0:00

Sunday, February 11th. We

0:03

can't wait for the biggest game of

0:05

the year. Super Bowl 58 on

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CBS. Two legendary franchises square

0:10

off when the unstoppable 49ers

0:12

take on the Chiefs who

0:14

have their sights set on

0:17

back-to-back championships. Looking for himself

0:19

and he's got it! Live

0:21

coverage at 11.30am Eastern, Super

0:23

Bowl 58. February

0:25

11th on CBS and streaming

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on Paramount+. If

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you're looking for a podcast adventure, check

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hilarious podcasts can be found. It's like

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Lord of the Rings if everyone was

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an idiot. Welcome

1:05

one and all to The Late Show. I'm

1:08

your host Stephen Colbert. Ladies and

1:10

gentlemen, folks, they

1:14

say history repeats itself. Well, you can say

1:17

that again, because we're nine months out from

1:19

the presidential election. Like we're watching a rerun

1:21

of 2020. Chiefs

1:24

playing the 49ers in the Super Bowl. Unless

1:27

something crazy happens, it's Trump v.

1:29

Biden. And Trump has been

1:32

leading on a lot of polls, but today in

1:34

her new Quinnipiac poll, Biden has

1:36

leapt out to lead Trump 50 to

1:38

44. Thank

1:45

God. Thank

1:48

God. Thank

1:50

God some good news and otherwise depressing

1:53

reality. This is like finding some punch

1:55

in a turd bowl. I

1:59

don't know. I don't know just how Joe did

2:01

it, but political analysts think

2:03

it may be his strategy of

2:05

standing still while his opponent

2:07

repeatedly quotes Hitler. Okay.

2:12

Now, no surprise. The credit

2:15

really goes to women voters. Biden

2:17

leads among women

2:20

by a margin of 58 to 36%. That's

2:24

right. Hey,

2:27

ladies. Hello, ladies.

2:31

That's right. The

2:33

ladies love Cool Joe. They

2:36

love my store-bought smile. They love the shades. They

2:38

love that thing where I'm the last one standing

2:40

between them and the Supreme Court putting a GoPro

2:42

in their uterus. They love it. Watch

2:45

those babies flunk out of there. I'm serious,

2:47

folks. Biden has

2:49

also been rubbing shoulders with celebs

2:52

recently. He hosted Captain America, Chris

2:54

Evans, at the White House and

2:56

gave him a pair of his

2:58

trademark aviators. That's

3:01

a good look. See, look, I'm

3:03

actually a little surprised to see those two together,

3:05

because as we all remember from the end of

3:07

Avengers, Joe Biden is old

3:10

Captain America. Oh.

3:14

Don't think I will. All right, right,

3:16

right. There is something else. There

3:18

is someone else out there running for president,

3:21

former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley,

3:23

seen here answering the question, who's

3:25

not gonna be president? Yes.

3:30

Yesterday... Yesterday, Governor

3:32

Haley made a stop at the very

3:34

popular radio show The Breakfast Club to

3:37

talk to our good friend Charlamagne Vagueade,

3:39

and she said this. I don't think

3:41

America's a racist country. He

3:44

takes guts to say America... He

3:47

takes guts to say America isn't a racist

3:49

country when even her blouse is segregated. Come

3:51

on. Look

3:54

in the mirror. Look in the mirror. So

3:58

then explain what she meant to me. If

4:00

I grew up as a brown girl in

4:02

a small rural town and

4:05

my parents told me that I lived in a

4:07

racist country, I would never have

4:09

thought I had a chance. I

4:11

want every child to know, is there

4:14

racism in our country? Yes. Should

4:16

we call it out every time? You bet. But

4:19

you can be anything you want to be without

4:22

anyone getting in your way. Okay,

4:24

so the argument is that there

4:27

is racism, but it's not a racist

4:29

country. It's interesting. You

4:31

know, if you make a lemon chiffon cake that has

4:33

even a little bit of poop in it, I

4:39

got some bad news for you. That's

4:43

a poop cake. Got a label. Got a

4:45

label right there. It's a deli.

4:47

Gotta say poop cake. Must go.

4:50

Of course, Charlemagne challenged her premise. You can't say America's never

4:52

been a racist country, but then talk about the racism you

4:54

experienced. There is racism in our country. I

4:56

don't think that our country was founded to be

4:58

racist. I don't. I think that it was

5:00

meant to be this amazing experiment to see

5:02

if we could have freedom and

5:05

democracy in a way that all men are

5:07

created equal. If you think America was not founded as

5:09

a racist country, I'd say you have three-fifths

5:12

of a brain. What

5:15

else is going on? Oh, over in the

5:17

Senate yesterday, the Judiciary Committee spoke to the

5:19

TikTok, Snap, Twitter and Meta CEO's at a

5:21

hearings on the dangers of social media. Well,

5:25

it's always a bit of a danger when the oldest people

5:27

in America are on the same page. And

5:30

I think that's a good thing. I think

5:32

that's a good thing. I think

5:34

that's a good thing. I think

5:36

that's a good thing. I think that's a

5:38

good thing. Well, it's always

5:41

a bit of a danger when the oldest

5:43

people in America try to talk about social

5:45

media. Okay,

5:47

Mr. Tok. Says

5:52

here, Mr. Tok, may I call you tick?

5:56

Now, you claim the Internet isn't luring

5:58

children, yet every website that I go

6:00

to, they offer me cookies. And I

6:03

accept, and yet the cookies never show up, no

6:05

matter how long I sit by my computer with

6:08

a full glass of cold milk. Now,

6:12

the weirdest line of questioning came from

6:14

Arkansas Senator and illegitimate child of

6:16

a used car lot tube man.

6:19

And... Tom

6:22

Cotton, uh, Senator Cotton kicked

6:24

off the hearing by grilling TikTok

6:27

CEO Shochu, and it got a

6:29

little race-ish. Of what

6:31

nation are you a citizen? Singapore.

6:34

Have you ever applied for Chinese citizenship? Senator, I

6:36

served my nation in Singapore. I can't. I... No,

6:38

I did not. Have you ever been a member

6:40

of the Chinese Communist Party? Senator, I'm

6:42

Singaporean, no. Have you

6:44

ever been associated or affiliated with the Chinese Communist

6:46

Party? No, Senator. Again, I'm Singaporean.

6:49

Okay, okay, okay, fine, okay,

6:52

fine. But have you ever played Chinese

6:54

checkers? Yes? I

6:59

see. No, I see. Have you ever rested a

7:01

cup of chai on your knees? Do

7:05

you have chai knees? Do you? I'm asking

7:07

if you have chai knees. All

7:14

right, fine, fine. Just one more question, sir.

7:16

Chinese guy says what? At

7:24

long last, sir, have you been to Panda Express? Terminal

7:28

2, Charlotte, North Carolina. We

7:32

also heard from Louisiana senator

7:34

and turtle-reaching orgasm John Kennedy. Half

7:38

the form. Why can't the turtle be

7:40

happy? Don't kink shame a

7:42

turtle. Kennedy spent some time

7:45

questioning the snap of CEO Evan

7:47

Spiegel, and I have no idea

7:49

what he was trying to say. Mr.

7:53

Spiegel. I'll

7:56

see you hiding down there. Can

7:58

we agree that what you do... Not

8:00

what you say. What

8:03

you do is what you believe and

8:05

everything else is just cottage cheese. The

8:13

Senate is so old, even their

8:15

metaphors can only handle soft foods. Sir,

8:19

would you agree? Sir,

8:21

would you agree? Sir,

8:24

would you agree your Internet security is soft

8:26

and weak like pudding? It

8:29

should be hard and impenetrable.

8:31

Lock the skin on the pudding. We

8:37

have a little new info today about the

8:39

former president's attempt to steal the 2020 election.

8:43

According to a new book, Trump lawyer

8:45

Sidney Powell wanted to tap ex-Intel

8:47

operatives to break into election

8:49

offices in swing states and

8:51

seize Dominion voting machines and

8:53

servers. But first warning, the

8:56

operatives would need hunting licenses in order to fulfill

8:58

their mission. Yes, hunting

9:00

licenses. Little known fact, voting

9:03

machines in America are all guarded by elk. Now,

9:09

when one pressed on what exactly a hunting

9:11

license meant, Powell clarified a pardon

9:14

from President Trump. I

9:16

need six to eight preemptive pardons.

9:18

Six to eight? She doesn't

9:21

even know how many people she's going to break the law with. Yeah,

9:24

we're going to need six to eight pardons. Wait, Alan

9:26

might bring the kids and they love crime. I'll tell

9:28

you what. Just to

9:30

be safe, let's order the family-size pardon

9:32

bucket. The f***

9:34

bucket. Now,

9:37

I'm sorry, you don't need that kind of language. He's

9:40

trying to go to bed. He's

9:43

had it in about 40 minutes.

9:46

The only

9:48

reason operation break in and steal all

9:50

the voting machines didn't go into effect

9:52

because when Powell proposed this plan to

9:55

Rudy Giuliani, he quickly shut down

9:57

the idea. Do you

9:59

know how crazy? You have to be... for

10:02

the voice of reason to be Rudy Giuliani.

10:06

That's like getting confronted about your

10:08

drinking by Rudy Giuliani. Oh,

10:13

there's-there's-there's exciting news from

10:15

the world of sports. There's a

10:18

new athletic competition coming from right-wing billionaire

10:20

and man who insists you call him

10:22

Steve Jobs during sex. Peter

10:25

Thiel, because Thiel will be funding a

10:28

new Olympics where steroids aren't a

10:30

problem. Wow. An

10:33

Olympics where steroids are encouraged? Or

10:35

as the Russians call it, the Olympics.

10:39

The new venture, this new venture,

10:42

sure, Russia. Why not? Oh,

10:48

I can't even pretend what this means.

10:51

The new venture is called the enhanced games.

10:53

Not to be confused with the male

10:56

enhanced games. Where

10:58

the pole vaulters don't need any equipment. Oh.

11:03

Oh. Got the image?

11:05

Got the image? You see the guy running?

11:08

Wow. Wow. As

11:10

their website brags, sports can be

11:12

safer without drug testing, because

11:14

the athletes will be monitored by a

11:16

scientific and medical advisory commission. Yes, teams

11:18

of doctors with their own new version

11:20

of the Hippocratic Oath first do

11:23

these pills. The

11:26

enhanced games will include familiar events such

11:28

as track and field, swimming, gymnastics,

11:30

and weightlifting, plus a closing

11:33

ceremony that doubles as a funeral

11:35

procession. The

11:37

enhanced games also want to remove the stigma from

11:39

doping. Their site even

11:41

offers tips on how to come out as

11:44

enhanced. Oh, that is never

11:46

easy. Mom, Dad, I don't know how to

11:49

tell you this, but I have an

11:51

enormous head and tiny balls. Please,

11:54

please accept me and my rapidly

11:56

thickening skull, because I'm angry about it. all

12:00

the time and I can crush you between my 48-inch

12:02

thighs. We got a

12:04

great selfie tonight. Coming

12:07

up, John Cena. He's

12:30

number two of all fiction podcasts in

12:32

America and has been downloaded more than

12:34

four million times. Dum-dums and dragons can

12:36

be discovered anywhere hilarious podcasts can be

12:39

found. It's like Lord of the Rings

12:41

if everyone was an idiot. My

12:50

first guest tonight is a superstar

12:52

you know from movies like Trainwreck, F9

12:54

and the Suicide Squad. He now stars

12:57

in the new film Argyle. Please welcome

12:59

back to the late show, John

13:02

Cena. I

13:08

take nothing away from the beautiful dome

13:10

and the stained glass but we have a

13:12

stadium of excitement here. This is fantastic. That's

13:14

exactly right. It's

13:19

not every day that we give the

13:21

people of John Cena. It's not

13:23

every day that I get to be in front of

13:25

an audience like this. It's like a shot of adrenaline

13:28

to the eyeball. Well done. Nicely

13:31

done. How are you? I'm fantastic. I'm fantastic.

13:33

It's so wonderful to have you here John

13:35

Cena. I always enjoy talking to you. You started

13:37

off in WWE. Still

13:40

there, Steven. Still there. I know.

13:42

Still there. But you have been asked. Not as regular. Like

13:44

are you going to retire and you said. Of course I'm

13:46

going to retire. That time is going to

13:48

come and it's going to come soon. Is John

13:50

Cena finally saying you

13:53

really can't see me. We

13:56

have been really building this up for a payoff haven't we? Yes we have.

14:00

of actually being invisible, I'll be 47 in April.

14:03

And the product is filled

14:05

with superstars who are young, fast, and

14:07

gifted. And I'm just not

14:10

as fast as I once was. I compare myself to like

14:12

a fine vintage classic car.

14:15

So if you want to take it out one day, you got to warm

14:17

it up for about two and a half hours. And

14:20

then you can take it out, and you can hit the last

14:22

gear, but please don't pin it to red line. I can go

14:24

for about 30 minutes. And then after you

14:26

drive for 30 minutes, you got to take it back in

14:28

the shop and fix all the noises it was making. I'm

14:32

leaking fluids from places I didn't know I had places. So

14:35

it's pretty rough around the edge. I'm a

14:37

bondo. Indeed. I could still go, I

14:39

could still go, but pretty soon, pretty

14:41

soon. When was it like, when did you start? How,

14:43

what year? 2002,

14:45

so it's been a minute. I'm gonna fall down, man, since

14:47

2002, my friends. Okay. A

14:49

lot of falling down. That has its price.

14:53

What was it like to get the call? Was to

14:56

find out that you had the gig? So

14:58

I was living in a garage in

15:00

Venice, California, and I had picked up professional wrestling

15:03

as a hobby. I did not know what I

15:05

was gonna do with my life. I

15:07

tried to be a cop. I failed the CHP

15:09

exam. I couldn't apply my

15:11

college degree. I was gonna go down to be a Marine. And

15:14

the weekend I was gonna go down, my friend was like, hey,

15:16

we're training to be wrestlers in Orange County. I

15:18

didn't even know there was such a thing. So

15:20

when I saw a ring, I was like, I will figure

15:22

it out to do this as a hobby. Never anything more

15:24

than that. I just wanted to live like Superman on the

15:26

weekends. And then I finally

15:28

get my big contract with WWE. I got a call

15:31

from Bruce Pritchard, head of talent relations at the time.

15:33

He said, we want to sign you to $12,500 a

15:35

year. Wow.

15:38

And living in California, I quit my job right

15:41

away and I was balling like a newborn baby.

15:43

I couldn't have been happy. I

15:45

view it as a chance to better myself. And I'm very

15:47

grateful for that opportunity because it's brought us here today. Wow.

15:50

Well, now you're an actor. You

15:52

guys. You guys. Thank

15:55

you. Now

15:57

you're an actor. Everybody loves seeing you on screen.

16:00

and you're in the new movie, Argyle. I mean,

16:02

I remember the reviews. Not everybody. What? We tried.

16:04

We tried. We tried. Everybody who's anybody likes John

16:06

Cena, okay? You're in the new spy thriller, Argyle.

16:08

What's it about and who do you play? I

16:10

play a sidekick and a best friend. That's

16:14

right. That's right. Uh,

16:17

Argyle is about taking the spy genre and

16:19

flipping it on his head. We got a

16:21

brilliant director in Matthew Vaughn, and he's created

16:24

so many wonderful universes. What struck me about

16:26

his work is, in The Kingsman, there's a

16:28

quote, uh, a gentleman is the

16:30

modern-day knight and a suit is his armor. And that's

16:32

kind of why I wear the stuff that

16:35

I wear, because that really resonated with me. I feel real

16:37

comfortable in this. Same as you. You feel real comfortable in

16:39

that. Um, so to be

16:41

a part of a Matthew Vaughn universe is incredible.

16:43

He's a meticulous filmmaker. Everything

16:45

is there for a reason. And

16:48

he really leaned into the spy secret society genre with

16:50

The Kingsman and was able to turn it on its

16:52

head in Argyle. So what we have for you, the

16:54

audience, when you go to see it, is

16:56

a movie with so many twists and turns,

16:59

I actually can't talk about anything. So I've

17:01

been professionally dodging Steven's question for the last

17:03

45 seconds, hoping to build

17:05

some excitement with you guys so you go see Argyle in the

17:07

theater and you can talk about it with your friends. But I'm

17:09

not gonna spoil it for you. It's a great film. You gotta

17:11

go see it. All right.

17:20

Redlining, are you redlining? We're okay. We're redlining right

17:22

now. We do make a good spy. No.

17:26

You can't keep a secret? Do I blend

17:28

in? Well,

17:30

not in this outfit. My goodness, man. Do I... I

17:32

can... I can keep a secret. I just don't think

17:34

I'd be a good spy. What about Bond? Bond's a

17:36

little flashy. Could you be James Bond? Do you have

17:38

an English accent? Right.

17:41

Couldn't... Couldn't exactly

17:43

try... Stop right there, because it's working so

17:45

far. Couldn't... Couldn't try the James Bond. I

17:47

don't know if I'd be 007. I

17:51

might have to reorganize myself if James

17:53

Bond wanted to reinvent their franchise with

17:55

a vibrant, enthusiastic fool of a man.

17:59

Maybe they should choose... John Sennin. All

18:08

right, we do have a clip. We do have

18:10

a clip for the film here. Show it! Let's

18:12

give the people something! Let's give them something! Some

18:14

form of energy! Yes, come on! Jabber-jaw! My goodness.

18:16

Do you need to tell us what's happening here?

18:18

No, I told you I can't spoil it for

18:21

you! I can't tell you anything!

18:23

All right, I'll set it up. John Sennin is in

18:25

it. Go! Watch

18:28

your statement. I'm

18:31

about to enjoy a delicious Greek coffee. And what

18:34

I suggest you hurry up. She's

18:36

inbound to your position. Ah,

18:38

relax. Mmmmm.

18:59

Bad news for you. This is the only

19:01

exit route off the island. Now

19:10

that, for

19:12

the people who could not see from our short

19:14

clip, that's Dua Lipa. Typical day at work. Just

19:16

having a nice hot cappuccino and then just uh,

19:18

grab Dua Lipa off a full throttle sport bike.

19:21

We have to take a quick break. We'll be right back

19:23

with more John Cena, everybody. Stick around! Hey

19:39

everybody, we're back with one of the

19:42

stars of Argyle, John Cena. Now this

19:44

is the second movie you guys have

19:46

done this year. That's right. Here you

19:49

are, both as merpeople and Barbie. You

19:55

guys hanging out these days? Uh,

19:57

no, she's super busy. She's...

20:00

she's... Have you guys become friends,

20:02

is what I'm saying? Uh, I would like to think yes.

20:05

But, uh, I mean, I really honestly would like to

20:07

think yes. She... That was her... We filmed these in

20:09

reverse, so our guy was first and Barbie was second.

20:12

And in our guy, she had expressed that she was a

20:14

little nervous. And I'm working across Henry

20:16

Cavill and sitting next to her. I'm

20:19

nervous. So she's like, Am I doing it right? I'm kind of nervous?

20:21

I'm like, Oh, thank you. God. Because

20:24

I... Those are two incredibly beautiful

20:26

people, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

20:30

they are. Yeah, they are. Yeah. Yeah, it really, uh...

20:32

I've seen them both up close. Yeah,

20:34

me too. There.

20:37

That's cool. That's cool. Who wins?

20:39

Who wins? He doesn't really love. Oh.

20:43

Well, can we expect one we can get...

20:45

one we can get the next, uh, John

20:47

Cena, Dua Lipa collab? Man,

20:50

I would love to do, like, a buddy cop movie.

20:53

We heard this. Yeah, we've been inspired. And so our

20:55

graphics put together the show we'd like to see. This

20:58

is John Cena and Dua Lipa and Beauty

21:00

and the Braun. Tagline,

21:03

you've seen them together in Dua

21:06

other movies. There

21:09

you go. Well, I'll be back to promoting

21:11

that project, sir. And the twist is, you're

21:13

the beauty, she's the Braun. They

21:16

don't buy it. They don't buy it. We'll workshop it. We'll

21:18

workshop it. We'll come back to you guys. They can't... You

21:21

were with us until then. Exactly. They can't see these

21:23

baby blues like I can. You son of a bitch.

21:26

Got to take a compliment. You got to learn

21:28

to take a compliment, man. I

21:32

understand that you have a pocket watch that means a lot to you. Do

21:34

you mind if I... may I ask to see it? Sure.

21:37

I love people who have a little memento. So, uh,

21:39

this is a gift, and it's broken. So

21:43

I wear two watches because this one tells

21:45

time and this one tells me perspective. If I

21:47

think my head is getting too big, there's a

21:49

memento mori on the front to say, remember,

21:51

you're a mortal, because that way I'm not... I

21:53

don't get the feeling that I'm above everyone. And on

21:56

the back is a very meaningful quote to me. From

22:00

teddy Roosevelt and it's it's paraphrased comparison is

22:02

the thief of joy because in this business

22:04

we get put in a lot of rooms

22:07

And you don't feel as if you're enough and comparison

22:10

can take away the joy that you live your life

22:12

with so what I get Nervous if I'm in one

22:14

of those rooms I just give the old

22:16

pocket watch a rub for perspective and it reminds me that

22:19

Life is meaningful and that I am enough and that

22:21

I should be proud and grateful to be in any

22:23

room. I am Now

22:35

Thank you for listening to the late Shabasha Just

22:38

one more thing if you want to see more of me come

22:41

to the late show YouTube channel When

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the hot stuff If

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you're looking for a podcast adventure check

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out dumb dumbs and dragons a podcast

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where improvisers and comedians who've never role-played

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before Journey into the world of dungeons

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and dragons Dumbdumbs and dragons

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has been featured on the official dungeons

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and dragons podcast ranked number two of

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all fiction podcasts in America And has

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been downloaded more than four million times

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Dumbdumbs and dragons can be discovered anywhere

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hilarious podcast can be found. It's like

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Lord of the Rings if everyone was

23:46

an idiot