0:00

Welcome to your daily affirmations.

0:02

Repeat after me. Working with

0:04

others is easier than ever.

0:07

I strive for perfect collaboration.

0:09

Our teamwork keeps getting better.

0:12

Yeah, affirmations are great, but monday.com

0:14

can really get you the teamwork you

0:16

desire. Work together easily and share files,

0:18

updates, data, and just about anything you

0:21

want all in one platform. Affirm yes

0:23

to start or tap the banner to

0:25

go to monday.com. Radio

0:32

Andy. Hey, it's Andy Cohen.

0:34

Join me on Andy Cohen Live, where

0:36

it's just you, me, and

0:38

some of the world's biggest celebrities. Paris

0:40

Hilton, Chelsea Handler, Seth Rogen. I love

0:42

you, Miley. Thank you so much. You

0:45

can listen to Andy Cohen Live at

0:47

home or anywhere you are. No car

0:49

required. Download the SiriusXM app for over

0:51

425 channels of

0:54

ad-free music, sports, entertainment, and more.

0:56

Subscribe now and get three months

0:58

free. Offer details apply. ACAS

1:04

powers the world's best podcast.

1:08

Here's a show that we recommend. Hey

1:12

everybody, I'm Naomi Ekpergen. And I'm Andy

1:14

Beckerman. We're a real-life couple and a

1:16

real-life couple of comedians. And we're the

1:18

hosts of the podcast Couples Therapy. We're

1:21

the only comedy relationship podcast ever. Yeah,

1:23

I said it. And we're so good

1:25

we've been written up in both the New York Times and we

1:27

made Grindr's list of top podcasts. Yes,

1:29

we're giving you that high low appeal.

1:32

Trust. On the show we talk to

1:34

guests like Bob the Drag Queen, Angelica

1:36

Ross, Bowen Yang, Janelle James,

1:38

Danny Pooty, Darcy Carden, Paul

1:40

F. Tompkins, and more. All about

1:43

love, mental health, and everything in

1:45

between. And we answer

1:47

your relationship questions. We are two

1:49

unlicensed comedians just trying to help you

1:51

out. So open your hearts, loosen your butts, because

1:53

we got a lot of laughs and a

1:55

lot of real talk just for you. Download

1:58

Couples Therapy wherever you get your podcast. VCAS

2:04

helps creators launch, grow,

2:06

and monetize their podcasts

2:08

everywhere. vcas.com This

2:14

episode is dedicated from Eric Crabtree

2:16

to Lewanda Anderson. You

2:18

will always be my chipmunk and I love you always.

2:21

You taught me that it's okay to seek help and

2:23

know my value as a person. I

2:25

spent so much time hunting for reasons to exist

2:27

and with help I learned that the reason lives

2:29

inside me all along. This world

2:31

shines brighter because you exist in it. I

2:34

love you always. Ips

3:00

Supplemental I'm

4:02

sorry, I'm

4:05

meant to be

4:07

helping now. I'm

4:17

going to go get another coffee. Have you

4:19

considered simply bypassing your mouths altogether

4:22

and injecting the beans directly into

4:24

your bloodstream? Great idea.

4:26

Why didn't I think of that? Got

4:28

enough coffee beans in your blood? Of

4:30

course. Real

4:33

talk though. If the first

4:35

three coffees haven't helped, I wouldn't get

4:37

another. More caffeine isn't going to

4:39

make you more awake, it's just going to make

4:41

you shake and puke. I'll

4:43

have to risk it. I'm

4:45

really struggling here. Oh sure. Ignore

4:47

the woman who's worked nights for

4:49

almost a decade. What would she

4:52

know? So what would you suggest?

4:54

Going back in time and buying those blackout

4:56

curtains like I told you to. I know,

4:58

I know. I just... we

5:01

barely see the sun as it is. It

5:03

feels wrong to actively shut it out entirely.

5:05

Oh Sam. The

5:08

sun is the enemy. It

5:10

rules the world of light, but we who

5:12

dwell in darkness feel only it's wrath. Get

5:16

the curtains. Yeah, maybe.

5:19

Or get fired for falling asleep at your desk. Your

5:21

call? Evidently.

5:24

Did you know you make this adorable little... Blurgh.

5:28

Noise when you drop off. You

5:31

really punish people for daring to be your

5:33

friend. You know that right? My

5:35

justice is harsh but fair. Anyway

5:37

you best get your nap out of the way. We

5:40

need you bright eyed and bushy tailed when you

5:42

meet the new guy. Aren't I the new guy?

5:45

You wish. You're old news

5:47

Sam. It's basically a dinosaur. There's a

5:50

new new hire coming in. It's all

5:52

in Lena's email, which you would probably

5:54

have read if you were conscious. Is

5:56

someone else leaving? Oh no. But

5:59

this job is kinda... a high turnover rate, Selena likes

6:01

to hire a couple of replacements when an old

6:03

timer leaves. What, and just assumes

6:05

one of them won't stick it out? She's usually

6:08

right. And at this exact moment, my

6:10

snoozy darling, the smart money's not

6:12

on you. What happens if

6:14

both of us thrive here? Then we draw

6:17

lots and one of you gets eaten at

6:19

the Christmas party. Well, let's hope

6:21

the new guy isn't too stringy. Ooh,

6:23

fighting words! Hey,

6:25

Gwen, you hear we've got a new hire

6:27

coming in? What do you do? Not

6:30

you two. Training someone up takes

6:32

a lot of time and we're massively behind as it

6:35

is. True, but once they're trained up, it's another

6:37

pair of hands to help. If

6:39

they stick around. Which they won't. Now,

6:41

like I said, massively behind.

6:45

Sure, sorry. Emergency,

6:50

which service? What

6:58

a fantastically good

7:00

question. Police, ambulance

7:03

or fire? Well, no one's on

7:05

fire, so probably not that one.

7:08

Although they also do rescue, don't they?

7:10

And this poor fellow really would benefit

7:12

from a bit of rescuing right now.

7:14

Sir, describe the situation and I can

7:16

transfer you as appropriate. Hang on, I'll

7:18

ask him. What

7:22

do we think? Pussy

7:25

or ambulance? Sir? Sir,

7:30

are you in danger? You'll

7:32

have to forgive him. He's full of needles at

7:34

the moment, you see. Sir,

7:38

can I please have your location? Oh,

7:40

I thought you got it automatically. Not

7:43

on mobile, sir. Wonderful! I

7:45

have longer than I thought. In that case, we'll

7:47

have a little natter at our end

7:49

and call you back once we've come

7:51

to a decision about which service. Sir,

7:54

serving up. Emergency,

8:04

which service? We've been

8:06

discussing it and we're going to

8:08

go with Police. Final answer. Transferring

8:10

you now. Police,

8:12

what's your emergency? Yes, hello Police.

8:15

I've got a man here and, well, let's

8:18

just say he's been quite stabbed.

8:21

Are you in any danger? Me? Gosh,

8:24

no. No. I

8:27

suspect he thought I was at first though.

8:30

The way he postured and pulled out his

8:32

little knife. Is the attacker still in

8:34

the area? Oh yes, very

8:37

much so. Although I

8:39

really wouldn't go so far as to call him

8:41

an attacker. In fact, in many

8:43

ways it was an act of affection by the end.

8:46

An embrace. A cuddle

8:48

even! Yes, let's call it a

8:50

cuddle. Are

8:53

you sure you're okay? Panic

8:55

is normal in these situations. Have

8:57

you been hurt? Of course it hurts,

8:59

how couldn't it? But I've

9:01

come to rather enjoy the pain by now.

9:04

Oh, those teeny tiny holes.

9:07

Bright and sharp. I'm going

9:09

to need you to stay with me. The man,

9:11

the one you said was stabbed, is he

9:13

still there? I doubt he's going anywhere ever

9:15

again. Is he breathing? Does

9:17

he need an ambulance? Absolutely.

9:20

But that isn't the real question,

9:22

is it? I could dispatch an

9:24

ambulance, but I need your location. Do

9:27

you know your address? Do you know where you are?

9:29

I know exactly where I am. I

9:32

grew up here, you know. It

9:34

was a decent place back then. Nice

9:36

people lived here, you understand. Not

9:39

like now, now it's a dreadful

9:42

place. Not safe to walk

9:44

at night. I'll take some

9:46

pride in that actually. Sir, I need

9:48

an address or a landmark. Tell me

9:50

where you are. Oh, the land is

9:52

definitely marked now, same as me. And

9:55

it feels... good. It

9:59

satisfies an away... I never really thought

10:01

anything would. It fills

10:03

that hollow, lonely hole inside

10:06

quite nicely. It's

10:09

not sadism or masochism. I

10:11

tried both of those already. I

10:14

think it's the fear, the look

10:16

in their eyes once they realise their

10:18

mistake. And it

10:20

just makes me want to hold them close.

10:24

So I do. The injured

10:26

man. Did you stab him? Ah,

10:29

well, that's a tricky one. Sort

10:31

of? In many ways

10:33

he stabs himself on me. By

10:37

the time he saw the needles we

10:39

were already very close. Close

10:41

enough to smell his sweat and cheap aftershave.

10:44

In fact, he barely had time to be

10:46

afraid before we embraced. He's

10:48

terrified now, of course. I

10:51

need to put you through to my supervisor. If

10:53

you leave this call I shall embrace him again

10:55

and I sincerely doubt he would survive. You

10:59

know what? I'd like to change my answer.

11:01

I did stab him, yes. I certainly reposition

11:03

myself to make sure he got some in

11:06

his face, in the eyes. Does

11:08

that count? He keeps

11:10

touching them like he's going to be able

11:12

to pull all the metal out, but I

11:14

told him it will only

11:16

drive them deeper. It won't

11:19

last too long, thankfully. He'll

11:21

finish bleeding out any minute now. But

11:24

in the meantime, that's fear. Woof

11:27

ting off him as he lies there.

11:30

Half afraid of death and half

11:32

afraid of living with what has

11:34

happened to him. It's

11:36

quite delightful. And

11:38

it drowns out the aftershave nicely. Give

11:42

me your address and remain where

11:44

you are. Do

11:46

I frighten you, Mr Operator?

11:49

Is that why you called? To try

11:51

and scare whoever picked up? Coit

11:53

is that, but you're not afraid, are

11:55

you? Unsettled, off

11:57

balance, but nothing more.

12:00

Why is that? Guess I'm

12:03

just not scared of needles. Not

12:05

scared! This isn't some poxy blood test,

12:07

some little pin trick, this is hundreds,

12:09

thousands of razor sharp points pushing

12:12

into your flesh! We're talking

12:14

about the embrace of an iron maiden,

12:16

an excruciating agony formed from a thousand

12:18

tiny hurts! Sir, you're

12:21

clearly not well, and

12:23

I believe you've hurt someone who may have

12:25

tried to mug you, so if you give

12:27

me your location, I can

12:29

send someone over to help. Oh,

12:32

I see. You don't believe me. Yes,

12:36

I suppose that makes sense. It

12:39

is somewhat outlandish. That's only

12:41

exacerbated by the distancing effect

12:44

of the phone. Yes,

12:47

the more I think on it, the more obvious it

12:49

is that this call was never going to give me

12:51

what I was after. I

12:54

wonder though, which of

12:56

the police contact centers you're

12:59

hiding in? Hendon?

13:03

Lambeth? Excuse me? Lambeth,

13:06

then. And I'm

13:08

sure I could recognize your

13:11

voice now. There

13:15

it is. There's

13:17

the fear. Not

13:20

much, just a little prick, but we found

13:22

it in the end, didn't we? I'm

13:25

transferring you to my supervisor now. Then

13:28

I'll be going. I've no interest in

13:30

speaking to them, and besides, we agreed

13:32

that if you left the call, my

13:34

friend here would have a last little

13:36

cuddle before I go. I

13:40

do hope we speak again soon,

13:42

Mr. Operator. See if

13:44

we can't find some other frightful little pin

13:46

pricks we can explore together. I'm

13:49

not. Huh?

13:55

Is that it? It's

13:58

what it. The gate. It

14:00

just kind of bends. What's

14:02

up with it? Didn't you hear it? I

14:04

barely hear my own. You tuned them out after a

14:06

while. It was a pair

14:09

of emergency service calls. Oh yeah, you're not

14:11

getting any closure from those. You might be

14:13

assigned a follow-up coroner's report if something weird

14:15

happens to the body, but that's pretty rare.

14:18

Why were you enjoying it? I wouldn't

14:20

exactly go that far. Well, who knows?

14:22

Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll kill again. What

14:25

was it? Like, a guy made

14:28

of needles, I think. Needles?

14:31

Is that scary? I've been working

14:33

here so long I can't tell anymore. Maybe

14:36

if you're scared of needles? To be

14:38

fair, he did sound kind of... sensitive

14:40

about that. Good

14:44

evening, everyone. Lena! Little

14:46

bird told me the new hire was

14:48

coming in today. Please refrain from referring

14:50

to me as a little bird, Alice.

14:52

Big bird, then. So where's

14:54

the fresh meat? She is getting

14:57

a cup of coffee from the break room. Her

14:59

name is Celia, and I trust you will all

15:01

make a fill welcome. Certainly try.

15:04

Lena, these little donuts are

15:06

amazing. Where did you get them?

15:08

Celia, these are your co-workers.

15:11

Oh, well, of course. Sorry.

15:17

Hello, everyone. That's all right. We're

15:20

a bit of a letdown after the mini donuts. Lena

15:23

likes to put them out when someone new joins

15:25

our little family. Just ensure you eat

15:27

them on site. Now, I'll

15:29

leave you all to get acquainted. I have

15:31

some intake paperwork to finish. Alice,

15:33

I'll have a word with you about training later

15:36

tonight. Celia, come by my office

15:38

once you're done here. We have some

15:40

last papers to sign. Will do. So,

15:46

yeah. Never worked somewhere

15:49

with mini donuts before. I wouldn't

15:51

get too excited. They're probably still left

15:53

over from when Sam joined us. Well, I

15:55

like them just fine. Your

15:57

son, then. Yep. Only just joined

15:59

myself. Awesome! Actually, can I

16:02

ask you a question? Your interview...

16:05

Oh my god, yes, swivel weird,

16:07

right? Thank you! I was sat

16:09

there like, what? You

16:11

should both be proud. Lena only tries to talk you

16:14

out of it if she thinks you're worth talking

16:16

to in the first place. Yeah? It's

16:19

been a while since I had an interview, but that was... Yeah,

16:22

she used to have a real problem with turnover.

16:25

People would take the job and bail after a couple

16:27

of weeks. So she changed up

16:29

her interview style to make sure she only

16:31

got people who were... Suitable. Desperate. And

16:34

I'm both. The system works! Also,

16:37

I don't know if I caught your name. Alice,

16:40

I'm the longest inmate down here, so let me

16:42

know if you have any questions. Where

16:44

are the toilets? Do they have any

16:46

sharper knives? How do I make the

16:48

nightmares stop? Anything at all. And

16:51

that chatterbox over in the corner is

16:53

Gwen. Celia,

16:55

was it? It's lovely to meet you.

16:57

I hope you have a good time here. Now if you'll

17:00

excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. Sure,

17:03

no worries. I'll be honest,

17:05

I thought there'd be more people working here given the

17:07

size of the building. Yeah,

17:09

no, we're streamlined.

17:12

Streamlined? Sure. Oh, there

17:14

is an IT guy as well, though you might

17:16

want to steer clear of him until he's got

17:18

to marry you a bit. But

17:21

mostly, it's just us. Four

17:23

weirdos in a basement, reading

17:26

scary stories. Dream job! If

17:29

you say so. Fair warning, some

17:31

of these cases are... they're

17:33

not fun to read. I appreciate the

17:35

concern, but I'm sure they'll be alright. I

17:38

don't scare so easy these days. Yeah, you

17:40

got that hardened killer look in your eyes. Damn.

17:43

And here I thought I'd hidden it behind

17:45

a sweet and bubbly demeanor. Anyway,

17:47

I'd better go check in with Lena. Lovely

17:50

to meet you all. Lovely to meet you too. She

17:55

seems nice. Yeah. So,

17:58

get attached. You didn't dream of

18:00

it. Here

18:16

we reach the highlight of our tour,

18:18

the French Room. Hmm, is it quite

18:21

a sight? Well I understand you're

18:23

awed by its magnificence. I

18:25

must warn you that flash photography can

18:27

spook the local wildlife. The

18:30

local wildlife is just getting another

18:32

coffee if you want in. Against my

18:35

meaning? Fine, I'm fine. I'm

18:37

still adjusting to the knives, that's all. Ah,

18:41

I can't see anything for the last, this is just

18:43

a very nice. Has Alice

18:45

started to sell you a second-hand curtain yet? Alice

18:47

had not yet gotten to the advice section of

18:49

the tour, but it was next on the agenda. You

18:52

sure I can't get you anything, Syria? Syria

18:55

maybe? I think there's some ancient

18:57

hot chocolate hidden by Alice's secret

18:59

biscuit stash. I knew

19:01

it was you, you were a thief. I'm

19:04

alright for them. Go

19:13

for it, I'll be over a little bit, thank you for

19:15

your best cases. Hello!

19:20

What? What?

19:24

What? You

19:27

have done it twice, so you must

19:29

be good to send it to the

19:31

little hot chocolate. Why are you

19:33

just going to make happy on your ass while you're at

19:35

this? You're being ridiculous. Would

19:38

you like to eat? I'm

19:41

not going to eat that very soon, I'm going to have a little bit

19:43

more. I'm going to have my tongue,

19:46

so I can always see that it's your

19:48

step. How

20:00

do you know where I had my biscuits? It's

20:02

literally the same place you did when we were students. I

20:05

took them to the top shelves in the

20:07

Upper Lesmanse Cabinet. Well you think people won't be

20:10

tall enough to see them. Toushay?

20:13

But you should be very careful about sharing

20:15

such knowledge. Chuckle out lit to get them

20:17

too powerful for the comic palette. This

20:19

is painful. Anyway, I need

20:21

to get back to staring into the eyes

20:23

of your beloved. I

20:26

know you could have been waiting for Dr. Loughton if I

20:28

was a sort of mini-tish. Mmm.

20:31

I need to be there. I know. I'm

20:55

direct by Alexander Janewal. It

21:25

featured Billy Hindel as

21:27

Alistair, Shahan Hamza as Samana

21:30

Khali, Anusha Battersby as Gwen

21:32

Bouchard, Lorian Davis as Celia

21:34

Ripley, Zara Loughy and Lena

21:36

Kelly. The

21:40

Magnus Protocol is produced by April

21:42

Somner with executive producers Alexander Janewal,

21:45

Danny McDonough, Lynne See, and

21:48

Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and

21:50

associate producers Jordan Alhor, Taylor

21:52

Michaels, Nicole Perman, Thesteus De

21:55

Raven, and Megan Nees. To

22:04

subscribe, view associated materials, or join

22:06

our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. For more

22:09

written reviews online, tweet us at

22:11

therustyquill, visit us on Facebook, or

22:13

email us via mail at

22:15

rustyquill.com. HeCASP

22:35

powers the world's best podcast. Here's

22:39

the show that we recommend. If

22:43

you've ever dreamed of quitting your job to

22:45

take your side hustle full time, listen up.

22:48

This is Nikkéla Matty-Zakome, host of Side

22:50

Hustle Pro, a podcast that helps you

22:52

build and grow from passion projects to

22:54

profitable business. Every week, you'll hear

22:56

from guests just like you who wanted to start

22:59

a business on the side. If you

23:01

can't run a side hustle, you can't run a

23:03

business. They share real tips. And so, I started

23:05

connecting with all these people on LinkedIn, and I

23:07

saw Target's entire diversity was having office hours. Real

23:09

advice. Procrastination is the easiest

23:11

form of resistance. And the actual

23:14

strategies they use to turn their

23:16

side hustle into their main hustle.

23:18

Getting back in touch with your

23:20

tangible cash and sitting down and

23:22

learning to give your money a

23:24

job, it changes something. Check out

23:26

Side Hustle Pro every week on

23:28

your favorite podcast app, yes?