0:00

Hello , hello everybody . Sorry for

0:03

the delay on

0:05

posting . I know I said I would . Here

0:07

I am , I'm uh

0:10

, there's been a few things that came up , um

0:12

, a lot . Actually . I got

0:14

hit , and hit pretty hard , on my birthday

0:17

. Um , I was helping my dad out

0:19

Trimetry , so I was kind of out of commission

0:21

for a week and

0:23

when I recorded the 2024

0:26

outline I was still a little

0:28

delirious from the hit . So , yeah

0:31

, there was that Um in 2023

0:35

, I broke up with my ex Um

0:37

. That was

0:39

one hell of a roller coaster and I'll get into

0:41

that a little bit . On this Um

0:44

, it's uh , it's

0:47

one of those I think talking about

0:49

it will help , maybe someone in the future

0:51

listening , if not , whatever . And

0:54

then a couple of um like

0:58

tidbits , I guess . So

1:00

, uh , the first

1:03

one is obviously the uh , the

1:05

breakup with my ex Um . Actually

1:07

, I attempted to break up for three times . That

1:09

should have been my warning . The

1:12

first and the second time it's like , okay

1:14

, you want to leave this woman for

1:16

some reason . Um , but

1:19

very , very

1:22

lost over Um

1:25

. In the beginning it was love Uh , you could

1:27

call it love bombing . Uh , she was

1:29

texting me , I was texting her all the

1:31

time . I was like two twin flames

1:33

finding each other and just like , oh my God

1:35

, friends , finally , um

1:38

, but as time progressed

1:40

, uh , she slowly

1:42

started showing who she was . Well , I

1:45

slowly started seeing who she was . I

1:47

, I could see who she was and

1:49

it wasn't like a mystery . So

1:52

that part , I

1:55

just was deep

1:57

in the puppy love stage . Puffy love

2:00

, um , yeah

2:02

so . But then there

2:04

was the , the evident

2:06

, the clear day , that kind of was

2:08

like the . The point was

2:10

um December , uh , december

2:13

14th to be exact , I

2:15

was going to Disneyland with her . Her

2:17

mom's friend got a works at Disneyland

2:20

and got us some free tickets . So I didn't have to pay and

2:23

, uh , I was getting whispers of I was

2:26

going to get hired for the railroad . That's where I

2:28

took my long break in 2023

2:30

. Um , and

2:33

uh , yeah , so I

2:36

, we went to Disneyland

2:39

and I was working night shift at that time

2:41

, so I still had my body trained

2:43

to go to sleep by

2:45

um 1pm

2:47

, no matter what , even if I was off , just 1pm

2:50

, you're asleep . So I'm fighting

2:52

going to sleep . Um

2:55

, we don't start heading home to like five or 6pm

2:57

, so that'd

2:59

be like me doing all nighter . For a normal

3:01

person , like your , bedtime's like 10 , well

3:04

, for night shift , like every hour you miss

3:06

out of 30 minutes , kind of thing . So

3:08

it was like 6 , 7am equivalents

3:11

for someone else . Um

3:14

, and near the end of being at

3:16

Disneyland she started having like just

3:18

jealous fits . Oh

3:21

, you're looking at so and so you wanting

3:23

her more than me . And I was like no

3:25

, I was trying to figure out

3:27

why she's wearing flat pink

3:29

with neon green . It

3:32

wasn't quite match , but I

3:34

mean , I guess it worked because I'm looking at her

3:36

and I think . And

3:39

then , um , uh

3:42

, she essentially started having an existential

3:44

crisis in the parking lot at Disneyland

3:46

. So we're sitting there for an hour trying

3:49

to figure that out , but I'm

3:51

pretty much drunk from not

3:53

sleeping . We can't drive cause

3:56

she's crying . So I said you know what ? I

3:58

literally just took my hand , slapped

4:02

the shoe on my face as hard as I could in front of her

4:04

and said , okay , uh

4:06

, adrenaline that should wake me

4:08

up for about the next 10 , 20 minutes . Then

4:11

I looked at her and I'm like then we're going to have to go get some Tabasco

4:13

from a 7-Eleven . And she

4:15

looked at me and she like hot sauce , why would

4:17

you need that ? Cause I'm . I looked at her , I'm

4:19

going to pour that straight in my eyes . That's

4:21

a lot of pain , a lot more adrenaline while I wake

4:23

up . So , instead

4:26

of the pain treatment I gave myself

4:28

, um , she

4:30

mildly pulled

4:33

herself together and was more giving

4:35

me , um , nudges in

4:37

the arm , saying , hey , you're drifting , wake up

4:39

. In that instance , well , it was more preserving

4:42

her life . She was really nice . But

4:44

when we got back , um , this is back when

4:46

I was still doing edibles and weed and smoking

4:48

a lot , um , there's

4:53

a whole thing with me having paranoia and

4:56

panic attacks when I wasn't smoking

4:58

. But

5:00

essentially I

5:04

took a like a two milligram

5:06

dose of THC

5:08

edible and then I was really

5:11

screwed up . So I was taking 20 milligrams

5:13

of melatonin . So I told

5:16

her hey , for here , I'm going to go in and take

5:18

my meds , I'll say goodbye

5:20

to you , because it's like say

5:23

goodbye to her . It was like a 40 minute to an hour episode

5:26

even before this , but

5:28

I at first thought it was cute and it got annoying

5:30

really quick . But

5:35

I told her , I said , hey , I'm going to take this , I

5:37

need you to respect the fact that I took this and I need

5:39

to go to sleep . And she's like yeah

5:41

, yeah , yeah , okay , okay , and I'll

5:45

come back . And she's sitting there like a little

5:47

princess and it was all cute and the

5:49

big bushy eyes . I

5:51

said , all right , princess , got to go . You ever

5:53

kiss on the forehead ? And she grabs

5:55

my arm and suddenly she is just

5:57

bawling , lying

5:59

and I

6:03

sat there and I literally

6:05

a voice in my head , said , just go

6:07

, just leave , damn

6:10

it , just go . I didn't listen

6:12

to it , but it saved myself a lot of

6:14

headaches , so

6:16

I stayed and if anyone knows what it's

6:19

like to take a melatonin

6:21

and then resist it and stay awake , you

6:24

just see some shit . And then I'm

6:26

taking , I took a small dose of edible

6:28

, so I'm really seeing and feeling

6:30

shit . And

6:34

I had to pull myself together and

6:37

she did a . She was known

6:39

for doing a loop . So she'd say one thing , I'd

6:41

comment , ask a question . She'd say another thing

6:43

, I'd comment , ask a question , say a third thing

6:45

, same thing . And the fourth

6:48

I'd say the comment question , but

6:50

then somehow reset back to one . It

6:52

was really weird . I'm sure

6:55

I know what the technical psychology behind that

6:57

is , but I can't recall

6:59

it offhand Did

7:01

that for three hours . It was like

7:03

45 minutes a cycle . So

7:05

finally I just told her

7:07

I'm like , hey , I just have to go . The

7:09

like saving grace was when

7:12

mom called and said hey , I

7:14

see you're at Josh's house still

7:16

, what are you doing , baby

7:19

girl ? Do you need me to come over and pick you up ? Are you

7:21

too tired ? Kind of thing . That

7:23

was my saving grace . So I got

7:25

out , she called her mom , she drove home

7:27

, kind of thing . Many

7:31

, many , many months later , the mom

7:33

that she told me she's like yeah

7:36

, I didn't realize how out

7:39

of sorts my little girl was until

7:43

she came home and was crying and we

7:45

went to the hospital . I'm just like I messed up . I

7:48

messed up . My , my Josh

7:50

is going to leave me . Blah , blah , blah . I

7:53

was looking at the mom because me

7:55

and the mom had a really good relationship

7:57

, a nice , healthy one , like

7:59

the one of the few healthy relationships I've

8:01

had . Um

8:05

, but I told her on my dude , I

8:07

was really thinking of just like man

8:09

, I hate to tell her at her lowest

8:11

point , but like this is fucking disrespectful

8:13

. Like I want to

8:15

go to sleep you know I need to sleep

8:17

Don't get best

8:20

sleep being a night shift person and

8:22

it was just super disrespectful . Um

8:25

, then there was me going to

8:28

the railroad , so I did get the job

8:30

and um

8:32

, well , a little side

8:34

story on my birthday weekend for 2023

8:37

. Um , 2022

8:39

, into 2023 . Um

8:42

, we essentially

8:44

rented out Airbnb . We found this

8:47

cute little Asian couples million

8:50

dollar condo and they were running a room out for like

8:52

50 bucks an IPer and

8:54

, um , it was just , it was just a

8:56

bed . Like , if you could fit three in there , go for

8:58

it 50 bucks , kind of thing . So

9:01

, um , yeah

9:03

, the the whole plan was just like

9:06

. Her thing was like hey , I am your

9:08

gift . Like I am , I

9:11

am your gift to you

9:13

. Yeah , grammar

9:15

sucks right now . Um

9:18

, but so it was . It was like use

9:20

me as , as , however you want . For the

9:22

weekend . I did ring that bell

9:24

a lot . Um , we pretty

9:26

much just had sex sleep

9:28

, eat , um , snuggle and play

9:30

some board games . Rinse and repeat

9:33

was one hell of a fun

9:35

weekend , oh my gosh . Um

9:38

. So then in

9:40

February , when it was confirmed

9:42

I was heading out to Texas for the railroad , we

9:45

did the same thing . Like , we rented out a best

9:47

Western nearby . She didn't want to do the Airbnb

9:49

because I was ghetto , so it was claiming

9:52

oh , by the way , ever

9:54

since the December 14th , she became

9:56

more and more , um , sassy

9:59

, but also unlike

10:02

, rude , and

10:04

a rude I've never seen before from her . So

10:07

she said the Airbnb

10:10

is just too tacky , too cheap

10:12

. I'm better than this . There was , it was

10:14

just it smelled funny and I was like

10:16

, yeah , yeah

10:18

, someone else's house is like , yeah , someone

10:20

else's house , of course it's gonna smell different kind

10:23

of thing . So we rented

10:25

out a best Western . I was getting railroad

10:27

money , so like a thousand bucks a week . I

10:30

knew it was coming , so

10:33

we went halfway , had whatever

10:35

left over from my previous check from

10:38

working as a janitor night shifts , and

10:40

it was supposed to be a repeat

10:43

of birthday

10:45

weekend , not even close . It was just

10:47

her complaining and complaining

10:49

and complaining . I was

10:51

in our red flag , didn't catch that one

10:54

. So then I take off

10:56

to drive off to Texas

10:58

. Obviously my mom

11:00

was all choked up , my , my

11:03

girl at the time , the ex was

11:05

all choked up . My dad , he pretty

11:07

much just couldn't see me leave . He , it

11:10

was too hard for him . So

11:13

I take off and go driving and

11:15

where I was

11:17

driving there was a lot of dead zones so I couldn't

11:20

take calls . But eventually

11:22

I got a nice long stretch , patch , long

11:24

stretch , patch , long area

11:26

with signal and

11:28

called my apps and

11:31

again the complaining and the complaining

11:34

and the complaining , and

11:36

catch it . I was like I get it , I nerves

11:39

anything . I'm

11:42

suddenly moving , I'm leaving

11:44

, she's not useful , she's not good with

11:46

change , I think telling

11:50

myself that . So in Texas

11:52

, when I got there , she kept asking about

11:54

what , what times do I have off , what weekends

11:56

, this and that , blah , blah , blah . And

11:59

I told her I said , hey , well

12:01

, pretty much any Saturday or Sunday , unless something comes

12:04

up , kind of thing . So she , she

12:07

actually bought a ticket and flew out . That was really

12:09

cool for her , like that . I didn't

12:11

expect until she announced it and

12:13

I they brought me my favorite food

12:15

from California , made

12:17

me their Christmas crack in

12:20

February . Um , oh

12:23

my gosh , it was the greatest . Again

12:26

at this point now she's really

12:28

addicted to tick-tock , like she's

12:31

watching tick-tock obnoxiously

12:34

and it's that's actually was the kind of

12:36

I was kind of getting insulted because

12:38

we're trying to show different things and she just watched

12:40

tick-tock and

12:42

I was like , okay , trying

12:46

to , didn't dismiss that by . That's weird . So

12:49

her claim

12:51

on her , her videos on her tick-tock

12:53

, is that she flew

12:55

out and I was really rough and rude with her

12:58

, didn't give her the praise and blah , blah , blah

13:00

. To be honest

13:02

, she

13:06

wanted to do it I guess one day . So

13:09

I said , okay , on lunch I come home . I got to

13:11

do it , but I only have 30 minutes . If

13:13

I'm late , I'm . I could

13:15

get in a lot of trouble and get fired before

13:18

this game even gets started , kind of thing

13:20

. Okay , babe , totally

13:22

understand , come home

13:24

, we try to do the deed . I

13:27

know it was quite rude , not settling afterwards

13:30

, but I'm like , hey , I have to go , like

13:32

I have five minutes

13:34

and it's a five-minute drive , I'm really

13:36

gonna make it . And

13:39

I realized , yes , that was very rude

13:41

, no settling afterwards , but I needed

13:43

to get to work , nothing

13:45

. So then I

13:47

tried to make it up to her afterwards

13:50

. She just watched tick-tock the whole weekend and I

13:52

actually asked her in person my hell

13:54

, did you fly yourself out here only to watch tick-tock

13:57

? You just literally paid $340

13:59

to watch tick-tock in a bed in

14:02

Texas . Go see your aunt , go

14:04

see your cousins , kind of thing . I'm like don't

14:07

be in here watching tick-tock , go . You

14:09

have family out here , go see them . She'll , I'm here for

14:11

you . I'm like I'm busy , kind

14:13

of thing . Yeah

14:17

, I

14:19

met her aunt . Really nice lady

14:22

. She's like the mom Really

14:24

cool . Essentially

14:28

, me and the aunt got talking

14:30

about different

14:34

things and

14:36

essentially she told me she was the first I think that

14:38

was the first domino to

14:40

actually register that the set is falling

14:42

. I said how

14:45

are you and Sabri doing ? My

14:48

ex is Sabrina , by the way , so they would

14:50

call her Sabri and I said

14:52

, oh yeah , me and Sabri are doing , we're

14:54

doing okay . And

14:57

I just finished an argument with her and

15:00

no one won , by the way . And

15:03

she's like you look tired and

15:06

worn out , kind of thing . And

15:08

she gave me a big hug and like we just

15:11

met , kind of thing . And she's saying

15:13

this to me . And that's when I registered . I'm like

15:15

, oh , something's

15:17

wrong , something's really wrong

15:20

, kind of thing . So

15:23

, as some time passes

15:25

and I go back in California

15:27

trying to do my job , and

15:29

essentially the same thing , she was constantly calling

15:32

me , calling me about her day . Oh , and

15:34

after December 14th

15:36

, another thing she started doing , on top of watching

15:38

more TikTok , was um , emphasizing

15:43

that men are stupid , men are neanderthals

15:47

, men are disgusting

15:49

and dangerous . And so she

15:51

would say , oh , the men

15:53

at work . And

15:56

I was like , oh , the men are traglodytes

15:58

, kind of thing . Oh , the men just only want you

16:00

for your body . Oh , the men

16:02

this like joking back and

16:06

I said , well , you do realize like

16:08

I am a man too , like oh , no , no , no , no , no

16:10

, no , you're an exception , you're okay

16:12

, you're cute and

16:14

I like you . I'm like , yeah

16:16

, I mean this is internal . I'm like yeah , but

16:18

the way you treat me doesn't say that at all . Um

16:23

, so when I get back , I get fired

16:25

from the railroad and

16:27

I call the first person

16:29

. I thought the car was where my

16:33

girlfriend and I said hey , baby

16:35

girl , I'm sorry I'm , I

16:39

have to be home by the end of

16:41

the day and I don't know what to do . Listen

16:44

that . Her first comment . So I asked question

16:47

was not if what happened

16:49

? Are you ? What's

16:52

going on ? No , it's . Oh

16:54

darn , I guess

16:56

we were not going to get a place to rent now

16:58

. That

17:00

was her first question and I was like what the

17:03

fuck ? So

17:05

I told her . I said , hey , I need to go tell my mom

17:07

, my uncle . I was going to ask my dad

17:09

see if I can get a job at

17:13

Staters again . Mind

17:16

you , I worked my ass off before heading off

17:18

to Texas with a

17:21

grocery store I was at was working at as a night

17:23

shift janitor . Me

17:26

and the manager were tight . So I said hey , a body

17:28

for body is not a janitor for a janitor , but

17:30

at least a body for a body . I

17:34

called him . He did all the paperwork

17:36

through some time . Eventually I had

17:38

to turn down the offer the day I was offered it , which

17:41

is my uncle needed my help , which I'm

17:44

going to find out . That was the most smartest thing I

17:46

ever did . But

17:49

yeah , then

17:52

I became a pool guy and

17:54

I really like the pool guy stuff . I

17:57

don't really get bothered . I can't

17:59

even call here and there when something weird happens

18:02

and I was the last guy there , but

18:04

those don't happen that often . My

18:10

ex realized she could call me and not get

18:12

in trouble , so she'd call me the moment she wakes

18:14

up until the moment she goes to work

18:16

and she'd come on a break

18:18

. Then she'd just start having panic

18:21

attacks during work and would call me during panic

18:23

attacks . I was getting called like

18:25

six to eight

18:27

hours a day and then

18:30

I had to see her for hours in

18:32

person . That's

18:36

essentially the first attempt . I was like , hey , I'm just going

18:38

to , we're breaking up , kind of thing

18:40

. She's like oh , I'll do better , I'll do better

18:42

, I'll change . No , I

18:44

even said that no , you're not going to change . She's

18:47

like well , you changed , you became less

18:49

this , you did this , I can

18:51

do it too , but you're going to have to give me time . I

18:54

was like fine , fine

18:56

, yes , okay . Second attempt , which

18:58

, july 4th , eventually

19:01

, I actually just sent it . I was going to be a chicken

19:03

shit and just do it over the phone and be like we're done . Essentially

19:09

, she , she like , meet me in person

19:11

, just meet me in person , halfway

19:14

, let's talk at target kind of thing . Off

19:17

to target . And then

19:20

tricked me into staying with her . Okay

19:22

, I mean , she guilted me into it . I

19:26

guess I could be considered a trick but saying

19:30

, oh , you did this , you did that , you

19:33

don't even consider my feelings , blah , blah , blah

19:35

. So

19:37

I go buy some hot dogs and hot

19:41

dog buns long for for July . Surprisingly

19:44

, walmart had it . I was really

19:46

surprised , actually . And

19:49

we're having a cookout fire

19:51

, this and that . Questions are just where

19:53

does all get out ? And my mom

19:56

at this point is really worried about

19:58

me because my stress has just gotten to

20:00

a bad point . I'm stressed

20:02

from heat , I'm stressed from work , I'm stressed from

20:04

Sabrina , I'm stressed with life . It's

20:08

not in a good spot . I was not in a good spot so

20:12

near the end , when the sun was setting , I

20:14

sent my ex

20:16

home saying , hey , you need to get

20:18

going . Once

20:20

the fireworks start , the drugs are going to start driving

20:22

, kind of thing . As

20:26

I say that , one of the hills

20:28

catch me fire nearby

20:30

and I'm like , oh my

20:33

gosh . And that's when she's all complaining like no

20:35

, I can't go , I can't leave

20:37

you , I can't do this , I just can't

20:39

. And she sees the fire and she's like , oh

20:42

, yeah , okay , for a different reason

20:44

, I can't go . And I just know

20:46

when , yelling at her well , just well , it'll

20:48

be fine , kind of thing . Yeah

20:53

, the fire went out , by the way , it was pretty quick . The

20:57

fire team nearby was spot-on

20:59

, they were good , yeah

21:03

. Then even the mom of my ex was texting

21:05

me saying , hey , if you need a place to stay for a while

21:07

, it's your house burns . We got you

21:09

. Blah , blah , blah , never need

21:12

to take that offer . And

21:15

so then , september

21:18

11th , I know another

21:21

one of those . Wow , josh

21:23

, you couldn't have picked a better day to do it

21:25

. Um , had

21:27

her show up to a local mall . Like

21:30

I planned it out , we

21:33

had it . So it was the 9th or the 10th

21:35

. Me and her had a terrible argument

21:37

like at

21:40

this point . Since the July 4th to

21:42

the September area , the

21:45

arguing has gotten to the point

21:47

we're just going for the emotional jugular

21:49

, like we're just seeing who could believe the hardest

21:51

. And

21:54

this point I'm pretty much pretty much on deaf's

21:56

door . I'm

21:59

so emotionally drained the

22:01

thing that made me confirm

22:03

it because after the argument I called the mom

22:06

again . I had never really texted or

22:08

interfered with the mom , my ex

22:10

, I just this one

22:12

. I had a caller and I was like you

22:14

heard what happened last night , who's

22:17

in the wrong ? And I think I said

22:19

I know you have Sabrina in

22:21

your best interest . You also

22:24

heard the whole argument and she

22:26

said you were 100%

22:28

correct and the way you handle

22:30

it was more than stellar

22:32

. She's like she was the

22:34

immature one . And

22:36

then I was like I'm so scared

22:39

of this . And that's where she like

22:41

paused and I could hear her like having

22:43

something to fidget with and said Josh , one

22:46

thing we've been needing to tell you but

22:49

we just never

22:51

get around to it was we look like are

22:53

you okay ? I'm like well , I'm

22:56

alive , my heart's beating . She's

22:59

like no , do you feel empty and tired

23:02

? I'm like , yeah , like you

23:04

look like you're dying . Every

23:06

day you show up to make my baby

23:08

girl feel better . You

23:10

look like you're only , you're a step

23:12

away from death and

23:15

I was like what that's

23:18

? When I realized I'm like I can't , you

23:20

can't continue this . So

23:23

it was like three or four days later is when I did

23:25

, when that all played out and

23:28

she guilted me into staying with her . Just friends

23:31

, just friends . The

23:34

next day I woke up and

23:36

I had I get a lot of vivid

23:38

dreams when I'm processing stuff and I actually

23:40

remember and the dream

23:42

was essentially her

23:44

sitting in my my fuck , it's

23:49

an old neighborhood , but it was essentially where this

23:51

old neighborhood was and

23:53

it was like me driving on this white concrete

23:55

that my martial arts instructor and martial

23:58

arts buddy , lord . What

24:01

they said , oh , it's okay , but no excuses

24:03

, you're a man , kind of thing . If you can't

24:05

handle it either , leave her man up , kind of thing

24:07

. And I

24:09

get back in the truck after feeling bad about their work

24:11

and they fix it , kind of thing . And

24:14

I look over at my ex and she has

24:16

these big , glowing red eyes

24:19

and super sharp , pointy teeth

24:21

, her face is super stretched out

24:23

and she's growling

24:25

like a freaking wolf . And

24:28

I look at her and go what the fuck are you doing

24:30

kind of thing , and she's like , oh

24:35

, now I woke

24:37

up and I couldn't go back to sleep and that's when I realized

24:40

I'm Mike . That's going to be

24:42

the relationship . That

24:44

is the summary of my relationship with her . If I continue

24:46

as friends , she will make it a point

24:48

to hurt me . I mean , I'm a contact

24:50

her anytime I see her . She

24:53

will hurt me and she will always hurt me . So

24:55

I sent her a voice message

24:58

. She called

25:00

me , wanted to tell me a few things via

25:02

phone

25:06

. So fallout after

25:09

September 12 was

25:11

pretty rough . I mean

25:13

, I was essentially emotionally

25:16

whipsawed , manipulated

25:18

, trauma-bond , whatever you want to say

25:20

went through the ringer . The

25:24

first month was hard . I

25:27

did break my promise . I did see her in person

25:29

once . That actually worked out pretty well . I

25:32

would text her once or twice a

25:35

week and then finally

25:37

it got awkward and I completely

25:39

blocked her after sending

25:42

her a TikTok video about

25:44

how this

25:46

was a dude in a truck saying , hey

25:49

, I wish you could see

25:51

the way I see you . I wish you

25:53

could understand what I've been through . But

25:56

you can't , and that's okay . What kind of thing

25:58

. So

26:01

, yeah , pateroff completely went cold

26:03

. Turkey deleted

26:07

her on all my social media stuff and

26:10

not gonna lie , now

26:13

in it's January

26:15

15 , 2024 , 5

26:18

pm that I'm recording this . I

26:21

don't really think about her that much anymore , other

26:23

than them , because I did a lot with her for a year

26:25

. So , other than comments like , oh yeah , me and Sabrina

26:27

did this , or Sabrina

26:30

said that , like I don't

26:32

pine for her anymore , that's

26:39

big . The

26:41

one thing , though , now the real fallout

26:44

from this and I'm still struggling with it is

26:46

the January 4 until

26:49

the breakup in September , and even

26:51

afterwards I

26:53

really had a bit of a mild porn addiction

26:55

that , but

26:57

it was like they had Sabrina . I was like

26:59

, oh , I don't need it that much , kind of thing

27:02

. And yeah

27:05

, that after

27:07

leaving her because she

27:10

was like really curvy

27:12

, thick Latina , like

27:15

gorgeous , plump and everything

27:17

and they go all the right places , so

27:19

little dude , the little soldier

27:21

, kept standing at attention and

27:24

would just be like let's go , I think

27:26

. And

27:28

chun , after leaving her , I got

27:30

super hornies . I was like , so

27:33

I was watching

27:35

a lot of porn just to alleviate the stress . It

27:39

worked for like I don't know two

27:41

weeks . And then suddenly I'm like , oh , this

27:44

is like genuine . This is after

27:46

the breakup , but that's we're saying like

27:48

January 4 . January

27:52

, no , july 4

27:54

. Wow , sorry

27:56

if I confused you July 4 , september

27:59

12 . Um so

28:01

, from July 4 , I was struggling

28:04

. I was using porn

28:06

more often to cope with the stress and

28:10

after September 12 , I

28:12

really used it . I tapered

28:14

off a little

28:17

bit like the late October November

28:19

area , and

28:23

but then it just kicked up and

28:26

I

28:29

also didn't help myself in any situation

28:32

. I got a boy essentially

28:34

, and so

28:37

Swiss , from one method

28:39

to another , made it more pleasurable

28:41

and more addictive . I was

28:43

really thought well , thought through . So

28:46

, after getting hit in the head on

28:48

my birthday , having to go to the

28:50

yard pretty much confused

28:53

for like a week , they used

28:56

again porn and masturbation as

28:58

a like pain killer

29:01

. Like I was in a very stressful situation

29:03

. I'm like I know dopamine can help in a short

29:06

term of pain , but it also

29:08

misses up my ability to process other

29:10

stuff . I think

29:12

it was after watching a certain video I

29:14

was just like , why am I doing this kind

29:17

of thing ? I was like

29:19

, why did I go down to this path

29:21

? And it was like something snapped in

29:23

my heart , it was like a rope , and

29:26

suddenly

29:28

I felt a rush and I realized I'm like no

29:31

, I am full

29:33

fledged addicted right now , like

29:35

I am literally , metaphorically

29:37

, balls deep into this and

29:40

so I

29:42

tried giving it up , relapsed

29:46

, relapsed again and relapsed again

29:48

. But um , how

29:52

I realized I had a problem is I

29:54

couldn't get up unless I fired

29:56

up my phone and

29:59

looked up a certain hentai comic and

30:02

yeah , suddenly

30:04

little dudes had attention , rock hard

30:07

and everything , and I

30:09

kind of like today's reason why I'm recording it and

30:11

posting it today and I'm not even going to try

30:13

to clean up all those blunders . I

30:16

realized I'm like , oh my God , I'm still addicted . So

30:19

I downloaded all these porn filter apps

30:21

and trackers and all that

30:23

. So I'm

30:25

trying to get my shit together . Getting

30:30

addicted to porn around 11 , being an

30:32

on again , off again relationship , I

30:35

think this is going to be one

30:37

of the hardest fights in my life because that's a lot

30:40

of bitchy

30:42

pattern . So just

30:45

kind of wanted to say that . I

30:47

know usually Mondays I talk about business

30:49

or whatever , but just

30:51

wanted to get that off my chest . Hopefully

30:54

I helped someone . I

30:57

will try to figure out how to make this a video

30:59

. I'm trying to

31:01

short on cash so I can't afford your video

31:03

editing software and stuff

31:06

like that . So I'm using Audacity and OpenShot

31:09

video editor , so

31:12

I'm going to try different methods of posting

31:17

videos . I'm also working on

31:19

different thumbnails and how

31:22

to use them for a

31:24

little better impressions and

31:26

click through , but also just

31:28

what works and what doesn't . I

31:32

just talked about my porn addiction , but I'm like I wonder

31:34

if big booby anime girls get people

31:36

to click , or is it more like

31:38

a mysterious classy

31:40

, fully covered when

31:43

a guy or gal works Like

31:46

what's this , who's this ? Mysterious man

31:48

kind of thing , and

31:50

so I'm going to

31:52

play with around with that . I made two dummy

31:55

accounts , so

31:57

if one of them

31:59

gets in trouble , it's not my intention to make money

32:01

off it anyways , but

32:03

I'm also going to try different content on them

32:05

. One might be more

32:07

just like radical and

32:12

Shapiro or Jordan Peterson saying , hey

32:14

, you got to do this , I don't care what

32:16

the others fucking say , you got to do this . And

32:20

then one might just be like the stereotypical

32:23

SEO If

32:25

you want to get over this , you should

32:27

do this , and here's why Pay

32:29

attention to the end . So

32:33

yeah , I'm going to work on those and

32:35

figure out this video . Yeah

32:41

, this is a bit of a hot mess , hot take . Hopefully

32:46

it's helpful and if

32:48

you have any other topics you want to hear

32:51

or talk about . I have a lot of like cool

32:53

stories in my head and

32:56

shit I've gone through . I mean

32:58

, my ability

33:00

to not see red flags is amazing

33:02

and I've gotten myself into some fucking

33:05

crazy stories . So

33:08

if you want to hear some of those , give

33:10

me a holler . Yeah

33:13

, other than that , have a good one , everybody

33:16

, and see you next time

33:18

.