0:05

Hey everyone, it's Chelsea Van Buskirk with the Heart AF podcast.

0:08

Hope you guys are all doing well. So I don't know if you guys know this, but I just came up on the year anniversary

0:14

of this podcast, which is pretty cool.

0:16

I launched that first episode in the beginning of August of 2022.

0:21

So I know I haven't had them going weekly like I had for the first I

0:27

don't know, six or seven months, I think, of the show because of all the

0:30

shit that's been going on this year. I'm getting back to it, right?

0:33

Like we're going, I'm trying to. keep it up so I can get things going more consistently again.

0:40

Anyway I also had a birthday, so that's fun.

0:43

36 now. So that's pretty cool. Birthdays are a little tough for me.

0:47

With not having, either of my parents here, it's always

0:50

A little hard for me, right? A little emotional I get on my birthdays.

0:54

Especially since my mother when she passed away was in 2009.

0:58

I had just turned 22, and she passed away right after my birthday that year.

1:03

And So that anniversary always has been intertwined with my birthday

1:07

and it took some time to let go of some guilt I felt from that.

1:12

I feel like I've come a long way since then, but it's still just one of those

1:15

things where it is a little bit more emotionally heavy around my birthday.

1:18

And then the fact that my dad is no longer here is probably even more

1:23

heavy because I was a daddy's girl.

1:27

Me and my dad were very close and he was somebody that always

1:30

made my birthday, extra special.

1:33

He would call and usually play me a birthday song.

1:37

And, always got me really awesome gifts and, just was always super thoughtful.

1:42

I think it's cause, being that he was in a wheelchair, like giving gifts

1:46

was probably one of the ways that he was able to show love, just not being

1:49

able to really do anything physically.

1:52

He was able to, kind of show things by, gift giving.

1:55

And I miss those little gestures or, he have actually, Hold on.

2:00

There's an array of gifts right here from over the years from him,

2:04

whether it was Mother's Day or my birthday or probably those two.

2:08

Those are the two things that he normally would give me gifts for.

2:10

But I just miss him a lot and it just becomes very apparent around my birthday.

2:14

And so that becomes heavy. And, even like the weeks leading up, it's been strange where You know, I've

2:19

been, if you've listened to one of the episodes, I think it was, last, around

2:22

last winter where I was seeing my dad's initials on license plates, that's usually

2:27

a sign I take from him, just saying he's around, he's still here, watching over

2:32

and, I still see those every now and again and always like a little gentle

2:35

reminder about him that he's around and, I feel like it comes and goes in waves

2:39

where maybe, it's not that I don't think about him constantly, but I don't let

2:44

myself remember a lot of stuff because then I just get really sad, and we were

2:48

on a camping trip recently where it was like he was just everywhere, right?

2:52

There's things kept popping up that were like reminiscent of my dad where

2:56

the people we were camping with, they lived outside of Pueblo, which

2:59

is where my dad went to college. And then it turns out the guy that we were camping with his cousins with

3:03

the guy my dad played football with. And then my dad's old best friend happened to call me because he was in town.

3:08

And actually this football, he brought me this football.

3:11

This was a football that him and my dad used to practice with.

3:14

When they were kids and growing up and playing football

3:16

together through high school. And so it was really cool that he gave me that football.

3:20

Just all these things, that are just your dad, right?

3:23

And then my husband's aunt asked us when we were camping with these people because

3:27

they were asking questions about my dad. And. She just brought up, they had such a special, relationship and, they talked

3:33

about his accident a little bit. And so then the people I'd never met before asking questions,

3:37

how did your dad get hurt? What, what's the story.

3:39

And and so rehashing some of those details that, I haven't really.

3:43

Dwelled on in a while was also emotional and I just have been really sadly

3:47

just really missing him just, wishing I could talk to him on the phone.

3:51

And so I was going for a walk and I have some voicemails still

3:55

saved on my phone from him. And I wish I had saved older ones, but the ones that I have only go

4:00

back to 2017 and and he died in 2021.

4:03

In 2017, he had just got over a significant illness where his speech

4:07

had been affected from that illness and you can hear him, trying to enunciate

4:11

words and, things like that and just, listening to the way his speech was,

4:15

how it was at that time and listening to his voice and then I have a voicemail

4:21

from the night he went into the hospital right before he passed away.

4:24

And I was staying at his house and it's a minute long voicemail

4:28

because he would always call me.

4:30

Like we had these baby monitors. So when I would stay at his house, he would have the baby monitor and he would

4:34

call me, through the baby monitor, if he needed something like during the

4:37

night, it could be, he wanted his sheet pulled down cause he was too hot or

4:41

he wanted the sheet pulled up cause he was cold or, usually one of those

4:44

things or like his mask had, he had a CPAP mask, and maybe he like hit it

4:49

or it got, off his nose or whatever. So he would need his mask adjusted, things like that.

4:53

And so sometimes the baby monitor wouldn't always work or I wouldn't hear it.

4:57

And so he would use his like Alexa to call me.

5:00

And so that was the way that he reached out to me a lot.

5:02

So it'd be like 10 30 at night and he'd call from Alexa.

5:05

So he had called me. And it was on my voicemail, which I was in the room at that time, but it just,

5:11

it recorded this, three minute kind of scene from that night and I was listening

5:15

to it as I was going for my walk. Just reminiscing, like wanting to hear his voice, right?

5:19

And listening to his voice as I was walking that morning, I could

5:27

hear how much in pain he was, and I had listened to this voicemail.

5:33

I used to listen to it a lot, right after he passed, but for whatever reason, at

5:37

this time, listening to the voicemails, even in 2017, in 2018, in 2019, like the

5:43

struggle in his voice, and then hearing it that night that he went into the hospital

5:48

and never made it home I had this...

5:50

Realization on how hard he had fought to keep living for me and how hard that was

6:01

because he was very much struggling in his body and the way his voice sounded

6:08

that night broke my heart a little bit listening to it, this time because it was

6:14

like that realization He was in pain.

6:17

He had been struggling to live for a while.

6:20

He had lived with his physical impairments being a quadriplegic

6:24

for over 30 years, and he got to do all the things that he didn't think

6:30

he was going to be able to, right? He fought to see me through high school.

6:34

He fought to see me graduate college.

6:37

He fought to see me give birth to all of his grandchildren.

6:42

He fought to be there to roll me down the wedding aisle and have that

6:47

father daughter dance at my wedding. And I know that was important to him.

6:51

I literally have conversations. Saved.

6:55

And that was actually, that's an odd thing to say that we had a conversation saved.

6:59

So it wasn't a saved conversation, but it was a saved text message that

7:03

I had sent my cousin after me and my dad had this conversation privately.

7:09

He had been diagnosed with colon cancer and they were pushing

7:13

him to do some chemotherapy, which we were both in agreement.

7:17

We really didn't want him to do it because we thought that would just.

7:19

end his life even quicker and give him a low quality of life while he

7:23

was going through those treatments. It wasn't really worth it in this scenario that it was probably better to just, do

7:30

the scans and blood work every six months and just let him live out his life the

7:36

best he can with what he has left, right? That was our, decision we had come to.

7:40

And and having that conversation, he had said, He wasn't afraid to die that

7:45

the only thing he was afraid of Was leaving me behind because he knew that

7:51

I didn't have anybody left, right? Like my mom is gone You know, my grandparents are gone.

7:56

Like he's one of the only pieces of family, direct family that I have And

8:02

I assured him that I'd be okay, and so for whatever reason hearing his voice

8:06

on that voicemail and hearing, The struggle, the pain in in his voice made

8:11

me feel a little guilty because I so selfishly did want to keep him around, I

8:16

liked having him around and to be being grateful and that he did fight so hard

8:22

and you wanted to stay here for me, right?

8:25

And it wasn't just me. There was other people my two cousins that he wanted to stay around for and

8:31

his caretaker, Jake, he wanted to stay around for, I think that was really,

8:34

that was probably the hardest thing for him was knowing he would be leaving

8:38

all of us physically behind, right?

8:41

And at the same time oh my gosh, what a man that he hung on for so long and

8:44

all the things that he struggled with living in this physical world and

8:48

probably how free he is to be where he is now and being able to still be

8:52

part of our lives in a different way, he's still around, but it's just, it's

8:56

different for us who are still living in this plane, if you will, but anyway,

9:00

it was just a sad, but also beautiful realization of how we can have these

9:07

big feelings, whether it's grief after you've lost someone or a relationship

9:11

that has ended that didn't, you know, end the way that you wanted it to we can get

9:15

so focused on our own selfish feelings.

9:18

In that relationship, we don't always acknowledge what it was like for the

9:23

other person or what their side of the story is or what things that they

9:27

were compromising or sacrificing for the relationship with you, right?

9:32

Because it's hard to know. And especially if we don't always communicate clearly, right?

9:37

But also I don't think my dad would ever say Hey, I'm like ready to be free of

9:41

these physical struggles I'm dealing with. I'm just holding on and sacrificing that because of you, that's not something

9:46

that my dad would have said to me ever. So there's certain things where you don't really tell people.

9:50

So think about how often you might sacrifice or compromise

9:52

something for yourself or someone else because you love them.

9:55

Or you're trying to show them love or do something for them and I think, we

9:57

don't always realize the things that they might be doing on their end, too, right?

10:02

I talked in an episode recently about how, we can get sucked into being the

10:05

victim and, wanting to be right and thinking the other person's wrong and

10:09

just getting so caught up in wanting to prove the fact that we're right

10:12

and they're wrong that we we lose track of maybe the absolute truth.

10:15

There's our truth and then there's another person's truth, right?

10:18

I've lost a few friendships this year that have been pretty hard.

10:21

They were significant friendships. But I do think that, things happen and people will vibrate out of your life

10:27

as you grow and change yourself, right? It's just a natural thing that happens.

10:30

And sometimes it might not be your choice or maybe it is or, things just happen

10:35

I think the way that they're meant to happen and sometimes they can be painful

10:38

and we can blame or we can try to create stories in our head about, However,

10:43

we wanted to see the situation, they have a side of their story also, right?

10:46

Have you seen those posts where it's you might be like the villain

10:49

in someone else's story, but a hero in another one, things like that.

10:53

You can't change how people are going to think and feel about you.

10:56

And , I know I started off on this kind of sad situation with, my grief with my dad,

11:00

but in certain things we can be like angry or mad or sad without really realizing

11:06

the extent of how the other person was feeling on the other end too, right?

11:10

Like almost having a greater type of empathy for other people and

11:15

what their side of the story is or what they were dealing with.

11:18

Even for like my mom and her passing, like there was a lot

11:21

of anger on my side, right? Like a lot of anger, like, why did you live the life that you did?

11:25

Like, why did you make these choices? And, like you could have gotten better and ... She couldn't, right?

11:32

And I don't know how she was then.

11:34

Maybe she tried. Maybe, we don't, I don't know.

11:37

But I know that where she is now, she's finally free.

11:41

from the demons. She was fighting here physically, right?

11:44

And I think, every person on this planet, like we literally just do the best we can

11:49

with what we know at any given moment.

11:52

And, life is a journey.

11:55

I believe that, we choose things from a different place before we're born, right?

12:01

Like our souls Choose to experience certain life lessons for our soul

12:06

growth, the types of people that come in and out of our lives that we choose

12:10

our parents, the types of parents we are going to have and the experiences

12:14

like it's all meant for some kind of higher lesson, and it could be a lesson

12:20

on the physical plane, or it could just be your soul's lesson to evolve into,

12:24

something else, like getting put into this human experience to learn something,

12:28

to gain something, to Have an impact.

12:31

There's studies of this, but, I've heard where, certain souls, literally

12:34

their purpose for coming into a life is for another soul's lesson.

12:37

Like their brief soul journey on in this lifetime might have just been

12:42

for another soul's experience, right?

12:45

Like they their time on here was meant to be brief. It was meant to come in and help other souls with their journeys.

12:51

And as humans, That's hard, right?

12:54

It's still hard for humans to do, right? Like we don't always have that ability to tap into that

12:59

kind of knowledge or knowing.

13:02

It is there deep inside, but it's really hard to take away all the physical

13:07

layers of our minds to really wrap around some of these things to realize that

13:12

they were meant for our soul growth.

13:14

They were meant for our for our higher selves, our higher evolution, however

13:18

you want to say it, they're meant to bring us back to that, divine power, that

13:23

connection to know that we aren't alone, that we all come from the same space.

13:27

you always analyze certain like tragedies and things like people

13:30

say, why would God let this happen? Things like that. And, it's not really, I believe it's not, God who's doing these things, it's humans.

13:35

It's humans that are using their human things, right?

13:39

Our human experiences. And that's the humanness in us, right?

13:43

That we get these angry feelings and, whatever.

13:46

Evil stuff, that's not God. That's not where we come from.

13:49

That's darkness. That's humanness. That's stuff where we get sucked in.

13:52

Where we're not letting any light in. And we're closed off.

13:55

And, I can go really deep and all that kind of stuff, but honestly,

13:59

I think it's just very important to realize that every relationship,

14:05

whether it's a parent, a family relationship, a friend, a partner, a

14:09

child, like there's a reason for that relationship in your life, and it

14:15

can be really easy to get almost self centered in some of these relationships

14:18

on how the relationships affect us. But it is needed to occasionally take a step back and take a look and see what's

14:28

going on the other side of things, right? What's going on with this person?

14:32

I've been struggling a lot as a mother recently.

14:34

Like, all of my kids are at different stages.

14:37

And so I, I have, a lot of struggles with my daughter, my oldest

14:42

daughter who's, a budding teenager. And then my youngest son who has some sensory issues and some behavior stuff.

14:50

And it's just, he's been very challenging. And I did start a parenting class recently and one of the things that, is

14:56

stressed is instead of getting yourself worked up and reacting to whatever

15:00

your child might be doing is to get curious and try to understand where

15:05

their behavior is coming from or trying to ask more questions and get on their

15:09

level and see why they're feeling the way they are feeling or what is the

15:12

unmet need that is causing the behavior.

15:14

And that's been a huge awakening for myself and becoming more

15:17

aware of those types of things. And I will tell you when I'm in a situation where I can become aware

15:23

of me, like starting to react. And I can calm my own self down instead of getting worked up and

15:28

coming, almost at either a defensive or, I've been like disrespected.

15:32

So I'm like, coming at them in this like a combative mode or getting angry

15:37

and worked up being able to recognize when I'm getting that way and to

15:41

be able to, take that step back and calm myself and get curious and start

15:46

asking them questions or start trying to be more interested in why they're

15:51

behaving the way they are, why we're having this, altercation, if you will.

15:55

I've seen as my defenses go down, my child's defenses go down.

15:59

We're able to have more conversations. I'm able to empathize or see where they're coming from.

16:04

And that allows me to get them down or dysregulated into a more neutral state.

16:08

And then we can actually have a better neutral conversation to actually come

16:12

to a solution or like a compromise or something where we can work together.

16:16

And I know that sounds a little complicated, and it's not something

16:18

that you can just change, right? We get stuck in our habits, we all have our internal triggers and

16:23

things, but it's been a really helpful way to slow down and become aware.

16:28

And very similar to where I started off with this story, is just

16:30

really becoming aware of where other people are coming from.

16:34

What kinds of things they're doing, and being more understanding and having

16:38

compassion for other people and being willing to let our defenses down and be

16:42

more understanding and, maybe realizing how we might be selfish in some ways.

16:47

We're all entitled to our wants and needs, and I think those are fair, and

16:50

we're, it's fine to have our own feelings, but it's also nice to just be able to

16:53

realize where other people might be coming from, where other people might

16:57

need some compassion and understanding, and know that you're not alone, and just

17:02

because you're having these feelings in the situation with my dad it's

17:05

okay for me to be sad, but It's also okay, to be grateful for what I had.

17:09

It's also okay to realize what all my dad did, right?

17:14

And to be, like, even more grateful for that. And to just keep his memory alive instead of being afraid of the

17:20

sadness and all these things. And, again, almost like focusing on like the positives instead of the negative kind

17:26

of things or, I think back about my mom, like maybe I don't focus on the ways I

17:32

felt hurt and betrayed by her, like maybe focusing on those rare moments where we

17:36

had some good times or the times she did show up or the things she did do that,

17:40

were showing me love, like focusing on those things or Looking back at some of

17:44

the friendships I've had and remembering the good things that they brought into my

17:49

life and the lessons I might have learned through their friendships, instead of

17:52

seeing like the ways I feel like I was hurt by them or the ways I was offended

17:55

by them, like just keeping, the focus on, they are a person too, they're going

17:59

through their own journey and they may or may not have meant to hurt me, right?

18:03

I don't know. And instead of dwelling on and feeling hurt and like a victim, I can

18:07

let it be what it was and appreciate the goodness I got from it and

18:11

appreciate the lesson for whatever that lesson was for my soul to have that

18:14

interaction with that other person. So yeah, I think that's where this episode is really getting to

18:22

becoming aware and this curious part.

18:24

Right? Approaching different things with a curious mind and seeing how we can

18:29

see things from other perspectives or from another person's point of view.

18:32

If it's somebody that we may no longer have that relationship anymore and

18:36

have some feelings about that, right? Like looking at those relationships through that curiosity lens and where

18:43

they might be coming from and having that understanding and compassion

18:48

for ourselves and the other people that come in and out of our lives.

18:53

Please let me know if you have any feedback or anything you want to add

18:56

about any experiences you may have had or realizations or what you think

18:59

about what I've talked about today. You can leave a comment on the, this podcast video on YouTube, or you can

19:05

send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook.

19:09

My handle is @chelsea.Vanbuskirk and I will see you guys soon.

19:14

Peace.