0:07

Welcome back, everybody. I'm your host, Greg McEwan. I

0:09

am here with you on this journey

0:11

to learn how to live a life that

0:14

really matters, how to connect

0:16

with the people who really matter, how

0:18

to be able to have the conversations

0:21

that really matter most. And

0:24

so I'm so delighted to be back

0:26

here for part two of my conversation

0:28

with Topaz Adizaz. He

0:30

is an Emmy Award-winning writer, director,

0:32

visionary, all of those marvelous things.

0:34

His tremendous video work has been

0:37

captured in film festivals like Cannes

0:39

and Sundance and IDFA and South

0:42

by Southwest and so many more.

0:45

In the first part of our

0:47

conversation, we talked about why

0:50

we should try to be able to

0:52

have these more meaningful conversations with the

0:54

people who matter, some of

0:56

the things that get in the way of being able to

0:58

do that, the sense of discomfort,

1:00

the sense of not having created a

1:03

space to be able to even do

1:05

this. And we also talked about what

1:07

we would need to do, physically creating

1:09

a space and then using the

1:11

card games that Aziz

1:13

created to be able to

1:16

initiate the kinds of conversational

1:18

moments that actually unite us,

1:21

bring us closer together, help

1:23

us to be able to feel safe

1:27

enough to be unsafe together so

1:29

that we can be vulnerable about

1:31

the things that are so

1:34

valuable but so often lie

1:38

hidden below the surface. In

1:40

this conversation, we're going to get into

1:42

the practical things, some of the specific

1:44

questions that you can ask as

1:47

you try to create conversations that really matter.

1:49

Topaz, welcome back to the show. Great,

1:51

good to be here. Go continue this conversation.

1:54

Through a process of years selected

1:56

through your own curiosity, questions

1:59

that... you felt

2:01

would most likely lead to

2:03

a deep conversation a curative

2:06

conversation with two

2:08

people that matter to each

2:11

other and then as you Experimented with

2:13

them you were able to curate the

2:15

ones that really worked the best and

2:17

you took those best questions And you

2:19

put them into this card game series

2:21

of card games, and then of

2:23

course you've written a book now Selecting 12

2:26

of those questions That

2:28

you feel are most valuable and I

2:30

wonder if you could just start walking

2:32

us through those questions I

2:35

mean 12 questions for love came out

2:37

of it You know the editors who's a fan of

2:39

this can be for years said topaz Can you distill

2:41

down what are the 12 best questions and

2:43

why why do they work to create a cathartic

2:45

conversation in any intimate?

2:47

relationship partner parent

2:50

family sibling best friend and And

2:53

besides the space there's how do you construct a good

2:55

question? And what is the right sequence? There's a sequence

2:57

to it much like from filmmaking. You know, there's a

3:00

five-act structure Three act five five

3:02

act structure in this case the 12

3:04

questions to take you are a journey Such

3:07

that the last question to be answered what the

3:09

last question. Why do you love me? Would

3:11

be answered so much more profoundly

3:15

Because of the journey you had been on then

3:17

if you just asked out of the blue, why do you love me? Good

3:20

grief That's so great. There

3:22

is a so there is a exponential Thing

3:25

there's a compounding effect to

3:27

the questions when they're

3:30

in conjunction in a certain sequence with others

3:32

So I talked about that in the book and we talked about that here

3:35

also the construction of the question What's

3:37

key to understand is that we prime the

3:40

answer by the question we ask Much

3:43

like a race course is shaped by the

3:45

race that the course it's run on or

3:48

driven on Much the answer is

3:50

shaped by the question that is asked. Let me

3:52

give an example Yeah, no, I

3:54

mean I was thinking maybe the very first example

3:57

of the twelve like what's the first question or

3:59

the But maybe it is a

4:01

different one that's a better. I mean we well we

4:03

can look if you're looking for a Bing

4:06

effect is that like okay impressive question we

4:08

go to the climactic question number seven

4:11

and that is what's the pain in me? You wish you could heal and

4:13

why what is the pain in me you

4:15

wish you could heal and why? Number

4:17

eight is what is one experience

4:19

you wish we never had and why those

4:22

are what I find to be in Destruction is

4:24

the most most powerful questions,

4:26

but they're on an architecture of the

4:28

previous six That bring you to

4:30

the space and we can talk about those like the very

4:32

first one The very first question is

4:35

what are your three favorite memories we share and

4:37

why do you cherish them? What's

4:39

our three? Favorite memories we

4:41

gave her memories that we share and why

4:44

do you cherish them and seeing

4:46

this goes to the architecture? The question is not

4:48

a remarkable question, but or you know something that's

4:50

gonna impress you But in the context of the

4:52

architecture we start in the past We

4:55

start in what are the memories that

4:57

the synergy that is unique to our

4:59

relationship has created Because it has

5:01

created things in the past and it will create things in the

5:03

future Just like it's creating things in the moment And

5:05

so the first three questions speak about the

5:08

synergy of our mutual love and respect It's it's

5:10

really harped on in the past what

5:12

good things have happened in the past That's

5:15

in it. Yeah, well, we're not that's not what

5:17

you're saying. I was trying to yeah state it

5:19

So what am I getting wrong because

5:21

good things suggest like an output as

5:24

though and that suggests a transaction? and

5:26

that's and that's not I'm not going for a transactional nation

5:28

we're going for a Relationship

5:30

of which we are being in it

5:32

and from our being certain events or

5:34

certain memories are created. So experiences

5:38

Yes, what are the differences that we shared that we

5:40

could not have shared if we weren't together Hmm,

5:43

right. What are those three questions then? So those

5:45

are those are kind of the first three is

5:47

what are your three fair minutes we share and

5:50

why do you cherish them? Then we move to

5:52

what was your first impression of me and

5:55

how has that changed over time? Now

5:57

why is that interesting because it harps back

5:59

to the past What was your first impression? What

6:01

was that first thing that drew you in? And

6:04

how have I changed over time to

6:06

the now? Because between the first time

6:08

we met and who we are now, our

6:11

story has changed, my perception of you

6:13

has changed, I have changed, are we

6:15

acknowledging that? So it's a

6:17

shout out, it's a reminder of what brought

6:19

us together. And it's starting

6:21

to digging around how are we shifting since

6:23

then, what has changed. And

6:26

then the third one, so this closes the first act,

6:28

if you will. This is a five act, the closing

6:30

of the first act, the

6:32

third question, when do you feel closest to

6:34

me? Now, what that does is it

6:36

brings it closer, the past to the present. What

6:39

are the things that happen now where you feel closest?

6:42

And the individuals will find themselves

6:44

to go to the moment where they feel close and

6:47

that physiologically starts opening up a sense of love

6:49

and intimacy. So

6:51

from, much like when you ask what's your favorite memory,

6:54

I mean, that's going to open also a

6:56

sense of love and intimacy and trust. So

6:58

the first act one, the first three questions

7:00

really are bringing out the foundations of

7:02

why we're together. What is unique

7:04

about our connection? What is at stake? I

7:07

love that. So that's act

7:09

one. Act two is conflict.

7:12

How do we handle conflict? And what is it

7:14

doing? Right? Now we're

7:17

warming up to the peak, which is the climax,

7:19

seven and eight, which I've already mentioned. So

7:22

let's go to number four. This is the beginning of act two. Are

7:25

you hesitant to ask me and why? Why

7:28

are we not shining the light of

7:30

our relationship or we're not talking about,

7:32

we're not bringing because we're hesitant. There's

7:35

other versions of this. So what can't we

7:37

talk about? What

7:39

are you hesitant to ask me? What are you hesitant to tell me? What

7:41

do you think I'm hesitant to ask you? So in

7:44

this book, I offer 12 questions. I promise you, you

7:46

ask these 12 questions to your partner, you'll have an

7:48

incredible conversation. In the back of

7:50

the book, I offer you other questions that

7:52

can be replaced in any of these acts,

7:55

right? Right. And I can

7:57

explain why these questions. Yes.

8:00

Or what are you hesitant? So where

8:02

are we not talking? What is lingering there that we're

8:04

not, that okay, right now is

8:06

not a big deal, but soon it becomes

8:08

question five. That thing that we're

8:10

hesitant can become what is the

8:12

biggest challenge in our relationship right now, and

8:15

what do you think it is teaching us? What's

8:19

interesting, yeah. That's such well-formulated

8:21

questions. And actually, that

8:23

really is why we

8:25

even have this conversation happening between

8:27

you and I, I'm being messa for a

8:29

second. But it was when I

8:31

read those questions that I thought behind

8:34

these questions is

8:37

a real curator. So lots

8:39

of people come to you through these videos, and in a sense,

8:41

I wish I had too, because

8:43

it's been going on for so long and it's

8:45

such a great human experiment, and

8:47

it's doing so much good in the

8:49

world too. I don't know if you know

8:51

the story, but Johnny Ive, living

8:54

in England, when he first used

8:57

the first Macintosh by

8:59

Apple, had a connection

9:01

beyond the technology. He

9:04

could feel that product

9:06

had been created by someone

9:08

who cared beyond the actual

9:11

technical abilities of the machine. And

9:14

so the questions were like that to me. And

9:17

that's where we led him. These are very

9:19

carefully thought through questions. I know these are

9:22

just a curated set of a

9:24

much broader sets of questions. Of course, that

9:26

makes sense, but please continue now. But

9:28

let's just focus on, I just wanna- Riff

9:30

on that, please go ahead. Yeah, but as

9:33

we go through these questions, I just wanna

9:35

point out the power of the question,

9:37

and that's a cliche we all hear, but let me point

9:39

out, especially this is take home

9:41

value for anybody who in a relationship or

9:43

running a company's. Okay, when you ask a

9:46

question, you are priming the answer. So if

9:48

I drop an F bomb or

9:50

say the S word, in my question,

9:53

that automatically gives permission, though it might come

9:55

off as aggressive, but that gives permission for

9:57

the other person To respond also with

9:59

an F. Palmer as and therefore break the

10:01

rules of for family. If I ask a

10:03

formal question I will get a formal answer

10:05

see mask an informal class and I'll get

10:07

in for Lancer. The what I've learned from

10:09

the to what do you Want. Then

10:12

ask a question that can help you get what

10:14

we do, what you want. I'm not saying this

10:16

transactional, but if you want to have a real

10:18

conversation. Didn't. Ask the real question

10:20

is rooted in curiosity and have that addition

10:22

to ask. You know what the hell is

10:24

our biggest challenge right now and we think

10:26

that is and that's what to as we

10:29

give a lot of power in the question.

10:31

says. You're gonna go to your partner and said. Why

10:34

do we have a lack of trust in our

10:36

relationship? If you ask that question. A

10:38

you are saying that there's a lot

10:40

to trust is that those jewelry and

10:42

arbiter of choosing his lack of trust

10:44

and secondly you also giving them the

10:46

power. To. Beat Arbiter. Truth is you're

10:49

not saying why do you think A: Why do

10:51

you feel the same yeah, Why do we? Why

10:53

do we have a lack of trust? Yeah And

10:55

therefore they're going to say this And then they're

10:57

not arguing from their perspective. A feeling they're arguing

10:59

from as though the the Arbiter of truth yeah

11:02

and that was already setting up a conversation of

11:04

conflicts. That in said oh, it's Usa. Hey

11:06

why do you feel. That. I

11:08

feel we have a lack of

11:10

trust or least it's that's a

11:12

distinct difference and this idea of

11:14

allowing somebody to be an arbiter

11:16

of truth. Is that

11:19

said, You. Be used it.

11:21

Almost. As if it's an example of something

11:23

to avoid him as you guys sort of

11:26

the context for it. but that is a

11:28

huge issue. In you are.

11:30

Isn't. Any relationship in which.

11:33

Either because you have given that power.

11:35

Or. Because someone. Has taken

11:37

that power. To. Be the arbiter

11:40

of truth. In. This goes

11:42

to me. About as. Close

11:44

to the. Absolute. Foundation.

11:48

Of relationship. As.

11:50

Exists because. Because.

11:52

It's like the difference between. I.

11:55

Try to. Say. What

11:57

is True. versus. A.

12:00

What I Say. Is the

12:02

truth like I make the truth

12:04

by what I say vs I

12:06

try to. Express in my

12:08

would. An external fruit and that

12:10

is not. That is not nothing what

12:12

we're talking about. Blimp, Let me let

12:14

me articulate that and in the different

12:16

I think is. You can state

12:18

the truth that your experience and feeling.

12:21

Is much more difficult to see the truth of

12:23

our mutual experience had feeling. Well, I

12:25

wouldn't agree, right? Know it's it's just

12:28

it's just the difference between. Like I

12:30

mean, there is a kind of a

12:32

psychological way of reading and I dared.

12:34

It is in the Bible where you

12:36

say you had. The power of

12:39

the word, right? The redeeming word that

12:41

is to speak. What? You

12:43

really believe is true. That.

12:46

How important that is to try

12:48

to speak the truth as you

12:50

see it as you understand it

12:52

and then is another alternative way.

12:55

A completely contorted upside down idea.

12:57

which is it's like I am

12:59

God because ice what I say.

13:02

Is the truth by at the end zone has

13:04

been like six and one is and curious What

13:06

will one is objective in one is subjective to

13:08

set up and will you have the pressure when

13:10

you have the pressure of objective truth which means

13:12

is objective is to for you to for me

13:15

to for everyone that's a lot that's imposing a

13:17

lot of the truth on everyone else and the

13:19

research I can point of view I do little.

13:21

I do a beautiful little thing when I go

13:23

to go to schools. I talk about. Truth.

13:26

And. In in High Schools and Schools I pull out

13:28

a quarter. Right and. Our

13:30

whole the corridor between two

13:33

students. What? on either side

13:35

of a quarter or two different students and as

13:37

the suit him what he sees as a quarter.

13:39

I said the other students on Ios and what do

13:41

you see A quarter. Goalkeeper: Would

13:44

you really see they look at the say I

13:46

see a eagle. Bales. I

13:48

say the other one. I. See heads. Over.

13:51

Way Way Way way. You. Both see a

13:53

quarter right? Yes, But you see tales you see

13:55

heads towards the truth. Because. You seem

13:57

different things. And what I'm saying is. If

14:00

I ask them what you know if the

14:02

arbitrary years objective truth is this is your

14:04

feeling you're experiencing. You seen tales, you're seeing

14:06

heads. You know I'm seeing lack of trust

14:08

their I say I'm seeing This doesn't my

14:11

experience and will want to argue about. My.

14:13

Experience: We can argue about what are we doing about

14:15

it. Would you are you by why am

14:17

I having? It's right and I think there are a lot

14:19

of ties. By. The virtue by

14:21

Questions will trade up scenarios where. We

14:24

are gonna be and more conflict and one

14:26

around circle and then actually spending the energy

14:28

to resolve it or get closer hundred percent

14:31

if we're If we're speaking in terms of.

14:33

This is this is what

14:36

I say Is the truth?

14:38

Yes, Then it is inherently.

14:41

it's like. Crew

14:43

competition has been produced. Because

14:46

because now the fight is over,

14:48

who has the control of the

14:50

truth rather than let's understand you

14:53

to use have what your experiences

14:55

and outright make sense of what

14:57

you're saying and I'll share my

14:59

experiences. And and and let's each

15:02

make the mean. Beam. The

15:04

meaning makers what this mean for

15:06

each of us. Let's learn together

15:08

is a very different thing than

15:10

somebody just telling you what the

15:12

truth is and that exists exactly

15:14

Unless bring it home to the

15:16

power of the question. Yes, if

15:18

you ask someone. Wiser business

15:21

sailing, Wiser lot of bless your feeling.

15:23

Viewpoint. Them a position arbiter truth and

15:25

then the argument is around is that the

15:28

reason vs just by saying why do you

15:30

feel or why do you think. You're.

15:32

Not going to argue about whether that's you see,

15:34

that's their opinion. Great I got. And

15:36

so the power. The question is how we see

15:38

that because that saves the answer and the product

15:40

is that exists as I could. Does a gem

15:42

here and eat? Yeah, keep saying. So.

15:44

Quickly I I, I want to make

15:47

sure I'm not missing it. It's that

15:49

you add in the phrase. Why

15:51

do you feel. You know is

15:53

that is that what were what else we use

15:55

a my you feel y de when he feel

15:57

what is it the you feel about yeah spider.

16:00

You think that it's this what in your

16:02

opinion? What? Did you are what it

16:04

needed? This? What? What? In your experience? A hurry

16:06

up and. So. That's just

16:08

the slight things. And. That's

16:10

why I say the how quizzically say but

16:12

certain you we'll so much power. And.

16:15

How you seek the question. And. And

16:17

we can talk more about this because for

16:19

me, my suggests. My bottom line is we

16:21

should all stop looking for answers. And.

16:23

Was just. Focus. On years Yeah, training

16:25

better questions. This. Episode

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Going on this but buddhism story

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line here. So just in terms

18:46

of saving the courses as if

18:48

you start any question was is.

18:51

Our. Or do. Whatever.

18:53

Comes after that. That question is

18:55

asking a binary question. Is.

18:58

This the right thing to do. Are we

19:00

happy? You know do you want

19:02

to go to the to do this via

19:04

you are already by saying is or do

19:06

you already setting up an answer that's a

19:08

binary answer to Just be aware that like

19:10

if you can just trains the beginning of

19:12

steel hurry know still get a more interesting

19:14

answers. He started messing with what or how

19:17

or why. right? So

19:19

says the be aware that's when Amoeba power

19:21

The classes at we Cp answer pass away

19:23

with okay okay to saying on met though

19:25

so saying I'm at now. What

19:28

is the way you start a question?

19:30

If you. Are. Going to make

19:32

somebody else the arbiter of truth? How

19:34

for what is that? What? Will

19:36

you do well? We just said that

19:38

if you ask a question. With.

19:41

What's. In your experience has led you

19:43

to this. And why do you feel

19:45

the some? Why Do you have the

19:48

opinion that this is right? that adding

19:50

that removes. The. Dynamic of somebody

19:52

else being be arbitrary Truth So.

19:55

How do you ask? A. Bad

19:57

question. That make some the arbiter

19:59

of truth. It it just never. It's

20:01

just not put no no, would say none

20:03

of what. Why do we fight so much.

20:06

Know I wouldn't why we fight so

20:08

much. Wiser company sailing. Why?

20:10

Isn't this working? What? Should we do?

20:13

So. You're you're make bell questions are setting

20:15

you up is usually the arbiter of to

20:17

his decision making. What I was

20:19

suggesting he was his are and why? that's a

20:21

separate thing about yes, I know, as binary questions.

20:24

Yeah, Yeah, I understand that in

20:26

the difference between the binder and so on,

20:28

but I now that we're going into the

20:30

specific formulation of the question, I don't want

20:32

to miss this because yeah, we've been taught.

20:35

Most people have been taught. He. Thought

20:37

to ask questions. I. Don't think

20:39

very many people have been taught.

20:42

To. Formulate questions,

20:45

Really? How to formulate

20:47

them and and watch which.

20:50

Element of a Question will formulate

20:52

a certain kind of question. I

20:54

mean, even if you have, you

20:57

spent ten years doing something that

20:59

is unusual and it's rabb. But

21:01

if course, it's powerful. We say

21:03

that asking questions masses if we

21:06

say the asking the right questions

21:08

is suitably important, but then we

21:10

don't know how to construct questions.

21:13

I. Mean, that's that's that's a missing

21:15

piece. I mean, there are now. Gonna.

21:18

Give you it Right now. Five years. Top

21:20

Line Number One Still make a binary. We.

21:22

Just discussed that occurred to. This

21:24

is a big one. Are just hit the big one right

21:26

here to. In. The what Am I in the

21:28

context really? ship. Make. Sure that in

21:31

the question, you're acknowledging the two people

21:33

in the conversation of the people. Were

21:35

I mean by that? If I as you question Greg

21:37

what scares you. What? Gives you the most.

21:40

Okay and if you're of wife says Greg

21:42

was jersey the most and the bartender says

21:45

was gives you the most your answers the

21:47

same. It doesn't acknowledge the people asking the

21:49

question if instead I said greg waiting scares

21:51

us the most. What fears you?

21:53

think we share. If. I ask that

21:56

question in your wife I see the bartender.

21:58

You will answer those questions completely differently. Because

22:00

it acknowledges the relationship and the people, the number

22:02

two is that ask a question that acknowledges the

22:04

connection. We rarely do that in a questions. A

22:06

lot of the products out there like what you

22:09

think about love. Up. In

22:11

talk for hours about that has of do with me. When.

22:13

You think we've eighty. We feel about

22:15

love differently and same well it is

22:17

acknowledging or connection. So ask attention. That

22:20

knowledge is the people, the prisoners in

22:22

the conversation. Three. Questions saved

22:24

me answer why we shaping questions

22:26

that are disempowering and leaders to

22:28

a dark place and they are

22:30

not a constructive. Why? Do

22:32

we fight so much? Okay, you're my will. Give you

22:35

a litany of reasons why was I so much. But.

22:37

Like here: Courses Five: What's the biggest challenge or is

22:40

right now and what is a teaching us. Okay,

22:43

Was. A teaching us doesn't empowerment that

22:45

isn't a we can come out of

22:47

that riots. One hundred conflict make us

22:49

better artists. So. As. Courses: A

22:51

Constructive. For. Is. Trying.

22:54

To connect to disparate idea that we

22:56

don't normally put together. Greg.

22:58

What? Does earning money cost you? right?

23:01

We don't usually put earning money tossing

23:03

you something, you know, What? Does.

23:06

What? Is the douse? what's your favorite is

23:08

at these questions are not perfect and relationship

23:10

and gimme. But the good examples where me

23:12

by putting two things are separate together. What's

23:15

your favorite memory from your worst relationship? What?

23:17

Is your favorite memory from your worst relationship? How

23:19

often you think about that? Asking questions

23:22

or put two different is expected to different

23:24

know notes and the had. To. Get

23:26

in the brain. A. Flip side of that

23:28

is also asking questions in the summer you

23:30

love to your friend of call Rogers is

23:32

printing entities by putting the other person in

23:34

your shoes or them in your ears. Greg.

23:37

We think is the hardest thing being your friend. Now

23:39

you the think about them in related to

23:41

you and what must be their experience being

23:43

your friend. Asking questions or put

23:45

other people in each other, She was treated

23:47

radio empathy and understanding. And last,

23:49

when we ask these questions less or come out,

23:51

it was an agenda. Or

23:54

this much harder for someone to really answer, be

23:56

bomb on share and actually be open if you

23:58

put them up against the law. So.

24:00

Those are five things. What? What Was

24:02

the very last one? I've been taking? The

24:05

agenda agenda? Don't. Don't

24:07

com a somewhat an agenda look as a joke

24:09

and lowers the see. Don't ask a question You

24:11

don't know the answer to our times in a

24:13

relationship. Whenever you're in stupid so it as you

24:15

question you know you could see or the dairy

24:17

know the as to and they're setting you up

24:19

like his address. Move. You're. Not really

24:21

going to answer the question. You're just playing chess now. So.

24:24

We are you going to ask questions?

24:26

Is static camera place of curiosity without

24:28

an agenda? Actually really green space. For.

24:30

Them to be who they are, An answer it

24:32

and what what's way the shoe for them. Yeah.

24:35

I think I I wondered just. Think.

24:37

About that last question. I've been

24:39

thinking a lot about. The

24:41

Balance. Between. That.

24:44

That the tension between.

24:47

Having an agenda. And

24:49

being open. And and that's

24:51

it. is a subtle. Difference.

24:54

Because obviously there is a difference between having

24:56

no a gender and and being open. but

24:58

I just was listening to a conversation. With

25:01

a diplomat who expressed it this way:

25:03

as a diplomat, you're leaving and representing

25:05

a country. So. You have to

25:07

still remember he said what team you're

25:10

on while also being completely open to

25:12

the people that you're there, what you're

25:14

learning and I thought that tension was

25:16

lose something useful in in maintaining. that's

25:19

because in life we do have these

25:21

agenda so it's may be something like

25:23

for me Now be aware of your

25:26

agenda. You. Know hold back here

25:28

or maybe you shelves the agenda for

25:30

while. But. You are aware of

25:32

it and then construct. Okay now I want

25:34

to learn and understand something like that. But

25:36

the difference between the yeah Olga I'm I'm

25:38

giving and I'm limes. I'm offering people the

25:40

guidelines for how to have a conversation with

25:42

the people there, intimate with practice for my

25:44

up intimates to that they can we and

25:46

deep in a relationship. If you're going to

25:48

have an association or as I used under

25:50

that he has ended as intense but in

25:52

of you're gonna have a negotiation. Are you

25:54

going to had the to be a diplomat?

25:56

Fergus a seed Bible Hope you have an

25:58

agenda and using a. A game at a different

26:00

kind of game. right? And as what

26:03

I'm saying is like if you're going to your partner

26:05

are you going to someone that you work with the

26:07

you want of a deep relationship with is not just

26:09

transactional. we need to ask questions come from plays a

26:11

curiosity with outage and because everyone feels when his agenda

26:14

and they don't open they closed. Well I don't know

26:16

why it matters much to me. But

26:18

it seems to me that it is having

26:20

his agenda. but the agenda is the relationship

26:22

and so it's not. having a private agenda

26:25

is having an intent. I want to ask

26:27

them the Us I think list that is

26:29

parsed that at think that when we should

26:31

give a distinction would create one here. The

26:34

probably is a great once between agenda and

26:36

intention. And. they might have. My

26:38

intention here is to have a deep

26:40

a conversation, how we do it and

26:42

how we get there. I don't have

26:44

an agenda for. Right? Oftentimes

26:46

a relationship? Is he right? My intensive.

26:49

So that's why I guess. The.

26:51

Out of the agenda might be the outcome

26:53

and how, but the attention? What sets the

26:55

space That should be clear and that could

26:57

be right? Selects So sometimes. Yeah.

27:00

That I think is a big distinction. So

27:02

for our conversation at least here with saying

27:04

and agenda is. I. Already have

27:06

the outcome. The solution to

27:08

the thing that I want already ready.

27:10

and I'm just going through a pretense

27:13

of a conversation before trying to make

27:15

sure that you come to the conclusion

27:17

I've already come to. So that's what

27:19

we mean by Agenda and Vs Intense.

27:21

and I do think those a nice

27:23

ways of passing this and certainly enabling

27:25

us to understand who we are, what

27:27

we mean and intent is. Look, I

27:30

want to come up with solutions. I

27:32

want it rich enrich our relationship, but

27:34

I haven't defined that with has to

27:36

be this way. This is. Beyond

27:38

sir prior to the conversation

27:40

so that I love that

27:43

watch. What other specific

27:45

go to use went through

27:47

these five criteria? Or.

27:50

Question. Selection.

27:53

But. You. Have said in

27:55

addition to that to specific. You.

27:57

Know micro skills for.

28:00

Actual formation of the questions like

28:02

so the criteria you've just given

28:04

me is is. Criteria.

28:07

By which I could judge a question

28:09

and it certainly intent that I could

28:11

have. But you have

28:13

an expertise beyond this. Because.

28:16

Because. For example, and binary you said

28:18

well, if it, if you, if you're using. We

28:21

just get his are doing here right.

28:23

If you if you but you say

28:26

is our do you're asking a binary

28:28

questions and how why what How like

28:30

watch when. When.

28:33

Means. That you're making the other person the

28:35

arbiter of. Truth or none. None No

28:37

Not no, No No No no. Nanette. Go

28:39

on adventures it has. Between that the not

28:41

carry a binary answer, there's gonna be some

28:43

type of specific answer. The. Arbiter to

28:45

some. Just listen what is or what

28:47

are disco does. Add de Cinco de

28:49

Sealer in your opinion. Just add those

28:51

bits and then. He. Has his

28:53

Yuvraj their own subjective truth? Yeah, yeah,

28:56

okay. I love that said. really the

28:58

difference is adding those little extras before,

29:00

but those it that those are Now

29:02

we're almost. At a sort

29:04

of mad lib level of understanding

29:06

when you have. Deconstructed to

29:09

that level because now somebody

29:11

else to pick up those

29:13

tools and immediately apply them.

29:16

To a question but the ones that them

29:18

about get that's why the boat is great

29:20

is because when we learned this. Where.

29:22

Do we actually learn out better conversations? as

29:24

been a Questions. We. Don't. What

29:27

other? Deconstructed

29:29

Madlib level.

29:32

Tools. To you have. For.

29:34

Formulating questions that support

29:37

these five criteria for

29:39

great courses: Me: The

29:41

other two I have is more for individual

29:43

questioning. Go. Happens when you're stymied.

29:46

So. I have three tools for what you do

29:48

when you stymied. Me: Of a challenge and

29:50

this all comes back to. Don't focus on

29:52

the answer. Focus. On the question. So.

29:56

How are in? This happened so lot of us we

29:58

are stuck in that we we cannot. The call

30:00

on this question. You're. Stuck in a

30:02

question. Where. Should we live? What?

30:04

Are we going to do about this? What? Are we

30:06

gonna in a what's you to our strategy? Be what?

30:09

What Is the mission of the company? Where.

30:11

Should we go? invitation. Which. I do

30:13

the remaining ten years of my life. right?

30:15

Okay, But. How do I?

30:17

How do I build my business to go at

30:20

or ever. Okay, Well.

30:22

You're stymied. You think about that for hours.

30:24

You're running in circles. You're dead as a

30:26

stop. To. Stop. It's not the so

30:28

helpful. Take. All your attention and

30:30

put it on the question. Focus on the

30:32

question and tweet a better question. A

30:34

set of thinking about how and what you think

30:36

about why. And. You go back to the now

30:39

have three ways to do a number one. When.

30:41

I'm I just had a phone conversation with someone and

30:43

the said look allied want to spend time talking about

30:45

attacked he says he just we don't even know if

30:47

that's what you really want to do. In

30:49

the zoo that is, Do this. Do I

30:51

tell me was great? Fifty cousins and there's

30:53

three parts to a really good person that

30:55

you ask yourself. One. Is time?

30:58

He. Was an aspect attacks to some a free

31:00

blink feals the first field his time in three

31:02

months in two weeks and five years in ten

31:04

years In the next twenty five years and next

31:07

six weeks a cassette in sealed his. Has

31:09

made me feel. Final: Challenge:

31:11

Get uncomfortable Safe. Secure.

31:14

right? Vibrant, Physically. Whatever.

31:16

Feel that second. The. Third one is

31:19

how does it affect others? Supports my

31:21

commute. He makes much support. My family

31:23

inspires others more intimate with my life.

31:25

When my partner your elevate the workplace

31:27

itself. it supports others. It affects others.

31:29

The first was time. Second one is

31:31

how I feel. The third one is

31:34

how it affects others. Great fifty questions

31:36

when you just put in different things.

31:38

Windows, Three slots. And then

31:40

look at those lists of thirty to

31:42

fifty questions and circle the one that

31:45

you want to answer, one that your

31:47

most inspired by. And I promise

31:49

you the answer will be that much. It will

31:51

be so clear. Skeletor. Eighty

31:53

five percent, right? The. In your first

31:55

book. That. Insisting.

31:57

All the energy on the answer. That.

32:00

The basics? none of those up. focus on

32:02

a great question street agree question and the

32:04

answer will be clear. It'll be

32:06

my instead of you know you'll have you crazy

32:08

as he then. And. So was want

32:10

our. That's. One of the three to the

32:13

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33:27

Okay, that's. That's what

33:29

the book primarily is. Certainly that's the

33:31

way the book is framed. Twelve questions

33:34

that you know for for love. but

33:36

there is this of the competence. Which.

33:39

Is. Question. Formation

33:41

and Formulation and puree son and

33:43

I think that's extremely valuable. I

33:45

really think this is a certainly

33:48

something I am absolutely taken with.

33:50

It's something I'm research right now.

33:53

It's something I'm studying. I

33:55

mean, it is already. Valuable

33:58

to remind p. You

34:00

just did. Ask. Better

34:02

questions. Remember, don't focus only on the answers,

34:04

look back at the questions and then you

34:07

can up the ante by saying wouldn't just

34:09

ask more questions. Asked. The.

34:11

Right questions you know, such as

34:13

quantity. it's quality of questions of

34:15

it. All of that's right, but

34:17

it's so much telling. Okay,

34:20

great, let's ask the right

34:22

questions. Now. Watch. There's not

34:24

much that's been written that I

34:26

have been able to get my

34:28

hands on that really deconstructs. How

34:31

to ask? Better. Questions

34:33

You know it's It's more

34:35

like somebody has found that

34:37

somebody else asked a good

34:40

question. As a well I I

34:42

you know I've learned that is really useful

34:44

to ask me. This is my own example

34:46

as really useful to ask teams and individuals

34:48

what is your essential In tenth what is

34:50

the one most important thing the priority you

34:53

want to achieve of the next As had

34:55

a time and so on. While that questions

34:57

already been formulated it's it exists and I'm

34:59

offering. It's like the by the business cards

35:01

or the other rather the cook cards that

35:03

you have your business amp But to teach.

35:06

People how to construct

35:09

questions. That can

35:11

open up. New possibilities

35:13

and can guide them. Thank you.

35:15

So that's it. I'm betting the

35:17

yeah, that's the initial. A

35:19

bit of the book is twelve Questions Loves Yes you

35:21

can ask you to have questioned Yes I have an

35:24

incredible conversations but what's more important is not the you're

35:26

sitting the fish but did you learn how to fish

35:28

their how to construct a questions you learn the power

35:30

of the questions were put your energy and attention. And

35:32

that's really the the reason I find it so

35:34

important that. I hope Busied supplies the

35:37

utility of the book. It's. Your next

35:39

issue next project though because the frame

35:41

and will matter. right? Might help

35:43

and I don't know the

35:45

right precise framing be you

35:47

because I don't know. I.

35:50

Don't know? how were the connective tissue

35:52

nice to exist between web people You

35:54

know your future readers will be. So

35:57

that they understand Yes, I need to know how to

35:59

use. The questions but. I'm thinking

36:02

of the the book this done well

36:04

in his his it's got a more

36:06

beautiful question. I mean that that alone

36:08

is the that's an attempt at what

36:10

we're talking about but I think. I

36:13

think. It's I think the book

36:15

we discussing right now does not exist. The

36:18

actual. Structure.

36:21

You know, like you you you don't say to

36:23

people. Write. An essay before

36:25

you say. Here are letters.

36:27

Here are words. Here is a

36:29

sentence. Here's. How to describe the

36:32

percent as his as construct a paragraph. Here's

36:34

how it's destruction, an argument, a thesis, His

36:36

how you build the evidence. Now you can

36:38

do an essay. You can't jump to write

36:40

an essay, but this is what we do

36:42

with questions we say. Well it is like

36:45

we'd we'd it off it after having that

36:47

are people. Twenty years in

36:49

education? Maybe not as much as twenty

36:51

maybe was saying more like. Fifty.

36:53

As sixty years of Edge Case,

36:55

it's now. It's. Not about answer questions

36:58

about now you need to. For

37:01

years to come up with questions. Then

37:03

as far as we go, I don't

37:05

think we construct. The we

37:08

do not give the tools

37:10

with somebody can construct. A.

37:12

Question The Lego this brings of question make them

37:14

get ago has I know? yes that's me going

37:16

has been going back to my pointless of what

37:18

are we learned This. Because. There's a

37:20

great deal of power in the yielding of the question.

37:23

As a one reason why we don't lands in school.

37:25

We. Don't Other than what you modeling your family's

37:27

a one not can family groups is because as

37:29

a lot of power in the the answer A

37:32

by the question. And so. A

37:34

lot of us are asking society program

37:36

questions. I agree with that.

37:39

Yes, Yes cause me and I you

37:41

would you say about because there's a question is

37:43

will be around with you is yeah yeah I

37:45

use it's your next book. Is this what you're

37:47

saying? Are you setting up at your book is

37:49

innocent until proven right? Questions: Is that what you're

37:51

saying Us there. Is this the A chapter. That.

37:54

I am currently I've been working

37:56

on for years, but I am

37:58

currently working on. Un. Specifically.

38:01

On questions and formulating them and so

38:04

on. But. In the

38:06

process of doing it and now. Because

38:09

we're having this conversation as

38:11

well, I am more animated.

38:13

Within. Myself for more convicted that

38:15

we simply don't have it and

38:18

and I think although I think

38:20

it is as many reasons that

38:23

schools teach people how to answer

38:25

questions. As. Lots of reasons for

38:27

that. I think one of the reasons

38:29

that you don't. Reward for

38:32

questions. Is because it's

38:34

just. Like. We just don't have a

38:36

curriculum for it. But the

38:38

powers yielded by the question asked her. As

38:41

well I don't San Mateo, so

38:43

if that's true, then okay, maybe

38:45

you. Definitely, It may may be.

38:48

It's by design that you don't. Offer.

38:51

Me a question we formulation friends. but

38:53

but I'm not convinced that the people

38:55

who are creating the curriculum for schools.

38:58

Oh. No no no are ya themselves.

39:01

But if you actually then challenge

39:03

them with you there can get

39:05

a pay You now have a

39:07

a million dollars to write a

39:09

post on how to construct questions

39:11

you know as as elementary as

39:13

hear a letters here are words,

39:16

year is a sentence his paragraph

39:18

like can spill. Being up to

39:20

how you put us the right

39:22

questions I'm not convinced. That

39:24

they could do it and they put me

39:26

to go well, look at work on it.

39:28

But it's it's It's just an area of

39:30

knowledge I think that has been. Is.

39:32

It a pass or less traveled

39:35

by. Yeah, I. Mean I agree

39:37

of as I'm a witness a that bio the

39:39

production we have when people walk into a rumor

39:41

when I hear back about people playing the and

39:43

card games ago while desire. Is incredible.

39:45

Questions I have a Ssd for and therefore

39:47

year mind which is there to serve an

39:50

answer. The question. Is down

39:52

any sticky throw? State. Being a

39:54

question of find the answer to the oh I

39:56

haven't. i haven't been distract before

39:58

i will take the to ideas I haven't

40:00

asked that of myself before. Oh

40:02

my God, look at the room of exploration here. Now

40:05

put that in the context of a relationship. Oh

40:07

my God, look at this connection. We was there, but we

40:09

didn't see, we didn't feel. And that

40:11

gives you vibrancy. That gives you resilience, that

40:13

gives you fulfillment of your life and of

40:15

your relationship. And that's why it's worthwhile having

40:17

these conversations. I

40:20

love all of it. I really could go

40:22

geek out further and go deeper on these

40:24

questions. Or I think you know, then we've

40:27

been able to tap into in this conversation. Carry

40:30

us through with this movie, the different acts

40:32

of the 12 questions. So we were in

40:34

the middle of the second act. And so

40:36

we just went to question five, which was

40:38

one of the biggest challenges in our relationship

40:40

right now. What do you think it's

40:42

teaching us? Then we go to number six, which is the

40:44

end of act two. It's what is

40:47

the sacrifice you feel you've made

40:49

that I haven't acknowledged? And

40:51

why do you think that is? What is

40:53

the sacrifice you feel you've made? So

40:55

it's not that you've made, you feel you made it. So

40:58

there's not argument over where it was made, right? That

41:01

I haven't acknowledged. So then it's, and

41:03

this is interesting because I haven't acknowledged it. They say, well,

41:05

you haven't acknowledged it, but there's a little

41:07

kind of safe keeping here in

41:09

the shape of the question. And

41:11

why do you think that is? Because that

41:13

puts the person who's answering in my shoes

41:15

that didn't acknowledge it. Right? So

41:18

I can go deep and say you didn't acknowledge it because

41:21

you know, you're a narcissist or you're this or that,

41:23

that, that, that. Like you pro and

41:25

why do I think you did that? Well maybe because

41:27

you know, it reminds you of this trauma as a

41:29

kid or maybe because in the past relationship or maybe

41:31

because you're so busy at work, you didn't realize it.

41:34

So it creates a space of empathy because it's balanced and

41:37

therefore because it's balanced, it also allows you to go deeper. So

41:40

those are the three questions that in act

41:42

two and what do you notice? Has

41:44

it been something that we haven't brought like to

41:47

biggest challenges right now. What's it teaching us? Right?

41:50

And then what happens to the small thing that

41:52

doesn't get addressed? What happens to the big thing

41:54

that doesn't get addressed now and someone don't just

41:57

solve it as a sacrifice or take a bigger,

41:59

then it becomes. of sacrifice that we didn't

42:01

acknowledge and that becomes a big thing that's

42:03

basically a cancer growing. So that

42:05

second act is how do we deal with

42:07

these small growing conflicts in cancer

42:09

scum? Now we've dealt around

42:11

that. Now we step into what I call

42:14

the climax, act three. The

42:16

peak is number seven. What is the pain in

42:18

me you wish you could heal and why? And

42:20

this is really, there's always a pause. And this is what

42:23

the book is. I'm taking you through the book. And

42:25

I referenced in the book, like here is

42:28

an example of a pair from our library

42:30

of 12 and asking this question. You

42:32

can watch them here. You can see and you

42:34

can see throughout our, you know, answers often. There's

42:36

an example of what happens when you ask that

42:38

question. And if you think about it,

42:40

so there's an expression that eight is what is one experience you

42:42

wish we never had and why. So that's the climax. Those are

42:45

the two peak. Now we need to start

42:47

lining the plane. We've gone there. We've

42:49

really shared something vulnerable. Now we go to question nine,

42:51

I call landing the plane

42:54

act four. What do you think you're

42:56

learning from me? What do you think you're learning from

42:59

me? This is an opportunity for gratitude,

43:01

for acknowledgement, for appreciation, because at the

43:03

end of the day, this other person is

43:06

there with you. They're sitting through that discomfort,

43:08

that uncomfortable conversation. Number 10, second

43:10

part of landing the plane of act four. What is

43:12

one experience you can't wait for us to share and

43:14

why? This is talking about the future. Where

43:17

are we going together? Right? Now

43:20

we start resolving at the very end. And

43:22

these are, these two last questions are,

43:24

in my opinion, essential to ask to go to the

43:27

very beginning of part one that you spoke about, which

43:29

is how do we know if we live the life

43:31

that matters? How do we say the things that are

43:33

so important? Because it's so temporal. 11,

43:36

if this were our last conversation, what

43:38

would you never want me to forget? This

43:40

was our last conversation. What would, because what

43:42

would you never want me to forget? Let's

43:44

go there. Why are we waiting until some disaster happens?

43:47

And then maybe you'll tell me then, no, we don't

43:49

have that luxury. Let's share that

43:51

now. And by the way, that answer can

43:53

change every week, every year, something new happens. And

43:56

the last one is why do you love me? Yeah,

43:58

they're just so good. The so

44:01

good and and

44:03

the construction of them as a movie

44:06

storyline, past, present,

44:09

future, there's a bit of future,

44:12

is itself, you know, well

44:14

designed. Something that I've

44:17

an exercise I've run all over the world with with

44:20

organizations includes an

44:23

eight minute process where they

44:26

first graphically draw down their life from

44:29

this point from the time of their

44:31

birth till now, and then they share

44:33

it with each other. It's

44:35

a very succinct experience. And

44:38

it's I think about it like a

44:40

strategic narrative. You are, you know, it's

44:42

passed up to the present and you

44:45

just suddenly see a whole version of

44:47

somebody that isn't captured in their job

44:49

title, which is often as deep

44:51

as we get in our understanding of somebody in

44:53

a work environment. And

44:56

what you outline, what you're outlining for is

44:58

in this book and in this conversation is

45:00

a strategic narrative for

45:03

the relationship. And

45:05

so that's such a useful thing

45:07

to add. You

45:11

know, if you're in a work environment, okay, fine, maybe you just

45:13

need to learn about each other. Just what's

45:16

your story? You don't have the origin story

45:18

in the same way as you do in

45:20

an intimate relationship and a close relationship. But

45:23

that's what it seems to me that

45:25

you're doing. And it just just so

45:28

useful, so well constructed and opens

45:30

my mind to a lot of a lot of

45:32

applications in my life and in

45:34

the groups that I work with. And

45:37

I just loved every moment of

45:39

our conversation. So thank you

45:41

for being with us again on the podcast. It's

45:44

a pleasure. It's a really pleasure. Thank you so much for

45:46

this. This is awesome. For everybody listening, you

45:48

know the questions. What is something that stood

45:50

out to you today? What

45:54

did you hear? What did you think

45:56

about? What did you feel? Secondly,

45:58

what is Your story? Something you

46:00

can do now. How can you apply

46:03

this in the next Five minutes? Ten

46:05

minutes. Certainly. Today.

46:08

The you can initiate something with

46:10

somebody. Maybe it's getting these that

46:12

you know this cod get. Maybe

46:14

it's getting one of the that

46:16

the card games ordering that that

46:18

would certainly spot this conversation. To

46:20

continue, the book is twelve Questions

46:22

Philip. It's an unusually great position

46:24

for you because you can get

46:26

the book and then you can

46:28

have the cons to go with

46:30

it. So you will really understand

46:33

a sequence of these questions. Why

46:35

to ask them so much more

46:37

than you would ever get in

46:39

the game alone. But together what

46:41

a great combination. These on that

46:43

is marvelous. Me from a marvelous

46:45

individual award winner in every way.

46:47

but now with an award winning

46:49

book. Twelve Questions beloved. Go order

46:51

at right now. Go get it

46:53

immediately and who will you have

46:55

that conversation with so that you

46:57

can continue this conversation at that?

47:00

This conversation. Has come for

47:02

us. Thank you Really thank you

47:04

for. This.

47:17

Episode is party but he got media

47:19

podcast network. I'm ah ah Cel

47:21

of the award winning digital media empire

47:23

Yeah Media and host of Yap Young

47:25

and Popping Podcast a number one entrepreneurship

47:28

and self improvement podcast where you can

47:30

listen, learn and profit. On Young and

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