Full article: https://eggshelltherapy.com/fear-of-abandonment-object-constancy-and-bpd/

An excerpt: The Slot Machine of Love: Inconsistent Parenting and the Fear of Abandonment

If you are struggling with a fear of abandonment and issues with object constancy, you were likely raised by an emotionally unstable or inconsistent primary caregiver.

This kind of upbringing can be both perplexing and traumatizing. Your parent may show empathy, but only fleetingly and inconsistently.  They have a hot-and-cold, on-and-off emotional pattern. Instead of receiving the steady, nurturing love and care that every child deserves, you were subjected to a confusing and erratic pattern of attention.

At moments, they might shower you with warmth and affection, yet at the slightest hint of stress or a trigger, they flip into an entirely different person—often childish, unreasonable, aggressive, or even violent. 

This Jekyll and Hyde behavior thrusts you into a perpetual state of hypervigilance and fear, uncertain as to which version of your parent will appear next. 

Will it be the caring figure, the harsh critic, or perhaps the unpredictable drunk? What might you have done wrong to trigger them? How can you get your ‘good parent’ back?

Perhaps, each time you hear the doorknob turn, you get washed over by waves of anxiety. What awaits on the other side? Is it a threat of violence or an offer of a comforting hug? The uncertainty is constant; you simply never know. Their own trauma and unresolved attachment issues mean they often don't have a handle on what triggers their emotional meltdowns, which means they cannot fix it, even if they want to.

Indeed, your parent might have been a victim of inconsistent parenting or childhood trauma. But right now, we're not justifying their behavior; we are focusing on you and your pain—as few have done before. 

Thoughtful in The Dark

Thoughtful in The Dark began as a blog composed of material I wrote during my junior...

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