0:00

I'm Emily P. Freeman, and welcome to The

0:03

Next Right Thing. You're listening to

0:05

Episode 313. I'm

0:09

an author, a spiritual director, and

0:11

an occasional workshop leader. I

0:13

live in the Piedmont of North Carolina

0:15

with my family, and through my work

0:18

I've helped thousands of spiritually thoughtful people

0:20

overcome decision fatigue so that

0:22

they can discern their next right thing in

0:24

faith, work, and life. If

0:27

you struggle with decision fatigue or

0:29

with chronic hesitation, or if

0:31

you just need a few minutes away from

0:33

the constant stream of information, and

0:36

the sometimes delightful but also distracting

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hum of entertainment, well, you're

0:40

in the right place for discerning your next right

0:42

thing. Today's episode is

0:44

brought to you by my new book that

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releases five weeks from today. How

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for today's episode. Listen in.

1:50

At the end of December,

1:52

I shared what

2:00

worked in 2023 here on the podcast. But

2:03

for my letter subscribers at the end of

2:05

the year, I also shared five things that

2:07

did not work for me in 2023. There

2:11

were more than five things that didn't work for me to

2:13

be honest, but the letter was already very long, so I

2:16

only shared five of them. One

2:18

of the things I listed that didn't work for me

2:20

last year was caring too much, specifically

2:23

as it relates to parenting. As

2:26

it turns out, this is a

2:28

pattern. Two years earlier

2:31

in my what didn't work list

2:33

for 2021, I

2:35

shared a similar sentiment. One

2:38

of the things on that list in 2021 that

2:41

didn't work was one word, parenting.

2:44

Parenting did not work for me in 2021, and

2:46

it was the hardest, McCarty's year of

2:48

our live long lives. In fact, not

2:51

a lot worked for a lot of

2:53

us that year, but I'll say parenting

2:55

teenagers through the COVID years, I

2:58

mean, I don't know. Do I have words? It

3:00

was perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever done. Partly

3:03

it was their age, mostly

3:05

it was ours. How

3:07

do you parent in wisdom and with grace

3:10

when you're in a whole different generation than your

3:12

kids? And for those of you

3:14

who are caregivers for your parents, the same rings

3:16

true, but in the other direction. What's

3:19

it look like when you have your own life

3:21

experience, but they have their own

3:23

life experience too, and they're real different. What

3:26

about when you're questioning some of the same things

3:29

they're questioning? What about when you

3:31

feel like you're the parent, so you're supposed to know

3:33

what you're doing, or you're the

3:35

kid to aging parents, and you feel like they're

3:37

supposed to know what to do? I'll

3:40

tell you what, I was a great parent before

3:42

I had kids. Well,

3:44

this is what I knew then in 2021, and

3:47

it's what I still know now in 2024. And

3:50

that is that the most delicate balancing act I've

3:52

done so far in my life is

3:55

knowing when to step all the way in and

3:57

when to jump all the way out. The

4:00

stakes always seem high. The

4:03

list is always long, and shame and

4:05

fear and regret don't take a single

4:07

minute off. So

4:10

all of this is mostly normal stuff that

4:12

a lot of caregivers say and stuff

4:14

that they feel no matter the age of those for

4:16

whom they care. But

4:19

back to why parenting didn't work for me specifically

4:21

that year is I think it's not just the

4:23

circumstances that were difficult. I mean, that was true.

4:26

But it's also how I responded to

4:28

the circumstances. How I forgot to

4:30

breathe. How I took myself

4:32

too seriously. How I forgot to

4:35

be my own friend. How I

4:37

compared my parenting choices to the

4:39

choices of the imaginary good parent who lived inside

4:41

my head. Well, at that

4:43

time, our kids were 15 and 18. And

4:47

now our youngest is 17. And

4:50

the twins are 20. And

4:52

I still feel all those ways. But the

4:55

most helpful advice I've received this past year

4:57

that's made the biggest difference is

5:00

to stop caring so much. Not

5:03

in a neglectful way, but

5:05

in a loving and lighthearted way. When

5:08

I shared about this in my newsletter, the one

5:10

where I shared what did not work in 2023,

5:13

I received a lot of messages

5:15

back from readers, maybe from you wanting to

5:17

know more. What does this look

5:19

like? How can we actually stop caring so

5:21

much without neglecting our

5:23

responsibilities as parents or our kids or

5:26

the person for whom we're caring? What

5:29

does it look like? But no,

5:31

really, what does it look like? Well,

5:34

I want to approach this like a sole minimalist because I

5:36

don't know how else to do things. And

5:38

that is to simplify and then

5:40

to apply. First,

5:43

we'll give it a name. And then

5:45

we'll put it to practice. We'll

5:47

do it together as we always do. And

5:49

we'll take it slow. So

5:52

giving it a name, this way of

5:54

lightheartedness, what does it look like? I'll give it

5:56

three names. How about that? First,

5:59

I've heard John... John Eldridge talk about

6:01

this as benevolent detachment. He

6:04

teaches that this is when you release

6:06

everything and everyone to God. You

6:09

empty your soul of all the chaos and the clutter

6:11

so that you can then receive something of

6:14

the presence of God. This

6:16

is not a checking out or a being cynical

6:19

or anything like that, but

6:22

in love, it's truly

6:24

releasing everything to God. Something

6:28

Ignatius of Loyola might call it

6:30

a holy indifference or

6:32

an internal freedom. This

6:34

kind of freedom isn't so much about

6:36

a freedom from, although there's something in

6:38

that, but it's more a freedom to.

6:42

Having a holy indifference does

6:44

not imply a lack of care, but

6:46

it does mean being detached enough from

6:48

things or from experiences or people to

6:50

be able to hold them or release

6:53

them depending on the leading of God.

6:55

It's having the capacity to let

6:58

go of what pulls you away from God and others

7:00

while staying engaged with what draws you near

7:03

to them. It's a matter

7:05

of having the ability to maintain an

7:07

inner peace even in the

7:09

midst of outward uncertainty. And

7:12

so the way I think of benevolent

7:14

detachment, John Eldridge's words, or having a

7:16

holy indifference is by

7:19

cultivating a liturgy of lightheartedness

7:21

where I can sit down on the inside

7:24

even if I'm standing up on the outside. So

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what does it look like to cultivate this? Well,

7:30

now we've named it. I call

7:32

it a liturgy of lightheartedness. If you

7:34

prefer benevolent detachment or holy indifference or

7:36

interior freedom, they all work.

7:39

So we have a name for it, but spoiler

7:41

alert, this does not come easy. Irish

7:44

philosopher and novelist Iris Murdoch said

7:47

these memorable words that I often return

7:49

to. At crucial moments

7:51

of choice, most of

7:54

the business of choosing is already over. That

7:58

means that the person who we are... coming

8:00

on the daily will influence

8:02

the choices we make on the spot. That

8:05

means if we are people who

8:08

hold on tightly to worry, outcome

8:10

management, and catastrophizing, then

8:12

the decisions we will make will reflect

8:14

a terrified heart. That

8:17

means that the mental and emotional

8:19

liturgies we engage every day always

8:22

influence the decisions we make. This

8:26

word liturgy comes from the Greek

8:28

words laos meaning people

8:31

and ergo meaning work. Liturgy

8:35

is often described then as the work of

8:37

the people or also work done

8:39

on behalf of the people. In

8:42

other words, it's an action that

8:44

invites participation for the good of

8:46

the whole, not just the one. When

8:49

we practice anything in a liturgical

8:51

way, it's something we do in

8:53

action with a communal purpose or

8:55

for the communal good. And

8:58

so a liturgy of lightheartedness is

9:00

not just for you, the caregiver,

9:02

it's for the good of us all. So

9:05

how? The words

9:07

of Jesus come to mind. Jesus

9:09

who said, for where your treasure

9:11

is, there your heart will be

9:14

also, in Matthew 6. When

9:16

my treasure is in certainty, getting

9:19

it exactly right or exactly wrong, or

9:21

being all things to all the people,

9:24

that's where my heart lives and

9:26

it will nearly always be crushed there. But

9:30

what if I imagined putting my heart someplace

9:32

else? What if

9:35

we could experience in our daily life

9:37

the theology of Jesus in Matthew 11 who said, Come

9:41

to me, all of you who

9:43

are weary and carry heavy burdens

9:46

and I will give you rest. Take

9:49

my yoke upon you, let me teach

9:51

you, because I am humble and

9:53

gentle at heart and you

9:55

will find rest for your souls. For

9:58

my yoke is easy to breathe. and

10:01

the burden I give you is light. This

10:05

is the light-hearted posture described in 1 Peter

10:07

5, 7 that says in the message

10:09

version, which is my favorite, Live

10:12

carefree before God. He

10:15

is most careful with you. This

10:18

is an outcome of having a

10:21

high Christology, the belief

10:23

that the life of Christ can and

10:25

does make an actual difference

10:28

in my actual life. The

10:30

action is living like it's true, living

10:34

like I'm not alone, even

10:36

though I walk through valleys of shadows. The

10:39

action is loving my kids and caring what's

10:41

going on in their lives and making sure

10:44

they're safe to the degree that I'm able

10:46

to do so. And

10:48

the action is choosing not

10:50

to overcare today, choosing

10:53

not to overfunction. I

10:55

can just regular care and regular

10:58

function and leave the rest to God. My

11:02

friend Amy Brown, who has kids a bit older

11:04

than mine, she gave me some

11:06

of my favorite advice. She said

11:08

when she prays for each of her kids, she

11:11

imagines taking them by the hand and walking them

11:13

straight to Jesus, and imagines

11:15

Jesus taking them by the hand, entrusting

11:17

their care to God. This

11:20

form of imaginative prayer is effective not

11:22

only when you're caring for children, but when

11:24

you're caring for anyone. Sometimes

11:27

there's flow, and other times I'm

11:30

a mess of anxiety in this practice. I've

11:33

been practicing this, though,

11:35

imperfectly, and it's saving my life. If

11:39

you are a caregiver who cares too much

11:41

right now, I want to

11:43

turn to you and say you're

11:45

doing such a good job. You

11:49

love your small people or your

11:51

big people, and you want the very

11:53

best for them. This room

11:55

you've been in, the one where

11:57

rest feels impossible, and worry

11:59

is the end. currency and stability

12:01

feels like it's not allowed in the door, I have

12:04

good news. This

12:06

room of over-parenting, over-caring,

12:09

and over-functioning is

12:12

not the only kind of room there is.

12:15

There are other rooms, more spacious

12:17

ones, where it's

12:19

possible to still care but not to carry,

12:22

where it's possible to love without losing

12:24

yourself. It's possible

12:26

to provide space for them to become

12:28

who they are becoming, and

12:30

you enjoy their presence. And

12:32

it's possible to be a little kinder to

12:35

yourself in the process, while

12:37

remembering that as they are people who

12:39

are becoming, so are you. Here's

12:43

to knowing that whatever you're going through,

12:45

whatever you're going through, someone

12:48

else is going through it too. Here's

12:51

to finding a practical way to lovingly

12:53

detach. Here's

12:55

to learning the holy indifference. Here's

12:59

to cultivating a liturgy of

13:01

a light heart. Here's

13:03

to God being bigger than we thought. Here's

13:07

to doing our next right thing in

13:09

love. Thanks

13:16

for listening to episode 313 of The Next Right Thing.

13:22

I hope this simple practice of

13:24

cultivating a liturgy of lightheartedness can

13:27

be just one more rung on the trellis upon which

13:29

your rhythm of life can continue to grow. Because

13:32

while it's true, this is a podcast about

13:34

making decisions. The bigger truth is

13:36

our daily decisions. You know

13:38

they're making our lives. As

13:41

always, you can find me online at

13:43

emilypfreeman.com or on Instagram at EmilyPFreeman, and

13:46

you can join the Soul Minimalist community on Substack

13:48

for just $5 a month where we continue the

13:50

conversation that we start here. Even

13:52

if you can't swing that $5 a month right now,

13:54

you can still join at the free level, Where

13:57

you'll receive weekly updates of what we're talking about

13:59

so you can. Doing an when? maybe the

14:01

resources allow and the conversation peaks your

14:03

interest. We also have scholarships available that

14:05

you can learn more about on the

14:07

about page as a sack of the

14:09

so minimalist, so check out that to

14:11

learn more. thanks to the team it

14:14

Unsuitable who faithfully edits are sound and

14:16

to Sherlock the creates our show notes

14:18

and keeps this podcast organized. And

14:20

closing, I want to share the welcoming

14:23

prayer by Father Thomas Kidding And I'll

14:25

note that if you want to borrow

14:27

this prayer I have recorded it is

14:29

a Clean Recordings a standalone clean recording

14:31

all by itself and that's available for

14:33

free in the quiet collection. Appian go

14:35

to his for I phone or for

14:37

Android devices. You can go to download

14:39

a quite lox opt for free and

14:41

when you do you'll see the borrowed

14:44

per section and this is one of

14:46

them. You can listen to it every

14:48

morning if you want to. I know

14:50

people who do that or in the

14:52

evenings and pray along with me. I

14:54

found it to be an appropriate practice,

14:56

especially when I'm over functioning. In

14:58

parenting or and caring for others

15:00

in general. So.

15:03

Here's the welcoming prayer. Welcome.

15:07

Welcome. Work. I

15:11

welcome everything that comes to. Me today. Because

15:14

I know it's for my healing. I

15:18

welcome our thoughts feelings.

15:20

Emotions. Person's.

15:23

Situations. And conditions.

15:27

I let go of my desire for power

15:29

and control. I

15:31

let go of my desire for a section. Esteemed.

15:36

Lethal. And Fisher. I

15:40

let go of my desire for survival

15:42

and security. I

15:45

let go of my desire to

15:47

change any situation. Condition.

15:51

Person. Or myself. I

15:54

open to the love and presence

15:56

of God and gods action within.

16:00

Amen. In

16:03

for listening and I'll see you next time.