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You're listening to the Life Coach School

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Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode

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number Welcome

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to the Life Coach School Podcast,

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where it's all about real clients,

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real problems, and real

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coaching. And now your

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host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke

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Castillo. Hi

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beautiful friends. I

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am in Miami.

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We just got back from

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an epic trip where I

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watched Christian Golf and

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went to Antigua and played some pickleball

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and then went to Barbados for New

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Year's and now I'm in Miami about

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to move into my new place. We're in

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a hotel right now until my place

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is done and then I'm living in

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Miami for a whole

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year. It's going to be a

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year of a lot of work and

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less travel. So

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we're going to explore Miami and

1:01

I'm going to explore myself and

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a lot of goals with myself

1:05

for this year. So if you

1:07

want in on the journey, you

1:09

got to join us and get

1:11

coach, self coaching scholars for

1:14

the behind the scenes. I'm recording like

1:16

a small behind the scene video every

1:18

week to kind of share

1:20

with all my students the progress

1:23

that we're making, I'm

1:25

making personally and the struggles that I

1:27

go through and the fun that I

1:29

have. So that's what's up.

1:32

I'm sitting right now. It's

1:34

Saturday morning. I'm sitting and

1:36

looking. There's this beautiful view

1:38

outside the room to the

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ocean and it's just like

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very inspiring and gratitude

1:45

producing right now. And

1:48

kind of an interesting background

1:50

for me to be talking about this

1:53

topic, which is being

1:55

a good person. And

1:58

I've talked about this. my

2:00

trainings and in the podcast before,

2:02

but I want to talk about it directly

2:05

and only in this

2:07

podcast. And I was inspired to do

2:09

it because I was recently listening to

2:11

Oprah talk. And I was

2:14

fascinated by her perception

2:18

and her way of thinking

2:20

about her life. And

2:22

one of the things that just a little

2:24

bit of background of what had happened, she

2:26

had posted some

2:29

stuff online about doing

2:31

some fundraising when the Maui fires happened.

2:34

She has a house in Maui and

2:36

she was doing some

2:38

fundraising to help the people of

2:40

Maui. And the interpretation

2:43

of what she was doing and the

2:45

vitriol and what she

2:47

would call bullying and the hate

2:49

that she got coming online

2:51

from her attempt to what she

2:54

says is do something good was

2:57

very unexpected, painful

3:00

disheartening for her. And

3:03

as she was talking about just knowing

3:05

who she is and knowing that she was

3:07

a good person, it was really

3:09

interesting how for her

3:12

that was the most important thing is

3:14

that she was a good person and

3:16

that people saw her as a good

3:18

person. And when people didn't see

3:20

her that way, how incredibly painful that

3:22

was for her. And so

3:25

I'm thinking like Oprah Winfrey who has

3:27

done so much for my life and

3:29

so much for so many people's lives,

3:32

really struggling with thinking that she's not a

3:34

good person or that people would think that

3:36

she wasn't a good person. I don't think

3:39

she struggles with knowing she's a good person

3:41

but I think that was very

3:43

difficult for her to see other

3:45

people not seeing her in that way. So

3:47

this got me to really thinking about

3:51

this concept because I do think

3:53

that we are exposed to a

3:55

lot of I'm going to call

3:58

it rhetoric, a lot. of

4:00

teaching in our lives because

4:02

especially in America, the way

4:04

that kind of I think

4:06

that education structure is set

4:08

up is that we

4:10

are supposed to be

4:13

happy and we're supposed to

4:15

be good people. And

4:18

very few people would argue that being

4:20

happy and being a good person is

4:22

a negative thing

4:24

to focus on, right? It's in many ways the

4:27

purpose of many of our lives is to be

4:29

good and to be happy and to be both

4:31

of those things at the same time.

4:34

And I've talked a lot in the podcast

4:36

and in the trainings about being happy and

4:39

trying to be happy all the time and

4:41

how so much of that

4:43

causes us to be unhappy because we're

4:45

so unhappy about not being happy 100%

4:48

of the time. And

4:51

my philosophy on that is that there

4:54

needs to be an education

4:56

that life is a balance of

4:59

positive and negative, happy and unhappy. And when

5:01

we understand that, we'll be less unhappy about

5:03

our unhappiness because unhappiness is part of life

5:05

and we do want it to be part

5:08

of life because we want to be unhappy

5:10

about the things that we want to be

5:12

unhappy about, period. And the

5:14

same thing, in my opinion, goes

5:17

for being good and

5:19

being a good person. So

5:23

I feel like the training,

5:26

the concept, the belief that

5:29

we are, many of us are ingrained

5:31

with that we must and

5:33

should be good people is a

5:35

trap because it's

5:38

very subjective. What

5:41

does it mean to be a good

5:43

person? What are the rules for

5:46

being a good person? A

5:49

lot of my students

5:52

are raised in a religious background where they

5:54

are taught the exact rules of how to

5:56

be a good person. You follow all of

5:59

these rules. If you follow all of these rules,

6:01

you are a good person. And

6:03

if at any point you don't follow

6:05

one of these rules, then you need

6:07

to make up for it to maintain

6:09

being a good person. And

6:12

I actually think in that case, it's

6:14

less of a trap, right? Because you

6:16

know how to define it. You can

6:18

define it by these external rules. And

6:21

yet the things that many of my clients that I

6:23

work with them on struggle with that is sometimes they

6:25

disagree with the rules. There's certain

6:27

rules that maybe they disagree with. And

6:29

so then it makes it a little

6:32

bit more cloudy on how to be

6:34

a good person and how to

6:36

judge other people. If they

6:38

are a good person, right? Because then all

6:41

of a sudden they're judging you on whether

6:43

you followed all the rules. And if you

6:45

don't follow all the rules, then by definition,

6:47

you aren't a good person in their

6:50

eyes. And so the

6:53

reason I think it's a trap is because

6:55

it sets us up to if we

6:58

don't do this consciously, which is what I'm going

7:00

to teach you to do in this podcast, we

7:02

don't do this consciously for ourselves, it sets us

7:04

up to be following external rules even if they

7:06

don't align with what

7:09

we feel deepest in our hearts and our

7:11

souls. So the

7:13

question then becomes who decides

7:15

who's good? Who

7:17

decides if you're a good person? Is

7:20

it you? Is it

7:22

your religion? Is it the

7:25

mob of people on the internet? Is

7:28

it your friends and family? Who

7:31

decides who a good person is?

7:33

Like I said, it's so subjective

7:35

what good means. And

7:38

I know for me, when

7:40

I was growing up as a

7:42

girl in America, there

7:44

was a constant barrage

7:47

of be a good girl and you'll

7:50

be rewarded. Be a good

7:52

girl. And for me, I was raised in a religion where it

7:54

was be a good girl so I could go to heaven, right

7:57

and that meant the rules for the world.

8:00

that when I was younger was to

8:02

make the adults happy by being well

8:04

behaved, not in trouble, taking

8:07

all of the authority that was

8:09

given to me and obeying it

8:12

and making sure the way

8:14

that I remember thinking about it is

8:16

making sure that when people saw me,

8:18

they smiled and I smiled and that

8:20

I was pleasing to everyone. And as

8:22

long as I was good, then everything

8:25

would be okay. And that

8:27

was from my parents too, like,

8:29

are you going to be a good

8:31

girl? And so I was constantly looking

8:33

externally to how to please the people,

8:36

how to make them all think that

8:38

I was good and then therefore I

8:40

would be rewarded. And

8:43

I was a very obedient,

8:46

in many ways, little girl,

8:48

especially in front of

8:50

authority figures, whether

8:52

I agreed with what

8:54

was going on or not. And, you

8:56

know, that got me into some

8:59

traumatic situations where I was trying

9:01

to be good in abusive

9:04

situations in order

9:06

to be in this person's

9:08

eyes who was an authority figure, a good

9:11

girl and a good person. And

9:13

it gets very conflicted because when

9:16

you're looking externally for that

9:18

approval and that praise and

9:20

that acknowledgement, then sometimes

9:22

the rules are this and then sometimes the

9:25

rules are that and it gets us, many

9:28

of us, into a situation where we don't

9:30

learn how to trust ourselves. We don't learn

9:32

how to trust our own guts. We don't

9:34

get to make those decisions for ourselves. So

9:37

if you're struggling with this at all, you

9:39

have to ask yourself, what is the reason

9:41

why you want

9:43

to be good? If this is

9:45

something like you want to be a good

9:47

person, why? Why do you want

9:50

to be a good person? It seems

9:52

like an obvious question, right? But

9:55

the question could be maybe the

9:58

goal isn't to be good. And

10:01

my theory is if it is

10:03

that we want to be good people and

10:05

that's important to us, then

10:07

we need to be the ones

10:09

that define that for ourselves.

10:12

We need to remember that we

10:15

are governing our

10:17

own lives and we

10:19

can define what it means to

10:21

be good without someone else trying

10:23

to knock us off of our

10:26

own knowing and our own understanding

10:28

of what goodness is in

10:30

our lives. And

10:32

the challenge with that my friends

10:34

is what I define as good

10:36

and what someone else defines as

10:38

good might be contradictory and

10:40

so they may think that

10:43

I'm evil because I

10:45

believe something different than them

10:48

in terms of loving

10:50

people and being open

10:53

to everyone living

10:55

the life that they choose to live.

10:58

And understanding that

11:01

choices that we make in our

11:03

own life do have consequences of

11:05

course but that everyone and

11:07

this is my belief system, everyone

11:10

is worthy, 100% worthy

11:12

as a human being and nothing can take that away.

11:14

I believe that for every

11:16

single human and their experiences

11:19

in this world and the way

11:21

that they are educated as children

11:23

will have a huge impact on

11:26

whether they utilize their own

11:28

agency to be their version

11:31

of good. And what I mean

11:33

by that is I think there's a lot of

11:36

mental challenges, cognitive challenges

11:38

that happen with people who

11:40

have a lot of

11:42

extended trauma in their childhood that lead

11:44

them to do things, break

11:47

the laws in ways that we would

11:49

then define them as not being a

11:51

good person. And then you go back

11:53

into their history and you understand in

11:56

many ways why someone might end up

11:58

stealing something or someone might. end

12:00

up lying about something or someone might end

12:02

up, you know, getting in a fistfight with

12:04

someone for example. It doesn't mean

12:06

that any of those things are okay

12:09

or that any of those things are

12:11

good but I think that person can

12:13

still be a good person at their

12:16

core, a worthy person at

12:18

their core. So if

12:20

we start to question this for ourselves,

12:22

the first question is why do we

12:24

want to be good? Then the second

12:27

question has to be what

12:29

does good mean to me?

12:31

I am a

12:33

good person if. Now

12:37

when I google this, when I look

12:39

up kind of the general definition, being

12:41

a good person means we act

12:43

rightly. So

12:46

we do the right things and

12:48

so we would question

12:50

like when I think through history,

12:52

when I think present day, I

12:55

think about wars, I

12:57

think about justification of

13:00

actions, I think

13:02

in many situations people think

13:04

they're acting rightly even

13:07

though they may be causing harm. People

13:09

believe in their actions of

13:12

rightness for the sake

13:14

of what they believe is

13:16

good. And so that

13:19

puts us kind of into this

13:21

challenge with having a general definition

13:23

of what goodness is

13:25

and what it means to be good. So

13:28

the characteristics that a lot of people

13:31

would agree that define

13:33

goodness are empathy,

13:37

being generous, being honest,

13:39

being polite, smiling,

13:41

being thoughtful, being

13:44

gentle, being kind-hearted,

13:46

not ever hurting anybody, right?

13:49

And these are just some general ideas that

13:51

most people would agree. And I

13:53

was looking at this and I kind of laughed

13:56

a little bit about the honest one because Because

14:00

a lot of people would argue that,

14:02

you know, honesty is the best policy and

14:04

you should always tell the truth and a good

14:06

people would never lie. And yet,

14:08

if we all went around just telling each

14:11

other the truth all the time, I'm pretty

14:13

sure we wouldn't actually think we

14:15

were all good people. We

14:17

think that we were non-empathetic and rude

14:20

and judgmental, right? Because we are. That

14:22

is what we are. So

14:24

if we're trying to be good people, how

14:26

do we deal with all the parts of

14:28

our humanity that lead us

14:31

to things that would not be perceived

14:33

as good? Being

14:36

honest all the time, I promise

14:38

you, is in theory a very

14:40

good idea and a very wholesome

14:42

good thing to do and in

14:44

practice could make a lot of people not

14:46

think you're a good person. See what

14:48

I'm saying? And I was talking to

14:51

my friend, April, she went to Barbados with me

14:53

and I was talking about a situation that I'm

14:55

dealing with in my personal life. And

14:58

she said, I think generosity

15:00

is overrated. And I

15:02

was like, what? And she goes, I

15:05

do. She goes, I think generosity is

15:07

completely overrated as something

15:10

to do. And what's really interesting to me is

15:12

April is one of the most generous people I've

15:15

ever met. She is

15:17

generous to me in extraordinary ways,

15:20

both financially and emotionally and

15:22

personally and with her time

15:25

in every way. And

15:27

so I just thought it was

15:29

interesting when somebody takes something that's

15:31

supposedly a good thing and says

15:33

it's not so good, it's overrated.

15:35

It makes you question like, oh,

15:37

what else should I question as

15:39

goodness? I

15:41

think another one that I deal

15:44

with more often than not is

15:47

the idea of being

15:49

kind and being nice

15:52

and being gentle, right?

15:54

Those are good things, especially I was

15:56

taught that for girls, right? We should

15:58

be kind and gentle. and nice in

16:01

all situations. And I

16:03

think about a lot of painful

16:05

situations that I've been through where

16:07

I was trying to be kind

16:09

and gentle and nice that did

16:12

not serve the world by

16:15

doing that, by trying to

16:17

be good in that situation and

16:19

in fact ended up not

16:21

confronting things that I needed to confront

16:23

from people who were causing other people

16:26

harm and being

16:28

unkind and not gentle in those

16:30

situations, I think for me

16:32

was the better thing to do. That

16:34

would make me more of a quote

16:36

unquote good person. So

16:38

when I think about what it means for

16:40

me to be a good person is to

16:43

use my life, to use my precious

16:45

gift of a life to

16:48

evolve myself and to help other

16:50

people as much as I possibly

16:53

can. And if I can do

16:55

that, it means I've lived a good life and

16:57

that I'm a good person. And so for me,

16:59

a lot of the components

17:01

of being a good person is having

17:03

courage, courage to stand up for others.

17:06

Sometimes that's not kind and gentle and

17:08

the fortitude to work through challenges

17:11

and work through shame and

17:13

work through embarrassment and work

17:15

through pain and

17:18

end up on the other side of all

17:21

of that is for me goodness,

17:23

I think a lot of times in

17:25

my life when I have been in

17:27

the most pain, I have

17:30

been creating self-loathing, right?

17:32

And self-loathing may seem

17:35

beautiful to other people which is so interesting,

17:37

right? Because it's like if I'm hating

17:39

myself and I'm constantly trying to make everyone

17:41

around me happy, trying to constantly make

17:43

everyone else see me as a good person,

17:46

trying to make everyone else think that

17:48

I'm a good girl, you know, as I

17:50

was growing up, it caused me to

17:52

hate myself and how can

17:54

that be being a good person, right?

17:57

Sacrificing what is in my heart, sacrificing what is in my

17:59

heart. my desires for

18:01

other people is

18:03

that goodness. A

18:06

lot of people would say yes, that

18:08

the people who sacrifice their own

18:11

personal desires, the people that don't

18:14

use their life for their

18:16

own selfish dreams are

18:18

the good people that go out

18:21

and do everything for everybody else.

18:23

And so knowing that there

18:25

are these different perspectives of goodness, you're

18:27

never going to be able to make

18:30

everybody think you're good, which

18:32

is really frustrating if the goal is

18:34

to be a good person and you

18:36

are looking externally for the rules on

18:38

how to do that. And

18:41

I have coached so many

18:43

people on their belief

18:45

that they are not good,

18:47

that they are not worthy,

18:49

that they are not acceptable.

18:52

And the reason why is because they

18:55

can't figure out the rules that they

18:57

can follow so everyone will think so.

18:59

And the reason why you can't is because

19:01

everyone has different rules, everyone

19:03

has different expectations of

19:05

goodness, right? And of

19:07

how you should live your life. And

19:10

if you have people in your life that you

19:12

are seeking approval from, if you

19:14

have authority figures that you're seeking

19:16

approval from in your life and

19:18

they are not acknowledging you as

19:21

a good person, then that could

19:23

be detrimental to your

19:25

own self-image because then you may not

19:27

see yourself as a good person. So

19:30

then what is the solution

19:32

to this? How do we

19:34

live a more conscious life?

19:36

How do we live a

19:38

quote unquote better life that's

19:40

aligned with goodness if that's

19:42

why we are here and

19:45

that's important to us, then

19:47

we have to make a plan

19:49

for what goodness is for us

19:51

and we have to remember it

19:54

if someone else doesn't think we are good. And

19:56

that was one thing Oprah said, she goes, I

19:58

know who I am. I know

20:01

what my intentions are. I

20:03

know what it means to make

20:05

a contribution and use my influence.

20:09

And it hurts me when other people don't

20:11

see that. She was really struggling

20:13

with it. It really hurt her that other people

20:15

weren't seeing it that way. But

20:17

she had to just keep coming back

20:19

to her center and knowing who she

20:21

is and what she believes

20:24

in and honoring that.

20:27

And for her in many ways, that

20:30

is aligned with her relationship with God

20:32

and what she believes is

20:35

expected of her. And

20:37

that is her kind of paradigm

20:39

for how she sees goodness. If

20:43

there was some ultimate judge

20:45

of goodness in

20:47

the world that we could all align

20:49

with and follow the rules for

20:52

and understand, then this would

20:54

be a very clear judgment,

20:56

right? You could say this person is good and

20:59

this person isn't. But because

21:01

there isn't, I believe that we're

21:03

all here to create that for

21:06

ourselves. That is why we have

21:08

our own agency. That's why

21:10

we have our own freedom of choice

21:12

to decide most of all what

21:15

we think consciously and therefore what we

21:17

feel and do. And

21:20

if you haven't thought about this, like

21:22

really thought about this, it's

21:24

worth thinking and asking

21:26

yourself the question, is it

21:28

important for me to be good in

21:31

my own eyes and why?

21:35

Because the answer may be no. Goodness

21:37

may not be something that you want to

21:39

continue to value as the focus of your

21:43

life. Just like for me, I

21:45

no longer am constantly seeking happiness

21:48

to be happy all of the time because it's

21:50

just not what the world has set

21:52

up for me to do. And

21:55

I love the contrast of the discomfort,

21:57

the comfort, the unhappiness, the happiness, the

21:59

mixture. of that recipe has given me a way

22:01

better life than trying to be happy all the time.

22:04

It's ironic when I was trying to be happy all

22:06

the time, I was basically miserable all the time, right?

22:09

So what does it mean for you

22:11

to be a good person if

22:14

accomplishments in your life is

22:16

important, if being

22:18

generous is important for

22:20

you to being a good person,

22:22

if sharing, if being fair, if

22:25

being empathetic, if helping other people,

22:27

if dedicating your life to other

22:29

people, making a contribution, whatever it is

22:31

for you, write it down. Know

22:34

the rules of what it means for you to

22:36

be a good person. If you have

22:38

a religion that you were raised in,

22:40

what are the components of that that

22:42

you really resonate with that really makes sense

22:44

to you? And are there some that don't? And

22:47

have you given yourself permission to believe

22:50

that you're a good person even if

22:52

you don't align with some of the

22:54

things that maybe you were taught? Can

22:57

you trust yourself to be

22:59

able to discern and evaluate

23:01

that for your own personal

23:04

life? And once

23:06

you've created kind of that definition

23:08

for yourself, then you have to explore

23:10

what will it mean for you if

23:13

people disagree. One

23:15

of the things for me that I've

23:18

really become clear about is that

23:20

there are a lot of people

23:22

who believe that a woman in

23:24

my position having wealth means I'm

23:27

not a good person. It means

23:29

that I'm greedy and evil and

23:31

out only for myself. And

23:34

so I have to decide like if that

23:36

is something that is really important to me

23:38

that every single person thinks I'm a good

23:40

person, then I should probably have less money

23:42

because maybe they wouldn't think that as much.

23:44

Right? Isn't that crazy? And so I

23:46

have to decide, no. For me, I

23:49

can be a very good person.

23:52

I talk about this a lot in my What's

23:54

Possible book. I can be a

23:56

very good person and a very wealthy

23:58

person. happy person half

24:00

of the time. Those

24:02

things are not mutually exclusive and they're also

24:04

not exclusive. It's not like you have to

24:07

be rich to be happy or you have

24:09

to be wealthy to be happy or you

24:11

have to be wealthy to be a good

24:13

person but it also goes the other way

24:15

too, right? Like you don't have to be

24:17

less rich in order to be a good

24:19

person and so what does

24:22

it mean for you? What is goodness

24:24

mean for you? What do you want it

24:27

to mean and how can you

24:29

live into that that feels like

24:31

freedom even if someone else

24:33

disagrees? Another

24:36

area of my life where I've really had to

24:38

do a lot of work since I was, you

24:40

know, in my 20s was

24:42

saying no and being

24:45

honest about things that I didn't

24:47

want to do and

24:49

that I would tell that

24:51

person no without maybe giving them

24:53

an explanation or giving them an

24:55

honest explanation that I just don't

24:57

want to. Really challenging

25:00

in the beginning to believe that I was

25:02

a good person when I was saying no

25:04

especially I had like I give this example

25:06

a lot where one of my friends had

25:08

asked me to come to a bake sale

25:11

and sell some baked goods for her son for

25:14

a fundraiser that they were having and I said

25:16

no, I'm not gonna do that and she said

25:18

why and I said I just really don't want

25:20

to and that

25:22

was it, right? I told her I

25:25

would give her the money that would be

25:27

made from the bake sale. I'd be happy

25:29

to donate that money but I

25:31

didn't want to come and do the bake sale

25:33

and can you walk away from that especially

25:35

if you're not gonna give the money either?

25:38

Like can you walk away from saying no

25:40

to something that someone needs really

25:42

and that is for another person and still

25:44

be a good person and I think the

25:46

answer is yes. I

25:48

don't think you have to follow the rules

25:51

of what other people think like you should

25:53

volunteer your time at this bake sale in

25:55

order to prove to me that you're a

25:57

good person and if I say no

25:59

and she doesn't think I'm a good person, that

26:01

has to be okay with me, right?

26:04

Because otherwise, I'm lying.

26:06

I'm doing a lot of things that

26:08

I don't want to do against my

26:10

own will and pretending that I'm

26:13

a good quote unquote person when

26:15

that's not my actual truth. My

26:18

definition of a good person is different than

26:20

that. So, that's what you

26:22

have to decide for you. Like, what

26:24

are your values? What do you believe?

26:26

And where do you look to find

26:29

those answers? Can you look inside of

26:31

yourself and feel confident

26:33

that you know who you

26:36

are and you know that by your

26:38

definition, you are good and that is

26:40

good enough. And if other people don't

26:42

think you're a good person because they

26:44

don't like the way that you set

26:46

up your Maui fundraiser, then you can

26:48

still stand in your own goodness and

26:51

know that for yourself. And that requires

26:53

a tremendous amount of

26:55

autonomy and courage and fortitude

26:57

to be your own person.

27:01

One of the things that I think is

27:05

fascinating about humans and human

27:07

nature is that we are definitely group

27:09

oriented, right? So, we like to be

27:11

in groups for safety and we like

27:13

everyone to agree on the same things.

27:15

That's why we like to be in

27:18

groups of people that believe the same

27:20

things and we like to work against

27:22

things we don't think are good together

27:24

and we want to be good. We

27:26

want to all see ourselves as good

27:28

and we want the people around us

27:31

to see us as good. So,

27:33

this is where we can actually get into a lot

27:35

of trouble if you look through history.

27:37

There are groups of people

27:39

who believed in the atrocities

27:42

of what they were doing in

27:44

the world because everyone in their group

27:46

believed that they were good and the

27:49

other people were bad, right?

27:51

And that they were doing good things

27:53

even though in retrospect, we look back

27:55

and we're like how in the world

27:57

did that happen? We see

27:59

it as pure evil but in their

28:01

minds, they could see it as

28:03

them being good, them doing righteous

28:05

things in the world. And

28:08

so, that's why it's so important

28:10

for us even when we're parts

28:12

of groups where everyone agrees on

28:15

something, we have to question is

28:17

this right for me? Do

28:19

I believe that this is good?

28:21

Does this feel like love? Does

28:24

this feel like goodness to me?

28:27

And if it doesn't, we got to go. We

28:29

got to change that. We got to acknowledge

28:31

that in my opinion because I think that

28:33

it's very important to be

28:35

able to look at ourselves and know

28:38

that we are worthy and know that

28:40

we are good by our own definition

28:43

and not necessarily by our

28:45

parents or the people around

28:47

us unless we consent

28:49

to that definition of goodness.

28:53

So as you go through this

28:56

process, as you

28:58

go through questioning who do

29:00

you look for for the

29:02

ultimate approval, I hope

29:05

that you will decide that

29:07

consciously and you won't let it be

29:09

just the group of people that surround you,

29:11

you will let it be you

29:13

based on what you

29:15

know for sure to be true for

29:17

us. And

29:21

then know your why, why you want to be

29:23

good because what will that bring you in your

29:25

life? Being good even by

29:27

your own definition is a challenging task.

29:31

So you want to make sure that there is a

29:33

reward in it for you. And

29:35

I just want to leave you with one kind

29:38

of caveat on this is

29:40

that you are gentle

29:42

with yourself when

29:45

it comes to defining

29:47

your own behavior and

29:49

judging your own character based on it. It's

29:52

important to separate who you are from your

29:54

behaviors because a lot of times you might

29:57

lose your temper or you might

30:00

do something that hurts someone else,

30:02

or you may overeat a bunch

30:05

of food, or you may drink

30:08

too much, or do too many

30:10

drugs, or cheat on someone. You

30:12

may do something that you don't

30:15

define as good, and you may

30:17

feel guilty about that. And I think

30:19

that's a good barometer for you, right? That's

30:21

a good way to put up those guardrails

30:23

and bring you back on track. But

30:26

do not let yourself fall

30:28

into the trap of making

30:30

that evidence that you're not

30:33

a good person. Because if you

30:35

don't think you're a good person, you will perpetuate

30:38

not being a good person, and it

30:40

will make you believe in yourself less and less

30:42

and less, and you will try more and more

30:44

and more to convince other people that you're good

30:46

to try and compensate for that feeling. And

30:48

that will end up leaving you hating

30:50

yourself and pretending. I've been there,

30:53

my friends, and that is not

30:55

worth doing. There

30:58

needs to be space for getting off

31:00

track. There needs to be space for

31:02

mistakes. There needs to be space for

31:04

failure, so we can bring ourselves back,

31:06

realign, and carry on. All right, my

31:08

friends, I hope you have the most

31:10

beautiful week, and I will talk to

31:12

you next week. Take care. Hey,

31:15

if you've ever wanted to work

31:17

with me as your coach, now

31:20

is the time to do

31:22

it. You can join

31:24

me and get coached in

31:26

scholars by going to the

31:29

lifecoachschool.com forward slash join.

31:31

This is going to

31:33

be the best year

31:37

ever. It's your turn to

31:39

change your life.