0:00

Hello guys, my

0:03

name is Hoya,

0:06

I'm associate producer

0:08

at TDS and

0:11

I produced the

0:14

first episode of

0:28

season 4 which I was really excited about

0:31

and today is our

0:33

first episode of the

0:35

AFTR show which

0:38

by the way, yeah, this

0:41

one is a bonus for everybody and if

0:43

you're listening but you're not subscribed to the AFTR

0:46

show yet, what are you

0:48

waiting for? What are you doing? This

0:50

is where we spill all the tea,

0:52

are you crazy? Even

0:55

the fact that in this AFTR show, obviously it's

0:57

going to be free, it's a freebie, there's still

0:59

going to be a part of us that's

1:01

going to be a bit more controlled but girl, behind

1:03

the wall, we acted a damn crazy girl,

1:05

a damn fool, you know what I'm saying? But

1:09

I really encourage everyone to join AFTR show, AFTR shows are the

1:11

best, you get to know us

1:13

personally, why we choose certain stories,

1:15

who we are, our background, the

1:17

things that matter to us. All

1:21

the work that comes behind the scenes

1:23

and the decision making and all that

1:26

stuff, it's a lot of work

1:28

and it's fun work as well. Yeah, it's crazy

1:30

because people think the podcast is so easy, they're

1:32

just like, oh we just pump episodes and that's

1:34

it and it's like no. Nissa, you just open

1:36

your mic and you speak, what is there, what's

1:39

so complicated? You know I've had friends of mine,

1:41

actually jokes aside, I've had friends of mine ask

1:43

me and they go, but what do

1:45

you exactly do, I don't get it. You're

1:47

a producer but what do you produce? You're

1:50

not talking, you're not doing anything, what is

1:52

it that you do? Yeah, they're

1:54

a bit confused by it

1:56

but in the world of media

1:58

in general, it takes quite a great

2:00

deal to bring something that is

2:03

entertaining and engaging and meaningful. But

2:05

I always describe when people ask me how exactly

2:07

this like creating episodes and stories like

2:10

go. It's like it's the same

2:12

way, similar process of making a movie. Like

2:15

you guys have an understanding of how to

2:17

make a movie, casting, writers, producers,

2:21

you know, set like it's like it's the

2:23

same thing. It's the same thing. What we're

2:25

missing is like the video part of it,

2:27

you know? But we use

2:29

advanced technology like sometimes movies do,

2:31

you know, like there's

2:33

a sound engineer, there's a, you know, there's

2:36

everyone just like making a movie. Honestly, it's

2:38

almost the same. It's exactly like making a

2:40

movie. Exactly that. Yeah.

2:43

And imagine our turnover rate. Movies take what? A

2:45

year or two sometimes to make. We're turning over

2:47

movies in three months. Crazy. And

2:49

we're doing how many movies? I

2:51

know. And like it's always an hour, right?

2:54

And they complain. Listeners complain when the episodes

2:56

are short. Excuse me. You

2:58

know how hard that is. You know how

3:00

hard. They don't know a lie. We're crying

3:02

behind the scenes. Every time we

3:05

hear that was too short, crying, us crying in

3:07

the back are like, I basically lost my left

3:09

finger to do this. You don't

3:11

even know. You know? So, hi

3:13

Allah. Hi Allah. But

3:17

you know, our work, our work ethic, our

3:19

desire to bring this out really has little

3:21

to do with everybody else, but more to

3:23

do with wanting to please Allah Subhana ala

3:26

Allah, and telling the truth, you know,

3:28

being authentic and yeah,

3:30

creating a space where women can feel

3:32

safe and comfortable to kind

3:34

of talk about difficult things, honestly.

3:38

Yeah. Yeah. But

3:40

now I want to know how

3:42

you feel with your episode

3:45

out. It's been out for two days

3:47

now. Girl,

3:49

girl. You know, honestly,

3:52

you know this, Hoya. Because first of all,

3:55

most people don't know the Hoya has worked

3:57

with me on almost all

4:00

of my openers except the very first opener.

4:03

But you worked on Had I Known with

4:05

me, which was a banger. You

4:07

did very, very well in the charts. Everyone,

4:11

it seems to be like everyone's favorite episode.

4:15

And you also did the very, very,

4:17

very popular but

4:19

heavy episode Her Name is Hannah.

4:21

And then you also did now this season's

4:23

opener. So I kind of treat you like,

4:25

you know, like

4:28

the magic producer, like the one that's going

4:30

to be hit wonders. Like every time you

4:32

go, you're going to be heavy hitters. Don't

4:34

say that because it's too much pressure. That's

4:36

too much pressure. It is for pressure. You

4:38

saw me crack under pressure trying to do

4:40

this episode. It was what we what we

4:42

start working on this episode. Like we knew

4:44

that I would open the season in

4:48

January because we tried to do back and forth. I

4:50

tried to say, no, I don't want to do open anymore.

4:52

Like this is too much pressure. You

4:54

know, end of January, I

4:56

think we officially decided end of January

4:59

start of February that you were doing your opener.

5:02

Yeah, yeah. We had a different plan. And

5:05

the reason, like, obviously, how many stories can I

5:07

tell you guys? How many stories do I have

5:10

in the socket that I can tell? Because

5:12

let's be let's keep it a buck. Your

5:15

girl has only been on this planet for 31 years. I

5:17

haven't seen a whole lot, you know what I'm

5:20

saying? And I haven't I wouldn't say I experienced

5:22

a whole lot. I have experienced a lot, but

5:24

not a whole lot, where I can just be

5:26

throwing stories and openers season after season. So I

5:28

just didn't think I had a

5:30

story to tell that I felt

5:32

like was on theme for

5:34

this season, which is fighting for faith. When

5:37

I think about it, I'm like, everybody has, I guess,

5:40

a moment, a memory,

5:43

even a story about fighting what it took to fight. But

5:46

it wasn't until I really it really dawned

5:48

on me because I kept what I kept

5:50

doing. Hoya, I kept comparing my story to

5:52

everybody else. Who everybody else is. I said

5:54

these people have been through war or

5:57

who are currently in a genocide. And

6:00

I'm supposed to be a season opener and

6:02

tell my contribution. It just

6:04

felt so shallow. I felt a

6:06

little bit embarrassed. I was like, I

6:08

have nothing to add to this conversation. But

6:10

you know, I feel like you missed that.

6:12

You missed the point. We

6:15

all understand you're not fighting like an

6:17

actual fight. Like you're not, there's not

6:19

an oppressor, you know what I mean?

6:21

Like per se, but there is, we're

6:23

oppressed in different ways in life. And

6:26

we're tested in different ways. And

6:28

everybody fights in its

6:30

own battle. And I feel like for this

6:32

season, had we not put your episode, then

6:34

you know, people, what they like about TDS

6:37

is that they can relate to

6:39

a certain extent. No one will like say

6:42

out loud, oh, I relate to someone in

6:44

a genocide or something. Because you'll feel bad

6:46

that you're even saying that you relate to

6:48

her experience. Because your life has nothing to

6:50

do with that. What they're living is a

6:52

million times harder and nothing that we can

6:54

imagine. But it

6:57

doesn't mean that people don't fight every day.

7:00

And I feel like that's what your episode

7:02

brought to this season. To

7:05

validate the fight of the

7:07

others as well. Yeah, I guess as a person

7:09

who grew up obviously in the West, our

7:12

fight is different. But

7:15

it's meaningful too. Like obviously I was so connected to

7:17

all the stories that are going to come to

7:19

follow. They're very, very powerful. I just kept thinking,

7:22

how do I not match up to these women?

7:24

These women have done great things. What have I

7:27

done? And I just started to just belittle

7:29

myself in my experiences. And

7:32

also only because I really admire them. I really

7:34

admire them. And every time I came listening to

7:36

their episode, I kept thinking, what have I done?

7:40

What have I done? What

7:42

have I done? What have I contributed? I

7:45

have to do more. And I think that's

7:47

the point of the episodes. They're there to kind of inspire

7:49

you and also to kind of allow

7:52

you to think inwardly a bit about

7:54

what you're currently doing and what you can do

7:56

more. And so I just went into that rabbit hole and really wanted to do

7:58

more. Really stunted.

8:00

Yeah me you

8:03

guys I have to I have to keep it real

8:05

like this Like this was

8:07

really hard. It really was I know it when you

8:09

listen to the episode It sounds like a very easy

8:11

story and maybe it's just maybe to use a basic

8:13

story But for me it really

8:15

took me back to a really difficult

8:18

time Like it really and

8:20

you whoa you saw me how much I don't have

8:22

to pause when I was crying I was like, oh

8:24

this is too much like I was mentally going there

8:26

will be here you cry twice And

8:28

it was more than that. Yeah, I mean I just

8:30

I was such it because it for me at that

8:32

time It was I would say was one of the

8:34

most difficult things I ever had gone through it in

8:36

my personal Like personally like

8:38

you know what something it just affects you personally

8:42

But I was in a personal turmoil for like

8:44

a long time it wasn't something that happened just

8:47

one year, but it affected me for a course

8:49

of several years and And really

8:51

impacted my relationship with Allah sallallahu alayhi wa

8:53

sallam in the best way at first I

8:55

thought it was a negative way and then

8:57

I only found myself only

8:59

close to Allah like I reckon now that

9:01

journey was a necessary journey and I Just

9:05

I'm grateful for the opportunity to be able to go

9:07

back To go

9:09

back to my story to go back to the things that led

9:11

up to where I am now And to be

9:13

able to also say that Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Like

9:16

to give his dues, you know and to

9:18

glorify him because I do that

9:21

personally like I I have moments like that But to

9:23

be able to share and say yo Allah got me

9:25

through this and what he gave me in return Was

9:28

far greater, you know than when I gave

9:30

up. Yeah, so how to lost

9:32

so I just I'm grateful that I got to say That on

9:34

the mic and I'm grateful that I

9:36

got to share that About

9:38

Allah and and I

9:40

know people are gonna relate because while I was

9:43

listening to your episode for people obviously that don't

9:45

know I didn't grow up in the West

9:47

at all I grew

9:49

up in Mauritania being Muslim was never

9:51

an issue because I'm in a Muslim country

9:53

right and then I went abroad to study

9:55

and I had a really really bad experience

9:57

with my hijab and being

10:00

a foreigner, generally speaking. And so

10:02

from your experience, I relate to that a

10:05

lot. And I never saw it as a

10:07

fight for my faith. I just saw it

10:09

as, you know, me

10:11

being the victim of mean people and nothing

10:13

to do with that. Like I never, I

10:16

don't want to say romanticized thing.

10:18

I never saw it as a good thing. And I

10:20

hope I like to think

10:22

that a lot of people are going to relate

10:25

to what it's like to be a Muslim

10:27

woman, especially with Muslim women of color with

10:29

a hijab abroad. But I want

10:31

to know about it. Because

10:34

obviously the episode is long enough and we had

10:36

to cut a lot, but I wish I didn't

10:38

have to cut half the things I cut. I

10:42

want to know more about your friendship

10:44

with Marianne because I know she was

10:46

the one that got you

10:48

to the message. And I know that you

10:51

guys were very like your friendship to me

10:53

seems like a very important one. Oh my

10:55

goodness. So I was really sad when I

10:57

got the news that you couldn't add her

10:59

audios. And yeah, I'm so

11:02

sorry. I'm sorry, Marianne, if you're

11:04

listening. I love my so much.

11:07

I had a nickname for her. I called her

11:10

Dixon, because they were multiple millions at university, the

11:12

university we went to there's like, there was like a lot

11:15

of others like three. And I gave her the nickname Dixon,

11:17

because that's an area that she lives in Toronto. But

11:20

my again, is one of my

11:22

only friends today.

11:25

One of them, there's like

11:27

maybe there's a few more like maybe I think three

11:29

more piece three or four people that

11:31

remember me at this time, when

11:33

I didn't wear hijab. Okay,

11:36

most of the people in my life

11:38

today, that I call my roadies my

11:40

ride like like they like family to

11:42

me, who I'm

11:45

very close to today are all most of them

11:47

have never seen me at a

11:49

period of time where I didn't wear hijab. They only

11:51

saw me wearing full jilbab. But

11:53

Marianne was one of the only people

11:55

that knew me before that she saw

11:57

me get close to Allah she saw

11:59

me my life. She saw me from

12:01

wearing, from like coming from a predominantly white

12:04

school to going into this like Ivy League

12:06

school, both of us in there, I never

12:08

met. And I was a complete weirdo by

12:10

the way. I was a weirdo and

12:12

if you guys remember, I told you guys in the episode, I

12:15

was collecting people like Pokemon.

12:17

I was collecting a Muslim, had jabby friends

12:19

like Pokemon. Because I told myself, oh I'm

12:21

here, like I, I want to

12:23

change my life, I want to be friends with Muslim

12:26

women, I want to get kuso a lot, and the

12:28

way that I can do that is I need to

12:30

change my friend group. But like I had never knew

12:33

how to make friends before

12:35

because in high school, the people that

12:37

I was friends with were also the same people I

12:39

was friends with in elementary. So imagine, I don't know

12:42

what it's like to like say, hey, I want

12:44

to be friends. Like I didn't know how to do that,

12:46

like who does that? Like I've been friends my whole life.

12:49

It's so strange. It's so strange.

12:51

And so I didn't know how to kind of like,

12:53

I guess shoot my shot, my friendship shot. So

12:55

I just didn't know how to do it. And so obviously, Muddy

12:57

was the first person that caught my weirdness. I was like, I'm

13:00

not gonna do too much. I'm just gonna go straight up to

13:02

her, sit right beside her because we had a class together. And

13:04

so I just like into the classroom, I spot had

13:06

jabby, I'm like, she's not gonna be

13:09

friends. And I sit beside her.

13:11

And I remember she was like, looking at me, I remember

13:13

her kind of looking at me a little scared.

13:15

She's like, why is this girl coming up to

13:17

me? What does she want? I mean, that's what

13:19

my view, I'm sure Muddy thinks otherwise. And Marian's

13:21

gonna tell us her story. We're gonna put her

13:23

in. We're gonna let her tell us the her

13:25

side of the screen. Here we go. Play the

13:28

audio. I

13:31

live and I met in uni. We had a

13:33

class together our first year, you know, the seminar

13:35

course where we spent most of our time, just

13:38

reading and writing essays on the books that we

13:40

read. But the first time I

13:42

met her was outside of that class on

13:44

the benches in Woodsworth College. I'd

13:46

gotten there a little early in the hallways outside

13:48

of the classes in Woodsworth. There's a couple of

13:50

windows facing the small courtyard.

13:53

And depending on where you are

13:55

sitting, the sunlight hits you.

13:57

So me, you know, like I tucked myself as

13:59

close to the door as I could. Just kind

14:01

of scrolling on my phone, you know, waiting for

14:03

glass to start when I feel

14:05

someone sit next to me. From

14:07

the corner of my eye I can see it's

14:10

a girl and I think, okay, black

14:12

girl, curly hair, glasses. And

14:15

then I just went straight back to what I was doing, you

14:17

know? And it was not a full

14:20

minute before I feel her squished closer

14:22

to me and just the

14:24

sensation of eyes looking at you. And

14:27

I lowkey switched to the side a

14:29

little bit too because I'm like, why is this person so

14:31

close to me? But I was already at the

14:33

edge so I would have fallen off the bench and I said, I'm not

14:35

going to obey myself on my first day in this

14:37

class. I'm not falling off this bench. So

14:40

I look up at her, I'm a little

14:42

bit confused, giving her a what are you

14:44

doing look and she goes, hi.

14:47

Such a bright voice. She's smiling and

14:50

she introduces herself and I'm so perplexed

14:52

but I say, hi. And I do

14:56

the same thing and I'm like, oh, this girl's too nice.

14:58

And you know, we just start talking

15:00

a little bit. I'm thinking it's a little one,

15:02

two intro. And then she sits next to me

15:04

when we go into class and she keeps the

15:07

conversation going. And it was

15:10

so bizarre. I

15:12

thought she's a weirdo that first day and I'm pretty sure

15:14

she thought I was a weirdo because why

15:16

am I so afraid to say hi? You

15:18

know that meme where people are like, how do

15:20

you make friends as an adult? Sitting

15:23

next to Adele for me was that.

15:25

And then when class ended, Adele said,

15:27

hey, do you want

15:29

to join us at the library? A couple of us are hanging

15:31

out, I'll introduce you to some people. And

15:34

then I was like, okay, cool. It can't be

15:36

that bad. And goes her to robots. I

15:39

should shoot now. It felt like

15:41

she collected as many of the supplies in our

15:43

year as she could. And I

15:46

was just so baffled because I was just saying

15:48

hi to all these people and she's introducing

15:50

me and I'm just seeing more

15:52

Somali people than I had seen at U

15:54

of T. Okay, so I

15:57

have to explain myself here because money done,

15:59

Aaron. I missed it

16:01

outside. I have to explain

16:03

myself. First of all, she's absolutely right. That's

16:06

exactly what I did. I was indeed a weirdo. And second of

16:08

all, I had a strategy. And

16:10

my strategy was, okay, I never knew,

16:12

I never had, quote unquote, first

16:15

of all, black friends in general, let alone

16:17

Somali friends, okay? So every time I saw

16:19

a person of color who wore hijab, they

16:21

were Somali. You know what I'm saying? So

16:23

it wasn't that I was picking Somalis from

16:25

the school. It's just

16:27

they were the only ones I could visibly see

16:30

who were Muslim, and I

16:32

wanted their positive influence. And

16:34

so what kills me about

16:36

the story that she told about me bringing her

16:38

into the library and then introducing her to like

16:40

10 million Somali friends. You know what I'm saying?

16:43

You're such a weirdo. You know

16:45

what's giving? It's giving us something.

16:48

She must have been scared. She must have been scared.

16:50

No, honestly. The thing is,

16:52

like I said, I didn't know how to

16:54

make friends. Obviously, even she just got me

16:56

scooching, like scooching over. I remember that because

16:58

I'm thinking maybe she'll break the ice first.

17:01

Let me just like move closer to her. You know, I was, I made

17:03

no sense. Well, I am when

17:05

I think about it, that makes no sense. I would

17:07

never do that now. But you have to remember, like

17:10

I came from a completely Caucasian school. I've been friends

17:12

with people for decades. I never

17:14

had to meet quote unquote new people. That

17:16

wasn't a common experience. So I just didn't

17:18

know. And also like I knew that people

17:20

wouldn't talk to me. So I

17:22

was like, or why am I going to wait for somebody to

17:24

talk to me? I'll just whatever. But the part that kills me

17:26

is that like, I treated

17:28

that moment, that time,

17:32

every time I saw a Hajabi

17:35

by herself, I kept

17:37

thinking, oh my God, I know a community of

17:39

people that I think she'd like and

17:43

would feel less lonely. So at some point it became

17:45

less about me and more about this

17:47

is the right thing. We

17:50

should be creating community. Community is

17:52

important. Being Muslim, being

17:54

black and being in

17:56

this quote unquote Ivy league institution.

18:00

need each other like I knew that was that

18:02

was true and so yeah every time I if

18:04

I would be walking to even class and I

18:06

thought I had jabby bro you don't even know

18:08

I'm like sister hey it looked like I think

18:10

at some point there's one sister said to me

18:12

I'll never care name I forget her name was

18:14

I think her name was Aisha she

18:16

asked me if I had started a club I said

18:19

I said what do you mean she's like you

18:24

keep like you have this group of people like

18:27

it is the club I said girl no we

18:29

just collected people so we can be friends she

18:31

literally looked at me like what

18:34

I say yeah you know that's not

18:36

weird behavior when it comes to you

18:38

I feel like any it like if

18:40

people when people get to know you

18:43

like people that know would they wouldn't

18:45

be surprised does that make sense I

18:47

mean matches up with your personality so

18:49

well I can I can actually imagine

18:52

you're right now in front of my

18:54

eyes doing this you're weird like that

18:56

and I also you know supandala I

18:58

love sisterhood mm-hmm

19:01

and even at that point of my journey

19:03

and getting to Allah I hadn't fully experienced

19:06

sisterhood yet not to the level that I

19:08

am at now that I created a whole

19:10

platform called the digital story but

19:12

like even then like I

19:15

valued it so much because I know what it was

19:17

like to be without it I

19:20

knew what it's like to live a life without that

19:23

camaraderie that sisterhood that safety

19:25

that compassion like you know

19:27

women open the world to you and when a woman opens

19:29

the world to you supandala and especially if

19:31

she's like a good practicing she

19:34

can change your life literally she

19:36

can change your life she can change how you

19:38

see things she can change how you see yourself

19:41

and so for me it was like I

19:43

was benefiting such a great deal from

19:46

so many relationships I was like I want that for

19:48

everyone what the heck and everyone should have it everyone

19:50

should know about this group everyone should be invited what

19:52

the heck all we do is study together hang out

19:55

together talk about our lives we talk about the things that

19:57

we want we talk about our dreams we talk about our

19:59

relationship with Allah We talked about like

20:01

just where we came from like just that

20:03

community was everything for me And so if

20:05

I had to be a weirdo shoot, I'll

20:07

be a weirdo So the message that I

20:09

talk about all the time throughout

20:12

the seasons called KBW was

20:14

because of money in like money in Introduced

20:16

me to this message this

20:19

community people were doing Thursday cleanup There

20:21

was there was a community of sisters

20:23

in the mosque. I thought mosques at

20:25

the time were for funerals I

20:28

thought people only went there for funerals. I didn't know people went

20:30

there to like gain knowledge Find

20:33

community hang out bro. You'd go to one

20:35

of the rooms and people just be sitting

20:37

there drinking tea How

20:40

I never knew that existed It wasn't until I met

20:42

Maria and that she opened up a whole

20:44

new world for me and the world that she opened up

20:47

truly changed my life and so

20:49

there are Friends and people

20:51

out there that will show you things that

20:54

you didn't know existed and so that's why I'm such

20:56

a big deal and those

20:58

moments those relationships really are

21:00

the reason why I believe in TDS because if I

21:03

can show you a new world of Thinking

21:05

a feeling of being in this

21:07

dunya as a Muslim girl then

21:10

I've done my job like if I we've done our

21:12

job all of us have done our job and It's

21:16

because of relationships and moments. I've had If you're

21:19

if you're a shy anxiety girl Afraid

21:26

to shoot a shot shoot a shot I did and

21:28

it and it was good and turn out amazing for

21:30

me You're saying that

21:32

if you get people to have this type

21:34

of sisterhood, then you've done your job I

21:37

want to know more about the

21:40

digital sisterhood and I

21:42

hear I want to know what

21:44

happened when you're selling mattresses that made

21:46

you feel like okay I'm

21:48

gonna create this you know

21:51

sisterhood. It really sounds like Rags

21:54

the riches story when you say it like

21:56

that I'm

22:00

like, really? Well, like...

22:04

There's no riches at the end, except, I

22:06

mean, the riches of, like, my

22:08

dame. But, like, it was all rags,

22:10

babes. It was all rags. Um,

22:13

IKEA was a huge turning point.

22:16

It was such a confusing time. That's how I

22:19

best describe IKEA. It was what I

22:21

did while I was in limbo. And I really want to set

22:23

this record straight here. Anybody who

22:25

works at IKEA and gets good

22:27

pay, that's still good. That's

22:29

a good line. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong

22:31

with working those jobs. Um,

22:35

as long as it makes you happy, and as long as something...

22:37

Even if it doesn't make you happy, but it allows you to

22:40

live the way that you want to live. Then,

22:42

I'm doing that, and that deserves, you know, gratitude.

22:46

All the respect and gratitude. I think

22:48

this for me, I was in such an

22:50

interesting time, because I, you know... I

22:54

worked through IKEA while I was in my last year. And

22:56

then, when I finished, I was still working

22:58

there. And I was

23:00

confused about where I was going in

23:02

life. I had, you know, basically

23:04

told my teacher, run up. I'm not bending the

23:06

knee. Took a feeling grade. Um,

23:09

after four years

23:12

of building what I thought would

23:14

give me this, like, good life. A good

23:16

career. Like, before years, I was like, oh, this is

23:18

like my comeback. I'm gonna, you know,

23:20

go back to school. I'm gonna get what I need to, and

23:22

I'm gonna get a good job. And I'm gonna support

23:24

my family, I'm gonna support myself. I'm gonna just

23:27

be a productive member of society. And then, here

23:29

I was, again, finding myself in a position where

23:31

I just couldn't do it. I

23:33

started to become really detached from

23:36

myself. And,

23:38

I don't know, I just

23:40

became really like... It's just like, I just,

23:43

I just imagine me pulling, you know, taking

23:45

products, putting it on the shelves. Just doing

23:47

the same thing day in and day out.

23:50

If somebody asks me, what are you doing next? I... It

23:53

made me so sad. Because there was never a time in

23:55

my life where I didn't know what was next, per se.

23:58

The way I didn't know what was next. next at

24:00

that time. So it just threw

24:02

me for a loop. I was just feeling sadness and

24:05

confusion and so instead of eating

24:07

in the lunchroom I ate in the meditation room and I

24:09

remember SubhanAllah it was like a really

24:11

good place because I could

24:13

pray, I prayed like I could pray any solo

24:16

I wanted. I had

24:18

a moment of privacy I could make to

24:20

her, I could vocalize my dialogue loud so

24:22

I'd eat my food in there and I'd

24:24

just pray, pray to feel

24:27

relief, pray for guidance, pray for

24:29

aid, pray for understanding. Why do

24:31

I feel this way? Yalla why do

24:33

I feel this way? Like I've done like

24:35

you know what and I explained this frustration in

24:37

my episode like I've done everything you

24:40

want me to do I'm trying to be a good Muslim

24:42

but I feel like it's not paying off. I

24:44

feel like I'm just left to like

24:46

be to be lost and I'm like but why

24:49

am I lost I'm only seeking your guidance.

24:52

So that was really frustrating for me

24:54

you know it's part of they always

24:56

say like those moments of frustration and

24:58

those moments of like difficulty is the

25:01

catalyst of what everything changes like literally

25:03

your life literally takes the craziest 360

25:05

you could have ever

25:07

planned and I just didn't

25:09

know at the time which is so wild I wish I could talk

25:11

to her and say you'll relax. You're about

25:13

to you're about to go on a crazy journey right

25:16

now just chill like you know

25:18

but SubhanAllah I needed to be in a

25:20

state of turmoil I needed to be where

25:22

I was at mentally to make

25:24

the choices that I was gonna make fall

25:27

after which was where we are right

25:29

now at TDS like I would have

25:31

never dared to dream if

25:34

I wasn't at rock bottom you know when

25:36

you know what you know when you're at the bottom Khoya

25:38

like you know what you just take you're not scared of

25:40

anything. You're not scared of nothing. You're like I'm at

25:42

the bottom. I'm at the bottom. She's

25:45

got a lot of big dreams anyway. Everything's

25:47

looking up. Everything is looking up. Like I got nothing

25:49

like nothing I lost right now bro like that's how

25:51

I see it. It

25:54

was like I was like who cares if people laugh at me or think

25:56

it's weird that I'm starting a platform or I'm trying to

25:58

do something. And for me

26:01

was so important that whatever I started

26:03

with a fulfilled the part of me

26:05

that wants to give back So

26:07

bad There was a thing in

26:09

me that wanted to like be of support

26:11

to people I just could not shake it like even if you

26:13

ask my friend Kavina who worked at IK She always ask me

26:15

where would you be? I'm like all I know is I want

26:18

to help people Because and

26:20

when I help people is when I feel the most helped

26:22

by Allah That's

26:24

how I always that's why I was always at the mosque. That's

26:27

why they were there every class Like

26:30

I always thought that when I did things

26:32

for the sake of Allah that all of a sudden

26:34

aided me It supported me guided me I never felt

26:37

in loss or confusion when I was doing that and

26:39

when I was in those spaces So for me, it

26:41

was like I need that back because

26:43

COVID is not letting us go to the mosque

26:45

It's not letting us be in community anymore And

26:47

I am feeling the ramifications of it in a

26:49

very intense way And so for

26:51

me was like this I was starting something to

26:54

gain those things back And and just as my friend

26:56

had said when I was first talking to

26:58

her about TDS before it fully took off She

27:01

said if you do for the sake of Allah, Fauntler, why

27:04

wouldn't Allah support you? You

27:06

know, why wouldn't he support you? This is something

27:08

rooted in him. Why wouldn't he doesn't make any

27:11

sense? And so Yeah,

27:13

and I really took her advice on that and you

27:15

know what? She was absolutely right She

27:18

was absolutely right and now

27:20

look at us like TDS and has employed

27:22

people it showcases people

27:24

it you know what One

27:27

thing also about TDS I think I don't

27:29

know if it's obvious or not But it's

27:32

the digital sisterhood right and then we share

27:34

these stories and people listen and that's a

27:36

big sisterhood right there But

27:39

I also think that within the team

27:41

it also created a sisterhood in the

27:44

team like

27:46

I love working with TDS so

27:48

much because My favorite meetings

27:51

are the weekly meetings where we see everyone, you

27:53

know It's my favorite one

27:55

and then and one fun fact about

27:57

TDS meetings is that they never start

28:00

at the time they're supposed to start because

28:02

when we get in we need 30 minutes

28:04

for everybody to update each other and see

28:06

we hadn't spoke the day before does that

28:08

make sense and i love it so much

28:11

and i always describe this to my friends

28:13

and people when they

28:15

ask me it's i feel like i

28:17

just with a bunch of friends of

28:19

mine trying to create something that's good

28:22

and that's about it it never feels

28:24

like work so even when you created

28:26

this platform for others the

28:28

people in it themselves they're

28:31

benefiting just as much as the people outside

28:33

of it does that make sense yeah i'm

28:35

just and when you hear me when you

28:37

say that way it makes me so it

28:40

makes me so happy it makes me so emotional

28:42

because like i've

28:44

always it's all i ever wanted sorry i don't want to

28:47

get emotional but all i've ever wanted you should

28:50

get emotional people need to know that you're a crier

28:52

okay i think they

28:55

know i think they know i'm trying to

28:57

be a thug um but

28:59

i can't i can't i'm not i'm

29:01

not built that way but it's like

29:04

such a a

29:06

privilege but it i know i know

29:09

that alasatah aided this like he supported us

29:11

like i can't tell you and i'm not

29:13

talking about like from a financial place or

29:15

like uh like like

29:17

when i tell you alas created peace and

29:20

like inspiration out of us it is

29:22

he's created unity i don't even i

29:25

can't explain the unification of it um

29:28

it's just truly extraordinary and i just

29:30

i i can only praise alasatah for that and it

29:33

is the best workplace in the world um obviously

29:36

it's not perfect it has its moments and

29:38

difficulties but walahi everything good needs

29:40

to have its like you know difficulty

29:43

and it's push but at at

29:45

the top of it it is all beautiful

29:48

with so much blessings and hamdulillah to be

29:50

able to wake up every day and do

29:52

something that is beneficial to others um

29:55

and yeah and just seek reward from allah like we

29:57

can go every day and say yeah can't wait for

29:59

my akhana bag can't wait

30:01

to see how that's gonna stack up. It's

30:03

like it's the dream job to do something

30:14

that also provides for you but also it

30:17

does good in the world. SubhanAllah those kind

30:19

of occupations those kind of jobs can only

30:21

be given by Allah subhana. That is a

30:23

gift that is a gift

30:25

that is a privilege and

30:28

even the community like can I tell you like TDS

30:30

I swear if they weren't who

30:33

they were if they weren't who they were like I

30:36

know that everyone else's

30:41

podcast is a good person. I

30:43

have that conviction in my heart.

30:46

I know they're good people. I wouldn't

30:48

even go as far as extraordinary people

30:50

SubhanAllah who are all on the same path which

30:53

is to drop coast Allah SubhanAllah and to be

30:55

in community in the right way in goodness and

30:58

so for us to all be together be chummy you

31:00

know like my favorite thing right when I go tours

31:03

right or like I get to be listeners why

31:05

do we we don't even we skip the salam to

31:08

girl as

31:12

if I've known them my

31:14

entire life. I remember I

31:17

met this one listener and

31:19

her sister and I like obviously like when

31:21

we went up to them we just started talking and like whatever someone

31:23

asked I was like oh how do you know that person I said

31:25

I don't know I just met her she goes what do you mean

31:27

you just met her the way you guys are

31:29

laughing and hugging and didn't miss I'm like I said

31:31

fam anybody this is the podcast is my friend and

31:33

I'm their friend. Call us delusional

31:35

call us delulah we don't care we

31:38

do not care you know we're

31:41

all friends and the

31:47

night that I made dua when I was

31:49

in Dubai when all of this started right I

31:52

asked Allah SubhanAllah to grab me

31:54

sisters yeah I asked Allah to grab me companions

31:56

10 years later

32:00

I am still meeting

32:02

sisters and

32:05

I'm still making companions. Allah SAW gave

32:07

me more than when I asked him.

32:10

I thought it would just be the couple of friends I made. Ten

32:13

years later, I have

32:15

sisters and companions all over the world.

32:17

It gives me chills, Kwaya Walaheh. Like

32:19

to start off with a single tour

32:21

of Allah, I just want friends, companions

32:24

that remind me of you, to, you

32:26

know, meeting them, then going through difficulty,

32:29

then creating a platform about sisterhood.

32:32

And then like it just all of

32:34

it is on theme. It's on theme.

32:37

And I don't know, I just I'm

32:39

so grateful for Allah SAW for giving me

32:41

friends. I don't know if that's so cordial. But

32:45

then my friends are so important though.

32:48

You know righteous friends are the most important,

32:50

especially in your I think in your religious

32:53

journey, spiritual journey. Having

32:55

good friends that remind you of Allah, that

32:57

bring you to the message. That's so

32:59

important. I think my biggest fear, if I'm

33:01

being honest, my biggest fear always was if

33:04

I pass away, who's going to come to my funeral? I

33:07

know it sounds so weird. Like I always, I

33:10

literally used to, I remember years

33:12

ago I used to cry about it. Okay. Cause I

33:14

felt like nobody knew me. I didn't know anybody. And

33:16

like, I just, I just remember

33:18

just feeling like if I died today, who would

33:21

show? Like who would say, who would even speak

33:23

on my behalf? Who would testify? Who would say

33:25

that like, you know, and it used to make

33:28

me so sad. Like I used to do that.

33:30

I know because now I'm sad. It

33:33

made me so scared. I was like so

33:36

scared. And I used to tell my mom at the time, I was like,

33:38

well, like, you know, I don't really have, you know,

33:40

good friends that if I thought today they would

33:42

make drive for me, we'd give to the home

33:44

I'd be have. Like, I'm just like, um, it's

33:46

like, I didn't live on this planet. You know

33:48

what? I didn't do anything. And that was like

33:50

my biggest fear. Y'all like that was like

33:53

the thing that shook me to my core. And

33:56

the very reason, like, I was like, yeah, I need to get close to Allah.

33:59

So I thought that because I'm. I'm gonna die bro. That's

34:01

the fact. Like that's gonna

34:03

happen and what have I to show

34:05

for it? And I really believe my

34:07

Rizq, the most valuable Rizq, is it

34:10

monetary man? Rizq is

34:12

the people that when

34:14

you pass, hold your

34:16

memory, make dua for you,

34:18

give sattak for you. Like literally when

34:20

they think of you, they like, you

34:22

know, they act, you know what I'm

34:24

saying? Because they remember who you were. I

34:27

was like, how do I be someone that

34:30

is worthy of that? Like how

34:32

do I be good? So that's where all of

34:34

this like wanting to serve comes from, right? It's

34:36

like, I want to be good. You

34:38

know, I want to be good. I don't care. You

34:41

know, like if I get zero, like if

34:43

I pass tomorrow and people

34:46

are like, yo, I remember her. She

34:48

was a good person. You know, she did this for me or she did that. Like

34:50

that would be everything to me. Even if

34:52

I just didn't have anything. Even if I die, you know,

34:55

like with nothing, I don't care.

34:57

Like if people have good thoughts of me,

34:59

that is the only legacy I care about.

35:01

That's the only one that matters to me.

35:03

Because that's the only one that matters. Yeah.

35:06

It's only sattak that continues, you know? So

35:09

that's where it really comes

35:12

from. It's a fear of being forgotten and

35:14

a fear of not being good,

35:17

you know, and using my life,

35:19

the one life that I have wisely. Yeah.

35:24

So it's crazy. Okay guys, Hoya here.

35:26

I'm going to click right because me

35:28

and Ada literally go from crying to

35:30

laughing in 0.2 seconds.

35:33

And that is honestly just how it

35:35

is. So I let

35:37

you guys go back to this episode

35:39

where we went from Ada crying to

35:42

us laughing, talking about her episode

35:44

once again. Oh my God. So

35:47

I was going to end

35:49

this without mentioning the fact that Ada

35:52

made this whole episode. She told this

35:54

whole story, you guys. Oh

35:57

God. With no scripts. thing

36:00

that you heard was because

36:02

okay so obviously when the episode is an

36:04

interview there there isn't a script it's questions

36:07

if anything but no script everything is like

36:09

the way it is but for

36:11

a story like this with so much

36:13

detail so much

36:15

description I love did this

36:17

off the back I was there it was just you

36:19

and me she would press

36:22

record and she'd start and that's

36:24

how I did it a little about it I don't

36:26

want to you know yeah it was crazy it was

36:28

nice a lot of vodka luck but you know it

36:30

came to because you forced me you said other I

36:32

don't even give it because I because this issue was

36:34

I couldn't write my story I was having a hard

36:36

time for weeks I just couldn't do it I couldn't

36:38

do it I couldn't do it I couldn't do it

36:40

and then the way was like listen how about we

36:42

forget the script you tell me your story just

36:45

tell me I'm gonna interview you just tell

36:47

me that's why I just sat there and that's why

36:49

it was really hard because I kept imagining when I

36:51

was describing right I'm

36:54

imagining like the

36:56

moment the professor told me to get out of

36:58

the classroom I'm imagining like I imagine everything and

37:00

so it was so weird it

37:02

was like I was just went back there yeah I think I'm

37:05

back there it was just yeah it was it

37:08

was it's the most genuine way mm-hmm

37:10

that I told the story obviously cuz

37:12

I'm telling you my story it shouldn't be too

37:14

hard to be honest but I I felt like

37:16

you made it a very comfortable space and

37:19

I kept playing with them oh if it doesn't work then

37:21

we'll try another way but it turned

37:23

out like I'm didn't know it worked out

37:25

you know it worked out it worked out

37:27

if you don't feel crazy I laughed because

37:29

in in my episode had I known that

37:32

was the same problem I had remember I was like

37:34

I don't know and you know what the fun

37:37

fact is that each time we'd get on

37:39

a call before we record before we decide

37:41

what we're doing we'd get on a

37:43

call and you'll tell me the whole story and

37:45

I get the episode live does that make sense

37:47

like it's just me listening to Allah Allah tells

37:49

me what she wants to tell that's what happened

37:51

we've had I known and that's what happened to

37:53

this one as well and for both episodes I

37:55

remember each call she'd tell the whole story she's

37:58

like I don't think that's good enough And

38:00

I was like, what do you mean? I was

38:02

so invested this whole time. We've been on the

38:04

phone for an hour and a half. Are you

38:06

crazy? Just tell this story. Oh

38:08

my goodness. I just, I just, and this

38:10

is, it's crazy. I don't believe in imposter's

38:12

room anymore. I was listening

38:14

to a video

38:17

that Nafisa from

38:19

Amalia did about imposter's room, which basically

38:21

said, is it imposter's room or is

38:23

it the environment that's making you feel

38:26

like you don't belong there? She's

38:29

like imposter's room is like gaslighting herself. Saying,

38:31

it's me. It's me that feels away. But

38:33

in reality, has anybody made you feel comfortable

38:35

or safe? And it's interesting because it's like,

38:38

you're right. Like we're in an industry where

38:40

it's predominantly like Caucasian white men that do

38:42

podcasting. And they

38:45

definitely don't really tap into the things that we're

38:47

tapping into. And yeah,

38:49

and I just feel sometimes very, very uncomfortable

38:51

and very, and I feel very inadequate in

38:54

it. And it's just,

38:56

but it's like, you know what dispels all of

38:58

that when I remember that I'm only doing

39:01

this. I know it sounds so crazy to say it 10 many

39:03

times, but I'm only doing this for the last week. And when

39:05

I tap into that, I don't care. Because

39:08

if I'm pleasing you, I don't care. Like

39:10

if you like you, you like if you don't, you know. But if

39:12

Allah, if I do this for Allah, then

39:14

all that he cares for me is my sincerity

39:17

and the act in itself, like doing the best

39:19

that I can. And to

39:21

me, that's the markers I can reach. You

39:23

know, and the other things that I keep stressing

39:26

myself out are just are impossible. Like

39:28

I'm not perfect. It's impossible. I think

39:30

that's what this season is about as

39:32

well, because we have a few episodes

39:34

that we feel like people might

39:37

talk about. And we don't know if

39:39

everyone is going to like it. And it's a very

39:41

different season from what we've done before. But

39:43

at the same time, as you said, we do this for the sake

39:45

of Allah's power. And also we do

39:48

it for the truth. Yeah, absolutely. We're just here

39:50

to do that. And yeah, it is what it

39:52

is. And people take it the way

39:54

they want to take it. But we're trying

39:56

to do the right thing. Yeah, I

39:59

was going to ask you the question. What was it like? What's

40:01

the pressure like for you though to cut

40:03

these episodes? It always seemed

40:05

to cutting the opener So

40:08

like what's the pressure like for you as a producer?

40:10

First of all, it was never a

40:12

thing of like we sit down and you decide

40:15

this time you're doing the opener this time She's

40:17

doing the opener. It always just ends

40:20

up being a last-minute decision like okay, wait here

40:22

I'm doing this so you can just do the

40:24

opener does that make sense? So it was never

40:26

something where I was like prepared to mentally I

40:29

think my biggest the thing that

40:31

I struggle with the most It's probably

40:33

the fact that I didn't go to school to learn

40:36

how to be a producer. Does that make sense? It

40:38

was the first time thing kind of that I learned off

40:41

the bat. Sometimes I'm uh, I

40:43

feel like people that Learn

40:47

this job do a better job

40:49

at this than me And so i'm

40:51

very hard on myself when i'm cutting because I feel

40:53

like I wasn't supposed to be

40:55

here in the first place. What am I doing here? And

40:57

so therefore because i'm here and Because

41:00

I got to this point. I just

41:02

have to do it as good as I possibly

41:04

can And so it's always a lot

41:06

of pressure. I mean more of that more of that if

41:08

I can if I can give you some affirmations on the

41:10

way the way that you're able to look at a story

41:12

and cut it and Look

41:14

at every little every little thing and be like,

41:17

okay This is really important or this

41:19

narrative is really important and the thing is a lot

41:21

like you're you're a very unique producer

41:23

because you've written both you've written before you've cut

41:25

before and then you also produce an episode so

41:27

you are like a Triple threat,

41:30

you know, so you kind of understand all factors

41:32

of the story and then this season You're

41:36

gonna do a little cameo a little audio

41:38

cameo I

41:40

won't reveal where you're gonna do audio You're

41:43

gonna be you're gonna be on the mic,

41:45

uh sometimes the season, uh, so everybody

41:47

look out for that Um, but like

41:49

you are so multi-talented Talented I just how

41:52

to let some people have to learn some

41:54

people are gifted with it Everyone

41:56

deserves their flowers, you know, and I

41:58

I feel like sometimes and

42:00

writers don't always get their their moments and I think

42:02

it's really important for me right now to give you

42:05

that. I want everybody to know how extraordinary

42:07

you guys are. Like you guys are, you and

42:09

all the producers, all the

42:11

writers are like, my goodness, Pa'Allah. The way

42:13

they can cast a story, the way they

42:15

can, you know, like it's the reason why

42:17

everybody loves it so much is because of

42:20

all of your efforts and contributions and your,

42:22

I don't know how to describe it, like

42:24

your vision for a project. I

42:26

just want to take away JazakAllah Khaid for

42:29

everything. Honestly, for all the listeners that listen

42:31

to my episode, I hope you guys liked

42:33

it. If you didn't, I'm sorry. If

42:35

you didn't, don't say it, okay? Just give it

42:37

to yourself. If you can't

42:39

be boring, my apologies. Even

42:43

though I spoke from my heart, no big, I spoke from my heart,

42:45

but that's fine, you know? Um, if

42:47

you found it relatable, I am going to, if

42:49

not, I hope that all the other stories that

42:51

come out this season, uh, Reza with you, please

42:53

keep with your du'as. They mean so much to

42:55

us. If you can't give nothing to us but

42:57

du'as, that's all we need, bro. Please

43:00

keep with your du'as Ramadan, me,

43:02

Hoya, the team, everyone. If

43:04

you can know us by name, that'd be great

43:06

too. Yeah, that'd be great. That would be great.

43:11

Yeah, Hoya Bizayid, habir, habir, no,

43:13

I'm kidding. Um, any,

43:16

any prayers would be, honestly, uh, it'd

43:18

be a gift. So thank you guys so

43:21

much, and yeah, I can't wait to spend

43:23

them all with them! I can't wait to,

43:25

uh... And if you've enjoyed this episode of

43:27

the After Show, please do subscribe to Apple

43:30

and Patreon, where there is more to come,

43:32

more discussions from the team, as well as

43:35

parts of stories that you've listened to that we

43:37

had to cut. Oh, yes!

43:40

Yeah? Um, really cool

43:42

ones as well, and, uh, and

43:45

yeah, I hope you enjoyed this, I hope

43:47

it wasn't boring, I hope you liked it. Yes,

43:49

I enjoyed it. I mean, it's

43:52

a very soft conversation, like you would

43:54

have at brunch, sometimes

43:56

we'd steal a little tea, sometimes we'd steal

43:58

a little tea, we're like, You know, and

44:00

other times it's just like us kind of getting

44:03

to share like our favorite parts about things But

44:06

I honestly it's it's

44:08

literally like I love the actual because we

44:10

get to be our like just yeah loose about

44:12

it We don't have to think too much about what we

44:14

say and just can just be ourselves So it's really a

44:16

great outlet for us to kind of deep

44:18

dive do deep dive deep dive and share

44:21

more sha Allah But

44:23

if you're into podcasting you're into storytelling you're into

44:25

community into the sisterhood The after shows for you

44:27

will lie and I and I hope to do

44:29

more like there's gonna be more episodes that come

44:32

out During an offseason by the way People

44:35

for people who don't know we're gonna be coming

44:37

out with Episodes in the after show even during

44:39

seasons when we're off working on the

44:41

following season So definitely if you want to hear

44:43

us on a regular basis Yeah,

44:46

I see the after show. All right, but

44:49

I'm gonna say one more thing before we sign off

44:52

who noticed Watson Shire

44:56

In the closing Dua

44:59

I want to know did anybody notice

45:01

that that was wasn't the Watson Shire

45:03

the iconic poet I wish you know

45:06

what my episode we should put the

45:08

screenshot of the group chat conversation when

45:10

you announce My god

45:12

hundred percent before the carousel crazy. Yes. Are you

45:14

crazy? I cannot believe what's a shot even though

45:16

what I cannot believe was a shot was just

45:19

just she just graced us with her voice. I Was

45:22

shook it I'm just I was just so honored. Thank

45:24

you. What's the difference? Thank

45:27

you for sending us that audio of you It

45:31

was amazing and it just it

45:33

was nice to have a little touch of

45:35

your magic so just a colac aid of

45:37

your goodness Hey I'm

45:44

not gonna put my fingers down now. Yeah,

45:46

you're out because I'm doing too much And

45:50

I thought we'll be back this

45:52

Friday we are here in your ear

45:55

in your speakers telling

45:57

you agreed a

46:00

bomb story. A

46:02

bomb story. Period. I

46:04

love it. Now

46:07

I'm fine girl. I'm gonna stop this right now. Anyways

46:10

guys, see you guys Friday. Love you guys so

46:12

much. So, Ali-koo. I

46:15

love to give a big big big shout

46:17

out to our production team for this episode.

46:19

I want to give a shout out to

46:21

our associate producer, Hway Bizaid, Ali's producer, Hannah

46:23

Avin, our production manager, always,

46:25

Meheen Khan, Bashir. Also, I give a

46:27

shout out to our marketing and design

46:29

team for everything. Wasimas Lara,

46:32

Sosan Abdallahi, Khadija Musse, and

46:34

Marius Sean. You guys did

46:37

amazing. Phenomenal. Thank you for

46:39

this episode.