0:07

Well , hey , leader , and welcome to another episode of the L3

0:09

Leadership Podcast , where we are obsessed with helping

0:11

you grow to your maximum potential and to maximize

0:14

the impact of your leadership . My name is

0:16

Doug Smith and I am your host , and today's episode is

0:18

brought to you by my friends at Beratung Advisors

0:20

. We also recorded this episode live from the

0:22

new returncom studio . If

0:24

you're new to the podcast , welcome . I'm so glad that

0:26

you're here and I hope that you enjoy our content and

0:28

become a subscriber . Know that you can also

0:30

watch all of our episodes over on our YouTube channel

0:32

as well , so make sure you're subscribed there . And

0:35

, as always , if you've been listening to the podcast for a while

0:37

and it's made an impact on your life , it would mean the

0:39

world to me . If you leave a rating and review on Apple

0:41

Podcast or Spotify or whatever app

0:43

you listen to podcast through , that really does help us

0:45

to grow our audience and reach more leaders , so thank

0:47

you in advance for that . Well

0:50

, leader , in this week's episode you're going to hear my conversation with Ramsey

0:52

personality Dr John Delony

0:55

. This is John's second time on the podcast

0:57

and it was a fantastic conversation . If

0:59

you're unfamiliar with John , let me just tell you a little bit

1:01

about him . Dr John Delony is a bestselling

1:04

author , mental health expert and the host

1:06

of the Dr John Delony show . John

1:09

has two PhDs and over two decades

1:11

of experience in counseling , crisis response

1:13

and higher education . He is the author

1:15

of bestselling books building a non-anxious

1:17

life , own your past and

1:19

change your future , and redefining anxiety

1:22

. John has appeared on Fox News

1:24

, fox Business and Today and has been featured in

1:26

the real , simple and fast company magazines , as

1:28

well as the HuffPost . He has also been

1:30

a guest on the minimalist podcast and

1:33

the Dr Jordan B Peterson

1:35

podcast as well , and if

1:37

you've never heard John , you are in for a treat . He's incredible

1:39

. I know you're going to love this episode and , if you do

1:41

, I'd encourage you to go back and listen to our other conversation

1:44

as well . But in our conversation today

1:46

, we talk about his new book Building a Non-Anxious

1:48

Life . We talk about how to raise kids

1:50

who live non-anxious lives , which is really , really fascinating

1:53

. I talk to him about his thoughts on alcohol

1:55

and marijuana when it comes to anxiety , and so

1:57

much more . I think you're going to love this conversation

1:59

. But before we dive in , just a few announcements . This

2:02

episode of the L3 Leadership Podcast is sponsored

2:05

by Beratung Advisors . The financial

2:07

advisors at Beratung Advisors help educate

2:09

and empower clients to make informed financial

2:11

decisions . You can find out how Beratung

2:13

Advisors can help you develop a customized financial

2:16

plan for your financial future by visiting

2:18

their website at beratungadvisorscom

2:20

. It's B-E-R-A-T-U-N-G-Advisors . com

2:24

. Securities and investment products

2:26

and services offered through LPL Financial

2:29

, member of FINRA , and S-I-P-C . Beratung

2:31

Advisors , LPL Financial and L3 Leadership

2:33

are separate entities . I

2:35

also want to thank our sponsor , hennie Jewelers . They were jewelry

2:37

earned by my friend and mentor , John Henne , and

2:40

my wife Laura and I got our engagement and wedding rings

2:42

through Henne Jewelers and had an incredible experience

2:44

. And not only do they have great jewelry

2:46

, but they also invest in people . In fact , for every

2:48

couple that comes in engaged , they give them a book to

2:50

help them prepare for marriage , and we just love that . So

2:53

if you're in need of a good jeweler , check out HenneJewelerscom

2:56

. And I also want to thank our new sponsor

2:58

, returncom and Leader . Let me just ask you

3:01

this have you ever had an interest in investing

3:03

in real estate ? Well , now , for as little as $500

3:06

, you can become a commercial real estate investor

3:08

. Just visit Returncom to

3:10

learn more . That's

3:13

R-E-I-T-U-R-N . c om . If anything involves risk

3:15

, please consult the Return offering circular if

3:17

you're interested in investing . And

3:19

with all that being said , that's Divered In . Here's my conversation

3:22

with Dr John Delony . John

3:27

Delony , welcome back to the L3 Leadership Podcast

3:30

. So good to see you , my friend . You too , doug

3:32

. Yeah , why don't we just catch up , man ? So

3:34

it's been probably a year or two since we've caught up

3:36

, but what's going on new in your world ? What's new

3:38

at Ramsey ?

3:39

Man , we are running and gunning . It's

3:42

been another wild year of being

3:44

on the road and writing books and shows

3:46

growing really well , so it's just been another chaotic

3:48

year . I still have my two little kids

3:50

and we started the year with 15

3:53

chickens and there's a bobcat in the field

3:55

, so we're down to nine .

3:57

So we're all over the place , man , you going bobcat hunting

3:59

, what's up .

4:00

Dude , I

4:02

had to run in with the bobcat , but I was with my daughter

4:05

and she I let

4:09

the bobcat live and it's cost us a bunch

4:11

of chickens and it's become an existential thing for

4:13

my daughter . She was like dad , I saved it , why is it

4:15

doing this to us ? And I was like this is how the

4:17

world works . It's a whole thing .

4:20

So yeah , is this ? Is this anything like ? Are you getting into farming

4:22

? Do you want to expand into like cows , sheep

4:25

?

4:26

Oh , dude , I've . I try to get sheep in a cow . Every

4:28

year my wife is like , hey , let's just slow

4:30

the roll because I'm on the road , so that like

4:32

when I say , yeah , we're , we want to get a cow , what

4:34

I mean is I want to buy a cow and I want my wife

4:37

to raise it .

4:38

She just doesn't want to do cows ?

4:40

Yeah , one day I would love to , but right now we're

4:44

just running around .

4:45

Yeah , man and Ramsey , obviously you've been busy . You

4:48

have a new book out which we're about to dive into , but I

4:50

think when we last connected you know I don't know how early

4:52

you were into your career , ramsey , but you were still kind

4:54

of getting used to the whole sales thing and , you

4:57

know , promoting yourself how are you feeling now ? Like

4:59

, are you , are you in your comfort zone now with all that stuff

5:01

? No , I'll never be in my comfort zone there , like

5:06

the I .

5:06

here's what I've become more comfortable . Comfortable

5:08

with is um , somebody

5:11

gave me a , had a good conversation with me that

5:13

was really valuable , which was hey

5:16

, when you are trying to be all shucks and

5:18

like for your listeners . I don't like being like hey

5:20

, dude , buy my book or buy my questions for humans

5:22

cards or listen to my show . If

5:27

I actually believe in what I'm doing and

5:29

I know that there's hurting people

5:31

out there and I don't speak up

5:33

and say , hey , I got a tool that can help you , I'm actually

5:36

like this false humility I walk

5:38

around with and this all shucks it's

5:40

. It's actually hurting people , it's not helping and

5:42

so that was a good hey . If you write a book

5:44

that you think is good enough for people to read , it's

5:46

going to actually give them some tools to help their life . What

5:49

kind of jerk are you to just be like , oh , no one , talk

5:51

about it . Or if you think your show adds value

5:53

into a world that is in

5:55

media landscape it's increasingly full of nonsense

5:58

, then open your mouth and talk about it

6:00

. So I ? It's less about talking about me and

6:02

someone to sell my stuff . It's more about

6:04

hey , dude , if I

6:07

think that I have developed a tool that can

6:09

help people have more peace in their life

6:11

and a better marriage and be be a little more intentional

6:13

parents . What a jerk to keep my

6:15

mouth shut about it . And so and honestly , that's whether

6:17

it's my stuff or whether I stumble on a workout program

6:20

by the Mime Pump guys and I I'd

6:22

sell , I I I tell everybody about it . Or

6:25

the protein I buy from laying Norton , like I tell

6:27

everybody about it . The L three podcast

6:29

, I tell everybody about it because it's good

6:31

stuff , right , and so

6:33

I have to , I have to be a part of that same camp

6:35

.

6:36

Well , a mum pump workout and protein shakes

6:38

Talk to me about those two I've never heard of . Well , I know

6:40

what protein shakes are , but what do you take and why do you promote

6:42

these ?

6:43

Mine pump . Is it's ?

6:44

three guys out of .

6:46

San Jose , or four guys , four guys

6:48

out of San Jose , three in front of the camera

6:51

and one behind , but they were personal trainers for

6:53

years and years and years for decades . And

6:55

basically they're doing for personal training

6:57

and nutrition what Dave Ramsey did for

6:59

finance , which is all of the

7:02

popular advice , ends up being

7:04

very self-serving for a small

7:06

group of people and it traps and

7:08

essentially enslaves people . And

7:11

so Doug and Sal and Justin and those guys give

7:14

some what I would call counterintuitive advice and wisdom

7:16

, same as Dave Ramsey does with money . And

7:19

Lane Norton is the same way . He's

7:22

got a PhD in physiology

7:24

. He's a protein synthesis guy , but he's a weight lifter

7:26

, he's a meathead and he's also a savant . He's

7:28

brilliant . And so

7:30

when you have a

7:33

PhD and you win the strongman

7:36

competition every year the lifting comp , powerlifting

7:38

competition I want to know

7:40

like , hey , what protein do you take ? And he's like I take

7:42

this , and so that's the stuff I buy . So I can't stop talking

7:44

about it because I'm using it in my own life and

7:46

with my kids and my family , and it's amazing , can

7:48

you ?

7:49

share the protein . I'm always looking for

7:51

better yeah .

7:53

The company is called Biolane B-I-O-L-A-Y-N-E

7:56

and it is phenomenal

7:58

. Just amazing yeah

8:00

.

8:00

All right man , so you're going to

8:02

be the world's strongest male competition next year ?

8:04

Not even no . I'm just trying to keep old

8:07

age at bay , and protein intake

8:09

is a huge part of that , and lifting weights , especially , is

8:11

a huge part of it .

8:12

So beautiful man . Well , hey , let's dive in the

8:14

new book and then we'll see where else we go . But

8:16

I believe this is your second big book with Ramsey . It's

8:18

called Building a Non-Anxious Life , and

8:21

so talk to us about why did you write this and

8:23

what do you want leaders to get out of it .

8:25

Well , somebody asked me that when I first launched the book and I think

8:27

it was on stage they asked me and

8:30

I have a rule that if I get asked a

8:32

question that I wasn't prepared for , I just answer it honestly

8:34

, and then I got to deal with what it is . So here's

8:37

the truth . The truth of it is I did

8:39

not want to write a book on anxiety . I wanted to write a book on

8:41

loneliness or

8:44

adult friendship or marriage , and

8:46

because I think both of those

8:48

ideas need to have some different conversations

8:51

around them . And the publishing

8:53

team was like , oh , that's really cute . So

8:55

, but you're going to write a book about anxiety . And I was like , yeah

8:57

, I don't want to . I want to talk about something else , and

8:59

I've been talking about anxiety for 20 years . I'm kind of

9:01

done talking about it . And they said , oh , that's so

9:03

great , and you're going to write a book on anxiety

9:06

. And so I thought , since I'd written

9:08

a number one already , that I had some clout

9:10

. I did not , the truth

9:12

be told . Once I got into it and

9:15

I sat down to start writing it , I got several

9:17

chapters in and I realized , oh , you

9:19

don't want to write this book because you're not living this life

9:21

. You're being hypocritical

9:24

, you're not telling the truth . And so it

9:26

started as a science , like

9:30

here's the stuff about anxiety

9:32

. And then it turned very much into me pulling

9:35

up a seat at the bar and being like , hey , pastor Nachos

9:37

, I'm with you guys and let's figure this

9:39

thing out . So it turned into a much

9:41

more . I'm walking alongside you , not preaching

9:44

at you . And it ended up being I told my wife

9:46

once the book was over , once

9:48

I had submitted the last manuscript . I said if not one person

9:50

buys this , my life is better , my

9:52

marriage is better , my relationship with my kids is better

9:55

, my mental and emotional health is better because

9:57

of this exercise . So it's a very personal

9:59

book , but it's also a

10:01

. It's a path to freedom , man , it

10:04

really is .

10:05

And talk about the need out there . You know , last time we talked

10:07

I think we were just coming out of COVID and everyone

10:09

was kind of talking about mental health crisis . You

10:12

know , fast forward to today , I work at a rescue

10:14

mission in our city . I think we talked about that

10:16

and , man , we're seeing mental health issues like

10:18

we've never seen before . I feel like in the leadership

10:20

space , I'm having more leaders come to me and saying I'm struggling

10:22

with anxiety than I've ever heard before

10:25

. What do you say ? I mean , you have a daily show

10:27

on this . You know what are you seeing out there for the need for

10:29

this book .

10:31

I think the need is twofold . Number

10:34

one we've created a world

10:36

our bodies can't live in , and so

10:38

it's no surprise that everybody

10:41

is spinning out the

10:43

original idea for this . The original seed

10:45

is planted . I guess the fruit is this book

10:47

, but the original seed was planted about a decade

10:49

ago and I was at one of my nerd conferences

10:52

that nerds go to to talk to other nerds and somebody's

10:54

talking about the genetics of ADHD

10:57

, and partway

10:59

through the presentation

11:02

the one nerd

11:04

turned to the rest of us nerds and was

11:06

like hey , by the way , this cannot

11:09

be exclusively genetic

11:11

. That's not how genes work . Everybody did not

11:13

suddenly get an ADHD

11:15

gene that turned

11:17

on at the same time . So

11:20

there's got to be environmental

11:22

complexities here , there's got to be some heritable

11:24

complexities here , and on and on , as

11:26

I that planted the seed and

11:29

I asked a question to myself walking out , what

11:32

if ADHD is right ? And

11:34

I begin pulling the string on that

11:37

question along , all among

11:39

a number of things in our culture and in our

11:41

lives and in our biology that we try to quote , unquote

11:43

, fix . And so this book is

11:45

really asking a scary question , which I think

11:47

is the right question , which is what

11:49

if our anxiety isn't the problem . What

11:52

if our anxiety is telling the truth ? If

11:54

the last number I read if you take burnout

11:58

and you take chronic stress and you take anxiety

12:00

and you just dump it all in a bucket , it's about

12:02

half of America . So

12:05

what if everybody who burned out , everybody

12:08

who's just chronically buzzing

12:11

all the time , and then the rest

12:13

of folks who either have

12:15

pervasive anxiety symptoms or

12:17

fall under some clinical diagnosis

12:19

for anxiety , what if they're right

12:22

? What if their bodies are working really

12:24

well ? It's easier

12:26

to say , hey , let's just the analogies in the

12:28

book . Is anxiety is just a smoke alarm

12:31

in your kitchen ? It's easy to

12:33

get up in real quick and

12:35

take a baseball bat and just smash that alarm

12:37

, or just get up there and pull the battery out . That's the easy

12:39

thing . So you're dealing with anxiety

12:41

, chronic stress , burnout . The easy thing is to blame

12:43

somebody like oh , you need to do seven steps

12:46

or you need to just

12:48

shut the alarm off medicinally

12:50

or with sitting in a cold

12:52

field like meditating . That's

12:54

the easy part . The harder part

12:57

is asking what in your

12:59

life has your body identified

13:01

as such a pervasive threat

13:03

that it has to sound the alarms all the time

13:06

? And that's a much more complex

13:08

and scary question to ask , and

13:11

so I am pretty direct

13:13

in the book . This book is not like

13:15

what are the four things you can do when you

13:17

feel anxious , or how

13:19

do you stop a panic attack . That

13:21

book is every . There's a million of those books written

13:23

and in fact you can Google that . This

13:25

book is a harder , yet , I think , better

13:28

question , which is what changes

13:30

do I have to make in my life so

13:32

that my body , which I think is working pretty

13:34

well , stops trying to get my

13:36

attention ? 24 , seven , 365

13:38

. And this book is

13:41

my best attempt to distill

13:43

those things down and not have a nerdy

13:45

science book put to give people a roadmap

13:47

. So that's , the conversation about anxiety

13:49

is a mess . But I think those business leaders

13:51

dude , if you're out of business right

13:53

now , you should be freaked out of your mind . It's

13:55

chaos . If you're a parent , you

13:58

should not . I mean , of course you should be losing

14:00

sleep . It's mayhem , right

14:02

. And so let's

14:04

don't get mad at our bodies . Let's ask the

14:06

bigger , harder questions and go after those

14:08

.

14:08

And the first . You lay out in the book

14:10

six different choices that we can make every day , and the first one's

14:13

choosing reality . Can you talk about that ? You know

14:15

someone that's saying man , I'm

14:17

relating to what John's saying . Where do I start

14:19

?

14:20

So , yeah , we so

14:22

kindly call our

14:24

new era the attention economy

14:26

, right ? So if you're running a business , we want to get

14:28

each other's attention or the attention

14:30

of our customers with lead magnets and funnels

14:33

and all those things Great

14:36

, smart advertising , smart advertising

14:38

. You know all that . I think

14:40

the more honest thing , honest economy

14:43

we're running is not an attention economy . We're

14:45

running a distraction economy . If

14:47

our consumers actually

14:49

stop and ask themselves do I need

14:51

this , will this make

14:53

my life well , is this a problem I

14:56

need solved in my life , which was what the point

14:58

of business should be

15:00

, I think our economy would implode

15:02

right now . And so the question

15:04

is where are we all being distracted

15:06

? And I think we have reached

15:08

, almost overnight , a world where

15:11

we don't have to traffic

15:13

in reality . We traffic in

15:15

feelings and we traffic in I'll

15:17

pay for it later and we traffic in this feels

15:20

good right now . And so choosing reality

15:22

. Here's the challenge . With that , our

15:25

frontal lobes , our

15:27

thinking part of our brain , can rationalize

15:29

anything , but your amygdala , as

15:33

the great vessel Vanderkalk says , is always keeping

15:35

the score . And so I

15:38

can sit down next to my wife in a house

15:40

. That is a 30 year mortgage at 7.25%

15:43

APR , which is what it was earlier this

15:45

morning A

15:47

house that takes up 40 to 60%

15:50

of our monthly income . But we had

15:52

to have a house because we didn't want to rent anymore , because

15:54

somebody told us rents just throwin money away . And

15:56

we sit down on that house and I'm on my phone and

15:58

my wife's on her iPad and

16:00

our kid comes in and slams the door and

16:03

goes right into his room . I

16:06

can tell myself , no , look

16:08

, I'm sitting right by my wife . Things are great . My body

16:10

knows that I'm two inches from my

16:12

wife but I'm 2,000 miles away from her relationally

16:15

. I can tell myself , oh

16:17

, that's just teens or teens . My body

16:19

knows my kid's not all right and I don't have the

16:21

tools to bridge that gap . I

16:23

can say , well , it's just what we have to do to buy a house in this town

16:25

. My body knows , hey , dude , if you

16:27

get fired or if that

16:30

one sale doesn't come through , you

16:33

lose everything . You're home and

16:35

when you think of it like that , your body would

16:37

be failing you , doug , if

16:39

it let you sleep all night knowing that your house

16:41

could go away , that you and your wife are not

16:44

doing okay , that your kid is off

16:46

the off I mean out of the tribe , and

16:48

so when I tell people to choose

16:51

reality , that is just being

16:53

honest with yourself . That is a starting line for

16:55

living a non-anxious life . Which is what

16:58

are the state of things ? My finances

17:00

, my marriage , my business , my kids

17:02

, my friendships ? Where are

17:04

you for real ? And that can be a harrowing

17:07

set of questions for people .

17:09

Do you feel like most people just ignore ? You know , I think

17:11

about people who call you all on Ramsey . You

17:13

know you talk about that . Enough is enough calls and

17:15

you know usually people are calling you when

17:17

they've had enough . Why

17:20

do you think it takes a long for people to get there when it comes

17:22

to recognizing reality versus

17:25

, you know , dealing with it when you first , you

17:27

know , start to justify whatever decisions

17:29

that you're making , I mean , I think there's an old

17:31

trope , that's true Change is

17:33

hard , it's uncomfortable , it's

17:36

scary , and our bodies are

17:39

really geared towards this homeostasis

17:42

.

17:42

Right what it knows , and it will choose

17:44

the thing that it knows , even if it's dangerous . That's

17:46

why people who are in abusive relationships often go

17:48

to another abusive relationship . It's

17:50

what it knows , right . And

17:53

so the old saying people

17:55

don't change until the pain of

17:58

change is

18:00

less than the pain of staying the same . And

18:03

I think it takes somebody saying I'm not living

18:06

like this anymore , and I wish it

18:08

didn't have to be that way , because that's

18:10

my hope , societally , culturally

18:12

, for our country . I wish we could all say hey , we

18:14

can see where we're headed . Let's

18:17

let's just stop before we get

18:19

there , before we have to clean up a traffic

18:21

accident , let's just slow the car down .

18:24

Yeah , I think with a lot of people , when they start dealing with the reality

18:26

, it's often too late and a lot of times

18:28

, I think , as adults , it's things that you know , maybe

18:31

even be triggered from childhood . I'm a dad

18:33

of four under seven

18:36

and you know I think I should . Let's go

18:38

. How old are

18:40

your kids ? Again , 13 and seven ? Okay

18:43

, good gap . Oh yeah , but I got four under

18:45

seven and so , you know , last time we talked , I went

18:47

through a mental breakdown and you know the fall of 2020

18:49

, dark season . My life , I've had seasons of anxiety

18:51

. You know . My hope

18:53

is that my kids won't have to go through the

18:55

same thing . Do you have

18:58

any advice for parents , regardless

19:00

of how old their kids are ? How can we raise

19:02

kids to have non-anxious lives

19:04

and not have to deal with some of the junk that we've dealt with ?

19:07

I think that's such a great question and

19:09

I think it's easier and it's

19:11

simpler than we might imagine

19:13

and it's harder than we might imagine . Simpler

19:16

in the greatest gift we can give our kids

19:18

are in control

19:21

regulated parents . Because

19:23

kids get all of their emotional

19:26

reactivity , they absorb it from the adults

19:28

in their lives , and so when

19:30

they're surrounded by raged out

19:32

, scared , anxious , overly

19:35

combative parents who are

19:37

telling them the doctors are trying to kill you , your

19:39

school is trying to kill you , your

19:42

church I can't believe they're preaching that your

19:44

government's just trying to . Well

19:47

, you just destroyed a child's

19:49

world , you just pulled it

19:51

apart . And so there's

19:53

a difference between being afraid and

19:55

scared and nervous and

19:58

that powerful riddling anxiety

20:00

. And so the

20:02

challenge is A I'm going to give my kids

20:05

regulated parents

20:07

who don't rely on them for emotional

20:09

regulation . It's not my kids job to make sure I'm

20:11

okay . It's not my kids job

20:13

, whatever my son says . Oh

20:15

, dad , it's okay , like , okay . Here's a good

20:17

example . I got mad about something the other day

20:19

. I went to pick up my son and I've

20:21

never been through this

20:23

particular pickup line after

20:26

school at this particular time . I picked him up before

20:28

but , dude , it was like a war zone . I didn't know what was

20:30

going on , but everybody knew what they were doing

20:32

. I didn't . So at one

20:34

point I stuck my head down

20:37

and I texted my wife I'm

20:39

in line , whatever , am I in the right line

20:41

? And my window was down and

20:43

all of a sudden this coach starts

20:46

screaming at me and

20:48

a dog . I

20:50

don't know what happened , but I haven't

20:52

felt like this since I was at

20:54

an old punk show , like in my early 20s

20:57

. It

21:00

was straight up go time . In the parking lot . I

21:03

was like I stuck my head out and I go , do we have a problem

21:05

? And he looked at me and I said

21:07

I'm not doing this on purpose . I've never

21:09

done this . I'm trying my best and

21:12

he goes . And he got quiet and he goes . Man

21:14

, just pull up here , right when he said that , like

21:18

a security guard at the school

21:20

goes . Oh , I guess we're

21:22

just parking wherever we want to . I

21:24

guess we're just . And , dude , I

21:26

lost it . I was in

21:28

my car and my son got in and

21:31

, dude , I said some things I wasn't proud of in that car

21:33

because my son was like dad , what's wrong ? And

21:35

I pointed at the guy and he didn't hear . Anyway

21:38

, we got to the edge of the parking lot

21:40

and I pulled my car over and I looked at my son and

21:42

said , hey , that was completely responsible of

21:44

me , has nothing to do with you , has nothing to do

21:46

with them . I was trying my best and

21:48

I was exhausted and I didn't know what I was going and

21:50

and and this is on me . And

21:53

he said and I said I'm sorry that I just used that word in

21:55

front of you . And he said oh

21:57

, dad , it's okay , it's okay , it's okay . And

21:59

here's the deal he was he

22:02

had taken it upon himself to make me feel better and

22:04

that's not his job . He's 13 . And

22:07

so I said hey , hey , it's not

22:10

okay , it's not your job to make me feel better . I

22:12

screwed up , should not have talked to that man that way

22:14

. He probably deals with a bunch of morons

22:17

on their phones in these lines all day long . I

22:19

get that he's frustrated and I'm glad he's trying to make

22:21

a joke out of it instead of him coming over and

22:24

trying to taze me yourself . And I

22:26

need to be more in control and I swear in front of my

22:28

13 year old son that's

22:30

on me and he just goes thanks , dad , right . So

22:32

I think a kids

22:35

need that regulated adults and

22:37

if you get dysregulated , we all do immediately

22:40

stop and take full , 100% ownership of that . The

22:43

second thing they need and this is the other side

22:45

of the teeter totter they need to do hard things and they

22:47

need to learn how to fail . They

22:51

need to learn how to stub their toe and

22:53

they need to know you're next to them and that they

22:56

can learn to pick themselves back up . With you sitting right

22:58

there . We have a generation of kids

23:00

that , like you and me , we didn't want our

23:02

kids to feel like this and we end up clearing

23:04

the deck so much so

23:07

they have less and less and less and less struggle

23:09

. Oh , a kid was mean to you on the bus . I'm getting

23:11

on that bus , I'll deal with this and they got

23:13

to learn how to do that , and there's a fine line between

23:15

that and bullying . What we've done

23:17

inadvertently is we go into the gym , we've taken all

23:20

the weight off the bar for our kids because

23:22

we don't want them to get stuck under that bar like we

23:24

did , and in the process we rob

23:26

our kids the ability to get strong , and

23:28

so I think it's a balance . But we have to give our kids

23:31

the ability to do hard things

23:33

and fail . My daughter's taken a piano

23:35

. They had the holiday recitals

23:37

, but it was optional . She came home

23:40

and gave a really

23:42

like a very

23:44

articulate rundown

23:46

as to why she did not believe she needed to

23:48

do the recital , and my

23:50

wife and I both looked at each other and were like you're for sure

23:52

, doing that recital , you have to get up in front

23:55

of the people and it's going to be hard and it was miserable

23:57

and she didn't want to do it . She was trying to self sabotage

23:59

. It was amazing and she got up and she crushed

24:01

it and then she sprinted . And anyway

24:03

, I'm so glad I didn't take that

24:05

painful , scary experience from

24:07

her , because now she knows she can do it Right

24:10

. And also I didn't

24:12

leave . I didn't say shut up , you don't need

24:14

a thing to worry about . No , it's scary for her , for

24:16

my son it's not scary , for her it is . And

24:18

so my job wasn't to wipe

24:21

the deck either .

24:22

Man , that's so good . Thank you for sharing . It's funny , man

24:24

. I almost had the exact same experience

24:27

, although I wouldn't say my reaction was fighting . So first

24:29

time I was ever at my daughter's elementary school , pulled

24:32

into that line , I had no idea it was out

24:34

of parking , I thought I could just park there . So

24:36

I park in what was the bus line ? Go

24:38

inside , man , I'm eating Thanksgiving lunch

24:40

with my daughter and literally the security

24:43

guard of the school starts screaming my name

24:45

like not knowing where I was . And

24:47

, man , it's for me . With my background

24:50

, I literally reverted back to like middle school

24:52

, doug , when I got called to the office all the time and

24:54

literally like tucked my tail in between my legs

24:56

and I was like , oh my gosh , just so

24:58

funny man , anyway . So thank you

25:00

for sharing that . Just because I have you here , you

25:03

know you're , you're in the middle of parenting

25:05

, you're in the thick of it . Is anything else working

25:07

for you and your wife when it comes to raising your kids

25:09

that you would share ? Maybe practical ideas

25:11

or thoughts ?

25:13

Yeah , a couple of things . Number one is

25:15

I know , especially with my

25:18

teenage son , that ended with my daughter

25:20

, but my teenage son

25:22

life is getting

25:24

harder and it's going to progressively get harder . And

25:26

I've I've told him since he was young you have

25:29

weird parents so he doesn't have a phone yet he

25:31

has , especially doesn't have social media or anything . That

25:34

means he's the only one and

25:36

that also means that he

25:38

misses out on a lot and it breaks my heart

25:40

and we'll figure out the phone

25:42

thing . We'll have a bunch of archaic , I mean like

25:44

draconian rules to it and all that . But

25:47

I , unfortunately for him and I've told him this

25:49

, I've just done too many investigations in

25:51

my student conduct role where kids

25:53

lives are ruined because of the stupid device , and

25:56

I just read all the studies

25:58

about social media . I'm not going to do that to you . And

26:00

also , I had a phone

26:02

when I was , so I know that . So

26:05

here's what we did . I

26:08

meet with them for breakfast once a week and

26:11

we never miss every Tuesday

26:13

. We went this morning it's a Monday recording this , but every

26:15

Tuesday we meet at Waffle House and

26:17

it's off . I'm super Annoying

26:20

about what I eat and yet that's

26:23

where he picks out . Here we go , man , and

26:26

I remember asking it . Well , I was like

26:28

guys , can you please have a fruit

26:30

or a vegetable in here ? And they were like , but

26:34

? But here's the thing . Probably

26:36

seven out of the ten times we laugh

26:38

we talk about just random things

26:41

music , hunting , things were

26:43

into three out of ten

26:45

. He's like hey , dad , and he asked me something

26:47

heavy and or

26:50

asked my opinion on something , or do I think about something

26:52

? About politics or the economy

26:54

, or a girl ? He's interested in something , but

26:56

what ? Here's what I'm doing . I'm laying the groundwork

26:58

because I know when he's 17 , those things are gonna

27:00

get big . Hmm , and I can't drop

27:02

in when he's 17 or 18 and be like alright , let's

27:04

talk deeply about college . That's

27:06

too late , man . He's got his information from other

27:09

students and so I started

27:11

when he was in sixth grade , doing it every

27:13

week and , dude , it's exhausting , it's

27:15

expensive , it's not good

27:17

for my digestive system and probably metabolic health

27:19

. But I'm playing along . I'm not playing a game

27:22

, but I'm investing in him long term with

27:24

my daughter . She's in second grade . We started doing it

27:26

once a month . Every week's too much , but once

27:28

a month we're starting . Here's the second thing with

27:30

my daughter . My son and daughter are very different

27:32

. And my daughter

27:35

, early on , I took everything personally because

27:37

my son was a hugger . That's how he made himself

27:40

feel safe was by hugging my daughter's

27:42

way she makes her feel safe is by withdrawing , and

27:44

so I took her withdrawal personally . I Needed

27:47

to be the adult . She does not have permission

27:50

to hurt my feelings . And when I adopted

27:52

that position kind of lover and

27:54

I can I mean we get it , but she

27:56

can't say anything . That

27:58

makes me lose my cool . She doesn't have that kind of

28:00

power over my life . She can't say

28:02

anything that just devastation . Dude , she's

28:05

Seven . I'm not

28:07

giving her that kind of power . Yeah , and by

28:09

hanging it , showing up , and showing up , and showing up , I'll

28:11

tell every parent who's got young kids it was

28:13

a rough couple of years , years

28:16

. Hey , can I do bedtime ? Can I

28:18

read your story ? No , dad , I don't want you in here . Hey

28:23

, you want to come with me to the ? No , dad , I Went

28:26

in counts , I had to go to counseling , had to deal with my

28:28

own childhood stuff so that I could

28:30

show up without a turbo charge

28:32

, anxiety , you know , nuclear

28:34

reactor in my chest . And Now

28:37

, dude , that girl is almost eight . I

28:39

can't keep her off of me . She's coming all

28:41

over me all the time . She always wants to go with me

28:43

. So I'll just tell you keep showing up

28:45

and keep showing up , and keep showing up and keep showing

28:48

up . All your kids are gonna be different , so

28:50

those two things invest in them on a regular

28:52

basis . Let them don't do lip service . Let

28:54

them feel that they are

28:56

a priority in your life . I'll

28:59

say three things . To don't let them think

29:01

the world revolves around them . My kid doesn't

29:03

get a vote on where we live or like

29:06

what vacation we're going on . He can't handle that weight . He's

29:08

13 . That's an adult decision . And

29:10

the third thing is don't let them

29:13

, don't give them permission to hurt

29:15

your feelings . It's your job to deal

29:17

with your drama .

29:19

Yeah , and all this ? We're talking about how to build a

29:21

non anxious life your book . Take it

29:23

back . Talk to me

29:25

more about the technology thing . I I'm

29:27

curious , you know , do you plan on keeping

29:29

that boundary in place till 18 ? I remember interviewing

29:32

John Mark Comer and he I

29:34

think he's 18 and then no social media till

29:36

college . He said his parents were very strict

29:38

with him and he hated them for it . But he's , he

29:40

is extremely grateful now . And

29:43

you know , depressions at all time high , suicides

29:45

are all time high , and I think so much this has to do with our

29:47

devices . Can you just talk more about

29:49

that , that boundary , and maybe how you guys

29:51

are processing that ?

29:53

Yeah , there's . I cannot

29:55

see a world where I Let

29:58

either of my kids have access to social media

30:00

before they leave my house . And when

30:02

they leave my house they're gonna have to make some grown-up decisions

30:04

. The the

30:06

data is in and it's so clear

30:08

it's . It's disturbing that we're not

30:11

rallying around it . It's just Absolutely

30:14

poison to children . Social

30:16

media is period . End of story Conversations

30:19

closed . Now the other side

30:21

of it is I did have a home phone when

30:23

I was a kid . I would grow up before so for

30:25

cell phones . I did have a home phone and I was

30:27

able to talk to my friends . I was able

30:30

to talk to a girl on the phone , right , I was able

30:32

to talk to my buddies and make plans . And so

30:34

I have to live in the 21st century

30:37

where they we don't have home phones . I haven't had a home

30:39

phone since 20 , like 2003

30:41

or something like that . Um , and

30:44

Like my son missed birthday

30:46

parties because a parent sent out

30:48

a text to everybody , or kids sent

30:50

out a text to everybody . He's missed after

30:53

. Like he's in cross-country , he's missed

30:55

things after meets because that's how

30:57

they communicate , and so I

30:59

can't be so ridiculous that I don't let him

31:01

communicate with other people . That's just cruel

31:03

and unfair . So we

31:06

will probably end up getting him , as

31:08

a teenager , in eighth grade , a phone that

31:10

stays in the house , that he can't have in his room , that

31:12

he knows I'll read every text , that I'll have some

31:14

apps that give me everything , so that

31:16

will not have the . I'll delete all the internet

31:19

off of it and all that kind of stuff . As

31:22

for my daughter , god , no , dude

31:24

, she's seven . Yeah , she's seven . Like

31:27

it's , it's madhouse . I

31:29

do show her hilarious things on YouTube

31:31

sometimes and my son and I

31:33

I want him to know hey , if you want to know how to fix something , it's

31:35

on YouTube . But

31:38

, dude , I'm

31:42

brought back to early on . It's probably 2011

31:46

, 2012 . I was part of a task

31:48

force with the university and one of our people

31:51

who gave us a lot of data was on the board at Apple

31:53

and Google some of these big tech companies . These things were

31:55

just launching out all over the place , and

31:58

I remember there's a bunch of educational initiatives

32:01

and I believe it was Apple , but it may be Google

32:03

, but I think it was Apple . And I remember a

32:06

conversation about hey , why are all these executives

32:08

going to these Montessori schools and these schools that have no technology

32:11

? Yet you are selling all

32:13

these technology initiatives and it's haunting

32:15

. But there was a response by one

32:17

of the execs of one of these tech companies that said I

32:21

don't let my kid near these devices . This

32:23

is not about learning . Learning is a

32:25

great teacher and a student

32:28

and a whiteboard , and I'll never

32:30

forget that that there was . This sense

32:32

of teaching is as much

32:34

a relationship as it is a transfer of

32:36

information back and forth . And

32:39

when we make it transactional and hand a kid a device

32:41

that is serving somebody else's

32:43

needs pedagogically , period

32:45

, end of story . And

32:47

so AI is going to change a lot of stuff . I know

32:50

that , but I'm just constantly

32:52

pulling my

32:54

family back , not my family back , my wife's in with it too

32:57

. But we're constantly saying what's the best thing for

32:59

our kid ? Not how do we make our kid cool

33:01

or how do we make our kid fit in . I could give

33:03

a crap about those . What

33:05

is best for my kid right now ? And sometimes

33:07

it is for me getting over myself . My

33:10

kid's got to be able to text his friends and

33:13

it's also dude . You're not getting social

33:15

media . I don't care how uncool that makes you . I'm not

33:17

going to hand you a cigarette and a loaded

33:19

weapon and say make good choices , you're

33:22

a freaking team . I would be a terrible human

33:24

if I did that .

33:25

So good . Thanks for sharing . The other thing you talked about in

33:27

raising non-anxious kids is correct

33:30

me if I have this wrong , but in control regulated parents

33:33

. You told me you wanted to write a book

33:35

on I think you said adult marriage . Man

33:37

, what can we do in our marriages when it comes

33:39

to raising non-anxious kids , Like

33:42

, how can we get ourselves under control so our kids

33:44

aren't in unhealthy homes ?

33:45

Man . That's the number one question I

33:47

get from parents and the number

33:49

one answer I give . They don't like it and they

33:51

say , hey , how do

33:53

I help my kid be less anxious ? The first thing

33:55

I say is the first place I want you to look

33:58

is I want you to go fix your marriage , go heal your marriage

34:00

. And

34:02

the second thing is

34:04

stop introducing your child to adult

34:06

problems . And if somebody

34:08

can answer those two things , awesome

34:11

. Then we'll move on to what's wrong with

34:13

some chemistry issues . Is there issues in the classroom

34:15

? Is there issues with a teacher relationship

34:17

or is there bullying going on ? Let's go

34:20

to those rabbit holes . But one and two

34:22

almost always begins

34:24

with the energy

34:27

source of a home , which is a

34:31

marriage the two adults in

34:33

the house . I know that's

34:35

hard if there's only one parent in the house , which

34:37

there's in millions and millions and millions , that's harsh

34:39

and the data is clear

34:41

. It's challenging

34:43

, it's not as advantageous

34:46

and we can

34:48

bury our heads when it comes to that data or

34:50

we can get in trouble for saying that out loud . I

34:52

think it's more honest to say it's very hard to do that , very

34:54

, very hard . Is it impossible ? No

34:56

, very challenging . But

34:59

again , let's double down on those relationships

35:01

with our kids , not giving them everything

35:03

they want , not being their best friend

35:06

, not being their cheerleader , but being

35:08

the regulated

35:10

adult presence in their house . So I often

35:12

tell people , if you say

35:15

the words , hey , don't say that your dad's going

35:17

to get really mad . Or do

35:19

you remember what happened last time mom got really pissed

35:21

off about ? When you do that to your

35:23

kids , they understand

35:25

in their bones . Oh , it's my job

35:28

to make sure dad doesn't get mad . It's

35:30

my job to make sure mom doesn't quote unquote

35:33

feel crazy . Whatever dad said . A

35:36

kid cannot carry that weight

35:38

period . And so

35:40

mom and dad has to say , not

35:43

, you made me mad , because the kids can't

35:45

. I chose to act like this

35:47

, the same as I told my son I

35:49

didn't say that guy made me mad over there . I

35:52

said that guy said a thing and I overreacted

35:54

because that school

35:57

security guard doesn't have access to my soul

35:59

. I just gave it to him . What a

36:01

nook . That's on me , that's not on him . He can do whatever

36:03

he wants and I need to

36:06

be detached enough to say , all right , I'm just going

36:08

to go . So kids cannot carry the weight

36:10

. The other thing with kids is they've got to

36:12

have in person communication . They've

36:14

got to have less screen time . They've got to have

36:16

some successes and be given

36:19

opportunities to do hard things and fail at them . They've got

36:21

to be a part of teams . They've got

36:23

to do all these things that we know innately

36:25

but man . They've got to have plugged in relationships

36:28

with stable , regulated adults period

36:30

.

36:31

Yeah , this could be an assumption about us , though I

36:33

would love to hear you just talk about anger . So I think

36:35

about my parenting . I'm super , super

36:37

impatient and so raising my voice is very

36:39

, very easy for me to do . I

36:42

don't get super angry . But yeah , I'm just curious you know

36:44

, as a parent , any

36:46

advice for you , know , or thoughts or

36:48

pushback or challenge around raising our voices

36:50

in anger ? You know , obviously

36:53

no abuse or anything like that , but I'm just curious

36:55

what does anger do in a household and how can we kind

36:57

of tame that in the moments where

36:59

our children are frustrating us ?

37:01

Yeah , I man

37:04

. This is people don't like my answer

37:06

on this and this is also the pot talking

37:08

to Kettle here . Number one , end

37:11

of story Don't raise your voice around your kids . There's no reason

37:13

to do that . That's me reverting back

37:15

to a five year old who did not have control

37:17

of his life because he had parents making him do this

37:20

and teachers and coaches make him do that . My

37:22

kids don't get that . So don't raise your voice around your

37:24

kids . Now that doesn't mean like if you hang

37:26

out with me and my kids , we're all raising our voice

37:28

but we're laughing and clowning and being

37:30

goofy and pointing finger

37:32

. I mean like , like jiving

37:35

at each other . So that's not what I'm talking about . Out

37:37

of anger , just make it a point

37:40

to not raise your voice and people are like how do I do that ? Stop

37:42

, you can do that . The

37:44

second thing is I don't want to conflate yelling with being

37:46

angry , like . I think

37:48

anger as the great rage against the machine

37:50

said , anger is in many ways a gift . It

37:53

points you towards something that should be

37:55

a different way . It points you towards

37:57

something you care about . That's

37:59

not a bad thing . I think it's important

38:01

for our kids to see us angry . It's

38:04

very important for them to feel anger

38:06

and then to watch adults in

38:08

their life respond in productive

38:11

ways . So if they

38:13

see us angry at a football

38:16

, at a college football game , when the coach

38:18

makes the wrong call and a bunch

38:21

of teenagers don't perform

38:23

right and we get angry , our

38:25

kids are going

38:29

. They're not going to know what's real because

38:31

they're teenagers . Right , if our

38:34

kid sees somebody cut us off in traffic

38:36

, it's okay to get angry

38:38

. It's not okay to flip them off and act

38:40

like a child . It's okay when somebody

38:43

threatens your safety with how they're driving

38:45

or with their , how they're in your face

38:47

or they , you know , are hurting

38:49

another child . My son has seen me step

38:51

in on a situation one time . My

38:54

son has seen my daughter has seen me get involved

38:56

in some things and not in a way that if something happens to

38:58

me suddenly I've put my daughter in , but my

39:01

daughter has felt it . My son has felt

39:03

anger . And then they get a chance to see me respond

39:05

appropriately . I don't want them walking through life thinking

39:08

, if they get angry , something wrong with them

39:10

. So I want them to experience

39:12

it and I want them to see me respond

39:15

appropriately . And sometimes that is hey

39:18

son , hey daughter , my

39:20

body's getting over-regulated

39:22

. My feelings are really

39:25

heavy and on fire right now . I'm going to

39:27

take a break . I'll be back in five

39:29

minutes and that might mean going to walk around

39:31

the house . You know what the kids learn ? My dad takes a walk

39:33

around the neighborhood before he comes and talks to us . Awesome

39:36

, if our kids can put that in their back pocket

39:38

when a kid goes . Hey , I'm fighting

39:41

you and they goes , I'm

39:44

going to go take a walk for a minute Like

39:46

man . Then we've got a much better world .

39:49

Yeah , anything else . Just while we're on the subject of parenting

39:51

or marriage , anything on your heart to share ?

39:56

Can I give you the last thing Give it . This has been a revelation

39:58

in the last 18 months for me and

40:01

this comes from my wife and the great

40:04

Gabor Mate , dr Mate , be

40:08

somebody that

40:10

your kids would like being around . Here's

40:13

what I mean . By that . I don't mean I

40:16

can be softy , not hold people accountable , and

40:18

all that . I really loved

40:20

being around my high school football coaches and

40:22

dude , they were really

40:24

, really hard on me . They

40:26

demanded excellence . They demanded

40:29

things that at the time I did not believe I was capable

40:31

of doing . They screamed , they yelled

40:33

. That wasn't the thing , but

40:35

they also were hilarious and they

40:37

told jokes and they called me in like , hey

40:39

, you want to prank this guy over here ? So when I say be

40:41

someone likable , I found myself every time

40:43

my kids walked in the room hey , tuck your shirt in

40:45

. Your shirt's on backwards . Have you fixed your hair ? Why are you wearing

40:48

that ? Oh my gosh , will you just walk quieter ? Push

40:50

that table . Who wants

40:52

to be around that person ? Forget the father

40:54

, daughter , father , some relationship . I don't want to

40:56

be in the presence of somebody who's critical

40:58

of every single thing I do , and

41:00

so I had to talk with my son . Hey , look , I'm

41:03

never going to mention to you that your shirt's on backwards

41:05

again .

41:06

I'm going to let social Darwinism heal you .

41:09

Your friends will let you know and

41:11

from this point forward I'm just , if that's

41:13

the way you want to leave my house , unless it's to

41:15

a funeral or somewhere , knock it like

41:17

that . And unfortunately

41:19

his friends don't seem to carry their money

41:22

. Somebody will somebody , but here's

41:24

the deal I'm

41:26

still holding him accountable . We still have a set of priorities

41:28

and a set of values that we hold

41:31

firm in our home , really firm . I'm

41:33

a pretty strict parent but also

41:36

dude hike man . We

41:38

laugh and I want

41:40

the first thing my son . He walks in the room , we

41:42

hug . That's just what we do now . My daughter walks

41:44

in the room , we do this weird flip thing , but

41:46

we're hugging . Basically , I want

41:48

them , our relationship , to be one

41:51

of joy and relationship

41:53

and interaction and hilarity

41:55

. Last night at a restaurant , much

41:57

to my wife's chagrin , my daughter made a face and I

41:59

was like it looks like you're constipated

42:01

and she goes no , that's this . And she did it . And

42:04

then my son did it and I was doing it and

42:06

my wife just had her hand in her face

42:08

. But they're going to tell that story

42:10

at my funeral , like , remember how , at the Mexican food

42:12

restaurant , we used to pretend we were constipated and

42:14

there was people around us who were like , I've

42:17

got that guy's book , but

42:20

hey , that's how we roll . So be silly

42:23

, be fun , be somebody that your kids want

42:25

to be around . So when you need to say

42:27

, hey , you've got to stop doing that , you're going to get hurt

42:29

, then they can actually hear you

42:31

and you're not just a gong

42:33

in their life . All right , I'll get off my

42:35

parenting soapbox , that's it .

42:37

That's good . One other area I want to dive into and again

42:39

can go back to building a non-anxious life but health

42:42

. I heard you mentioned you're super strict with what you eat

42:44

. I'm curious is that just a getting

42:46

shape thing , or has that been part of your journey

42:48

that's really helped you , Because I think a lot of times

42:50

our health and fitness has a lot to do with healing

42:53

anxiety , but people don't realize that . What have you learned

42:55

in that space ?

42:56

Yeah , I'm still navigating some

42:58

of that . I recently had a conversation with

43:00

a Harvard psychiatrist about the interaction

43:02

in the gut by home with anxiety and some of the food

43:04

, and so I 100% believe

43:06

there's some interactivity there . I have struggled

43:09

with body image issues my whole life . I've

43:11

struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life with

43:14

I can always get a little more ripped

43:16

, a little more in shape , a little more . This I

43:20

don't look right . My

43:22

wife has gotten onto me for 25

43:24

years , as long as she's known , because I always wear a shirt in

43:26

the pool and then I'm doing something around the house

43:28

without a shirt on . She's like my god , dude , take your

43:31

shirt off out in public . But

43:33

it's just this innate struggle which

43:35

has been anxiousness If somebody

43:37

sees me , they're going to think

43:39

I'm less than they're not going to think I'm enough

43:41

. And so that

43:44

comes back from a personal conversation I had with

43:46

Sal , the Steffano of the Mind Pump guys we talked about

43:48

earlier , which

43:50

was this this is just a personal

43:53

conversation and he's done personal training for

43:55

decades and he's like bro , you

43:57

can't hate your body into better

43:59

shape If

44:01

you're not eating a piece of cake because you

44:03

think you look like a piece of crap if

44:05

you're going to the gym because you think you're disgusting

44:08

and you want to be less disgusting . That

44:10

will always fail long term always

44:12

. If you

44:14

don't eat that piece of cake or , by the way , it's your

44:16

daughter's birthday frickin' have the piece of cake

44:18

. What are you kidding me ? Have the cake . Or

44:21

if you're really onto a plan , have

44:23

half of it and let her see you laugh and smile

44:25

and make sure you get some icing on your face . Do

44:29

that because you

44:31

love yourself enough that you know I'm

44:33

going to feel my best tonight when I sleep . I'm going

44:35

to feel my best in the morning when I wake up . If

44:37

I only have half a piece of cake . I'm going to

44:39

go to the gym because I love my wife and my kids

44:42

and my office and the people that I wake up and

44:44

serve in my community so much . I love myself

44:46

so much that I want

44:48

to give them my first fruits and I can only

44:50

do that . If I've exercised for an hour today , you'll

44:54

do that . You'll show up to the gym forever

44:56

. And so , when

44:59

it comes to healing and health , I

45:01

ain't going to the doctor . I'm fixing this . I'm getting on

45:03

YouTube and finding some dude in a trunk of his car

45:05

with essential oils . Like I can fix cancer

45:07

with what Dude ? I'm

45:10

going to honor myself and my kids

45:12

and my wife . Enough to feel good and

45:14

men are the worst at this and

45:16

I haven't felt good for a couple of weeks . I've

45:19

had trouble with not me

45:21

personally , I'm just being every man here . I've had trouble

45:23

with erectile dysfunction . I've had trouble

45:26

with my guts . I haven't

45:28

gone to the bathroom in a while . I've had headaches

45:30

. My neck has hurt . I ain't going to the bathroom

45:32

. You know who wears that Our families . Stop

45:35

, our clients . Stop Go to

45:37

the doctor , dude . Love yourself enough to

45:39

show up for the people that you've

45:42

committed to , and so a lot

45:44

of that is health and healing has become

45:46

a gift I give to myself

45:48

. Not a way I punish myself for being gross

45:51

, and Dr Norton Lane's helped me a lot with

45:53

that too . Love yourself enough

45:55

to take care of yourself , and when you begin to love yourself

45:57

enough , that is a posture that

45:59

takes your eyes out of your belly button . Oh

46:01

, whoa , it was me . Whoa , it was me . It helps you

46:03

look up and say I'm

46:06

exercising now for the grandkids

46:08

I don't have yet , because I want to be

46:10

able to roll around with my grandkids when I'm 80

46:12

. And when they're like , grandpa

46:14

, let's go to the zoo . They'll have aliens

46:16

in it or whatever , but I'm like let's go to the zoo , I

46:19

want to be able to walk around the zoo . I don't want to

46:21

have to say , hey , I can't do that . Let me hand

46:23

you a device . Let's play a game on an iPad

46:25

, and so those things fuel

46:27

my workouts . Now , and dude

46:29

, I want to be the rip

46:32

this 45-year-old you've ever seen , I get that

46:34

and it's going to happen . It's not

46:36

going to happen . Because I also really love

46:38

Chick-fil-A and I really really love

46:40

gummy candies . But

46:42

, dude , I am playing

46:45

a longer game now , if that makes sense

46:47

.

46:47

Yeah , this triggered a thought when

46:49

you were talking about your body . I'm curious your view

46:51

, especially on alcohol and

46:54

even just marijuana , I guess because

46:56

I feel like so many people are like oh , I use marijuana every

46:58

night to help me cope with my anxiety . Anyway

47:02

, I'll just leave this really , really open-ended . I'm sure there's

47:04

lots of controversy around both , but where do you stand

47:06

when ?

47:07

it comes to that and building a non-anxious life . I'm not going to

47:09

tell somebody what to do , I'm just going to answer what I've done in my

47:11

own life . Yeah , I had

47:13

once one or two drinks a day because

47:15

I read that research . One time Come and find

47:17

out . It's pretty much shenanigans . But I had one or

47:20

two drinks a day because I was quote unquote . Good for me . And

47:23

here's the thing about alcohol it works

47:25

. It made my day suck

47:27

a little less . It brought me down at the end

47:29

of the day . I run really hard . I'm always

47:31

just all the time at work at home

47:33

. All the time it does bring me down and

47:35

it did make me sleepy . It

47:39

really changed when I started tracking my sleep

47:41

with some of these wearable devices . I've got a garment

47:43

now . I've got no financial relationship to them , but

47:45

it's been pretty remarkable . Every

47:49

night I had a sleep , I had a drink

47:52

, my sleep quality

47:54

was in the toilet . It was terrible

47:56

and if I had a second one it

47:58

was brutal . And then

48:01

Matthew Walker's book

48:03

why we Sleep came out . I think everyone

48:05

should read that book and if you don't want to read that book , he's

48:07

got a three-part podcast series with

48:09

the great Dr Peter Atia , I think you

48:11

should listen to all six hours of that

48:14

. It's a master class , but they're

48:16

able to pin back . People

48:18

thought that they got , they were

48:20

anxious , they had anxiety and so they

48:22

quit sleeping , or they had PTSD and

48:25

so they quit sleeping . Come to find out its reverse

48:28

People stop sleeping

48:30

and that lack of sleep begins to spin

48:32

up all sorts of mechanisms that your body tries

48:34

to prop you up with . One of those is being

48:37

hypervigilant , that's anxiety

48:39

, or it shuts the system down

48:41

, that's depression . So getting

48:43

great sleep . So I started experimenting with

48:45

not drinking and now I

48:47

probably have a drink every two months . Wow

48:50

, and I know going into

48:52

it . Kind of like , my son and I went on

48:54

a hunting trip yesterday , just the two of us , in the middle

48:56

of the woods , and we had a pretty wild

48:58

adventure . And so

49:00

I said hey , dude , I'm pulling into this gas

49:02

station , I'm getting us some trash , and he goes

49:04

all right . And I

49:07

got a bag of like fruit snacks and gummy

49:09

fruit snacks and he

49:11

got like some twinkies . I mean we just I mean I intentionally

49:13

got off the wagon and rolled around in the mud and

49:16

so I do that , and I know it's

49:18

going to come at a cost and that's fine

49:20

, that's okay . It's like people who are like I

49:22

could , who are millionaires dude , go

49:25

to Vegas and you have enough money

49:27

to sit at a blackjack table and have some fun Because

49:29

you have enough money to lose it . I did that yesterday . I

49:31

pay so close attention most of the time that

49:33

I can get off the rails a little bit . That's okay so

49:36

, but now I

49:38

do . I just I almost completely avoid alcohol

49:40

simply because of my sleep , and then

49:42

my fitness has just improved significantly

49:44

. I think the jury is still very much

49:46

out of marijuana . I think it's very similar to

49:49

it works when it comes

49:51

to helping

49:53

people feel less anxious . It just does . And

49:56

, by the way , some of it , some

49:58

of the super potent stuff , makes people

50:00

way more anxious and paranoid , but

50:03

it does work , and I think

50:05

the data is starting to roll out that it has a delirious

50:08

effect on sleep also . So

50:10

it makes you sleepy and makes you fall asleep , but

50:12

it doesn't give your body that deep , restorative

50:14

sleep that you need . All that

50:16

to say is this I want every single

50:19

person listening both

50:21

like . Sleep

50:24

is a core human function that

50:26

should have evolved out of us millions

50:28

of years ago . The idea and this is

50:31

from Dr Walker that our bodies would stop

50:33

, be completely defenseless

50:35

, not mate , not

50:38

get food , just

50:41

curl up in a defenseless position

50:43

for one third of the day , like

50:45

evolutionarily . That's insane , it

50:47

doesn't make any sense . Which tells us it's

50:50

very , very important , and

50:52

so anytime you have

50:54

to do a thing to enter into

50:57

a core biological function , I

50:59

want you to go look at the stages

51:02

of the non-anxious life , because your body's keeping

51:04

you up for a reason , and I

51:06

think that reason is because it's detected . You're

51:08

not safe and I want to address that

51:11

issue . Not try to drink

51:13

to fall asleep or smoke to try to fall asleep

51:15

.

51:17

Well , the book is Building a Non-Anxious

51:19

Life by Dr John Deloni . This has been a great conversation . We've

51:22

gone all over the place , which has been a lot of fun . Anything else you want to leave

51:24

leaders with today as we close out

51:26

?

51:27

If you're anxious , ask

51:29

yourself the question what if my anxiety

51:32

is right ? What if it's telling me the truth ? What

51:34

would that mean about my business , my marriage

51:36

, my relationship with my kids ? How

51:39

leveraged in debt I am , how

51:42

safe my world is ? Ask

51:44

yourself that question , because I think you'll find your anxiety

51:46

answers there .

51:48

Beautiful . Thank you , john , for the conversation . Thanks for

51:50

all you do for people . Keep getting your stuff out there . It matters

51:52

and it's making a difference . Thank you , brother .

51:54

You're awesome man . You too Appreciate it , brother .

51:56

Well , leader , thank you so much for listening to my conversation

51:58

with Dr John Deloni . I hope that you enjoyed it

52:00

as much as I did . You can find ways to

52:02

connect with him in links to everything that we discussed

52:04

in the show notes at l3leadershiporg

52:07

. And , as

52:09

always , I'll like to end every episode with a quote , and today

52:11

I'll quote Tony Robbins , who said this . He

52:13

said if you want to be successful , find someone

52:16

who has achieved the results you want and copy

52:18

what they do and you'll achieve the same

52:20

results . So so good . Well , leader

52:22

, I hope you enjoyed this episode . Know that my wife

52:24

Laura and I love you . We believe in you and I say it

52:26

every episode . But don't quit , keep bleeding

52:29

. The world desperately needs your

52:31

leadership . We'll talk to you next episode .