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0:31

I'm excited that you

0:33

guys have found each other. May Allah

0:36

subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you, bless

0:38

your life. And this is the most amazing

0:41

sign, one of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's most amazing

0:43

signs. And we should really think about

0:46

it and know, with all

0:48

the ups and downs, what amazing

0:50

signs Allah has given

0:51

us. As-salamu

0:53

alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

0:57

It is your sister and friend, Adar, and

1:00

you're listening to the Digital

1:02

Sisterhood Podcast.

1:04

For episode two of Love Timber, I want

1:07

to take you guys back. I mean way,

1:09

way back. I mean all

1:12

the way to season one.

1:14

Do you guys remember?

1:16

It was an episode called, There Was

1:18

Always Hope For Love. In

1:21

that episode, we met the one

1:23

and only Asma Hussain. Round of applause

1:25

for her, please. And she took us through

1:27

her beautiful yet heartbreaking

1:30

love story with her late husband, Amr.

1:33

After enduring the grief of her husband and finding

1:35

herself widowed, Asma

1:37

never lost sight of what she deserved to have.

1:40

I mean, that's why we resonated with her so much. Now,

1:43

after two years,

1:44

she's back in the stoop to share

1:46

what her life looks like now.

1:49

I met somebody in 2021. We

1:52

talked for a couple of months. So yeah,

1:55

September 2021, I got married. Yes,

2:00

yes, yes, yes! I feel like I need to

2:02

do that. A la la la la! Because you

2:04

got married. You got married. I got married. We

2:06

weren't there, but I feel like, I just feel

2:09

like you just got married. Tambala. Yeah,

2:11

I mean, it was two years ago now, but

2:14

I guess because nobody knows. It's a little different.

2:17

The wedding itself was

2:18

actually quite beautiful in the sense

2:20

that, I think there was a total

2:22

of maybe 25 people there.

2:24

It was quite a small wedding. Very

2:27

intimate, very quick,

2:30

almost.

2:30

I welcomed people

2:33

in. I didn't do an entrance. I was already there

2:35

when they showed up. So it

2:38

was such a simple wedding. We just had

2:40

really good food, a nice cake,

2:43

I think some homemade desserts too. In

2:45

and out, the whole thing probably took

2:48

an hour and a half. Much so. Maybe

2:50

two for people who kind of lingered after. It

2:53

was honestly my quote unquote dream

2:55

wedding. Simple,

2:58

quick, in, out, good food, cake, you're done. So

3:00

can you describe me what the energy was like that

3:02

morning? What was the energy like, the energy

3:04

for me? Yeah. So I had actually stayed over

3:06

at an Airbnb with

3:09

two of my friends and my daughter. And

3:11

so in the morning, we just woke up, took a shower, just

3:14

everything was like, I was resting, I was relaxed.

3:17

I was

3:20

in an environment where I just felt very accepted

3:22

and comfortable.

3:23

And then my friends tried

3:25

to convince me to wear more makeup than

3:27

I did. And they're like, it's not enough.

3:29

I'm like, dude, please, this is not me. My

3:33

friend tried to put eyeliner on me. I'm like, you need to stop. This

3:35

is not working for me. So

3:39

yeah, so we got ready and then we headed over. I

3:42

literally drove my car. It was just, it

3:44

was how

3:45

I wanted it to be, just

3:46

really chill. I drove my car in the location.

3:49

And then my fiance at the time showed up as well. He

3:53

had flown up from the US, just him on

3:55

his own, right? Because it was hard for any of his

3:57

family to come. So

4:00

he was the only person in that room that

4:03

I didn't know him, but

4:05

like that wasn't like a long

4:07

time relationship in my life. So

4:10

yeah, in the actual

4:12

room at the wedding, I feel like the energy

4:14

was really buzzing with

4:17

excitement. And I think the reason

4:19

for that is just because I had exactly who I

4:21

wanted to

4:22

be there.

4:24

There. Does that make sense? You know what I

4:26

mean. And so there is no

4:28

like extra anybody. It was just people

4:30

who I knew would be genuinely excited

4:33

and happy for me from the love. And that's why I say it was my quote

4:35

unquote dream wedding. Yeah. Everyone

4:37

is just so excited and like overjoyed

4:39

and my daughter gave a little speech and everybody

4:42

like, you know, was like, oh, and like

4:44

they were just so genuinely happy.

4:46

You know, what's funny? I actually got made fun

4:48

of a lot that.

4:51

You know why? Because I had the wedding that I

4:53

wanted. Yeah. But other people are like,

4:55

what are you doing? What do you mean? You're already here? Like,

4:58

why aren't you wearing heels? Well, like all the things,

5:01

all the things. But because I knew that they were just like

5:03

kind of like half joking with me, it was fine. Yeah.

5:06

Because it was really different. It was really different for everyone.

5:09

Yeah. The pandemic, too, like everyone was kind of what a wedding

5:11

looked like at that time. And I'm

5:13

sure it was so different from like what your

5:15

wedding was like in the past or the wedding of your family. So it's

5:17

like, wow, OK, given

5:19

like, you know, just chill vibes,

5:21

the baby was surprising. You know, it's interesting,

5:23

even when I had married on so many years ago

5:25

in 2010, the cap and then 2011 wedding, I

5:28

remember thinking like this wedding is literally

5:31

for our parents. Oh, it's

5:33

just I would have had my neck.

5:35

I was beautiful, simple. I already had my

5:37

girls party with like just my friends. This

5:40

is like I'm showing up because my parents and his parents

5:42

want this for us. And he's all the same, too, actually. He's

5:44

like, yeah, this is for us. And so this

5:46

time around, I was like, no, this is for me. So

5:49

I'm going to show up exactly as I want to. The

5:52

new car itself

5:52

was performed by my brother. Wow.

5:54

Right. So we didn't even get an email or

5:57

anything. I love that. So I love that. When

6:00

you were driving to essentially your

6:02

wedding, what were some of the thoughts that were

6:04

going on in your head? Like, did you have the windows down?

6:06

You're like, wow, today's a wedding day. Like,

6:09

did you have a moment like that? Listen, my windows

6:11

were not down. My hijab was in

6:13

the exact correct place and

6:16

it was not going to move. Okay. If

6:18

it moved, I was going to be done. Okay.

6:20

Not the cliche and, you know,

6:23

opening credits of a rom-com where it's like, she's just

6:25

blowing her. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

6:27

The opposite. I don't know. You know, I will

6:30

say I was nervous, right? Because

6:32

if you think about it, I hadn't been married

6:34

for eight years, right? Almost

6:36

eight years on the dot. And so the idea

6:39

of getting into another relationship was just

6:41

emotionally and conceptually difficult.

6:44

But I kind of just slept that away. I'm like, you

6:46

know what? Obviously, it's going to be difficult. I

6:48

had some moments of cold feet, not going

6:50

to lie. And I'm like, well, why am I doing

6:53

this? Why did I choose this person? Am

6:55

I making the right decision? Like those moments did

6:57

exist. But at the end of the day, I'm like,

6:59

well, I made a sahara. I consulted with

7:01

people. I've talked to him for many months. And

7:04

if I talk to him for another six months or year, am

7:06

I going to learn anything new about him? No. Right.

7:08

And so I kind of had to like take myself through that

7:11

logical

7:12

progression, I guess. But no, like

7:14

when I arrived, I just felt comfortable. Yeah.

7:17

Hamdallah.

7:18

When,

7:19

you know, when you decided you were going to marry this person,

7:21

you know, was there qualities about him that

7:24

you were like, oh, he feels like the right person.

7:26

So I definitely didn't feel any alarm. So

7:29

that's true.

7:29

He was just somebody who was.

7:33

It seemed like we were really on the same wavelength.

7:36

Right. He was just somebody who was funny. He was somebody

7:38

who his level

7:40

of religious practice was also

7:43

seemed to me to be at

7:45

like a sweet spot in the sense that he

7:47

was practicing. He prayed, you know, all

7:49

of the things, but without taking

7:51

the religion to an extreme. Right.

7:54

And that was important for me. Because I think

7:56

when you when you were practicing, I mean, men

7:58

or women, right?

7:59

It's very easy to kind of take it

8:01

to an extreme and be very strict and be

8:03

very I don't even know the English

8:05

word for it just to be very strict about

8:07

things and I know that I couldn't

8:10

have been with somebody who was very Controlling

8:14

and strict and that kind of thing because like if

8:16

you think about it Yeah, I said before that I was I was

8:19

single for eight years, right? I didn't have

8:21

a husband to you know, quote-unquote answer

8:23

to obviously like I had my family still

8:26

But like I could kind of just do whatever

8:28

I wanted I mean within limits obviously,

8:31

but like I was free to come

8:33

and go to take part in events

8:35

that I wanted to to travel when I needed

8:37

to for work and like I'm

8:40

not saying my family loved it all the time But

8:43

like they knew I'm like, like you're

8:45

in your 30s Like you know, you have a good head

8:47

on your shoulders and whatever so to for

8:49

the concept of getting into a marriage Where I

8:51

was going I feel like I have to

8:54

put everything in quotes, right? I was going quote

8:56

unquote backwards Was

9:00

scary, right and so I was at

9:02

that time I was specifically looking for somebody who

9:05

would Just kind of let me do

9:07

what I needed to do and not be like

9:10

where you going? What are you doing when you know,

9:12

just like very overbearing? Mm-hmm So

9:14

he really struck me as somebody who

9:17

fit the bill essentially

9:19

So us found the man she

9:21

wanted to marry our favorite

9:23

sis on the internet found

9:26

Love again. Are

9:28

you kidding me? If

9:31

I'm screaming ear I am so sorry, but

9:33

can you stop like I don't

9:35

even know what to say I'm I'm near speechless.

9:38

I mean she found the person she wanted to marry to reach

9:41

for the life she saw for herself

9:43

That's But

9:47

before anything else she needed

9:49

someone's approval

9:51

Someone who is a vital part of the entire

9:54

process who had something to

9:56

say

10:00

It is a fun and exciting,

10:02

such as the new night. When I first

10:05

met, I was in Philadelphia. If

10:08

you did see me, I would be well connected

10:10

to you. Well served, my

10:13

friend. I'm

10:15

really happy to be here. I

10:18

love you. We're

10:20

going to teach you something. I'm

10:22

going to teach you a new language. I'm going to teach

10:24

you how to do it. I love

10:27

you. I'm going to teach

10:29

you how to do it. I

10:32

love you. I

10:34

love you. I

10:37

love you. I love

10:39

you. I love you. I

10:42

love you. I

10:44

love you. I

10:46

love you. It's a fun and

10:49

exciting night. Nothing can

10:51

change the ocean. I love you.

10:56

After hearing Rukhia's speech, I

10:58

mean, you're right to think that Rukhia

11:00

is happy for her mom, excited for

11:02

her mom, got nothing else to

11:04

say, which of course was really

11:06

important for Asma. However,

11:09

the way that Asma raised Rukhia,

11:12

girl, if Rukhia had something to say,

11:14

bro, she was going to say it. It

11:19

was hard for her. It was hard for her. And

11:21

I don't blame her. It's hard for

11:23

me to talk to her about it and to manage her

11:25

emotions around it. Because

11:27

if you think about all the lectures that we've heard about

11:29

marriage, if we think about everything we've

11:31

been taught in the Muslim community about marriage, like

11:35

remarriage is really not talked about. Stepchildren

11:39

and how to foster those relationships, I

11:42

haven't heard anybody, maybe one

11:44

lecture I might have heard or like a five-minute

11:46

something somewhere, but

11:49

I don't talk about it or focus on it in the Muslim

11:51

community. And I mean, if you think about the

11:54

divorce rates in the Muslim community, what

11:56

is it, like 40%, 50%?

11:59

is in

12:00

general in the wider community,

12:03

it's the same in the Muslim community. And so if you're

12:05

looking at people getting divorced at such

12:07

high rates, remarriage and

12:09

stepchildren and all of those relationships are

12:12

actually kind of a big deal. And so

12:15

there wasn't a lot of guidance. And so I

12:17

felt like I kind of was just making

12:19

it up as I went and trying my best to be very comforting

12:21

to her. And something she would

12:23

consistently say is she

12:26

thought that I would forget her father

12:27

if I got into another

12:30

marriage. And I mean, from her perspective

12:32

of child, it does feel like you're replacing someone.

12:35

Right? And so I understood. It was very hard

12:37

for me to hear that, but I understood why

12:39

she said it and why

12:40

she was feeling it. And it's interesting,

12:42

like she was nine months old when Amr passed

12:44

away. So it's not even like she has memories.

12:47

She doesn't have memories of him at all. It's

12:49

just him as a concept is

12:51

just so important to her

12:53

that like

12:54

it still feels

12:57

she never used this word, but I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna describe

13:00

what I think she was feeling was betrayal,

13:02

like a sense of betrayal that like, but don't we love

13:05

Amr so much? How could you make

13:08

a commitment to love someone else? Which by the

13:10

way, it's not a lot. I think adults

13:12

might even feel the way about their own relationships of

13:15

a lot of relationships they lost. Like, can I like,

13:17

what does that mean to the relationship I had?

13:20

You know, like, it's actually a very natural thing to

13:22

think about. I mean, even I had those feelings

13:26

for so many years. And I can't

13:28

even remember. I think on the first episode

13:30

that I was on digital sisterhood, I

13:32

talked a little bit about when my

13:34

mindset shifted a little bit and it was after hedge and,

13:37

you know, all of that stuff. People can go back

13:39

to episode. I mean, the season one, always

13:42

hopeful of they know. Yeah. Okay. They

13:45

know. So I did have

13:47

those feelings of if I, if I'm with

13:49

someone else, it feels like a betrayal, right?

13:52

And we all know that it's not, right?

13:54

That like for

13:57

a woman who's been widowed, all you

13:59

have is the more... morning period, and

14:01

then there's, you can

14:03

marry any, like you can marry, and there shouldn't be

14:06

this stigma or this sense

14:09

of betrayal, but you know, we're human

14:11

beings, right? Our emotions sometimes

14:13

overtake us, our emotions are complex, and

14:16

so I knew that it was halal, like there's no question about

14:18

that, but like just the feeling I had inside was

14:20

like really murky and like not pleasant, right? But

14:23

alhamdulillah, that eventually passed.

14:25

So her, you know, it's funny, she gave a speech

14:28

at the wedding, right? Actually

14:30

you've seen the video. It

14:33

was really sweet, it was a really sweet speech, but

14:35

then like she kind of took me aside at

14:37

the wedding and she's like, I don't know if I'm okay with this.

14:40

She's eight, this child who's eight, I'm telling you

14:42

she says what she thinks. She's like, I

14:44

don't know if I'm okay with this, I don't know, like I don't know

14:46

how I'm feeling, and again,

14:49

there's no blame whatsoever, right? Because it

14:51

is, it's a big thing. It's a... She's

14:53

feeling big adult feelings. She's feeling big adult feelings. I

14:56

feel like she's feeling 100%. And

14:58

then so me, as another big

15:00

adult,

15:00

I feel those feelings too, but I can't tell

15:03

her, yeah, you know, something about this, like it is hard.

15:05

Like I have to comfort her, right? And

15:08

I told her, like, I know that

15:09

this is foreign, I know that this is something that might make you

15:11

feel uncomfortable. And I talked her through it,

15:14

but literally like she whispered it in my

15:16

ear while I was sitting

15:18

at the head table. At the head table like that? At the

15:20

head table like that? Like I saw the video. It's like

15:22

you're at in front of the people. Yes. And

15:25

then you're like, oh, I'm at the members, all the far right. Your fiance

15:27

is right beside you and then she's on your left. Yeah.

15:30

If she just whispers like that while you're there for everybody. Yeah. Like,

15:34

what is it? Like, God, what am I? I kept my composure.

15:37

I kept my composure. And like, she

15:39

has a lot of big emotions, big feelings,

15:41

and she always has. And so it

15:44

didn't really shock me. Right?

15:46

But

15:48

I actually can't even remember what I told her, but I just,

15:50

I tried to comfort her and she seemed to have like a good time

15:52

at the wedding. And you know, with her cousins

15:54

running around and stuff,

15:55

I love you guys. How that could be like, I love that she's, she

15:57

can tell you exactly how she even in

15:59

the middle of your niqat. She

16:02

will tell you and I hope

16:04

that never changes. I mean, I mean,

16:06

never changes if you can talk to her mom even in

16:08

the middle of her wedding day and say I'm

16:10

not liking this right now. It's kind of like I

16:13

remember this thought that I always used to make

16:16

for Allah's parathah to keep Rekha'iyeh

16:19

my best friend. And listen,

16:21

listen. What does it sound like? Like

16:24

we're getting to a difficult years

16:27

with her, right? Because she's approaching teenage

16:29

hood and all that stuff. So, the tussle, the tussle.

16:31

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna, we're gonna

16:34

tussle a lot, right? But

16:37

I hope that that all remains

16:40

within context of just being close and that

16:42

she can trust me and all that. And don't get me wrong, I yell

16:44

sometimes. I make all the mistakes,

16:47

right? Just like any other parent does. But

16:49

yeah, may Allah make us or continue to

16:52

help us be close. I mean, also I keep

16:54

you always and have that, you know, I've always

16:56

wanted that Gilmore girl mother

16:58

and daughter. So I planned to get married at 18 and

17:01

it didn't work out. I was like, damn, I'm not going to be the

17:03

young mom that we're with except for sister. So,

17:06

so like now I'm into Korean skincare

17:10

to backtrack. So I look like the 18 year girls. When my

17:12

daughter becomes some of my age, she'd be like, is

17:14

that your sister? She'd be pissed. You

17:17

know, I always wanted that for my son.

17:19

You never know. You never know. I'm

17:21

sorry to look like a baby's bottom right now. But anyway,

17:24

we're at the end of the wedding day. But

17:27

my question to you is, is this, if

17:30

Amr could talk to you just one more time for

17:32

a moment, what do you think he would have said to you

17:35

on your wedding day? If his ghost

17:37

could talk to you, what do you think he would have said to his ghost?

17:39

Oh my god, that's a really interesting question.

17:44

Honestly, I think, I

17:46

think he would be happy. I think

17:49

he would be happy. You know, I really

17:52

doubt that he would want me to live my

17:54

whole life alone. I would hope

17:56

that he would say, I'm happy for you and I'm proud

17:59

that you've gone to this.

17:59

point, you

18:00

know, where you're open again and you're doing

18:03

all the things you're doing in your life and all that. Yeah,

18:06

I think so. He was always a husband

18:08

who was so emotionally in tune with me.

18:12

He was very kind, very respectful,

18:15

didn't put a lot of limitations on me. He

18:18

would always encourage me. Like he saw

18:20

that I had a penchant for writing and he's like, you know, even

18:22

like after I had Rekhaya, he's like, you know,

18:24

when you feel up to it, right, or she's at like

18:26

the daycare stage that we can put her in daycare, I

18:29

would love for you to do like writing.

18:31

You're really good at writing. Maybe some volunteer

18:34

work. Like he was that person, right,

18:36

who wasn't just like, you're gonna stay home, you're gonna watch

18:38

the kids, which is fine, right? If you stay home and watch

18:40

the kids, perfectly fine. But he was always somebody

18:42

who encouraged me towards reaching

18:44

my potential. And so I

18:46

don't think this would have been any different. He

18:49

would have been supportive of it. Yeah. Did

18:51

you get any advice from your mom on your wedding day? Like

18:54

did she take you aside, give you the, like, you know, the sihah?

18:57

So she didn't give me advice per se, but

18:59

she, you know, she talked

19:01

to me and my, I'm just gonna say his name, Ahmed, right?

19:03

She talked to me in Ahmed and just made

19:05

dua for us. That Allah would keep us steadfast.

19:08

So it was just dua from my mom, from

19:11

my friends. They went up to him

19:13

and they're like, she has a crew here. You

19:15

better watch out. Yeah. You better

19:17

watch your back. You better treat her like a queen. Otherwise,

19:20

we're gonna come after you. And I love that. I

19:22

love that. They just came out and said it. Okay.

19:25

Yep. Yep. I feel like,

19:27

you know, you just gotta remind people that sometimes these people are loved. Yeah.

19:31

They are loved. They are wanted.

19:34

One of the biggest misconceptions

19:38

is that when women get married, right?

19:40

And they find their bridge charming and

19:42

they set up to the sunset and

19:44

like life is blissful and you're there for

19:47

the celebration and the congratulations and

19:49

the singing and the dancing. And

19:51

it's just this entire like event that this person

19:53

has entered this new chapter. That we think that

19:55

that's it. It's time for us as friends, as families

19:58

to back off.

20:00

In my experience, through my friends who've been married, that

20:03

chapter actually, the chapter of marriage, can be one

20:05

of the most daunting and alienating

20:09

chapters ever because for a lot

20:11

of women, and this is true, for a lot of women, getting

20:14

married also means moving away. It

20:17

also means making a new life. It

20:19

also means moving out. It also means making new

20:21

friends. It also means just adjusting

20:24

and readjusting, and it can just be just

20:27

overwhelming. Now imagine

20:29

being in this position and then having no

20:31

one check on you, no one call you, no

20:34

one

20:34

say anything to you because it's like everyone's thinking, well, you know, you're

20:36

married, you're set off, like you add to the

20:38

hot sunset. And

20:40

my favorite moments of sisterhood

20:41

and friendship is when friends come

20:44

to their friends

20:45

after all the celebrating, after

20:47

all the woo-ha-ha-ha, even

20:49

after when everyone is left, and they tell

20:51

their friend, and they look them in the eye, and they say,

20:54

I will be here for you for this chapter

20:57

and for the ones that come, in good

20:59

times and in bad. And

21:01

they remind you that no matter what,

21:04

they have their back.

21:07

I love those moments, and I think they're so,

21:09

so special. It's quite a lot. One

21:12

of the greatest examples of this kind of message is

21:15

when Asma's friend comes to her in a

21:17

video letter

21:18

with complete open arms

21:21

and an open heart

21:22

and says,

21:24

Hey, Asma. I just wanted to message

21:27

to say that I loved your wedding, how

21:30

everything, like how you look, people's gorgeous,

21:33

Mashallah. The place is perfect

21:36

for this. And I

21:38

loved how short and sweet it was. I

21:41

think that your brother Mashallah did, like,

21:43

justice to the occasion and

21:45

to everyone. And

21:48

I, you know, I just want you to know that

21:50

I'm with you. And as

21:52

I've learned, and

21:55

you would have known, you know, marriage

21:57

is a journey. We don't lose

21:59

it. our friends in the process,

22:02

actually what we do is we need our friends and

22:04

we need them more. So I want you to remember

22:07

that I'm with you and we're with

22:09

you and yeah I'm

22:11

just so emotional because it's I

22:14

mean it reflects I

22:17

mean just made it over like a huge

22:20

huge mountain and may Allah give

22:22

you so much beauty and goodness in your

22:24

life.

22:26

So after the wedding, it's actually just like a

22:28

couple of days after the or maybe like a week after

22:30

the wedding, Rekhae and I flew down right.

22:33

He lives like a seven and a half hour drive

22:35

from here but we just flew and that's

22:38

it like we were ready to start our new

22:40

life and a new city in a

22:42

new country because obviously

22:44

we're from Toronto, Canada. He's from Philadelphia.

22:47

He's from Philly? Yeah, yep and I

22:49

didn't hear until a year or

22:51

two later that you should have married

22:53

someone from Philly.

22:54

That's like a thing. You guys should see other right

22:57

now. She's like rising in pain. I'm

22:59

dying because I can't

23:01

have people really come for us because they're actually scary.

23:04

But

23:04

Philly, outside of that, they are the

23:06

funniest

23:07

people. They are there. And

23:09

they're actually both unhinged. But I love

23:11

Philly. It's a cool city. It has a lot of amazing

23:13

things. But so we moved

23:16

and it was just at the point where

23:18

my daughter could start a new school. I found an

23:20

Islamic school there but the school

23:22

was like at

23:25

least a 45, 50 minute drive every

23:27

single day to and from. That was really

23:29

stressful but things

23:31

weren't going okay. Generally speaking, I had

23:34

a lot of emotions. Rollercoaster

23:36

of emotions myself and my daughter. We were in

23:38

a completely new situation now

23:41

living with a spouse

23:43

and now the dynamic of stepdad,

23:45

stepdaughter and then he also had a young daughter

23:47

so me being a stepmom. It

23:50

was just a lot of things. All

23:52

at once a lot of things coming at me. Even

23:55

one of those things would be challenging. But

23:57

a lot of things coming at me. Not only

23:59

that but... I'm in a city where

24:01

I don't have any friends, any

24:03

family, any connections. And so

24:06

it's almost like, this is a weird

24:08

metaphor, but like you're filling up a bathtub and

24:11

the drain is clogged. It's just, it's

24:13

filling and it's filling and it's filling. The drain

24:15

being like, at least if I had friends and connections and

24:17

whatever, like there's some level of support

24:20

outside of just your, you know, your

24:22

little family. Right? I think

24:24

for me that it was

24:27

very emotionally overwhelming for

24:29

me. Um, even just navigating

24:31

like how to have another child in my life. She was wonderful.

24:34

Like she's, I think she was four. Like she was just like the little

24:36

girl, same as every, every, uh, child

24:39

having somebody in my life who had an ex wife, that,

24:42

that kind of dynamic having my daughter.

24:44

So I have to manage my own emotions, which

24:47

I'm an emotional person. So just managing

24:49

my own emotions is like a full time job. And

24:52

then managing my daughter's emotions. And

24:54

we already talked about, she had big

24:57

emotions and she will say it like it is. And she

24:59

will say it right. And

25:01

so that just kind of added to, to

25:03

the way the water's on the bathtub is filling.

25:06

At one point it's going to overflow. It's going to overflow

25:08

right now. I was, so she

25:10

kind of completed her first semester of

25:13

school and she also, I'm not going to lie, she

25:15

didn't like her school. She didn't like the kids. She didn't like

25:17

the teachers. And I mean, I kind of attributed

25:20

that to she just on a new place. She

25:23

was literally born and raised in Toronto,

25:25

been in the same school since

25:27

preschool, plus my job at Rekhae's

25:30

bookshelf, plus, plus, plus, you know, figuring

25:32

out how to like form like a close connection with

25:34

my husband. Um, cause obviously like we don't do

25:36

stuff before marriage, right? And

25:38

you don't really know somebody until you get married and you live

25:40

with them. Right. So you do all the dating

25:43

after. Exactly. So that was another thing to

25:45

manage. Right. I would say for

25:47

those three months, like September

25:50

to December, I, I didn't

25:53

know how I was feeling. I was

25:55

very confused. Like things seemed

25:57

to be going okay, but there was just certain.

25:59

things that just were not feeling right.

26:02

We're not landing well with

26:04

me. We're, again, I'm sitting

26:06

there attributing everything to this

26:08

is a big change. Right? And that's valid, right?

26:10

If you make those big changes, you are going to, you know, face

26:12

the roadblocks and stuff. We spent three

26:15

months there. And my thought

26:17

was that I was just going to stay there until, you

26:20

know, we filed for immigration for me and

26:22

all that stuff. But it's kind of a, it's a weird process

26:24

in the US. If you're married and you file

26:27

for your spouse, you can't leave the spouse cannot

26:29

leave the country until the paperwork comes

26:31

through. You're literally stuck there. You're stuck

26:33

there. My friend is in the same situation. Yeah. Yeah.

26:35

If you leave the country, you have to restart everything. Yeah.

26:38

It might not let you back in. It's just very complex. It's

26:40

very long. And so the idea then

26:43

of me not being able to unclog

26:46

that drain by at least visiting my family

26:48

or visiting friends or being able to come and go across

26:51

the border, that was also a very heavy thing. So

26:53

the three months mark,

26:56

I decided I'm going back to

26:58

Toronto with my daughter. I basically

27:01

told my husband that I think

27:04

we, we might've potentially

27:06

rushed into the moving in part because

27:09

there's just so many things to consider.

27:11

Because if I was on my own, I would

27:13

have been able to kind of navigate and

27:15

whatever. So plus the other thing

27:18

I should, I should say it wasn't

27:20

just that, right? But

27:22

the fact that it wasn't just that,

27:24

I kind of realized a little

27:26

bit later, there

27:28

was something making me feel really

27:30

uncomfortable, just like, and

27:32

it got to a point where it's unbearable. Right.

27:36

People always talk about how important

27:39

your gut is. I mean, look at all the

27:41

gut advertisement. Everyone is talking

27:43

about how to take care of your gut. I mean,

27:45

I'm currently taking gut supplements

27:46

because

27:47

a gut plays a crucial role in guiding

27:50

you in life.

27:51

Like, for example,

27:52

have you gone somewhere and just felt like you needed

27:54

to get out of there? Sometimes that

27:56

feeling could be your anxiety getting at you, but

27:59

sometimes.

28:00

Sometimes, especially when it comes to making

28:02

important decisions, it can be vital yet

28:04

extremely difficult to trust yourself and

28:07

that gut feeling.

28:08

To ask yourself the important questions like, what

28:11

if I'm just scared?

28:12

What if I'm mistaking this feeling? Is it just

28:14

all in my head? Is it me?

28:16

Am I overthinking things? I mean,

28:18

those things are real.

28:19

But Asma had to learn how to trust

28:20

her instincts and

28:23

face what was bugging her inside.

28:25

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28:27

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29:00

We think of abuse as something

29:02

that is physical. If

29:05

I'm not black and blue, I wasn't abused.

29:09

I know that that's not true, logically. But emotionally,

29:12

it just feels like I can't put myself

29:14

in the same camp as women

29:17

who've actually been abused because

29:19

it feels like I'm diminishing their experiences.

29:23

And then actually in preparation for this interview,

29:26

this podcast, I expressed

29:28

that to one of my friends and they told me,

29:30

but by you doing that, you're also diminishing your

29:32

own experience. Right. And

29:34

I thought that advice was really good because I was questioning.

29:37

I'm like, should I talk about

29:38

that? But all of the stuff, like I didn't realize

29:40

until I actually left.

29:42

I drove back to Toronto. I made

29:44

that trip multiple times, actually, from Toronto to Philly

29:47

and back and like multiple times. Interestingly

29:49

enough, he only came to Toronto for the wedding, never

29:52

came back. Anyway, that's a whole

29:54

other conversation. But when I got back to

29:56

Toronto, obviously, like I went

29:58

to my parents' house. Almost

30:01

immediately I got sick for

30:04

weeks, like actually weeks.

30:06

And a sickness like I just didn't understand it

30:09

because I'm like, why am I sick? Usually like

30:11

alhamdulillah when I get sick, I

30:13

recover in like two days, three

30:16

days. Like, you know, you go through the worst of it and

30:18

then you just come out of it. I was

30:20

not coming out of the sickness. I was like in bed.

30:23

I couldn't figure out. I'm like, why am I so sick? And

30:25

why for so long? Like I was annoyed. Okay.

30:29

And then I think after like two, two and a half, three

30:31

weeks, like I finally started feeling better.

30:33

Two days later, get COVID. Wow. Oh, you

30:35

were going through it. I was like, you were going through it. I was

30:38

going through it. And then

30:41

at that time I was like, I just didn't know what

30:43

was going on. Right? Only later would

30:45

I realize that when you're in a high stress

30:47

situation and your body finally has

30:49

a minute to rest, everything

30:51

comes crashing down. I think it's called like the let down

30:54

effect or the let down something. Right?

30:57

So it was through that sickness that I

30:59

realized, oh, something isn't right. Like

31:02

my body is telling

31:04

me something's not right, especially because that

31:06

is very abnormal for me to be sick for weeks on

31:08

end. Very, very abnormal. So

31:11

my body is telling me something. I didn't

31:13

want to listen to it. I didn't want to listen to it because

31:16

we were never taught how to listen to the signs that

31:18

are coming from our body. And we don't think

31:20

it's related. We think everything is separate. Yeah. Like

31:23

we separate quick categories. Like one of the things that

31:25

I learned from this experience is that your body and

31:28

soul and mind and heart

31:30

can't be

31:31

torn from each other. Something that's

31:33

going wrong in your, like in your emotional

31:35

state or whatever is going to show up on your body.

31:38

Period. Wow. I

31:40

think for me, I had a very particular

31:42

view of what love should feel like

31:45

and what it should mean and what a marriage

31:47

should feel like and what it should mean. Right? What

31:50

commitment means, what all of those things mean. And

31:52

I wasn't feeling those things and I was confused.

31:55

I was confused. Why am I not feeling this? This

31:57

doesn't feel right. Someone's telling me that he loves

31:59

me.

32:01

But I don't feel it. I don't feel it in practice.

32:04

And then like I, you know, it's funny. So

32:06

this whole thing actually took me to therapy, which

32:08

I just want to say, like, that was one of

32:13

the most, one of the best

32:15

things that came out of that weird confused

32:17

state that I actually got into therapy and

32:19

my Muslim therapist, she helped

32:21

me like really dig through why

32:23

I was feeling the way I was feeling really unpack

32:26

things that was so helpful to me because when

32:28

you're in that like weird confusion, mucky

32:30

confusion, like you just don't know how to get out of it. And

32:33

sometimes you need the help. And she also took

32:35

me back to childhood experiences. She also

32:37

took me back to everything that happened

32:39

with Amr and the grief around that and

32:42

kind of some of my negative experiences.

32:45

I don't want to say just in my family, but just with

32:47

males in general and feeling

32:50

very afraid of

32:52

getting into a relationship where I was going

32:54

to be controlled. Like

32:56

terrified, absolutely terrified

32:59

because like I know

33:01

firsthand that when

33:03

you're married, the effect that your husband

33:05

has on you is

33:06

it's,

33:07

I don't want to say extreme, but it is

33:09

like he has like a very

33:11

strong role in

33:13

your emotional state, your spiritual state, all

33:15

of the states, right? So whatever he does

33:17

is going to rub off on you. Whatever he believes,

33:20

whatever he says, it is going to affect

33:22

you and rub off on you because you're in a very vulnerable

33:25

position. Like as a wife, you open your heart

33:27

up to somebody, you welcome somebody

33:29

into your life and you let your

33:31

guard down. That's why like a relationship to your man,

33:33

woman and wife is so sacred because

33:36

you're open, because a lot describes it as

33:38

garments. Like what is more like,

33:40

what is more bare than

33:43

somebody being called your garment over your

33:45

like essentially not outside of your American naked

33:48

body. So it's 100%. You know what I'm saying?

33:51

And so it's, it speaks to a larger, you think.

33:53

And I feel like a lot of women have deep death,

33:56

which is why I find a lot of women are apprehensive

33:58

and really at. Like a really scared

34:01

it in defense mode when it comes to relationships

34:03

And that's why I'm really deep in what you're saying

34:05

about that. I was confused Mm-hmm

34:07

I feel like a lot of us like get into

34:10

relationships and then had that like I don't I

34:12

don't know if this is right But then we're also

34:14

told not to trust our guy We're also told

34:16

like, you know, like we're wired

34:18

to say to gas let ourselves and

34:20

say no, you're here already here I lost you any

34:22

like you better make do what you got 10 out

34:25

of 10 for every single thing that just came out of your mouth.

34:28

Honestly, we're taught to guess by ourselves

34:30

Yeah, we're taught to not listen to Like

34:33

the signs that our body even heart even

34:35

mind are giving you like we're taught

34:38

to make everything a logical No,

34:40

you know, we're taught as women the emotion

34:42

is bad and logic is good Yeah,

34:45

and so you have to think logically you

34:47

have to think logically and practically and there's nothing

34:49

else nothing else Nothing else is irrelevant the way

34:51

you feel your gut reaction and all that that's

34:53

irrelevant which is so destructive

34:55

for the soul Okay, and I understand

34:57

why women are apprehensive It's exactly

35:00

what you said like you open yourself up to somebody

35:02

you are now in a vulnerable state

35:05

and your your wellness is

35:09

Heavily affected by what your spouse does now

35:11

really right and that's scared You know,

35:14

I actually came on this podcast thinking I'm not gonna talk

35:16

about what that what the issues were and then I thought

35:18

to myself Well, why why am I not

35:20

gonna nobody knows this person? Yeah, right. No, why

35:23

am I not gonna talk about what the issues actually

35:25

were? Mm-hmm Like why as

35:27

women do we want to protect

35:29

the secrecy and the sacredness of our marriage

35:31

to the point? That

35:34

it's a huge detriment to us and

35:36

to other women around us. Mm-hmm You know if nobody

35:38

tells these stories How are we ever gonna

35:40

know like what to look for and what to them? I'll

35:42

give you I'll just give you a couple of examples. So

35:45

before we got married. I was very clear with him I'm

35:48

not paying for household stuff.

35:50

Mmm, right like my can

35:52

like when I conceptualize a marriage Mm-hmm

35:54

like a husband he's meant to provide

35:57

and protect, you know the provider print your mentality

36:00

much, right? So if you don't

36:02

provide for me and you

36:05

don't protect me, why are you even

36:07

there, right? You're just

36:10

adding more stress and more responsibilities

36:12

to, you know, on my shoulders

36:14

and not giving me anything in return, right? Not giving

36:17

me the kind of support that I actually need as

36:19

a woman, right? So it's very clear with

36:21

him before we got married, like I'm not gonna

36:23

pay for household stuff. Yeah. Like no

36:25

utilities, no, I don't know, rent,

36:27

like no portion of the rent, no, no groceries,

36:29

like this is your role, right?

36:32

We talked about it back and forth, but he's like,

36:35

okay, let me go back to my budget and look. You

36:38

guys can't see, but I'm rolling my eyes like all the way up into

36:41

my brain. Anyway, so then he came back to

36:43

me and he's like, you know what? Yeah, that's fine. I'm like, all

36:45

right, how else we talked about it? It's done. In

36:48

the marriage, that's not how it played

36:50

out. I was paying for, and

36:52

again, I'm such a reasonable

36:54

person. I'm an extremely reasonable

36:56

person. Again, we can talk about having another session with my

36:58

therapist as to why I'm like this, but like

37:02

I already had my car, I already had my phone.

37:04

I didn't ask him to pay any of the stuff

37:06

I already came with, which alhamdulillah, I came with all

37:08

the stuff that I needed. Like there's no, I

37:11

didn't need anything from him, right?

37:13

So even just like the

37:15

idea of arguing with him over

37:18

who's gonna pay for groceries is

37:20

like, it was such a place to be. And

37:23

so I didn't even want to get into it, right? And I expressed

37:25

it a little bit, but it's just, it's humiliating.

37:28

Like I'm your wife. Do you not care about

37:30

taking care of me? Like, and to me, these things

37:32

are bare minimum. Like he didn't have

37:34

to move from where he was living. He was already paying for

37:36

it. I'm not adding anything to that. He was

37:38

already buying groceries. How much are

37:40

you gross who's gonna go up per month with

37:42

like one, two other people, a woman and a child,

37:45

right? A hundred bucks a month, maybe

37:47

not even, right? But the interesting

37:49

thing about that is

37:51

that, you know, when I was in, when I came back to

37:53

Toronto and

37:53

we were having conversations about this, cause I'm like, there's

37:55

certain things that have to change in order for me to come back, right?

37:59

This is so, this

38:02

is making me like so enraged, but he

38:04

would say, no, we agreed to this before

38:06

we got married.

38:08

And then I was like, am I going crazy?

38:12

Did we agree to this before we got married? And

38:14

like my memory was like so jumbled

38:16

because I was in a really weird, emotionally

38:18

dysregulated place. And

38:20

I was like, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm the one being unreasonable.

38:24

So I was gaslighting myself. And

38:27

I realized after the fact that he

38:29

was majorly gaslighting me too, because

38:32

you know when I realized it, when my

38:34

brother called me up, the same brother who actually performed the niq'ah,

38:37

him and Ahmad

38:38

talked obviously

38:39

before we got married and whatever. And

38:41

Ahmad had told him, I'm going

38:43

to take care of Rokhaya and

38:45

Asma. Everything they

38:47

need is going to come out of my pocket. Everything

38:51

like, yeah, this is where the willy,

38:53

you know, like this is why, and I'm

38:56

just listening to them like, this is why they play

38:58

such a major role. They're a witness. They're

39:00

a witness. So because we go through like

39:03

emotional and we

39:05

go through them and our willy was supposed to say,

39:07

nah, that's not what we agreed. This is not what actually

39:10

occurred. And they defend you in that way

39:12

because they were there. And they spoke

39:14

to them and they said, this is, we

39:16

took care of them like this. You

39:19

know, Sabahana, like, and it was just,

39:21

I mean, it's sad that I had to wait for my brother

39:24

to call me or to have a conversation

39:26

with him and him to tell me, no, I remember

39:28

he said XYZ. And I thought,

39:30

oh, thank you. Like, thank you a lot.

39:33

Hamdallah, like, I'm not the one who's crazy because,

39:35

because I, you know, I'm the kind of person who

39:38

always turns the reflection

39:41

and the blame inward.

39:42

Like what, what did I do wrong?

39:45

So we had the money issue. And again, listen,

39:47

an extra 150, $200 out of my account every month is really not going to

39:51

make or break my finances. And

39:56

but I told him so many times, it's not about the

39:58

money. It's about the concept. It's the principle.

40:01

It's the principle that I need my

40:03

husband. I need to feel that my husband

40:05

is taken care of. So

40:07

in one conversation he asked me, because like

40:09

we were thinking about like, should we stay together

40:12

or should we separate? And he asked me,

40:14

he said, so you would rather move

40:17

to a place by yourself, pay

40:20

full rent, full utilities, full

40:22

groceries, than to pay like a

40:24

teeny tiny amount with me. I'm like, yes,

40:27

I would. Yes I would. It

40:29

is the principle. It is the principle. It's not

40:31

that I can't afford $100 a month. Like,

40:34

it's not that I can't afford that. If

40:36

I'm not feeling protected or safe, like what

40:39

kind of marriage is that? It just doesn't work. And

40:41

then the gaslighting is like a huge thing. He

40:43

got some lit me about so many different things,

40:45

right? So the other thing was like his

40:48

relationship with his ex and now that I

40:50

can't even tell you how reasonable I am

40:53

about everything. I don't have super

40:55

high standards about like living arrangements

40:57

as long as it's clean, safe, all of those things. Or

41:00

like, I don't need to buy like luxurious

41:03

food and like eat at fancy

41:05

restaurants. Like that's just not who I am. And so when

41:08

I say like what I was asking for was so

41:11

silly actually. And the fact that he couldn't

41:13

even do that, that was like a huge, that

41:15

was a huge red flag for me. So

41:18

man, we could stay here for like six hours. But anyway, the

41:21

other thing is like, we talked about his relationship

41:23

with his ex before we got married, right? And

41:26

I actually met her too before we got married. Because

41:28

I was just like, dude, I want to meet your ex. And

41:30

I sat down with her alone and whatever. She said

41:32

really good things about him actually, which was interesting. Because

41:35

I'm like, if anybody has something bad to say,

41:37

it would be her. Right. And

41:39

for she was just like, no, just like personality. Like

41:42

we just weren't matched personality wise essentially.

41:46

I was perfectly happy

41:48

with them texting, talking,

41:51

anything related to their daughter, like just like

41:55

open with it, right? Just fully trusting

41:57

and whatever. At one point, we even had.

42:00

her daughter's birthday party in our house.

42:03

And she was there and whatever, and I'm happy with that. And I

42:05

went out with her on my own, and she's a good

42:08

person, right? There's nothing, there's no

42:10

issue. But he was so insistent

42:13

on, every once in a while, I

42:15

have to go out with just her and

42:17

my daughter. Just because

42:19

I want my daughter to see that we still have a cordial

42:22

relationship and whatever. And I'm like, okay,

42:24

that's fine, but we can all go out together.

42:27

Because I'm not comfortable with you being alone

42:30

with somebody who's no longer

42:32

your wife, essentially. It feels

42:35

disrespectful to me, right?

42:37

I'm happy to do whatever you want, restaurant,

42:39

go to the park, go to an amusement

42:41

park. We'll all go together and we'll be perfectly fine, right?

42:44

And he was just like, guess what he said? We

42:46

talked about this before we got married. And

42:50

I was like, oh, oh, damn, did we? Did

42:52

we? Again, with the gaslighting. And then I remember

42:54

having a conversation with him. I'm like, listen, because

42:56

I didn't remember what we talked about, I

42:59

can tell you 100%, there's no way I agree to that.

43:02

If somebody had told me I'm gonna hang out with my ex on

43:04

my own every couple of weeks or whatever, I'd be like,

43:07

no, you're not, right? There's no way. And

43:10

I asked him, well, what if the tables were turned?

43:12

What if I had an ex and I'm like, well, I'm gonna hang out

43:14

with him and his child. There's

43:19

no way you would be okay with that. No

43:22

person would be okay with that. A Muslim who believes in

43:24

certain boundaries between men and women and all of those things.

43:27

So the gaslighting again comes

43:29

back, right? And then because

43:32

I believed, I'm like, I kind of

43:34

believed him. I'm like, oh, maybe we did

43:36

agree to this. And then, so

43:38

then the conversation turned to, well, you

43:41

know, it's okay for someone

43:43

to agree to something. And then if they don't

43:45

feel that it's right when it's actually in practice,

43:48

that they can have a conversation about it, right? And

43:50

he was just like, no, no, this is something we agree

43:52

to. And so my point is

43:54

like, he wouldn't even allow for

43:57

a conversation to happen. I

44:00

always think I'm like, I always go back to this, like

44:02

I'm so flippin' reasonable.

44:05

Like I never yell in conversations

44:08

or arguments, like I'm not a yeller, I'm not somebody

44:11

who swears, I'm not disrespectful at all.

44:13

The worst thing I'll do

44:14

is I'll start crying. Yeah. That's

44:16

like the worst thing I'll do. That's the first thing I do.

44:19

That's the first thing. I know.

44:21

And so it's not like I was coming at him with

44:23

blame or anything, it was just

44:25

like I'm open to having a conversation.

44:27

Like how do we accomplish what you need

44:30

to have accomplished, but in

44:32

a way that makes me feel safe and

44:35

respected, right? Like the communication

44:37

was very

44:37

clear, still, no movement.

44:40

No movement. And I also, I wanna jump

44:42

back to the budget thing.

44:43

Like he was such a budget conscious person

44:46

to the point where it led to like just really

44:48

weird situations when I was there. Like we

44:51

go to a place, just like a fun place indoors,

44:53

me, him and my daughter, and then he would say like, well,

44:56

I'm gonna sit out, I'm not gonna partake

44:59

in it with you because my entertainment budget

45:01

is done for the month. Oh. And

45:04

when I say budget, it was 20 bucks.

45:08

And I wanna say like

45:10

he was not poor. Yeah,

45:12

he had a job where he made over 100K. Wow,

45:15

a lot better. And the place he was living

45:17

in Philly was like not expensive. Like

45:20

you have money, it's not like somebody's

45:22

really struggling financially, which I would understand. If

45:25

you're struggling financially, we're not gonna do those

45:27

extra things. We're gonna be very, we are gonna

45:29

be very budget conscious, but the money

45:31

was there, right? And so

45:33

it just led to like, just some very

45:36

odd situations where I was like, I

45:39

don't understand, I don't understand like what's happening.

45:41

That all led to the confusion, right? And

45:44

there were a number of issues, a number of

45:47

examples, a number of like ways that

45:49

I was gas lit and all that stuff. And I don't wanna get into

45:51

all of them, but I wanna say

45:53

that

45:54

coming out of that in

45:56

the couple of months I was in Toronto, still trying to have these conversations

45:59

with him, like, am I gonna... come back, are we going to separate? My

46:03

emotional and spiritual states

46:06

were just not good.

46:07

We're not

46:10

good. Like I'm going to tell you, so

46:12

I have a lot of flaws and

46:14

I'm okay to acknowledge it. I have a lot of

46:17

flaws. But this is

46:19

another example, okay? Generally

46:22

speaking, I'm a generous person to

46:25

my friends and my family. And like, if I see

46:27

something in a store my daughter would like, I would just be like, yep,

46:29

let's get that. Oh, this is something that

46:31

my friend so-and-so would love. I'm going to pick it up

46:33

and I'm going to send it to her or whatever, like that's

46:36

just a part of who I am, right? Like

46:39

not overboard, right? But like, it's

46:41

just a part of my personality. And I love that. This

46:44

is like one of the things I hold onto so dearly. I

46:47

noticed when I was there, again, this was

46:49

just like a few weeks

46:51

into being there that

46:53

the way that I thought about the

46:55

money that I spent was starting to shift. And

46:59

the way that I found out is I was in a store, I

47:01

don't know, I was in Costco or something. I was in a store and

47:04

I saw a box of like his favorite chocolates and

47:06

I picked it up. I'm like, oh, you'd love this. And then I

47:08

looked at it, I'm like, and

47:11

I put it back. And

47:13

that to me was like one of the more, I know it

47:15

sounds so like

47:18

insignificant, but that to me was like

47:21

one of the examples of how

47:23

much I was being impacted.

47:25

It was a few weeks in. I'm not talking about

47:27

years in. I'm talking about a few

47:28

weeks, right? And to

47:30

me, for me to pick something

47:31

up and then put it back and how much was it, 15

47:34

bucks? Like it wasn't, it was again, not

47:36

something that's like a thousand dollars, nothing like that. Because

47:39

I thought, well, maybe I should be more

47:41

careful about my budget. Maybe, no, I

47:45

also thought like, well, he wouldn't do this for me. So

47:47

why should I do it for him? These

47:49

are things that I noticed going on in my mind and

47:52

I hated them. I

47:54

was like,

47:55

I cannot afford to

47:57

give up the qualities about myself that

47:59

are good. because I know how many flaws I

48:01

have. And if I'm giving up things that

48:03

are good about myself, this is going

48:06

to be, I'm going to spiral downhill, right? So

48:08

absolutely. And the other

48:10

example, we could stay here for 10 hours. So

48:13

the other example is like he was, he

48:16

didn't do well with such prayer.

48:20

And like he didn't even try to wake up, okay?

48:23

This is not something I knew before

48:24

we got married. Like, you know,

48:26

he was praying five times a day, which he

48:28

was. I'm not saying he wasn't praying five times a day, but

48:31

like he would literally never get up for Feshe.

48:33

In like those whole three months, maybe

48:36

once or twice, like I will come up. And

48:38

so he kind of like dragged himself out of bed. But

48:40

like, again,

48:42

the thing that I noticed is that I

48:45

would sleep through Feshe. It happened

48:47

a couple of times. And Feshe

48:49

is something that like, I don't know how

48:52

other people feel, but when I miss Feshe on a day, I

48:55

feel like the whole day is ruined. It's because it's

48:57

a domino effect.

49:00

It's a huge domino effect. It

49:02

impacts your E-man, right? It

49:04

impacts your E-man. That's why Feshe is like,

49:06

if you could beat Feshe,

49:07

everything is so easy after that. Listen,

49:11

all of us have missed Feshe at one point or another. We

49:13

sleep through our alarms, we're tired, whatever. So I'm not

49:16

saying like I'm 100% anything, but

49:19

it's important to me, right? And it's

49:21

something that I try very hard to stick

49:23

to, right? And then I

49:25

noticed that happening to me. I would start

49:27

missing Feshe,

49:29

like more and more.

49:30

Or even not like all the time, but it just

49:32

happened maybe four or five times.

49:35

And I was like, what

49:37

is going on? What is going on? And so

49:39

my big thing is that

49:42

my spiritual state was starting to be affected.

49:44

And

49:45

when I think about it, like on the day of judgment,

49:48

we're

49:48

going to meet Allah alone.

49:50

It's going to be our deeds, and we're going to

49:52

be taken into account for our deeds. I

49:54

can't have my husband standing next to me and

49:57

saying, well, it was his fault. He's the one that, you know, was the

49:59

one that was the one that was the one.

49:59

lazy with fesh and so

50:02

who cares if he was like it's on me like

50:04

I'm a fully grown adult mm-hmm and so when I

50:07

felt that my spiritual state

50:09

was declining and when I say declining

50:11

I mean declining quickly I was

50:13

very very alarmed you know so in addition to

50:15

like you know that like emotional piece of being ghastly

50:18

and and like not being heard as a

50:20

spouse you know coming to another spouse talking

50:22

about something that was upsetting them etc etc there was also

50:25

the piece about being just spiritually

50:28

incredible and that I think

50:30

was like the thing that kind of

50:32

tied the bow for me because I'm like I cannot

50:36

be in a relationship that

50:38

is undermining my relationship with Allah and

50:41

so you know when I was here and I was in therapy and

50:43

I was like you know trying to figure things out and having

50:45

conversations with him and it was just a very mucky weird

50:47

time I stopped trusting

50:50

myself to make decisions because I'm

50:52

like if I made this quote unquote

50:54

bad decision to marry him how

50:57

do I know any decisions moving forward are gonna be

50:59

good right so I really struggled with

51:01

trusting myself and so I asked

51:04

so many people for advice

51:05

and I sat with them and you know we had a conversation

51:08

I told them what was going on and they all

51:10

had the same advice they

51:13

all literally except one person which

51:15

we're not gonna talk about her okay they

51:19

also had the same advice like this is not somebody

51:21

who's long-term it's just not even

51:24

my brother eventually told me that too he's like I don't think

51:26

this is for you right there

51:29

was one person who told me you need to adjust

51:31

your expectations and I was so mad I was

51:33

like I'm literally telling you that I'm so unhappy

51:36

and that I'm really struggling emotionally

51:38

spiritually how can I adjust my expectations

51:41

spiritually

51:43

you should never adjust your spiritual

51:45

expectations you should adjust them

51:47

upwards not not now where is not absolutely

51:49

not and like you know and I

51:51

think from then on I'd let's just say I haven't taken advice

51:54

from this person um but I sat with

51:56

many different people I sat with very learned people

51:58

one of the one of the people I saw I love her so much.

52:05

She's like a kindred spirit.

52:08

She's a gem. She's

52:10

so knowledgeable. And

52:12

then she's also compassionate and empathetic

52:15

and all those things. And she had the same advice. She's

52:17

like, you know, this is not the way that you

52:19

deserve to be treated. You and your daughter,

52:21

who's an orphan, it

52:23

should be his honor to do

52:26

everything he can to take care of you guys. And

52:28

he's not appreciating you. He's treating you

52:30

pretty poorly. Mm-hmm.

52:33

Although she tried to work things out with her husband,

52:36

and you guys know, Asma

52:38

ain't no quitter. She even

52:40

began speaking to a therapist.

52:44

Although Asma knew things had escalated far

52:46

beyond the

52:46

breaking point, she still had

52:49

to make another vital

52:51

decision. But this time,

52:53

regarding

52:54

the future of her

52:56

marriage. And so after

52:59

all that advice, I'm like, you know what? I

53:01

think this is not for me. And I think

53:03

we should get divorced. And

53:06

I feel like he was on the same page because he was having

53:08

a quote unquote hard time

53:11

with me because I was, quote unquote, expecting

53:15

too much and being difficult

53:17

and all those things, which I promise you I wasn't.

53:20

Right. It's just when you have that perspective of a woman,

53:22

you're always going to think that. Right. So

53:25

we decided to get a divorce. And so I

53:28

remember, you know, it's funny, we divorced over

53:30

Zoom. Over

53:32

Zoom. Over Zoom because I was in Toronto and he

53:34

was in Philly. And so my

53:37

brother was there. Right. He's the one who who married

53:39

us. He was in the Zoom meeting and

53:42

he said some really nice things. And he's just like, you

53:44

know, you guys tried. And like

53:47

sometimes it just happens that things don't work out. And

53:49

then he said he said I divorced. He started crying

53:51

in the Zoom call because I'm not like all

53:54

of this is not to say that he was someone

53:56

without emotion or someone who was just like

53:59

a horrible, terrible. like abusive,

54:02

none of this is to say that, right? He

54:05

did have good qualities, he did have good

54:07

qualities and we did have some good times, but

54:09

just

54:10

the other side was overwhelming those things for

54:12

me, right? So

54:15

he said, he started

54:17

crying, but whatever. I wasn't crying, my

54:20

eyes have never been drier. Well, because women

54:22

grieve way before. I was grieving for those

54:24

months, right? How do you agree with

54:26

that process? You did the crying, bro. I

54:28

did the crying, I was flipping crying every

54:30

single day for five months,

54:33

every single day.

54:35

Because I'm

54:36

gonna tell you, like the grief of losing,

54:39

in my head, it made sense. When somebody

54:42

that you love dies, of course

54:44

you're gonna grieve them. They're taken away, but

54:47

it's not your fault. You know what I mean? And

54:50

then, but this one I'm like, is it my fault? You

54:52

know all of that like really weird internal, like

54:55

self-blame and all that. Could you have to hold somebody

54:57

accountable in order to understand? Exactly. And

54:59

so it's just easy to say it's you. It's easy to say,

55:02

yeah, it's me. I'm going to fall. Yeah, live

55:04

with it. And so this, like

55:06

I almost didn't want to get into another situation

55:08

where I was gonna grieve again, but

55:10

for a reason that almost didn't make sense. Because

55:13

I'm like, I'm trying my best. And

55:15

I have, you know, I'm doing all these things in good faith.

55:18

So why isn't it working? Like it's just, you know, that confusing place.

55:21

Yeah, so he said, I divorce you over

55:23

Zoom. I can't even tell you the relief

55:27

that I felt once that Zoom call was over.

55:29

The relief washed over me, like,

55:32

and it was actually beautiful. Alhamdulillah.

55:35

I'll tell you what happened afterwards, right? But I do

55:38

want to say that I'm

55:40

so fortunate to have been in a family

55:42

and in a group of friends

55:44

who attach absolutely no

55:47

taboo to divorce. And

55:49

I know that's a struggle for so many women.

55:52

And like, there was one point where I

55:54

wasn't, I didn't talk to my mom. I

55:56

didn't talk to my mom about what was going on, but

55:59

she's, she's my,

55:59

My mom, she sees me upset, she sees that

56:02

something is wrong, right? Once I was

56:04

in bed, I think it was like while I was sick, all

56:06

those weeks that I was sick, she came into my

56:08

room and she said, you know, we have an Egyptian saying,

56:11

when a woman gets on a bus and she realizes,

56:14

oh, this bus is going the wrong way, I got on the wrong bus, all

56:16

she has to do is get off. And

56:19

I sat there and I was like, oh my God.

56:21

Epic, epic. Oh my God. You

56:24

would think. Mind exploding. Mind like,

56:26

it was mind numbing. You never expected

56:28

it. I had never expected it from my mom.

56:31

Like that. Like, you know,

56:33

like their generation is like

56:35

a voice divorce at all costs. Oh my. It's

56:38

the worst thing you could ever do. Exactly. Exactly.

56:41

But, but like that, that

56:43

little tiny nugget of advice from her,

56:45

it almost gave me permission

56:48

to get off the bus to just get off the

56:50

bus. Right. But I mean, I still

56:52

struggled with it for months after, but just

56:54

that little thing from her and my mom is a wonderful

56:57

woman. Like she's religious, she's just

56:59

caring. She's

57:03

played such an important role in

57:05

Rukhaya's life growing up. She's a second mother to her,

57:08

right? And so if she says

57:10

that, like, dang, there's

57:12

something to it. Right. She

57:14

sees how unhappy her daughter is. She's

57:17

not going to let her remain in that situation. So

57:19

I was very fortunate for that. So

57:22

when you got divorced, relief like washed

57:24

over me and I was like, oh my

57:26

God, I'm free I don't

57:29

have to worry about this anymore. I'm

57:31

good.

57:32

On the other hand,

57:33

he suffered greatly.

57:36

He suffered. No. Yeah.

57:39

He was like, he questioned himself a lot after he was

57:41

just like, they really saved men. Yeah.

57:44

He regretted it. We didn't. Okay.

57:47

So I was in my head though, right? So it's usually boiled down to like three

57:49

months. But after the first month, I

57:52

hadn't talked to him. Like we're done. He,

57:54

we talked after a month. And

57:57

he was like, I could see that he was unhappy. And

58:00

he's like, he actually asked me like, do you want to try again?

58:03

He said to me, you know what, I realized that the stuff you're

58:05

asking for was actually reasonable. It

58:08

was reasonable. So he I think he was just so

58:11

lonely and so like unhappy

58:13

that he actually asked me, he's like, do you want to

58:15

try again? And then I was like, OK,

58:17

let me ask you something, Ahmed.

58:19

Are you asking me that because you

58:21

actually want to change

58:24

and you actually are going to take into consideration

58:26

all the things that I talked to you about? Or are you asking

58:29

me that because you're lonely? And his answer was,

58:31

I don't know. And

58:33

I was like, peace out, bro. Like, are

58:35

you kidding me? Like, don't don't ask me to come back

58:37

if you're not willing to make significant

58:40

changes. And then, OK, so before we

58:42

move to anywhere else, like I

58:44

also want to acknowledge that we said

58:46

it a little bit before. Women are different. Some

58:49

things that are troubling for me will not be troubling

58:51

to another woman and vice versa. And

58:53

I have to acknowledge that because I'm not coming on to this podcast

58:56

saying that like every woman should just

58:58

like have this like should do exactly

59:00

what I did. No, you shouldn't. You should do

59:03

what is right for you and your relationship

59:05

with Allah. Absolutely. Right. So I'm not

59:07

I'm in no way advocating for

59:10

people to be like, well, you didn't pay. I had

59:12

to pay 50 bucks a mile. You know what

59:14

I mean? Not not at all. Because

59:15

like as a woman, my sensitivities

59:18

are different. My sensibilities, my

59:20

disposition, what I believe about love,

59:22

what I believe about masculinity. It's all

59:25

informed by religion,

59:27

but also culture, the way I was raised. So someone

59:29

else might marry him and be like over the moon. Yeah.

59:32

And that's OK. Yeah, that's OK. But

59:34

for me, it just it wasn't it. In Ramadan

59:37

in 2022, I was still married,

59:39

but like just on the cusp. I was

59:42

like really seriously considering leaving

59:44

that relationship. At that time,

59:46

I took the visionary course. Yeah.

59:48

I'm the truth. I love your humble. You know, I love

59:50

mercy on him. And

59:52

in that course, it's all about right. Like how

59:55

to up your door and really think about

59:57

what you want in life and attach to that. Right.

1:00:00

And it's a course that I've taken multiple times, like I love

1:00:02

it. And so in the course,

1:00:04

he basically makes you do

1:00:07

visioning exercises where you have to imagine like

1:00:09

what is your ideal everything. He has

1:00:12

it in categories. Your ideal family

1:00:14

life, your ideal spouse, your ideal

1:00:17

home, like all of the things. So deep.

1:00:20

Yeah, and then strive for it and make

1:00:22

your aim and your goal high and then use

1:00:25

your dua as a vehicle to like get

1:00:28

to that place. And he always used to

1:00:30

instill so much

1:00:31

deep, deep hope in

1:00:33

Allah's

1:00:34

paratha that he will give you everything. Right?

1:00:37

Conviction. Conviction. Like born

1:00:39

like

1:00:39

Dowlulu. Like delusional conviction. Even though we don't

1:00:41

believe in delusions.

1:00:42

No, no, it's truthful. Yeah, it's

1:00:44

not. But you know, it's funny. I just said this to somebody

1:00:46

the other day, like

1:00:49

faith can look delusional to people who

1:00:52

don't understand it. Right? So

1:00:54

in that in that course, he

1:00:56

made us close our eyes. It was an online

1:00:59

course, right? So I was sitting in this live session

1:01:01

with him. He made us close our eyes and imagine all

1:01:03

these things. And he said, imagine what? Imagine

1:01:06

your spouse,

1:01:07

right? Imagine like a scene of you guys

1:01:09

like doing an activity, blah, blah, blah, like what

1:01:11

are his qualities? What does he look like?

1:01:14

And I will tell you when my eyes were closed,

1:01:16

I did not see Ahmed.

1:01:18

I did not see him. I saw someone very different

1:01:20

than him. You know?

1:01:22

And in that moment, I'm like, whoa, I should

1:01:24

not be thinking like this or feeling like this

1:01:26

if I'm in a good marriage.

1:01:27

Wow. Like there's absolutely no way. And

1:01:30

you know, it's funny, I started making

1:01:32

do out for a different husband while I was still married. Okay.

1:01:34

You guys,

1:01:36

she threw her headphones off. She

1:01:39

threw her headphones

1:01:41

off. She

1:01:44

threw her headphones off. Wait a minute. Wait

1:01:46

a minute. Wait a minute. Let me

1:01:48

tell you, you know why? This is the kind of energy we need to be giving. It's not

1:01:51

for long to be late. It's better to be upset all over the world. But listen, it's

1:01:53

because you still had hope in the middle of the scene.

1:01:59

And can I tell you something?

1:02:02

I agree.

1:02:03

I agree. I agree 110%. Because

1:02:06

as you were talking about this, and we're

1:02:08

in the studio right now, closing our eyes, and

1:02:10

I'm imagining,

1:02:11

you know, my, you

1:02:13

know, future husband. First of all, I think I

1:02:15

just saw a face. Very scary. Interesting.

1:02:18

Who was it? I'm kidding. No,

1:02:20

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I can tell you the

1:02:22

trace of the person I imagined, if that's interesting to you. Please tell me,

1:02:24

please tell me. No, no, no, you tell me first. Okay. When

1:02:27

I closed my eyes and I thought about like the person and what activity we were doing, I

1:02:29

imagined a beach

1:02:31

and I imagined just sitting and

1:02:33

it was empty. It was kind of like this, like

1:02:35

this, like it looked like a set from like

1:02:38

a movie, but there's a sunset and

1:02:40

there being, oh

1:02:41

my God, I'll be bare of my soul. I hear it. But

1:02:44

anyways, I feel like it says something about you, what you're, what you're

1:02:46

interested in. But the

1:02:48

person I'm imagining is

1:02:49

curious.

1:02:50

He's curious about what I'm sharing.

1:02:52

So there's attentiveness like this, like, like

1:02:55

it's not like you're just listening,

1:02:56

but actually being listened to. I

1:02:58

love that. Like somebody actually cares to know what

1:03:01

you think about things. I think, I don't know. I think it's

1:03:03

important to me to feel like somebody actually cares about

1:03:05

what I'm thinking or want to say. And

1:03:08

they have more of a loving eyes to it. Or

1:03:10

anyway, anyway, I guess I think for me, a value

1:03:12

is like somebody enjoying my company.

1:03:15

That's the first thing I thought of.

1:03:16

I knew there was no kids. So there was

1:03:18

just me and a Pina Colada

1:03:20

and a Pina Colada fan. A version one. Okay.

1:03:25

Okay.

1:03:25

My

1:03:27

imagination took me to a much more shallow place. I'm

1:03:30

not gonna

1:03:30

lie.

1:03:31

Okay. Maybe this is telling

1:03:34

a little bit too

1:03:34

much, but like, I

1:03:36

do not know where this came from. I promise you.

1:03:39

I imagine the guy was like a beard

1:03:41

and long hair. Long,

1:03:43

like passing years? Yeah. Like

1:03:46

man bun. Okay. Oh, we've given the process

1:03:48

of. Okay. Long hair beard. I

1:03:51

was somebody who's like tall, bigger,

1:03:53

bigger, also like very kind and all the

1:03:55

stuff. But the physical stuff surprised me actually.

1:03:58

Cause like, I've never thought of a man with long hair. Like who

1:04:00

cares about those things? Yeah, yeah,

1:04:02

yeah.

1:04:02

But I'm not gonna judge myself. No, you're not gonna do this. I

1:04:05

close my eyes and that's what I saw. And we're accepting ourselves, right? We're

1:04:07

accepting ourselves. We're accepting ourselves. Radical acceptance,

1:04:09

right?

1:04:10

Exactly. I just thought that was so funny. But

1:04:12

obviously at the moment it wasn't funny. I was

1:04:14

like, whoa. So that Ramadan you

1:04:16

made your art for a mad bun and beer, eh?

1:04:19

So, okay. Those

1:04:21

words were not in my draw.

1:04:23

But they were what I was imagining

1:04:26

when making the draw, essentially. I think

1:04:28

my thought was, you know, I

1:04:30

want to be with someone who loves you

1:04:32

and you love him. Oh my God.

1:04:35

Because to me, if Allah loves you and you love him, you

1:04:37

are gonna be a principled person. You are gonna be someone

1:04:39

who protects your family

1:04:42

and provides. And like you are gonna have those qualities,

1:04:44

right? Yeah, yeah. So, but in my mind I knew what I was

1:04:46

picturing. Yeah. That's all I'm gonna say.

1:04:49

And you know vision is important. Yeah. Vision

1:04:51

is important. Especially if you know about the visionary program, how important

1:04:54

that vision is, hallelujah. And if

1:04:56

you can see it, you have to believe it. So

1:04:58

in order to believe it, you need to be able to see it. So

1:05:00

anybody who is like right now thinking about like they are

1:05:03

about to like, you know, decide to leave a

1:05:05

relationship or work on a relationship, do

1:05:07

I? Do I consult

1:05:10

with Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and really just take

1:05:12

care of your well-being. And I really like

1:05:14

what you talked about, you know, having a Muslim therapist. I think that's really important

1:05:16

as well. For us to kind of clear the confusion.

1:05:19

Sometimes we can't do that for ourselves. Sometimes

1:05:21

we need someone else to kind of help us unpack it and

1:05:23

put the puzzle. That's also a great question in order to lead

1:05:25

us to what we need to.

1:05:27

You know, we do have the

1:05:28

answers inside of us. It's just sometimes

1:05:31

it could be a bit confusing. Yeah, 100%. I'm

1:05:33

with you. And there's absolutely no stigma or shame attached

1:05:36

to receiving consultation from people

1:05:39

that you trust and also, you know, being

1:05:41

in therapy and unpacking those things just as you were

1:05:43

saying. You know, like one of the things

1:05:45

that is interesting of what you picked

1:05:47

up, you said so you still had help, even in

1:05:50

the midst of everything. And I'm like, you know what? Yeah.

1:05:53

And then back to the title of our first episode

1:05:55

of season one, there's always hope for love. I

1:05:57

still have hope. Fuck.

1:05:59

And people like

1:06:02

I

1:06:03

because my hope is not attached

1:06:05

to people he's attached to Allah Subhana

1:06:07

Jai, but not only that like I For

1:06:11

a minute not for a minute for a period

1:06:13

of time. I did regret. I'm like, well, why did

1:06:15

I marry this person? Like it

1:06:17

probably has caused trauma to my daughter Like

1:06:19

I was so regretful for a period of time

1:06:22

and then it actually dawned on me when I was going

1:06:24

through therapy even after The marriage ended

1:06:26

and you know just experiencing other things

1:06:28

and and seeing how much I

1:06:31

grew as a person Emotionally

1:06:33

like how much more I I understand

1:06:36

myself what I need what I want I

1:06:38

understand what I want out of a relationship Understand

1:06:41

what my view of masculinity is worse before

1:06:43

I might not have and I've gained a

1:06:45

lot of self-compassion I'm

1:06:48

still working on it. But in the past I got beat

1:06:50

myself up anything that went wrong It was

1:06:52

always on me and I'm at a point now

1:06:54

where I'm like, it's okay for things to just go wrong

1:06:57

sometimes and it's just a part of Existing

1:06:59

on this earth and I don't regret what happened because

1:07:02

I would have never been in the state if all of that didn't

1:07:04

happen and so now this thing

1:07:06

runs, you know in the background of my head all the

1:07:08

time that Everything that Allah

1:07:10

brings to us whether it's good

1:07:12

whether it's painful whether it brings joy

1:07:15

success or you lose money Or you gain money

1:07:18

It's actually always good Because

1:07:20

if you learn from it and you grow from it as a believer

1:07:22

and as a person that thing that happened was good

1:07:25

I would have never come to

1:07:27

the realizations that I have now or the

1:07:29

understandings if I didn't go through that I would be stuck

1:07:31

in the same in the same place

1:07:34

And so I look at it as like wow a lot took

1:07:36

me there I was trying to talk to me there because

1:07:38

he knew I needed something and I

1:07:41

got that thing that I needed And so I'm you

1:07:43

know I'm not gonna go into crawl

1:07:45

into a little hole or into a little space where

1:07:47

I think well all men are trash and all Man,

1:07:50

like I don't have hope I'm never gonna get

1:07:52

married again Oh, I haven't gone to

1:07:54

that place because everything that happens

1:07:56

is where I lost permission and to bring

1:07:58

us closer to him So of course there's

1:08:01

always hope. And there's like a deep conviction

1:08:03

that there's a well-known hadith about

1:08:05

how if all humankind and

1:08:08

all of jinn from the beginning of time to the end of time

1:08:10

all stood on one plane and asked Allah

1:08:12

for every single thing they

1:08:15

could possibly want and think of, He

1:08:17

would be able to give it to them and it wouldn't

1:08:19

decrease from His kingdom even a drop. When

1:08:21

you hear stuff like this, like who are you

1:08:23

to give to give up hope? Like

1:08:26

Allah's telling you over and over and over and over

1:08:29

like so many times that you know

1:08:31

call on me and I'm going to respond to you and

1:08:33

that He gives He gives so generously

1:08:35

and He is the generous one, right?

1:08:38

And so where

1:08:40

in all of that, like how there's no

1:08:43

space to give up hope, there's just no

1:08:45

space. I'm not saying I never struggle. Everyone

1:08:48

struggles. But like the overarching

1:08:51

feeling is just hopeful,

1:08:53

right? If I marry someone, that person is going to be good

1:08:55

for me. And if that's delayed

1:08:58

by five years, by 10 years, that

1:09:00

delay is going to be good for me.

1:09:01

Even if I never meet somebody

1:09:03

in this world,

1:09:04

that's going to be good for me because Allah decides

1:09:07

what's good for me, not me. So there's

1:09:09

hope in every single outcome

1:09:12

you can find hope in.

1:09:15

SubhanAllah. And there's

1:09:18

a

1:09:19

beautiful saying of the believers

1:09:22

affairs is always

1:09:25

good.

1:09:26

A believers affairs is always good.

1:09:28

But I love how you said that so powerfully. There's

1:09:31

always hope for love.

1:09:32

I

1:09:35

love you. I'm going

1:09:35

to give you a hug.

1:09:38

I love you. Yeah,

1:09:41

yeah. She's coming around. She's coming around

1:09:43

to give me a hug. I love you. I

1:09:47

also want to normalize like going through periods

1:09:49

of struggle to where you struggle even without belief.

1:09:52

Right? And that's okay as long as you keep

1:09:54

pulling yourself back. Absolutely. Keep reflecting,

1:09:56

keep reaching out to Allah, keep pulling yourself back because there's no human

1:09:58

without flaws. There's no human

1:10:00

without like just

1:10:03

little bits of things that bother them and make them angry

1:10:05

and make them question and all those things. You just

1:10:07

keep pulling yourself back. I love

1:10:09

you for the sake of Allah. May the one

1:10:11

for whom you love me love you.

1:10:15

Asma's story could be something that

1:10:17

shows you how strong love is.

1:10:20

Specifically when it comes to

1:10:21

Amr's love for Asma.

1:10:23

Not only did it last through this new

1:10:26

marriage and divorce. But

1:10:28

it showed Asma what she was worthy of

1:10:30

having.

1:10:32

You got to believe that Asma's very first love didn't

1:10:34

fade away.

1:10:36

Might have even saved her. I

1:10:38

mean he set the standard for what love

1:10:41

is and what love should be. I

1:10:44

mean how else could she have found the strength to get through all of this?

1:10:48

And to make those decisions that changed her life

1:10:50

so drastically. They

1:10:53

say that grief is love with nowhere to go. What

1:10:56

a blessing to have known. A love so strong.

1:11:00

But where did it go?

1:11:02

What we learned from Asma's story is where the love went.

1:11:07

What you attach your hope to has to be constant,

1:11:10

persistent and everlasting. So

1:11:13

what else can that be other than Allah?

1:11:16

Back to where Amr now resides. I'm

1:11:18

back

1:11:18

to the place that one day we will all

1:11:20

return.

1:11:22

That's where her love actually went.

1:11:25

And where her hope can never be lost.

1:11:29

Again before I let you guys go. I

1:11:31

have to give my credits where credit is due

1:11:34

for this phenomenal episode. I'd

1:11:36

love to give a shout out to

1:11:37

our episode producer,

1:11:39

Khway Bizaid. You know I've been

1:11:41

calling Khway Bizaid and it's been wrong y'all. It's

1:11:43

Khway Bizaid. Now you know okay?

1:11:46

Now you know. It's not Bizaid in Bizaid. Sorry

1:11:48

about the Khway. But Khway Bizaid congratulations

1:11:51

on producing this episode. Like

1:11:53

I said you're only smashing hits out here man. Wajala

1:11:55

to Marikal. I'd love

1:11:57

to give another shout out to our lead producer

1:11:59

again. Hanan Adam is two for two,

1:12:01

baby. He's just out here doing a thing Hello,

1:12:04

Mcduers out to our guest editors Okay,

1:12:08

our guest editors can got more than what

1:12:10

we got to we got the old-time Lumi's

1:12:13

a chowder II and we also got Naomi Rista

1:12:16

Jazak al-qaeda for all the beautiful things that you added

1:12:18

to this episode you guys really did your thing What's

1:12:20

all up? I also have to get shelter graphic designer

1:12:22

with him a father our project manager in

1:12:24

my heat car girl And

1:12:26

our sound designer Yousaf Dama Zoo you

1:12:29

did your thing Phenomenal

1:12:29

as always and our marketing

1:12:32

store near so soon of the light.

1:12:34

So yeah, there you go guys Thank

1:12:37

you for this episode. I will see you

1:12:39

guys as always Next

1:12:41

week

1:12:41

in your ears in your speakers

1:12:44

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1:12:46

If you enjoyed today's episode know

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that tons of hours blood

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