0:06

Hi. So nice to see you all and

0:09

hear your voice and yeah. I love it. I

0:13

guess my question, My question is kind of around health challenges because I feel

0:21

like I'm sometimes have A very

0:26

like, I've been through a lot health wise over the past 5 years and

0:30

really had to advocate for myself to get to the position I'm at

0:33

Now my hands are working. Woo hoo. I feel way

0:37

more regulated. I was able to travel regulated, which was

0:41

Incredible. And I think a ton of that is due to the work

0:45

that I've done with you guys. It was It was even

0:49

in super stressful moments. I and it was also very easy to

0:52

tell when other people I was traveling with for work We're not

0:56

able to stay regulated in stressful environments,

1:00

and I felt like you know, I I don't think I've

1:03

ever felt regulated traveling in my whole life, especially, like,

1:07

you know, we're, like, in city. We're doing things, and I do feel like

1:11

this level of regulation. And I'm Having a struggle right

1:14

now because I feel like the health challenges are now not

1:18

just mine. My daughter's really been experiencing. We found out that

1:22

she has low immunity, and I'm realizing that

1:26

I've just had to advocate so much my I mean, I just went through that

1:29

whole health crisis the past couple years and

1:33

surgery and finally starting to feel more

1:36

regulated now. And then now having that, like, mirrored with

1:39

her, I just I'm it's I just feel like it's really causing a lot

1:43

of stress In our world, like, she's out of school.

1:48

They bumped them out of high school, but she missed 10 days of school.

1:52

And they were like, you're out of here. And I'm just I'm

1:55

finding I I just I'm I'm really feeling the slow

1:59

level of stress as a parent not knowing how to

2:03

Like, we're doing all the things. Right? And I think there's a level of

2:06

surrender that's needing to happen, but I'm also observing for me

2:10

that, like, it's impacting this this, like, Background

2:14

stress in my brain is impacting my ability to

2:17

properly do my work and properly be function you know, I feel like I'm

2:21

not functioning well. I

2:25

mean, I'm not trying to make it, like, you know.

2:29

Yeah. Can do I can do momming. I can do

2:33

momming. This is a different level. Oh, but, like, I don't know. Like, I

2:36

feel like Every mom I've ever met that's biochemically

2:40

healthy worries about their children. And then if they're sick, worries

2:44

more. So It's it's not so much worry.

2:47

It's just a level of feeling like

2:51

I don't have the bandwidth To, you know, kind of

2:55

like I I'm feeling I'm having a hard

2:58

times I'm having a hard time Dang regulated. I was

3:02

able to leave and go on the trip thanks to my mother, but I'm also

3:06

feeling like I'm having a hard I'm feeling like I'm having to choose,

3:09

Basically I see. I'm having and it's it's tricky for me because I

3:13

feel like it's I've been really working on this delicate balance. I

3:17

feel regulated. I feel like I'm able to handle the situation,

3:20

but I feel like I am not able to give

3:24

what I need to give to the business and work Function and hold

3:28

space for this other frequency. So,

3:32

like, holding healing space isn't It's,

3:35

I'm I'm kinda over it, to be honest. Like, I'm kinda over holding healing

3:39

space, and I know that that and and I don't wanna be

3:45

That's, yeah, that's a tricky one. I just,

3:48

like I don't know. I guess I just feel frustrated. I feel kind of, like,

3:51

mad Got a little bit, you know, like that feeling where I'm just, like, for

3:55

real. Like, we've got more of this to deal with. Like, can it

3:58

can it just, like, let up at some point? And

4:02

it's, I don't know. No. I see that.

4:06

Yeah. I know the answers now. Yeah. Right

4:09

when you think you got it all solved, something else happens, but it's a

4:13

I look at this these moments not as the other shoe dropping. My

4:17

perspective Is I look at them as a warm up for my next

4:21

level. So for example, life might be asking

4:24

you how to find more balance with your work and your in your in your

4:28

family life so that you're able to balance it more and not have everything so

4:32

reliant upon you. That's a

4:35

good point. Yeah. Because I do feel like that's been my biggest struggle.

4:39

Like, I can really resonate with what I was saying too. Like, burnout has been

4:43

a big I mean, you guys know you've Watched my old divine

4:46

storm chaos. Like, I went from being a super overfunctioning people

4:50

pleaser piling everything on my plate. And I also see the other part of it

4:54

is I I think that the issue I'm

4:58

having too is, like, I just kinda don't want to anymore. I don't

5:02

I just I kinda just wanna go lie on the beach. I don't wanna I

5:05

don't wanna, like I I understand. And I think what you

5:08

might mean is you don't want to the way you I don't want it the

5:12

way I have, and I'm I'm, like, and I feel like you don't want to.

5:15

Like, I think you want to be a mother. I think you want to be

5:17

an entrepreneur. Oh, for sure. Alright. I think you want to be able to hold

5:20

space for your family when they're in a having a hard time, and I think

5:24

you want to be in business. I just don't know if you want to do

5:26

it the way you've done it. That's actually a really good

5:30

point because I feel like when you hearing you say it like that, I'm

5:34

seeing that I'm having resistance Even with things in

5:37

business, like, I feel like I have a lot of resistance

5:41

to moving forward, and I think a lot of it out of fear that I

5:45

don't want it to be the same that it's been in the past because I

5:48

know where that gets me. You know, Something that happens

5:52

in my nervous system is I start working with people.

5:56

And for a long time, I didn't understand it. But over the

6:00

last few years, it's really come clear to me. I start working with somebody. And,

6:04

like, you know, I don't mean, like, as a coach. I mean, like, in, like,

6:06

in our business. Right? Mhmm. Right. Mhmm. And then if I find myself, like,

6:10

having not no desire to call them or talk to them or

6:13

avoiding them Too much. I I mean, I I am

6:17

a, it's it's like it's like I I am I'm a,

6:21

evasive person in general When it comes to protecting my creativity,

6:25

but, like, there's degrees of evasion. Right? Ditto. And

6:29

and so, like like Like, I mean, like, really evading someone,

6:33

like, not responding, like, what are the stuff. Right? Like like, I mean, there'll be

6:37

times where I go into a creative hole, but, I mean, like, I find myself

6:39

with somebody like, Right. What I realized actually is that

6:43

I've made an unconscious assessment of that person. They're no longer aligned with with

6:46

me. And so one of the things I track because it's a neuroception.

6:50

Happening outside my awareness. Because I track when do

6:54

I start avoiding people that I work

6:57

with. Right? Like, when do I not wanna call them back? When do I

7:01

kind of all these things? And then I go, That's probably a sign that I'm

7:05

deciding something about them unconsciously. And instead of just,

7:09

like, continuing to avoid them, nip it in the bud.

7:13

Right? Because this person is no long because Most of the people that I

7:17

work with there in my life, any, like, type of, like, meaningful way, I

7:21

enjoy talking to them. And I I'm In creativity and sometimes

7:24

evasive from moment to moment because I wanna be creative more than I wanna be

7:28

administrative. But then there's people I'm just like, and Kinda don't talk to them

7:31

for a while, and what I realized is there's just, like, a level of of

7:34

misalignment there. Right? And the reason I'm bringing

7:37

this up is because The same thing happens with, like, tasks in the

7:41

business. Right? Like, for me, it's just like, do I really have to do this

7:45

thing again? The answer is yes Hi. Until you figure out,

7:49

meaning me to me, how to make someone or help someone else

7:53

do that. Right? So what you're noticing about the

7:56

business is also where you want to be aligned versus where you don't wanna be

7:59

aligned. And that's okay. There there are

8:03

weird people whose joy in life is bookkeeping. I don't understand them.

8:07

Their their their purpose in life is the Chart of accounts.

8:11

Make it accurate. That's what they do. And they're just like Seriously. Love and light

8:15

to that. I'm like, alien. But then they look at what I

8:19

do, and they're like, you're weird. You know? So I think

8:22

that you're just getting in rapport with the things that matter most to

8:26

you And then resisting the things that

8:30

are no longer aligned with where you wanna be, and you need to create more

8:32

space. That's a really good way to look at it. I've been looking at

8:36

it as self love because I've had to just say no to a lot of

8:39

things Well, that's awesome. At the past 6 months because I know I

8:43

started to notice that, like, a version thing where I was like, wow. I have,

8:46

like, serious aversion to dealing with these people or

8:49

dealing with these things. And I think that for me,

8:53

that has when I've I had to look at it and be like, well, maybe

8:56

that just means I'm not supposed to work with that person if it's not in

8:59

alignment, and I think there's a level of things. I think there's a level of,

9:03

like, responsibility. Right? But Here's the thing.

9:06

If I'm fighting with you, I care. The the

9:10

you wanna get worried when you don't hear from me. Because my

9:14

best friend knows this about me. She's like she's like, when you don't communicate, she's

9:18

like, you can feel it. You know? Like, she's like But like, you know I

9:21

feel you when you don't respond. She's like, so I know how your business people

9:25

feel when you, like But no. But there's a difference between someone there's a difference

9:28

between, I think you're back to someone because I'm busy versus

9:33

you're out. Oh, I I know this. I know this all

9:37

too well. I had a few of those. Yeah. And what I'm saying

9:40

is is that, like, pay attention to that.

9:45

It's that's really interesting. I think that's a good way for me to chart

9:48

it because I I am feeling that very extreme

9:52

level of aversion with certain people, and it's Pay attention to

9:56

that. Yeah.

10:00

It's the tricky one. I feel like I do. I'm

10:04

I am having also, like, I don't know. I'm

10:08

having a version for some of the,

10:12

just the yeah. There there are tasks And there are

10:15

people, and it's also, like I guess I don't really know.

10:19

I I know how to be burned out, and I know how to be an

10:22

overdoer. Like, I know that. Like, I got that shit on

10:25

lock. Like, I can be That's not that's not what we're talking about here.

10:29

What we're talking about is how you Stop that because your body's

10:33

giving you signs on what to pay attention to that's not yours to do anymore

10:37

or where you need help. Yeah. That's interesting.

10:41

I I guess I'm I'm recognizing through having this

10:44

conversation with you that I don't know how to do

10:48

this balanced thing. That looks very accurate.

10:51

Foreign to me To have, like, a balanced

10:55

reality, and I'm realizing even it's interesting

10:59

because as soon as I came home too, I'm observing that, like, I'm falling

11:02

back similar patterns that I was before I left on the trip,

11:06

and I'm seeing that there's Okay. Yeah. I'm balance, I'm not super good. I don't

11:14

it's like I don't know. It's kinda like how regulation was For me, when I

11:18

came like, I had no idea what ventral felt like. I was like, oh, this

11:21

fantasy unicorn thing over there, maybe I'll be able to get

11:25

A way to even feel it. And now I feel like I can feel it,

11:29

and I feel like there's, I guess maybe what

11:32

I what I'm Realizing from talking to you is maybe I

11:36

need to figure out how to marry those things, like getting them to

11:40

hold hands in a healthy way.

11:44

Like the act like, action and ventral, I

11:48

that's foreign to me. Like, having a regulated State

11:51

that feels like it's in action is also a

11:55

foreign experience to me. So I'm When you know what is The right

11:59

action to take that's based on what you wanna do and then how to get

12:02

help and the other stuff, then the action won't feel so foreign. You know?

12:05

Okay. Like like, Okay. Like,

12:11

I avoid, Yeah. Like like, you know, like, that thing where you have to do every month

12:18

where you have to say, this expense is in this category? Oh, I hate that.

12:22

Yeah. I don't do that. I do it once a year, and I just, like,

12:25

push through it. Like, I just, like and I could probably do it once a

12:28

month or whatever, but I just it's just I hate it. I just I can't

12:32

stand it. Right? So it's like, I'm not gonna try to be my own bookkeeper.

12:36

I'm not. I'm not gonna do it. I resign

12:40

as the bookkeeper, And I get a bookkeeper.

12:44

Right? The same thing's true. Like, you know what else I don't do? This is

12:48

this is true. I don't take out the trash. I put shit in the trash

12:51

sometimes. Sometimes. I don't take out the trash.

12:56

I don't. And it doesn't the trash at your house,

13:00

though. Like, who Not me. A housekeeper. God bless her.

13:04

She's angel. Okay? And I have 3 trash cans so that there's enough time

13:07

because he comes 3 times a week. Right? You know what else I don't do?

13:11

I don't even open my own Amazon boxes anymore. I just let

13:15

it pile up until Irma comes by. And Irma comes in. She just unboxes

13:19

them. She puts them right there. She unwraps them from the plastic thing. She puts

13:22

in the recycling, Takes out the recycling, like, all that stuff. I don't wanna touch

13:25

any of that shit. If it was just me if it was just me, I

13:29

just have these Amazon box that would pile up, And there'd

13:32

be all this trash never gets taken out. That's what happens if it's left to

13:36

my devices. I've lived that way. I can relate. There are

13:40

no resign As the person who takes the trash

13:43

out, and I resign as the person who opens Amazon boxes.

13:47

I resign. And I outsource because I wanna do it because it's I don't wanna do

13:55

it. I I could literally do

13:59

other shit that's more that requires more energy. I just don't wanna do that thing.

14:05

Right? And there's reasons for that based on my history that just it's not what

14:08

I want. I don't wanna do it. And I by the way,

14:12

I mean this. Like, I will not take out the trash. I will let

14:16

shit just Just pile up

14:20

maggots in there and shit. I'm telling you, like, I don't give a about thinking.

14:23

I don't I don't want to. I rebel against it.

14:28

I have a list of these things too. I feel it. That's 1. Somebody's somebody's

14:32

saying this. I'm not just saying this know how I feel it. For my own

14:34

gratification. I'm not I don't don't need to talk about my trash habits for

14:38

my own self. I'm saying this for you. I'm

14:41

resonating. I know. I got my own list. Like

14:46

like, go pick out the goddamn trash. Just don't do it. Have someone else

14:49

do it. I have Okay. I'm getting

14:53

better at those things. By the way. Yeah. I know. I know. It's also,

14:57

like, same thing but different. I don't wanna open

15:01

you know what? I would rather

15:04

I would rather put on a new shower head

15:09

Then take out the trash. It's like that

15:13

game of would you rather I think I'm seeing, but, like, that's kind of what

15:16

I need to play with myself. I was doing that today with the weather, I

15:20

was looking at the mountains, and I was like, oh, let's play smash your pass

15:22

with the weather. This is a big fat pass for me. Like, Yeah.

15:26

This is a pass. I don't want it. I don't want it. I just

15:30

don't want it. You know you know what Jenna said once? I I I'll never

15:33

forget this About about me. She said, Mastin

15:37

acts as if he has a Balinese family of 4

15:41

that walks behind him At all times,

15:44

taking care of things, tidying things up. And I said, that's true. That

15:48

is truer than true. Oh.

15:52

I don't want to tidy my environment up. I don't wanna do it. I

15:56

pay for it. You wanna know why? Because when I was a kid, everything was

15:59

a mess, and it was disorganized, and it's painful. So it's a way for me

16:03

to be regulated Well, I don't have to do it because I'm overburdened.

16:07

That's my wounding. Overburdened. Too much. Too much. Too

16:10

much. Right? I remember being, like, 13 or 14

16:14

years old. My father would go outside,

16:18

chop firewood, Put it in a bin outside.

16:22

Literally, the fireplace is here, probably 4 or 5

16:25

feet to the door. Open the door directly outside

16:29

the door on the on the on the patio is a bit of

16:33

firewood. It's probably 7 to 9 feet away from the fireplace.

16:37

My one of my only chores was to take the firewood

16:41

from outside inside. Asked

16:45

me if I did it. I didn't do it.

16:49

I Yeah. Kicked and screamed. I made it such a pain in the ass

16:53

For me to do the firewood that literally to this day, if you ask my

16:56

father, tell me about NASA and the firewood. Like, we get all traumatized.

16:59

Right? But, like, I just I don't wanna do it everything else is already a

17:03

mess. I don't wanna I don't I'm not the cleaner here. That's not my I

17:06

I grew up in this chaos and mess. I'm like, you do it. And what

17:09

I would say to my 15 and 14 year old self is you're overwhelmed with

17:13

the responsibility of taking care of so many things already. You don't have time for

17:16

more. And then you repeat that in business and in relationship and

17:20

all these things. Okay. I'm just taking that

17:24

in because that feels a lot like How I feel. And I feel

17:28

I feel like I push it all away when it's

17:32

when it's too overwhelming or too overburdened or too much or

17:36

there's just I shut down when there's too much, and

17:39

that's kinda how I feel with the health issues and the other things Exactly. Where

17:43

it's like, I'm just like, I look at the to do list. It's like a

17:46

legal page long, and I'm like, oh, that. I'm like, I'm gonna go No. But

17:50

no. But I'm saying that else. What I'm saying is that

17:54

Yeah. I feel it. But But no. I'm saying that. Like

17:58

Yeah. But it have somebody else do it. Yeah. But it's like, I can't have

18:01

somebody do the whole entire Oh, yes.

18:06

Kim. You can. I have

18:09

I have I have brought in assistance over the past Chunk

18:13

of time because it was too much for me. So I

18:17

definitely feel that. I just I guess, for me, it's like, I don't really know

18:20

how in business, there I'm like, It's like the relinquishing of it

18:23

comes back to the relinquishing of control, I think, at some

18:27

point too because not to. Yeah. I mean You

18:31

wanna know what my love I don't know what this would be considered a love.

18:33

That may acts of service, I guess. You know what I love? I love being

18:37

able I don't wanna go I don't do grocery shopping anymore, like, out to the

18:41

store. I just why when you have Postmates and Instacart? Like, why would you ever

18:44

do that? So for me, like, I order Instacart.

18:48

That's my love language. I've got the shit.

18:52

I basically that's my version of going out hunting, and here's the shit.

18:56

What regulates me is anybody else

19:00

Taking the shit out of the bag and putting it away.

19:03

Interesting. I feel the same way. I

19:07

mean, it's not like When Erba gets here, there's a bag of groceries for

19:11

her. And it's like,

19:15

she's known me for 20 something years. Right? I don't have the capacity to do

19:22

this. Okay? Meanwhile, I could be outside working out,

19:25

burning more calories doing I experience myself in a much different way that's harder,

19:29

but it's for a different purpose and a different reason.

19:33

Okay. You're making me feel a lot better because I feel like there's things

19:37

that I'm just like I and I don't even sometimes I'm just like, can I

19:40

actually even afford like, keep the house cleaner, you know, coming, or is

19:44

it lazy, or is it this, or is that? And, ultimately, you're making me feel

19:48

a lot better because there are Things that are more valuable to do with my

19:51

time. I get paid Yeah. You need more than