0:00

As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi

0:03

wa barakatuh. It is your lover

0:06

girl, Aadar, and you're listening to the

0:09

Digital Sisterhood Podcast.

0:11

It's making me a little teary-eyed to say

0:14

this, but we've officially reached

0:16

the final episode of

0:18

Love Timbre. I know, I know,

0:20

sorrows, sorrows, prayers, sorrows,

0:23

I know. It's devastating. I'm devastated

0:25

too. But I want

0:27

to say that today's guest is not

0:29

mine.

0:30

Today's story was brought to us when

0:32

a girl one night made a sincere

0:34

and heartfelt dua to Allah.

0:37

Her dua was to be interviewed by me

0:39

on this podcast. And of course,

0:42

and of course, guys, it came true. So

0:45

without further ado, I want

0:47

to introduce you to Halima, who is here with

0:49

me today, but is really

0:51

Allah's guest. Halima

0:54

is half Mexican indigenous and half

0:56

American, girl living in the States. Her

0:59

story, as many of ours, begins

1:01

with a question or a few questions like,

1:05

who am I? What do I believe in

1:07

and why am I here? My

1:12

birth name is Isabella. My

1:15

grandma had gifted me a name that aligned

1:19

with some other indigenous

1:22

gods. And when I had converted

1:25

to Islam,

1:28

I kind of let that go. It wasn't

1:30

something that I believed in and

1:32

I didn't want to

1:35

go into this, I guess, hypocrisy

1:37

in

1:38

a way. And I think I was

1:40

just like really trying to find

1:42

like something that

1:44

was quote unquote

1:47

right or acceptable. And I

1:49

had landed on the name Halima. And

1:52

I think that was really coming from a place of wanting

1:55

to not do something wrong.

1:58

And thinking that if I had an. Arab

2:00

name that meant

2:02

that I was doing something right. And

2:06

after I had changed it, I was like,

2:09

this just does not feel like

2:11

me. I feel like I'm kind of jumping

2:13

into this, I guess, culture

2:15

that's not even supposed

2:18

to be about Islam, you know?

2:20

And

2:23

I just felt very disconnected from myself

2:26

and was questioning, is

2:28

this how it's supposed to be for every

2:29

cover? Are we just supposed to completely

2:33

give up ourselves

2:36

in order to be seen

2:37

as quote unquote acceptable?

2:41

And so I had

2:43

told my dad I wanted to

2:46

be gifted a new name. And then

2:48

my family's a gift names after

2:51

you were born. And

2:54

it's basically based off like what that

2:56

family member elder thinks your essence

2:59

is and how it'll affect you later

3:01

in life, because names hold so much power.

3:04

And just like how in Islam,

3:06

like they say that you should be named something

3:08

positive, and something

3:11

that will give you like blessings and

3:13

stuff and not have

3:14

something that is negative.

3:16

And so my dad had

3:18

named me Osei,

3:20

and it means Jaguar. It's

3:23

derived from a note for

3:25

Jaguar. Yeah, a Jaguar.

3:28

And basically, they

3:31

would at least in our culture,

3:33

like,

3:33

Jaguars were one of the most symbolic

3:36

animal that you could think

3:38

of, they were something that

3:41

was said to be very

3:43

comfortable in this realm

3:45

and in other realms. And

3:48

they express that through being comfortable

3:50

on land and in water. And

3:54

I feel like that was very symbolic

3:56

for me, because growing up,

3:59

I had kind of done that

4:01

my whole life.

4:02

I was always

4:03

throwing myself in different worlds,

4:06

so to speak, and constantly

4:09

changing who I was.

4:10

And I was always comfortable with

4:13

it. Like once I had decided

4:15

I'm going to be this person, something

4:18

would switch in me and I would be that

4:20

person. And

4:21

I would go on and

4:24

just completely embody

4:26

it until I was like, okay,

4:28

this doesn't

4:29

serve me. I'm gonna go do something else.

4:32

And I had my very first

4:34

boyfriend in the eighth grade had

4:38

told me, and he was much older

4:40

than I was, but and he definitely

4:42

humbled me very quickly at an early

4:45

age, and he had told

4:48

me, he was like, you know what, if you reminded

4:50

me of any animal, it would be a

4:52

jaguar. And

4:54

I was like, that doesn't really

4:56

make any sense to me at the time.

4:59

But now that I look back

5:01

at it, since

5:02

he had hurt me so terribly, I kind

5:05

of used it as a fuel in my life

5:08

and kind of just went with, yeah, like if I

5:10

was an animal, I would

5:11

be a jaguar.

5:12

And looking back at it, I kind of

5:15

feel like it was crazy to see

5:18

how someone can see you

5:20

before you can see yourself, even

5:23

if it's apparent to the most cruel

5:26

person ever.

5:27

Because if you aren't like embodying

5:30

who you truly are, that

5:32

doesn't mean that other people can't see it before

5:34

you even see it. But that's basically

5:37

my name. Even in

5:39

Halima's dreams,

5:40

she was questioning the world around

5:42

her. Feeling as though she was

5:45

never given an answer to any of them.

5:47

Also meant she felt lost in what to do. Despite

5:51

feeling like this, she didn't let it stop

5:53

her from continuing to question

5:54

things. And her bravery plays

5:57

a crucial

5:57

role in her finding the

5:59

true answer. to it all.

6:02

From

6:02

a very young age I was questioning

6:04

God and everything around me.

6:08

So we grew up Catholic

6:10

and I was always

6:11

the kid that every Sunday school

6:13

teacher hated and I would always

6:15

be questioning like why

6:18

do we like

6:19

take our lessons from the Pope?

6:21

If God is God then

6:24

why is there a time before God? And

6:26

like you know why because you're really

6:28

giving Jaguar feistiness. You

6:31

were like I want to know right

6:33

now. I'm seeing the Jaguar personality.

6:36

Well I was honestly just very confused.

6:38

I'd be like how if God is God

6:40

then how is God a human or like all

6:43

of this stuff like I just

6:45

wanted to know and no one could answer it for

6:47

me and I was just like why is it so

6:49

hard to answer? We

6:51

would go to church basically every Sunday

6:53

and I just hated

6:56

it. I did not like it. Everyone

6:59

around me was so hypocritical

7:01

and this is like young me and

7:04

I would just be watching people and I'm like you

7:06

are just coming here just to say that

7:08

you came to church. Like you

7:10

are really like talking about God. No one around me

7:12

is really talking about God. It's just

7:15

oh we're just here because we have to be here

7:18

and if we're all questioning

7:20

God why are we really like trying to

7:22

figure out who

7:24

he is? Then I started

7:26

having nightmares

7:28

about going to church and I

7:32

knew I didn't like church but I didn't know

7:35

I didn't know my spirit did not like like

7:38

that. Wow. And I

7:41

had the same nightmare

7:43

every single week

7:44

from ages 8 to around like 11.

7:47

Every single week? Yes and

7:49

I would be waking up screaming

7:52

from them. I remember this stream

7:54

so vividly to this

7:57

day. It was honestly

7:59

very symbolic.

7:59

It wasn't anything like you would you

8:02

would hear it and be

8:02

like how is that scary? But it honestly

8:05

shook me to my core. So

8:07

basically I started at

8:10

the front door of my church

8:13

and I was already inside of the church and

8:16

something very massive

8:19

and bright and very overbearing

8:23

was floating in the middle of

8:25

the church and everything told me in my

8:27

body to get down on the ground

8:29

and crawl and As

8:31

I was crawling through the pews

8:34

there was like Nature

8:36

like there was grass coming up from the floor there

8:39

was like little creatures

8:41

like as in animals like

8:44

around me and they

8:46

were all telling me to be quiet and

8:49

to not make any noise or something

8:52

was going to happen and As

8:54

I looked around like the rest

8:56

of the church They were still like more

8:59

like nature like trying to come up from

9:01

the ground and like all this stuff and

9:04

I get to I think

9:06

the front of the pews and

9:08

I accidentally make a noise and

9:11

this bright light looks

9:14

over to me and starts illuminating

9:17

so much to the point that I feel like my body

9:19

is burning and

9:21

I'm like in so much pain

9:23

and all

9:24

this stuff and that I wake up screaming

9:27

How long

9:27

and when I look back at

9:29

it? I feel like it was kind of like

9:32

a way to tell me like what

9:34

I'm doing is not Serving

9:37

God it's serving something else that

9:40

will in the end be my

9:42

demise Wow at the

9:44

time I

9:45

did not know this obviously I Was

9:49

very young I

9:50

just didn't like the dream and Something

9:53

in me just told me like just don't go to church anymore

9:55

This isn't for you and so

9:57

I told my parents they were kind of annoying

10:00

obviously, but my parents are pretty like,

10:02

they're pretty chill. They're pretty like, you can do what you

10:04

want to do if you really feel that's what you need

10:07

to do. And so I would

10:09

stay home every Sunday after that. I

10:11

did not practice. It

10:13

was kind of like a downhill

10:15

spiral after that because I was kind of

10:18

jumping into this ocean of, okay,

10:20

what do I do now? I guess like end of middle

10:22

school or through high school, I didn't even

10:24

really

10:25

care about God anymore. I stopped trying

10:27

to find Him. No one around me was

10:29

trying

10:29

to find Him. Other things became more

10:31

important, like how much money we had

10:34

for the house became more important. My dad

10:36

going to work all the time became more important.

10:38

School became more important. How

10:41

others viewed me became more important.

10:44

So I kind of just let

10:46

it go, but I always had like

10:48

a sense of I don't know who God

10:51

is, so I don't know anything at all. So

10:54

I might as well just live ignorantly.

10:56

So I was kind of just making these

10:58

other things my God, so to speak.

11:01

I was living for other people.

11:03

As a child, I was

11:05

always questioning what love was. I didn't know what it

11:07

was. I was very isolated a

11:09

lot as a child. A lot of things had happened

11:11

to me as a child that made

11:14

me question it.

11:15

And my parents also didn't always

11:17

have the best relationship, so

11:20

my

11:20

house was very chaotic

11:22

at times. And I really just didn't

11:24

know when anything was. And

11:26

that kind of emulated in how

11:28

I viewed my friendships,

11:30

my relationships, myself.

11:33

I became very

11:35

into myself, I guess, so to speak.

11:38

And I would base, if

11:40

I had a good day or not, on how many people complimented

11:43

me or how many people looked at me.

11:46

All I cared about was how I looked outwardly.

11:49

And I think that came a lot from obviously

11:51

being a mixed child and trying to please

11:56

every side. And also growing

11:58

up, I was like quote-unquote,

12:01

oh you're so pretty, you're so pretty for

12:03

your age, look at your hair, look at your

12:06

skin, and blah blah blah. And

12:09

also not knowing what love is and

12:11

growing up as a woman and thinking that men

12:13

are the center of love, the center

12:15

of your being and

12:18

craving that attention. And if you

12:20

don't have that attention, you don't know

12:22

what love is. You don't know who you are.

12:24

And so I was doing that a lot and

12:27

I was equating that to love.

12:29

And it obviously did not serve me well. It

12:32

led me into a lot

12:34

of spaces that were dangerous for me, a lot

12:36

of spaces that did not care about

12:39

me, none of my friends cared about me.

12:42

I was kind of like just

12:43

recycling the same patterns over

12:45

and over again. And I went through

12:48

a lot of anxiety and depression, even

12:50

from a young child up until

12:53

maybe I was

12:55

I had been dating this

12:58

guy for a while and

13:00

he was very much older than me. I thought it was okay

13:03

because, you know, I thought that's what

13:05

you were supposed to do. I thought that

13:08

this would take me somewhere else because

13:10

he was older than me. He knew more

13:12

than me. I had gone through a point

13:15

of very bad anxiety and depression in high

13:17

school. I was doing

13:20

a lot of drugs. I

13:22

was doing a lot of partying.

13:25

And so I had overdosed

13:29

off of like pain medication, not

13:31

to the point where I could

13:34

have died,

13:34

but definitely to the point where

13:36

I knew that I was sick and that

13:38

I didn't want to do it

13:41

anymore. And after being in that

13:44

abusive relationship for a while, I was,

13:46

I stopped doing drugs. I

13:49

didn't even drink. I didn't do anything.

13:52

And I would just go to work, but I worked the night

13:54

shift at McDonald's

13:57

and I was constantly sleeping throughout the day.

14:00

up at night, I did not have a good,

14:02

like nothing in my life was stable. And

14:04

I was living with that

14:07

boyfriend at the time. And

14:10

he was pretty abusive. He was emotionally

14:13

abusive, physically abusive.

14:16

And I think my lowest point

14:18

was when I had gotten

14:21

very suicidal, we

14:23

would fight a lot. And I

14:26

told him, I really just want to kill myself

14:28

at this point. And he told me to do it.

14:31

And after

14:33

that, I just,

14:34

I couldn't do it anymore. And

14:37

that's where I was living. I had no choice

14:40

at the time. Or I felt

14:42

like I had no choice. My family was always open

14:44

to take me back. But I was so dead

14:47

set on getting out of the house that I

14:49

didn't even want to go back. And

14:51

then he ended up cheating on me with someone

14:53

that we worked with, because I got him a job at McDonald's

14:56

because I had worked there for a long time.

14:58

And

14:59

he ended up cheating on me with

15:02

a girl who was 15. And he was in the paper

15:05

for it because she had

15:09

charged him with sexual assault. Wow.

15:12

And wow, even he even had

15:15

the audacity like when it when it

15:17

came out in the paper and everyone was talking to either

15:19

like, Oh, isn't this your boyfriend? Is this your boyfriend?

15:22

He was like, you're not gonna stand by me.

15:24

No, not gonna stand by. Why

15:26

would you stand by him? Is he out

15:29

of his mind? I don't know. Han

15:32

Allah. But either way, that

15:34

was my last straw. I was like, I can't do

15:36

this. And even even

15:39

then I kind of just saw myself in

15:41

the place of that girl and like realizing

15:43

like how

15:45

messed up it was that a man

15:47

could like defile someone

15:50

so young. Yeah. And realizing

15:52

that that's what happened to me.

15:54

And so of course, my family came like,

15:57

let me come back with open arms.

15:59

They never really wanted me to leave in the first place,

16:02

but I was having like some

16:04

problems with my relationship with my mom.

16:06

And I was obviously

16:09

just all over the place.

16:11

And I wanted to grow up. That was like a big thing

16:14

for me growing up. I wanted to grow

16:15

up fast and just

16:18

leave. But I would say

16:20

that that was my lowest point. He also

16:22

influenced me to drop out of high

16:25

school. Wow. So I had dropped

16:27

out of high school at 17.

16:30

And then I got my GED after we

16:32

had broken up

16:34

and I started

16:36

taking classes.

16:39

And I

16:40

had met someone else and

16:42

I was in a relationship with them. And I

16:44

had already went into the relationship thinking

16:46

like, I'm going to be different. I'm

16:49

going to find

16:52

God like I had always wanted to do as

16:54

a child. And I just

16:57

wanted to change my entire being because

17:00

I did not feel like myself at

17:03

all. And so I got

17:05

into this relationship still kind

17:07

of doing the same thing that I'd always

17:09

done of trying to please people, even

17:11

if they didn't benefit me at all. Mm-hmm.

17:14

And I was finally in a relationship

17:17

where I wasn't being abused or manipulated

17:19

or whatever,

17:21

but it still wasn't like a

17:23

relationship that

17:25

would benefit me. Like he

17:28

was like this fraternity

17:30

boy. He would party all the time.

17:33

He sold drugs.

17:35

He wasn't a bad guy, but like

17:37

his lifestyle was just not what

17:40

I wanted. And ever since

17:42

I was young, like

17:44

if I liked you, I liked you. Like

17:46

we were going to get married. Like

17:48

that was it. Like I don't

17:50

want this boyfriend stuff. You're a lover girl. You're

17:53

a lover girl. You're like it's

17:55

marriage or nothing at all. Yeah.

17:58

But I was definitely. on that and he

18:00

was not so I was like okay

18:03

like I have no stability.

18:05

I feel like it was definitely

18:06

a test from God like are you gonna

18:08

do the same thing that you always do? Are you

18:10

still going to just give up yourself?

18:13

Are you gonna give up yourself for this idea

18:16

of oh like this man is gonna grant you paradise

18:18

basically?

18:19

You know the thing is for HanAllah as I'm hearing

18:22

you like I think so many women can relate to that

18:24

because you know sometimes we're told you know hold

18:26

on yeah but nobody ever teaches you how

18:28

to let go. When

18:29

I was finally out of that mindset I was

18:31

like wow I have everything like I have

18:34

everything on my fingertips. You

18:36

have to sacrifice something for

18:38

things that benefit you and I definitely

18:41

made that sacrifice and

18:43

I

18:43

was reaping the rewards and I

18:45

feel like love questioning love

18:47

and questioning God were two major

18:50

themes in my life and once

18:52

I had stopped giving my

18:54

love up for the wrong things then

18:57

love started pouring in

18:59

period.

19:03

After finally gaining control

19:06

over her choices and lifestyle, Halim was

19:08

feeling good. She felt proud of herself

19:10

for choosing better for her own well-being but

19:13

just around the corner Halim

19:16

had a new challenge she had to face. A

19:19

journey with her health that led her to

19:21

opening doors in a way that she had never

19:23

done before.

19:26

During my last relationship

19:29

I had gotten sick

19:31

and I had gotten an autoimmune

19:34

disease called Graves disease and

19:36

I had to get radiation

19:39

on my thyroid to kill it and a

19:41

lot of women do have it. They usually

19:43

have like problems with their thyroid so

19:45

I had to get radiation to kill it and

19:48

then they had put me on a medication

19:50

to give me

19:52

like the hormones that your thyroid

19:54

usually produces. Some women will

19:56

continue to lose it some will lose

19:59

it only for the beginning. And then once you

20:01

start like figuring out your dose

20:03

then your hair will be fine So

20:06

I started that medication right after

20:08

we had broken up My hair was

20:10

falling on chunks and my

20:12

hair is very important to me. I love

20:15

my hair my hair used to

20:17

be below my butt and

20:19

I used to just keep it long and

20:21

luscious and beautiful and

20:25

here's also very symbolic in indigenous cultures

20:27

and So

20:30

I felt very lost and

20:32

very sad and I started

20:34

wearing the hijab

20:36

because what I wanted to

20:38

take care of my hair and I

20:40

wanted to keep it covered and my

20:44

Very good friend in high

20:47

school who was Muslim. She saw me wearing

20:49

it and she's like, oh my gosh, she looks so

20:51

beautiful She was just

20:53

hyping me up and I felt like ten times better

20:56

about it

20:57

and I started

20:59

to get interested in the hijab because

21:02

once I had put it on I Knew

21:04

that that was a form of modesty and

21:07

I started wearing more modest clothes

21:10

because I didn't want to wear the hijab

21:11

and wear A crop top. Yeah, I wanted

21:13

to respect it It wasn't mine, but

21:16

I

21:16

wanted to use it for my hair. So we

21:18

we we so we were human So when you hear start

21:20

falling out, you're like, okay, I want to protect my hair, right?

21:23

Let me just wear the hijab Yeah, but you were a Muslim

21:25

at the time. No

21:27

At the time I knew what Islam was I

21:29

was very well versed in other

21:32

religions because I had tried researching

21:34

so many religions

21:36

to find out who God was throughout

21:38

my years and I never

21:40

like really stopped on Islam

21:43

But like I knew what it was So I

21:45

had looked up like how to take care of your hair when

21:47

it's going out and they said to cover it and I'm Like

21:49

I'm not gonna wear a hat like that would be dumb Yeah,

21:53

and so I

21:56

Was thinking I was like I'm gonna just wear a hijab I'm

21:58

gonna just do that And I was just

22:01

like, this might be beneficial

22:03

anyways, because I'm trying to change out my

22:05

whole demeanor, basically.

22:09

And I started dressing

22:11

more modestly, and I just

22:13

fell in love with it. I love this so much. Aw.

22:16

Aw. Aw. I love that. And

22:18

I think since

22:20

I had always craved attention,

22:23

the fact that no

22:24

one gave me attention after I put

22:26

on a job, I was like, yeah. This

22:30

is amazing. Yes. I went from

22:32

craving

22:33

attention and basing my

22:35

day, if it was good or not, on how many

22:37

people looked at me, how many people complimented

22:41

me, and growing up, thinking I had to

22:43

emulate a certain person in order to

22:45

be accepted to,

22:49

oh, no one's going to look at you now. No

22:52

one can judge you based off your appearance.

22:54

So I started looking into

22:57

hijab more, the meanings behind it.

23:00

I really resonated with it. And

23:02

then I started researching Islam

23:05

more. I was like, if this is cool, the

23:07

rest got to be cool too. How

23:09

long? Everything that I had researched

23:12

about Islam was

23:14

emulated in everything that I had gone through.

23:17

And

23:18

for my people and other

23:21

indigenous people, I'm sure, we

23:23

kind of go back to the teachings

23:26

of divine spiritual law.

23:28

If something is one way, then

23:31

that's because it has a deeper meaning. And

23:34

that's how I kind of view things for halal

23:37

or haram, and a lot

23:39

of it aligned with

23:40

spiritual law. I

23:42

was kind of hooked at that point. But

23:44

I wasn't ready to convert.

23:47

I was definitely just,

23:49

I don't know, this is not

23:51

what I'm used to. And coming

23:53

from a religious background as well, it's kind

23:55

of like you think all religions are bad.

24:00

who are quote unquote spiritual

24:02

can't

24:02

even utter the word God anymore

24:05

because they're so like

24:07

traumatized by

24:09

some religions and not even religions

24:11

but people trying to teach you

24:14

what God is.

24:15

Accepting a sound was a huge step to consider.

24:18

I mean, one Halim held back from

24:20

doing. As the memories of her past

24:22

experience with religion came to play. Halim

24:25

had reached the edge of her diving board

24:28

and knew she had to make the final jent.

24:32

During this period of uncertainty, a new

24:34

character appeared to Halim a story. Someone

24:37

who would change her perspective of what

24:39

a man could be.

24:41

I met my husband through school.

24:44

I was taking classes at

24:46

a community college. He was taking classes

24:49

at the university in my

24:52

town. They sometimes give

24:54

classes to those university

24:57

students through the community college if

24:59

they don't offer them. So he was

25:01

taking a math class there

25:03

in my class. He was

25:06

always very quiet, very

25:08

to himself, did not come to anyone,

25:10

got in, got out and left. We

25:13

love guys that mind their business. We really

25:15

do. Exactly. That

25:18

just don't care if one doesn't. It

25:20

just goes and does his thing. Yeah, he was very,

25:24

I barely even saw him look up from his desk.

25:27

So I knew who he was. I saw him a couple

25:29

of times. I liked him. I thought

25:31

he was cool. I was very

25:33

to myself as well. So

25:35

it was kind of cool to see someone else

25:38

just not care about anybody else because

25:40

I needed that. I was going my whole

25:42

life caring about everybody else. I

25:45

wanted people around me that were self-driven

25:47

and wanted to better themselves.

25:51

So I was interested right off the bat just

25:53

by looking at him. Okay, so describe what you look

25:55

like. You got to give us a piece. What exactly

25:57

were you looking at? a

26:00

tall athletic man.

26:03

He always had most

26:05

resting angry face in

26:07

the world. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Was he

26:09

a black man? Yes. Yeah,

26:12

he was. Oh

26:15

my god, athletic with an angry face. I was giving

26:18

black man. I was like, was he giving black man? Always

26:20

looked like he hated everyone around

26:22

him, but I like that. So...

26:28

I like that too. Nobody wants to be a friendly

26:30

man. No.

26:32

Nobody wants a friendly man. Nobody

26:34

wants a... There's a difference between a kind

26:37

man and a friendly man, Barakalafiq. And

26:40

I'm telling you right now, if

26:43

I ever had seen him talking and being

26:45

friendly with anyone else, my interest would have been

26:47

done.

26:48

It would have been out of there. Period.

26:51

And I was very surprised

26:54

as well because he's like

26:56

a conventionally attractive man. He's a

26:58

conventionally attractive man? Yeah. Like

27:01

we talk about this a lot

27:03

and he hates it so much. He

27:06

always says that ever since he grew

27:08

up, like everyone was always like talking

27:10

about him, commenting on him and he hated

27:12

it. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

27:14

no, no, no, no, Haleema, you hit the lottery ticket because

27:17

there was a thing that people always say, the

27:20

best men

27:21

are the men who aren't obviously given

27:23

friendly, but the ones that don't know they're handsome.

27:25

Right. Because when you mean a

27:27

handsome man that knows he's handsome and

27:29

is exercised that privilege, they're

27:31

the most shambolic.

27:34

But a guy that detests that he's handsome?

27:37

Where did you find him? The

27:39

thing is, it's crazy because

27:41

this man knows he's handsome.

27:44

Everyone's told him his whole life, but

27:46

he doesn't care. He doesn't care. He does not

27:48

care at all.

27:50

Out of curiosity though, why doesn't he

27:52

like it?

27:53

I think

27:54

all of our like themes in life,

27:56

me and my husband's kind of like mirror

27:58

each other.

27:59

Like for me, I was out there trying

28:02

to get attention. I was

28:04

trying to, you know, always

28:06

be the prettiest person in the room, always

28:09

be the coolest person in the room. And

28:12

he had that. He had it

28:14

his whole life. And he saw

28:17

just like I had seen that

28:19

people don't care about you

28:22

if you're not those things. And

28:24

people would assume things about him based

28:26

off how he looked, just the same way that I

28:28

was trying to get

28:30

people to assume things about me based

28:32

off how I looked.

28:34

So he kind of learned that lesson earlier

28:36

in life through different means than I had.

28:40

And I really respected it because

28:43

sometimes

28:44

a law will give you tests

28:46

in your life that don't always

28:48

seem like they're bad.

28:50

But there's still a test nonetheless, because

28:53

they're really like there

28:55

to see how your spirit will

28:58

go through with it.

28:59

Yeah. But can we

29:01

admit like, you know, in our like

29:03

Islamic traditions, right? Beauty

29:06

can also be a test. Yeah. Like

29:08

being given something can also be a test. Right. And

29:11

we know this because of Prophet Yusuf Alayhi Salaam.

29:13

Right. Prophet Yusuf

29:16

Alayhi Salaam was the most handsome man

29:18

in the entire planet. Right.

29:21

And where did that take him? A really

29:24

difficult path. Right. And

29:26

so, yeah, like I don't I don't know if people really

29:28

people beauty can also be a massive

29:31

test. Any pretty boys out there?

29:34

Fear Allah.

29:35

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But

29:40

anyways, okay, so then so

29:42

you meet this guy. He's nice.

29:44

He's cool. You like how did you

29:47

guys snowball? Like how did I'm

29:49

sure maybe he was looking at you to the side of the aisle. What is the girl

29:51

trying to talk to me for? Or like, didn't you have

29:53

that kind of like, I'm not trying to make no friends. Like

29:55

how did you guys develop a friendship first?

29:58

So I know who he was. I

30:00

recognized

30:01

him and one day in the library he had

30:03

come in and we had like

30:07

these really big tables at the library

30:10

that we have on campus. Like they

30:12

could fit maybe like 10 people and

30:15

he sat down on one end of the table

30:17

and I was on the other end and I was like oh

30:19

that's that's that kid from my math

30:21

class and so

30:23

I kind of like pieced together and I finally

30:25

figured out like who he was because I

30:27

had not seen him on campus

30:30

besides that one math class so

30:32

like okay he probably goes here and he just

30:34

takes that class there.

30:36

He was working on the homework that we had

30:39

and I you know moseyed on over

30:41

and I was like hey like you're from my

30:43

math class can you help me with this because

30:46

I had no idea

30:46

what we were doing because I'm

30:49

horrible at math

30:51

and he helped me and

30:54

we were getting to know each other

30:56

like pleasantries and all that

30:58

and after that we

31:00

kind of just started studying

31:03

at the library

31:03

every other day together and

31:06

it was kind of just like a I don't

31:09

know it was very like genuine

31:11

experience I never had the man

31:13

like just be my friend I guess

31:16

or try and be my friend it was always like they

31:18

kind of had ulterior motives and

31:20

I don't know it was very it was definitely

31:22

a breath of fresh air and

31:25

we like ended up finding out that

31:27

we liked each other and all this for

31:30

after a while okay

31:31

okay wait wait we're

31:33

not gonna rush over that yeah we're gonna you're

31:35

gonna tell me how the

31:37

heck you thought he liked you

31:39

you liked him and how you guys admitted it so

31:42

please watch cuz I'm living by courtesy to hear

31:44

ya so you're gonna have to you're gonna have

31:46

to explain to me how that happened

31:48

I think it happened very gradually

31:50

I kind of had the little crush on

31:53

him a little bit but I didn't really

31:55

like him he

31:55

liked me a lot more than

31:58

I liked him

31:59

I was still on my like, I just

32:02

got out of a breakup, like

32:04

I'm trying to do me. But

32:07

the way that he was,

32:09

was so interesting to me.

32:11

I wanted to study this man. I was so

32:14

confused by the fact that like,

32:16

he looked the way he looked, but

32:18

he did not talk to nobody.

32:21

That was always so interesting to me because

32:24

I know so many pretty people who

32:26

throw away their lives for the fact that they're

32:28

pretty. I wanted to

32:30

like keep him safe from everything

32:33

that men were or

32:36

everything that people would see him as.

32:39

So I kind of like took it upon myself to just

32:41

be there for him.

32:43

Cause he would just be so pure

32:45

to the point that I would just be like, are we

32:47

living in the same world? Like how are you the way

32:49

that you are?

32:51

And when we look back at it, he says that he

32:53

liked

32:53

me a lot from the beginning. He

32:56

says the day that we met, he was

32:58

like, I'm going to marry this woman. I

33:00

don't really believe that. Okay,

33:04

no, he was actually amazing.

33:07

You were kind of like holding your cards

33:08

closer to your chest. Yeah. And I

33:11

also didn't really like him. Like

33:12

I thought he was cute, but I was like, I

33:14

don't know. Like I'm used to like bad

33:17

boys, I guess. And like, I'm

33:19

not used to this. And it kind

33:22

of seemed like awkward for me. Cause like

33:24

when you get used to chaos, like

33:27

silence and stillness is not

33:29

appealing to you. I was just so used

33:32

to like someone hurting me or

33:34

using me and blah, blah, blah, to

33:36

the point where I'm like, is this even like for

33:39

me? Would I even thrive in this

33:41

environment if this is all I've known? So

33:43

what can we do that night? So what happened? Where

33:45

were you?

33:46

So like give me, if you could describe

33:48

that in your most rom-com description.

33:50

We were in his dorm room.

33:53

The dorms are very small, but he

33:55

had his own room. And

33:57

it basically all that can fit in there is

33:59

the bed. in a desk. And

34:02

so he was sitting in his bed,

34:04

I was sitting in the chair in

34:06

the desk,

34:06

and we were watching a movie.

34:08

I thought it was just like we're just gonna watch a

34:10

movie, go study,

34:11

go eat, do what we usually do, leave.

34:14

And we always had a lot in common.

34:17

So, you know, the vibes were

34:19

there. But I didn't really know

34:21

that this man liked me,

34:22

like not to say anything

34:25

about my husband, but he doesn't really have Riz like

34:27

that. Like he's not like out here like,

34:30

good man don't okay. Like he was

34:33

out here like being pure man

34:35

don't. He wasn't

34:42

like out here like telling me I

34:44

was pretty or beautiful or whatever.

34:46

Like it was

34:46

strictly like,

34:48

I thought we were just you know, being friends,

34:50

being study buddies, whatever. And he

34:52

was also very respectful did not

34:55

ever cross the line. Nothing.

34:57

And so we're watching the movie. He was

34:59

like, this is gonna sound crazy. But he was

35:01

like, I love you. And

35:03

I was like, what? What

35:05

do you wait out of the blue

35:08

like that? Yeah. And I

35:10

kind of tried to pretend that I didn't hear

35:13

it. And I was like, what? And

35:16

then I was like, don't do it again. No, you don't.

35:18

Let's go. And so we studied.

35:25

And then I left and I texted him and

35:27

I was like, what did you mean by that? You

35:30

love me as a friend. You love spending time

35:32

with me. Like what is going on? And

35:34

he was like, No, I love you. Like

35:36

I love you. Unbelievable. I

35:39

was like, we're not even

35:42

we're not even a thing. We're not even

35:44

dating. After

35:46

that, I was

35:47

like, okay, but I kind

35:49

of love him too.

35:50

You know, like, I

35:52

do love him. Like I've always had

35:54

this sense of wanting to protect him. I've

35:56

always had this sense of being drawn

35:59

to him, even though.

35:59

though I didn't think that I liked him. Because

36:03

after the first time we had

36:05

met at the library, I was like, I'm never going

36:07

to see this man again.

36:08

It's OK if we don't. I was very

36:10

used to, I don't know, I think I was

36:12

very used to not thinking good

36:14

things were going to happen. I don't think

36:17

I could be with anyone else, honestly. That

36:19

leads me to one day,

36:21

we were walking after studying, we

36:27

were walking to Domino's to get

36:30

a pizza. As we were going

36:32

through this, I was also going through my

36:34

research in Islam. It felt

36:36

like everything was piecing together. I was

36:38

finding out what I wanted. After

36:41

I had sacrificed

36:42

my old life, I finally

36:44

had someone who was genuine

36:46

about me, which

36:47

I had never had in my life. And I was

36:49

finding Islam and loving it.

36:52

I was definitely

36:54

on the edge of the diving board, staring down

36:56

into

36:57

the deep water, not

36:59

knowing if I wanted to do it or not. I

37:01

just had this moment

37:03

while we were walking. And I was like,

37:06

yeah,

37:07

I'm Muslim.

37:09

And he just looked at me, he was like,

37:11

are you? He never said

37:13

that before. And

37:16

I was like, yeah, I think I

37:18

am. I know that I am. And

37:21

I love him, but he's just like, OK. And

37:24

I just kept going with his day. And

37:27

then we got the pizza, and we ate it. And

37:30

that was just the day. It wasn't anything

37:33

crazy.

37:34

And he was always that kind of person that would

37:36

be like, you can do whatever you want. I

37:39

don't really care. As long as you are being

37:41

true to yourself, that's all that really matters. So

37:45

after that, in my head,

37:47

I was like, that was my shahada.

37:50

But I did want to take another one. I

37:52

wanted to take a proper one. And

37:55

I did wait a while to do that because

37:58

we were

37:59

also

37:59

talking to each other and I was

38:02

like I feel like I can't go into this in

38:04

a haram like

38:07

I was like kind of dropping hints like here and there

38:09

like oh I don't think I could marry someone who

38:11

was a Muslim and I definitely think it was

38:13

like a test to like my

38:15

faith

38:16

it was definitely a test to see if I was gonna keep

38:19

doing the same things that I've always

38:21

done and putting people

38:24

in the place of God basically

38:27

when I had gone to the point where I had

38:29

met my husband I feel

38:31

like everything that I had gone through

38:34

was emulating in that moment

38:36

reaching up to my Shahada

38:38

and it was like God was

38:40

saying like you can have this man

38:42

but are you gonna have him in the

38:44

way that benefits me

38:47

are you gonna have him in a way that

38:49

benefits

38:49

the both of you are you

38:52

gonna have me at the forefront

38:54

of your marriage or are you going to

38:56

start it in a way that you've always

38:59

done where you

39:02

use your love for someone

39:05

as a means of living instead

39:08

of your love for me

39:10

after months of waiting and hoping

39:13

and praying that they could have a future together

39:15

haleem knew it was best for the pair

39:18

to part ways she knew the reasons

39:20

Allah would bring people into her life to teach

39:22

her lessons to test her to

39:24

test if she can let the cycles that previously

39:26

overcame her life continue to wreak

39:28

havoc on it this time

39:31

she wasn't going to let that happen so

39:33

with tears in her eyes and facing

39:35

her heart she let the

39:37

love of her life go now

39:39

I want you all to remember that these

39:43

really will never leave anything for

39:45

the sake of Allah subhana wa ta'ala except

39:48

that you will replace it with something better

39:50

for you and

39:52

Allah always keeps his

39:55

promise

39:56

I was definitely heartbroken he was

39:59

the first that had ever

40:01

been genuine about me, had ever

40:03

been respectful towards me, had ever

40:06

taken my

40:09

spirit into consideration. He

40:11

never like made me feel like I

40:14

was just this body

40:16

basically, or just the face.

40:19

And he never even like would compliment

40:22

me. He would compliment who I

40:24

was. And he would

40:26

always say things like, wow, you're

40:28

kind of like a role model to me. I want

40:30

to be like you, which is crazy. So

40:32

it was like, I kind of want to be like you.

40:35

But

40:36

six months later, he told

40:38

me that he was

40:41

converting and okay, wait, wait, wait, wait,

40:43

wait, wait, we'll pull the pause.

40:45

So with his text kind of like out of

40:47

the blue. Yeah, he had texted me

40:50

up. And we were pretty good

40:52

at being in touch with each other. But

40:55

I think our conversations definitely

40:57

started to die down. And I have

40:59

asked him before like what was going through his

41:01

head during that whole period. And he

41:03

had said that he was basically just

41:05

researching Islam and doing the most they could

41:08

in order to figure out if this was

41:10

for him or not.

41:11

And I really appreciate that he

41:14

didn't just jump right into it after I told

41:16

him that we couldn't be

41:18

together. But he definitely

41:21

took his time and I'm glad.

41:23

And it meant even more to me.

41:26

And so he texted

41:28

me up and he says, Hey, I just want

41:30

to let you know, I'm going to do

41:32

this. And I'm going to do this for me.

41:35

And I'm going to do this for a lot. I'm going to do

41:38

this for us. And so he told

41:41

me that he was going to

41:43

convert and I kind of

41:45

just left it at that I kind of just wasn't

41:48

really sure like how to feel about it because I

41:50

also didn't really know how to go about

41:53

it

41:53

perfectly through the sense of Islam

41:56

because I didn't have a Wali I didn't have

41:58

any of those things.

41:59

So I had told

42:02

him

42:04

like if he's serious he needs to contact

42:06

our mosque and let them know like

42:09

he wants to like you know go through

42:11

with this marriage and then find me a Wali.

42:14

And

42:16

so he did that and then I wasn't

42:19

a lawyer right away that he had

42:21

done that and he had come

42:24

up to my house and

42:26

asked my parents for

42:29

my hand basically. Wait, wait,

42:31

did you know he was coming that day? He said he

42:33

was coming over and I assumed that

42:36

that was why and I was very nervous and

42:38

very scared

42:41

and I left the house because

42:44

I did not want to be in the house. I went

42:46

outside to the backyards because

42:48

I did not want to be anywhere

42:50

near what was going

42:52

on. Oh no, you're like too nervous.

42:55

Yeah, you know you sound like a regular

42:57

blushing suit to be. It's

42:59

like anybody talk to anybody dad is like I

43:02

don't want to be. I don't

43:03

and also just because my parents knew

43:05

I converted to before this.

43:07

They're very welcoming. They're very you know

43:10

still do what you want to do. That's okay and

43:12

I was very scared for him to do this but I

43:15

think my parents have gone to a point

43:17

where like oh she's done so many crazy

43:19

things. This is just

43:20

another one. So

43:22

they were like yeah go ahead you know. He

43:26

asked for my hand and everything.

43:29

After the fact my mom had come

43:31

to me, my dad of course not. He

43:33

just you know he left it as it

43:35

was

43:35

but my mom had come

43:37

to me and she was like I've

43:40

seen how happy you have been

43:42

since meeting him because I had

43:44

told him about him before and

43:49

she was like I think this is

43:51

the most respectful person

43:54

that you have ever brought into this house.

43:56

Friends including. She was like if that's

43:58

what you want to do.

43:59

then go ahead and do it because it seems

44:02

like it's something good for you.

44:05

And so we had gotten

44:08

married February 28th

44:11

and it was very

44:13

small. I did not invite anyone

44:18

to the wedding or to the nikah. And

44:20

I think

44:21

the, my Wali was

44:23

there. He was a new mom there. And

44:26

his wife came with

44:28

her daughters and that was everyone

44:31

who was there. We were there during Magrav

44:34

for

44:34

the prayer and my

44:36

Wali had asked all the men who

44:38

were there like, oh, do you want to stay for a wedding?

44:40

And so they were there.

44:42

The almah sha Allah,

44:44

the kak greta came. Yeah. The Muslims were

44:46

invited. And

44:47

so it was very short, very small, but it was very

44:49

impactful. And

44:54

I was very happy. I didn't even have my parents

44:56

there because his parents

44:59

were in Germany and I felt like it wouldn't be

45:01

fair. And I just

45:03

wanted it to be us. I really wanted

45:06

the days just be about us.

45:08

So

45:09

we did our vows

45:12

in my backyard

45:14

with just the both of us. Because I

45:16

didn't want anyone else to hear them. I wanted

45:18

it to just be like words

45:20

that we were able to say

45:23

to each other in like our

45:25

own space. And I

45:27

could not get through my vows

45:30

for the life of me. And

45:34

I want you to imagine that when you read

45:36

them because it

45:38

was just so hard.

45:39

And I

45:41

felt like everything that I had ever

45:43

prayed for was just

45:46

coming to me. And

45:49

it was just a really great moment. What

45:51

did it feel like to have the first halal hug?

45:54

It was great. Halal embrace. It was great.

45:56

I was like, wow, okay,

45:58

this feels right. It feels better.

46:01

Congratulations, Ma'bruk! Ma'bruk!

46:04

Ma'bruk! Thank you. May Allah subhana

46:06

ta'ala bless your union.

46:07

Make it feel wahayr. May

46:09

Allah continue to allow you guys to be the coolness of each

46:11

other's eyes. May Allah subhana ta'ala

46:14

make it a means for you both to enter

46:16

the highest level of Jannah.

46:18

What would you say was like

46:21

the most beautiful moment that you remember during

46:24

that time?

46:25

When we got to pray together, that was

46:27

the first time we had started praying together ever.

46:30

And it was definitely something to get used

46:32

to. We would

46:35

laugh a lot and we would have to

46:37

like separate sometimes because it would just be

46:39

too much. But

46:43

whenever we did get it right,

46:46

it was very like, it

46:48

just felt like so beautiful to like

46:50

have

46:51

that to do with someone. He was

46:53

always there to remind me like,

46:56

bro. What

46:58

do you all put in this podcast? Everyone be

47:01

crying. It's okay to cry, Halima.

47:03

Listen. Listen. Listen,

47:05

it's not every day you have to be a jaguar, okay? It's

47:08

okay. It's okay to shed a tear

47:10

because I'm about to shed a tear myself.

47:13

So he was always

47:15

there to remind

47:18

me like,

47:19

you know, Allah is there for you. He loves

47:21

you. Like

47:22

he has blessed you with

47:25

so much. It's okay

47:27

to rely

47:27

on that and not just

47:30

rely on yourself.

47:32

Yeah.

47:33

So, you

47:35

know, I just kept doing that and it really

47:37

paid off. And

47:40

I really think that Allah has blessed

47:43

me with a partner who

47:45

was always there to remind me

47:47

of that.

47:48

Girl, I'm sorry. I'm just like

47:53

so beautiful to have Allah Allah.

47:56

He has definitely blessed

47:57

me with a partner who.

47:59

is a constant reminder to rely

48:02

on him and

48:05

to

48:06

believe in yourself, believe in

48:08

the creation that Allah has made.

48:10

And we are

48:13

a part of that.

48:14

And

48:16

I was just so disconnected from

48:18

everything for so long. And

48:21

it's just

48:22

like to this day, I still

48:25

am in awe by the fact that I

48:27

am blessed with such a union

48:29

because the way that

48:32

like marriage works today sometimes

48:34

is,

48:35

you know, like they say that once we get

48:37

married, half of our Dean is completed.

48:40

But I think a lot of people think that that

48:42

just happens right when you get married

48:44

or right when you say like I do

48:46

and everything. But it's a constant

48:49

like give and take and it's something

48:51

that you have to find through the other

48:53

person and,

48:55

you know, like tune to

48:59

like how you live your life through Allah.

49:01

It's not like you just say I do and then half

49:04

of your Dean is completed. It's

49:07

a test, it's a job,

49:09

it's, you know, like finding

49:12

yourself through another person, mirroring

49:14

each other, growing, fixing

49:17

what you have done

49:19

in the past.

49:21

Once you finally let all

49:23

of that go

49:24

and find your relationship

49:27

through Allah, then that's when it's

49:29

completed.

49:30

When you amplify each other's love

49:32

for Allah, it's

49:34

not just right off the bat.

49:37

But he would show me time and time

49:39

again that he was someone to be trusted.

49:42

And there

49:42

were a lot of times where I was kind of just making

49:44

stuff up in my head and thinking like, oh,

49:47

like he's probably out here doing this, he's probably out here doing

49:49

that. He says that he likes me,

49:51

but how would I know?

49:53

And he would always,

49:55

you know, prove the point that he

49:57

wasn't doing stuff like that and that

49:59

he was serious. and that he

50:01

was a genuine person. And I

50:04

think like in marriage, we

50:07

have this, I guess, fantasy,

50:10

like mindset about it that it's just gonna

50:12

be this perfect, beautiful

50:14

like thing. But

50:16

we all,

50:18

unfortunately sin, it's

50:20

in our human nature to not

50:23

be perfect. And when you come together

50:25

with someone,

50:26

you have

50:28

to accept that and you have to grow

50:30

from it.

50:31

You choose to better each

50:34

other and better yourself

50:36

every day.

50:38

Do you remember the hadith I mentioned

50:40

earlier? Halimah's

50:43

story was all about her love

50:45

for Allah subhana huwata'ala and

50:48

her life in exchange bloomed in

50:50

the brightest ways due to it.

50:52

Giving up what was so close to her heart

50:55

meant that Allah rewarded her with so

50:58

much more. And

51:00

I really mean this guys, there will always

51:02

be barakah and reward in leaving

51:05

what Allah dislikes and embracing

51:08

what Allah loves instead.

51:13

I hope you all loved LoveKember

51:17

as much as I did. I mean, it was an

51:19

incredible season. I can say

51:21

personally, okay, I'm like, y'all,

51:23

but personally, I feel like

51:26

I feel differently about love now. I

51:28

felt a little bit negative before. I

51:30

feel real rejuvenated, real replenished, you

51:32

get me. It was an extremely,

51:35

extremely special season. And as a team at

51:37

TDS and you guys, of course, our audience, I'm

51:40

excited about stepping into the new era together hand

51:42

in hand. I also want you

51:44

guys to keep each of these love stories

51:47

for Habur-ahmah all the way to

51:49

Halimah, AKA Osei, close

51:51

to your heart like I do. I

51:53

want you to remember the power of Dua and

51:56

of having faith and most of all

51:58

of being Muslim. May

52:00

we all let our love for Allah guide our lives, and

52:03

me. And to end out

52:05

the last episode of season 3, I

52:07

want to remind you, it was only

52:10

Halimah's love for Allah which brought about

52:12

the love she now shares with

52:14

her husband. But

52:16

before I go, you already know,

52:18

you already know the dealio.

52:20

I have to give a shout out to my

52:21

team, you guys. I'd love

52:23

to give a shout out because you know we love shout outs here

52:25

in Toronto. To our incredible

52:28

episode producer, Khloe Mizzaid,

52:29

you killed it bro, man. This episode,

52:32

sad favor, I already know. Also, I'd love

52:34

to give a shout out to our lead producer, Hana Avin.

52:37

It's been a pleasure working with you,

52:39

sis. Our writer, an

52:41

oldie but a goodie, right? LaVisa

52:43

Chattery, our graphic designer,

52:45

Wasila Fada, or as I like to call

52:47

her, Sima Sima with the keys to my Viva,

52:51

our project manager, Vihin Khan, our

52:53

sound designer, Youssou

52:55

Dao and our marketing

52:57

extraordinaire. You already know because you heard

52:59

it so many times. But I'm going to tell you

53:01

again, Sosan Abdulahi.

53:03

I love you guys all. Thank you so much for

53:05

listening to this episode this entire season

53:08

and just overall for being who you are. Like,

53:10

you guys mean so much to us. You have no idea.

53:13

I am so appreciative of all the patience you guys had

53:16

in our return. And yeah, I

53:18

hope you really loved this last

53:19

episode. I really hope you did. And

53:22

yeah,

53:23

I'll see you guys in Ramadan.

53:26

Yeah.

53:26

First Friday, you already know, we're going to

53:28

pull up. So you can see you guys next Ramadan

53:31

in your ears, in your speakers.

53:34

Stay with me, telling you a good

53:36

story. See you then guys. Bye,

53:38

Aisha. All right, guys, before you

53:40

leave, I have one more thing to

53:42

tell you, okay? This is a big deal. So really

53:45

listen up. Now after every

53:47

episode drop, you will have, okay,

53:49

listen up, special access

53:51

to behind the scenes content, which now

53:54

includes extended interview

53:55

notes from

53:57

the producer and all of

53:59

the.

53:59

archival content

54:02

we didn't get to include in the episode. Imagine

54:04

that. After the show

54:06

is now live and exclusively

54:08

on iTunes. The episodes will drop

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after every new episode on Friday so

54:13

go subscribe right now. Get access

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