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down. As-salamu

1:39

alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa

1:42

barakatuh. It is your sister

1:44

and friend, Adar, and you're listening to

1:46

the Digital Sisterhood Podcast.

1:51

I am very, very, very,

1:53

very excited to introduce today's

1:55

guest. I know I say that about every guest on this

1:57

podcast, but I really mean it this time, okay? Okay, I really

1:59

mean it.

1:59

this time because this guest is not

2:02

an ordinary guest, okay? But in fact, this

2:04

guest is a dream

2:06

guest on my milestone

2:09

guest list. Like, guest I would love to interview.

2:11

And today in this episode, I get to cross one

2:14

out. Like, that's how much of a big deal this

2:16

is, and I'm so excited. And

2:19

so I first learned about this guest.

2:22

For a friend who sent me an article about her. And

2:25

the little that I read about her, I was

2:27

like, nah, nah,

2:29

nah, I immediately need

2:32

to know more.

2:34

Let me present you today's guest. Shazarina

2:37

Bintiazman, who most of you may know

2:39

as Ms. Nina, is a

2:41

Malaysian woman who carries many, many

2:44

titles.

2:45

She is a fashion designer, a mother,

2:47

a motivational speaker, a television

2:49

personality, a humanitarian, and

2:52

a co-founder of DOPSTV.

2:54

But before she was all of that, she

2:56

was someone else. She was Ms.

2:58

Nina, a musician, singer,

3:01

rapper, and a top charting pop

3:04

star. This story

3:07

is about stepping out of the spotlight and

3:09

into the nur of Allah Subhana

3:11

wa ta'ala. And so Shazarina's

3:14

story begins with the love story

3:16

of her parents. So how did

3:18

I end up here in this dunya SubhanAllah? Allah

3:21

Subhana wa ta'ala chose me to be alive

3:23

in this world. Alhamdulillah,

3:25

Alhamdulillah through my parents, my

3:28

mother, she is

3:31

from a state in Malaysia

3:33

called Nurgri Sminan. It's not the main city.

3:36

So she's kind of in the outskirts of

3:38

Malaysia. And my father is from

3:41

the city of Malaysia in KL,

3:43

Kuala Lumpur. And he comes from this

3:45

place called Kampumbaru. So Kampumbaru means

3:48

like a city village. So

3:52

the interesting part about my parents is my

3:54

father grew up, he

3:57

grew up from very humble beginnings.

3:59

He's the eldest of 13 children.

4:03

And my grandmother

4:06

was the head mistress at the

4:08

school in the village at that time.

4:12

And my dad grew up

4:14

in one, it's like a one bedroom house, 13 kids

4:17

in one big room. So they

4:19

were quite poor. And

4:21

my mom, she's kind of like from

4:23

the royal family, one of the royal families

4:26

in Malaysia. So it's

4:28

like a very interesting love story.

4:32

And in the 60s,

4:34

in the 50s, 60s, it wasn't common

4:36

to have a royalty lady

4:39

marry somebody from the village.

4:42

So they had to go through, I mean,

4:44

their story is a whole other thing.

4:48

But I do love sharing it because not many people

4:50

know this. So they had to go through

4:52

a lot to kind of convince their parents for them

4:55

to get married. But my

4:57

father was so persistent, he

4:59

really wanted to marry my mom. And so alhamdulillah,

5:02

they got married.

5:03

And that's how I came to this life,

5:05

alhamdulillah. So

5:08

what was your childhood like? If you could remember

5:10

your childhood, how would you describe it? My

5:13

childhood, I think, was very protected.

5:16

My father is

5:20

somebody who was in the banking industry. And so

5:22

alhamdulillah, from pamu beginnings, he

5:25

did really well for himself and the family.

5:28

And so I grew up

5:29

in a very protected environment.

5:33

I remember when I was eight years old

5:35

or so, I used to have a bodyguard

5:37

following me around.

5:39

And that was the norm

5:42

until I was about 16. And

5:45

I used to try to run away from the bodyguard. I

5:47

was like, can you just leave me alone,

5:49

me and my friends? Not following me.

5:52

But he's just doing his job. But

5:55

I remember days where I'd never be alone going

5:57

out.

5:59

I'll always have someone with me. And

6:03

I'm the youngest of five, Hamdulillah,

6:06

two brothers, two sisters. And

6:09

I went to an international school pretty

6:11

much all my life. And

6:15

I remember my childhood was

6:17

very nice. I had

6:20

a very happy childhood, loving

6:23

parents, siblings

6:25

who used to make fun of me, because I'm the youngest, so they

6:27

always bully me.

6:28

That's what happens, but I get away with

6:30

stuff too, right? The

6:32

youngest do. We all do. Absolutely.

6:36

I'm an eldest daughter. So for

6:38

me, I'm the eldest. So the youngest

6:40

kid is always like, oh, you're living life.

6:43

You are living. But

6:45

I'm also like the parent as the eldest

6:48

too. You're like a second parent. But

6:50

yeah, yeah, youngest children are really

6:52

fun.

6:53

They keep me young. My little sister keeps me young.

6:56

She goes, out of curiosity, what were your parents protecting

6:58

you from? Why did you have bodyguards? I

7:01

think it's probably because my father was

7:04

in the banking industry and

7:06

just for security reasons. Because

7:10

when I was about 10, one

7:13

of my cousins, he was my age, he

7:15

was kidnapped

7:17

and taken away

7:20

for a couple of weeks. And the kidnappers

7:23

took him into a jungle

7:26

and kept him there and asked for ransom.

7:30

But they didn't hurt him. They fed

7:32

him and took him to the toilet. Han

7:36

Allah. Yeah, it was a whole,

7:38

SubhanAllah, it was so scary. I

7:40

remember him telling me after two

7:43

weeks, I think, the Malaysian

7:45

police came and rescued him. I'm

7:48

not sure how they found him, but they rescued

7:50

him, Han Allah. And he was unharmed. SubhanAllah.

7:53

SubhanAllah. So I think that's something

7:56

that happens. Yeah. I mean,

7:58

there's a lot of people that work the bank here, but another...

7:59

kids are protected but I guess like

8:01

that's something that occurs in Malaysia SubhanAllah.

8:04

I think Malaysia maybe um Asian

8:06

countries

8:08

there's a lot especially especially children.

8:10

Children get adopted a

8:12

lot if you see on YouTube there's a lot of cases where

8:14

children are just getting kidnapped you know especially

8:16

babies and young children. SubhanAllah

8:19

but that's insane to hear like the like using

8:21

them as um as leverage to get money.

8:24

Wow

8:24

SubhanAllah that's that's

8:27

that's super intense um so

8:29

you had a very happy life um

8:32

youngest kid with a bodyguard

8:34

that would follow you everywhere I can only imagine.

8:38

Shazreena siblings were being educated

8:41

in the US and so naturally they brought

8:43

Pizza of the West back with them when they came home. Shazreena

8:46

was opened up to the world that was the American

8:48

hip-hop scene in the 90s at

8:50

the height of his influence might I add and

8:53

when I tell you she was enamored by it all

8:56

she was completely enamored.

8:58

Biggie Tupac the East Coast

9:01

versus West Coast the oversized

9:03

plaid shirts I mean all of it

9:07

but you know growing up I my

9:09

my my my brothers and sisters they all

9:11

studied in the US so

9:13

yeah here's a little bit about how I was

9:15

influenced by the West they

9:18

used to come back every year with

9:20

different types of records cassette tapes

9:23

videos

9:24

and I being the

9:26

youngest you know child

9:28

I basically kind of absorb and listen

9:31

and watch everything they brought home and

9:33

and from there you know

9:36

I started loving music

9:38

I started loving the hip-hop culture in America

9:41

you know I started watching all these like

9:43

videos MTV you know in living

9:45

color

9:47

yes you know breakdance the movie

9:49

you know all kinds of all kinds of movies

9:51

right and that's I started

9:53

loving this this this movement so

9:55

that's when and plus

9:57

my family you know my parents loved music

10:00

My mom and dad used to sing all the time. They used to

10:02

perform at shows, you know, for

10:04

companies. Yeah.

10:06

Wow. My mom, she opened up a music

10:08

school, like a singing school,

10:10

performing art school. So I used to go there after school

10:13

and I'd practice my singing, I'd practice dancing,

10:16

and I'd do that in school as well. And I was really

10:18

active in performing arts and

10:22

sports.

10:23

So it was really, I think I was influenced

10:26

at a young age from my family, definitely.

10:29

So when did, like,

10:31

when did you catch your big break after

10:34

you had like, you know, been doing that?

10:38

I remember I was probably 16 years

10:40

old. There was

10:42

this club, it was called Sharks, I think, if

10:44

I'm not mistaken, I can't remember. It's so long. 1996, a

10:47

long time ago. And

10:49

at that time I was, you know, I've been writing

10:52

poetry for quite a number of years before that.

10:54

I started kind of like writing my own

10:57

rhymes. And I had written

10:59

a verse and I had practiced it a lot. And

11:01

I went to this one gig. And I remember

11:03

there was this group, it was

11:06

one of the like in hip hop groups at the time, they're

11:08

called Poetic Emo. And I was like,

11:10

there was this one MC, his name is Yogi B. This

11:13

is Indian MC.

11:15

And I was like, bro, can

11:17

you give me like a minute on stage? You

11:20

know, can you just like do a beat

11:22

box and I'll just, you know, let me spit a verse, and

11:25

he's like, okay, we'll do it. We'll do

11:27

it during the intermission. And

11:29

I could just remember being on stage, the lights,

11:31

I was pumped up. I was excited. I

11:34

was, you know, when I was performing, I was

11:37

giving it my all, you know,

11:40

and I just felt like really like electrified

11:42

on stage. Like I felt so much

11:45

like

11:45

adrenaline rush. And

11:48

I think that's what got me addicted to performing,

11:50

you know, on stage. That's the thing. They

11:53

get on stage just because it makes them

11:55

feel good.

11:56

It makes them feel like alive.

11:59

They become something else. So

12:02

that was a big crowd and I was excited and

12:05

he gave me my break. That was the first time

12:07

I had ever wrapped

12:09

on stage, not really freestyle

12:12

but I had my own verse. And

12:14

at that time, there weren't any female MCs

12:16

in KL. And ever since then,

12:19

I was approached by different

12:21

people. They're like, hey, you want to join

12:23

our group? You're

12:25

young. When you're young, you want to join crews.

12:28

You're in this group or that group.

12:29

So that

12:32

particular performance put me into

12:34

the hip-hop scene and then I started

12:36

to grow from there and I

12:39

joined a group called the Te Tarek Crew. Shazarina

12:43

joins Te Tarek Crew and goes on

12:45

to perform across Malaysia,

12:47

Singapore, Indonesia, and soon enough

12:50

in one of the biggest and respected stages,

12:53

the Commonwealth Games. At some point,

12:55

the group grows out of doing gigs, which

12:57

gives Shazarina the opportunity

13:00

to go solo. And

13:02

so she went on to work with huge artists

13:04

like FlowRite, Jay Park, Pitbull,

13:07

even ShareStages with Justin Bieber.

13:10

She even made it to the top Billboard 100 in the

13:12

pop category, breaking

13:15

to a completely new genre. Shazarina

13:18

was at the top of her game.

13:22

I remember I heard it on radio,

13:25

Ms. Nina's What You Waiting For, number one.

13:27

I was like, what? SubhanAllah. Online,

13:29

it was number one. I

13:32

didn't expect it to go viral at

13:34

all. I was

13:37

happy, but at the same time, I was nervous.

13:40

I'm like, okay, so what's going to happen now?

13:42

What am I going to do now? So now I have to come

13:44

up with the next hit. And

13:47

that whole process sometimes can be very nerve-wracking

13:51

and it can be very

13:53

SubhanAllah.

13:55

It makes me anxious. It made

13:58

me anxious.

13:59

So, but it was

14:02

a good experience to be

14:05

number one at that time. And

14:08

then I was invited to perform on

14:10

MTV World Stage, which was one of my childhood

14:13

dreams. MTV

14:15

Asia World Stage, that's when I met

14:17

Jay Park. And then that's when

14:20

we collaborated after that on a

14:22

track, on a song,

14:24

after I think it was in 2012.

14:28

We launched that single. And

14:30

then after I launched that single, a year after,

14:32

that's when I quit the entertainment industry. When

14:35

you were at your highest, you

14:37

know, what are the things that you saw? Because I always say

14:39

that like when you're in a, when you get to a particular

14:41

place, you start to see

14:43

the reality of things, right? When

14:45

you're trying to make it somewhere, you just don't see two

14:47

months and then you get somewhere and then you start to see all

14:49

the closed spaces and you start to go, well, people

14:51

are a bit different here. Their

14:54

motivations are different than the one I'm

14:56

in. Did you at all see the realities

14:59

of the industry at the time that you were kind

15:01

of at your highest, at your top?

15:04

People think that the music industry is everything.

15:08

What you see on music videos is like the real life.

15:11

That's what I thought when I was younger, you know,

15:14

when I was that 16 year old girl going

15:16

to that gig, just having a lot of fun, just,

15:18

just, just, you know, experiencing

15:21

life, you know, living that YOLO life,

15:23

right? As I got older

15:25

and haven't been through

15:28

the dark side of the music industry

15:30

and everything that

15:32

is attached to it, I

15:35

realized that that is not real life.

15:37

And in fact, being in that kind of industry

15:40

takes you to,

15:41

to different types of SubhanAllah,

15:45

dangerous

15:47

experiences.

15:50

But yeah, in my solo career, I knew

15:52

that I knew the reality. I

15:55

was kind of like, I was kind of

15:57

like a robot, I think towards the end of my career.

15:59

I was kind of just going through with it. I was like, okay,

16:02

let's do the next single. Let's try to make a hit. But

16:04

I know that this is not really something that

16:07

I want to pursue the rest of my life because I

16:09

know that Subhanallah,

16:11

it's not fulfilling

16:13

my heart. It's not

16:15

giving me that satisfaction that I was really

16:17

looking for. I always believed that music

16:20

would give me peace and give me that happiness,

16:23

but it never did.

16:24

It may be temporarily, because that's what it does.

16:27

It's just a temporary feeling, but

16:29

it's not something that can give

16:32

you the kind

16:34

of contentment that Allah can.

16:36

What was it like before

16:38

you went solo? You mentioned that

16:41

the life of partying was kind of

16:43

very prominent at the time.

16:46

And obviously you were partaking in that. What

16:48

was it like for your family to see you in

16:50

that space? Was it hard for them as well?

16:53

I gave them a really hard time, definitely.

16:58

When I graduated high school

17:00

and I got into college, I used to sneak

17:03

out of the house

17:05

and I would give my mom such

17:07

a huge heart attack. May Allah forgive me for

17:09

all the times that I made her worry,

17:11

Subhanallah. And

17:13

yeah, I gave them a really hard time. And I think when

17:16

I was going down that dark path,

17:20

they were worried for me for sure. They

17:22

were really worried for me, especially my mom, my parents.

17:26

And they tried to stop

17:29

me from getting into these things. But

17:32

me being a rebel, the more

17:34

you say no, the more I'm gonna do it. I

17:36

don't know, psychology maybe. But

17:39

one day I think I hit rock bottom. That

17:41

was when I was really

17:43

at my lowest. I was depressed.

17:47

I was really not functioning very well. And

17:50

I remember my dad telling me,

17:53

he didn't say many words, but he was like, you

17:56

should know better and I'm disappointed

17:58

in you. and you better fix

18:00

yourself.

18:04

And that was all he said. And I was like,

18:06

in front of my entire family, and I

18:08

was like, oh, SubhanAllah, I better

18:10

do something about my life. But really,

18:13

I tried my best

18:15

to kind of get out of it, but what

18:17

really kind of got me away from all of that,

18:20

from that dark life, I think

18:22

was one moment, I think I was in

18:24

my mid-20s,

18:27

where I felt like I was literally going

18:29

to die.

18:30

I was alone in my room.

18:32

It was just me. And I was just

18:34

crying like crazy. I

18:37

don't know what was going on. I felt like as if

18:39

I wasn't gonna live anymore. I felt like

18:41

as if I never, I'm never ever gonna get married,

18:43

I'm never gonna have children, I'm never gonna do anything. I

18:46

was just really just out of it. And

18:48

I think at that time,

18:50

I didn't even know it myself. I

18:53

felt like Allah was the one who saved

18:56

me from there. Because

18:58

I was so deep in it. I was so deep in this whole

19:01

lifestyle, toxic lifestyle, that

19:04

I didn't know how to get out. And

19:06

I was crying for help. My heart

19:08

was crying for help. And

19:11

after that, I think SubhanAllah, I

19:13

think my heart was alive just enough

19:16

for SubhanAllah.

19:21

Just the will to

19:23

want to live, to keep on living. You know

19:25

what I mean? Because when you're in depression, you just feel like the

19:27

whole life is over

19:29

at that time. But

19:33

yeah, just going back to that space is already like,

19:36

it's hard. But

19:39

Ahamdulillah, Allah is the one who saved me. There's

19:41

no one else but Allah.

19:43

In the past, I remember people

19:45

would often describe when they lived

19:47

a life away from the remembrance of Allah as

19:50

being in a deep slumber.

19:53

And when people are in a slumber, they can't

19:55

hear, see, or be conscious of themselves or

19:57

their actions. But their body and

19:59

mind, are dormant, unalive

20:01

even, but their soul isn't

20:04

necessarily dead. For others,

20:06

the slumber for their souls can be sleep

20:08

paralysis. You're awake

20:10

but nobody can hear you. Nobody

20:13

sees you calling out for help. But

20:15

just as they say that death is

20:18

a destroyer of pleasure, in the

20:20

same breath, it is also the noble

20:22

custodian in awakening our

20:24

souls. And for Shazarina,

20:27

it was no different. She

20:29

experienced one of the most beautiful and heart-wrenching

20:32

awakenings of her life.

20:37

So what really happened was my brother

20:40

passed away in 2007 before I went solo. And he is

20:43

my

20:49

eldest brother. I always

20:51

say, may Allah

20:54

grant him jandot al-firdawus and grant him

20:57

a lot of udger and good deeds.

20:59

Because every time I share his story, I pray

21:01

that it will go back to him.

21:03

Because he is one of the reasons,

21:06

he is the reason Allah

21:10

made that happen. And he is the reason

21:12

that he woke me up. His

21:15

death woke me up. SubhanAllah.

21:18

Through tragedy, it guided

21:20

me back to Allah.

21:22

So when

21:25

he passed away, it was a big wake-up call.

21:27

I felt like I had

21:29

a ton of bricks just smashing into my face.

21:31

Like reality hits,

21:34

this is life. There is death. Death

21:36

is real.

21:38

Because

21:42

he went away, I started

21:44

asking myself important questions, which I never

21:47

asked. So what happens to us

21:49

when we die? Where is he right now?

21:51

Remember, I didn't know much

21:55

about the deen.

21:56

I was really kind of like

21:59

a sleepwalker. walking through life. I

22:02

was like a zombie. I

22:05

was living a life without having a heart

22:07

that is alive with Allah in it.

22:09

SubhanAllah. So with my brother's

22:12

passing, he woke me up

22:14

and he got my family closer

22:17

to each other.

22:18

And through

22:21

him, we started to, not

22:23

we, but I started to

22:25

make,

22:26

started to learn how to make

22:28

dua again to Allah. I started to

22:30

learn a little bit more about Islam. And

22:32

that was when the journey of me, relearning

22:36

the deen in a very slow way began.

22:39

Yeah. So do you mind

22:41

me asking, how did your brother pass away? Yeah.

22:46

So he was born with a hole in the heart. So

22:49

he's always been a very special baby and

22:53

he couldn't really talk much

22:56

in conversation.

22:59

But he could do basic

23:02

things.

23:02

Hamdulillah, he had a wife and he has a child. He

23:05

had a kid. But

23:08

because of the complication of the heart, that

23:11

kind of as he grew older, his

23:14

other organs also became, didn't

23:17

function so well, basically. And

23:19

so because of that organ

23:22

failures, he passed away at the age

23:24

of 40,

23:26

at the hospital. Yeah.

23:28

I know, I've got him, Jannah. I mean, Rabbi Alameen,

23:31

I mean. But looking

23:34

back, at that time, of course, in

23:37

that space, it was really difficult to

23:40

understand why it happened and just

23:43

going through the feelings of grief. But

23:46

looking back now, I'm grateful to

23:48

Allah. I'm very grateful to Allah because

23:50

it ignited Iman in my heart.

23:52

And I make dua, that he is in Jannah,

23:56

he will be in Jannah for now. He

23:59

was a very, he was a very,

23:59

He was a very kind person. He

24:02

was a man of very few words. He prayed

24:04

his five daily prayers. He did his... He

24:07

was a good Muslim.

24:09

And SubhanAllah, he

24:12

brought us closer to Allah. May Allah reward

24:14

him for that, SubhanAllah. Assalamu

24:17

alaikum alla. Alhamdulillah.

24:21

Can you guys believe that

24:23

the last 10 days, is it already

24:25

here? Bro, I

24:27

feel like we just started. SubhanAllah,

24:30

I just feel like Ramadan just started. I don't

24:32

even know what happened, SubhanAllah. But don't panic. I'm

24:35

low-key panicking, high-key panicking. But don't panic. We

24:37

still have more days to do good deeds. We do. We really do. Okay?

24:42

So if you're panicking, and you feel like you're not racking

24:44

up as much, I'm here to help you here, okay? I'll be here to help you,

24:46

okay? As you all know, right?

24:49

We've been working with helping hands for relief and development to

24:51

build washrooms in Somalia and Kenya for young girls in school.

24:56

We want you to maximize this amazing opportunity

24:59

of continuous charity in the last 10 days. You

25:02

can secure a girl's dream, future, and education,

25:06

and allow her to endure her time in school

25:08

freely. We are almost close

25:10

to reaching our goal. All we need is for

25:12

you to head to hsrd.org forward slash TDS

25:16

so you can donate. Your

25:18

support now ensures their future tomorrow. I

25:21

hate to be dramatic, but that's the truth. Your

25:24

support now ensures their future

25:26

tomorrow. SubhanAllah. What

25:29

a beautiful continuous charity. So

25:31

if you're looking for a place to donate, this is a great initiative.

25:35

We completely, 100% support it. It's

25:38

important. And yeah,

25:40

don't wait a minute. Don't let Shaitan

25:43

Tait tell you things. Don't wait one minute. Don't wait

25:45

two seconds. Just go ahead and donate.

25:53

Shazarina being the youngest in her crew and navigating

25:56

the world of music alone, she

25:58

fell into what she thought was a dream. was fun at first,

26:01

a temporary source of happiness that

26:04

ended up being detrimental to her mind,

26:06

body and soul. And quitting,

26:09

even with the support of her family and friends, felt

26:12

near too impossible to do.

26:15

And although the passing of Shazarina's

26:17

brother was one of the first steps on her path back

26:19

to Islam, her road to

26:21

recovery was going to make her fight

26:23

for it. I'm

26:26

kind of very vague about it. But when you talk

26:28

about, when you think about addictions, what

26:31

can you be addicted to? Partying,

26:34

alcohol, smoking, all

26:37

that kind of stuff. So once you get addicted

26:39

to something, it's very difficult to kind

26:41

of

26:42

quit. So I started

26:45

that probably in

26:47

my late teens.

26:50

And then it got serious

26:52

in my early twenties. And

26:54

that was throughout different groups and people

26:57

and all that. And then I

27:00

managed to quit everything at

27:02

the age... Well,

27:05

quit the...

27:07

I managed to quit

27:09

the hard stuff,

27:12

I would say, probably by the age

27:14

of 25. Wow, SubhanAllah.

27:18

But everything definitely in my

27:20

mid twenties.

27:22

So it was a long process. And

27:26

SubhanAllah, what

27:29

was the question again? I'm sorry. What

27:32

was the source of your sadness? Oh, okay.

27:35

So you talked about addiction being something

27:37

that led to it. What do you think? Because

27:39

they always say that addiction comes from somewhere.

27:42

Sometimes either you're self-medicating,

27:44

right? To get over something

27:47

or pain that

27:49

you don't know how to handle,

27:52

or you're trying to escape from

27:54

something. What do you think the source of your addiction

27:57

was? You know what it is. I think it started

27:59

from... You want

28:02

to have fun, so you go out and

28:05

you try different things and then

28:07

you keep doing it and suddenly it

28:10

becomes such a huge part of your life that

28:12

you can't live without it.

28:14

No, SubhanAllah. It started out

28:16

innocently like that. It wasn't like as if I

28:19

had a problem to begin with. It

28:21

was always just one and a half fun,

28:23

but it became something more

28:25

serious. When I

28:27

went down that path, SubhanAllah,

28:30

a lot of my friends and my family could see what I was

28:32

doing, what I was going through. Many

28:34

times they tried to help me, they tried to stop

28:37

me. Alhamdulillah,

28:40

there were times where it did help. I

28:44

was able to just stop

28:46

everything, but you know what it is? It's

28:49

the environment that you're in, it's the people that you

28:51

hang with, the friends,

28:53

the industry. When

28:55

you're around people and environments

28:58

that just kind of, it's just right

29:01

in front of you, it's difficult

29:04

to quit. But I think

29:06

SubhanAllah, looking back,

29:09

this part of my story, the

29:12

addiction part, I think is something

29:14

that is I think quite powerful.

29:17

I don't really share because sometimes

29:19

I'm scared of sharing this because of my family

29:25

and my parents. At the end of the day, it's

29:28

me, it's not them. But

29:33

SubhanAllah, addiction is real and

29:36

it is life threatening, it

29:38

is serious and it can destroy a person

29:41

completely.

29:42

And SubhanAllah, and I've

29:44

known so many friends who have died through these

29:47

kinds of addictions. May

29:50

Allah protect them and guide

29:52

them back. And the friends who are

29:54

still doing it.

29:59

Yeah.

33:59

strength but the initial

34:02

few days of just trying to recover was

34:04

difficult body-wise

34:07

physically I think. Like

34:09

fevers, chills. Fevers and

34:11

chills and things like that. So

34:14

yeah. What kept you going?

34:16

What was it that like what was something that kept

34:18

you going from not giving up and

34:21

going back? I think what kept me going

34:23

was because I wanted to be, I had

34:26

an intention to be a good human being.

34:29

I wanted to be a good person. I wanted

34:31

to be a better daughter for my parents. I

34:34

wanted to be a better friend for my friends

34:36

and I wanted to take care of my body.

34:39

I wanted to take care of me because

34:41

I was like you know what I can't live like this anymore.

34:43

I'm just, I've just been damaging

34:45

myself. I've been just hurting myself

34:48

and the people around me and it's

34:50

just not right anymore. So I

34:53

was on a mission to be healthy and

34:55

that's how I think health was a big

34:57

factor.

34:59

That's what helped me kind of just move

35:01

on and and you know

35:03

letting go of also you know friends

35:06

who are not good for me you know because

35:08

it was you know friends are a huge deal because

35:11

you are who your friends are. Yeah.

35:13

So but again recovery

35:15

takes time and I think recovery you

35:18

know the

35:20

person who's recovering what like for me you

35:22

have to have a really strong like intention

35:25

like determination has to be a reason. If

35:27

not there's it's so easy to fall

35:30

back because of the body the body's calling

35:32

you know. SubhanAllah. Yeah.

35:34

But Ahamdulillah I think also you

35:37

know faith plays a huge part in it too

35:39

you know. Of course Allah

35:42

is the one who helped me heal. He's

35:44

al-Jabbar. He's the one who you know

35:46

puts

35:47

you know broken pieces back together again. He's

35:50

the one, he's Ashafi. He's the one who heals.

35:53

I think you know without me

35:56

knowing it

35:57

like

35:58

consciously I think I subconsciously

36:01

or in my heart, deep in my heart, I

36:04

was already calling out to him

36:06

in those dark moments. But those dark

36:08

moments of when I was just really down,

36:11

I was crying. Although I

36:13

didn't say Allah Allah, but I think my

36:16

heart was speaking to Allah. But

36:18

Allah knows, Allah knows what's in there and

36:20

He will give you like exactly what you said

36:22

before, He'll give you what you need,

36:24

exactly what you need at the right time.

36:26

And that was it. SubhanAllah. Yeah.

36:30

It reminds me of actually Shikh Mufti Manir.

36:33

Shikh Mufti Manir, Muhammedir. He lives in Jamaica,

36:35

New York. And he does this famous

36:37

thing called Hadith Disciple Q&A. And

36:39

I'll never forget, he gave advice to

36:42

somebody that had addiction.

36:44

Okay. And he said, what are you addicted

36:46

to? This is straight forward. What are you addicted to? He said, I'm

36:48

addicted to, I forgot what the drug was, addicted

36:50

to something. He's like, okay, start smoking weed.

36:54

He says, I looked at him, I

36:56

said, what? I was telling him to

36:58

talk, I was so confused. And he goes, and

37:00

when you're there, then go to cigarettes.

37:05

And then when you're done, when you're a cigarette, then

37:07

cut it off. You know? I

37:10

never heard that in the sea before

37:12

in my life. But it was practical.

37:14

It was practical. He was thinking

37:16

from a practical sense. He's like, okay, you can't tell,

37:19

like you can't tell people to go cold turkey. You're going

37:21

to set them off a failure before they even

37:23

imagine success.

37:25

Right? Sometimes some people need to do

37:27

it in degrees. You know what I'm saying? And

37:29

I just never heard that in the sea before

37:31

in my life. I was shocked. You know, like how you're

37:33

explaining that process of healing,

37:36

right?

37:37

Of getting off. How

37:40

you explained it was how I did it.

37:43

I just didn't know how to say it.

37:45

But you know, like, for example, like I used

37:48

to be a chain smoker, right? For example, this is one of

37:50

the things that I used to do. Chain smoking

37:52

for 15 years. How did I quit?

37:54

I did it gradually. So instead

37:57

of, I used to smoke everywhere, everywhere in

37:59

the house, in the car.

37:59

whatever, after eating, so

38:02

I would make rules for myself, okay, in the house no

38:04

more smoking. In the car,

38:07

instead of smoking like five cigarettes, maybe you smoke

38:09

just one cigarette. And then you

38:11

cut it down to the point where you don't

38:13

buy cigarettes no more, you just, you just,

38:16

you know, take it off your friend, you know, you

38:18

bum it off your friend.

38:19

And then when that gets really annoying, you

38:22

just stop. Shazarida felt as

38:24

though she was not herself or

38:26

even in her body anymore. When

38:29

performing at the biggest of stages and fulfilling

38:32

the dreams she had since she was a child,

38:35

her heart still was not at peace

38:37

nor at ease. She

38:39

knew she had to leave the industry, an

38:41

industry which encouraged all

38:44

the things that made her feel low and

38:46

depressed.

38:47

Matter of fact, something

38:49

else was brewing deep down within her,

38:51

telling her to look elsewhere, to

38:53

look for another path. The

38:56

truth is, we're always looking

38:58

for signs. We're always asking

39:00

God to speak to us. For

39:03

those signs are all around us, I mean just look around.

39:06

As Allah also mentioned in the Quran, and

39:09

I quote, we will show them

39:11

our signs in the universe and in their own

39:13

selves until it becomes and manifests

39:16

to them that this Quran

39:17

is the truth. They

39:20

are in everything and everywhere.

39:23

Allah is always speaking in a metaphorical

39:26

sense to us. The question is whether

39:28

we're listening. But sometimes

39:30

it's too hard to accept the truth even when

39:32

it's glaring us in the face. Sometimes

39:35

it's easy just to ignore them,

39:36

especially when you don't have all the answers. Sometimes

39:40

it can feel too scary to deal with them head-on.

39:43

But Shazarida was different. Instead

39:45

of burying those feelings, she

39:47

listened. But

39:49

what pushed me to want

39:52

to quit was one day I was,

39:54

I think it was MTV World Stage,

39:57

and I was performing and I can

39:59

remember the crowd.

39:59

It was going crazy in front of me. I was interacting

40:02

with them. I was doing my thing I was singing I was

40:04

dancing and I had the spotlight

40:06

on me

40:07

Everything else was pretty dark because you know when the spotlights

40:09

on you when you're looking out you can't really see people

40:12

It's dark. Mm-hmm. It's like, you

40:14

know, it's because the lights in your eye But

40:17

while I was moving I was already

40:19

in my heart thinking I was feeling thinking

40:22

to myself. This is not me

40:24

Like I'm not feeling this what what am I

40:26

doing? What why am I doing this? You

40:30

know, it was like a like a ha

40:32

moment for me

40:33

That really like made me feel like you

40:35

know what it's time for me to move on

40:38

it's time for me to quit And

40:40

I needed to find a reason to because sometimes

40:42

you get you get so used to that kind of lifestyle

40:45

to the career It's hard to quit

40:47

It's really difficult to quit. But after

40:50

that show I was like, okay. I

40:52

know I'm missing something I know I have

40:55

to look for that one thing that I'm missing

40:57

And at that time people

40:59

didn't know that I was praying I

41:01

was searching You

41:03

know, I was trying my best to pray five times

41:05

a day, even though I wasn't and and

41:07

at that time I wasn't wearing the hijab yet, but I know

41:10

I was looking for some

41:12

kind of spiritual, you know

41:14

enlightenment or spiritual fulfillment and

41:19

The

41:21

The next aha moment was when my

41:23

mother asked me to go for Hajj and

41:26

2013 after that show and

41:32

Immediately I said yes You

41:35

know, I said yes because maybe

41:37

this is it.

41:38

I think I think this is my calling,

41:40

you know I felt it in my heart, you know, Allah planted

41:42

that You know

41:45

that that that I think he opens

41:47

I desire that he opened up my heart to

41:49

to want to search for him

41:51

SubhanAllah he gave me that taufik and

41:54

and and then through my mother, you

41:57

know the invitation to

41:59

go to his house, SubhanAllah,

42:02

and to fulfill that with my mother and

42:05

at that time my ex-husband and

42:07

my aunties and my sister as well. So

42:10

that opportunity, SubhanAllah, that whole experience

42:12

was something that completely

42:15

transformed me, I think, SubhanAllah. It

42:17

was really the pinnacle

42:19

of my spiritual

42:22

hydra, you know, the pinnacle of

42:24

my change and me leaving

42:26

the music industry. Wow, SubhanAllah. So

42:29

tell me about that experience, right?

42:33

You are starting to feel this

42:35

desire to know Allah SubhanAllah

42:37

and it's something I guess you

42:40

know quietly. You're not sharing

42:42

too much, I guess, about it. What

42:44

was it like coming back

42:46

with the way that you were feeling, you know? Before

42:50

going to Hajj, I

42:52

took up a quick,

42:56

like a Tajoo week class because at 33 years

42:58

old I

42:59

had forgotten how to read the Quran.

43:03

And for me that was a big deal.

43:05

I mean, SubhanAllah, I mean, how

43:07

can I go to Hajj without even knowing how to

43:09

read Alif Baata? And

43:15

SubhanAllah, for me going there,

43:17

I made an intention. And I said, yeah, Allah, I want to go

43:19

to Hajj and I want to, you know,

43:22

come back a different person. I don't know what's going to

43:24

happen there. I don't know what to expect,

43:26

but I'm just going to go. I'm just going to follow and

43:28

just go.

43:31

And when I was there, I couldn't

43:34

really read much. I could read a little

43:36

bit, but all I knew was the Al-Fatiha

43:39

and I made it a mission of mine to

43:41

understand what Al-Fatiha means.

43:44

I've memorized it through my childhood,

43:46

but I didn't really understand it. So

43:49

the word for word of it. So

43:51

when I was there, I did that and I

43:54

tried to understand the three

43:57

last surahs of the Quran as well, because

43:59

that's something I memorized.

43:59

memorized. And what really

44:02

SubhanAllah moved me or

44:05

moved my heart to humble itself,

44:08

moved my heart to humble itself

44:10

was the day of Arafah.

44:12

The day of Arafah was SubhanAllah,

44:14

such a powerful day. You

44:16

can imagine

44:19

beautiful sunset. It's

44:22

orange. You've got all different types of hues

44:24

of orange and red and yellow.

44:27

And it's hot. And everyone

44:29

around me is making tawbah. Everyone

44:32

is making dua. Everyone's raising their hands

44:34

up to the sky, asking Allah to forgive them.

44:37

They're crying. And I'm looking

44:39

around and I'm like, SubhanAllah, you

44:41

look at all these people. They're all wearing Ihram.

44:45

There's just so many Muslims

44:46

from all over the world, different

44:48

backgrounds, different experiences,

44:51

the rich, the poor, black, white, brown,

44:54

all colors. And I

44:57

remember telling myself, I want to cry too.

45:00

I want to cry too. And

45:03

SubhanAllah,

45:06

I feel like when I was in Hajj,

45:10

I observed a lot. I didn't know

45:12

much. I didn't know much at all. I didn't

45:15

even know how to read the Quran. But

45:18

I knew I wanted

45:20

to get closer to Allah. So

45:24

when I saw people crying, I was like, yeah, Allah, I want

45:26

to cry too. I

45:30

want to change for you. And

45:32

I want to let go of all these, I want

45:35

to let go of my ego.

45:36

I want to let go of my ego, what's been

45:38

holding me back from

45:41

your love and from getting closer to you. And

45:44

I knew for sure

45:46

I had a big ego problem, especially

45:48

coming from the music industry. It's

45:50

always been about, oh, look at me.

45:53

I'm number one. I'm the best. That's

45:55

how it is. That's what we rap about. SubhanAllah.

46:00

And why

46:02

is it that I could not wear the hijab? Oh,

46:05

you know, because of my ego, because I want to

46:07

be beautiful, because I want people to see me. It's

46:09

always been about

46:11

pleasing people, and it's always

46:14

been about pleasing my own desires and nuffs. You

46:16

know, what do people want? Okay, you want me to wear

46:19

this? Okay, it makes me look sexy. I'll

46:21

wear that for you. You know, oh, you want me to do

46:23

this kind of song?

46:24

That's going to be a hit? Alright, let me do that for you. Oh, you want

46:27

me to move like this? Is that going to look good on camera? Alright,

46:29

let me do that for you. It's always been about pleasing

46:32

other people.

46:33

And for once in my life, at

46:37

that time, for once in my life, the

46:39

first time in my life, I'd say, I

46:42

was like, I don't want to do this for people no more. I

46:44

don't want to do this for people no more.

46:46

I don't want to do this for me no more. I want

46:48

to do it for you, your Allah, and

46:50

I want to be a Muslim.

46:52

Before my

46:54

Hajj, I had a non-Muslim friend come

46:57

up to me and say, Nina, are you Muslim?

47:00

And that hit me because

47:02

I was like, of course I'm Muslim. How can you

47:04

not think I'm not Muslim? And then

47:06

I thought to myself, wait a minute, am

47:08

I

47:09

acting like a Muslim

47:11

or am I not? SubhanAllah.

47:15

So that kind of ignited

47:18

something within my heart too, to

47:20

want to pursue looking

47:22

for Allah. So

47:25

that whole Arafah

47:27

experience broke me down and

47:29

I needed to break. I needed to break

47:32

that ego and I need to shed

47:34

off those layers of

47:36

ego just kind of blocking me from Allah.

47:39

And ever since then, I made

47:41

the intention to want to learn the

47:44

deen, to learn the deen because

47:46

I had wasted so much of my life, 33

47:48

years old, I

47:50

missed out on learning about the deen and realizing

47:53

that, you know what, we don't even know how long we're going

47:56

to live. Tomorrow's

47:58

not even promised.

47:59

So how much time do I have left to

48:02

relearn what I had missed? If

48:05

I had SubhanAllah, but you know what? No ifs because

48:08

that's from Shaitan.

48:09

That's from Shaitan. Everything is

48:11

planned by Allah just as he

48:14

sees fit and he is the

48:16

best of planners and most perfect in everything.

48:18

So the timing of everything is

48:21

just as it should be, SubhanAllah. So

48:24

from Hajj, from that day of Arafah, and

48:27

I remember there was this one time, because prior

48:29

to that I was not wearing hijab. There was this one

48:32

time

48:32

at the hotel, I think

48:35

my aunt's son wanted to

48:37

grab something from my room, you

48:39

know, to pass in something. And I

48:41

forgot to wear my hijab.

48:43

So I walked out the room without the hijab

48:45

on and I saw him

48:47

and then I suddenly felt, I felt naked

48:50

for the first time. Ever. I

48:53

felt like, yeah, I felt naked. I

48:56

was like, oh SubhanAllah, you can see me without

48:58

my hijab. And I ran into

49:00

the room and I was like, okay, I

49:03

think it's time. It's time.

49:04

It's time for me to keep it on. So

49:07

ever since then, he's never seen me without a hijab.

49:10

Hamdulillah. You know what, that's

49:13

the moment of iman. You know,

49:15

faith is like, it starts to show in your limbs,

49:17

you know, because you live one way. Because I know what that

49:19

feels like. I wasn't a person that was practicing

49:21

my faith either. But then you remember the moment

49:24

where you're like, oh, I'm not who I

49:26

used to be anymore.

49:27

You know, things feel uncomfortable. You

49:29

know, I'm more inclined to other things than I am

49:31

the other. I think about things more, you

49:34

know. And then you take a moment to look

49:36

back and like, oh my God, I've I'm changing.

49:39

I am. It's happening, you

49:42

know, and it's part of the most beautiful thing to

49:44

realize when you are.

49:46

And it's even more beautiful, as my mom always says, it was

49:48

it was beautiful to witness you change

49:50

before my eyes. You know, it

49:53

was a sign from a lost I tell it to me, too. Somebody

49:56

who was living one way is coming back and doing another

49:58

is like truly.

51:59

you know, stop printing, are you

52:02

okay with that? And Hamdila,

52:04

she's like, you know what, Nina? I

52:07

kind of thought you would do this. And I was like,

52:09

really? What? She had a

52:11

feeling that I was gonna do it,

52:13

somehow. I don't know. What did she

52:15

see? I don't know, I never asked her. I should ask her. This

52:17

is a good one. Oh my God, I don't wanna ask her. I said, what did

52:19

you see? So how do I look? I need to ask her.

52:21

So she said, yeah, you know, it's up to you. You know, you're a grown

52:24

woman. This is your life. You can do what you wanna

52:26

do. This is what you feel is right. Then

52:28

I'm okay with it. So I was like, great.

52:30

So I did that. I

52:33

quit everything. I stopped everything for

52:36

two weeks. I didn't do much. I just kind

52:38

of just stayed at home and just

52:41

with a selected few friends and family.

52:43

And that was it. Like I didn't wanna go out. I didn't even

52:45

post on social media and

52:47

do anything. And I met up with

52:49

a sister who was a Quran

52:52

teacher at that time.

52:53

And I had so many questions to ask

52:55

her. I was like, okay, so now

52:57

that I'm back, what should I do? And she's like,

53:00

okay, well, if you want, I can teach you Quran. To

53:02

tajouit. I said, okay, let's do tajouit. And

53:04

then I was like, you know, Shaytan

53:07

puts like

53:08

these thoughts in your head. And I'm like, oh, what if

53:10

I did like a hip hop, you know, like a hip hop,

53:12

like Islamic album? What do you think?

53:14

And she's like, Nina, no.

53:17

I'm like, why not? No.

53:20

Isn't it, you know? So I had all these questions.

53:23

Is music halal? I mean,

53:25

like, is it haram? What is halal? What

53:27

is haram? Can I do what I can't do? And

53:30

then there was one Islamic

53:32

conference that came to Malaysia. It was

53:34

an Islamic retreat call. It

53:36

was called Reclaim Heart Therapy.

53:41

And we had a few international scholars

53:44

come in like Sa'at Taslim, Shita Taslim,

53:48

Shaykh,

53:50

Kamal Al-Makhi, and

53:52

a few other shaykhs from

53:54

Almagrip basically. And- The

53:57

OG's. Yeah, the OG's, because this was

53:59

still 2015.

53:59

13, like fresh out of Hajj. And

54:02

I read Sheikh Sa'at-Taslim's bio

54:06

and I found out that he used to be a punk

54:08

rocker. He

54:12

used to be in a rock band and then look at him,

54:14

he's a sheikh. So I was like,

54:17

oh, he should have the answers that I'm looking for.

54:20

So I went because I wanted to talk to him.

54:23

And I was just blown away

54:25

by the knowledge that was

54:28

coming to me.

54:29

I was like, every class,

54:31

every teacher was just, I was just like, whoa,

54:34

SubhanAllah. It was just so amazing,

54:37

this knowledge. I was just so fascinated

54:39

by what I was learning. And I

54:41

was just so, I was on that iman

54:43

high and I was writing my

54:45

notes like crazy. I was like writing really fast

54:48

and

54:49

just super energized and

54:51

excited at every class. And

54:54

when I got to speak to him, I

54:57

asked him about music. I asked him, is this

54:59

a good idea? Should I do an album? He

55:02

gave me his answers and I understood what

55:04

I had to do.

55:06

Although in the beginning it was kind

55:08

of difficult because we know, I mean, I

55:10

don't know, is it okay to say here, right?

55:13

But of course it's a mix of opinion, but I

55:15

think the majority can say that musical instruments are

55:18

haram. Yeah, it is. That's the majority

55:20

opinion. That's why we don't use music on our podcast.

55:23

So now you're learning.

55:24

I'm learning. I'm learning. We

55:27

had like conferences, you know, a lot

55:30

in 2014, Malaysia had a lot of like shapes

55:32

coming down doing talks, you know, over

55:34

the weekend. These are like a short,

55:36

like three day conferences. And

55:38

then I was invited to be

55:40

on a program with Osa Zayasman Mujahid

55:43

in 2014. We went to New Zealand

55:46

and basically it was like an Islamic retreat. So

55:48

I learned a lot there. And at the same time we

55:50

shot videos for that, like a whole

55:52

series. And then that

55:54

kind of like started my career

55:58

doing like Islamic.

55:59

content on YouTube. I was

56:02

not the producer, but I was like a host. I was somebody

56:04

who was basically learning the Dean, and

56:06

they were just filming me on my way

56:08

of learning the Dean. So basically, not

56:12

the listeners, but the people

56:14

who watch the program, they're learning with me. So

56:17

I don't know much, so I want to ask questions

56:19

so we can learn together. So that was the whole idea

56:22

of these programs. So

56:24

that's when I launched my company called DopsTV,

56:28

Dean of Peace, D-O-P-S-E-V. It's

56:31

on YouTube. However, at the

56:33

moment, we're not really active because things

56:35

happened during COVID, and it was really difficult for

56:38

production at the time. So

56:40

we're not active right now. So that

56:42

kind of pushed me into, and I loved

56:44

being that role because I got to meet people. I got

56:47

to learn a lot more. I got to meet with

56:49

different chefs. We did a program with

56:51

the Manc. We did a program

56:54

with Numa Ali Khan. And

56:56

we shot that program

56:58

in New York.

56:59

And then with Muti Manc, you were in South Africa.

57:03

So all these experiences to

57:05

me was really like me just learning

57:08

I

57:08

wasn't

57:24

a consistent one. I

57:27

did an Islamic diploma in 2015

57:30

at Aries University, but

57:32

that was only like six months.

57:34

And then after that, that was

57:36

when I had a big dip because

57:39

I started learning. I went to another program

57:41

and I was like, oh, I don't understand anything. It's just

57:43

too much for me.

57:44

I need to step back and

57:46

I need to go back to the basics and

57:48

just stay there for a while and just be consistent

57:51

with that. And then I can kind of add on to

57:53

my learning. Because you

57:55

know, you're up

57:56

and there's definitely going to be that huge dip that you were talking

57:58

about. You got to just slow

58:01

down a little bit. No, let go, but just

58:03

slow down. Hold on.

58:04

But what really helped me

58:07

with my learning is Al-Huda. I

58:09

mean, big shout out to Al-Huda. Big

58:11

shout out. I was introduced

58:14

to Dr. Farhad. She

58:16

came to Malaysia a couple of times. Mashah

58:19

Zabar Kallat and Usa Zaa Aisha. I

58:21

think you know her as Sister Aisha Al-Tav.

58:23

She's a student of Dr.

58:26

Farhad as well. And so

58:29

I started to learn with her when she came to

58:31

KL with the Jewels of Quran.

58:33

And then Sri Lanka

58:35

Al-Huda opened up. Oh,

58:38

Mashah Zabar. Yes. And they offered

58:41

online classes. And because Sri

58:43

Lanka's timing and Malaysia's timing is a lot closer,

58:45

so it was easier for us to kind of get into

58:48

the live class. So I did the TQ. I

58:50

started TQ in 2018 or 2019. And

58:55

then we graduated last year, 2022, al-Hambri-la. Oh

58:58

wow. Wow, that's so much. Congratulations.

59:01

Yeah. I love America. We're family.

59:04

We're family, so al-Huda family. Yeah. Al-Huda

59:06

family. Al-Huda family.

59:07

Oh my god, what was it like studying

59:09

the Quran though? It was good. What was it

59:12

like? It must have been life changing. Let me just hear

59:14

it. I want to hear it for you. Oh, SubhanAllah. Yes.

59:17

It's SubhanAllah life changing. I think the way

59:19

that the teachers from Al-Huda teach,

59:22

it really is... To

59:24

me, it reaches my heart.

59:25

Every class, every Tuftsir class,

59:27

like even Usasat A'imiya, before I even joined

59:30

TQ, I used to listen to her

59:33

Tuftsir classes on the

59:35

app because you have TQ 2012, it's all there. Yeah.

59:40

Yeah. Shira, how is it all there for everybody? Yes,

59:42

SubhanAllah. So it really

59:45

is life changing because I got

59:47

to learn what Allah

59:49

is saying word for word.

59:51

For me, that was just the biggest thing,

59:54

being able to stand in throwaway prayers

59:56

and recognizing words in which the

59:59

imam is...

59:59

is saying the

1:00:03

words of Quran and kind of just knowing like, okay,

1:00:05

I know what this is about. Oh, this is

1:00:07

about Jannah, this is about the

1:00:10

stories of the prophets or SubhanAllah.

1:00:14

And it changed everything

1:00:16

that I did in my life, everything, my

1:00:18

work, the

1:00:21

way that I interact with my family,

1:00:24

how I dealt with my difficulties

1:00:27

in life, how I dealt with my divorce,

1:00:30

how I did everything. SubhanAllah,

1:00:33

Al-Huda just became my life. It's

1:00:36

just SubhanAllah, you have to do your word for word

1:00:38

seven times. That's like minimum,

1:00:41

right? Everywhere

1:00:43

I went, I had my blue juice with me. We

1:00:46

had the blue juice. And we'd have

1:00:48

the famous blue juice. Now they

1:00:50

have the new one, but SubhanAllah. And

1:00:54

doing the course for four years,

1:00:56

really when I look back now, I'm like, how did

1:00:59

I even do that?

1:01:00

How? And it's all from Allah.

1:01:02

Allah puts the Barakah in your time. When

1:01:05

we make time with the Quran, it is Allah SubhanAllah

1:01:07

that gives you the strength, it gives us the tawfik

1:01:10

and the energy to be able to do it

1:01:12

and stay

1:01:15

istikama with it, steadfast with it.

1:01:17

So I'm still with Ahud

1:01:19

al-Naw though. Hamdulillah.

1:01:22

Hamdulillah but a slightly different

1:01:24

role.

1:01:25

But yeah, to

1:01:27

me, Ahudah was a way in which

1:01:30

I got to know my

1:01:34

rub better and

1:01:35

I got to know what he wants me to do in

1:01:37

my life

1:01:38

and how to respond

1:01:40

to everything that happens to me in my life. Without

1:01:43

Ahudah, without having

1:01:45

to learn the Quran the way that I did with Ahudah, I

1:01:47

wouldn't know where I would be right now.

1:01:49

SubhanAllah. It reminds me, it takes me back

1:01:51

to when you said in the Arafat,

1:01:53

when you asked Allah, oh Allah, I want to cry

1:01:55

the way. You know what they're crying is because of

1:01:57

their knowing.

1:01:59

They knowing. Allah SWT, right? And

1:02:01

what you're asking Allah essentially is I want to know you

1:02:03

the way they know you, right? And

1:02:06

that's why and then a few years later you graduate

1:02:09

and now you know him, you know, it's so crazy

1:02:11

going praying a salah

1:02:13

and not understanding what's being talked about and

1:02:16

the day that you can is the

1:02:19

most Flabbergasting

1:02:22

so laws not the same like you just it's

1:02:25

like it's like when it's like how you read a

1:02:27

book And it's like you're standing and for the

1:02:29

first time because well, I can I tell you

1:02:31

know the most heartful Like I remember a moment

1:02:33

that really hurt was like, you

1:02:35

know And it's similar to your out of five experience when I

1:02:37

was in salah and somebody was crying I talked about

1:02:40

my wildfire episode. I didn't know why he was crying. I

1:02:42

felt so left out,

1:02:43

you know, it's like man I don't even know Allah

1:02:45

I don't even know what he's saying right now and all

1:02:48

these people have knowledge and I do not What is that?

1:02:50

It's just jarring Understanding

1:02:52

that you're in trouble like you just

1:02:54

don't know anything It just feels

1:02:57

so isolating if we already feel I saw you feel

1:02:59

super isolated And then

1:03:01

somehow you find the will to keep showing up and

1:03:03

then you start to know him and then

1:03:05

salah Just starts to transform

1:03:08

because before that when you don't know you're just praying

1:03:10

but you're you are showing up So how

1:03:12

and that's those moments still mean something to Allah, you

1:03:15

know still showing up Cuz imagine someone showing

1:03:17

up to prayer and they don't know exactly what the prayer

1:03:19

imagine they still showing up They're dedicated,

1:03:22

you know and and and what they're such a looking for is Allah's

1:03:24

guidance But I think those things are beautiful

1:03:26

to you know to show up even when you didn't know and

1:03:29

then Allah So it takes you to this beautiful moment

1:03:31

when you do know and then now

1:03:33

prayer looks different

1:03:35

Now prayer means different. It's

1:03:37

like you understand a lot if you know what's going on You're more

1:03:40

present because everyone says oh like what's the recipe

1:03:42

for cook sure? You

1:03:43

know, like how do I remain and cuz sure I said

1:03:45

you need to understand what's being said You

1:03:48

know like when you know what's being said your cuz

1:03:50

sure it's intense because you you know As

1:03:52

you know for example bad to hear you sort of use them and you're

1:03:54

hearing all the story and you're listening to it You

1:03:57

how could you how could you get out of cuz

1:03:59

you're you're a mad

1:03:59

imagining everything that's being said, you

1:04:02

know? And so it's like you're focused,

1:04:04

Han Allah. But yeah, so

1:04:06

tell me about that moment where you went from not praying

1:04:09

and not knowing the first day you might

1:04:11

have heard something, you're like, I know what he's

1:04:13

just said. I know everything.

1:04:15

I think it was the

1:04:17

first Ramadan during

1:04:20

Al-Uddah and he was reciting

1:04:23

Surah Al-Bakar and I was like, I know this, I know this,

1:04:25

I was so excited but you have to keep it, you know, you have

1:04:28

to be crucial. You

1:04:31

know, I was just so happy and

1:04:34

I wrote a reflection on that and I shared it

1:04:36

to my teacher, to my GI, you

1:04:38

call them TAs, right? GI

1:04:41

is T-A-A-S. I

1:04:44

was just so happy

1:04:45

and I remember the

1:04:47

moment when I cried because

1:04:49

I understood what it meant, you know? I

1:04:52

can't remember which verse it was but

1:04:55

SubhanAllah, even now, you know, because I haven't

1:04:57

been practicing my word for word, you

1:05:00

know,

1:05:01

the vocabulary becomes and goes, you know? I

1:05:04

remember some words, other words, I'm like, wait, what was that

1:05:06

again? But

1:05:10

the feeling of understanding the word

1:05:12

of Allah and how heavy and how

1:05:14

Allahu Akbar, how SubhanAllah,

1:05:17

how deep, just one word can go, you

1:05:19

know, just by the vocabulary of it and just knowing that it

1:05:21

is the word of Allah, it is eternal, it is

1:05:24

haq.

1:05:26

I'm

1:05:28

not trying to promote Ahudah but of course, you

1:05:30

know, I do. I'm trying to promote it, I'm

1:05:33

trying to promote it, everybody go down to the... Everybody

1:05:35

go to Ahudah and register for TQ, please,

1:05:37

any class is good inshaAllah. But

1:05:41

it is something that, you know, coming from, you know,

1:05:43

Hajj, not understanding,

1:05:46

not knowing like you said, I couldn't

1:05:48

even read Tajweed, Alif Bata, you

1:05:51

know, I didn't even know what Al-Fatiha meant,

1:05:54

why did I have to read it, to

1:05:56

standing in Salah and, you

1:05:59

know... understanding the first, say, 10

1:06:02

verses of Surah Al-Baqarah.

1:06:06

For me, even

1:06:08

that, I think that really struck

1:06:12

my heart.

1:06:14

I'm speechless sometimes.

1:06:16

I feel SubhanAllah,

1:06:18

how blessed it is to

1:06:20

get this opportunity to do so, to understand.

1:06:24

And Allah is SubhanAllah

1:06:26

so kind and so merciful to give us

1:06:28

that blessing and opportunity.

1:06:31

And sometimes I feel like, oh, am

1:06:33

I grateful for this blessing? Am

1:06:36

I grateful enough for this blessing? And

1:06:38

I'm scared sometimes of losing it,

1:06:40

because it's something that we need to keep

1:06:42

practicing.

1:06:43

And it's like anything else. If

1:06:46

you don't practice, if you don't keep doing it, if you don't

1:06:48

keep reflecting, if you don't keep learning,

1:06:50

it could go. And you can't really protect us from

1:06:52

losing any of the knowledge.

1:06:55

And I've always, with Al-Hudah, one

1:06:58

thing that I take from the course is making

1:07:00

sure that whatever I learn from Al-Hudah, I

1:07:02

want to give it back to people.

1:07:05

I want to share that with people. And

1:07:07

because of Al-Hudah, Alhamdulillah,

1:07:09

I launched my Islamic app. I don't know if you

1:07:11

know that, but I have an app. But tell

1:07:14

me, where

1:07:16

does this app come from? And what is the source of inspiration

1:07:18

of this app? And this app is very, very well

1:07:20

done, Rashallah. But tell me about the app. So

1:07:23

the app was inspired, of course, from my

1:07:26

experience in Al-Hudah. There's a class

1:07:28

called Khusun al-Khuluk.

1:07:30

It talks about the disease

1:07:33

of the heart, and it talks about a heart

1:07:35

that is sound. And one

1:07:39

of the things that I take with me from Al-Hudah

1:07:41

is the importance of, and of course, in

1:07:43

the Qur'an, the importance of the heart.

1:07:45

And at the end of the day, we want to

1:07:47

go to Allah with a heart that is

1:07:50

sound, that is pure. And

1:07:52

Allah will look at our hearts, and He will look at

1:07:54

our intentions and our actions. And

1:07:56

that's where we need to focus on. And I was thinking

1:07:58

to myself, you know what, we live in such a...

1:07:59

Fast-paced life everything is instant

1:08:02

everything is you know we want it now and sometimes

1:08:05

we get so caught up in this dunya We

1:08:07

forget about the important things you

1:08:09

know in life Which is of course the heart

1:08:11

the Quran and we become desensitized

1:08:14

you know our heart becomes really rusted really hard

1:08:16

So I thought you know I want to have an app that insha'Allah

1:08:18

can help the Muslim lifestyle give reminders

1:08:21

notifications You know bring you

1:08:23

back to the Quran In a

1:08:25

tech way in a cool way you know for especially

1:08:27

the youth who maybe you know for them

1:08:29

to open up like a Quran book Might be hard

1:08:32

or difficult or to go into a full-on

1:08:34

lecture is difficult, but they can you know

1:08:36

do it on the app So we bring

1:08:38

them back to the Quran. We have the du'as there We have

1:08:42

videos there from from different lectures

1:08:44

different scholars different teachers

1:08:47

We have all kinds of features to kind of insha'Allah

1:08:49

ignite the heart with Iman again and

1:08:51

again and again through these different reminders So

1:08:54

that that's that's the whole thing about call

1:08:56

be my heart because it's your

1:08:58

heart that matters

1:08:59

at the end of the day That

1:09:02

is so it's hard a lot of lie.

1:09:04

I'm just first of all I'm I'm inspired

1:09:06

by

1:09:07

your life you know because

1:09:11

Yeah, well like because there's there's so

1:09:13

many boundaries you Overcame

1:09:16

and I think chokes people up for

1:09:18

example the fact that you learned

1:09:22

The

1:09:22

Quran at a later age you know a lot of

1:09:24

people say I'm too old to do it. I'm 30

1:09:26

something I can't learn of can I move a law is

1:09:29

my time is passed

1:09:30

and they get choked up about that you know

1:09:32

and And this was why I really loved

1:09:35

Allah because they're all about it doesn't matter how old

1:09:37

you are my class the classmate I'm

1:09:39

sitting beside is a mother with six kids,

1:09:41

and then there's a Woman who in her

1:09:43

sixties in our class you know and it

1:09:45

really just says like there's no there's no age when

1:09:48

it comes to Which I love

1:09:50

that's their whole thing But

1:09:53

I know a lot of girls who just don't

1:09:55

go back because it's like I should have learned it

1:09:57

at 14 I should have learned it at 16

1:09:59

But you know, SubhanAllah, one

1:10:02

of the shiks, I really love for the sake of Allah, Shukmat

1:10:04

As-Samaul HaMidi from Toronto,

1:10:07

he said, your relationship

1:10:09

with the Qur'an is a reflection of your relationship with Allah.

1:10:12

If your relationship with the Qur'an is far,

1:10:14

then what do you think your relationship with Allah is?

1:10:17

I don't care what you're doing, you know? To

1:10:19

take it very seriously, you know? And

1:10:24

so, when I hear that and then I see women who just give up

1:10:26

because they're older now, it's

1:10:28

really devastating because you have to have a relationship

1:10:31

with the Qur'an, you know what I'm saying? It's beyond

1:10:33

age, you can't limit it, you know? This is

1:10:35

the way that you understand Allah, this is the way that Allah speaks

1:10:38

to you. This is how your blueprint,

1:10:40

this is your navigation. Today how you're going to get from

1:10:43

here to another country without GPS, you know

1:10:45

what I'm saying? Imagine deciding to turn off

1:10:47

your GPS and say, oh, I'll

1:10:50

get there, huh? It makes no sense, logical

1:10:52

sense, you know? Seeing

1:10:54

it that way, you know? And

1:10:56

hearing you learn that at an

1:10:59

age where people might think, oh, it's too late. And

1:11:01

then to turn around your life and get out of a really

1:11:04

difficult place. And

1:11:06

then to study your dean and then to graduate

1:11:08

and then to start an app.

1:11:10

So, how do Allah, like your trajectory is truly,

1:11:13

it's like, it's one of those, you're kind

1:11:15

of one of those people people have to know.

1:11:17

It's like how we know about the companions, you

1:11:20

know? We know about who they were before, you

1:11:23

know? And who they are now and who

1:11:25

they are when they passed. And they were of the best,

1:11:28

but they also had really difficult pasts,

1:11:31

you know what I'm saying? But that tells you only

1:11:33

about Allah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, most, you know?

1:11:36

And I really hope that people are really

1:11:38

listening to your story and seeing like, no

1:11:41

one is far from Allah.

1:11:43

Your life can change so

1:11:45

drastically. And you could not only

1:11:47

be put on a path to

1:11:49

Allah, but you could be, Allah can make you a custodian.

1:11:52

He makes you an example for others to think

1:11:55

about,

1:11:56

to reflect about. You know, when you look at People's

1:11:58

Model, like in this podcast, it's about doing to dimple all

1:12:01

people's lives. You know what I'm saying? The way

1:12:03

that like they're, it really is. It's about

1:12:05

reflecting, look what Allah had did for this person.

1:12:08

Glad tidings, like look, look at what Allah

1:12:10

could do for this person and that person

1:12:12

and this person. Look how far this person was.

1:12:15

Look what they end up, you know. Now today they're

1:12:18

providing, not only are they

1:12:20

practicing Muslims or they're, you know, slaves

1:12:22

of Allah, humble servants of Allah, but they're

1:12:25

also people calling people back.

1:12:28

They're telling people come back. I

1:12:30

was there, I know, come back.

1:12:32

There's no life there for you.

1:12:35

You know and those are the moments that make me really emotional because

1:12:38

I think that's where, that's where the relating comes from.

1:12:40

That's where we relate the most. Everybody can relate

1:12:42

to a difficult moment, you

1:12:44

know, but not everybody can relate to a good

1:12:46

moment. Like everybody, some people just haven't seen anything

1:12:48

yet.

1:12:49

Some people just been in darkness for a while,

1:12:51

you know, and so, JazakAllah

1:12:54

Khayy for sharing that. Yeah. I'm

1:12:57

excited to talk to you about one other chapter that

1:12:59

I had read in the article which was you adopting your

1:13:01

son. Why

1:13:03

did you adopt? Well, and what's

1:13:05

his name? Suvat Allah. His name

1:13:08

is Musa. His name is Musa. Musa?

1:13:11

Yeah. He's one

1:13:13

and a half years old now. So, Alhamdulillah.

1:13:15

May Allah make him like Musa. Amin,

1:13:19

Amin, Mashallah Tawakala. So

1:13:23

in the beginning,

1:13:23

I wasn't keen on adopting because,

1:13:27

you know, we always want to have our own child, like from us,

1:13:29

you know. But after 11

1:13:33

years of trying, I

1:13:34

was like, okay, so maybe

1:13:36

we could, you

1:13:38

know, visit this idea of adopting.

1:13:40

And

1:13:43

you know, Alhamdulillah, at that time I was still learning at

1:13:45

Ahudah

1:13:46

and I had asked my teacher's

1:13:48

advice and, you know, about adoption.

1:13:50

How does it work? You

1:13:53

know, can I actually call this

1:13:56

baby my son? Is he really my son? So

1:13:58

we know that, you know, at the end of the day.

1:13:59

We're not the real biological mother

1:14:02

or biological father, but we

1:14:04

can be someone who caretakes

1:14:06

for this child.

1:14:08

Who cares for this child.

1:14:09

And they can call this mom or dad, that's not

1:14:12

an issue, you know, that's not a problem.

1:14:13

So I made a lot

1:14:16

of dua to Allah. And the dua that

1:14:18

I said a lot was Musa's, Ali Salaam's

1:14:20

dua, Rabi's rahri sardari. Ya Allah,

1:14:23

expand my chest and my heart so

1:14:25

that I can have

1:14:27

more love to love this child for

1:14:29

your sake. You know, because

1:14:32

to love SubhanAllah, to love a child

1:14:34

that's not from you is different.

1:14:38

It's not different, but it's not easy to get to

1:14:40

that space. And I had

1:14:42

to make a lot of dua. Ya Allah, expand

1:14:45

my heart, let there be love for other children

1:14:48

in my heart, not just my own child. Because

1:14:50

you know, we have desires and we want to have

1:14:52

our own baby. We

1:14:53

try, we try, we try. But Hamdulillah,

1:14:57

I actually met a few, I didn't

1:15:00

meet, but there were a few other babies

1:15:03

that were available to adopt. But

1:15:06

at that time when I held them in my arms,

1:15:08

I was like, no, I'm not ready for this. SubhanAllah,

1:15:13

I looked at the baby, she

1:15:15

was only like two days old and I was like,

1:15:17

no, I'm not ready. But

1:15:20

the process took me about almost

1:15:23

a year

1:15:24

to kind of get myself emotionally ready,

1:15:26

physically ready to breastfeed because I

1:15:29

had to induce the milk. So

1:15:31

I had to start taking pills like months ahead.

1:15:34

And then Hamdulillah, I have a friend of mine

1:15:36

who works very closely with single

1:15:38

moms and women who

1:15:42

want to abort, women who throw

1:15:44

away babies. You know, there's a lot of this happening in Malaysia.

1:15:48

So there's this one sister, I met the mother.

1:15:50

In the beginning she wanted to, she

1:15:53

wanted to, what

1:15:55

did I just say just now? I'm sorry. She wanted to abort the

1:15:57

child.

1:17:54

And

1:18:00

then when she gave birth, you know, I

1:18:03

wanted to be there with her, but she was like, no, can I have

1:18:06

my sister? I was like, okay, the next day,

1:18:08

you know, SubhanAllah, it

1:18:10

was very emotional for her to let go of

1:18:12

Musa.

1:18:13

And it was very emotional for

1:18:15

me to take Musa from her. It's

1:18:17

not easy, a mother to let go

1:18:20

of her baby. That's why I called

1:18:22

him Musa.

1:18:25

Because Musa al-Isalam

1:18:27

has two mothers.

1:18:29

Both mothers are righteous women.

1:18:31

And both mothers, he was good to

1:18:33

and they were good to him.

1:18:35

And I believe in Shaulah that when Musa

1:18:37

grows up and he can understand, I want

1:18:40

to share with him the story of Musa al-Isalam,

1:18:42

the beautiful story of our Prophet Musa al-Isalam

1:18:46

and how SubhanAllah both his mothers

1:18:48

brought him up to be such a wonderful,

1:18:51

wonderful Prophet Allahu Akbar.

1:18:55

And so that he won't feel that it's not normal,

1:18:57

it's abnormal to have two moms.

1:19:00

It's normal. It's okay. Our

1:19:02

Prophet had two moms. You know, we have so many

1:19:04

people who adopt nowadays who are in contact

1:19:06

with the biological parents

1:19:09

who get along,

1:19:10

you know, for the sake of the child.

1:19:13

Sorry, I'm gonna cry.

1:19:17

It's okay, SubhanAllah. Oh,

1:19:20

that's so beautiful. SubhanAllah, actually,

1:19:22

sorry. That

1:19:26

is like, that is truly, I didn't even know

1:19:29

your reason. I was gonna ask you, but that's

1:19:31

so beautiful, Allah. You

1:19:35

know, it's just the story of

1:19:37

the Prophet and our knowledge of it, how we implement

1:19:41

their lives. It's

1:19:43

like, it's really beautiful and it just, I

1:19:46

don't know, sorry. No, it's okay. I'm tearing

1:19:48

up. I feel it, who said? He also told me to

1:19:50

make him righteous. Tell

1:19:52

him about his life like that.

1:19:59

that you know there's

1:20:02

a lot of people a lot of children out here who feel alone and

1:20:05

they don't understand why things are different for them

1:20:07

but somehow you made it very special because

1:20:10

who I would love to have life my life

1:20:12

similar to the Prophet Musa'a alayhi wa sallam.

1:20:14

Who would it? Sufhan Allah. Yes.

1:20:17

Sufhan Allah. And he's the most mentioned prophet

1:20:19

in the Quran right? Sufhan Allah. And

1:20:22

it's just it's truly what a beautiful

1:20:24

way what a

1:20:25

beautiful way to

1:20:28

to raise a child to explain his

1:20:30

situation by relating it to the prophets.

1:20:33

I just I'm so touched by that. Makes

1:20:35

me want to adopt and practice. And

1:20:40

practice because that is truly as

1:20:42

truly remarkable because you're right Musa

1:20:44

had two moms. He had two moms.

1:20:48

And the first mom had to give him up for

1:20:51

his safety you know. Yes. And

1:20:53

she didn't you know that was the hardest thing she ever did but

1:20:55

she did that for Allah's sake. Yes. And

1:20:59

then he met Asiya and you know she raised

1:21:01

him so upright and obviously

1:21:03

Asiya we know her story. It's just it's

1:21:06

truly it's truly beautiful. Walayyads.

1:21:09

I'm very very touched by that. Sorry. No.

1:21:11

Hamanilla. I love that. I love

1:21:13

that so much. In sha Allah you never know

1:21:15

you know adopting a child is Sufhan Allah's

1:21:18

beautiful thing and there's so many babies

1:21:20

out there that need love and care

1:21:22

you know. Sufhan

1:21:26

Allah. It is true

1:21:28

there there needs to be more Asiya's and

1:21:31

you know Musa's mother needs to be more of them. You

1:21:33

see if you're paying

1:21:35

attention

1:21:37

to the stories we share on this podcast you

1:21:39

should be able to notice the ways in which Allah

1:21:41

blesses us. And sometimes how

1:21:43

that manifests

1:21:45

can either look like through Allah's tests

1:21:47

or the ways in which he derails our entire lives

1:21:50

to a different course. And oftentimes

1:21:52

the course he puts us on despite our

1:21:54

apprehension of it is far

1:21:56

more beautiful than what we could have ever

1:21:59

imagined.

1:21:59

Sometimes that's how he raises our stations

1:22:02

and characters so we can earn janta furodosa

1:22:04

ala so we can sit amongst the

1:22:06

prophets and the companions and perhaps

1:22:09

our stories of hardship and triumph and sacrifice

1:22:11

for the sake of Allah are similar to the

1:22:13

greats.

1:22:14

And just overall, being wrong

1:22:16

about what you think will make you happy in life can

1:22:19

be your greatest blessing. Plus

1:22:23

it makes for a beautiful story anyway. And

1:22:25

so just as Shazarina had to imagine a

1:22:28

new dynamic of a family when adopting

1:22:30

Musa, Allah pressured

1:22:32

to imagine a new family dynamic

1:22:34

again, despite the fact that caused

1:22:37

her so much pain. Single

1:22:39

motherhood. So it was a whole

1:22:41

lot of emotions going on for me last year from

1:22:44

divorce to the whole you know

1:22:46

being a new mom, breastfeeding

1:22:49

and then Ramadan

1:22:53

and how did you do how did you handle it?

1:22:55

How did you handle that? Oh SubhanAllah I you

1:22:58

know I just held on to the Quran.

1:23:00

I just held on to the Quran and I held on

1:23:03

to listening to tafsir classes and

1:23:06

so many of the answers that

1:23:08

I was looking for came

1:23:10

through just learning the Quran.

1:23:13

You know versus about divorce suddenly

1:23:15

just popped up when I was going through the whole process

1:23:18

of divorce. SubhanAllah. It always happens like

1:23:20

that though. That always happens like

1:23:22

that. You'll be you'll read a surah

1:23:24

so many times and I so many times one day you go through

1:23:26

something and that eye just comes out it seems

1:23:29

different. Allahu Akbar. It seems different to you.

1:23:31

Yes. It's like it's talking to you.

1:23:33

Allah is talking to you.

1:23:35

SubhanAllah. It's like oh you think you know

1:23:37

what's good for you but you don't.

1:23:39

You know that's at first that Allah knows what's good for you,

1:23:41

what's better for you. And I'm like uh-huh

1:23:43

and Allah's planning, he's al-latif. You

1:23:46

know trust in his plan and I learned this

1:23:48

whole you know Istikara. I never used to pray Istikara

1:23:51

much but I started praying Istikara a lot

1:23:53

last year and the power of

1:23:55

Istikara and the clarity Allah gives

1:23:57

you just by doing Istikara and making

1:23:59

that dua is, Allahu Akbar, SubhanAllah,

1:24:03

really such divine guidance

1:24:05

from Allah. Was it like when you

1:24:07

realized that being a single mom would be

1:24:09

your future with a newborn? It must have been a bit of a shock.

1:24:12

It was, I mean, I was shocked. I

1:24:17

was all over the place. I

1:24:19

felt all kinds of emotions, everything. I

1:24:21

felt lonely. I felt sad.

1:24:25

I felt disappointed. I

1:24:28

even felt, there was a

1:24:29

point where I felt like, am I not good enough? Am

1:24:33

I, what am I doing wrong?

1:24:35

You know, there were moments where I was doubt, there

1:24:38

were a lot of moments I was doubting myself as

1:24:41

being a good mom, you know, being a good wife,

1:24:44

being a good Muslim. You know, am

1:24:46

I good enough? SubhanAllah, just

1:24:48

too many, just so many emotions. But

1:24:52

SubhanAllah is again, you know, if I

1:24:54

didn't hold on to the Quran, I think I would

1:24:57

have just broken even more. Alhamdulillah,

1:24:59

I was not so broken. Allah kept me

1:25:02

together.

1:25:03

You know, Alhamdulillah, I was able to deal

1:25:05

with those emotions in a way that was healthy.

1:25:07

Alhamdulillah, you

1:25:09

know, it could have gone a different way.

1:25:12

But

1:25:14

what verse in the Quran do you remember most

1:25:16

from that year? Like you

1:25:19

remember reading, thinking, this provides me comfort.

1:25:23

I think it's just knowing that, I can't

1:25:25

remember exactly which verse, but the gist of the

1:25:27

messages is that you may

1:25:30

want something that is, it's like

1:25:32

you want something that's bad for you. You

1:25:34

want something that's good, but actually is bad for you. But

1:25:37

Allah knows what's best for you. When

1:25:39

I look at that verse, I think to myself, you

1:25:41

know what?

1:25:42

I don't know what's best for me anymore.

1:25:44

You know, Allah, this is your plan. You know

1:25:46

what's best for me and I'm going to accept

1:25:48

it and I'm going to take it in and

1:25:52

I'm going to just, I'm going to just,

1:25:54

you know, do my best. And if I'm crawling,

1:25:57

I'm crawling right now, but I need you to help

1:25:59

me just put it in.

1:25:59

keep it together. You know? Ahamdila

1:26:03

Allah provided me means in which I could.

1:26:06

Like my friends, SubhanAllah,

1:26:08

my beautiful sisters who I love for Allah's

1:26:10

sake, they were there

1:26:12

for me like any time

1:26:14

I needed them, you know, and they will always

1:26:17

give me reminders. They'll

1:26:19

always share with me about Quran. They

1:26:21

would, you know, they would tell me, you know, Nina, Dohr

1:26:23

Allah is with you. He's testing you

1:26:25

right now because he loves you, you know,

1:26:27

and remember their blessings.

1:26:30

They remind me to be grateful. And

1:26:32

SubhanAllah, one of the

1:26:35

things that helped me get through my divorce is

1:26:37

looking back with a lens of gratitude.

1:26:41

Really, it's not something that I

1:26:44

regret. I am grateful for it

1:26:46

because I wouldn't be the person I am today without

1:26:49

having gone through any of that. And there was so

1:26:51

much Barakah and Khayr that came out of that marriage,

1:26:54

you know? Wow, inshaAllah. And

1:26:56

that's the only way I can move on,

1:26:58

you know? Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for all

1:27:00

these years. I thank my husband as

1:27:02

well. I mean, not my husband, my ex-husband, don't

1:27:05

put that in, my ex-husband,

1:27:08

you know? I had closure

1:27:10

with him and throughout

1:27:13

the whole process, I'm always making Dohr Allah,

1:27:15

please, you know, help us through this, make

1:27:17

it and help me do isan, help

1:27:19

him do isan to me as well.