0:04

Welcome to the Fatherly Podcast. I'm your

0:06

host, Joshua David Stuck. This

0:09

episode isn't going to be an easy one to listen

0:11

to. There are no segments you've

0:13

probably never heard of our guest. I wouldn't

0:15

call it uplifting. Even the music

0:17

is different, but it is, I hope,

0:19

one of the most impactful shows we've made this season.

0:23

December fourteenth marks the fifth anniversary

0:25

of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary Newtown,

0:28

Connecticut, which I left twenty six people,

0:30

twenty students and six educators dead.

0:33

Today we're going to hear from Mark Bardon, the

0:35

father of one of those students killed, five

0:38

year old Daniel. Mark

0:41

is a co founder of Sandy Hook Promise, the gun

0:43

violence prevention advocacy group made

0:45

up largely of the parents of Sandy Hook victims.

0:49

That's one of the most effective and active organizations.

0:51

You won't hear much policy talk either. I

0:54

want to keep our focus squarely on the story

0:56

of Mark and on the story of Daniel, because

0:58

so often these stories, these small moments

1:01

strand of hair caught in a bike helmet, disappear

1:04

forever. But as

1:06

Mark says, if only we could feel his pain,

1:08

perhaps we would be motivated to make the changes

1:11

necessary to prevent further massacres,

1:13

and there have been many I

1:16

wanted to let Mark speak to bring

1:18

Daniel back for at least a little while.

1:22

Stay with us. This is the father Only

1:24

podcast. Welcome

1:27

to a followy podcast. My

1:30

name is Dasla, David's died.

1:32

I hope you un delay yourself. Before

1:40

we get started with the interview, I'd like to thank our sponsors,

1:43

hum By, Verizon, TLC into

1:46

a d T. Now

1:48

to Mark. My

1:56

name is Mark Bardon. I'm

1:59

a professional musician. My

2:01

wife, Jackie is a

2:03

professional educator. She

2:06

was born and raised in the Bronx, New York. I'm born

2:08

and raised in Yonkers, New York, and

2:11

we moved to Newtown, UM

2:14

in two thousand seven two

2:18

afford a better life and

2:20

a decent education for

2:22

our three children. As a professional musician

2:24

and a school teacher, you know, we

2:26

were we were just making ends, me living

2:28

in Newtown, raising our three beautiful children,

2:31

and UM,

2:34

what it afforded us was the opportunity to be

2:36

with our kids all the time.

2:38

We we were

2:40

able to just get by without having to put the kids

2:43

in daycare, so I was home with them during

2:45

the day. We would all meet up

2:47

for dinner and then oftentimes I would

2:49

go out and work at night. And

2:51

it was working really, really nice and for us.

2:54

Daniel was our youngest, so I was home with him

2:58

most recently David's and Nat they started

3:00

going to school before Daniel

3:02

was in preschool. You know, he and I would spend all

3:04

day together, you know, and physically

3:07

it was challenging because I'd get home from gigs at three

3:09

or four in the morning from you know, I'd finished

3:11

a gig on fifty Street

3:14

at one o'clock in the morning and then have to break

3:16

down all my year and then drive all

3:19

the way back up here. The biggest indulgence. I would

3:21

occasionally allow myself to stop for those

3:24

two slices of pizza fifty nine Street on my

3:26

home, and then the car bomb

3:28

would hit me somewhere around six four and

3:30

I would sometimes have to pull over and sleep for fifteen

3:32

minutes. All

3:35

that changed on the morning

3:37

of December two

3:40

thousand twelve. In those

3:42

days, James was in at

3:44

Newtown Middle School and

3:47

Natalie was at Read Intermediate

3:49

School, and then Daniel was in

3:52

the first grade. It just started first grade that

3:54

fall. Um at Newtown at

3:56

them at San dieoge Elementary School. But

3:59

on that morning, it was a Friday morning, December

4:02

fourteenth, it was Christmas season and

4:05

the first time ever

4:08

that As I was walking James

4:11

to the bus, we had just got

4:13

out the door of the house and I hear a little footsteps behind

4:15

us. It was Daniel. He's running up behind

4:17

me and his pajamas and he put flip flop

4:19

size a littleeet and I said, dude, what are you doing up? It's

4:22

you know, it's still dark. He said,

4:24

I want to walk walk Uh. I

4:26

want to walk with you guys to the bus so I can hug James

4:28

and kis him and tell him I love him. So

4:30

we walked James to the bus and he he

4:33

he fist tuned him with affection and love,

4:36

and we walked back to the house and he said, you

4:38

know it's still dark, it's way early. You want

4:40

to go back to sleep. You have time. You can go back to bed

4:42

for a while. He said, no, Daddy, this gives us more time

4:44

for cuddling. So we got on the

4:46

couch and we were wrestling and cuddle and

4:49

we had turned out the Christmas tree lights that

4:51

we had gotten the week before, and he says,

4:53

Daddy, looked at how beautiful the sunrise is this

4:55

morning. You can see the reflection

4:57

of our Christmas tree lights in the window with that beautiful

4:59

sun mindes behind it. And

5:01

I thought to myself, you know what what seven year old kid

5:04

thinks like that? I said, you know what, You're right, and

5:06

I went down the camera, and so I have

5:08

this picture now of that morning. That beautiful

5:11

sunrise was peach colored orange

5:13

and pink and with a little reflection

5:15

as Daniel had noticed of our Christmas tree lights. I

5:17

will spend every minute of my life wishing

5:19

I had taken a picture of Daniel, but

5:21

I didn't. Two

5:26

days ago, I

5:29

was sweeping the kitchen floor and

5:31

I was sweeping up this little broken piece of spaghetti,

5:34

and I said to my wife, Jackie, this is

5:36

from that fucking thing that James was trying to demonstrate

5:39

that if you break a piece of pasta, it

5:41

never breaks in two pieces. There was little

5:43

shards of pasta all over the floor

5:45

that I thought I had picked up, and I thought I had picked up,

5:47

and I thought I picked up, and I kept finding one morning, kept finding

5:50

one more. And so the other day

5:52

I said to Jackie I said, I think I finally have

5:54

extracted the last piece of this. Do

5:56

you want to know what's fucked up in my head? This

5:58

stupid little broken piece suppostor God forbid

6:01

anything would ever take James

6:03

away from this, that this thing would take on

6:05

a whole new meeting, and it would be this precious

6:07

thing that I would probably store away and say forever.

6:11

Back to the morning, and so

6:13

we got back to the house and just

6:16

the two of us now and out of the middle

6:18

of nowhere, he asked me to show him something

6:20

on the piano. And so this morning,

6:23

December four ten, two thousands, well, it

6:25

became very important to him for me to show him how

6:27

to play something on the piano. So he sat

6:29

down at the piano, and he wanted to make sure

6:32

he was sitting properly, as posture was correct,

6:34

and he's holding the lamps the right way. And so

6:36

I just showed him the

6:37

the the chorus

6:39

of Genial Mouse, which he was able to play beautifully,

6:41

and I thought he

6:48

did a beautiful job with it. And then it was time to walk to

6:50

the bus. I had played

6:52

a corporate Christmas party the night before, and I

6:54

was exhausted, so I asked if

6:56

we could replace our usual running

6:59

game of racing and tag up

7:01

to the bus with just holding

7:03

hands, which which we did. And

7:07

so I kissed him and him and told him I loved

7:09

him and I and I put him on the school

7:12

bus. I

7:29

started getting texts and

7:31

phone calls about a lockdown in the district. I

7:34

didn't give it a whole lot of thought. It was probably just a

7:36

drill or some precaution

7:39

everything, until

7:42

my neighbor Frank, said, Hey, what's going on at school?

7:44

I heard there was a report of a shooting. Crap,

7:47

So I fly

7:49

down to the school. There's a firehouse

7:51

out of the corner, and it's a little wooded

7:54

lane down to this rural setting

7:57

that I had been to dozens of times

7:59

because all three kids had gone through Sandy Hook Elementary

8:01

and has a stay at home dad I was. I

8:03

was in there frequently as a volunteer

8:06

or a reader or whatever it was. I arrived on this

8:09

chaotic scene like nothing I've ever seen

8:11

before, with more emergency vehicles and personnel

8:13

in one place and I've ever seen in my life. I

8:15

don't know if if it was the it was a bit of information

8:18

that was informing me, or it was my own

8:20

assumption that maybe this was some kind of a domestic

8:22

dispute, like a disgruntled spouse had

8:25

gone into the school with, you know, an issue

8:27

with somebody. They're starting to

8:30

dismiss kids out of the school very little

8:32

information. I have. Family and friends are

8:34

texting me and calling me like what's

8:36

going on, Like, I don't know yet, I haven't found Angel

8:39

yet, but I'll let you know. And then um,

8:41

you know. So they're they're they're collecting kids,

8:43

and that they had moved the equipment out of the garage

8:45

of the firehouse and they're assembling the kids there and

8:47

they're holding up signs by grade

8:49

and I'm looking at grade one and I'm not seeing

8:52

Daniel. I'm looking around and going

8:54

back outside and back inside and

8:56

asking questions and

8:59

at some point ain't um.

9:01

They said, if you know, if you're, if your

9:04

family, if you haven't been reunited

9:07

with your family member, asking you know, family

9:09

only to to join us in this room.

9:13

At that point, my friend and neighbor Melissa

9:15

Millin, was there to collect her son, Kyle,

9:18

who was Daniel's best friend at the time, and

9:21

she she had collected Kyle

9:24

and she knew that I had not found

9:27

Daniel yet, so she stayed with me. And I think

9:29

at that point maybe we had thought that perhaps

9:31

the principle had been shot. And

9:34

I remember gearing myself up to

9:37

have this conversation with this sensitive,

9:40

compassionate little boy, like, how am I gonna explain

9:43

this to him? This is gonna be rough. So I was trying to

9:45

get that conversation ready in my head.

9:49

Uh. And then that's

9:51

when they made the announcement

9:53

that a government had shot

9:55

his way into the saneog Golementary

9:57

School and

10:00

and shot and killed six

10:03

educators and twenty

10:07

grande children. And

10:11

that's when we knew that

10:17

our little Daniels was

10:20

one of the twenty children who would have been shot

10:22

to death. And

10:27

I know, for the rest of the world this is almost

10:30

five years ago, but

10:34

for me and my family

10:37

would have I was just

10:39

never I will never get

10:41

used to um

10:48

to coming to terms with the fact that

10:50

my little buddy has gone, and

10:54

then he's gone forever, and

11:00

that he died such a horrible,

11:02

frightening, violent death, and

11:08

then it was somebody else's choice. So

11:12

like, if this were a freak accident, you

11:14

can throw your hands in the air and say, oh

11:17

I did exactly what I'm supposed to do as a parent. I

11:19

put my children on the bus and sent them off to the safest

11:21

place in the world. Right,

11:24

So I in that aspect, there's I mean, it's

11:28

completely out of my control. But

11:30

then the back end of that is the other side

11:32

of that is because of the way this happened, it

11:35

was preventable, and because it's preventable, then

11:38

there can be something. There's something that can be done.

11:40

And in the early days, I mean, oh my god, in the

11:42

early days, oh my god, I

11:44

can remember my wife

11:46

and I literally just collapsing on the floor

11:49

in a heap, crying and sobbing,

11:51

and both of us exclaiming that we want to

11:53

be dead, dead, we just wanted to die. Uh,

11:57

And James and Natalie coming from somewhere in the

11:59

house and just in the floor and wrapping their arms

12:01

around us, and this reverse comforting mechanism

12:04

scene, and you

12:06

know, quickly realizing like, oh my god, we can't

12:09

do this. We we just don't have the luxury

12:11

of checking out at any level.

12:14

I am still kind of in this limbo

12:16

of my god, did

12:18

this really happen? Please tell me

12:20

that Daniel is still down in his room, down the hall,

12:23

you know, and I have to reaquainate

12:25

myself with this horrible reality still,

12:28

um so, I don't know if there was any

12:30

clear demarcation it says, Okay,

12:32

I've accepted that this has happened, and now

12:34

I'm mission oriented and on my way.

12:37

Not really, not at all. Actually, it

12:41

took this greatest tragedy for us

12:43

to finally wake up and say we have to

12:45

do something about this, and

12:48

to learn we knew,

12:51

but to actually really think about

12:54

and consider that this

12:56

is happening every day across

12:59

the city. He's in our country. This is happening

13:01

every day, and its people

13:04

though it's not noticed, it's ignored. People

13:06

don't take you know, kids

13:08

are dying in the streets of Chicago and New York

13:11

and Los Angeles and Houston, in Atlanta and

13:13

Detroit and across

13:15

this country to gun violence,

13:18

into gun related tragedies and violence

13:20

in general every day and

13:22

it's nobody's nobody's, nobody cares, nobody

13:24

makes any noise about it. But

13:36

there's like a deep,

13:39

steely Dancott that Daniel

13:41

loved that I can't listen

13:43

to turn that heart beat over again.

13:47

And there

13:49

was a couple of Alison crafts tunes that he really

13:52

loved, um

13:57

and we actually played one at his funeral. Some

14:00

of that stuff like, UM,

14:03

I find it hard to listen to him my

14:05

life and I kind of have a bit of a divide on that. Where

14:09

well, in the immediate she

14:11

wanted to move. She wanted to just extract

14:13

herself from everything that was painful

14:15

around her, which just is impossible. You

14:17

know, we'd go on vacations and try to. You know, it's with

14:20

you all the time, everywhere. It's

14:22

there, right, and you can't physically take yourself

14:24

out of that. However, there is a normal,

14:26

natural human tendency to do that. A change

14:28

her and setting in your environment and

14:30

maybe it will help. So she

14:32

invited the kids, would you like to move? And they're like, why

14:35

would we want to move? All of our friends, everything

14:37

that we're connected to was here, So that was off

14:39

the table. So we changed the house around

14:41

and she

14:45

emptied all the drawers out, you know, in his

14:47

room, changed his room around, and I

14:49

would torture myself. I have this masochistic

14:53

need to feel the pain, like I

14:55

want the pain. I don't want to be better, I don't want

14:57

to be okay, I want I want the pain I want to suffer,

15:00

and so I do. I torture myself, you know. And I

15:02

would go into his room because before

15:05

he could dress himself, I was in there with him every

15:07

morning, helping him get dressed and then helping

15:10

him dress himself. And I

15:12

opened it and I hear the same sound the old wooden dresser

15:14

would make. And I hold his clothes in my

15:16

hand and sit on his bed and cry and cry

15:18

and smell them and just torture myself.

15:21

And so Jackie stopped at all, and she took all the

15:23

clothes out, had her sister's actually pack up with clothes

15:25

and put them in boxes. So that's gone. Um.

15:29

But I had a little seat mounted on the

15:31

back of my bicycle that I would ride him around out

15:33

before he learned to write his own two wheeler, And

15:36

we had this ridiculous old bright

15:39

yellow football comment that he would wear.

15:41

And so that has his beautiful little

15:44

strawberry blonde hairs in it that

15:46

I still go to the garage and I

15:48

look at his little hairs and it's this tangible.

15:51

I mean, I'm thinking his little living DNA is

15:53

in those hairs. That's something

15:56

tangible. I mean, I know it sounds just desperate,

15:58

right. I went up with our state trooper up

16:00

to the medical examiner to

16:03

get more detailed information, you

16:06

know, because here's this kid

16:08

that I spent all day with

16:10

every day. I was so intimately connected

16:12

with every every part of it, and there

16:14

was this piece of his life that I didn't know

16:17

anything about, and arguably

16:19

more maybe the most significant part of his life.

16:23

Um and so there's more detail in that

16:25

that that the state trooper advised me against.

16:28

But I think I'm going to

16:30

continue that journey and and

16:33

and go for the rest of it. But that's

16:35

something I'll have to do on my own. Part

16:37

of it is that does that need to know just

16:40

for that simple reason. And then the other

16:42

part of it is absolutely to intensify

16:45

the pain, absolutely,

16:49

and it's hard to explain that to people. Once

17:09

again, I'd like to thank our sponsors for this

17:11

episode, hum by Verizon

17:14

TLC and A D T

17:17

H. Not

17:20

About the music, Mark

17:23

Bardon is a professional musician. This

17:26

is a song you wrote shortly after

17:28

Daniel's death of the documentary New

17:30

Town. It's called four

17:32

d G B. This

18:45

show was produced by Dan Dzula.

18:48

Special thanks to Kelly Kramer Andrew

18:50

Berman. Ben marks and of

18:52

course mark Barden