0:03

From

0:12

PRX,

0:13

this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Meg

0:15

Bowles, and in this show we have stories

0:17

of assumptions, missteps,

0:19

and misinterpretations, books

0:22

judged by covers, and other things

0:24

that may not be exactly as they

0:26

appear. Our first story

0:28

falls into the category of careful what you

0:30

wish for. Sharon Zegan shared

0:33

it at a Grand Slam we produced in New York City,

0:35

where WNYC is a media partner of

0:38

the Moth. Here's Sharon.

0:39

I

0:43

was 33 and I really wanted a boyfriend.

0:47

Everybody was in couples, or so it seemed. My

0:49

friends were getting married, some were having kids,

0:52

and I was dating. I was dating a lot, but

0:54

I was tired of dating. I wanted to

0:56

get to the living together, spend

0:58

an evening in sweatpants in front of the TV, eat

1:01

scrambled eggs for dinner, go to

1:03

bed to sleep together without sleeping together,

1:06

but I never made it that far. I

1:09

felt inferior for not making it to the sweatpants

1:11

stage. So when I met

1:13

this guy who was really into me, I thought

1:15

to myself, this time I'm going

1:17

to pull through.

1:19

I'm going to work really hard to make it stick.

1:22

And it started well. We were dating,

1:24

we were dating a lot, spending weekends

1:26

together, obvious Fridays, and

1:29

at some point it was clear. I had a boyfriend.

1:31

What an accomplishment, success.

1:34

There were just a few hiccups.

1:36

We had nothing in common. I

1:39

wasn't really attracted to him. I

1:42

basically wanted him gone. So

1:46

I was living this battle between heart

1:48

and mind for a few months, until

1:50

at some point I thought to myself, okay, enough. This

1:53

is it. It's too much. I'm going to have

1:55

the conversation with him. We're going

1:57

to go up north hiking this weekend, and on the

1:59

way back...

1:59

We'll look each other in

2:02

the eyes, we'll hug it out, and go

2:04

our separate ways. Okay, so we're on

2:06

this mountain hiking when a guy in an

2:08

ATV stops next to us and asks, do

2:10

you want to ride to the top of the hill to see the view? And

2:13

we say sure, and we jump on, we get to the top of

2:15

the hill, and it's beautiful, and then he turns the

2:17

wheel to take us off the hill and puck. The

2:20

whole thing flips over. And

2:22

as I fall to the ground, I think to myself, this

2:24

isn't too bad, puck. When

2:27

I face the ground, my boyfriend falls on top

2:29

of me, the driver on top of my boyfriend.

2:32

They get up and give me a hand, but

2:34

I can't get up. There's pain

2:36

shooting through my body from head to

2:38

toe, and all I can say is, hospital,

2:42

so my boyfriend takes me there. Or

2:44

I'm told that I broke my pelvis in five

2:46

different places and my shoulder, and

2:49

I need to be admitted to the hospital for six

2:51

weeks for this to heal. So

2:54

now I'm living my life in the hospital.

2:56

My mom, who

2:57

hasn't seen me naked in 20 years, comes

3:01

in every day for the shower ritual when

3:03

she kneels in front of me and helps me soak

3:05

my feet. My friends

3:07

have a shift list, so there's people with

3:09

me all the time. And my boyfriend, he's

3:12

also there. Almost every day, he

3:14

comes in with something sweet to eat. He sits

3:16

around and watches the crappy TV with me. He

3:19

helps me pass the time. He's

3:21

a really likeable guy. I just don't like

3:23

him.

3:23

But

3:26

I can't break up with him. What

3:28

am I going to break up from? There's no boyfriend

3:31

activity going on here. I'm helpless

3:33

in a hospital bed. What am I going to

3:35

say? I want to start seeing other patients. So,

3:40

you know, I just need to pull

3:42

through, and also, I still have a boyfriend.

3:45

So six weeks finally go

3:47

by, and he comes to help me go home. He's

3:50

in a wheelchair at this point, and he drives me

3:52

home and gets me in the apartment. I

3:55

take a shower. He helps

3:55

me get into my PJs. I'm on the couch,

3:57

and I say to him,

3:59

soccer on

4:00

Thursday night and he says no it's your first night

4:02

back home I want to stay with you. I'm like no no no

4:05

go go just go and

4:07

he does and I'm home and

4:10

I'm in privacy and it's quiet bliss

4:12

and I think tomorrow will have that final

4:14

conversation

4:16

when the phone rings it's him

4:19

he says only seven words I'm

4:21

in the hospital come get me. So

4:27

I call my friend she puts me in a wheelchair

4:29

she drives me to the car she puts me in

4:31

the car she takes me out of the car she puts me in my

4:33

wheelchair she pushes me down

4:35

the long corridor that leads to

4:37

the emergency room and out

4:39

comes my boyfriend

4:40

in a wheelchair.

4:44

He broke his leg playing

4:46

soccer it's gonna take six

4:48

weeks to

4:49

heal.

4:53

Side note this guy is

4:56

disconnected from his family has no

4:58

close friends lives in a four-story

5:00

walk-up I have no choice I

5:02

invite him to stay with me.

5:06

So now we're living together

5:13

we're spending every night in sweatpants in

5:15

front of the TV we're

5:17

having scrambled eggs for dinner we're

5:20

going to bed to sleep together but we're

5:22

not sleeping together I'm

5:25

living the dream and it feels like a nightmare

5:30

but I can't break up with him he

5:33

was so good to me he took care of me what am I gonna

5:35

do so I'm out to the street so

5:38

I just need to pull through but

5:40

at this point it's like I'm doing time okay

5:43

I finally moved from wheelchair to crutches

5:46

and I go back to my university classes and

5:48

this cute guy I've been eyeing forever finally

5:50

talks to me but I can't see him I

5:52

have a boyfriend right

5:55

and this time period feels like forever

5:57

on the day that my boyfriend got his casting

5:59

taken off from the hospital, he came home with

6:02

Chinese food, and he sat me down and said,

6:04

listen, when I met you, I didn't

6:06

really want a girlfriend, but I was so into you. The

6:09

thing is that you wanted a boyfriend, but you're

6:11

not into me. And we looked each other

6:13

in the eyes, and we hugged it out, and I felt

6:15

relief sweep through my body. But

6:18

at the same time, I started crying and

6:20

crying, because I realized, I don't have a

6:22

boyfriend anymore. Only

6:25

a couple of months later, when I

6:27

finally started dating that cute guy from university,

6:30

14 years and counting, I realized

6:35

that when it sticks, you just don't have to work

6:37

that hard.

6:38

Thank you. Sharon

6:40

Fagan and her ex-boyfriend parted

6:47

on friendly terms and

6:47

eventually lost touch. She

6:51

said, we

6:53

shared a difficult period

6:54

and helped each other through it, so

6:56

to me, that's important and special. These

6:59

days, Sharon is living in Tel Aviv

7:01

with that cute guy she mentioned in the story

7:03

who is now her husband, and they have

7:06

two daughters. She says their marriage

7:08

is going strong, and though he can sometimes

7:10

drive her crazy, she never wants him

7:12

gone. And she feels very lucky

7:15

to have moved it.

7:19

Next up, we have a story from Bill

7:22

Dempsey. He shared it at a story

7:24

slam we produced at the Housing Works in New

7:26

York City, where WNYC

7:28

is a media partner of the mall.

7:31

Here's to that.

7:36

I didn't sign the card.

7:38

It wasn't a conscious choice. I

7:42

wasn't avoiding the card. I didn't know the card existed.

7:45

It never made its way to my desk,

7:47

so thus, I never signed the card. I didn't seek

7:49

it out.

7:51

The reason the card was being sent around was

7:53

in response to the email that came out on Monday. The

7:57

email told us that

7:59

one of the creative directors had lost her partner over the

8:01

weekend unexpectedly.

8:04

And the email also told us that there would be a wake

8:07

on Thursday night. Now I didn't know enough to

8:09

sign the card, but I did know enough that when

8:11

an email comes out and tells you that there's a wake for

8:13

the creative director's partner on

8:15

Thursday night, you bring a sport coat to work

8:18

and you leave at a respectable time on Thursday and go and pay

8:20

your respects, which is what I did. When

8:23

I showed up at the funeral home, I

8:26

noticed a couple of my coworkers in the back, so I sort of blended

8:28

in with them and we sat down and one of my coworkers

8:30

had never been to a Catholic wake. And

8:33

so we were sort of discussing the etiquette of

8:35

the whole situation. I don't

8:37

know if any of you have not been to a Catholic

8:40

wake, but the coffin

8:42

was in the front of the room, open.

8:45

You can either go open or closed. This was open. And

8:48

so our coworker that had never been there

8:50

before responded with what I thought was

8:52

the appropriate amount of horror slash

8:55

fascination at the ritual

8:58

that I had been accustomed to since I was about 10 years old,

9:01

coming from a large Irish Catholic family. The

9:04

line started forming. People form a line and

9:06

go up and pay their respects. And so we got in line.

9:08

And when I got up to the casket, I knelt

9:10

and pretended to pray because it

9:13

seemed like the right thing to do. I

9:15

kept it short, but not dismissive. After

9:21

a few seconds, I crossed myself and

9:23

stood up and shifted

9:25

off to my left, which is where the

9:28

bereaved were standing. And

9:31

then you wait in the line again to say

9:35

how sorry you are about the passing of this person

9:37

you've never met before, which

9:40

I was happy to do. It was at this point that I noticed that

9:42

the creative director was flanked

9:44

on one side by her assistant, someone

9:46

I knew was slightly better. See, the creative director and I, we

9:49

did not know each other very well. There was about, at

9:51

this point in my career, in about 150

9:54

person group, you could say probably 50 of

9:57

those people were my superiors. And

10:01

I didn't interact with them on a daily

10:03

basis very often. My direct

10:05

report I did interact with, but other than that,

10:07

it was like a series of faces and names and like,

10:09

could that person fire me? Can this? I

10:12

don't know. Her

10:15

assistant, however, I had had a few personal

10:18

email exchanges with and had seen her after

10:20

drink a few times. And so there was a familiar face,

10:22

which I would later find out it would

10:24

have been much better had she been a worse

10:27

employee and did not attend the wake of

10:30

her boss's partner. Becomes

10:33

my turn, I walk up to the creative director and

10:35

I extend my hand along with my condolences

10:38

and immediately I'm shocked to

10:40

be engulfed in this deep

10:43

emotional hug. And

10:46

I hug her back because that's

10:48

what you do. And I'm just chucking

10:50

it up to the emotion of the week and the day and

10:52

what this woman must be going through. And so

10:54

I hug her back and the hug ends and I pull

10:57

back and she looks me directly

10:59

in the eye and her eyes are rimmed with tears. And

11:01

she says, it means so much that you came. And

11:05

I say, of course I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I

11:07

wouldn't not come. And she says, and

11:09

I need you to know what

11:12

you wrote in the card was so beautiful and

11:15

meant so much to me over these past couple of days. The

11:22

card I did not sign. Immediately

11:25

I have two options open to me, both of them horrible.

11:31

First I can say, no, no, you're wrong.

11:34

You've made a horrible mistake. I'm

11:36

not who you think I am, nor did I sign

11:38

your card. The

11:41

second option, while also slightly repellent

11:43

to me personally, felt like the

11:46

more merciful way to handle the situation,

11:50

which is how, as this woman was

11:52

thanking me for something that helped her through this

11:54

moment of grief, I became a sympathy

11:57

card plagiarist. I

12:01

didn't want to, but I had to. And

12:04

so I said, it was nothing.

12:09

Please don't mention it. And I tried to move

12:12

left to get away and let the other people

12:14

come and say they were sorry. But as I

12:16

move to someone who I've never met before and who

12:18

I'll never see again, to say I'm sorry about the dead

12:21

person who I've never met before and I'll never see again, I hear

12:23

the creative director lean in to

12:26

her assistant and whisper,

12:28

who is that?

12:32

And her assistant whispers back,

12:34

that's Bill Dempsey.

12:36

He works on the ninth floor analysis group.

12:40

And immediately I'm back in front of her. She

12:42

grabs my arm and she's apologizing to me. I'm

12:45

so sorry, Bill. I thought you were

12:47

someone else that spent such a long week and I say, please

12:50

don't apologize to me. I can't imagine the week you've

12:53

been through. I can't imagine what's

12:55

going on. If anyone deserves a pass

12:57

from mistaking a coworker for someone

12:59

else tonight, it's you. Please

13:02

don't give it a second thought. And

13:05

that's when she looks at me and says, you

13:08

didn't sign the card. Thank

13:12

you.

13:16

Bill Dempsey eventually

13:19

moved into a new position in his company and

13:21

ended up working with that grieving creative director

13:24

on a few projects. But they never

13:26

mentioned the events at the wake again. Bill

13:29

is now an associate creative director with

13:31

the same company, a popular streaming service

13:33

where he manages a team of producers who make

13:36

trailers and promos

13:37

for TV shows. He's

13:38

a father of two and when

13:41

he's not playing guitar and writing music,

13:43

he's helping out at Little League in an unofficial

13:46

capacity as the first dad off

13:48

the bench. I

13:50

asked Bill if looking back, he would have done

13:52

anything differently. And he said, I still

13:55

think I made the right decision in the moment,

13:58

supporting someone who is grieving. Taking

14:00

credit for thoughts you would have put into

14:02

a card had you known of its existence is

14:05

less wrong than pointing out that they've mistaken

14:07

you for someone else. Nine

14:09

out of ten cases I probably would have shuffled

14:11

down the line and she would have forgotten, but

14:14

I just happen to be the

14:15

tenth case. Coming

14:22

up,

14:22

all signs point to romance. Or

14:24

do they? When the Moth Radio Hour

14:26

continues.

14:27

The

14:31

Moth Radio Hour is produced

14:34

by Atlantic Public

14:36

Media

14:37

in Woods Hole, Massachusetts

14:50

and presented by PRX.

14:55

This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX.

14:57

I'm Meg Bull. Part of the thrill

15:00

of blooming romance is the uncertainty.

15:03

Will they? Won't they? Do they?

15:05

Don't they? It's often full of mixed

15:07

signals that keep you guessing. Sometimes

15:10

it goes terribly wrong and sometimes

15:12

it's the beginning of a sweet love story. Our

15:15

next storyteller, Isamula Alika

15:17

Molesi, shared her story at a main

15:19

stage we produced in Nairobi, Kenya.

15:22

Here's Molesi, live at the Moth. I

15:26

was six years old when my dad

15:29

called me to the living room and

15:31

said,

15:32

daughter, as you're growing up,

15:34

I want you to always remember these

15:37

three rules. Number

15:39

one, do not have sex until

15:41

you get married. Number two,

15:44

do not be in

15:45

a relationship with a man until

15:47

you finish your undergraduate. And

15:49

number three, which I'm really,

15:52

really emphasizing, do not

15:54

allow a man to waste your

15:56

time. Have you heard me?

15:58

I said, yes, dad.

15:59

I hear you.

16:01

I walked away not

16:03

so sure if I had understood

16:07

everything

16:07

that my dad told me. I

16:10

head on to these rules and

16:12

my life basically revolved

16:15

around

16:16

school such home.

16:18

School such home.

16:21

In primary school my boyfriend

16:24

wondered is there a problem with my

16:26

legacy. He tried to hook me

16:28

up with boys or with a boy

16:31

and I said no at some point

16:34

I used to run away after lessons.

16:38

After I finished my high school

16:40

I got good grades that

16:42

enabled me to secure a position

16:45

at the University of Nairobi to

16:47

study political science

16:50

and public administration. One

16:53

time in my past year I decided

16:55

to go and apply for my passport. I

16:58

walked into the building, took

17:01

my ticket and I sat down

17:03

waiting for my king.

17:05

Where I was fitted it was

17:08

right or opposite the entrance.

17:11

This good looking, homobantly

17:14

broad moon walked

17:17

in. He took his

17:19

ticket and sat in

17:21

the same room where I was sitting. He

17:25

tried to get my attention but

17:27

I did not bother. He

17:31

then came closer and

17:33

tried to say hi. I was

17:36

busy scrolling through my phone. He

17:38

then went ahead and told me, hi

17:41

girl my name is so and

17:43

so and I don't have any problem I

17:45

just want to know you.

17:48

I gave him a cold answer, hi.

17:52

He then said,

17:54

why are you here? I told him

17:56

I'm here to apply for my passport. He also told me that

17:59

that he was there to apply to renew

18:02

his passport. Later

18:05

on,

18:06

after the conversation went on and

18:08

he insisted on just knowing me, we

18:11

ended up exchanging contacts. And

18:14

his voice was so soft, and

18:16

he listened to me and he just wanted to

18:18

know more about me. Later

18:21

on in the evening, he gave me

18:23

a call. The first time, I

18:26

did not speak.

18:27

The second time, I did not

18:29

speak. The third time,

18:32

I decided, let me click and see

18:34

what he has to say. Softly

18:40

in a gentle voice, he said,

18:42

it was a pleasure meeting you during

18:45

the day.

18:46

You were so kind to me, and

18:49

I would like to know

18:50

more about you. Is

18:52

it okay if you can plan to miss

18:55

the following day in the morning so that

18:57

I can just know much more

18:59

about you?

19:01

I kinda hesitated, but

19:02

I said, it's okay, we can meet. The

19:06

following day when we met,

19:08

I realized we were dressed in the same

19:10

way. He was in a khaki chorza

19:13

and a striped shirt. I was

19:15

also dressed kind of the same way. And

19:18

he mentioned, indeed,

19:20

marriage are made in heaven.

19:23

I smiled, I didn't say anything. He

19:28

requested, if it's okay, be passed by

19:30

the supermarket and pick an

19:32

item.

19:33

The item was a calendar planner

19:35

for the mom, for the grandma who

19:38

was diabetic, and he needed

19:40

to remind the grandma to be taken

19:42

care of.

19:43

He said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

19:46

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And

19:49

he needed to remind the grandma

19:52

to be taking the medicine at a certain

19:54

time, and she marks the

19:56

calendar. I did not

19:58

hesitate, we took the calendar. calendar planner,

20:01

went to the place where he was supposed to

20:03

pay, and even before the QR

20:06

code was scanned, he saved

20:09

that digit from his memory.

20:12

Then I saved in a joking way, our

20:15

children

20:15

would be so brilliant.

20:23

We walked out, went

20:25

to the restaurant. He requested

20:27

me to order for anything

20:30

that I needed,

20:31

he will pay for this.

20:34

I had taken heavy breakfast that

20:36

morning, so I was not that angry.

20:38

I ordered for a dresser tip

20:41

thing. We continued talking,

20:44

our conversation revolved around

20:46

the position of

20:48

women in the society, how

20:50

to survive in business as

20:52

he was dealing with importing electronic

20:55

goods from China. He showed

20:57

me photos

20:58

of his business, the

21:00

milestones that he had made, and

21:03

he was just telling me how he had

21:05

all the money that he needed and what he

21:08

was missing in his life was a beautiful

21:10

woman like me.

21:16

At that point, my heart

21:19

began to melt a bit. I

21:22

think I was starting to be attracted to

21:25

him. In the

21:27

midst of us talking, he

21:29

looked at his watch, and

21:32

he gave me a sign like something was

21:34

amiss. He said

21:36

he needed to remind his grandma

21:39

to take medicine because she was diabetic.

21:43

He took his phone from the pocket

21:45

and he told me, oh, I'm

21:48

sorry, my phone is off and I

21:50

can't make this call. I said,

21:54

how can I help you? Then

21:56

he told me in a bit embarrassing

21:59

way. Is it okay

22:01

you just helped me with your phone so

22:03

that I can make the call?

22:05

I did not hesitate because

22:08

I wasn't, that

22:08

is the only help I could offer.

22:10

He had an iPhone and

22:12

I had an Android. I

22:15

handed over my phone to him. He

22:17

dialed the number, said, hello,

22:20

grandma, and then he gave me a cell.

22:22

Give me a minute. I am coming

22:25

back. The restaurant

22:27

we were in was a bit

22:29

noisy, so I concluded he has

22:31

worked out because he's not able

22:34

to hear the sickly voice of his

22:36

grandma.

22:40

I saw him making the call at the,

22:44

somewhere at the

22:44

exit of the restaurant, and

22:47

I was so sure that he's coming back.

22:50

After a while, he walked out, and

22:52

that is how I saw him. There after,

22:55

I waited five minutes,

22:57

turned into 30 minutes,

23:01

one hour, one

23:03

and a half hours, two hours,

23:06

three hours. The

23:15

man did not show up. I

23:20

screamed as loud

23:22

as my voice could allow me. I

23:25

felt so silly and embarrassed

23:26

in that restaurant.

23:29

The waiter came and told me, madame, you have

23:31

to pay the bills. I

23:34

asked him, and he said, if you're concerned about my

23:36

feelings,

23:41

I requested, please

23:44

help me with your phone. I want to confirm

23:46

something. I

23:50

dialed my number, and

23:52

it was off. That's

23:54

when the reality hit

23:56

me. My phone was

23:59

gone.

24:00

I walked out, went into

24:02

the bathrooms, looked myself

24:05

into the mirror. My eyes were

24:07

full of tears. I knew

24:09

I had broken my dad's rules.

24:12

I knew I had disappointed him. I

24:15

was so embarrassed about myself.

24:19

Later on, I decided I'm going to report

24:21

the matter to the police. And

24:23

after giving the description, I was

24:26

told the man was in the

24:28

list of the most wanted criminals

24:30

in Nairobi.

24:33

The day after I met with my friends,

24:36

I told them everything that had

24:38

happened. They were so sorry for

24:40

me

24:41

and they told me, you know what, Malesi?

24:44

It's okay. We are sorry about that.

24:46

But you wouldn't have known what

24:48

it means to go out for a date

24:51

if you never gave him a chance. Now

24:53

you know. Thank

24:54

you. That was Ikumuula

24:57

Elika Mleci.

25:00

She's

25:03

a master's degree student at Kenyatta University

25:06

pursuing gender and development studies.

25:09

After that incident, Mleci said she took

25:11

her sweet time before going on another

25:13

date. And when she did, she was

25:16

very cautious and always looking

25:18

for red flags. Eventually,

25:20

Mleci found love and is now married

25:23

and a parent herself and is preparing to

25:25

pass down her own advice. Mleci

25:28

participated in the Moth Global Community

25:30

Workshops and the Moth Masterclass Program

25:33

and uses storytelling as a tool in her workplace

25:35

to enable girls and young women to speak

25:38

out. She believes that through stories,

25:40

people from different corners of the world connect

25:43

and become one community. You

25:45

can find out more about Mleci and the Moth

25:47

Global Program on our website, themoth.org.

25:53

Next up, another story about

25:55

love, but this time about the things that

25:57

are left unsaid. Mike Wong.

26:00

shared it at a grand slam we produced in San Francisco.

26:03

Live from the Castro Theater,

26:05

here's Mike Wong.

26:13

My Sunday mornings often began

26:15

in one way. Me unloading

26:18

a full dishwasher. The

26:21

remnants of the dinner party that I would host the night before.

26:24

My love language is cooking elaborate

26:27

meals

26:28

and then pretending that I did not

26:30

spend 13 hours for it

26:34

with the people I care about. I'm

26:36

the son of two Chinese immigrants. This

26:39

is how we love. This Sunday

26:41

morning was a little different. I get a phone

26:43

call from my dad. I look at my phone. It's

26:46

on WeChat and I'm reminded he's in Shanghai

26:48

seeing my extended family.

26:50

I answer, hey, Baba. Hey,

26:53

Dad.

26:56

Shillama. Lian

26:58

is my name in Chinese and chilama

27:01

means have you eaten? You

27:04

see, in Chinese culture, rather than greeting

27:06

someone with hello or good morning or how are

27:08

you, you say, shillama, have

27:11

you eaten? When

27:13

you care about somebody in our culture, you

27:16

want to make sure that they've eaten enough.

27:20

I reply, I just had a little coffee, Dad. How

27:22

about you? And he says, Lian,

27:26

I have something to tell you.

27:28

Your grandfather has passed away.

27:32

The funeral's in two days.

27:34

My heart sinks.

27:37

What do you say to your father when

27:40

he has just lost his own father? Are

27:43

you OK? I'm sorry. I

27:47

love you, Dad.

27:48

I'm here for you.

27:51

Yours are not the words that I said. I

27:53

have never said I love you to my Dad. My

27:56

Dad has never said I love you to me. I

28:00

don't imagine my grandfather, his father,

28:02

had ever said, I love you to him either. And now

28:04

he would never hear it. That does

28:06

not mean that I did not grow up in the family

28:09

filled with love. I did. I love

28:11

yous were just expressed through different

28:13

ways. The I love yous I felt

28:15

were through 7 a.m. mornings where my parents

28:18

both would be up, giving me

28:20

a warm breakfast and then driving me an hour

28:22

into New York so I could go to school. We lived in

28:24

New Jersey. The I love yous I

28:26

felt were fresh cut fruit that they left

28:28

outside my room at midnight

28:31

while I was still studying. The I love yous that

28:33

I felt were measured in the hours that

28:35

pork belly was braised and the number

28:37

of chive shrimp dumplings they made. Love

28:41

between the lines.

28:44

I replied to my dad, dad,

28:47

what can I do? How can I help? And

28:49

my dad replied,

28:51

there's nothing that you need to do. Everything

28:53

is taken care of here. You don't

28:55

need to come to Shanghai to the funeral. Focus

28:58

on your work. Your career is most

29:00

important right now. We'll be okay.

29:02

Don't worry.

29:05

Normally I would have said yes and obey.

29:08

In Chinese culture, respecting your elders is

29:10

one of our core values. But

29:13

I paused.

29:14

What if

29:16

what my dad wanted was

29:18

not what he needed? I

29:21

heard myself say, no dad, I'm

29:24

gonna go to Shanghai. I'm gonna buy a ticket right

29:26

after this call. I want to be

29:29

there. I need to be there. And

29:31

to my surprise, he said, okay.

29:35

I even think I heard a little relief in his voice.

29:37

Next day I fly to Shanghai. I get

29:39

to my grandparents house, knock

29:42

on the door. My dad opens

29:44

the door.

29:46

What do you do when you see your

29:48

dad

29:49

for the first time since he's lost his father?

29:51

Do you handshake? Do

29:54

you wave? Do you hug? Before

29:57

I can do anything, my dad takes a step

29:59

forward. and grabs my

30:01

two bags and takes it to my room. I

30:05

walk in, I say hello to my uncle, he

30:08

says, Shillama! Before

30:10

I can say anything, he hands me his two

30:13

marbled tea eggs, those are his specialty. I

30:15

start eating them. I walk over

30:17

to my mom, my aunt, and my grandma, they're all

30:19

sitting down folding silver paper

30:22

into ingots. Inks are a Chinese

30:24

coin that are shaped like dumplings and

30:27

the ritual is the more ingots that you

30:30

fold, the idea is that when you burn

30:32

it or you bury it in the coffin, that's

30:35

what the deceased, my grandfather, would have

30:37

in the afterlife. We must

30:39

have folded a thousand ingots

30:41

in silence that night. The

30:44

next day was the funeral. My

30:46

dad gave the eulogy.

30:49

He cried.

30:52

I was asked at the end to go up with my two

30:54

uncles and my dad to

30:56

nail the four corners of

30:58

the coffin shut before it was

31:01

sent for cremation. I

31:05

was sad, but really

31:08

glad I could be there to support my family. The

31:11

next day, I had to go back to San Francisco.

31:14

My flight was at 7am and

31:16

my parents insisted on taking

31:18

me to the airport. We're

31:21

at the gate and we begin our traditional

31:23

goodbyes. I hug my mom

31:26

and then my mom

31:28

nudges me and says,

31:31

go hug your dad. I

31:34

pause,

31:36

freeze, and then I take a step

31:38

forward. And

31:40

my dad

31:42

said something.

31:43

He sticks out his hand and says, no, we

31:47

handshake. I

31:53

walk

31:53

to the gate, the security, right as I'm

31:55

about to go to the security check.

32:00

Right before I'm out of earshot,

32:02

I hear him say, Liao, Sei

32:05

fai ji sha chih chi rian dong xi.

32:09

Liao,

32:10

make sure you go eat something on the plane.

32:16

I will, Dad. Dad,

32:19

make sure you eat

32:21

something too. Thank

32:22

you. Thank you.

32:31

Mike Wong lives in Oakland,

32:34

California with his wife and dog-like

32:36

cat, Ender. He says his

32:39

six-word bio would be, Banker

32:41

turned educator, Chinese parents

32:43

confused.

32:47

When

32:47

Mike and his wife were married in an Indian

32:50

Chinese wedding, he said that they tried

32:52

to integrate their different cultures and rituals

32:54

into the three-day wedding ceremony. One

32:57

aspect of this was celebrating the idea that

32:59

there's no one right way to show love.

33:02

He set a goal at the wedding to hug his

33:04

father and verbally say, I love

33:06

you for the first time. And he was

33:09

successful. The hug was given

33:11

during the Hindu ceremony and the I love

33:13

you was spoken at the Chinese wedding

33:15

ceremony.

33:17

I called Mike and while we were

33:19

talking, I asked him about the perfect meal

33:22

he would

33:22

prepare to say, I love you. I

33:25

think I would just make fried rice. It's

33:27

a really simple and humble dish, but

33:30

when made with love, you can really, really taste

33:32

it. The fluffiness of the egg, the

33:34

toasty and al dente-ness of the

33:36

rice. Everyone knows that to

33:38

make really good fried rice, you need to

33:41

use day-old rice. So you'll know

33:43

that I've been thinking about you at least one day

33:45

in advance when eating the rice. You

33:48

can taste the caramelization of the garlic and shallots

33:50

and also all the little surprises you can add

33:52

like Chinese sausage, shrimp,

33:55

even a little bit of extra scallion or

33:57

fried scallion, just things like that would

33:59

just create.

33:59

a little magic to this fried rice and

34:02

I would top it

34:03

with a little bit of my secret chili

34:05

crisp which I call boom sauce just because

34:08

love needs a little bit of spice. You

34:13

can see pictures of Mike Wong and his family

34:16

sharing the love at his recent wedding on

34:18

our website themoth.org. Coming

34:22

up, assumptions are made and proven

34:24

wrong when the Moth Radio Hour continues.

34:43

The Moth Radio Hour is produced

34:45

by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole,

34:48

Massachusetts and presented by PRX.

34:55

This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX.

34:58

I'm Meg Bowles and our final story

35:00

in this hour comes from Richard Westcott.

35:03

We first met Richard when he called the Moth

35:05

Pitch Line and left a two-minute pitch. I

35:08

called him back and not so long after he

35:10

took the stage to share his story live

35:12

at a main stage we produced at St.

35:15

Anne's and the Holy Trinity Church in Brooklyn,

35:17

New York. Here's Richard Westcott.

35:22

When I was 35 years old I was

35:24

invited to a party and when I got

35:26

there I found that all the carpets had

35:28

been rolled up and there was a stereo

35:31

playing different music in every room.

35:34

Everybody was swing dancing.

35:36

Everybody was beautiful, laughing, smiling

35:39

and having so much fun. The

35:42

energy was through the roof and I thought

35:44

I have got to be a part

35:46

of this. So I started taking dance

35:49

lessons and I loved it. Through

35:52

the years dancing became my identity.

35:54

I went out dancing three, four, sometimes

35:57

seven nights a week. Swing, rumba,

35:59

funk. Rock's Truck, Argentine

36:02

Tango. For me, the

36:04

highest calling is when you

36:06

can become one with your partner. Yes,

36:09

you're dancing with a physical body, but

36:11

you can become one with the soul

36:14

of that person.

36:16

One Saturday night, I went to a dance

36:18

hosted

36:18

by a professional dance couple.

36:20

I arranged to meet a friend there.

36:23

And at one point, I asked Miriam,

36:26

the studio owner,

36:27

to dance. I knew

36:29

she was a fabulous dancer.

36:33

She didn't know me from anybody.

36:36

So we start

36:38

dancing. And she's dancing like a dance instructor.

36:41

But soon she encounters the resistance

36:43

of my lead. At that

36:45

moment, she knew this was going

36:48

to be different. And she trusted

36:50

me. And she allowed herself to feel

36:52

and express the music. And

36:55

at one point, I led a spiraling eight-count

36:57

figure. And we became

36:59

one. After

37:02

the dance, I went back to my friend at the edge of the dance

37:04

floor. And I said, OK, that's it.

37:07

It doesn't get any better than that. It

37:09

is time for me to go home.

37:13

Four years ago, in September, I

37:16

started having issues with my vision, minor

37:18

things at first. But soon a pattern

37:20

emerged, where the vision in one

37:23

or the other eye would deteriorate through

37:25

the course of the day, becoming worse in

37:27

the evening. Then the next morning,

37:29

everything would be fine again. I

37:31

consulted doctors, but no one could

37:33

figure out what was wrong with me.

37:36

Just four weeks later, I was

37:38

at my office,

37:39

where I worked as a civil engineer for a large

37:42

design firm.

37:43

And I thought, today,

37:45

I should leave a little early. It

37:47

was the first game of the ALCS.

37:52

The Red Sox were playing the Astros.

37:55

And my commute took me right by Fenway

37:58

Park.

37:59

Now, I had been having a lot of fun.

37:59

having issues with my eyes that

38:02

day.

38:03

And

38:05

I thought, I should drive, I should call

38:08

an Uber. But one of the

38:10

things with the problem with the vision is it also affected

38:12

my judgment. And

38:15

a little voice on my shoulder said, nah,

38:18

you'll be fine. It

38:21

was dark, it was raining, and

38:23

the traffic was stop and go. And

38:26

by this point, my vision had deteriorated

38:28

to tunnel vision in both

38:31

eyes. I had a light-colored

38:33

car in front of me, and I used

38:35

that as my guide. After

38:38

a harrowing exit off a sterile drive

38:41

and a few other very stressful

38:43

maneuvers, I was able to find a parking

38:45

space, and I pulled over to wait for

38:47

my vision to get better. It

38:50

didn't. So I walked

38:52

home. I went to bed that

38:54

night fully expecting my vision

38:56

to be fine the next morning. But

38:58

it wasn't fine. When

39:01

I awoke, I couldn't tell what time

39:03

it was. I knew the date. I knew it was

39:05

October 14th. But was

39:07

it day, or was it still night?

39:10

I fumbled around and found

39:12

my cell phone, but I couldn't do anything

39:15

with it because I couldn't see his face.

39:18

I sat on the couch defeated.

39:21

I thought. I could die right

39:23

here in this couch. I imagined I would be

39:26

found that spring, just a pile

39:28

of dust and bones holding a

39:31

cell phone in my skeletal lap.

39:36

The darkness was profound. But

39:38

eventually, through the help of some neighbors, I

39:41

was able to call the one phone number

39:43

I knew by heart.

39:45

I asked why. She

39:48

called my sister, and with her help, I

39:51

was able to make my way to Mass. Iron

39:53

Ear. There, the ophthalmologist

39:57

did his exam. And

39:59

he said... I'm going to tell you it

40:01

the way I would want to hear it if it

40:03

were me. What you have

40:06

is giant cell arthritis, referred

40:08

to as GCA. You

40:11

are totally blind. This

40:14

kind of blindness is permanent.

40:18

There is no cure. There

40:21

is no chance of recovery.

40:25

I was stunned. At that moment,

40:27

my earth stopped turning and

40:30

I was left trapped

40:32

on the dark side.

40:35

GCA is an autoimmune

40:37

disease that comes on for no apparent

40:39

reason. It clogs off the

40:41

blood flow to the eyes and the optic

40:43

nerves. It always attacks the

40:46

eyes first, but it doesn't stop there. You

40:48

lose your hearing. You lose your sense of smell,

40:51

your sense of taste. Then it goes

40:53

after your vital organs until

40:56

it gets to your heart. They

40:59

started me in an IV of steroids to reduce

41:01

the inflammation and attempt to stop

41:03

the progress of the disease. I

41:06

had a couple of days of not really knowing

41:08

where I was.

41:10

I felt trapped inside

41:13

my own skull and it

41:15

was terrifying. I

41:18

remember thinking, this must

41:21

be what it feels like to

41:23

die.

41:25

One day, my nurse announced that

41:27

I had visitors. I was not prepared

41:30

for the crowd that streamed in. I had

41:32

a circle of friends from ballroom dancing, another

41:35

circle from swing dancing, Argentine tango

41:37

dances, coworkers, relatives, introductions

41:40

are being made all around. I

41:43

was in a fine mood, but nevertheless,

41:45

I realized that in a very real sense,

41:48

my life had ended and this was

41:51

my wake. Now,

41:54

these people knew how I used to

41:56

be, but lying there in that

41:59

hospital bed,

41:59

clearly I was different. Most

42:02

of these people knew me as a dancer, but

42:05

there would be no more dancing for me, no

42:07

more taking my children out for boat

42:09

rides, no more ambling strolls

42:12

along the water side.

42:15

Certainly no more driving. I

42:17

was grounded.

42:20

Eventually I was well enough to

42:22

leave the hospital and fortunately

42:25

my sister and a husband

42:27

took me in, which was good because

42:29

my body had to do go through

42:31

a complete rebuild.

42:34

But by Thanksgiving

42:36

the progress of the disease was stabilized

42:39

and I was able to enroll in a program

42:41

that I fondly refer to as blind

42:45

college. The

42:47

hope was that I would be able to learn to live

42:49

independently and return to work.

42:52

There they taught me how to use a cane

42:55

and many other things. I discovered

42:57

I had great difficulty relating to other

42:59

people while being blind. I

43:03

had great difficulty entering into conversations

43:05

because I couldn't see anyone and

43:07

I couldn't tell when I might speak to

43:09

somebody without interrupting them. I

43:13

had my ups and downs along the way, but

43:16

I did graduate from blind college

43:19

and was able to live independently and

43:21

return to work in a new capacity

43:24

in my field of engineering. One

43:28

afternoon in my new apartment I was

43:30

organizing the closet and a

43:33

rumba came on the radio and

43:35

I couldn't resist the rhythm. So

43:38

I put both my hands on the door frame to

43:40

keep my balance and I moved

43:43

to the music. Often I would

43:45

visualize beautiful dancing

43:47

doing delicious sensual figures.

43:50

I would recall the freedom of movement.

43:53

I could feel it. But

43:55

that afternoon with my hands on the

43:57

door frame I

43:59

realized

43:59

I just

44:02

couldn't do it.

44:05

One night, some friends walked

44:07

me down Circa-dav to the Ritz. Johnny

44:10

Hoy and the bluefish were playing,

44:13

and I thought, maybe, maybe

44:15

this is what it would take. A

44:18

friend asked me to get up and dance,

44:20

but I was very stiff, and I kept

44:22

stumbling backwards. I

44:24

was all body and no

44:27

soul, and I thought, oh,

44:29

m.g., it's true. I'll

44:32

never dance again.

44:34

In so many measurable ways,

44:37

my life had ended. Dealing

44:39

with the loss of vision was difficult, but

44:41

not being able to dance

44:44

felt like being wrapped in

44:46

heavy, rusty

44:49

chains.

44:51

And I kept holding onto this fantasy that

44:54

my vision would come back one day if

44:56

I just willed it hard enough. Because

44:59

of the nature of the disease, early on, I

45:02

would have occasional flashes of actual

45:04

vision that would last for a second or

45:06

so. My vision

45:08

was flirting with me, and it left me

45:10

with the almost cruel belief that

45:13

my vision was going to come back one day, not

45:16

because

45:17

any doctor even hinted at that,

45:20

but because I could not accept

45:23

what had happened.

45:25

This past summer, I was on

45:27

the vineyard with some friends, and we

45:29

went out to eat at a restaurant,

45:31

and I heard someone say, this

45:34

is Johnny Hoy. They're coming in and

45:36

setting up their equipment. The

45:38

music began to play, and my best

45:40

friend's wife,

45:42

Bronwyn,

45:43

who is an excellent dancer,

45:45

grabs my hand and says, come on,

45:49

if it had been anybody

45:50

else, I might have said no. I knew

45:52

the space was small, and I was sure

45:54

I would lose my balance and stumble backwards, but

45:58

it was Bronwyn.

46:01

And when we got

46:05

on the floor,

46:09

I instantly knew this

46:13

was going to be different. I

46:16

trusted her.

46:17

And I found that

46:20

I could feel and express the

46:23

music. I

46:26

never thought I would feel that way

46:28

again. And we kept dancing.

46:31

And at one point, the song ended, and

46:34

Bronwyn looped her arm through mine

46:36

and repositioned us a bit on the floor. And

46:39

I heard someone say, oh my God,

46:41

he's blind.

46:43

People had no idea.

46:47

If you would ask me just the day before,

46:50

would you ever dance again? I would

46:52

have said no. But

46:54

that evening, dancing with Bronwyn,

46:58

I realized the music of

47:00

my soul had been set free.

47:03

My rusty chains had fallen

47:06

off. I still

47:08

wish, nearly every moment

47:10

of every day, that I had my

47:12

vision back. But

47:15

I'm adjusting. And whether I'm

47:17

having wonderful daydreams or

47:19

terribly depressing thoughts, I

47:21

just enjoy a wallow in them. And

47:24

then at some point, I say, OK,

47:26

that's enough. Time to get back

47:28

to what you were doing. And sometimes,

47:31

sometimes

47:41

I'll just go. Richard

47:58

Westhat is a civil engineer.

47:59

and has lived his entire life in the Boston

48:02

area until recently when he ventured

48:04

as far west as Worcester, Mass, where

48:06

he now lives with his daughter. His

48:09

favorite dance continues to be the Argentine

48:11

Tango, where you and your partner

48:14

are wrapped in each other's arms and focused on

48:16

nothing

48:16

but moving to the music.

48:22

His second favorite is the Rumba,

48:25

which he says is difficult to do wonderfully,

48:27

but unlike Argentine Tango,

48:29

it's quite easy to do badly.

48:33

And Richard says he has many fond

48:35

memories

48:36

of dancing to Johnny Hoy and the Blue

48:38

Fish and listening to their CD

48:40

on road trips with his children.

48:45

While the flashes of vision Richard described

48:47

have abated, his light sensitivity

48:50

has greatly improved, and he's now

48:52

able to tell the difference between night

48:54

and day.

48:55

He says he realizes now it's perfectly

48:57

fine for him to hold two completely

48:59

opposing thoughts simultaneously, that

49:02

his vision will never come back, which he

49:04

believes, and that his vision will come

49:06

back one day, which occasionally makes

49:09

him feel good to believe.

49:13

That's it for

49:14

this episode of the Moth Radio Hour. We

49:16

hope you'll join us again

49:17

next time. I'm gonna do

49:20

my angels.

49:22

Come down here to see the moon.

49:35

This episode of the Moth Radio

49:37

Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison,

49:40

Katherine Burns, and Meg Bowles, who also

49:42

hosted the show and directed the stories.

49:45

Co-producer is Vicki Merrick, associate

49:47

producer Emily Couch, additional Grand

49:50

Slam coaching by Jennifer Hickson and Chloe

49:52

Salmon. The rest of the Moth's leadership

49:54

team includes Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin-Genes,

49:57

Kate Delers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marie

50:00

Rena Cloutier, Lee Ann Gulley, Suzanne

50:02

Rust, Brandon Grant, Sarah Jane

50:04

Johnson, and Aldi Cazza. Moth

50:06

stories are true, as remembered and affirmed

50:08

by the storytellers. Our theme music

50:11

is by The Drift, other music in this hour

50:13

from The Drift, and Haruomi

50:15

Hosono, Ernest Wranglin, Coco

50:17

Roco, Jaya Bing Chen, and V.M.

50:20

Bott, Horacio Rivera, Manuel Galban,

50:23

and Johnny Hoy and the Blue Fish. We

50:26

receive funding from the National Endowment

50:28

for the Arts. The Moth Global Community

50:30

Program is generously supported by

50:32

the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The

50:35

Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic

50:37

Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts,

50:40

and presented by PRX. For

50:42

more about our podcast, for information on

50:44

pitching us your own story, and everything else,

50:47

go to our website, themoth.org.

50:55

Thank you.