0:00

This is Frank Skinner, with Emily Dean and

0:02

Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 812 15.

0:17

Follow us on x and Instagram at

0:19

Frank on the radio. Email via frank

0:21

at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning

0:24

boys. Thank

0:54

you for watching. Please like, comment and subscribe. Thank you.

1:24

I didn't say anything. No, well

1:26

that's because you've got too much to hide. That's

1:28

way too much to hide. I had a

1:30

Faberge egg in my breast pocket. Can I

1:33

say zero to hide? No.

1:36

I've had that in hotel rooms, women saying,

1:38

I know what it's like with comedians, you're

1:40

like broken hearted clowns aren't you? And

1:42

what have you said? Just keep

1:44

going. Oh, Mike. 807,

1:49

absolute radio. I

1:52

like the idea that this guy had a comedian

1:54

at sort of 6 in the morning or whatever

1:56

time would get into the back of his cap

1:58

and go. I'm still

2:00

giggling and setting off little pranks.

2:02

I've met comedians, and I'm sure

2:04

you are, Pierre, where you think,

2:06

I wonder what occurred to you

2:08

to go into comedy? How

2:11

did you get there? But normally, the ones

2:13

that I really think that about are still

2:16

like that on stage. Whereas when they're funny

2:18

on stage and not off, then I think,

2:20

yeah, fine. You're not at work. No. I

2:22

think sometimes, yeah. They think, how did you

2:25

know? Yeah. How did

2:27

you know you were funny? I was in there

2:29

somewhere. Yeah. A private suspicion. It was

2:31

internally funny. Yes. Yeah.

2:33

Yeah. It's no good. Well,

2:36

get a nice house like that. Anyway,

2:41

that was him. That was my ride-in. A

2:43

funny thing happened on the way to the

2:45

radio station. He was a

2:47

nice man, other than that. OK.

2:50

But yeah, people love people. I like the

2:52

idea that anyone who's got things going for

2:54

them must have some deep inner tragedy. Makes

2:56

them feel a bit better about the world.

2:59

We all do it. Oh, we want

3:01

the darkness. Yeah, I do. You know,

3:04

when you hear about a big, gorgeous

3:06

film star having, you know, broken marriage,

3:08

you think, phew. I

3:11

thought their life was perfect. I couldn't live

3:13

with it, in comparison to

3:15

my own, which is perfect, as it

3:18

turns out. So listen, I told you,

3:20

at my New Year's resolution. Oh,

3:22

yeah. What was it again? You're

3:24

making a New Year's resolution. Was

3:30

to listen. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. How's

3:32

that going? It was all right in the car

3:34

this morning. Well,

3:37

so I went to a listening party. What?

3:40

At the weekend. Are you

3:42

familiar with the phenomenon? Doo doo

3:44

doo doo doo. A very, a

3:46

very, a very, a very listening

3:49

party. Yeah, I went to one before I told

3:51

you about it. Oh, where you sat on the?

3:53

Before I listened to a 75 minute album. Yes,

3:56

I do remember this. Well, this time

3:58

I went to Roth trade. which

4:01

is a record shot, in case you're

4:03

wondering. That happened to me.

4:05

I was in Melbourne at the Melbourne

4:07

Festival with a girlfriend and about eight

4:09

comedians and a bloke broke from the

4:11

crowd and said to me, Don't I

4:13

know you from trade? Trade

4:16

was not just a guy in our club,

4:19

but like a real hardcore. Trade

4:21

used to open at 3am.

4:23

What? Yeah. Oh

4:26

my god. I think

4:28

it was near a fire. I

4:30

don't know where it was. I

4:32

rather brilliantly suggested that

4:35

fire should have a

4:38

pub next door called the frying pan. But,

4:43

um,

4:46

so my girlfriend of the time went, no,

4:48

no, you didn't see him in there. And

4:51

the comedians all sort of went,

4:55

you could tell they loved it. And

4:58

I, of course, thought, have I been in

5:00

there? I

5:03

don't know, but it was, it was

5:05

an interesting, but anyway, that's not

5:07

where I was. I was in rough trade, which

5:10

is a record shot.

5:14

Oh, you know, the secret life, if you've

5:17

got the secret life when that comes out,

5:19

whatever the secret life is, and

5:22

you know, comedians hide

5:24

in. Frank

5:26

Skyno, absolute radio.

5:30

Anyway, a listening party.

5:32

Yeah. So that's what it is. It's

5:34

a bit like I found my mate

5:36

who'd been, when we all left home,

5:38

when we was whatever age, one

5:41

of my mates stayed, stayed with his mum and

5:43

dad till he was probably 40. We

5:46

call that Jen's at head. And beyond. Yeah. It's a

5:48

big thing now, but then there was no need, no

5:50

economic need. It's just what he did. So,

5:52

you know, it's like he paid like

5:55

five quid a week board for

5:57

about 30 years. ever

6:00

went up. Board is what you pay

6:02

your mum and dad to for your keep. Anyway

6:05

I found him up and had

6:07

seen him for years. I said do you want to

6:09

meet up? I was in Birmingham doing the gig and

6:12

he said why don't you come round my house

6:14

so we can listen to some music and

6:17

he said that to me like when we

6:19

were 14 he said that and that's what

6:21

a listening party is like basically it's a

6:23

version of that. So we went to Rough

6:26

Trade which is I mean a

6:28

tremendous record store they still

6:30

call them that. To

6:32

listen to Saviors which is the new

6:35

Green Day album

6:38

and I heard that thing about when you're listening

6:40

to music where do you where do you where

6:42

do you look? Well

6:44

you have to do you've either got

6:46

the Terry

6:48

Venables as you know Frank. The key tapping.

6:51

He did the key tapping didn't he? We

6:53

were all standing I should say in there.

6:55

Oh yeah that's awkward and if you

6:57

shut your eyes then you sort of think people are

7:00

looking at you going well someone's enjoying it. Yeah

7:02

someone's in a referee. Well I was

7:04

I looked around there was a lot

7:07

of just nodding heads. We should what

7:09

was when you were listening to Three

7:11

Lions? No no this was.

7:13

Oh this is the Green Day? Yeah those were

7:16

nodding heads because the team were falling asleep. Now

7:19

everybody was just there were still

7:21

people talking I thought that was

7:23

a basis still people at the

7:25

back talking. I

7:28

think if you opened a club called Shut Up

7:30

people would still go there to talk. Yeah I

7:32

think you're possible to stop. At least they went

7:34

there because they might think it was shut

7:36

up. Me and my partner

7:39

Kath we used to we used

7:42

to listen to new albums we would

7:45

lie on our backs on the floor

7:47

holding hands and

7:49

listen to like the new Fall album or something

7:51

like that in the dark. Yeah

7:55

like if you imagine a wedding coat

7:57

where the plastic couple had fallen toppled.

8:01

I was just thinking how romantic

8:03

and then I realised you'd be listening

8:05

to the child or the spoiled historian.

8:08

Well exactly, it was romantic. And

8:11

also when you get grey hair like

8:13

myself you can't really hold hands

8:15

in the streets it looks like you've been

8:17

led. And

8:21

usually led somewhere that's inverted

8:23

commas for the best. You're

8:27

a good friend. Yeah exactly.

8:31

So no I didn't. So

8:33

you loved your listening. It

8:35

was a good album, they

8:37

were very nice people. I

8:40

was at Rothtrade West. So

8:45

it was at Rothtrade West and a Rothtrade East,

8:47

but I was out West. And

8:49

do you get any food or drink at the listening

8:51

party? No, but you

8:53

got a badge, a

8:55

poster and a sticker. She was

8:58

a nasty club. You got the

9:00

badge. I didn't get a

9:02

badge, a poster got a badge and

9:04

a wristband to keep. You don't have

9:06

to put on so it's capable. Keep

9:09

it? Yeah. Wow.

9:11

But I also got, because

9:13

the man was so nice to work in there,

9:15

this wasn't, not everybody got one of these, I

9:18

got a custard donut, which he said

9:21

to me, it's a bit stale, I said.

9:23

I don't care. What? Just give

9:25

it to me. The fish are green day custard donut. Now there's

9:27

this one he had in there. I think there's a baker in

9:29

Exeter and they probably hand them over. But

9:31

anyway. When you say hand them over. I love

9:33

a custard donut. I like it better

9:35

than a jam. Why don't we get some? Oh

9:38

I love a custard. Well that's my birthday

9:40

next week. Yeah. Anyway,

9:45

when I have a custard donut, I got a

9:47

rush custard producer just, she did

9:49

that thing of kneeling, standing behind me and

9:51

then kneeling so my knees bent as well

9:53

so I nearly went to the ground. I

9:57

like to bite the bit. I consider the hole where they put the...

10:00

the costume in but I bite at the other

10:02

side and sort of play the game that I'm

10:04

thinking oh there's no costume in this one. I

10:06

know there is but just for me. It's a

10:08

self deception and

10:12

then I bite and oh

10:15

man the

10:17

best. Prove it in

10:19

on absolute radio. One

10:24

of my attempts which I met now in

10:26

the game to get into classical music which

10:29

have never been. It's

10:32

usually oh man this is

10:34

brilliant. I'm going to listen to classical on board.

10:37

Really? That's how it usually goes. I'm

10:39

more up with the opera but I

10:41

need to be at the opera. I

10:43

can't listen to opera. I need to

10:45

see stuff. I think you've got to

10:47

find an artist because I approach classical music not

10:50

like most. People

10:52

are normally quite generale I find

10:54

put on classical music. Find someone

10:56

you're passionate about and just play

10:58

them. Of course that can

11:00

be done but you know what I mean. I got

11:03

busy. And

11:05

also I read this book classical music 101 it

11:08

was called and it was like

11:10

how to get into it and it said when

11:12

you listen like and it said you start off

11:14

with the Brandenburg concerto by Bach. You draw the

11:18

curtains and you sit down

11:20

slouch sit upright on your

11:22

sofa and put it on

11:24

and you just you close your eyes. I was

11:26

the listening part of it got me thinking about

11:28

this. And you

11:31

just you sit upright and you

11:33

listen and you focus on every

11:35

scratch of the string and I'd

11:38

never listen to music like that. No because

11:40

you're not a serial killer in a Netflix

11:43

drama. All

11:45

the detectives. They're both to. Or Deron

11:47

Brown when I went backstage. He knew

11:49

I was coming and he sat with

11:52

his fingers on his forehead listening

11:54

to it's like Maria Callas or

11:56

something. He just sat like this

11:58

is how I like it. always sit in

12:00

my dressing room. Mate, I

12:03

have a biscuit, Darren. You don't have to

12:05

look after me. I have a biscuit. Just

12:07

thinking psychic thoughts. Oh, it looked great. I

12:09

wish I took a photo, but that would

12:11

have been a bit rude. That's the thing.

12:13

Whenever I hear opera, I think, oh, someone's

12:15

going to get waxed. It

12:17

does happen in the films I find.

12:19

Yeah. Well, as I say, it's like

12:21

a musical with PMT opera.

12:25

Anyway, I'd like

12:28

to know people listen to music who,

12:31

if anyone actually goes anywhere, if they've

12:33

got a way of listening to music.

12:35

A method. Yeah. Does anyone sit literally

12:38

sit in a room with their eyes

12:40

shut, upright, listen to an album? I

12:44

can't imagine. Well, we'll find out. We've got

12:46

some varied people listen to the show. And

12:48

lots of big music fans, so we'll see.

12:51

Classic music. I'd like to know. One-on-one, really.

12:53

I don't mean classical music. There won't be

12:55

anyone who listens to that, Robert. It's really

12:57

funny. It's really funny to me that there

12:59

was a book where they were like, I'm

13:02

going to write a book that's going to

13:04

help people get into the different culture. Inaccessible

13:07

world of classical music. And the first

13:09

chapter is, sit up straight, shut

13:11

your eyes and listen. Draw the

13:14

curtain. Why am I drawing the

13:16

curtain if I've got my eyes

13:18

shut? Already homework. My eyelids are

13:20

curtains of a sort. Fringed

13:22

curtains, like in a Wild

13:24

West cat house. And

13:27

yeah, I've got to do the curtains.

13:29

What if it's night? I've still got

13:31

to do the curtains. Why blinds, all

13:33

right? More block for

13:36

Bach. What about Venetian? Oh,

13:38

there must be a Venetian

13:40

composer. Don't bother texting

13:43

him. We're not interested. But

13:47

yeah, so I'd like to know

13:49

if anyone listens to, what

13:51

do they call it on here? Real music.

13:53

Real music, like that. Or

13:56

similar. Recently,

14:04

I spoke of my second courtesy

14:06

car. My car was iniqued

14:08

a few weeks ago and it

14:11

was a lot easier getting it back from

14:13

the thieves than it was the garage. Have

14:16

you still got... Don't tell me they still haven't

14:18

returned yet. They're waiting for a part. It's

14:21

like they're still there three months. They're waiting

14:24

for a part? They're still talking to an

14:26

old actor. Are we on

14:28

there? It feels like they should, in

14:31

the modern era, it's such an old

14:33

school problem. They should just be able

14:35

to download the part. Well, exactly. They've

14:37

got a 3D printer. Yeah. Any

14:40

road up. I'm stealing my Fiat

14:42

500. How are you finding

14:44

it? I braved it.

14:47

I actually... I know

14:50

a woman who's in her 20s

14:52

who drives the Fiat 500. No.

14:56

I said, can you give me

14:58

a driving lesson, please? Oh, we should

15:00

say because it's geared, not... Yes, it's

15:02

got manual gears and I haven't driven

15:04

manual for 20 years. Yes. So

15:07

I got buzz in the back seat because

15:09

we couldn't get anyone any bigger in the

15:11

back seat than buzz as a Fiat 500.

15:13

Buzz is my child. And off

15:16

we went. And I have

15:18

to say, it started to come... My

15:20

feet were way ahead of my brain. Really?

15:23

It started to come back to me. Pretty

15:25

soon, I was riding the clutch, cruising

15:28

downhill. All the bad

15:30

habits are still in there. I felt

15:33

really good about it, I must say. And

15:37

so, no more automatics for me.

15:40

Oh, really? Oh, man. I tell you what,

15:43

you feel like you're really driving. There you

15:45

go. Yeah. Six

15:47

gears. It's got six! I've

15:49

never had anything. When

15:52

do you go into the six gears? Hyperspace.

15:54

What is it for the six gears? Look at that fast.

15:57

It's a Fiat 500. A

16:01

sixth year! Wasn't

16:04

that how I drive over dead people? Now

16:10

it was, but I think it's something

16:12

that's true for me

16:14

of the automatic and the manual.

16:18

I still found parking

16:21

near impossible. And even

16:23

though it was a Fiat 500, size doesn't matter

16:26

in this particular world. It

16:28

still took me about 10 minutes to park it, and it

16:31

looks like something you could just pick up and put in

16:33

place. It's never been

16:35

your rock-o-board sale. I can't work it

16:37

out. I just can't do it. Would

16:40

you be tempted by one of those cars where

16:42

you sort of go next to the space and

16:44

press a button and then... Oh

16:46

yeah. It took me seven minutes to

16:49

park one of those electric hire scooters.

16:51

Yeah. I don't know what it is.

16:54

And also it's a very quiet beep. You

16:56

know they've got the beeps when you're hitting

16:58

the car behind the inside. Oh yeah. It's

17:01

like... I thought it was somebody's

17:03

washing machine in there. In

17:06

a nearby utility room. That's

17:09

what I thought it was. But

17:11

yeah, I'm actually thinking the next car

17:14

I get I might go

17:16

manual. I feel sorry for the

17:18

automatic. It's a bit like the

17:20

red squirrel. It's

17:25

been supplanted. Frank

17:28

Skinner. Hello radio. Frank,

17:34

I own a Faz. I

17:36

know you do. But you don't wear it in

17:39

this weather. You need some at Furry. Which I

17:41

donated to you. I got it

17:43

from... From Jonathan Ross. Bought

17:45

it for me in Morocco and tried to

17:47

haggle and ended up getting it three

17:49

times the price. There you go.

17:52

I own a Faz. Has got in touch. My

17:55

boyfriend must listen to about eight albums a

17:58

day while serving a book. Customers

18:00

in his record shops from Pure

18:02

Ethiopian Jazz on final to jam

18:04

her Ben Folds on C D

18:07

I listen to. So many

18:09

Ethiopian music recently.

18:11

Only advice of.

18:15

Your doctor now my a efficient on what

18:17

if you i got a new have to

18:19

send a slightly filibuster i didn't mention the

18:22

name for their like to offer tours thing

18:24

for of totally fall in love with two

18:26

bits on skis it to Bridge is the

18:28

optician you get to get this done. This

18:30

in other words from my heart when you

18:33

put your glasses or be a new glasses

18:35

they coming out. On.literati.

18:38

Personally my tout was you actually

18:40

have a discussion on his out

18:42

my child and a sister details

18:44

the sense that a linear members

18:46

ones that are cameras on raising

18:48

some pass me my toes say

18:50

yes or no ma'am and man

18:52

strange cool freeze ended up by

18:54

my toast and you get as

18:56

he get an A at these.

18:58

All these are into me. Know

19:00

those things that you've played me

19:02

glasses read they'd come in. That

19:04

case is no I haven't read

19:06

that one of net. Sales: The

19:08

I'm. A pirate. Trousers

19:11

subjected as the and others

19:13

what the survey to add

19:15

on Car and trousers Ah

19:18

Mack, Fred Flintstone, Dow Jones

19:20

the As. A.

19:25

Society of Says.

19:28

Ms don't spend as much

19:30

as a Fred Flintstone. So

19:32

lovely. Slowed down with yeah

19:35

saying don't Are you from

19:37

trying to have become super

19:39

smart down and festivals. Are just

19:41

get my pain seems is as soon as

19:43

we had. less

19:45

with some a rather strange could

19:48

choose is a pluto around i

19:50

know well as it usually works

19:52

for me in a quarry that

19:54

makes no sense he has adapted

19:56

for grabs visited once i'd say

19:58

oh i'm sorry stone gown isn't

20:00

formal enough. They've also got a 2-bit magazine that

20:02

you can go and pick up free

20:07

from the shop. Just for the

20:09

shop. Yeah. It's about 2-bits and

20:12

they're sort of, you know,

20:14

just men about town, women about

20:16

town, high fashion. Ladies' totes reviewed.

20:19

I feel like you're having a

20:21

magazine in a glasses shop. No,

20:23

it's perfect if you're trying out

20:25

your readers. And

20:28

also there's a podcast. There's a

20:30

Qubit podcast. No, there's not. There is! Qubit's

20:32

podcast. I see it's changed my life and

20:34

everyone I've met in there has recommended interesting

20:37

music to me. What? Yeah. Well, they've got

20:39

their own record label. I played on here

20:41

one week. I can't remember the name of

20:43

the band. Do you remember the band, Sarah?

20:45

I played the band on here a few

20:47

weeks ago because the woman in the shop

20:49

in Qubit's got a t-shirt on. How

20:52

many times have we met in Qubit? It's closer

20:54

than I thought. I'm, I pay. I pass. I'm

20:56

not getting anything free. Can we just say we

20:58

are not being paid by Qubit? No, no. I

21:00

just, when I talked about him before, but

21:03

then I met someone the other day who

21:05

also loved Qubit's and we just Qubit'd out.

21:07

Hang on, this guy's a tote bag. No!

21:10

You've got a friend! No! Yeah. You've

21:12

made a friend on the basis

21:14

of the fact that you share

21:16

an optician. Yeah. You know how people

21:18

go on Star Wars chat rooms?

21:20

Well, I've done it with Qubit. Hi!

21:23

Do you like Qubit's as well? Hold

21:29

up. You have pictures of us holding up

21:31

our brown tote, discussing

21:33

the latest podcast. Hey guys. Hey guys,

21:35

new tote just dropped. No,

21:38

they do. They do change the, the

21:41

art design on the cleaning clock. They

21:43

do on a regular basis. And

21:46

you get, when you get it, you get like clean, you

21:48

get spray for your lenses as well when you pick your

21:51

stuff up. Just saying. There's

21:53

something to say on the forum next time

21:55

you go on. But they seem to have

21:57

a hiring nerd policy, which appeals to me.

22:01

Okay. The

22:04

Fez Frank Frenovskina. The

22:06

Fez. Absolute Radio. I

22:11

think I

22:13

slightly crashed Iona Fez's

22:17

communication with a sort of

22:19

a long

22:21

Q-Pits chat.

22:24

Ethiopian Jazz. Ethiopian Jazz. That's how you thought of

22:26

it. Yeah, that was it. And

22:30

she was saying, is it a boy

22:32

or a husband? Yes, yeah. A

22:34

boy listens to 12 albums

22:37

a day. About at least

22:39

eight while serving customers in his record

22:41

shop. But again, he is serving customers.

22:43

He's not sitting in the room upright.

22:45

Yeah. With the curtains drawn and his

22:47

eyes closed. I just... that

22:49

level of focus. Yeah.

22:53

What about if you're listening to Focus? Maybe that

22:55

will help. Well, you're not alone

22:58

because... You're lying, you're lying,

23:00

you're lying, you're lying, you're lying, you're

23:02

lying. That

23:04

was a bit of focus. Welcome

23:06

to Friendship with Frenovskina. Louise

23:09

Ryan has got in touch. I

23:11

love the show. Oh, sorry. Clips and praise

23:13

him. I know. I don't know what happened.

23:15

I don't know what I was thinking. You

23:18

and I, Louise continues, have

23:20

very similar listening habits. I

23:23

too, as a teen, would shut

23:25

the dark green heavy velvet curtains

23:27

in the lounge. It's all

23:30

gone a bit bombard the wind. Yeah. Lie

23:32

on my back, tall speakers either side

23:34

of my head, and

23:36

listen to our new stack CD system in

23:39

the mahogany cabinet. Parents

23:41

out, maximum volume. Kate

23:44

Bush. Mm. Springsteen.

23:47

Oh. Tom Waits. And

23:50

you too. Ooh.

23:54

But you know, one out

23:56

of four ain't bad. Possible

24:00

Exactly the same. Here.

24:03

Is I Target are suckers for me.

24:05

I'll tell me what and for the

24:07

words over time. I think you need

24:09

to see my Billie Karaoke tracks classical,

24:14

Beethoven Same singer long as you

24:16

know how we're happy. Dance Back

24:18

to the piano. Am I think

24:21

it needs to be music that

24:23

you know? enough about that that

24:25

you can learn in detail as

24:27

yours. You know if humans learn

24:29

to play the piano and violin

24:32

or something. And since it's a psych

24:34

when I watch football, this is when I

24:36

watch rugby. I'd I've never played football and

24:38

us and I can see that they good

24:40

but I don't have an inside and for

24:42

as if I watch rugby I was made

24:45

to do that citing a wealth of ask

24:47

enough. Well, I've only recently realized that as

24:49

much football for. Fifty

24:51

years I've learnt nothing.

24:56

On honestly say sunday really don't let it

24:58

die as what can I at worse habit?

25:01

Protocol. A month ago so it's in

25:03

maximum die and nice idea. But what they've

25:05

done their that, drop their drop two or

25:07

three midfield and put on. I saw. A

25:10

dental out. That means I love

25:12

never know what it means and

25:14

everything that people have said about

25:16

three at the bat or plane

25:18

or whatever is an invisible number

25:20

nine of remember the terminal illness

25:22

I don't understand it either. Wants

25:24

probably a sales and goals scored

25:26

against West Bromwich Albion at the

25:28

Hawthorns Lies and I could probably

25:30

explain what went wrong on about

25:32

five of them. And that's because

25:34

he's been a major individual era

25:36

Yes, but use the are sick

25:39

or that was ago. I dunno.

25:41

Mop. And when they say yeah

25:43

look at the gap between they say

25:45

player. So while what difference is that

25:47

my as an ounce of fist i

25:50

would have snow was a sign of

25:52

wants to ah add. Someone making

25:54

wedding dress is for fifty years or

25:56

began to make a reasonable wedding dress.

25:59

yeah picked up something. At least now

26:01

what they would do. I've learnt nothing

26:04

from it. What? I mean unbelievable.

26:07

Watching the wedding dress being made going, oh I

26:09

see the gaps there. I

26:12

haven't been watching it casually. I've

26:15

been out utterly engrossed, reading about

26:17

it, talking about it. Somebody

26:21

asked me any kind of

26:23

tactical question. Not the first

26:25

idea. Really? Don't get it.

26:30

Frank Skinner on Absolute

26:33

Radio. Frank,

26:37

Ruth Jordan has been in

26:39

touch. Oh yeah, of course, yeah. I'm

26:42

trying to imagine what Frank's dad

26:44

would have made of Cubitt's

26:46

opticians, given his reaction to

26:48

Frank's brother getting a toothbrush that

26:51

time. And can we just remind our

26:53

readers who aren't familiar what your dad said when

26:55

I think it was our Terry who came home

26:57

with the toothbrush? We've lost

26:59

him. Yeah.

27:04

What times have changed? Obviously.

27:06

My dad never, I don't think he

27:08

ever wore glasses. I can't remember him

27:10

being glasses. You probably saw them as

27:12

some sort of affectation. What would he

27:14

have thought, read totes? Would

27:17

he have appreciated a dance tote? I think he'd have

27:19

been alright with this. I don't think he'd have used

27:21

the expression tote. No, no. They wouldn't have said, are

27:23

you coming to the pub? totes. No.

27:25

He wouldn't have said that. Oh

27:27

no, you mean that kind of.

27:29

Yeah. I suppose I do get

27:31

totes in moats about totes. Yes,

27:33

yeah. By the way, when did

27:35

people stop saying settee and start

27:37

saying sofa? We never

27:39

said settee. Did you not? What about couch?

27:42

No one. Well, couch. I sort of married.

27:44

Is it American? I think so. Or

27:47

Freudian. No

27:50

one sets in, it's gone. Sorry, just hit

27:52

me. Thank

27:55

you. Thank you. You've

27:57

been talking a lot about your new opticians. Me?

28:01

I know. Like I say,

28:03

I'm not... No, you know what? You've had a

28:05

conversion because I'm going to go now. I'm

28:08

not on a retainer. I don't get anything. I

28:10

pay for what the... No, that's the dentist. You

28:12

even have... I

28:16

do like my dentist. I'm

28:18

an extractor fan. Oh. You

28:20

see, Ben, you've even had to

28:22

pay for the Fred Flintstone silk serrated...

28:25

Gown. Cleansing. It's not a girl. No,

28:27

I like to think that comes free

28:30

with the glasses. But I'll be honest

28:32

with you. I was so excited about

28:34

the whole qubits experience. I bought a

28:36

second pair of glasses as a spare,

28:39

just as an excuse to hang out

28:41

in there a bit more. Do you

28:43

know what I think about them? And

28:45

I thought, sorry, when you get second

28:48

glasses, you think I can go a

28:50

bit more avant-garde with these. On did

28:52

you go? So I've got like little

28:54

circular... You

28:57

know what I found in my haircut? I was

28:59

after 1920s East European novelists.

29:03

I've gone for that with these little rounds. Hang on.

29:06

They're a bit Dracula. Gary Oldman,

29:08

Dracula. They're a bit sort of

29:10

James Joyce-y type, but not guided.

29:13

I'm seeing the little professor in Nightmare

29:15

before Christmas. Yeah, it could be

29:17

that. Hair professor. Oh, OK.

29:21

Well, anyway, you've actually... It'd be

29:23

a great name for a barber, wouldn't

29:25

it, hair professor? Anyway, sorry. You've

29:29

lured me over to them. I'm going to go to

29:31

them now. Give them a try. I like the

29:33

sound of, you know, because I

29:35

think, frankly, part of your motivation for going

29:37

there is friendship. You

29:40

know I'm not very good at friendship. No,

29:42

but they're lovely friends for you, frankly. Well,

29:44

that's the kind of friendship I like. That's

29:46

about eight minutes of intense nerd

29:49

chat. Largely transactional.

29:51

Yeah, largely. So, listen,

29:53

I've discovered there are quite a

29:56

few high profile people. Because I

29:58

was... I mean, I was thinking... What, Cubitarians?

30:02

I was thinking you could be an ambassador for you

30:04

there. Cubicles. Oh yeah, I

30:06

know I don't want to be an ambassador. There's some

30:08

high profile Cubitarians. I'm holding out

30:10

for UNICEF. Well,

30:14

the company has 16 shops. Do you want

30:16

me to make some of the celebrity customers include?

30:19

Is this like the bit on Wikipedia where

30:21

it says notable residents? Well

30:26

it says things

30:29

like Simon Le Bon went to school

30:31

in nearby Branchert or something like that.

30:33

And then the other entry is a

30:35

bishop from the 1500s. Yeah,

30:38

exactly. Let's,

30:41

it's a natural break. Let's have a...

30:45

A cliffhanger. A Cubitarian

30:47

cliffhanger. I'm

30:50

clotting my tote. Frank Flinnock,

30:54

on Absolute Radio. Frank,

31:00

you know things on something of a

31:02

cliffhanger? Oh yes. Do

31:05

you remember what it was? Yeah,

31:07

it was um, multiple citizens of

31:09

Cubits. Yes. So

31:11

people who were other celebrities other than

31:13

yourself. I bet there isn't a 15th

31:15

century bishop in this. No,

31:18

but there is. I'll give you a sample. Shall

31:20

we guess? I guess one each. Oh I'd

31:22

love that. Who are the, okay,

31:24

I've got a list here of

31:27

five of Cubits top

31:29

celebrity glasses wearers. Okay. Go

31:32

on PA, you got first. So, give me your best shot.

31:34

Oh, I don't know. I'm trying to think. Hasn't

31:38

been bloom at all. Incorrect. Okay.

31:41

Yeah, he's too, he's too

31:43

obvious. I think his glasses

31:45

feel a little bit more, a bit

31:48

more from the future. Titanium. Yeah.

31:51

Were Cubits, a little bit more New York

31:54

library. Yes, exactly. Over to you Frank. Therefore,

31:56

Linda Lucardi. Oh! If

32:00

she's on I would be... Matt

32:02

Smith! No, but I think you

32:05

can do this. I'm going to kick you off with one.

32:07

Number one, Prue Leith. Prue

32:10

Leith, course. Prue Leith,

32:12

Prue Leith! Number two,

32:15

Cubits customer, Hugh Grant.

32:17

Oh! Number three, Alan

32:20

Carr. They've got the

32:22

big fish. I'm not mention

32:24

that, man. My son's favourite comedian

32:26

shops at Cubits. I'm not going

32:28

back. And finally, Jay Blades

32:31

off for a pair shop. Oh,

32:34

oh, God. I

32:37

thought it was going to be Hollywood Star.

32:39

Well, there are also Ariana Grande and Madonna.

32:41

All very nice people don't get me wrong.

32:44

Ariana Grande and Madonna. Really?

32:46

Madonna, because you're Cubits. Get

32:50

out of it. That's

32:53

how I wouldn't... I hope I never turn up when

32:55

she's in there. What about... Oh,

32:58

she seems nice, doesn't she? She always

33:00

seems very warm. She seems lovely. And

33:02

she's kept her feet on the ground

33:05

for Madonna. Yeah, really, really nice. Really

33:07

sweet. She doesn't look

33:09

warm. No. Well, she should

33:11

wear more. Yeah. I'm just saying,

33:14

we'll start talking. No, she's always seemed

33:16

like a nasty person. She's

33:20

horrible. Yeah. I

33:22

could be wrong, but... No.

33:26

Frank, we're going to stop talking

33:28

about the glasses shop now, because we're not getting...

33:31

We should stress. There is no money.

33:33

Jayblades. Yeah. Is

33:35

he...? Jayblades. I can't remember. Does he wear

33:37

glasses all the time, or does he put

33:39

them on for close work in the... Oh,

33:41

he's a bit competitive. Well, it's Jayblades. Now

33:43

he found out he's a Cubits customer. Yeah. I'm

33:46

not in the top five. Can you believe

33:48

that? I want to punch in the stomach,

33:50

babies. You're going to have to

33:52

take it up with them on their podcast. Yeah. Yeah,

33:54

but, Frank, what? Repairment? Oh,

33:56

what? Trades?

34:01

Yeah. Gosh. Time of

34:03

spectacles, very popular with the staff. There

34:05

is another... Oh, mate. Hello,

34:07

you've got a... I'm the handyman. I've got

34:09

your cupboard doors come off. Yeah, coming. Nice

34:12

glasses, by the way. Nice coat. Thank you,

34:14

sir. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, are you

34:16

pleased that Trump's back? Shall

34:19

we... Oh, shall we watch

34:21

the German G-SQL or shall we

34:23

do it? Yes.

34:27

I'm not. I'm not. I'm

34:29

not. I'm not. I'm not.

34:32

I'm not. I'm not. I'm

34:34

not. I'm not. I'm

34:37

not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm

34:39

not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm

34:42

not. I'm not. Shall

34:44

we go to the sequel or shall we debate whether Trump's a

34:47

billionaire again? Let's

34:49

watch the German G-SQL. Yeah,

34:51

but he's back and he's looking good, I

34:53

think. He's saying mad things again.

34:56

Yeah. You can shut your

34:58

velvet curtains and close your eyes and listen

35:00

to a rambling maniacal speech.

35:03

Right. You

35:06

should shut your velvet... You've

35:08

imposed velvet curtains on me. I never said

35:10

I had velvet. Have a

35:12

law. I'd like to trade.

35:14

I'd like to trade shut the front

35:16

door for shut your velvet curtains. Yeah.

35:19

Maybe I won't say that. It's borderline. No,

35:21

it is a bit borderline. OK, Madonna. Borderline.

35:24

Oh, lovely. Clive

35:26

Silas, that England's

35:28

football... that England's football fan

35:31

number one, that's you, has

35:33

been watching football for 60 years

35:36

and doesn't understand what he's been watching

35:38

is actually an enormous relief. Oh.

35:42

It's almost unbelievable. It sounds like

35:44

I'm trying to be deliberately... No,

35:47

I think people find it genuinely

35:49

reassuring. But

35:52

it's the most basic. They've switched to three at

35:54

the back, have they? I

35:56

didn't notice and I'm out of the game and

35:59

I really care about... whether they win or not.

36:01

A number of people agreeing with you like Nikki

36:03

Beale and Sunderland. Frank, I'm in

36:05

the same boat, Re-football. I've learned

36:07

nothing. Nothing. I've learned

36:09

nothing. It's so funny to, like,

36:11

imagining someone leaving a football stadium

36:13

with their team scarf on, just

36:15

going, I've learned nothing. No,

36:17

but you would think. As you know,

36:20

it hasn't been a casual interest in a

36:22

way. No. It's been a deep, deep passion

36:25

of which I've learned nothing. But you

36:27

know the offside rule and things, you

36:29

don't know nothing. I know. You don't

36:31

know nothing. You don't know nothing. I'm

36:34

right, good fellas. I know

36:36

nothing. You

36:38

don't tell anyone

36:40

about how the football works. You don't know

36:42

nothing. I know the offside rule. I'm not

36:45

sure whether you can still not be offside

36:47

in your own half. I don't know if

36:49

that rule's gone. So the rules are a

36:52

bit, it's not so much the rules. It's

36:54

tactics beyond me. Hey, Frank,

36:56

talking of football. Sorry,

36:59

when I was at the Albion once and a

37:01

bloke behind Shouty. Ah,

37:03

they're getting us on the second phase pick

37:05

up every time. And he might

37:07

as well have

37:10

shouted something in Swahili. And

37:12

what does that mean? Second

37:15

phase pick up. Frank,

37:18

talking of football, you know Gary

37:20

Neville has joined the Dragon's Den. He's

37:23

a dragon now. Well, what

37:25

they have now is a slot. Because

37:28

he's a business guy. He's

37:30

always trying things. And he

37:32

introduces himself. I love it because I'm a business owner.

37:34

I've invested in a lot of businesses over the years.

37:36

He has a restaurant, various other things. But

37:40

they have a slot now, the sort

37:42

of temporary dragon slot, where

37:44

the person just comes in occasionally. So

37:46

they're not committed to the weekly spend.

37:49

And I've got to be honest, you know who I thought was for that temporary slot?

37:51

What mate? I'm a night skinner. But I don't have a business. give

38:00

these people advice. I was the

38:02

man, I was

38:04

the man the first time

38:07

I wore an umbrella

38:09

hat. I

38:11

honestly deeply thought that's it

38:14

for the handheld umbrella. It's

38:17

finished. I thought maybe

38:20

I should put all my savings into

38:22

the umbrella hat. It's clearly going to

38:24

change the world. I'm just

38:26

saying you've done very well for yourself. You've

38:28

created your own business. That's my background.

38:31

I am my own business. But

38:33

they just say, would you like to invest? 50,000 for 10%

38:35

of the company. It's

38:37

called Cubist. Yeah, but I would have said yes

38:39

to the umbrella hat. That is my problem. I'd

38:42

have said, no, can we make it 100,000 investment?

38:46

You're low-balling me. You're cutting me out

38:49

of it. Yeah, I do a lot

38:51

of playing. I play a lot of

38:53

accordion in the rain. I think

38:55

the umbrella hat is the future. Frank

38:59

Skinner, Frank Skinner, absolute radio.

39:06

We've heard from Paul in Kingston. Oh

39:08

yeah. Hi, Frank and team. Significant

39:12

Anglo-Saxon settlement where many

39:14

kings were crowned. I

39:18

know, but they couldn't spell. I mean, would it kill you? Hi,

39:22

Frank and team. After hearing your revelation

39:24

about the capacity of the theatre in

39:27

Hastings last week. Oh yeah. Footnote,

39:29

these are the kind of revelations you

39:31

can expect from our show. Well, I

39:33

noticed on my list of, me and

39:35

Pierre are basically on tour, starting tomorrow

39:37

in Swindon, and then we're all over

39:39

the place. Boys back in town. But

39:41

we saw, or I

39:43

saw rather, the

39:46

figures selling the ticket sales and

39:48

stuff. And I noticed that Hastings

39:51

White Rock Theatre, the

39:54

capacity was 1,066. 1,066. To be even more

39:59

helpful. for 1066, that's

40:01

the Hastings Theatre. And

40:04

I didn't, I mentioned it to

40:07

some of my staff and they didn't

40:09

know what I was talking about. But

40:12

what I want to know is whether

40:14

it was deliberately given that capacity. It

40:16

must have been. Well, Paul

40:18

continues, after hearing

40:21

your revelation, my wife decided

40:23

to recount the fact to a work

40:25

colleague, which is nice, who

40:27

is very interested in work, you know, to hear that. He

40:30

responded with an underwhelmed and confused,

40:33

all right, where's Hastings? Unfortunately,

40:36

the person she told was South

40:38

African. Sorry, do you want to

40:40

repeat that there in the way he would have said it? How

40:43

would he have said it? It's a

40:45

common attitude. How would he say it? Oh,

40:48

you mean the South African? Yes. Oh,

40:50

I thought you were pointing out

40:52

the unfortunately there was something. Oh,

40:54

no. Oh, no. How

40:56

awful. Unfortunately,

40:59

the person was South African. Oh,

41:01

right. Where's Hastings? OK. Where's

41:03

Hastings? And I don't know, something like

41:06

that. I would imagine we'd want to

41:08

repeat it. If only William McConquah had

41:10

had to say that. Could still be

41:12

an Anglo-Saxon settlement. And unlike

41:14

Pierre, has little knowledge of

41:16

British history. So he

41:18

simply thought he was being told the

41:21

capacity of a theatre hosting Frank and

41:23

Pierre later this year. He's no doubt

41:25

anticipating the capacity figures for another venue

41:27

this week. Like

41:29

Paul in Kingston. Yeah. Can

41:32

I say this is in reference to

41:34

you saying you were complaining about the lack

41:36

of the capacity

41:43

and you were saying how many of we

41:45

saw? He says, I hope the Hastings sales

41:47

of in Queens. Yeah, it was 23 percent.

41:49

Don't tell the figures Frank. Look,

41:53

it's quality,

41:56

not quantity. It's

41:58

true. Anyway,

42:01

I'd just like to finish. Paul says,

42:03

I saw Frank in London before

42:05

Christmas and I can thoroughly

42:08

recommend it. I second that.

42:10

Yeah, but I was at trade. It

42:13

just bumped into me.

42:16

Can I say I had a lovely letter

42:18

from the Candlestick Press, notably

42:21

the Candlestick team, Dye

42:23

Slaney and

42:25

Kathy Towers. Great

42:28

name, certainly. And they make, have

42:30

you ever been in like a,

42:32

I don't know, book shop, card

42:34

shop, and you get little

42:36

thin books of poetry that you sort of

42:39

get instead of a Christmas card and it

42:41

says things like 10 Christmas poems or instead

42:43

of a birthday. A slim volume. Yeah, but

42:46

very good way of sneaking poetry up

42:48

on people, which is a good thing

42:50

to do. And they said,

42:53

we hope you enjoy the ones we've picked out for

42:55

you. So they sent me some. It's

42:57

my birthday next week, all very lovely.

43:00

And these are the ones they picked for

43:02

me. Music, good. Trees,

43:05

football, art,

43:08

getting older and

43:12

rubbish. Ten

43:15

poems about rubbish, they've

43:17

sent me. So

43:20

there you are. That's me summed

43:22

up in a little collection.

43:24

But that's very kind of you, Dye

43:26

and Kathy. There's a PP signature on

43:29

it, which is

43:31

just someone who's signature is K.

43:33

Like they were in a Caftern

43:35

novel. Anyway,

43:37

lovely. I love a gift. Do

43:40

you think the little book of football poems will teach

43:42

you any tactics? No. Frank's

43:44

Clasp on Absolute

43:46

Radio. Frank,

43:49

I'd like to share something with you and Pierre

43:52

regarding... What a hypodermic needle,

43:54

is it? Oh, too

43:56

dark for practice. Oh, sorry. Right,

44:00

it's... Two dogs

44:03

for breakfast! Two

44:09

dogs for breakfast! This

44:14

is from Sarah Russell. Because

44:16

we've been discussing, you and

44:19

Pierre have an upcoming gig in

44:21

Hastings. You've been somewhat concerned about

44:23

the ticket

44:26

sales. Something which you've been

44:28

sharing. Yeah, not concerned. It

44:30

was a late edition, so I've only

44:32

just started. I was more interested in

44:34

their capacity, which is £10.66. So

44:39

Sarah Russell is a Hastings resident.

44:42

And she's got in touch midweek.

44:45

We love the midweekers, Frank. Dear

44:47

Frank, Emily and Pierre, it's Sarah from £10.66

44:51

country. Hastings in short.

44:55

Pierre will know this. There's a

44:57

place near Hastings called Battle. Is

45:00

that where the actual battle happened? It's

45:03

closer, yeah. I've

45:05

been once. I filmed there once. You're

45:07

getting warmer. I filmed there

45:09

once as a child. In Battle?

45:12

No, I think it was Hastings. It

45:14

was an episode of Thomas and

45:16

Sarah, which was a spin-off of Upstairs Downstairs. Oh,

45:19

and it was all filmed in Hastings. No, I

45:21

think it was John Holton and Pauline Collins who

45:23

ran away together as a servant. And

45:25

was it filmed or embroidered? Long-term

45:30

reader, first-time emailer. This is Sarah

45:32

Russell. I'm listening

45:34

to the podcast and I'm getting in touch,

45:36

as £10.66 seats

45:39

will definitely be on purpose. We

45:41

have £10.66 everything down here. £10.66

45:45

vets. That's

45:49

the name of it, not the amount they've got.

45:51

We've got £10.66. Very expensive. We

45:55

have £10.66 bakery. Oh,

45:58

yes. As Sarah says, We haven't got

46:00

over it. Mmm. Now.

46:04

I wish they had that on a

46:06

brown roadside. When you enter Tasting Tasting's

46:08

we haven't got over it. That would

46:10

be great. What

46:13

are they twinned with, Hasting? Somewhere in

46:15

Normandy do we think? Oh,

46:17

twinned with. It would have to be

46:19

somewhere else that is the side of

46:21

a battle, surely. Yeah, exactly. Twinned with

46:24

Tobruk. Yeah. My

46:29

partner, by the way, bought

46:32

me tickets to see you for

46:34

Christmas before you told us

46:36

to and we are front and centre. This

46:38

is in Hastings. Excellent. What

46:41

seat number will that be? Well,

46:43

yeah, every seat is 1066.

46:47

Very confusing. Very

46:49

single-sided, as King Harold would have said. I

46:51

was going to say the logo for the

46:53

vets suggests itself, doesn't it? The dog with

46:55

an arrow in its eye. Oh, yeah. Leaning

46:58

back like that. Yeah. Oh, I

47:00

don't want to think about that. Okay. Could

47:03

we win? I want to think Madonna would have

47:06

on a T-shirt. I'm thinking, hey,

47:08

look at this picture of a dog with an arrow. Oh,

47:17

boy, I've been meaning to

47:20

bring this up. Someone

47:31

has had someone's got a birthday coming

47:33

up. Wow, a tawdry reaction.

47:40

And someone else has

47:42

had a birthday celebration

47:44

recently, but unlike

47:47

Frank, they choose not to mention it. No,

47:50

I want to give everyone as good a

47:52

chance as possible to get the best gift

47:55

on the market. Well, Kim, John Moon,

47:57

I'm going to give you a chance. I

48:00

think what you're meant to call him, what

48:02

do the residents have to call him? It's

48:05

our brilliant comrade. Great? That's

48:07

what I call you. Great helmsman. Things

48:10

like that. Is it? Yeah, that's nice.

48:12

There's one, there's what, you know he has a...

48:14

I think we could introduce that, I'll miss you.

48:16

Well, there's one title which is The Genius Amongst

48:19

Others. He likes to

48:21

be called, that's the translation. Oh, okay. The

48:24

Genius Among Others. Do you want us to call you that? No.

48:26

Okay. The Genius Among Others. So,

48:33

Kim Jong Un is being uncharacteristically generous

48:35

there. He is, yeah. He's turned. To

48:38

be fair to him, he's the

48:40

pioneer of the short back and sides

48:42

haircut which I pursue with some gusta.

48:45

Yeah. He has been with that for years.

48:48

Just to produce a note to you, could you make sure

48:50

to call the podcast to be fair to Kim Jong Un?

48:53

No, don't go there. He's

48:55

turned. Someone's had a big

48:57

birthday. But he's a bit

48:59

of shy guy. Well, we don't know this for sure,

49:01

do we? The theory is he's

49:04

40, is that right? Yeah. The theory

49:06

is he's turned 40 but he's very...

49:08

You know the old song, nobody loves a tyrant

49:10

when they're 40. No,

49:12

the song was his grandfather. Oh, you're

49:14

sorry. He

49:16

was the old one. He was the old

49:19

son. Yeah. Well, he's a bit 1950s actress

49:21

about the age, isn't he? Yes, he's very

49:23

coy, 39 again. Well, a

49:25

gentleman don't ask a lady her age, I think you're funny.

49:30

He knows a bit like that. I don't think he'd

49:32

like to be called very coy. He hates the

49:34

Japanese. He's... He's...

49:40

I think maybe he doesn't tell people

49:42

when his birthday is because he's worried

49:44

the other guys in the government will

49:46

give him the bumps. The

49:49

only person on the planet who's never worried

49:51

about being given the bumps, because at

49:56

school we would keep our birthday secret.

49:58

Yeah. Because in case you... you're not

50:00

aware of this you'd be grabbed by the

50:02

hands and feet and bounced up and down

50:04

for the every year of your birthday on

50:07

your spine, on the base of your spine.

50:09

Yeah, that was, I think you should have said that out

50:11

now. I should think that's gone. Yeah, it

50:13

was a dead arm equivalent

50:15

when I was at school. One

50:18

sort of dead arm punch in

50:20

the upper shoulder. Just one, not one for

50:22

every year. Yeah, all every year. The reason...

50:25

Bumps and candles and dead arms.

50:28

Do you think he can't? The

50:30

thing is, if you regularly preside

50:32

over parades of missiles and tanks

50:35

and sort of perfectly synchronised dancers,

50:37

you can't claim to not want to

50:40

make a big deal out of things.

50:42

No, you can't say we don't stand

50:44

on ceremonies here. Here

50:47

in North Korea we like to keep

50:49

things casual. There's 100 synchronised dancers well

50:51

behind you. He

50:53

says, well that is the reason that's

50:55

being sighted, is that he feels he

50:58

hasn't achieved enough yet and he is

51:00

a humble leader so he

51:02

doesn't like to draw attention to it. Okay.

51:05

It's an intimidating birthday gift

51:07

buying process for Kim

51:10

Jong Un. Margaret Thatcher said if you don't

51:12

own your own property by the time you're

51:14

30 you can call yourself a failure. Well

51:17

I remember her saying if you still get the bus.

51:20

Okay. She said if you... Yeah.

51:22

So sorry Frank. You're waiting off. Yeah,

51:25

I get the bus. We all get

51:27

the bus. Okay, thank you. She never

51:29

had a freedom pass dangled over her

51:31

head like a tempting forbidden fruit. But

51:35

yeah, what do you get the man

51:37

who has everything? Penicillin?

51:41

Yeah. No, don't get me that. I'm

51:43

allergic. I'm actually allergic. The

51:46

thing about KJ is that I would just

51:48

be stiff with stress choosing gifts for him.

51:50

Oh God, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

51:52

Well they... Erm...

51:54

Dennis Rodman who's erm... Are they friends?

51:57

They are. Yeah, he's an

51:59

un-friend. He

52:03

unfriended him. He

52:05

bought his daughter for

52:08

her birthday, I think it

52:10

was Rodman, bought his

52:12

daughter whose name I can't remember. But

52:15

he bought a

52:18

jigsaw with a mermaid on it. Nice,

52:21

nice idea. He also bought

52:23

her a Where's Wally book. And

52:26

I think in that

52:28

circle, Kim Jogum's asking the whereabouts

52:31

of anyone. It's dangerous,

52:33

happy to get someone in.

52:35

Watch your back, Wally. Frank

52:38

Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just

52:48

so you know, 386. For some

52:50

bizarre reason, there's a piano shop

52:52

in Cambridgeshire called 1066

52:54

Pianos. No idea. Cambridgeshire? Maybe

52:56

the owner's a descendant of

52:58

some Norman Nobles. That's John

53:01

from Cherry Hinton. It's possible. I

53:03

think I've been to Cherry Hinton. Good

53:06

for you. She's a local therapist.

53:08

Sounds like she might have worked

53:10

at the BBC in the 70s.

53:15

Exactly. Why don't you run it

53:17

by Cherry Hinton? Yes,

53:20

she's been working in documentaries for Michael

53:22

Dean for some years. Very good PA,

53:24

actually. OK,

53:28

so we are discussing Kim Jogum.

53:30

Yes. Don't take

53:33

this the wrong way, Frank. Nothing

53:36

good ever came of the sentence starting that way.

53:38

No, it didn't. But I think

53:40

he might be quite a nice friend for you. He

53:45

can turn now, Connie. Kim Jog?

53:47

I think he's fickle as a

53:49

friend. As an unfriend.

53:51

Yeah, but he's got a similar... He

53:54

might unfriend me. Oh, yeah, you don't

53:56

want that. No, I think the on-call

53:58

was actually executed. Yes. We'll

54:01

go that way. Yeah. Lovely. They

54:05

keep themselves to themselves. Yes, they have.

54:07

Do you know what? They mind their

54:09

own business. He's so secretive, I find.

54:11

I tell you, what has Kim Jong

54:13

Un got in common with David Beckham?

54:15

I thought you were going to say

54:18

David, but he'll. Alice

54:20

Bands? No. No.

54:22

Oh. I don't

54:24

really know. Well, I'll tell you. He saw

54:26

his wife. Do

54:29

you remember the story that

54:31

David Beckham was in the players

54:33

bar after a game and he

54:35

saw that video in the desert

54:38

of the Spice Girls? So you'll

54:40

be there. When Victoria Adams,

54:43

as she was then, was wearing

54:45

like a black PVC cat

54:47

suit, and he

54:49

supposedly led, this is the legends,

54:52

he says, I'm kind of married,

54:54

that woman. That's

54:56

very good. Yeah. And

54:59

apparently, Kim Jong

55:01

Un saw his wife singing

55:03

on stage. And

55:05

a similar thing. But obviously, when he said, I'm

55:07

going to marry that woman. Yeah. You

55:10

start sending out the invite. We'll tell her next

55:12

week. It became true the second he said it.

55:18

As opposed to a wishful girl. You know what?

55:20

The thing about Kim Jong Un, when you make

55:22

the proposal, you don't hang about. Then

55:25

four blokes headed towards the stage. He

55:27

said, not Barry, not Barry! Barry!

55:32

You should say the four, I would say,

55:34

you should have got to a particular Venn

55:36

diagram, Frank. Others in that

55:38

group. Michael Caine, of course.

55:40

Oh, Michael Caine saw his wife in a

55:42

coffee advert on the telly and

55:45

said to his agent, supposedly, I'll

55:47

never get to meet her because

55:50

she's Brazilian. Also very good. And

55:53

he said, and the agent said, now, Michael, she

55:55

actually lives in Ealing. And

55:58

she's Indian. That's why we have planes. I

56:00

don't think we did then. And

56:03

then finally I'd like to add to that group, Simon

56:07

Le Bon. Simon Le Bon?

56:09

Where did he see Jasmine? In

56:12

a magazine. Oh really?

56:14

When I think of the women I

56:16

saw in magazines that that period never

56:18

proposed to any of. Oh

56:20

Frank. And I

56:22

felt I knew them well

56:24

enough. In

56:28

some cases they were already married. Anyway. Any

56:34

road, yes. Hey Jay. So

56:36

he, we were talking about

56:39

his birthday, his 40th

56:41

which went largely on celebrated.

56:44

However, we do know where

56:46

he was. There is an alleged date, isn't there?

56:49

We know it was 1984 and

56:51

we think it was. Very happy. He

56:56

couldn't have picked a better date. No he

56:58

really, that is up there with the White

57:00

Rock Theatre high students having a capacity of

57:02

10.66. Yeah

57:08

and his birthday is on the 6th or 166th of

57:10

January. Frank

57:16

Skinner on Absolute Radio.

57:22

So Kim Jong? Yeah.

57:25

I mean I'm mentioning Kim Jong-un

57:27

more than you're mentioning that Optician's

57:29

Frank. Yeah. But we've all

57:31

got our passions. He might go to qubits

57:33

for all we know. He wears spectacle

57:36

sometimes. Does he? He

57:38

does, yeah. What type does he

57:40

go for? Sort of fairly thick

57:42

rim black. I

57:44

mean he's a goth generally speaking.

57:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would

57:49

say that that's his style. Yeah.

57:52

He's a neat, futuristic goth. He

57:55

wears it well. I find this something

57:57

a bit Poirot-like about him because he's

57:59

a portly. fellow and in

58:02

every picture he is inspecting things.

58:04

There used to be a fabulous website

58:06

of his father saying Kim Jong-il

58:08

was his father. Kim

58:10

Jong-il looking at things it was called.

58:14

Well he's only got, because his haircut, do

58:16

you know this, he's got a name

58:18

for his haircut. There's

58:21

only 28, there's regulation haircuts

58:23

that you can have, there's only 28. That's

58:25

a lot. Do you think so?

58:28

Yeah. One is his

58:30

style. Yeah, that do me. Yeah.

58:33

And it's called ambitious.

58:36

So if you just would go into the bar and you say

58:38

I'll have an ambitious please. Not ambitious at

58:41

the front and front at the

58:43

back, party at the back. You

58:45

can see posters of the

58:47

permitted haircuts. Can you? You

58:49

can see your handle. He's the

58:52

opposite the barber. So that happened to me once.

58:54

I went into a barber, he said how do

58:56

you want it done. I said you

58:58

sent that poster over there with me on. Can

59:00

you do it like that? And he put it,

59:02

he did exactly that. He cut it like it

59:04

was on the poster. I

59:07

think you should try it and say I'll have an ambitious

59:09

please. What did you get? Yeah, I'm

59:11

worried about that in case there's anything on

59:13

the slide going on at the barber. So

59:15

he spent his

59:19

birthday, they think, because

59:23

we don't know for sure, but if this was his

59:25

birthday, Kim Jong spent it at

59:28

a chicken farm. Yeah, he's got

59:30

the same birthday as Elvis and

59:32

William Hartnell, the first Doctor Who.

59:35

That's quite a party. Yeah, Shirley

59:37

Bassey and David Bowie on the

59:39

same day. Elvis did live a

59:42

bit like a dictator towards the

59:44

end. Yeah, there are Kim Jong

59:47

Elvis parallels. They

59:50

wear parallels, I think

59:52

most of the time. Occasionally,

59:54

you're for a boot cut.

59:56

Yeah. Jong Un is pioneering

59:59

baggy trousers. think if you look

1:00:01

at pictures of him inspecting things it's a

1:00:03

very late 90s skater jeans. I wouldn't mind

1:00:05

going to a chicken farm for my birthday.

1:00:07

Yeah. So I can casually

1:00:09

throw away words like gizzard. Yes.

1:00:12

Wattle. He

1:00:18

does seem to have a habit of taking

1:00:20

his daughter. Yes well this

1:00:22

is of course the big story. The

1:00:25

daughter has become, she seems to have

1:00:27

replaced the wife as the plus one,

1:00:29

Kim Jong Un's plus one. Yeah. She's

1:00:32

been so far. She's

1:00:34

been to four missile launches on

1:00:36

a chicken farm. Yes. School

1:00:38

trips these days. Yes. Oh

1:00:42

wow. And I think this

1:00:46

was the same girl that got the

1:00:48

Where's Wally book from Dennis Rodman. Which,

1:00:53

who wrote Where's Wally? Do we know? Is

1:00:55

it American? American. I'm not

1:00:58

sure. You know my

1:01:00

favorite children's author of course.

1:01:05

Make him up her goal, make

1:01:07

him up her goal. But

1:01:09

it's not him. Yeah they

1:01:11

think she could be the next,

1:01:14

possibly the next leader. Based on

1:01:17

how quickly she found Wally. Yeah

1:01:19

exactly. Also

1:01:21

we could be in a situation where North

1:01:25

Korea get a female leader

1:01:27

before the Labour Party. Frank

1:01:30

Freeman on Absolute Radio.

1:01:38

Oh Frank we've been discussing

1:01:41

celebrity birthdays. If you consider

1:01:43

Kim Jong Un a

1:01:45

celebrity. I think so.

1:01:47

He didn't used to crop up much

1:01:49

in 3am. No. But you know.

1:01:51

You don't want him cropping up at

1:01:53

3am. You know that's it. Jason

1:01:58

has got in touch with this news. Oh

1:02:00

yeah. It's Bell's Altruin's birthday today.

1:02:02

Is it really? Ah

1:02:05

well I should celebrate that in some way.

1:02:08

That's who Bell's is named after. It is, it is yeah.

1:02:10

Oh good old um thought of

1:02:14

as Altruin. Last scene. If

1:02:16

anyone deserves to celebrate their

1:02:18

birthday with a rocket launch

1:02:20

it's Bell's Altruin. Exactly. Yeah.

1:02:22

Last scene on a runway

1:02:24

he was doing some fashion

1:02:27

work wasn't he in a silver bomber jacket. What's

1:02:30

Buzz was? Mmm lovely.

1:02:32

Multi-badged. Yeah I think he might have

1:02:34

had a slight lift in the heel but no judgment. You

1:02:37

know we all embrace the Cuban

1:02:40

later in life. Ah well speak

1:02:42

for yourself. Steve Burgess on Twitter

1:02:44

points out Poirot and Ace Deen's

1:02:46

both getting a mention on today's

1:02:48

show. How I see.

1:02:50

Yeah we try to have balance

1:02:53

on the show don't we? Frank what's

1:02:55

your favorite detective? Oh Colombo.

1:02:58

Is it? Oh man I love Colombo

1:03:00

so much. Even though I know he's

1:03:02

done it within five minutes of the

1:03:05

start. Okay. I think

1:03:07

it's the greatest statement

1:03:09

of class difference

1:03:12

in any piece of art

1:03:14

I can think of. That the whole

1:03:16

strength of him is the

1:03:19

way people look at a disheveled

1:03:21

bloke from an ethnic minority Italian

1:03:23

in his right and just

1:03:26

dismiss him and think I don't have anything to

1:03:28

worry about with this silly

1:03:30

little dirty man and

1:03:33

that is his major weapon. Once

1:03:36

they think that they are doomed. That's

1:03:38

what they said about you. It's similar to you.

1:03:41

Well it is the way that people you

1:03:43

know whether it's their accent or what they

1:03:45

look like you will do it

1:03:47

I suppose you make the big judgment

1:03:49

but rarely is it used to get

1:03:52

rarely does one's prejudice come back to get

1:03:55

you as much as in a Colombo. Being

1:03:57

a Belgian as well.

1:04:00

probably quite good for being

1:04:02

underestimated. Yeah maybe yeah. There used to

1:04:04

be a thing didn't there about can

1:04:06

you name a Belgian when it was

1:04:08

sort of a synonym for being boring.

1:04:10

Was it? Yeah. Magritte must

1:04:12

have come up. Yeah her Jay I

1:04:15

think might have been Belgian rather. Yeah,

1:04:17

Tim Tim and all that. Okay

1:04:20

we're also getting lots of

1:04:22

uh tacky sightings being sent

1:04:25

in. Okay I'm just jumping on some

1:04:27

as we speak. You've really started a

1:04:29

phenomenon here. Oh I think it was

1:04:31

there before me I'm nearly observe it.

1:04:33

Stuart Middleton who says

1:04:36

normally of press wicking Ayrshire is

1:04:38

it eddie said Ayrshire but currently

1:04:40

on the beach in Mexico. Stuart

1:04:44

wanted us to know I found tacky. I

1:04:46

found tacky here too. From Ayrshire.

1:04:50

Stuart don't get any burns. Okay.

1:04:53

So he's from Ayrshire. Okay okay Frank.

1:04:56

And this week by the way on

1:04:58

the 25th me and my son will

1:05:00

do our annual thing when we eat

1:05:02

haggis and I read Robert Burns and

1:05:05

he absolutely laughs his head off. Just

1:05:08

likes the sound of it. I

1:05:11

mean it's all got a bit Kim

1:05:13

Jong-un taking around the missile off that

1:05:15

tree. I haven't yet

1:05:17

sampled the cheesy hexagons or

1:05:19

the blue heat cylinders. No. But I

1:05:21

will be happy to report back shortly.

1:05:23

That's Stuart. Well I know you know

1:05:26

the zombie flavor and not

1:05:28

much zombie flavor. That

1:05:31

would be a bit like having a blue cheese.

1:05:34

But I think the

1:05:36

original fuego is still

1:05:38

the best. Yeah okay.

1:05:41

Anyway listen Sarah Champion is up next.

1:05:43

Do listen to Sarah and episode

1:05:46

three of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast

1:05:49

is out on Wednesday. It's Billy

1:05:51

Collins this week. You know Billy

1:05:53

Collins. Billy Collins

1:05:55

is one of America's most

1:05:57

loved poems. Poets rather.

1:06:00

And so popular that he had

1:06:02

his own channel on American

1:06:04

Airlines in flight. It's

1:06:07

a type of which is pretty

1:06:09

good. Try Billy Collins. It

1:06:11

sort of seems simple and then he's

1:06:14

deeper. OK, you

1:06:16

can download it from wherever you get

1:06:18

your podcasts. Me and

1:06:20

Pierre will be on stage tomorrow

1:06:23

night in Swindon and various other.

1:06:25

We're at Bridge Court this week.

1:06:28

And Salisbury. Where else

1:06:30

are we? Chelmsford. There you

1:06:32

go. Yeah, we're around. So come

1:06:34

and track us down. It'll be lovely to see

1:06:36

you. And you know what?

1:06:38

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks

1:06:40

don't rise, we'll be back again this time next

1:06:42

week. Now get out.