0:00

This is Frank Skinner. This

0:02

is Absolute Radio. You

0:09

are listening to the Frank Skinner Show. I've

0:11

got to be honest, I'm not Frank Skinner.

0:14

Trust me, I wish I was. I've seen the size of his house.

0:17

Frank can't be with us today, which is sad,

0:20

isn't it, boys? Mm. Hello!

0:22

Yes, yes, yes. Hello!

0:26

I thought we were allowing the pause to

0:29

generate a little bit of naughty laughter.

0:31

No. Yes, or a sombreness. Well, he

0:34

will be sorely missed. The

0:36

good news is I'm joined by...

0:40

Oh, I feel a pressure now to give you a big

0:42

intro. What about what John

0:44

Travolta did? The wickedly talented...

0:47

The wickedly talented... Adele

0:49

Dazeem. ..Pianovelli.

0:53

And Steve Hall. Good

0:55

morning. Good morning. Did I

0:57

leave you out a bit there, Steve? No, no. OK.

0:59

No more than, you know, I'm used to in life. What

1:03

a start to the show! You

1:06

can text the show on 812.15. You

1:08

can follow us on X and

1:10

Instagram. Follow us on X. Sounds

1:14

really creepy still. At Frank

1:16

on the radio. Or you

1:18

can email us via frank at

1:21

absolute radio.co dot UK. I

1:24

still feel really bad about the beginning of the show.

1:26

Shall I move on from it? It

1:28

was just the most unprofessional start to a radio

1:30

show in the history of broadcasting. I

1:33

went, hello, that was, er, use

1:35

somebody, who's it by, give me the

1:37

paper. That's when you're

1:40

living the phrase, I could use somebody. I could use

1:42

somebody to give me the name of the song. I

1:45

haven't played jingles for you today. Do

1:48

you know why? No. OK, I'll tell you.

1:52

I was covered briefly over the boys are back in

1:54

town. And

1:56

then, as it does, and then

1:58

I decided... That's not your energy.

2:02

No, that's true. It's

2:04

just, the boys are back

2:06

in town. It's a bit

2:08

sort of testosterone-fueled revelry. And

2:11

you boys are a bit lower seat

2:13

of the bar. It's inefficiently bookish. The boys are back

2:15

in the library. The boys are

2:17

back in the Bodleian. Or

2:20

loser by Beck or something like that. How

2:23

do you feel about that, Pierre? I'm

2:25

happy with that. Or Divine Comedy or something like

2:27

that. I think all the trinkles are a little

2:29

star. Just all the trumbone. A

2:32

bit creepy. No, I

2:34

have to say, I think the boys who are back

2:36

in town, I think

2:38

they would assess you both and think, I

2:41

think they'd probably say it follows a dictionary. See

2:44

you both. Yeah, I think the boys who are back

2:46

in town have toothpicks and

2:48

they lean against walls. And

2:51

leather jacitos. We need

2:53

to discuss something. Frank's not here this week.

2:56

And very sad because we miss Frank and

2:58

we love him. He's fine,

3:00

by the way, making it sound like. He's

3:02

absolutely fine. But he has...

3:06

His show started this week at the

3:08

Gilgood. His two-week run at the Gilgood.

3:10

This is 30 years of dirt. Feet,

3:14

Mr. Cienaveli. True brackets, feet

3:16

me. And it's

3:19

had quite some reviews, hasn't it? Yeah.

3:22

Five stars. Fabulous. Not

3:24

often a comic says that about another comic.

3:26

That's so generous. But

3:29

some of them, I've been

3:31

slightly obsessed with the reviews. So

3:35

here's a few choice samples.

3:38

It turns out, boys, that we are working

3:41

with a man, I quote, so

3:43

funny, it's almost obscene. What

3:46

do you think of that? Almost obscene. Almost

3:48

obscene. Oh, I knew you. See, this is what

3:50

I thought. I read that and thought, wow, I'm so proud of

3:52

him. Frank will

3:54

be sitting at home thinking

3:57

only almost. Yeah. Are

4:00

they just trying to be clever about 30 years of dirt?

4:02

Yeah, I presume they're going to play on that. I

4:05

know. Unless his act has changed

4:07

rapidly. Yeah. There's

4:10

also a number two review that

4:12

I'm going to share with you. Our

4:15

boss is also apparently a craftsman

4:18

with exquisite control of his art.

4:21

What do you think of that? I like it. It's

4:24

a bit medieval guildsman. Yes, yes.

4:26

The craftsman. Yes. It's

4:28

pleasingly wizard-like. It's like

4:33

someone's describing a sort of warlock.

4:36

And then finally, someone else said of him,

4:38

wields the scalpel as

4:40

masterfully as the bloodsman.

4:44

Now, I think they've gone full on Sweeney Todd

4:46

now. That's very nice. That's

4:48

a really nice review. And potentially chilling. Yeah.

4:51

It's a terrible review of a doctor. It's the

4:53

sort of thing someone would say about Otto van

4:55

Bismarck. Like

4:57

Napoleon. It's a very sort of statesman

4:59

of the 19th century. I liked

5:01

it. I have to say, I was, I know

5:04

we don't do praise on this show, but I'm

5:06

going to make an exception because I was really

5:08

stupidly proud of him reading those reviews. And

5:11

contracts are up quite soon. Yeah.

5:14

And that covers it. I think that's all

5:16

right, isn't it? We've

5:22

on the subject of reviews, we've had Simon

5:24

and Sudbury has been in touch, long standing

5:27

friend of the show. Oh, morning, Simon. And

5:29

he said that he and

5:31

the missus saw Frank and Pierre, aka

5:33

piano Billy, at the gill good on

5:35

Tuesday. Expectations were already sky high and

5:37

well and truly exceeded. Very nice. Do

5:41

you think Frank's going to be cross for

5:43

turning it into a praise then? Yeah,

5:45

I'm going to sneak in one bit of praise

5:47

early doors. Piano Billy.

5:50

Yeah. Did it get well, though? Good

5:52

afternoon night. Very good. Yeah, yeah. Very

5:55

good. It was a hell

5:58

of a reaction From the

6:00

crowd. when my memory when up modem or

6:02

did they do did they take they certain

6:04

this has is. A

6:07

throwing poetry at the. Assess

6:11

it was just when you get that

6:13

big shout. his. Are. Nice

6:15

and a happens and who in a

6:18

month when one his when you hear

6:20

about as from on an oncoming. To

6:22

say it myself. I thought yes

6:24

or in September use the. Free. Tickets

6:26

on how I Love a Local Theory

6:28

I was my old sketch show we

6:31

once described in his eyes Are you

6:33

gonna say I love or one frosted

6:35

man with exquisite control And that is

6:37

it? Better given, but we are Mcmahon

6:40

my schedule. We were described as visually

6:42

pitiful. Genius fools. oh joy And that

6:44

is If ever there is a backhanded

6:46

compliments, it's not a compliment sandwiches or

6:49

it's wonderful and visually pitiful. I've been

6:51

just as a straightforward that has nothing

6:53

and I. Lost.

6:56

The call it from an adamant Asus. For

6:58

someone to talk to about something. I

7:01

had a bit of an extraordinary.

7:03

More That message estate.

7:06

The. Comes and will get a specific.

7:09

This is something a bit of a Watson

7:11

group were seized net. Do you know this

7:13

about. Me: You're a. you're a

7:15

contentious objector. To

7:19

to t consensus of assets are not about

7:21

you do with a groucho Most ego. I

7:23

don't want to be part of any what

7:25

subgroup it would have me remember. You.

7:27

Know what? I don't? I I

7:29

don't want the element assailants. I

7:31

don't like the fact that every

7:34

time I pick it off, it's

7:36

seen twelve thirty to. read:

7:38

nineteen year old. Yes, reality. Similar

7:40

Isn't that The Bourne Identity. Recently

7:44

lost. Am. I don't think it's

7:46

natural for people. To. Know my movements

7:48

no as that makes sense is

7:51

ah. I don't

7:53

really care. Go away. I'll come

7:55

a long way to the and say

7:57

oh I didn't see it, didn't see

7:59

you. My mind was switched off his

8:01

i gonna be telling him. The truth is

8:03

that until you know even says when

8:05

you're online via our job. As

8:08

a how on sex so I've

8:10

never really liked to. I also

8:12

don't want the fact that your

8:14

searches pressured to apply in these

8:16

short form snappy, coolio gens that

8:18

sounds. Like math. Book is

8:20

only my you know dear sir.

8:24

Have forgotten cottage or so and didn't

8:26

get that was letters the know when

8:28

someone's opened of murders are gonna be

8:30

here and I centers in the open

8:32

electorate is just as a picture of

8:34

a sudden of. I

8:37

send quite block fi large sections

8:40

is to us and Mrs. And.

8:44

I know that everyone on these What Thought

8:46

group is looking at. Nine

8:48

My Big Brawl Modeling

8:50

Skyscraper. thinking okay

8:53

Burma. Still taking up

8:55

off the screen be an excellent absolutely

8:57

full old Russian people me on the

9:00

office com mrs perceived as for old

9:02

fashioned people you're just talking about me

9:04

to sound and also or a fascinating

9:07

sold as as recap the Armed Eyes

9:09

and or to public scrutiny for the

9:11

whole i'm Digging movie I do for.

9:16

But. Year: Old Fashioned necrosis notion

9:18

of insanity best about about a

9:20

year which is the whole briefly

9:22

specify where the top all and

9:25

will look Hillary Duff at lower

9:27

events and. Say.

9:34

It's harmless whole city that other stuff. As

9:36

under the Bridge Scouts? Who are you

9:38

trolls out? That. Some. Of

9:41

that. On average, you know,

9:44

So. see:

9:46

Troll Transit Authority from. Idolized

9:50

also. Tried

9:52

for all. Trials

9:54

has to say sorry to see on

9:57

the original. Trial on the but knowing

9:59

troll most. It m of line with his

10:01

i'm a troll I rl. The

10:03

trauma that I salsas to. Date

10:06

is a deal. Canal Pussy didn't seem to. Thousand.

10:10

Confused here. you'll know about this.

10:12

Miss Troll Slid the sit of

10:14

wild hair and no. Clue? Pencil

10:16

troll? yeah, And strange gulf

10:19

allies? Yes. Are they connected to the

10:21

ones that live under the bridge? I'm

10:23

a sucker. Might be distant cousins, I'm

10:25

not sure. Housing than once under the

10:27

bridge tend to look more like goblin.

10:30

He does my engine green on a

10:32

low. Their losses mysterious about those sell

10:34

out pencils. Athletes cleaned

10:36

up your ass for this is to the big time.

10:38

Have been subject to live under a bridge sign of

10:41

on to move and so. It's

10:44

who's literary always his office in their

10:46

their the sassy ones all denied the

10:48

new the restaurant assholes was an inch

10:50

and really got bucks that these. There's

10:53

something about Mary hair yes I was

10:55

on his will and bright colors to

10:57

them like under the Bridge and Eyes

10:59

On have had I already have a

11:02

loincloth to than a nice trolls to

11:04

to look like most so that the

11:06

goats don't see how and why. I

11:10

was talking. See about what? suffer? S

11:13

and things that the point where

11:15

Steve said something like for old

11:17

fashioned people like. Enough so

11:20

that well as yeah I don't remember saying

11:22

that. stupid and everything like enough a business

11:24

like usually as as as I didn't have

11:26

a fish that had one of her with

11:28

wondering. Why?

11:34

A lot ship has sailed with my friends is next

11:36

to the sideways. I've been both. Say

11:42

remain. Yeah,

11:45

so the what's hot have none of

11:47

us. And there was. No

11:49

such as so. Really, I have no right

11:51

to complain. I did everything

11:53

I get yet so I'm not a

11:55

fan with established already. As the

11:58

was enough of a soul. However,

12:01

there are some know a few

12:03

groups. Oh, make concessions. For. For.

12:06

Example. I. Have a

12:08

lovely. Family, what's up? Group

12:10

with my. Best.

12:12

Friend and her husband and

12:14

is also my best friend

12:17

Automaker, some some consolation prize

12:19

and my three gold kids.

12:21

Love. And is for his lovely

12:23

updates and it feels like it

12:26

a benign com say space stands

12:28

at his will like that Men:

12:30

nice hangers on. So.

12:33

This week. however, I

12:36

get a message or wakes up to

12:38

the message. And this is

12:40

from my friend. Think. This is of away top

12:42

two. She

12:44

basically. Says to me.

12:47

Ah, On.

12:50

The on I'm looking for This message I'm sorry Can you

12:52

talk amongst. Yourselves or assigned it. Is

12:55

Liam? What's. Your favorite

12:57

trustees is a brilliant that film called

12:59

Craig's Code Troll know where we're at

13:01

but it's like the Big Three. the

13:03

horror of yeah I can see how

13:05

now Brown activities as a compound that

13:07

now that fly or with are not

13:09

really help with the old fashioned. As

13:13

often. As a

13:15

police on that away as good as

13:17

a free was her I wasn't a

13:19

boiled sweets in his I just recently

13:21

out the of them and believe me

13:23

at all amongst yourselves a offensively with

13:25

the technology. For

13:28

it really from the gas

13:30

board doesn't have. To.

13:33

Say could go to doesn't bear with

13:35

me a while and through my phone

13:37

their my I out of thought they

13:40

were us anyway I treated the message

13:42

I'd say it's actually easier and less

13:44

on. She starts this this way. Hello

13:47

Lovelies Som. Having

13:51

a gorgeous time here at the

13:53

Blue Lagoon in Iceland. On.

13:56

Both. Sides. Bad luck

13:58

than others. Okay, you

14:00

know erupted open mouthed M O J.

14:05

On what to serve of

14:07

emerging. Then once I said

14:09

been out. For then. I

14:12

get a message saying he was

14:14

the view from all have seen

14:16

calls him oh gee. I.

14:19

See I get sentiment to.

14:21

I literally thought it was

14:23

a screen grab from as

14:26

it is Seven Seas Disaster

14:28

movie. They was literally a

14:30

windscreen sales with a giant

14:32

flaming crescent. Of Moses and Law. On

14:36

that cause is heading straight

14:38

towards. His successor.

14:42

Marks about mechanic or options. This

14:45

is why we have cattle board

14:47

assist on a Sunday. Cab drivers.

14:50

But something tells me. That.

14:52

Heading straight towards anything. Orange

14:55

colored. When. you've had

14:57

as a volcanic eruption might not be

14:59

a good idea. What?

15:01

Are you thinking? I think some

15:03

stone attacks on images of that

15:06

will the him hundred yards difference

15:08

between. We

15:14

are discussing. A

15:16

What Sap message. On of assemble

15:19

my best friend this week but he

15:21

wasn't just any or what's that message.

15:23

On not oscar a seal be comfortable

15:25

for me to share this with the

15:27

was it was a photo taken my

15:29

her. In a cab

15:31

escaping the volcanic. Eruption

15:33

in. Iceland. Says

15:37

Scathing See seem to be

15:39

sitting directly. Towards it and I

15:41

panicked when I saw this. And.

15:44

Apocalyptic Dlc maybe Image and I call

15:46

her but as I'd I don't think

15:48

that's the kind of message or wants

15:50

us. Sen Tom was, how about you

15:53

Law? are you in law of currently.

15:55

Four hundred hours he got soaked

15:57

for emergencies and Christmas is service.

16:00

Lot of my. Time

16:03

I found the game is a meeting. At

16:05

all since it's happened. So I got strain

16:07

on the sign. I thought, you

16:10

know, I know, I know, it's expensive.

16:12

But I'm gonna go for it or

16:15

my to schools homeless looks. Everything was

16:17

fine. They've been lovely that a lovely

16:19

Icelandic cab driver and he's he's been

16:21

playing Tina Turner said. Unless.

16:25

He has. An

16:27

effect on. Other. Relevant,

16:29

but I needed snow. That detail. Steamy

16:32

when I was. There are some that

16:34

determines your own good. I city aren't

16:36

as he did that. So the drama.

16:39

Something and Not Bush says you're driving noise. From

16:43

hospitals, etc. Would

16:47

be most appropriate. Will

16:49

listen see with a Voltaic a. Know. Razzing in

16:51

the background internationally a twelve his

16:53

name is. the

16:56

besieged his own or some sources heat

16:58

related anything. Good size and as well

17:00

so the most detrimental to choose from

17:02

I presume Nord to. We say

17:04

at this point that there have

17:06

been no casualties or fatalities. Have

17:08

said that everyone is say so.

17:10

I've been checking this matches. On

17:13

everyone is that seems fine and size

17:15

so. I'm we're not being in a

17:17

party first. Know. I've. Decided

17:20

ah. But walks

17:22

he did say to me i almost fell,

17:24

almost got someone at the scene I've rarely

17:26

got. Someone at the scene. As you know, I'm

17:29

old fashioned. And

17:31

she was telling me that when made or ah

17:33

she's a whoa You know we we should us

17:35

navy realize something result but is only arrived at

17:37

the hotel. Last night in the first thing and debated in

17:40

the first thing they said to his was. A.

17:42

What we had commented on how they

17:45

used to have a beautiful city Mino

17:47

Icelandic put revolves his old that courses.

17:49

Since elements. In that the hotel

17:51

lobby through. It's such a shame he

17:53

got rid of those. Balls.

17:55

Is they look so beautiful? And apparently

17:58

the nice Icelandic. Gentlemen was. They

18:00

said yes they do. We had to.

18:02

It says things. Even getting a little

18:04

shaky here recently did. it is for

18:06

a full. Story.

18:10

Is issue those who Iceland and someone

18:13

says things have been getting a little

18:15

shaky here Recently a volcano is about.

18:17

Survive. In

18:25

Top Secret has his it's the Pranks can

18:28

assess as know Frank Skinner are all devastated

18:30

about that. He will be bad but I

18:32

am joined by. The Marvelous missed in

18:34

a valley. Antoine. That kids film

18:36

of us are as a kid's

18:39

book or with me reading my

18:41

celebrities my mom and marvelous listen

18:43

to those poses until I saw

18:45

him off on the swings of

18:47

into Piano really are a little

18:49

his his since you will nighttime

18:51

become a professor Santa Bella and.

18:54

I. Went sees. Oh.

19:00

Are used to be in that many years ago

19:02

I was with the savior on this show but

19:04

you put years blow me I. Was

19:07

I I I only ever had basic average

19:09

pop quiz knowledge. Brown will be a name

19:11

is up to be abandoned to do things

19:14

that is hop scene of like start like

19:16

it's not even I don't know, it's none.

19:18

Of us come close to Nevada. Really

19:21

like being a parent my brain

19:23

is marsh and I can't remember

19:25

much and being these days ago

19:28

my nose syndrome. But

19:30

I mentioned that you so. By. Far

19:33

and supreme me on things that people are supposed

19:35

to know. That

19:37

he will all about them. Like

19:39

I'm not maximum as you son of hunkers.

19:42

The I would say when it

19:44

comes to add skill: Nineteen seventies

19:46

men connect to the docks essays.

19:49

Vs it's I think save might be

19:51

the winner here. And. I'm happy

19:53

to the. Only

19:55

only and winner do we be real out

19:58

of. i I

20:00

was unavailable for comments at this time. Marvelous

20:04

Mr. Novelli and Steve Hall.

20:07

What's been happening with you? I

20:10

have had to spend weeks

20:13

solving a minor sort of domestic

20:15

issue. One of those things where you'd...

20:18

Are you airing your dirty linen in

20:20

public condition? I

20:22

was betrayed by my own mattress.

20:25

Oh my God. That's no way to

20:27

refer to your partner. It's

20:30

that sort of old 70s sexist thing. The

20:33

old mattress back home. I'm

20:35

having a few problems with the old mattress. One

20:38

of those pieces of slang where you'd accept it in

20:41

conversation, but you'd frown and think, is

20:43

that right? Do you know, I might test

20:45

it out. How's the old mattress? It's

20:48

not the old mattress thing. I just see if anyone

20:50

pulls me up on it. But see if anyone answers

20:53

literally or not and see if it works. Just see

20:55

if we can get it to stop trending on Twitter.

20:58

Hashtag has the old mattress. Hashtag

21:01

has the old mattress doing. Just

21:03

pretend that it's always been a thing.

21:05

Yeah, I guess go on. I don't know what you're talking

21:07

about. But do you not know the old mattress? The old

21:09

mattress? Yes, it's like ball and chain. Yeah,

21:12

you know, got to keep the old mattress happy. I

21:15

love my old mattress. Yeah, I should have lived

21:18

a few springs loose here, but that's part of

21:20

life. I mean, the old mattress went down there

21:22

for summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. And

21:25

when you say better half, you know, is

21:27

there a way you're better half tonight? Incorporate

21:30

mattress into that. Yeah, and where's

21:32

the other side of the mattress? Okay,

21:35

this is happening. I'm seeing this

21:37

happening. So sorry, back to you and your old

21:39

mattress. Betrayed. Betrayed. By

21:42

the old mattress? Yeah, by the old mattress.

21:44

What happened? Well, I woke up in a

21:46

ditch. I'll

21:48

explain later. I'll explain in a bit.

21:50

I'll tell you what, you certainly will.

21:53

The Fizz, Frank Skinner. The

21:56

Fizz. Absolute Radium. Please,

22:01

by the way, do get in touch with us. Have

22:03

we heard from any of our loyal readers

22:05

slash content creators? You were discussing

22:07

your friend in

22:10

the taxi fleeing, not fleeing,

22:13

moving towards the volcano. Yes.

22:16

An ultra-mugness, I was tweeted to say. At that

22:18

time of night, she was lucky to get a

22:20

cab to go south of the lava, which

22:23

I liked. Oh, my gosh. I thought it was very

22:25

droll. Oh, ultra-mugness. I

22:27

enjoy that enormously. Yeah.

22:29

Do you think the taxi drivers in Iceland have

22:31

a sort of stereotypical accent in the same way

22:34

that you have a sort of in your head,

22:36

you have this kind of cockney taxi driver in

22:38

London? Yes, I wonder if

22:40

they do. But have you been to Iceland?

22:43

No. I'm sure you have. You see who

22:45

they are? Someday. There's something quite Icelandic

22:48

about Pierre, wouldn't you say? I

22:51

can imagine you being a... Grim.

22:54

Grim. No. An elder. No,

22:58

absolutely. Desolate. No,

23:00

there is something very son of Johnson about you. Johnson.

23:06

And John's dottir. Yeah, dottir.

23:08

Dottir. You've got the dottir.

23:10

Yeah. Can you please...

23:12

Is there anything else you'd like to share

23:15

with us? Ruth Jordan. Oh, I love Ruth

23:17

Jordan. That's a fun question. Morning all. We've

23:19

had some unauthorised praise on the show this

23:21

morning, which is true. Is there

23:23

anything else the team will be getting up to while

23:25

Frank's away that he usually doesn't allow? Oh,

23:28

goodness. The mice

23:30

when you play tempted us now, Ruth. Yeah.

23:33

There'll be no blaspheming. No. That's

23:35

confusing to blaspheming, correct, I'm saying. No. Oh,

23:37

no. He wouldn't enjoy that. That would not

23:39

be good. No, I see us. We're

23:41

kind of like the supply teachers who are trying

23:43

to... Yeah. They're eager to please. We're

23:46

a bit, hey. Yeah.

23:48

Hey, we can do the lessons outside. Yeah, yeah. My

23:50

name's Will. None of this misstep stuff. Yeah,

23:52

not coming in and saying, okay. What

23:55

was Mr Skinner taking you through before?

23:58

What else can we say in Frank's absence? is

24:00

definitely real. Yes. Pat Point,

24:02

New Guinea exists. One

24:05

by one the sacred cow. And I never really

24:08

liked the Pope's red shoes. I

24:12

thought they were a fashion mistake. Do you think?

24:15

Let's not go on about it. I like

24:17

this job. In Frank's

24:19

absence today, Takis has issued a profit

24:22

warning. Can

24:26

we return to the subject of

24:29

the old mattress? The old mattress?

24:31

The old mattress then? She

24:34

betrayed me. Oh he's personalising

24:36

the mattress like a terrible 70s man

24:39

in his car. It's

24:42

sort of like a murder show where at the end

24:44

you've been caught. He betrayed me. So

24:47

tell us more about that. Tell me more. Tell me more.

24:49

Did you get very far? Well I woke up

24:51

in a ditch as I said but the trouble

24:54

was that the ditch was also my mattress. Oh

24:57

no. I'm a very

24:59

very heavy man. Need

25:04

I say more? I'm

25:07

a very very heavy man and

25:10

I thought I had bought

25:12

the sturdiest commercially available mattress.

25:15

What did you go for? You need the

25:18

special Henry VIII. Wow. I'll

25:20

tell you. Will you? Yeah.

25:22

Oh well don't hang about. Can't leave us

25:25

on tend to hurt. You

25:27

bought the sturdiest. How do you know it

25:29

was the sturdiest commercially available? So much

25:32

research. It wasn't

25:34

my first rodeo. Yeah. I'm a

25:36

very very heavy boy. I

25:40

want this to be a long running

25:42

catchphrase. I'm a very very heavy boy.

25:45

The marvellous Mr. Novelli.

25:48

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome? You've

25:50

loved this catchphrase on TV. I'm

25:53

a very very and I can imagine

25:55

this. What am I? A very very

25:58

heavy boy. Yay! I

26:02

can imagine them also maybe when they're doing a

26:04

they'll put you on the front cover of the

26:06

Sunday Express magazine And there'll be

26:08

a picture of you and they will be doing a part

26:10

might name. Yeah, he's

26:12

not heavy. He's my brother That's

26:15

what they do. Yeah When I

26:17

discover my long-lost brother, mm-hmm Now

26:20

it's getting a bit complicated. We gave you a catchphrase.

26:22

Do you know what just be happy with that? Okay?

26:26

Okay, yeah, okay Give

26:29

me a selfie Yeah,

26:39

Novelli, yeah was telling us about

26:41

his mattress woes being a very boy,

26:43

but he's a very heavy boy Yes,

26:45

and I am So

26:47

I thought I'd found the

26:49

mattress for the heavy boy heavy

26:52

boys choice And

26:55

I bought it with that in mind because I thought you know

26:57

you spend half your life on your mattress speak

27:00

for yourself if you're very very

27:02

heavy then it needs to be able to deal with

27:04

that and I

27:07

genuinely I'd never do this and I as

27:09

part of growing up I've been trying to

27:11

be more of an adult and do research

27:13

into important purchases. I

27:16

really did find like lists and Articles,

27:19

so I really went for it

27:21

Research wise and this thing just completely let

27:23

me down within a month. I was waking

27:25

up in a sort of divot. Oh Wow

27:29

my own making what is it king size? Yeah,

27:32

but I would wake up and then for you would that

27:34

would be normal Was

27:36

it king size or was it King Henry the eighth size?

27:39

Henry the eighth size after I'd slept in it

27:41

because I woke up in this sort of bum

27:43

ditch I'm imagining

27:45

you in like, you know when

27:47

Wiley coyote has fallen off a

27:49

cliff It

27:53

was more like you know sometimes When

27:56

in a movie an actor has to

27:58

be pregnant For a bit to the film and they wear it. That

28:00

of mad sake rather than yeah one

28:02

of those would a slotted perfectly into

28:04

the end and take our miami among

28:07

whom I consider buying one spitzer preferences

28:09

to fill in the mature so I

28:11

would wake up in this like ditch

28:13

and hood with it was were acting

28:16

my back to the sleeping like on

28:18

the I. I just wanna pull you up in.

28:20

Yeah, fly needed some understand and

28:22

I mean he is a summer

28:25

when necessary an. Easy

28:27

to do with you being

28:29

a very heavy boy. It's

28:31

a news. Is

28:34

that too much memory? Simon your mess

28:36

with it was a top layer of

28:38

fun and then and then spring underneath

28:41

her was a commemorative guineas Yes yes

28:43

it was against. A

28:46

com essa Cycles and. That sort

28:48

of swans. That's what I said. Cooler than

28:50

any. I did a small thing that people

28:52

didn't Sigma. Not processes and then it's at

28:54

the top. White, black, slightly sony so

28:57

flair and the rest of it could

28:59

be lovely. Talk placebo or do you

29:01

think in this. Text

29:03

and I play skinny or a regular.

29:06

People will make this happen. To know

29:08

the Guinness Marxists. That. The a

29:10

lot of drinkers the night that. On

29:13

I want for some access and a

29:15

ball. Owner. Of

29:17

that name is a Boxer you are

29:20

in about Ladino Matheson about know then

29:22

I don't have access to books. On

29:24

okay mattress in a box is pretty much

29:26

as it. Sounds have been. The

29:28

voice in the box. It's super convenient

29:30

and then you just open the box

29:33

and it takes about twenty four hours.

29:35

Oh yes I've I've gotten rolled up

29:37

like a big cigars to sort of

29:39

the Vols Yes my. Voice is

29:42

sick of all. mine was more. Not one

29:44

of those pop up the tense but it

29:46

took twenty four hours to planning for that.

29:48

Has not intend to Citizens really nervous

29:50

pet adjusting to a new house is

29:52

what a long as a. Slight when

29:54

a man's needs to be a

29:57

towering in the corner and send

29:59

see him. out of the shadows.

30:01

It was, I found it

30:03

very unnerving because it

30:05

was, I was still with the old

30:07

mattress. It was like a new partner

30:10

waiting in the wings for the relationship to

30:12

end and I could hear it.

30:14

I could hear the mattress evolving

30:17

in the darkness. I could hear

30:20

it. I felt its presence and I didn't like it.

30:22

I'd be worried that it would never stop growing. It

30:25

would be a little shop of horrors type

30:27

mattress. It

30:31

was an evolving life form. And

30:34

then I went in one day and it

30:37

existed. It took over and

30:40

I had to say goodbye to the old mattress.

30:44

Unfortunately it was an emotional

30:46

goodbye. It's not you, it's me. But

30:49

yeah, that's pretty much what I said to you.

30:51

That's private between us. But

30:56

what I realised is I

30:59

opted for foam. I opted

31:02

for hybrid with

31:04

my new, I'm calling it chrysalis mattress.

31:08

Because what I realised is

31:10

that I need, I like the memory foam,

31:12

I like softness but I must

31:15

have a hint of bounciness. I

31:17

wonder if you've made an error and

31:19

you've gone too deep into memory foam

31:21

territory. Yeah, I think that was

31:24

part of that. I needed a bouncy hint. Is that

31:26

the worst night's sleep you've had? Is that the worst

31:28

thing? The worst series of nights, yeah, waking up in

31:30

a bum divot. Is that the

31:32

worst thing you've ever slept on? In fact,

31:36

I would like, maybe I'll read his context in,

31:38

what is the worst thing you've ever slept on?

31:41

Yes. Yes. I

31:44

can, I once, I didn't sleep on this

31:46

myself, but I once

31:48

made an ex of mine sleep

31:50

on a superman, Superman as I

31:52

call him, Superman towel.

31:56

Because We'd had an argument and I was annoyed

31:58

and I don't think we'd moved into a flat,

32:00

we didn't have a flat. that much money to

32:02

the wouldn't want to prefer so for that you

32:04

could sleep on My dad thinks I'm always annoyed

32:06

to see said out all night so I threw

32:08

the Superman towel head on. I says he could

32:10

sleep look. Nice much a lot of

32:12

people live A naughty step is to

32:14

sleep on the Superbowl, sleep on the

32:17

same some on how anniversary if. You.

32:19

Will stay out all night. It's

32:21

a superman. Policies. We

32:30

were discussing your the worst night's sleep

32:32

piglet or had an and adams as

32:34

takes to to say yes at the

32:37

morning to the reserve team he says

32:39

kicks off with. Is

32:42

it on how tabs on

32:44

Cs. Lewis something as the town

32:46

about wearing hi this is. Not

32:48

since about system mine and jogging to

32:51

system in any way. And yes we

32:53

are. We have built something of that about

32:55

Awesome. And Adams has on a rugby tool.

32:57

I swam out to sleep on a fishing

32:59

boat. I slept on the nets and found

33:02

out or is allergic when I woke up

33:04

looking like the Roots assault and uncertain this

33:06

team. Sleeping on the cease

33:08

nesting Know. I thought

33:10

like not. And with and is allergic

33:13

to in the messenger? Yeah to that. That

33:16

is the plastic own Generale. Maybe

33:18

it's the same. The.

33:20

Residue. An. Idiot savant cities.

33:22

And suburbs. How are we going to

33:24

end of his as an interest in

33:26

Ssssss ads him German Fleet on twitter

33:28

is said that his cousin once what

33:30

about the drink and out when it's

33:32

that Illinois in a putting green sand

33:34

buncombe. I

33:36

like ah, Sunbird might be a nice

33:39

place to sleep. Cozy one. The notice

33:41

he weighs helped lead Sir Donald Trump's face.

33:44

Looking at of years ago. Waking

33:46

up with this is a volcano. Ah,

33:48

there's orange. Everywhere as far as the

33:51

L A to Z Molson over and

33:53

phone for be some. Say

33:55

I sales of even addressing this subject.

33:57

I mean, Frank Skinner has already won.

34:00

this hand down given that he wants

34:02

to hook up on a central reservation.

34:04

Yes, and the various waste

34:07

ground episodes. On the form

34:09

of his life, currently, the time, five

34:11

stars. To

34:14

put the mattress issue to bed,

34:16

Neil Mattress, I did even more

34:18

research after I kept waking up

34:20

in a bum ditch in

34:23

my mattress. And it

34:25

turns out that I'm actually heavier

34:27

than the average sleeper is

34:29

expected to be at the maximum

34:31

range. Really? The most that a

34:34

mattress company would expect a person

34:36

to weigh is about

34:38

my goal weight at the moment. What

34:40

are you doing? How heavy are the

34:43

sleepers? How heavy mattress America,

34:45

how heavy mattress Texas. Well, if you're

34:47

getting into America, that's a whole different

34:49

way. But I knew that America was

34:51

the country to solve this for me.

34:54

None of these thin English men, with their

34:56

little spectacles, weighing them down. No,

34:59

I needed. The pain is sitting right here. I

35:02

needed mattresses from a country where everyone has

35:05

meat for breakfast and milkshakes for lunch.

35:09

From a country where I told you this, didn't I, when I

35:11

went to Mexico on a holiday with my sister and

35:13

we got on the tour mini bus and

35:16

the woman said to the charming

35:18

guy, excuse me, we have an

35:20

ombre grande with us. He's

35:22

going to need a little extra help.

35:24

I need an ombre grande. And I

35:27

got an ombre grande mattress from some

35:29

weirdos in Kings Lynn in Norfolk who

35:31

forged me a sort of

35:33

bulletproof. Were

35:35

they craftsmen? They were craftsmen. I

35:38

imagined it like that scene in Lord of the Rings

35:40

where they're all pouring metal into the

35:42

molds. I like the challenge, Annika,

35:44

to it. We're going to make

35:46

a challenge. Yes, exactly. This

35:48

guy needs a bed and he's so heavy.

35:51

And then there's sort of like at

35:53

least a team of hundreds of people

35:55

assembled at the end in high vis,

35:57

tabards, crying. Yes, exactly. the

36:00

mattress. But yeah, I

36:02

just want to say thank you Nick Knowles and all of

36:04

the team. Just loads of workers

36:07

with ropes and sort of shirtless men

36:09

forging this

36:12

kind of teams of people dragging it

36:14

with ropes like in Les Mis. Always

36:18

be a slave. They made

36:20

me a bed. It's

36:22

bulletproof. It's very, I carried a watermelon.

36:25

They made me a bed. They made me a bed. Can

36:28

you catch me? Frank

36:31

Skinner. Absolute radio. Now

36:36

I would love to talk to you about

36:38

Matchsticks and the Eiffel Tower.

36:40

That doesn't surprise me, Steve, at all.

36:42

It seems very used. I've

36:44

been gripped by this story, this

36:47

unfolding drama this week. I don't

36:49

know if you saw this story.

36:51

It's a Frenchman called Richard Plaud.

36:53

I'm not sure how that Plaud,

36:56

who spent eight years building

36:58

a massive 23 foot... Sorry,

37:03

I'm still soggerts. Pierre

37:05

saying, Plaud, under

37:07

his breath. Plaud, Plaud, Plaud. It

37:10

sounds like a Frenchman, Frenchman,

37:12

like Superman. It sounds like

37:14

a Frenchman sort of laughing

37:16

at a British policeman. Hello,

37:18

Plaud. Hello,

37:22

hello, hello, hello, Plaud. We

37:24

must scar-pair. It is the old

37:26

Plaud, the old bill. When a

37:28

foreign person has learned vocabulary a

37:31

generation older than they should

37:33

have. Yes, absolutely. What if a Plaud

37:35

shows up, we will have to scar-pair?

37:38

And can we say Pierre, with a surname like

37:40

Novelli, is it allowed to make these jokes?

37:43

Yes. Novelli's Italian, Pierre's

37:45

French, so I'm covered for two silly

37:47

accents. Oh yes, you're right. I can

37:49

do some Giuseppe hand-waving as well. I've

37:51

offended the French, the Italians and possibly

37:53

some South African, however. I do apologise

37:55

to all three nations. But

37:58

yes, I saw this. about

38:01

Richard Blud.

38:04

I'm sorry, all right. I'm guessing. So he

38:06

spent eight years building this

38:08

23-foot model of the Eiffel Tower.

38:12

Eight years of his life. Do you like

38:14

that Pierre's laughing and Steve's thinking nothing

38:16

to see here, perfectly normal. And

38:19

obviously he seemingly had done it to break

38:21

the world record. It didn't appear to be,

38:23

he was doing it for the love of

38:25

the matchstick game. It appeared to be he

38:28

was hungry for the glory and nothing else.

38:30

People are in it just for the titles

38:32

these days. It's a real shame. This was

38:34

the Eiffel Tower. It took him eight years

38:37

to build. Am I right in saying it's,

38:39

he wanted to build the world's tallest structure

38:41

using matchsticks. Yes, actually mate is. He used

38:43

23 kilograms of glue, which I

38:46

presume is why he thought it was a good idea because the fumes

38:48

are affecting his structure. But

38:50

also, didn't the actual Eiffel Tower,

38:53

didn't that take about two years to

38:55

build. It's basically taken

38:57

six years longer to build

39:00

a matchstick Eiffel Tower. Much more

39:02

flammable Eiffel Tower. Yes, that might

39:04

suggest a much more vulnerable structure

39:07

than the actual Eiffel Tower. And

39:10

then it was not accepted initially

39:12

as a world record because he

39:14

had used the wrong sort of

39:16

matches because he had

39:19

got bored of cutting off the

39:21

red sulphurous tips. The

39:24

quote was he realised that cutting off the

39:26

tips would be a long and tedious process.

39:29

Whereas obviously the rest of it is absolutely

39:31

delight. Hang on blood. Hang on

39:33

blood. Also, I find

39:36

it a bit strange that I

39:38

imagine if you're going into any sort

39:41

of Guinness world record, or as I

39:43

believe they like to be called now

39:45

in a slight youthful rebrand, GWR. Hello

39:49

GWR. Which is a great question.

39:51

No, but they call themselves Guinness world

39:53

records, GWR.

39:57

I think it's a bit strange that...

40:00

He suddenly struck him, I don't know

40:02

if I can be bothered. I

40:04

think if that thought process ever enters your

40:06

head, maybe trying to break a Guinness World

40:09

Record, you're

40:11

not the right man for the job. It's an odd place

40:13

to draw the line. Well obviously I'll make an Eiffel Tower

40:15

of Matchsticks, but I'm not snipping the ends on Matchsticks. You

40:17

have to bore him. What do you think I am? Some

40:19

kind of loser. Exactly. I'm a little bit of a ab.

40:21

Yeah, you should. I think

40:24

that's a lovely place to go and show a break, Steve. Absolute

40:30

radio. We

40:34

are discussing the Eiffel

40:36

Tower Matchstick. Mr.

40:39

Plud. I call that the

40:41

Eiffel Tower Matchstick. That doesn't actually make any

40:43

sense. That would be a matchstick as big

40:45

as the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I meant to

40:47

say the Eiffel Tower constructed of

40:50

Matchsticks. Yes. It was a very

40:52

big deal out of Matchsticks, and it didn't

40:55

initially, the Guinness World

40:57

of Records, they

41:01

rejected it, didn't they? They did, because

41:03

it wasn't made of commercially available Matchsticks.

41:07

It was deemed invalid. And

41:09

then to rub it in for poor Mr.

41:11

Plud, his wife then achieved the World Record

41:14

for the longest and loudest laugh of all

41:16

time. But

41:19

it was because he didn't want to

41:21

snip the ends off the Matchsticks, which

41:23

is fair enough. Well, because

41:25

he couldn't be bothered according to Steve,

41:28

which again I think might rule him

41:30

out, the necessary nerdishness required. Well,

41:33

so he started ordering sort of

41:35

raw Matchsticks from the factory

41:37

in massive boxes. I wouldn't be at

41:39

all worried if my partner was doing

41:41

that. Search history. Ten thousand boxes of

41:43

Matchsticks. And if

41:45

they don't have the sulphurous tips, they're not

41:47

matches. He's ordered sticks. Well,

41:49

this is the thing. This is the thing

41:51

that Guinness initially said, and it is gutting.

41:54

I mean, imagine going for like beard of

41:56

bees and finding out that they were the

41:58

wrong species of bees. you'd been covering

42:01

your head with. Can I ask a

42:03

question? No offence, Steve Hall. Go

42:06

for it. But we've both accepted. Absolutely.

42:09

Uh, Pianavalli, why

42:12

is Guinness World of Records anything to

42:15

do with the brewery? Yes,

42:17

they sponsored it. They started it, actually. Oh, I

42:20

knew he did. It was the brainchild of a...

42:22

Well, it was a branch of my blood called

42:24

Hugh Beaver, which is how...

42:26

It couldn't really be any more

42:28

1950s. Hugh Beaver, he led... Hello,

42:30

Beaver here, Guinness World of Records. He

42:33

led a thing called the Beaver Committee, which sounds

42:35

like a 1980s teen film. But

42:39

he led to the Clean Air Act of 1956 after the Great

42:41

Smog of 1952. But

42:45

this is how 1950s Englander is. Steve,

42:49

you know what you're sounding a bit like.

42:51

You're sounding like the kind of person that

42:54

might construct a matchstick tower

42:56

out of 700,000 matchsticks. And

42:59

there's some Tory Grandy who was

43:01

involved in the funding. Who was that? Well,

43:04

because of Emily's showbiz connections, I was

43:06

always wondering if you ever met Norris

43:09

McWherter. That's who I was, yeah. No,

43:13

but David Bidele... There's

43:16

a David Bidele, Frank Skinner story

43:18

associated with this. Perhaps our readers

43:20

can fill us in. I always

43:22

find it helpful. I always like

43:24

it when people fill me in

43:26

on bits of biographical information about

43:28

my high-profile friends. There

43:31

was some story. David did a show

43:33

about this, something for Sky Arts. There's

43:37

a Norris McWherter story involving David

43:39

and Frank, maybe. Do you know

43:41

about this? I vaguely know the story. There's

43:43

a possibility that that story is too dark

43:45

for breakfast. Oh, I do apologize. I'm sorry.

43:49

Which, ironically, would upset Norris

43:51

McWherter. I think Norris McWherter

43:53

made an appearance at David's school. Oh,

43:56

yeah. And expressed some views that

43:58

were not necessary. in

44:00

keeping with the multicultural ethos of that

44:02

school. Guinness World Record for worst appearance

44:04

at school. As

44:07

guest speaker. Is it perhaps?

44:12

It's not working, let's move on. No,

44:14

too late, we've lost the moment. That's

44:16

the worst thing that's ever happened. You

44:18

know when Frank gets upset about the

44:21

jingles not working, I think, why are you making

44:23

such a fuss? Frank's cackin'

44:25

on Absolute Radio. You

44:28

are listening to the Frank Skinner Show.

44:30

I'm not Frank Skinner. I cannot apologise

44:33

enough for that. But

44:35

I am here with the marvellous Mr

44:37

Novellis. And Steve Paul. You

44:41

can text the show on 812.15. You can

44:43

follow us on X and Instagram at

44:45

Frank on the radio, or you can

44:47

email us via frank at absolute radio.co

44:49

dot UK. We've been

44:51

discussing all sorts this morning. Volcanic eruptions.

44:55

Pierre's mattresses. Yes, my

44:57

betrayal. Your old mattress. My old

44:59

mattress. Google it. And

45:02

we've also been talking

45:05

about the matchstick Eiffel

45:07

Tower, which took this

45:09

gentleman Richard, Richard?

45:12

Richard Ploude. Richard Ploude. I

45:15

believe it was eight years to construct. And

45:17

as we've already established, two years, two

45:20

months for the actual Eiffel Tower. Eight

45:22

years of what we are calling his life. Of

45:25

what we're calling his life. Medically,

45:28

we must term his life. Yeah. Well,

45:31

he... So, eventually...

45:34

It's not the same size as the Eiffel Tower,

45:36

either. Yeah. It's 23 feet tall. I think it's

45:38

like 1.45. How

45:40

tall is that? Give me something to

45:42

compare that to, boys. Seven metres.

45:44

It's four doors. Oh,

45:47

I like that. Do you know what? I can

45:49

work with that. Oh,

45:51

that's up there with I'm a heavy boy.

45:54

I'm a heavy boy. It's four doors. I

45:56

mean, what kind of doors are we talking?

45:58

Are we talking the Brunelleschi doors? Yeah,

46:00

box standard. Oh, we're not

46:02

talking cathedrals. No, no, no. They're high,

46:04

those doors, aren't they? They have to get

46:07

them specially made by the same people who made my

46:09

mattress, I think. LAUGHTER People

46:11

wearing sort of leggings

46:14

and smocks. What's

46:16

your favourite cathedral doors? My favourite

46:18

cathedral doors? Oh, it's got to

46:20

be Durham every time. OK. Oh,

46:23

that's a realty. I was in York, I walked

46:25

past the minster last week in York, and that's

46:27

a beautiful thing. But what are the doors like?

46:30

The frontage is all very well. Did

46:33

you notice the doors? LAUGHTER

46:39

So, anyway, this matchstick chap, he...

46:42

Oh, wouldn't he hate it if I referred to him

46:44

in that way? This matchstick man. I

46:46

felt the matchstick man got... I

46:50

don't know, I didn't feel entirely comfortable with

46:52

this story. And can I tell you why? Because

46:56

originally, the... Hello,

46:59

GWR, the Guinness World of

47:01

Records, when he submitted

47:03

his entry, they rejected it, as we've

47:05

established, because they said he

47:08

views the wrong matches. Yes.

47:10

Essentially. On a technicality. Oh,

47:13

well... Oh, as I call it, the rules.

47:15

Yes, yes. OK. Or one of them just

47:17

thought, what if I... Wouldn't

47:20

it be fun to break this man's brain?

47:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well... Well, I'm seeing... Let's

47:24

have a little bit of chaos. OK,

47:27

I'm seeing a little bit of a division arising

47:29

here in how we

47:31

view this. Yeah. Because I took those

47:33

as the established rules, which

47:35

you're meant to work within, OK? Mm-hm.

47:38

Which he broke willfully, knowing those

47:40

rules. And

47:42

the Guinness World of Records said, I'm

47:44

awfully sorry, and I imagine they are

47:47

the type to say awfully. Yeah. I

47:49

said, I'm awfully sorry. It's just not

47:51

going to work, I'm afraid. And

47:53

they rejected it. So what did he do? He

47:55

went on X. And

47:58

he... He left a sort of... tweets

48:00

whatever you call what do you call

48:02

what do you call a tweet now that there's

48:04

no such thing as Twitter and except

48:06

yeah he left a post on

48:09

X and he loves post and

48:18

after this the

48:20

Guinness World of Records did

48:23

a complete roll far they

48:25

did they said

48:27

oh dear we

48:29

cannot apologize enough for the

48:32

distress caused actual

48:36

distress they referred to he he

48:39

said well it's been an emotional roller

48:42

coaster that I never lost hope they

48:44

gave it to him yeah I mean

48:46

I think which I think is fair

48:49

I think if you're Guinness as well well if

48:51

you're Guinness you might be thinking people

48:54

people are a lot less bored than they

48:56

used to be and we're running out of

48:58

records so we can't afford to demotivate these

49:00

lunes and they can't afford the PR disaster

49:02

it was a bit of a PR disaster

49:04

for them and they've they've had been in

49:07

trouble in recent years because they are often

49:09

courted by authoritarian governments

49:11

so the leader of

49:13

Turkmenistan is apparently obsessed

49:15

with getting world records

49:18

and Guinness have gone along with it so

49:20

so the leader of Turkmenistan their

49:23

country has the world's largest ferris wheel and

49:25

the world's largest horse head statute personality

49:31

always a bit of propaganda it's

49:33

a Guinness World of Records world's best

49:36

leader every

49:39

year Guinness World of

49:42

Records says most synchronized dancing

49:44

in a raid most hair

49:46

on a leader's head in

49:48

the history of the world

49:50

happiest population no matter what

49:52

anyone says shiniest

49:55

buttons ever And

50:03

we've heard from the outside world that one

50:06

of us, wonderfully named Elvis

50:08

Precisely, has

50:10

waited to say morning all according

50:12

to Alexa, today is the 900th

50:15

Frank Skinner show, surely deserving

50:17

of a small fanfare. He said, I also

50:19

realised I've been listening too long when I

50:21

involuntarily sang Mattress in a Box. I know,

50:23

I know it's serious. It's a happy anniversary.

50:25

Oh, thank you, dear. Oh,

50:29

it goes

50:36

on too long, Matt, and there. But

50:38

you nailed, you nailed the jingle. Let's not, let's not

50:40

bury the leap. Don't patronise me, Mr. It

50:44

all worked out. Yes. Well,

50:48

that's good news. What

50:52

do we, is there an anniversary? You

50:54

know, there's like the diamond and platinum and

50:56

nine. What do we get people

50:58

when they turn 900? Again,

51:00

A1215, I'm not happy for people to

51:03

text it. A Uranium anniversary. What do you get

51:05

when you turn 900? That's

51:07

a big, lovely gem of Uranium.

51:11

The Urani jubes we're celebrating.

51:15

Have we heard anything

51:17

else from our friends

51:19

throughout the week? Because

51:21

I do like it

51:24

when our friends get in touch. You know, I'm

51:26

actually referring to them as my friends now. This

51:29

is where we've got to. Now, but they are our friends, aren't

51:31

they, our listeners? And they've been in touch

51:34

midweek. Our midweek correspondence?

51:37

Yes, Adrian and Cheedle Hume,

51:40

which sounds made up to me. Where's

51:43

that Steve? It sounds made up to me. It's

51:45

Hume, it sounds Manchestery. Cheedle, Stockport. Stockport, there we

51:47

are. Got it. So Frank was

51:49

mentioning that he'd visited the Colonel's grave. Oh,

51:52

yeah. Of KFC fame. Yeah.

51:54

Which I imagine is shaped like a bucket. And

51:57

so it's not a fictional character, however. he

52:00

says regarding graves that

52:02

are of sort of semi-fictional characters or

52:05

legendary characters, I went to Verona and

52:07

they had not only Juliet's balcony in

52:10

Verona in quotes but also

52:12

Romeo's house and I

52:14

kid you not Juliet's grave where

52:17

you can find tearful mourners leaving

52:19

flowers on a regular basis. Just

52:21

on Juliet? It's sexist. Also not

52:23

real. Can

52:26

you imagine the American high school

52:28

English teachers leaving flowers at their

52:30

grave? Oh yeah. A

52:33

lot of laughing at completely obscure

52:35

puns happening in that demographic. Oh

52:38

they love that. As

52:41

a comedian I do resent that laughter.

52:43

Do you? Yeah you watch

52:46

a Shakespeare play and then someone goes there and

52:48

thinks there's more than a little leather about his

52:50

brow and everyone laughs and you go okay what

52:52

how many dictionaries am I

52:54

gonna need to understand this hilarious joke?

52:57

Seven references deep. Oh beggars would wear leather

52:59

hats and so technically what he's saying and

53:02

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah very funny. You

53:04

see I'm struggling to relate to this because I did

53:06

grow up with a father who used to really

53:08

get angry with us if we didn't laugh

53:10

enough. And that's

53:12

funnier than that? Yeah Shakespearean jokes. Show

53:15

us some appreciation. That's how jokes work

53:17

you decide they're funny and then you

53:19

choose when to laugh. I would cringe

53:21

where there'd be some really obscure

53:23

like I bet sir and I'd

53:25

and my father would be going

53:27

huh huh oh oh

53:30

awful awful. But yeah

53:32

actually Adrian in Sheedle's Humes

53:34

says have any other readers

53:36

visited similarly oddly fictional places?

53:39

Yeah or sort of fictional sites. I've seen a

53:41

sort of Muhr... every now and then you get

53:43

like a sort of a statue of Merlin somewhere

53:46

or King Arthur or something. I can't bear it.

53:48

It makes me feel so sick.

53:51

It really does. It's like things

53:53

like the Harry Potter platform. That's

53:55

the big one. What do you mean? It's not real. That's the

53:57

big one of our time. True. difficult

54:00

because I'm whenever I see that people

54:03

are experiencing joy and yet I'm

54:05

filled with a rage. Yes and

54:08

you have to if you want to go to the

54:10

toilets in King's Cross you have to try and fight

54:12

your way through a bunch of queuing nerds. So hang

54:14

on what happens at the platform is it just a

54:16

pretend thing we all have to pretend it's real? You

54:19

take a photo holding a trolley that's going through

54:21

a wall. And what happens do you

54:23

not go through the wall? No. Why do you go

54:25

there? But

54:27

what's the point? It's just

54:29

a waste of light. Yeah

54:32

and it's when it's the same photo again and again

54:34

and again there's nothing. Just photoshop yourself in. I don't

54:36

know if anyone's thinking like maybe this is going to

54:38

be the one I'm going to go in. Just

54:41

go to there are lots of real

54:43

magical places you can go to. Yeah.

54:45

Oh no Pierre go to a lovely

54:48

cathedral with Pierre. Look at the doors. Look

54:51

at the doors. Frank Skinner on

54:54

absolute radio. We

54:57

are in the studio with Steve

55:00

Hall and Pierre Novelli. Well

55:02

good morning a bit late in the day mate it's been three

55:04

hours. And I

55:07

want to know what's been happening in

55:09

the world of Steve Hall. Well I heard

55:11

we were talking about bad night's sleep. I've been

55:13

on tour with Mr. Steve Williams

55:16

erstwhile of this parish. Lovely. And it's

55:18

been lots and lots of fun and

55:20

every now and then we find ourselves in a

55:22

big city on a Saturday night where hotels are

55:24

expensive. Yeah. And I have been given that I

55:26

have children I've been trying to stretch the pennies

55:28

as far as I can. And if

55:31

you're a member of a theatre union god

55:33

bless equity you can sign up to certain

55:35

theatre digs sites. Oh yes of

55:38

course. And save yourself a large amount

55:40

of money. So I've used the official

55:42

ones and they've been brilliant. Really? And I

55:44

went maverick in York last this is

55:46

last Saturday night. Yeah. I found for

55:49

25 pounds cash I found

55:51

a place to stay and we were discussing the

55:53

worst night's sleep anyone's ever had. That was my

55:55

worst night's sleep as soon as I entered that

55:58

flat. Every penny. that

56:00

I didn't spend started laughing at me. I

56:03

was on top of a child's bunk bed with

56:06

one of those units that

56:08

kids would have underneath. Oh my God.

56:11

Any writing you wanted to do? You

56:13

didn't have a desk. I had a

56:16

desk. I'm 47 years

56:18

old so climbing up

56:20

this child's step ladder.

56:22

Imagine Pierre. I'd like to see you

56:24

at the top of the child's bunk bed. I'm

56:27

five foot ten. My

56:30

feet were hanging over the edge of the bed

56:32

and every time I moved the whole thing was

56:34

wobbling. So I was having images

56:36

of just going through several floors with a like

56:38

sleeping on a ship and a storm. Hang

56:41

on. Was your friend Steve Willing? Was he

56:43

on the lower bunk? Steve

56:45

is willing to spend more money so Steve

56:47

found a nice hotel to travel on. And

56:50

I was texting him going I'm genuinely fearful

56:52

for my life I think about the collapse

56:54

through a bed. There

56:56

was on the table in my

56:59

room there was some nuts and

57:01

bolts and a latch. When you say my room

57:03

I like that you're trying to dignify it. What

57:05

do you mean it's your child's bedroom? Did

57:09

you feel like a very lazy

57:11

burglar? You said wow I'll just

57:13

lie down. I let it

57:15

lie down. I slept in my clothes. It was

57:17

that bad. And there was a latch and when

57:19

I checked in they said oh yeah we were

57:22

going to attach that to the door

57:24

to give you some privacy but we didn't have time. We

57:27

didn't have time. We were raised off

57:29

off. You're building your bed. And

57:32

your desk area with animal poise lamp for you

57:34

to do all your revisions. Did

57:38

you have a little easel? It

57:40

was there were like there were a few things that were clearly

57:42

from whichever child had used it. There

57:44

were a couple of toys that

57:46

were wrapped. Maybe some nice dinosaur

57:48

stickers. Yeah dinosaur stickers go in the dark on

57:51

the ceiling for you. I had

57:53

a similar experience when I had to sleep in a single

57:56

bed thing that was I

57:59

checked. I said, checked in.

58:01

I talked to a lady in a doorway.

58:03

The concept of checking in is somewhat

58:06

different now. Checking in. Are you the

58:08

person? Yes. Checking in is now. Hello?

58:11

Yeah. And she said,

58:13

oh, you paid, I splashed

58:15

out, Steve, extra fiver for a double

58:17

bed. Very nice. Yeah. And

58:19

she said, oh, you paid extra for the double bed.

58:21

And I said, yeah, she went, oh, there's bad news.

58:23

A very large gentleman stayed last night. And I don't

58:26

know what he did, but the bed, it was

58:29

in beds. So this

58:31

is an enormous bed. I'm not getting an idea of what

58:33

he did. But anyway. He just

58:35

destroyed it, apparently. And so they kind of wheeled

58:37

in this child's bed for me to

58:40

sleep in. And they'd done a creepiest thing in the world. They placed it

58:42

in the exact center of the room.

58:45

The bed wasn't touching any walls. Oh,

58:47

very. There's

58:50

something very Stephen King about that.

58:53

I walked in and I went, oh, I

58:55

bet there was horrible, creepy horror film music.

58:57

There's a way you would levitate halfway through

59:00

the night. Oh, I don't like

59:02

that. Something about the child's bed. I

59:04

mean, bunk beds in general have always

59:06

slightly given me the creeps. Even

59:08

when I was a kid, I remember being sent

59:11

on a, I say sent, I mean, I elected

59:13

to go, but it was one of those children's

59:15

holiday camps, you know, where

59:17

you'd be sent away. And it was

59:20

wonderful, darling, all the loads of activities,

59:22

crafts, performance, some outdoor

59:24

things as well, apparently, other children

59:27

do. And then you realize

59:29

your parents just wanted to go out to parties

59:31

and things and wanted to get rid of you for

59:33

like two months. But you know what?

59:35

As soon as I turned up, I remember just seeing the

59:37

bunk beds in my heart song. I thought,

59:39

how am I meant to work with that? I don't

59:43

want some random on a bunk. What

59:45

am I, sailor? I'm

59:48

sorry you had to go through that, Steve. I

59:50

think you deserve better than that. Thank you. What

59:53

do you think, Pierre? Maybe. Steve

1:00:02

Hall, you were telling us

1:00:04

about your somewhat tragic night

1:00:06

on top of a child's bunk bed.

1:00:08

Yes, that was traumatic. And then the

1:00:10

second worst night sleeper we had, we

1:00:13

travelled to Australia for a month over

1:00:15

the Christmas period and we

1:00:18

went saving pennies because the Christmas flights were

1:00:21

expensive, we went via Vietnam Airlines. Oh,

1:00:23

how was that? You

1:00:25

should never book a thing that could be the title of an

1:00:27

Oliver Stone film. Yeah. And

1:00:30

we had a 14 hour layover in... I

1:00:32

can't believe that's got me cancelling my platoon tour.

1:00:36

My magic bullet train. It

1:00:39

was a 14 hour layover in Ho Chi Minh City.

1:00:42

And if you're a British passport holder, you don't

1:00:44

need a visa to enter Vietnam. If you're Australian,

1:00:46

it's my wife. You

1:00:48

need a visa. So

1:00:52

I was saying to my wife, for

1:00:54

several months, you need to sort your visa out.

1:00:57

And she kept saying, no, no, it's fine. I've

1:01:00

got more important things to do. They say it'll

1:01:02

turn around in a week. They all chilled out.

1:01:04

That's why I gave it all as now to

1:01:06

Paul Hoege. You

1:01:10

call that a visa? The

1:01:12

employment mongrel. And

1:01:15

I was saying it's not necessarily the

1:01:17

most bureaucratically swift of nations. And

1:01:20

she got angry with me. You can see where this is

1:01:22

heading. We arrive in Vietnam.

1:01:24

Her visa has not come through. And

1:01:28

I am. But we hadn't told the kids

1:01:30

because we didn't want to upset them. And

1:01:32

all of a sudden, she has detained immigration.

1:01:35

Which isn't remotely upsetting or traumatic.

1:01:38

And with me having to not say the words,

1:01:40

I told you so. How late

1:01:42

did she leave? Maybe

1:01:45

three days before we moved. That's

1:01:47

cutting it to the wire. It

1:01:49

was kind of incredible bureaucratic efficiency. What's

1:01:52

she hoping for? Do you like the

1:01:54

way Pierre and I, I like the way we

1:01:56

reacted to that. As if we were visa officials

1:01:58

and you're all about it. How long

1:02:00

did she leave it now? Cowboys, Cowboys mate.

1:02:03

You don't want to do that. She had 14 hours

1:02:05

on her own in Ho Chi Minh City Airport. I

1:02:08

took the kids. We got a nice hotel. The kids had to swim. Oh,

1:02:10

hang on. Sorry, you left her there.

1:02:12

Yeah, absolutely. I think the Vietnamese

1:02:14

border police left her there. Come

1:02:17

on, you abandoned her and went off and had

1:02:19

to swim. She never got to enter Vietnam at

1:02:21

all. We had a nice time and I now

1:02:23

call her Miss Saigon. That's great. Am I crazy?

1:02:25

I have 14 hours in an airport on my

1:02:27

own. I sound pretty good.

1:02:31

Sounds pretty good. You have a lot of breakfast

1:02:33

and you get moved on. You're only allowed two

1:02:35

hours in the lounge and you want to have

1:02:37

some issues because she was being moved. I'll let

1:02:39

the littlest hobo move from place to place. It's

1:02:41

like I've come Hank's. What

1:02:44

is it? Terminal. Terminal, yes. Also,

1:02:46

she was literally living in the airport. She would

1:02:48

have slept in some funny places. Yeah, I don't

1:02:51

I don't wish to suggest anything on toward

1:02:53

about your relationship. But

1:02:56

I bet she ended up on some hard surfaces.

1:02:58

Yeah, absolutely. She would have loved a bunk bed. She

1:03:01

had dreamed of a bomb divot. And

1:03:06

yeah, I resisted Saigon told you so I mean

1:03:08

admittedly I have saved it up. I talked about

1:03:10

it on national radio now. I can't pretend baby.

1:03:14

I think it's very kind and sensitive

1:03:16

to the way you've dealt with this

1:03:18

and I particularly like the

1:03:21

idea of you frolicking in the pool

1:03:23

with cocktails. Whilst your

1:03:25

wife is stuck in an airport terminal

1:03:29

being heavily questioned by

1:03:31

Vietnamese officials. Marriage.

1:03:42

Boys, we

1:03:45

discussed the other day. Oh, I

1:03:47

discovered rather thanks to you and

1:03:49

Frank Emily Bifo the bear

1:03:51

who looks like a sort

1:03:53

of disgusting long half

1:03:55

human half a bear awful

1:03:58

disgusting face. Imagine

1:04:00

being called Disgusting Faith. If I saw Biff

1:04:02

O the Bear anywhere outside

1:04:05

of Chernobyl, I would immediately

1:04:07

reach for a gun. I

1:04:11

think not. I think anyone from the bear

1:04:14

community isn't listening. No. I

1:04:16

mean the real bear community. The real bears. No,

1:04:18

they're... What we discovered, Steve, have you come across Biff O

1:04:20

the Bear's work? I'd heard it on

1:04:22

the show. It was one of those names I was aware

1:04:24

of and I knew there was a connection to the Beano.

1:04:27

Yes. Well, you knew Biff O the

1:04:29

Bear was one of my showbiz content hacks. I

1:04:31

realised I'd never actually seen his face. Have

1:04:34

you seen it yet? And I have now seen it and... He's

1:04:37

got rather human... He's got Veneers,

1:04:39

potentially, in a bear face. Yeah,

1:04:41

he's got horrible turkey teeth. He's got the

1:04:43

sort of bear. He went to Turkey with

1:04:45

a love island contestant. With a Beano money.

1:04:49

He got all that Beano money. Yeah. And

1:04:52

he went for one of those package cosmetic

1:04:54

dentistry shorts. Oh, he's going to be on the side

1:04:56

bar of the daily mail under the GC. Do

1:04:59

you think that's why all... Wearing his

1:05:01

red leder hose. Poured into

1:05:03

his red leder hose and Biff O the Bear

1:05:05

throws off his turkey teeth. My nightmare

1:05:08

dentistry. Maybe that's why his limbs are so long and

1:05:10

thin. He was sold to the arch

1:05:12

of his time. Horrible.

1:05:15

But at some point the Beano had a meeting and

1:05:17

said, What if there was a sort of charming prankster

1:05:19

little boy instead of a disgusting bear mucin? I would

1:05:21

tell better. And they were right. They

1:05:23

managed to get what I liked

1:05:25

is that they managed to purge

1:05:27

Biff O the Bear of any

1:05:29

of the traditionally menacing characteristics which

1:05:31

one associates with the grizzly variety.

1:05:34

Yeah, but they pushed too far.

1:05:36

They looked at Winnie the Pooh

1:05:38

and they thought, What about this?

1:05:41

It was wrong. They were wrong to do it.

1:05:44

But Lee... What about when I worked

1:05:46

with a very posh woman, a posh woman alive, I'm

1:05:48

going to officially call her. She used

1:05:51

to come in and you'd bring things home from... You'd

1:05:54

go on holidays. That was a real office tradition. Oh,

1:05:56

I brought some humorous sweets.

1:06:00

and humorously named slightly suggested sweet.

1:06:03

Not her. No. This

1:06:05

woman who had like a quadruple barrel

1:06:07

name. And she

1:06:09

said, I brought everyone some apples from

1:06:11

mummy's orchard. And

1:06:14

I thought, I love this woman. The reason I- WordPress

1:06:16

on Halloween. The

1:06:18

reason I mentioned the poshest woman alive, who

1:06:20

was adorable, may I say, was

1:06:23

the mention of her best. She once

1:06:25

also said to me, we were talking

1:06:27

about British understatement earlier this

1:06:29

morning. She said someone was

1:06:31

talking about going to Canada in a particular region

1:06:33

she was going to. She said, oh, I wouldn't go there.

1:06:35

I had a great uncle of mine

1:06:38

went there and he never

1:06:40

came back from the woods. Oh,

1:06:43

and she said, we think it was

1:06:45

a bear, unfortunately. And

1:06:48

you know, I've never seen the

1:06:50

word unfortunately in the same way again. Briefly,

1:06:53

share with us this. Briefly, Lee

1:06:55

says regarding Biffa the bear and

1:06:58

interspecies hybrids and word

1:07:00

cornages. I went down a rabbit hole recently

1:07:02

learning about portmanteau words and came across the

1:07:04

word walfen. What does that mean?

1:07:07

An extremely rare, according to Wikipedia,

1:07:09

cetacean hybrid born from a female

1:07:11

common bottle nose dolphin with a

1:07:13

male false killer whale. Okay.

1:07:16

So it's a weird hybrid mutant walfen. Okay.

1:07:19

Whale dolphin. Do you like the sound of it? Well, I'm

1:07:21

thinking a Marvel Comics

1:07:23

universe. You never let's face it,

1:07:25

Steve, you're always thinking that every day of

1:07:27

your life. Boys, we're

1:07:30

going to have to wrap things

1:07:32

up now. I have so

1:07:34

enjoyed this morning and

1:07:36

I hope you have as well. Yeah, been marvelous.

1:07:38

Thanks for having us. Okay, I'll take

1:07:40

that. Thank you, the

1:07:43

marvelous Mr. Novelli and Steve

1:07:45

Hall. Steve Hall. It's

1:07:47

been wonderful. We've so enjoyed being

1:07:50

here this morning and thank

1:07:52

you for listening. Up next

1:07:54

is Sarah Champion. Frank, I'm pretty sure

1:07:56

will be back next week. Be

1:07:58

seeing you. The film is

1:08:01

ready. The film is ready. Absolute

1:08:03

Rainier.