0:01

Radio to p. From

0:04

PRX

0:07

Hi,

0:08

everybody. When I was in high school,

0:10

I had a problem that I would just blend in

0:13

with the crowd. And this was especially

0:15

difficult with dating. As

0:17

a teenager, David Escobedo was

0:19

sick and tired of being overlooked. He

0:21

wanted to be noticed. And then one

0:23

day I discovered theater. and

0:25

moreover that if he put his imagination

0:27

to use, he could possibly

0:30

move, you know, people, women with

0:32

the magic and the genius of my words. Right?

0:35

So I joined the drama club and I started

0:37

writing my own one act plays. But

0:39

the problem was I grew up in a very dull middle

0:42

class life. I had nothing to draw

0:44

from, but undeterred, I

0:46

I wrote about intense issues.

0:48

I had no idea about

0:50

From

0:52

Purex and radiotopia, I'm Neil, and

0:54

this is mortified. Today on the

0:56

show, the agony and accomplishments of

0:59

being the artsy kid in class, two

1:01

stories of shy kids who made an attempt

1:04

to fit in by transforming into

1:06

totally deep artsy Once

1:08

again, here's David Escobedo

1:10

at a mortified event in Los Angeles. So,

1:14

sadly, I never got the courage to put up any

1:16

of my place. until tonight.

1:18

So

1:24

wait till you hear it. this

1:28

play was supposed to be and I I'm being

1:30

serious at the time I thought it was the

1:32

greatest love story never

1:34

told. Okay. And

1:37

here to help me bring one of my plays,

1:39

an epic love story to life, are

1:41

tonight's members of the mortified community

1:43

players Rider Strong and

1:45

Gillian Jacobs. Without

1:54

further ado, we present here

1:58

to here.

2:03

open to a living room, inside

2:06

our scattered magazines in a few fall and

2:08

close. On top of the table, lay

2:10

a small stack of pictures and an open

2:12

photo album. There is a knock at

2:14

the door. A few

2:16

knocks. Until

2:18

a man's voice is heard off stage.

2:20

Hold on. A few

2:22

more knocks. I'll be right there. Lougher

2:25

knocks. Keep

2:28

your pants on. Martin

2:31

runs into the living room with his pants

2:33

being pulled over a pair of boxer

2:35

shorts.

2:39

he's having problems, especially

2:42

with in one tug and a trip He

2:44

lands on his face behind the couch. Finally,

2:47

he races to open the door and gets his

2:49

pants on. Hi, Clarissa.

2:51

salutations.

3:02

Yeah. Right back at you.

3:06

I love what you did to this place.

3:08

She looks around the room.

3:10

destroy it.

3:12

Clarissa lands on the couch.

3:14

So what's new Martin?

3:16

Meet any new hot babes?

3:18

No.

3:21

Could you hold on while I change my shirt?

3:23

She gives them a higher than thou look

3:25

and a sigh. I

3:28

guess so. He falls to his knees

3:30

and dramatically raises her. A thousand

3:33

my ever loving queen.

3:40

So how did the oceanography test

3:42

go?

3:43

Like

3:50

crap.

3:51

Why is that? I don't

3:52

know. It's just a bunch of water. How

3:55

can I screw up on a test about water?

3:58

He asked me about waves.

3:59

I asked him to wave

4:02

the test. He

4:06

waved the question. He waved

4:08

me to start the test, and

4:09

I waved hello to an s.

4:15

She starts staring at the pictures on

4:18

the table.

4:18

That's bad. Remember,

4:20

member if

4:21

you need a good friend, I'm here

4:25

to hear you. What

4:37

are these? Wait. Wait. Wait. Don't don't look

4:39

at those. He rushes to close the book and

4:41

collect the pictures. Missus the one

4:43

that Clarissa is holding. Give me that.

4:46

Wait,

4:46

who's this bearded guy with your mom?

4:48

My old postman, him and my mother were always

4:50

too close. Let's go.

4:57

Hold on. Tell me who

4:59

he really is. Our

5:00

personal toe liquor. Come on. We're out of

5:02

here. He begins pushing her for the door.

5:04

No, Martin. I wanna know for real.

5:06

Tell me who he is. I'm here.

5:09

to hear. Colds

5:19

her by the shoulders.

5:21

Do you really wanna know who he

5:23

is? Clarissa nods.

5:27

Do you want me to tell you, Clarissa Nods

5:30

again? He

5:33

gave me my first oral proctoriology examination

5:35

Martin. Don't worry. It was an oral

5:38

for me. Martin, tell

5:40

me. I want to Damn it, Clarissa.

5:44

Don't you know

5:44

when to stop? I'm

5:47

not gonna tell you, so just get off it.

5:49

Your life will go on with you not knowing, so let's

5:52

just go get the damn coffee and have

5:54

fun. Martin,

5:55

I'm here. Pause

5:59

to stare at Clarissa.

5:59

Clarissa,

6:01

I'm gonna ask

6:03

you a favor.

6:05

She nods.

6:06

Will you go

6:08

out with me

6:10

just for tonight? What

6:12

do you mean? I'm I'm

6:14

gonna tell you stuff that

6:17

I can't just tell a friend. I

6:20

need the person to be more Can

6:23

you do that for me?

6:25

She nods quietly. the

6:33

man in the picture, he's

6:35

my father.

6:36

Martin, I've met your father. He's

6:38

a little more than that. You've

6:40

met my stepfather. That's

6:42

my dad. Points to the picture.

6:44

My real dad. You

6:47

have a

6:48

a step dad. I've

6:52

had him ever since I've been twelve. The

6:56

guy in the picture is my real dad.

6:58

Comfort's Martin. I'm

7:00

so sorry. What

7:03

was he like? Everything.

7:09

He was nice. funny, caring,

7:13

and he had these

7:14

eyes. That's

7:17

what I remember most about him. His

7:21

eyes. They

7:23

were blue. As blue

7:25

as the ocean, his

7:28

heart shown from

7:30

those eyes. Well,

7:35

I

7:35

don't know if you got his eyes,

7:36

but you got his heart.

7:44

Let's go. I I wanna forget about this.

7:47

About everything.

7:48

Well,

7:50

that's funny because I wanna hear

7:53

about this, about

7:56

everything. Oh,

7:58

yeah. We're dating.

7:59

And we've been

8:02

dating long enough for me to know that there's more

8:04

to this story.

8:04

like an ending.

8:08

Doesn't have a good one.

8:10

Hey. Not all

8:12

stories have an ending that make you smile.

8:14

or cry.

8:20

He

8:23

was great for my mother.

8:26

not like Jim. Your

8:29

mother's boyfriend now. He

8:32

feeds

8:32

her. Jim does.

8:35

That's why I had to get out of there.

8:38

My mom would be all shaking,

8:41

washing dishes,

8:42

Her hands would be curled around the sponge

8:44

and dishes. Her cheeks

8:46

held trails of tears. On

8:49

the sides of her hand, bruises would

8:51

be painted. She

8:53

tried to defend herself, and

8:56

he'd still hit her. She would

8:58

try to save herself my beautiful

9:01

mother had to save herself from her

9:03

own husband. I would come

9:05

home and I couldn't even hug my mother without

9:07

her cringing from a bruise

9:10

or a broken one. or

9:12

a cut or bleeding.

9:20

Clarissa

9:20

Clarissa walks

9:22

over to the visibly distraught Martin and

9:25

holds him. Come here and

9:26

let me hold

9:27

you. he

9:30

crumbles into her arms. Martin,

9:33

you are an angel. To

9:36

experience these scenes

9:39

is horrible. Why?

9:40

Why did

9:42

you ever see such visions?

9:43

Martin,

9:47

I need you. Thanks.

9:53

Martin, I need you to talk to me.

9:55

because

9:56

I'm always here

9:59

to hear.

10:04

That

10:08

was David Escobedo, joined

10:10

by Gillian Jacobs and Ryder Strong, and

10:12

a mortified event in Los Angeles.

10:13

Hi.

10:16

I'm Lydia. And

10:20

as a kid, I was an

10:23

word book lover who

10:25

really wanted to connect with other

10:27

kids. I just

10:29

didn't understand how.

10:31

My parents were overly

10:33

protective. I wasn't allowed to

10:35

watch the Simpsons, let alone

10:37

MTV. And on

10:39

top of it, my grandfather was

10:41

a superstitious Boston

10:43

Metro Italian American

10:45

former chief of police. who

10:47

love to regail us with his stories.

10:50

So that combined with

10:52

nineteen eighties and nineteen nineties

10:54

stranger danger meant

10:57

I wasn't exposed to much.

10:59

I

11:00

really wanted kids to like me though,

11:02

so I tried on different hats.

11:04

to see what

11:06

would make me stand out. I

11:08

was

11:08

smart, but I went to a tiny Catholic

11:10

school where being smart wasn't special.

11:12

A lot of people were smart.

11:15

So

11:15

when Grunch hit,

11:18

I saw a way in.

11:26

writing songs.

11:28

I

11:28

penned a song with all the angst drinking

11:31

and hard drugs of the Grungera.

11:32

But I wrote

11:35

this in third grade. And

11:41

obviously, new

11:42

enough thing about that world. So

11:44

this is grunge interpreted

11:47

by a nine year old.

11:52

hey, therapist lady.

11:57

You are not very nice.

11:59

eighty dollars an hour.

12:04

Too much of a

12:05

surprise. stuck

12:08

here in the freaking

12:10

chair, not

12:11

going anywhere floating

12:14

in the ozone, Dan

12:16

Wright, I'm all alone. I'm all

12:18

alone. I

12:21

came to you for help. All I

12:23

got was crap. You

12:26

said I'd be fine. Yeah. Right.

12:28

I think I'll take

12:28

a nap.

12:33

My friends all got a date. broke

12:35

their curfew, stayed up late.

12:37

My life's just beginning

12:38

to suck. Fuck.

12:47

Help me, missus therapist.

12:48

I'm so messed up. I need

12:51

more booze.

12:58

So I spelled booze B00S

13:07

I'll go for a spin and get some

13:10

crack. But

13:15

don't worry. I'll

13:17

be back.

13:28

By fifth grade, I

13:31

preferred kids hard books

13:34

over Seattle sound. And

13:36

I read

13:36

a lot of RL Steins Fear

13:38

Street. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

13:40

Whoa. Whoa.

13:41

I started a writing club with the other

13:43

dork and read our stories

13:45

to each other at recess. Of

13:48

course, mine was in the style of

13:50

RL Stein.

13:53

Hi. My name is Anne

13:55

Farland, and I live at

13:57

eight

13:58

Fear Street.

13:59

across the street is a

14:02

house that I'm afraid of.

14:04

Chapter two. I

14:09

also did

14:09

not understand where to put Trevor Brakes.

14:12

On Halloween, by

14:14

friends, and I plan to go trick or

14:17

treating. It's nine PM. Gordon's

14:19

a ghost, Carolyn's a witch,

14:20

Brian's a vampire, Jacqueline's

14:23

a Gipsy.

14:24

I want to suck your blood.

14:27

Brian tried to buy all the girls,

14:30

including me. Okay.

14:32

I said, tonight, you all know

14:34

where we are going. To the monster

14:36

house, everyone screamed

14:39

chapter three. As

14:43

we went into

14:44

the overgrown garden, the

14:46

weeds seemed to be spelling out

14:49

beware. Look,

14:50

said Gordon. The

14:52

weeds are saying beware.

14:58

Brian was first to walk into the Shack.

15:01

There were no fresh footprints, but

15:02

I knew someone was inside.

15:05

chapter

15:05

four. How

15:08

I knew I

15:10

still don't know.

15:11

There

15:14

were blood

15:14

stained shelves. I heard

15:17

Gordon's teeth chattering. What he

15:19

was looking at was the scariest

15:21

thing I

15:21

ever saw. chapter five.

15:26

Blood jars. Two of them.

15:28

We reached a room with

15:29

a coffin in it. a

15:32

bony hand was lifting up the

15:34

cover. We all ran. The

15:36

thing chased us. I could feel it's a

15:38

breath on my shoulder. chapter

15:40

six.

15:43

Luckily,

15:48

Jackie new karate. She

15:52

knocked the zombie out.

15:59

In

15:59

junior high, I got bullied pretty

16:02

badly for my hair and my weight.

16:04

By ninth

16:04

grade, writing was still my

16:06

biggest solace, but it had

16:08

not made me

16:09

popular. When I got

16:11

an assignment for a history presentation,

16:13

I

16:14

embraced my nerdum and

16:17

tried a third new hat. I

16:19

wrote mine as a parody of

16:21

those Completion commercials in the

16:23

vein of now that's what I call music.

16:25

I set my history facts

16:28

to a Medley of nineties pop

16:30

songs. think

16:32

Sarah McLaughlin's angel,

16:34

but

16:36

in the arms of

16:38

never goodness.

16:41

I

16:43

called the compilation, the voices

16:45

of History Collection, Mesopotamia

16:48

Edition. This

16:54

was how

16:54

I explained how the hittites

16:57

built their empire out

16:59

of iron.

17:01

young men, there's a place you

17:03

can come. I said, young men,

17:06

when bronze you have not,

17:08

we make everything that you need to when

17:10

joy. Speers, chefs,

17:12

acts as at your doors.

17:16

We're gonna make some.

17:19

I know, Rowan. We're

17:21

gonna make some. I know.

17:23

And And

17:34

now, I wasn't afraid to sample from

17:36

multiple genres. Like, in

17:38

this one about King Henry

17:41

Robbie,

17:41

to a popular song. I

17:44

hadn't even really heard.

17:46

My my my

17:48

name is Hammer. I'm the leader as a pack. I

17:50

live in Babylon. We're ready to attack. I

17:53

came up with Luz on a stone. Got a

17:55

problem with that. Come and see me

17:56

at my throne. touch this.

18:06

I

18:07

also wrote this one

18:10

about how the Hebrews were the

18:12

first religion that

18:14

worshiped only one

18:15

god.

18:23

South of

18:25

Venetia was

18:28

Palestine. The Hebrews lived

18:30

by the Jordan the

18:32

pharaohs enslaved

18:32

them, but they ran away

18:34

and ran to the land promise

18:36

to them. So,

18:37

no, they don't need those

18:40

Cyrus.

18:40

No. They don't want Ahmed

18:43

Ray? No. They will follow

18:45

Arimah. Yeah.

18:46

They just wanna worship yahweh.

18:57

They were the

18:57

first a month of the history. Who influenced?

18:59

Any religions as well. That's

19:04

that verse. David

19:07

slew Goliath when he was just a boy, and

19:09

so he became the new king.

19:11

When his heir died, the taxes

19:13

weren't too cheap. He per split in

19:15

to two kingdoms, Israel and

19:18

Judah would then get beat, but

19:20

would keep their religious traditions,

19:22

so No. They don't

19:24

need Alzheimer's. No.

19:26

They don't want it up and

19:28

right? No. They won't follow,

19:30

Ariman. Yeah. They just wanna

19:32

worship y'all away. So

19:46

my performance

19:49

actually made the bullying stop.

19:56

and

19:57

earned me an odd

20:00

respect for my peers.

20:02

Look,

20:03

Later that spring, I started

20:05

my undefeated run at student

20:07

council elections and

20:10

became class president. It

20:14

made me realize that maybe being

20:17

funny was a good way to relate

20:20

to people. I

20:21

don't make up history lyrics to pop songs

20:24

anymore. But but

20:28

I can't hear no scrubs

20:31

without singing. No. I don't need

20:33

those

20:33

service. Thanks.

20:38

That was

20:41

Lydia

20:41

Nelson at a mortified event in

20:43

Austin, Texas. And this concludes

20:46

our look at artsy kids, where we

20:48

learned, look, I'm not always

20:50

gonna be around. But

20:51

when I'm here I'm

20:53

here. to hear. Everything

20:59

shared on today's show was true. No

21:01

embellishing, no exaggerating, just god

21:03

given offense. Of course, if you're craving

21:06

more mortification, today's episode

21:08

pairs nicely with episode seventy,

21:10

jagged little parodies, and

21:12

episode one eleven drama club kids.

21:14

And did you know we make stuff

21:16

other than this podcast, we do

21:18

visit get mortified dot com to get your

21:20

hands on tickets to upcoming mortified live

21:22

events and other great gifts, including our

21:24

third books, official mortified shirts or even our

21:26

Super Fund Party game, I can't believe I did

21:28

that, where you get the prompt friends to

21:30

share their own childhood stories.

21:32

And if you've got kids tied to

21:34

their team, check out our hilarious and educational

21:36

podcast made just for tweens called, oh,

21:38

you're in trouble, a storytelling show

21:40

that says fun to say.

21:42

as it is to hear, and for companies

21:45

wishing to reach Cajilians of listeners with

21:47

remarkable taste, email sponsor at

21:49

radiotopia dot f m.

21:53

This series is a big team effort and our

21:55

podcast production team for this episode

21:57

includes Hadley, Dion, Dave Nadelberg

21:59

and myself. You

21:59

catch it. Some of the material featured in this

22:02

episode was produced for stage by

22:04

Erika Lee's who's just one of the many

22:06

amazing producers who work make the stage

22:08

show possible, and credit music by

22:10

snake snake snakes. This has been a

22:12

mortified media production for

22:14

radiotopia, a network of

22:16

PRX. Until next time, we remind you that we

22:18

are freaks, we are fragile, and we

22:21

all survived.