0:02

Jason Manford, Absolute

0:05

Radio, where real music matters.

0:07

Good morning, it's the Jason Manford show

0:10

on Absolute Radio, hope you're very well.

0:13

Steve Edge is here. Good morning. Wow,

0:16

you've got a sexy voice this morning.

0:18

Was it? No, it's not

0:21

a lot of sleep, that voice. Oh, okay,

0:23

but that can be sexy. It

0:25

could be, I think in this case it was

0:28

just Elders with a bit of an eye temperature for two

0:30

days. Is he alright, he's not been well for a couple

0:32

of days now, has he? Yeah, about three days, he's a

0:34

bit better today. But you know, the

0:36

worst thing was, his temperature was like, you know when you

0:38

sleep next to them and they've just got your hand on

0:40

their back all night just so you can check how hot they

0:42

are. But he had

0:44

sad eyebrows for two days.

0:46

Sad eyebrows. His eyebrows

0:48

were like inverted, like really sad, and I was

0:51

like, you alright mate? And he was like, yeah,

0:53

a bit better. And his eyebrows wouldn't move at

0:55

this sad position and never gone back

0:57

to normal. So it's better than

0:59

any thermometer really, you get like a

1:01

protractor out and you just check the angle of the eyebrows and

1:04

you know he's better. Sad eyebrows. Really

1:06

sad, you know like pain, not well,

1:08

but he's a lot better today. I'll

1:10

stop talking now, do my head in.

1:14

LAUGHS Aww,

1:18

I know, my daughter was sick at

1:20

school. Oh. Because you know

1:22

that thing where you've got to keep them off for 48

1:24

hours. Yeah, sometimes it's 24, I think

1:26

it's 24 down here, but yeah, 48 hours. 48

1:29

hours up here, well, at our school anyway.

1:31

Since the last incident, is that what it

1:33

is? Yeah, but you know when you sort

1:35

of go, you judge it yourself, don't

1:37

you, as a parent. And also

1:39

you've got work and other stuff on, so you go. I

1:41

know, yeah, I know what you mean. And it'll be alright,

1:43

it'll be alright. But she threw up at school, so there

1:45

was no, that was it. There was no calling that,

1:48

yeah. No, it was 48 hours later, so. But

1:50

I'm glad he's feeling better anyway. Yeah, he's better today.

1:53

So you've not had any sleep either then? No,

1:55

not great. And the little one's got a

1:57

bit of double snot coming out now as

1:59

well. It's this time of year and it's all bugs and

2:01

you know, I can't deal with something. Me and my wife have

2:03

got an agreement What's the deal? She

2:06

doesn't do vomit. I don't do snot. That's

2:08

good. Good to have a system in it. I think you've

2:10

got to have a system in place. You've also got to

2:12

have limits You've got to have limits and rules. So you

2:14

do the vomit? Yeah, I don't mind doing

2:16

that. I think you've got out easy there I know you're

2:18

saying it's worse, but vomit's few and far between. Whereas that's

2:21

not who knows that's that's 20 or 30 wipes a day

2:24

Well, yeah, not at my kids age obviously, but I know

2:26

what you mean from a baby it is But

2:29

don't forget I've got I've got you've got to include the cats in

2:31

that. Oh Well, if

2:33

you include my cat, I mean you'd be up every morning

2:36

Rarely as a snotty nose, but it does just go There

2:41

you go, I've had that too quick but you have to

2:43

get ten years old and you keep it too quick I

2:45

don't know. I just don't learn right. I'll give you a

2:47

little bit. All right, just have a little bit Yeah, oh,

2:49

why are you eating the other cats? I pushed him out

2:51

the way I'm eating his now. Oh, I'm gonna be sick

2:53

again Yeah To

2:56

be fair So

2:58

you've got a system every house household has got

3:00

a system of like what jobs You

3:03

find acceptable to do, you know I've been in

3:05

the stand-up that I do about the bins sort of

3:07

being a blokes job even now in this day and age

3:10

Yeah, that is sort of our job like we

3:12

that we're in charge of bins That's

3:15

just what I just way is everything else seems to

3:17

be Everyone can do whatever you

3:19

want. You know, I mean but bins. I don't know. I

3:21

still feel like that's the blokes job Well, if you put

3:23

them out late, don't you know, so you could go out

3:25

there and they could be like a like a war going

3:27

On or somebody throwing a bow and arrow. Yeah, like you

3:29

feel like it's Yeah, you know, you

3:32

don't want to put put me in that position late at

3:34

night But yeah, I did a bit and they're effing and

3:36

they're bit smelly and they think yeah blokes job I know

3:38

so you can't really mess it up. I think that's why

3:40

it's been given to us. Yeah, you just gotta it's on

3:42

wheels Yeah, when

3:45

it wasn't on wheels, I bet more women did it

3:47

like you'll just drop the bin again I'll put it

3:49

again. Like you're not meant to no

3:51

attaches That was a real

3:54

problem back in the day. Wasn't it? Oh, that's

3:56

golden bin men's backs. Yeah nightmare But

3:58

there's certain things that even I

4:01

think you know men and women still do

4:03

the same. Do you sleep nearest the door? Yeah,

4:06

you do yeah. Yeah, you see again. I think that's like

4:08

a natural thing where Like back

4:10

in the day that was the cave wasn't it? Yeah,

4:12

we'd go obviously nearest the cave Also,

4:14

it's also near the ensuite as well. So if anybody did worry

4:16

that I could run in the ensuite and shut the door Well,

4:19

also we've we've actually got we've actually

4:21

got a balcony door, which is if

4:24

anything Oh Anything

4:26

they're gonna come through there more than oh,

4:28

yeah, they are the Oklahoma. Yeah. Yeah, you could point. Yes

4:32

Good. Yeah He's

4:34

nice is he's less likely to batter you

4:38

Definitely, but you're a threat when I

4:42

You've got your Yearly meal

4:44

coming up haven't you Steve? Yes, it's a bunch of

4:48

You know varying degrees of success

4:50

gentlemen actors. There's five of

4:52

us. All right And we go

4:54

we go to a rule restaurant in Covent Garden It's

4:57

the oldest restaurant in London, which I've still never

4:59

been to oh, it's lovely rules But we just

5:01

go it's very critical to do a good Christmas

5:03

as well They really could it's old but they

5:05

can I'll do this some tradition stuff I don't

5:07

know how it started actually. I think it started

5:09

before me I think they've always done it and

5:11

then about seven years ago when they might

5:13

Harry Peacock got married I met

5:15

them all and then move I used to come to it

5:17

because it's very much a closed club No one no

5:19

one's been allowed in or else notes noted

5:23

No, no, but it's just I thought my this is

5:25

not my role this is well you you got except

5:27

you got I know but I The

5:30

first couple years it was a bit frosty. I'll tell you But

5:34

now I'm very much a part

5:36

of it, you know, I'm very This is the

5:38

restaurant you go to where there's also a another

5:41

bloke called Steve edge who goes there Yeah, the

5:43

the artist Steve edge goes and he's got a

5:45

table I think he might design the the menu

5:47

or something is a graphic designer and there's a

5:49

table with a picture of everyone saying the Steve

5:51

heads table and since if I book

5:54

it and we always get that table and they go Oh

5:56

god, and they're a bit confused and they see me sat

5:58

there. I go. I was right He was

6:00

in there once when we were in there. Did you? Did you see

6:02

him? Does he look weird? Yeah. No. He

6:04

doesn't look like me. That would be weird. I don't know

6:06

why I thought that. No, that would be weird. Who are

6:08

you? Like that Spiderman meme. Yeah. I'm

6:11

putting some filters on some boards. Please do

6:13

your veggie. Yeah. What's going on? Well,

6:16

that'll be nice then. So that Sunday and then... Yeah. My

6:18

wife's gone and booked... She goes for a meal with her

6:20

mates. Yeah. She kind of booked rules on a Saturday. She

6:22

doesn't go to a real... She goes to other places. You

6:24

are? So she's just over here... Taking over a... ...fiction. So

6:31

it's all up in the air. I mean, you

6:33

know... I don't know what

6:35

to do. I don't know what to think. But there's no crossover.

6:37

They're not going to be like there when you're there. No,

6:39

but I feel like because, you know... No,

6:41

they're not actually. No, that's a good point. Yeah.

6:44

Because that would be frustrating if you'd gone out

6:46

for your thing with your mates. I

6:48

also feel like... Because they're first. Like if I'd gone first,

6:51

I feel like when they... If it'd

6:53

been the other way around and they'd gone in the day after, they would have gone...

6:55

Oh, the gentleman who was here yesterday left a bottle of champagne for

6:57

the table. Whereas because they're going first... I

7:00

don't have to do that. No, but they definitely will not

7:02

be doing that for you. They won't be doing that. No. No.

7:06

Not a Rolls-Royce, that. A Rolls-Royce? No.

7:09

Is it pretty expensive? Yeah. It's

7:11

not super expensive. It's a bit expensive, yeah. But

7:14

they do it's very sort of small. You know,

7:16

it's very old. There's game and stuff like

7:18

that. It's very old fashioned. Oh, is it old

7:20

English food? Yes. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

7:23

Alright, well... Maybe one day I'll

7:26

get a little Christmas invite. Probably more likely get

7:29

invited to your wife's night out, to be honest. Yeah.

7:32

Well, we could just go without them, you know.

7:34

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Feels

7:38

like I'd better

7:40

do that. You don't mean like an appeasement rather than...

7:42

No, I'll go anytime. I love it. But,

7:44

you know, that one specifically, I

7:46

just... You know. I

7:49

don't know where you're getting. It's harder to get into... I

7:51

imagine this... It's like the Masons or something. Yeah. I don't know

7:53

how well it's going. I'll just book it under Steve Edge so

7:56

you can get a table. I'll be on that site. I

7:58

know where you're being. Hahaha. I

8:03

actually went out last

8:05

night Steve.

8:13

Out out? Out out? Well,

8:16

well not full on Mickey Flammigal. Where

8:18

were you Manchester or London? Basically

8:20

it was our press night for the

8:23

Panto. Oh yeah. Yes.

8:25

And usually there's like a little bit of a party the producers

8:27

put a thing on but I think because they're such short runs

8:29

they don't really bother. So I'd just go, well

8:32

I'll book one anyway. So I booked the little room, the

8:34

little nice room over at the Ivy Manchester. Talking to

8:36

posh restaurants, we're posh restaurants all over the place. Where

8:38

is the Ivy Bad Chat? I've never been to the

8:41

Ivy. It's been in fields. Oh okay, right.

8:43

Yeah, there's some, I don't really come into Manchester

8:45

that much but there's some nice places. I'll tell

8:47

you what I do, if you're sort of my

8:49

age and you want a nice

8:51

night out in Manchester without the rabble. Right.

8:55

There's loads of nice places right. And

8:58

I don't want to give them away because I don't want to. Yeah,

9:00

yeah, yeah. But the Ivy's lovely. What's

9:02

the one that does the Kobe steak?

9:04

What was that one called? Grill

9:07

on the Alley. That's gone that. It's gone that. Grill

9:09

on the Alley, I think it's gone now yeah. This is still

9:11

nothing. I think that's gone. 20 stories is

9:13

nice for a cocktail and a view but a lot.

9:15

It's been in field as well. This has been in

9:17

fields. Lots of young people come in and you

9:20

sometimes have to queue for the toilet just because

9:22

people are in there doing selfies. Okay. Because

9:25

the toilets are so nice. Same at the Ivy as well

9:27

to be fair. The Ivy's got lovely. I'm just going to

9:29

get time for that. Ivy Asia, that's very nice.

9:33

Yeah, so that is really nice. And I

9:35

tell you where else is good. But

9:39

it's Hammered. It's a place

9:41

called Albert Schloss, that's good. Right.

9:46

And there's another place called Blue's Kitchen which

9:48

is like live music and a

9:50

bit of food as well. Oh, it says

9:52

nice. That's good. That's

9:54

a nice. I'll get a chance on that and

9:56

then put this seats. I'm very up for seats.

10:00

I like a seat. I like a seat if

10:03

I'm honest. So I think that's very careful. I'm

10:05

very careful on what I pick Lucky Cat is nice.

10:08

That's the new Gordon Ramsay restaurant in Manchester when they're

10:10

in the week as well These are one-off places by

10:12

the way, these are not they're not

10:14

pre I mean, these are like special

10:16

occasions. Yeah Yeah, yeah, so blues kitchen isn't you

10:19

could go there. That's nice. I've got there

10:21

and then bar 186. That's cool That's live music

10:23

and cocktails and very classic and it's one of

10:25

them works like a it's like a secret.

10:27

What do they call them? And I like

10:29

easy Yeah, it's

10:31

a barbershop and then when you go

10:34

in the guy goes you here for

10:36

the club And you go yeah,

10:38

yeah, then you watch the Yeah,

10:40

well lots of people are We'd

10:43

be like three books have the cut echo and you walk past

10:45

them and then they open this mirrored door and then you know

10:48

It's a side subject But I was walking down the street the

10:50

other day and a bloke was having his beards like

10:52

trimmed really sculpted and he was Laying back in

10:54

the chair, but it was a bit but over

10:57

yonder somebody was using like a

11:00

an angle grinder to To

11:03

cut a wall down so I so the two

11:05

sales married and I was laughing for about ten

11:07

minutes this

11:09

guy I

11:14

don't know why it made me laugh so much.

11:16

I was on my own But

11:18

yeah, but he was like never give

11:20

them a heck what's he laughing at

11:22

in the window absolutely destroyed But

11:27

yeah, we had our and to add our press night

11:29

Yeah, all good five stars across the board you got

11:31

you got really messed pants. Oh up I think so.

11:33

I'm not taking it as like we're gonna win an

11:35

Olivier and imagine Imagine

11:39

how nowhere just thought everyone sat there

11:42

McKellen Yeah David Shannon all

11:44

sat then I'm just there just with a

11:46

with two the two fellows who are inside

11:48

the cow Yeah for uncle Vanyon and

11:51

for and for Jack and the beanstalk

11:55

J that'd be great with it.

11:57

Just in that little square where there were four of

11:59

us are all that they're waiting. It's me

12:01

and the cow. And everyone's the heir.

12:03

The dame. You're dressed up as,

12:06

yeah, your full panto costume, they're all in tuxes.

12:09

That'd be great. That

12:11

would be good. About as high as we went for that. But no,

12:13

it went very well. So if you're in Manchester, do

12:15

come and see the panto in and out. But we

12:17

went out there, and it was funny because we were with the

12:19

ensemble who were all like, you know,

12:21

20, hardly, 20, 21, 22, whatever. Yeah.

12:25

And we got to a point where it was

12:27

like one o'clock and I was like, I could feel my eyes going. And

12:30

I put on a bit of food and a bit of, everyone

12:32

was fed, everyone was watered with fire. I thought, right, I'm going.

12:34

They were like, let's go out. Because obviously they're like, they're new

12:36

in Manchester as well. They're like, we're going to go to the

12:39

gay village. We're going to go to Northern Court. And I was

12:41

like, what? They were like, are you coming

12:43

out? I was like, I've been out. This

12:46

is out. That's the end of out. You're going out

12:49

now. Out of spinners. I'm going in. But

12:52

they were very much going

12:54

as the routine goes. They were going

12:56

out, out. And not for Jace.

12:59

Not for Jace. Jace! Manford.

13:02

Absolute radio. We're having a little munch there, Steve. What

13:04

are you having? Well,

13:12

a little bit of a throw

13:14

forward for next week when

13:17

we do our Christmas special. Yeah. Yeah.

13:21

Time of Christmas. Arrived already. Yeah, I've had some

13:23

stuff arrive. These ones, you know those Choco Leibniz

13:25

biscuits? Yeah. You

13:27

know, the one that spills over the side.

13:29

Yes, yeah. And the ones,

13:31

yeah. The other ones. Well, Baileys

13:34

have got involved. Have they? Yes,

13:36

mate. I like when companies sort

13:38

of do little crossovers together. I

13:40

wonder who rings who. Hello, Baileys

13:43

speaking. Yeah, he rings who? Yeah,

13:46

it's a Choco Leibniz. Hello, it's a...

13:48

It's a dead Baileys. It's

13:50

time for Baileys. Are they Irish?

13:52

No, it's cream. I think so,

13:54

yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's a Choco

13:56

Leibniz here. We're thinking about it.

14:00

about fusing the two brands together,

14:03

yeah? What?

14:05

Fusing the two brands, chocolate, lemme, and Baileys, no? It's

14:07

a really terrible line, I don't know what you're going

14:09

on about. Some

14:12

kind of German biscuit guy. He's

14:14

not in Frank's, not in today. He's Frank in today,

14:17

he does the, I don't

14:19

know what's going on here. What's happening? What

14:21

do you want, mate? That's what's

14:23

happening. And then,

14:25

just send an email, and then,

14:28

to the right department, it's better than the guy who

14:30

answers the phone. They're nice though, I

14:32

will say. They're well nice.

14:34

So they're Baileys flavoured chocolate. Baileys

14:37

flavoured chocolate, yeah. Okay.

14:40

I mean, I love those biscuits anyway, best of time. And

14:43

they only put nine in a packet, so you don't feel like an

14:46

absolute gannet when you smash it with a cup of tea. Still,

14:50

I think nine. Oh my God. I'm

14:53

not gonna do that. I've only had nine biscuits

14:55

in my cup of tea. No,

14:58

I won't smash nine. I mean,

15:00

I'd say three or four would be

15:02

smashing. But like, nine. No,

15:05

but you know me, in a packet

15:07

of biscuits, you know. I know you, as well, you only

15:09

have half a cup of tea. I

15:11

know, because it goes cold, that's the only

15:13

dip in. Much better to be

15:15

eating the biscuits than to drink the tea. I

15:18

only really drink tea for the biscuit dip in, if

15:21

I'm honest. No. I rarely just

15:23

have a brew, if I'm honest. It's

15:25

not fair. I don't mind it,

15:27

but not that I haven't. And I have got stuck

15:29

into the, I think we talked about

15:31

it a few months ago, don't we, about the

15:33

tea flavoured with biscuits already, innit?

15:38

You had that? Yeah. No, I don't know.

15:40

I don't like the sound of that. You know, I like the flavour of

15:42

tea. Yeah, but this is like, it

15:45

is the flavour of tea, but it's the

15:47

flavour of tea. Oh, with biscuits. It's the

15:49

flavour of tea. That's had a couple

15:51

of biscuits already done. No, it's actually not, there's no more

15:53

calories, is there? I don't know how they've done it. No,

15:56

no, magic. But they've basically, magic, yeah, they've

15:58

just engineered it so they... It tastes like

16:00

someone's already dipped three or four biscuits

16:03

in it. I

16:05

think I'd want the joy of the biscuit. You

16:08

know what I mean? But that is the

16:10

joy Steve. You can also then dip it

16:12

in. Would it not overpower it now? Have

16:15

you not tipped the balance and it's just all biscuit tea

16:17

now? No, I think it's like joy,

16:19

isn't it? You can't have too much joy. So it's like

16:21

once you've, you can't tip

16:23

the balance into too much good.

16:27

Okay. Do you know what I

16:29

mean? I don't know. When it's become good, it just stays good,

16:31

doesn't it? Yeah. I don't know. I think there

16:33

is a phrase you can have too much of a good thing. I

16:35

think, I think, I think you can have too

16:37

much joy. I don't think they

16:39

meant biscuits when they said that. No, maybe they

16:42

didn't. I don't. I think they meant like cigarettes,

16:44

alcohol, sex, gambling, like all those things that release

16:46

in Dorf. But not biscuits. I

16:48

don't, I mean, don't get me wrong. I've

16:51

had a time in my life where I've definitely had

16:53

too many biscuits. Yeah. But

16:55

I don't think that's what they meant when it comes

16:57

to this cup of tea. I would just say I

16:59

wouldn't, I wouldn't just get rid of it

17:01

before you tried it. That's all I'm saying. Okay. All right. Good

17:03

to know. Hey, so last week we were talking about Christmas

17:06

traditions, weren't we? Yes. Other big

17:08

traditions. People and different countries. Yeah.

17:10

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we always

17:12

talked about my friend's Christmas

17:14

pineapple, didn't we? And all that. Oh, the Christmas pineapple,

17:17

yeah. Still makes me laugh. So

17:20

I've looked at some, some of the people sent some messages

17:22

off the back of it. Kate

17:24

Temple says we always used to have a

17:26

tin of biscuits pre-breakfast while opening our presents

17:29

when I was a kid. And my very

17:31

healthy living mother-in-law was horrified when I reintroduced

17:33

this tradition into our Christmas day. I think

17:35

you can eat what you want. That's what

17:37

Jesus meant. I want to really feel healthy

17:39

living posh mother-in-law. What's a box of biscuits?

17:43

A full breakfast? A whole box?

17:47

I'm sure you're doing the right thing, Paul. She's a lovely

17:50

last but I'm not sure. I

17:52

saw as much as possible for a full breakfast.

17:55

Helen Brown says she has a pork pie for

17:57

Christmas Day breakfast. Hey, I'm all right with that.

18:00

You're all right, you had it as your wedding. I'm a savoury guy,

18:02

that's it. Your wedding cake you

18:04

had pork pie. Yeah, I did add

18:06

three pork pies. I was actually telling

18:08

someone the other day who was savouring

18:10

getting married and I recommended that. One

18:13

pork pie, one wheel of cheese, one pork pie, one

18:15

wheel of cheese. That's when it went. I think the

18:17

bottom one was a Cornish yag. It's

18:19

a genius. Best version I've ever

18:21

been to. Debbie

18:24

says, I went to Australia in 2002 for the Ash's

18:26

at Christmas, so my mum and dad wanted to go

18:28

for Christmas dinner with me. It started to be a

18:30

tradition that we would always go for Christmas dinner in

18:32

December before the big day. I've been doing that for

18:34

20 years now, even though I've lost my parents. So

18:36

that's the little thing that keeps on the last one.

18:39

Nice one, yeah. Little memory of them, lovely. And

18:42

then we looked around the world a bit, didn't we? Look at the different

18:45

traditions that other countries have. Guatemala,

18:49

Steve. Guatemala, cleanliness really is next

18:51

to godliness. Locals believe that the

18:53

devil and other evil spirits live

18:55

in the dark dirty corners of your home.

18:58

And then the week before Christmas, sweeping up,

19:00

collecting rubbish and then piling everything in a

19:03

huge heap outside. Finally, an effigy of the

19:05

devil is placed on top and the whole

19:07

thing is set on fire. It's

19:09

called La Coima del Diablo.

19:12

That's good. The idea of the Devil, the idea of

19:14

the Guatemalans is to burn all the bad from the

19:16

previous year and start a new year from the other.

19:19

I think that's not a bad idea. That's

19:21

a great idea. It's better than getting a skip, isn't it? Yeah,

19:24

it's a lot better. And everyone's fault. Neighbours aren't going to

19:26

complain that you've started burning rubbish in your garden because they're

19:28

all doing it. Yeah, they're all doing it.

19:30

And also you're like... And then also if you just

19:32

start here you can be like... Jason,

19:34

don't do a bonfire on a... I'm

19:37

getting rid of the devil, mate. So unless you want the

19:39

devil... You're more than welcome to have

19:41

him in your house but I do not want him

19:43

in mine. Thank you very much. I

19:46

put it on the WhatsApp group. It

19:48

was on the WhatsApp group, Sandra. This

19:53

has been arranged for weeks. Okay.

19:56

Trying to get rid of the devil. And

19:58

in... So we've

20:01

got the Germans of course they go Christmas in a big way

20:03

don't they yeah on the evening

20:05

of 5th of December Oh, this you know this came up the

20:07

other day full enough The evening

20:09

of 5th of December children leave a boot or

20:11

shoe outside their bedroom door in the morning if

20:13

they've been good They will wake to find the

20:15

shoes filled with sweets if they haven't they'll

20:18

find only a branch Obviously

20:20

it's best to leave out the newest pair of shoes. You

20:23

are preferably fresh out of the box Do

20:25

they take the shoes or they just leave no no? Why

20:28

do you got a fresh shoes then? Well I guess

20:30

you're not going to eat sweets out of a sweat

20:32

You definitely should Just pull a

20:34

bomb on out and go But if

20:36

you had like if you'd been good or wait but you

20:39

put rubbish trainers outside they go nah have a stick I'm

20:41

not putting them in there probably yeah, but this came

20:43

up the other day because a primary school did it I

20:45

can't remember which friend was telling me But

20:48

she was saying her kids put all their shoes

20:50

out Obviously just didn't she not bought any sweets

20:52

because she was like this is the German tradition

20:54

this is not ours They

20:56

all woke up in the morning. There was a pound every

20:59

shoe Not

21:02

even a euro not even a Euro,

21:04

but some nice traditions that keep them coming

21:06

in if you want me email me Jason

21:08

absolute radio.co.uk This

21:25

first one from Mark Garner Who

21:28

says hey guys? Love

21:30

the show your podcast has brightened up

21:32

many a journey to work and household chore

21:34

over the last couple of years since I

21:36

first listened That's nice nice

21:38

isn't it? And it's Christmas now I

21:41

thought I'd get in touch to see what you think about this

21:43

a few years ago me and my little girl Heidi Aged

21:45

10 summer aged 8 and Felicia's for

21:48

started a family Christmas tradition of recording

21:50

a Christmas song on some

21:52

basic home recording Software now when I

21:54

heard your assembly banger last year, I

21:56

thought no offense. I

21:59

mean anyone who starts with no offence means very

22:01

fancy there's gonna be a fence if

22:03

Jason Manford can make it onto the radio

22:05

with this then surely we

22:08

can make it onto the radio with ours well

22:10

yeah well I

22:13

would say Heidi summer Flissy a

22:16

fence taken by

22:19

your dad but no

22:22

you're right you're right be fair so here's our song

22:24

from last year with vocals from Flissy newly added to

22:26

last few weeks should we give it a quick blast

22:28

a little bit a little sticky review let's have a

22:30

listen I

23:04

mean

23:10

I like the tradition it's a great idea in

23:12

it do a song you're free I like it

23:14

too I can't I can't help feeling mark has

23:16

taken over a bit too much in that for

23:18

me yeah well he I would have liked to

23:20

have heard a bit more from Flissy it's very

23:22

much part of the Christmas song isn't it to have the

23:24

kids singing a chorus you know I mean yeah I guess

23:27

I wish you could be Christmas every day and all that

23:30

where was Heidi in summer a bit Heidi

23:32

and summer in there as well yeah maybe they're

23:34

more Heidi and summer as well more

23:37

Flissy you

23:39

can live the verse each yeah maybe

23:41

the bridge or something and

23:44

I like the verse this

23:46

is just my you know I'm just I'm

23:48

not being hypercustod I'm just sort of saying I like

23:50

it I think it's got legs yeah

23:52

I think the chorus I think could do with

23:55

more I like Merry Christmas say it said over

23:57

and over again but maybe I'm not trying to

23:59

belong that I'll I like that, it drives along. Yeah, but

24:01

you don't have to be Bob Dylan about it, but you could mix

24:03

it up a bit maybe. I feel it was

24:05

more like sort of, it was more Phil Spector a little bit,

24:07

sort of, you know, that sort of feel.

24:09

Yeah, it did have a Phil Spector feel. Yeah. It

24:12

did have a Phil Spector feel to it. All right, do you

24:14

know what guys, I've finished something in that, so you've had your

24:16

first play on the radio there, congratulations,

24:19

it is literally that easy.

24:22

Apparently so. Jason

24:26

Mathers on absolute radio.

24:28

Mathers. Merry Christmas,

24:31

merry Christmas, merry Christmas. We've got that,

24:33

haven't we? A little bit of flizzy

24:35

there. Very

24:37

good. We've got another

24:40

email as well, Steve. This

24:42

is from Sammy Patel and

24:46

it says, Jason and Steve, you joked

24:49

a few weeks back that no one listens to

24:51

your show from start to finish. Did

24:54

they? Oh, I think so. I think

24:57

we've mentioned that our, because

24:59

our listening, the boss basically said,

25:01

look, your listening hours have gone up to

25:04

something like 45 minutes. People are

25:06

now listening for longer. Oh, that's good. Which

25:09

is lovely, but obviously in our heads when we

25:11

do the show, we just think we're talking to

25:13

the same people for three hours. Yeah, it follows

25:15

you. And then you realise, oh, maybe that's not

25:17

the case. But Sammy messages and says, I thought

25:19

I'd let you know that I have listened to

25:21

every episode of it ever,

25:25

at least four times each. Do you

25:27

do the podcast or listen to it

25:30

live? Yeah, no, the podcast. They

25:33

make me laugh so much. They said, thanks, Sammy. My

25:36

Spotify wraps came through today for the

25:38

whole year. What

25:40

do you think that is, Steve, for

25:42

a full year? I

25:45

don't know how it works, Spotify wraps. It tells you how many

25:47

minutes. It tells you how many minutes. It tells you how many

25:49

minutes, yeah. No, it's a thousand,

25:51

isn't it? Thirty

25:54

four thousand minutes listening to us

25:56

this year. They've

25:58

also attached a screen. green shot as proof.

26:02

Just so we don't... I hope that doesn't sound obsessive. I

26:04

mean it does, but that's alright. It does

26:06

a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Sammy also says I'm

26:08

18 years old, so not even in your usual

26:10

demographic. No, it's not that bad. No,

26:12

again, when I'm thinking about... 321 and Rubik's

26:14

Cube, she's got no idea what we're talking

26:16

about. Oh, she? I

26:18

don't know if it's a she to be fair. Oh,

26:21

no, we don't... Doesn't say. But

26:24

that is... I just worked out a quick paper

26:27

math there, Steve. That

26:31

is... 23 days. 34,000

26:39

minutes, yeah? Yeah.

26:43

So if I divide that by 60... Yeah,

26:46

then it's the hours. 566 hours. It's

26:51

a 24. Yeah, 20... It's

26:54

nearly a month. I

26:57

don't think I could listen to myself for a month. You

27:02

know. I feel like we've not done

27:05

that many shows. No. And

27:08

I'll be honest, even when we're recording this, sometimes I'll switch

27:10

off and I'm not really listening to you. Oh, I'm sold

27:12

out. I'm sold out, left, right and centre, mate. Yeah,

27:15

that's what I mean. I mean... What?

27:17

So? I don't know. Well

27:19

done, though. Once sometimes you start on a

27:22

story that I sort of know... Yeah,

27:24

we're done. I don't think we'll have to be here

27:26

for this. No, you're smashing for the 7th biscuit. I'm

27:28

just gonna hear you crunching away there. I'll

27:31

get through half of these while you're banging on about

27:33

your kids. Well,

27:38

look, Sami, we really appreciate

27:40

your absolute dedication. Thanks

27:42

so much. What an honour. Thanks

27:45

so much. And yeah,

27:47

and as Sami points out there, you can

27:49

pick us up on the Spotify's

27:52

and the podcasts and all that. The

27:54

podcast comes, just us,

27:56

no music or adverts. It's

27:59

the... whether that works for

28:01

you or not I don't know but it works for

28:04

Sammy, thank you. I

28:12

tell you what they've done Steve is they've

28:14

done a Yuletide top 10. It's the public

28:16

have voted for the best new Christmas gags

28:20

from 2023. What are you doing? So my

28:23

little one just walked in the room. Do I? Oh,

28:25

crawled in the room. Hello. Hello.

28:29

That's a bit heavy breathing, a bit weird. Hi hugs. Say

28:33

hello hugs. There

28:37

he goes, he's gone. Hello. I

28:41

like the audio version of that news, you know

28:43

that bloke when the kids run in the background.

28:48

That was still one of the best things

28:50

ever. Still was. Best that one. It's so

28:52

funny, so funny. Alright,

28:54

bye. Bye. Best

28:58

top 10 jokes from this year. Well, obviously

29:01

inspired by 2023. Right.

29:05

So let's see what you think. I'll count down from 10. 10,

29:10

how does Margot Robbie decorate her nativity

29:12

scene? I

29:14

don't know. With

29:16

three wise Ken. Good,

29:19

yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Well, we'll work these out.

29:21

Not a pun than a joke, innit? Well,

29:25

I mean, I think that you think you just got to

29:27

fuse them all together at Christmas. Yeah, okay. Why

29:30

are the train drivers on the naughty list this

29:32

year? I don't know.

29:35

They've already had three strikes. Okay,

29:38

yeah. Yeah, there you go. Makes sense, yeah. What

29:44

did Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas?

29:48

I don't know. Atomic

29:50

Kennergy. Oh,

29:52

yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of Kenpons

29:54

that they've mixed the two stories together. They

29:57

all came out the same week, didn't they? They're like Kenpons, not

29:59

there. Yeah, the

30:01

same night. People were like doubling up the film weren't they?

30:03

Got to see them both. Very

30:05

different I imagine. Very

30:08

different, very different. Oh

30:10

this might be up your street Steve. What's the

30:12

difference between the Polar Express and HS2? I

30:17

think someone's been being fictional or

30:19

something is it? There

30:22

you go, you're nearly there yeah. One's a

30:24

fantasy about a train. The other

30:26

one's a film with some angst. The

30:29

Polar Express. Polar

30:31

Express, you got that one. Let's get this next

30:33

one. What happened to Mark Zuckerberg's

30:35

novelty jumper when he had a cage fight

30:38

with Elon Musk? Wow, there's

30:40

a lot of things like in there isn't

30:43

there? That's a lot.

30:46

Can you imagine them two nerds

30:48

fighting? Unbelievable. You got a

30:50

Facebook writer? I don't know.

30:55

Facebook writer, ex-Master Spot,

30:57

anything I know. He was left with

30:59

nothing but threads. Oh

31:02

okay, is he threading that as well? Because

31:04

that's the new message isn't it? What's

31:06

that? Is that Zuckerberg? That

31:10

was Zuckerberg on Facebook which owns Instagram

31:12

isn't it? Yeah but Instagram's owned by

31:14

Facebook. It makes sense then

31:17

though. You've really

31:19

got to know your

31:22

social media owners for

31:24

that one to work for you. What

31:27

impact will the 20 mile an hour speed limit in

31:30

Wales have on the charts this year? I

31:32

don't know. Chris

31:34

Raya will still be driving home for Christmas

31:37

at Easter. He's

31:39

going via Wales? No he's going via

31:41

Wales, he's going to rush anyway. He's

31:45

got a Millsbrough. I

31:47

can't help feeling that they've got a slight

31:49

bias to these jokes if I'm honest. Yeah

31:52

I know what you mean. You

31:54

know, not drain drivers on the naughty list. I

31:56

feel like I can guess which newspaper this has come from is

31:58

what I'm trying to say. There

32:01

isn't a 20 mile an hour speed

32:04

limit in Wales either. There's

32:06

not a blanket speed limit is it? No, it's

32:08

just like a safety thing. Yeah, 20 is 20.

32:11

It's just a helpful thing. Like, just

32:13

so people don't die. What

32:17

actor does every Northern Irish person shed at

32:19

the end of a meal? Go

32:23

on. Bill Nae! Wow,

32:27

have you made that one up? There you go. No,

32:30

it's an old Northern Irish joke. Oh,

32:32

it's good that one. Bill Nae!

32:34

I can't like that one. That's

32:39

better than any of the ones on here. I just thought it

32:41

was a cracker joke. I

32:43

love a cracker joke. I thought there was

32:45

going to be more Christmas space. They're sort

32:47

of... Biggest news stories

32:49

and cultural highlights of the year. Because

32:51

Christmas is every year, isn't it? They've

32:54

tried to make them topical, aren't they?

32:57

Why aren't any schools allowed to put on an

32:59

activity this year? I

33:02

don't know. Why? They

33:04

couldn't find a stable building. That's

33:07

good, isn't it? That's quite a good

33:09

idea. It's concrete. Why isn't Barbie having

33:11

turkey for Christmas chicken? I

33:13

nearly ruined it. Because you like chicken. Totally ruined

33:15

that, didn't I? I took it for a chicken.

33:17

Is that what you're having? Chicken is enough. Chicken

33:21

is enough. Why is Elon

33:23

Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward? Because

33:27

he's... I don't know. He

33:29

can't stop talking about his ex. Ah, OK,

33:32

yeah. And did you

33:34

hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum?

33:37

No. What happened? It was

33:39

stolen. That's

33:42

actually pretty good as well. That's pretty good, isn't it?

33:44

That's a good one. To be fair, I can hear

33:46

some dads writing them down. I

33:49

think the bill now he wants is the one that you're going

33:52

to... Oh, no. You've won that. Definitely going to. You've

33:55

won that. It wasn't a fair fight, that's

33:57

the... to be fair. We're

34:00

getting we're feeling Christmasy feeling very Christmasy. I'm

34:02

looking forward to their next week's episode our

34:05

Christmas special Have you got some

34:07

stuff or I've got some stuff arrived. Have you what we

34:09

had I've had I feel like I

34:11

had four bags of crisps that arrived on special delivery

34:13

in it No,

34:16

I just thought was a bit postman's a got special delivery

34:18

and I was like And

34:23

it was four bags of normal sized crisps But

34:27

because they've been through the postal system, we're

34:29

now basically just flat dust So

34:31

I'll be interested. So when we do eat those next week,

34:33

I think it's like the walkers Christmas put in one But

34:36

well, I'll be mainly, you know Trying

34:39

to reconstruct them before before we eat them Right.

34:43

Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to that If if

34:45

you see anything in the meantime between this week

34:47

and next week's show that you

34:50

think we should try please email us

34:52

Jason absolute radio dot-code UK anything any

34:54

Christmas version of anything like me like

34:56

me Bailey's there critical

34:58

you've been chair yet, um Chris

35:00

anything like that Real

35:10

music matters Christmas is

35:12

a coming on these are coming Have

35:16

you sorted out? Christmas

35:18

lists and presents and all that stuff. Yeah, but

35:20

the list he's the son's working on his list

35:23

at the minute But he's very sort of yeah,

35:25

he's very specific I wanted like one point said

35:27

he wanted a skunk and I went I would

35:29

like a like a toy skunk anyway Yeah skunk.

35:31

I was like like a new skill. I mean

35:34

Santa's not getting you a skunk Yeah,

35:37

I mean, I actually don't blame know that

35:39

the elves they don't really make living animals

35:41

And then you know, he's got a transport

35:43

it with in the bag and the skunk

35:45

will get freaked out And it'll spray Santa

35:47

and their Santa's blind dude. That's Christmas ruined

35:50

You know, yeah, well there is that and also everyone

35:52

will be opening their presents Christmas morning going. What's up

35:54

now? Thanks, what

35:56

is this? Santa man what you doing? So,

35:58

I don't know. Yeah probably more Lego,

36:01

we've finished the Titanic so we're

36:03

ready for more Lego. Oh I'll tell you what, I've

36:05

found, have you had the app yet? Brick It? No.

36:10

Oh I'm about to change yours and

36:12

every parent listening is life Steve. I

36:14

think I might, hang on, is this

36:16

the one when you pay a subscription,

36:18

they send it yeah, you build it

36:20

and you send it back. Is that

36:22

that one? No no no no, it's

36:24

even better than that Steve. Hold on

36:26

what's this? Strap yourself in.

36:29

Hang on strap in, where's the

36:31

strap? Right,

36:34

I discovered it last week, what you do is, you know when

36:36

you build something and then kids

36:38

now have not got any imagination to

36:40

just rebuild stuff. So what

36:43

you do is you spread all your Lego

36:45

bricks on the floor and

36:48

then you take a picture of it and

36:50

then it tells you what you

36:52

can build with what you've got. Oh this sounds

36:54

brilliant. And it does full instructions of it. How

36:57

does this work? Mate, it blew

36:59

me mind, it's the first app that I've downloaded,

37:01

let me try it for free for a week

37:03

and I did not cancel that subscription.

37:05

No that is good, that's famous. Alright I'm

37:08

going to have to get this. Brick It.

37:11

Mate, that is, I feel like I've rescued

37:13

a lot of people's Sundays. Yeah. With

37:16

that piece of information. But yeah it's fantastic, so you

37:18

lie them all flat and it's pretty accurate, like you

37:20

lie them all flat, you

37:22

do a few sort of scans, different angles and stuff

37:25

and then it just works them all out and then

37:27

it gives you a list of, from really simple to

37:29

quite complicated things that you can build. Yeah. Oh

37:32

okay. We've all got a big bag of Lego somewhere haven't we?

37:34

So you know, I'm going to... Mate, I'd say yeah. And you

37:36

can do a free trial as well like I did and then

37:39

I'd forget or deliberately renew it

37:42

but yeah, that'll change

37:44

your life. Christmas, Christmas. Fire away. We

37:46

poked at it. Poked at it. That's

37:49

just bloody Christmas. Blow it. Hit it.

37:52

Poked at it. I thought she

37:54

was bloody Christmas. Blow it. Hit

37:56

it with your Christmas bag. We've

38:00

re-recorded it. And

38:02

we've only got two mugs left. So

38:06

this week and next week and then... Collectors,

38:08

I've got these ones, haven't they? This

38:10

is it. We'll have to work out a new prize for January.

38:13

I don't know what we're thinking. Again,

38:16

any thoughts, do send us an email. Let us know what you

38:18

think. Amazon vouchers or something. So

38:23

the value of the cup. So what's that like, three quid? Old

38:26

Lego maybe? Three quid, Amazon. Old Lego.

38:29

And a random selection. A handful of Lego.

38:31

A handful of Lego? Yeah, you just get

38:33

a freezer bag. Get a handful of Lego,

38:35

throw it in the bag and that's your prize. I

38:39

like a Christmas pack. These are some good ones actually. This

38:42

one, Gill Ambless starts us off. Brussels

38:44

sprouts contain cyanide. Just in

38:46

case you need another reason to avoid them. Cyanide!

38:51

I mean, Fiddle should be using that more.

38:54

No, thank you. They've got cyanide in them. And

38:59

it's good to know. You can really

39:01

use that now. That is a fact. Yeah, any

39:03

kids listening... I think a lot of people who

39:05

moan about the sprouts, they're

39:07

just moaning about sprouts because they feel like they have

39:09

to. You know what I mean? Well,

39:12

I've come round a little bit to the sprout.

39:15

I like a sprout. I've always liked

39:17

sprouts. I feel as if they

39:20

used to be horrendous in the early 70s, but

39:22

apparently we've got a different variety there that's sweeter.

39:25

And we have had for 20 odd years, and people are

39:27

still going, I don't like them. I

39:30

also maybe think it might have been the

39:32

way our mum's cooked them, Steve. There is

39:34

that. But I think you described them as

39:36

a tiny cabbage with

39:39

all the pokey cabbage. Yeah, like

39:41

a concentrated cabbage. Yeah, that's not

39:43

a definition that anyone's going to

39:45

know. No. That sounds

39:47

nice. No. No one's going to go for

39:49

that. No, exactly. No, but

39:51

I do think my mum might have

39:53

boiled all the taste out of them. Well, all the siloed

39:55

out of them. Maybe she had to

39:57

boil the siloed out. She's going to say bye.

40:00

life that woman that water that went into the gravy

40:02

if you've had more than any fair share of gravy

40:04

you'd be dead now yeah

40:06

exactly there you go good fact

40:08

though good facts are slipping at Christmas as well so

40:10

that's a strong one to start off with yeah it

40:13

is very good all

40:15

right what about Hector Wells who has

40:18

also got a Brussels sprouts facts the

40:21

devil food commonly known as

40:23

Brussels sprouts not a fan he's not

40:25

a fan actually called

40:28

Brussels sprout oh

40:30

we've saying it wrong is it Brussels we say

40:33

Brussels sprout yeah Brussels sprouts and

40:40

supplied enough power to

40:42

light up a Christmas tree on London South Bank

40:44

in 2013 well Brussels

40:48

sprouts is that because they're from

40:50

they're from Brussels I

40:53

mean I don't know any sprouts from anywhere else that's the thing no

40:55

I know like I've never had a Wigan sprout or a you know

40:58

Hamburg sprout so I

41:00

don't you know yeah the

41:02

Brussels sprout yeah I've never checked where they were grown

41:04

I think we grow them over here don't we I

41:07

mean is the the initial I don't know this is

41:09

getting too sprout heavy I think for a lot of

41:11

people no I've confirmed

41:13

it the Brussels sprout so

41:16

it's not Brussels sprouts it's

41:18

Brussels sprouts you know what

41:20

I'm just already looking for my father-in-law's

41:23

coming this Christmas I'm already looking forward

41:25

yeah and would you like what

41:27

are these called again oh actually

41:29

Rod and they're

41:31

actually not called Brussels wrong there

41:34

rod yes

41:36

and actually

41:39

called the Brussels they're from Brussels that's the

41:41

name of the place it's not called Brussels

41:43

is it Brussels not the place I

41:46

went to Bruges and then I went to Brussels yeah

41:48

no one goes to Brussels because it's not a place

41:50

these are strong

41:53

these are strong at least

41:55

a holiday says why do we put tinsel

41:57

on Christmas trees in German folklore The

42:00

mother was cleaning the house for Christmas and all the spiders

42:02

ran away to the attic. When the family went to bed

42:04

the spiders came down and spanned webs all over the tree.

42:07

When Santa arrived and saw the tree he knew

42:09

the mother would be upset so he changed all

42:11

the webs to silver and gold. And

42:15

that's why we got them. Wasn't

42:17

there a Ukrainian fact there was something like that

42:19

about spiders on Christmas trees? I'm sure we had

42:21

that one year. Oh yeah.

42:24

Decorating trees with... Is

42:26

it on the subject of tinsel? You

42:28

know when you think back to the tinsel of

42:30

your kids? Classy. Your childhood. It

42:32

was thinner wasn't it? More... Yeah.

42:35

Now it's like quite chunky isn't it? Chunky?

42:38

Yeah. It doesn't work anymore. It was

42:40

thinner. It was more brittle. Do you remember the stuff that

42:42

you used to sort of... It

42:44

was like threads of... And you'd throw

42:46

it over the tree. Do you remember those little

42:49

bits? Yeah yeah yeah. And the dog would eat a couple.

42:51

And they'd come out the next day and the collar had gone.

42:53

You're like where's the collar gone? I was like what the fuck?

42:56

It's just the shape of plastic. Yeah. That's

42:59

not... Well you're like... You take the dog for

43:01

a walk and then when you're picking its poo up it's got tinsel in it.

43:03

Yeah yeah. Or a quality straight

43:05

wrapper. I know. That's... Exactly.

43:08

That's good for the 80s. Good

43:11

times. We were talking about that here actually

43:13

at the theatre where we were doing the

43:15

panto because there's obviously lots of younger people

43:17

who were like 20, 21 and then me

43:19

and Ben and

43:22

Myra who are all sort of... Emma who are all in their

43:24

40s. And we were sort of

43:26

saying when we were kids that there

43:28

wasn't a speck of ceiling space left

43:30

in your living room. Oh my goodness.

43:32

Bells and things hanging twisting.

43:35

Foil things. Oh it was

43:37

amazing. And it was like a... almost

43:40

like a maths puzzle wasn't it? It sort of went from

43:42

corner to corner. Yeah you actually thought... Yeah

43:44

because the corner... Did you go over the top of

43:47

it? Did you go underneath to support it? Yeah. Yeah

43:50

it's making your sort of front room look like a working

43:52

men's club. We don't

43:54

do that anymore. No we've gone a bit too...

43:56

I think we've gone a bit too classy with the Christmas

43:58

decks. I think we've gone a bit classy. No, I,

44:00

I, as I said

44:02

last week, all about success. Yeah,

44:04

go for it. Yeah, just go

44:07

for it, absolutely go for it. I've got a

44:09

topical, absolute radio. Hit me with

44:11

your best facts. Oh, go on.

44:15

Well, our esteemed producer at

44:17

Dem. Yeah. 10

44:20

years at Absolute Radio. Really, 10

44:22

years? Isn't that right, Dem? How do you know

44:24

that? Mate, I know these

44:26

things. 10 years. Who told

44:28

you that? Why are you saying it like

44:31

I've done something wrong? I just don't know how you know

44:33

that. I'm

44:35

not from the facts. Don't you think?

44:37

I just want to say, I only think he's been a

44:39

public limits. He can't even form. I'm

44:42

just saying a nice thing on the radio. To

44:44

say thank you for your service, thanks for everything you do.

44:47

All the best films. And whatever company's

44:49

house says, that doesn't matter. Because that

44:52

was the side project when you were selling

44:54

two cars that was, you

44:56

know, together. That's fine. That's

44:59

a different business. Happy anniversary.

45:02

Happy 10 years. I actually did it today as well. I know.

45:04

Today as well. I know it is. 10

45:06

years, there you go. So I just wanted to mention

45:08

it on the show. We'd be nothing without you. You're

45:11

the third wheel. We

45:14

have only got three wheels. Three

45:16

wheeling now. Ideally we'd have four, but a

45:18

three wheel. Three wheel van. But

45:21

without the third wheel, Steve, we'd be nothing, would

45:23

we? No. No, we won't be able to sell.

45:26

The show wouldn't go on air. You know,

45:28

you'd have nobody be answering. You'd have no emails. We

45:31

wouldn't know what's going on, to be honest. You'd

45:33

have less off-com complaints if I weren't here though.

45:35

We would have at least one off- less off-com

45:37

complaint. Yeah, but you know what? That's fine. People

45:40

want to grass on us, let them grass on us. And

45:42

he might get us a bit hard. Yeah, because

45:44

we're edgy. We talk to all the DJs

45:46

and you can go like, how many off-com

45:48

complaints you had? None. I like

45:50

me. I'll

45:54

know Vanilla FM over there.

45:56

You know what I mean? I

45:59

don't know. Well can I tell you, we're

46:01

edgy, we're edgy. But we wanted to say thank

46:03

you Adam. Yes, thanks for

46:05

having me back every week. Well

46:08

we, to be fair, we don't have much say

46:10

in the book. We have no choice to be

46:12

honest. We just don't get what we're giving but

46:14

we appreciate what we're giving. Yeah

46:18

quite. And it was Paul who messaged

46:21

me to be fair. Fine, I think

46:23

that's where I'm at Paul, so, so

46:25

good. For a pay rise. Pretty

46:29

much. Get a demo pay rise in the new year.

46:31

We're behind that. We're 10 years and I'm on the

46:34

same money Paul. Don't

46:36

we turn aversary? That's what he's taken

46:38

from that. He's a anniversary, oh great.

46:41

Yeah. We're behind you on that as well. So

46:43

if you want to stand up to Paul, you

46:45

can tell us that we're behind you when it

46:47

comes to... Like the British public with any strike,

46:49

we're behind it until it affects us. Well I

46:51

bet there's no pay rise because you demanded mugs

46:53

for next year. So, obviously is that what you

46:55

put... Well, that's fair though innit. You got to

46:57

pick one or the other, what is it going

46:59

to be mate? Oh, that's

47:01

a difficult choice. What if we go back

47:03

to egg cup? They

47:06

were expensive, no we're sticking with mugs.

47:10

Tea shits? I think in

47:12

cereal bowls. Ah, cereal bowls.

47:14

It's breakfast innit, that's nice yeah. Yeah

47:16

that is good actually. Or a plate would be might

47:19

be good wouldn't it? I can remember a plate with

47:21

your faces on. Yeah with our faces on, like you

47:23

used to be able to get in the back of

47:25

the magazines. Yeah. Like Diana, like one with Diana on

47:27

it or the Queen. Yeah. Yeah

47:29

both of them getting into like really smart clothes.

47:32

Like the royals. Like in sort of army uniforms, we're

47:34

all name all uniforms. No I tell you what we

47:36

should pick, we should pick that sheriff. Sheriff

47:38

on the... That

47:42

should be the plate, the sheriff

47:44

from the deputy. And

47:46

that's what it's called, so you know it's up to you to

47:48

decide which one's which. It's called the sheriff in

47:51

the deputy. Yeah

47:53

that's the plate. Okay let's play that thing.

48:01

A Christmas Carol is the most adapted story

48:04

in film history. I

48:12

can believe that. Yeah, I would guess how many

48:14

versions I've asked you. Well,

48:21

you've ruined that game. How many

48:24

is that? But

48:27

all around the world and everything. All

48:29

the different languages. That's just

48:31

the British language ones. I feel like I can

48:33

name 122 British language ones. 122, that's it.

48:36

Well, I thought there'd be more. And

48:39

I've got to say, I think the Muppets one is in the top three. I

48:42

watched the animated one that was on Netflix

48:44

last Christmas, the other day. Oh, right, yeah.

48:46

That's quite good. I didn't realise it had

48:48

the musical from the Albert Finney one, thank

48:50

you very much and all that. Oh,

48:53

okay. Good stuff.

48:55

Good stuff. Kara Watkins says,

48:57

Santa's crew is all female.

49:00

Male reindeer shed their antlers at the

49:02

end of mating season in early December.

49:05

Females however, keep their thinner

49:07

antlers throughout the winter. But

49:10

Rudolph, he's male. Who is he? Well,

49:13

I don't know. I wouldn't like to assume he's

49:15

gender. I know, but I thought

49:17

the nose is the giveaway. What

49:20

big red nose? Only men can have big red noses. I'm

49:23

not saying that. I'm not saying men. I

49:25

said reindeers. Females can

49:27

have big red noses whilst they. Female

49:29

reindeers. I've said red reindeers. Female

49:32

reindeers. All right, I think they can. They can.

49:34

It's just a Rudolph. It just sounds like a

49:36

fellow's name, doesn't it? Well,

49:38

I think it's because... Yeah, because it

49:40

is. But then Donna. That's what

49:42

I was going on. Yeah, now I'm Donna or

49:44

Blitzen and the rest of them. Donna is very,

49:47

very... Vixen. I mean, they sound all

49:49

female, don't they? Now you're thinking about it. Blitzen, is there

49:51

one called Blitzen? Oh, Blitzen? So

49:53

what the pub grid question is? We have to name them all,

49:55

isn't it? Yeah, it's tough, isn't it? But if you just remember

49:57

that Bing Crosby song, you're fine. Yeah.

50:00

What are they? He names them all, doesn't he? Don't

50:03

make me name them all. Donner and Blitzen, Vixen.

50:05

Curly, Mo. Oh, that's the three

50:07

stouges. Dopey. Yeah.

50:11

Sleepy. Sneasy. Dozy, Beaky, Mckintitch.

50:13

That's them. Yeah,

50:16

I don't know if honest. Is there one called

50:18

Cupid? Prancer,

50:20

Dancer, Cupid. Oh, there

50:22

you go. Yeah, Prancer,

50:24

Dancer, Cupid. Yeah. Vixen.

50:28

Vixen. Blitzen. Yeah.

50:31

Rudolph. Cupid. Cupid,

50:33

yeah. Comet. Is

50:35

there one called Comet? Well, what about Emory's? Is

50:37

that eight of them? I don't know. With Dancer?

50:40

Dancer. Anyway, we've done about 25 there. I

50:42

mean, it's just big as crevice. You can use that as a

50:44

cheer. It'll be fine. They'll follow me along. Ellis

50:48

Cody says Jingle Bells was originally

50:50

called One Horse Open Slay. Oh.

50:54

Really? That's

50:56

a terrible title for it. So he went,

50:58

I've written this song, One Horse Open Slay. He's got

51:00

to go and sing it to me. He's got, Jingle

51:02

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way. Yeah. Oh,

51:05

one horse open, it's the one horse open. So he's

51:07

got, but he's not got Jingle Bells. Why have you

51:09

called it that? You know, he's called it One

51:11

Horse Open Slay. Well, because I say it

51:13

at the end of the verse, you said Jingle Bells about

51:15

20 times, me. And I'm going

51:17

to put Jingle Bells on this. So

51:19

let's call it Jingle Bells. Get

51:21

out. Michelle

51:24

says, not festive, but because you're in

51:26

the panto, Jack and the Beanstalk didn't

51:28

originally have a Beanstalk in the story.

51:31

What was it? She doesn't say. She

51:33

wants them to get us to Google it. It'll be something

51:35

really dark, wouldn't it? Like they all are when you look

51:37

back in those days. Yeah, exactly. Or mucky. Dark

51:40

or mucky. Oh, always. Yeah. Yeah.

51:44

We can probably guess what the Beanstalk was. Yeah, that's

51:46

what I'm saying. It's dark. It belonged to the giant.

51:49

Imagine you're halfway climbing up before you realise. You just have

51:51

a glance up. You look over,

51:53

you go, ahh. That's a funny coloured cloud, isn't

51:55

it? Really thick, dark hair. Aww, there's our

51:58

people. Oh no, it's

52:00

going to rain. You

52:08

can't take it too far.

52:11

I was on about the dark clouds. I

52:13

don't know what you were on about. Spoil

52:15

Christmas for a lot of people to announce. That was ruined.

52:18

Dave says, did you know

52:20

the original Santa was from Wulpit, Suffolk? I

52:23

thought you were going to say Brampton then. That would have been

52:26

amazing. I think you'd have known that by now. Was

52:28

they not from Germany? St Nick?

52:32

Yeah. I

52:34

suppose it's St Nick in here. Santa

52:36

Claus? Santa Claus? Some

52:40

good ones. Do well so far. Mark

52:43

Fish tells us this. One

52:45

for Steve's boy, this one. This

52:48

is for your son. Tom Hanks played six

52:50

different roles in the Polar Express. Yes.

52:54

Did you know this? Yeah, I did.

52:56

Yeah, played the wrong voice. Didn't it? Yeah,

52:58

in addition to voicing the conductor, Hanks played hero

53:00

boy, farler, hobo. Oh, he does hero boy, is

53:02

he? Oh yeah, father, hero boy, hobo on the

53:04

roof. Scrooge and Santa

53:07

Claus. Yeah, of course.

53:12

I did not know that. Didn't know he was hero boy. I

53:14

didn't know that one. I thought the kids were all kids. And

53:17

Harry Voo says, Harry Voo, what a good

53:19

name. Harry

53:22

Voo says, Christmas wasn't always on December the

53:24

25th. Does

53:26

he know? A day of Jesus' birth is actually not

53:28

mentioned in the Bible according to the Washington Post. He's

53:31

quoting the Washington Post. They

53:33

know. What they got to do

53:35

with him? Yeah. Wiggy

53:38

news. Jesus

53:41

wasn't on the 25th according to

53:43

the Brighton Gazette. He doesn't mean

53:45

anything, does he? Brighton Argos says,

53:47

you know, Santa Claus. He doesn't

53:49

mean anything. Anyway,

53:51

Harry says, I have actually heard this before.

53:54

That Christmas is not technically on the 25th.

53:56

It was initially believed to have taken

53:59

place on January the 25th. the 6th but for

54:01

reasons unknown the celebration was moved to

54:03

December 25th in the mid 4th century

54:06

well I suppose after you just had a big

54:09

New Year's Eve party and then two weeks later

54:11

like should we have Christmas? I

54:14

wonder if it's got anything to do with that thing of the

54:16

week where they said like there's

54:22

13 days missing yeah when

54:25

they just went from one calendar to the

54:27

next yeah the recording, the roman yeah this

54:29

moved and they just started adding months mmm

54:33

well some good facts there

54:35

mate some absolute zingers well

54:37

I'll pick a winner after

54:39

this absolute

54:44

radio, Manfage, where real

54:46

music matters we're playing hit me with

54:49

your best Christmas fact and we've had some

54:51

absolute beauties in let's see if we can

54:53

pick a winner take

54:57

a witness just I've just come through on my

55:00

Instagram just said Gwyneth

55:03

Paltrow has invited you to her broadcast

55:05

channel oh that's nice actually

55:07

it just come through anyone

55:10

can join this broadcast channel created by Gwyneth

55:12

Paltrow do you follow her or just I

55:15

do I do follow her but

55:17

it's also what's weird is it

55:19

is actually come from her official

55:21

life she's pressed the button on all of them what do you

55:23

think she's like she's gone to everybody who follows her it's

55:26

458 members on this thing but

55:30

what I don't understand is why is Gwyneth Paltrow hi

55:34

everyone I made a broadcast channel hi

55:36

I thought it could be a fun place to share recipes

55:38

I know what your recipes you like I don't want to

55:40

share them I just melt your can and

55:44

just connects a little bit more personally but to honest I have

55:46

no idea what I'm doing so bear with me what

55:48

on earth are you talking about Gwyneth Paltrow right?

55:52

Maybe she thinks you're the Rebecca Vardy who's leaking

55:54

stories maybe you're the only person who's got her

55:59

it's dot dot dot Jason

56:01

Manford, I said I was setting up a broadcast channel

56:04

and it was in the paper the next day. Guess

56:06

what? It's dot dot dot Jason Manford. That's what happened.

56:09

That was weird. Anyway, I shouldn't be looking at my

56:11

phone while I'm doing the show. Let's try and pick

56:13

a winner of the Hippity Best

56:15

Facts. We had Brussels Sprouts contains

56:17

cyanide. We had, it's actually Brussels

56:20

Sprouts. Which is very

56:22

good. We talked

56:25

about tinsel on trees coming from spider webs

56:28

and Santa changing the German tradition there.

56:30

122 versions of A Christmas Carol. Santa's

56:32

crew were all female because male reindeers

56:34

still have antlers in the winter. One

56:37

Horse Open Slave was the original title of Jingle Bells. Jack

56:40

and the Beanstalk did not have a Beanstalk

56:43

in the original story. Santa is originally from

56:45

Woolpit, Suffolk. Tom Axe plays

56:47

six different roles in the Polar Express and

56:49

Jesus' birthday was actually 6th of

56:51

January. According to

56:53

the South Manchester reporter. What

56:58

do you reckon, Steve? I think

57:00

both the Sprout ones are very good. On

57:03

any other day they could have won it and I will be

57:05

using those facts. But I think the one I'm going to use

57:07

most because we like to pick a topical

57:09

one. I think all of Santa's crew being females

57:11

is very good. That is a good one. I

57:14

think that's a good one. Well,

57:16

I reckon we've got two mugs left and I think this

57:18

is actually the last game of Hippity Best Facts I think

57:20

for the year. Because next week we've got the special and

57:22

then that's done in it. Am I right in saying that

57:24

again? Yeah, you can

57:27

give away two mugs mate and then we're getting these

57:29

commemorative plates. Which Sprout fact? I

57:32

like Brussels Sprout if I'm honest.

57:35

Yeah, okay. Just for the

57:37

arguments it'll start. Rod! Just

57:40

for that. Actually mate, I don't think

57:42

we've got any Brussels Sprouts. Have we

57:44

got any Brussels Sprouts? No,

57:47

we've got some Brussels Sprouts. But

57:50

I don't have any Brussels Sprouts. Just

57:53

for that. You've just done like a recording

57:55

of what's gonna happen in my house. Yeah,

57:57

I know. I am actually first

57:59

in it. and just fucking run through the dirt

58:01

kick on the roof. I

58:04

come back in a new year when the topic is what

58:06

went wrong for your Christmas. Happy

58:08

number one. I goaded

58:10

my father-in-law. Just a living early.

58:18

Hektoelz has won

58:20

a bug there with his Brussels Sprouts

58:22

facts and the other one that we

58:24

were going to give it to was

58:26

the all-female crew. That was from Karen

58:28

Watkins. Well done to you guys. Always feel

58:31

free to send us your best facts. We'll be playing that again in

58:33

the new year. Thanks

58:42

for listening this morning here on Absolute Radio. I

58:44

hope you have a lovely Sunday. What have you

58:46

got on today, pal? It's more

58:49

Christmas films. We've done Elf. We're going to

58:51

do Jingle All The Way with my boy.

58:53

He loves that one. Turn one man! Love

58:55

that one. Terrible one. Terrible. Terrible.

58:59

I hate it. That'll be good. I tell

59:01

you what I like. I

59:03

like... is it Klaus? I've not seen

59:05

that. Oh, it's good. I'll give that a

59:08

go. That's a good one. That's beautiful, actually. Really

59:10

beautiful. And after Christmas, I think he's one of

59:12

the top ones now. Yeah, that's

59:14

good. That's really good as well.

59:17

Really good ones knocking about. So yeah, all right.

59:19

We'll enjoy that, mate. I

59:21

have obviously got two pantos to do. Jack

59:25

of the Beans stalk. All the way

59:27

through to New Year's Eve. Nearly

59:29

sold out. So if you want to

59:31

come, please do. There's still tickets for 13

59:33

quid in the circle and upper circle. So

59:37

for all the family, come along. And New Year's Eve,

59:39

I've recorded a show for ITV. The

59:41

National Lottery's Big Bash. And that's wicked as well. That

59:43

goes out at 6 o'clock on New Year's Eve. But

59:45

I'll speak to you before then, because we're here next

59:47

week with our Christmas special. Yes. The

59:50

one for the people who are scared of

59:52

people crunching too close to the microphone. Misophobia,

59:54

whether it's cool. Exactly. Give that

59:56

one a miss. All right, guys. Have a lovely Sunday.

59:58

See you next week.