0:00

Hi , I'm Corey Moore .

0:02

Welcome to the Gentleman Project Podcast and I'm Kirk

0:04

Chug . Today , randy Sparks joins us in a podcast

0:07

studio . Randy and I have

0:09

got to know each other over the past year

0:11

and a half , probably At least . It

0:14

was right after COVID I was invited

0:16

to be part of a men's group , which you may have heard of . We've

0:18

had Brian Hurd and

0:20

Curtis Morley from the same men's group and

0:23

this group of guys is the

0:25

type of people that you want to hang out with and Randy

0:27

has always stood out to me as one of those

0:29

guys that I want to learn from . And we've

0:32

been able to kind of connect outside

0:35

of the men's group and

0:37

he started a podcast recently

0:39

and we were able to kind of share some knowledge

0:41

. And as I've got

0:43

to know Randy more and more , I

0:47

think that he has a gift to share

0:49

with the world . You'll learn

0:51

what that is today through

0:53

his podcast , what he talks about and the way he

0:55

makes people feel when he's with them . I

0:58

think we've got a lot to learn . So welcome

1:00

, randy . You're an amazing dude , glad you

1:02

could join us today , excited to be with you guys

1:05

. He looks like a rock star

1:07

because he is . He's a

1:09

uh , he's a shredder . He

1:11

plays the electric guitar , as

1:14

for years and years , and we nobody

1:16

knew this about randy in the men's group until

1:18

he posted a video I don't know how you guys didn't know

1:20

that , but I don't know . You were apparently

1:24

super famous and we just didn't know it . But the

1:26

dude can still shred , so

1:29

that started a long time ago .

1:30

You've been doing that for a while oh , since I

1:32

was a kid , I used to steal my brother's van

1:34

halen records when I was five years old this

1:36

is in maybe 1980

1:39

, 81 and oh

1:42

, it just made me feel something inside . I just love

1:44

it so much . I love anything

1:46

where you crank a guitar amp to 11

1:48

and just let it scream , but I also

1:51

love the soft stuff . But there's just something

1:53

about that that's just got a place in my heart .

1:54

So did your kids get into that at all ? Did you pass

1:57

that on to the next generation ?

1:58

nope , no , um , no

2:01

, although my son did build my son

2:03

max , he's 17 , he's awesome school

2:05

. They had a project in one of their wood classes

2:07

and he built a replica of

2:10

Eddie Van Halen's first Frankenstein

2:12

guitar when it was still the black and white

2:14

stripe . Anyway , any any Van Halen nerds

2:16

out there know what I'm talking about , so he obviously has some kind

2:18

of appreciation and it hangs on his wall . He's not

2:21

really a player , but he built it and

2:23

I'm working on some guitar build

2:25

projects . This is a new thing for me . And he

2:27

says , Dad , can we buy me a kit ? And he wants to

2:29

build a Telecaster . And so I'm

2:31

going to get him a kit and we'll build a guitar together . It's going to be fun

2:33

.

2:34

Oh yeah , that sounds like a really great father-son

2:36

thing .

2:37

So how many kids do you have ? Three

2:46

kids , Um , 17, . Max is 17 . Um , he's a senior . He went to his prom this weekend with his , with

2:48

his cute girl , and um , oh man , he's going to kill me . But he had his first kiss

2:50

a couple of weeks ago and he knew that this , dad

2:52

was his first high five since he was a little

2:55

kid . We knew that

2:57

. All right , dude , you know when this happens , you

3:00

know what to do . He walks in with his hand up just

3:02

waiting for the high five , and I'm like yes

3:04

, it's happened

3:06

.

3:06

He told us that that's amazing .

3:08

Oh , it was the best . I was so excited for

3:10

him .

3:11

That's cool . So you've got a 17 year old son

3:13

.

3:13

Oh yeah , we're talking about kids , yeah , and I got a 15 year old

3:15

daughter . Um , she's named

3:17

Penelope . She goes by Penny , but I think

3:19

Penelope is the most beautiful name ever and

3:21

so that's what I call her . And

3:24

her mind is

3:26

like like

3:28

Lewis Carroll has nothing on

3:30

Penelope Sparks , the , the

3:33

imagination that's happening inside

3:35

her mind and it , it tortures

3:37

and blesses her in the most amazing

3:40

ways of of the creativity that just

3:42

spills through . That that's

3:44

her superpower . Superpower , max's superpower

3:46

is he , is , he feels you

3:48

, he is just the sweetest , most

3:50

loving kid and he , just he . He

3:52

really is a tender heart and he feels

3:55

and loves hard . And

3:57

then my youngest daughter . We had a

3:59

gap , six-year gap . She's eva , eva

4:02

is her name , and

4:04

she's nine . And her superpower

4:07

is she makes friends with everybody

4:09

fast and she knows

4:11

everybody's name , every kid in her

4:13

whole school , in every class , in every

4:15

age , and their parents . She knows

4:17

them all well . She's just friends with

4:19

everybody , not afraid of anything or anybody so

4:23

I love how you talk about your kids .

4:25

They're superpowers and this is who they are

4:27

and they're going to . I'm sure you

4:29

tell them that now , but they're going to look back on

4:31

this podcast someday and listen to this

4:33

and their dad talking about them and that's going to be cool

4:35

.

4:36

I hope so . I hope they know that . I'm

4:38

sure they can tell that you've this

4:48

isn't the first time you've talked about them in that way . No , it's true

4:50

In fact . Um , with my son oh , this is a story I'm probably I might start crying about

4:52

this . Um , I imagined , uh , I think about being a dad and

4:54

when I've got one of my

4:56

kids that needs my attention , um

4:59

, I kind of go all in . But then I worry

5:01

that the one that's just doing

5:04

great , like they've got it , they're fine

5:06

. And I just really started feeling

5:08

the other day . I'm like I think I've been given a lot

5:10

of attention to my daughters recently , you

5:13

know , over the last couple of years , with some , you

5:15

know , unique challenges or things that have come along

5:17

along the way , and Max has

5:19

just been so good . He's been the one

5:21

that really didn't need a lot of like

5:24

, oh man , he's going through this or that or he

5:26

just handles it and

5:28

and he's good and steady . And

5:31

then I I just started thinking about

5:33

that and I'm like , oh man , I've given

5:35

so much attention to the others lately

5:37

At least , this is the story in my head and

5:40

I walked down and he's just sitting alone on the couch . I'm like

5:42

, hey , max , I want to talk to you . Dude

5:45

, I couldn't get five words out before

5:47

I just started bawling my eyes out . I'm just

5:49

telling him hey , man , and I tried to explain that

5:51

story to him . I was like , you know , I

5:54

just love you so much and

5:56

you're so steady and you're

5:59

doing so good and

6:06

I'm so proud of you that I wonder if you felt like I've neglected you , because I've spent

6:08

a lot of time with his sisters . And

6:12

if it ever has felt like that

6:14

, the purpose of that is because I

6:17

trust where he is and have so

6:19

much confidence in him . But then I worry

6:21

that that might have had a different effect . And I just looked

6:23

at him and I'm like and then the other

6:25

day I wanted to come home and watch

6:27

a movie with you and you were telling me you're going to your

6:30

girlfriend's house . And I was like , oh

6:32

man , I'm losing my son , and

6:34

so then my heart breaks and I'm crying to him

6:36

. And we just sat there and held each other for a long time

6:38

and his tears are coming down , um

6:41

, and , and so I think he gets it . I

6:43

think he feels it because when I look at him

6:45

I feel like I'm looking in the mirror , like

6:48

it's it's me . He's got the same

6:50

heart , the same personality as me , and so , um

6:53

, the blessing of that is also the curse

6:55

, because I know what pains

6:57

he feels and

6:59

you know , and I can tell when he's feeling it

7:01

, and so I feel

7:04

that connection to him for that .

7:08

What a cool conversation . He's probably never going to forget

7:10

that either . What

7:12

did he say ? Did he say when

7:14

I when I have conversations like that with

7:16

my kids are like , oh , it's okay , dad , you

7:19

know ? Like oh , don't feel bad about that . Like

7:21

well , no , I like how do you feel

7:23

about it ? Like like I'm apologizing

7:26

because I feel like I've like maybe neglected

7:28

or fallen short in this area . Um

7:31

, was he , was he open with you about like yeah , maybe

7:33

I did feel like that a little bit , or did you

7:35

guys just was all the talking done with

7:38

a hug ?

7:39

and just yeah , you know what he said . He

7:41

said nothing and he said everything in

7:44

in his eyes and in his heart and

7:46

and in his hug . I mean , it

7:49

was , that was everything . So

7:52

you know , he doesn't , he doesn't talk a lot

7:54

.

7:55

What 17 year old kid really does

7:58

.

7:58

That's true , you get lots of one word answers Um

8:01

, and he's . He's also um guilty

8:04

of that , as as am I . Um , but

8:06

yeah , he definitely . I mean , I could see it in

8:08

his face and see it in his eyes and and

8:11

, oh man . And then , when he just

8:13

leaned in to hold me , I mean , what

8:15

more could I ask ? Doesn't get better than that , yep .

8:18

So you seem like you're pretty in tune

8:20

empathetic , um

8:23

aware

8:25

person in

8:27

general . What made you the way you are

8:29

? What made you the dad you

8:31

are ?

8:32

Um , I would say I

8:36

, I'm . I'm my mother's son

8:38

in that sense

8:40

, you know where I've . I've taken

8:42

a lot of like gifts and knowledge

8:45

and skills from both my parents . Um

8:47

, as far as it goes to my , my heart

8:49

and the expression of that , I

8:52

feel like it's all my mom and

8:54

she was just this , this

8:57

loving saint

9:00

, and all love and all empathy and

9:02

and man she was just the

9:04

best , still is , and

9:06

so I think I got that from my mother . My

9:10

dad was all

9:13

big dreams

9:15

and vision and hard work and

9:17

I can do that , whereas

9:20

my mom , she , was all the

9:22

love and tenderness

9:25

, and so

9:27

I learned a lot from both of them .

9:28

That's really a good one-two punch right there . I

9:33

sometimes think in life in general like I

9:35

want to accomplish things and I want to make

9:37

things happen , but

9:39

you can't just make things happen

9:41

with emotional beings

9:43

called humans . You

9:46

have to have . You have to do that via love , right ? You

9:48

have to actually start with love on

9:51

the way to accomplishing whatever , especially if

9:53

you're working with other people , even yourself

9:55

, right ? So I don't

9:57

know why I thought about that this morning . So when you said

9:59

that , I thought , oh , that's a perfect , like

10:01

unconditional love , backed by

10:03

dreaming and accomplishing

10:06

and moving forward

10:08

and trying to become your best self . Maybe call

10:10

it continuous improvement . That's cool

10:12

.

10:13

Yeah , and those are things that I didn't necessarily

10:16

appreciate as a kid One because it was

10:18

just my reality Like this is . Isn't

10:21

everybody's life like this . I

10:24

even even my friends that lived across the street . I

10:26

just assumed that this is what life is like , is this is what

10:28

parents are like . They're all like my

10:30

mom and dad . And then and then learning that it's

10:32

not like that and over the years , and

10:34

and then looking back and saying , wow , you

10:36

know , this parenting thing isn't just

10:40

you walk in the park , it's , you

10:42

know , it's a lot of work and intentional effort

10:44

. And then to think and

10:46

be able to give grace to my own parents for

10:48

all of that work that

10:50

they did for me and

10:52

how much it was for me , and even

10:55

their mistakes along the way , was their

10:57

attempt to do the absolute best

11:00

for me and oh my goodness what

11:02

I got out of that .

11:06

It's impactful to look back on that now as a parent and see what

11:08

your parents did for you , isn't it Right

11:10

? You inherited

11:12

a lot from your folks , it sounds like , through

11:14

their personalities and the things that they

11:17

taught you . You also got a pretty cool

11:19

last name , sparks

11:21

, and uh , that's

11:23

your

11:26

. The name of your podcast is sparks of gratitude

11:28

, which works really great . You're

11:31

, you're one of the guys

11:33

that lives

11:36

a life of gratitude and

11:38

he has tapped into the

11:41

superpower of gratitude that

11:43

anybody can practice . And

11:46

as I watched you and the way that

11:48

you are mindful , like , corey just met you and

11:51

he's already picked up on like this empathetic

11:53

, very in tune , purposeful

11:55

, intentional guy that I've

11:57

gotten over the last year and a half , and

12:00

I think you do so much of what

12:02

you do do through gratitude

12:04

, and so

12:06

I want to tap so much of what you do do through gratitude , and

12:08

so I want to tap into some of the needy

12:10

, greedy of

12:13

what do you do to

12:16

practice gratitude ? Like , what are your

12:18

strategies ? Strategy

12:20

is a bad word , but like , how do you practice

12:22

it ? Your gratitude practice on a daily

12:24

basis , because you don't

12:26

just talk about it on your podcast

12:28

. This is part of who you are and

12:31

the reason why you're doing the podcast

12:33

. You didn't start this because I got a cool ass name

12:35

and I can make a cool podcast name and

12:38

I can have a bunch of cool people on , like this

12:40

is who you were before the podcast and

12:42

on your podcast you talk about it because

12:45

of how much you believe in it . So take

12:47

us down some of your gratitude practice and

12:50

why gratitude is so

12:52

important to you .

12:53

Oh my goodness , how much time we got .

12:55

Well , this is yeah , we have episodes

12:57

.

12:59

Well , let's try to be concise with it , but this , uh

13:02

, intentional gratitude practice

13:04

has been something that's literally changed

13:06

my life . I

13:09

believe that gratitude literally

13:12

can save lives . It

13:16

certainly impacted my life , certainly

13:18

has changed it for the better . I

13:21

believe gratitude is the opposite

13:23

of resentment and entitlement . I

13:26

think gratitude can pull people out of the worst

13:29

moments that they have . I

13:31

think gratitude can prepare people to

13:33

endure well those challenging

13:36

moments that they may face . And

13:39

where it came from for me and I'll

13:41

kind of describe the evolution

13:43

of my kind of , you know , the little

13:45

daily morning routines and things like that

13:47

and where that came

13:49

from . Really , I think you guys

13:51

have had Dr Paul Jenkins on your podcast

13:54

before and we have . He was

13:56

appropriately

13:58

my first guest on our very first

14:00

episode , because it was maybe a dozen

14:02

years ago . My wife and I used to visit with Dr

14:04

Paul Jenkins when he was practicing psychologist

14:06

and and . I love . You

14:08

know his book and his story , pathological positivity

14:11

and we were having some

14:13

challenges . I think it was maybe

14:16

raising our daughter , who was the creative one

14:18

. She was a little tough as a young

14:20

toddler , she

14:23

was really hard . But

14:25

but we were working with Dr Paul

14:27

and in part of this , somewhere

14:30

in the conversation , he challenged us to start

14:33

a daily gratitude routine , a gratitude

14:35

practice , and he gave us

14:37

a challenge to do that and

14:40

to write daily things

14:42

we're grateful for . And he says but you got

14:44

to make sure that a certain number

14:46

of those things are the hard things . And

14:49

he says that's what powers it up , is when you can find

14:51

where you're grateful and what you're grateful

14:53

for in the hard stuff , in

14:56

the cancer , in losing your

14:58

job , in whatever

15:01

is this challenging thing ? Now , you don't necessarily

15:03

have to be grateful for that

15:05

cancer , but

15:08

what comes from it ? You know

15:10

where is gratitude in this

15:12

, because it's there If you can search

15:15

for it and it takes work , um

15:17

, but so we started that and

15:19

you know , really , my wife she's like , oh my gosh

15:21

, I can't believe that . I had just ordered two gratitude

15:23

journals and she came to me and she'd given

15:25

it to me and said , hey , randy like

15:28

committed me to write in it every day and I'm like , okay , I'll

15:30

do that . And , and so I did . And

15:32

it was prompted . You know it said , every morning

15:34

, maybe , write you know a power

15:37

statement or something and three things I'm grateful for

15:39

in the morning , and , um , and at the

15:41

end of the day , you know three things that were awesome and

15:44

something like that . And so I did

15:46

that and , you know , filled a couple of books with these

15:48

and we do it over and over , and then just

15:50

realized it wasn't just the

15:52

daily routine . Um , it

15:55

was how it changed my outlook on life

15:57

outside of that . That

15:59

kind of got the motor running

16:01

and then I would , consistently

16:04

, I found myself , you

16:07

know , even driving in traffic . I was patient

16:09

. I , you know , I

16:11

could , I just felt different . But

16:14

what really , where it had

16:18

its teeth was when I

16:21

would have something challenging come along and

16:25

say , oh my goodness

16:27

, like through that , I knew that this

16:29

was for me , this challenge was for me

16:31

, and I could see gratitude . Well , there's

16:33

something in this for me that's

16:35

improving me . I

16:37

mean , there's a lot of experience that happened

16:39

along the way through that , but really a

16:41

daily gratitude practice , prompted by Dr Paul

16:44

Jenkins initially , but that we

16:46

kept along for many years . And

16:48

then we went through something pretty hard

16:50

and

16:58

on the other side of it we thought , wow , like how , how amazing it was that we were able to

17:00

continue that gratitude practice through what was , you know , one of the more challenging

17:03

, devastating moments in our life , and

17:06

and then , on the other

17:08

side , say , well , that helped pull us through

17:10

and and

17:13

what was on the other side was so much better than

17:16

what we even imagined . And

17:18

then after

17:20

that , we , my wife and I , really

17:22

felt like you know what we're ? We're

17:24

God has done something

17:26

for us and he's blessed us in

17:29

a big way , and

17:31

he now it's our turn

17:33

. And so

17:35

we felt this like nudge , like you got to do something

17:37

. We're like stop poking me

17:39

in the ribs . What do you want ? You know ? Like that's kind

17:41

of how we felt . We're like , yeah , we need to do

17:43

something to to give back , but

17:46

it but we kept feeling like it had to be

17:48

on this um idea of

17:50

gratitude , and we said , well , what

17:53

do we have to offer ? Um , and

17:56

so we started printing gratitude journals and

17:59

we've given away thousands of them , you

18:01

know , and I print them every client I have at work . You

18:03

know , I'm an attorney , I'm a trust attorney and I do

18:05

wills and trusts for lots of people and every

18:08

one of them , they all get a couple gratitude journals

18:10

and it's , they say , sparks of gratitude

18:12

on them and I'm like I'm not giving people thank you cards , I'm

18:14

giving them the gift of gratitude and

18:17

but you know , thousands of these over the years we've

18:19

given out . And then we knew , like

18:22

, you know , what's the next level of this . There's

18:24

something else we're supposed to do . And I thought , well

18:26

, the only reason that this

18:28

has become meaningful in my life is because

18:31

somebody else challenged me

18:33

to do it . Somebody else taught me something

18:35

and luckily

18:37

I listened to some of those things and

18:40

try to implement it . Um

18:42

, and I thought , well , why don't I just press

18:44

record while I'm talking to people and

18:47

listen to those lessons ? And

18:49

so we we started the podcast

18:51

and I was really nervous about it . Um , I and

18:54

I I delayed it for two

18:56

or three years before I kind

18:58

of got up the courage to actually push record

19:00

, cause I got a lot of dopamine by

19:02

telling people I'm going to do a podcast , because

19:05

it made me feel , it made the brain

19:08

chemicals in my head feel like I was doing something

19:10

when I actually wasn't um

19:12

, just telling people that I'm going to Um

19:15

, but then eventually I I did that and

19:17

it's been . It's been amazing to to

19:19

talk to people and listen to their triumphs and tragedies

19:21

and and how gratitude has played

19:23

a part in their life and

19:26

I hope someone listens to that and you

19:29

know has a takeaway .

19:30

A takeaway , well they do , because I

19:32

know I looked at your listen score and

19:35

you're ranked in the top 10 percent

19:37

of all podcasts worldwide . After

19:40

four episodes he's got some really

19:42

cool guests on his podcast . So when you're done

19:44

here , go look him up . Sparks of gratitude , because

19:47

he did it . I I'm proud of you , thank

19:50

you . We talked about it for a while and

19:53

you finally did it .

19:54

I love positive paradigm shifts , like you

19:56

had with the gratitude journal

19:58

, right , basically , it made you see

20:00

the world different and changed you how

20:03

you see the world . Um

20:05

, love that . I always tell my kids . Happiness

20:07

is a choice . I think that the gratitude

20:09

thing is a way to practice that

20:12

. So I'm going to

20:14

talk to my kids and say , okay , let's

20:16

do a gratitude journal for a was that's teaching me ? You

20:18

mentioned a major challenge Is that something you

20:20

wanted to share publicly

20:35

or you don't share that publicly ?

20:37

Oh well , we've got lots of them , but part

20:39

of it was you know , I've worked for

20:41

the law firm I work at for the last four

20:44

years . I worked at another great

20:47

firm for eight

20:49

or nine years before that and imagined

20:51

myself staying there forever and

20:54

then eventually we

21:00

split up our partnership and

21:02

I didn't really imagine that

21:04

in

21:07

my plans , but that's

21:09

the way it happened and I look back and say wow that was

21:11

amazing I'm so grateful

21:13

for , for

21:15

that entire time that I

21:17

had that . that created who I , helped

21:20

create who I , who I was . And

21:23

then um . Had it not been for

21:25

um , you know , something

21:27

kind of like knocking me out for

21:29

something kind of like knocking me out , I

21:31

probably wouldn't have moved to

21:34

a next stage in my life , and

21:44

so I kind of needed something to kind of knock me out

21:46

of that place . But it was hard , because I didn't imagine that

21:48

. I

21:51

didn't imagine that I wouldn't be working there . I thought I'd be working

21:53

there forever and retire , you know , working

21:55

in this place , and so I didn't allow myself

21:57

to see beyond this , this paradigm

21:59

. But then , once I was allowed to see the

22:01

other side of it , I thought , oh , there's

22:03

, there's something different , there's something

22:05

more . And it actually freed my , my

22:08

mind to think about . Well

22:10

, I'm willing to

22:12

see something that I can't now

22:15

. I'm open

22:17

to some new possibility that I

22:19

can't even yet imagine

22:21

there could be a new future for

22:23

me and it's kind of exciting

22:26

, you , it's a little frightening and exciting

22:28

all at once and um

22:31

yeah

22:33

, it was amazing .

22:36

So you've got 17 years

22:38

worth of fatherhood experience

22:40

. If

22:43

you were to go back and write

22:45

a letter to yourself when you first became a dad

22:47

, what are the things you'd

22:49

put in that letter ?

22:51

You know , I heard I want to

22:53

say something super profound , but

22:55

I think the truth is that

22:58

I wouldn't have listened to any of it , because

23:00

I knew what I was doing .

23:02

Yeah , it's

23:05

kind of the truth , Like you figure

23:07

. You figure that you've got the tools and

23:09

you do the best with what you have and

23:12

relationships

23:14

and so on .

23:36

But , I've also been able to watch my siblings

23:38

get married and raise their kids

23:41

, and I got to come along after

23:43

and take what they've learned

23:45

along the way . Cherry pick

23:47

some of the things you didn't learn for yourself Right

23:50

, and then I get to do it wrong my own way . I

23:54

love it . But

23:57

there , yeah , what would , what would I

23:59

say I , I , you

24:05

know what I think is the first child . I

24:08

wish I could take

24:10

, being a father of three

24:12

kids and apply what I'd

24:14

learned and give those same benefits

24:16

to child one , because

24:19

we learned on him , and

24:22

child two and three get

24:25

the lessons that we learned where he got

24:27

the experiment .

24:29

I think every parent that has more than one

24:31

kid would say that .

24:32

Yeah .

24:35

My parents have told me that I've told myself

24:37

that .

24:37

So , yeah , that's yeah . So if I and

24:39

I've apologized to my oldest too , yeah

24:42

, and like , as she gets to the , you

24:45

know she's the oldest one we have , so she

24:47

gets all the firsts . You know like's the oldest one we have , so she gets all

24:49

the firsts , you know , like , the things that you never think about

24:51

, like well , what happens if this happens ? Or what

24:53

if she wants to do this ? Or you

24:56

know you , you you're

24:58

prompted by experiences

25:00

to go , okay , we haven't thought about this . And

25:03

oftentimes I find myself just saying , hey

25:06

, um , I just need you to extend me a little

25:08

grace here , because I've never dealt with this before

25:10

, that you're the first . I apologize that

25:12

you're the oldest , but you are , and

25:15

I've got to figure out . I

25:18

don't know , I don't know the answer to this right

25:20

now , but that

25:22

didn't come until like

25:24

much later . Yeah , it

25:26

wasn't , it wasn't like all growing up , I'm like'm

25:28

like , I'm sorry , you're the first person I've ever tried

25:31

to parent or father and I'm

25:33

gonna screw up . I'm so sorry you

25:35

. You just like , you said like you wouldn't have listened

25:37

to the advice because you knew what you were doing , and

25:40

uh . So I think , I think

25:42

it's a profound question . I heard somebody heard

25:45

somebody ask it the other day , like what would you write

25:47

to yourself ? You could go back in time

25:49

and just like leave yourself a note . You

25:51

know , and I think for me the

25:54

little things are not the big things

25:56

. That's what I would say , like if I was going

25:58

to go back and raise little kids again . All

26:00

the little things that I worried about , the

26:03

clean bedroom , the

26:06

little things that I got upset about , they're

26:09

not worth getting upset over . You're

26:11

just making sure your kid feels safe and loved and

26:15

has structure . Yeah , I love

26:17

that I got . I got too worked up because

26:19

my identity was tied to what's everybody

26:21

going to think if my kid misbehaves ? And

26:24

that reflects poorly on me as a parent

26:26

that I am doing a bad job at the most important

26:28

job .

26:30

I love that and I love that . You said you , you

26:32

have that conversation with your

26:34

daughter or all of your kids . Um , my

26:38

wife and I try to do that . Um , quite

26:40

often it's a it's a pretty big theme in the

26:42

house where our kids know

26:44

that they're teaching us how to be parents , like

26:47

we are doing it together

26:49

and and

26:52

we'll have the conversation with them about

26:54

, you know , what can we do better . You

26:56

know , um , and sometimes I

26:59

think you know they may not feel

27:01

like it's a two way

27:03

conversation , you know

27:05

, but but in my head that that's

27:07

where we're trying to go is involve

27:10

them in that .

27:11

One of the conversations I've started having with my kids

27:13

the last little while , last couple of years , is trying

27:15

to see it from both points of view . Meaning

27:20

I'll talk to them about is this the

27:22

way you're seeing it , is this the way you're feeling

27:24

? And get that conversation

27:26

going and then get them to see it

27:28

from my point of view . Can you see that I'm trying

27:30

to be a good dad ? Can you see that I'm trying

27:32

to help you like , learn and grow and

27:34

become a responsible adult

27:37

? And that conversation

27:39

is helpful because first

27:42

I always listened to their point of view first , but

27:45

then when you can see it in their eyes

27:47

, especially as they get older and they can comprehend

27:49

what you're talking about , you can see it in

27:52

their eyes , that aha moment of oh

27:54

, yeah , even if I don't like

27:56

what he's saying and even if I don't agree with

27:59

what he's saying and even if I want to be defensive

28:01

, yeah , darn it , I can see

28:03

dad's just trying to be a good dad right

28:13

?

28:13

well , and another very interesting question to ask when you're in that situation is to ask them how

28:15

would you deal this , how would you deal with this if you were me ? That's a great question

28:17

, because then

28:19

they have to look at it through your point of view . Great

28:21

question yeah and

28:23

it .

28:23

It's tough . I I sometimes worry if my kids

28:26

, when I , when I talk about that is you know what , what do

28:28

you , you know how would you deal with the situation

28:30

? Or you know what do you recommend to

28:33

get their input on that , and

28:35

sometimes I worry are they just responding

28:37

with I was just going to say what they

28:39

want , cause I know that's what they're going to say . Well

28:42

, I can't use my device , or

28:44

, yeah , that's the fair thing

28:46

. That's

28:54

the fair thing , but I I think I have thoughtful kids , um , and I learned

28:57

so much from them . I one thing that's been really amazing is my daughter

28:59

goes to this um . Both of my

29:01

daughters go to this um private school

29:03

called slope slope

29:05

school . It's a , it's an act in academy

29:08

if anybody knows what that

29:10

is , but one of the things that they do at the school , that may

29:12

be one of the most important . I actually interviewed

29:14

the principal on my podcast a couple weeks ago .

29:16

This was my next question um .

29:19

One of the things that they do , um

29:21

, or two of the most impactful things that

29:23

they do at this school are are one is is

29:25

socratic discussion , where they

29:27

have the entire entire age

29:30

group of kids get together and they have a discussion

29:32

together and they come prepared and they ask

29:34

a question to teach them how to really

29:36

really think critically , and

29:40

the process is awesome because they

29:45

really have to exercise their minds . But one of the

29:47

other things that they do and I only learned

29:49

about it when my daughter brought it home is

29:51

they have something that's called a peace talk and

29:54

these are kids from elementary

29:56

age all the way up through ninth grade , like

29:58

young kids , five-year-olds , all the

30:00

way up to 15 , 16-year-olds , and

30:04

they all know what a peace talk is . And in every

30:06

classroom they have a table that's

30:08

the peace table and it's got the

30:10

protocol on top of the table , which is you

30:12

know , anytime a kid has a

30:14

conflict or a disagreement with

30:17

somebody , they know the process to resolve

30:19

it and they come and they say I want

30:21

to have a peace talk with somebody , and

30:23

there's always going to be a facilitator who

30:25

could be one of the adult guides or another

30:28

student and they , they sit

30:30

at the table and they have the process and

30:32

the facilitator , one of them gets to express

30:34

you know , I felt

30:37

this way when you , you know , and they explain

30:39

themselves in this , you know it's

30:41

not heated , they all know the rules

30:44

and it's incredible that young kids

30:46

will do this . And

30:48

then the other one gets to speak and

30:51

restate what the first person said

30:53

, and then the facilitator

30:55

says did that accurately portray

30:58

what you're trying to say ? And they can agree or say

31:00

no , actually , and kind of give more detail

31:02

. And then the other person gets to talk about

31:05

how they felt and it goes back and

31:07

then all of a sudden , just by being able to feel heard

31:09

, in almost every case it's resolved

31:12

, is they understand each other and

31:14

sometimes they come up with an agreement to resolution . Well

31:16

, I didn't know that they did this at the school

31:18

until my daughter comes home and and

31:21

she comes out of the pantry She'd pulled

31:23

her older brother in the pantry with her and they

31:25

come out and they're kind of smiling together and

31:27

I'm like what's going on ? She's like , oh , I just

31:29

took Max in there and we had a peace talk . And I'm like

31:31

, well , what ? And

31:34

she explained . She's like , oh well , we do this at school and

31:39

she brought it home and

31:44

now that's been part of or available to us as a family discussion is to have this

31:46

type of conflict resolution or discussion where

31:48

we kind of know , hey , if

31:50

we say the words peace , talk or something , then

31:53

all of a sudden everybody knows . All

31:55

right , we are trying to gain understanding with each other

31:57

while we're speaking rather than argue

32:00

with each other . And my

32:02

daughter it's incredible with

32:05

all of them how they respond to

32:08

our conversations now because

32:10

they've learned that skill and I've

32:12

just prayed every day that the

32:14

point's going to come where my kids won't listen to me

32:16

but then they're going to listen to some adult that would

32:18

say something I'd want them to hear , and

32:21

this is one of those things and they've brought it home and

32:23

it's really impactful to the house

32:25

.

32:26

My kids will say dad needs the peace talk he

32:28

needs to not just say do

32:31

the way I say to do it .

32:32

Yeah , and you know what ? That's the truth

32:35

. And she pushes back on us . I

32:44

mean , well , they all do , um , but if we can get ourselves into the space where , where we're listening

32:46

, where they're feeling like they're heard , they

32:48

, they often feel comfortable and they'll challenge

32:50

us with that

32:52

. And , and a lot of times we've said , yeah

32:54

, you know , you're right , um , you

32:57

know , and we , we messed up there , we , we could

32:59

have done that differently . And

33:01

, and every time

33:03

I do it , I'm kind of looking at my wife . I'm like , look , how amazing

33:06

this is . We're being proven

33:08

wrong and we're excited about

33:10

it .

33:11

You know that is pretty cool . Yeah

33:14

, that is pretty cool . So

33:17

you guys have

33:19

had some pretty cool moments of connection

33:22

in your house that you've shared with us , like

33:24

through this . It's kind of a variation on the talking

33:26

pillow . Do you ever do

33:29

that ? It's like you can't talk unless you're

33:31

holding the pillow . Oh yeah , yeah , I

33:34

think that made a famous

33:38

appearance on Breaking Bad Made

33:42

the talking pillow famous . Talk

33:44

to us about some of the other things that you've done

33:46

to connect with your kids . This is

33:48

kind of like the magic question , like what

33:51

can our listeners do try

33:53

in their homes ? It's worked in the

33:55

Sparks house .

33:57

You know something that's meaningful to me . Well

33:59

, I'll tell a story . I might have told you this

34:01

story , kirk . Um , when

34:03

I was in fifth grade you know I'm

34:05

one of eight kids . I'll

34:11

get to the question . You asked Kirk . I promise Okay , um , but when you're one of

34:13

eight kids , I'll get to the question . You asked kirk . I promise okay , um , but

34:15

when you're one of eight , my mom and dad , my dad's working

34:17

all the time , and my and he was always present . We always did cool

34:19

stuff together . You know , we're going camping , we're

34:21

going to lake powell , we're going . So we always had

34:23

cool experiences together . That I that I remember

34:26

and that plays into this . Um

34:28

, when I was in fifth grade , my fifth grade teacher

34:30

would guide um American

34:33

history tours through , you

34:35

know , back East in the summer as

34:37

like a side job , and

34:40

so he would invite us fifth grade class , cause we studied

34:42

, you know us , history during fifth grade

34:44

and and I said , mom , can I go on this

34:46

thing ? You know , it's like two weeks

34:48

long , you know through

34:50

through the East coast . And she's like , yeah , I think that'd be

34:52

awesome . And this is one of the benefits of being on the

34:55

younger end of the family , because none of the older

34:57

kids grew up in a family that had any

34:59

money . And then the younger kids got spoiled and I'm one

35:01

of them and but that's what was my life

35:03

? I'm I'm't

35:07

realize until years later . That

35:09

was the only time in my whole life I had

35:11

my mom to myself , ever

35:13

. But I

35:16

never forget that experience . I remember

35:18

going to these wonderful

35:20

places all over American

35:23

history sites and so on , but what was the

35:25

most impactful was the connection with my mom . I

35:28

had her , just me and

35:30

her , and I remember just being like on her

35:32

hip the whole time , never embarrassed

35:34

, holding her hand , hugging her for

35:37

like two weeks straight as

35:39

a , as a fifth grader . Um

35:41

, and then we came home and

35:43

years later I thought , wow , that was

35:45

really cool . And my wife and I got married and I said you

35:48

know , it'd be awesome is if , when we

35:50

have kids , that once they get

35:52

to about that age , 12 years old , I take

35:54

them on a trip wherever they want to go , just

35:57

the two of us . Because

35:59

I had that experience when I was younger and

36:01

I believe if , if I explain

36:04

, you know what my most important core

36:06

values are at the very top

36:08

I mean gratitude you'd be , you know , shocked

36:10

to hear if that wasn't one of them . So it's definitely gratitudes

36:12

up there . But . But meaningful connection

36:15

is probably the top

36:17

and I'm

36:19

a . I'm a feeler Like I just love

36:21

connecting with

36:24

someone . If you get me in a room with a bunch of people

36:26

, I don't connect , I keep my mouth shut . But

36:28

if I'm one on one , I'm like

36:31

I want to connect

36:33

deep . And

36:35

you know , and I love it when

36:37

people lean into that and can

36:39

make deep connections . But I

36:42

believe that meaningful

36:45

connections are built through shared experiences

36:47

. It's

36:50

not built by talking about it , it's built

36:52

by sharing an experience together , and

36:54

sometimes the deepest connection can happen

36:56

from even a short experience . Sometimes

36:59

it's a longer experience , but to me

37:01

it's experiences , and so our family motto has

37:03

been experiences , not things , and

37:06

so years ago we so

37:09

I've done that with my kids . You know , when they turned 12

37:11

, we take them on a trip . When my son turned 12 , he

37:13

said for years , like four years , I want to go to the

37:15

U S open tennis tournament in in New

37:17

York , and so I took max to that . Um and

37:19

it was so fun and I ran him ragged all

37:21

over New York and stuff and lots

37:23

of tennis and it's my favorite cause , I love tennis

37:26

so much . Um , my daughter wanted to go

37:28

to Japan and so I took her to Japan

37:30

. Um , and we had a week together all

37:32

over Japan which was so much fun . And

37:34

then I've got a younger one that that hasn't had her

37:36

turn yet . Um , but something

37:39

else we did as a family to

37:41

create those experiences . What we want is memories

37:43

that we'll be able to hang on forever

37:45

. I think about as a child I

37:48

don't remember the day to day . I

37:50

mean a lot of that personality and lessons

37:52

. You know that's ingrained just from repetition

37:54

and being raised by my parents . But

37:57

I can vividly . I could . If

37:59

I could paint , I could paint a picture of

38:02

1978

38:04

or , you know , I'm two years old , in

38:07

visiting Seattle Northwest , visiting

38:09

some cousins or traveling , you know

38:11

, in the motor home out to . You

38:13

know old , you know LDS church

38:16

history sites and I'm two

38:18

years old , 18 months old , and I remember

38:21

, I remember it . I

38:23

remember Lake Powell

38:25

sitting on a surfboard , being pulled behind the boat

38:27

with my dad when I'm in 1978

38:30

, because we did things

38:32

together . I remember

38:34

those vividly but I don't remember the day

38:36

to day . And so he said well , how

38:38

about we create those experiences instead

38:41

? And so we quit doing Christmas . We

38:44

said , instead of having Christmas and opening presents because

38:46

they will love and it's so much fun

38:48

. I admit I love Christmas

38:51

morning , but Christmas morning

38:53

ends and

38:55

I don't remember other than

38:57

a handful of times what gifts I got for Christmas , but

39:00

I remember the experience that I

39:02

had with somebody . So we quit doing

39:05

Christmas morning . We said let's have an experience together

39:07

instead . And so we'll travel somewhere . And

39:10

they'll always remember that

39:12

road trip in Northern California and Yosemite

39:14

and Redwoods for Christmas

39:16

and I'll always remember that

39:19

trip we took together . So

39:22

so that's what we do to hopefully

39:24

our intent is to build those connections and

39:26

memories .

39:29

It's a good one . That's a good one . We stopped doing

39:31

Christmas too , like years ago

39:33

, and I think it was it was

39:35

before we started the podcast , cause we've been doing

39:37

it for like eight or nine years , but I think it was one of

39:39

the conversations that we had and

39:42

somebody said , yeah , we , we

39:45

stopped . They asked me the question what did

39:47

you get for Christmas , like

39:49

two years ago ? And I couldn't

39:51

remember . And I went home and asked my kids and they couldn't

39:54

remember and I'm like why do we do it ? You

39:57

know what are we doing this for

39:59

anyway ? So our kids know that

40:01

we get a . They get like

40:03

some basics . They get like a couple of like

40:06

some school clothes mid year and

40:08

then they open something . That's

40:10

our family trip that we go

40:12

on in June

40:15

or April , during spring break

40:17

. So that's been a fun tradition . I like that

40:19

one . That one's been a game changer for us

40:21

too .

40:22

I think it's super smart . I've got my first

40:25

leaving in June

40:27

. Humbling

40:29

experience as a parent to

40:32

see the impact

40:34

you're having is

40:37

over in a lot of ways meaning

40:45

yes , we'll still have experiences and they'll probably be even more important

40:47

to us now . But it makes you reflect and say did I do

40:49

enough ? Did I have enough experience time

40:51

? Did I bond enough ? You know , and

40:53

the answer is probably always no . But

40:56

um , I think if you're doing it on purpose

40:58

, that's huge . I think Doug Wren was the

41:00

first one who talked about um

41:03

, I can't remember what it was called . It's

41:05

called moonwalking with Einstein .

41:07

Yes .

41:07

Moonwalking with Einstein , and it was

41:09

this book about if you can create

41:12

these bookmarks or these

41:14

major moments in time like you were talking

41:16

about . I remember this but I don't remember the day

41:18

to day . The book kind of talks about how

41:20

you can extend your life , so

41:23

someone could just only have day to day

41:25

experiences and live

41:27

90 years , but

41:30

the same person could have bookmarks they've

41:32

created with these experience and it's like living

41:35

a double the length of life because

41:37

the memories in there are double the length . I

41:40

thought that was a cool way of explaining this

41:42

idea of experiences .

41:45

Yeah , I love it so much and I think you're

41:47

right that if the

41:49

question's always going to be , the answer is always going

41:51

to be no , that like did I do enough

41:53

? And I'll give my own dad

41:56

as an example for that man . He

41:58

did try his

42:00

best and I think he raised

42:03

us well , and

42:09

still , I'll talk to him now and he'll say , yeah

42:12

, I don't think I did that right , and he acknowledges that

42:15

to me now . Did

42:17

that right , you know , and I'm , and he acknowledges that to me now . And

42:19

and but I I also don't think that he did it necessarily

42:22

wrong because he was trying his best . Yeah , what do you know ? What to do ?

42:24

you know , on the flip side of that too , I've

42:26

been starting to do that with my own

42:29

parents because they're

42:31

healthy and you , you know

42:33

somewhat young , but

42:37

we're not going to be young forever . Rob will

42:39

appreciate the somewhat young .

42:41

Yeah , they're in their seventies

42:43

.

42:43

Right and early seventies and

42:45

and in great health and can travel

42:47

and do anything they want to do pretty much . But

42:50

the clock's ticking right . It is what

42:52

it is . We're all going to somewhere in between

42:54

70 and 110,

42:57

. It's going to end , right , and

43:00

I'm trying to get those exact same things with them

43:02

now , right ? In fact , when

43:05

we started the podcast , my dad walked

43:07

in , if you guys remember , and I

43:09

was saying hey , what ? Look at the email

43:11

I just sent you . And

43:14

you guys don't know what that email about , but it was

43:16

about going to Ireland to play

43:18

golf in the spring

43:20

of 25 . And

43:22

the whole point of that is how do I get

43:24

that experience with my dad and

43:26

then how do I ? start tying the generations

43:28

together . To get my kids to go on some of those

43:30

experiences , right ? Big

43:33

tennis fan also . Same

43:35

thing . I took my little boy to

43:37

Wimbledon last year . It was

43:39

epic , but I invited my mom

43:41

, Just her

43:43

, not my dad , because my dad does a bunch of stuff

43:46

with us in the golf world

43:48

, right , and it was creating those . That's

43:50

huge , those moments , and

43:52

I think it's on both sides of the generational

43:54

thing . My

43:56

wife this morning said I think I want to take

43:59

my mom to New York . Hopefully

44:01

she's not listening to this podcast . It's supposed to be a

44:03

surprise .

44:06

You better tell me if you want me to edit that out .

44:09

Same thing , though she's thinking well , how much time am I going

44:11

to have with my mom ? I want to take her to New York , just me

44:13

and her . So we took . We think about our kids

44:15

often . I'm just telling the listeners maybe

44:17

think about your parents too . That's just as important

44:20

.

44:20

And I think there's like this fallacy to that and

44:22

cause you and I are in the exact same position , like

44:36

my daughter's talking about moving out and all through my head there's are going through

44:38

yours , and I think there's a fallacy that we're going to look back in like 25 or 30

44:40

years at the age we are now and go , man , you thought you were done . You're

44:43

not even anywhere close to being done , because

44:46

how much influence do your mom and dad have

44:48

on your life ? Still , totally Right

44:50

. So I think we're looking through it , through

44:53

a little bit of a distorted glass that

44:55

we are now we , there's

44:57

a stage of life and the influence

44:59

, the type of influence , will change , but

45:02

it will not go away . So

45:05

, randy

45:08

, we always ask everybody

45:10

at the end of the podcast what they think it means to be a

45:12

gentleman , and you know this . Would you like to answer that

45:14

question today ? We always ask everybody at the end of the podcast what they think it means to be a gentleman , and you know this . Would

45:16

you like to answer that ?

45:17

question today . Yes , and I'm thinking

45:19

about two things . I

45:24

think a gentleman values deep

45:26

connection . I think that's one of the fundamental

45:28

things that's important in my life at least , and

45:32

I think , if I am living

45:34

my best , I'm

45:40

connecting with people , really

45:44

deeply connecting , and I think

45:46

that a gentleman gives grace and

45:50

reconciliation to

45:56

others and

45:58

seeks that .

46:00

For himself too .

46:01

Yeah .

46:02

Knows how to say and accept

46:04

and I'm sorry , I

46:06

love it .

46:07

Yeah , Acknowledge when

46:11

you're wrong .

46:12

and and yeah , and seek

46:14

, seek resolution and and of course

46:16

, they're grateful you

46:20

got to throw that one in because I think that I

46:22

mean , I don't know that you can be a gentleman and not be grateful

46:24

. I'm just saying that , like

46:26

I think it's one of . Uh , I I

46:30

have heard it said I can't remember who

46:32

said it but one

46:36

of the greatest sins in life is

46:38

the sin of not being

46:40

grateful .

46:43

Yep , and Cicero said something . Now I'm

46:45

going to get it wrong because I'm nervous on the podcast

46:47

, but that you know , gratitude is , is

46:50

not only the greatest of virtues , it's the mother

46:52

of all other virtues . Yeah , and

46:55

I think it's just the foundation upon

46:57

which the rest stand . And

46:59

you know , obviously with the

47:01

theme of my podcast , I'll go with that . I

47:04

love it . And , guys , gratitude

47:06

is free , it's free . So

47:10

give yourself a gift , find

47:12

gratitude .

47:15

Thanks , randy . Now

47:17

you've listened to this podcast . Now switch

47:20

over to Sparks of Gratitude and

47:22

listen to some of what give

47:25

the listeners . Your favorite episode so

47:27

far ? Which one would you ?

47:28

say go listen to Probably the one with Kirk

47:31

Chug .

47:32

Wow , that sounded like a planet question . I was

47:34

not even . I was not even remembering . Um

47:37

, besides Kirk Chug's episode , who would you

47:39

go listen to ?

47:40

I'll tell you who . Who some of the most recent was

47:42

. I had Steven Nyman on recently who was a world

47:44

cup um downhill ski

47:47

racer . That was a fun story and I grew

47:49

up with him as a kid and um

47:56

, he's got a lot of great stories to tell of . You know how challenging

47:59

the it is to to be a professional ski racer I've

48:01

had there . I I heard jerry seinfeld get asked once

48:03

you know which was his favorite episode of seinfeld

48:05

and he's like but they're all my babies , you know .

48:08

So I think that's a very hard question . I

48:10

think someone asked you on there ?

48:11

what would you say ?

48:13

um , don't answer that , the one with Corey Moore .

48:18

Because they're all my babies . Corey's

48:20

been on every one of them . Corey's been

48:22

on more than I have , because you did a solo one one

48:25

time . I won , I won , I won . So

48:27

, randy , thanks for joining us

48:29

. That was an awesome conversation and I'm glad we

48:31

had it . Thanks so much for who

48:34

you are and your example

48:36

in connecting with people . You can

48:38

all learn from that and be better at that .

48:41

Appreciate you both .

48:42

Yeah , we appreciate you too , Randy . If you liked

48:44

the podcast today , please like and subscribe to

48:46

the podcast . Do the normal stuff Drop

48:48

us a rating and a review . That really helps people

48:50

find us that haven't found us yet . You

48:53

wouldn't listen to a podcast with no ratings . So

48:56

if you want to do something for Corey

48:58

and me , go drop us a rating

49:00

on Apple um and and

49:02

share the podcast with somebody that you love . If

49:04

somebody's name popped into your head that

49:07

you thought would benefit from Randy's message

49:09

today , hit the share button

49:11

and share this podcast episode with them and just

49:13

tell them that you're thinking about them . Thanks for

49:15

joining us today . I'm Kirk Chug and I'm Corey

49:17

Moore .

49:18

Thanks everybody .