0:00

This episode of the Jordan Harbinger show is brought

0:02

to you Nissan. Why? Wait, for tomorrow today,

0:04

is May 4th real.

0:09

Welcome to feedback Friday. I'm your

0:11

host, Jordan Harbinger. As always.

0:13

I'm here feedback Friday producer. Asia,

0:36

Asia It

1:48

gave what's the first thing out of the mail bad.

1:50

Jordan, a gave my fiance and I lead

1:52

a busy and slightly chaotic life, we're

1:55

raising two daughters, thirteen year old is

1:57

going through puberty and two year old with

1:59

medical issues.

2:00

While. Also working full time jobs last

2:02

year, we invited a friend of ours to rent one of

2:04

our rooms for year, she was graveyard

2:06

shift nurse and was saving up. To purchase

2:08

her first hope, it seem like great plan,

2:11

she would pay less for rent and pay off some extra

2:13

dead before buying and my fiance, and I

2:15

would be. Enable to boost our savings after taking

2:17

a hit, we've known her for couple years

2:19

so the Celtic agree fit, then

2:22

things started to get weird for

2:24

one thing: my fiance. And I don't smoke, but

2:26

we're for twenty friendly and her friend is always been

2:29

open about her smoking weed, thought she

2:31

only smoke before going to bed but a few. Months

2:33

in, I found out the to is smoking right after waking

2:35

up right before leaving for work at

2:37

work and even before coming home, she

2:39

was also combining that with A. Prescription benzos

2:42

for those who don't know Ben, though, is benzodiazepine,

2:45

so these are like anti anxiety drugs,

2:47

downers and if he smoking weed

2:49

and taking that and then going to work.

2:51

Is it is a nurse, is that right probably

2:53

not great mix for somebody who's taken care

2:55

of people in hospital, not woman you want

2:58

you to you and? The graveyard.

2:59

It's. As he continues, then, about five

3:01

months ago, she had a full psychotic break

3:04

with delusions, she was yelling about

3:06

being God, saying she could read my fiance's

3:08

is thoughts that he. Wanted to rape her soul,

3:11

the had to pack our kids up and take them to relative's

3:13

was right alber that evening, she kept

3:16

saying she didn't feel safe with us. And that she could

3:18

feel are malicious intent I

3:20

talked her into going to the are for an evaluation,

3:22

but it was amazing as he switched to

3:24

nurse mode and was released. Almost immediately,

3:27

a few hours later, I found her lying in the bathtub

3:29

at home, convinced she had no blood on her head

3:31

and was dying, call nine one and.

3:34

She spent forty five days in a psychiatric

3:36

hospital in the two and half months since

3:38

she's been re hospitalized three times

3:40

and hasn't been out for more than week. During

3:42

her most recent hospitalization, she accused

3:45

three axes her dad and

3:47

my fiance of raping her. The

3:49

family of cut ties with her because all of this and

3:51

my fiance and I told her we can't take her back,

3:53

my oldest won't even sleep alone and my

3:55

family of four weeks together in our room when

3:57

she's around, I've now told her that she. And

4:00

come back, but she continues to call me think

4:02

she doesn't understand why, and that she thought was

4:04

supposed to be your friend, don't know what to do anymore.

4:07

Then. I have a responsibility to help my friend and

4:09

how can I do that while maintaining my

4:11

and my family's safety signed,

4:14

"bury the hatchet or play nurse ratched

4:17

ah boy gave" This is this

4:19

is horrible another week another

4:21

psychotic tenants tell, me about

4:23

it, you know we should do with start a Facebook group

4:25

for these people and let them all. That with one another,

4:27

you know, like squirrel in the mailbox guy,

4:30

golf club guy, the schizophrenia

4:32

guy living in the top floor that couple's house, remember that

4:34

guy, oh yeah? The eller yep the yellow, the

4:36

roommate are fastened to spearhead of broom handle,

4:38

the oh yes, and maybe they could all like split

4:41

house together, they be perfect. Roommates or,

4:43

yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure you just

4:45

described a new season of American Horror Story,

4:47

but yet good idea has legs with

4:49

certainly be an interesting place to. To

4:52

I live next door to honestly gave

4:54

these stories, they do really freaked me out

4:56

all jokes aside this woman, her fiance,

4:58

let this friend into their house thinking

5:01

she's one. Person and then it just turns

5:03

out she's it totally different person

5:06

and suddenly they're stuck with our this is nightmarish,

5:08

truly reading, try to be a good person, I yeah.

5:10

You can crash at us for a while like, oh, my God,

5:13

you're total basket case and possibly

5:15

dangerous to answer your question,

5:17

do you have responsibility to help this?

5:19

[Woman] Yes, but only

5:22

up to point and I think

5:24

you hit that point a long time ago you

5:26

took her to the are when she had psychotic

5:28

break you. Called nine one when she

5:30

was at risk of hurting yourself, you

5:32

helped her get into hospital, which is where she needs

5:35

to be beyond that, I'm not sure

5:37

what. else you can do in fact by

5:39

allowing her to stay with you delaying

5:41

treatment tolerating her hallucinations

5:43

and delusions. it's almost like you're

5:45

enabling her regular you might actually be doing

5:48

her as this service because

5:50

she's just kicking the can down the road and getting

5:52

hell been in situations like this sadly

5:55

things off and half to get lot worse

5:57

before they get better so When?

6:00

This woman calls you saying she doesn't

6:02

understand why you won't allow her back

6:04

when she tries to pull the friend card you

6:07

are well within your rights to

6:09

draw hard. Line and

6:11

I know that get it like this goes

6:13

against all your empathy, it goes against

6:16

your instincts to help it's so painful

6:18

to watch, especially because you. Know your friends,

6:20

you care about this person right and your girl sort

6:22

of a fellow human.

8:00

As. Well, and just use every option

8:02

at your disposal if you do that, then

8:04

you definitely have done your party or and

8:06

after that it's really up to her and

8:08

also the. System to step up and

8:10

hopefully help her get better, but the

8:13

wrinkle here is that this woman could

8:15

be considered your tenants and you

8:17

might affectively be her landlord

8:19

and that. Can make this whole thing a lot more complicated,

8:22

we wanted to know more about how that works, so

8:24

we consulted with the one and only Corbyn Pain Defense

8:26

Attorney in front. Of the show and, right

8:28

away corbyn confirmed that you telling this

8:31

woman to leave that might centrally

8:33

be an eviction and he pointed out that lot

8:35

of states especially right now they have laws

8:38

in place preventing landlords from addicting tenants

8:40

without clear grounds without giving them

8:42

enough time to find new place stuff like that

8:44

and these laws usually require several notices

8:47

to the tenants opportunities for the tenant

8:49

to respond change the behavior and

8:51

question specified amount of time

8:53

for the tended to find new housing that kind of thing

8:55

so corbyn view is that it would be worth retaining

8:57

an attorney specializing in landlord

9:00

tenant law in your area or

9:02

at least consulting with one you know getting on the phone for

9:04

ten or fifteen minutes running your story by them

9:06

and seeing what they think in his experience

9:08

giving proper notice shouldn't be too expensive

9:11

because apparently it's not all that complicated but

9:13

you do need somebody to guide you and this

9:15

is especially important because you're dealing

9:17

with somebody who from the sound of it is

9:20

pretty talented working

9:22

the system rates it was able to work the doctors

9:24

you can go into nurse mode really easily spread

9:26

know some of the laws seem might not

9:28

leave without putting up fight also

9:30

is corbyn pointed out this is somebody who is whip

9:32

smart when she's lucid and also

9:34

seems to pinball back and forth between lucidity

9:37

and psychosis all of which

9:39

calls for and increase level of care

9:41

on the legal side of things they are man gave

9:43

am already just wincing at the potential

9:45

legal headache ad for them if this woman

9:48

puts up fight about leaving i'm

9:50

india maybe she was just that knowing them seven

9:52

hundred bucks month and there was no paperwork

9:54

and she has no tenant rights that would make

9:57

them less he sub lessee

9:59

which and In advance. It. Read

10:01

your lease agreement and see, but depending

10:03

on what state they live in this agreement

10:05

could imply landlord tenant relationship,

10:08

all the more reason to consult with an attorney here.

10:10

Also, you might have grounds for restraining

10:13

order slash order of protection

10:15

from this woman, basically, it's court order

10:17

that says she can't go within certain distance

10:19

of you. Your family, the house, because

10:22

her behavior puts you guys in legitimate

10:24

fear again, having lawyer

10:26

here would be very helpful, but Corbyn

10:29

did say that most courts have simplified

10:31

the. Process for requesting restraining order to

10:33

make it easy for people who don't have lawyers

10:35

to stay safe I'm so sorry

10:38

that you guys are dealing with this is

10:40

it's. Just awful, you try to do something

10:42

nice for someone, try to build your savings

10:45

bathtub, and then it just blows up and your

10:47

face I'm sure it's terrifying for

10:49

you and. For her literally

10:51

everyone is suffering in the situation, bottom

10:54

line, connect the dots of the system,

10:56

then draw hard boundary

10:58

to protect yourself and your family and while you.

11:00

Do all that, please take care of yourself physically,

11:03

mentally emotionally, as

11:06

I know a situation like this can take real

11:08

tall, so where was he knew the best

11:10

and worst? Sending you and your family hug

11:13

from California. You know, you definitely

11:15

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back to feedback, Friday. All

13:37

right. What's next? Dear Jordan, Gabe?

13:39

I've been working at private Christian

13:41

School for the last year-and-a-half. I love

13:43

to teach and it's been impactful building

13:45

relationships with students and seeing them grow.

13:47

But there's

13:49

some challenges to this place for one thing

13:52

while I'm paid for 40 hours week. I put

13:54

in somewhere between 60 to 70 hours, grading

13:56

and planning. Then there was an incident where 80%

13:59

of my class. They did with wrong answers

14:01

on an exam was told to keep the grades

14:03

as is, and it was not documented

14:06

kids regular, the cheat on homework, and

14:08

most of them have no idea what to do on tests

14:10

and quizzes. More. Recently, the school

14:12

was embroiled in controversy, were a tick tock

14:15

filmed in school bathroom went viral, while

14:17

nothing explicit with involved he did violate

14:19

school guidelines, blanket suspension

14:21

was. Given out and the situation was even given

14:23

media coverage, the school then decided to

14:25

roll back the punishment, allowing swings back

14:28

at school and dealing out punishments individually.

14:31

Since. Then they've been cracking down on small things

14:33

while letting bigger issues go there have also

14:35

been times where punishments for certain students

14:37

had been decreased or dismissed if

14:40

they or someone. They know is teacher's kid

14:42

goes to church or gives substantially

14:44

to the school or church, I don't think

14:46

many other people involved of realize how bad

14:48

it is because this. Is the way it's always

14:51

been?

14:51

No. I'm conflicted should I stay with

14:54

my job and try to change the system from within

14:56

or simply leave before it all, eventually

14:58

implodes signed, resigned

15:01

myself to these crimes to say. Be on minds

15:03

or align myself with a more high minded

15:05

grind while slow

15:08

clap for that sign off their game nice.

15:10

one aren't well this school

15:13

sounds like total dumpster fire it sounds

15:15

like school from gossip girl or something

15:17

if people remember that show gave the place

15:19

you sound like super toxic i

15:22

mean all schools have some degree of dysfunction

15:24

no matter what but when you as parents

15:26

making big donations and relationships

15:29

driving a lot of the decision making

15:31

there's always going to be some degree of

15:33

corruption faked and that's what this is

15:35

corruption but in this case it sounds

15:37

like there's also real culture issue

15:39

at this school that's an objective

15:42

lee tough problem to deal with as teacher

15:44

so i really do feel for you here

15:46

He'll walk about working sixty

15:49

seventy hours a week, but only being paid for forty,

15:51

yes, that's an issue, but it

15:53

might be something you just have to accept

15:55

for now or find way to improve

15:58

on your own I'm guessing most t. Work.

16:00

Longer hours than the traditional forty hour work

16:02

week, as many professionals do, especially

16:05

the good teachers who actually care like

16:07

you that said, sixty to seventy

16:09

hours is way more than" A standard

16:12

work week and if you feel it's too much,

16:14

then you have a couple of options.

16:16

Option one is you find ways

16:18

to be more efficient, You've only been on the for

16:20

a year-and-a-half. You're still learning overtime.

16:23

I bet you'll get more confident. Your lesson

16:25

plans will carry over year to year. you'll

16:27

how to grade papers faster. Some of

16:29

this is just the first slash, s

16:32

you're growing pains. And I've known several

16:34

teachers in my life, including my own mom.

16:36

And they all say grating was just one of more

16:38

tedious part of the job. Aside from, of

16:40

course, the people drama that you're dealing with, but

16:43

maybe there are little systems in hacks.

16:45

You can adopt to get through it faster. I

16:48

would ask some of your how they

16:50

manage it. If they have any tips, get

16:52

some best practices. This our

16:54

thing might be something you have

16:56

more control over than you think option

16:59

2 is after the school

17:01

year, you ask for a raise, you

17:03

tell them you spend sixty to seventy hours week

17:05

doing job been said and forty, you're happy.

17:08

To do it, but you need to be compensated

17:10

appropriately if you do that,

17:12

though I recommend going in with

17:14

a slam dunk case, you might want to check

17:16

out an article. I recently wrote about how to

17:18

get promoted that will give you some great

17:20

ideas about how to plan for that conversation starting

17:23

now, willing to that, and shown us we also.

17:25

Did a deep dive on this very subject that

17:27

episode six, six coincidentally

17:30

went on her Yankee over there you're Christian

17:32

school, but I know your main question is. Whether you

17:34

should stick around so let's dig into that,

17:37

basically, you have to weigh the upsides

17:39

to pushing for change against

17:41

the downsides of staying in this

17:43

obviously toxic environment. A

17:45

lot of it comes down to what you want

17:48

to get out of this place. What goals

17:50

you have for your career? Do you

17:52

want to rise carve out a bigger role

17:54

for yourself? Do you want to run school

17:56

of your own one day? And would this be

17:58

way to prove that you can do? That if

18:00

you were able to clean this place up could

18:03

have actually be an amazing place, if

18:05

so, it might be worth sticking around

18:07

trying to change the system from within. Then.

18:10

You really have to be willing to put up

18:12

with whole bunch of really dysfunctional

18:14

behavior in the meantime because the truth

18:16

is you won't be able to change

18:19

this place. Overnight or even in

18:21

year or two transformation

18:23

this big, it takes years

18:25

and it's result of ton of work at

18:27

so many levels from admissions

18:30

to rules to. hiring to core values

18:32

this isn't just like you know I'm in book, couple

18:34

meetings with Principal Hoover and smooth out this old

18:36

seeding, saying this is you slowly

18:39

acquiring. More and more capital at this

18:41

place, building relationships with

18:43

other teachers who share your vision finding

18:46

champions at the highest levels to take

18:48

hard stance against cheating and filming

18:50

creepy. Take dog videos and letting some

18:53

students off easy because their dad paid for new

18:55

chapel or whatever, and I can almost

18:57

guarantee that you're going to meet

18:59

with pushback from. People along the way because

19:02

change never happens without

19:04

ruffling a few feathers what you're

19:06

describing here, it is corruption

19:08

and corruption is very complex

19:11

and fact if you wanna learn more. About corruption, why

19:13

it develops how to replace it with systems

19:16

that are more fair, I highly recommend checking

19:18

out my interview with Brian Class that

19:20

was episode six, five, zero willing.

19:22

To that in the show knows as well, and

19:24

anyway, don't say all of this to

19:26

dissuade you only to make

19:29

sure you're going into this with eyes wide open.

19:31

That. Sound advice Jordan, but the reality is

19:33

even if he did everything right, this

19:35

school might always be a little

19:38

corrupt in sicily because like you said

19:40

it's private school there's money. In relationships

19:42

driving the place, I honestly don't

19:44

know if one teacher, especially

19:46

a new teacher, can fix that on

19:49

their own because it's not even clear that the higher

19:51

ups wanna. Fix this problem because I'm

19:53

guessing they know which side their bread is buttered on,

19:55

and it sounds to me like they're part of the problem

19:57

right and anyway any institution.

21:49

Hey guys, I'm a college student in the UK

21:52

and about two months ago I went on a date with

21:54

friendly girl on dating app, I was

21:56

quite nervous when first met her and didn't

21:58

think she was a fan of my personal. Then, so

22:00

I didn't expect it to lead anywhere serious,

22:03

but the first time we met, she told me that see

22:05

quote has never had a real conversation

22:07

like this before with date which surprised

22:09

me. We've. Been seeing each other for about two months

22:11

now and we me quite often I

22:13

enjoy my sexual relationship with her and

22:16

I'd also say we're good friends, then

22:18

ran three weeks. Ago she asked me if wanted to be

22:20

exclusive, agreed, but

22:22

and starting to regret that decision. The

22:24

think that explore the world have casual relationships

22:26

quite thoroughly and haven't. They.

22:29

Haven't had a relationship before and I've only

22:31

had very small number of casual

22:33

interactions I don't mean to sound arrogant,

22:35

but believe I'm a quite good looking young

22:37

man. And I feel like would like to explore

22:40

more sexually now whilst still have my

22:42

hair and my confidence when was

22:44

in grade school, missed out on dating. And sex,

22:46

so feel like have a bit of catching up to do now,

22:49

I don't feel pressured to catch up, honestly

22:51

just want to explore more, but I. Also don't want to

22:53

let her know that want to go through a casual says

22:55

because that's private, so how

22:57

do I communicate to start without upsetting

23:00

her?

23:00

Kind. coping with mind open,

23:03

all right, you're handsome, eso be

23:05

he can't be tied down because you want to get some

23:07

strange before you need a monthly subscription

23:09

or rogaine I see. You, for the fear

23:11

that do understand the binder and as it's an

23:13

interesting question, so look, if

23:15

you feel that this is your time to explore

23:18

different relationships that. Is a perfectly

23:20

fair choice and it's probably the right

23:22

one if you're just going to be anxious and thinking

23:24

about dating other people the whole time it's not

23:27

fair to you. It's not fair to this girl she's

23:29

explored the casual dating thing already,

23:32

you have some catching up to do, that's legitimate

23:34

thing to want at your age and

23:37

playing the. Field: It's not just about

23:39

getting wild and having fun, I understand that

23:41

salsa way to learn about yourself, understand

23:43

what kind of partner you really want, get

23:46

to know different people. That all important

23:48

as well, but the tricky thing is

23:50

gonna be explaining this to her in a way

23:52

that makes sense because you

23:55

already agreed to be exclusive

23:57

and now you. Have to backpedal and I'm not.

24:00

You can do that without giving her some

24:02

kind of explanation for you have

24:04

couple options here. You. Can keep in general

24:06

and say something like with him I've been doing

24:09

lot of reflection lately and I'm just not

24:11

ready for serious relationship at this point

24:13

in my. Life I'd still like to spend time with

24:15

you, but I can't be the committed boyfriend thought

24:17

could or something along those lines. You.

24:19

Have to be prepared for her to press you for details

24:22

is that just kind of begs the question, what the, what, why

24:24

can't you be the committed boyfriend that you said? You could

24:26

your other option here is to be more forthright,

24:29

know that scary, and yes it might

24:31

hurt her feelings a little bit.

24:33

What? He can also save her from being even more hurt,

24:36

there's a kind way to say it though, and it's probably

24:38

something like luck I

24:40

really like you, like what we. Have

24:42

value our connection, our friendship, but

24:45

I'm twenty years old haven't had

24:47

all the experiences you've had and

24:49

something is telling me that it's important

24:51

for me to date? Around a little bit before

24:54

I settle into an exclusive relationship,

24:57

know that might sound kind of selfish or

24:59

superficial, but that's just where am

25:01

right now it's not a. Reflection of view

25:04

is just a reflection of where I am right

25:06

now, I'm very sorry that said yes

25:08

to being a couple before I understood

25:10

that wasn't fair to. You and apologize

25:13

and hope you understand, and you know, game

25:15

now that said it out loud, actually

25:17

think that's the best way to go because ironically

25:19

the. Truth is ultimately kinder than

25:22

the generic version of whatever story

25:24

he could tell her when she's not going to buy anyway

25:26

she's gonna be hurt by that in any case I'm.

25:29

With you one hundred percent if he's kind to her,

25:31

even while he's being pretty honest, that will probably

25:33

go over better than trying to treat her with kid gloves

25:36

and keeping. Things vague because I'm at least you won't be

25:38

confused, which is where think a lot of

25:40

the resentment my come from and you know

25:42

him learning how to deliver a. Tough messes

25:44

like this, that's part of grown up to

25:46

re when you're twenty breaking up with somebody

25:48

is terrifying, I remember that

25:50

feeling when you're a little older and

25:52

you been. On both sides of the conversation few times,

25:55

it is lot easier and in weird way

25:57

it's actually kind of refreshing for both of

25:59

you.

26:00

You. Have to work up to this conversation, to takes a little

26:02

practice, it sounds like this is your

26:04

chance to do that, but Jordan, I do wonder

26:06

what he's gonna find out. There, like, maybe he has

26:08

a blast and realizes that during the

26:10

know band's dance with after girls in his dorm, is exactly

26:13

what he needed right now, but he might.

26:15

Also do that for five months and then realize

26:17

you know how rare it is to find girl you're into

26:20

and you want to be great friends with and you. "Have

26:22

this deeper connected with I mean, it's not

26:24

like that comes along every day either, yeah, that

26:26

might be what he realizes this girl does

26:29

sound like a pretty good said" But that doesn't mean

26:31

he shouldn't get out there little bit he

26:33

probably just needs to get some more data on the absence

26:35

if you don't I'm science then,

26:37

if. They get back together and six months or year

26:40

he'll feel more secure because then he will already

26:42

know what's out there, so I say, drink

26:45

from the proverbial firehouse here, man.

26:47

Live it up, listen to your instinct, but

26:49

also do right by your girlfriend by

26:51

communicating with her fairly thoughtfully,

26:54

it'll be hard but it doesn't have to

26:56

be devastating and also. "Try

26:58

to have a little faith in her ability to

27:01

respect your needs, to also

27:03

there are couple articles I wrote that want you to check

27:05

out one of them. Is about how to say no

27:07

after you've already said yes,

27:09

that's really gonna help you right now for obvious

27:12

reasons, and the other one is about

27:14

how to deliver bad news. Without

27:16

being the bad guy willing

27:18

to both of those articles in the show

27:20

notes for Yeah Good Luck Man and of

27:22

Yeah Make Sure Your Rapid, you

27:24

know who always take you back even

27:27

after you get it in all over town the

27:29

amazing sponsors that support the show will

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be right back

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When you twenty three are you in the not yet available

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for twenty three are ya.

28:57

Now that if he backs already are.

29:00

at what's next a sort of game about

29:03

six weeks ago i went to a routine pre

29:05

natal appointment and found out the

29:07

my baby to nab heartbeat and itself

29:09

growing few weeks before i chose

29:11

to get a dnc instead of miss carrying

29:13

naturally just jump in here for anybody

29:15

who doesn't know what dnc is

29:17

it's basically procedure to remove tissue

29:20

from the uterus after miscarriage

29:22

or abortion at such wonder clear

29:25

that up for anyone not familiar with the term since

29:27

then i've been in the or three times due

29:29

to were complications from the procedure the

29:31

complications are still happening and

29:34

my doctor doesn't know why also something

29:36

bad has happened every week since

29:38

then my kids and husband were extremely

29:41

sick i developed bronchitis my

29:43

dog nearly died and how to have surgery

29:45

and my five year old son had a seizure for the first

29:47

time i'm now having frequent anxiety

29:49

attacks and once had full blown panic

29:52

attack every time something happens

29:54

i think their life is gonna turn around but

29:56

then something else happens feel like can't

29:58

let my guard down and starting

30:00

To affect my work, I own a couple businesses

30:02

and I been slow to get back to clients.

30:05

I'm afraid I'm going start losing them and ruined

30:07

my reputation. The also been told

30:09

that need to grieve my baby, but

30:11

don't know how. come from a family

30:13

that bury things deep down and just

30:15

moves on. So how do

30:18

I grieve what does that even mean? The,

30:20

how do get out of my constant state of fight

30:22

or flight?

30:23

Find. The muddled mortar, the how

30:25

man I'm so sorry that you had

30:28

a miscarriage, I understand how

30:30

heartbreaking that can be but

30:32

then to have complications afterward

30:34

not getting any real answers. From your doctor

30:37

and then the also be dealing with all of these other

30:39

health challenges in your family, almost

30:41

losing a dog developing anxiety feeling

30:43

like it's affecting your business you've. Just

30:46

been through lot here, my friend, there's

30:48

no simple answer to any of

30:50

this what you are going through is very

30:52

difficult and extremely scary,

30:54

I'm sure and I'm just. Very sorry that all

30:57

of this is happening at once, life man, it's

30:59

of we wanted to talk to an expert

31:01

about your situation so we reached out to

31:03

Doctor Aaron Margolis. Clinical psychologist

31:06

and friend of the show, and the first

31:08

thing that Doctor Margolis said was

31:10

that there's actually no right or wrong

31:12

way to grieve the morning process

31:15

it's unique to. Every person I'm

31:17

getting the sense that you want sort of

31:20

manual for feeling your feelings like

31:22

follow these ten steps to having an emotion

31:24

and then you'll be done with. Make sense if

31:26

you come from family that berries everything deep down

31:29

and just moves on like he said, but unfortunately

31:31

that is not how emotions work this

31:33

is process. And it is very

31:36

personal, it depends on your upbringing

31:38

what you've been through in your life, what

31:41

else is going on now, I know

31:43

that's probably a bummer to hear, but.

31:45

The key you are looking for it's

31:47

just not paint by numbers thing, so

31:49

doctor Margolis his question was, are

31:52

you able to feel your feelings

31:54

in the first place can? You recognize

31:57

them when they come off, send you acknowledge

31:59

and observe.

32:00

Then. Even a little bit or do you find yourself

32:02

going on, know I'm feeling wave of something

32:04

unpleasant, better put that away or distract

32:06

myself with work before it gets to? Be too much

32:09

if you can see all those things, sadness,

32:12

anger, see or whatever

32:14

it is kinda best thing you can do

32:16

is get outta your own way and let

32:18

him. Run their course if you can't feel

32:20

those feelings than dad is your main

32:23

obstacle to grieving right there and your

32:25

best bet is to get more in touch with

32:27

them and. Doctor Margolis shared few

32:29

good practices to do, just that one

32:31

of them is just noticing your body

32:34

and difficult moment like when you feel

32:36

wave of sadness here. Anger creep up

32:38

to you, clench your jaw to your shoulders,

32:41

tens, does your stomach her that's

32:43

an important first step just feeling

32:45

the sensation in your body or

32:47

maybe you noticed? That there are certain behaviors

32:50

you engage in when an emotion treats up, for

32:52

example, lot of people when they even get

32:54

hint of an unpleasant feeling they immediately

32:56

distract. themselves like I said work,

32:59

maybe it's cleaning some folks at

33:01

alcohol, television, social media

33:03

could be anything, so if you noticed that

33:05

years don't know filling every minute of your.

33:07

Calendar every single day, see if that might

33:09

be a way to avoid being with yourself, also

33:12

journaling is another great practice I know

33:14

it's kind of cheesy, but it really does. Help

33:17

bring things to light and it might

33:19

also give you a measure of the insight and

33:21

control, meditation and mindfulness

33:23

those agree to, but ultimately

33:25

these are all getting at the. Same thing which

33:28

is seal the seals, yeah,

33:30

feel the feels the only way out is through

33:32

the more you put this off, I do think the harder

33:34

it's going to be. To process all of his very

33:37

intense life events but as.

33:39

doctor margot was pointed out not giving

33:41

your feelings more airtime that could

33:43

also be part of the anxiety attacks by you're experiencing

33:46

to it's possible that the anxiety

33:48

is just one more symptom

33:50

if it's the right word of this not feeling

33:52

feelings thing as doctor margolis

33:54

explained as if you don't allow yourself

33:56

to move through these emotions or maybe

33:59

another way of thinking about

34:00

Is. letting them move to you, they

34:02

will find a way on their own, and

34:04

yes, there's lot going on in your life right now

34:06

you have been to some objectively traumatic.

34:08

"Stuff and deck and obviously contribute

34:10

to anxiety, but if you suppress

34:13

the feelings around these losses or

34:15

these injuries, they could be finding

34:17

expression three day's anxiety attacks we

34:19

talk about" As lot on feedback Friday have feelings

34:21

have to go somewhere, it's like

34:24

metaphor of the air being pushed around the balloon

34:26

we talked about that before that could be.

34:28

What's happening here there are also ton

34:30

of resources out there that would be so great for you right

34:32

now, one of them is support groups for

34:34

pregnancy loss so many. People go through

34:36

this support groups can be an instrumental

34:38

way of dealing with loss like this: grief

34:41

hotline, have you ever feel like you need to talk books

34:43

about? Morning I think those who make you feel much less

34:45

alone right now we're in a link to all of those

34:47

for you in the so notes, including list of books.

34:50

About miscarriage specifically, this

34:52

is something that doesn't get talked about as much as it

34:54

should given how frequently it happens and

34:57

these books they really do sound wonderful,

34:59

I think I'll. Be super helpful for you right now,

35:01

you know, when we talked to Doctor Margolis See

35:03

said something really insightful, which is

35:06

she often thinks of grief as having three

35:08

parts there's. grief for the past

35:10

what you've lost, what used to have

35:12

like this pregnancy, certain aspects

35:15

of your health, there's grief for the presents,

35:17

which is what you're feeling right now have. It's impacting

35:19

your life today and then there's Greece weirdly

35:22

enough for the future city

35:24

ideas and plans you had for

35:26

life that are just not turning out the way that

35:28

you. Thought they would, and so, giving these feelings

35:30

more airtime, that's also about acknowledging

35:33

all of these different forms of grief to

35:35

it's possible that the grief won't

35:38

go away completely. And that's okay,

35:40

that's normal if you have a day with the sadness

35:43

or the anger are especially intense that

35:45

doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it

35:47

doesn't mean you're back to. Square one,

35:50

it just means that this is particularly painful

35:52

moment, and this moment will pass

35:54

if you let the grief moved through you

35:57

overtime, the idea is to find A. New,

35:59

really. Yep. With that Greece, new lens

36:01

on it and hopefully finding that the grief

36:04

makes you more grateful presence

36:07

allies, also I just have

36:09

to say, try and give yourself a little.

36:11

Grace, hear this miscarriage just

36:13

happened six weeks ago, this is still

36:15

very new also, Doctor Margolis

36:17

reminded us that pregnancy can do number

36:19

on your hormones, not sure if you. Notice right

36:22

which might make everything you're going through right

36:24

now even more intense, so

36:26

give yourself bit of break here to and

36:28

some patients that's part of the process.

36:31

To fill bottom line, seal

36:33

the ceilings, that's your job right now,

36:36

get the support you need, those resources

36:38

we shared or really good starting point, and

36:40

I highly recommend going. To therapy

36:42

if you're not already there, any

36:44

good therapist will help you determine what your patterns

36:47

are around emotions, slow that

36:49

process down so you can realize

36:51

when you're feeling of. Feeling and then dig

36:53

into them with you so that you can work through

36:56

these challenges together and also

36:58

the help you build a tool kit for yourself to handle

37:00

challenges like. These in the future, because as

37:03

we all know, life will always

37:05

throw us another curveball that is just

37:07

how it works, so hang in there

37:09

you've got this sending you A. Really big hug

37:12

and all of our confidence for making

37:14

it through to the other side. Right next

37:16

to it.

37:16

I. Joined and a game, I started a new job

37:18

this year, helping run large project for

37:21

the first six months, it was hard, but

37:23

things went well, my manager was collaborative.

37:25

And I got great feedback and visibility,

37:28

unfortunately, he resigned unexpectedly

37:30

and was replaced with someone who had little previous

37:32

experience this new manager's lack

37:34

of experience makes my job ten times. Harder

37:37

as try to cover both his job and mine

37:39

while I'm working nights in weekends to keep things

37:41

from falling apart, he does all the reporting

37:44

to leadership about how. Well, things are going

37:46

and what we are doing. He

37:48

never gives credit anyone else he's actually

37:50

taken credit for other people's ideas

37:52

and he swept the negative feedback about his work

37:55

under the rug because his bosses are not

37:57

deeply involved in the project and he's

37:59

been at the company. A. Long time he's managed

38:01

to maintain a great reputation I've tried

38:03

giving my manager feedback directly, but

38:06

he's not been receptive, I've also tried

38:08

networking to get more influence on the company.

38:10

But it's mostly an old boy's club of

38:12

people who have been there for decades, I'm

38:14

new, and I'm the only female person of

38:16

color or my level, and my perspective

38:18

tends. To challenge their traditional way of doing

38:20

things, I now have a meeting with his manager's

38:23

managers soon because the project

38:25

has started going sideways, what can I

38:27

do to help my? Career and this project

38:29

without killing myself with more work should

38:32

be honest about my assessment, or will

38:34

that make me look like a complainer said I

38:36

just keep my issues? With the sky to myself and

38:38

let my work knowing that heal quickly of

38:40

are right that message and assuming

38:42

a stick it out. What would you advise? Signed

38:45

eclipsed losing my grip, but

38:48

keeping stiff upper lip.

38:49

Then. Sinking ship well, this

38:51

is certainly frustrating typical

38:53

corporate be as getting in a way of project

38:56

and the recognition that you deserve, I

38:58

gotta say really admire that you. Tried to give this

39:00

guy feedback directly that takes courage

39:02

and was definitely the right thing to do,

39:05

it really does suck that he wasn't receptive,

39:07

not surprising, would say, but. The one upside

39:10

is that you tried to do this the right way

39:12

and now you can consider other options

39:15

once again, we wanted an expert depending on

39:17

your question, so we. Reached out to the awesome

39:19

over the town, Alyssa is a startup coach

39:21

and investor and author of the book from

39:24

start up for grown up and she confirmed

39:26

that yes it. Sounds like you have legit

39:28

toxic manager and that's real

39:30

challenge to the first thing Alyssa wanted

39:32

to do was dig little deeper into this

39:34

problem that you're having. She wanted to know

39:37

is the issue with your new manager, his lack

39:39

of experience or simply

39:41

that he's political manager, the kind who kicks

39:44

down and kisses up also given. That

39:46

you're new and the only woman of color

39:48

at your level, Alyssa wondered if

39:50

this is an issue your manager has was used

39:52

specifically for of he's just like

39:54

this with. Every one, all this is advice,

39:56

get some more insight, their schedule,

39:59

few coffee. Then. Either virtually or

40:01

in person and connect with some of your peers,

40:04

these conversations they're not just

40:06

opportunities to complain about your manager as

40:08

tempting as them C.P. there chance

40:10

to. Get your colleagues take on this guy,

40:13

Alice, his approach would be to start off by catching

40:15

up in small talk, ask him how to do

40:17

and how they think they're. Part of the project is

40:19

going stuff like that, feel amount of it, then

40:22

ask them how they're doing with this manager, and

40:24

if they're like Ah Roger, he's the worst

40:26

he. ignores all my good ideas, he took credit

40:29

for my entire pitch deck. Then. You'll know

40:31

it's not just you, but if they say I actually

40:33

rodgers all right, kind of like worked with that guy,

40:35

then Alyssa said to probe for more details

40:38

for. Example: How did they communicate

40:40

with him, how do they get help from him when it's

40:42

needed, how did they make sure their contributions

40:45

gets showcased if you feel comfortable

40:48

you could? Even ask your peers if they have advice

40:50

for you about how to navigate this guy,

40:52

you know, crowdsourced some new ideas about

40:54

how to deal with him, that a work better. For you, if

40:56

you find out that Rodgers this way with every

40:58

one that Alyssa said, maybe you and your

41:00

teammates can put your heads together, come

41:02

up with some ways to. Manage him better,

41:05

get more exposure to leadership, get

41:07

more resources, you're relatively

41:09

new at this place, but maybe some of

41:11

your colleagues have been there longer have some

41:13

ideas on how. To work the system little

41:15

bit better as for the whole boy's

41:17

club thing, trying to gain influence

41:20

when you're different from people at the top, well,

41:22

we're solas about that. To end her

41:24

idea was to pursue your networking and very

41:26

different way, at least as starting

41:28

point, Alyssa recommends meeting your fellow

41:31

employees at all levels and

41:33

cross functionally. One on one or

41:35

in small group kind of like the coffee chats

41:37

that we just mentioned gets, you know, them personally

41:40

find out who their families are at home with them.

41:42

Their hobbies, personal goals, professional

41:44

goals, brainstorm how you can help

41:46

them show them that you care

41:49

less his opinion, and I totally agree with her

41:51

is that is the. Best networking,

41:53

getting to know the human being and set of you showing

41:56

that you want to help showcasing your own

41:58

humanity. For. A moment

42:01

hit pause and challenging the status quo

42:03

and instead get curious about how your colleagues

42:06

do things, the history of why

42:08

they do it that way, analysts has experienced

42:11

that. Will help you build relationships and

42:13

context, both of which you need

42:15

to address the situation that you're in Hanoi

42:17

to teach her as a crazy tick tock school

42:20

right build up. Some capital and perspective

42:22

before you try to change things

42:25

now, I know you have this meeting coming

42:27

up with your manager's manager and you'll obviously

42:29

want to handle this conversation with. Care so

42:32

Alice's advice first of all

42:34

find common ground with as though personally

42:37

as Alyssa put it to us everyone wants to be

42:39

treated as a human being then talk

42:41

with. Him about his goals for the project and

42:43

connect the work you're doing with those

42:45

goals if nothing else", Alyssa

42:48

said that will give you more insight about him and

42:50

subtly showcase. Your work that's

42:52

much more elegant way of saying: "Here's

42:54

what I have personally done to make this project

42:57

successful without actually having

42:59

to say that, then ask

43:01

him for the" Best way: Stay connected during the project

43:03

and not have all the communication go to

43:05

your manager, maybe you have a one on one

43:07

with him personally every month, maybe

43:10

you send. Him status update on your

43:12

own once week where you highlight your

43:14

contributions, your goals,

43:16

your wins, whatever it is, and

43:18

finally, Alyssa said you can raise the

43:20

topic of. Your manager, but you gotta be

43:22

very thoughtful about how you do

43:25

that if you feel like you've built some

43:27

report with this guy you could say, you

43:29

know, Roger might not. Be aware of how much

43:31

time I'm putting in or I'm not sure

43:33

he always knows the best way to support me and

43:35

my work, do you have any ideas for me?

43:37

Said it was, it pointed out that if you frame

43:39

your complaints as requests

43:42

for advice, you might

43:44

make more progress, which is actually brilliant

43:46

principal for handling conflict at work. In

43:49

general, so look, this situation

43:51

you find yourself in it's nuanced

43:53

for sure, but analysts as view

43:56

the best way to be happy at job is to

43:58

have freedom and. The best way to. The old

44:00

freedom is to have options.

44:03

Her. Advice: Save up some money, create

44:05

financial independence and keep building

44:07

your network, and this way, if you ever

44:09

find yourself just at the end of your

44:11

rope, you can make one. Phone call

44:14

and find better job, no shame in

44:16

that sometimes that is the best move again,

44:18

just like the teacher from the earlier question, but

44:20

also having another job offer.

44:22

To on deck, that is always smart

44:25

insurance policy, great bargaining

44:27

chip, and it'll give you little

44:29

psychic freedom knowing that you're not

44:31

stuck or also get link. To list as book

44:33

and her podcast from started to grown up that

44:36

I'll be in the shows along with her five scripts

44:38

for delicate conversations, PDF highly

44:40

recommend that stuff. Good luck, my friend,

44:43

I know you're going to crack this. Jan.

44:45

Jordan Shoot: want thank everyone who road

44:47

in this want for everybody who listen, thank you,

44:49

so my gotta in shoot, gotta thank road

44:51

to Pagan's undercover with the Pagan's

44:53

motorcycle. Come if you how get is or

44:56

Banca come episode if

44:58

you want in I'm and to always I'm as

45:00

folks on the shoot, it's always about my network

45:02

on teaching you. How to build your network usually

45:04

for you in your professional for build and la

45:07

so to network with undercover come

45:09

who Angeles right Banca are. simin

45:11

at network in los the for is for

45:13

it's over on the thank if platform at jordan

45:16

harbinger do come slash for

45:18

don't get the come don't the road do at right now gotta

45:20

dig that well before you get

45:22

thirsty just as i recommended are in the

45:24

previous answer gotta build as road listen

45:27

shoots before you now the jordan

45:29

harbinger that come slash for

45:31

again don't forget i'm gonna be interviewing author ryan

45:33

holiday la onstage in los angeles

45:36

on jan thirteen at the venues west

45:38

tickets available at jordan harbinger that

45:41

come slash tickets again jordan harbinger

45:43

don't come slash tickets come simin interview

45:45

ryan holiday onstage at venues west

45:47

in at la on jan thirteen the

45:50

another listen the shoots for the episode

45:52

as at jordan harbinger that come transient or

45:54

and the shoots i'm at jordan harbinger

45:56

unbowed tickets and instagram or be

45:58

online in you come filenet It. On Twitter

46:00

at Gabriel Ms. Raw, he or on Instagram

46:03

at Gabriel Miss Rohit, this show

46:05

is created in association with Podcast One:

46:07

My Team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson,

46:09

Robber fogarty In Baird, Millie Ocampo,

46:12

Josh Ballard, and of course Gabriel Ms.

46:14

Rice or advice and opinions, those are

46:16

our own and yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I

46:18

am not your lawyer so. Do your own research

46:20

before implementing anything you hear on the show,

46:22

Ditto Corbyn Pain Doctor Margolis,

46:24

as input is general psychological information

46:26

based on research and clinical experience it is intended.

46:29

To be general and informational in nature, it does

46:31

not represent or indicate and establish clinical

46:33

or professional relationship with those inquiring

46:35

for guidance big thanks to elicit tone for her

46:37

wisdom. And experience, remember we

46:39

rise by lifting others share the show

46:41

with those you love, and if he found this episode useful,

46:44

please share it with somebody else who can use

46:46

the. Advice that we gave here today in the

46:48

meantime, do your best to apply what

46:50

you hear on the show so you can live what you listen

46:53

and we'll see you next. Time you're.

46:56

about to hear a preview of the jordan harbinger

46:58

show with one of the most recognizable names

47:00

in journalism My great grandfather

47:04

Cornelius vanderbilt who made to

47:06

fortunes one based on steamships

47:08

one on railroad you know he died

47:10

with hundred million dollars which anything

47:12

seventy seven men. statue

47:15

controlled one out of every twenty dollars

47:17

in circulation nobody could believe

47:19

in my mama's boy vanderbilt then

47:21

she inherited couple million dollars ninety forty

47:23

one

47:24

My mom drank getting my brother and a

47:26

jumping off balcony in front of my mom when

47:28

he was twenty three and I was twenty one the next.

47:31

Hey my mom and wanted funeral to

47:33

view his body and the reporters

47:35

waiting outside the funeral home to get video of us

47:37

going in and. i remember

47:40

in that moment sort of cheating

47:42

the camera people who were doing that do

47:44

know what it's like to be on the other and lands

47:46

don't want to make some real feelings I

47:49

couldn't job at B C or B S I thought

47:51

my very nascent career

47:54

in broadcasting was never going get started,

47:56

the director kindly made me a laminated

47:59

press card. Which was totally

48:01

made up and I got one of their cameras

48:03

as small little camera ended,

48:05

up just spending the next two or three years ago no

48:08

war zones to disasters. you

48:10

never know exactly how people are going to react

48:12

to something here we all think oh well

48:15

you know if i was there are this is what would do

48:17

new can intellectually think you know

48:19

who you are but i'm telling you when

48:21

the lights go out and there's no air condition

48:24

and it's really fucking hard and you have

48:26

food and there's

48:28

crazy stuff going on around you become a different

48:31

person very quickly sometimes

48:33

you become the person that you never thought he'd

48:35

be become superhero and

48:37

you risk your life tell other people some

48:40

the people who thought they would be the heroes and

48:42

up punching women interface order to scale

48:44

wall to get safety