0:09

Good mining. Garza

0:11

is how are you doing

0:13

today? I hope you're having

0:16

a wonderful day So far

0:18

welcome to the Doctor.shell I'm

0:20

your host Doctor Michelle Daf

0:22

and I'm so happy that

0:24

you're here today! Joining me

0:26

for another podcast as we

0:28

talk about how to be

0:30

a beautiful feminine wife. Were

0:33

continuing in our book Fascinating

0:35

Woman heard by Helen, I'm

0:37

Dylan and today we are

0:39

talking about how to let.

0:41

Your husband lead, the man has

0:44

to function as the leader of

0:46

the household and in the last

0:48

chapter we talked about these things

0:50

and we're gonna go into great

0:53

detail about how a man does

0:55

lead and how you as his

0:57

wife allows him to lead and

0:59

love where you're not competing with

1:02

him, you're not fighting him, You're

1:04

able to be agreeable, elicit the

1:06

very difficult thing, especially in the

1:08

modern world for us women to

1:11

learn. How To let a man lead.

1:13

Especially if you came from a household

1:15

where you didn't get to witness your

1:17

father being a leader, getting it to

1:19

see how your mother submitted to his

1:21

leadership. Maybe you're with a man who

1:23

doesn't naturally take on those leadership qualities,

1:25

but you desire that. Or you have

1:27

a man who's constantly irritated that you're

1:29

fighting him and you don't know how

1:31

to stop. You don't know how to

1:33

trust, you don't know how to follow,

1:35

and you don't know what to do

1:37

when he's not doing what he should

1:39

do and it's affecting the marriage. So

1:42

that all very important Because if God

1:44

is telling you that this man is

1:46

created to lead and you're struggling with

1:48

that, how are you gonna feel that

1:51

you are actually in the will of

1:53

God and doing what you should be

1:55

doing? Your marriage I can cost so

1:58

much stress and strain to human. mentally,

2:00

and it can also cause the family to

2:02

crumble. So we are going to

2:04

talk about that today and we're actually going

2:06

to break this up into two segments because

2:08

this chapter is so long. I

2:10

really don't want to overwhelm you with information. I

2:13

want to make sure that you're able to digest

2:15

everything we're talking about. So we're going to

2:18

take it really slow so that I can

2:20

go through each thing. So with

2:22

that being said, I want you to go

2:24

ahead and sit back, relax, get something to

2:27

write with, and let's

2:30

talk about this. In

2:37

a family, the father is a

2:39

head, a president, or

2:41

the spokesman of the family.

2:44

He was appointed by God to

2:47

this position, as clearly stated

2:49

in the holy scriptures. The

2:51

first commandment given to mankind was

2:53

given to the woman. Thy

2:56

desire shall be unto thy husband,

2:59

and he shall rule over thee.

3:01

Evidently, our creator felt it's so

3:03

vitally important that the woman understand

3:05

this that he directed

3:07

the instruction to her. Now,

3:10

I don't really know if this was the first commandment that was

3:12

ever given to man because I would have thought

3:14

that the first commandment would have been not

3:16

to eat from the tree of the

3:19

knowledge of good and evil. However,

3:21

this is what she states in this book,

3:23

and we're just going to go with what's

3:25

written in the book since I'm reading out

3:27

of it, but don't necessarily know if that

3:30

was the very, very first command from God.

3:32

Anyway, the apostle Paul compared the man's leadership

3:34

of his wife to Christ's

3:36

leadership of the church, for

3:38

the husband is the head of the wife,

3:40

even as Christ is the head of the

3:42

church. Therefore, as

3:45

the church is subject unto Christ, so

3:47

let wives be to their own

3:50

husbands, and everything, because as we

3:52

know the church, which is the

3:54

people of God, they

3:56

are the body of Christ, and

3:59

Christ is the body of God. the head. The

4:01

head is the one that tells the

4:03

body what to do, right? The head

4:05

is the one in leadership of the

4:07

body. And so Christ is our head

4:09

when we're part of the church. And

4:11

in the same way, the husband is

4:13

the head of the household. And so

4:15

the wife is subject

4:18

to her husband's leadership. The Apostle

4:20

Peter also says that wives are

4:22

to be in subjection to their

4:24

own husband. So there is a

4:27

logical reason why the

4:29

man should lead any

4:32

organization to have a

4:34

smooth running system must have

4:36

a leader. This is just outside

4:38

of the Bible. This is outside

4:40

of what we talk about with

4:43

marriage. This is just logical sense

4:45

that any organization that's going

4:47

to function smoothly must

4:50

have a leader. We're talking a

4:52

president, a captain, a supervisor, a

4:55

director or a chief. This is

4:57

a matter of law and order.

5:02

The family, a small group

5:04

of people must be organized in order

5:06

to avoid chaos. And it doesn't matter

5:09

how large or small this family is,

5:11

could just be you and your husband,

5:13

you are still a family, there must

5:15

be a leader in order

5:17

to maintain order. So then you may ask

5:19

yourself, but why should the man lead? Why

5:21

is a man the leader automatically? Why not

5:23

the woman? So using logic

5:26

again, a man is by

5:28

nature and temperament, a

5:30

born leader who tends

5:32

to be decisive and have the courage of

5:35

his conviction. Whereas a woman on the other

5:37

hand tends to vacillate. And then she talks

5:39

about the man being the leader because he's

5:41

the one who earns the income, which of

5:44

course nowadays it's not always the case. And

5:46

you know, a lot of times it's

5:48

both partners who earn a living.

5:50

So that's a little bit

5:52

skewed now, but it wasn't always this way,

5:55

right? The man still has that responsibility of

5:57

being the one who earns income. And this

5:59

is how it's been for such a

6:01

long time. But her rationale is that if

6:03

he's working diligently to provide a living, then

6:05

he has a right to decide how the

6:08

household is run. And so this is very

6:10

tricky because say you're the wife and you're

6:12

the one that's actually the breadwinner and you're

6:14

earning all the income. Does that mean that

6:17

you are the one who makes all the decisions?

6:19

No. We still have to go back to the

6:22

Bible. We still have to go back to

6:24

the Bible because this is how God created

6:26

the system to work. If you

6:28

got a computer and the computer was

6:30

built by the computer programmer and everything

6:32

was installed and everything was set to

6:34

run a certain way, you can't just

6:36

say I'm going to choose to do

6:38

this and I expect it to work.

6:40

Because the person who made it is

6:42

the one who tells you how to

6:44

use it. The one who tells you

6:47

what button does what. The one who

6:49

tells you how it's going to function

6:51

and what its limitations are and what

6:53

happens if you drop water on

6:55

it, what happens if you drop it on

6:57

the cement. They're the ones that are going

6:59

to tell you what this thing can and

7:01

can't handle and that is the same thing

7:03

with us with God. God is the one

7:05

who created the family, created us as people.

7:08

We don't get to just decide how we

7:10

want to run things because if we do

7:12

it in a way that completely goes against

7:14

the way that we were designed, then

7:16

we will run into problems. We

7:18

will malfunction. We will destroy ourselves.

7:21

It is bigger than

7:23

just the world changing and humans

7:25

getting more intelligent and

7:28

more sophisticated. It's a bigger conversation

7:30

than just how we feel. It

7:33

is by design and it's done that

7:35

way with wisdom, the wisdom of God.

7:37

It's not something we can just change

7:39

because we feel like it. So these

7:41

things, even though she's saying certain things

7:43

in the book, these are definitely reasons

7:45

that we can say, okay, this makes

7:47

sense, sure, but at the end of

7:49

the day, even if it didn't make

7:52

sense, this is what God asked us

7:54

to do. This was His design and

7:56

that is enough all on its own.

7:58

So I just want to make that. clear

8:00

because there can be debates about some

8:02

of these things that really are logical

8:04

answers like yeah that actually makes sense

8:07

but that's not what this is about. So then she goes

8:09

on to say that the society

8:11

has kind of moved away from

8:13

patriarchy and patriarchy has

8:15

been replaced with equality and husbands and

8:18

wives can make decisions now based on

8:20

mutual agreement and she says although this

8:22

may sound good on the surface it

8:25

is impractical and unworkable because

8:28

some decisions cannot be reached by mutual

8:30

agreement. A man and a wife may

8:32

never agree on some issues. When a

8:34

decision must be made someone must take

8:36

the lead and mutual agreements may take

8:39

time hours of deliberation and there isn't

8:41

always time. Some decisions on

8:43

daily living must be made quickly. For

8:45

example she says should Jane take her

8:47

umbrella and walk to school in the

8:49

rain or should her father take her?

8:51

When the father makes a decision matters

8:54

are settled at once and whether Jane gets

8:56

her feet wet or not is

8:58

not as important as order in

9:00

the household but keeping the man

9:03

at the head of the family

9:05

isn't mainly a question of logic.

9:07

It is a matter of following

9:09

God's instruction which like all other

9:12

commands is for a wise purpose.

9:14

Nowadays when you consume content on

9:16

Instagram, on YouTube, on marriage, I've

9:19

even had some of these conversations

9:21

on my podcast with people regarding

9:23

marriage and there are things that

9:25

get really twisted and skewed

9:28

and it sounds good for us

9:30

to listen to but it's not

9:32

the word of God and a

9:34

lot of Christian women have come

9:36

to this place where they rationalize

9:38

this idea of even

9:41

though the man is leading even

9:43

though they're submitting there's still this

9:45

sort of like equality in decision

9:47

making and I know

9:49

it doesn't feel good to hear this. I

9:51

know it doesn't feel good to be told

9:53

that your husband has a final say but

9:56

a lot of Christian women will not say

9:58

that if they're interviewed or if they're interviewed. they're

10:00

on television, they're not saying it

10:02

like that. They're making it seem

10:04

like there is this,

10:07

yes, we have a conversation about it and

10:10

if we don't agree on it then we

10:12

come to a mutual decision or we compromise

10:14

and that is not the same. That is

10:16

not the same as the

10:18

man being the leader and you submitting.

10:20

And the issue is that a lot

10:22

of women just really struggle with the

10:25

idea of fully submitting and they have

10:27

to massage it enough

10:29

to feel like they are having

10:31

their needs met too. I

10:34

just want to tell you right now consuming

10:36

that content will have you very confused and

10:38

out of line, out of order with God.

10:41

It is not people that you listen to, it

10:43

is a Word of God that you listen to.

10:45

Your favorite influencer who's

10:47

so eloquently spoken, who says things and

10:50

it just it just

10:52

makes so much sense. Yes girl,

10:54

they're wrong, they're wrong. I

10:56

don't care how well they speak, they're

10:58

wrong. It is up to you to know

11:00

the truth and to stand on the

11:02

truth and the truth is in the Word of God and

11:04

anything that goes against that is wrong

11:07

and I need you to know that ladies.

11:09

I need you to be careful because there's

11:11

just a lot out there right now and

11:13

a lot of people have a voice in

11:15

the platform and just because what they're saying

11:17

sounds smooth doesn't mean it's right. So

11:19

we have to know the truth and that

11:22

has to be what we stand on even

11:24

if we ourselves wish it wasn't that way

11:27

and the man is a leader the

11:29

man is a final authority and not

11:31

every single conversation is going

11:33

to be a conversation. Some things will

11:35

just be a directive and this is

11:37

what we're gonna do as a family.

11:40

Yeah I know it's hard to hear but that's the

11:42

truth. So

11:54

let's talk about some of the rights of

11:56

the leader. What are the rights that this

11:58

man has? has the

12:00

right to determine the family rules. When

12:03

a family is organized, there

12:05

are going to be rules that are in

12:07

the household for living and it is up

12:09

to the husband to be able to determine

12:11

how we're going to allocate finances for food,

12:14

for the cars, for vacations. He's

12:16

the one that decides, you know, how we're

12:18

going to run the family, who does what

12:21

chores. He's going to maybe call family meetings

12:23

if he wants conversations or make

12:25

schedules. Now he may allocate some

12:27

of those responsibilities to you and

12:30

say, honey, you figure out how

12:32

we're going to do this. You figure out how

12:34

we're going to do that. But that's still him

12:36

leading. Him asking you to take over this thing

12:39

in the family or with finances

12:41

or with maintenance or with the

12:43

children is still him allocating that

12:45

leadership role to you. He's still

12:47

making that decision. That's what managers

12:49

do. That's what presidents do. Like

12:52

that's what people and organizations do.

12:54

There's a hierarchy and they're the ones

12:56

that kind of give those directives. But

12:59

still, he has the final say, a

13:01

family is not a democracy where

13:04

everyone casts their vote in. The

13:06

family is a theocracy where the

13:08

father's word is law. And

13:11

the truth is, ladies, so many ladies, I

13:13

mean, and this is for a lot of

13:15

reasons. So many of us women, including myself,

13:18

have struggled or do struggle with

13:23

leadership, with other people telling them what

13:25

to do. And

13:27

especially male leadership, maybe

13:29

because you didn't have it. I know

13:31

for me personally, that was the reason why I struggled

13:34

with it is because I actually never really had it.

13:36

And so the idea of it just

13:39

seemed like absurd. Like, who

13:41

are you? Why do I have to listen to

13:43

you? But I did not struggle with male leadership

13:45

in general. Like if it was my boss, or

13:47

if it was a professor, I didn't struggle at

13:50

all with that. I actually welcomed it actually really

13:52

wanted to be led. But

13:54

because I wasn't led as a child in the home with

13:56

my father, I had a very difficult

13:58

time when it came to a role. romantic relationship

14:01

and the person leading me in that aspect just

14:03

because I didn't understand it. I didn't see it

14:05

happening in my home. I had no idea how

14:07

it actually worked and so I just wanted to

14:10

avoid it. But there are some ladies, some of

14:12

you ladies who actually just struggle with men

14:15

leading in general. In general, it

14:17

could have been your teacher in high school,

14:19

your boss, it could be your pastor. You just

14:21

struggle with that and that will become

14:23

an issue for you because the man is

14:25

the authority in the home and all of

14:27

the family matters and this is

14:30

how it works in the kingdom of

14:32

God. This is how it

14:34

works. The kingdom of God is not a democracy.

14:36

If you listen to Dr. Miles Monroe, he says

14:38

this all the time. It is not

14:40

a democracy. When you

14:42

learn about kingdoms and you learn about

14:45

how things used to work

14:47

when we were under kingdom rulership,

14:49

you understand the idea that a

14:51

king is different than a

14:53

president. A kingdom is run completely different than

14:55

a democracy and here in America, because we

14:58

live in a democracy, we have a different

15:00

idea of what it looks like for

15:02

a person to rule and to preside over us. We

15:05

know we have a say. We know that

15:07

we have a vote. We know that we

15:09

have some power. But we don't know what

15:11

it's like to listen and

15:14

just follow and be

15:16

under the complete rulership of someone

15:18

else. And so that concept

15:20

is very difficult for us to understand, which

15:23

is why so many of us have a

15:25

hard time actually understanding God, understanding what it's

15:27

like to be in God's family, be in

15:29

the kingdom of God. We don't even understand

15:31

the rules of a kingdom. And

15:34

so we don't even know all of the

15:36

benefits that we actually have. We

15:38

don't even know because we have no

15:40

idea how kingdoms work. In a kingdom,

15:42

a king can make a special law

15:46

that's just for one person, a special rule.

15:48

He can decide that he is going to

15:51

do something that's just for this person. In

15:55

a democracy, they don't do that. You can't do that.

15:57

Like you can't just play favorites and just say, I'm

15:59

going to... do this thing for this person.

16:01

Like if it's not in the rules, you can't just

16:03

bend them. But in the kingdom, you can.

16:06

And so what does that mean in the kingdom of God?

16:08

What that means is that God can say, well,

16:11

most people have to pray and fast and

16:16

consecrate themselves. And then I

16:18

will answer their prayer. But

16:20

you, you've never prayed a day in

16:23

your life. And one day

16:25

something happens and you just say,

16:27

Lord help. And he gives

16:29

you the same thing that he gave someone

16:31

else who's been praying for 10 years, fasting,

16:33

time, consecrating, and you say, that's not fair.

16:36

How come she, how come she got all that?

16:38

That's not fair. Because in the

16:41

kingdom, it doesn't have to be fair. God can

16:43

make a special law, special rule for a special

16:45

person. And that's why we have to be careful

16:47

when it comes to, you know, listening to certain

16:49

people of God, because sometimes this

16:51

just works for them because

16:54

God allowed it to work for them. It doesn't mean

16:56

that this is the actual rule. This is the way

16:58

he wants things done. And I know this

17:01

can get very complicated. I don't want to get too off

17:03

topic, but I'm just saying that

17:05

a lot of times we don't understand how

17:07

God works because we don't understand how kingdoms

17:09

function. We don't understand. We

17:12

don't understand. You know, in a

17:14

kingdom, there's an army that protects

17:16

its citizens. And

17:19

in the kingdom of God, the army are the angels.

17:22

Angels protect you. Angels look after you. You

17:24

are not the army of God. A

17:26

lot of people say that they're the soldiers. You're not, you're

17:29

not. God already has

17:31

a military. He has a system in terms of entities

17:34

that fight for you spiritually. Yes, there are things that

17:36

you may have to do in the spirit, but

17:38

you are not the one out there battling.

17:42

But okay, let me back up and let

17:44

me just get back to the book. I'm just letting

17:46

you know that understanding kingdoms are

17:48

important because it sets the tone for

17:50

everything else. Kings like to

17:52

be honored and praised and adored. And

17:54

when you talk to a king, you

17:57

start off with telling them how great

17:59

they are. Oh great king

18:01

may you live forever. May your

18:04

kingdom surpass every other kingdom. You

18:06

are mighty, you are glorious, may your name

18:09

live forever. Like that's how you talk to

18:11

a king when you approach a king. You don't

18:13

just walk into a king's court and just start

18:15

talking. You praise them, you glorify

18:17

them. And that's the same thing you do when

18:19

you pray. You don't just start talking to God.

18:22

You are to enter his gates with thanksgiving. You

18:24

praise him, you worship him. That's why there's

18:26

always praise and worship before any

18:29

service because that is the process and

18:31

that's the protocol. And it's the same

18:33

thing if you transfer that to your

18:36

husband as king. If you actually

18:39

spent time praising your husband and

18:42

thanking your husband and showing

18:44

gratitude towards your husband, first

18:47

you would see how he would treat

18:49

you. I'm not saying that

18:51

in every situation it's going to always be

18:53

the same thing, but you would completely

18:55

change the culture of your marriage. If he

18:58

was constantly getting a steady diet of

19:00

gratitude and praise and honor as

19:02

the king of your household. Oh,

19:04

you would see a change, trust me. So she

19:07

does talk about this a little bit, but doesn't

19:09

go into as much details. I just went into,

19:11

but law and order is part of the kingdom

19:13

of God because that's how kingdoms function and law

19:15

and order is also necessary in the home. Now

19:18

there are certain things in the home that we as

19:20

women may want to have jurisdiction over

19:23

because it's like, okay, yeah, you're the king and I get

19:25

it. And you're making

19:28

all these rules for the family. But

19:30

when it comes to the children, that's

19:32

my territory. I have them. They,

19:34

you don't even know what to do with them. You don't even

19:36

get it. Okay. I'm the mom and

19:39

this is my territory. I made the

19:41

rules for the children because I know you don't. So

19:43

you might feel the right to determine the discipline for

19:45

the children, the instruction, the religious

19:48

affiliation, or other important things. So if

19:50

you end up clashing with your husband

19:52

on any matters concerning your children, you

19:54

might actually feel like you have the

19:56

final say, but girl,

19:58

you don't. Although you

20:00

do have the sacred responsibility of

20:02

motherhood, you are not their

20:04

leader. You're not your child's

20:07

leader. Your husband is

20:09

a shepherd of his flock and

20:11

in full command. So I definitely

20:13

want to know from you ladies, like what do you think

20:15

about this? How are you feeling listening to this? I

20:19

am thinking that you probably don't feel too great because

20:22

hearing this stuff does not feel good.

20:25

It doesn't feel good at all. It

20:27

doesn't feel natural. It doesn't

20:31

feel right. Part of it is because of the

20:33

culture that we're in now. We're so far removed

20:35

from how things used to be

20:37

and how the culture used to function.

20:40

So it's a little bit difficult for us to digest this

20:43

and it just feels kind of like we're

20:46

out of control. Sometimes it can make you feel like

20:48

you're not important. Your role

20:50

is not important. So it's like

20:52

what am I supposed to be doing then? Am I

20:54

a child? There are a lot of

20:56

feelings and thoughts that come up with this

20:58

sort of thing and it's important for you

21:01

to understand them to be honest with yourself

21:03

because this is exactly what you need to

21:05

talk to God about. It's exactly what you

21:07

need to maybe see a therapist about. Maybe

21:09

talk to your pastor about maybe go to

21:11

a marriage seminar or marriage conference and work

21:13

some of these things out. Maybe you need

21:16

to read books on certain aspects of this,

21:18

but you need to know how you actually

21:20

feel about these things because they are happening

21:22

in your home. They are happening in your

21:24

body and if you're not able to hear

21:27

the truth, acknowledge your feelings

21:29

about the truth, and then

21:32

do something about those feelings, then you're going

21:34

to be stuck feeling miserable and I don't

21:36

want that for you. I want

21:38

you to be empowered in your womanhood. I

21:40

want you to be happy in your home

21:42

and I want you to be joyful about

21:44

the role that God has trusted in your

21:46

hands to play and you can only be

21:48

that way if you're able to embrace it

21:50

with love and say, yes, I am taking

21:52

this on and I'm doing this for the

21:54

glory of God. Your

22:06

husband also has a right to make

22:08

decisions. The father has

22:10

a right to make final decisions

22:12

on matters, which relates to personal

22:14

life, his work, and his family.

22:17

And a lot of these decisions have to

22:20

be made daily. Some of these are minor

22:22

decisions like maybe should we take the dog

22:24

on a picnic or leave the dog at

22:26

home? That's something really minor, but he

22:29

has a final decision. And these

22:31

little minor things are usually what

22:33

couples end up fighting about on

22:35

a daily. Like this whole idea

22:37

of like the little stuff like, Oh,

22:39

should we take the umbrella or not? Or should

22:41

we take the dog or not? Or should we

22:43

take the ice chest? And he's like, no, don't

22:45

take it. You're like, but we need it. That

22:47

is it. And it's like, no, don't take it.

22:50

Okay, fine. Take it. And then you get into

22:52

an argument because now he's irritated that he's already

22:54

made a decision and you're fighting him on it,

22:56

but you have a valid point and he's not

22:58

understanding your valid point. And it's like now there's

23:00

drama in the car. This is so common. This

23:02

is so common because it's those tiny little decisions

23:04

that we just have to

23:06

be right or we just have to prove a

23:08

point that we just have to let him understand.

23:11

Right. And sometimes we

23:13

have to just realize he makes a final

23:16

decision. If he says, don't take

23:18

the ice chest and you get there and all your

23:20

drinks are warm and he's you're

23:22

going to all probably just be annoyed that your

23:24

drinks are all warm or you can get there

23:26

and try to find a way to get some

23:28

ice when you get there. Maybe he'll go get

23:31

some ice when you get there. I mean, there

23:33

are so many variations of things that can happen.

23:35

However, in that moment, fighting

23:37

over the ice chest will jeopardize the entire day,

23:39

you will end up fighting in the car, he's

23:41

going to have an attitude at the beach. And

23:44

now the whole family day is just ruined

23:46

because of this ice chest conversation. Just don't

23:49

bring it. Don't bring the ice chest and

23:51

then allow him to suffer the consequences or

23:53

allow him to figure out how he's going

23:55

to make up for that when

23:58

you guys get to the beach. these

24:00

very small little decisions that

24:02

you just have to allow

24:04

him to take responsibility for.

24:07

Now major decisions also have to be made

24:10

and sometimes these are the

24:12

ones that really press in because you

24:14

just know that it's the wrong decision

24:17

or you don't trust him. But the man

24:19

may be faced with decisions about

24:21

his work such as whether to

24:23

enlarge his business, make investments, change

24:26

occupations, or move to a new

24:28

community. These are big life decisions

24:30

and he's having to

24:32

make these things and sometimes he's

24:34

gonna make them on his own. He may talk

24:37

to you but he's gonna have the final decision

24:39

as to what he should do about things

24:42

involving his work. If he's wise though he's

24:44

gonna talk it over with you as his

24:46

wife. He's going to get

24:48

your ideas and win your cooperation because

24:50

that's what a wise man does. He

24:53

is not a dictator. He's not someone who

24:55

is gonna just completely disregard

24:58

you and disregard your

25:00

wisdom and disregard your position as

25:02

his helper. He's going to bring

25:04

it up with you and again

25:06

you know depending on your relationship,

25:08

your history together, your behavior,

25:11

he may or may not do this that much because

25:13

he has to trust you and trust that you're not

25:15

going to shoot every idea down, trust

25:17

that you have his best interests at

25:20

mind, trust a lot of different things

25:22

before he willingly just shares his thoughts

25:24

and plans with you. However it's still

25:27

wise for him to at least talk to

25:29

you and not just make decisions for the

25:31

family without you even being involved. Like that's

25:33

not a very wise or

25:36

kind husband and she talks about the

25:38

Bible. In the Bible, Jacob had worked

25:40

for his father-in-law for a lot of

25:42

years and then God said to him,

25:44

return to the land of your fathers

25:46

and I will be with you. So he got this

25:48

instruction from God but when he

25:50

got the instruction he first called his

25:53

wives, he had two wives, he first

25:55

called his wives Rachel and Leah into

25:57

the field and he talked with them

25:59

to win their support. And after he

26:01

explained his situation, Rachel and Leah said,

26:04

Okay, whatever God said, go ahead and do

26:06

it. And then he had their

26:08

support. And this is what he needed

26:10

in order to go in peace. This is

26:12

not in the book of Genesis chapter 31. So

26:15

she's saying that you might want to read this passage with

26:17

your husband, because it may

26:19

encourage him to seek your viewpoint and

26:22

your support more often. But it just

26:24

shows that like even someone as great

26:26

as the patriarch Jacob, when God

26:28

gave him an instruction that he was going to have to leave, he

26:30

was going to have to move, he was going to have to go somewhere

26:33

and just shake up, completely

26:35

shake up the dynamics of their life.

26:38

He talked to them first about it. He

26:40

want their support. He want their cooperation. And

26:43

that's what a good husband does. He's

26:45

still going to talk to you and just share

26:47

with you what he's thinking, what he's been told

26:49

to do, what he wants to do, and

26:52

hopefully win your cooperation. And of

26:54

course, sometimes your husband may be

26:57

reluctant to speak his reason. Like

27:00

he may think that you don't really know

27:02

anything about business. You may not even know

27:04

anything about finances or whatever he wants to talk

27:06

to you about. And so it's like, why should

27:08

I talk to you? You don't know anything about

27:10

this. And so he may be

27:12

reluctant or maybe he's not even able to

27:14

justify why he's doing it. And he knows

27:16

you're going to ask him a thousand questions.

27:19

And so he's a little reluctant to

27:21

share it with you because he doesn't

27:23

have everything figured out or he doesn't

27:25

really know why he feels a

27:28

strong urge to invest in this company or

27:30

why he feels a strong urge to move

27:32

to a certain city. He doesn't really know,

27:34

but he just feels it so strongly

27:36

inside of him that he should do

27:38

it. And he knows that that's not

27:40

a good answer for you. So she's

27:42

saying in these cases when he's just

27:44

very inspired to do something that

27:46

you should just allow him to do it,

27:50

not to probe too deeply because

27:52

his strong feelings are probably

27:54

a better guide than his reasons. Now,

27:57

what is your role as a

27:59

wow? life in terms of his

28:01

leadership. I know as we've been talking, it's kind

28:03

of like, my goodness, you're trying

28:05

to tell me this man gets to just run my life?

28:09

Where do I fit in? And that is a valid

28:11

question. We don't want to

28:13

feel like we're being oppressed or we don't

28:15

have value or we don't have input because

28:17

you should and you do. It's

28:20

all about the way that you do it. And

28:22

it's all about the timing, the tone, and you

28:25

know, just how you use your wisdom

28:27

that God has given you to

28:30

navigate these situations. So

28:32

let's talk a little bit about that. What is

28:34

your role as his wife in

28:36

terms of leadership? Although your

28:38

husband is the undisputed head of the

28:40

family, you have an important

28:43

part to play in his

28:45

leadership, my love. Yours

28:47

is a submissive role, it's a

28:49

supporting role, and it's sometimes an

28:51

active role in which you express

28:53

yourself very clearly and

28:56

even strongly. Your

28:58

support is essential to him and

29:00

your ideas sometimes may be invaluable

29:02

to him, if given in

29:04

the right way. A lot

29:06

rests on your husband's shoulders. He has a

29:08

family to lead, he has decisions to make,

29:11

and some of those decisions are highly important.

29:14

And guess what? He alone is

29:16

going to be responsible for these decisions

29:18

regardless of the outcome. So yes,

29:20

he does get to have a lot of power, but

29:22

when things go wrong, people look

29:24

at your husband. Even if

29:26

you're the one who told him to do it, you're the one

29:28

who made the decision, because he's the head

29:30

of the household, people are going to look at him as someone

29:33

who was incapable or incompetent of running

29:35

his home or managing his family. So

29:38

no matter what, it always falls back

29:40

on the husband in terms of how

29:42

it's viewed publicly and even how it's

29:44

viewed by God because he is the

29:46

leader. So your understanding,

29:49

your support, and even your ideas

29:51

are all important to him. She

29:54

talks about Mumtaz, who was the lady

29:56

of the Taj Mahal, and

29:58

she was the daughter of the prime minister. minister but

30:00

she was also married to the shop

30:02

and she had a lot of influence

30:04

on the government and the matters that

30:06

were happening even though the world didn't

30:09

know and that's the beautiful

30:11

thing about being the supporting role the

30:13

submissive wife especially if you're

30:15

dealing with a man in power because you

30:17

have so much influence and people don't know

30:19

what's going on in your house and they

30:21

don't know how much you're affecting his decisions

30:24

about things but you have to do it

30:26

with an art you have to do it

30:28

with a style where

30:31

he doesn't feel threatened and that's exactly

30:33

what it says that she did she

30:35

did it with such art her husband

30:37

felt not the slightest threat to his

30:39

position as a supreme ruler

30:41

of India and you know this happens

30:43

all the time I mean you see

30:45

it in shows and that kind of

30:47

stuff with presidents and you know that

30:49

the wives do play a really big

30:51

role in very important matters but it's

30:53

all about how they do it that

30:55

the husband actually listen so let's talk

30:57

about some ways women try to lead

30:59

because here's the thing you

31:01

may have a valid point you may

31:04

be 100% right but

31:06

you may be trying to

31:08

take on leadership and

31:10

that's the issue and you know what my

31:12

love sometimes you might not even know you're

31:14

doing this that's the thing

31:16

you may not even recognize that

31:18

okay this is what's going on

31:20

now I see why he has his reaction towards

31:23

me now I see why he shuts down now

31:25

I see why he snapped at me or why

31:27

he didn't want to come home tonight because men

31:29

just feel it like they feel it in their

31:32

soul but they may not be able to really

31:34

even know sometimes what you did or you know

31:36

how you did it but they know it was

31:38

done and it doesn't feel good it feels like

31:40

they got robbed of something or they got tricked

31:43

into something and their back is against the wall

31:45

on something and they hate that feeling but

31:47

maybe they can't necessarily express to you honey

31:49

when you said this or when you did

31:52

this it made me make a decision

31:54

I didn't want to make it they may not

31:56

be able to vocalize that so let's talk about

31:58

ways that women try to lead One

32:07

of the ways is that they actually just try

32:09

to leap straight out. They

32:11

just try to be the boss. So I want you

32:14

to ask yourself these questions. Do

32:16

you hold the reins in your family and try

32:18

to run things your way? Do

32:20

you make the important plans and decisions and

32:22

expect your husband to go along with them?

32:25

Do you consult him about family matters but

32:28

always end up doing things your own way?

32:31

Why do you do this? Maybe

32:34

you don't know any better or you don't

32:36

trust your husband's judgment or you think that

32:38

you can do a better job. Or when you try

32:40

to lead, do you get met

32:43

with resistance? Is there a power struggle? Do

32:45

you find it difficult to surrender to your

32:47

husband's authority? Do you feel that the end

32:49

justifies the means so it's better to actually

32:52

have the things turn out well than

32:54

to honor his leadership? Or

32:57

do you work with pressure? Do you pressure

32:59

him to do things your way? Sometimes

33:02

resorting to nagging. And

33:05

if he resists, does this lead to

33:07

frequent clashes or arguments? Or

33:09

does he give in against his better

33:11

judgment just to keep the peace? If

33:15

you have done this, you've probably found it pays

33:17

to pressure and that's how you get

33:19

what you want. And guess what?

33:21

Your children also copied this method.

33:25

Or do you scrutinize? Do you scrutinize

33:27

your husband's plans and decisions because you're afraid he's

33:29

going to make a mistake? Are

33:31

you overly concerned about his judgment?

33:34

Watch for him to approve

33:36

or disapprove. Are you

33:39

overly inquisitive about his business? Do

33:41

you ask probing questions with a

33:43

fearful tone in your voice? This

33:46

shows lack of trust and it

33:48

gives him the impression that you think he is

33:51

incapable of leading. A

33:53

woman should build a man's confidence, not

33:55

destroy it. Or are you one of those ladies who

33:57

likes to give advice? A

34:00

common mistake is to give a man too

34:02

many suggestions or too much advice to tell

34:04

him what to do and how to do

34:06

it. Or when he brings up

34:08

a matter he's considering, instead of just waiting

34:10

to hear his point of view, you

34:13

are quick to give him advice. Or

34:16

spend a lot of time thinking about what he

34:18

should do. You know, some people they do that,

34:20

like they'll listen to you and you

34:22

think the conversation's over and they'll come

34:24

back the next day with a laundry list. Okay, this

34:26

is what you should do and this is how you

34:29

should do it. And it's like, okay, now I know

34:31

that every time I'm talking to you when you lay

34:33

in bed you're going to be thinking about all the

34:35

different solutions and strategizing. And in your mind

34:37

you may be trying to help, but

34:39

it doesn't feel good, especially to a

34:41

man. Not everyone needs you to

34:43

outline a course for them to follow, unless

34:46

they ask you for that. This

34:48

also shows a lack of trust and gives him

34:50

the impression that you know all the answers. You

34:53

don't really even need him. You can get

34:55

along just fine without him. Or do you

34:57

just straight up disobey? Do

35:00

you obey your husband when you agree with him? But

35:03

when you don't, you do it your own way? Or

35:06

when you feel very strongly about something he doesn't

35:08

approve of, do you just do it anyway? It's

35:11

easy to obey a man when you agree with him.

35:13

That's easy. The test comes when

35:16

you do not agree. How do

35:18

you handle such a situation? I know that some

35:20

ladies actually are attracted to men that they can

35:22

run. Like they like

35:25

men that they feel they can get over

35:27

on because then they feel like they can

35:29

control the marriage. They know for

35:31

sure, okay, this man allows me to walk all

35:33

over him. He's scared of me or whatever because

35:36

they're looking to run everything. They want to make

35:38

all the decisions. They want to get their way

35:40

with everything and they don't want a husband. They

35:42

just want a yes man. They just want a

35:44

play partner. They just want a

35:46

trophy husband. Someone that say, yes, girl, I'm

35:48

married. But they have no respect

35:51

for the man. I

35:53

hope that's not you because

35:55

you're not winning in the end, my dear. That

35:58

man is not going to win. to be

36:00

happy and therefore you're not going to be happy

36:03

because you know what you're doing and

36:05

inherently we all desire to be led.

36:08

We all desire to feel safe. We

36:10

want to know that our husband would make the decision that

36:12

we would make and not feel like we have to do

36:15

it all. Even though it feels good

36:17

to get your way and to get what you want,

36:19

you know you're running that relationship. And

36:22

I've seen women talk about this on interviews where they'll

36:25

say things like, yeah when I don't agree with my

36:27

husband and these are like women

36:29

of God, pastors wives, that kind of thing.

36:31

Who will actually say, well when I

36:33

don't agree with my husband, I just say, you know how

36:35

they, I don't agree with you. I don't

36:37

want to follow you but I

36:39

believe that you've probably already talked to God about this

36:41

and so I'm going to go ahead and listen to

36:43

you and if this goes wrong then it's between you

36:46

and God. Hmm sounds

36:49

a little bit manipulative in the way that you're speaking. Doesn't

36:52

sound very loving and it

36:54

definitely doesn't sound like you are being

36:56

submissive. So sometimes women will

36:58

use words like that and state it

37:00

in ways like that where you're just

37:03

trying to say things instead of just

37:05

asking him, okay hon you know this doesn't

37:07

feel right to me right in your feminine. You're

37:09

gonna go back to how you feel. This doesn't

37:11

really feel right to me. I

37:14

just wanted to ask if you can pray about it

37:16

first but either way I trust

37:19

you. That is so different

37:21

than saying I don't really agree with this and I

37:23

don't really want to follow this but I'm sure you've

37:25

already talked to God about it. You know saying all

37:27

that stuff when you know good and well he hasn't

37:29

talked to God about it. It's

37:32

all manipulation and it's all deceptive speech

37:34

and I don't think that that is how

37:36

God would want you to interact with your husband.

37:39

So how do you become the perfect follower? How

37:41

do you become the kind of wife who can

37:43

truly honor his position? Let's

37:45

talk about that. First you actually do have

37:47

to honor his position. Honoring

37:50

his position as the head of the family

37:52

and also teaching your children to honor him

37:56

because that is what God wants and it's not

37:58

about it being fair or being with you. what

38:00

you think it should be. It's

38:03

about following God's order.

38:06

If you can't follow God's order in your marriage,

38:08

what makes you think you can follow God's order

38:10

in your life in general? There are

38:13

so many things outside of marriage that God asked us to

38:15

do that we don't wanna do, that we

38:17

don't think is fair, that is very difficult to do. If

38:19

you can't do this, how can you do the other

38:21

stuff? If you're out of line here, I'm sure,

38:24

without a doubt, that you are out of line

38:27

in many other areas in your life, because

38:29

it's the same principle. Honor

38:32

His position, because that is what

38:34

God has asked you to do

38:36

when He is the one

38:38

you trust. You trust God. Your trust

38:40

is not in your husband. Your

38:43

trust is in the Lord overseeing everything that goes

38:45

on in your life. And you're able

38:47

to reap those benefits when you are in

38:49

line with His will. And let

38:51

it go. Let go of

38:53

wanting to control. Build

38:56

your husband's confidence. This is

38:58

actually gonna build your confidence in Him. When

39:00

you start to let go of control, and

39:03

watch what He does, and honor Him,

39:05

and build Him up, and respect Him,

39:07

you're going to start building more confidence

39:09

because He's gonna start getting more confident.

39:11

He is gonna feel more free. He

39:13

is gonna feel like there's no one

39:16

always looking over my shoulder, breathing down

39:18

my neck, and acting like my mother.

39:20

And guess what? He is gonna

39:22

be wise enough to realize the things that He actually

39:24

can't do or fall short in when you give Him

39:26

that control. That's when He is

39:29

going to say, honey, okay, you know, I actually think

39:31

it'd be best if you could do this and that

39:33

instead of me. But give

39:35

Him the opportunity to let it be His

39:37

idea and His delegation. And it's

39:39

also really feminine and attractive, and just

39:41

a really beautiful way to live. When you

39:44

have a girlish trust in Him, which means

39:46

you're not overly concerned all the time about

39:48

the outcome of everything. We

39:50

can be like that as women where we honestly

39:53

just start to become so

39:55

controlling over every little thing. And

39:57

what I mean by that is like you're not

39:59

just being controlling. over serious things.

40:01

You're watching over his shoulder even when he's

40:03

playing with the children, making sure he doesn't hurt

40:05

them, making sure he doesn't say the wrong thing,

40:07

call something the wrong name, like all the things

40:09

that actually don't even matter. You're

40:12

overseeing everything all the

40:14

time. You're overseeing the way

40:16

he eats, the way that he puts things in

40:18

the sink, the way that he puts things in

40:21

the trash, the way that he moves things

40:23

around the house or lays certain things in certain

40:25

places or what he's watching and what he's listening

40:27

to. Like it's like every single move he makes,

40:30

you're scrutinizing it. You're overseeing it. That can become

40:32

a pattern and a habit in your life. So

40:34

you have to be the one to stop

40:36

and say, you know what, this doesn't matter. Yeah,

40:38

maybe he threw your son a little bit too

40:41

high. Okay. He knows. He

40:43

knows unless he married

40:46

someone who is completely, you

40:48

know, just out of their mind. If he

40:50

is a normal functioning, healthy man,

40:53

he knows when he's doing something wrong.

40:55

He knows when he made a mistake.

40:57

He already knows he doesn't need the extra

41:00

coming from you. And you will be so

41:02

much happier because it's a weightlifting off of

41:04

you. It's a way where you

41:07

can just become free. You can actually mind

41:09

your own business and eat your food and

41:11

not worry about what your husband's watching and

41:13

listening to. You can enjoy arranging your flowers

41:15

in your garden as he

41:17

takes a child to the park and gets your daughter

41:19

ice cream. And yes, maybe she shouldn't be having ice

41:21

cream because she had ice cream this

41:23

afternoon and it's already almost bedtime.

41:26

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Is she going

41:29

to be a little bit hyper tonight? Probably.

41:31

Enjoy your time in your garden. Let them

41:33

take her to get some ice cream. Let

41:35

them have their father daughter time and you

41:37

deal with whatever comes with it in the

41:39

evening. Maybe she'll be

41:41

a little bit hyper. Maybe it'll be a really fun night

41:44

for all of you. It doesn't always have to be negative

41:47

and you don't always have to have so much control

41:49

that you are just bringing everyone down. And

41:51

remember this girlish trust that she's talking

41:53

about that you have, it's

41:55

not the same kind of trust that you have in

41:58

God. Okay, because God does not make mistakes. Mendu.

42:02

You are allowing for his mistakes. You are

42:04

allowing him to recognize the areas that he

42:06

can grow in, recognize the areas that he

42:09

made mistakes in, and fix them himself. It's

42:13

not about you saying that I fully

42:15

blindly trust you to do everything right.

42:17

You're trusting him knowing he's gonna do

42:19

things wrong. That's a difficult

42:21

part, but your greater trust is actually in

42:23

God. Don't

42:25

expect everything that your

42:27

husband does, every decision,

42:29

every judgment, every inspired

42:32

motivation to be perfect. Okay?

42:36

Not every inspired decision your husband makes will

42:38

even be pleasant or turn out the way

42:41

you think it should. God

42:43

may actually lead him into problems

42:45

for a wise and unknown purpose.

42:47

I love that you put this

42:49

in the book because this is

42:51

actually so deep. Like sometimes you

42:53

are actually causing more harm than

42:55

good trying to be controlling because

42:58

sometimes it is God who

43:00

leads us into things that

43:02

we consider problems or

43:05

things that we consider bad choices because he's

43:07

trying to grow us, stretch us, teach

43:09

us. And when you're trying

43:11

to monitor every single thing and not allowing

43:13

your husband to be the leader under

43:16

God's authority, you may be stopping him

43:18

from growing in God, from God stretching

43:21

him and teaching him. She says that

43:23

we must all be tried by the

43:25

refiners fire, the refiner being God. And

43:28

God has mysterious ways of bringing this about.

43:31

When your husband is led by inspiration,

43:33

if you follow him devotedly, you can

43:35

look back and see the hand of

43:37

God in your life and be

43:39

grateful for how things turned out. There

43:42

may be frightening times where you would like

43:44

to trust your husband and you would like

43:46

to feel that he is guided by inspiration,

43:48

but you just can't. Maybe you detect vanity

43:50

or pride or selfishness at the bottom of

43:52

his decisions and you see that

43:54

he's actually headed for disaster. That's different.

43:57

If there are things going on where you

43:59

can see okay this guy is gonna screw

44:01

up the family himself. That's

44:03

different. You can try to talk to him, but

44:06

if he won't listen to you, guess what girl? You

44:08

can't make him. You cannot force your

44:11

husband to listen to you, no matter

44:13

what he is doing. You can't make

44:15

him. That's what you have

44:18

to realize. So that's why your trust

44:20

is always going to be first and

44:22

foremost in God. If you can't trust

44:24

your husband, you can always trust in

44:26

God. He has placed him at the

44:28

head and commanded that you obey him.

44:30

So because of that, you have the right

44:33

to ask God for his help. If

44:35

you obey the counsel of your husband and

44:38

ask your heavenly father to guide

44:40

him, things will turn out

44:42

right in a surprising way. How to be

44:44

a female It's

44:53

also important that you're adaptable. Don't

44:56

be so rigid and set in all your ways.

44:58

Don't be a person who cannot

45:00

be flexible. That is a very beautiful

45:02

feminine quality, is to be unselfish, to

45:05

care and put your husband's needs in

45:07

front of yourself and to

45:09

be flexible. She talks about when she was

45:11

a young woman, how she had all these

45:13

preconceived ideas about marriage and where she was

45:15

going to live and the kind of house

45:17

she wanted to live in and the area,

45:19

all of it. Like it was a whole

45:21

dream. And then her husband ended

45:23

up having her live somewhere that was just

45:26

completely different than what she imagined. But what

45:28

ended up happening was that she discarded this

45:30

dream. And when she

45:32

discarded it, she was actually happier and

45:34

a better wife because she was living in

45:37

her reality and saying, I'm just going to

45:39

make what I have as good and as

45:41

great as it can be. Instead of always

45:44

wishing I had this dream

45:46

that I had in my mind, because

45:48

that might not be what God wants

45:50

for you. Or that may be a

45:52

result of your own decisions. Maybe you

45:55

married the wrong person. Yeah, maybe you

45:57

married the wrong person. God doesn't pick your husband for you.

46:00

Did you know that? God does not pick your

46:02

husband for you. Absolutely not. God gives you

46:04

free will because if he picks your husband

46:06

for you, then he has to be responsible

46:08

for everything that husband brings to you. God

46:11

brings people to you. He presents different

46:14

people to you throughout your life and

46:17

you're responsible for picking the right one.

46:20

That's on you girl. So sometimes it's because

46:22

you didn't choose the right person and so

46:24

maybe that dream that you have that really

46:26

was an inspired dream by God for your

46:28

life is something you're gonna have to

46:30

skip out on and that's okay. That's

46:32

okay. It's not

46:34

the end of the world. Your happiness is

46:36

in your hands. If you

46:38

thought you were gonna live out in the

46:41

countryside picking strawberries and living in a house

46:44

with a white picket fence and sunshine and

46:46

lilies, but you also like

46:48

lavish things and you met this guy

46:50

who was a stockbroker and investment banker

46:53

and guess what? He wants to

46:55

live in the city. Smack dab

46:57

in the middle of New York City. That's the

46:59

life you chose. So you may end up having

47:01

all the extras and all the luxuries and all

47:03

that but you may end up living in a

47:05

skyscraper and a high-rise somewhere

47:08

in the middle of a dirty city,

47:10

but that's the life you chose because

47:12

that's the husband you marry and that's

47:14

okay. You can make a beautiful life

47:16

out of that. You can

47:18

try to find a way to go on

47:20

vacation and visit a place like that instead.

47:23

Or other things that can you know make

47:25

up for this dream or just make your

47:27

life beautiful where you are. So

47:29

she just says try not to hold on

47:31

to all of these different things that you

47:33

absolutely must have or you will not be

47:35

happy because then when you're not adaptable, you

47:37

start to force decisions on your husband. You

47:40

start to control and make things happen

47:42

and that's how mistakes can happen. And

47:44

then she talks about being obedient. Obeying

47:47

your husband's counsel and instructions. If

47:49

you obey by the same time you

47:51

drag your feet and you complain about it, it's not

47:54

going to get you far. But if

47:56

you willingly obey the spirit

47:58

of sweet submission. then

48:01

guess what my love, God will bless

48:03

you and your household and

48:05

bring a spirit of harmony into your home.

48:08

And your husband will also appreciate you so

48:10

much and he is going to

48:12

end up being softened by your

48:15

yielding spirit. A wife who refuses

48:17

to obey her husband's counsels or

48:19

instructions brings serious disharmony

48:22

into her marriage. And

48:24

even more serious, she's doing something

48:26

that's actually morally wrong. Since

48:28

God placed a man at the head, the

48:30

wife's rebellion is actually a

48:33

sin. Therefore, when she allows

48:35

her will to rise against

48:37

his will, she will lose

48:39

the spirit of God. And we

48:42

don't want that. Obedience is

48:44

something that is absolutely necessary for

48:46

spiritual growth, for harming your household,

48:48

and for you and your husband

48:50

to have a beautiful marriage, and

48:52

for your kids to watch and

48:54

also understand the organization and

48:56

the flow of your home. And

48:59

that's something that they're going to take with them

49:01

in their life to build a beautiful family when

49:03

they get that age. And

49:06

speaking of children, it's also necessary to

49:08

present a united front to your children.

49:11

That's another beautiful way to allow

49:13

your husband to lead. Even when you and your

49:16

husband don't agree on something, you

49:18

are together on it in front of

49:20

the children. You never take sides with

49:22

your children. Against their fathers, hoping

49:24

to win your child's favor. I

49:27

know some people get really upset about

49:29

this whole children versus husband topic.

49:31

I've actually had like some

49:33

conversations on Instagram over it where some people

49:35

listening to this content got very triggered

49:38

about the idea of putting your husband

49:40

in front of your child. But

49:43

this is biblical. This is not

49:45

even something, you know, we women are

49:47

always going to feel attached to our children and

49:49

want our children to have it all and have

49:51

the best and always have what

49:53

they want. But that is not your

49:56

role as a married person. That is

49:59

not your role as a married person. married person, you and

50:01

your husband are one. Your allegiance actually

50:03

goes to your husband. And for some ladies, that

50:05

is just too hard for them to swallow because

50:07

they say things like, well, my child is my

50:10

blood. So my allegiance is actually to my child.

50:12

Any man can just get up one day and

50:14

leave you, but you're always going to have your

50:16

child. But are you one

50:18

with your child when you're married? You

50:21

are not. Is that God's

50:23

design or is that your own conception

50:26

of how you think things should be?

50:29

That's not true. And

50:31

I know that hurts to hear and some people are again,

50:34

very triggered by this book because she

50:36

says things that most people don't say,

50:38

but you are not your child's friend.

50:41

You are married to your husband and

50:44

you don't try to manipulate your husband

50:46

or side with your child in front

50:48

of your husband because you are undermining

50:50

his authority. And as much as you

50:52

think that this is going to win

50:54

favor in your child's eyes, as your

50:56

child gets older, they're going to understand

50:58

what you were doing. And that is

51:01

not something that they're going to respect.

51:03

Your children are actually going to be

51:05

more safe and feel more secure knowing

51:07

that they have parents who protect them,

51:09

who are one, who love one

51:11

another and who do what

51:13

they can in their own respective

51:15

roles. They know when you really

51:17

wish that you could, you know,

51:20

side with them. They know, honey, like

51:22

if you're a loving mother and maybe

51:24

your husband's more stern and they want

51:26

something, your husband says no and they

51:28

go mom and you look at

51:30

them and you're like, they

51:32

know you, they know you want to say yes.

51:35

But when you look at them, you say, honey,

51:37

your father says no, it's a no. Yes,

51:39

they're going to be upset, but guess what? They're upset at

51:41

the both of you, not

51:43

just at your husband. You shouldn't

51:45

even want that. You should want your

51:48

children to love their fathers, have great

51:50

relationship with their fathers. You should want

51:52

your children to have the absolute best

51:55

experience with their fathers. You

51:57

would not want your child to hate

51:59

their father. or to think that

52:01

their father is so mean and you're so nice.

52:04

And some of us ladies actually struggle

52:06

with this because we already have these

52:08

deep insecurities within ourselves where we just

52:11

want love so bad. Even

52:13

at the expense of our husbands or

52:15

at the expense of our children growing

52:17

up confused. We just want to

52:19

be loved and liked so mad. We

52:21

don't care if that means

52:23

that we are fighting against our own husbands

52:26

for the sake of our children liking

52:28

us more. And guess what? They're not

52:30

going to like you more. Just because you

52:32

say yes more, just because you side with them

52:34

doesn't mean that they're actually going to love you

52:36

more. You can actually have a

52:38

child and the child's father not be in their

52:40

life at all. And that

52:42

child can end up being an adult one day

52:45

and seeking a relationship out with that person and

52:47

in their heart feeling that they love you both

52:49

the same. Even though this man

52:51

did nothing to raise his child and

52:54

you think this man deserves no love. Nothing.

52:56

Nothing. He's a piece of crap. Well

53:00

that may be true. But in

53:02

your child's heart you cannot make them

53:04

love one person more than another based

53:06

on what they did. Love

53:09

is something that flows from a person's heart. It's nothing

53:11

that you can control. So stop

53:13

trying to control these things. You

53:15

also don't want your husband to stop looking

53:18

at their child with love because if they know they're

53:20

being manipulated by the two of you, they

53:23

may be reluctant to yield to their

53:25

children and they know that there's always

53:27

some funny business going on. They

53:29

want their child to respect them too. And

53:32

you're the one who brings that respect

53:34

into the home. Even

53:36

at a young age, even

53:38

at a young age when my son, he's so

53:40

young, but like when I see my

53:42

husband and I run up to him and I give him a

53:44

hug and a kiss, as soon as my son sees that, he

53:46

does the same thing. He runs up to him and gives him

53:48

a hug and a kiss. He wants to do the same thing

53:50

too. And he is being

53:52

able to see that this love is something that we

53:55

have as a family. So what if

53:57

it was the other way around? If I was

53:59

rolling my eyes out. him or if I didn't want him

54:01

to touch me if I was doing things like that my

54:03

son would copy me too. So

54:05

they're always watching and learning how to treat

54:08

the other parent and they're learning from you

54:10

as their mother. So if

54:12

you treat your husband's respect they're

54:14

going to treat their father with respect and

54:16

then you want to always try to support

54:19

his plans and his decisions. Your husband not

54:21

only needs your submission but he does need

54:23

your support. He may face decisions

54:25

that he doesn't want to take full responsibility

54:27

for. You may want to stand

54:30

up with him. Even if you don't agree with

54:32

him it's important to share

54:35

that you don't agree. Definitely don't

54:37

deny yourself that opportunity to

54:40

express yourself and be authentic and true

54:42

to yourself by expressing yourself. Don't try

54:44

to repress your feelings and your thoughts. That's

54:46

not healthy. Tell him how you feel. He's

54:50

gonna actually appreciate you expressing yourself but

54:53

if he insists that he's gonna do it you can still

54:55

support him even when you don't agree with him. You

54:58

can support not his plan but

55:00

his authority or his right

55:02

to decide. You can say something like this,

55:04

you know, I don't agree with your decision

55:06

but if you feel like it's right follow

55:08

your convictions and I'll support you. And

55:11

she's gonna talk more about this later because

55:14

it's not everything you support especially if it's

55:16

a crime or something that he absolutely should

55:18

not be doing. It's not everything you support.

55:20

You don't support crimes. You don't support sin

55:22

but if it's a decision that you don't

55:24

support it's okay. You can still

55:27

stand by him. And

55:29

also again assert your sense. In

55:32

being the perfect follower and honoring

55:34

his position there are times where

55:36

you should speak out. When

55:39

you have a very strong feeling about

55:41

something, assert yourself. Your perspective may be

55:43

a valuable one and your voice is

55:46

an important one whether he invites your

55:48

opinion or not. Express yourself

55:50

honestly and if necessary strongly. Yes

55:52

you don't have the final say

55:55

but you do have a say.

55:57

You do have a say. something

56:00

you absolutely stand against, you

56:02

must assert yourself. But before you do

56:04

it, think about it. Take

56:07

time on your own and think about it

56:09

and ask yourself, okay, am I disagreeing with

56:11

him because this is something I'm just feeling

56:13

selfish about? Is it unfair? Am

56:16

I dealing with fear? Like what is

56:18

it? What is the root of it? Before you

56:20

address him, you must actually

56:22

think through it and really

56:25

understand your reasons and be

56:27

honest with yourself. This requires

56:29

self-awareness. Don't go and talk

56:31

to your mom and your sister and your

56:34

friends first. Take time on your own and

56:36

think through it. And then

56:38

pray about it. Pray and

56:40

ask the Lord to show you what you're

56:42

really feeling and seeing. And God

56:44

is gonna allow you to see the situation more

56:46

clearly and you'll be more strengthened in

56:49

your convictions or God will show you,

56:51

no, honey girl. Listen, this is your

56:54

personal problem. This has nothing to do

56:56

with your husband being wrong. He's actually right. You're

56:58

just struggling with fear. So let's deal with that.

57:01

And if that's the case, okay, then drop it. Don't

57:03

think about it anymore. Don't bring it into him. That's

57:06

it, it's over. Talk to God about

57:08

it. But if you

57:10

decide that you're gonna bring it up to him,

57:12

then do it and do it with your chest

57:15

out, girl. Go to your husband

57:17

in confidence. Do not shrink. Be

57:20

self-assured. Seek plainly and

57:22

if necessary, strongly. Tell

57:24

him that you've thought about it. You've prayed about it.

57:27

And now you want him to think about it. And

57:29

you want him to pray about it. And

57:32

then once you've done that, trust

57:35

in God. Trust

57:38

in God. Trust in God to work

57:40

the situation out. Cast your cares upon

57:42

the Lord. Allow him to be

57:44

God and allow him to show himself to you

57:46

and how he works through your marriage because God

57:48

will show you. He'll show you why

57:50

you can trust him. He'll show you why he

57:52

is at the center of this marriage, why he

57:54

is the authority. Then you have to be in

57:56

his will and you have to trust him. Again,

57:58

this chapter is... very long so we're

58:00

gonna stop here and then next

58:03

week we'll talk about how to give feminine advice

58:05

because there are times where you're going to have

58:07

to give your husband advice you're gonna have to

58:09

you know talk to him about certain things and

58:11

kind of try to move the needle on certain

58:13

things but there's a way to do it and

58:16

again if it's something that you feel very strongly about

58:18

like he's making a decision at

58:20

work maybe about to fire someone and it's

58:22

because the person insulted him and you think

58:24

this is ridiculous you have to come to

58:27

him with full confidence full boldness and say

58:29

honey what you're doing is wrong I

58:32

will not tolerate it you are not this kind

58:34

of a person and we are not this kind

58:36

of a family and the Lord will lead you

58:38

to say the right thing for that situation but

58:40

when there are things that are just absolutely wrong

58:43

he's being racist he is abusing his power he

58:45

is being unfair he is crossing

58:47

the line in certain ways whatever

58:50

it is that you absolutely cannot

58:52

and will not stand by him

58:54

with you must do it with

58:56

confidence and with God I

59:00

hope that this podcast blessed you I know

59:02

it was a very strong one in terms

59:04

of the things I'm sharing with you but

59:06

this is about you being built up as

59:09

a feminine woman and as a wife this

59:11

is about you being equipped to be a

59:13

wonderful these are things that a lot of

59:15

mothers do not share with their daughter so

59:17

you literally don't hear the staff you don't

59:20

know you're blindly in your

59:22

marriage so I pray that this is

59:24

a blessing to you and that the Lord

59:26

spoke to you through this and pressed in

59:28

on certain things in your heart to just

59:30

draw you near to him you can

59:32

continue this conversation with God and again if

59:34

you love this podcast and you want to

59:37

listen to it without any interruptions you can

59:39

actually subscribe to the podcast for three dollars

59:41

a month and you can listen ad-free

59:44

so you won't hear any ads and

59:46

you can have access to my catalog

59:48

please share this podcast with someone who

59:50

may need to hear this information and

59:53

if you choose to post on your social media

59:55

you can tag me at the dr. dap show

59:57

or at dr. Michelle da I hope that this

59:59

was helpful to you and I would love

1:00:01

to hear feedback. You can leave it on

1:00:03

the podcast or again you can send me

1:00:05

messages or however you want to communicate is

1:00:07

fine but I would love to hear feedback

1:00:09

on how you're enjoying this book, if it's

1:00:11

something that you think is helpful to you

1:00:13

or not because otherwise I actually don't know

1:00:15

and sometimes there are other things that I'd

1:00:17

rather talk about so I really do hope

1:00:19

that it truly is helping. I pray for

1:00:21

God to bless each and every one of

1:00:23

your marriages to be able to infiltrate your

1:00:25

marriage with his peace, with his harmony, with

1:00:27

his love. I pray that he softens your

1:00:29

heart towards your husband and that he renews

1:00:31

and restores your marriage to be the marriage

1:00:34

that he has called it to be. I

1:00:36

pray for the kingdom of heaven's influence to

1:00:38

infiltrate your marriage today for you to be

1:00:40

a better wife and for your husband to

1:00:42

be a better husband for the glory of

1:00:44

God. I love you all so much

1:00:47

and I thank you for spending time here with

1:00:49

me and opening up your mind to this information

1:00:51

and until next

1:00:53

time remember that in all

1:00:55

things you do make

1:00:58

a feminine impression.

1:01:00

Bye-bye