0:00

you teach people how to treat you

0:02

through the way that you

0:03

treat yourself.

0:08

Welcome to the Laffindirect lifestyle,

0:10

the podcast on personal growth and lifestyle

0:12

design. My name is Eileen, and I'm

0:14

here to guide you to shine as your brightest

0:17

self and create your dream life.

0:19

We all have a light within and the power

0:21

to create a life we love. Every

0:23

Sunday, we'll share thoughtful conversations, explore

0:26

how we can build a better future for ourselves

0:28

and our world. Life is an

0:31

art, make it your masterpiece.

0:35

Hello, my love. Welcome back to the Laundry Lifestyle

0:37

podcast. It's Eileen. Today, we have

0:39

an episode for you about setting boundaries.

0:42

killing from people pleasing, perfectionism,

0:45

and at nurturing your relationship with

0:47

yourself. Our guest today is

0:49

Yasmin Cheyenne. Yasmin Shayanan

0:51

is a self healing educator, author,

0:54

speaker, and mental wellness advocate

0:56

who helps people learn how to cultivate daily

0:58

practices to build healthy, joyful

1:00

life. With an online community of

1:02

over a hundred fifty k and as

1:04

the host of the sugar jar podcast, corporate

1:07

giants including ABC, meta

1:09

and Skillshare, have invited Yasmin

1:11

to share her transformative teachings around

1:13

self healing, which she also offers through

1:15

keynote speeches, corporate presentations,

1:18

and one on one coaching. Yasmin's

1:20

first book, The Sugar jar, is currently available

1:22

for preorder and will show readers that

1:24

when we nurture our energy, we can create

1:26

more balance and joy in our lives.

1:29

Before we begin, I'd like to quickly share about our

1:31

new artist of life workbook. If you want

1:33

an organized, guided system to achieve

1:35

all your goals in twenty twenty three, Check

1:37

out the new twenty twenty three artist of

1:39

life workbook at shop dot lavendaire

1:42

dot com. Alright. On to the interview.

1:45

Hello, Yasmin. How you doing today? Welcome

1:48

to the podcast.

1:49

Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

1:52

Yeah. So why don't you start

1:54

off by telling us your story in

1:56

why you're passionate about self healing

1:58

and mental wellness?

2:00

Yeah. You know, I think

2:02

my story is a lot like a

2:04

lot of peoples we had no idea

2:07

that we could choose what we want for our lives.

2:09

You know,

2:09

we thought that we had to do things as a certain

2:12

way. We should do what our family is saying. We should

2:14

do what other people think we should be doing.

2:16

And I

2:18

got to a place in my life where I

2:20

was like, this cannot

2:21

be it. Like, I can't my

2:23

life can't actually be me just doing what

2:25

everybody else wants and not being able

2:27

to show up for myself and do

2:30

what feels good to me. And

2:31

so I started

2:33

my own healing journey after

2:36

being a victim in the air

2:38

force. and I

2:40

started then I started teaching. And

2:42

through my own journey and

2:44

through teaching,

2:45

I've recognized the consistent story that's

2:48

that's true

2:49

for me, but true for people that I work with too,

2:51

that we don't often feel

2:53

like we have permission. And so self healing

2:55

is so important to me because it's us

2:58

giving ourselves permission to

3:00

be

3:01

or choose whatever we

3:03

want for our lives. not allowing

3:05

other people to dictate how we should be living.

3:07

Yeah.

3:08

Love that. Give us a

3:10

little more background on like who you were

3:13

you kind of have that like aha moment.

3:15

Let's talk about the the before and then

3:17

the after. So

3:19

before Yasmin, you know,

3:21

I grew up in Brooklyn, New York. I

3:25

definitely

3:25

bought into the hustle and bustle lifestyle,

3:27

you know, be strong, move

3:30

fast, who

3:31

cares about feelings, and then I joined the military

3:34

at night years old, which basically

3:36

just reinforced all of that. Lee's

3:38

strong, who cares about feelings, keep

3:40

going, And then

3:43

in that military time, I

3:45

was a young mom, I was

3:47

married at the time, and I was

3:49

also a victim advocate. I just kept

3:52

feeling this pull to to

3:54

healing work because working with victims

3:57

of domestic violence or trauma

3:59

and things like that.

3:59

I kept finding

4:01

myself asking, like, what happens to them afterwards?

4:03

How do they get out of this space

4:05

and into a space that feels better?

4:07

for

4:07

them after experiencing something that's

4:10

so tough. And that made me realize, like, how do

4:12

I get out of the space that I'm in?

4:15

and get to a place that feels better.

4:17

So I would say, me before,

4:19

I was very curious about the

4:22

I always was curious about the fact that

4:24

this can't be the way life is. Like,

4:26

you can't tell me that, like, we grow up and

4:28

then it's just crappy every day

4:30

and then we go to sleep. Like, there has to be

4:32

a way for us

4:34

to be able to start to

4:36

live a bit more

4:38

enjoy or peace. me

4:40

before just had no idea where to begin.

4:43

And

4:43

that was a thing. It was just like, okay, I

4:45

don't know where to begin, then I guess this is just what it is.

4:47

And everyone around me was reinforcing that. They

4:49

were like, oh, that's just what life is.

4:51

That's just tough. And life is tough

4:53

sometimes, but it

4:55

doesn't have to be tough.

4:57

every day, and it definitely doesn't have to be

4:59

where we never get to do what

5:01

feels good to us too. So

5:03

Yeah. Definitely. talk

5:05

about like what what sparked

5:07

this change and what were like

5:09

the key, I guess, mindset shifts that

5:11

you had to make because It is hard to

5:13

shift when everyone around you is telling the same

5:15

story. Right? So so what

5:17

sparked this this major change in

5:19

this like? you

5:20

know, for

5:21

I just wanna preface

5:23

this by saying this took years, like,

5:26

over a decade and a half of of

5:28

work on myself, and I'm still a work in progress.

5:30

The shift for me definitely started

5:32

when I was working with domestic violence victims.

5:35

Holding space for people with that kind

5:37

of trauma definitely made me

5:39

feel like I need to go see

5:41

my own therapist, get my own

5:43

help, to support me while I'm supporting

5:45

them I had no idea that while I was in

5:47

therapy, I was gonna realize that I

5:49

wasn't happy in my whole in my own life. I

5:51

had no idea I

5:53

wasn't happy. I thought that I that this was

5:56

just

5:56

what life You just accepted that as normal.

5:58

Yeah. I was in therapy

5:59

because of

6:00

the victim advocacy stuff. I didn't know

6:03

this was gonna open this whole new

6:05

world for me. Yeah. And so

6:07

through that experience, that's when I

6:09

was, like, oh,

6:10

I don't wanna keep going. I wanna

6:12

find out more about myself. I

6:14

wanna uncover more.

6:16

Yeah. So as you were

6:18

healing yourself, did you find that you

6:20

immediately started, like, helping

6:22

the the victims? Like

6:24

like, was it was there kind

6:26

of, like, a immediate effect where you were, like,

6:28

sharing this stuff or did it take some time

6:30

before you decided, oh, this is what I wanna

6:33

share, and this is my new direction?

6:35

It definitely took

6:36

time. At that point when I was in victim

6:38

advocacy, I definitely

6:40

took pieces of what I do today, but that was in

6:42

the very beginning stages. So you

6:44

know, basically, like, if my job was just

6:46

filling paperwork work out with that person,

6:48

I wasn't just doing that. I was asking them

6:50

how they were doing. I was finding ways to get

6:52

them financing. I was, you know, I

6:54

always felt like there should be more that what should be

6:56

done and I always went above and beyond. But the

6:58

emotional support, I didn't have that those

7:00

skills at that time to do that.

7:02

Yeah. So okay.

7:04

So now you have this sugar

7:07

jar concept. Can you explain

7:09

what that is? And what's the story behind

7:11

how you came up with it?

7:13

Yeah. So just to give

7:15

listeners background between

7:17

the military and the

7:19

sugar jar, I was still in that space

7:21

of discovery, you know, like,

7:23

self discovery, self

7:25

healing,

7:26

yes therapy, but also a

7:28

lot of just internal dialogue

7:31

with myself. I started

7:33

coaching and working with people in

7:35

twenty thirteen. after

7:36

getting a coaching certification.

7:38

And

7:40

through working with

7:42

clients, I do development own way

7:44

of coaching and helping them to self

7:46

to begin practicing their own self healing journeys.

7:49

Because the number one

7:51

thing that often keeps people from wanting

7:53

to do any

7:54

kind of feeling work is I

7:57

don't

7:57

have the time.

7:59

Where am I gonna

7:59

take something out to be able to put something

8:02

else new in? Or I can afford it at

8:04

this time.

8:05

So I wanted people to feel like

8:07

whether they're working with me or if they're

8:09

on their own that they still

8:12

can have these tools in their

8:14

own lives. And so

8:17

twenty fourth they twenty fourteen

8:20

twenty fifteen, twenty sixteen. I'm consistently

8:23

working with clients. Twenty seventeen, I

8:25

get pregnant. Twenty

8:27

eighteen, I give birth. And I've

8:29

been working at this point for years

8:32

teaching people how to heal,

8:34

helping them with their journeys, and I find myself

8:36

burned out. I find

8:37

myself exhausted, and I'm

8:39

thinking

8:39

to myself, like, first of all, I'm

8:42

a little bit embarrassed. Like, this

8:44

is what I teach for a living. Why

8:46

am I struggling. You know, we have that sense

8:48

of, like, being hard on ourselves and that

8:50

shame.

8:50

And I

8:52

also felt like my life was I

8:54

was getting a lot of the things I wanted in my life.

8:56

My career was taking off. There was, you know, I

8:58

had another baby. Like, I, you

9:00

know, loved my friend groups. Like,

9:01

everything was really great. I had already set the boundaries,

9:04

so why am I still struggling? And

9:06

that's when I realized that

9:08

that's

9:08

when the sugar jar came to me. I was

9:10

literally sitting at a table

9:12

with

9:12

my daughter who was a few, maybe

9:15

a

9:15

month and a half ish old. And

9:17

I was like,

9:18

I just feel like a glass

9:19

of sugar in the kitchen, and

9:23

people are coming into the kitchen and they're taking

9:25

out sugar, they're

9:25

taking my energy, they're taking my time, they're

9:27

taking all of these things,

9:29

and they're careless with it.

9:32

and I feel like I can't even

9:34

keep up. I can't even fill my sugar

9:36

jar back up again before someone else

9:38

is back in taking more stuff.

9:40

And I

9:40

think the realization again at that

9:43

point was I need to

9:44

put a lid on my jar. I need even more

9:46

boundaries in place right now because I

9:48

don't have what I

9:49

need to care for myself. This was

9:52

just

9:52

the internal conversation that I was having with

9:54

myself.

9:54

I had no idea that it was going

9:56

to morph into this

9:58

whole

9:58

thing, but it became such a great way for

10:01

me to

10:01

check-in with myself that I started teaching it

10:04

with my clients and then it turned

10:06

into the Shigadjar podcast,

10:08

the app, and the book. So yeah.

10:10

Oh, that's

10:11

amazing. Okay. So it's

10:13

funny that you thought you were already

10:15

doing the work, setting good boundaries. And then

10:17

you're like, no, I need to set even more

10:19

boundaries. So so what is your

10:21

definition of healthy boundaries

10:23

Like, how do you figure out what that is?

10:25

Yeah.

10:27

I think the biggest thing that I didn't realize

10:29

at the time was that

10:30

boundaries change when your

10:32

life changes, when circumstances change,

10:35

it's okay to change your boundaries and shift

10:37

what you need at that

10:39

time. And so healthy boundaries

10:41

are when you understand what

10:43

you need and you're willing to advocate for

10:45

it. If you need more time in the

10:47

morning, you know, you're waking up earlier, if

10:49

you need your partner to not, you

10:51

know, to to respect a certain need,

10:53

then advocating with them, communicating what

10:56

you need. But in addition to

10:58

communicating with the need or

11:00

setting the boundary, also making sure

11:02

that it happens, I think I had a lot of

11:04

boundaries in place but

11:06

I wasn't saying, hey, remember we

11:08

talked about this.

11:08

That's not okay. Or, hey, remember we talked

11:11

about this. I don't have time for that. I was

11:13

still like, oh, we did talk about it, but

11:15

I guess they're here so they need it. And so I'm just

11:17

letting them kinda take again. Right.

11:19

And I just had a baby. So there was a

11:21

lot of things that had shifted. And

11:24

I think

11:24

there's a lot of people whether you have a child or

11:26

not. When you have an

11:28

energy shift where you don't have as much

11:30

to give, It takes a

11:32

while for the people around you to catch up with

11:34

the fact that this person

11:35

who would normally just do what I

11:38

asked, isn't willing to do it or

11:40

can't do it anymore. You're

11:41

gonna

11:42

have to be the person that says, you

11:44

know, I

11:44

love you, but I can't. And

11:46

I think that

11:48

that is what's

11:51

hardest for people to understand about healthy

11:53

boundaries. yes, we

11:55

want everyone around us to just love us

11:57

and accept what we're changing.

11:59

And yet,

11:59

that's not usually

12:00

outwards. People are usually dragging, kicking,

12:02

and screaming, like, no. I don't want you

12:04

to change. I want you to keep doing what I want you

12:06

to do. And it's

12:08

really it can be really tough.

12:10

Oh,

12:11

yeah. Definitely. I mean, on one

12:13

hand, I just I feel like if anybody has

12:15

a baby, you expect that they don't have time

12:17

anymore, you know. I think

12:19

when energy shifts and your time shifts, like

12:21

say, you get a new job or you have a baby, I think

12:23

it's just a learning experience for

12:25

yourself and everyone around you. too. Like,

12:27

what is the new normal? And I

12:29

think that's something that people

12:31

don't they're not aware of. Like, oh, if there's

12:33

a shift, my boundaries and

12:35

my needs will change. So I have

12:37

to be aware of it. I think people just

12:39

think everything will stay the same.

12:42

Another thing

12:43

you mentioned was how even though you communicated

12:45

the boundary, people still like

12:47

somehow, it still gets crossed.

12:49

And Ultimately, it's

12:51

it's both parties. Right? It's people

12:53

asking. It's also you allowing it to

12:55

happen. So so talk about

12:57

what happened there. And and

12:59

any advice or listeners

13:01

who who do that really often. Like, they

13:03

try to set a boundary, but it doesn't work.

13:06

This is the toughest part, I think, because

13:08

when we start healing, I think this is where

13:11

sometimes our relationships don't last or

13:13

we end up losing certain people

13:14

because we keep saying, hey,

13:16

this is what I need

13:17

from you or this is it's not okay. Like for example,

13:19

I think

13:19

something that a lot of us had dealt with is

13:21

a friend or a family member who thinks it's funny

13:23

to call out certain things or make certain jokes

13:25

that are inappropriate or make certain comment

13:28

that are inappropriate.

13:28

And we said, I know you think that's

13:31

funny. I know you think it's not a big deal, but it actually

13:33

really bothers me. Can you not do that?

13:35

when we

13:36

say that that's the boundary.

13:39

Right? The the other

13:41

thing to keep in mind is that

13:44

We're giving them an option. Boundaries

13:47

are always an option. They're not

13:49

ultimatones. They're not you must do what I

13:51

say if you wanna be in my life there.

13:53

I

13:53

need you to hear that this is

13:55

important to me, will you respect what

13:57

I'm asking you? And

13:59

people have an

13:59

option to say yes, I will respect what you're

14:02

asking, or yes, I respect it,

14:04

but I need to compromise because that is an

14:06

actually word for me. Or

14:08

no, I don't care about what you're saying, and I'm gonna

14:10

do what I wanna do. And when

14:12

we get into that last category

14:14

for sure, I think that's where we have

14:16

to ask ourselves, what do I need

14:18

to create? in this

14:19

relationship to feel safe.

14:21

Can I stay in relationship with

14:24

them? Do

14:25

I only wanna be around them when we're

14:27

in groups? for a lot of people, especially with

14:29

certain family members, we're like, I'll see you

14:31

when the whole family's around, but I'm not

14:33

doing one on one with this family member

14:35

because, you know,

14:37

I have past experience that it hasn't

14:39

worked out well or I end up in stressful

14:41

situations with them. So just

14:43

becoming curious with

14:45

yourself about And

14:46

what ways am I over giving in this

14:49

relationship? Or am I confident? Or am

14:51

I

14:52

saying yes

14:53

to connecting with them or being in spaces

14:55

with them when I know that it's draining

14:58

me.

14:58

And I'm

14:59

not saying that every single person around you

15:02

is gonna respect every single boundary

15:04

you and then you're gonna live a perfect life

15:05

and never have an issue again. Like, that's not

15:07

reality.

15:08

But I'm also saying that

15:10

the primary responsibility is

15:13

on you to ensure

15:15

that you are advocating for what you need. And that's the

15:17

toughest part because we just wish people would

15:19

just behave and

15:22

just not you know, say

15:23

or do things. And, you know, these are the more

15:26

harmful boundaries. Sometimes the boundary is just, you

15:28

know, is not as harmful. Sometimes

15:30

it's like, I'm not answer my phone after

15:32

eight o'clock because I wanna go to bed early because I

15:34

wanna wake up early and have a good you know, I wanna

15:36

go for a run. stop

15:38

stopping answering your phone at at night.

15:40

You know, sometimes it's on us to respect our

15:42

home boundaries and realize -- Yeah. -- I'm not the one

15:44

doing what I said. Right? Yes.

15:47

Yeah.

15:47

I call that, like, keeping the promises

15:49

you make to yourself. because

15:51

that builds trust with yourself. That's another

15:53

whole other topic because

15:55

if you don't if you can't even respect your own

15:57

boundaries that you set for yourself, how do you expect

15:59

other people to start to respect your

16:01

boundaries? And the

16:03

way I see boundary like,

16:06

you can't really control what other

16:08

people decide to do. Like, yes, you can

16:10

communicate, but sometimes,

16:12

like, all you can only control

16:14

yourself. So focus more

16:16

on that part

16:17

than than forcing other people

16:20

to behave how you want them to behave.

16:22

Right? Yeah. And I

16:24

think,

16:24

you know, I call them self boundaries, the way

16:26

that we treat ourselves, is

16:28

often mirrored in the way that we're in

16:30

relationships. And a lot of us are doing it because we

16:32

don't wanna ruffle

16:33

feathers. We don't wanna make people upset. We

16:35

don't wanna

16:35

lose relationships. we're afraid

16:37

of what people are gonna think about us if we say

16:39

what we really, you know, want

16:41

or need.

16:42

But the

16:45

Other

16:45

side of that is, am I willing to be

16:47

uncomfortable or unhappy or

16:51

unsafe? just

16:53

to not ruffle people's feathers. It's like

16:55

we really have to start to ask

16:57

ourselves,

16:58

how can I care about their

17:00

feelings, but care about myself too. And

17:02

that's what boundaries

17:02

is doing is allowing us to say

17:05

what we need and also let

17:08

them know what

17:09

works for us at the same time.

17:11

time Yeah. Let's

17:12

go a little bit deeper into, like,

17:14

the people pleasing tendencies and how

17:16

to heal from those because, you know, that

17:18

that part of you that says, oh, I don't wanna ruffle

17:21

people's feathers. I don't want people to

17:23

feel bad, hurt people's feelings,

17:25

or blah blah, Like, where does that come

17:27

from in your perspective? And

17:29

how do you how have you healed from that in

17:31

your life? Like, what does that process

17:33

been? Yeah.

17:35

You know, I don't really identify

17:37

myself as a

17:38

recovering people

17:40

pleaser. I'm definitely way more recovering

17:43

perfectionist. But for people who struggle

17:45

with people pleasing, it

17:48

usually it

17:48

can come from many different places, but

17:51

the place that I see it the most is is a

17:53

learned behavior from when we were children. You know,

17:55

we were taught early early on

17:58

that if you wanna be a good girl, if you wanna

17:59

be a good boy, if you wanna as a good person,

18:01

this is what you should do. You should do what

18:03

I say. You should, you know,

18:06

behave. You should not speak when

18:08

other people are speaking. You should

18:10

give money even if you don't want to, you know. And

18:12

it comes from that validation. When

18:14

we do the good thing, the

18:16

good thing, then the person

18:19

says, that makes

18:20

me so happy for lack

18:21

of a better, you know, determine what they say. They say

18:23

that makes me so happy and then you feel

18:26

good for making them happy and

18:28

it creates cycle and we go into another

18:30

relationship and we are looking

18:32

again in all of our relationships for that

18:34

validation that we are good.

18:36

because good has now translated to

18:38

I'm safe. They love me.

18:40

They need me.

18:42

And we

18:44

continue that cycle until, you

18:47

know and some people are continuing it

18:49

for life. But for those of us who go

18:51

go into

18:51

healing, we realize I

18:54

don't

18:54

have as much to give

18:56

as

18:56

I'm showing I have to give. I

18:58

don't have as much to give as I'm sharing.

19:01

And

19:01

and this

19:02

is the hard part for people pleasers is

19:05

that when they say no,

19:07

a

19:07

lot of those relationships end

19:10

because the relationship was literally

19:12

built on the fact that you

19:14

were gonna give and they were gonna be

19:16

able to get whatever they want without having

19:18

to give to you. And

19:21

I think that's the hardest thing for recovering

19:23

people pleasers is learning that the

19:25

people in their lives they may

19:27

care

19:27

about them, but the relationship was

19:30

built on their

19:32

overgiving.

19:32

It was never built on

19:35

the that they thought they had.

19:37

Yes. The reciprocity was

19:38

never there. Mhmm.

19:39

And and, yeah, and and learning

19:41

those new ways of being in relationship and finding

19:43

those new relationships or reforming

19:46

old relationships to have a more

19:48

equal balance is a forever

19:51

thing. I I always

19:51

like to tell people, like, there is no such thing

19:54

necessarily I've

19:55

done that lesson. I'm healed. I'm moving on.

19:57

It's

19:57

like, yes, you may

19:59

heal

19:59

certain things and you may also have to

20:02

revisit

20:02

them later on. we're

20:04

on this healing journey for life as we meet different people and

20:06

we have different experiences. So

20:09

being compassionate to ourselves as we

20:11

may have to revisit old

20:13

things that we thought we went through like I did with the boundaries. You know,

20:15

when the sugar dry came to me, that was

20:18

something that I thought I

20:18

had dealt with and that came came

20:21

up again. Alright. Let's

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21:41

episode. I

21:43

see healing

21:43

as like a spiral. Like it you'll

21:46

always go back to the same themes, but, like, say, you

21:48

heal it, but you'll come back. It'll it'll be

21:50

a new angle. It'll be, like, healing it in

21:52

a different way or some something

21:55

like that. You also mentioned

21:57

you dealt with mainly perfectionism.

21:59

So can you

21:59

explain that and how

22:01

that relates

22:02

to boundaries?

22:05

perfectionism is different than people

22:07

pleasing.

22:07

People pleasers sometimes may be perfectionist

22:09

and perfectionist may sometimes be people pleasers

22:12

too. But perfectionism is

22:14

often

22:14

everything has to go right. There is

22:17

no room. There is no no room

22:19

for I have to do

22:21

everything right. And the big thing with

22:23

perfectionism is when something doesn't go

22:25

right, which is bound to happen, right,

22:27

because we're human, the

22:30

self blame and the self the

22:32

way perfectionists beat themselves up

22:34

for not being perfect. Because in the same way

22:36

as people pleasers, the validation

22:38

that has come from being the person that's

22:41

always strong, being the person that can always

22:43

be relied on, being the person that always

22:45

gets it right,

22:47

they're less likely

22:47

to ask for help. They're less

22:50

likely to ask other people for

22:52

support or even know how to receive support.

22:55

And

22:55

they're also more likely to

22:58

tell other people how they should be

23:00

doing things. And so people are like, I don't

23:02

even want to help you because

23:03

see you're a lot when

23:07

you're trying to help. And so they're like,

23:08

I keep telling you that you'd say you wanna

23:11

help me I'm telling you what I need

23:13

and, you know, they don't

23:14

even understand the way that it may be coming

23:16

off sometimes. And I think that

23:20

for recovering

23:22

perfectionist. And when it comes to

23:24

to boundaries, it's one for

23:26

sure, learning how to control

23:28

what they say

23:29

yes to.

23:31

First

23:31

and foremost, like, do I actually have this

23:33

space and time for this?

23:34

Then the second part is, can I

23:37

actually handle this all by myself? Or

23:39

do I need help? And

23:40

if I need help, am I willing to

23:42

allow that help in? The way that they

23:44

are willing to come

23:45

in and support me not by, like, being the manager, a

23:47

leader, a dictator over what

23:49

everyone is doing and saying.

23:52

And for all of these people,

23:54

for all of tool no matter whether you're

23:56

recovering perfectionist, people

23:58

pleaser, whether you're in a place of codependency,

23:59

whatever it is that you're dealing with,

24:02

learning to have compassion for yourself

24:04

is the ultimate thing that we're all working

24:06

on. We're all in this space

24:09

of participating in these

24:11

cycles that we've learned through whether

24:13

it's been through childhood, adult

24:16

friendships, romantic relationships, where

24:18

we're playing out these projections and we're playing out

24:21

these

24:21

roles because we

24:22

want to be loved, seen, and

24:25

respected, and safe. And

24:27

the way to being in relationships where

24:29

we love seeing, respecting, and safe is

24:31

to communicate what we need and having

24:34

healthy relationships, healthy boundaries,

24:37

not through these cycles, but we're

24:39

unlearning all of those behaviors and

24:41

trying to put on we're putting in these

24:43

new tools and new way of being

24:45

that again, I say this all the time, but,

24:47

like, takes a lot of time.

24:49

I always say I'm a work

24:51

in progress because although I'm way

24:54

far along this from where I

24:57

was. I don't know what's coming. I don't know,

24:59

you know, I'm raising children. There's all

25:01

kinds of different things that will impact the

25:03

way that I deal

25:05

with the things that come my

25:07

way in life and having

25:09

that capacity

25:10

to acknowledge

25:12

our humanness is such a big

25:14

part of the work. Yeah,

25:16

definitely. So

25:19

like, in a healthy relationship, like,

25:21

I have a question about what

25:23

if, like, two people's boundaries don't

25:26

align? Like like have you

25:28

seen cases like that? How do you kind of

25:30

resolve that? That's such a good

25:31

question because that's like the most I think the

25:34

most common thing that comes out with

25:36

with boundaries. especially, you

25:38

know, let's say, like, you're

25:40

in a lot of

25:41

unhealthy relationships, and you do a lot of healing work, you get

25:43

out of those relationships, and now

25:44

you're in a healthy relationship, And

25:46

you're like, this be easy, and there's, like, no it'll

25:49

be healthier. But, like, now we have both of our

25:51

boundaries to contend with. Yeah. Now we

25:53

vote not healthy communication. Now we vote,

25:56

you know, compromise. And and I

25:58

think

25:58

that's why it's important to recognize that

25:59

boundaries aren't ultimatums. There

26:02

are things that

26:03

are absolutely off the table.

26:06

Right? There are certain things where you're like, that joke's inappropriate.

26:08

Don't make that joke around me. There's no real

26:10

compromise here. Like, I don't wanna hit a joke or

26:12

if you make the joke, then perhaps you won't be

26:14

in each other's company. If

26:16

somebody

26:16

wants to compromise on that, that's not that

26:18

doesn't sound like

26:19

a healthy relationship

26:22

or education. but

26:23

also realizing when you're having this compromised

26:26

conversation that your boundary isn't

26:28

up for

26:28

debate. We're trying to find

26:31

a way to meet in the middle where we're

26:33

both understood. If if this is a

26:35

romantic relationship you're talking about, for

26:37

example, we're looking at each other and

26:39

saying, hey, we're on the same team.

26:40

we love each other, we support each

26:43

other, but this is what I need. And the

26:45

other person might be saying, hey, this is what I need.

26:47

And we're trying to find a way that we can

26:48

meet in the middle and

26:51

both feel safe on either side,

26:53

but also honor that we

26:55

may need different things.

26:57

And sometimes boundaries don't come to

26:59

a place where we can have complete

27:01

middle ground meeting. I'd love

27:03

to hear the example if you

27:04

have one of the type

27:07

of boundary that

27:08

you're talking about. So I don't throw something out there that throws the

27:11

listeners off. I think

27:13

it's a romantic

27:14

relationship or friendship, but

27:17

Okay.

27:17

This is very specific.

27:20

I can think of a couple examples

27:22

between me and my boyfriend where

27:25

okay. We're both working on

27:27

healing. And we both know each other's buttons

27:29

and some time like, there are certain

27:31

things I'm like, don't do that because

27:34

that like, it triggers me. And he's like, I know he

27:36

he he's like annoying in a way. He's

27:38

like, because it triggers you, I wanna encourage you

27:40

to heal, so I'm gonna push that button.

27:43

But, like, like, he's like, he's saying

27:45

it in a way that he's like, I

27:47

and I from the I can take it from

27:49

the perspective, like, it's annoying

27:51

or frustrating, and And at

27:53

the same time, I can be thankful. Like, yes, you're bringing

27:55

it up so I can heal from it, but but it's also very

27:58

annoying. Like, do I feel safe when you do that?

27:59

Not But it's Mhmm.

28:02

But he's like, I'm still gonna do it because

28:04

I like, I don't know. Maybe he's being too

28:06

pushy, but that is a boundary. You

28:09

know? Like, If I'm not ready to heal it, that was a clear

28:11

boundary. Yeah. Right.

28:13

Right. And so so something like

28:15

that where he's like, he believes

28:17

in a relationship Like,

28:19

he he I don't know.

28:20

He's like, oh, I'm helping you,

28:22

but it could be that I'm not

28:24

ready to be helped. in that

28:26

area, and it could be vice versa too,

28:28

where, like, I'm trying to help him and

28:30

he's not ready to be helped. That's his

28:33

boundary is, like, no, don't don't make me

28:35

do that. Right? Yeah,

28:37

that's such a good question. And I

28:39

think, you know, the first thing that comes to mind is

28:41

like, yes, you're my boyfriend and you're trying

28:43

to support me, but you're not my purpose. I

28:45

didn't hire you to be my coach. You know

28:47

what I mean? Like and I think

28:48

reminding, you know, this is not

28:51

for you necessarily. I'm not approaching you.

28:52

But, like, for the listeners, if you're in a situation like this,

28:54

it's, like, reminding your partner

28:56

or your friend or your family member that, like,

28:58

I appreciate

28:58

you trying to support me. But, like, if

29:01

I ask you to

29:03

not do this particular thing because it's

29:05

triggering to me. I'm asking you this because

29:07

it makes me not feel safe. And when I

29:09

don't feel safe, I don't feel supported

29:11

by you. And when I don't feel supported by

29:13

you, it changes the way I show up in

29:16

relationship with you. And so although you

29:18

may think you're trying to help me by triggering

29:20

me. It's actually doing the complete

29:23

opposite because

29:23

I didn't When

29:24

we're in therapy or in coaching or something

29:26

like that, we're in a safe space where

29:28

we understand that we might be bringing up topics

29:31

or conversations. Or even if we're with friends or

29:33

family and we're in that space where we set

29:35

that, like, we're gonna have this kind

29:37

of conversation. we

29:38

said yes to that. When someone triggers us,

29:40

we have not said yes to that. That is

29:42

coming from some place that we did not

29:44

know was coming from. And

29:47

so it's

29:48

not helpful. It's creating

29:50

a situation where I'm reliving something

29:52

that's painful.

29:55

And so I think it's important

29:57

to let people

29:58

know when they

29:59

continue to do something that

30:02

you've asked them not to do, especially

30:04

when they think that it's helpful

30:06

that it's actually

30:09

yes. I might be working on this thing that

30:11

you think is helpful for me.

30:14

but you're actually causing distance

30:16

in our relationship because or

30:18

you could be you're causing

30:21

discomfort in our relationship because

30:23

it keeps coming up. There's

30:25

nothing more loving that we

30:27

can do than respecting someone's boundaries.

30:29

Yeah. And I think what my

30:32

example kind of goes both ways because it

30:34

also reminds me that, like, you you

30:36

no matter how much you wanna help someone and no

30:38

matter how much you wanna, like, guide them

30:40

and encourage them to change,

30:42

like, you can't until they're ready

30:44

and willing to change. Right?

30:46

Like, there have been times where, like, I

30:48

like, I may nag at him a little too much for,

30:51

like, oh, drink more water. You should

30:53

go exercise. I I don't know. Like, all

30:55

these things where, like, But his boundary is like, I don't

30:57

wanna drink more water. I'm

30:59

like, okay, fine. I think it's so brave of you

31:01

to bring this up because I think so many people are dealing

31:03

with this in their relationships. It's just no one

31:05

talks it. Every you know,

31:07

every Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's, like, different everybody's there. I

31:08

feel like it's so common, like,

31:11

people wanting to change each other.

31:13

Like, with good intentions,

31:15

and they think they're helping

31:17

them. But if that person doesn't wanna be

31:19

helped, you just gotta be patient and

31:21

and let them live their life

31:24

until they're ready. Absolutely.

31:26

Even when we're in

31:27

partnership with people, we're in friendships with

31:29

people, we're not in control of what they decide

31:31

to do for themselves. And

31:33

by the way,

31:33

when we take on other people's work,

31:36

it could be it

31:38

we're creating we're literally

31:40

overstepping a boundary. When we take on

31:42

other people's work, we're saying, I

31:44

have a better idea of you should

31:46

be living your life than you do. And I know that can be

31:48

hard sometimes because we're talking about things that are very

31:51

light, but sometimes somebody might be

31:53

dealing with alcoholism or something

31:55

that's harmful. And we really

31:56

feel like I want you to

31:57

do this. You need to change. And even in

31:59

those

31:59

situations, we still have

32:02

to

32:02

allow people. People have to be

32:05

ready. People have to want to do the things

32:07

themselves. Or we're

32:09

creating more discomfort and more we're

32:11

overstepping their boundaries or perhaps

32:12

even participating in co dependency in the

32:15

way that we're in the relationship thinking

32:17

that, you know, we can create the change

32:19

for them versus them doing it

32:21

themselves.

32:21

Yeah. Alright. So

32:24

another question I wanna ask is what

32:26

is I a common mistake people make when trying to set

32:28

boundaries. Like, give us the

32:30

boundaries 101 like, how do we set

32:32

good

32:32

boundaries? the

32:34

the common mistake is literally what we just talked about. The the number

32:36

one thing that people do when they're trying to

32:38

set boundaries is I'm

32:40

gonna change

32:41

everyone around me. Like, now

32:43

that I have boundaries, they're gonna do what

32:45

I want, and they're gonna do what I need. And we're

32:47

thinking, like, external,

32:49

my world is going to change

32:51

versus boundaries are about you. They're not

32:53

necessarily

32:53

yes. People need to respect your

32:55

boundaries, but the number one thing that boundaries

32:57

are doing are keeping you safe.

33:00

And so it doesn't mean that because you set

33:02

a boundary

33:03

that, like, your mom isn't gonna

33:05

say inappropriate comments at dinner anymore.

33:08

Like, that's you don't

33:09

get to change how your mom shows

33:11

up. You get to change how you react

33:13

and what you allow and what you

33:15

say yes to and whether you go to

33:17

the dinner that gonna be inappropriate at. That's what

33:19

changes when you set the boundary.

33:22

I

33:22

also think another thing that

33:24

comes up when we set boundaries or

33:27

the common

33:28

thing that we think is going to happen

33:30

when we set boundaries is that

33:32

we are unaware

33:34

of how lonely

33:36

that work

33:36

is. And what I mean by that

33:38

is when we start healing and when we start

33:41

setting boundaries, it can be

33:43

really isolating

33:44

For a lot of us, we can lose a lot of

33:47

relationships or things change swiftly.

33:49

People leave. People stop showing up

33:51

in the same ways. And

33:52

so I'm messing this

33:53

to scare anyone, but I think

33:55

it's always important to know that

33:57

for those of us who have relationships where

33:59

there aren't a

33:59

lot of boundaries, they

34:02

really begin to change when we start

34:04

saying no, and it can be really

34:06

just overwhelming at how

34:09

our world life changes. And I always

34:12

tell clients it changes for

34:14

the better. We have more time

34:15

for the people who

34:18

us. We have more time for the people who are committed to us.

34:20

We do have less drama in our lives.

34:22

Like, those things do show up, but

34:23

and also, it

34:26

can be a little

34:29

alarming at how

34:30

our lives and our relationships change,

34:32

and we say yes to ourselves.

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mean, ultimately, you're creating a

35:37

better foundation for your life. And

35:39

although it can get lonely, it's like if you

35:41

feel lonely, work on loving yourself.

35:44

because, like, a boundary setting boundaries is learning to love yourself

35:46

better. And I I just

35:48

feel like you have to feel whole

35:50

and like

35:52

loved by yourself

35:54

on your own and set those boundaries.

35:56

And then, you know, like

35:58

everything else will be healthier in your

35:59

life, the relationships, your how you

36:02

spend your time, Yeah.

36:03

And it's important

36:04

too. Yes. It's it's definitely important to

36:06

love yourself, but also the long winded piece

36:08

that I brought up is because, you know,

36:11

we're not healing so that we

36:12

can do life along with healing so that we have better connections,

36:14

better community, better partnerships.

36:17

And so it can be

36:19

jarring to recognize that you

36:21

know, every almost every single client I've had

36:24

it has said at some point, I feel like

36:26

I'm starting from

36:26

scratch. This is just

36:27

something that happens. when

36:29

-- Uh-huh. -- we, you

36:30

know, we begin to to to choose

36:32

ourselves. And so knowing that, yes, loving

36:34

yourself is important, choosing yourself

36:37

is important, and also

36:39

you can connect

36:41

and meet community on the other

36:43

side of, like, having this

36:46

new

36:46

healing journey if you've been on the healing journey

36:48

for a while, I know you know what I'm talking about where

36:50

you're in that place of, like, oh my gosh, I've just

36:52

lost, like, all of

36:52

these people that I thought would be here

36:55

forever. And maybe you're in the place where

36:57

you've met those connections and made

36:58

those friendships. But it's it's it can it can

37:00

just be a

37:01

hard part of the journey that we

37:03

go through, especially the younger

37:06

folks, the

37:06

saturn return. I don't know if you're

37:08

in astrology, but, like, for your yeah. Yeah.

37:12

Yeah.

37:13

I mean, just think of it as, like, transformation time.

37:15

You're literally, like, gonna be a butterfly after this,

37:17

but you're gonna have to go

37:19

through some some stuff. Another

37:23

side of this coin is some people don't even know what

37:25

they need. Right? So what's your advice

37:27

for how to better tune

37:30

in to yourself and figure out what you need, what you want.

37:33

Love this question. I

37:34

think the first place

37:37

to start is Where am I

37:40

uncomfortable? I think we often

37:41

think about what we wanna add.

37:43

You know, like,

37:46

move say, I wanna get my life start

37:48

doing this. Like, those are things we're adding.

37:50

What are you already uncomfortable

37:52

with? What do you already need?

37:55

Do you already feel like you don't get enough sleep?

37:57

Are you barely having one meal a day?

37:59

Do you

37:59

not drink water? Do you feel like you

38:02

don't even get to see the people that you love

38:04

spending time with? you know,

38:06

those

38:06

things. And how can we begin

38:08

to say, okay.

38:09

You know, actually something that I really like is I

38:11

wanna make more time for my friends. I

38:13

wanna, you

38:14

know, go for walks with my partner.

38:16

I don't wanna be

38:17

on the computer all

38:19

day, or if I have to

38:21

be at work

38:22

and on the computer all day, I wanna actually take my lunch and not work from my desk.

38:24

These sound

38:25

like

38:27

very small things,

38:29

that if you think

38:30

about if you before

38:33

you healed, these were things that maybe you

38:35

didn't have access to. I know

38:36

i know for me

38:38

for me, I

38:38

ate at my desk every day. I barely saw the sun. I barely

38:40

had any water. I barely had time for

38:42

myself because I was just doing, doing,

38:46

doing, doing, And so imagining a time or

38:48

space where I would have

38:49

some time for me,

38:50

that sounded it completely impossible.

38:52

impossible And

38:54

so starting with the very small things that

38:56

are actually very

38:57

big things and the

39:00

big scheme, helps us

39:02

to be able to start to create that

39:04

change and begin to understand what we

39:06

need. Mhmm. Because, unfortunately,

39:08

no one's gonna tell us. The one's gonna say,

39:10

hey, don't you

39:10

think you need some more of this? Well no.

39:13

They're just gonna take both. So you have to

39:15

decide when to take Yeah. Exactly.

39:18

Yep. Okay.

39:18

So start with where you're already feeling uncomfortable and

39:20

then and then the little things, like,

39:22

what would you like to add in your

39:26

life? and then go to adding

39:27

things and maybe not even adding

39:29

anything. I think people often say I'm gonna

39:31

start doing this. I'm gonna join a gym. I'm

39:33

gonna do yoga. There's

39:34

more with the gym. There's nothing wrong

39:36

with yoga. There's nothing wrong with eating

39:38

healthy. But, like, we automatically think

39:40

about those things instead of

39:42

thinking about like I don't

39:45

see the

39:45

sun all day or I

39:48

don't have space to be with my

39:50

friends or I don't go to

39:52

sleep till one AM because, you

39:54

know, I can't shut off my

39:55

brain. Like, those

39:56

are the things that I think

39:58

will

39:58

help us in the when we're starting this

40:00

journey. Yeah.

40:02

Okay. So so on this

40:04

healing journey, I know you talked about, like,

40:07

therapy some people feel like they can't afford healing

40:10

practices. But I like, what is your

40:12

perspective on that? Like, what are the things that our

40:14

listeners can start to do,

40:16

like, without paying to see a

40:17

therapist? Like, what are some practices that you

40:20

would recommend to start

40:22

with? I

40:22

always think it's important to

40:24

start

40:24

with the free things. before we invest.

40:27

Because when we start with the free things, we begin

40:29

I mean, let me preface this by saying if

40:31

you feel like you

40:34

are struggling with your mental health. If you feel like you're struggling with anxiety

40:36

or depression or things like that, you

40:38

know, please go find a

40:40

therapist, find someone that maybe is within

40:42

your insurance,

40:44

you don't have insurance looking at programs

40:46

like better health or things like that that

40:48

might have affordable therapy in your

40:50

area is what you should begin.

40:53

But for folks who maybe don't feel like they're

40:55

ready for therapy

40:57

or that they're not interested in

41:00

starting on that path, the free

41:02

things.

41:02

Like, for example, I know my app.

41:04

I offer tons of free things on my app.

41:06

I'm not the only person with the app. There's so

41:08

many apps out there that offer free

41:11

journal prompts, podcast,

41:12

like yours that allow people

41:15

to come on and hear from experts.

41:17

There's so many ways, like, you could be

41:19

listening to this episode and driving,

41:21

or you could be listening to this episode and writing a couple

41:23

things down and journaling about what

41:26

you heard. There's so many

41:28

ways to begin to

41:30

think about or

41:32

hear the information. The

41:34

next step is once I hear this podcast

41:36

episode, what steps do

41:38

I take? in

41:39

my own life. And I think that's

41:41

the thing that people need the

41:42

most help with and why

41:45

sometimes people hire someone. Now if you can't

41:47

hire someone, You can hear what talking about in this episode and start

41:49

taking those steps. And maybe your first step is just doing

41:51

the thing we just talked about, where am I

41:53

already uncomfortable? That's

41:55

a huge step. you

41:57

know, that's like

41:59

prioritizing yourself

41:59

by asking yourself that question.

42:02

So I

42:02

just wanna just share one more time, like, if you're

42:04

not able to

42:05

start there, pay for reason you're not

42:07

ready. Podcasts,

42:08

the Instagram

42:09

people, like myself and so many others

42:12

who share post

42:14

every day, this pod you know, like, there's so many ways that you can

42:16

start your work by

42:18

just listening to the free

42:20

things

42:20

that are available

42:22

and then taking action on the things that we about in these

42:25

episodes or on Instagram. It's not gonna

42:27

change by just listening to

42:30

the podcast. You have to then take the step and do. Yes.

42:32

Love that. Love

42:33

that. Okay. So you mentioned your app, the

42:35

Sugar jar app.

42:38

So Why don't you explain, like, what is it, what's included, and why

42:40

we should check it out? Yeah. You

42:42

know, the Shuggenheim

42:43

Community app I created

42:46

I knew that Instagram was not enough. I I needed to go beyond

42:48

that if I wanted to really allow people to

42:51

get connected to

42:52

themselves in the work. on

42:55

the app, I have audio workshops and video workshops. But

42:57

on the free level, I

42:59

have affirmations, journal

43:02

prompts, things

43:04

that really get people connected to

43:07

themselves. And sometimes that's where

43:09

it begins, just in the writing

43:11

or listening to an information

43:14

or listening to a a audio

43:16

workshop or something like that,

43:17

people begin to understand, oh, this

43:19

isn't working

43:20

for me. relationship isn't working

43:22

for me or, you know, whatever. Like, the

43:24

thing that you shared earlier in

43:26

your relationship, like, some people wouldn't even

43:28

know what triggered means. Like, people have no

43:30

idea when they're starting from the beginning. So, like,

43:32

it just helps you begin to get the language

43:35

and the framework so that you can have

43:37

these conversations without feeling like, I

43:39

don't

43:39

know how to advocate for

43:41

myself.

43:41

And that's what the Shigadjar

43:43

community app helps

43:45

people do.

43:46

Love that. love that you I I feel like what we do is similar because

43:48

I love like, I can only talk

43:50

about myself and what I've learned, but I

43:52

I really like to help give

43:55

no prompts because I it's important for people to,

43:57

like, take it home and do the

43:59

homework themselves

43:59

because everyone's life, everyone's issues are

44:02

different. Right? Like, that's why I

44:04

have, like, I come out with workbooks and and

44:06

worksheets because it's like,

44:08

you

44:08

know, I can give you the prompts, but everybody's gonna

44:11

have a different something different

44:13

about themselves. So it's it's

44:15

so personalized and that's why it's hard to

44:17

give like a one size fit all

44:19

sort of thing. And literally that's

44:21

why therapy is good because it's like you need

44:23

to have some something one on

44:26

one.

44:26

It's so true. We're all unique

44:28

in the way that

44:30

we see

44:30

the world, and it like, even when I was when I was writing my book, I

44:33

knew that I couldn't just do

44:35

chapters without journal prompts I

44:37

knew that had

44:38

to be something where people are able to take

44:40

action because people people

44:42

and myself, I am included in

44:46

I would read a book and just say,

44:48

wow, that was such a good book. And then just,

44:50

like, go on about my life, and I want people

44:52

to, like, have that stopping point of like, no. What am I gonna do

44:55

about that chapter? I just read where I thought about

44:57

all those things. Yeah. I want you to take stuff

44:59

away

44:59

from it. You know? Yeah. Yeah. No. That's

45:01

a good reminder. I mean,

45:03

I'm sure like, I do that. I'm sure everyone does that as well where they,

45:05

like, watch a video. It's so inspiring

45:07

and then they they just go on with

45:09

their life. But yeah.

45:12

Like, actually, taking the time to,

45:14

like, integrate it in your life. Ask ask yourself the questions.

45:16

Everything in life is actually,

45:20

like, an opportunity to self reflect. Like, literally, any

45:22

you can do it, not with anything. Right?

45:24

I wanna ask you about

45:27

your person over team? Like,

45:29

do you have any rituals for self care and

45:31

mental wellness?

45:33

Yes. So,

45:34

personally, I

45:37

get

45:37

up early in the morning so that I can write. I write

45:39

every single day. It's kind of writing

45:41

practice that I

45:44

So I do writing for myself, like, just free

45:47

form writing. Yeah. And

45:50

then I also write

45:52

for, like, what I share on

45:54

Instagram. And I started it in

45:56

twenty seventeen as a way to just get

45:58

everything out of my mind and

45:59

onto the page before

46:02

I even start my day. So that really helps

46:04

me to just feel like, okay,

46:06

I got everything out. And

46:08

I used to journal in the

46:10

evening. But I found that my journaling in the evening would be very

46:12

much complaining about my day,

46:15

birthday. Yeah. Yeah.

46:17

Yeah. You know what you mean? Yesterday, it's

46:20

like, oh, you know, you have a different

46:22

perspective. So it was really

46:24

helpful. Yeah.

46:26

I also

46:26

take a walk in the afternoon, like

46:28

there were or so times a a

46:30

week. And this is something

46:32

that, again, I did

46:34

this even when

46:35

I had a nine to five. I would take my fifteen minute break and I would go

46:37

for a walk. It helps

46:40

me to

46:42

just connect

46:43

to myself again. I

46:45

don't I mean, you would think that

46:47

we automatically think, like, yeah, we need to have

46:49

time outside, but then so many of us don't

46:52

get time outs side or don't

46:53

get time to just take a break. That's something that I do every day. And

46:55

then also tea. Mhmm. Tea is a way I

46:57

take care of

46:57

myself. I

47:00

like take

47:00

a lot of time to make elaborates

47:03

that

47:03

are specific to,

47:05

like, not necessarily like, sweet

47:07

teas or

47:08

teas that are, like, super my tea I think

47:10

my tea tastes good, good, but I'm just saying

47:12

they're like, oh, I need a

47:13

little boom boom. Because, you

47:15

know, my nervous I've been feeling a little anxious, or I'm gonna have

47:17

some Telsey because I have a I had a stressful night

47:19

last night. Like, I'm I'm making my

47:21

tea based on what

47:23

my body's experiencing. And that's felt like a really great

47:26

way to take care of myself too. Oh,

47:28

that's really

47:28

interesting. Where did you learn

47:31

like, what go what's good for what? Like,

47:33

how did you start your t

47:35

journey?

47:36

I would say probably,

47:38

wow. So something old.

47:40

like in twenty fifteen, I

47:42

started really getting

47:43

curious about

47:46

how herbs could

47:48

impact our bodies, and twenty fifteen was

47:50

probably my biggest year of

47:52

anxiety. And so I started thinking about

47:54

ways that I could support my

47:56

body with just what

47:57

I eat and drink on a normal basis and that's

47:59

how I started

47:59

learning about the teas. Yeah.

48:01

I love that. Are there any, like, resources

48:03

people you follow that where people can

48:05

learn more about that?

48:06

There are so many books. I

48:09

will, for sure, make sure

48:10

that I send you. I

48:14

will email after this so

48:15

that I can send because there's a book that came to mind and

48:17

I can't remember it. I don't wanna say the wrong one. So

48:19

Okay. Yeah. Definitely. So we can put that in

48:21

the show notes because that's something I'm interested in. Like,

48:23

I haven't really dive into learning about herbs. But, like, I just

48:25

I love that concept of, like, it it is

48:28

what you put in your body that can

48:30

help give you what you need. I

48:32

remember it. Okay.

48:34

One of

48:35

my good resources is organic Olivia. Have you

48:37

heard of her? No.

48:41

her

48:41

on Instagram is organic, Olivia,

48:43

but she sells these teas are already made,

48:45

so you don't have to buy all the solo teas,

48:47

but her teas are made based on what I'm

48:50

talking about. She has tinctures, all kinds of cool stuff,

48:52

but it's all about supporting your nervous

48:54

system. Yeah. Okay. I

48:56

love

48:56

that. Another question I

48:58

do have for you was like, what was the most difficult

49:00

part of your healing journey, whether it's

49:02

setting boundaries or something else? And and how

49:04

did you over overcome it?

49:07

I

49:07

think the most difficult part of

49:09

my healing journey was recognizing

49:12

that some of the people that I love weren't gonna

49:14

come with me on the

49:16

journey. Like, Yes.

49:17

I'm healing. Yes. I'm changing. Yes. I'm growing.

49:18

And what happens

49:20

when I'm not

49:21

okay with certain things anymore?

49:23

And then the people around

49:25

me are still okay with it. So then we

49:28

don't do the same things anymore. We don't hang

49:30

out in the same ways or they don't

49:32

feel like they connect to me.

49:34

They feel like I've changed. And I have changed, but that that was a really hard

49:38

transition. if you

49:39

to be in

49:40

a relationship, like, romantic relationship or friendships

49:43

where everyone's healing, like, oh my gosh. Makes

49:45

it a lot easier. They understand the

49:47

language they're talking about, But

49:49

if you're in a relationship, like like, not a

49:51

relationship or relationships community, like, for

49:53

myself, I was the only

49:55

person going to therapy. everybody was like,

49:57

what are you talking about? What do you mean triggered? What do you mean

49:59

boundaries? This sounds

50:01

selfish. And so there

50:04

definitely was

50:06

when you

50:06

have that being reflected onto you, it can

50:09

be harder to stay in the journey and

50:11

feel like you you there's so much guilt

50:13

you carry. Mhmm. And I had

50:15

to learn not to carry that guilt

50:17

and to let that go and not bring their

50:20

projections on. But that's

50:20

that was a long, long

50:24

payable process.

50:24

Wow. Yeah. That is difficult. Like, if

50:26

you're the only one that understands these concepts

50:29

and everyone else, they're they're essentially

50:31

living in a different framework. like,

50:33

in their they have different definitions. I

50:36

also see it in terms of energy. Right?

50:38

Like, if some people there if they

50:40

haven't even started a healing journey, their

50:42

energy is at a certain level. and your as

50:44

you release things, I feel like your energy

50:46

becomes lighter. And so, like, you've

50:48

no longer resonate with the people that

50:50

you used to resonate with. before you

50:52

started. It's really true. Right? And it's it is sad,

50:55

but at the same time, you

50:57

know, you're evolving. And,

51:00

you know, if the people around you, if

51:02

the energy is not the same, like, you're

51:04

you're gonna grow distant. I think that's

51:06

just how

51:08

life is. It is. And that's where, you know, some of that loneliness can

51:10

come in

51:10

or even grief. You know, yes,

51:13

in one way that you're choosing

51:15

yourself, and that's grade and you're moving moving in another direction.

51:17

And then also recognizing

51:18

that there's a ton of groups that

51:20

can come up with loss and

51:21

so dealing with that

51:24

too. Mhmm.

51:25

Yeah. Alright. So do

51:27

you if you were to leave the listeners

51:29

with, like, one insight,

51:32

like, one message you wanna share what

51:34

would that eat today. You

51:36

teach people how to treat you through

51:38

the way that you treat yourself. I

51:41

think that's the most important thing

51:43

that we can remember on our healing journeys. You

51:45

know, when we treat ourselves with respect, when we learn how

51:47

to love ourselves, when we learn how to

51:49

be compassionate, when we learn how to

51:51

care for ourselves, we're

51:53

less likely to say yes to stuff.

51:56

That will

51:56

be harmful. That will

51:59

drain us. And that's why I

52:02

call it

52:02

self healing. It's not because we're doing it alone. It's about

52:04

healing the relationship that we have

52:08

to ourselves. because we so

52:10

often think it's about everyone around us and

52:12

really many, many times

52:14

is about the way that we are

52:17

relating us. That's huge. Thank you for sharing that. It's

52:19

so beautiful. Alright, Yasmin, where can we

52:22

find you online? You can find me on

52:24

Instagram at as in

52:26

Cheyenne. My book is available for

52:28

pre order, the sugar jar, so you

52:30

can order that. And, yeah,

52:32

that's where you can find me. Amazing

52:33

everyone. Make sure you check out Yasmin Cheyenne.

52:36

We'll have everything in the show notes

52:38

below. Thank you

52:40

so much. Thank

52:40

you. This was wonderful. Thanks so much for listening

52:43

to the love and spirit

52:43

lifestyle. If you like the podcast,

52:46

please show your support by leaving a review

52:48

on ApplePod Cast

52:50

or Spotify. You can also subscribe to our podcast YouTube channel

52:52

at youtube dot com slash lavender

52:56

at lifestyle. Lastly, follow

52:58

me on YouTube and

52:59

Instagram at lavendaire for more content

53:01

on creating your dream life, sending

53:04

you

53:04

so much love

53:06

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