:12

was not but in the

1:09:14

didn't lead to that Yeah, exactly was it over

1:09:17

the past bad mistake over the past year? I

1:09:19

met a local porn star born here on the

1:09:21

East Coast but moved to the West Coast to

1:09:23

do porn in the 2000s She's

1:09:26

currently in her mid 40s blonde

1:09:29

with big fake tits. Yeah,

1:09:32

34 double D. Nice, right? No

1:09:35

Okay, 40 If

1:09:38

she's what he does he give a name?

1:09:41

No Why do you know

1:09:43

who this is? No because like that's we know every porn

1:09:46

star on the world No, but if they're like a porn

1:09:48

star, then like the name should be Nobody

1:09:51

should be embarrassed to give Like

1:09:53

exactly we need to yes, we

1:09:56

need just so we

1:09:58

know so we know who we're talking about

1:10:01

more cock blocking from the question

1:10:03

askers like usual the

1:10:05

short of it is she splits her

1:10:07

year here and in

1:10:09

out west doing mainstream porn and

1:10:11

self-paid shoots there and her own

1:10:13

only fan content around the globe

1:10:16

okay we met once locally at

1:10:18

a nice hotel and hooked up

1:10:20

but she didn't film anything after

1:10:22

all uh-huh but wait you're

1:10:24

he was what hoping that she would

1:10:26

film or saving me to give me

1:10:29

more details than this we hooked up

1:10:31

but she ended up not filming after all yeah

1:10:34

right what do you mean after all did you

1:10:36

guys talk about it like yeah oh yeah yeah

1:10:38

you know I'm gonna film it yeah and then

1:10:40

like ah you know what I'm not going to

1:10:42

let me

1:10:45

see your dick she's

1:10:49

now offering me to be a regular

1:10:51

on her only fans in exchange for

1:10:53

me to then share the content she

1:10:55

films with me on my

1:10:58

own page and then have to sell myself

1:11:01

that sounds like a scam you something yeah

1:11:03

that doesn't it doesn't have some you got to film

1:11:05

it and you got to make it only fans and

1:11:07

you got a right promote oh he's

1:11:09

got to make it or does he have like a

1:11:14

marriage you're describing um I'll

1:11:16

fuck you but then you have

1:11:18

to provide for me oh wait

1:11:21

a minute yeah okay um no

1:11:24

money just an exchange of content okay

1:11:27

okay do I do it and try

1:11:29

and sell it myself why the fuck

1:11:32

would anyone subscribe to a this is

1:11:34

a man right uh robert

1:11:37

yeah mm-hmm why the

1:11:39

fuck would anyone subscribe to a man's only fans I

1:11:43

don't know they're not subscribing for the content

1:11:45

it's the parasocial relationship part it's the it's

1:11:47

the DMing sending them DMS hoping that they'll

1:11:50

read them got it and then get a

1:11:52

response from an Indian guy or Andrew Tate

1:11:55

um do

1:11:57

I do it just to fuck porn stars like the 16 year

1:11:59

old me would do? Well

1:12:04

do what you think is best. Should

1:12:06

I just try and fuck her more for

1:12:08

fun outside of porn or do I bail

1:12:10

completely? Well you

1:12:13

should do it. Why

1:12:16

not? See how many see how many

1:12:18

of these girls you can rope

1:12:20

into this lifestyle

1:12:23

you've got cooked up here on OnlyFans.

1:12:26

Go fuck yourself. Smooches Sean also belly rubbing

1:12:29

ear scratches for the dog. How old are

1:12:33

you? Well

1:12:36

probably not a whole lot older than... Do you

1:12:39

think he's 40 asking

1:12:41

this question? No no I think he's

1:12:43

I think he might be 19 or

1:12:46

you got a lot 20 you know early

1:12:48

20s or something. You gotta watch it doing

1:12:50

anything a girl in her mid 40s wants

1:12:52

you to do. That's not gonna go well

1:12:54

for you. Yeah if you're

1:12:56

not within five years of her.

1:12:58

Good advice. You better fucking watch

1:13:00

it buddy. Good advice. Run

1:13:03

this by a girl your own age.

1:13:06

She's been figuring stuff out a long

1:13:08

time. Uh-huh. Been around the block. You're

1:13:10

just a set of numbers. Okay

1:13:13

here's a I get some I got

1:13:17

a voicemail that Chris the Kiwi sent maybe we

1:13:19

can listen to that at the end. Sure. Chris

1:13:22

Primer says the mining in Panama the

1:13:24

problems in Panama might be related to

1:13:26

the mining industry. There's a huge copper

1:13:28

mine that's required an infrastructure project that has

1:13:30

rivaled or exceeded the Panama Canal. Uh-huh. It's

1:13:32

supposed to be 1.5% of the total global

1:13:35

production for copper now that billions have been

1:13:37

spent the people want more money. Okay so

1:13:39

but they're still blocking the road. Oh

1:13:42

I don't care. Oh god. Oh this was... Just don't block the road.

1:13:44

No that's...

1:13:47

That's all you had to do. Yeah. You

1:13:49

don't have to block the road. Did

1:13:52

you see some people blocked the Thanksgiving parade?

1:13:54

Now this... Woo.

1:13:57

Aggression will not stand,

1:13:59

man. This is I fully

1:14:01

support. Yeah, you black black

1:14:03

traffic Instant death Oh

1:14:06

block a parade like a parade you

1:14:08

get a medal, you know, I Have

1:14:11

been invited like a number of times over the

1:14:13

years to hey We're gonna go down the night

1:14:15

before and like see the Rose Parade and I'm

1:14:17

like before they even before they even get Rose

1:14:19

Parade I hear go down the night before I'm

1:14:21

like, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not

1:14:23

gonna do that I'm not gonna do that. I

1:14:25

didn't want to do it when I was 18. I don't want to do it

1:14:29

When I lived on the parade route what the

1:14:31

yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, I know you live right

1:14:33

over there. That's right Yeah,

1:14:36

have no interest if

1:14:38

somebody in the house Happens

1:14:41

to put the Rose Parade on which has

1:14:43

been done. Oh, you know over the years.

1:14:45

Yeah, I you know it always My

1:14:48

the only thing that I like about it is

1:14:50

it sometimes the floats break down Fucking

1:14:53

funny To

1:14:56

see smoke from the engine coming out

1:14:58

from under the thing and everybody fucking

1:15:00

stops. Yeah awesome Yeah,

1:15:03

here was pro Palestine briefly blocked Macy's

1:15:05

Day Thanksgiving Parade by gluing their hands

1:15:07

so in New York This is a

1:15:10

big parade. Yeah, so they're sending me

1:15:12

this like oh see you're fucking precious

1:15:15

Your precious Palestine is or doing the same

1:15:17

thing and I said, ah, but that

1:15:19

is a in itself a roadblock Yeah,

1:15:22

no actually right by the

1:15:24

transit property Uno reverse

1:15:26

II this is actually a rack of

1:15:29

heroism what you're seeing right? It's already

1:15:31

blocked You can't block a

1:15:33

roadblock. Can you right? Yeah

1:15:36

What's the road that's blocked are gonna be more blocked? Was

1:15:40

traffic impeded well no yeah, well

1:15:44

Well, then maybe the parade gets over

1:15:46

later. Nah That

1:15:48

doesn't speed it up just a half an hour drive faster Jacob

1:15:53

Herbert cheating wives responding to last week hey, they

1:15:55

can John I'm writing response to the segment about

1:15:58

that angry guy who has clearly been cheated

1:16:00

on by his wife whose email you

1:16:02

read last week in the show you mentioned offhand it's

1:16:04

somewhere there must be a couple who stayed together after

1:16:06

the wife goes and fucks another guy and it

1:16:09

just so happens that I live with such a couple

1:16:11

oh that's fantastic yeah I'm sure

1:16:13

sure it happens yeah we all

1:16:15

rent a house together and their

1:16:17

self-destructive behavior and constant fighting yeah

1:16:20

has been a great source of

1:16:22

entertainment for me higher time I've lived

1:16:24

here you know you're looking at it the right way just

1:16:27

over a year ago she got caught cheating with another

1:16:29

married guy then the wife of that

1:16:31

dude saw their snapchat conversation and rage

1:16:33

emailed her entire family and I've been

1:16:35

calling her slut she

1:16:41

also sent screenshots of their conversations that was

1:16:43

probably harder back in the day wife's

1:16:46

cheating whore huh I'm gonna craft a little

1:16:49

let me get my yeah well out dear

1:16:51

everyone's fucking family right right this

1:16:54

trollop has affects me greatly this

1:16:56

is a little up

1:16:59

she also sent screenshots of their conversations and

1:17:01

some spicy photos they'd shared cool it's proof

1:17:03

of their infidelity then send the

1:17:05

guys lost 80 pounds cut back on his drinking

1:17:07

a bit yeah and has stopped

1:17:09

being a completely insufferable asshole in general oh

1:17:12

she's gained 15 pounds they fight less and

1:17:14

seem to be mending whatever issues they have

1:17:16

in small steps being the great friend

1:17:18

that I am me and our mutual friends have

1:17:21

a bet going to see how long before one snaps

1:17:23

and the marriage goes down I partially blame myself for

1:17:25

them staying together so long I cook and do most

1:17:27

of the chores around the house and

1:17:29

keep the chick entertained when he doesn't feel like

1:17:31

constantly validating her so this guy has like a

1:17:33

like an ant farm yeah that people

1:17:36

right like right that's cool

1:17:38

yeah yeah

1:17:41

you got to look for the you know you

1:17:43

get your entertainment where you can yeah some people

1:17:45

are in like fantasy football he just does like

1:17:47

fantasy marriage yeah yeah it's got an ant farm

1:17:49

that's good I even had a small heart to

1:17:51

heart with the dude when the cheating happened I

1:17:54

told him that the time I got cheated on

1:17:56

and told him to man up and make a

1:17:58

decision about whether or not he actually cared that

1:18:00

much about keeping the marriage together. I guess he made the one

1:18:03

that he felt was the best option. I

1:18:05

didn't mention to him that she got me to move

1:18:07

in and help me with the rent by coming over

1:18:09

to my old place once a week and helping me

1:18:11

test out my mattress. No

1:18:13

shit. Why would you move into that situation?

1:18:15

Yeah. You

1:18:20

moved in with your whore and you're

1:18:22

paying her and

1:18:24

she's fucking you, prostitute. And

1:18:27

you moved in with her and her husband? What

1:18:30

a, okay. Go fuck yourself,

1:18:32

Dix. Mooch is for Sean.

1:18:35

If you get murdered, that's

1:18:37

on you. This is a

1:18:39

prime murdering story. It's

1:18:43

all fun and games till the ants break out.

1:18:45

Yeah. Then

1:18:47

you fucking got them everywhere and you don't know where they're

1:18:50

gonna bite you. There's ants in my

1:18:52

bed. Still

1:18:54

harassing news reporters up in Canada Steelcat. Okay.

1:18:57

Come on. Okay.

1:19:01

Oh my God. Why, why, why, why,

1:19:03

why? Bricks Novak. What

1:19:06

time is it? Already shit. Bricks

1:19:08

Novak. Happy Thanksgiving. Hey Dick, great advice

1:19:10

last week with your brilliant idea of

1:19:12

getting Chris D'Quioui involved to help that

1:19:14

autistic stove get laid. He

1:19:18

can only benefit from seeking the advice of

1:19:20

a known professional like Chris to navigate those

1:19:23

murky waters of legalized prostitution. Yeah, I gotta,

1:19:25

let me see if Chris

1:19:27

D'Quioui has written me back. Oh yeah. Yeah,

1:19:31

yeah, yeah. Here we go. He's,

1:19:35

he sent me a picture of his dick here. That's,

1:19:39

you want to see it? No. Well,

1:19:41

I got to show it to you. He

1:19:43

said, look

1:19:46

at what he sends me. Look at what Chris D'Quioui sends me.

1:19:49

Skrotum. Fuck is he, oh,

1:19:53

he's talking about Chris D'Quioui

1:19:55

has sent me. So

1:19:58

he goes on like people's eulogy posts. Like

1:20:01

this woman has said today. I

1:20:03

said goodbye to my beautiful Let

1:20:05

me put it up today. I said goodbye to

1:20:07

my beautiful mum Caring for her was

1:20:09

a privilege and I feel blessed I got to tell her and

1:20:11

show her how much I appreciated and loved her I sat with

1:20:13

her at night after night in

1:20:15

the hospital And I'm so glad I did because I was

1:20:18

able to hold her hand and talk to her as she

1:20:20

passed Okay, wait, wait, okay, what did Chris the key we

1:20:22

have to say here God? Did

1:20:32

she die of AIDS from you he

1:20:34

says lol lol Why

1:20:43

does he have access to this page I don't

1:20:46

know Why

1:20:50

does he have access to outside his house

1:20:53

He's not supposed to be on the internet right or

1:20:56

did that pass? I think that I think he got

1:20:58

away with it. They probably just said we can't control

1:21:00

him. Oh My

1:21:02

god, okay Boy,

1:21:05

oh boy, this is

1:21:07

something that a horse in a prostitute. No,

1:21:09

I can see you can tell right? Yeah

1:21:12

This isn't really his MO to

1:21:14

write that much. Yeah. No, it's

1:21:16

did no he there DNA

1:21:19

says that we can't do that Okay,

1:21:23

let me maybe I'll read it then This

1:21:26

is what the horror Oh No,

1:21:31

she sent a bunch. Oh, wow God

1:21:34

he makes people go crazy. He really does doesn't

1:21:37

he? Oh,

1:21:41

yeah, he's that's a that's a

1:21:43

gross picture. Yeah. Yeah surgery picture

1:21:48

Text a horse in he says okay How

1:21:51

long has it been since I've messaged you

1:21:53

apart from replying to you

1:21:55

tonight? What do I say when

1:21:57

I usually reply to you? Why do you always seem to find

1:21:59

me no matter where? I go what number

1:22:01

I changed my phone number to you're the first

1:22:03

person to find it text me and

1:22:06

text me You're always the same person that can reach me

1:22:08

when no one else Can you're

1:22:10

also someone who's been reported numerous times to

1:22:12

the police for stalking women harassing them and

1:22:14

also for cybercrime? So you

1:22:17

poor little fucker listen to me. I think it's

1:22:19

time you stop fucking around with computers But you

1:22:21

can't fuck women so you fuck them over. It's

1:22:23

no punctuation at all in here It's

1:22:26

about time we did meet but this time it won't

1:22:28

be through a computer screen or a listening device or

1:22:30

whatever the fuck else You use the

1:22:32

fuck with people's lives. I look

1:22:34

forward to meeting you. I fantasized about it for a long

1:22:37

time I've been I've

1:22:39

been waiting Chris over nine months. It's

1:22:41

a long time. I'm patient. I'm patient

1:22:43

But my patient has worn thin especially

1:22:45

when it comes to tonight like tonight

1:22:48

So hear me when I say it's time if you

1:22:50

would like to meet me yourself. I invite you to

1:22:53

do so if there's anyone else Who feels the need

1:22:55

to come I suggest they grow some fucking balls and

1:22:57

discuss. Oh my god schizo Yeah,

1:23:01

blah blah blah it's yeah

1:23:04

none of it's funny the rest of it

1:23:06

is though is stuff usually oh He's

1:23:10

commenting on Chrissy

1:23:13

Mayer Hey

1:23:17

Tampa, Florida come see me on Sunday December 3rd. There

1:23:19

you go. Chrissy's got a show next week. Okay, go

1:23:21

see it if you're in Tampa And

1:23:24

Chris the Kiwi says she's a comedian because people

1:23:26

laugh at her not with her big Okay,

1:23:31

okay That's enough from

1:23:34

you Here

1:23:38

we go, yeah He

1:23:41

can only benefit from yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I Apologize

1:23:43

for not being able to send it sooner, but a happy Thanksgiving to

1:23:46

both you and Sean What a great time

1:23:48

of year Thanksgiving is friends and family all gathered

1:23:50

around to celebrate and give thanks for

1:23:52

the many things we were thankful for It's this time of year.

1:23:54

I'm always reminded of when I was young working as a

1:23:57

non working as a non retarded person at a

1:23:59

thrift store that is known for hiring the

1:24:01

handicap for outward appearances. It

1:24:03

was the day after Thanksgiving. I

1:24:05

was working there as a cashier. It

1:24:08

was a typical shitty high school job, but to

1:24:10

me, it was a better option than flipping

1:24:12

burgers. In all honesty, being the dumb high school kid that

1:24:14

I was, I thought it would provide me

1:24:16

with some extra cash to blow on shit I didn't

1:24:18

need. The only thing it did provide me with was

1:24:21

depression and an absolute disdain for

1:24:23

menial tasks. I was

1:24:25

busy doing nothing when a guest came up to the register. She

1:24:28

said that there was some kind of problem in one of

1:24:30

the changing rooms. Oh no. We left the store. A

1:24:34

wiser man would have ignored her or delegated the task

1:24:36

to someone else. I, however, couldn't help myself.

1:24:38

He's got to clean up shit. Whether

1:24:41

it was out of boredom or sheer curiosity, I

1:24:43

had to investigate. This kind of remark usually just

1:24:45

led to a large pile of clothes on the

1:24:47

floor, finding that someone locked the door from inside

1:24:49

and slid out underneath the door as a prank.

1:24:52

As I drew closer, the unmistakable odor

1:24:54

of human feces overtook me. Later

1:24:57

in life, I would come to learn this smell as

1:25:05

the kind that is emitted from a person who has

1:25:08

contracted C. diff or

1:25:10

a post-mortem poo. I don't know what

1:25:12

C. diff is. Which occurs when a

1:25:14

recently deceased individual sphincter muscles eventually relaxes

1:25:16

and spills out the remaining contents of

1:25:19

their colon. Right. He's

1:25:21

just joking there. Fucking die. I died

1:25:23

in there. I don't know. Maybe. He's

1:25:26

saying it smells different. Or maybe

1:25:28

human shit from a dead person

1:25:30

smells different than regular shit. Well,

1:25:32

I don't know. Maybe he became

1:25:34

a medical professional over the years.

1:25:36

Okay. This was a

1:25:38

very different breed of stank altogether. A

1:25:41

pungent aroma that is

1:25:43

just not possible from even the worst bowel

1:25:45

movement a normal person could muster. I

1:25:47

grabbed a leather cowboy boot off

1:25:50

of a nearby shoe rack. Okay.

1:25:53

It seemed like a good idea at the time to

1:25:56

use a makeshift breathing apparatus. Like

1:25:58

a plague doctor. So he

1:26:00

took it like grabbing like some clothes

1:26:02

or something he took up someone's shoe

1:26:05

He took a cowboy boot

1:26:07

breathing apparatus fucking foot in it

1:26:09

for 30 years. Yeah Oh hell

1:26:12

is wrong because it's a thrift store. Yeah

1:26:16

That would be an improvement He's

1:26:19

smelling shit with leather thrown on the

1:26:21

top. So that's too bad decisions so

1:26:24

far from moving from the

1:26:26

register if I became overwhelmed with nausea

1:26:29

like a like a doctor from the From

1:26:32

the 60s putting some vapor rub or

1:26:34

something under your nose. Yeah Formaldehyde

1:26:37

in hindsight, maybe I wasn't as

1:26:39

non retarded as I originally thought

1:26:41

no that's retarded Well,

1:26:44

that's what he's saying in hindsight. He's not as

1:26:46

non Yeah When

1:26:49

I finally mustered the courage to open the

1:26:51

door It looked like someone had put their

1:26:53

finger over their anus and blasted whatever foul

1:26:55

substance was I mean

1:26:57

so it's like string their bowels all over the walls like

1:26:59

a special Jackson

1:27:02

Pollock Oh my masterpiece My

1:27:05

senses were overloaded Visually, it was too

1:27:07

much to process and taken all at once There's

1:27:10

one thing I observed that day that has haunted me through the

1:27:12

years about this guy. So was that was there a dead body?

1:27:14

I guess not No, what was

1:27:16

all that shit about the colon then? Well, he's

1:27:19

just saying that he was trying to maybe that's

1:27:21

how bad It was see and maybe he's a

1:27:23

medical person now who

1:27:25

maybe yeah, someone should it out or

1:27:27

not that there's one thing I observed that data has

1:27:29

haunted me throughout the years about the ghastly sight once

1:27:31

I had Comprehended what had happened to the walls. My

1:27:33

eyes were slowly drawn upward a white ribbon of toilet

1:27:35

paper About four or

1:27:38

five inches long was delicately and gently

1:27:40

flapping down Attached to it

1:27:42

was a big pile of shit hanging

1:27:44

like a hornet's nest from the ceiling

1:27:46

what this wasn't some unfortunate accident It

1:27:48

was intentional someone willing to handle their

1:27:50

own shit. Oh wow Gross

1:27:56

Wow now there's no way in hell I was gonna clean that

1:27:58

up. I told the manager they tasked one of the people in

1:28:00

the back room to handle it. Uh, the back

1:28:02

room is where they hide the disabled and handy. Oh

1:28:06

no handicap people who

1:28:08

work there. I don't know for a fact,

1:28:11

uh, if they volunteered or if there

1:28:13

were specifically chosen, they

1:28:15

were essentially mute and couldn't say no. But

1:28:17

from the back room to arm only with

1:28:19

a mob came Henry. Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry,

1:28:22

Henry was

1:28:26

done dirty. Henry

1:28:28

needs some kind of fucking Henry looked like

1:28:30

Mario from Super Mario Brothers. If Mario

1:28:32

was six, four, 250 pounds with a

1:28:34

heavy case of down syndrome, terrible

1:28:37

Christmas story. Yeah, this is not and

1:28:39

wore a rainbow suspenders to keep his

1:28:41

pants from falling down constantly. She has

1:28:43

shoe lift on one side because his

1:28:45

legs weren't equaling. Yeah. When he walked, his

1:28:47

shoe would clomp on the ground so badly.

1:28:49

You could hear him coming a mile away

1:28:51

or maybe it was a secret

1:28:54

device they put on the Katoa

1:28:56

reward. Anyway, here they could tell

1:28:59

like a bell on a cat.

1:29:04

We lost another retarded person. Put a, put

1:29:06

some clompers on tap shoes on them. What's,

1:29:09

is there something? Does he have a condition?

1:29:11

It's like he, his mom was part draft

1:29:13

horse. Anyway,

1:29:17

Henry slipped and fell in the shit. Oh no.

1:29:19

When he went down, he went down hard either

1:29:21

from losing his balance to 50.

1:29:23

Do slickness of big do that

1:29:26

spread on the floor. Oh man. A hornet's

1:29:28

nest of poop that finally gave

1:29:30

way and startled him. Oh, Henry went

1:29:32

into a shit covered raid and started tearing

1:29:38

up the store. Good. Good.

1:29:40

I decided I'd had enough for

1:29:42

the day. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm

1:29:48

clocking out. Oh

1:29:51

man, Henry, that'll break any turn

1:29:55

into a big deal of legal threats and

1:29:57

coverups because an obviously mentally handicapped person was

1:29:59

passed with cleaning up, falling

1:30:01

in, and becoming contaminated with a

1:30:03

known biohazard. OSHA really

1:30:05

does not like when that happens. Regardless, every

1:30:07

Thanksgiving I take a moment to think of

1:30:09

Henry, and how thankful I was

1:30:12

that he didn't have to clean up that horror

1:30:14

show. Well, it sounds like he didn't either. If

1:30:17

he started destroying the store. Right?

1:30:21

He probably took a short day too. Should

1:30:23

I have one of those retarded guys clean up all that shit? I

1:30:27

don't know. Would you want one of those retarded guys to have

1:30:29

a bucket full of shit? Not really. Well,

1:30:32

perhaps then no. If

1:30:35

you will excuse me, I must return

1:30:38

to my research. Happy

1:30:40

Thanksgiving. Regards, Brick Novak. Well,

1:30:43

thank you very much. That was

1:30:45

a fucking disgusting Brick Novak. Yeah.

1:30:49

Um, all I'm picturing,

1:30:52

I'm picturing like, you know, like 6'4", 250. I'm

1:30:55

picturing this bit. I'm picturing Michael Clark

1:30:57

Duncan from Green Mile. Having to go,

1:30:59

you know, suspenders, uneven shoes. Right.

1:31:03

Fucking slipping and shit and then going

1:31:05

into a complete rage.

1:31:08

Tearing doors off dressing rooms. Fucking

1:31:12

wing and cowboy boots into the storefront windows.

1:31:14

Did he have a mustache? He said he

1:31:17

looked like Mario. Oh, yeah, he did.

1:31:19

So he had a mustache. He got shit on his mustache. Yeah,

1:31:22

and that changes my mental

1:31:24

picture. It's not as funny

1:31:26

now. Ah, well, maybe it's

1:31:28

funnier. I don't know. Good story.

1:31:31

Yeah, that's shit

1:31:33

you'll see working retail, I guess. Advice

1:31:36

about X's and crosswords from Jeff. Hey,

1:31:38

Dick, I traveled for work and

1:31:41

recently an ex-girlfriend did crosswords and fucked

1:31:43

your ex, did you? Were

1:31:46

you asking if it's a good idea? Yeah, I do a bunch of

1:31:49

coke and fuck my ex-girlfriend. Oh, gee, I don't

1:31:51

know. What do you think? I

1:31:54

travel work and recently an ex-girlfriend hit me up

1:31:56

while I'm working. I'm asking if I want

1:31:59

to do crosswords with her. her C cups and her

1:32:01

best friend upon my arrival home in a month.

1:32:05

We're all 20. Is

1:32:07

this an easy ticket to a threesome? You

1:32:10

need to order yourself some blue

1:32:12

shoes immediately and do

1:32:14

not. That's what's going to happen. Cause

1:32:17

that coke will turn your day

1:32:19

into a fucking nipple. Yeah. Do

1:32:22

not do the young guy thing. I was

1:32:24

on, I was on Danny Polish Chuck's show.

1:32:27

Yeah. Where people call in and they're, you

1:32:30

know, stupid problems. They ask for funny advice. Like

1:32:33

I called in saying he was a virgin

1:32:36

and super religious. She'd

1:32:38

never done anything with his girlfriend, but they're getting married

1:32:40

in like next month and

1:32:42

they're going to live together. And what are

1:32:44

my, what's my advice on living together with

1:32:47

a woman? Like why there's just, uh, there's

1:32:49

none. Like just, you know, tune

1:32:51

it out, learn how to tune it out. There's a

1:32:53

frequency that women speak in that you can train yourself

1:32:55

to tune out like a Roald Dahl character, right? And

1:32:57

it will take you years to do,

1:32:59

but start today. There's

1:33:01

no rush. This will take you the rest of your life to tune

1:33:03

it out completely. And then you die because

1:33:06

you're so happy. But the

1:33:08

real advice is for the wedding night,

1:33:11

you've never done anything. Get a fucking

1:33:13

blue shoe. And he's like, well, I'm

1:33:15

not worried about that. Like, okay. Nobody

1:33:17

ever was worried about it. Right. Nobody,

1:33:19

nobody said, Oh, Limpcock exactly as I

1:33:22

was expecting. Right. I knew,

1:33:24

I knew it would happen. Nobody ever said that.

1:33:26

Right. They all said not going to be a

1:33:28

problem. Not gonna be a problem for fucking me.

1:33:30

Because guess what? You're 20, but you might

1:33:32

have some nerves. I'm not calling you

1:33:34

for advice, shit brain. You are calling me.

1:33:37

So do what I'm saying to do. Put

1:33:39

the order in fucking now. Take

1:33:41

it. No matter what. You know, they

1:33:43

all better to have it and not need it. Yeah.

1:33:45

It's better to have a hard cock and not need

1:33:48

it. Do that. Let

1:33:52

me know how it goes. Yeah. How fat they

1:33:54

were that you haven't seen in how long

1:33:56

because I'm sure one of them, the best

1:33:59

friend is. probably two best

1:34:02

friends. Wait, wait,

1:34:04

wait. Was that a

1:34:06

different letter? Then what?

1:34:09

That was a different guy I was talking about. Yeah, okay. That's

1:34:12

what I thought. Same advice. Yeah,

1:34:14

sure, sure. Okay, let's do some fat-watching. All right. Fat-watch

1:34:17

today in fat news. Let's see here.

1:34:19

Too fat for your jeans? Why

1:34:32

not ruin them? This

1:34:36

is from... I didn't write

1:34:38

it down. Oh, it's got... Maybe I tried

1:34:41

to do that one. All right. I remember

1:34:43

that, I think. Really? And it got

1:34:45

ruined. Yeah. I was

1:34:47

like, is BMI how they do

1:34:49

it now? Well,

1:34:56

is BMI outdated? This fat lady seems to

1:34:58

think so. Doctors

1:35:00

told me my BMI is 33%. Wait a minute.

1:35:03

That's not how that... Is she being 33? Yeah,

1:35:07

that's not how that works. Let

1:35:13

me see. What's BMI?

1:35:16

BMI scale for women.

1:35:19

Did he take calipers and pinch her

1:35:21

arm? That's

1:35:24

how they do body fat. It's not BMI. She's

1:35:26

saying it's like

1:35:29

a body fat percentage. That's not

1:35:31

what BMI is, right? I don't

1:35:33

think so. No, no, no. It's body mass

1:35:35

index. Yeah, I thought it was just a

1:35:37

number. No, they are. They're numbers, right? So...

1:35:40

Oh, she fucked up. She

1:35:42

added the percentage part. Percent,

1:35:44

yeah. Okay. Why

1:35:46

didn't I get that? So 33

1:35:49

is obese. Oh,

1:35:51

yeah. 30 is obese. Sure. Overweight

1:35:55

is 25 to... Overweight

1:35:57

is anything under 30. Um,

1:36:01

Doc's told me my VMI is 33% and I'm obese. What

1:36:05

is this little symbol? I don't know. I

1:36:08

said, doc, the VMI is so outdated.

1:36:10

Oh yeah. Here we go. Yeah. Here

1:36:12

we go. She's gonna, she's gonna learn

1:36:14

the doctor something. I

1:36:17

said, doc, the BMI is show out. Jada early

1:36:19

1900s when everyone was in the depression and undernourished.

1:36:28

Yeah. Is that their story? Is that the story they're

1:36:30

telling them? Jesus Christ. Here's the

1:36:32

next zinger. Look, BMI came out

1:36:34

during the great depression when nobody

1:36:36

was eating and they were just

1:36:38

obsessed with how fat they were.

1:36:41

Right. So now when we have

1:36:43

abundance, sure. Uh, that

1:36:45

was never a healthy thing. Basically, I'm

1:36:49

Polynesian. My uncles are

1:36:51

120 kilograms of pure muscle. Yeah.

1:36:54

Yeah. Cause they're, I mean, those guys

1:36:57

who are 120 kilograms of pure muscle,

1:36:59

they've got such a known long lifespan,

1:37:01

you know, like the guy

1:37:03

who fucking sang over the rainbow with

1:37:05

a ukulele really fucking, I

1:37:08

think he died at like 87 didn't he? No.

1:37:11

Yeah. Yeah. He died. Yeah. He's

1:37:13

running a marathon, ultra marathon to

1:37:15

the buffet. Yeah.

1:37:20

Okay. Pure muscle. That's why their hearts give out.

1:37:22

Cause they're pumping so much because

1:37:24

they're seen as obese as well,

1:37:26

but they're pure muscle. Yeah. And

1:37:28

they can't get jobs in mining

1:37:30

because they're, uh, they're

1:37:33

seen as obese as well. Because of the

1:37:35

horse cart union. They can't, who

1:37:38

the fuck can't get jobs in mining? I

1:37:41

don't know. I mean, Polynesian guys, I,

1:37:43

you know, I don't know. Is that what they're telling

1:37:45

their wives, honey, why are you going to get a

1:37:47

job today? Too fat. Yeah.

1:37:49

The fucking white man. I'm too muscular.

1:37:52

Oh yeah. Yeah. It's fucking white

1:37:54

devil to say I'm too muscular to work in the mines.

1:37:57

Uh, because they're seen as obese as well.

1:38:00

My daughter and I are beautiful. Where's your daughter

1:38:02

come from? My daughter and I are beautiful and

1:38:04

don't need to lose weight. He agreed. With

1:38:06

two Gs. That's

1:38:10

probably, that's probably fake. Yeah,

1:38:12

I mean, that story is certainly

1:38:15

fake. Yeah. Right. You

1:38:18

know what? You're right. You're beautiful

1:38:20

just as you are. I don't know why doctors

1:38:22

even, Oh, just what's their fucking problem? Always

1:38:24

trying to make people lose

1:38:26

weight and stop drinking and they're

1:38:29

just like, cause they're, I

1:38:31

guess they're not having as much fun as they

1:38:33

thought. Maybe I don't have any fat doctors here

1:38:35

that you could go criticize. You got

1:38:37

to pick on me. I am kind

1:38:39

of on fat people side in that regard.

1:38:42

I'm sure you are. Right. Why

1:38:44

are you so fat? What am I here for a

1:38:46

big, for a, to hear about

1:38:48

how far I hear from here. I hear I could

1:38:50

go outside and someone could tell me I'm fat. Right.

1:38:53

I'm here for a

1:38:56

chicken that's stuck in my throat. Get

1:38:58

that out. Chicken bone, chicken

1:39:00

bone stuck in my throat. Okay.

1:39:07

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Watch. See,

1:39:10

if you look at this one yet. Oh,

1:39:16

wow. Okay. No

1:39:19

video encapsulates the American

1:39:22

experience in, now

1:39:24

it's really fucking sucks today. This

1:39:30

is a fat black

1:39:32

woman. Oh,

1:39:36

he's twerking. Man,

1:39:39

they love twerking. What the fuck?

1:39:42

You remember they didn't have twerking when we were kids, did they?

1:39:44

No, no, no. Who invented that? I

1:39:47

don't know. Well, I mean, if I had a time machine,

1:39:49

I'd probably kill them not Hitler. I know, it certainly wasn't called

1:39:51

twerking. Was it, did they ever do that shit?

1:39:53

I don't remember that. Cause they weren't too, they

1:39:55

weren't fat enough, right? Yeah, maybe not. Like

1:39:58

even in Sir Mix-a-lots, I like big butts. It

1:40:00

didn't have some fat bitch. He had nothing

1:40:02

I don't know phone buns that he was

1:40:04

hopping around on like a little leprechaun Yeah,

1:40:06

a little black leprechaun right singing about booty

1:40:08

what the fuck man. There wasn't this shit

1:40:13

You know the first instance of it It

1:40:15

could be like cable and x-men and trace

1:40:17

back the downfall of Yeah

1:40:19

civilization right first fucking bitch that learned

1:40:21

of the twerk. Yes. I'm gonna call

1:40:23

this fucking twerking Fuck

1:40:27

uh what a hippo that's

1:40:30

yeah, that's nothing. That's not good Shit

1:40:36

they're all mixed up Let

1:40:41

me see in the graveyard, okay Oh

1:40:51

Fat woman fell in a graveyard or she's

1:40:54

practicing For like a

1:40:56

couple years down the road see this is I'm good.

1:40:58

This I'm gonna lay down Was

1:41:02

she there to like her respect ground She

1:41:07

thought she smelled something good Yeah,

1:41:09

goodbye man, so she's down. She was

1:41:11

laying down or kneeling down in the

1:41:13

graveyard and she can't get up She's

1:41:17

fatted and she can't land well alert,

1:41:19

okay We

1:41:30

know he laughs yeah, you know turn

1:41:32

around use a fucking gravestone oh Oh

1:41:36

my god, we can't get up y'all and

1:41:38

they're all recording just rolled over like

1:41:41

a turtle. Oh No

1:41:55

I know Cory down. Oh,

1:41:57

I was gonna put this on Facebook Oh

1:42:07

Dude that looks like a ACL

1:42:09

right there Like she

1:42:12

was making a fucking like a like a pad

1:42:14

save as a I thought you'd go like Like

1:42:18

butterfly Can

1:42:21

you do this Oh,

1:42:31

I'm putting this on Facebook. Oh That

1:42:35

was I can't believe it I can't

1:42:38

believe that it was that much of a struggle to

1:42:40

fucking get up Like I've

1:42:42

seen people that fat, but they

1:42:44

get up easily from the ground though. I

1:42:46

guess I've never seen it Yeah, I realize

1:42:48

I've never seen that either Holy

1:42:52

shit. This one's from Vinny. Whoa Let's

1:42:55

see what we got here. Let's see though. Let's

1:42:57

see the level of fatness we have here Is

1:43:01

this like a slap fight is like just there

1:43:03

I think this is the best they can do

1:43:05

two big fat men slugging it out know what

1:43:07

I mean like I Think

1:43:10

they're fighting for real. You think so? Yeah, look at

1:43:12

how hard they're trying to hit That

1:43:15

guy's getting so no action in

1:43:17

you see that move. Yeah Well,

1:43:20

everything has to be around right?

1:43:22

Yeah, even though he's the size of the ring

1:43:24

Oh We

1:43:30

suppose they're fighting over not a girl I hope

1:43:34

Some of those poke main limited

1:43:36

edition cookies probably like their their orbital

1:43:38

paths or something. Oh colliding Yeah,

1:43:40

like I'm like no, it's like yeah,

1:43:42

I'm I'm orbiting this area like

1:43:44

it he You

1:43:48

take a different path It

1:43:50

can't yeah physically I'm physically impossible for

1:43:52

me to do that, right? Wow

1:44:01

He comes in hot. See, he

1:44:03

comes in almost like he's, you

1:44:06

know, you step, like you maintain

1:44:08

it in boxing, right? But that's

1:44:10

the only thing that looks like

1:44:12

he's actually done anything athletic in

1:44:14

his life. Well, they fuck

1:44:16

up because they should be doing sumo shit. Like

1:44:18

he should be throwing his weight in, not these

1:44:20

sissy slaps that he's up to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:44:23

You gotta grab his belt.

1:44:26

You gotta plant your feet. Is it a geek? Is it?

1:44:29

I don't know what it's called in. No, that's

1:44:32

what it's called in karate. Oh yeah, maybe

1:44:34

that's what I'm. Yeah. Okay. The diaper you're talking

1:44:37

about. I got it wrong. I don't know

1:44:39

what that, I forget what that thing's called. Um,

1:44:42

okay. That's, that's fat. That's something

1:44:45

else, man. I have a

1:44:47

woman alert. Another woman alert.

1:44:49

That's just, I need a

1:44:53

sound drop for that woman alert.

1:44:58

Um, oh

1:45:01

wait, here's another fat watch

1:45:03

rewind. This is four fat

1:45:08

police officer women trying

1:45:11

to arrest a male shoplifter for over

1:45:13

two minutes and he ends up escaping.

1:45:16

See, here's the four. Here's

1:45:18

the four fat women. Uh, they've

1:45:21

called in some reinforcements. I'm waddling

1:45:23

out of there. Two smaller cars

1:45:25

have gotten out of that car,

1:45:27

but those are actually female police

1:45:30

officers. Uh, and

1:45:32

they, they come over with their little

1:45:35

T-Rex arms tucked into their utility

1:45:37

belts. Um, dusting

1:45:40

off the dusting off

1:45:42

the cool ranch flavoring. Oh

1:45:44

no, there's one surrounded the

1:45:47

man, even though it would

1:45:49

only take one to surround

1:45:51

him surrounded the perpetrator of

1:45:53

the shoplifting. Now he's got

1:45:55

to be, he's got to

1:45:57

be panicked, right? After what happened in

1:46:00

George Floyd or totally turned on. Oh,

1:46:03

that's true. They're not some of our couple of them

1:46:07

are white, right? They're trying to

1:46:09

arrest him, but they have no

1:46:11

idea how arms or

1:46:13

leverage work. Yeah, it's just two

1:46:15

fat pigs clinging on to this

1:46:18

skinny black guy's hoodie. There's got

1:46:20

to be I can get

1:46:22

out of this. Oh, you

1:46:25

get another vehicle over to the

1:46:27

system on the side of the back

1:46:29

up. Right. What happens to backup? I

1:46:32

think one's reaching for her. Can I

1:46:42

get a couple more cars? Yeah. Yeah. So all the women

1:46:45

you have, we get every woman on the

1:46:50

one of them, one of them reached for their taser,

1:46:52

but accidentally pulled the chockadile. Well,

1:46:55

he's lucky to try to

1:46:57

take them to be dead.

1:46:59

They're kind of flattening them up against the

1:47:03

wall. Three of them are exerting about 1700 pounds against

1:47:05

his back. The other one fat

1:47:15

woman is pushing the other fat

1:47:17

woman against him to pin him

1:47:19

against the wall. He's managed to

1:47:23

pull himself away. I mean, I'm trying to

1:47:26

mute those fucking cops. He's

1:47:28

pulled himself off of the wall. He's got two

1:47:30

fat women on each of his arms and

1:47:35

one of the

1:47:38

fat women's out of breath. They're

1:47:40

stooped over. Oh my God. Making

1:47:42

a break for it. There he

1:47:44

goes. There he goes later. No

1:47:47

chance of catching him. He's broken

1:47:49

off into a brisk jog. Yeah.

1:47:51

Right. Completely unable to catch him.

1:47:53

That's just fucking, what are these

1:47:55

cops for worthless?

1:47:58

I are absolutely flocking. 300

1:48:00

pound women allowed to work on the police.

1:48:04

What could they possibly do? You're

1:48:07

Chauvin got stabbed and,

1:48:10

uh, I didn't, uh, you know, I mean, that's not

1:48:12