0:00

Since Johnny last appeared on the show we have inundated

0:02

with requests to get him back involved and with Tins

0:04

sunning himself in Australia. Don't read that part, that's like

0:06

the script! Just read your line, which is the warm-up.

0:09

Unique New York. You see in the

0:11

show. A tarantula enjoys a fine chewing

0:14

gum. Alex, hello Dream Team. You're

0:16

reading the wrong part! And welcome along

0:18

to the good, bad and the rub-bein

0:20

partnership with our good friends, Continental Tires.

0:22

Yeah, right on cue. Johnny just do

0:24

the fucking warm-ups. Because your voice will

0:26

seize up again. The arsonist says oddly

0:28

shaped feet. Is an

0:30

arsonist somebody obsessed with fire? Yes. Christ.

0:33

How now, brown cow. How now, brown

0:35

cow. Are you going

0:37

to be okay? I hope so. I am nervous because

0:39

I don't want my voice to pack in. But we've

0:41

got, for those who can't see. Yeah, I've died on

0:43

those. I've global-drode them. What's a global-drode? That's the service

0:46

that we have to use before we take any

0:48

medicine, vitamin or anything like that. Oh, for anti-doping.

0:51

So you put a whole soother in your anti-doping.

0:53

Tramadol is now banned in competition as of the

0:55

1st of January. That's a bit of an extension

0:57

from a whole soother. That's pretty punchy and compact.

0:59

Yeah. But we add that to the talk. Are

1:01

you taking tramadol today to get through this? No

1:03

way. No way. I have. Okay,

1:07

so whole soothers you like. Global-dro says

1:09

whole soothers are not prohibited. Not prohibited.

1:11

Excellent. You've got some Haribo they prohibited?

1:13

I'd rather not eat those. Why is

1:15

that, Rig? Yeah, there's too many sugars. It's putting

1:17

water in the petrol tank. Or we've

1:19

got some Oreo ice cream in case your vocal cords...

1:21

That's been there a while now. It's probably melted. Oh,

1:23

so you're turning your nose up against... I'm

1:26

hoping to be all right. Okay, but we

1:28

were hoping you would be all right last time. Yeah.

1:30

Someone planted a small seed that you were going to

1:32

be unable to speak and over 30 minutes you completely

1:34

lost your voice, had a breakdown and then your prostate

1:36

seems to have swallowed up the size of watermelon. Yeah,

1:39

I need to get that checked. I've got a pile. Oh,

1:43

what? What was it called? What's his name? Jeff? No, I don't get

1:45

a name. How do you know? Have you seen it? Yeah, it pops

1:47

out from time to time. Does it? Yeah. Oh,

1:49

my God. I'm putting this screw that's going in the bin. Yeah,

1:51

do you pop it back in again? I've shown the lads it.

1:53

Well, a pile? What's his name? Hasn't got a name, but it

1:55

looks like... Well, he needs a name. If it's going to pop

1:58

in and out, do you charge it... I

2:00

mean it's technically living in your body. It's basically a hernia.

2:02

It comes out when I'm stressed or fatigued Can

2:05

I go home? No, right. Okay,

2:07

so your voice is fine. But your anus

2:10

right now is fine. It's weakened My

2:12

voice my voice is at risk right, but

2:14

your drug testing is covered. The drug test

2:16

is covered Talk about these socks you got

2:19

on. Why are you wearing the socks? They're

2:21

not English socks. They're chimera socks, which

2:23

is recovery gear Played

2:25

yesterday. They're cast socks for compression

2:28

recovery, but there's infrared technology embedded

2:30

in the in the fabric which

2:33

increases blood flow You should

2:35

probably get some infrared pants. See if you

2:37

pop the thing but it needs it doesn't

2:39

need stimulation It needs right probably ice. I

2:41

can't hold on to this show for very

2:43

much longer Into

2:50

the final moment Alex Payne trying to

2:53

keep this side going forward Haskell takes

2:55

it on now It's just relentless chat

2:57

largely about himself and there's Tyndall start

2:59

the finishing touch of glamour and World

3:02

Cup winning stories And a slightly sideways

3:04

nose. That is how your podcast a

3:06

dominant display by the goods the bad

3:08

and the rugby Hello

3:12

everybody and welcome along to this week's episode of good

3:14

the bad and the rugby in partnership with our very

3:16

good friends at continental Ties, I'm not sure the previous

3:18

content was exactly what was in the deck when they

3:20

signed up to be our title sponsor What

3:22

they've got at the start of this week's show we

3:25

have lives and jazz we've got an assortment of Survival

3:29

vision here. We've got sweets and ice

3:31

cream and whole soothers because

3:33

it's a great pleasure to welcome back

3:35

John May for the return which is a

3:38

little bit like John Wick, but with a

3:40

bit more coughing as buttery Yeah, yeah,

3:42

that's sort of having to have a lie down movie

3:44

screen character How are you?

3:46

I'm good. I feel embarrassed a little bit to look at

3:48

the camera. I'm I

3:52

just get a bit nervous. We

3:54

are so excited. Yeah, I'm cautious

3:56

because the sequel is never as good as

3:58

the first hit out This can

4:00

only go in one direction. Are we allowed

4:02

to say that we've done a five show deal? Yeah.

4:04

We haven't put pen to paper but that's what we're hoping

4:07

for, isn't it? Now I'm here for five in total. Four

4:10

from this one on? Onwards from this one on before.

4:12

So we're very excited that you are now part of

4:14

the furniture. Do you feel you've assumed the throne? Yeah,

4:17

I would rather it was that in that seat because it went well when I was

4:19

in that seat and now Tins isn't here. See, it's got nothing to do with it.

4:22

Superposition. You get better when you sit in

4:24

that seat. Do you believe in the butterfly sex? You get a

4:26

princess. No, you don't. You get a princess. You get a car

4:28

for sitting in that seat. You get a butterfly's wing halfway across

4:30

the world and cause a tornado somewhere around there. No, no. I'm

4:32

all over that. Yeah. But that's just life

4:35

decisions, isn't it? If you turn left onto the tube as opposed to

4:37

right on the chair. I mean, Tins is going to be a little

4:39

bit upset that you've got a hemorrhoid on his seat. I imagine that...

4:42

No. Let's talk about a butterfly's

4:44

wing. Your fucking pile staining up with

4:46

executives rowing. When you say to

4:48

Tins, oh by the way we saw Johnny's pile, I'd be like, I

4:50

didn't know he had a big country house to me. He's

4:53

not for sure. No, no, no.

4:56

The one that seeps through your canvas seat. It's

4:58

fine at the moment. Some

5:00

reflections and reaction to our first

5:02

show with Johnny May. Five stars.

5:05

Said Lawrence Sander. Best episode

5:07

ever. Even. Long time

5:09

listener, first time commenter. Thank you for creating such

5:11

a safe and still fun space for a fellow

5:13

neurodivergent chicken. The respect you have for

5:16

Johnny May is evident. I think it was your best

5:18

show yet. Although it was chaos and wouldn't have worked

5:20

with other guests, it did so well with Johnny. What

5:22

a character. He must have been so much fun and

5:24

such an inspirational person to play alongside. Thank you for

5:26

all you have done for England Rugby. Great show as

5:28

well. That's very kind. Thank you Sander. Give us a

5:30

little flavour of the feedback

5:32

to show one because we have been inundated. Please

5:34

make Johnny a permanent part of the team. He's pure gold. One

5:36

of the best episodes yet. Great character and great insights. Nice to

5:39

hear the team made the joke and the media attacked and used

5:41

them as fuel. Please bring Johnny back for another episode. How was

5:43

this one? Wow, just wow. Wow,

5:45

just wow. Wow, just wow. For

5:47

me this is the best episode yet by quite some

5:49

distance. Pure cares with absolute gold. Bring

5:52

Johnny back. This has kept me gripped

5:54

the whole episode. Absolute chaos. Imagine Johnny and Marla both

5:56

in the show at the same time. Marla just to

5:58

come on. Does he? Yeah.

6:02

I'm not sure I can handle that. I could just

6:04

about do one at a time. He wouldn't fit on

6:06

that sofa with you. No. Well, I could move up.

6:08

We're right. Where would tins go? Let's make it happen.

6:10

We don't need tins. They'll be down in Australia. No,

6:12

we don't need them. No, we don't need them. Well,

6:14

we don't need them. We don't need them. My god,

6:16

rugby needs to let personalities be free and the sport

6:18

will grow. I've watched Johnny casually as a Welshman for

6:20

15 years. I did not know he was sitting on

6:22

this fantastic personality. I love it, Johnny. Give

6:24

us... No, that's all very, very kind.

6:27

Thank you very much for everybody who's given

6:29

positive feedback. Did you enjoy it? Very nice. No, I

6:31

did enjoy it. It was a good laugh. Like, it's

6:33

quite a nice life. You get on a train, first

6:36

class. Thank you. That's right. It's nice. What's

6:39

the station called that I've... Paddington?

6:42

Yes, Paddington. Paddington. Prap. I like

6:44

Prat. And a taxi to the thing.

6:46

It's just a nice day. It's different to like a

6:49

gym and a... A recovery and a schoolroom.

6:51

And then a contact session and a rain. Hopefully a pile

6:53

back in and put your recovery pants on. So, no, it's

6:55

a different type of day for me, but I did enjoy

6:57

it. And thank you for all the

7:00

positive feedback. Even my father-in-law enjoyed it.

7:02

Can I give him a shout out? Please do. This is

7:04

your turn, Johnny. Andrew. I

7:07

know you're not my biggest fan, but... Trump,

7:10

you're one up on someone else. Yeah. I'm

7:12

really pleased that you enjoyed the episode. I

7:14

actually gave him the black-eyed gin. Did

7:18

you enjoy the tipple? Yeah.

7:20

Why was he not your biggest fan? There's a few things I've done.

7:23

Like what? The latest one

7:25

is I don't wear trousers. Right. And

7:27

what would you mean? No, not because of the pile. I'm like... On

7:30

a Sunday dinner. It's news to me as of

7:32

recently, but I should wear a pair of trousers

7:34

to dinner. Hold on. You're wearing pants. I'm

7:37

wearing shorts or a tracksuit bun. Oh, fine.

7:39

Right. Okay. The other ones were... I think

7:41

that's... I think he's got a point. Yeah.

7:43

Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. I think Sunday

7:45

lunch in... If you've been invited over today

7:47

as a Sunday lunch, you know, turning out in just a pair

7:49

of shorts. Well, what kind of shorts are we talking about? Just

7:51

my basketball shorts. Yeah, that's not... That's

7:53

not what we... I probably say you have to wear

7:55

a scarf. It's just me, isn't it? I'm normally in

7:58

my Birkin stocks and my tracksuit bottoms up. Anyway,

8:00

I did make the effort to put some trousers on over

8:02

Christmas, but then I had diarrhea, so I had to lie

8:04

in bed for two days. Oh my God, oh my God.

8:06

You and your bowels, like... Did we get any... did we

8:08

get any for that, for Johnny? Is the chemist... I need

8:11

a bucket. We need a bucket. Go with the drawer. What

8:13

else? I stacked the straw wrong. The

8:15

straw? Yeah, so their main... their main yield

8:17

crop, their speciality is the satching straw. Not

8:20

many people do that still. They're farmers then.

8:22

Yeah. So then, like, basically,

8:24

manually, you've got to stack the straw, and he

8:26

showed me how to do it, and I thought

8:28

I could do it differently, and all my work

8:30

fell down, so that had to be re-stacked. Fucking

8:33

imagine, when I come over Christmas, you shat everywhere, had to

8:35

lie in bed, and these fucked up your straws, your biggest

8:37

turn, and then... Did you turn up with a pair of

8:39

fucking bars? I think there's another couple of things. Well, oh,

8:42

we had the wedding at their field. But anyway, I don't

8:44

drink very often, but I got drunk at my

8:46

wedding, and I pissed in the pond, and they're

8:48

convinced it killed all the fish. Yeah, I... Does

8:50

that kill fish? Yeah, all them supplements you've taken,

8:52

all that stuff. The fish died. I

8:55

rode the quad bike on the garden. And

8:57

there's been a few things, but... They're one that hates

8:59

you. Why does he love you, though? Yeah. No, he

9:02

loves the podcast, sat there, watched it all, enjoyed it,

9:04

and he's got a bottle of black-eyed gin. Do you

9:06

think we have helped him understand you better? Maybe it's

9:08

a step in the right direction. I hope so. I

9:10

just want to just pick up with one point here,

9:13

the bit where it said... The

9:15

part about the inspirational person bit, I'm

9:18

going to just put my hand up and say, I loved playing

9:20

with you, and, like, you were a top man. I

9:22

never thought you were inspirational. I thought you were a

9:24

fucking lunatic. That's fun. That... You

9:26

were quite comfortable with that as a kind of top-down.

9:28

Whatever, yeah. We've all... With any team,

9:31

you need different ingredients, don't you?

9:33

And then, like, the ultimate team aligns the

9:35

ingredients correctly, and you get the best output.

9:38

But there's no recipe for the best team, because

9:40

if you had a recipe, everybody would be able

9:42

to create the best team. Yeah. I saw a

9:44

very interesting clip online this week, actually, which was

9:46

Stuart Broad talking about Bazbawl. Yeah.

9:49

And he said, with Bazbawl, everything

9:51

that Brendan McCollum and Ben

9:53

Stokes wanted from the team was just positivity. You

9:56

had to be positive when you entered the team

9:58

room. Stuart Broad said, my... natural inclination

10:00

is to walk in and moan because that's what I

10:02

do. But he had to condition himself to get into

10:04

the mindset that when he walked into the team room

10:06

he would start with a, God wasn't the coffee good

10:08

at the hotel today or whatever it was? And he'd

10:11

just try and throw in lines which means you come

10:13

in with a bit of sunshine and you're trying to

10:15

inspire those around you. And from there,

10:17

Bazball obviously goes on. Is

10:19

there anyone in this England set up who provides that or

10:21

is it just 23, 30, 34, Sappuccinos who just do

10:27

a huge job? I think the British court, I

10:29

think there's negative which is negative and there's negative

10:31

that is positive. We can laugh about things and

10:33

take a joke out of things, that's a net

10:36

positive. But if we're going to talk, oh the

10:38

coach is crap in the way of it, that's

10:40

negative, negative. So you've got positive, you've got negative

10:44

positive and negative negative. Give me

10:46

a percentage of this in the

10:48

squad, pure positivity. No,

10:51

there is a few. There are people who

10:53

love life in camp, i.e. Bernal, Jamie George,

10:55

Elliott and Danny Care for instance.

10:57

They are full of beans like life's

11:00

their oyster. Is that the word? We'll

11:02

go with it. The world's their oyster,

11:04

whatever that means. They're up for golf,

11:07

they're having dinner, they're loving it. There

11:09

are very positive people, there are some

11:14

negative positive people and

11:16

then there probably are some grumpy by

11:18

nature people. That probably depends on the

11:20

whole. On the whole, yeah on the whole

11:22

it's a really good group. Where are you? I like

11:26

to try and be positive and then also make a

11:28

joke out of some of the negatives. So, net, I'd

11:30

love to think I'm positive. Right,

11:33

Hask? He's a negative

11:35

positive. I don't know about that. Like net is

11:37

a positive. I'll sit down and

11:39

you just see like, Johnny

11:41

wandering, aiming around with like one flip flop,

11:43

one boot, missing a

11:46

hat. Alright Johnny, does anyone see my

11:48

trousers? Right lads, just an announcement, have

11:51

you ever turned my bed over and covered it in water?

11:53

That's like the 8th time today. I used to sit back

11:55

and go, I can't help you. I don't want to get

11:57

involved. Yeah, I don't want to get involved, but you know

11:59

my life. like what isn't as bad as that and

12:01

then I just carry on so yeah quite enjoy and

12:03

also you would you would take the piss out of

12:05

everything but he did that presentation didn't you after the

12:07

2015 which went down interestingly

12:09

yeah well it went down unbelievably well but part

12:11

of the people that so I did a presentation

12:14

2015 they were like Andy Farrell

12:16

said could you do like some

12:18

awards you know to

12:20

hand out like bottles of wine for people

12:22

and and I went well what

12:24

do you mean you know can I just be

12:26

mean he went yeah absolutely be and it was

12:28

things like a hand that guy called Matt Parker

12:30

who was lovely guy but he you know he

12:33

came up with all these figures and stuff and when we

12:35

first talked this tall and it was like you know we're

12:37

gonna train at 125% of our maximum

12:40

and by the time we get to World Cup we're gonna

12:42

be pinging and we you know we did 8,000 quatrons

12:45

better than the 2,000 done before and

12:47

I want that flames and charts just utter

12:49

bollocks right and then I did

12:52

a presentation also got knocked out and I and I

12:54

basically went look Matt with all those figures it's gonna

12:56

lead to one place one place only and I'd superimpose

12:58

his face on the job center it

13:00

was really funny but just like 12 months too

13:02

soon yeah really it

13:04

was negative positive but

13:07

just probably it was it was fragile do you

13:09

know I do want to get into you with Johnny is that one

13:11

of the really interesting things that fell out of our first show was

13:14

actually how inspirational you are that's kind

13:16

is kind fellas love

13:18

the show my 15 year old son is on a

13:21

spectrum he plays school and club rugby but ready watches

13:23

rugby on TV we listen to a latest show together

13:25

and how old would laughter enjoy it's the best rugby

13:27

podcast I've ever listened to unscripted hilarious and hugely engaging

13:29

so it's called back patting head is mainly for you

13:32

rather than us but we get a lot of crap

13:34

normally a safe space where Johnny could just be

13:36

Johnny you guys got the bandit but

13:39

just perfect as I said my son was

13:41

roaring with our therapy session so easy relates so

13:43

easy to Johnny stories his anxiety and life

13:45

experiences well done but we always always got a

13:47

hug you mean you're safe space yeah because

13:54

you were quite interesting I show although very

13:57

fleetingly but you said I've never ever put myself out there

13:59

because I never really No, I wouldn't have wanted to.

14:01

I think like, I don't know,

14:03

it's partly, it is partly

14:06

how we're trained media. Yeah. Don't

14:08

say anything that can come back to get you or

14:11

always make it about the team. You've parked that in the last

14:13

half an hour for sure. Pardon? You've parked that in the last

14:15

half an hour. Yeah, for now I have because I don't need

14:17

to be worried about that anymore. But no, when you're preparing for

14:20

a test match, let's say

14:22

you're playing Wales or something in the week, the typical

14:24

question would be like, is there any revenge or do

14:26

you hate them as much as you hate us? And

14:29

I think it like you just wouldn't want to

14:31

be on the back page that like, of course,

14:33

when we go to the Millennium or whatever, all

14:35

their fans are flicking their fingers at you and

14:37

yeah, we want to get them. You

14:39

say something like that and all you are is just more

14:41

attention on the back page and like, why

14:43

would you? Why are the players so worried

14:45

about that? Well, maybe the next generation has

14:47

probably grown up with it more and they're

14:49

more comfortable doing that. And hopefully we will

14:51

see more personalities come out. But certainly the

14:53

stress of getting through the week with people

14:55

nicking my sandals and

14:58

then having to play a test match at the

15:00

end of the week. Like I

15:03

was on the edge. Like if I forgot my gum field, that was

15:05

enough to tip me over the edge, let alone being

15:08

on the back page of a paper. I get to

15:10

stop running when you like got into the tri zone.

15:13

This Casio, I actually started the

15:16

we played New Zealand in the autumn. We got about 20

15:18

minutes in and I was like, oh shit, I'm still wearing

15:20

my Casio. I was like, well, what the fuck do I do

15:22

with it? I can't just throw it on. I put

15:24

it in my sock because like the way it

15:26

works is like you give the physio or the

15:28

water man the watch. Eddie's like, what's

15:30

going on, mate? And they Johnny Johnny's just giving me

15:32

it. He would Eddie would have been like, well, get

15:35

what? Where's his head at? Like I was worried for

15:37

Eddie would think that I started and play 20 minutes

15:39

of a test match with the Casio on. So

15:42

I just touched it in my sock and didn't tell anybody. I put it

15:44

in my bag at halftime. Right. Is that you

15:46

refer to the Casio's just a watch work, but it's

15:48

like a brand name. No, no, there's no

15:51

there's no there's no. He's one of the people. No sponsorship here. It's just

15:53

a good watch. Why did you leave it on? You

15:55

can't. It's probably going to cut somebody or get

15:57

me in trouble or anything. But anyway, yeah, basically

15:59

is. I wouldn't want it

16:01

to have put myself out there because I didn't

16:03

want to be talked about or be any like

16:06

good or bad or Anything just it's just stress

16:08

isn't it? Yeah If

16:10

that makes sense, yeah, you don't I'd after

16:12

lost after last show What was your

16:15

the further you got away from the building what

16:17

level of anxiety what you'd feared you'd said? Got

16:20

into your head. Yeah, that was that's why George is

16:22

here today because wonderful beautiful George you can't see He's

16:25

not Johnny's basically no got a carer We're

16:27

not paying for it to be here but out of his

16:30

own pocket. He's basically got a carer I just I just

16:32

see her right now those time codes. Yeah We've

16:35

done half hours of recording to get to this point.

16:37

Yeah, yeah, but no that obviously this is a bit

16:40

different and new for me I never thought I'd be

16:42

doing it, but I'm at the stage of my life

16:44

and career where I need to start exploring do another

16:46

thing Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, which is a quick

16:48

or stacking sure ain't good. No, I would yeah fashion

16:50

ain't gonna cut it No, so I need to try

16:52

new things and I did route like I said the

16:54

trains quite nice. I like preps Can

16:57

I another inspirational question if you went back in time?

16:59

This is a question from die Stanley but and

17:01

it's our continental question of the week if you

17:03

went back in time I met a 13 year

17:05

old Johnny May what advice would

17:07

you give yourself? Oh jeez? I

17:13

Mean I wouldn't I have no regrets and I wouldn't want to

17:15

change anything But there are certainly

17:17

times where I've been too anxious and too stressed

17:19

or too down about things But

17:22

can you change that without? changing

17:24

the output because it's those times potentially where

17:26

you're down and anxious that like Make

17:29

you do your stretching or make you go do your extra

17:31

sprints or can you do you see what I mean? So

17:33

it's a difficult scale to balance

17:37

But of course, yeah, you look I can think

17:39

blood-dimming how things that were really important I just

17:41

had a baby son and like

17:43

things that maybe were really important. Maybe

17:45

you realize okay That didn't matter so much but

17:47

when you're living it and you're it's everything to

17:49

you and it still is very important to me

17:53

It's the fact that you care that makes you want

17:55

to get better and it makes you harden yourself And

17:57

what has been the best I'm gonna call it coping

17:59

mechanism What has been the best way

18:02

that you've found to get rid

18:04

of whatever levels of anxiety you've

18:06

got? I just get lost in the routine of it. Do

18:09

you stick to what you know? No, just

18:11

like the harder I can work and if

18:14

I'm stressed about this, right, what can I go do about it? Do

18:16

I go watch a bit of footage? Do I write in my book?

18:18

Do I go do some stretching? Do I go do

18:20

my recovery? Do I get lost in my loop

18:23

of X, Y, and Z? Do

18:25

I do my extras? So that's how I

18:27

coped, is I just got lost in my preparation. I

18:29

was going to say, because actually, Ellis has been very

18:31

open in the past about his dyspraxia, et cetera. We

18:33

live in an era where everybody's looking for a label

18:36

of some sort. Yeah. And yet you're

18:38

not that interested in that. You are who

18:40

you are. Yeah, exactly. I think people want

18:42

a reason or an excuse maybe to say

18:44

why I'm not good at something or parents

18:46

particularly are my son's struggles with this because

18:48

he's got this label. When the

18:50

reality is everybody's on a spectrum of some people

18:52

are more sociable, some people are quieter, some people

18:54

have more confidence, some don't. Some people are better at

18:56

drawing, some people are better at reading, some people are

18:58

good at maths. And today's

19:01

society, particularly in America with like Big Pharma going in

19:03

and in my conspiracy route now. But like if a

19:05

kid can't really pay attention, he's active and he's bored,

19:07

they need to put him on on Fatty Means to

19:09

say he's got ADHD when really he's just a young

19:11

boy full of beans and he's

19:13

probably bored with what they're teaching him at

19:16

school. So, no, everybody's

19:18

like I said earlier about everybody being a different

19:20

personality. I can embrace that. I

19:22

probably do have slightly different personalities to a lot of

19:25

my teammates, but that's a cool thing. And I think

19:27

he needs, like a great thing about our game is

19:29

that it celebrates and needs

19:31

different body shape, sizes, personalities, everything.

19:34

And like I said, you're looking for the combination

19:36

of people to bring about a good game of

19:38

rugby. It is true as well. People

19:41

are always looking for labels. I've said this a number

19:43

of times. But actually the labeling

19:45

is only the start of it. It's

19:47

not a get out of jail free, it's not a, if

19:51

you've got something, that's actually where it begins. So I

19:53

think people sometimes go, oh, well, I've got that. And

19:55

that's it? No, you've got that and this is how you work

19:57

with it. And actually you can't then just hide behind it. was

22:00

some of the best days playing for Gloucester

22:02

with that team but that it was so

22:04

appallingly made and ventilated

22:06

and cleaned that like this

22:09

virus we

22:11

don't really know what it was it was

22:13

like a black ring because about ten years

22:15

ago this virus it's not Covid no it

22:17

was black circles so it wasn't ringworm but

22:19

like this black circle appeared you're telling me that in

22:22

the changing rooms black death so this black ring would

22:24

appear on me like oh no it's got you and

22:30

what would it do to you it was just a black ring

22:32

I don't think it was a living entity like

22:39

venom from spider-man but anyway it's called

22:42

the pit because it was so minging

22:44

then this bug comes along but we

22:46

all had to go for testing and

22:48

then you were categorized as like symptomatic

22:52

carriers carriers or not

22:54

infected so like Charlie Sharples he loves

22:56

getting this happened yeah Charlie Sharples was

22:59

a carrier but no symptoms of the

23:01

black ring of the black ring I

23:03

had nothing thank God and then like

23:05

a handful of people had this black

23:07

ring right on their leg on their

23:09

chest on their side okay yeah like

23:11

it's just pretty rank isn't it definitely

23:13

an rp a matter right so you're

23:16

so due to unhygienic conditions you created

23:18

a bacterial virus it's like it's like

23:20

no medical made in Wuhan meat

23:22

market it was made in the Gloucester change rooms the

23:25

black ring right and what does a black ring do you

23:27

just leave your black ring I

23:29

know Darren David Duke had it I mean I can send a

23:32

couple of messages I don't know what the black ring did but

23:34

it wasn't it's pretty rank isn't it well I mean it could

23:36

be a bit of a fashion stain I've got the old black

23:38

ring but if it lets your leg falls off starts decaying it

23:40

wasn't good it was it was just

23:43

a ring but it was it was rank

23:45

and it's certainly not good okay well not

23:47

good well if I had ringworm before from

23:49

training it that's when the bastards knit your

23:52

towel isn't it the filthy ones they

23:54

knit your towel you get a ringworm my

23:56

sort of MMA gym it's kind of right on the mat

23:58

you got ringworm You get a ring on your

24:00

arm, it's not great. Scrum

24:03

pox. Yeah, scrum pox. What's

24:05

that? It's like out the head, isn't it?

24:07

Fat front robe. When they rub. Rub, yeah.

24:10

It's like, you know, I don't know. Leashons. Not

24:12

lesions. It's not lesions. Car bunkles and...

24:15

Car bunkles. A pustule. Ben Tio's exit

24:17

from the England team in 2019. I

24:20

think you've got a show on there. I

24:23

haven't heard this one properly. Am I selling my soul

24:25

now? Yes, you have yet. You've got a card there.

24:27

Welcome to the dark. You've got over all... Here are

24:30

the two questions. I never wanted this

24:32

for myself. Will Ben Tio mind you telling this story?

24:34

No, Ben Tio, not so much. Will Mike Brown mind?

24:36

Potentially. Well, Mike Brown actually sold a story to The

24:38

Sun, didn't he? To clear it up, didn't he?

24:40

Do you remember during the World Cup period? No, but

24:42

it's a shame for both players who have probably gone on the

24:44

World Cup. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just meaning he did

24:46

his story. He came out and spoke with it. So basically, we

24:49

go to... We get a

24:51

social... What, were you in Portugal?

24:54

Italy. Italy. So we were in

24:56

Treviso, we went on a social... I've

24:58

got another good story about the security, Bill and Ferg,

25:00

who are useless at England, and they won't mind me

25:02

talking about them. I'm happy to talk about them. It

25:04

involves Ed Sheeran after the World Cup final. Can I

25:07

go to the toilet? You've

25:11

gone bloody well, actually, Jonny. Can we just actually acknowledge

25:13

him when he does? And he only lost his voice.

25:15

Go and do the stop. Go on then. Stretch out.

25:18

Do you want to have a little lie-down ice cream? Have you soiled yourself

25:20

on those big trails? No. You

25:23

take your time. There's no hurry. It's

25:26

quite something. What is quite

25:28

evident is that he's like

25:30

a sort of power source. Do you know what I mean?

25:34

We've had a lot of people on this set

25:36

before, but no one has had

25:39

quite such a 360 kind of... Wherever

25:42

you go, something's happening. Whichever

25:44

part of his life you talk about, there's

25:47

a disaster, a catastrophe, a win, something

25:49

to celebrate. I've never... All amongst

25:52

it are really professional, sweet, sweet. Like, Chloe absolutely adores

25:54

it. For

25:56

her, he is the most fascinating person

25:58

I've ever played with. You're just

26:00

like just sitting there asking questions the way

26:03

his mind works what he thinks about you

26:05

know how he interpret stuff It's

26:07

just it's amazing. Yeah, and he's actually very interesting. He's

26:09

very intelligent and just shrewd operator He's not he's not

26:11

a sheep, but I I always like

26:14

to go with Johnny But he because he was

26:16

always with Joe Marla always with a lads There's always

26:18

someone stealing something or doing something to him or

26:20

something had happened or I was like I

26:23

haven't got time for this in my life Because

26:25

you start involved in that if you start messing

26:27

around suddenly your stuff starts going missing and then

26:29

you know You're in a world. There is the voice.

26:31

Yeah, and then your vortex that he takes revenge. They take

26:33

revenge on him I mean, you know and then he was

26:36

We just ran straight into golf cart, you

26:38

know, he's forgot to stop. There's a stuff like it's

26:40

amazing his back You

26:44

need the microphone We'll

26:46

do the bend here and we'll do the bit

26:48

of self-security and then we'll just maybe draw cool

26:51

breath This week, let's

26:53

do Ben Tio and Mike Brown. Okay,

26:55

so we're in Treviso We've

26:57

trained really hard. Everything's going pretty well We

27:00

go on a team. It's not the it's not like the

27:03

the most in well, I guess the viewers and what is

27:05

our demographic Who will be going after with this? Oh sure

27:11

These new people he wasn't they wouldn't have traditionally

27:13

watched it What they

27:15

just came on because you came oh, yeah, certainly

27:17

like subscribe and share you wouldn't know how to

27:19

do that Every Farmer

27:22

is he yeah I find

27:24

this one quite funny my mother-in-law went on

27:27

my computer course and like

27:29

she knows how to close a window because you

27:31

kiss it Goodbye. Oh, that's Yeah,

27:36

they teach you non-technological things as

27:38

well from farm life so

27:40

like if you've got eggs that

27:42

they said they're past your cell by date if you put

27:44

them in it like they are I had Yeah,

27:47

if they float they're often if they think so

27:50

that could be good for demographic if I'm thinking of

27:52

like student rugby players Yes eggs are good for breakfast.

27:54

You might have some out of date eggs We say

27:56

as we could tap into a whole new orders of

27:58

crested students who didn't know I I suspect

28:00

they might like listening or watching. Yeah.

28:02

So if they've got eggs that are over the

28:04

day, if they go in a glass of water

28:06

and they sink, you're fine to eat them. Wow.

28:08

I thought they had to float. No, float off.

28:11

They float off. They've got air in them, basically.

28:13

Right. They would have fermented bacteria. Something for everybody.

28:15

Mm-hmm. Bent here. Yeah, so,

28:17

yeah, it's quite a quick story. We

28:19

went out and got, well, I never

28:21

eat, I wasn't comfortable. And a few

28:23

of us aren't getting too drunk on these England things,

28:25

because you're still representing England and you're still at

28:28

work. Who else is in Soba Club? No,

28:30

it's not Soba. It's like, have a couple or a

28:32

board. Because one time you did get drunk, the toilet

28:34

got destroyed, remember? Oh, yeah. Is that an- Well, I

28:36

tell that story on my stand-up tour, but- What

28:39

did you do? Well, Johnny, you know that

28:41

you got the- I got invoice for that.

28:43

Your debut. Yeah, it was my second debut.

28:45

Your second debut. Your second debut. Well, apparently

28:47

the first one didn't count. Right. Why

28:49

were you allowed to? Someone's pulling you into it. I've

28:52

already done mine. Shut up. Shut up, Johnny. Yeah, shut

28:54

up and have a drink. So, yeah, I'm forced to

28:56

drink. Anyway, we do three stories. The

28:59

Italy one. I'm making it. I'm making it quickly. I know.

29:01

So much to drink. Anyway,

29:03

you've got to have a drink with every member of the team. You

29:06

don't manage to do it, but you have a lot. Anyway,

29:08

I go into the toilet to be sick. Billy

29:10

Twelter, he's locked me in the toilet. For

29:14

your own safety or for- How did he do that from

29:16

the outside? Well, the key. We must have a key or

29:18

something. I know. Well, maybe he thought you were locked in.

29:20

No, no. He barbed me shut, so I couldn't get out.

29:22

So I was like, oh, okay, I know what to do.

29:24

But anyway, we're in this really historic, lovely, mosaic-y building. And

29:28

at the end of the Six Nations, like you do in

29:30

the past, pre-COVID, you would do a bit- All that brass

29:32

band, like crazy food. Yeah, the band and food and black

29:34

tie. And it is a good event. They're very hospitable. Is

29:36

that the word? I'm going to spirit road with some stuffy

29:38

old bloke and a bit of chicken. No, it was amazing.

29:41

I'm like, far as you can see, bollivons, you

29:43

know, slavies, fried meat. Yeah, anyway, I was sick.

29:46

Billy Twelter, he blocks me from getting out. So

29:48

I was like, oh, no issue. I'll just stand

29:50

on the toilet, jump over the keyboard, come out

29:52

the next one. I stand on the toilet. Posh,

29:54

this like old vat, like China toilet,

29:56

smashes, breaks, splits in half, and water

29:59

starts pissing. out the fucking, or

30:02

out of one of the pipes, and Billy opened it

30:04

and caught me red-handed like half way up the thing,

30:06

he's like, what have you done? And I'm like, I

30:08

didn't fucking do anything, it's like you've stopped me from

30:10

getting out of there. Anyway, we both just walk out

30:12

of there, like guilty, looking very

30:14

guilty, like he's going to sit up laughing at

30:16

your ankle. No, no, no, no, no, no. A

30:20

toilet, a toilet, a toilet, a toilet, a toilet, a toilet,

30:22

a toilet, a toilet, a toilet, a toilet. Like, I messed

30:24

up, like Billy made me mess up. Obviously, I... Billy made

30:26

me, yeah. Yeah, well, if you track somebody in the toilet,

30:28

what are we meant to do? Not trying to escape, but

30:30

anyway, we go back and sit at our table, and anyway,

30:32

within minutes, the police are like racing in a line through

30:34

the thing, because it's like protected,

30:39

historical, it's like a really nice

30:41

building, and anyway, we... Can

30:43

you break this on your second debut for a year?

30:45

Well, it's the end of the Six Nations, so what's

30:47

that, my sixth cap? But yeah, that

30:50

toilet broke, Lanny was like, Lanny, you go to,

30:52

Lanny, who told me to go to bed, I

30:54

had to go to bed. This has turned into

30:56

quite a therapy session. It is therapy.

30:58

Of the trauma of playing for England. Yeah, it is,

31:00

yeah. It's essentially what we're going through. Apologise Italians, right?

31:03

Apologise Italians, pay the money, say, oh, sorry, I wasn't

31:05

asking. A thousand pounds for toilet. A thousand six hundred

31:07

and sixty six, sixty six. Could you put

31:09

that, can you offset that, I guess, tax, tax bill or some sort?

31:11

No. International

31:13

crime. Or put loss, international crime. I think you

31:15

got away with that. Right, okay, yeah, so that

31:17

happened. Anyway, that's that. Ben's here, Mike Brown, we're

31:20

in Treviso, we're getting drunk. I said there's

31:22

there's always a few people who you have to

31:24

be concerned about on those socials.

31:27

There's less of them around now. Like,

31:30

Dickie would be a concern. And

31:33

do you man Mark? Yeah, we tried to help,

31:35

but also stay away. It's

31:38

a fine balance. Help him with

31:40

a pool cue, like poking them.

31:43

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, put that down. Ben's

31:46

here, got too drunk. Like, it happened. I

31:52

don't know. I don't know how I've got into this. I

31:54

started telling me. Well, because we put on the list from

31:56

show one, but never got into it. We don't have to

31:58

go. Anyway, to my understanding, like. Apologies to anybody

32:00

who I mentioned who didn't want to be mentioned I

32:02

mean you might not even show this anyway But I

32:04

think Joe like wet the jokes you play when like

32:06

you pretend there's a fly on you and he slapped

32:08

somebody I haven't played that since But

32:12

that occurred and I think brownie got

32:15

slapped right I

32:18

might have been married at it But anyway, Ben's

32:20

here being too drunk found it and obviously brownie

32:22

was a brownie wouldn't have been drinking He was

32:24

like really professional guy didn't didn't do all that

32:26

He's always that's why he's still playing and he's

32:28

just still in great shape like all those things

32:32

So obviously brownie wasn't like in that mood at

32:34

that time and didn't take well to it understandably

32:37

But then Ben's here probably got carried

32:39

away with the reaction that he got and probably snapped him

32:41

a couple more times and

32:44

then like we've been anywhere we've we've Somehow

32:47

like Bill and fur would talk about them in a minute

32:49

Obviously just standing around not doing much at all just watching

32:52

them saying all the boys you got look at like we

32:54

did anyway Not really. I don't really know what they do

32:57

But they were there We've

32:59

almost navigated as a team our way

33:02

through All potential

33:04

things that could go wrong. They hadn't and it was on the walk

33:06

back to the bus Brownie

33:09

was walking to the bus and They

33:12

were sort of yelling stuff to each other about something

33:14

and then yeah, they turned around and like I think

33:18

Benny landed Punch on

33:21

brownie and like got him got

33:23

him of his black eye and Bento

33:26

had a rich shirt and and then we got on the bus and

33:28

it was all kicking off It was like a it

33:30

was awful really like lots of boys were calling out

33:32

boys. Some boys were crying It

33:36

was bizarre and then we're like cholesterol waitress It

33:38

was just so weird and then then lads were

33:40

like right We need to sort all this out

33:43

as a team and go down to the basement now And then

33:45

other lads like this is the worst time to go and sort

33:47

things out And it was

33:49

just a fight club or not like a fight club It

33:52

was just this is the time that

33:55

during this world cup Eddie had at

33:57

us with this honestly woman and

33:59

she'd stoked few feathers within camp. I'm not

34:01

sure if she was the one who encouraged you

34:03

to have feathers or fires. So to have difficult

34:05

conversations with her. Yeah, so it was them and

34:07

go, I hate you. Things were, yeah, honestly, things

34:09

were brewing because like we had to go and

34:11

tell people like things we didn't like, like it

34:13

was really weird. She made people cry. Who came

34:15

to you? Nobody came to me,

34:18

but there was, I'm not going to say who and what,

34:20

but there was there was queues for the same. Did someone

34:22

go and sit behind the queue around the block, wasn't it?

34:24

There was all that. Anyway, people were having conversations

34:26

that didn't need to be have enforcing them. There

34:29

was so much things I don't like your

34:31

prick. You're loud. What? Anyway,

34:34

there was stuff simmering and

34:36

then that sort of tips it all off. And

34:38

then I think Steve Bovwick had to go and

34:41

wake up then to in the morning the

34:43

next morning and Ben's he was like on the bus. He

34:46

was still steaming on the bus to the airport like

34:48

Steve Bovwick was in my room in the morning. Why

34:50

Steve Bovwick in my room? That's my Aussie accent. He's

34:52

like, yeah, you come to wake you up. But he

34:54

was just so drunk. And then the bus was awkward.

34:56

And then at the front, Eddie

34:59

stood up and he's like, right, boys, you fucked up. You

35:02

can't handle your piss. And then like

35:05

off the back of the brownie

35:07

and Tio got removed from the removed from

35:10

the camp. And that was it. Well,

35:14

I think I need therapy. It's just

35:16

a shame for both of them

35:18

that they like maybe that's just something in my

35:20

opinion. Maybe that's just something that happens. Does

35:25

it happen at Gloucester as well? Do you

35:27

have proper therapy? No, we have quite like

35:29

we do train Tuesdays. There's like

35:31

maybe more so than other clubs that we do

35:33

fight. Not we the forwards will will fight quite

35:35

a lot on a Tuesday. Yeah.

35:38

Nine games on the trot. I might as well be

35:40

more fighting. Well, I'm

35:42

glad we put that one to bed. Should we go

35:44

bit of a really quickly? Give us Phil and Ferg.

35:46

Phil and Ferg's a good adventure. So

35:48

anyway, World Cup Final 2019. We lose,

35:50

we get back to the hotel. We've got

35:52

like the penthouse of a hotel somewhere.

35:55

I actually did have a few drinks and felt

35:58

quite drunk quite quickly, probably because of the street. it

36:00

all. But it's

36:02

a weird environment. Anyway, some people know,

36:04

some people don't know, but Ed Sheeran is like a

36:06

family friend of ours,

36:08

of mine. Stop it. And...

36:12

Is it all connections? Mum's talking about

36:14

you talking. No, mum. So like, my

36:16

mum is close friends with his dad.

36:19

My mum's best friend's his godmother. Like, they're

36:21

in a network of friends. So when we

36:23

were like kids, if the parents got together,

36:25

we'd play football with each other. But

36:28

Ed would obviously be inside playing guitar, because that's

36:30

what he liked to do. So you basically say

36:32

he's a fucking nerd and you were the athletic

36:34

one, so you're saying? No. Just said that he

36:36

was inside playing guitar. He's done right off the

36:38

back of it. I wish I was, but I

36:40

had one inch of his talent. So anyway, I

36:42

think he was, his family musical, he's

36:44

quite classically trained. And he, my mum and dad

36:46

play guitar and stuff, and he saw my mum

36:48

playing guitar. And apparently so, my mum, he

36:51

was interested, he was interested, my mum taught

36:53

him, taught him some chords and

36:55

off he went. So apparently that happened. Can

36:59

you imagine in a parallel universe, if he'd gone

37:01

out to play football and you picked up your

37:03

mum's guitar? Yeah. You wouldn't

37:05

be here now? No. Are you musical?

37:08

I've done the drums. My family's a

37:10

bit musical. Really? But

37:13

no, anyway. So penthouse of a

37:15

Japanese hotel, all the friends and families

37:17

are coming in. It's a bit

37:19

of a weird vibe. People are getting drunk. Some people are,

37:21

most people are upset. It's all a lot to take in.

37:24

Ed Sheeran's dad was with my mum and

37:26

they were both steaming. Like they'd been drinking

37:29

all day. You're not related to Ed Sheeran,

37:31

are you? No.

37:34

Oh, right. You're not really his brother? No.

37:36

But anyway, my mum and dad, my dad doesn't drink, my

37:38

mum used to drink a lot. She doesn't drink at all

37:41

anymore. But she was, she

37:43

had a few drinks. Ed Sheeran's dad had a few drinks.

37:45

And then my mum's like, oh, well, Ed

37:47

was at the final and he wants to see his dad. And I

37:50

was like, okay, well, but like, I'll go

37:52

and let him in or whatever. Like, I haven't seen him for

37:54

a long time. But

37:56

like the sadness of it is Ed is literally so famous

37:58

that like, he doesn't get to see him. see his dad

38:00

very often, he's got to do this appearance and go here and be

38:02

there. I mean his dad was like, yeah, I'd love to see how

38:04

could you get him in. And I'd obviously

38:07

you at these post

38:10

rugby match events

38:12

you get wristbands. So

38:14

I'd obviously given wristbands, you probably got three each

38:16

let's say. So my mum and dad and, oh

38:19

I got five, my mum, dad, Ed Sheeran's

38:21

dad, my brother-in-law and his mate were out

38:23

there, they got wristbands, they were up in the bar with us.

38:26

So anyway, I go out, up comes the elevator,

38:28

Ed Sheeran with his entourage of two, his wife,

38:30

Cherry and his mate.

38:33

And I walk to the door, I'm like,

38:35

I was going to take Ed to see his dad and Bill

38:37

and Ferg stood at the rope there like, I was

38:40

like, yeah, sorry, it's Ed Sheeran here. He

38:42

wants to come see his dad. And Ferg, this like

38:44

stubborn Scottish security, he's like, I'm not going to

38:46

do a Scottish accent, but he's like, yeah, well,

38:48

where's his wristband? I'm like, Ferg,

38:51

you taking the fucking piss. This

38:53

is Ed Sheeran and he wants to

38:55

see his dad. He doesn't need a fucking wristband to go

38:57

and see his dad. He's like, this is what he said.

38:59

He was like, well, I've just turned Pierce

39:02

Francis' mates around because they didn't have a wristband. I

39:05

was like, Ferg, fucking hell,

39:07

mate. Pierce, like nothing

39:10

Pierce Francis, lovely guy, bit different,

39:12

like Pierce Francis'

39:14

mates, Ed Sheeran, like God

39:16

knows where the night could have gone. He could have

39:18

come in, saw in his dad, Ed hears the guitar,

39:20

off you go, have a sing. But anyway, I'm

39:23

like, so you're turning Ed Sheeran away from

39:25

seeing his dad. And he's like, well, they

39:27

all can't come in. And I was like, Ferg,

39:29

you're joking me. But anyway, I said, I'm

39:32

just going to look at Ed, Ed sees his dad

39:34

quickly. It was quite sad, really. I snuck head round

39:36

the side. He get his dad

39:38

a hug and left. Are you fucking serious? He didn't

39:40

let Ed Sheeran in. He didn't let Ed Sheeran in. It's

39:43

around my life. So anyway, yes, this happened. So

39:45

then anyway, within minutes of him leaving,

39:48

Jamie George and Elliot Daly run out

39:50

like, is that it? Ed Sheeran's here,

39:52

isn't he? I was like, yeah, he was. He's gone

39:54

now. Bin and Ferg wouldn't let him in because he

39:57

didn't have a wristband. Yeah,

40:00

he didn't have a wristband. So difficult, anything to

40:02

do with it or what you like. What are

40:04

you idiots? Yeah, so then it's like the what

40:06

that group's just pinging off like Fuck you Bill,

40:08

fuck you Ferg, what the fuck have you done

40:10

Ed Sheeran, cheers guys, blah blah. Bill used to

40:13

be a Harry's close friend here. Yeah, yeah he-

40:15

So Bill was Harry's close, Bill's good, I don't

40:17

know, Ferg I don't know, but I met him.

40:19

They're both lovely guys. They're both like, they're not

40:21

security, they're logistics. Close protection here. They

40:23

sit around, they drink coffee, they're really good morale.

40:27

But he used to be close protect officers. They

40:30

help move kit, they help us do

40:32

stuff, but certainly those are their security interactions.

40:34

Like they did turn away Ed Sheeran because

40:36

Piers Francis is one of that rules Piers

40:38

Francis friendly. I'd be livid,

40:41

honestly, I'd stand there and I'd go, like someone

40:43

else's, I'd go, listen, my mum and dad, my

40:46

mum and dad, fuck off Ed Sheeran, I'd swap

40:48

the bands out. It was so embarrassing, so

40:50

embarrassing. Yeah, that is tough. Can I ask

40:53

you some questions Johnny? Yeah. Ali

40:56

Gray, would you rather fight a horse sized duck or 20

40:58

duck sized horses? So

41:01

this is interesting, I've been to Tbilisi and back

41:03

since the last- You did? Yeah.

41:07

You did. And inevitably you end up playing with a

41:09

game of would you rather? And to answer that question, I'd

41:11

rather fight the 20 duck

41:13

sized horses. I

41:16

think this is one that came up when we

41:18

were in Tbilisi. Would you rather be on

41:20

minimum wage for the rest of your life or

41:23

be on a million pounds a year and

41:26

have a snail that is constantly

41:28

chasing you and if it touches you, you

41:31

die? I'd

41:34

rather have a million quid a year in a fucking snail. I'll have

41:36

what you're smoking. Yeah. You're not supposed to

41:38

start the mushroom's laws yet, you're supposed to wait until you retire,

41:40

Johnny. But whatever. This is a good one

41:42

though because it's fucking terrifying. A snail, like I know they're

41:44

slow but it's just knowing it's- Yeah, but wait until it's

41:47

starting in relation to you. Right, so you're right, snail there,

41:49

you there. Because

41:51

if it fucking you're not living there by the end

41:53

of the night, you're not even seeing the snail trails

41:55

in your house and all this. But you can do

41:57

nothing about the snail, you can't ever get rid of

41:59

it. Why?

44:00

It's hunting you. What

44:02

do you mean, why it's ridiculous? We're

44:05

quite far into the conversation to be asking that. Yeah.

44:07

I'm confused. The snail knows where you are. You can

44:09

never know. You could look and be like, oh, the

44:11

snail, like, it's there. How big's the snail?

44:14

It's just normal size. If

44:17

it can get on transport, I just do minimum wage.

44:19

It's just too much stress. No,

44:22

but it doesn't... You die if it touches you. Yes. No.

44:26

But we did have, like, a good half hour. I missed play school. We

44:29

did have a good half hour over the snail, but I

44:31

decided if it can get on cars and planes and trains,

44:33

then I'm just taking it on the wage. That's

44:36

what I miss more than anything. It's like killing time.

44:38

Just killing point in this conversation, like, would you rather...

44:40

The idea of being attacked by a rogued snail. It's

44:42

a mocking. Okay. What's

44:44

the best back three in World Rugby right now? Pick your

44:46

dream back three. Who's

44:50

the best fullback in the game right now? Bowden Barrett?

44:53

Yeah, I go, yeah, maybe... Listen, I'd

44:55

maybe go... Yeah,

44:58

Bowden Barrett, Chezz and Colby. I

45:02

chuck somebody like Zam on the other wing. Excuse

45:04

me. Yeah, something like Zam. That'd be quite cool,

45:06

wouldn't it? Is he quite quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

45:09

Top three things on your bucket list. Last

45:12

question. I

45:15

want to buy a holiday home. Nailproof

45:17

one, I think. Yes, nailproof holiday home next

45:19

to a golf course. Anywhere

45:22

particular country? It is hot. I think that

45:24

would be nice. Could you use snail pellets

45:26

wherever you go? Or

45:31

is it immune to that? I reckon, no, you can't kill

45:33

the snail. Well, you could make it

45:35

very ill. Or you could make it big. No, it moves. It

45:38

moves. In mysterious ways. At the

45:40

constant pace. What if you put glass? It travels at constant

45:42

pace. Slugs over grass. But if you went to bed and

45:44

you surrounded your bed in pellets... Yeah, it gets through them.

45:46

How? It's

45:49

the way the snail is made. I think you've thought this through. Yeah. What

45:52

about you put broken glass? Would it snail over the

45:54

glass? Yeah, it constantly moves at a snail's pace. Can

45:57

it go through fire? Yeah. Instead

48:00

of that, if it's like three wishes, which it basically

48:02

is, isn't it? A bucket list, it's like you get

48:04

a lamp and you might as well just wish for

48:06

loads of money. No, do you want, I've figured out...

48:08

Then you can do basically what you want. No, the

48:10

last thought, I figured out how to defeat the, um...

48:14

That, you know, three wishes thing. My

48:16

first wish, you wish to be the

48:18

best at everything in the world. No. You wish for as many

48:20

wishes as you want. No, you can't do that, they always say

48:22

they're caveats. You can't ask for a wish. It's like, Johnny, you've

48:24

changed your fucking move. No, no, that's what they always say. Aladdin

48:26

is the kind of... But then you think that you'd be the

48:28

best at bad things as well. Well, but only if you tried

48:30

to do the bad things, wouldn't they? Only if you tried to

48:33

do the bad things. Yeah. Because everything I... Everything I've got, if

48:35

you're the best, but that's what I mean, but you're the best

48:37

at only money. You'd then be tempted to do bad things because

48:39

you're good at them. Yeah, but then you'd be like the best

48:41

at dying fast. So it could all... No, that's not a good

48:43

one. No, but I'm pretty certain that's not how it works. I go,

48:45

I want the best at everything in the world, so I could... You

48:48

know, I could be the best at anything I try. There's

48:50

no... That's not... You need balance in the world. You

48:53

need like, Ying and Yang are all two. I wouldn't like

48:55

to try and be the best footballer, I probably will. It

48:57

gets pretty deep. But then there'd be no fun in the...

48:59

Do you know what I mean? Like you could curse yourself.

49:01

Well, it's a lot of... Well, I mean, Bernal, there's had

49:03

a bit of fun. The message has a bit of fun.

49:05

I would probably do. There's probably things people can do. But

49:07

also, if you've got an understanding of life, I

49:09

wouldn't be sure... If I got a billion dollars, I wouldn't

49:11

like to lose my mind. Wouldn't you? No,

49:14

I don't want a billion dollars. I do, but I wouldn't... You

49:17

wouldn't say... Oh, my God, he's dying. They reckon that

49:19

the more intelligent you are, the less happy you are.

49:21

So like you could end up being so clever that you... You

49:24

get answers that you don't want and then you're up there. Yeah,

49:26

of course. But I often think... That isn't a good wish. The

49:28

people who have the most often are at least happy as well.

49:30

You sort of get disappointed by it. Yeah,

49:33

as long as you... You need purpose. There's balance, isn't there?

49:35

Somebody get up in the morning for... And you get people

49:37

around you. And the rest of it's all incidental. There's

49:40

been another magical mystery tour through the

49:42

magical mind of... I'm not going to listen to

49:45

this back. Because I don't want... I want to

49:47

remember it as it was before it's going to

49:49

be heavily redacted. Yeah. I can't listen to my

49:51

own views. I never have. I'm not

49:54

even that. I just... I remember what it was like, the purity

49:56

of it. I don't want to remember what it was going to

49:58

be like. Should we therefore just say to the... This in

50:00

the viewers this is bit about the most

50:02

amazing two hours you. I can barely saw

50:05

it on twenty twenty four so far so

50:07

far but whatever they get given his.bigger. I'm

50:10

for can you give your nord so

50:12

the good rugby this on Italy both

50:14

this weekend because he rustic Champions cup

50:16

is back when I see be one

50:18

of one eccentric as Glasgow warriors Saturday

50:20

legitimacy Saturday extra seats and get back

50:22

to pick performances. The is followed by

50:24

lends to against stuff from say was

50:26

set of the top fourteen Cnc a

50:28

naughty at five thirty on Sunday afternoon

50:30

it's an absolute belter slamming allowed lock

50:32

the door like the fall because you're

50:34

both receive nice to soften self fourteen

50:36

as a game of the weekend I

50:38

reckon sent his. Boss want to talk

50:41

on Sunday they got defending champion lower

50:43

set against Leicester three sustain bought I

50:45

begged her second. it's of which against

50:47

series of five does he oh in

50:49

foul is off to France screens the

50:51

headline if he hasn't already. I.

50:53

See so called commander huge emphasis and

50:56

Friday night. The. Twelve Sickest is

50:58

available to you. Still available. Shudder child One

51:00

Columbus Crew seat myself Cassie Sweat plays I

51:02

Room Twelve Plus Minister Sound in London who

51:04

is a place is a place as hailed

51:07

as supposed to hit at Edinburgh. I saw

51:09

year Are you all? Are you ready for

51:11

that? Minutes from Are You into the I'm

51:13

Available for the As I was like a

51:16

nom de genval threads. a place was raised

51:18

on were on a Monday. not a mess.

51:21

Summit Nightclub and then Tuesday

51:24

three sixty for Vous Rennes

51:26

you skiing. And partially one of the

51:28

pie some sort of not possible some tapes

51:30

visited of it runs the one I Tv,

51:33

Tnc and Rt varies to music that if

51:35

you like can find husky wherever. He's just

51:37

mentioned that the located is available as per

51:39

normal for Apple is spotify. Johnny's make his

51:41

debut. Sweet Talk about a black eye this

51:43

week just as George we set him who

51:45

did you say I to to skimming to

51:48

get the job for your landlord to do

51:50

with Obama black guy in a six nine

51:52

games on about slowest. Are

51:54

you getting on the other? Sky Wealth

51:57

either Ozu I will send it to me that he

51:59

said he was. Yeah, I wouldn't. Well maybe you'd get him in

52:01

the good books. A little present for

52:03

the landlord? Yeah. A bit

52:05

of a sponsor, but don't utilize it to get away with sorrow. Utilize

52:08

it just to enjoy it for its citrus base.

52:10

The point of Black Eye though is you ride

52:12

the storms and you celebrate the good times and

52:15

the sunshine. So let's send the bottle down to

52:17

George Skivington and hopefully fortunes turn at King's Home

52:19

before too long. Just a reminder that a bottle

52:21

of Black Eye goes every week to someone who

52:23

we celebrate for alternative reasons or someone who needs

52:25

to pick me up. Black Eye

52:28

Gin is available from Amazon, selected Sainsbury's

52:30

and Master of Malt. We've got some

52:32

really exciting opportunities coming in the not too

52:34

distant future as well. It has got botanicals

52:36

from every major rugby playing nation and one very

52:38

special ingredient. And £1.50 from

52:40

every bottle sold goes into the Black Eye Rugby Fund

52:43

which is aiming to raise a million pounds a year

52:45

to help with the areas of risk, research and recovery

52:47

within the game of Rugby Union. We are already into

52:49

five figures raised which is very exciting and we're asking

52:51

rugby fans swap a beer for a gin and tonic

52:54

and you can do that to help the game. That

52:58

is it for this week's show. It's never

53:00

easy laying down a second album but your

53:02

thoughts on this week's show? We'll

53:05

just have to wait and see but I've

53:07

had fun again. Have you enjoyed it? No it's been good

53:09

thank you. It's been a half a couple of hours and

53:11

you didn't talk yourself out but you've done a very... You've

53:13

done a very... As a performance you've done extremely well. At

53:15

least that didn't happen. Yeah. And you only urinated once? Yeah.

53:17

Yeah. Which is good. You've

53:20

had half a pack of the holes. We haven't needed the dye place for the ice cream.

53:22

Ice cream is a bit of a shame. Is there even ice cream in there? Yeah.

53:25

You should never eat melted ice cream. Don't refreeze

53:27

it. Why? It's what

53:29

grows back to it and makes you ill. Right. A

53:32

little tip for you. It's been a hell of a show this week. We've

53:35

toured a bit haven't we? Yeah. Have

53:37

we gone round? Yeah but that's... We

53:40

have beaten the good, the bad and the rugby and punishment of our very good

53:42

friends at Continental Tires. Thank you as always for your support. We

53:44

are a folding pocket production. Stats and facts

53:47

provided by Oval Insights where appropriate in this

53:49

episode was produced by Tom Edwards. See you

53:51

next week. Well done Johnny. Thank you. Bye

53:53

Johnny. You've

53:57

been listening to The Good. Yay. Goodbye.

54:01

and the rugby with

54:03

Alex Payne, James Haskell and Mike

54:05

Tinden. Thanks for listening. You're

54:18

not going to believe what comes out of my mouth now.