0:00

Welcome to the Gentleman Project Podcast . I'm

0:02

Corey Moore and I'm Kirk Chugg . Today , Paul

0:05

Blanchard joins us in the studio . Paul

0:07

and I have been connected via social

0:09

media for several years now and I have

0:12

been so impressed and blown

0:14

away by the man's ability to

0:16

. He has a presence about him and it doesn't

0:18

have to be in person . It can also be

0:20

through a Zoom or through one of the

0:22

lives that he does . He's a coach , an

0:25

author , a mindset guru

0:27

. I know he doesn't like to be called an expert , but

0:30

when you listen to this guy talk , you

0:32

will be blown away at how well

0:34

he knows the subject matter in which he

0:37

speaks , and

0:39

we're just grateful that he would join us

0:41

today . We're really looking forward to

0:43

talking to him about family , what

0:46

makes him who he is and how he's

0:48

affecting change in the lives of others

0:50

. So welcome , paul . Thank you , we're happy to have you

0:52

. Pleasure to be here . So , paul , tell

0:54

us quick about your family

0:56

and just the makeup of your

0:58

family , so that we've got a little bit of context

1:00

for for the conversation today .

1:02

Sure , so I'm married . I've been

1:05

married for almost 19 years . I

1:07

have three daughters 16 , 13

1:09

, and 10 . And that's everything

1:12

for me . Of all the damage

1:15

, all the wounds , all the problems , I've never

1:17

wondered if I was going to be good at being

1:19

a dad .

1:20

It's just .

1:21

I'm sure I make mistakes , but

1:23

they don't strike at the heart of things

1:25

. It's , it's , it's been the most natural

1:27

thing that I've ever done in life the

1:29

, the , the role of that um

1:32

. My wife and I have certainly had our

1:34

wild adventures and crazy experiences

1:36

, and um , we met on hot or

1:39

notcom . That's always a fun one to throw out early

1:41

.

1:41

Hot or not ? I haven't heard of that one

1:44

.

1:44

I think I remember that it was like back in , like

1:46

the night , my space , days right .

1:48

Totally . I had someone say to me hey , when

1:50

you get back in the country , check this site out , it's hilarious

1:53

. And so um . So

1:55

I , I uh checked it out and they

1:57

had just added a meet me feature because

2:00

, like matchcom wasn't really popular

2:02

yet . I think someone had died trying to date

2:04

on Craigslist or something at that point and and

2:07

I she clicked to meet me

2:09

. I , you know strategically , wore the sweater

2:12

, the grand piano picture . I

2:14

had Billy Joel sheet music behind me . She's

2:16

like I didn't notice any of that . I was like okay , well , your subconscious

2:19

did so , it all worked out .

2:21

Yeah .

2:21

It all worked out . It worked

2:23

yeah , but yeah , we have a blast

2:25

, we have a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to talking about

2:27

all those things . I'm a big believer

2:29

that professional problems are personal problems in

2:31

disguise , so it's kind of

2:34

all connected and

2:36

so anything I can do to offer

2:38

some insights you mentioned . I

2:41

don't like being called an expert . It's not

2:43

as much . I don't like any particular thing with

2:45

semantics or words , as much as I don't

2:48

necessarily agree with or align

2:50

with some of the implied things about

2:52

that or some of the limitations . Like expert

2:55

, oftentimes we become very

2:57

exclusionary . It's very standing

2:59

on my experience , which

3:02

is beautiful , except

3:07

that it naturally trespasses on , and that should be your experience , you know so

3:10

just opening that up , not so much I don't

3:12

like that word kind of a thing .

3:13

One of the things that I'd like about you is you

3:16

, you kind of let people go on their own path and

3:18

their own journey , but you

3:20

, you will help them discover things about

3:22

themselves and then let them find it very

3:25

, very humble . But you don't come

3:27

across that way , naturally , because of your

3:29

voice , your stature , your water . You're like six

3:32

foot five , Can talk

3:34

. Talk to us a little bit .

3:35

Yeah , I think the dynamic that makes that really

3:37

interesting is I've I . One of the most powerful

3:39

discoveries I made was that my insecurity was

3:41

a superpower . Made was that my insecurity was a superpower . I've spent a lot

3:43

of years , as I think many people have , trying

3:53

to overcome that and using confidence as some shield , some sword to fight through that

3:56

and to prove that I had conquered the insecurity . And the more I tried to do

3:58

that , the less confident I felt , the

4:01

more alienated I felt really

4:03

deep inside . And so then that required all kinds

4:05

of other ways of creating peak

4:07

, strong , you know States to be

4:09

able to power through that and then

4:11

having to recover , and that just didn't feel

4:14

like a way to live . And so

4:16

when I got an opportunity to start

4:18

to build a relationship with my insecurity

4:20

, to find out it wasn't what everybody said

4:22

it was , it actually had some beautiful

4:25

things to share with me . It was a . It

4:27

actually wanted to be seen and

4:29

expressed and cared for and connected

4:31

to , and that just opened everything

4:33

up . I do have some physicality

4:36

that I navigate . Um

4:38

, I am a large man . Although

4:41

I don't feel that way Anytime I see a picture

4:43

with someone else , it's almost always

4:46

, to this day a shock of like oh , I

4:48

am really big , um

4:50

, but I don't feel that . But

4:52

it is important to remember like my

4:54

volume can be misinterpreted very

4:56

easily just because of that physical

4:59

nature . Um , but that conflict

5:01

used to create a lot of shame for

5:03

me until I started to

5:05

lean into the

5:08

relationship with insecurity and

5:10

it's opened some amazing doors . I

5:12

believe that I've had an opportunity

5:14

to get into some places

5:17

with some people that I

5:19

don't believe I would have had the ability

5:21

or even the right to if

5:23

I had gone there confidently , whereas

5:26

going there with my insecurity

5:29

so that theirs could , on

5:32

some level , feel mine and be willing

5:34

to open up . I've found that

5:36

to be very disruptive for people

5:38

and I certainly had the time in my profession where

5:40

I prided myself on being the

5:42

disruptor until I realized you don't have to try

5:45

to do that If you just show up

5:47

stable and calm and

5:49

clear and available . That's

5:52

actually incredibly disruptive to

5:55

us as human beings that are constantly

5:57

trying to check some balances and strategically

5:59

navigate . What is it that he

6:01

really wants from me , what is it that I'm really

6:03

supposed to do here ? And and you just

6:05

show up and like and whatever that

6:07

is is great and

6:10

it takes a second for people to buy into

6:12

that . But I think there's a sense , when they feel

6:14

that whatever mine is is

6:16

okay , that it kind of gives

6:18

a tacit approval to , to theirs

6:20

to to show up and and

6:23

I think that in and of itself is quite disruptive

6:25

.

6:26

I'd like to dive a little deeper into the

6:28

insecurities thing , because

6:31

I would say I talk to our

6:33

people all the time and I would typically

6:35

say that leaders

6:37

who are having a tough time

6:39

they're usually having a tough time because

6:41

of their insecurities . They're letting it get in the

6:43

way of them being a great leader , right . They can't get out of their tough time because of their

6:45

insecurities . They're letting it get in the way of them being a great leader , right . They can't get out of their own way

6:47

because of their insecurities . So they're

6:50

either guarded , or they pretend that they're

6:52

overly confident

6:54

, or they don't bring people around them that

6:56

are really good at where

6:58

they're not right . Get people around

7:01

them who compliment them . They

7:03

don't do it because they don't want to show their weaknesses

7:06

or their insecurities , right . So I

7:08

think I'd like to go a little deeper on , like

7:10

how are you using insecurities as a superpower

7:12

? It sounds like you

7:14

know you're you're . You're just open about them and

7:17

you don't hide them . In fact , maybe

7:19

you're telling people about them in

7:21

order to have great conversations

7:23

about those insecurities

7:26

. I don't know . Give us a little deeper on

7:28

how you're doing that , because for me , I would

7:30

love to use that in my life and tell other people how

7:32

to do that .

7:33

Yeah , I think the first part is

7:35

just allowing them to be here . They're

7:37

not a problem . I'm not . I'm

7:39

not trying to solve my insecurities . They're

7:41

. They're a part of me that probably

7:44

a lot of it came from comparison . You

7:46

know , biblically , who taught you you were ? Who told you you

7:49

were naked Like , who told you that

7:51

how you are as an ? Okay , that's

7:53

not a rhetorical question , that's an incredible

7:55

question Like , oh , yeah , where

7:57

did that come from ? You know

7:59

, there there's so much power to stepping back and going

8:01

. We're making all of this

8:03

up , all of it , every

8:06

construct that we feel is just

8:08

, this is how you should live and this is

8:10

the way that this works , and even from the greatest

8:12

experts in the world , when you zoom out , that

8:15

may be true within a certain construct

8:18

, within a certain arena of

8:20

things , and I think being able to zoom out and

8:22

be like , wow , we're making all of this up , and

8:25

then being curious about how you feel in that

8:27

space , cause , just like you can

8:29

feel insecure if you're around someone that is living

8:31

the life that you think you're supposed to be living

8:33

, you can feel just as insecure zooming

8:35

out and going , wow , it really doesn't

8:38

matter , and just seeing what comes

8:40

up in you when you consider that I

8:42

think that's probably the biggest thing that

8:45

I would want anybody listening to

8:48

grab onto is the power of considering

8:50

. I didn't diagnose

8:53

. I stopped trying to diagnose and fix

8:55

my insecurities and I just considered them

8:57

, and that spilled over

8:59

into everything . I don't

9:02

try to diagnose my kids , I

9:04

just consider them , and consideration

9:07

occurs in a non-dual space

9:09

, a liminal space

9:11

, which is incredibly difficult , especially

9:14

for entrepreneurs , business leaders . We

9:16

have very dualistic anchors

9:18

in life this is right , this is wrong , this is

9:20

good , this is bad and a non-dual

9:23

space where you can actually consider your

9:25

insecurities . You can actually consider questions

9:28

that might create an identity

9:31

response or a visceral

9:33

response . It

9:35

just demonstrates the lack of capacity to

9:37

consider , because you've got to

9:39

pick a side , you've got to decide quickly

9:41

whether this question is okay to

9:44

consider before you even considered

9:46

it , and so opening that up

9:48

, which started with my insecurities

9:50

and led to so many other things , just gives

9:53

you freedom , which

9:55

freedom , in my humble

9:58

, simple definition , is just options . That's

10:00

all it is . The more options you have , the

10:02

more freedom you have . The less options you have , the

10:05

more freedom you have . Less options you have , the

10:07

less freedom you have . And and most of us are trying to operate

10:09

within the complex construct of of

10:11

conceptual options , like I know

10:14

. I know I have the option of quitting

10:16

my job , but can

10:18

I really like ? Is that an embodied

10:21

option ? Um

10:23

, and so being able to sit in

10:25

and consider and process and create

10:27

that landscape , I think , is amazing

10:30

work , Because then suddenly you can

10:32

start to see the elements of your insecurities

10:35

, that you've been taught about them

10:37

and so

10:39

much more . And that's granted

10:42

, that's got to be done slowly because it can be

10:44

system overload if you dive

10:46

into that too fast .

10:47

I mean , that's huge . One of the things that I wanted

10:49

to talk to you about today is parallel

10:51

with this in helping

10:53

us ourselves realize that we

10:55

are not our thoughts , and then also how

10:58

we teach that to our children , because they're

11:00

constantly bombarded on what they should be

11:02

, what they ought to be . Comparison is the

11:04

thief of joy , and how

11:07

do we teach this we

11:09

are not our thoughts to our

11:11

children ?

11:13

That's a great question . I think some

11:15

of that is to consider . Well , if we aren't our thoughts , then

11:18

what are we ? That

11:21

could get really , really bizarre

11:23

. I think the simplest stopgap

11:25

to put in that for this conversation is that we

11:29

are . We are

11:31

the observer , and the observer cannot

11:33

observe itself , and so anything that

11:35

we attach to is not

11:37

us . It's what we're observing . It's

11:40

what we're noticing . And so

11:42

I think if we can consider that

11:44

we are not our thoughts , well , then that

11:47

automatically gets us rolling into . Then , what

11:50

are we ? Then

11:52

we can start to consider what else we

11:54

attach to . I think is more productive than

11:57

to consider well , what are we or who

11:59

am I ? I was

12:01

just asked yesterday by someone who said what do you think of

12:03

the quote ? Know thyself . And

12:06

the simplest response was

12:08

well , if we want to talk about the actual

12:11

self , that is , your existence or your consciousness

12:13

. You can't know it because

12:16

it just is , there's nothing to know

12:18

you are observing and

12:20

the observer can't observe itself . But

12:22

then that gives us a really cool platform for considering

12:25

the things that we've thought were ourself

12:27

. And just because they aren't ourself doesn't

12:29

mean they're irrelevant , doesn't mean they're not important , but

12:32

it does kind of lower the stakes

12:34

a little bit , which is really

12:36

important for actual transformation

12:38

, because we're living in a world that believes

12:41

the higher the stakes , the higher the accountability

12:43

I mean like weaponized accountability the more

12:45

productive you are , and that

12:47

just depends on the scope that you look at . The longer you

12:49

play that out , the less productive you are , because

12:51

you can't sustain that . It's a force versus

12:54

a natural rhythm

12:56

and things like that . So if we're to step back and say I'm not

12:58

my thoughts , what else might

13:01

I be , I think is probably a great next step to take there . What else might I be , I think , is probably

13:03

a great next step to take there . And

13:05

one of the next things that I think you can land on in

13:07

the infinite advancement

13:10

of being you is your feelings

13:12

. And that's an interesting landscape

13:14

, because most of us don't feel

13:17

our feelings . We

13:19

react to what we think about

13:21

our feelings . And what do we think about

13:23

our feelings ? What we've been taught to think about

13:26

our feelings and what do we think about

13:28

our feelings ? What we've been taught to think about our feelings

13:30

and in fact , we don't even know what . Most people that I work with don't even know

13:32

what their feelings actually are . They just know words that they've been told

13:34

to put on labels Anger

13:36

, sadness , depression , anxiety

13:38

. Those aren't feelings , those are labels on jars

13:41

that have an infinite number of aspects

13:43

to them in how they're actually experienced

13:45

. But now we're on our way . We're

13:48

not just saying you're not your thoughts . Just like

13:50

we don't say stop smoking , we say stop

13:53

smoking and consider doing

13:55

this instead to help

13:57

you rewire these things . So you're

14:00

not your thoughts . Let's start feeling

14:02

and let's start learning

14:04

how to feel beyond what we think

14:06

about what we're feeling and

14:08

when you can start to get into that place . That's

14:10

the crux of the work that I do Is

14:13

I've never met anyone that didn't want

14:15

to feel better , and the secret

14:17

to feeling better is to get better at

14:20

actually feeling . And so

14:22

you consider your children when

14:24

you can start to find this in you that

14:27

I'm not my thoughts . I'm a sensory

14:29

creature . I am

14:31

driven by feeling

14:33

, and we have some conceptual

14:35

constructs in this world that has told us if

14:38

you buy this . You'll feel this If

14:40

you get educated like this . You'll feel this

14:42

If I gave you a piece of paper

14:44

and said you've got five minutes to write down

14:46

everything you want , and at the end of

14:48

the five minutes I'll snap my finger and give

14:51

it all to you . But there's one catch

14:53

you don't get to feel anything for

14:55

the rest of your life . Would you take

14:57

that deal ? No , way , no

14:59

. But it totally reveals

15:01

the man behind the curtain , it totally rips the cover

15:04

off the ball to go , wow , everything

15:06

we seek , everything we crave

15:09

, is a feeling , a sensation

15:11

. And then this world

15:13

we've made up has put a bunch

15:15

of different things in place to leverage the desire

15:18

to feel something and what's driven

15:20

our consumerism and I'm not here

15:22

to burn that down or whatever Capitalism

15:27

, socialism , yes and okay , but to say like wow , that's

15:29

actually what's driving me . You

15:37

just got like the secret recipe that if you can crack that code inside

15:39

of you to say , wow , what if I didn't have to do that

15:41

to feel that and

15:43

I could feel that without having to do

15:45

that , then I could figure out if I actually

15:47

want to do that , because

15:50

most of the things we want to do or most things we

15:52

want in life aren't because we want to

15:54

do them , it's because we want to

15:56

feel what we think doing that will

15:58

allow us to feel . And if you can learn that you

16:00

can actually feel without

16:03

having to do anything , then suddenly

16:06

the obligation goes down

16:08

, the need to whip yourself and

16:10

drive yourself goes down and that can actually feel

16:12

unbelievably disorienting at first

16:14

. But coming back

16:16

to kind of the heart of your question with

16:18

your children , when you can start to do

16:20

that , you can start to have conversations

16:23

and I mean that loosely connections

16:25

with your kids where you are speaking

16:27

the language of what they are feeling , not

16:30

what they're saying . When

16:37

you find that in you , when you can loosen the grip on rationale and judgment and social

16:39

programming of what's okay and not okay to say to yourself and

16:42

just allow it to be seen and expressed

16:44

and then felt in the body , suddenly

16:47

you can start to speak that language with your daughter

16:49

or your son , who are going

16:51

to be expressing far more feelings

16:53

and desires for feelings than what

16:56

they're actually saying on

16:58

the conceptual surface . Does that make sense

17:00

? Yeah ?

17:01

Yeah , no , that's , that's pretty powerful , and

17:04

I think that goes back to another

17:06

question that I wanted to ask you was this uh

17:09

and maybe this is a little bit more business oriented

17:11

, but I think it translates well to family too

17:13

is this the hype of the

17:15

hustle ? Right ? Like

17:18

you got to , you got to get out there and pound the streets

17:20

, you got to go hustle , hustle , hustle , and

17:22

that hype is really

17:24

just a mirage right for

17:27

hiding what's

17:29

beneath these feelings

17:31

that you're feeling . You want to expand on that a little

17:33

bit , so hustle it

17:36

.

17:36

Um , it's a trauma response

17:38

. That doesn't make it bad , though

17:40

. We have lots of trauma responses

17:42

, we have , we have . We have this messy

17:44

network from the moment we're born , pre-verbal

17:48

, uh , to today that is

17:50

, that is just clogged and and

17:52

and enmeshed in trauma and

17:54

shame and attachment wounds and

17:57

so much of what we think is the right

17:59

way to live , and the and the

18:01

identity of the identity of me

18:03

is how I am managing

18:05

and triaging that not actually

18:08

me , because the

18:10

actual me was the original instructions

18:12

that were a clean canvas when I was born

18:14

in this primal state , but then I immediately

18:17

started inheriting the genetics , the

18:19

epigenetics , the energy , the influence

18:21

of all the people around me who

18:23

were dealing with their shame and trauma and attachment

18:26

wounds , and , and it cascades on and on

18:28

and on , and I don't think that's tragic

18:30

, I think that's kind of part of the human

18:32

design .

18:33

Yeah .

18:34

Like . That's what we essentially

18:36

signed up for , and I'm not here

18:38

to claim like how that actually worked . You

18:40

know whether we were in some pre-existence or whatever

18:43

. I don't feel attached to figuring that

18:45

out . I'm a big fan of Ken

18:47

Wilber . One of my favorite modern philosophers says anytime

18:49

you're considering something transpersonal

18:52

, spiritual , mystical , always

18:54

put the glasses on of as if . So

18:57

you can , as if this was true , which

18:59

I think gives you this incredible ability to

19:02

jump into it full force

19:04

as if it were true . But

19:07

then when the flow changes or

19:10

when you get curious about something , you're not attached

19:12

to it , you're not clinging to it . You can

19:14

make a cleaner break . And I think

19:16

all of us can relate to the things in life that we have

19:18

been so convinced were true

19:21

. And then we cling to

19:23

it and it created unnecessary suffering and whatever

19:25

the case . Like people make fun of flat earthers

19:27

all the time , but like , uh

19:29

, the majority of our conscious existence

19:32

, in science we believe that was the

19:34

case . So the fact that it's just

19:36

taking them a small margin in the history

19:38

of humanity , a little longer to catch up or

19:40

whatever , but then even to expand beyond that

19:42

, I'm not here to say that I know

19:44

100% for sure that it's

19:47

not just because I like

19:49

throwing that into the mix of my own consideration

19:51

Like , hey Paul , what if it is flat

19:54

? Just to feel what it's like

19:56

to propose that to myself , not because

19:58

I'm attached to needing

20:00

to be right or wrong about that .

20:02

Well , this is the skill of unlearning that you talk

20:04

about .

20:05

Yeah .

20:05

You know , like one of the things that you help your coaching

20:07

clients do is figure out how

20:10

to hone this skill of

20:12

unlearning the things that they thought they

20:14

knew their whole life

20:16

through programming , or one

20:18

of the things that I really like about this is like

20:20

the personality profiles that we have all

20:22

done . I'd love for you to talk about

20:24

Habit Finder , because

20:27

all of us know

20:29

, like the disc profiles and the colors

20:31

and the letters and the alphabets and the

20:33

animals , and we've all taken those

20:36

types of personality

20:38

profiles . Talk to us a little bit about

20:40

the danger

20:42

of putting yourself in one

20:44

of those boxes .

20:48

So the danger ? Is

20:51

an interesting way to put it that

20:53

all depends on what the outcome is that you're wanting to

20:55

have . Things being good

20:57

or bad really has to do with

20:59

whether they do what we want them to

21:01

do for us . I mean at the end of

21:03

the day , like an apple is only rotten

21:05

because you can't eat it , that

21:08

doesn't make it bad . There's lots of other things

21:10

you can do with a rotten apple , which makes

21:12

the context of the word really , really

21:14

interesting . But but I will speak in

21:16

terms of what why most people seek

21:19

those tools and why they may be

21:21

out of alignment . Okay , most

21:23

people seek tools like that for transformation

21:25

. They want to understand themselves better , to be

21:27

able to transform , and

21:30

we crave conceptual

21:32

anchors and boxes Like

21:36

if I can explain why I am

21:38

the way that I am , I should be able

21:40

to change it . And yet explanation

21:42

is , in a lot of cases , the opposite

21:45

of transformation . It's one

21:47

of the number one things that holds us back from

21:49

transforming is , the better we can explain

21:51

how we currently are , why

21:54

we currently are , the more ingrained we are

21:56

in staying where we are . And

21:58

so if someone's never explored

22:01

themselves , they've never read personal

22:03

development books and tried to figure out , like self-awareness

22:06

, a disc profile , which , which

22:08

I've worked closely with um in

22:10

building a , an MBA program , we what . We put

22:12

that into the curriculum , um , or

22:15

the Enneagram or whatever it is . That's a . That's

22:17

a cool introduction . If you'd

22:19

never considered that something else

22:21

could know things about you without

22:23

you telling it about you is

22:25

pretty cool , you know , like a doctor

22:27

coming in and saying hey , we , uh

22:30

, we looked at your , your blood work , any

22:32

chance ? You feel like this pretty often and feel

22:34

like this , like that's kind of mind blowing the first time

22:36

that ever happens . Like how did you take this

22:38

stuff out of me and have it tell

22:40

you that stuff ? How did you ask me those questions

22:42

and have it tell you that ? So that's a cool introduction

22:45

, but to believe

22:48

that a deeper investment in that identity

22:50

is the key to unlocking things

22:53

, that's like walking up to a big Oak door

22:55

with a huge vertical handle

22:57

and you grab on with both hands and you're like this

23:00

is going to help me transform and you're ready

23:02

to yank it open to get to the next version of you . But you

23:04

put your foot against the door and

23:07

so the harder you pull for the

23:09

definition , the explanation , the this

23:11

is why I am the way I am the

23:13

more likely you are to stay there

23:15

. However , what I see most

23:17

people doing in that space is why they feel

23:20

like they are transforming is they're rearranging the furniture

23:22

. So they pull on the door

23:24

for a little while , then they stop and they go oh um

23:27

, let's move the couch over here , let's put the desk over there

23:29

, let's put it's transformed , but

23:31

you're , you're still in the same place and

23:34

that's not bad . We're not here to say that any of

23:36

this stuff is inferior or superior . We're

23:38

just having an expansive conversation

23:40

. That's what I try to do . That's why I

23:42

try to stay away from the expert is . I'm not here to say

23:45

this is right and you are wrong . I think

23:47

that's there's way too much of that out

23:49

there , as much as just . Hey , what have you considered

23:51

more than you've considered before ? How does

23:53

that feel ? How did it

23:55

feel when I said well , I don't know for sure

23:57

if it's , if the earth is flat or not , like

24:00

how did that feel in you ? Did you feel violated

24:02

by that ? Did you feel offended that you

24:04

are a scientist and we know that it is ? How

24:08

could he say that ? Well , what is that science based on ? And if we zoom out

24:10

from that , what is that based on ? We zoom

24:12

out , you zoom out far enough . We made it all up

24:14

, you know , like one of the scariest

24:16

theories in the world . I forget what it's called , but it's the idea

24:18

that you cannot prove that

24:20

anything else , you

24:24

might be the only thing that

24:26

exists and everything else

24:28

you are making up . That theory is sound

24:30

in terms of it . It can't

24:33

be disproved . It can't be

24:35

proved . But that's what theories are they're not proved

24:37

, they are just extensively tried

24:39

to be disproved . And eventually we get

24:41

to a point where it's like , okay , that might be

24:43

true . And then we're quick to adopt

24:46

it as true until the

24:48

next one comes out and we find out wow , we were wrong

24:50

about that . And then we were in awe of every

24:52

time that happens , like right now we're so sure

24:54

that this is happening . And well

24:56

, how many times have we done that before ? Which

24:59

doesn't mean let's not , let's stop digging

25:01

, but let's stop getting so attached

25:03

to it .

25:04

You know what I mean . So if somebody's

25:06

taken these personality profiles and they say I'm

25:08

a , I'm a dominant D , listen

25:11

to what you just said right

25:13

, I am .

25:15

I am drying the concrete

25:18

of my self perspective . I am adding

25:20

layers of explanation and I can't

25:22

change that because now I am

25:24

a D , yeah , yeah .

25:26

So that's kind of what I wanted to

25:29

touch on was you do

25:31

not necessarily have to fall within

25:34

that or dry the concrete

25:36

of that . If you do one of those , there's

25:38

always room for other

25:40

things , and so talk about habit finder

25:42

.

25:42

Well , it doesn't mean that there aren't people out

25:45

there using those tools and creating

25:47

transformation . I had an entire college

25:49

course on this stuff yeah . It just means

25:51

that the majority

25:54

of people and the way their brains typically

25:56

work are going to have a hard time doing that . And

25:59

it can be the littlest of tweaks . Even in your language

26:01

. You could say , rather than I am a

26:04

D or a red , yellow or an owl or whatever

26:06

it is , you could say I

26:08

noticing that I experience

26:11

myself as this , just

26:14

those words , as

26:16

semantic as they sound , creates

26:18

a totally different relationship as

26:20

the observer , to say not , I

26:22

am stamp on it , stuck

26:25

, but to say I notice that's

26:28

the first one , and then experiencing . And

26:30

then you can start doing that with your emotions to

26:32

create an expansive landscape . It's

26:35

not I am mad , it's

26:37

I notice that I'm experiencing

26:39

anger right now . That

26:42

is that alone just powerful . That framework

26:44

is is unbelievably

26:46

powerful in terms of your autonomy

26:49

, your options , your freedom , rather than

26:51

immediately attaching the

26:53

wagon of I am so

26:55

. Habit Finder is interesting because

26:58

we decided to

27:00

want to . It was actually from Augmandino's

27:02

book the Greatest Salesman in the World . And I say we , my

27:04

father and I , I was business partners

27:06

with him for about 10 years , world

27:09

. And I say we , my , my father and I , I was business partners

27:11

with him for for about 10 years . And

27:14

uh and uh , I was there kind of in the beginning of this in 2000

27:17

. Uh , my dad was in film at the time . Um and uh , betty Mandino Og had passed

27:19

away in 1996 , offered the

27:21

film rights to the greatest sales

27:23

in the world to my dad . And , uh

27:25

, he was in New York filming something

27:27

for CBS at the time , or whatever , and and

27:30

said , yeah , sure

27:32

, one of the best books ever written , totally

27:35

I'll take , I'll take the film rights to that . And then he

27:37

called her back a short time later and said what if we built a

27:39

company out of the principles

27:41

of the greatest salesman in the world ? And

27:43

? And we'd love to give you ownership in that

27:46

and carry Aug's legacy forward . And that

27:48

was the start of the Augmandino Group , which

27:50

later became the Six Advisors , which then

27:52

became Intentional Creation and

27:54

then finally , in its last iteration , habit

27:57

Finder . But it's always been the Augmandino

27:59

Company . And it was actually

28:01

in Scroll 1 , in the greatest

28:03

sales in the world , where Aug

28:05

introduced us to things that

28:07

neuroscience is just figuring

28:10

out in the last decade or two . And he

28:12

wrote this thing in the 60s when

28:14

he talked about the other mind that

28:17

never sleeps and makes us

28:19

act in ways we do not comprehend

28:21

, and he went on to say poetically , marks out a path

28:23

that threatens to imprison my future

28:26

. We wanted to figure out how to

28:28

measure the other mind

28:30

that Og was talking about , and

28:32

so we started looking into Myers-Briggs

28:34

and DISC and everything we could get our hands

28:37

on , and personality

28:39

wasn't the other mind . Personality

28:42

was an aspect , it was a manifestation

28:45

of that other mind , an archetype

28:47

, if you will . And even then it's

28:49

tough to say you are this personality

28:52

type . That's more likely saying this is your

28:54

dominant personality type . Most people

28:56

have seven to nine personality

28:58

types anyway , and if you're married , I

29:01

promise she'll tell you that

29:03

you do . And so with that , the

29:06

opportunity to be able to be curious about

29:08

rather than this is the

29:10

most common manifestation , or these are the manifestations

29:13

. What's the wiring underneath

29:15

that ? And that's where Habit Finder

29:17

came in , when we found at

29:19

the University of Tennessee the Hartman Institute

29:22

, dr Robert Hartman , who

29:24

was born in World War II in Germany , across the street from what would later

29:26

become the actually , I think he was born in World War II in Germany

29:28

, across the street from what would later become

29:31

the actually , I think he was born during

29:33

World War I , across the street from what would later

29:35

become the headquarters of the Third Reich . He

29:39

was a mathematician , a

29:41

theologian and

29:43

just an amazing human being and

29:45

asked one simple question like

29:51

why are we so good at

29:53

organizing bad ? And that led to wanting to be able

29:55

to mathematically define good or bad , take

29:58

the ethics out of it , the morality out of it , and

30:00

see if he could get it down to

30:02

the bare bones of mathematical good

30:04

or bad . And he was able to do it , and

30:07

it's called axiological mathematics mathematical

30:10

good or bad . And he was able to do it and it's called axiological mathematics . And uh , it's like my

30:12

little magic trick . It's in terms of the mouthful . It's . It's the formal science of

30:14

axiological mathematics cantor's transfinite

30:16

calculus and the concept of infinitudes that's

30:19

very good , thank you . You can

30:21

slow that down at half speed

30:23

and let's do it again well , the the biggest thing

30:26

of that is like it's's , it's not tea

30:29

leaves , it's not , you know , it's

30:31

. It's science and

30:33

and it is based on patterns

30:36

and risk . So

30:38

we were able to build an assessment from

30:40

that that does not induce

30:42

a diagnosis . That's what 99% of assessments

30:44

out there are . Is there inducing

30:46

a diagnosis of your personality , your type , one

30:49

of the manifestations , depending on the framework

30:51

that you're wanting to identify in your behavior

30:54

, your aptitude , your personality ? your emotional construct

30:56

, which is a little redundant , because that's

30:58

all . Personality is First . I

31:00

think it was Joe Dispenza who said your personality

31:03

are just the emotions you've memorized . We

31:06

want to find out what's under the surface of all that

31:08

, what's the actual wiring in the house , not just

31:10

what is the biggest room . And

31:12

so with a deductive assessment we

31:14

can in 10 minutes , online

31:17

, no questions , can't manipulate

31:19

it get about 6.4 quadrillion

31:21

variables in the patterns

31:24

of your brain , just from you ranking two lists

31:26

. Patterns

31:29

of your brain , just from you ranking two lists . One of the keys to

31:31

those lists is they are not , they weren't driven by committee . They're actually

31:34

mathematical equations that

31:36

were turned into words and phrases . So

31:39

your brain is seeing words and phrases , but

31:41

what it's being required to do is

31:43

subconsciously reveal its cards of

31:45

how it values the

31:47

world , your inner world and your outer world

31:49

. And then we've spent 20

31:52

years , in addition to Hartman's four

31:54

decades of work and research , creating

31:56

definitions around the risks of

31:58

thinking out of alignment with

32:00

the mathematical alignment . So

32:03

we don't have to argue about what's good or bad

32:05

morally or ethically , what is the right thing to have

32:07

at the top of the list , what's the or bad morally or ethically ? What is the

32:09

right thing to have at the top of the list . What's the wrong thing ? It's simply here is the mathematical

32:12

order and here are the risks to thinking

32:14

out of order . Not , it's bad to

32:16

think out of order . Here's

32:18

the risks . Entrepreneurially , there's a risk that

32:21

last time I checked I think 74%

32:23

of entrepreneurs have of being vivid visionaries

32:26

Very visual , naturally visual

32:28

people windshield time , shower time

32:30

, like their minds going places that they even can't keep

32:33

track of . And

32:40

because it's so powerful , the chemistry changes with what

32:42

they're visualizing to the point that it can feel real Major risks to that . But

32:44

we don't necessarily want to get rid of that

32:46

because that can be an amazing

32:49

gift . So identifying it

32:51

as a risk rather than being bad

32:53

allows us to figure out if we want

32:55

to manage that risk . Like

32:57

the freeway that's a block from us , people

33:00

are going 70 miles an hour in 4,000

33:02

pound hunks of metal . That's risky . But

33:05

the fact that tomorrow night , if I want

33:07

, I could throw my kids in the car and be in Las Vegas

33:09

in six hours is

33:11

incredible . That was a

33:14

two-month journey not that long ago . That's

33:16

so cool . So that's what I love

33:19

about habit finders we're not looking at what's good

33:21

or bad , what's ideal or not ideal

33:23

. We're just looking at patterns and

33:25

curious about how they're showing up , and is that in alignment

33:27

with how you want your world , your life , to be showing up ? And is that an alignment with how you want your world

33:29

, your life , to be showing up ? And if it's not , we

33:32

can adjust it . Because if you can change

33:34

the patterns and you change how it

33:36

shows up because that's all

33:38

your interpreted reality is

33:40

, is it's what all the patterns in you want

33:43

to see happening right now . Your reality

33:46

, no matter how much you do or don't like it right now

33:48

, is best case scenario for

33:50

all the parts of you . It's

33:53

a consensus . This is the best

33:55

compromise for the parts of us

33:57

that really want recognition , the parts of us that pretend

33:59

that they don't , the parts of us that

34:01

care about our body , the parts of us that don't . The parts

34:03

of it like whatever you're experiencing

34:05

right now , even if you think it

34:08

should be different and that you think you want

34:10

it to be different , this is the best case scenario

34:12

. So if you keep trying to force

34:14

, like watching Congress or the House of Representatives

34:17

, you force the other side to vote differently

34:19

because they're wrong , then

34:21

you continue to stalemate your current

34:24

reality , if you can then go seek

34:26

to understand why not

34:29

having more money makes sense to those parts

34:31

of you , then suddenly you can start

34:33

to collaborate with them differently and guess what starts to show

34:35

up in your life ? More money . If

34:37

you are having certain impacts on

34:39

your relationship with your kids and you don't

34:43

want to acknowledge those parts , it

34:45

just keeps repeating itself

34:47

. I mean , the kiss of death is I

34:49

don't want to be like my parents . All

34:51

your brain heard was be like your parents , which it

34:53

was headed towards anyway , because that was one of the primary

34:55

influences in your life . You don't

34:57

not be like your parents If that's a goal

34:59

of someone that's listening . You don't

35:02

not be like your parents by setting out a plan to

35:04

not be like your parents you set up . You do

35:06

that by feeling what

35:08

it was actually like to be

35:10

a child with those parents , rather

35:13

than just thinking about what you thought , you felt

35:15

and what you were wrestling with . And

35:18

so getting into that with a habit finder

35:20

, seeing those patterns , that gives me

35:22

a at least a six

35:24

month headstart with my clients , because

35:27

rather than talking and doing

35:29

all the due diligence verbally , they can

35:31

take that and I can see that much data

35:33

. That quickly , we go cool

35:35

, what do you want ? Ah well

35:37

, here's what might be getting in the way , and here are some

35:39

ways to reformat

35:42

that , to shift those patterns , and

35:44

then if you can get that down into the sensory experience

35:47

, then it actually becomes a new habit

35:49

, it becomes a new pattern , rather

35:51

than something you have to expend a

35:53

lot of energy trying to maintain or

35:55

creating whips and chains

35:58

and pressure to get you to maintain

36:00

it too .

36:01

So so how does someone work

36:03

with you and or how does someone utilize

36:06

this habit tracker and go down that path

36:09

?

36:10

Great question . So the easiest way to experience

36:12

is you can just go to wholebodymindsetcom

36:15

, forward slash habit finder . So

36:17

all one word , just like it sounds H-A-B-I-T-F-I-N-D-E-R

36:21

and my , my company , is wholebodymindsetcom

36:24

and you can click on that and take it

36:26

there and that will ping my system

36:28

and it'll send you a little bit of information

36:31

about it and it will invite you to like hey , do you

36:33

want to learn more about this ? And

36:36

if you do , then I'll be happy

36:38

to provide that in different capacities

36:40

depending on what my bandwidth is , but you're not

36:42

going to be left out in the dark

36:44

. Um , even if you know

36:46

thousands of people heard this and took it . Tomorrow

36:49

it just might take me a minute to get

36:51

through all of that , but right now I

36:53

have a intentionally intimate

36:56

coaching practice . I

36:59

don't currently not because it's wrong

37:01

, necessarily , but I don't currently invest a lot in funnels

37:04

or lead generation . I

37:06

play with it because I learned a lot about me messing

37:08

around with that stuff . But almost everybody I work

37:10

with comes from referral , comes

37:13

from some kind of experience with me , and

37:15

I'm okay with that . Over the years I've gotten a lot more picky

37:17

about who I will

37:20

work with and it's not a selfish

37:22

thing as much as you just

37:24

get to a place where I think somewhat

37:26

compassionately , you

37:29

get to see and appreciate where

37:31

people are at and where

37:33

I'm at and how I can best serve them

37:36

, and I want that to be in alignment . And

37:38

so one of the greatest things I ever did as a coach

37:40

was realize the difference between I could and

37:43

and I could help that person

37:45

versus the energy of I want

37:48

to , because where I am is

37:50

beautifully built for where they are , and

37:52

I wish I could tell you how to figure

37:55

that out , but you'll

37:57

know like people might hear this and

37:59

be like there's something about that guy . I

38:01

want to , I want to figure out what that is

38:03

, and then we talk more and it just happens to

38:05

turn into something amazing and I'm

38:08

, I'm a little hesitant and it's maybe

38:10

just my thing from trying to do that with

38:12

really strategic marketing . Um

38:15

, cause I , I again

38:17

, I'm I don't want to be overly judgmental , but

38:19

there's a lot of great

38:21

marketers who call themselves coaches and

38:25

I , I just it's , it's not something that I

38:27

choose to do , and I believed

38:29

that standing

38:31

up for that meant it was just going to be harder

38:33

to get clients for me . You know , it was just going

38:36

to be harder to try and do that , and that

38:38

was a story , that was a belief system , that

38:40

was something that needed to be unlearned

38:42

. But yeah

38:45

, if people want , I try

38:47

to make myself pretty accessible

38:49

as far as point of contact

38:52

. Um , I have great boundaries

38:54

. That's been a big part of my own work , um

38:57

, but I I don't . I don't have a lot of

38:59

landing pages and funnels to send

39:01

people into right now . I just I

39:03

find that , um , there's

39:05

enough people ready for

39:07

what I do and

39:11

as long as I just kind of put enough out there , occasionally all I do every week is just ask myself

39:13

what did you do this week that exposed

39:15

you to people that you wouldn't have been exposed to otherwise

39:17

? And that might be saying hi to somebody at the grocery store

39:20

, I might be doing a podcast or just

39:22

throwing something up on social media . I don't

39:24

claim to have a lockdown on

39:26

social media strategy . In terms of my execution

39:29

, I've worked with some of the top experts

39:31

in the world and can certainly

39:33

teach other people to do that if that fits

39:35

their model and their energy . But

39:38

mine is a lot more organic

39:40

and it fits because of the type

39:42

of work I do

39:44

with people . If they don't find me organically

39:47

. It's really hard to find the organic

39:49

platform that we're going to reach that

39:52

will make the difference . And

39:54

, of course , we all want to

39:56

be more successful , we all want to feel better

39:58

, we all want whatever , and there's a lot

40:00

of ways to do that . I'm not

40:03

the answer , I'm just

40:05

one of many . And there's enough people

40:07

out there that might be ready for that , and that's kind of many . And there's enough people out there

40:09

that that might be ready for that and uh

40:11

, and that's kind of the magic of it , you

40:13

know , not not forcing it .

40:16

So if somebody's listening to the podcast today and

40:18

they go do the habit finder quiz

40:20

, uh , but

40:22

they don't end up working with you , what

40:25

do they get after the quiz ? Like

40:27

is there , is there some type of an output

40:29

that they get , or does that output

40:31

have to be interpreted by you to mean anything

40:33

?

40:34

So they get access to the

40:36

report and it's pretty comprehensive . If

40:38

you take your time , there's two things take your time

40:40

with it . Don't try to consume it all in one go because

40:43

it's a lot . And secondly

40:45

, be aware of most people's

40:47

assessment programming . You're going to see words programming . You're

40:49

going to see words . You're going to see bars and colors

40:52

and you'll be more drawn to the red stuff than the green

40:54

stuff and and you'll see words like coachable

40:56

and you'll naturally most people

40:58

think it's saying I am

41:00

or I am not coachable . No , it's saying

41:02

that that the axiological mathematical

41:05

equation was a lot easier to

41:07

just call coachable rather

41:09

than give you the actual mathematics

41:11

for it . And we're just saying in

41:14

the part of your brain that we call coachable

41:16

because it has to do with conflicting ideas

41:19

. Here's where it leans

41:21

. It leans more to

41:23

quickly jumping into this is

41:25

the answer . Or it leans more into nope

41:27

, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing , or it has

41:29

a natural balance . But even that

41:32

doesn't mean you're immune from either

41:34

one , depending on the situation and the person . So

41:36

having someone walk you through it can

41:39

be really , really helpful

41:41

. But even then it's not about the

41:43

analysis of it . It's about how you experience

41:46

yourself in going

41:48

through that with someone is , at the end

41:50

of the day , all you've got to

41:52

do to be more successful , to transform

41:55

, to be better , is occur to yourself differently

41:57

. That's all , and

41:59

there's lots of ways to do that .

42:03

So another question for

42:05

you is so you've learned a lot

42:07

through your life , I'm sure

42:09

, especially in the business you're in or

42:11

the world that you're in growing

42:13

up doing things with your dad and then having

42:16

your own coaching and working

42:18

with so many people how

42:21

has that changed you as a father , or how does

42:23

that change the dynamics in

42:25

the household ? I mean , you're definitely not the same person I'm you're . You're

42:27

definitely not the same person I'm sure you were when you're

42:29

20 , that you are today

42:32

because you've learned and you've grown

42:34

and you've studied and you've

42:36

worked with others . And so how has

42:38

, how has the person you are affected

42:41

, how you communicate

42:43

and interact with your family

42:45

members ?

42:46

I love that question so much

42:48

, like what we were just talking about . I

42:51

certainly occur to myself differently than

42:53

I did 20 years ago , but , as a quick detour

42:55

, all the parts

42:57

of me that were here 20 years ago are still here . I

43:01

think that's something that people get caught up in unnecessarily

43:03

is trying to surgically prune out

43:05

the parts of them they don't like . We've

43:09

seen all the human development models . That's not how we work

43:11

. As advanced as we've become

43:13

in society . Every baby born starts

43:15

at the same level as we were when it was ooh , ooh , ah

43:18

, fire . They start

43:20

basic , primal . Now

43:22

they accelerate much quicker over

43:24

the next several years than ever before , and especially

43:27

today . So again , it's semantics , but I'm not a different person much quicker over the next several years than ever before , and especially today . But so I I

43:29

again , it's semantics , but I don't . I'm

43:31

not a different person , I'm more

43:33

, and that more has allowed me to occur

43:36

differently to myself and that has had

43:38

the most rewarding impact on how I I

43:41

parent . I kind of got to borrow

43:43

from my clients for a while um

43:45

, who had older kids and different things , and I

43:47

there's seven of us in my family growing up

43:49

and um and so and four

43:51

of them were were sisters of

43:53

mine , and those those were the ones I was right in the

43:56

middle of my two brothers were the oldest . So I tell people

43:58

, I got my undergrad in female studies

44:00

and now I have three daughters , I'm getting my master's , um

44:11

so ? But with that said , I've been able to borrow clients and said , hey , try it this

44:13

way , try it this counterintuitive way , and see what happens , cause I believed

44:15

I could feel that that was , that

44:17

was human . We can

44:19

call things parenting , entrepreneurship

44:22

. What , at the end of the uh like , uh

44:24

, how to how to talk to this personality

44:26

type , how , what have you learned to talk human

44:28

? Uh , how to how to talk to this personality

44:30

type , how , what have you learned to talk human ? You

44:34

know , like I love to teach people how to speak human , and it's amazing because we're all human and so , regardless

44:36

of someone's personality type and not needing to remember what letter should be on their forehead

44:38

while you're talking to this employee and that employee , when

44:41

you can at least start there's

44:43

. It's relevant that we're all built

44:45

differently , we all have different preferences and whatever

44:47

, but if you can start at a human level and

44:50

I think that's important in parenting and

44:52

one of them . A couple of things that have

44:54

made a huge difference . For me is

44:56

one thing I try to remember the most is it's

44:58

not my fault . Whatever

45:01

happens with my kids , it's not my fault . Something

45:05

bad happens , it wasn't my fault . Something

45:08

good happens , it wasn't my fault . It

45:11

just gives this really beautiful , experimental

45:15

, open space to be with

45:17

your kids , and some people have an

45:20

identity response to that . We've

45:23

been taught that we are engineers

45:25

of our children . Because of our modern

45:27

society and the ability to take little

45:30

bits of data and make huge stories out of it

45:32

, take subjective interpretation and

45:34

believe that's objective reality . And

45:37

if you want to do that , go for

45:39

it . It's just not very fun . It's

45:42

not very enjoyable to put that

45:44

kind of weight and burden on you as

45:46

a parent . I was listening to a

45:48

famous psychiatrist . I can't remember his name right now , but

45:51

he pointed out that there are 400

45:53

unique traits that will emerge

45:55

in your children from age zero to 25

45:57

that have nothing to do with how you parent them . You

46:01

have influence sure , I'll meet you there but

46:04

you do not have control and in a lot

46:06

of ways , a lot of ways

46:08

, you're not responsible

46:11

for how your kids turn out . They're

46:14

people and

46:16

it doesn't take very long till they're

46:18

really close in terms

46:20

of neurological development to where you are right

46:22

now , like you live

46:24

a hundred lifetimes from age zero

46:27

to seven , compared to the one lifetime

46:29

you live neurologically from then on in terms

46:31

of development and we're learning

46:33

all kinds of new things about when a

46:36

lot of natural pruning happens , like in

46:38

girls . 10 and 11 years old is when

46:40

it seems to be . Two years old

46:42

is pretty consistent regardless of gender 10

46:44

, 11 years old for girls

46:46

and 13 or 14 for boys Significant

46:49

pruning of old patterns and new opportunities

46:51

. But even then , after

46:54

seven years old , I

46:56

believe your top priority moves

46:58

from teaching and modeling to

47:01

listening Period

47:03

, end of story , and being safe is really what

47:05

that means . And being safe is really what that

47:07

means . I remember my oldest daughter

47:09

came in . She was 11

47:12

. She

47:14

came in it was late at night and she said I need to talk to you and

47:16

my wife and I were just laying in bed and said sure

47:18

. She said sometimes I think about hurting myself

47:20

. Talk

47:23

about being grateful . I was able to borrow from some

47:25

of my clients that had those situations , because

47:28

my instinctual response was

47:31

that's awesome

47:33

. I said that out loud

47:36

. She said I think about hurting

47:38

myself and I went that's awesome and

47:40

she went what that's awesome

47:42

that you would tell us . That's so

47:45

great that you're telling us this

47:47

. And it was like she

47:50

was covered in mud and the shower turned on in

47:52

terms of just the shame . And suddenly

47:54

we started having a conversation about her thinking

47:56

about cutting herself or hurting herself in

47:58

a totally different context , because it wasn't

48:01

wrong , it

48:03

wasn't bad , and

48:06

you know we're getting into

48:08

some tricky water

48:10

here and I'm

48:12

not here to pick a fight with anyone about what they

48:14

believe is right

48:16

or wrong in this , and there are lots of experts

48:18

out there and I've studied most

48:20

of them and I and , and

48:23

I think they can be helpful , helpful reference points

48:25

, but again , zoom out and see that

48:28

may be correct within the game

48:30

that they are playing . You

48:32

know , if I want to play chess , I can't grab

48:35

the rook and just throw it all the way on the other side of the

48:37

board . I can't move a pawn more than one space . However

48:41

, that doesn't mean that I can't do

48:43

that . It just means , as soon as I do

48:45

, I'm no longer playing chess . And

48:47

so when I can help parents understand , they can play

48:49

a different game than the world has told them they're supposed

48:51

to play . It can feel really

48:54

dangerous and I bring

48:56

a lot of deference and sensitivity

48:59

to that . But

49:02

I believe that the sooner

49:04

you can see your child as their own person

49:06

and you

49:08

can bring your

49:11

child into the parenting relationship

49:13

and bring their parent

49:15

, their person , into the

49:18

parenting relationship and you can dance

49:20

with all of those , so you can see them

49:23

as a child , but you also get

49:25

to see you as a child right next to it . That's a beautiful

49:28

reference point . But also you get to see you as a child right next to it . That's

49:30

a beautiful reference point . But also you get to see you as a person and you see

49:32

them as a person . And that's another beautiful reference

49:35

point . And that's kind of your right foot and left foot

49:37

in the dance and when the right foot

49:39

goes forward , the left foot of the other person goes back

49:41

and so on and so on . And

49:46

it can create this beautiful flow in your parenting where they just

49:48

get to be a person and you don't have to beat

49:50

yourself up so much . You just you

49:52

get to be a witness , which I think is the

49:54

most beautiful point of parenting in the first place

49:56

is you get to witness them

49:59

and if they feel

50:01

safe and I believe the data

50:03

backs this up , depending on why

50:05

they were trying to do the research in the first place which

50:07

is a big part of how research tends

50:10

to turn out as making a point

50:12

or not is

50:15

that if the child feels safe

50:17

, they may make a lot of stupid decisions

50:19

while they live with you , but

50:21

they'll make so many less afterwards

50:24

. And so I'm

50:26

like cool , like let's , let's

50:28

experiment with this . You

50:30

know she may not appreciate me saying

50:32

this out loud , but that same , my oldest

50:35

daughter text us as

50:37

a as evidence of her feeling

50:39

safe . She texts us . On Saturday night , my wife and I

50:41

, we were , we were in bed it was 10 o'clock , I think , and

50:44

um , and she said , can I sneak out

50:46

tonight ? We're

50:49

like , uh , that's a weird question .

50:51

That's awesome .

50:52

We're like what do you mean ? Well , my , my friends

50:54

just asked me if I wanted to sneak out with them tonight , so I figured I'd

50:56

ask . I was like cool , so

50:58

how does this work ? Like , do you come home

51:00

first and then you sneak back out later tonight ? Do

51:02

you need to go out your window ? So it's convincing to like

51:05

whatever it is you know like this is the conversation

51:07

I'm having with my 16 year old . Like

51:09

who does that ? I

51:11

think that kind of freedom is is amazing

51:14

, and I have no doubt there's people that are willing

51:16

to line up and point out all the issues

51:18

with that and

51:20

I don't disagree with those are issues within

51:22

the construct that they may be operating in . But

51:25

in the basic human concept of

51:28

when we feel safe , we're

51:30

better people , and

51:32

I don't mean necessarily safe , protected

51:34

from danger . That's

51:36

kind of a requirement for

51:38

all of us . If we're not addressing that , then everything

51:40

else we're doing is trauma-based

51:42

and survival-based , and that's

51:45

the opposite of freedom , because in that space it's

51:47

all or nothing . You have two decisions , two

51:49

options , the least amount of options you can have

51:51

without having no options . And

51:54

so we had the conversation . I woke up at 2 am

51:56

. It was like I wonder if she's home . Checked her location

51:58

, she wasn't . My next text to her

52:00

was how's your sneak out going ? You

52:02

know , like I've been taught

52:04

that's bad , that's dangerous . Okay

52:11

, taught that's bad , that's dangerous . Okay , maybe I don't . I think you could look statistically . It's not

52:13

any more dangerous than her driving during the day when there's more traffic , or than

52:16

being at seven , 11 at 2 AM getting a slushy

52:18

with friends or whatever . And

52:20

then the next morning I was like hey , I asked you to

52:22

text me when you got home and I noticed this morning that you didn't

52:24

. What's up with that . She's like oh , out on the couch

52:26

, I'm so tired . Oh , how

52:28

was it a good time . She's like it was really hard to stay awake

52:30

, but it was pretty fun . Like well , did you go out the window

52:33

? Did you at least go out the backyard ? Come on

52:35

, you were supposed to be sneaking out like and

52:37

just stepping back from that and being like if I

52:39

get to have conversations like that with my kids they

52:41

feel that safe . That would

52:43

normally be done in secret , gets to be

52:45

done out loud , gets to be done in witness

52:48

then I'll

52:50

bank on that more

52:52

than them presenting themselves as a

52:54

obedient child in my presence

52:56

. And if we hit a boundary

52:58

, like if she had asked to sneak out and that was a boundary

53:01

, we get to talk about that too . But it doesn't get to

53:03

be about that was bad of

53:05

you to ask or that was bad

53:07

of you to not bring it up . It's

53:09

. It's about a safety and

53:11

I think one of the other coolest things about parenting

53:14

that I think

53:16

will really serve people that

53:19

was taught to me was that lies

53:22

are just protection

53:24

. This moral

53:26

indignation we get with our kids when they

53:28

lie to us is not helping us out

53:30

. Now , I don't , I'm

53:33

not saying when a kid lies , they're

53:35

just protecting themselves and so it's okay

53:37

for them to lie . We're not talking

53:39

about whether it's okay to lie . We're talking about

53:41

what's the priority . When

53:44

we get this moral indignation , we make the lie

53:46

the priority because we were lied

53:48

to . Can you hear that ? I was

53:50

lied to . How dare you ? Like

53:52

we can't hear the narcissism in

53:54

that , rather than going , wow

53:57

, my child didn't feel safe . I'm

54:01

really curious about why that is . And

54:04

then we can go have that conversation , not

54:07

because we don't care about the lie . We

54:09

can go have that conversation , not because we don't care about the lie , but because that's actually

54:11

a more effective way of addressing it rather than

54:13

forcing a behavior that is supposed to happen . And then

54:15

we add to it by saying if you had told the truth

54:18

what do we usually say after that ? You wouldn't

54:20

be in trouble . You wouldn't be in trouble . Well , that

54:22

doesn't work , because the child knows

54:24

the lie wasn't okay , but they weren't thinking

54:26

about it when they did it . They were in a survival response

54:28

, so they weren't using that part of the

54:30

brain . So they just lied

54:32

because in the moment it

54:34

was to protect themselves . And then , when you call

54:36

them on it , they can't tell you why they lied . So

54:38

they feel even more shame , they

54:41

feel even worse . And then you tell them if you

54:43

had told the truth you wouldn't have gotten in trouble . But

54:46

part of them knew , because of the moral

54:48

programming , that they did something wrong , so

54:50

they need to be punished . So you

54:52

didn't give them any motivation to tell the truth anyway , because

54:54

a part of them feels like they were supposed to get punished . And

54:57

so if they told the truth they wouldn't have got punished , which

54:59

wouldn't address the shame that they're feeling . And on

55:01

, and on , and on , and on . It's

55:03

not about you fixing

55:06

them or or you know the

55:08

right things . It's a . Do they feel safe

55:10

? Do they feel like they're allowed

55:12

to explore themselves as a person

55:14

? Because I don't know

55:16

about you , but the thousands of clients I've worked

55:18

with . We're usually talking about

55:21

stuff that happened seven

55:23

years old , 10 years old , 15 years old , 17

55:25

years old the time that every other adult was telling

55:27

them how to act , telling

55:29

them what was right and wrong for them , telling

55:32

them like I know better for you

55:34

, and we just continue

55:36

to buy that , even though there's , you know , therapy

55:39

and the coaching and the healing and all the work

55:41

that people are trying to figure out now happened

55:44

at that time Like , hey , let's take

55:46

a look at that , let's take a look at that

55:48

.

55:49

That's good stuff . That is great , I'm going to take

55:51

some of that with me , that's for sure .

55:52

Absolutely , and hopefully the people that are listening

55:54

today got . I

55:57

mean , there's a lot of content here , uh

56:00

, and I hope you can pick a

56:02

couple of these things . Implement them in your life

56:04

. Be a better parent . Help your kids

56:06

feel safer um . Be a better parent . Help your kids feel safer um . Recognize

56:09

yourself

56:11

, and the way that you are feeling

56:13

um is not necessarily

56:15

you know your , your

56:18

, uh , your identity

56:23

. You're

56:25

a gentleman and a

56:27

scholar , and I mean that At

56:34

the end of every Gentleman Project podcast episode , we ask our guests what

56:36

they think it means to be a gentleman

56:39

.

56:42

Well , the thing that stands out to me the most

56:44

is gentle . Yeah

56:48

, I

56:52

think that

56:54

may not be what being a gentleman has always

56:56

meant , but

57:06

I think today , where the world is , we don't need more strength in terms of force . I

57:09

think we need more gentle . We may not agree with what this upcoming generation

57:11

is , the way they're trying to do that

57:14

, and every

57:16

generation judges the next one , you know

57:18

we're we're , we're the , we're the those

57:20

whippersnappers like get off my

57:22

front lawn . Yeah , like that's what we're doing

57:24

. Like look at the way they text , look at this

57:27

. Look

57:35

at the way they text , look at this , look at that . Like we've naturally rolled into that . That's

57:37

not new , um , but I think that that this upcoming generation , one of the most beautiful

57:39

things they're they're pointing out is that we have developed so much as a world , at

57:41

least in in . Western domesticated

57:44

society if you will not

57:46

, as that's the only one , but that's the one that I can speak

57:48

to because that's the one I live in that

57:50

we have developed so much that we don't need

57:53

the brute force as much

57:55

as we used to to survive you

57:58

know , we , we get to be hunters and gatherers

58:00

, but let's not forget as a gentleman if you

58:02

believe a gentleman should be a hunter , the

58:05

gentle part of that is understand that even a

58:07

hundred thousand years ago the hunter would only hunt

58:09

once a week , once

58:12

every couple of weeks , guess what he ? spent the rest

58:14

of the time doing Singing

58:16

, dancing , connecting , eating

58:19

, resting , and

58:21

today we're trying to convince ourselves you've

58:23

got to be a hunter 24-7 . That's

58:25

not a gentleman , that's not gentle

58:27

. Being able to hustle

58:30

, I think , is a skill

58:32

the gentleman will want to have , but

58:35

needing to I

58:37

don't believe is the epitome of a gentleman

58:39

. And we live in a society now that

58:41

is so advanced that it can be so

58:43

much easier if you'll let it , if

58:46

you'll allow it to be . And I

58:48

believe that gentleness , connection

58:51

, awareness is the next currency

58:54

. We've been in a technological

58:56

age where data has been the currency , labor

58:58

before that . I think awareness

59:00

, consciousness , that

59:02

thrives in a gentle . You're gentle

59:05

with you , so I can're gentle with you , so

59:07

I can be gentle with you , I'm able

59:09

to be those other things

59:11

if I need to . I'm not afraid of being strong

59:14

, but needing to be . The desperation

59:16

that comes from that , I think a gentleman is

59:18

able to quiet that

59:21

storm .

59:22

It's a beautiful definition . Thank

59:24

you . Thank you All

59:28

right , everybody . If you

59:30

haven't liked and subscribed

59:32

to the podcast , we'd

59:38

appreciate that . If Paul's message resonated with you today and somebody's name popped into

59:40

your head that you think might need to hear this message , share it

59:42

with them . Act on each good thought . I'm Kirk Chuck

59:44

. I'm Corey Moore .

59:46

Thanks everyone .