SAN FRANCISCO AT SAN DIEGO -9

Alex Smith is an upgrade over Troy Smith, I guess. And the running game doesn’t seem to be suffering too greatly. I guess. Pardon my skepticism, for I think they still really suck. The Chargers have had their fair share of disappointing outings – especially in the absence of Antonio Gates and one or many of his main wide receivers – but they’re honestly just a better team. I don’t quite believe the Chargers > Chiefs talk, but they are in pretty decent shape. Even Ryan Mathews impressed last week, and if they can maintain some kind of consistent ground game, it should be a rout. – AUSTIN

AUSTIN: ChargersSKINNER: ChargersJON BURR: Chargers win and coverKANSAS CITY AT ST LOUIS (NO LINE)

This game has me spooked. All signs point to the Brody Croyle era being over, but all it would take is a few popped stitches and the Chiefs are back to bollocks, yet again. Not since Houdini has an appendectomy cost so many, so much. If Cassel returns to form, I expect the Chiefs to be able to diversify their offense enough to take care of the inexplicably relevant Rams, but this is as good an opportunity for the Rams to solidify their playoff hopes as they are going to get, outside of their woeful division. I also remember when our esteemed producer Rusty had an appendectomy, and all the bedrest and pornography in the world couldn’t put Rusty back together within two weeks, so I’m advising my sporting brethren to STAY AWAY from this one. – JON BURR

AUSTIN: ChiefsSKINNER: ChiefsJON BURR: ChiefsHOUSTON AT TENNESSEE -1.5

The Texans are arguably the best of the “bad” teams. They’ve got arguably the NFL’s best/most versatile running back, one of the NFL’s top receivers, and a QB capable of occasional dominance. Their defense, however, has held them back in epic fashion. And now, their stud DE Mario Williams has landed in I.R. For the Titans, this game represents a chance to get back in the fans’ good graces after 6 consecutive ugly losses by beating a team who (quite literally) kicked the Titans’ ass last time they faced one another. The Titans’ receivers are clearly talented enough to burn an already charred Texans’ secondary, it remains to be seen if Kerry Collins can get the ball far enough down the field to be of any consequence. Chris Johnson’s success is also a huge factor, as always. However, Houston seems to have figured out how to be more consistent on offense of late, and the defense hasn’t been AS putrid. Texans win, but barely. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: TexansSKINNER: TexansJON BURR: Texans win outrightJACKSONVILLE AT INDIANAPOLIS -5

The Colts are quite literally on the brink of elimination. Therefore, I cannot imagine that Manning will revert to his three-interceptions-per-game form. Or was it four interceptions? Either way, when it’s all on the line and there are seconds to go in the 10th round with runners on first and third, Peyton Manning is the man I want at the helm. I’ve been proved wrong several times by the Jaguars, and I’m willing to accept that they are legitimately good. They are, though, terribly lucky. They’ll have a sporting chance if they can keep Manning off the field – and with MJD in FTW mode, they can – but there’s still no reason to think Manning will be stopped. – AUSTIN

AUSTIN: ColtsSKINNER: ColtsJON BURR: Colts win and coverARIZONA AT CAROLINA -2.5

Only the Cards could come off of their biggest win margin of the season and still be underdogs to lowly Carolina. Clearly, Vegas believes in Red Skelton about as much as it did Max Hall. And, yet, here I sit, in the face of the spread, homefield advantage, and the advice of The Football Outsiders, thinking that the Cards continue their winning ways. Picking a winner from this duo really is like sticking your hand into a toilet; you know you’re getting a turd. I just think Arizona is slightly less malodorous this week. – JON BURR

AUSTIN: PanthersSKINNER: PanthersJON BURR: Cardinals win outrightCLEVELAND AT CINCINNATI -1.5

The Battle For Ohio has hysterically not sold out and will be blacked out in the only area where anyone cares who wins. Luckily for Cleveland, Colt McCoy returns and Jake Delhomme returns to exile, where he belongs. Cincy has been somewhat unlucky this season but they’ve made up for it by playing stupidly. Take note of the encroachment penalty against New Orleans when every guy at home holding a beer with wing sauce on his neck knew the Saints weren’t going to run a play and were only trying to draw Cincy offsides. Take Palmer’s multiple pick-sixes. Consider who plays receiver for those dudes. They just aren’t a heady team, and if Cleveland has anything going for them, it’s that they seem like a smart team (sans Delhomme) who is smartly coached. The Bengals reside in the toilet for a reason, and shouldn’t this vet-laden team just phone it in at this point? I think they shall. Browns, y’all. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: BrownsSKINNER: BrownsJON BURR: Browns win outrightBUFFALO AT MIAMI -5.5

Of all the teams in the NFL, I feel like I’ve been wrong about these two teams most. Not that they’ve won in the face of my skepticism. It’s that they perform admirably when I pick them to lose and they look like dog shit when I pick them to win. I feel pretty comfortable here, though, saying that the Dolphins will win, and they will do so emphatically. Lee Evans’ injury means more Vontae-on-Joker action, and the Dolphins have been solid enough against the run all season to negate Fred Jackson. Don’t get me wrong, Henne is shit. Like Delhomme-level shit. But he’s not so shit that he’ll cost them here. – AUSTIN

AUSTIN: DolphinsSKINNER: DolphinsJON BURR: Dolphins win and coverPHILADELPHIA AT NEW YORK GIANTS -3

I may have been forced to go bobbing for turds earlier with Cards/Panthers, but it seems fate has rewarded me with this gem. Waitasec, this is no reward! How is one to pick between these two teams, which are, to my eye, the cream of the conference?! I think injuries are going to play an even larger part than usual in this game, as Stewart Bradley and Asante Samuel are banged up for the Eagles and pretty much everyone in the Giants’ receiving corps not named Hakeem is out. If either team is able to feast on the other’s exposed entrails, I expect a large margin of victory. These are two teams that are wildly inconsistent, in every respect but one: when they win, they put up boatloads of points, often blowing the other squad out. I’ll be the contrarian and say that the G-Men can put some hits on Vick and keep the Bradshaw/Jacobs Express on track. – JON BURR

AUSTIN: EaglesSKINNER: EaglesJON BURR: Giants win and coverWASHINGTON AT DALLAS -6

I have an Arnazment to make! These teams suck, yet this game will probably be broadcast over 67% of America! And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse for the Redskins, it turns out your coach is not a lizard after all. He’s a SNAKE! Surely only a serpentine devil man would choose to destroy the fans’ last chance for any redemption (a victory over the hated AMERICA’S TEAM) by benching their newly-acquired star QB for REX FUCKING GROSSMAN. Clearly, Shanahan is committing team (or career) suicide here. There can’t be a constructive element to this. If the Skins had an unproven young QB in waiting, perhaps this would make some sense, but REX FUCKING GROSSMAN!? Ugh. I am so sorry, Skins fans. The slightly rejuvenated Cowboys are going to destroy you and your not-ready-for-the-UFL roster. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: CowboysSKINNER: CowboysJON BURR: Cowboys win, but take the pointsDETROIT AT TAMPA BAY -6

‘Tis a poor, dilapidated defense in Tampa. Poor enough, I believe, to make Drew Stanton look like a real Shaun Hill. And Shaun Hill lost a whole lot of games. The Lions aren’t a talentless lot, and they deserve a lot of credit for it. I am, though, a believer in Josh Freeman. Less so about LeGarette Blount, but in the bits and pieces I saw of the Washington game, Cadillac wasn’t completely worthless. All this adds up to a fairly comfortable victory in front of a very enthusiastic if not completely full stadium of Tampites. Tampons. I guess it’s Tampianans, strangely. In trying to find the answer, I discovered a very funny joke. Natives of Tampa are called Tampons because the Bucs are only good for one period. Thankfully, this year that period is the fourth quarter. – AUSTIN

AUSTIN: BuccaneersSKINNER: BuccaneersJON BURR: Buccaneers win and coverNEW ORLEANS AT BALTIMORE -1.5

Jim Harbaugh, you had me fooled for a second. I thought you, at the very least, a competent coach. The veil has been lifted now, you sonuvabitch, and I see you for what you really are: a special teams coach all gussied up. You let Cam Cameron and his squad of prima donnas piss away big leads. You leave your defense on the field for what seems an eternity, giving opponents far too many chances to win. You’re lucky Ozzie Newsome has given you one of the best teams in the league. It’s just too bad you can’t do better by them. – JON BURR

AUSTIN: SaintsSKINNER: RavensJON BURR: Saints win outrightATLANTA AT SEATTLE +6

This Sunday, Seattle has a chance to really shake up the NFC South race while simultaneously keeping themselves in hot contention for the NFC West crown. And while the east coast team travelling west never has it easy, the Falcons are likely too solid to let this one get away. But Atlanta hasn’t dominated many teams, so Seattle probably won’t get steamrolled. Matt Ryan isn’t beyond throwing some picks, so winning turnover battle will keep Seattle in position to make it interesting. In then end, Roddy White & Michael Turner will no likely cause Pete Carroll to pull out some of his handome, gilded locks. Falcons win, but I agree with Jon Burr, take those points. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: FalconsSKINNER: FalconsJON BURR: Falcons win, but take the pointsNEW YORK JETS AT PITTSBURGH -5.5

Mark Sanchez = The Steelers’ O-line. Steelers defense = godlike. Therein lies the victors. Even if the Jets could replicate last season’s success running the ball in every other game, they’d likely struggle here. With them plodding for 2-3 yards a carry, it should be like running in sand. Defensive touchdowns aplenty, mostly for the Steelers. – AUSTIN

AUSTIN: SteelersSKINNER: SteelersJON BURR: Steelers win and coverDENVER AT OAKLAND -6.5

It’s time for Kyle Orton to pick himself out of the gutters and for Jason Campbell to come back down to Earth. They played diametrically-opposed games last week, when it comes to the quality of performance, but I expect to see a little more from Orton and a little less from Campbell here. ‘Tis true that you can’t get much worse than the Raiders’ defense, but dammit the Broncos have achieved just that, with the worst defensive DVOA in the land. These are two teams that aren’t very multi-faceted, but I think I’d rather have the squad that can run, pass, and play a smidge of defense than Kyle Orton’s Flying Circus of Sacks. This may all be rendered moot when Tebow starts and Reebok has their first-ever jersey recall on their hands. It’s not too late, kids! Get that Tebow jersey on eBay stat! – JON BURR

AUSTIN: RaidersSKINNER: RaidersJON BURR: Raiders win, but take the pointsGREEN BAY AT NEW ENGLAND (NO LINE)

What a devastating feeling this must be for fans of the Pack. A trendy Super Bowl pick at the beginning of the year, seemingly positioned to climb to the top of the division late in the year just as front-running Chicago’s schedule toughened up, they’re now coming off a loss to the Lions in which they lost their best player and best leader to a concussion. Yep, youngster Matt Flynn is likely to start at QB, the most important position on the field…, against the best team in the NFL. Much like Curtis Painter’s Colts, Matt Flynn’s Packers don’t have much to offer. With Rodgers, they’ve survived having a less-than-stellar running game and having a rash of injuries early-season injuries that would have derailed most teams. If Rodgers can return next week, they’re not out of it, but this game won’t help. It is a foregone conclusion that the Pats clinch the playoffs this week, and with the Bears likely whipping the Joe Webb-led Vikings, the Packers should slip all but out of the NFC North race and further back in the crowded NFC Wild Card race. Bummer. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: PatriotsSKINNER: PatriotsJON BURR: PatriotsCHICAGO AT MINNESOTA (NO LINE)

I’m not sure if the line (or lack thereof) has shifted since Joe Webb was named the starter for Minnesota this week, but it should, shouldn’t it? The Bears are 2nd in the NFL against the run, and Adrian Peterson is just about the only weapon you can see the Vikings being able to utilize given their QB issues. Trust that the Bears will load the box, and the Vikes will probably try some downfield stuff. I’m just not sure the Vikes will be able to deliver on said downfield stuff. My heart is behind the Favre-less Vikings against the “new Favre”-led Bears. Here’s to hoping Jake Butler has one of his Jake Butler games and throws to the purple team again and again and again. Unlikely though. Bears win. – SKINNER

AUSTIN: BearsSKINNER: BearsJON BURR: Bears

Direct emails to [email protected]Follow us on TwitterBecome our fan on Facebook, too. Search for it.

Last week: Last Week: Austin: 10-6 (118-89) Skinner: 11-5 (133-74) Jon Burr: 13-3 (128-79)