0:02

Jason Manford Absolute

0:04

Radio where real music

0:07

matters. Good morning it's the Jason Manford

0:10

show on Absolute Radio hope you're very

0:12

well this Sunday morning Steve Edge is here. Back

0:15

in blighty. British soil

0:17

once again. Yep it's

0:19

nice isn't it. The weather's

0:21

not as nice. You're

0:23

back mate. Yeah and I just into

0:25

Wednesday I probably see one of them new coins with

0:27

Prince Charles his face on King Charles. Sorry King

0:30

Charles. Yes. Exactly. 50 piece.

0:32

All of the new 50 pieces of King Charles his face on.

0:35

I ain't seen one of them yet. No I've

0:37

not seen one to be honest. Five million in circulation

0:39

apparently. So this is what I've come back to.

0:42

Yeah.

0:42

And the weather. Weather

0:44

was all right when I got back Sunday but last

0:47

Sunday but now it's horrible.

0:49

It's all I sort of

0:52

seem to talk about at the moment.

0:54

The weather. Weather. It's very British isn't it.

0:56

Very British and also I'm filming and so

0:59

as you know it's early pickups you

1:01

know 6 a.m. in the car. Yeah. And

1:04

you can often make a decision early doors.

1:06

Yeah. Clothes wise that you then regret.

1:09

What sort of decision in the dark

1:12

or. A yes style wise.

1:15

Yeah. But also warmth

1:17

wise or practicality wise you know.

1:19

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of

1:22

that going on. Easy done.

1:24

And I presume you're back. You've been

1:27

greeted with open arms by your loving

1:29

family. I mean I literally walked in on

1:31

four o'clock on last Sunday when I got off the plane.

1:34

I got back here

1:35

and then I saw my

1:37

son had a load of teeth that he didn't have when I left. My

1:39

youngest. Well he'd grown six.

1:42

Yeah. And the and the eldest seven year old had lost

1:45

four. So the tooth there is cleaned

1:47

up around these parts. Wow. Really

1:49

has.

1:50

But interesting my son said the other day I said

1:52

like I said to his hat I said like you need to

1:54

do your chores. He was like the chores why.

1:56

I was like well if you do your chores you get a bit of extra money

1:58

and you can buy some toys. He went.

1:59

Or I could lose some more teeth Which

2:02

is good logic innit? I mean I've

2:04

never really understood why kids

2:06

haven't made the leap here Yes Do

2:09

you know what I mean? Or I could lose some more

2:11

teeth He looks at me like why are you thinking about doing

2:13

jobs? Tooth

2:15

fairy cup What is the tooth fairy right? What is

2:18

it in your house? Just out of your house I think

2:20

A pound of tooth Yeah A

2:22

pound for the back ones Well we've

2:24

just gone in on tooth pound I think it's got to be a

2:26

coin I know but I mean It's got to be a coin yeah

2:29

but I won't name it but somebody else filmed with me

2:31

He's a fiver and I was like Their tooth fairy's not

2:33

got a wallet I'll tell

2:35

you what we've got here A pony You

2:37

know what I mean? You don't want a tooth fairy I

2:39

don't want a wallet I think we should use the tooth fairy as the same

2:42

at every house But maybe she's I

2:44

guess It's a she as well Yeah we're established

2:46

on that It's definitely a she Yeah

2:49

I think so I think it's like a sexless

2:52

flying being Well I guess it is

2:54

sexless because Yeah That'd

2:56

be weird Would you? I think wings

2:59

would be able to support a big heavy wallet With all the

3:01

credit cards in and all the tennis and all the fivers

3:03

You know what I mean? They just They

3:05

arrive with a single pound or a single tooth pound

3:08

I don't even think we're going to say something else then

3:11

I'm more confused by the wallet I

3:13

don't think they have a wallet That's all I'm saying I'm

3:16

going though No but it's magic isn't it? Yeah

3:18

but it is But just see how Where do you put

3:20

it? My pocket My pocket Once

3:23

you start pulling the threads on all

3:25

that All the floss All the

3:27

floss yeah As you

3:29

were It's magic is all you can say It

3:32

is magic It's magical And

3:34

a pound you get Although topically

3:37

we also had a tooth fairy situation

3:39

this week My

3:41

daughter managed to lose

3:44

two teeth in a week Like

3:47

literally one day after each other And

3:51

so tooth went under the pillow the

3:54

night before last Yeah And

3:56

she woke up there was a pound Very beautiful Thank

3:59

you The

4:03

second tooth came out, went back under the pillow the second

4:06

night, next morning, no pound.

4:08

Tooth was still there, Steve.

4:10

What happened? Well,

4:12

what I explained obviously was that, because

4:14

she's been one, she's thought it's like an admin

4:16

error. It can't be twice in a week. Yeah, she looked

4:19

at the rotor and gone, hang

4:21

on, I can't go down there again. I

4:23

went there. That's a mistake. So,

4:26

we just put it down to an admin error and anyway,

4:29

I presume she'll be there tonight and I don't

4:31

want to get a pound tomorrow. She has been busy with

4:33

my son, Steve. This

4:36

is Jason Mansford. This

4:39

is Absolute Radio. Where

4:44

real music matters. I actually went away this

4:46

weekend, Steve. Where you been? I went

4:48

on a stag do. Oh, stag do.

4:51

Was it a raucous one? Do you know what? It

4:53

wasn't really. It

4:56

was one of those stag do's

4:59

with a range of people. So, I've never really

5:01

been on a proper stag do. No

5:04

disrespect to yours. No, no. I

5:06

mean, I didn't interrupt her at all. No,

5:09

you didn't. As well, I always say that the favourite

5:11

line from my stag do is about six o'clock

5:14

somebody's saying to Harry Peacock, do you

5:16

want a jelly baby? And him going, do you mind if

5:18

I don't just brush my teeth? That

5:20

sums up the madness. That was as mad as it went.

5:26

So, this one was a

5:28

bit more rowdier than that. Where was it? Talk

5:31

me through it. Where was it? Villamora in Portugal.

5:36

So, I finished filming on Friday. Flew

5:38

out Friday afternoon. And

5:40

I had Friday night, Saturday night

5:43

and then I came back Sunday. But they were out

5:45

Thursday to Monday. So,

5:47

they got on it, I think, on the... And it

5:50

was more golf. These guys are sort of late. 40s,

5:52

early 50s, I think. So, it was

5:54

more golf. So,

5:56

they played golf on the Friday,

5:58

golf on the Sunday. just

6:01

mini golf on a Saturday so I was alright that's

6:03

yeah you because you're not a golf guy

6:06

I get bored on mini golf after

6:08

about the night you know what I'm glad

6:10

you said that because 18 holes

6:13

of mini golf is still

6:15

a dish water well it depends

6:18

on the course you know I mean you've got a good

6:20

range of water hazards and windmills and

6:23

holes that pop out and shit you know that's good

6:25

but yeah yeah you know what this wasn't because

6:27

we've got one in Manchester Dino Golf over

6:30

the traffic center you can see it as you go past on the m60 that's

6:33

great lots of dinosaur themed bits and Bob's

6:35

waterfalls things

6:37

to get through tunnels and very exciting

6:41

the one we went to this it was

6:43

only nine holes we have to play it twice it's

6:46

in there what was it not veil de la luego akin

6:48

to the lago which is a bit harsh bit up

6:50

itself yeah and

6:53

that one was they were all well

6:56

I say replicas in inverted commas

6:58

but they were all replicas of famous golf courses

7:02

okay like the first one was the belfry

7:04

you know there was Kelsey Manor

7:06

and there was some I don't know what the no

7:10

I think I'll have a pitch into the wrong audience

7:12

I think the people who play mini golf aren't going

7:14

this reminds me of st. Andrews I don't think yeah

7:17

it was just a bit straight it's just a bit normal

7:23

yeah that

7:25

stag do's after you know post 40 though isn't

7:27

it I think to be honest yeah it was a bit it

7:29

was and it was I only really got in on

7:32

it was my friend Dave's brother-in-law so

7:34

it wasn't even really I wasn't

7:36

directly affected but I just thought after we'd done our podcast

7:39

yeah the best man yeah I

7:42

just thought I kept thinking to myself I've never been

7:44

on one and so then this opportunity came

7:46

up I thought I'm just gonna get in on it yeah

7:49

you want a mad one though don't you you don't want yeah

7:51

it wasn't quite there was one guy who was

7:53

like all right there's always one yeah it is what I

7:55

thought if there was 12 of him this would be carnage

7:58

yeah cuz that was like Like, you

8:00

know, there was always a moment

8:03

of, is he gonna get battered? Like,

8:06

that was, but he's so hammered that it

8:08

won't even, you know what I mean? He

8:10

was a bit of that going on. Well, he had a proper hurt himself, though, when he's being

8:12

battered. No, no. Like, you know, one of them, eating's

8:15

cheating, you know, you're like, and they're going, have some

8:17

pizza, just eat something to line you up.

8:19

Yeah, you're in a Michelin-star restaurant. Eating's

8:22

cheating. Eating's cheating. Hey, come on. It's 43,

8:25

it's fine, just get some pizza down, you're lying

8:28

it. Yeah. But yeah,

8:30

to be honest, I spent most of the week, mostly Brits

8:32

out there, so I spent the most of the week just having a little boogie

8:34

and taking selfies.

8:38

And, so it wasn't too crazy. They

8:41

went to watch the rugby on the Saturday afternoon, so

8:43

I had a little tactical nap. Yeah,

8:46

I don't really, do you understand any of that? Rugby?

8:49

Rugby, no. No. No. No.

8:52

But Ireland did very well

8:54

if we watched that against Scotland. Okay.

8:57

And again, I didn't quite work it out, because at one point there was 33 in

8:59

the low, I thought, oh my God!

9:03

How's that happened? And

9:07

then a blink, so it was 33.15, I was like, how've

9:10

this got 50? Unbelievable.

9:15

I mean, I know a lot of people love the rugby, and it's a good

9:17

in, isn't it? If you'd like somebody, you can

9:19

chat to anybody about rugby, and they're like, yes,

9:21

yeah, you'll know about rugby. I was living in Swickingham, and I

9:24

remember, there's a sort of Boxing Day tradition

9:27

of going to the rugby, and we did it one year, and I was like,

9:29

what's happening? What's going on? And

9:31

you know the advertising boards around the outside, you

9:33

know, the digital ones, they said things like,

9:35

throw in penalty, because even the people

9:38

there were like, what's happened? Look at the board, how

9:40

is the penalty? What's going on? Do you know

9:42

what I mean? You don't need any football, do you? No, fair

9:44

enough. No, I think you're quite

9:46

right, we're quite right. But it was, no,

9:48

it was fun, it was a fun old stag do. Hello to everybody

9:50

who I bumped into on the

9:53

trip there. It was a couple of late nights though, did

9:55

like 3am, both nights, me still. That's

9:57

not like me, is it? It's not like you at all. Not

10:00

like me. Well, I had a couple of drinks,

10:02

but it was like, they're getting the, I mean,

10:04

beer at like half ten, they're going, you know, by

10:06

the pool. How can you start

10:08

drinking so early? So it was all around. I

10:10

thought you meant nice. I was appalled by

10:13

that. Oh my lord. You have terrible

10:15

indigestion when you try and go sleep. No, I thought

10:17

both folks, right? In the morning, oh my lord.

10:20

Right, let's meet by the pool at half ten, and they're all ready.

10:22

Went out there, just 11 pints of Sagre's

10:24

and one pina colada. Which

10:27

one was yours? Well, I think you know which one mine

10:29

would be. Jason! Manford.

10:33

You know, I told you about me knee last week. Yeah, yeah.

10:37

Shaved a little bit of cartilage off it. Knee

10:39

chat, yeah. Knee

10:41

chat, knee chat. Anyway, I

10:43

saw the specialist. I don't know if I told you this.

10:46

But I saw the specialist. And he

10:48

was sort of doing

10:51

like, he was a really nice guy, very clever,

10:53

you know, got all that. And he

10:55

was sort of doing that thing that sometimes people do

10:58

when they meet somebody off the

11:00

telly or comedians where he

11:03

was sort of doing like a couple of jokes and

11:05

stuff. Just, you might use them, you

11:07

know what I mean? Not, yeah. But

11:10

what was weird was, and I do

11:12

trust him. Yeah. As

11:14

a professional. He

11:17

was doing some jokes about it. He's a knee specialist,

11:19

that's his job, he's knees. They're

11:21

very specific. So he goes to

11:23

Butlins as a knobbly knees competition.

11:26

Yeah. He needs to get

11:28

that looked at. That's not, I mean, it's comical

11:30

and he's one, but you can have trouble walking

11:32

in a couple of years. Because like the better you get

11:35

at being a doctor or a surgeon, whatever,

11:38

the less you have to look at. You just look at one

11:41

thing. Yeah, you just focus in on one thing. Do

11:43

you know what I mean? You're right. I do legs

11:45

for a bit and then gradually I, I'm just

11:47

an ankle guy. Yeah, just focus in on one

11:50

thing. Don't you? And you remember the

11:52

name of my shoulder guy, don't you? What

11:54

was his name again? I remember he was called Professor

11:56

Funk. That was him. I remember Lady

11:58

Funk. yeah Leonard

12:01

Funk what a great name great name great

12:03

name anyway this guy's called Neil

12:07

he works on knees and he's called Neil. I know!

12:12

I know he's called Neil! So

12:14

that's how he's ended up specialising he's been looking at the

12:16

entire leg and then obviously doctor

12:18

leg at least enders he's gone I'll do

12:20

the full thing yeah and he's gone I'm

12:23

gonna I'm gonna go straight for the knee. I know

12:26

but listen to this Steve I

12:28

said it in the room the nurses there

12:30

as well right so I got a little giggle and

12:33

I said I said oh Neil

12:35

a knee specialist called Neil. And

12:38

he went what? It

12:41

never occurs to him. I swear to God

12:43

unless he's the best actor in the world I

12:46

went Neil and

12:49

you do knees. You've never

12:51

seen it like that. You've never seen it with a case.

12:54

I said what are you talking

12:57

about? I must honestly say

12:59

it was like someone out of the office I must have said it about

13:01

four times yeah Neil and

13:04

his receptionist laughed as well so she'd not heard it. Yeah

13:06

she was laughing like they must have said the joke

13:09

behind his back or something. Then

13:12

he went oh do

13:14

you know what I never realised. I

13:18

thought he was having me on here. Gotta be.

13:21

Best actor in the world. Gotta

13:24

be. I don't know maybe not maybe just never put

13:26

two and two together but it did make me trust

13:28

him less when it comes

13:30

to the diagnosis I thought what sort of person doesn't

13:33

connect his own name with his job. Yeah

13:35

what's his second name? Neil slowly.

13:37

Neil carefully yeah.

13:41

Neil carefully over there. Yeah Neil

13:43

carefully. Very

13:46

good man. Very talented

13:48

but I did think just as

13:52

a good topic at some point and do let us

13:54

know Jason at absoluteradio.co.uk whether

13:58

names and jobs or

14:00

even personalities match

14:02

up. It's good to know isn't it? Yeah.

14:06

It'd be a good day. Because I remember we had a geography

14:08

teach called... Miss

14:10

Cross. Where am I? You what? What

14:13

did you say? I call where am I? Miss

14:15

Cross. No, she didn't call Miss

14:17

Cross. That's not necessarily the

14:19

geography. But she was living all

14:22

of the time. All

14:27

of the time. She wasn't called Victoria Cross,

14:29

was she? No, that was... Because then she would be really

14:31

sort of... History teacher, that'd be impressive, wouldn't it? Yeah,

14:34

from Malta. Yeah, good idea.

14:36

Absolutely.

14:40

Where real music matters.

14:41

Now, do you remember last week, Steve, we

14:43

did... We talked about deliberately

14:46

replacing lyrics in songs. Yes,

14:48

in songs, yeah. And... I'm

14:51

Norman Whiteside. Mr. Brightside was Norman Whiteside, wasn't it? That

14:53

was our favourite, wasn't it? Yeah.

14:55

I'm Norman Whiteside. Anyway,

14:57

we got a message from Jill

15:00

in Blackpool. It says, I went to

15:02

a charity event when Norman Whiteside was

15:04

presenting some trophies and ended

15:06

up sitting on the same table as him and his

15:08

partner. I know nothing about football, so

15:10

I was just chatting to him about anything and everything.

15:13

Very nice guy. When Mr. Brightside

15:15

was played by the DJ, he and

15:17

his partner sang Norman

15:19

Whiteside. That's

15:21

brilliant. I

15:24

like how his partner is a bit I really like.

15:27

That's brilliant. I hate drilling as well. I

15:29

love that. That's good. That's

15:31

good. Well, he's literally

15:33

going, I'm Norman Whiteside. Pointing at himself

15:35

with two thumbs. I think he's pointing

15:38

at him as well. That

15:41

is brilliant. That's good to know. I'm really

15:43

pleased that that's happened in the world. I

15:47

love it.

15:47

I love it. Jason

15:51

Lamford on Absolute Radio. Do you

15:53

feel anything? Matter.

15:56

Now last week's day,

15:58

you remember it come up about... like Marmite

16:00

cheese or Marmite... Weird food pairing,

16:03

isn't it? Yeah, food combos. Combos.

16:06

Combos, food combos. People

16:09

were, they were well into it, Steve. You

16:11

just don't know what sort of topic is

16:13

gonna tickle people

16:15

up, as it were. Is that the phrase?

16:18

Is that not the phrase? Oh, go with it.

16:21

Oh, that's tickled me up. It's tickled

16:23

me right up. I'm gonna start using that one. Oh, look

16:25

at that. Oh, that's tickled me up. So

16:27

lots of people have been emailing me at jason

16:30

at absolutelyradio.co.uk.

16:34

Weird food combos, here's some more. Christian

16:36

says strawberries and cracked black

16:39

pepper. So good. I

16:41

mean, I

16:44

can't, I can't do that. Working.

16:46

No, I can't, but he says so good, Steve. Would he say

16:48

that? So good. Cracked black

16:51

pepper. Maybe they're in the sort of, you know, they fit. I

16:53

don't know. Salted, like a salted thing. Salted

16:56

pepper. They do with everything, don't they? Salt everything.

16:58

Salt's when you've got a bit of salt in it. Yeah. Who

17:01

first did that, do you think? I don't know, but I thought we

17:03

were trying to cut down on the salt. There they go. Let's

17:05

put it in chocolate. You know what

17:07

I mean? Is chocolate really bad for you? I've

17:10

made it worse. Yeah, I've made it worse. And you

17:12

can't taste the sugar or the

17:14

salt because they're, you

17:16

know, balancing each other out. But they're both in there.

17:19

I'll tell you that. What about Dave here? Who

17:22

says brown bread,

17:25

dairy-ly.

17:26

Okay.

17:27

With hundreds and thousands sprinkled on top.

17:30

That's just weird. He's just trying to be weird. He's

17:32

also said the curry pot noodles with Maltesers

17:35

stirred in. Have it. He's being weird.

17:37

Have it. Have it. I will

17:39

not have it, Dave. Maltesers. What

17:42

a weird choice. Honeycomb. Curry

17:46

pot noodle as well. I

17:48

mean, I could see the chocolate working in there, but not

17:51

the inner Malteser. No, no.

17:55

I think Dave might be pregnant. I

17:57

think Dave. because

18:00

of his growing a child is Malteser

18:03

and noodles. Very

18:08

odd, very odd, very odd man. And

18:11

Mark Pierce smoked ham

18:13

and marmalade sandwiches. I

18:16

can see that working in a weird way. Yeah, I

18:18

can see that working. Because ham is one of those things that you

18:20

brighten it up with a bit of apple, don't you? You know

18:22

pork and apple. Yeah. I

18:24

mean, you've gone straight in with a... has

18:27

he gone for an orange marmalade rather than a... I

18:29

would imagine. I think that would work. I think that

18:31

would work. I can see that working. It lifted it,

18:33

wouldn't it? Oh, I'll give him that. A lighthouse family.

18:36

Yeah, that's nice. We'll give him that. I

18:38

think I had one the other day when I was abroad, you know. You

18:41

wouldn't pot lemon juice on

18:43

chips, would you? I would not, Steve. Instead

18:46

of vinegar, you've got a bit of lemon juice on.

18:49

I mean, think about it. It's got a bite to

18:51

it, like vinegar and citrus. Here's what

18:53

happened. You put it on roast potatoes, though, don't

18:55

you, sometimes? You know, when you're roasting potatoes, you put

18:57

roast potatoes... You would, you would. No. Anyway,

19:00

I had some calamari frito,

19:03

which, you know, when you're abroad, it feels healthy, doesn't it? It's just

19:05

fried fish. It's just fried fish. It's

19:07

an exotic fish-slash-octopus

19:10

thing. Yeah. It feels better.

19:13

But anyway, it always comes with a little wedge lemon, and you squirt it all

19:15

over your fish, don't you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then

19:17

they had a bit of mianz. I had a chip. I was like, ooh,

19:19

that's lifted, huh? It's a lemon and chips.

19:22

You would never put lemon on chips, but trust

19:24

me, it works. You did put it on fish

19:26

and chips, though, didn't you? Yeah, I guess. Is

19:28

it citrusy? You don't

19:30

put it on your fish, and then go, oh, no, something's gone on

19:32

the chips. No. No matter, does

19:34

it? No, fair. Fair point, Steve.

19:37

Fair point. There you go. Andy says, last

19:39

week you mentioned ketchup on popcorn.

19:42

Years ago, we started putting popcorn on

19:44

the hot dogs at the cinema. It has to

19:46

be sweet popcorn, and the hot dog has ketchup

19:48

and mustard. Next time you go to the pictures, try

19:50

it. Don't second-guess it, he says. Just try it.

19:53

It'll change your life. I think the lad behind

19:55

the camera will go, what? The lad

19:57

behind the camera will go, no, mate. No, I'm not doing that. I

19:59

know, but just try it. know what

20:02

I invented? I invented

20:06

getting your popcorn, getting

20:08

your bag of sweets, your chocolates and

20:11

putting them in the popcorn. I invented

20:13

that. Nobody

20:15

was doing that 10 years ago. I

20:17

invented it. I bet they were doing it in America.

20:20

Maybe, but they weren't doing

20:22

it in Stockport Steve. No, you bought

20:24

it to Stockport. I invented it. I've

20:27

got the British rights. I've

20:31

got the British patent to it. I invented

20:33

that and now Steve, they sell

20:37

popcorn toppers. Do they sell

20:39

it in the cinema you go in or you used to go

20:41

in? You just give them a little wink when you order it. No,

20:44

I don't give them a little wink. I go,

20:46

who's got the copyright on this? Whose

20:49

idea was all this then? Oh, it was

20:51

Gary. Get Gary

20:54

out of here now. All right, dad. There

20:57

you go, mate. Good idea that. Where did you come

20:59

up with that? Where did you get all that, eh? Watching me on the cameras,

21:01

are you? Just thought of it.

21:04

I'm sure you did, Gary. What, you thought

21:07

a packet of Milky Way

21:09

Stars would taste nice in some popcorn?

21:12

No, you didn't, Gary. Just come up with it.

21:14

No, you didn't. I did just thought of it. All

21:16

right. Well, we'll have a little word with the patent office and

21:19

they'll be clumping on you like a ton of bricks, my

21:21

friend. Like a ton of bricks. Just what a percentage.

21:27

I invented it. Right, here's the rest of your

21:29

food combos. Right. And

21:32

so if you want to join in on anything that we talk about on the

21:34

show or anything that just pops into your head, I

21:36

don't mind. I like reading your

21:38

thoughts. Jason at absoluteradio.co.uk. Pete

21:43

from the Wirral said, in

21:47

Vietnam, in Vietnam, he said, in

21:50

Vietnam, particularly in the tropical

21:52

south, the people will dip fresh fruit into

21:54

salt and chili powder before eating it. Pineapple,

21:57

watermelon, guava brings the sweetness out. Sounds

21:59

weird. but it's actually fantastic. I

22:03

think that might work, yeah. I feel like you've got to be

22:05

in the right climate for that. It's alright when

22:07

you're somewhere out in it, but if you're doing that

22:09

in a pub, beer garden, you know what I mean, where

22:11

it's raining, you're under the one brawly and it's lashing

22:13

all around you, and

22:16

you're like, that'd be weird. Yeah, I

22:18

think also it needs tropical

22:20

fruit as well, pineapple,

22:22

your watermelon, your guava. Not ever tinned. That's

22:26

not going to work, is it? No, it's

22:29

not going to work, is it? Peach

22:31

melba with chilli on it. Tim Andrews says,

22:34

how about peanut butter and salad cream?

22:36

Family favourite for years. It

22:38

sort of dropped off the radar, the

22:40

old salad cream, isn't it? And old mayonnaise is

22:43

sort of... They're

22:45

not really similar. That's the thing, it's the same colour.

22:48

It's just a simple... Not coming and

22:50

it's just battered it. I

22:52

do like salad cream with a couple of things

22:54

though, but not... It has gone a bit by the way,

22:58

so that'll be one of them that. They'll

23:00

cancel it in a few years' time and everyone will be up

23:02

and having a little... I love salad cream!

23:06

Well if you did, it'd still be on the shelves. Like neighbours.

23:08

And then it'll come back and everybody goes, back, and everybody

23:10

goes, I don't know what it's still. Yeah,

23:12

exactly. Caroline. So

23:16

Sean, Caroline, Eoin and

23:19

Ike. Is it Eoin or the win? Eoin.

23:24

O-I-N. How'd you say that? Eoin.

23:28

I'm gonna say Eoin, but it can't be.

23:30

No.

23:31

Eoin. I'm gonna say Eoin. Just

23:34

go Eoin. Anyway,

23:36

they live in Bangkok, you don't matter. Thailand, but

23:38

they enjoy Yorkshire puddings with jam. Well we

23:40

used to do that growing up, because there'd always be some Yorkshire

23:43

puddings only. It's like pancakes, isn't

23:45

it? Yeah, just flour, eggs and water,

23:47

isn't it? Yeah, we'd have a couple of them for

23:49

pudding. Try putting vinegar on sprouts.

23:52

Says the captain. I

23:55

am the captain. That's what he's called himself. He's

23:58

finished. He lifts everything a bit, doesn't he? I mean

24:00

I could get that. I don't know what it's about.

24:02

Again, a Martin says, this is a nice one,

24:04

vanilla ice cream with really salty

24:06

peanuts. I think

24:08

that might work. That could work, yeah. Salt,

24:11

mm, I'll get that. Lynn says, when I was

24:13

younger, my older brother dared me to dip celery

24:15

in sugar and eat it. Probably expected me to throw up

24:17

for his entertainment. Well, I actually liked it and I

24:19

continue to eat it for the rest of my life.

24:21

Hmm?

24:22

How about that? I feel like you've taken

24:25

something quite healthy. Dip

24:27

it in sugar. Liam

24:30

says, the Elvis sandwich, French toast with bacon,

24:32

peanut butter and fried banana topped with maple

24:34

syrup. Well,

24:36

he died at 42, Liam, so

24:38

have a little think about that. Fuck you,

24:40

took into that

24:41

again. And Ian

24:44

says, sliced beef, sausage and licorice, all sorts,

24:46

the bright-coloured ones together on a stick like

24:49

cheese and pineapple delish. No,

24:51

that's weird. Oh, that's weird. Weird.

24:54

Not having that, not having that. And Lisa

24:56

likes lime curd and sliced

24:58

banana sandwiches. Again,

25:01

the curd's gone by the wayside. Yeah,

25:03

the lemon curd. I was everywhere when I was

25:05

a kid. Yeah, we've got one jar of it

25:07

in the fridge that came with a hamper at Christmas.

25:09

I feel very much like the salad

25:11

cream. I don't know when it's gone off. You

25:14

know what I mean? Nah, I had no idea, mate. You

25:16

know, man, it's got eggs in it, so you'll just go, oh, I've been

25:19

there. I've been there in about a month. Yeah.

25:21

But with the curd, how do you know? I tell you what, you

25:23

can tell when it's gone off. Philadelphia

25:26

cheese. Oh, they let you know,

25:28

big style. Whoa, there is no mistake

25:31

you and the police guy. You've got the lid. It's like

25:33

some sort of petri dish, isn't it? It's

25:35

like they found another variation

25:37

of COVID. Fireworks, it's

25:39

all going off in there, isn't it? You know, don't you go,

25:42

that's off. I mean... Not even

25:44

a clue, is there? It's like you've

25:46

created a new world. Yeah, there's not even a

25:48

doubt that that's gone off. And

25:50

it also can be like one

25:53

day fine, the next day, new

25:55

world. Mm. It's impressive.

25:58

I feel like a lot of oranges are like that. fruit

26:00

just sat in a bowl and then you just pick it

26:02

up and the bottom of it's just like BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

26:05

like white ghostly zombie

26:07

dust. The top bit looks fine.

26:10

It's had a lot of that. If

26:12

you're looking for fruit flies, there's a lot of fruit flies

26:14

in there, why is that? And then,

26:16

there's your answer.

26:28

Right, that

26:30

was so

26:31

long. What was that? You can't judge it

26:33

can you? Always think it's going to end. Yeah,

26:36

it's really long. Right, we've

26:38

been messing around, chatting about other things, but people are waiting for this

26:40

Steve. I can only imagine, if it was

26:42

live, how angry people would be texting

26:44

in right now. Still furious. You

26:47

can email us, jasonabsoluteradio.co.uk You

26:50

can win yourself a Jason Manford Show mug if

26:53

you wow us with your amazing facts.

26:55

Let's just get on with it. Get

26:57

on with it. Brad

26:59

Mead, we all know what his family used to do. Brad

27:02

Mead says, I've got you a fact that

27:04

I reckon you can use in everyday life. The

27:07

Hackney Carriage Taxi isn't

27:10

named after Hackney, which

27:12

many people think it is. Is it not? Instead,

27:14

it's named after a breed of horse that used to

27:16

pull the carriage at Hackney. That's good. That

27:19

is good, isn't it? That's good. If

27:22

true, because we don't know any more. Well,

27:25

we've got to take that out of the equation

27:27

Steve. I think it will

27:29

take me a couple of weeks. That

27:31

is a great fact, if true. Only 1%

27:35

of the world's population can solve a Rubik's

27:37

Cube.

27:39

That's

27:40

Mark. I'm not in that 1%.

27:42

Are you? No, but

27:45

our neighbour's son can do them. Whenever

27:49

he's round, I just get him to

27:51

do it. Can he do it fast? Fast,

27:53

yeah. Back, eyes closed, doesn't matter.

27:56

Eyes closed? it

28:00

behind his back. I think there's

28:02

a documentary on Netflix about Rubik's cubers

28:05

and there is like it's six seconds and he'll just pick

28:07

up and throw it down it's probably bigger than that it's

28:09

ridiculous. That's probably him

28:11

now. That's the Rubik's Cube

28:14

guy. I'm sorry

28:16

mate I'm busy I'm busy.

28:19

Only 1% of the world's population has over Rubik's

28:21

Cube. Yeah it must be I'd love someone

28:24

to explain I think it must be a pattern of like

28:26

left left right right right left to

28:29

left right left you know I mean it must be that. What's

28:32

the percentage of people who worked out that if you

28:34

take off the middle one there's a little

28:36

screw in there undo that take it all apart put

28:38

it back together. What's that percentage?

28:40

That's about 5% is it? That feels like it's stopped.

28:42

It feels like cheating. Well

28:44

it is definitely. Very much so yeah. Chelsea

28:47

says when we eat raw garlic the odour

28:49

comes initially from the mouth then from

28:51

the stomach and finally through the lungs and

28:53

skin.

28:56

But I went to a

28:58

like what was it I think

29:00

it was like some sort of I went to some sort of

29:02

it was one of those Christmas presents like you know a butchery

29:04

course. But there was something

29:07

the guy said if you slice a garlic and there's like a little

29:09

black bit in the middle if you take that bit out that

29:11

is the bit that stops you know it

29:13

hanging around and he showed

29:15

us he just peeled it there and I remember a woman in the class went life's

29:18

too short innit and so

29:21

ruined his idea but apparently that's the thing. No,

29:24

keep me eye out. And what about this slightly

29:27

topical Dave says did you know Halloween

29:30

was used as a ritual to find a spouse?

29:33

What's that? Hmm. How

29:36

do you want to know more about that? How do you find it?

29:38

It's like a sort of old-school

29:40

Tinder. Yes,

29:43

it would be yes. Yeah, I

29:45

mean what sort of spouse is knocking about

29:47

on

29:48

Halloween? Well, I mean you'd get a surprise wouldn't you because

29:50

it could come like witchy

29:53

green fags big warts and everything. Yeah, you'd

29:55

probably look like. That's not, yeah but that might be what

29:57

they look like.

29:57

That's true, yeah that's true.

29:59

real camel. And Rachel says

30:02

all of the world's gem quality cut

30:04

diamonds would fit inside a

30:06

double decker bus. I love

30:09

when it's measured in double decker bus. It's always

30:11

with a double decker bus. I

30:13

was lost time you were on a double decker bus Steve. Well

30:15

no, I went to the twickenham there quite a lot but it's interesting isn't it

30:18

because if somebody, I'd go oh wow that's

30:20

interesting but if they said a single decker bus I'd go

30:22

I can't work that out I don't know what that means. No,

30:25

always in a double decker. I know I was writing something today

30:27

in a script that I

30:29

needed to reference

30:32

something and I also compared it

30:34

to a double decker bus. It's just

30:36

the thing that we use as a measuring

30:39

point. Is that what it feels? When Ava

30:41

Knievel was like jumping over stuff he

30:43

went I want to jump about 80 meters

30:49

or something like that and they've gone what do you mean like 16

30:51

double deckers and even they've put it

30:53

and he's got why don't they just jump over the buses. That's

30:56

what's happened. Tuck

31:00

is well up for it. He says in Switzerland it's

31:03

illegal to own just one guinea

31:05

pig. Is it? Why? Oh he's

31:08

not going to tell us. It's

31:10

going to do with like you know just companionship

31:13

and their need. Well

31:15

yeah companionship I think it is. He sort of

31:18

goes into quite a loss of detail.

31:20

They're not solitary creatures they need

31:22

a mate. Yeah basically they're

31:25

considered to be victims of abuse if their owners

31:27

don't let them regulate and interact with other members of their

31:29

species. Well I see a mirror and go oh it tastes a lot

31:31

weird and then I see another guinea pig and go oh I know

31:33

I'm a T for alright. Maybe that's what

31:36

it is. I think so yeah. Do I

31:38

look like you? Yeah.

31:40

Oh my lord. Really with them teeth.

31:42

Your teeth are worse than mine mate. What?

31:48

Rob Pylings says 90% of

31:50

the world's fresh water is found in the Antarctic.

31:54

That's good. 90%? 90% yeah. It's not a littler

31:56

area is it I'm

32:00

jumping all the water in all the water things.

32:03

Yeah, exactly. Alison

32:05

Goodwin says, in China, some pandas

32:07

in zoos have been known to fake

32:09

their own pregnancy in order to get better treatment.

32:12

Oh, that's good. Clever, the clever panda.

32:15

Oh, I'm pregnant. Panda do's. Oh, I think I

32:17

need a McDonald's. I think I need a McDonald's. Yeah,

32:20

not bad, not bad in that. Kate

32:23

Gardner has just sent numbers in and I cannot work

32:25

out what the... Oh, is

32:27

it like a pad? Yeah, she's basically

32:29

written 111, 111, 111. Oh,

32:32

right, I've seen the times now, that makes sense. So

32:35

this is, oh gosh, I've got to try and

32:37

work this out, 111,000, 11,000, 11,000, I don't know. Basically

32:46

all the ones. There's nine ones. Nine

32:49

ones, okay. Is that 11 million? I don't

32:51

know. Nine ones. 11 billion, isn't

32:54

it? No, how many's a million? How

32:56

many's a million? Six, isn't it? Six

32:59

is a million. No, that's, yeah,

33:01

yeah, exactly, yeah. Six zeros

33:04

is a million, right. So this is 111 million.

33:08

There we go. Right, okay, we haven't gone into billions, yeah,

33:11

thank God. That was actually a stress of the outlet.

33:14

I just feel like we're being watched. I feel like somebody's on

33:16

me shoulder. Do you know what he said? Do you

33:18

know what he said? She's like ready to pound on

33:20

us. All right, I'm gonna go again with

33:22

this. Okay. If

33:25

only we were pre-recorded and we could get rid of the bits

33:27

where we sell thick. Yeah. 111 million, 111,111

33:36

times 111 million, 111,111. This

33:42

is gonna get us into a trouble, I know. Equals.

33:45

Yeah. One, two,

33:47

three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight,

33:49

seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Right,

33:52

okay, well, I'll accept that. But I'm,

33:54

you know, I don't,

33:56

yeah. But is it that

33:58

mad? It is, yeah. All the ones.

34:01

Yeah. All the ones.

34:03

Equal one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight, seven,

34:06

six, five, four, three, two, one. What? What?

34:09

Amazing. It's amazing.

34:11

That is unbelievable. I don't know what that number

34:14

is. That number's too big for me to... I

34:17

can't even work that out. I'm sure somebody will tell

34:19

us on Twitter. Billion. What's above a billion?

34:23

Trillion. Trillion? What's above a

34:25

trillion?

34:26

Could...

34:28

Google. Google

34:31

infinite, isn't it? Googleplex is infinite, isn't it?

34:35

Oh, come on. Let's not... What are you

34:37

doing? Got ourselves in trouble again. Yeah. Ashley

34:40

Akers gives us a fact. A man once survived

34:42

death after falling out of his plane whilst

34:44

doing a loop the loop. Oh, that's good.

34:47

Yeah, he fell out of his plane and his aircraft continued

34:49

the loop and he landed back on the wing of his own

34:51

aircraft. And

34:55

he got back in, did he? Apparently so. Imagine

34:58

him terrifying that wood bait. Imagine, oh

35:00

my God. Oh, I'm all right, I'm all right.

35:03

I just gotta get back in, oh, he's balancing it,

35:05

oh wait, whoa. What I like

35:07

as well about Ashley is that he or she,

35:09

I don't know of course, has written loop

35:12

de loop. Yeah, like it's French.

35:16

De loop. I like that, instead of

35:18

loop, loop the loop. I

35:20

love that. Loop de loop. So

35:23

yeah, I presume the roof must have been off his... He

35:26

must have had the window open. He might have

35:28

had the window open, just a little bit of breezing. You know what I

35:30

mean? He might have been smoking and he don't want to eat in a cockpit. You

35:32

might have made a spot for him to open. De

35:35

loop, saved his own life. Saved his own life, dropped

35:38

his bag. Could have gone very wrong,

35:40

couldn't it? A second later he just wanted to be in front

35:42

of the airplane. Yeah, he's had it on the propeller,

35:44

yeah. Imagine if he landed straight back

35:46

in the chair though. He'd have gone, whoa, no

35:49

one saw it. Oh, come on, he got down,

35:51

he got, he didn't believe what happened up there and they're going, whatever,

35:53

mate. I fell out and I

35:55

landed right back in where I was. His

35:58

arm's still on the, ah, that'd be great. Not

36:02

only was his military career amazing but the guy was

36:04

also a rugby union international for Scotland

36:06

too. Yeah, for Scotland, yeah,

36:08

yeah, got a call up and did that. And

36:11

I did a loop de loop over the

36:13

Somme, yeah, don't know why.

36:18

Just because I can. Loop

36:21

de loop, I don't know why it's making

36:23

me laugh. But

36:25

that's the official name for it. Is there a song

36:28

called loop de loop? I know what you're thinking

36:30

about. You're thinking about Shaggy Tailfeather

36:33

from the Blues Brothers. Here we go, loop de loop.

36:36

Yeah, that's what it is. That's

36:38

exactly what happened, loop de loop from that

36:40

song. That fella, he wrote that film,

36:42

Blues Brothers. Which fella? The

36:45

fella who... What, Graham Donald? Yeah,

36:47

he wrote that film. No way. Yeah, come

36:49

up with that idea first. I can't believe it. And he invented

36:51

cinema. Yeah, I bet he invented the chocolate

36:54

and the popcorn as well. Oh,

36:56

here we go, back to the pipe.

37:02

Absolute Radio,

37:02

Manfred. Where real music

37:04

matters.

37:05

OK, we need to pick a winner to send our

37:07

mug to this morning as a prize. If

37:09

you want to join in at all, all you've got to do is email us, jasonatabsoluteradio.co.uk.

37:13

I'm going to rattle through them, Steve. All right.

37:16

We found out that Hackney carriages aren't

37:18

from Hackney. They're named after a breed of horse. Mark

37:21

Davidson told us about Rubik's Cube. The people who

37:23

can solve it are in the top 1% of the world's

37:25

population. Eating raw garlic,

37:27

the odour comes initially through the mouth, then the stomach,

37:30

then finally through the lungs and skin. That's from Chelsea. Halloween

37:33

was used as a ritual to find

37:35

a spouse in Switzerland. It's illegal

37:37

to own just one guinea pig, according to Tuk. Rachel

37:40

told us about the world's gem-quality cooked

37:42

diamonds would fit inside a double-decker bus.

37:45

90% of the world's fresh water is found in the Antarctic, according

37:47

to Rob. Kate just sent

37:49

numbers. Alison told

37:52

us in China some pandas in zoos have been known

37:54

to fake their own pregnancy in order to get better treatment.

37:57

And Ashley told us about a man who once survived.

38:01

Death after falling out of his own

38:03

plane whilst doing a loop

38:06

de loop. Pretty

38:09

impressive. So quite a lot of good ones there. Yeah.

38:11

I feel the loop de loop one is impressive.

38:14

And we like the name. But

38:16

I think I want to know more about the Halloween

38:18

one. And I feel like I can use it in the coming next

38:21

few weeks. Yeah. How that

38:24

was a dating service. Halloween. Did

38:27

you say it was only in one part of the world? No.

38:30

No, I think. Yeah. Right.

38:32

Okay. Could be. Could be a

38:34

thing. I want that I think. I

38:36

think I want to know more about that. I want to know how that

38:39

worked out. How that works. Alright. That's

38:42

our winner. So we're going to

38:44

go under and just go back. Right. That's

38:46

our winner. That's going to Dave. Just

38:49

as Dave. You've got yourself

38:51

a Jason Manford show mug this morning

38:54

on Absolute Radio. If you want to join in

38:56

future shows, email

38:57

us. Your best fact, Jason. I've

39:00

got it.

39:09

There's big news coming out

39:11

of the Edge household. The

39:13

vineyard that grows in the back

39:16

garden over a little pergola. Whatever

39:18

you want to call it. So last year,

39:20

obviously we got here. We hadn't done any of the work.

39:23

It was there. We hadn't trimmed the leaves back.

39:25

We got nine bottles of Rosé. No way. Nine.

39:29

This year, I've had a little trim every couple

39:31

of months. And then I was away. So there

39:33

was a five-week window when it was just being left. But anyway. When

39:36

you say vineyard? Well, it's

39:38

vines. You've got some vines. It's,

39:41

yeah, the wine vines are the proper

39:43

grapes, you know, with the thing. It's established.

39:45

It's been here about seven years, I think. Okay,

39:48

yeah. Anyway. I think in my, when

39:50

you described it just then, I'm thinking of that scene

39:52

in Godfather. Just rose and rose. No,

39:55

it's more, it comes over the thing that we're

39:57

set on. It's lovely. It dapples the sun.

40:00

Anyway, all that aside, nine bottles last

40:02

year. This year they picked them all off

40:04

while I was away. I'll have to say there's still loads

40:06

left that have ripened since. Anyway,

40:09

forty four bottles. What? Forty

40:12

four bottles of your finest rosé. No

40:15

way. Well, we've gone thirty rosé and

40:17

we've gone fourteen white. Just to

40:20

see what that's going to be like. Yeah. So

40:23

the problem is, last year we didn't name

40:25

it because obviously we only had nine bottles. It was pointless

40:27

doing a label. This year we're

40:29

going to name it. So is it expensive

40:31

to do this process? It's about three pound sixty

40:34

a bottle. So you give it to a vineyard then the road

40:36

car tail. How about the bottom shelf

40:38

at Tesco? Yeah, and they put a Shorz

40:40

in it. You know it's grown in your... Does it taste like

40:43

the bottom shelf at Tesco? No, we had

40:45

some last year that was really nice. You

40:47

sit underneath the vines like a

40:50

cannibal, drinking it, watching

40:52

them grow. I'm going to have you in

40:54

a couple of months. But anyway,

40:56

so we need a title. It's funny cannibal

40:58

if you're also for grapes, ain't it? No, I know. But

41:00

you know, it feels wrong drinking it underneath. Oh,

41:03

and see, like you're rubbing it into its family. Yeah.

41:05

I'm drinking your sister. This is your... You

41:07

know, your granddad makes a nice drop.

41:10

You know what I mean? He's delicious. So we've

41:12

got to work on... He goes well with fish. We've

41:15

got St. Leonard's. Oh, yes. We've

41:17

got St. Leonard's and it's a rosé. We've put it out there to

41:19

the people. Well, if anybody's got any ideas. We

41:22

need a name for Steve's wine.

41:25

So what we've got, we've got Steve Edge. Steve

41:27

Edge. Yeah, we've got St. Leonard's on C. St.

41:29

Leonard's. We've got... It's a rosé. I

41:32

don't know what the white is going to be, but they'll probably have a different name.

41:34

What else we got? Yeah. What else we've got to throw

41:36

in there. So I think that's it. You've

41:39

got to work with that. St. Leonard's, rosé.

41:42

Not a lot, but people, you know, could come

41:45

up with stuff. You should get a little sign that says

41:47

it's wine o'clock. Yeah.

41:49

It goes very free, isn't it? It's Prosecco o'clock. I

41:52

think Prosecco time. Oh, my God. Also,

41:55

on the subject of Prosecco, while I was in

41:57

Malta... You can't make Prosecco out of these.

41:59

You probably could it's

42:02

sparkling wine isn't it fine discovered a drink

42:04

while I was in Malta It's an Italian

42:06

drink called frança quarter.

42:08

You're the frança quarter. No Steve. It

42:11

is the Italian champagne and

42:13

it will blow your mind I

42:15

don't really like champagne

42:21

No,

42:24

I'm just saying I've just I mentioned it if

42:26

anyone's heard of it it is very good So

42:30

you've got so that Rose

42:33

a minute manners You

42:36

got Hastings you can use Hastings if you are I don't

42:38

want the bottle of Hastings It's like that because what

42:40

that was a wine shop called that there was

42:42

a workshop called that okay?

42:50

Anything from the sea you know

42:53

you I'm not calling octopus, but you

42:55

know you yeah, no selkie or The

42:59

Any of those I suppose or

43:01

maybe go on IMDB and have a look at Steve's

43:03

back catalogue of work Yes, something in

43:05

one of the programs that you've that

43:08

you've been in yeah, it's wine.

43:10

Yeah, Phoenix whites could be the Phoenix

43:13

white that could be the yeah that

43:16

could be the white the 14 bottles of white you

43:18

know yeah It's not a bad idea. You

43:20

know you might have you might have done it that Could

43:23

be good. Yeah, it could be good Try

43:25

to think well, she's been in everything.

43:27

Yeah, I mean Madame Blanc. I mean Blanc

43:29

is white No, no yeah, it's a

43:32

suit up with a little yeah You

43:34

know I meant to pronounce the the hard C

43:36

by the way when you say Oh, you know

43:39

I only found this as a French Obviously like

43:41

French people in my number one they went yes, what British

43:43

people always do you don't say this long is

43:45

blonde Yeah, well Could

43:47

have met Leblanc I blame him Yeah

43:54

Okay wine suggestions welcome 44

43:57

bottles right that Let's

44:00

have a think. If you think of any good names for Steve's wine,

44:03

JasonAt time,

44:33

probably between that Peter Kay thing, maybe that's where

44:35

we met around that time. Well that's the first thing

44:37

I did really. It literally is, according

44:40

to IMDB. It is, yeah. 2000. I think we filmed

44:43

it in 1999 as well, so it was on in 2000. Oh look, you're a

44:47

programme associate for a couple of shows. What

44:50

was that? What, Cats? First and last in eight out

44:52

of ten cats. Two of your things, yeah. 49

44:55

episodes of eight out of ten cats and three works

44:58

together on. You don't get a name like writer, do

45:00

you? It's basically because they

45:02

don't want people to know that we had writers. We

45:05

just made it all up on a

45:08

spot every time, like a

45:10

month a week when they spin that thing. Yeah

45:13

and they just come out and do brilliant off the top of their

45:15

head. They've been just doing it over for a week. Look,

45:20

Royal Variety Performance 2020 though, writer

45:22

credit. Do you know what? I think

45:24

that should be a pub quiz question in the future. Who was

45:26

the only person in the audience at

45:29

the Royal Variety Performance 2020? And it

45:31

was me. I was the only person in

45:33

the audience. Yeah, it was just loads of screens. You had a bank of screens in

45:35

front of you and I was stacked in the middle

45:38

of Blackpool. Where was it? Winter Gardens? Yeah,

45:40

yeah. I was the only one in the audience. I

45:43

was the only one who saw it. Still didn't laugh.

45:45

No, I did. I started, I shouldn't have echoed because

45:48

that was a bit much. I just went steps round.

45:51

All right, Tozer, we've heard enough. That

45:54

was wrong. Gosh,

45:56

you've done loads though. I remember these Christmas lights.

45:59

That was good, wasn't it? That was the last show. Peep show,

46:01

no angels, that was good with the nurses. Joe

46:03

Joyner and she's worked with her a couple of times

46:05

since. The street, I don't remember that one. It

46:08

was like a drama. Oh, night bass manager,

46:10

that was very funny. A lot of

46:13

fun, films in Brentford, only in Brentford. I had

46:15

to teach the people in Brentford to shout

46:17

in a scarce accent because it was setting the wheel off. New

46:21

street law. Yeah, I don't remember much about

46:23

that. John Tomlinson, I remember there was a scene in a toilet

46:25

and they had to walk past him, but the dolly was in the

46:27

way, the camera's on. And I had to step

46:30

over it but look like there wasn't a dolly there. The

46:34

cup, that was good actually, the cup. The cup, yeah,

46:38

that was Jack Docherty and Murray Hunter. Very good.

46:41

Very good, enjoyed that, all filmed in Bolton. Increasingly

46:43

putting decisions of Todd Margaret. Weirdly,

46:46

filmed in Twickenham, but I did live in Twickenham then. Starlings,

46:49

which you wrote obviously as well. Walk on the Wild

46:51

Side, brilliant. That was us, wasn't it? It

46:53

says here, but you're only in two episodes, which can't

46:55

be true. I've Walk on the Wilds though. Yeah, you're in them

46:57

all. Yeah. Happy

47:00

Valley, you've done some good stuff. I get it, but... Paddington,

47:04

you might have seen Steven Paddington, I got shot myself, he

47:06

never told me he was in it, and then I just walked in. I got drunk, Julie Walters.

47:09

Julie Walters, yeah. Scarpa of course, got

47:11

to work with... Jason Manford. Jason

47:13

Manford. Yeah. ...Ledge. Death

47:16

in Paradise, oh, tell you what, and Ted Lasso of course,

47:19

is your most recent,

47:21

apart from Madame Blount. Madame Blount. There's

47:23

one on there, I was in Miami-D-B, I was in here, it was called Britannia,

47:26

it's not on there, I've never seen it. What, were you

47:28

like in the, like a war thing? No,

47:32

it's like a, it's a sort of, what

47:34

is Britannia? It's, what's his face? Mackenzie

47:37

Crook, is it? He directed that episode, yeah. Right, yeah, yeah.

47:41

I thought it was like a Game of Thrones-y type. It is a type, it is that type

47:43

of thing. It was during the COVID,

47:46

it was, I think it was filmed in 2020, and it was, at Disney Dark, we were

47:49

on aircraft anger in a, in like

47:51

a tent with all wind blowing, and no one knew

47:53

if we were all going to get COVID for filming

47:55

it, it was dark times. It

47:57

was quite bleak anyway, I think. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

48:08

Now of course the big news

48:10

this week was that I'm going back out

48:12

on tour. I know it's very exciting

48:15

but put that to one side

48:17

for a second because there's a more immediate

48:19

tour happening. Mine's not till next year. There's one

48:21

this year that you should get in on. Brilliant

48:24

comic, Reece James. I don't

48:27

know if it's just my algorithm, Reece, but

48:30

I am seeing a lot of you at

48:33

the moment. Thank God. We've

48:35

been paying a lot of money to target that directly to

48:37

you actually. Am I literally your

48:39

demographic? You're the cookies. You're

48:42

the cookies. It's just hopefully Manford comes

48:44

along because all my dreams will have come

48:46

true. Well, you're at New Century Hall in Manchester

48:49

on the 10th of November. I am, yeah.

48:51

Maybe I'll pop along and have a little watch. But I feel

48:53

like I've seen a lot of you. I

48:55

presume you, I don't know if you can win

48:58

Mock the Week, but I presume you must have won Mock the

49:00

Week because the clips are mostly

49:02

from that. Yeah, I mean,

49:04

yeah, it's a classic case of the

49:06

points not mattering technically

49:09

on Mock the Week. But look, we all know they matter to come

49:11

off. They don't matter when you're losing,

49:13

you know? Yeah, no, exactly. No, they didn't matter

49:15

on it. I'm saying cats either, but I did win 12 series.

49:19

Well, exactly. So this

49:21

show, is it about anything or are we just having

49:23

a laugh? Classic stand-up comedy show, really.

49:26

Not technically about anything, you know. It's

49:28

the usual, this is where I'm at in my life, thus

49:30

it has inspired the following thoughts. What,

49:32

your early 30s? So

49:34

a lot of the show's about sort of me

49:37

resisting the pressures of being 32, you

49:39

know, like getting married, starting to have kids, stuff like that.

49:41

No interest in it. Not bothered. No,

49:43

not bothered about that. In a long-term relationship, but

49:46

both of us don't bother. I'll make clips

49:48

for social media. Very good

49:50

at them. Let me tell you, you're

49:52

well up there. I've sort of just given it to you

49:55

and that woman who moves bees without

49:57

any equipment or gloves on. What an

49:59

algorithm. with them, you're working with by the way. They're

50:01

the democritus. My word. The

50:03

two biggest clips right now. If

50:06

I could get you in a beehive, my goodness,

50:08

my computer would blow up. You

50:10

wouldn't know what to do. Two endangered species there. What's

50:16

in your show? What are you talking about? Well, I'll be honest

50:18

actually. Now you say that, that is a concern for future

50:20

shows. It's sort of all right when you're early 30s. You

50:22

could still, I could still get out there. But you know, what

50:24

am I gonna talk about in 10 years time? I'm not

50:26

gonna have any kid anecdotes. Because you'll

50:29

be 42 and you'll be saying, oh you know when you're at a party

50:31

and your audience will also be 42 going, no

50:33

I don't. No I do not mate. What are you

50:36

talking about? Oh God.

50:38

That's a good point. I think I'm gonna have

50:40

to. I think I'm gonna have to. You get on Parenting

50:43

Hell as well. The Rob Becker George Widdicombe. There's all

50:45

sorts of stuff you can do. Oh there's lots of that in bits. And I

50:47

think most people have kids for the wrong reasons.

50:49

So you'd just be adding. I'd just be adding

50:51

to the whole pool of that. Yeah. Ah,

50:53

maybe I will do it then. But for now, it's all about

50:55

how I'm definitely not gonna do it. A lot of

50:57

the stuff I talk about in the show is sort of

51:00

people's, I find these

51:02

days when you get to your 30s, there's

51:04

a lot of talk around like, how

51:06

do you cope, right? And like sort of mental healthy

51:08

stuff. But it's done, obviously

51:10

mental health very important. The way people talk about

51:13

it is done in a bit of a plasticy

51:15

way. Yeah. And so

51:17

some of the methods I think are done in a weird way.

51:19

So you know, like people telling you, you know that

51:21

you gotta go to the gym for your mental health and stuff like

51:24

that. Yeah. I'm like, well no, that's just

51:26

because being attractive makes

51:28

you feel better. Having pecs

51:30

makes you feel really good. People always say, oh Jim, great

51:32

place to go for the mental health. And I think, sorry,

51:35

what? The place where everyone's sexy and

51:37

I'm bad at everything. That's gonna make me feel good,

51:39

is it? Yeah. Yeah, but you

51:41

gotta find it. Have you talked to other people? Yeah,

51:44

I can see, I know what you mean. I mean, I'm obviously

51:46

one of those guys with the pecs and the, so

51:48

I like who are looking down on the guys like you,

51:50

because I'm the- Yeah, I'm talking to the wrong guy here. Yeah,

51:53

I've got, you're gonna guess it. But did you

51:55

do it for mental health reasons, Jason? No, I did it because

51:57

I just wanted sex. You just wanted to be a sex.

52:00

as possible. You know that

52:03

that's how you get the most laughs from an audience, you'd be

52:05

as sexy as possible. When

52:07

people come to my show they come in to just

52:10

look at me. Exactly.

52:15

They just gorp at you don't they? That's

52:18

a good example. The other one that I

52:22

have with my wife at the moment, she's a runner and

52:25

she says, oh no there's a moment when you're running

52:28

where it's almost

52:30

euphoric. I'm like, that

52:33

is not real. Yeah, the end. Yeah,

52:36

exactly. As you arrive back at your door. The knots start

52:38

to... I have this bit. There's a big section in the show

52:40

about the Wim Hof method. Oh

52:42

I do a bit of that to be fair. Yeah, look

52:45

I do appreciate the cold water therapy

52:47

in general. It's more when people do it as just

52:49

an ice cold shower in the morning. I don't

52:51

really mind a cold plunge that much

52:54

because there is something to it. When people are

52:56

just like, billionaires are doing this so I'm going

52:58

to do it. Cold plunge in the morning.

53:00

You know you've got to rise and grind all this stuff. And then check

53:02

your bank balance straight away. Yeah,

53:04

exactly. What's the point?

53:07

I do find it a bit weird. All my mates who say

53:09

a cold shower in the morning to be more productive, I'm like what?

53:11

To then go and work for someone else. What are you

53:13

doing? You've got to be an entrepreneur

53:15

at least if you're going to do that. The reason Jeff Bezos

53:17

does it is because he's got his own company. Your

53:20

ages don't change to them when you're coming. Exactly. What's

53:22

the point? I had a cold one. I went

53:25

to see that reflected in my P.A. P.Y.E.

53:27

bucket. Exactly. So

53:29

the show is called Spilt

53:32

Milk. Spilt Milk? Good. Good

53:34

title. That doesn't mean anything. I love that.

53:36

Yeah, yeah classic. Well I sort of feel like

53:38

crying over Spilt Milk is basically what all stand up comedy

53:41

is to any extent. You're just whinging

53:43

about stuff that doesn't really matter. That's fair. That's

53:45

fair. If you get a chance do have

53:47

a look at Reece. Reece James'

53:50

Instagram and that because he's all over

53:52

it. Loads of great clips from Mock

53:54

the Week and Live at the Apollo. And these

53:57

are extra dates on the tour. for

54:00

this big tour that you've done. And there's only, of course

54:02

there's only about 10 left or something,

54:04

so not that many. Yeah, nearly done now. Last

54:07

chance. So this starts, we

54:10

start next week here on

54:12

the list I've got. Swindon, Saturday,

54:15

and then we're Gloucester, Worcester, Newbury,

54:17

Andover, Lancaster, Manchester, Southampton,

54:19

Northampton, and Brighton. And you can get tickets at

54:22

reesjames.com and Rees

54:24

is spelt R-H-Y-S,

54:26

because I know it's one of those names that people

54:29

slightly struggle with. So, Rees,

54:31

I hope it goes very well for you. I'm sure it'll

54:34

be an absolute cracker due to phenomenal demand.

54:37

Yes, thank you very much. I'm sure it'll be lovely. You're

54:39

interested in demand, not me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll

54:42

be there, of course. And you'll be distracting

54:44

the crowd because they'll be looking at your abs and your biceps.

54:46

Well, there will be that, yeah. If we seat you at the back, then

54:49

maybe we'll get away with it. And I'm just gonna be a little, I'm just gonna

54:52

be 1B as well. Yeah, yeah.

54:55

Throw that here at some point. Yeah,

54:57

if you wouldn't mind. I hope

54:59

it goes really well, pal, and all the best.

55:02

Thank you very much. See you soon. Take care.

55:07

Absolute Radio. Message.

55:10

Where real music matters.

55:11

Thanks for joining us this morning here on Absolute

55:13

Radio. I didn't really

55:16

mention that much that my tour went

55:18

on sale this week. So, if you wanna

55:20

come and see us at the end of 2024, and

55:23

weirdly, 25. It

55:25

feels like, well, it is literally two

55:27

years in the future, some of these gigs. I got a thing from

55:29

the co-op saying you were doing a gig with Barry Manilow

55:31

or something. What was that about? Yeah. She

55:34

said, see Jason Manford and Barry Manilow

55:36

what co-op live. I think we

55:38

are just both performing

55:40

at that venue. Ah, that's a shame. And it's a

55:42

new venue. That's not what I expected. No, because it does

55:44

look like we're gigging together. Yeah. And

55:47

it's sponsored by- I thought you were opening for him. You know what

55:49

I mean? Is there a less rock and roll sounding new venue? What's

55:52

it called, the co-op live? What

55:55

is it? What it was, Manchester Arena?

55:57

Is it that? No, it's a new venue that the building-

56:00

Yes he had so a new arena.

56:02

So that's why that's why the gigs not till 25 because

56:05

I really don't play it Yeah,

56:07

yeah in the middle of building it and I wanted to be one of

56:09

the first comics to to play it So

56:12

so that's why the gig is taking its sweet

56:14

time to get there and but it'll be worth

56:16

it We'll have a good old time when we get there and and then

56:18

obviously if you want to see Manalo as well He'd be

56:21

the the co-op cabana Yeah,

56:25

go up go up cabana Meal

56:28

deals and blue cards. Yeah, it just goes right

56:30

for Right,

56:34

we'll see you next

56:34

week folks