0:00

This is Frank Skinner, this

0:02

is Absolute Radio. Anyway,

0:09

this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with

0:11

Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text

0:13

the show on 812.15. We're live today, you

0:15

can actually text the show. We've

0:17

missed you and your money, I'm told.

0:20

So follow us on Exxon,

0:22

Instagram at frankontheradio and email

0:24

via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. No,

0:28

we have missed you. We, of

0:31

course. So,

0:34

what did I do last night? I hear you ask

0:36

me. What did you do last night? I

0:39

went to the OVO

0:41

arena. Oh, it's all

0:43

gone a bit Boilerman. Yeah, exactly. I went

0:46

to the OVO. I don't even know what

0:48

OVO is. I do, they're my provider.

0:51

Are they? Of what? Energy. Oh, OK.

0:53

I thought you meant ladies' products. Do

0:56

you know they give me a lot of energy. Do

0:58

they? That's lovely. So, me and

1:00

my child went to see Slash.

1:10

Not the guitarist. Yes, the guitarist.

1:12

We didn't just go to look at urine. That'd

1:15

be a terror. That'd be the worst Friday night

1:17

out I could imagine. At an

1:20

arena show as well. So far back.

1:22

What's the point? Well,

1:24

the screens. Yeah, that's true.

1:26

It's no worse than the snooker. Is

1:30

that what they say? As long as

1:32

you don't leave yellow on the bottom

1:34

cushion. Oh, Frank, it's disgusting.

1:38

So, you started it. I didn't go on about

1:40

the bottom cushion. No, I know. OK.

1:42

So, anyway, meanwhile.

1:45

That was the clay version. It's usually brown. Frank.

1:49

Anyway. Please. Calm down, man. What's

1:51

wrong with you? It was brilliant.

1:53

Yeah. You're familiar with Slash's work.

1:55

Anyone who isn't, he is the

1:58

lead guitarist with Gons and Rons. It's

2:00

gone, mmm. Roses.

2:02

Has he still got that lovely perm? I

2:05

was thinking this when I was watching him, because he's

2:07

got this shower of, this waterfall

2:09

of hair, black hair, and

2:12

a hat, and massive

2:14

shades. And it was

2:16

a big, you know, it's a, I don't know how

2:18

many's at the oval, but it was, it

2:21

was packed. And

2:24

I thought, must be lovely, even

2:26

in all this, you know, roaring

2:28

and noise, must be

2:30

lovely and cosy in there. Oh.

2:33

Oh, you must sing, oh, I'm glad I'm in here

2:35

on my own. My little head.

2:38

You know, it's not his little, it's a

2:40

phrase you don't often hear these days, but he's got

2:42

a little man cave. Yes. On his

2:44

head. It's cosy, it's got

2:46

the brim of his top hat, and his shades,

2:48

and his hair, and it's a bit like,

2:51

he might as well go on in a mascot outfit. Yeah. Cos

2:54

I was once the mascot of West Brom,

2:56

I was a thrush. Oh,

2:59

right. Yeah, I was a giant thrush. The bird,

3:01

before you asked. Hard to depict

3:04

in foam head form. Did you have a beak?

3:06

What a thrush, yeah, of course I had a

3:08

beak. I was a thrush. It's not

3:10

like a countdown. Yeah. I had

3:12

a beak. I don't know how much effort

3:14

these people made. It's very, yeah,

3:17

you'd recognise it as a thrush. It's only

3:19

like the spotted chest. What were your feet

3:21

like? They were large,

3:24

yellow, claw-like things. Actually,

3:26

I think I had football boots. I had like a

3:28

sort of mock football boots. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah.

3:32

OK. But for me, my mind. But

3:34

it's like that. I felt very safe. No-one

3:37

knew it was me inside. Obviously, I

3:39

know it's slash inside his shelter.

3:41

He says shelter. What

3:44

do you think he looks like on the inside, or is

3:46

it just slashes all the way down, if you see what

3:48

I mean? Oh, I think he would have removed the hat

3:50

and the hair and the glasses. It would just be the

3:52

same but smaller. No, you... What, like

3:54

a babushka doll? No, I don't

3:56

think he works like... He's a human.

4:00

Well we don't know. Oh

4:02

I think you both of us. Is it

4:04

a wig attached to the hat? No, not a hat.

4:08

Only enough, boss has got a slash hat, which is

4:10

a hat with the wig. Because

4:12

at this stage in the game, if I was

4:14

slash, don't go to all that

4:16

effort, just attach the hair to the wig with

4:18

the shades, have it all in one. Like a judge.

4:22

Like a judge's wig. Yeah. I

4:26

did think, how nice. Because

4:28

when I had that on, I must have

4:30

told you this before, people want photos when

4:32

you're the mascot. So I

4:34

put my wing around people's shoulders.

4:38

And for photos. For

4:40

the first 20 photos, I was grinning like

4:42

a fool and then I thought, there's

4:45

no need for this. So

4:47

I just stood stony-faced while I had

4:49

some photos taken with people. It was

4:51

lovely. Did that feel controversial even though

4:53

you were a little girl? Oh, good.

4:57

It felt like slash, I had my own little

4:59

private. I mean, for all we know, he could

5:01

be winking furiously at the front row. He might

5:03

have his eyesh- he'd think I'm having my eyes

5:05

shut for this one. Who

5:07

would have? I mean, the freedom. Really,

5:11

I respected and

5:13

envied him. And I

5:15

was like, oh, I'm asking him. Pierre

5:19

actually played air guitar for

5:21

the last track that we

5:24

played. But we're

5:26

talking about slash, so we can- Yeah, well,

5:28

I played air guitar a lot last night

5:30

at the OVA. Did you play

5:32

air guitar at the OVA? The

5:34

OVA? Yeah, I don't see much air

5:36

guitar at rock- When I used to

5:39

go to rock gigs, phase one, when

5:41

I went because I was just mad

5:43

about rock music, not because

5:46

my 11-year-old was mad about it,

5:49

I played air guitar all the time, and so

5:51

did every other man in the audience. I don't

5:53

know. And I know this is a thin

5:56

ice. I don't know if I've ever seen a

5:58

woman play air guitar. Does it look

6:00

to the actual guitarist like an enormous

6:03

invisible orchestra? Maybe. Eric Clapton. I interviewed

6:05

Eric Clapton, asked him if he ever

6:07

played air guitar and he said, why

6:10

would I? I play normal guitar. And I

6:12

said, you just don't get it, do you

6:14

Eric? Was that the same dinner when you

6:16

started the Homblailah? No,

6:19

this was on telly. Okay. No, not when

6:21

I Homblailah. You know, he did that. Yes,

6:24

and he was upset. Well, he wasn't,

6:26

but I come out from the toilet

6:28

going to myself, dinnily, dinnily, dinnily, and

6:30

he said, don't do that. No,

6:35

it was like air guitar. It was like humming.

6:37

No. What do you like, Eric? Just

6:39

the real guitar. Yeah, real guitar.

6:41

Real stuff. That's the trouble with

6:43

the modern world. The only, any

6:46

belief in the on scene is almost

6:48

gone. Air guitar is one of the

6:50

last vestiges. Do you have one

6:52

of those blow-up guitars? I find those a bit

6:54

tragic. No, I stick with air. I

6:57

mean, that is an air guitar, but

6:59

it's been encased. I

7:03

preserved air guitar. Keeping

7:06

it for best. Exactly. I don't

7:09

have my air guitar to get all dirty.

7:11

I'm going to put it in an

7:14

inflatable copper. Oh,

7:18

man. I can't do that.

7:20

Can I just say I adjust both

7:23

volume and tone on my air guitar?

7:25

Oh, wow. And do

7:27

pedals and nod

7:30

to Rodis and points to my ear that

7:32

it needs cranking up a bit. I

7:37

absolutely love it. But

7:39

he did a solo last night. I'm

7:41

not I am not kidding you.

7:43

It's the greatest guitar solo life

7:46

I've ever heard. And it

7:48

lasted it felt like three weeks. But

7:51

I don't mean in a bad way. I just fell

7:54

into it. I swam in it.

7:56

All the thing about being sacked from

7:59

the radio. of show getting

8:01

old, the

8:03

impending death, presenting

8:07

the Brits, that

8:09

thing I might

8:11

thought, that

8:15

barmaid in Wigan in 98.

8:17

All that, none of it

8:20

mattered. I felt like

8:22

I'd been cleansed by this solo and

8:24

then it went on even further. It

8:26

was a beautiful experience. I

8:29

came out of it refreshed.

8:31

Shriven. More than that. It

8:33

was holy. It was holy guitar solo. I like

8:38

Batman. Yeah. I was discussing scene

8:41

slash. There was one of them,

8:43

a moment which I think you'll

8:57

like this, Emily, in particular, but

8:59

a moment that one would not

9:01

expect. I certainly didn't expect it.

9:04

Is that

9:06

the lead vocalist, Miles?

9:11

I feel bad now. I can't

9:13

remember. Anyway, John. No,

9:16

brilliant. As Bob said, he's

9:18

got great pipes, hasn't he?

9:20

I'll look it up in

9:22

a minute. But he

9:25

was brilliant. But anyway, he's very Kevin

9:27

Baconish. And

9:29

he said, right, you know when you hold your

9:31

phones up with the light on for the slow

9:34

songs and stuff like that? He

9:36

said, I want to do something. It's about

9:38

he said, if you've got a pet, like

9:40

a furry pet of any kind, get

9:43

a picture up on the phone and hold it

9:45

up. So me and Bob

9:47

was all pictures of our dog. Miles

9:50

Kennedy's name is adorable thing I've ever heard. It

9:56

was kind of incredible. And there was there

9:58

one person sort of down the front? Well, I've

10:00

got an iguana, so I won't show. He

10:03

didn't rule out. He

10:06

said preferably furry. OK,

10:08

so he didn't exclude the various snake owners

10:10

in the room. No. I think a lot

10:12

of metal concerts have crossed you people with

10:14

pet snakes. But I think they have. They're

10:17

like reptiles. Do you have like 500

10:20

photos of your snake on the phone,

10:22

as opposed to your dog or cat

10:24

or rabbit or whatever? Well,

10:26

look how cute he is sleeping.

10:28

Yeah. The coiled serpent. Yeah.

10:32

There's probably people there that had

10:34

the discarded skins of their pets.

10:37

They're not very expressive snakes, are they?

10:39

I mean snakes. I'm talking about snakes.

10:41

Expressive now. There's a lot

10:43

of tongue action. That's mainly... They're

10:45

not very demonstrative, I find. No. But

10:48

I wasn't expecting that at a slash gig,

10:50

I'll put you some of your pets. But

10:53

we did it. Loyalty. I tend to

10:55

do what I'm told. Yeah. I

10:58

dig. And

11:01

the final surprise of the night was

11:03

that the solo, the encore,

11:09

featured Rocket Man. Oh.

11:13

Oh. Yeah. And I

11:15

still, I'd completely forgotten that bit

11:17

because Rocket Man. I

11:19

still don't know what that bit is.

11:22

We've talked about this before and I

11:24

refuse to look it up. So

11:27

I was singing, the whole crowd was singing it.

11:29

And when it got to that bit, I

11:31

instinctively went... Even though it was out and wasn't

11:33

there. Anyway,

11:38

it was a brilliant gig if you get a chance

11:40

to see... Oh, that's

11:42

why you were singing I Miss My Wife when you came

11:44

in this morning. Oh, that's

11:46

right. Yeah. That's it. Exactly.

11:50

Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. So.

11:53

That's how you learn that Mars ain't no place to raise

11:55

a kid. No. It's not what

11:57

he says. Cold as hell. That's what he says, yeah.

12:00

That opposes the swear. I just

12:02

allowing yeah, but when you're up

12:04

there on your own, You

12:06

know those is monitoring the swear

12:09

box. Which came

12:11

first. Space Oddity rocket on some on, copied

12:13

some on. So much that's all I'm saying.

12:16

I know read his own. I mean

12:18

I mean what would your guess based?

12:21

On to. I mean I would always has ever very

12:23

fast I need to says I just think he such

12:26

an innovator that I may. Be. Wrong. I

12:28

think it might be out

12:30

for thirty nine. Pierre Auger

12:32

both readers sell office Pierre

12:34

is really is clear not

12:36

been absolutely zero of i

12:38

can actually say and items

12:40

in the side of his

12:42

head rising up in Harlem

12:44

rounding my Moelis to powder

12:46

burns them. Sector

12:49

know, freshly Smart Me a real

12:51

Now disavow and slideshows Jack Russell

12:53

on a runner, wire rack. And.

13:02

Sank we have some clarification.

13:05

A cone and more. A. Question posed earlier

13:07

by any which was to

13:09

complete his homework. That where we

13:11

don't know anyone culprit anyone that we walked

13:14

I am first on the seat in the

13:16

Us has been playful climb I know. But

13:18

which hims us Space odyssey. You

13:20

know what else is like Moses

13:22

is this is chase. A Space

13:25

Odyssey or Rocket Man Similar same those

13:27

the census. Well known of us were

13:29

similar interests and we I guess rocket

13:31

money to guess them. spice on city.

13:34

The answer is just Featherstone says

13:36

Space Odyssey Nineteen Sixty Nine Rocket

13:39

Man Nineteen Seventy Two. Far. While

13:41

he was wearing own hate them

13:43

for use on time Bomb! Boy

13:47

was I wrong or should

13:49

sign over a loan for

13:51

me. I'm tired. Came from

13:54

task Emerge member tennis sees,

13:56

the brains behind radish soap

13:58

operas. Census alone. Love laden

14:00

lot of over the years.

14:03

Ah, the free he they

14:05

sent him in a hurry.

14:07

Bass and M C census

14:10

specifically titled and makes and

14:12

manufactured the soaps for each

14:14

of us weights. So M.

14:18

P. I want once yourself com

14:20

months has Piano Billy's shower

14:22

buddy. Oh nice.

14:24

A piano really? member of you?

14:27

My remember wasn't based on miss

14:29

hearing the when I'm. I'm

14:31

the as my support actor alone. When

14:33

he was announced by himself I should

14:35

say that as being valley and off

14:37

the bible says this one of the

14:40

people thought it was on a d

14:42

and the crowd sort out of or

14:44

is introducing Piano Billie the as they're

14:46

so Piano Billie The Wild West Saloon

14:48

Fatty and Mrs going to com I'm

14:50

sorry I'm what's your Sam. I've got

14:53

a while. The gentleman smoke

14:55

cigars. Him for her if is no

14:57

way of illustration. Of the San, this is

14:59

an Id Myself and bow. Ah goes

15:01

wild into the of from a

15:03

a lot of extra. Leave

15:06

that business t. And I've come

15:08

on your by can laugh at

15:10

under. Which are thing

15:12

is a reference to my dismiss. All

15:16

of us our think it said

15:18

withdrawals are can indeed lavender for

15:20

the elderly. Or

15:25

soon as I on the subject

15:27

of leaving. This is our last.

15:29

Every show at Golden Square Yes,

15:31

which is the building we've been

15:33

in says sixteen ease. Yes, I'm

15:36

not as emotional as it might

15:38

have A family. Of

15:42

eight when you go into Australia does

15:44

he go Now I'm unesco, leave my

15:46

job and. About

15:49

some. Yeah,

15:52

I sent my pseudo and we actually

15:54

move. An Absolute of right

15:56

down the absolute. A kingdom

15:59

of All. Station such as

16:01

The Kingdom of Bow is moving

16:03

to a point in Missouri. A

16:05

some said five. Of

16:08

yeah we get we do get em many

16:10

weeks and then floating ice version five weeks

16:13

and little it's called the Lands and the

16:15

new place is for a success and. He.

16:18

I cheeses love It is lovely. oh it

16:20

is lovely but we can. Five weeks cities

16:22

have a lot the all bull's eye Indian

16:24

when my way into the locker has suffered

16:27

minor fades out that show it to your

16:29

Id right or see what you would want.

16:34

With three dots and it's Hank, there's

16:36

no way I'm going out with radar

16:39

for this are just as large. Sweaty

16:42

to it it it as a snowy amount.

16:47

Of believe they receive the money says

16:49

I have to say that this ah

16:51

so. It was

16:53

i pray to salaries were due to read

16:55

the ad Three ex girlfriend was invited let's

16:57

see what you would Also. Have

17:01

a. Yes,

17:07

so the unless they're my

17:09

goals and square to die.

17:11

I see some. May

17:14

say that left me a lot. Your own blog.

17:16

three won't move and they have to build the

17:18

mouth. too high to remember has. Only

17:21

fine but just keep coming into

17:23

the studios and nobody no resistance

17:25

at regulation that as long as

17:28

he stayed on our allies we

17:30

couldn't come in. Oh wow of

17:32

Clinical to do the real mattress

17:34

and we may with a big

17:36

paid still missing Noted Fitness surrounded

17:38

by take away boxes here via

17:40

Paypal or kind well wishes putting

17:42

them them in the rank. Pie

17:44

upon My Honor Drone

17:46

outside the window feel.

17:49

One of those a business and he doesn't on us has

17:51

his life. He says I'll. Stay. Still has a

17:53

Michael Douglas in Nam was

17:55

fooling around on sale. Believe

17:57

Islam. Oh yeah. on that keep

18:00

going in you'll say to Cap every Saturday. Bye! Radio

18:03

show. We've got to sit in

18:05

Golden Square and broadcast to the pigeons. So

18:07

I've got to go and be trying now to

18:09

operate the desk at the lantern. Yeah. We

18:12

got a message from Richie Ridge who says

18:14

regarding the move to the lantern it used

18:16

to be NHS offices before a briefing overhaul.

18:19

Oh, good. He says having swelted in there

18:21

with broken aircon and broken loose it definitely

18:23

wasn't the swanky space you'll be enjoying. Oh.

18:28

Yeah, well we won't have the lantern

18:30

for long soon. We'll be plunged into

18:33

endless darkness. Now

18:35

it is a very nice place. They've got a

18:37

proper coffee bar. I

18:40

think we share it. There's other people. It's like

18:42

a fashion magazine.

18:45

Label. Man

18:47

reading fashion magazines.

18:50

So that's nice to know there's a nice coffee bar. I'm

18:53

hearing how great my ex looks when he's

18:55

just dumped me. No, but I

18:57

know it's nice. No, no, we're pleased

18:59

for them. We're pleased for them. It's

19:01

like succession in that they have a big atrium and

19:03

lots of those little gates that you scan through very

19:06

corporate. And I look forward to,

19:08

it's quite cinematic. You see it in a

19:10

lot of TV dramas and movies. The guy

19:12

trying to scan into the office, but it's

19:14

not working. What's happening?

19:17

I'm afraid there's been some news. A

19:20

man in a seat comes down to tell him that.

19:23

Yes, exactly. I'm glad we

19:25

get a few weeks there. So there.

19:28

OK. Yeah, look

19:30

curious. It is. If

19:32

I can get in that stationary cupboard. Don't

19:38

forget, by the way, this morning's

19:41

texting. In cafes and restaurants, at

19:43

what age do you

19:45

stop being automatically given a drinking

19:48

straw with soft drinks? 8,

19:52

12, 15. No,

19:54

I went out with Buzz yesterday for lunch

19:57

and we both had similar drinks and he

19:59

got a straw and I was like, I didn't. I

20:01

thought when is that

20:03

decision Mike? And also when do I get

20:05

to the part where they think maybe

20:08

back to the straw for that guy?

20:10

That drooling guy? What is a

20:13

straw? What's it for? It's the

20:15

idea of drinking from

20:17

a glass. Straws are becoming phased out

20:19

aren't they? No,

20:21

not paper ones. Paper ones

20:24

are disgusting. They get so

20:26

soggy. I tried to drink through a book. The

20:28

only place you see them often is down there. I

20:30

think I did that in the 80s. You

20:32

get them on fashion shoots a lot. Oh

20:34

because the lipstick. Well you don't

20:36

want to ruin your look and you get them backstage

20:39

a lot of the time you see them at awards

20:41

ceremonies and things. The ladies do like a straw. But

20:44

are they based on the idea that

20:46

drinking out of a glass is not

20:48

as easy as it looks? Is

20:51

that why it's given to children that they

20:53

might not be able to manage? Are they

20:55

sort of tippet all over themselves or something?

20:57

Yeah, maybe. He's 11 my son. He's still

21:00

getting a straw. Yeah, I got a

21:02

slap in the face. I got a straw the other

21:04

day. Did you? Yeah,

21:06

I did. Wow, wings of you

21:08

a straw. You better not. God,

21:10

Mr January on the firefighters calendar.

21:14

Wow, that

21:16

was brave. On

21:28

the internet front, I'm

21:33

giving the editor a chance to get in nice and

21:35

easy off that thing. On

21:38

the internet front, I'm

21:42

on the West Bromwich

21:44

Albion news site. So

21:47

all the latest West Brom news comes

21:49

in and you get adverts

21:51

on it. Obvs. Yeah. And

21:54

I've started getting a lot of Quite

21:56

raunchy ladies underwear.

22:00

And and.

22:03

A lot of ads for. A

22:05

pro Donald Trump Ccs. I

22:07

don't know what is what

22:10

does it mean to me?

22:12

Money order. They'll search his

22:14

thing. Well, I have inserts

22:16

to either of those things.

22:20

Since you got the might as hat. Since

22:22

you're here has a three year and

22:24

a new phone saying cause the only

22:26

thing I love more than Trump is

22:28

as loans or I should be an

22:30

iphone. Heard one of the things that

22:32

one of the tasered says yeah is

22:34

easier wanna make something you want to

22:36

make everything electric? Let's start with that

22:39

wall. Round. Mexico or

22:41

someone or something and it's

22:43

own. Odds are utterly Vermont.

22:45

They saw my phone. So

22:48

sense and said as well. If you want to

22:50

make everything electric, why not? When did I say

22:52

this? Money. Guess everything is

22:54

an equity motivated maidens get

22:57

rid of you know fossil

22:59

thing few over me to.

23:03

Assess keep an eye on. There were nine of an

23:05

era where I thought it will have many see all

23:07

day. With

23:09

it was missing from front. Is

23:13

just it's of football sides and Saudi

23:15

sisters. So to thing football fans like

23:17

often nerve as I understand that a

23:19

company would just approach a website and

23:22

say cruises. Put whatever. as we are

23:24

only what that the old underwear is

23:26

at sea. Or then it's

23:28

homemade. Own their homes, My

23:33

it on his way. Now

23:35

I'm It's a admitted time as

23:37

passed feel. Making it sound like it's put

23:40

together with this is of. Safety pins

23:42

and masking tape. There is

23:44

no. It's him.

23:46

Very lovely. It's arts and crafts.

23:49

Our car. It just sits

23:51

else unsustainable. Hum

23:53

Sisters. No sign a bully razzi.

23:55

It would still have style of bull

23:57

outside. I. We

24:00

can look at loner and say well this

24:02

isn't sustainable Emotional the I mean some of

24:04

it was always rise, some of it was

24:06

swimwear the. Worst on to

24:08

have ever seen. Go on. I'd love

24:10

to hear this as a trusted him in the

24:13

house I do know is. It was

24:15

it. A vending machine in the. Poll

24:17

was why I I was. So

24:20

you're going to say I saw.

24:23

Any retirement. Toll

24:26

on I was there was some friends

24:28

and I said this happens at isn't

24:30

it. I am. I read this, know. About

24:33

email us as as that that lending the

24:35

same and it had aids and it. Slide.

24:39

Like this is of Kinzer eggs.

24:42

Yeah, we're kinda surprise. Yes! and

24:44

wow, this wasn't a surprise moon.

24:46

You wanted something nice. For

24:49

be I good screen. Half

24:52

of it was transparent standard. kinda

24:54

set up a lot to get

24:56

mugged or the so desperate to

24:58

now and add a big sign

25:01

saying said of underwear. So

25:03

is It was like is he needed

25:05

clean underwear in an emergency. I

25:07

would say gossip. Maybe like a white silky.

25:10

Brief or something you might moon. That.

25:12

Oakland. fresh air, But

25:15

Ice Dance. The Egg

25:17

Pants. That there. Are. Nice

25:19

and it it was a teddy.

25:22

A. Nylon Teddy. Are you familiar

25:24

with an old and worn

25:27

ladies. Gotta have caught

25:29

beat from an egg, was

25:31

a student loan or. Less.

25:33

But it was. Stop stealing fabric that

25:36

I'm. Inside the egg got a that's one

25:38

of those who started. When you get the

25:40

times out of that circular thing, you'll never

25:42

get that bastion. Of

25:44

what's a study is a bit

25:46

lower he's eyeing. Yeah, it's emphasis

25:49

on my leg spawn and it's

25:51

it's It's like a swim. Slim

25:53

disease sold some see through his

25:56

sometimes swimsuit. our we'd like to

25:58

come with one piece. Impose on

26:00

the bottom hundred percent more. they

26:02

even many was a body. Part.

26:05

Of a lot nicer maximize that I was. Mine

26:07

are more. Specifics

26:10

about wire. It's

26:12

about my time on the Guy Seine. I'm just

26:14

saying they I see. No.

26:20

Mad. Skills.

26:28

Ah, Yeah, I'd say what I've never

26:31

tried. A the I'm

26:33

chewing. don't miss the

26:35

he gets in am.

26:39

A nurse and him machines is

26:41

see don't as a toothbrush. Said

26:45

let little plastic comb. Not.

26:47

Domes glow slowed says i'm you

26:49

are be add a need to

26:51

they look like really hard. To.

26:54

Tend to killing things like were

26:56

of of Breslin Mana Mcconnell didn't

26:58

remember that but that. I've never

27:01

tried it but am. I

27:04

will. I'd like to go out

27:06

for a noisy may a vending

27:08

machine saturday with my mouth freshen

27:10

supply and one of the mcconnell

27:13

to spice clothes you can have

27:15

a whole lot seemed policy he

27:17

acted as strong coffee from a

27:19

can guess. I

27:21

don't on if is located bristling with

27:24

phone shots. For. Us

27:27

other years of weird from

27:29

alfresco mom. Oh. Yeah, we live on.

27:31

I find a lot the so

27:33

that I thought I read even

27:35

scoreless. Yes, And

27:39

as terrorists. That

27:41

butler said the lie on me

27:43

and on the run. A nice

27:46

nurses periods. Is

27:48

it? Is

27:50

fair enough I said massive.

27:53

A reasonable summary. On the

27:55

we also have three to see when George

27:57

W. Bush took over the White House at

27:59

the treated. administration removed

28:02

all the W keys from every

28:04

keyboard. I

28:06

don't. I do you think they did? I

28:08

have heard that. That's a sort of

28:10

prank. Yeah, George W. Bush.

28:13

Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah.

28:16

Distinguish him from his dad. Think about

28:18

your phone, the speaking clock in Tokyo

28:20

and leave the phone off the hook

28:22

and charge the company has to pay

28:25

for that call. Is

28:27

that a great? This is still a speaking clock.

28:29

Does that still a 1250? Just

28:32

a voice that says figure it out. Nobody

28:34

thinks still the time sponsored by

28:37

accuracy. Is that a man

28:39

who sounds they got a sponsor?

28:41

Time got a sponsor. We got

28:43

a sponsor. What

28:46

time do you think this? No

28:48

jokes. No. No

28:51

sponsor. Oh, don't worry. The ocean.

28:53

The only thing you can

28:55

get sponsors. Yeah. I

28:57

mean, but that's ridiculous. Time can get on and

28:59

wake up. I would love it if that was

29:01

sort of led into everyday conversation. Sorry. Excuse me.

29:03

Do you have the time for the back? You're

29:06

just as you ask. Yeah, it

29:08

could happen. I'm talking

29:10

about the accuracy. Call this. I

29:13

speak casually about the Alvo Arena.

29:15

It's true. Yeah. And the

29:17

caribou cop and all that. I just mentioned

29:20

the vending machine in Blackpool that sells

29:22

underwear. Yeah. They've got some

29:24

money to throw away. We don't

29:26

know who sold coins. We don't

29:28

know who operates that, but it's

29:30

probably the mafia. No, you know

29:32

what? It might be

29:34

on the National Trust. It's that old toss

29:36

of a coin. Do

29:41

you remember the man who used to read the time?

29:44

He was a very whenever I had I

29:46

couldn't ring the time for that reason, because

29:49

it so sounded like one of my

29:51

parents friends in Doctor Who. Do you remember

29:54

how actually the third stroke? All right. Yeah.

29:57

You don't have luck. So I'm going

29:59

to get discovered. The time was sponsored

30:01

by the chorus. Peter Brooks

30:04

gonna want another time and here they

30:06

should say, Who is this

30:08

guy? Have

30:11

you heard the time? The previous

30:14

credits include, Toilets and Cressons

30:17

and the time. As himself.

30:21

Oh, it's like being the ring,

30:24

voice of the ring. Anthony

30:26

Howard I believe was the voice of the ring. A

30:29

very fine Shakespearean actor, who

30:31

I saw in both the second and the third. But

30:35

as the ring he went, Oh,

30:39

I can't believe it. Time. No

30:53

big drinks. I've seen

30:55

a lot of big

30:57

pints last night at the Slash

31:00

gig. Pints are so

31:02

big aren't they? No wonder people

31:04

drink them, I'm

31:06

gonna carry it around for very long. You wouldn't

31:08

have a pint of any other drink. Carry on

31:10

your fat goth maybe. Right.

31:13

Anyway. You wouldn't have a pint of any

31:16

other drink. Well you

31:18

say that. You have

31:20

an up dine with piano

31:22

Billy here. What is piano

31:24

Billy like? Pints of any

31:27

diet coke. Really? Pints of

31:29

diet coke. Oh Donald

31:31

Trump. He likes

31:33

a diet coke. And lingerie. He's

31:37

here, he's directly... Yeah, he's here. The

31:41

best bras. Terrible

31:44

fabric though. Terrible fabric.

31:47

Terrible legs. I like

31:49

them. Good pants. I like

31:51

when it's over I spell it OVA.

31:56

Okay so um... Okay. I

31:58

don't think he's ever done any spelling. go.

32:02

He has people for spelling. Yeah. Anna

32:04

Banana sends us a tweet that says,

32:06

any good April Fools prank this year,

32:08

my friend and loyal reader tried to

32:11

get me this year by saying she'd

32:13

seen Emily and Ray in our local

32:15

park in York. Quote,

32:17

looks like they're setting up for a podcast

32:19

and then something about Dame Judi Dench and

32:22

an Alsatian. Oh,

32:24

I love that April Fools.

32:27

Yeah. We were in York

32:30

recently, me and Peter. Why you? Did

32:33

you not do one of your famous April Fools?

32:35

No, I didn't do one. Because previous

32:37

years, just FYI, our readers will

32:39

be familiar with these absolute classics.

32:42

Yes, I didn't. I

32:45

was away this week. Oh,

32:47

Paris. But Frank,

32:49

it has done in the past, his

32:52

back cataloging clues. Well, my most shocking

32:56

and unsuccessful one was when I told

32:58

my partner that I was going to

33:00

do a TV show with Gokh Wam

33:03

in which I wore avant-garde

33:05

outfits, walked around northern towns

33:08

and cities with him. And

33:10

we noted the responses of

33:12

the locals. And it was

33:14

called, Why are you wearing

33:16

that? And

33:19

she said, you're

33:21

not the person I thought you were.

33:24

I feel like I might have to split up with you.

33:31

So that one was a mistake. Normally

33:33

when a prank backfires, it's that, you

33:35

know, the wrong person got hit with

33:38

a custard pie. Yeah, exactly. I still

33:41

think, why are you wearing that

33:43

with a better April Fool than

33:45

you shouting down the stairs, the

33:48

toilets broken, the

33:50

toilet seats broken. And then and also

33:52

you had somebody stolen

33:54

the car. Yes, that was my son did

33:57

a great one with when I scratched.

34:00

my car. I just touched

34:02

this barrier, this terrible narrow

34:04

road in... No

34:07

power from me. Yeah, terrible narrow

34:10

road which I tried to avoid and

34:12

I just touched, just with the sort

34:14

of rubber I thought... Is it the

34:16

ball ofs right? Yeah. And

34:19

then Bob said to me, if he's

34:21

seen the car it got a massive great scratch

34:23

on me. And I

34:25

thought, oh man, what is that going to cost?

34:27

And then it was a sticker from the beaner

34:30

that he put on it. I think I have

34:32

one of those, Matt, haven't they? A sticker of

34:34

a scratch. Yeah. Not yet. Obviously,

34:37

if it had been Nasha, I

34:40

wouldn't have thought... Oh, that's Nasha.

34:42

That's unusual, like that's a comment.

34:45

Of course it was a sticker of a

34:47

scratch. It's the Jackson's Lane

34:49

board. What do you think of one

34:51

of these people who sees like Jesus

34:53

in a... shadow? Yeah.

34:55

That's the very idea. You have been

34:57

in Paris. In fact, I've

35:00

changed you. I remember. I can't remember.

35:02

I can't remember. Oh, it's Gatos. Oh,

35:05

Mr. Well, they

35:07

had cake at breakfast

35:09

with the Mickey Mouse

35:11

head on it. Okay.

35:14

On it? Did

35:16

you get what I got? You can get change

35:18

these days, Disneyland. Not back in the day

35:20

when I was there and they had the

35:22

Asanteau, the ashtray, Mickey

35:24

Mouse ashtray. I had a great... In

35:27

France. Oh, really? Yes,

35:29

in Disneyland Paris they had a Mickey Mouse ashtray.

35:32

God, that's lovely. A

35:34

sombreé pour les enfants? Well,

35:36

we were talking to

35:38

a person who worked

35:40

there, who we got

35:42

to... What was it called?

35:45

Michael Mouse. No, he was a Frenchman

35:47

called... A Frenchman? Michel

35:50

Suri. And Fabrice

35:52

was talking about something and I said, oh

35:54

yeah, I did a gig there and Kat

35:56

said, yeah, he's a... Frank's

35:58

a comedian. And he

36:01

said, yes I know, Mickey

36:03

Mouse recognised him. What?

36:05

What? Frank

36:15

Skitter, Frank Skitter, absolute

36:17

radio. So,

36:21

yes, I was at Euro

36:24

Disney, Disneyland Paris, whatever it's

36:26

currently called, last week.

36:29

I stayed in the Spider-Man suite. Yes,

36:33

I bought the slippers home.

36:37

I can't quite marry that

36:40

combination of fanciness and Frenchness of

36:42

Spider-Man. I'm sure we have

36:44

a few of the Spider-Man suits. Only

36:48

the best. Oh God, the Avengers

36:50

logo on the soap. And

36:53

a big picture of, behind the bed,

36:56

a picture above your headboard,

36:58

a big picture of Spider-Man swinging above

37:02

the Daily Bugle building. And

37:04

you could, there was a light on it, so

37:07

you could backlight it. So you

37:09

know, I mean, I

37:11

struck on the Frank. You know that's my,

37:14

one of my problems I have is a themed

37:16

bedroom. Any themed

37:19

hotel, I actually can't bear it,

37:21

like it's chocolate themed. It's

37:23

like, keep, stay out of my luxury.

37:26

Oh, I see, I'm so happy in the Spider-Man

37:28

suite. Really? But red and blue for life. Well,

37:32

the last time we went, which was a long time

37:34

ago, was the Tinkerbell suite. I

37:36

can live with that. Tinkerbell, I can, but

37:39

red and blue and net. It's

37:41

not my idea of luxury, were they meting?

37:43

Were they cobwebs in the corners and things?

37:45

Yeah, now that's my bedroom. That's

37:49

mine, mine's slightly spider themed.

37:53

Now what this guy actually said to me,

37:55

what about this, you know when people said

37:57

there's a lot to unpack in that sentence?

38:00

Yes. When he

38:02

said I was recognised by...

38:04

Mickey Mouse. Yeah. He

38:06

said, yes,

38:09

Mickey Mouse recognised him. She

38:12

said he was a big

38:14

English comedian and I thought,

38:16

no. She? So she was

38:19

an English, I

38:21

don't know any kids listening, put your fingers in

38:23

your ears, but she was an English lady. He's

38:26

got in the mouth. Oh,

38:29

he shouldn't have revealed that really.

38:31

No, but you know, we

38:34

got a bit careful. You don't get that in

38:36

LA. The French, you know, much more honest about these

38:38

things. Yes, but it's very, very good

38:40

man. I believe in telling children the

38:42

truth. But it was interesting as I

38:45

left the Mickey Mouse photo

38:47

opportunity, Mickey

38:50

shook my hands with tremendous gusto

38:53

and I never quite understood why.

38:55

Only later. Yeah. She was

38:58

a bit of a fan. So

39:00

Mickey was over familiar. Yeah. Well,

39:02

Mickey kissed my sister in law.

39:05

Really? It's great because we're

39:07

taking photos obviously because the kids was with

39:09

Mickey and stuff. And she's

39:11

got a picture when Mickey

39:13

ran close to the camera.

39:15

Really terrifying. Right. And Mickey?

39:18

Oh man, it's just the

39:20

face of Mickey. I love

39:22

Mickey Mouse. I know people

39:24

are against the Disney

39:26

thing, but Mickey Mouse. I mean

39:29

years, the years to struggle off

39:31

that vermin label.

39:35

It was a brilliant rebrand.

39:38

Yeah. Did you see Pete?

39:41

No, Pete wasn't there. I didn't see

39:43

Pete. Pete's not. He's not called. Can

39:46

I just say, I haven't got long

39:48

left on this show. Yeah. That's

39:51

what I was going to say. I can

39:54

tell. I've told before, I'll tell it very

39:56

quickly. The story about someone I knew was

39:58

working with Ry Kood and... the

40:01

musician and Rycuda's agent

40:03

came in and said you've had

40:05

a million dollars offer

40:07

to play at Disneyland

40:10

Paris and Rycuda said I

40:13

don't twang for the mouse. Did

40:15

you see, asks Ruth Jordan, the story

40:17

this week about Lulu not speaking

40:19

before noon? Yes,

40:32

I did say that.

40:35

She doesn't get up to one. Ruth

40:38

says does anyone on the team think they could manage

40:41

to do this? Well we'll

40:43

soon find out. Yeah, that's a dis

40:45

maybe. Why

40:48

did she not speak before noon

40:50

then? Because she's preserving her amazing

40:52

voice. She has

40:54

got a great voice Lulu. There's

40:56

a story about Lulu which I

40:58

can't tell because he's got swear.

41:00

I could cut the swearing out.

41:02

Why don't you? So

41:05

I did Lulu. Lulu

41:08

did a one of those audience

41:10

with Lulu's and I came on

41:12

dressed as Lulu in the

41:14

60s with the wig

41:16

and everything. Did you

41:19

recognize herself? I

41:21

think she did yeah. She laughed.

41:24

Did you have the patent boot?

41:26

I can't remember now but I had

41:28

the fringe you know the redhead fringe

41:30

and it's like a big stock

41:33

on flower on the I think it was

41:35

based on an actual thing she wore. Anyway

41:38

on the Monday I got a

41:41

call. I didn't recognize

41:43

the number and I said and she said

41:45

is that Frank? I said

41:47

it's Lulu. She said

41:49

Frank I just wanted to say thank you

41:51

so much. Thank you so much

41:53

for coming. It's such a pleasure and I could

41:56

hear a bit of noise in

41:58

the background. She

42:01

said no, really it was such a...

42:04

I'm on my fucking phone!

42:07

And I... Can I just see? And

42:10

it was like a real broad glass. I wanna

42:12

have fun! With

42:15

a bit of swearing, innit? And

42:17

I saw good old Lou, I still got the voice.

42:21

Cos it was two minutes past twelve, she called me.

42:26

No, I think actors do

42:28

it as well. Unless I

42:30

say they don't do much. But

42:33

I think that... Yeah,

42:35

I mean, when they're working in the

42:37

evenings, I mean... They preserve the

42:39

voice? Yeah, I think they

42:41

often don't. Can you do it when

42:44

you have one of your gigs? One of your little gigs? Ideal

42:47

to get a job at Disneyland, inside one

42:49

of the suits. Oh,

42:51

yeah. Completely silent. Are you done again with children with

42:53

me? I mean, if that

42:55

happened, I'd tell them it would be at

42:57

home. You know what's less frightening? A giant

42:59

rat that runs a car. Dangerous

43:03

rides and... Why

43:06

do they make... Oh, they don't like those rides.

43:09

I went on Beaks on

43:11

the Mountain. Yeah. They were. And I

43:13

don't normally do the... You know, the scary ones.

43:15

How did you find it? Why

43:18

does everyone hold their hands in the air? What's

43:20

that about? Oh, I can't bear it. Cos they

43:22

just don't care. OK. What is it

43:24

to show how daring they are? I don't

43:26

know. It's like, look, no hands. Yeah. But,

43:29

yeah, when I was on it, there was a

43:31

bit where we were going... You go into utter

43:33

darkness and all you can hear is the really

43:36

loud rattling of the thing on the

43:38

rails and screaming. And I

43:40

remember thinking, I don't know

43:43

why people like this. I don't

43:45

either. But, you know, it's very

43:47

popular. My nephew, who's eight, nearly,

43:50

he just goes on all the very

43:52

most dangerous rides and then comes off

43:54

like he's just been on a roundabout

43:57

at the local playground. Unbelievable. He doesn't

43:59

feel thin yet. I'm. Not

44:02

saying that. hands measly in his

44:04

lap and it's not the most

44:06

terrifying right? I went on. I

44:08

once went on the big a

44:11

big wheel in Paris to stay

44:13

in Paris. With. A

44:15

woman. I got out with him. We adam. Parable.

44:18

Route. On. The way

44:20

of a Main a Moose and

44:22

now with her her added a

44:24

surprise as tightening riding on sale

44:26

I wish I bought outside have

44:28

at the end go so far

44:30

as only sponsors of paper look

44:32

at hop they have led me

44:35

on earth and obviously we didn't

44:37

buy but now I wish or

44:39

that would be framed on my

44:41

Wall Street with Saturday because that's

44:43

what the realizing see a lot

44:45

and it was that summed up

44:47

to you to select a T

44:49

won't Stop. The certainly about some

44:51

Disney I don't know it's cold

44:53

is it called is a lot

44:55

are so you rather than former

44:57

terrorists these days. Okay, well I'm.

45:01

You couldn't. Get. The the

45:03

seat plain black keys. That

45:06

as is is is sort of what you

45:08

mean does not have any real the has

45:10

largely I bought the whole family is l

45:12

bees little on allow suddenly for somebody said

45:14

to my we all had a as us

45:16

but like my brother in law was i

45:18

think lowry love. From the offseason

45:20

states. I love that full him and

45:22

stuff on in the com seattle was.

45:25

He didn't say prostate cancer was a

45:27

member. Of the I could

45:29

not get just a plain black he is

45:31

no them. Got the wizard half from our.

45:33

They all seems around the.

45:36

As I recently found out how I'd

45:38

say you want Mckinsey Time black going

45:40

on at home them with all added

45:42

pressure on felt like you know when

45:44

they all Volkswagen beetle were to someone

45:46

last. this

45:51

is frank skinner an absolute radio with emily

45:53

dean and piano valley texas show and i'd

45:55

trophies day we all live today so you

45:57

can do that we love to hear from

45:59

you Follow us on X

46:01

and Instagram at Frank on the Radio.

46:03

Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Ben

46:08

Harrington, Frank, has got in touch.

46:10

What, the jacket manufacturer? Oh,

46:12

I love a Harrington. Who is

46:14

your classic? If you think of a Harrington

46:16

wearer, who do you think of?

46:18

I mean, James Dean was in that seat for a

46:21

long time, but I believe young people

46:23

have no clue who he is. Yeah,

46:26

what, the red Harrington? Yeah, I think of

46:28

him as the classic Harrington wearer. I

46:31

didn't even realise that was a Harrington. I

46:33

think of them as black with the tartan

46:35

inner collar. I

46:38

think mainly Widley,

46:40

who was a mate of mine who always wore

46:43

one. As

46:45

we've already established on this show, he would

46:47

have only had one coat. Yeah, exactly. You

46:49

know, the guy in the Harrington. Yeah,

46:52

there you go. Concert reference. People

46:54

didn't have more than one coat. Yes, says

46:56

Ben Harrington. Oh, OK.

46:58

On a school trip to Alton Towers in the 90s,

47:02

my teenage twin brother Dan was

47:04

once quite abusive to some

47:06

Disney dress characters, resulting

47:08

in Goofy putting him in a headlock.

47:11

He's now an accountant. That's all. Ben

47:13

Harrington. A

47:15

great potted biog. What

47:18

I love sometimes... Do you think Goofy took him

47:20

onto the straight and narrow? I'm

47:22

going to call that email the power of

47:24

what's not included. There's so much

47:27

connecting tissue that we don't have there,

47:29

which is why I love it. Goofy

47:31

whisper to Dan in that headlock. I

47:33

love Goofy. Right,

47:36

pay attention. You're

47:39

going to become an accountant. Take

47:41

it real slow. You

47:43

need to sort out your life.

47:47

Thanks, Goofy. I would

47:49

go back and see Goofy and say, thanks,

47:51

Goofy, for helping me. Remember

47:54

I met you in Florida and

47:56

then Goofy says, Sacram-le! I

48:00

like if Goofy stayed in character

48:03

and went a little bit west of town on him.

48:05

Like, you want a good subject?

48:07

You want to get involved? Yeah.

48:11

Oh, Goofy. You want some? You

48:13

want some, huh? I'll give you some. Goofy

48:17

got... You know what Goofy was? A little bit naughty.

48:20

Yeah, you are, huh? Be a dog, Goofy.

48:23

Well, come on, Frank. We don't

48:25

have time to debate this. This was one of

48:27

the great debates. No-one knows. Pete was

48:29

the one that we... Well, so is Goofy a

48:31

bit of a debate. I think Goofy is a

48:33

dog, but he's a dog in a suit who

48:35

does menial work and clapping. I hate to break

48:37

it to you. They're all in a suit, mate.

48:39

No, Pluto isn't. Pluto is a dog. And

48:42

owned by a mouse that's larger than

48:44

him. The mouse isn't.

48:46

Anyway, it's an absurdist

48:48

world. You can see why the French have gone

48:50

in for it. Yeah, I like it, though. You'd

48:53

make the mockery of Nietzsche. I like

48:55

seeing the characters. I saw the bad

48:57

guy. Who's the bad guy from... Jafar?

49:01

Jafar. Yeah, so Jafar was

49:03

walking along, storming along in

49:05

character through EuroDisney. And this

49:07

girl went up to ask

49:09

for a photo and he

49:11

just shot her away in

49:13

character. You know,

49:15

that's a good joke. Yeah, that was great.

49:17

That's great. It's probably Slash. That's

49:22

the kind of... Slash is weekend job. That's

49:24

the role you want, isn't it? Oh, yeah,

49:26

rude character. You don't want to be the nice

49:29

lady with the birds around you. You think, oh...

49:31

Well, I'm looking for a new

49:33

job. And I saw...

49:36

Who is this love love? I saw

49:38

a nice little job this week, come

49:41

up, which is tour guide.

49:45

Sorry, you're going to have to fight me for this

49:47

one. On a Harry Styles tour. Yes,

49:49

but not just any Harry Styles tour.

49:52

In his home tiny village. In his

49:54

home village and you look at interesting

49:56

sights that were relevant. You

49:59

know when I slept in... Dylan com esses

50:01

bedroom yeah they the hate.

50:04

And three I in the room he

50:06

was born. It's it's that kind of

50:08

Amin and I need to get the

50:10

house in Old Emerson. Isis of a

50:12

seance with with this house is exactly

50:14

as it would have been in two

50:16

thousand and. Or

50:19

incest. Not grace and.

50:22

Shows that was not a smart

50:24

Tv There's no necessary Sky The.

50:28

Amount of Girl Scout it. Seems

50:32

the first I said race and

50:34

I signed home was in ah

50:36

key a charger in the war

50:38

effort and a land line is

50:40

used in the people are throwing

50:42

up there horrified yeah and and

50:44

googling land line. So.

50:53

Little thing about a job which the three of us

50:56

are fighting. For his which is told

50:58

I'd. Around the area

51:00

where. The. Styles Lad.

51:02

Grew off vs. It's

51:04

cold as successive village isn't it

51:06

which is called homes Suppose Is

51:08

that correct? Yes yes I'm since

51:10

so many sand sir have. That

51:13

says that. The bakery. Watson The

51:15

can I say on the subject

51:17

of fans I was a bit

51:20

disappointed to learn you know yet

51:22

believers and so thought after Justin

51:24

Bieber know that the. Fans

51:27

of Harry Styles? Cold

51:29

Harrys. Ah, come

51:31

on, that's rubbish. and or something

51:33

better than the Yes. So. I

51:37

trial Thursday. What would be a better

51:39

name is Harry Styles fans and Harrys

51:41

Harrys sounds like a sort of pre

51:43

law. Consensus Harrys

51:46

it's As Rodgers harrys our

51:48

own thought into it's own

51:50

soil. Council. Southern

51:52

Us. since Simeon Stein sees.

51:56

Us. since

51:59

april people who love Harry Styles so

52:01

much they sit on top of a

52:04

big pillar and refuse to come down

52:06

St. Simeon Stylitis in order to pry

52:09

and meditate correctly lived on top of a 50

52:11

foot column for 30 years

52:14

like David Blaine

52:17

yeah but with the soul yeah

52:20

so you get

52:22

on the tour examples

52:24

of where they tour are the is

52:26

it the Mandeville bakery I believe

52:29

where styles had a Saturday job to

52:31

be job be lovely yeah yeah and

52:33

the bridge where styles had his first

52:35

kiss well yeah

52:38

they say there's a lot

52:40

again to unpack here they

52:42

have the Harry Styles wall

52:45

and they say it's actually

52:47

a viaduct Roman

52:50

I'm gonna go into further

52:52

details it's a 23-art viaduct

52:55

the Harry Styles wall how

52:58

much kissing did this boy

53:00

do a lot I'm guessing I'll

53:02

see you at arch 7 no

53:06

no Linda's in odd seven

53:08

better make it ten yeah

53:10

he must have just come from our heart to

53:12

our kissing them do you think he leaned around the

53:14

sort of corner of the arting everyone

53:16

I will get to all of you yeah

53:19

exactly you're patient be patient please all

53:21

of your kisses are important to us

53:23

here I am

53:27

I don't remember my first kiss

53:29

do you is that a thing

53:31

that people remember oh yeah

53:34

do you want to share okay

53:37

was it a tremolo

53:40

viaduct I just want to check with

53:42

you off air what we think of it fine

53:54

it was very innocent let's call it

53:56

your similar your first similar age

54:00

to kiss sounds good. He

54:02

was a lovely boy actually, he was

54:05

a charming boy and it

54:08

was in the garden of a friend's

54:10

house in Hampstead, not far from where

54:12

you live now Frank. He

54:14

was charming and he

54:16

went to Westminster, I do remember that about

54:18

him. I had a real

54:21

crush on him but

54:25

I didn't really know what to do. How old would

54:27

you be? That's what we'll discuss all

54:29

day. I think you

54:31

can say, we were all

54:33

young, innocent ones. Mine

54:36

was very much spied up by the fact

54:38

I was wearing a gas mask. Did you

54:40

have a Mickey Mouse one? I'd love a

54:42

Mickey Mouse, that would have been great for

54:44

the war. He was around then wasn't he?

54:47

Oh they had Mickey Mouse gas

54:49

masks. Did they really? Yes they did, I

54:51

believe my mother might have had one. They did

54:53

it to make it nice for the children. Oh

54:56

right, we're going to pay

54:58

one from Little. Actually Little's

55:01

a Germanist here. No, no,

55:03

no, no, I'm not trusting

55:05

theirs. Frank

55:08

Skinner on Absolute Radio.

55:13

We're getting other people's first kisses. I

55:15

told you a bit about mine, a

55:17

lovely chap called Nick and Pierre has

55:19

been googling his family whilst we've been.

55:21

Can we say for anyone who was

55:23

actually not my family? Emily

55:26

was very reticent but there's only a two

55:28

year age difference, don't panic anyone at home.

55:31

I know. My first

55:33

one was, you know that thing

55:35

where sometimes I don't

55:37

even know who would do this but someone

55:39

organises a sort of disco for people who

55:41

are under 16 and

55:45

people go. I have no idea if that's a

55:47

sort of government initiative or

55:49

a local attempt to keep everyone under control but

55:52

one of those was put on and I

55:54

went to that and I went to one

56:00

of those and I had my first kiss

56:02

on the dance floor with a red-headed girl

56:04

who had to really,

56:06

really, really kick my thigh to

56:08

get my attention. Oh, I

56:10

thought she was climbing you for the kiss.

56:14

But, crampons. She kicked you? I think she

56:16

had been trying to get my attention and

56:18

I was just completely oblivious obviously, so she's

56:21

really full on like... Oh, so you weren't dancing with her?

56:23

I don't know. Okay. Not

56:26

deliberately. No, I don't know. I don't know.

56:28

I was oblivious. How did you go

56:31

from her kicking you to passionate

56:33

embrace? I just felt someone...

56:35

It's not a word. It's not a word. I don't

56:37

think you'll have to change two letters when she's kissing

56:39

you. I think maybe...

56:43

Passionate embrace? No. No,

56:46

I didn't say passionate embrace. You're leading the

56:48

witness. Okay, I thought you did. No, but

56:51

I sort of turned around because I presumed

56:53

that the person who had powerfully kicked me

56:55

in the side of the leg was a

56:57

man who wanted to fight me or something.

57:00

Yeah. Let's turn around. It was a

57:02

lady. It was a lady. Who wanted to kiss you?

57:04

Was it just a one kiss or? Yeah.

57:07

Okay. I couldn't deal with any more Kung Fu

57:09

moves to... No. Any more

57:11

kisses after that. I can't really. I

57:13

don't really have a... We played

57:15

Kiss Chase a lot at school. You're

57:18

aware of Kiss Chase? Yes.

57:20

So you'd kiss someone and it's a

57:22

bit like a tick but you'd catch

57:24

them. It's a bit problematic. You

57:26

would chase the girls and catch them and kiss

57:29

them and that was a good change. I

57:31

think they were willing participants. So

57:35

my memories are more sporting than emotional.

57:37

I can't believe that was a game.

57:41

Well, in many ways. And it developed

57:43

into... You'll write a

57:45

more physical game later called British

57:47

Bull Snog. Oh, I don't

57:49

like that. It's already a

57:51

game called British Bulldog where you stop someone

57:54

running from one side of the playground to

57:56

the other. And so the

57:58

girls or the boys would have a... turning ones was

58:00

line up and then you'd have to grab

58:02

them and then kiss them. It's

58:04

a long time ago. As they tried to sort

58:07

of flee past you to the other side of

58:09

the playground. Yeah, like I say, they were taking

58:11

part. They'd lined up for the game. But

58:13

who knows what the social pressures were. I've seen

58:16

Barbie, I know how the world's made. This

58:21

is Frank Skinner,

58:23

Skinner. This is Absolute

58:25

Radio. We

58:28

have, we should say as well,

58:30

Frank, can we share that off

58:33

air, we've been discussing...

58:37

We've been having an off air.

58:40

We have. Do you want to say what it is,

58:42

Frank? Should that be a term? Wouldn't it? Too late

58:44

now to come up with regularly

58:47

used radio terms. What a waste.

58:49

It's too late for a template,

58:51

mate. Getting the one off. Yes,

58:55

we were talking about the move. This

58:57

is our last show from Golden Square

58:59

where we've been for 15 years and

59:01

we're moving to the luxurious

59:03

surroundings of a

59:06

building called The Lantern. For

59:08

five nights only. Which is,

59:10

yes. It's not that far

59:13

away, but it's one of those, it's

59:15

the longest journey you'll ever make. It

59:18

feels like a lifetime away. It is lovely.

59:20

You know, it's like I believe they said in the

59:22

film Jerry Maguire when she looks back longingly

59:24

into first class. It's not

59:26

just a different class, it's a different life.

59:29

That's what I feel about The Lantern, I'm

59:32

honest. It does feel like that. We were

59:34

enjoying being a bit chaotic here in Golden

59:36

Square and the idea that was that we'd

59:38

moved to The Lantern and there'd be a

59:41

sort of tyrannical, like a mistrunchable figure or

59:43

something. I don't know how you

59:45

used to do things at Golden Square. We

59:47

do things very differently here

59:53

at The Lantern. That must be

59:56

tolerated in quite the same way at The

59:58

Lantern. I do hope you adjust to

1:00:00

our standards in your short time

1:00:03

here with us. Oh

1:00:06

well I love icy maître

1:00:08

d'ease. I'm viewing the Latin

1:00:10

figure, the mythical lantern figure,

1:00:13

more of a sort of the butler in

1:00:16

salt burn. I often say

1:00:18

salt burn, I understand this. Well you don't

1:00:20

need to, because it's quite a big character.

1:00:22

It's a bit of a road, isn't it?

1:00:25

A bit of road. Oh, Frank. It's

1:00:29

a lot of coronation streets. Never-date,

1:00:31

I honestly, I fast forward to

1:00:33

sexy bits. Okay, I'm telling you

1:00:35

what I would say, it's a bit of a trope, that

1:00:37

character. Let's say Mrs Danvers. Yes. Okay.

1:00:40

That's how I'm seeing Arthur Hansen figure. Yeah,

1:00:43

well, standing at the top of

1:00:45

the stairs, silhouettes as we come

1:00:47

in. Jangling keys. Well I went,

1:00:50

I just went to the toilet here and

1:00:53

most of this building now, Golden Square, is

1:00:55

close to the top. I think

1:00:57

we're the only floor open, this and the ground floor.

1:01:00

So I went to the one

1:01:02

toilet and one of the bolds has

1:01:04

gone in there, but they haven't. Jane,

1:01:06

it was like bit of a blanket

1:01:08

plaque. I thought this is just perfect

1:01:10

for the entry. Old man in

1:01:13

a badly lit room. There's

1:01:16

a real Indiana Jones vibe, where as we're

1:01:18

leaving, the temple is crumbling behind us. Big

1:01:22

boulders rolling down corridors. Anyway,

1:01:25

we have got a job opportunity

1:01:27

and that is the Harry Styles

1:01:29

tour guide. Yes. Now what

1:01:32

about, we've had 597ers got

1:01:34

in touch, regarding the

1:01:36

names of the fans. Yes, because

1:01:38

we were saying in case you just switched

1:01:41

on, thanks for that. Catch

1:01:43

us while you can. We don't tolerate lateness

1:01:45

at the land. Sorry,

1:01:47

597. Harry

1:01:50

Styles fans rather tragically are known

1:01:52

as Harrys. Yeah. What

1:01:54

a meeting that was. I mean, Simon

1:01:56

and Sotry. That was

1:01:59

a group of young people. women thinking let's

1:02:01

decide the names of our fandom but

1:02:03

the can just saying that

1:02:05

the Bobble tea shop does close in

1:02:07

10 minutes. What about Harry? Come on!

1:02:10

Off they won't. So

1:02:12

Simon of Sudbury one of our regulars.

1:02:14

Yes. He says it would

1:02:17

perhaps it be a great name

1:02:19

for a bathroom fitter but he

1:02:21

suggested Harry's tiles. Oh

1:02:25

yes. Oh you don't like that.

1:02:27

Well I can't see why they're

1:02:29

tile. What about stylists? Stylists

1:02:32

would be good many of them will

1:02:34

grow to be that. 220

1:02:38

has said super stylies. Super

1:02:41

stylies. I find you two very

1:02:43

critical. Yes well this is our

1:02:45

living here. Work,

1:02:48

play. Super

1:02:50

stylist. I'm feeling there's one there that

1:02:52

we're not getting. 740

1:02:55

stylistic. Yes quite

1:02:57

good. Okay. That

1:03:00

was an old book. And

1:03:02

then we have 164 Harry files. Harry

1:03:05

files. Oh yeah. That's Rockin New

1:03:07

York. It rhymes. It

1:03:09

is. Kind of

1:03:12

works. I find

1:03:14

it a little

1:03:16

unsettling. Peter

1:03:22

Sheridan has got in touch. In the manner

1:03:24

of one of your colleagues at... It's a

1:03:27

bit of an afterthought. I'm

1:03:29

thinking the initials. Yes

1:03:31

lovely. In the manner of

1:03:33

one of your colleagues at West Brom has said

1:03:35

is you still here? Which

1:03:38

is a bit sit down with Signe. It

1:03:40

is a bit. We

1:03:43

are still here. I think we've got

1:03:45

five more weeks after this. Five more

1:03:47

weeks. Five more weeks to go. I

1:03:51

would have thought... Five more weeks to go. So

1:03:53

you're saying I would have put that

1:03:56

in the category of things you sing

1:03:58

to yourself. I

1:04:00

thought I had something good to make. I'm a

1:04:02

wee scum. Maybe we should do the last 20

1:04:04

minutes of the show just in the style of

1:04:06

10 Green Bottle. They

1:04:12

won't put up with that sort of thing at the length. Simon

1:04:15

of Sudbury has pointed out. Yeah,

1:04:18

I didn't really mean it as a name

1:04:20

for Harry's fans. Oh, he's getting a bit

1:04:22

not. We've lost the dressing room. No,

1:04:24

they're turning against. He's

1:04:27

really turned. He's angry with me. I'm sorry, Simon. I

1:04:30

was going a bit off-piste. You

1:04:32

could have stylistics to be a bit

1:04:35

retro. I'm sorry, Simon, of Sudbury. Maybe

1:04:37

it's better for everyone if we

1:04:39

slowly alienate our audience as we

1:04:42

fade away. When we leave

1:04:44

them, not all the regulars one by

1:04:46

one. Yeah, exactly. We need a downward

1:04:48

ramp. We're making it easier

1:04:50

for them. Exactly. They won't

1:04:53

realise that till many years. Do

1:04:55

people who passively, aggressively break up

1:04:57

with you by just becoming increasingly

1:04:59

difficult and impossible? Yes.

1:05:01

Yes, we've all been there. It's

1:05:04

an incredibly complex text. By the

1:05:06

way, I had a look at some of

1:05:08

the graffiti on Harry's wall, as it's called.

1:05:10

What was it like? The viaduct. Was he

1:05:13

completely done it originally, Frank? He

1:05:15

did, yes. And then the local council

1:05:17

pointed out it was illegal because it's

1:05:19

a listed viaduct. It

1:05:21

doesn't seem to be any move

1:05:23

to arrest Harold Styles for

1:05:25

it. I assume he'd be

1:05:28

called in court. But some of it are large.

1:05:33

The picture I looked at,

1:05:36

the graffiti included, You Are

1:05:38

Our Stevie Nicks, which

1:05:41

I thought, really? Who's? That's an

1:05:43

odd. Yeah. It

1:05:45

wouldn't have quite gone equivalent to those

1:05:47

two. No, I wouldn't. Stevie Nicks. Turns

1:05:50

out Stevie Nicks is the

1:05:52

brand name of the underwear

1:05:54

vending machine in Blackpool. Not

1:05:56

really. With

1:05:59

the X. eggs, the nylon eggs. What

1:06:02

I like about, what's the name of the

1:06:04

place? Holmes Chapel. Yes. It

1:06:07

means that they've said that the

1:06:09

tour would include history of Holmes

1:06:12

Chapel. So what they're trying

1:06:14

to do is get a bunch

1:06:16

of teenage girls who

1:06:18

just want to hear about Harold and

1:06:21

then bombard them with local... Of

1:06:24

course it does appear in the doomsday book. What,

1:06:28

this teenage girl checking their phone for time? It

1:06:30

will be like... It will

1:06:32

be like feminism on Barbie, living

1:06:34

in a lovely pink... some

1:06:37

friends of mine once saw the

1:06:39

band Weezer. Oh yeah. Who obviously

1:06:41

did Teenage Dirtbag. That's Frank and Kathy's song.

1:06:44

Yeah. Well, obviously everyone in the

1:06:46

crowd wanted to go and see Weezer and hear

1:06:48

Teenage Dirtbag and go home. But

1:06:50

they knew that and they really left it

1:06:52

to the end. Oh, of course. And

1:06:55

they made the intro to one of their other

1:06:57

songs that sounded a lot like Teenage Dirtbag. Yeah.

1:06:59

Everyone would get excited and they'd go, no, it's

1:07:01

another one. They did a lot

1:07:03

of jazz, obviously, for us. And

1:07:06

so that's going to have to happen

1:07:08

at the Holmes Chapel history tour. Because

1:07:10

they'd say, and of course the Norman

1:07:12

Lord of the Manor was part of

1:07:14

the rebellion with Simon de Monta. Yeah.

1:07:17

And do you know who else was quite rebellious? Oh,

1:07:19

yeah. That's right. A local weaver had decided. No. Because

1:07:23

the obvious choice to do the

1:07:25

tour is one of the other

1:07:27

guys from One Direction. They're all

1:07:29

kicking their heels. They candy-crossed Zaga.

1:07:31

They could all be at all,

1:07:33

guys. Yeah.

1:07:37

Right. Quickly,

1:07:39

this is good. Harry Styles fans should be named after the

1:07:41

sweets. Harry Bowes.

1:07:44

Oh, yes. Harry Bowes. I think 072.

1:07:46

Oh, yes. Harry Bowes. Harry

1:07:49

Bowes. Yes, Harry Bowes. I

1:07:51

think 072 has nailed it.

1:07:53

Yes. Okay. So

1:07:56

look, that's it for

1:07:58

this week. Okay,

1:08:01

I'll answer this building here to hell

1:08:03

with this building. So

1:08:08

what happened to my no

1:08:10

delete guarantee? Anyway,

1:08:15

no, I'd

1:08:18

be happy to discover it to burn

1:08:20

to ashes. Frank! Oh my God! Not

1:08:23

with anyone in it. I'm in empty. Oh

1:08:25

my God! Empty, I'm saying. What if it

1:08:27

burns down now first? Phone

1:08:29

call from the police. No,

1:08:33

look, it's been 15 fantastic years in

1:08:35

Golden Square, but obviously

1:08:38

it's not quite the farewell

1:08:41

we thought it'd be farewell lowercase

1:08:43

f. Anyway,

1:08:47

Sarah Champion's up next. Do listen to

1:08:49

Sarah. We still love her

1:08:52

and our colleagues, obviously. And

1:08:56

wish them well at the lantern where

1:08:58

we will be delivering from next week.

1:09:01

Will you? Yeah. I

1:09:03

believe it's known as the Swinging Lantern locally.

1:09:05

Oh, I don't want to get involved in

1:09:07

that. No, I wish you

1:09:10

would like to be. But yeah, good

1:09:12

to know. So look,

1:09:14

if the good Lord spares us and the creeks

1:09:16

don't rise, we'll be back again this time next

1:09:18

week. Now get

1:09:21

out. Brains for an upcast movie.

1:09:24

Absolute radiance.