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You're listening to the Life Coach School Podcast

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with Brooke Castillo. Episode

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number Welcome

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to the Life Coach School Podcast,

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where it's all about real clients, real

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problems, and real coaching.

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And now your host, Master

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Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.

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500 episodes,

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my friends. I am

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celebrating. I was like laying in bed last night thinking

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about this. That's like 500

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weeks. 500 weeks

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of recording a podcast and never missing

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a week. It's wild

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to me that I actually

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did this. And for this episode, what

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I asked Pavel to do was to go back

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through 500 episodes and find

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the best of clips.

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And he did that and it's awesome. And as

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I was listening through the best

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of clips, I listened

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to this one section and you'll hear it in a minute,

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where I talk about the compound effect,

1:05

where

1:05

I talk about recording the podcast

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and the compound effect of that

1:11

weekly consistent

1:13

commitment that I had to record

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it and what results that got me. And

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it's like recording one podcast

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or reporting a podcast for six

1:22

weeks or recording a podcast for a year may

1:24

not give you, and it didn't for me,

1:27

by the way, in the beginning, any huge results.

1:30

But when you consistently show up and consistently

1:32

do your job and consistently produce,

1:34

you end up with this incredible

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asset and this body of work, which

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I now have just in the podcast

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alone. That doesn't even include all

1:44

the other content that I've created, but this is just my

1:46

free content. It's 500

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episodes of content of

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my work that is out there publicly

1:54

in the world. And as

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I have gone through my life, the most

1:59

most significant

2:02

kind of feedback that I have received is on the podcast.

2:05

So many people have listened to the podcast and changed

2:08

their life just listening to it. And

2:10

they recognize me out in the street and they know everything

2:12

about me because they share everything on the podcast

2:15

and have created this community

2:17

of podcast listeners because of that

2:19

consistently showing up and delivering

2:22

for 500 weeks. And

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I love my past self so much for

2:28

doing that for me now to have this level

2:31

of accomplishment. I've been talking about this

2:33

recently on the podcast pretty much for the last year

2:35

on kind of how I've had like

2:37

this reflective milestone

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of my life. I think turning 50, I think

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making $50 million. I

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think having 500 podcast

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episodes, 50 million downloads, like

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all of these touchstones have

2:52

had a huge impact on me in my

2:54

life and really deciding

2:56

and being reflective on myself and

2:58

my identity and who I am

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and been doing this like reinvention

3:03

for those of you who are kind of on that reinvention

3:06

train with me that took the reinvention class. Like

3:08

for me, that class teaching

3:10

that class and doing that

3:12

class myself has completely

3:15

evolved me to this next level

3:17

of where I am. And so sometimes

3:19

when I look back on some of my previous classes

3:22

and some of my previous podcasts, it's

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like with this kind of odd

3:27

feeling of admiration for who I used to

3:29

be and what I ended up accomplishing.

3:32

It's kind of like an out of body experience. It's really

3:34

cool. So I just want

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to thank each and every one of you who have been

3:39

my listeners, who've been part of my community.

3:41

I want to thank my students and my coaches,

3:43

everyone who has given me amazing

3:46

feedback. Those of you who freak

3:48

out if for some reason the podcast isn't uploaded

3:51

on time and you wonder

3:53

what's happened, I love that. I love

3:55

that we have been this consistent. In

3:58

April, it will be 10 years. that

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we have been doing this podcast together.

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And I am very, very

4:06

excited about the future and

4:09

some new announcements that I'm

4:11

about to make over the next couple months

4:13

about some things that I'm doing. And I feel

4:15

like this has given me the foundation to

4:18

be able to take everything

4:20

to that next level. So stay

4:22

tuned. I will be making two major

4:26

announcements coming up over the next couple

4:28

of months. So I'll make sure I put them here on the

4:30

podcast so you're aware of them. And I'll also

4:32

make sure you're on my email list so you can get the details.

4:35

Here you are with the

4:37

best of 500 episodes.

4:42

I wanna take my hat off and bow

4:44

to Pavel who has done him and his team

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who have done every single one

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of my podcast episodes with me for the past 500

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episodes.

4:54

And I

4:55

just recently got to meet him in person. It's

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so crazy that we hadn't met in so

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long and came to Mastermind. And we've

5:02

had this amazing relationship.

5:05

So thank you, Pavel, thank you team

5:08

and everyone on your team that has made

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all of these episodes so

5:14

meaningful to me and to all of the listeners.

5:17

So without further ado, please enjoy

5:20

the best of 500 episodes. Our

5:23

thoughts are what create our feelings.

5:28

And everything you do in your

5:30

life is because you wanna feel a

5:32

certain way. Every single thing

5:35

you do is because you wanna feel

5:37

a certain way. That's just

5:40

really good to know. And

5:42

if your feelings are caused by your

5:44

thoughts and everything you do in your life

5:47

is in order to feel better, wouldn't

5:49

it be important to know what you're thinking?

5:53

It absolutely would. And

5:56

the problem is nobody teaches

5:58

us this. They don't pull us to science. Okay, here's

6:00

the deal. Everything you want in your life is

6:02

because of a feeling. The feeling that you think

6:05

you will have in getting it or

6:07

the feeling you think you will avoid in not getting

6:09

it. So if feelings are the most

6:12

important thing, don't you think they

6:14

should teach us that all of our feelings are

6:16

caused by our thoughts and maybe

6:18

we should learn how to think on purpose so we can

6:20

create the feelings that we want? That would have

6:22

been amazing. I really wish someone would have

6:24

pulled us aside. Freshman year, freshman

6:26

year, the misery of freshman year

6:29

and taught us this very thing. Right

6:34

now, you may have a connection

6:37

in your brain that believes you're

6:39

not good enough. I know for sure I have

6:41

many of these connections in my brain. Some

6:44

days, for example, this morning when I wake

6:46

up, my brain is filtering

6:48

and looking for everything that is

6:50

not good in my life. Everything that

6:53

didn't go well yesterday and everything that's not going to

6:55

go to well today. Really?

6:56

That's what I have to wake up to? That's what

6:58

my brain wants to filter and look for. So

7:00

I have to consciously pay attention to

7:02

what my brain is doing. Like I said many

7:05

times, it's a toddler with a knife, right? It's

7:07

innocently running around not trying to hurt

7:10

anybody but it is and

7:12

so I have to redirect it. I

7:15

have to tell it what to think. I have to practice new thoughts

7:18

and I want to offer that there,

7:20

you know, I have given you some

7:22

tools and how to do this. One of them

7:24

is to do thought downloads with whatever

7:26

is in your brain which means you sit down

7:29

and you write down everything that's in there like

7:31

emptying out a purse and then you proceed

7:33

to run models on a few of those

7:36

thoughts and then create new models of things

7:38

you want to believe. So when

7:40

you decide consciously what

7:43

you want to believe and you practice it

7:45

enough, then it becomes unconscious. It's

7:48

kind of like a three-step process. You

7:50

see what you're currently thinking, you

7:52

change it to what you want to be thinking

7:55

and then you practice what you want

7:57

to be thinking on a regular basis until

7:59

it becomes It becomes unconscious till

8:01

it becomes natural.

8:03

So, what are the ways

8:05

of doing this? So, decide

8:08

first what you want to feel,

8:10

create, and do. Decide

8:13

on the thoughts you need to believe in

8:15

order to create and feel

8:17

and do what it is you want to do. Then

8:19

make a list of those thoughts and you

8:21

have to tune in and check in with those

8:24

thoughts and make sure that they're believable

8:26

and when you read them, they feel good.

8:28

Now, the reason why I say this is sometimes people

8:31

try

8:31

to go from a very negative thought pattern

8:33

to a very positive

8:34

thought pattern and all

8:36

that happens is a lot of negativity.

8:39

So, if you go from, I hate

8:42

my body to I love my body, it's

8:44

beautiful and there are unicorns everywhere.

8:47

You're never going to get to the place where

8:50

you believe that so all you're going to hear is

8:52

no there aren't, no you're not, no there aren't,

8:55

no you're not, right? And so, that's

8:57

what you will be reinforcing, the negative side

8:59

of it. So, I've offered this before,

9:02

you can go from I hate my body to I have a

9:04

body and you can practice that thought until

9:06

you're able to kind of drop into this

9:08

new thought patterning. Then maybe

9:11

you could switch to I have a body with

9:13

the potential to be thin, right? That

9:16

you can believe. Then maybe you move

9:18

to I have a body that is thin and

9:20

you can start believing that even before

9:22

you get there but you have to many

9:24

times go gradually to that place.

9:30

Here are some of my thoughts I

9:33

use to create

9:35

confidence and create the feeling of confidence.

9:38

I know this matters.

9:41

Whenever I'm doing something and I think about

9:44

what I'm doing mattering instead

9:47

of what people will think about me, I drop

9:49

right into a place of confidence.

9:52

I know this will help

9:53

people, takes the focus

9:55

off myself and gives me confidence in helping

9:57

people.

9:58

What they think of me is out of

10:00

my control, releases me

10:03

from thinking thoughts

10:04

about what other people are thinking about me and

10:06

has me focusing just on what

10:08

I can control.

10:09

What I think of me

10:11

matters.

10:12

I matter. What I say matters.

10:15

Who I am matters.

10:19

And I think the thing who I am matters. It's

10:22

like this caveat is it was decided

10:24

by something bigger than you and me. So

10:27

it's kind of like this idea that

10:29

I matter is really

10:31

not something I created. It's

10:34

not something that I decided. It's just something

10:36

that's true and was decided by something

10:38

much bigger than me. And I kind of just put my shoulders up and

10:40

be like, you know what I mean? Like we matter and there's nothing

10:42

we can do about it. Okay. So

10:44

I think that adds a huge sense

10:46

of confidence to that

10:49

deeper knowing and that deeper understanding.

10:52

And it takes us out of that arrogance, right? Because

10:54

it's I matter and you matter.

10:56

Now, why does confidence even matter?

10:58

Why is it something that we should

11:00

strive for and create in our lives?

11:03

And I personally think that

11:05

it's very important because with your

11:07

dreams plus confidence, you create

11:10

the life you're meant to live.

11:11

Your dreams plus self-doubt create

11:13

a lot of resentment.

11:16

And so I think it's very important to

11:18

generate as much confidence as you

11:21

possibly can.

11:22

So confidence will really

11:24

determine the actions you take towards

11:27

the things you want in your life.

11:28

And that's why it matters.

11:33

I think that we

11:35

need to like really consider how

11:38

much we want pleasure

11:40

to be the happiness that we feel.

11:43

And I'm talking about false pleasure, right? Do

11:45

we want to cobble together a bunch of false pleasures

11:47

and call that happiness? Or

11:50

do we want to remove all of those

11:52

things and find a way to

11:55

be happy without them? Is it possible

11:57

now

11:57

if you've been using a lot of pleasure in your life, you

11:59

probably

11:59

won't think it's possible because when you remove all those

12:02

pleasures you go through withdrawal and you probably feel deprived

12:04

and you probably are left with all the emotions that you've been

12:06

unwilling to feel and life feels terrible.

12:08

But on the other side of that when

12:10

you take away all those buffers and you pursue

12:13

well-being this is what happens

12:15

and this is why I can genuinely say my

12:17

life is better now and I'm going to use the example of drinking

12:20

but please just put anything in

12:22

this

12:22

slot that you overdo.

12:25

With drinking I loved drinking

12:27

I would have a glass of wine and I would feel

12:30

that wonderful warm glow in

12:32

my brain and in my body

12:34

that would make me think that the day had just gotten

12:36

tremendously better within the last

12:38

hour even though I'm still sitting in the same spot nothing's

12:41

changed right I've just convinced my

12:43

brain that everything's better now

12:45

and I tried to imagine a life where

12:47

I didn't have that ability

12:49

to drink something and immediately

12:51

have my brain think that

12:53

everything was better.

12:54

I thought that in my imagination was what

12:57

I would be left with if I didn't have the buffer

12:59

would be the feeling of emptiness

13:02

the feeling of loneliness the feeling

13:03

of boredom. I wouldn't ever

13:05

be able to make that better I

13:07

had given myself this false

13:09

idea that the only way to

13:11

change the way I feel after

13:13

a long day is alcohol.

13:16

But what I learned when I stopped drinking

13:18

is that first of all none of those emotions

13:20

need to be eradicated immediately

13:23

it's okay

13:23

to feel unhappy sometimes

13:25

it's not the end of the world and in fact when

13:27

you allow yourself to really feel it you get to know

13:29

yourself in a much deeper way and

13:32

when you get to know yourself in a much deeper way you

13:34

start finding the causes of that unhappiness

13:36

and then you can start to change them

13:38

and what you notice that's very

13:40

different from the false pleasures is

13:43

that it's sustainable so when

13:45

I get pleasure from being able

13:47

to wake up in the morning and not feel icky

13:50

when I get the pleasure

13:51

of being able to sleep all the way through the night

13:53

because I haven't had any alcohol when

13:55

I get the pleasure of feeling totally

13:57

in control of myself because

13:59

I have I haven't had any alcohol. When I get

14:01

the pleasure of being able to put on any

14:04

clothes that I wanna wear and not worry

14:06

that I've gained weight because I'm not buffering, that

14:09

pleasure is ongoing and

14:11

sustaining and actually gets better

14:14

and better and better.

14:15

And that is the pleasure that we

14:18

are meant to experience in our life.

14:20

And I think natural

14:21

pleasures accumulated

14:24

equal happiness. You

14:28

don't

14:28

want to eliminate your negative thinking.

14:31

You want to get good at allowing pain

14:34

to be there. That is where true

14:36

strength comes from is the acceptance

14:38

of that 50%, allowing the negative

14:40

pain to be there and then changing it if

14:43

you are the one creating it, when you are the

14:45

one creating it. So many

14:47

of us compound our pain by

14:49

judging it and resisting it. We think we shouldn't

14:51

be in pain. We shouldn't be doubtful. We shouldn't be

14:53

hating ourselves. We shouldn't be judging

14:56

ourselves. We shouldn't

14:57

be feeling shame. We shouldn't be insecure.

14:59

We shouldn't

14:59

be nervous. We shouldn't be anxious. We

15:01

shouldn't be heartbroken.

15:03

If you could drop all your shoulds

15:05

about your thoughts, you would be free.

15:08

You'd be free to feel negative emotion. You'd

15:10

be free to walk this planet

15:12

in the truth of the 50-50.

15:15

I am heartbroken. I

15:18

am in shame. I

15:21

am in self-doubt. I

15:23

am in insecurity and say

15:26

yes to that as part of the human experience,

15:28

as part of being a human being that has the full

15:31

range of emotions in your life.

15:33

Nobody wants to be happy all the time, I promise

15:35

you. We tell ourselves the story that we want to be

15:37

happy all the time and then we have to be happy about horrible things

15:40

and no one wants to be happy about horrible things and horrible things

15:42

exist. And we want to judge

15:44

those things as horrible, but we don't want to

15:46

judge our emotions as horrible.

15:49

We want to judge our emotions as part

15:51

of the human experience and we need to learn

15:53

how to feel and allow. There

15:57

are too many people suffering right now.

15:59

don't have the tools that we

16:01

can teach them, that we can

16:03

help them, that we can coach them.

16:06

And when we channel our fear and

16:08

our anxiety and our worry into

16:11

our work, we end up

16:13

producing something with that energy

16:16

that serves not just the

16:18

world, but ourselves.

16:21

So you have to take the focus

16:23

of that energy and

16:25

really use your

16:27

mental energy, your mind energy

16:30

to go to work and

16:32

to take the anxiety

16:34

energy, the fear energy, and

16:37

literally transmute it into something

16:39

that helps instead of harms.

16:42

When you think about

16:43

the increased attention

16:46

you can have when you're alert because

16:48

of something, that energy is actually

16:50

very useful. That energy

16:53

can be applied to your

16:55

work, to your business,

16:57

to what we're calling doubling

17:00

your business in three months. What

17:03

I want us to do is be able to utilize

17:05

that 50-50. Do you utilize

17:08

the contrast to

17:10

understand what it is we most want

17:12

right now and

17:14

then funnel our energy and our focus

17:16

into creating solutions and

17:19

answers and contributions instead

17:22

of only focusing on the problem

17:24

and becoming worried or in despair

17:27

or depressed about it, we want to focus

17:29

on solutions to the fear.

17:32

And how can we, once we

17:34

process that fear, provide

17:38

what it is to ourselves that we need

17:40

in order to feel more safe.

17:46

When you don't meet your own expectation,

17:48

the only feeling that you're going

17:51

to

17:51

end up having is based

17:53

on what you decide to think. So

17:55

stay with me. So you set

17:57

out to do something and you have an expectation.

18:00

of the result

18:00

and you miss that expectation. Now,

18:03

at that point, you get to decide what you're

18:05

gonna make that mean. You get to decide

18:07

what you're gonna think about that, right? So

18:10

if you think about that in a way

18:12

that hurts your feelings, right?

18:15

If you think about that in

18:16

a way that's dejecting and disappointing,

18:19

then you're going to experience

18:21

that negative emotion. And so ironically,

18:24

the whole reason you're avoiding failing

18:27

is because you're avoiding something that you have

18:29

complete control over, which is your reaction

18:31

to failing. Are you guys following this? Because

18:33

it's really important. You're avoiding

18:36

something you are in charge of

18:39

and acting like it's happening to you. So

18:41

most people, when I talk to them about failure, will say

18:44

that failure happens to me and

18:46

then I have to experience it. But that's

18:49

not the truth. What really happens is we miss

18:51

our expectation and then we decide

18:54

to make it mean something that hurts. We

18:56

decide to make it mean something that causes

18:59

us a negative emotion.

19:00

The

19:04

process of figuring out why

19:06

you're overeating is also a process of

19:08

becoming more conscious and connected with yourself,

19:10

which is, I think, the

19:11

point of being on the planet, is to really

19:14

connect with who we really are. Is

19:15

it fun all of the time? Absolutely

19:18

not. Is it easy? Is it a quick fix? Absolutely

19:20

not. But it's the permanent fix. Because

19:23

if you can figure out why you're overeating and you can solve

19:25

that dilemma, then you don't

19:27

have to constantly be in a struggle

19:29

against yourself. You don't have to use willpower.

19:31

You don't have to use resistance against

19:34

yourself

19:34

because you aren't fighting the symptoms.

19:36

You're treating the cause.

19:38

But what happens is as you

19:41

stop overeating, all

19:44

the reasons why you were overeating come

19:46

up. Those feelings are gonna come

19:48

up that you are going to have to learn

19:51

how to process and metabolize

19:53

those feelings. That's something that most

19:55

of us who are emotional over eaters do not know

19:57

how to do very well. We know

19:59

how to. run from feelings, we know how to avoid

20:01

them, we know how to react to them, we

20:03

certainly know how to eat through them instead

20:06

of experiencing them.

20:08

Let me tell you the more you are able

20:11

to willingly experience

20:14

any emotion that you're presented with

20:16

and not react to it, the

20:19

more closely you are going to be

20:21

at your natural weight.

20:23

Let me add something here though because I think this

20:26

is something that's really important.

20:29

Your natural weight may

20:31

not look like Jennifer Aniston's

20:33

natural weight.

20:34

Your natural weight may not look like

20:37

a Victoria Secret weight

20:39

and it's really important that you recognize

20:41

that all of us have different size

20:44

bodies, all of us have different

20:46

natural weights. We can change

20:49

what our bodies look like by how much

20:50

we work out, how often

20:53

we lift weights, you know that literally

20:55

can change

20:55

the composition of your body

20:58

but only to a certain extent

21:01

and at some point there really

21:03

has to be a recognition that

21:05

this is the body

21:06

that you were gifted.

21:09

Yes gifted, this is your

21:11

gift

21:12

and you've been rejecting the

21:14

gift and trying to change it and beating

21:16

the hell out of it and if you

21:18

can see it as this is the

21:21

body you are meant to be on the

21:23

planet in, this

21:24

is the one,

21:26

you can adjust it

21:27

based on your behavior, based on how much you eat,

21:29

based on how much you work out but at the end

21:32

of the day this is the one

21:33

and if you are waiting to

21:36

actively accept your body until

21:39

it looks like

21:40

a different version of you, you

21:42

are going to be rejecting yourself

21:44

the rest of your life. When

21:48

you're calendaring your time to produce

21:51

something you need to have a result when

21:53

you're done, not just time

21:55

spent. Think about this you guys,

21:58

when I put something on my calendar For

22:00

example, I need to create a podcast.

22:03

I need to get it recorded

22:05

and I'm giving myself one hour to

22:08

record the podcast. Now, how long

22:10

does it take to record a podcast? People

22:13

say, I don't know how long it's gonna take me. I

22:15

know exactly how long it's gonna take me. It's gonna

22:17

take me exactly as long as I give myself

22:19

to get it done. Would I like to

22:22

have three hours to record the podcast? Sure,

22:24

that would be great. Right, I'd like to have four

22:26

days to record it. If I give myself four

22:28

days, that's how long it's gonna

22:29

take. But I will tell you, when you give

22:32

yourself a short amount of time to

22:33

produce a result,

22:35

it's much more energizing and enjoyable.

22:38

You do not indulge in stress. You

22:40

do not indulge in confusion. You do

22:42

not check your Facebook. You

22:45

do not turn on the TV. You

22:47

do not have time to do any of that stuff. You

22:49

have one hour, sit down and get the podcast

22:51

done. So you sit down and you get it done.

22:54

And you're very focused because

22:56

there's that timer going.

22:58

It changes everything.

23:00

It takes me exactly one hour

23:02

to produce one podcast every

23:04

single time. Well, how can that be? Some podcasts

23:07

are longer, some podcasts are shorter. I

23:09

always give myself the same amount of time

23:11

to produce the result that I want

23:14

to produce. And you can do that in your

23:16

life. Now, people will say, oh, I like to

23:18

be more spontaneous. I like to flow.

23:21

I like to let myself be creative.

23:23

When I hear people say that and I ask

23:26

them what their production is like, it's

23:28

always very low. Because when you rely

23:31

on your brain, it's gonna seek comfort

23:33

and pleasure and avoid pain. But

23:36

when you give yourself a timeframe, your

23:38

alertness goes up, your focus goes up,

23:41

your productivity goes up.

23:43

So here are the best emotions

23:46

that you

23:46

need to generate in order to be

23:48

productive.

23:50

You want to feel efficient.

23:53

I love this as an emotion,

23:56

right? People use it as a quality to describe

23:58

someone

23:58

else, but it's a feeling.

23:59

Have you ever been in a situation where

24:02

you feel efficient, you're getting so much done

24:04

in such a short amount of time?

24:06

There's minimum wasted effort.

24:09

And if you think about what

24:11

you are asking yourself to produce

24:14

when it takes an extra long time,

24:16

it's because there's a lot of

24:17

wasted effort. Most

24:19

wasted effort comes from

24:21

allowing yourself to indulge

24:22

in worry and confusion. I'm

24:25

telling you, that is the biggest time suck.

24:27

You want to feel focused. You're

24:29

paying particular attention

24:32

to one thing and you're super

24:34

constrained on it. And

24:36

you want to feel

24:38

clear.

24:39

Feeling clear doesn't mean that

24:41

the material is clear. It doesn't mean

24:43

that the goal is perfectly

24:46

clear exactly how you're supposed to get something done.

24:49

But you feel clear

24:51

and every time something comes

24:53

up that's a challenge, instead of indulging in

24:55

confusion, you stay in clarity. You

24:57

focus on the solution.

25:02

What's interesting

25:04

about the victim mentality is it can make

25:06

people

25:06

act crazy and controlling.

25:07

And that doesn't seem

25:10

like a victim mentality. It seems like they're

25:12

yelling and screaming and controlling. But underneath

25:14

that is that immense fear of

25:16

feeling any emotion, any negative

25:18

emotion.

25:19

Vulnerability is the opposite. It's like bring

25:22

it on. I'm willing to put myself

25:24

into really intense,

25:27

wonderful,

25:27

risk taking, life

25:30

altering situations because

25:32

I am willing to feel

25:34

any emotion. We're

25:37

willing to expose ourselves

25:39

to our emotions without

25:42

defense, without avoiding,

25:45

without hiding. If you're

25:47

able to hear someone's feedback, hear

25:50

someone's opinion, hear something

25:52

that they're saying without being

25:54

defensive, that is the deepest

25:56

form of intimacy. And that is true

25:59

not only with evidence.

25:59

people that you love in your life but

26:02

also with yourself. When you can

26:04

hear your own opinion

26:05

of yourself without getting defensive

26:07

and without starting a battle,

26:09

that's vulnerability. That is where

26:12

so much strength lies

26:15

because

26:15

think about it, if I am willing

26:17

to sit across from you at a table

26:20

and hear your opinion of me,

26:22

whether it be good or bad,

26:24

that's a very vulnerable position

26:26

especially if I'm not going to defend

26:29

myself or attack you, I'm

26:31

just going to

26:31

be in that space. That requires

26:34

so much strength and what

26:36

that person says to me

26:39

may bring up a lot of my emotion

26:41

and if I can take responsibility for

26:43

being the creator of that emotion because

26:46

my thinking is creating that, whether

26:48

I'm believing them or not, is

26:50

creating that emotion, then I

26:52

am in the power position and

26:55

not only that, I

26:56

can engage with that person and connect

26:59

with that person no matter what

27:01

and that's where that unconditional love

27:03

comes in and that's where that

27:05

intimacy comes in between two people.

27:08

It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

27:11

It is the opposite of the

27:13

victim mentality

27:14

which in that situation

27:16

would go to blame. Let's

27:20

talk about completion versus

27:22

failure. Let's talk about throwing

27:25

things away. Let's talk about ending

27:27

relationships from a place of completion

27:29

instead of feeling like they

27:30

were failed.

27:32

I've watched people do this in divorces and make such

27:35

a huge difference and they feel like I love you but

27:37

this relationship is complete. This relationship

27:39

has fulfilled me to

27:42

the maximum amount that I can be

27:44

fulfilled within this relationship and

27:46

I love you and goodbye versus

27:49

creating a huge fight about it.

27:52

I think that it's really important to complete

27:55

relationships instead of just

27:57

letting them fade away, having conversations.

27:59

and

28:01

meaningful decisions about

28:03

relationships and where you want them to go and

28:05

the forms you want them to take instead of

28:08

simply deleting people

28:09

from your life or avoiding people in your

28:11

life. And I'm talking about relationships with

28:13

things. I'm talking about relationships with thoughts,

28:16

with beliefs, and with people.

28:19

Everything can have its season

28:21

and then you can let it go.

28:25

Goodbyes can feel loving and good

28:27

and they don't have to be filled with

28:29

conflict.

28:31

So here is the process I wanna give

28:33

you.

28:34

It's simple and

28:35

it's clear and it's very

28:37

challenging to learn how to do.

28:40

First, you wanna take an inventory

28:43

of what you currently have, become

28:45

aware.

28:46

I want you guys to do this with

28:49

things in your life, with things in your cupboards,

28:51

with your bathroom

28:53

drawers, with

28:55

your friendships,

28:57

with your lovers, with the people

28:59

that are coming over, with everything,

29:01

right? The habits in your life. Take an inventory

29:04

and become aware of it. Make a list. Pick

29:06

a category and make a list. All the

29:08

things that you

29:09

have in your office, all the things that you have in your drawers.

29:12

And go through and decide on

29:14

purpose if you want to say goodbye. And

29:16

remember the way that you do that. Would I buy

29:18

it again? Do I love this?

29:21

Do I want it? Is it serving

29:23

me?

29:24

Is it outdated? Is

29:27

it something you used to love, that used

29:29

to

29:29

serve you and it no longer is? Ask

29:31

yourself, why are you the way

29:34

you are?

29:38

Why do you have certain people in your life?

29:40

Why do you have the job you have? Why do you dress

29:42

the way you dress? Why do you have the car you have?

29:46

Why do you have all of it? Like ask yourself,

29:48

how are you running?

29:49

Are you following your heart and your true desires

29:52

and moving towards your North star? Or

29:55

have you been an actor

29:57

in someone else's play?

29:59

Have you been?

29:59

an apple when you really are a peach.

30:02

And if you find out the answer is yes, I don't

30:04

want you to go changing your whole life. You don't need

30:07

to do that. You just need to tell yourself

30:09

the truth.

30:10

And changes will come from that organic, slow,

30:13

loving process place.

30:15

And the last piece of this is

30:18

the truth that you get to decide

30:20

who you want to be

30:23

in this world. Your worthiness

30:26

cannot change.

30:28

You cannot get more. You

30:31

can't find more worthiness. You

30:33

can't be more of you. You've

30:35

always just been 100%.

30:38

You may not be recognizing it. You

30:40

may not be showing up for it. But it

30:42

has always been at the same level.

30:45

Your whole life, your worthiness has

30:47

been.

30:48

Who you are is already complete.

30:51

It's already perfect. You just haven't

30:53

noticed.

30:54

You haven't listened. You haven't paid

30:56

attention to that

30:57

specific imprint that is only you

30:59

and honored it with the truth,

31:02

honored it with action, honored it with showing

31:05

the world that so you can see it reflected

31:07

back.

31:08

The reason we're on this planet

31:11

is to play with who we really are

31:14

in relation to the planet. The

31:16

point is not to hide it away, to hide

31:19

your spirit away, to hide that part of you away.

31:22

The reason I think we're here is

31:24

to display it, to show it, to let

31:26

it have an effect. And

31:28

you won't know the effect of you on the world

31:31

if you're lying to yourself about

31:33

who

31:33

you really are. It's

31:37

very important

31:39

when you make decisions,

31:41

and this is something that I highly recommend

31:44

for everyone, that

31:46

you

31:46

process the emotion

31:49

of quitting

31:49

or leaving or changing before

31:54

you leave as much as possible.

31:58

So a lot of times, we're not going to be able to do that. When we're

32:00

impulsive, we'll quit something or change

32:02

something in the moment in

32:05

order to get away quickly

32:07

and then we end up processing

32:09

the emotion afterward. We end

32:11

up going through the pain of

32:13

the decision that we've already made after

32:16

we've made the decision. And what I

32:18

want to recommend is that you make the

32:20

decision out in the future. You say, I'm going

32:23

to quit my job in 90 days

32:25

or I'm going to change my career or

32:27

sell my business or leave my relationship

32:30

or change the format

32:32

of my relationship with someone. I'm going to do

32:35

it in 90 days. And

32:37

as you've already made the decision, you've already

32:39

committed to the timeframe, it gives you

32:42

time and the people involved

32:44

time to process the

32:46

emotion of it before

32:49

it actually happens. And

32:51

I have found this to be the kindest way to

32:54

go through the world. Now it doesn't

32:56

mean that you won't have additional emotion

32:58

after you actually move out

33:01

of the company building or you

33:03

move out of the house in terms of the relationship.

33:06

It doesn't mean that you won't have additional emotions.

33:08

But when you decide ahead of

33:10

time to put the

33:12

decision out there in the future a little bit, it gives

33:15

you time to process. And I

33:17

know for me, processing

33:19

emotion all the way through oftentimes comes

33:21

in waves. And so being able

33:23

to

33:24

allow a wave of it to come and process

33:26

it through and then another one to process it

33:28

through and to have really meaningful

33:31

and beautiful conversations with the people involved

33:34

as you're kind of letting go slowly

33:36

can make it so it's so

33:38

much easier to leave

33:40

with love and growth and commitment.

33:45

I talked a lot about this

33:47

belief system that I had that if I became too

33:49

big in my life,

33:50

if I became too successful, if

33:52

I was just really outwardly

33:55

how I felt inwardly in terms of

33:57

big,

33:58

that I would have no friends.

34:00

because it was so over the top that it turned

34:02

people off and it turned off

34:04

people that I wanted to be friends with when I was

34:06

younger

34:06

and they were just a year a little much. And

34:08

I remember as I got older, going

34:11

in with groups of people and they're saying

34:13

like, yeah, she's a little over the top. She's

34:16

a little aggressive, she talks a lot.

34:19

She's always talking about dreams and goals

34:21

and she's just so intense. All

34:24

the things that I truly am. And

34:26

so I found myself so

34:29

many times like dumbing myself down, quieting

34:32

myself down, being what Martha Beck

34:34

would call Brooke light, like

34:37

a lighter version of myself that was more

34:40

acceptable to other people. So their opinion

34:42

of me would be more

34:44

accepting.

34:45

And what happened when I did that and so

34:48

many of you guys are doing this, was that

34:50

I stopped liking me because I

34:52

wasn't being genuine, I wasn't being authentic.

34:55

And when people liked me, I

34:57

knew they didn't really know me.

34:59

I knew they really didn't like me for who I

35:02

am.

35:04

And I will say, as I have grown,

35:06

as my business has grown, as

35:09

I've really

35:10

started to be

35:11

who I am with no apology

35:13

and create the

35:14

business in the life that I want, I

35:17

have for sure

35:19

turned people off, quote unquote.

35:22

And they have decided to have an opinion

35:24

of me. That isn't favorable.

35:26

And that's totally okay with

35:28

me now. And I made a decision

35:31

that it's okay for people to be wrong

35:33

about me and have opinions

35:35

of me that aren't based in reality.

35:38

And so I think that at

35:40

some point you have to decide

35:43

whose opinion matters the

35:45

most

35:46

in your life.

35:48

Who is it that you

35:51

want to answer to?

35:53

People are going to look at you

35:56

and

35:56

judge you,

35:57

period.

35:59

People are gonna judge you.

35:59

you because of the

36:01

way you look, because of your hair color, because

36:03

of your eye color, because of your weight, because

36:05

of the color of your skin, because of the clothes

36:07

you wear, because of the car you drive,

36:10

the stories you tell, the lipstick

36:12

you wear, all of it.

36:15

There is nothing that anybody

36:18

can do about it.

36:20

So if you let it go and then you

36:22

just ask you if you're

36:24

all in with your own opinion of you, do

36:26

you like the car you drive, the clothes you wear, what

36:29

you do, what is your opinion of you, and if

36:31

you like it,

36:33

that's all you need. Have

36:35

your own back. Here's

36:39

the deal. Most of us think we get paid for

36:41

our hours, we get paid by the year, and there's

36:44

a maximum amount that most of us can make based

36:46

on our education.

36:48

What is that number you have in your mind?

36:50

75,000, 100,000?

36:53

Most people are about at that point.

36:55

They think about money as, this is the

36:58

maximum amount I'll be able to make in a year, and

37:00

I have to go to someone else to

37:01

pay me that, and hopefully they'll pay

37:03

me what I'm worth.

37:04

And if you believe that, you will get stuck in that

37:06

rut.

37:07

But if you allow yourself to

37:10

let go of, maybe

37:12

there's not a limited amount of money that we all

37:14

need to grab from that same pie, maybe

37:17

I can create my own wealth

37:20

by creating my

37:22

own value and offering

37:24

it to the world. And that doesn't

37:26

mean you have to come up with the iPhone, and that doesn't

37:28

mean you have to have a talk show, and it doesn't mean you

37:30

have to be the best investor in the world. All

37:33

it means is that you are going to

37:35

be the best version of yourself

37:37

you can possibly be and create

37:40

as much service to the world as you could possibly

37:42

do, for

37:43

the sake of how amazing you will

37:46

feel.

37:47

And you have to not only create

37:49

the value, not only create the service,

37:52

but then be open to receiving.

37:54

Earning is not just about

37:56

creating value,

37:57

it's about being open to receive.

38:00

money.

38:01

Be open to receive

38:02

payment and not think that that's a bad

38:04

thing, not think that's a negative thing, not think that

38:06

you're taking from somebody else, but that

38:08

you're building more and more abundance

38:10

in your own life to be able to give more and

38:13

more, to be an example

38:14

of what is possible when you serve the world.

38:17

Again, service is

38:19

just being the best version of yourself.

38:21

It doesn't mean that you're helping the homeless. It

38:23

doesn't mean that you're going out and

38:25

helping people that are in desperate

38:27

need.

38:28

I mean, look at the iPhone. We weren't in desperate

38:30

need of the iPhone. Now

38:32

we are. If we don't have one, if our

38:35

battery is dead, we're like, oh my God, how did I ever

38:37

live without an iPhone? So you

38:39

have to trust your own guidance

38:40

to take you to the place. You have to stop

38:42

buffering and clean up your mind and not be responding

38:45

to negative emotion to be able to access what

38:47

you have that's of value. And

38:49

every single one of us has

38:51

something

38:52

that's of value.

38:56

So many of us, when

38:58

we save a bunch of money or earn a bunch of money, we

39:00

become dependent on it to take care of us,

39:02

right? That's what retirement's about, saving

39:05

all this money so later our money can take

39:07

care of us. We can be kind of our money's

39:09

dependent. And I never wanted that to be true

39:11

for me. And so at a

39:13

very young age, what I learned was

39:16

that I wanted to depend on myself

39:18

and my ability to create value

39:21

because my ability to create value

39:24

will produce money. And so

39:26

I can produce money with my mind. Now,

39:28

the reason why that is so powerful

39:30

and so important to remember is

39:33

that the only thing I really

39:36

ever needed to depend on was me.

39:39

And, and I think this is even the more

39:41

important part, it was much

39:44

more important for me to invest

39:46

in my mind than it was

39:48

for me to invest in a savings account

39:51

or 401k or in the stock market.

39:55

If I had money to invest,

39:58

I typically invested it into my mind.

39:59

my mind. And I'll

40:02

tell you how much freedom

40:04

that gives me because

40:07

I know at any point someone

40:09

can take away all of the money that we've

40:11

saved or any of the money that we've earned

40:14

or any of the things

40:16

that I've used money to buy and I

40:19

still have that ability

40:21

to make money because

40:24

I have my mind. That is

40:26

my most important asset, by

40:28

far my most important

40:32

asset. And so instead

40:34

of focusing on something outside

40:36

of myself as my most important

40:39

asset like my

40:40

house or my car

40:43

or my rich husband or

40:45

my job

40:45

or my business, I

40:47

focus only on my mind and

40:49

I take care of that mind of mine like

40:52

it is the most important asset and I invest

40:54

in it.

40:54

I'm always

40:56

studying and reading and coaching

40:58

myself and cleaning up my mind

41:00

of thinking and thoughts and focusing on what

41:02

I believe and staying really positive and

41:04

trying to stay really educated. That

41:07

has been the secret to creating

41:09

value in the world.

41:13

That has been the secret

41:15

for me to create money.

41:17

So here's what's beautiful

41:19

about this philosophy. If

41:22

I know that creating value

41:24

for other people is what will

41:26

provide me with money, then I can

41:30

focus on only

41:32

creating value with

41:34

my mind.

41:35

So I take care of that asset and

41:37

then I focus on creating value for the world.

41:40

That is my number one focus.

41:43

Now money will come from that,

41:45

but that is the secondary

41:47

byproduct of creating

41:49

value

41:50

in the world. And creating value in the world

41:53

is the most amazing thing any

41:55

of us can do.

41:57

It feels the best. It's the most

41:59

exciting.

41:59

It's the most connecting.

42:02

It's the most evolving.

42:07

When I first wanted to become a coach, there

42:10

was no such thing really yet as

42:12

life coaches. It wasn't like a viable

42:14

career that people were doing and then it was

42:17

an obvious thing that you could make money at.

42:19

And the people around me were kind of questioning

42:21

like what I was doing and whether it made

42:23

sense.

42:25

And especially when at first it wasn't working

42:27

and I wasn't making as much money as I'd wanted

42:29

to and I was putting a lot of money in

42:31

and not getting a lot of money out,

42:33

I believed anyway. And I believed

42:36

because I wanted

42:38

my life to be about

42:41

self-help. I wanted to believe

42:43

that I could have anything I wanted to

42:45

have in my life and do anything I wanted to

42:47

do. I wanted to believe that so

42:49

fiercely that I made

42:51

it true.

42:52

That's what I wanted.

42:53

And so when a lot of the evidence

42:55

in the beginning wasn't serving that, I

42:58

kept telling everyone just be patient, take

43:00

notes, watch how it's done. I'm going to blaze the trail here.

43:03

At the time,

43:05

I didn't have anything propping up

43:07

that belief for me. I wasn't like, oh,

43:09

I know a secret or oh, I'm going to figure

43:11

this out.

43:13

What I did know is that

43:15

I had read a self-help book and it

43:17

had changed my life forever.

43:19

And I knew that I could provide

43:21

that same change for other people.

43:24

I didn't know how, but I believed that

43:26

it was possible and I believed that it was the purpose of

43:28

my life.

43:29

And so I committed to doing

43:32

that no matter what

43:34

happened.

43:35

I stayed focused on that and there were

43:37

bumps in the road and I went through doubt,

43:40

but I always came back to that belief.

43:42

And when I accomplished that

43:44

for myself, then of course, that

43:46

was my new

43:47

before stick figure

43:49

and I had a new after.

43:51

Because here's the thing, when you live your before,

43:54

right,

43:55

when you change your before and you

43:57

start living the after, created

44:00

the result for it, by the time you create the result for

44:02

it, you've been living that identity so

44:04

long that it feels normal. So like for

44:07

me, I've been living in the identity of

44:09

a woman, a business woman who creates

44:12

$100 million a year. I'm living

44:14

that right now. Now I don't have that on my bank account

44:16

yet, but when I do, it will seem

44:18

obvious because I'm already living

44:21

that person now. I'm already believing

44:23

that so hard now that

44:26

when the reality is there,

44:28

it will be like, of course,

44:30

that is the obvious result.

44:32

So that's what I'm inviting you guys to

44:34

do. I'm inviting you to

44:37

believe in something that

44:39

maybe isn't reasonable,

44:41

that maybe is impossible at this time

44:44

for you, that maybe there is no

44:46

evidence for, maybe that nobody

44:49

else believes in. And when you first

44:51

think about it, it might feel scary

44:53

to believe in something like that. It might feel

44:55

scary to put that stake in the ground because

44:58

what if you fail? But

45:00

here's what I want you to remember. It's

45:02

much more important what you

45:04

commit to believing

45:06

than whether you achieve it or not.

45:10

Most of us are

45:12

waiting

45:12

for the big win.

45:14

We're waiting for the lottery.

45:17

We're waiting for the book deal. We're

45:19

waiting to get discovered. We're

45:22

waiting for the agent to discover

45:24

us and then to have this big, huge win.

45:27

And fortunately, that is

45:29

not how it works. Fortunately,

45:32

the way that we create an effect

45:34

in our life is by showing

45:37

up on a Wednesday at 2

45:39

o'clock

45:40

and getting to work

45:42

and trading the

45:44

instant reward

45:46

for the compound reward, trading

45:49

the instant effect

45:52

for the compound effect. Because here's the deal. I'm

45:54

not going to get any applause for recording this today.

45:57

Nobody's going to thank me. No one's going to tell me.

45:59

what a good job I did. No

46:01

one's gonna even know. I'm

46:03

gonna turn off this recording and

46:06

the only person I'll know is Pavel, if

46:08

he happens to look at his computer today, that I've

46:10

recorded an episode.

46:12

I'm not gonna tell anyone, right? I'm

46:14

just gonna show up and do it.

46:16

But because I do

46:18

that every week

46:19

and that adds up and adds up and

46:21

adds up, now I have one

46:23

of the top

46:24

rated podcasts on iTunes.

46:27

Now I have so

46:30

much content that

46:33

changes so many people's

46:35

lives

46:36

because of all these Wednesdays,

46:39

because of all these Tuesdays,

46:41

where I've just sit in my chair, I

46:43

pull out my notes that I've prepared, and

46:46

I go to work.

46:47

And I want you guys to remember

46:49

that the big wins

46:51

are made above the little wins

46:54

and the big quits are made

46:56

up of the little quits.

46:58

The little decisions that

47:01

we make every day will eventually

47:03

add up to an effect,

47:06

to a compound effect.

47:07

If you have a bite of a cookie

47:09

every day, that will add up.

47:12

If you skip the bite of the

47:14

cookie every day, that will add up.

47:16

Will you notice it on the scale the next day? No.

47:19

Will you notice it on the scale that week? Probably

47:21

not. But the compound effect

47:24

of skipping the bite of the cookie every

47:26

single day for a year will be significant.

47:29

Now here's where that becomes a problem.

47:31

You may not realize why

47:34

you're getting the effect that you're getting

47:36

if you don't pay attention to

47:39

the compound effect.

47:41

If you don't pay attention to how

47:43

doing something begets you doing

47:45

something, begets you doing something, which

47:48

ultimately creates that result.

47:51

These little insignificant

47:53

daily choices

47:55

aren't necessarily enjoyed in the

47:57

moment.

47:58

I won't have a

47:59

a deep sense of satisfaction

48:02

after I record this, although I will be pretty satisfied,

48:04

but I won't have a deep sense of it.

48:07

What will happen is someone will write me an email

48:09

and I'll receive it next week, and they'll say, I've been

48:11

listening to your podcast for a year and my

48:14

life is unrecognizable and it's totally

48:16

different.

48:18

Now,

48:18

that person won't write me that letter because

48:20

I recorded this podcast,

48:23

but that person will write me that letter because

48:24

I've recorded all of the podcasts.

48:27

I've shown up and done it. I've

48:29

done the thing that was just as

48:31

easy not to do that didn't

48:34

seem significant in the moment. The

48:36

bite of the cookie doesn't seem significant.

48:39

The connecting with my kids

48:42

every day when they were toddlers

48:46

did not seem significant, my friends.

48:49

It was hard, right?

48:51

The recording of the podcast when I'm already a couple

48:53

head doesn't seem significant.

48:55

It's the little decisions that we make every

48:57

single day that turn into the

49:00

biggest successes. I am living

49:02

proof of it, and every other person that

49:04

you see that is super successful

49:06

in their life, you can trace it back to the compound

49:08

effect of what the little choices

49:11

they've been making throughout their life that

49:13

have added up to one big success.

49:16

Hey,

49:16

if you enjoy listening to this podcast,

49:19

you have to come

49:20

check out Self-Coaching Scholars.

49:23

It's my monthly coaching program where

49:25

we take all this material and we apply

49:28

it. We take it to the next level

49:30

and we study it. Join

49:32

me over at thelifecoachschool.com

49:35

forward slash

49:36

join. Make

49:38

sure you type in the the, T-H-E,

49:41

lifecoachschool.com

49:43

forward slash join. I'd

49:45

love to have you join me in Self-Coaching Scholars.

49:49

See you there.