0:09

hello my name jessica

0:11

and i'm from orlando, florida

0:17

there's not much to

0:19

do their growing up and i was

0:21

pretty bored so i decided to

0:23

obsess about

0:40

from direction really utopia i kneel

0:43

as this is mortified today

0:45

and the show a tale of one girls adolescent

0:47

socialize still with boy drama and

0:50

balanced as if you like

0:52

cesc his diary stick around later as

0:54

we replace classic from the mortified

0:56

archives featuring a different very

0:58

memorable performance from just we

1:01

now return to her on stage in

1:03

dear diary i just have

1:06

to say that i'm madly in love with luke perry

1:08

that

1:11

the cutest man in the world

1:14

the , he talks the way he dresses

1:17

dresses i could only meet him face to face

1:19

it's my dream school

1:21

thirds and five days tomorrow

1:24

is open house it starts at seven pm

1:27

that i will not i repeat will

1:29

not miss beverly hills knows who are

1:31

no says for that i

1:34

love you

1:34

it

1:37

dear diary i really

1:39

need to go on a diet

1:41

there are a waste of hundred and forty

1:43

five pounds i am only twelve

1:50

says he was that is the same

1:52

with perry's way

1:59

i

2:02

hate myself for being so some people

2:06

and school commie piggy walsall and

2:08

sundry size

2:11

they even to pig years of my school

2:13

they days i really hate

2:15

it

2:16

when i come back from chris

2:21

my number one new year's resolution

2:24

is to do one thousand five hundred sit ups

2:26

a day

2:31

i will have a janet jackson's

2:33

stomach

2:39

it right numerous candy unless

2:41

them

2:42

irving dear

2:47

, diary

2:49

i a coke chicken sandwich

2:52

fruit punch coke snickers

2:55

french snickers chicken

2:57

fingers hamburger

2:59

and clutter and sandy hamburger

3:04

dumb knickers to

3:06

lollipop popcorn

3:08

and soda

3:11

fourteen thing going on a diet

3:13

but later

3:14

i'm sorry for myself so row in

3:16

parentheses ultra

3:21

dear diary i campbell

3:22

they started my period this morning

3:25

don't have any pets i

3:28

hope to god that it the league's your my shorts

3:32

i'll try really hard to do

3:34

my richard simmons tape

3:36

we

3:44

dear diary

3:46

tomorrow valentine's day

3:48

i hope that this sometimes they will be

3:50

my best maybe

3:52

someone a really really like will ask

3:55

me out it's not fair that everyone

3:57

has everyone has

3:58

i wouldn't be so much happen

3:59

here and i would look forward to going to school

4:02

hurry being too so

4:03

in to ugly

4:11

dear diary valentine's

4:14

day massacre

4:19

oh wow

4:20

they valentine's day

4:22

the i'll never forget it

4:26

humiliating day a girl could have

4:29

when i eat a bunch of candy in

4:31

the morning

4:34

and by the time i go to school i had

4:36

to go to the bathroom really bad

4:38

and

4:40

i didn't think anything could go wrong to

4:42

think again

4:45

as soon as i reached the bathroom

4:47

your to put

4:49

coming out of my bias

5:02

who as soon as they sat

5:04

on the toilet seat the poop landed in my

5:06

underwear

5:06

landed

5:09

on the floor all over the toilet

5:11

seat smells

5:13

horrible

5:17

the one that came and said how bad it

5:19

i never

5:21

the right before school starts with every

5:23

girl isn't there during their makeup

5:26

so it

5:28

, all over my sir my underwear

5:31

underwear hands and my short luckily

5:36

i went through in there and called my mom when

5:39

i came home i took a bubble bath

5:41

here

5:43

for that me accept anything for valentine's

5:45

day

5:46

the recording a better finger candy bar

5:57

i promise you i'll never forget the

5:59

day as soon as

5:59

i was so disgusting

6:02

yeah i bought my mom lives your bones

6:05

and they burger him and

6:07

then just a side note my mom had to show up with

6:09

the change of clothes and she brought

6:11

me a garfield shirts that said i'm said

6:13

fat cats he ac

6:21

the negative ninth

6:24

grade high school

6:25

dear

6:28

diary i am and months his

6:31

name is craig is incredibly

6:33

fine and i have loved him with the past

6:36

census

6:36

started

6:39

the number fifty three on the football team

6:41

and even sophomore and did i mention

6:44

fine well

6:48

he seems so we go for cheerleader girls

6:50

plus he's also popular so i know

6:52

i'll probably

6:53

forget the guy dear

6:56

diary craig is on my brain entirely

6:59

i set my tv volume to sixty three

7:01

his the phone number

7:09

i could

7:11

you think three

7:13

, thing thing decided that

7:15

my song for him as meat loaves i would do

7:17

anything for last

7:20

of whom sometimes i picture a singing that

7:22

to each to i know

7:25

i have never had a conversation with them

7:27

but it is a connection gotta

7:30

, dear

7:33

diary i had the most incredible dream

7:35

last night here's how it went out

7:38

of the popular kids hell craig

7:40

asked me if i wanted to go out with them that

7:42

night

7:43

the yeah of course

7:44

it really pretty and all the girls

7:46

drooled all over him that his eyes you're only

7:48

on me

7:49

not really special

7:52

one important thing nobody knew about him

7:54

that me though was that he uses them

8:02

and i don't have

8:06

paradise

8:10

i have been wholeheartedly deceived

8:12

and i see like saying jennifer

8:16

, been planning this pool party at our health

8:18

a week and yesterday she

8:20

told me that craig was going to be there and

8:22

that this would be my chance to talk to him

8:25

my mom took me took the mall and i picked up an

8:27

outfit and was so nervous i

8:29

could feel my whole body shaking as shaking walked

8:31

up to her house no one heard

8:33

anything when i got there that previous their

8:36

my body froze the

8:38

ever heard a bit slower vargas zynga

8:40

who was on her face and said okay

8:43

everyone truth or dare time

8:46

he said and i quote craig

8:49

a dare you to french kiss me

8:51

i felt my face gets so hot but

8:53

sure enough they did she

8:56

, looking over at me the whole time i

8:59

just sat there people were looking at me and

9:01

i get so they felt sorry for me hey

9:04

i gotta run home crying which made me look

9:06

like a freak

9:09

athena to use

9:11

my brother is also on the football team and

9:13

my brother philip sorry for me that

9:15

he went over try to negotiate with them links

9:18

please take her on monday

9:25

the next season or for came over and told

9:27

me that i go for guys that i can't get

9:29

and the just petty just seven blossomed yet

9:33

what could i do to deserve this t

9:37

last week she got glamour shots and came

9:39

to school haha

9:42

the no that make up so

9:44

on her face she looks

9:46

like a prostitute

9:49

that was her goals

9:55

well kraken hamper this

9:58

is the under my love for you

9:59

the end of my heartbreaking

10:03

my eyes will no longer follow you don't

10:05

know how or on the football

10:06

you're a miracles

10:09

shadow in my mind

10:13

the the

10:17

diary yes i still think of craig

10:23

but that's not the big news i

10:25

say i think my ellenberger actually

10:27

like me

10:28

even then it's me and plays trumpet

10:30

fear the braces so do i but minor

10:33

clear

10:36

this weekend a bunch of a fun to the

10:38

dance and he asked me to the infinitely

10:40

we by giudice came on you

10:45

never asked him to dance but he said

10:47

now this morning he asked me

10:49

if me if to go the malls him on wednesday

10:51

and i said yes i'm excited

10:54

the your diary great news

10:56

a meal

10:57

i really hope the third so this is my

10:59

first boyfriend i don't wanna be

11:01

rushed into french kissing because i don't know how

11:07

i don't want to mature enough for him i'm

11:10

just really comfortable around him he

11:12

let me put his harem played zelda breath

11:21

your

11:24

diary me and that text the

11:27

first time today

11:30

i'd body was going to french kiss me

11:32

and i got nervous and accidently is

11:34

my body way and persistence the lockers

11:39

he often said i heard his wrist

11:43

i felt so stupid it's

11:46

now we never really seemed to want to kiss

11:49

really tickled each other something

11:52

is missing and missing think he's sensitive

11:54

why love so hard

11:59

here diaries mad have

12:02

been called me in today's it's making my stomach

12:04

her nothing we would laugh

12:06

together the vatican

12:08

different and didn't meet us that are usable thought

12:11

this morning i , to

12:13

skip van today either silly

12:15

manner ending before we even started

12:19

lindsay said that james some

12:21

smartness summit today at ben and called

12:23

him gay because he blew his that him

12:26

and he was wearing was ponytail wearing a of her

12:29

i'd heard a comment the new and he answered

12:31

this makes me feel even worse

12:35

well the moment

12:35

we knew it coming man i are over

12:38

he further use going

12:40

through some things that doesn't have time for

12:42

a girlfriend

12:43

you

12:46

got

12:47

i think i need to take a break from boys

12:50

it's obviously not working now and it's

12:52

not meant to be

12:53

home residents premonition that

12:56

i'm going to have a one night stand with someone when

12:58

i am

12:58

the morning

13:01

then after that

13:04

find the man of my dream but

13:06

then i will find out that had contracted

13:08

hiv

13:09

for my one night

13:11

and i will ruin my life will

13:15

ever find love family i'm

13:17

beginning to think dancers know

13:22

dear diary today was the best

13:24

say of my life and i know it's

13:27

you

13:30

well me a month he went to see

13:32

candle box remain a lot of cool

13:34

people he got it's free beer even

13:37

though i was too afraid to drink it

13:40

we went into the crowd and met these guys

13:42

the longer with long hair kept

13:44

talking to me well we're about

13:46

to leave he said soon i get a kiss and

13:49

as really size i said no

13:54

oh man i for lindsay kissing the other guy

13:56

so i was just gonna pack him

13:58

but he pushes tongue into my mouth

14:00

and i pulled away but then we just started cussing

14:02

again i could barely breathe

14:04

his name is etti

14:06

and it turns out that he is thirty

14:11

the anything

14:15

i know that

14:17

, old as dirt dirt

14:21

settling for less than we

14:23

so kevin marines the lead singer of

14:25

canada

14:26

we met him he is so

14:28

high and i gave him to hugs

14:31

and handshakes

14:34

an autograph my own ago

14:36

with the only one that had with love slowly

14:39

system

14:44

that was just go also mortified

14:47

event

14:52

the now a favorite from the mortified

14:54

archives also featuring jessica there

14:56

was originally heard in episode thirty four

14:59

when i return i felt a bit overshadowed

15:01

by my siblings

15:04

yeah oh my brother started

15:06

the high school football team and my

15:08

younger sister was the baby as a family

15:11

and i was convinced that my mom saw me

15:13

saw surge of the unremarkable

15:15

middle styles i

15:19

i desperately wanted to be one of the favorites

15:21

but i didn't know how so

15:24

one day is my mom said as down

15:26

and six photos that she was divorcing my dad

15:29

is and now just to keep the families

15:32

and he actually a flow she was going

15:34

to start her own business a cleaning

15:36

service and on my

15:38

mom who is a former beauty queen says all

15:40

these sites i hope show his

15:42

dreams bag anna she's

15:45

convinced that this the cleaning service

15:47

for their ticket out of the poorhouse so

15:50

and then she asked me and not

15:52

my siblings to be her first cleaning

15:54

us

15:54

and a

15:58

birthday photo finish

15:59

i was only ten years

16:02

old and i didn't want to be a cleaning lady

16:05

the hundred thirty things that i was more

16:08

unremarkable than i thought oh

16:11

but then i started to wonder that if

16:13

i helped her business succeed then

16:16

maybe that was exactly what i needed to do

16:18

to earn some favoritism in the household

16:20

so a thrown some rubber

16:22

gloves and i did

16:24

outside and my siblings

16:26

litter these

16:28

here diaries monks this

16:30

into the living room today to have a talk

16:32

about some family business

16:35

he decided that she will no longer be

16:37

a secretary but that now

16:39

she's going to own her own business cleaning

16:41

house

16:42

i hope this works out to she said

16:44

in five years will be living in a mansion

16:47

with maybe go card or an ice cream

16:49

machine in the basement and

16:54

five years they'll be for teams and

16:56

i guess they can wait so on

16:59

that part is they won't be writing so much

17:01

to diary because now i have a job

17:04

gas brain

17:06

can't clean for mom because he is rude

17:08

and only once escape or with night and

17:10

won't listen to anyone except for metallica

17:17

and he can hold because she is too young

17:19

and winds and cries of everything and

17:21

a scared someone's always hiding behind

17:23

our occur and the

17:26

that leads me so long diary

17:28

long this on

17:32

dear diary it got to

17:34

sweet valley the book and free babysitter

17:41

baby sitters club look for helping monitor

17:43

first

17:44

today and we didn't even really

17:46

and she just felt bad here's

17:48

what happened school

17:51

there the saw the kids that make fun of us for

17:53

being for and mole wouldn't you know it

17:55

that was months first client

17:59

i really angry

17:59

found that's where we're going but she

18:02

promised that they would not be home to see me

18:04

clean i knew they would make and

18:06

monster their dad is a lotta hope for the homeless

18:09

and how they are nice people

18:11

anyway of into the me

18:12

story diary

18:15

then we got there it was really quiet

18:17

and mom told me my job was to dust

18:20

collector garbage and vacuum i

18:22

was angry because the vacuum has two parts

18:24

select around and they have

18:26

the story secure

18:28

the belt the help me when all of a sudden we hear

18:30

a big set upstairs and a squeal

18:33

mumford it's probably a burglar

18:35

be very

18:36

quiet

18:40

well that scared the shit out amazing

18:44

by have been watching a lot of marriages

18:47

one it

18:51

the first moment going to go upstairs

18:53

and if she screamed at it's run across

18:55

to the neighbors i didn't want to do

18:57

that so i made a better plan to

18:59

give her a frying pan and i spray

19:02

them with when that

19:05

up vote hated affairs

19:08

he he was never there

19:10

he did his dad is

19:12

naked in bed for to home

19:14

with food with nothing

19:28

the home was not because

19:30

they were naked in couldn't afford close

19:35

my mom for me this later

19:39

anyway month screamed so loud

19:41

just run and they started screaming

19:44

the letter cleaning supplies and some

19:46

in the car like a speeding bullet

19:49

i didn't even notice that i was sitting on

19:51

a hot seat belt that nearly left to burn

19:53

marks on my legs there is so satan

19:57

mom and and laughing about it and she

19:59

bought me

19:59

the candy bars a coke and these books

20:06

no kind of scared that decides gonna

20:08

come to our health night and threatened mom

20:10

or try to make a deal on makes

20:12

her to sleep this way to sit next to the dad

20:15

to see case the

20:24

diary i know you're supposed

20:26

to pay attention in spurts but today

20:28

during mass same at school like

20:30

data the for burger kings chicken

20:32

tenders calling from the ceiling i

20:39

like them way better mcdonalds burger

20:43

king wins the round ronald

20:53

in your diary

20:55

here

20:58

food

21:00

beginning of ice cream later

21:03

then i realized that she only going to it's a

21:05

theme so he wouldn't be mad about her going

21:07

on a date with a loser to the bone

21:09

might save or i

21:12

him and his gold chain oh

21:18

poor for my mom is way more

21:20

beautiful than he is yeah

21:22

i think he dyed his hair blond can you

21:24

say ugly

21:29

your diary i just for down my and

21:31

frank's diary i

21:33

could really relate to her struggle

21:40

no i'm not doing

21:45

the evil make fun of me for being

21:47

for an agent so really bad

21:49

for the jewish people and their sufferings

21:52

i read

21:54

all of my sweet valley books and i don't

21:56

want this one to end zero

21:58

diary so old lady that list

21:59

the health a clean today taught me how to make

22:02

a bad properly she had really

22:04

bad breath sorry hold it in for a long

22:06

time

22:08

but i was encouraged us since i'm before

22:10

i almost passed self

22:14

i don't mind waiting for old people

22:16

because they're old and probably need

22:18

a break and probably don't

22:20

very good

22:22

i try and sort of them because they are lonely

22:25

but a few bad breath he needs to take

22:27

care of sleep

22:33

your day

22:34

the i'm in a clean the chiropractors

22:37

often i had to wear gloves

22:39

because there is all this medical stuff in the trash

22:42

if i get a disease from being a cleaning lady

22:44

i will divorced my mom

22:48

it's not their t and ryan don't have to help

22:50

and assess their faces at home while and

22:52

busting my ass anyway

22:55

, and i had to hide out in the office for

22:57

almost an hour says it's crazy

22:59

homeless man set up for in the front

23:01

of the door and it was eleven pm so

23:04

too scared to leave us in there we

23:06

turned out all the lights and late under one of the death

23:08

watching him well

23:12

i never wanted to leave simmons said we

23:14

could open the door and make and run for it's

23:18

so we didn't guess what

23:20

the homeless man a small case

23:22

to come near austin

23:26

and she went to grab a pizza or something

23:30

that means you'd have to pay for it

23:36

that heard about cleaning his mom

23:38

invite me snacks afterward but

23:40

i'm starting to get sat we're

23:43

playing hide and the class night for me

23:45

it's what says it for being so bags well

23:48

shit mom is a lunch lady at riverside

23:51

and probably makes in the same food for

23:53

dinner

23:58

dear diary

23:59

the monument watch the news

24:02

the night we all went to dinner and on the way

24:04

this guy was hitchhiking so mom

24:06

pulled over

24:09

the dot in the front seat and me chadian

24:12

ryan or in the back there really

24:14

big curly hair and was sweating a

24:16

lot

24:16

then diary

24:19

he farted really last

24:21

cent of the car well

24:25

it started laughing and

24:26

a monday that the cut it out faith

24:28

in the rear view didn't even roll down

24:30

the window

24:35

the dropped a smelly man off the gas station

24:37

but he could have kidnapped i

24:40

guess users twenty be a good person

24:42

and jesus look someone

24:43

i'm sure he would know or

24:53

diarrhea

24:54

the day was embarrassing we

24:57

cleaned for the super big lady unsigned

24:59

over five hundred pounds

25:02

it moves you good sir she was barking

25:04

at me and mom to do weird things like

25:06

take down the blinds and wash them

25:09

i hate it my clients or home when we clean

25:11

getaway

25:14

you that are just concerted bursting at

25:16

mom's when the third her cheers

25:18

started kissing and she goes

25:20

the

25:24

though on the floor including could

25:26

out because it's so sad should

25:29

have started wiggling like o'clock roots i

25:35

stared at her and was to say to help

25:37

her up

25:38

a lot of soon would say so

25:43

i ended up learning and i

25:45

just sit in the hawks are the rest the time i'm

25:47

almost done in

25:49

mom didn't get upset she

25:51

told me on the right

25:52

federal all the kids i

25:55

was the most reliable and not fishy

25:57

to me as or helper

26:00

we got sick you say com the way home

26:02

and had a good luck

26:09

this concludes today's episode

26:11

where we learned teenagers think they look really

26:13

cool when making out in the middle school hallways

26:16

but in reality gotten

26:18

them and accidently is my body weight

26:21

and persistence of the locker

26:22

yeah everything

26:25

, on t v show was true nobel

26:27

[unk] shankar exaggerating just got you

26:29

have an awkward awkward did you know that we make

26:31

stuff other than his podcast we do

26:34

visit get mortified dot com to get your

26:36

hands a great mortified gifts including

26:38

three books visual mortified t-shirts

26:40

or even are super fun game can't

26:43

believe i did that where you get to prompt friends

26:45

to share their own childhood stories

26:47

and if you've got kids age nine to thirteen

26:50

check out our hilarious and educational podcast

26:52

me just for tweens called poo

26:55

you're in trouble storytelling show that

26:57

says fun to say as it is the here and

27:00

for companies wishing to reach put jillions of

27:02

listeners with remarkable tastes email

27:04

sponsor at radio to be a fm

27:10

this series is a big team effort in our

27:12

podcast production team for this episode

27:14

includes hardly the on the needlework to

27:17

myself the unfettered some of the material featured

27:19

in this episode was produced of the stage by scott

27:21

lift in one of the many amazing producers

27:23

whose work like this stage of possible and

27:25

if you enjoyed jessica's ten year old maid segment

27:28

you can see her perform it in mortified

27:30

nation are feature length documentary

27:32

available now on amazon prime and

27:35

credit music by snakes snakes snakes this

27:37

has been mortified media production for

27:39

a utopia network from europe

27:42

so next time or remind you that we are freaks

27:44

your fragile and we all survived