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You're listening to the OCD

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stories podcast hosted by me

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Stuart Ralph The OCD

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stories is a podcast dedicated

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to raising awareness and understanding

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around obsessive compulsive symptoms I

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do this for interviewing inspired therapists

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psychologists and people who have experienced

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OCD Welcome to the

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OCD stories Hey guys,

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and welcome to episode 414

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of the OCD stories podcast and

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in this one I chat with Duke Duke

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has kindly agreed to share his OCD story

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with us Our Duke is a

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spoken word poet and I've been

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aware of him for some time and I got to meet him In

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October I got to see him share his

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story a couple of times It's great to get him on give

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him more space to expand on that story And

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it was it was great to hear the detail

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so in particular we talk about his

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compulsions drinking to cope POCD

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real event themed OCD a

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suicide attempt getting treatment

0:59

Therapy groups how OCD

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targets numbers for him Duke

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shares two spoken word pieces We

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discussed type 1 diabetes and how

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OCD latches onto his diabetes The

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things that have helped him and much much more and

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thank you to know CD for supporting the podcast No

1:17

CD offers effective and convenient therapy available

1:19

in the US and outside the US

1:22

To find out more about no CD their

1:24

therapy plans if they currently take your insurance

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or to download their free app head to

1:29

Go.treatmyocd.com Forward

1:32

slash the OCD stories or the link will

1:34

be in the episode description Thank you

1:36

to all of our patrons for supporting our work

1:39

To sign up to our patreon and to check

1:41

out the other benefits you'll receive as a patron

1:43

Please see the link in the show notes So

1:45

thank you to Duke for his time and of

1:47

course sharing his art with us. I really appreciate

1:49

it And of course, thank

1:51

you to you guys so much for listening. I

1:53

appreciate all the support in 2023 I

1:56

hope you have a great 2024 it

2:01

is, Duke. Welcome to the podcast, Duke. Thank

2:04

you so much. Thanks for having me. It feels awesome

2:07

to be here. Yeah,

2:09

absolutely. We met at the A.C. Game Changers

2:11

event in London recently, and then obviously you're

2:13

at the A.C. Action Conference the next day

2:16

as well. So it was nice to meet

2:18

you finally. Obviously I've seen you online and

2:20

social media for a number of years

2:22

now, so it was cool to meet and obviously have

2:25

you as a guest now. Yeah,

2:27

no, it was really cool to meet. Both

2:30

events were just awesome, and they were

2:32

my first OCD events finally after all these

2:34

years going to them. So it was

2:36

sort of like a special moment for me. But yeah,

2:39

really cool to meet you. And

2:41

OCD stories I've also seen for the last

2:44

few years, it was really cool to

2:46

be on here. Yeah, thanks, man.

2:48

No worries. So what I didn't

2:50

say to you off air was

2:53

I'll read your bio before so

2:55

everyone listening now knows what you're

2:57

about and what you do. So

3:01

yeah, but it'd be good to hear your

3:03

OCD story. Obviously I've heard it, but I'm

3:05

excited to hear it again. It always

3:08

changes as people retell it anyway. So

3:10

yeah, please share it now in as

3:12

little as much detail as you want

3:14

to give. Awesome.

3:17

So I think

3:19

my OCD story begins. I

3:24

mean, my earliest memory

3:27

is around about your seven or your eight.

3:31

And I was

3:34

very much a

3:36

warrior. I was always a warrior. I

3:38

was I was young and I was just I was just

3:40

always worried about things. To

3:43

the point where you know, when my mum would do

3:45

fireworks, I was crying my eyes out because

3:47

I thought she was gonna like get blown

3:50

up by a firework, you know, so like

3:52

all those things I think these these are

3:54

like building up to maybe what OCD eventually

3:57

became. in

4:00

my life and I

4:02

think my earliest memory was

4:06

being in maths class and

4:09

I was trying to do some sums

4:11

when I was you know

4:13

using a biropen and

4:16

when you write with a biropen not all of the ink

4:18

comes out sometimes

4:21

and that was like a

4:23

huge trigger for me and I felt like I had to

4:25

like everything had to be almost perfect like I

4:28

had to have the ink come out and

4:30

then if it didn't come out I would scribble over it

4:32

and then I'd get an intrusive thought and I'd scribble over

4:34

it again so on and so forth multiple

4:37

times and I just couldn't end up I couldn't do

4:39

my maths work so I threw my pen on the

4:41

floor and I stormed out of the classroom and the

4:43

teacher you know was a bit surprised and walked out

4:47

and I said to her because at the

4:49

time I'd been researching OCD this is

4:51

just my big memory that I just

4:53

remember and I said to her I

4:55

think I've got OCD and I was

4:57

like I don't know what's going on

5:00

I've always been very in tune with

5:02

myself so I sort

5:04

of researched prior

5:06

to that like things that were going on you

5:08

know sort of symptoms and OCD

5:10

popped up and I read it and I

5:12

was like yeah that's me and

5:15

yeah and then I said I think I

5:18

called OCD so this

5:20

is this is a very interesting thing those

5:22

in my school it was a bit weird so year

5:24

seven to nine I was in one

5:27

site which is the smaller site

5:29

which is in Dennis Paris in Wales and

5:31

then in Penarth is the

5:33

bigger site and that's got year seven

5:35

all the way up to sixth form

5:37

and there was a boy in my year

5:39

who was in Penarth site who got switched

5:41

over to dinner site because he was getting

5:43

bullied basically and me

5:46

and a couple of my friends were

5:49

asked to look after him basically and

5:52

sort of show him around and make

5:54

him feel welcome and make

5:57

sure yeah that he's alright and

5:59

he's a good friend. he had OCD and

6:02

was very much like you could

6:04

see him doing compulsions and unfortunately,

6:07

you know, people thought he was weird and it's

6:09

really, really sad to say that. And he was

6:13

doing all these things. And I said then, then I

6:15

didn't know what OCD was. And

6:18

so then I thought, yeah, I was in math and

6:20

I said to the teacher, I think I've caught OCD,

6:22

because this is this guy's got

6:24

OCD. And then she

6:26

sort of like giggled, as in, like, you can't

6:28

know where you can do that. And

6:31

yeah, that's, that's pretty much my first memory. And

6:35

I say that because like,

6:38

yeah, it's just really imprinted in my brain about

6:41

the maths and stuff. But obviously, things were going

6:43

on before then. So maybe I'll talk about that.

6:46

And so before then it was I

6:50

remember speaking to a friend, I'm just trying to get

6:53

everything out. I remember speaking to a

6:55

friend and he said, when I

6:57

was in like year six, I used to ask him

6:59

to come over my house all the time. I'm so

7:02

sorry, that's my phone going off. He

7:04

said, if I used to

7:06

ask him, I would repeat it. But

7:08

I wouldn't know I was repeating it. I used to say,

7:10

Do you want to come over my house tonight? And then

7:12

my lips would go. Don't

7:16

know what that was. I don't know if that's an early sign of

7:18

OCD. I don't know what that was. But yeah,

7:20

so he's like year five, year six, all

7:22

these little things. And then obviously the

7:24

math thing and started having intrusive

7:27

thoughts. And

7:30

the first intrusive thoughts, I remember, 12, 13

7:33

years old, we're all about my mum. So my mum's

7:35

a single mum used to see my dad every weekend

7:37

or or every other weekend, let my dad to bits

7:39

got a really good relationship with my dad now, of

7:41

course. Evidently, my mum

7:44

was a single mum. There's

7:46

five of us, two of

7:48

my older siblings, one of them lives in

7:50

North Wales. And they've

7:52

got different dads, obviously still say that

7:54

my siblings and the other one now

7:56

lives away. But she lived with us for a bit.

7:58

And then it was my other siblings. So yeah,

8:00

there's quite a lot going on. We

8:03

grew up on a housing association. Mum's

8:06

still there now, you know, didn't, my mum's

8:08

amazing, a rock, but we never

8:10

really had a huge amount of money. I think we

8:12

did struggle a little bit, but as I said, my

8:14

mum's just amazing. And she eventually did

8:16

an accountancy course and got a job.

8:19

But the reason I'm painting this picture

8:21

is because the worst thing that could

8:23

have ever happened to me was something

8:26

happening to my mum. So yeah, my

8:28

intrusive thoughts were all about, you know,

8:30

my mum's going to die in a car crash. If I

8:33

don't do this, my mum's going to have

8:35

to remember, but I don't do that. I'm

8:38

trying to piece everything together as I go, sorry. But

8:41

I also went to Sunday school

8:43

from a young age. And

8:46

in Sunday school, you

8:49

learn about sin at a

8:51

very young age. And

8:55

you learn, you know, you learn about the Bible. And

8:57

by the way, I'm a Christian. And, you know, I

9:00

believe that. But as

9:02

maybe a young person

9:04

who was about to experience

9:07

horrendous OCD, it was

9:09

very difficult for me. So I've

9:12

even spoken about this before. When

9:15

you're such a young, such

9:17

a young impression impressionable age, I think

9:19

talking about sin in quite

9:23

a deep way, saying, oh, you're not allowed to do

9:25

anything wrong, because it's a sin, it

9:27

can really affect people. You

9:29

know, because nobody is perfect. And

9:32

I believe that really affected me. So

9:36

yeah, so my compulsions, I'm telling you

9:38

this because my compulsions became

9:40

prayer. So repetitive praying

9:42

in my head, and repetitive

9:44

prayers for

9:47

different intrusive thoughts. I

9:50

would say them a certain number of times because then

9:52

numbers started to kick in. I then

9:54

associated the number six as bad because as

9:58

I'm not going to say the You know

10:00

what I'm saying, right? And

10:03

then I started associating

10:06

other things that maybe I've seen.

10:09

Maybe it was like a piece on the news and something horrendous

10:11

was on the news. And then

10:13

I associated like the sound of a number with

10:16

things. So I got

10:18

to a point where like no, there was hardly

10:20

any good numbers anymore. So

10:22

when I do my prepared prayers, like, oh, I'd have

10:24

to hit that number. And if I

10:26

didn't quite do it well enough or

10:29

I got interrupted, I would start again. And

10:31

I'd start again. And it was exhausting

10:33

and it was tiring and it was frustrating. And I

10:35

felt like I was a bad person. I

10:39

was obviously worried initially

10:42

these intrusive thoughts would happen and my mum would die

10:44

and it'd be my fault. Also,

10:46

it was just like feeling like I was a

10:48

sinner and a bad person. And

10:52

that was extremely challenging. So that

10:54

was that's how it really started, I guess.

10:58

And then should I go

11:00

on or do you want to keep going? Yeah, I

11:02

don't interrupt. So,

11:05

yeah, I mean, I would say that's the basis

11:07

of my OCD and it still is today. I

11:09

still repetitively pray. However,

11:12

I like to say this because I am a Christian when

11:15

I pray and I mean this prayer and

11:18

I pray properly, should we say it's different because

11:20

I know when it's a compulsion

11:22

when it's not and I think it's important to make

11:24

that clear. But,

11:28

yeah, I

11:30

did it. I

11:33

started to go through the ages, should we

11:35

say. And what

11:38

was there for me was poetry and rhyme. 12,

11:42

13 years old, I started writing poetry and rhyme and raps

11:44

when I was about 11 years old. By 12, 13

11:46

years old, it became a self-therapy. As

11:49

we all know, OCD is tremendously

11:54

isolating and

11:57

it's really, really sad that it's so

11:59

isolating. I didn't want to tell anybody when I was

12:01

12, 13 about these horrendous things. Obviously,

12:03

it's a maths class I did eventually,

12:06

but that was just one little moment. I still

12:08

basically dealt with it on my own for years and

12:10

years and years. But yeah,

12:12

me being able to write about it was extremely

12:15

therapeutic. And not

12:18

only therapeutic, I could sort of understand it more.

12:20

I was able to like figure it out. It's

12:22

like as I was writing, I was able to

12:24

understand sort of these

12:27

deep, intrusive thoughts and these compulsions and trying

12:29

to make sense of them. I'm

12:32

afraid of stigma, afraid of if people

12:34

found out I would hide my rhymes.

12:36

Nobody would ever see them. They were

12:39

just for me. And yeah,

12:41

that pretty much, I've always said it saved

12:43

my life, I think, because

12:46

it was with me for so long until I eventually got help,

12:48

which I will get to. But

12:52

yeah, the other coping

12:55

mechanism then was a negative coping mechanism, which

12:57

was alcohol. I started drinking from a very young

12:59

age. I think I remember

13:02

my first time being drunk and

13:04

spewing everywhere. I think I

13:06

was 12 at

13:08

Boxing Day Family Party. But

13:12

even then, I remember before I did all that,

13:14

I remember sitting next to my dad and saying,

13:17

Dad, something's going on. I don't know

13:19

what's going on in my head. I feel this and that. I

13:22

just didn't understand it. And

13:24

there was drink around and I was

13:27

a kid and I was sneakily like going in the back and

13:30

necking some cans and going to the back and

13:32

obviously that my spoon and stuff. That

13:35

sort of stayed with me for a

13:37

long time. I

13:39

started drinking with my mates down the

13:41

park with cans, as we do at

13:44

14 years old. In

13:48

the pub, getting served by

13:50

15, 16. And

13:53

then youth rugby. I played

13:55

a lot of rugby. I played a lot of sports.

13:58

I started youth rugby. And,

14:01

you know, I was good. I was good at

14:03

rugby. I was decent, decent player. And I thought

14:05

it was all about being a tough guy

14:08

who can tackle the hardest, who can run the

14:10

fastest. And

14:12

unfortunately, it evidently became clear

14:15

to me that rugby, as

14:18

soon as you hit youth and was introduced to alcohol,

14:21

and it wasn't only about being good on the pitch.

14:23

It was about being a lad, should

14:25

we say, off the pitch. So,

14:28

yeah, that binge drink culture is

14:30

massive in rugby. And

14:32

as much as rugby is a community, I do

14:35

think the binge drink culture, and

14:37

probably now the drug culture, it wasn't much of a

14:39

drug culture when I was younger, but I believe it

14:41

is now. I think it's ruining the game. But

14:44

the reason why I'm saying this

14:46

is because when I'd have

14:48

a drink, we've

14:50

got like serotonin in our bellies, I believe. So

14:52

I felt good for

14:55

a bit. And then and then I felt as

14:58

though I had power over my OCD, which

15:00

is, as you know,

15:02

very rare. So

15:05

I just began to sort of say

15:08

no to the compulsions and

15:11

became quite aggressive towards myself. So

15:14

then I drink more, I drink more, and I'm like, no, I'm

15:17

not doing this. And then all of these,

15:19

all of the anxiety and all these frustrations

15:21

that I probably hold in just just we're

15:24

just pouring out of me. And

15:26

I unfortunately got into over

15:28

the years, got into quite a bit of trouble in

15:31

terms of fights and

15:34

arrested at one point. And

15:39

when I was 21. This

15:44

is when my OCD was getting really, really

15:46

bad, extremely bad. And also, you know, things

15:48

have changed by then, you know, different intrusive

15:50

thoughts. I was struggling with POCD,

15:52

which I think still being the worst thing

15:54

I've ever experienced. And.

16:00

you know, I wasn't just praying in my

16:02

head repetitively. I was doing chat, I

16:04

was checking things, you

16:06

know, walking in and out

16:08

of my doors, walking in

16:10

and out of rooms, turning light switches

16:12

on and off, trying

16:17

to think back, false memory, maybe,

16:20

maybe read an OCD thinking back about, oh, was

16:22

I an idiot then? Did I do that then?

16:25

Yeah, so loads and loads of things and

16:28

different forms of OCD I started to experience.

16:30

So it was an extremely difficult time for me. And

16:34

I was out, I think it was Wales, England, rugby,

16:40

got very drunk. And

16:42

I remember walking home. So the next day,

16:44

my mum was meant to drive up to

16:46

North Wales, because my little nephew was about

16:49

to get christened. And all I

16:51

could think of was my mum like maybe crashing the

16:53

car or something. But then I

16:55

was also struggling with, as I said, POCD.

16:57

So I just had these horrendous intrusive thoughts.

16:59

I just I didn't have a clue how

17:02

to deal with them. I've, you

17:04

know, I write in, which has been

17:06

really helpful. This has been going on like

17:08

nearly 10 years now. I've been, you

17:11

know, I've been drinking and now drinking sort of, becoming

17:14

the thing that I'm doing more often. And I

17:16

was just so drunk. And I thought, all I

17:19

want to hear, I'm just fed up with this

17:21

noise, just I just need silence. So I saw

17:23

a taxi coming towards me and I was like,

17:25

let's do it. So I walked in timed it

17:27

perfectly into the middle of the road. And I

17:29

got hit by the taxi, I smashed the windscreen,

17:31

face smashed on the concrete floor, and I just

17:33

laid there. And I did hear

17:35

silence. Obviously, I wouldn't want anybody

17:38

to get to that deep dark place for them to

17:40

hear silence, they should. Hopefully,

17:42

I would encourage them to talk about

17:44

it before that happens. But yeah, I remember laying

17:46

in the middle of the road, very

17:49

fortunate not to be seriously injured

17:51

because I was so drunk, I just bounced off the car.

17:54

And I heard silence and then

17:56

I wasn't allowed to move. I think there was a

17:58

nurse in the back of the taxi. and

18:00

she told me not to move, they got an ambulance and

18:03

all that. And as I said, I was absolutely

18:05

fine, apart from the scratch on my face. It's

18:07

really weird. Very

18:10

lucky, very blessed. And through

18:13

that, I finally

18:15

saw a psychiatrist. And

18:19

they then, what's

18:21

the word, gave

18:24

me access to the OCD

18:26

specialists. And then I

18:28

went on a 10 week group

18:30

therapy course. So once a week, 10 weeks

18:32

later, people with OCD, which I was

18:34

very frightened about because I thought I was then going to catch

18:37

their OCD, realized that's nothing.

18:42

And yeah, I had cognitive

18:44

behavioral therapy, exposure response therapy.

18:49

Really just sort of understood the condition, was

18:52

able to view it from a new perspective, that

18:56

I'm not this horrendously bad person that I

18:59

thought I might have been. And

19:01

that all these things, after all

19:03

these years, all these little things that I've

19:05

done wrong, these things that I think are

19:07

sins and me

19:09

beating myself up for them and giving myself constant

19:12

self punishment. Yeah,

19:15

I realized that was, you

19:17

know, it's all linked, it's all part of OCD.

19:20

And I think that was a huge turning point,

19:22

knowing that. And yeah,

19:24

that therapy, I think also saved my life. That was

19:26

just amazing. I don't know what I would have done

19:28

without that therapy. I

19:31

don't know what I would be now. I need to mention

19:33

this actually. When I was, I think when

19:35

I was about 15 or 16, I did go to Cams for

19:37

a little bit. And as helpful

19:39

as it was, because I did eventually open up to my

19:41

moment, Halla and stuff and things like that.

19:45

And she was really helpful, really supportive,

19:47

you know, as was my dad with

19:49

that. But Cams never really

19:51

got me the specific OCD intervention that

19:53

I needed. It was good to like,

19:55

speak to them and get some help.

19:58

And it was never quite the thing. I needed. So

20:01

I didn't want to say Cam's a badass but I'm

20:03

not also saying Cam's a fantastic, I'm just saying it

20:06

was good from the end of my chest. But

20:10

yeah, it wasn't quite specific what I needed.

20:13

Did they know it was OCD at the time when you

20:15

went at 15? I

20:19

can't remember if they diagnosed me or not but I

20:22

think they were very sure it was. That

20:28

time was such a blur to me. I can't

20:30

really remember if they diagnosed

20:32

me or not. I

20:36

don't know. I'm not saying they weren't helpful because they

20:38

were but as I

20:40

said, it wasn't fully what I needed. And

20:44

then when you leave Cam's, there's nothing happened. You

20:46

just dropped again, 18 years old. Also,

20:50

it's hard

20:54

to tell the story because there's so many things to say.

20:56

I've not said. It

20:59

affected my school work really badly.

21:03

You want to succeed in school but revising

21:05

was hard enough as it is. But with

21:07

OCD, revising was just a nightmare. It

21:10

was really hard to revise for your

21:12

GCSEs. I've

21:15

always wanted to do well. I've always

21:17

been the type of person that thinks like, oh, if

21:20

other people see what grades I get, what are they

21:22

going to think of me when

21:24

I was younger? And then I

21:26

did my GCSEs. I got to sixth form. I didn't want to

21:28

be in sixth form. I went there just because all my mates

21:30

went there. And

21:33

at the time, my last school was falling apart. They've got

21:35

a new building now. And there were poor

21:37

cabins everywhere because it was a massive leak. It

21:40

just wasn't the nicest environment to be in. So,

21:44

yeah, I failed sixth form. And

21:47

then I said to myself, oh, I'll just redo it because I was

21:49

trying to please my mum. And then I failed

21:51

it again. And then

21:53

eventually went to college, which was good. But

21:55

during that time in sixth form with OCD,

21:57

I remember writing a... business

22:00

studies exam. I wrote a

22:02

poem about how I was

22:04

feeling. Well, I just didn't give the bank,

22:06

I just took it home and somewhere in

22:08

my collection of poems. Yeah,

22:12

there's so much to talk about in terms of

22:14

OCD. The big thing for

22:16

me as well was rugby. So I got

22:18

into the Carla Blues Development Squad when I

22:20

was 16, which is decent,

22:24

along with a couple of my friends. And

22:27

I passed the train in and I got in there, a

22:30

couple of my friends dropped out. But

22:33

the reason why I dropped out is because OCD weaved

22:37

into rugby. I actually, I liked to

22:39

play rugby, as I said, I was good at it. But

22:42

I started to have intrusive thoughts of,

22:46

well, what if I hurt somebody when I tackle them? Or

22:48

maybe I'm not allowed to tackle them

22:50

because that's bad. And

22:53

then I'd have intrusive thoughts in

22:55

my head just during the game. I might

22:57

have to finish my compulsions in my head

22:59

before I could then play the game. So

23:02

people were calling me slow, and like,

23:04

as in terms of like slow to react and

23:06

like in my own world, I got shouted at

23:08

by coaches because

23:10

I just couldn't concentrate on the game. I was

23:13

just constantly, constantly doing compulsions. And

23:15

massive triggers for me are swear words. Swear

23:18

words are huge triggers to me. And in

23:20

rugby, swear words every single second of the

23:22

game. So

23:26

when I pray for

23:28

a compulsion, I felt I needed to

23:30

ask forgiveness for that person for swearing.

23:35

So that was just, I

23:37

was just constantly, constantly doing compulsions

23:39

on my pitch. And,

23:41

you know, I can pick up a

23:44

ball now and run into somebody and tackle somebody

23:46

fine because I've gone over that bit. But I

23:48

did actually quit the Blues Development Squad because of

23:50

that. And I quit rugby for a little time

23:52

because of that as well. And

23:56

then like the C

23:59

word is... is horrendous because

24:01

I think it's the worst swear word. And

24:03

because I think it's the worst swear word, it's

24:06

become, and still to

24:08

this day unfortunately, it

24:11

become a massive part of my OCD. So

24:16

my OCD thinks of the C word and

24:18

thinks it's

24:21

linked to, like it's linked to

24:23

the number one because it sort

24:25

of rhymes with it. Which

24:29

means 11, maybe 21, 31, all those things.

24:36

And then what my OCD

24:38

does with that word is the worst

24:40

thing that I possibly could think of

24:42

it happening, which is why

24:45

it does it. It unfortunately takes

24:47

that word and targets it at

24:49

God. And

24:52

then it's like, I feel horrendous thinking

24:54

like, of course I'd never call God

24:56

that horrible word. Of course I wouldn't

24:58

do that on my day. It makes

25:01

me feel absolutely disgraceful and disgusting. And

25:03

the amount of compulsions I feel I have to do just

25:06

to get rid of that one intrusive thought, for

25:08

years and years and years, it's been horrendous. But

25:11

I've got to a place now where I

25:14

feel God knows I have OCD and knows I don't

25:16

mean any of these things. And

25:18

it's become, it has

25:20

become a little bit easier. But

25:24

yeah, I'm just trying to paint the picture, you know. So

25:26

all numbers, I can go through numbers if you want.

25:28

You know, number two, I think

25:31

means pedophile. Number three, I associate

25:33

it sometimes with six, which

25:36

six means the devil. Four

25:40

is like decapitation.

25:43

Five is, oh,

25:46

I forgot what five is. Six,

25:49

as I said, seven's a good number for me. Eight

25:53

represents death. At

25:57

the moment, nine's good for me, but it never used to be. is

26:00

like a family member and

26:02

I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. 11 is at

26:06

the moment

26:08

good for me. 12 is

26:13

you know it could be something associated with God. 13 is

26:16

good because I was born on

26:18

the 13th. 14 is okay because

26:20

7 plus 7 is 14. 15 I think

26:23

is pedophilia. 16 is linked

26:31

to 6. 17 is

26:33

now good because it's linked to my relationship. 18

26:36

is linked to the devil because three

26:39

times six is

26:42

18. 19 I've just got to 20. I don't

26:45

like 19 for some reason and 20 is

26:48

a bit tricky for me as well. I can't remember the

26:50

exact things at the moment what they are. But

26:52

yeah I'm just trying to paint the picture

26:54

of what I was is but I don't

26:56

know who I don't know if anybody who

26:58

doesn't have OCD might listen to this. But

27:03

yeah also reading so when I read I

27:05

love reading but I don't read because it's just too

27:08

stressful for me. I'll pick up a book and

27:11

I'll read a sentence. I'll have an intrusive thought and I'll

27:13

have to read it 20 times and I'm like

27:16

it's just so tiring and exhausting and

27:18

if there's profanity or swear words in

27:20

there it's very difficult for me to read them. And

27:25

sometimes I get triggered just by a letter.

27:29

Like letters can also have various intrusive

27:31

thoughts attached to them. Yeah

27:35

OCD is I

27:37

used to think OCD was a monster then it

27:39

was a bully and I've written a song called

27:41

Bully. Now I think OCD is more of a

27:43

parasite because it gets into

27:46

every little cracks. Anything

27:48

it can sort of wiggle through it will

27:50

just it'll get there and it'll try

27:52

and throw

27:55

an influenza on whatever that thing is. So

27:58

reading at the moment is very difficult for me. which

28:01

is annoying because I'm a poet and I

28:03

should read more. And that

28:05

would probably help me. Audio

28:09

books? What does that

28:11

have the thought of? I can't do that. No, I can't do

28:13

audio books. I struggle a lot because

28:16

I struggle with the person who's reading. It was reading

28:18

it. Oh, okay. Yeah,

28:20

my OCD as well. Like,

28:23

if I'm not familiar with the person or I

28:25

don't know who the person is, I

28:27

don't really like or I don't like them, for example.

28:30

Yeah. I don't want their

28:32

voice in my head because I don't want to be

28:34

them. Yeah. That makes sense.

28:37

I don't want to be command. I only want to be me. I

28:39

only ever want to be me. And so I've had stuff like that

28:41

as well, which is really hard, which

28:43

has been really hard. Yeah. The

28:46

gym. So, again,

28:49

you know, as I said, I played a lot of sport. I

28:51

did a sports. I

28:53

did a sports coaching degree.

28:57

Sorry, I went to. So after six

28:59

form when I failed it twice, I went

29:01

to college and I did sports coaching and

29:03

fitness as a B tech. I did that

29:05

for two years. I then did

29:08

a personal training course to do a level two gym instructor

29:10

and then a personal training course. Level two instructor was night

29:13

school. Then it was a year to do personal training. So

29:17

it's a personal trainer for three years and I

29:19

coached people and, you know, I had clients and

29:21

things like that and tried to

29:23

look after myself. And I did a

29:25

sports coaching degree. But

29:30

OCD got into training really bad. So

29:34

I felt like it was

29:36

easier for me not to look after myself and not

29:38

train as a self punishment for my

29:41

intrusive thoughts. And then

29:43

so say I did have an intrusive thought or

29:45

say I went out and I got really drunk

29:48

and I felt guilty for being drunk. And,

29:51

you know, or something bad happened that night. I didn't

29:53

deserve to then on Monday morning, wake up and go

29:55

to the gym. So

29:57

I battle. I think I battled that for around ten

29:59

years. years. And also

30:02

it had to be on the correct day of

30:05

the week slash date

30:07

slash time slash

30:10

an almost impossible task.

30:12

And all I wanted to do was train. Like

30:15

I wanted to look after myself. I wanted to

30:17

sort of reach my full physical potential. That's all

30:19

I wanted to do. But

30:21

it became a self punishment. So I guess,

30:23

you know, self punishment can

30:25

be a compulsion. And that's basically what

30:28

happened. Yeah.

30:31

After my sports coaching

30:33

degree, it took me to Zambia for

30:35

six weeks where I coached and privileged

30:38

children in Zambia. I also worked with

30:40

our elite athletes and worked in the

30:44

OIDC, so Olympic Youth Development Centre.

30:47

I know it's their Olympic Development

30:49

Centre. You know, the facilities

30:52

compared to here, you

30:54

know, are far, unfortunately, they're not

30:57

as good. It's just

30:59

really sad because there's so

31:01

much talent in Zambia. They're so talented and

31:03

they want to learn. Anyway,

31:05

that's just really sad. It was a fantastic

31:07

experience. And I coached the under 18 hockey

31:09

team, I coached a judo

31:12

athlete named Simon Zulu. And I did sort of

31:14

their build up to the youth Olympic games. So

31:16

when I left two weeks later, they went to

31:18

the youth Olympics, they both came forth,

31:20

which is cool. Not

31:22

just down to me at all, by the way, because I

31:25

don't play the game. I was a tiny, tiny, tiny,

31:27

it was a tiny bit of pile up, which is

31:29

cool. But I also saw the extreme poverty side of

31:32

it and coached

31:34

very young, very young

31:36

children, you know, they're running up to me with dust on

31:38

their skin, no shoes on their feet, but a big grin

31:40

on their face because they wanted to play football. So

31:43

it's an amazing experience. And the reason I'm telling you this is

31:46

because there was a leader out there, his name's

31:48

JP. And at the

31:51

time, I was, you know, as I said,

31:53

as a personal trainer, just finished my degree.

31:57

I was out there with the university and

31:59

was thinking what am I gonna do when I get home? And

32:02

I had a little chat with him and

32:04

he was currently doing, he

32:07

was then doing a master's in international development.

32:09

And I was just blown away. I was like, well, how

32:12

on earth did you decide you wanna do that? Because when

32:14

he'd do a master's, that's your thing, right? And

32:17

so I said, yeah, what made you decide

32:19

to do that? And he said, he asked himself two things. What

32:21

makes him get out of bed in the morning? And

32:24

what does he love? And he said, he

32:27

loves playing basketball because he used to play for Wales,

32:29

for example. But what makes him get out of bed

32:31

in the morning was making

32:33

a positive impact in people's lives. So I

32:35

did the same process to

32:37

myself. I thought I do love coaching

32:39

because I'm making a positive impact. However,

32:41

what makes me get out of bed in the morning is

32:45

my poetry. I was still writing poetry, just not

32:47

showing anybody. I was 23, by the way. My

32:50

poetry craps. I

32:53

thought I wanna make a positive impact with them because I believe

32:55

in them. I don't just write about OCD.

32:57

I write about loads of different things. Politics,

32:59

racism I've written about. Yeah,

33:03

write about loads of things. So a year later, I

33:05

then set up my Instagram and

33:07

then started finally sharing my work. And

33:10

a very, very early poem was called

33:12

Demented, which was about OCD.

33:16

So that's why I'm telling you that story. I'm

33:19

mixing my story up. So yeah, my head's all over

33:21

the place for the minute, sorry. But

33:25

just before I went to Zambia, I

33:28

got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. So

33:31

basically, really quick story about that. Me

33:33

and my fiance, my now fiance went

33:36

to Thailand and Bali. And in

33:38

Bali, we

33:41

stayed in Ubud, which is near the monkey forest, which is really

33:43

cool. I remember going into a surf

33:45

and surf restaurant and I picked up a shrimp

33:47

and I put it in my mouth. Sorry,

33:50

surf and surf restaurant. I went to a restaurant

33:52

and ordered a surf and surf. I picked up

33:54

a shrimp, I put it in my mouth. It tasted

33:57

horrendous. I spat it out and I thought in my

33:59

head. I think

34:01

that shrimp has definitely gone off. So

34:04

for the next seven or so days, I think we had

34:06

about ten days left. I slowly started to

34:08

feel ill. And I've had sunstroke

34:10

before and I thought, oh no,

34:13

I'm going to get sunstroke again. I'm thinking,

34:15

oh no, I want to enjoy myself here.

34:17

So I was putting the paracetamol in and

34:20

I still, you know, drinking away alcohol just to try

34:22

and enjoy myself. But on the flight

34:24

home, my head started to really

34:26

pound. And then the three hour journey

34:29

from London back to Cardiff, back

34:31

to Wales, you know, it was even worse. And

34:33

then for the next two days, I was living with my mum at

34:35

the time. I

34:38

was trying to sort of sweat it all

34:40

out with a night nurse, you know, medication

34:42

and tablets. I was just

34:44

sweating loads and my temperature was high. My mum

34:47

said, you need to go to the doctor. It's

34:49

like really bad. So I went up

34:51

and they took one look at my temperature and

34:54

then sent me straight to the infectious disease unit. So

34:56

basically I had salmonella and they

34:58

found out it took them a while. And

35:01

I mean, like maybe months to find out what

35:03

type of salmonella I had. A

35:05

month or two that took them. It was

35:07

called type two Java salmonella. And Java

35:10

is like Indonesia region. But

35:12

because I'd waited so long, it got into my

35:15

blood. So I basically had sepsis. So

35:17

I was on an intravenous line for six weeks with

35:20

antibiotics. And then within about

35:23

within a year, then I had a slow

35:25

transition into type one diabetes. They believe that

35:27

was the first trigger. And then it was

35:29

in my last year of university. Somebody ripped my

35:31

car off and I got into an altercation, which

35:33

I won't talk about. But it left me with

35:35

a little bit PTSD and then back type one

35:37

diabetes. And the reason why I'm telling you this

35:39

is because that

35:42

then that then weaved itself

35:44

into my OCD. But

35:47

I'm not going to tell you about that.

35:49

I'm going to let my poem tell you about that. I've

35:52

got a poem called Perfect.

35:55

It's actually called Perfect Part Two because Perfect

35:59

initially... was just about in

36:01

my other diabetes thing I've done. But

36:05

this is called Perfect Part Two. Trying

36:16

to be perfect is like running

36:19

on a glass bridge with metal spikes, walking

36:21

on a frozen lake with no ice, tiptoeing

36:23

on a tight rope from a high height.

36:27

Trying to be perfect is like

36:29

a relentless fight, shadow boxing against

36:31

my mind. I've boxed up

36:33

doubt. I fear if I let it out,

36:35

I will live in the shadow of me myself

36:37

is complicated despite against my health. Trying

36:40

to be perfect is on the edge of failure. On

36:43

the edge of failure is self punishment.

36:45

On the edge of self punishment is

36:48

self-destruction. On the edge of self destruction

36:50

is imperfection, a cycle of nothing but

36:52

stress. Nothing but putting

36:54

pressure on myself to only feel worth

36:57

less. That is being

37:00

perfect with stress, tormenting

37:02

thoughts. I'm in a continuous

37:05

war with no warning they spawn. I

37:07

try to ignore them, they take a new form.

37:09

I sit and I draw up all the conclusions

37:11

if the thought actually forms. I'm

37:13

having withdrawals, compulsions I mourn. I'm shattered,

37:15

I yawn. I'm battered, I'm worn. Bags

37:17

live under my eyes. It's as if

37:19

somebody is gripping, somebody is ripping my

37:21

stomach, my body is torn. I

37:23

grip my teeth. I cannot be

37:25

besides myself because that means I'll be the

37:28

shadow then OCD is one. I

37:30

need to inject but the numbers are wrong.

37:32

How can I go on? Do I inject

37:34

too little, too many? Nothing's perfect, I'm gone.

37:37

Obsession, injection, compulsion, injection,

37:39

bad number, rejection, obsession,

37:41

rejection, compulsion, injection, perfection.

37:43

I'm testing, I'm checking.

37:46

Is it between the

37:48

four and the seven?

37:50

Bad number, rejection, bad

37:52

number, rejection, bad number,

37:54

neglect, bad number, eject, high

37:56

blood, forget. Bad thought, upset, bad

37:58

head, feel dead. No tears are

38:01

shed up. I'm numb, imperfect.

38:03

I'm numb, imperfect. I'm numb,

38:05

imperfect. Wait. What

38:09

did I say? What if

38:11

I made the word appear different, a slightly

38:13

different shape than my perspective might change? Put

38:16

an apostrophe in between the I and M, then

38:18

just add a space. What does it say? I'm

38:22

perfect in my own imperfect

38:24

way. This gift, do I

38:26

deserve it? To use rhymes to

38:28

articulate how my body, my brain, my heart

38:30

feels. God gave me this gift

38:33

as my escape. When I write things down,

38:35

my endorphins are doing cartwheels. It

38:37

is the powerful way I communicate. Maybe

38:39

God gave me this gift to also help others. Maybe

38:41

I needed to have suffered to pick up the pen

38:44

and empty bad thoughts from my brain

38:46

so others relate in the suit of

38:48

their pain because I'm obsessed with words.

38:50

I'm blessed, not cursed. These conditions

38:53

are my test on Earth. OCD, all the

38:55

checks I'm urged to complete when I'm wrecked,

38:57

I turn to T1D. All

39:00

the checks I'm urged to complete a relentless surge

39:02

of energy. But through stress, I've learned to accept

39:04

my terms, not had a rest since birth. But

39:06

I won't rest till I'm dead in the dirt.

39:08

Forget these nerves. I'm going to work on myself

39:10

as I set my goals and write my notes. Before

39:13

I'm ghost, I'm going to be the best person I

39:15

can be. Forget perfection. I'm just going

39:17

to be the best version of me. Nice.

39:21

That is perfect, that's awesome. I love it.

39:24

And the reason why I'm saying that is because, so

39:26

with my pen. So

39:30

with insulin, you load up the

39:32

barrel and there's numbers. And

39:34

what's a big part of my OCD? Numbers. So

39:39

I have to inject certain numbers. So for

39:41

every 10 grams of carbohydrate, I inject one

39:43

unit of insulin. But

39:45

if I'm having a bad day and OCD

39:48

wants to attack a number or attach

39:50

itself to a number, it's very, very

39:52

difficult for me to inject the insulin.

39:54

I need the insulin, otherwise my blood

39:56

sugar levels are too high. So.

40:00

So before, when I was at

40:02

a bad stage with

40:04

my diagnosis, because

40:06

it's a bit of a life change in diagnosis, I

40:10

would sometimes, because it was just easier for me

40:12

to inject too many. So

40:14

if I inject too many units, I'd rapidly

40:17

need to carbohydrate, otherwise I'd go really low

40:19

into a hyperglycemia, which

40:21

is dangerous. Or

40:23

I'd just inject too little and

40:26

then float around in hyperglycemia, so

40:28

too high. So I did really

40:30

battle with it. And there's this sort

40:32

of perfection thing with

40:35

type I diabetes, where you have to stay

40:37

in between four and seven, your blood glucose

40:40

levels between four and seven. So

40:42

there was that part of it. And

40:45

then there was the OCD part of it,

40:48

perfect and

40:50

not like perfect in, excuse

40:52

me, in the sense of like,

40:55

like I don't know, my desk needs to

40:57

look perfect. Not

40:59

perfectionist, but perfect in terms of,

41:03

I cannot start a new thing that is gonna

41:05

be good for me, unless

41:07

all of my compulsions are

41:10

completed. There's no intrusive thoughts.

41:12

The number of the days, the correct day,

41:14

da da da da da. And I mean that

41:17

as being perfect.

41:19

So that poem has really helped me

41:22

because understanding that, you

41:25

know, nothing, like it's gonna, it's so difficult to

41:27

be perfect. It is literally walking on a tightrope

41:29

all the time, you know, and

41:31

it's just not, it's yeah, that poem has helped

41:33

me and I hope it helps some of the people that

41:35

it's okay for things not to be perfect and start things.

41:41

Yeah. Sorry,

41:43

my story has just been here and everywhere

41:45

today. I was, oh, I had to look at

41:47

the place, but there we are. Yeah,

41:51

so, well, thank you

41:53

for your spoken word and obviously thank you

41:55

for your story. And

41:57

there was a lot in here that you've shared that

41:59

I haven't heard. you know and I've

42:01

heard you say it twice before you

42:03

know both the events you mentioned earlier

42:05

you did it right and so even

42:07

more came out here so I'm honored

42:09

to hear it. I'm trying

42:11

to think so I think I know the answer

42:14

to this but with alcohol you're tea total now

42:16

like you don't drink? No

42:18

I do drink now and

42:20

I try and drink in moderation. Okay cool.

42:23

I'll be completely real with you though like I do

42:25

have the odd slip up I'm not gonna say I

42:28

don't because I do yeah I'm far

42:30

far far better than I was my relationship

42:32

with alcohol is far better than it was

42:36

um you know I know when

42:38

to stop and I can stop and

42:41

I don't drink as often however going

42:45

forward I personally like a goal of

42:47

mine I don't know when this will happen I

42:50

would love to be tea total one day yeah definitely.

42:52

Okay cool um

42:55

and and with therapy so you did that 10 week

42:57

group therapy course yeah

43:00

yeah 10 weeks I've done it twice

43:02

oh twice okay I had to do it

43:05

about five or six years later because you

43:07

know I was 21 I had

43:09

that therapy and then I just cracked on

43:11

for five six years and then things happened

43:13

again so I did it again I had

43:16

a real life I'd like I

43:18

had my first ever sort of panic

43:20

attack and uh okay basically

43:23

the old job I was in it was just just

43:25

crap and I had a bit

43:27

of difficulty with some people in that

43:29

job um

43:32

and just yeah just things got on top of me

43:34

and then I desperately needed help again I actually paid

43:36

for private therapy while I was waiting as well because

43:38

I was just so desperate yeah and that

43:40

was a few years ago all

43:43

right okay okay cool um

43:45

so obviously writing helps you uh therapy

43:48

helped you is there anything else that you

43:51

would consider in your kind of toolkit for

43:53

acb 100 percent

43:55

um I've got seven things actually sorry

44:04

But before I say these seven things, I

44:06

don't do these seven things like every week or

44:09

every day. I think it's really important

44:11

for people to understand that, to not

44:13

put pressure on yourself to do

44:15

these things. I think if you

44:17

try and weave at least, you know, maybe one

44:19

or two, three of them into your weekly schedule,

44:21

monthly schedule, maybe that can help. So

44:23

my seven things are, first

44:26

of all, so

44:28

I was doing a compulsion in my head. I'm also telling

44:31

you because we do not. First

44:35

of all, where should

44:37

we start? Let's

44:39

start with food. I

44:42

try, you know, if I can eat good

44:46

foods and,

44:50

you know, the less sugar I eat and the less, you

44:52

know, binge bad foods I eat,

44:55

you know, you are what you eat. If you eat

44:57

junk food, you're going to feel like junk, right? So

44:59

it's important to me. Sleep,

45:03

I really need my eight hours. I'm one of those people

45:05

who needs eight hours. The

45:08

more tired I am, the more

45:10

difficult it is to say, OCD,

45:13

no, I'm not doing those compulsions. I'm

45:15

going to actually crack going my day.

45:17

If I'm really tired, yeah, that's hard.

45:20

And then I end up doing all compulsions. OCD is

45:22

harder to manage. And also type

45:24

1 diabetes is harder to manage when I'm tired.

45:27

Who to run is exercise, and that's been key for me.

45:30

So recently, I say recently, last year and a half.

45:33

So this is still very fresh. Last year and a half,

45:35

I've been going to the gym consistently for a year and

45:37

a half. But before it would be like

45:39

three months and then I'd say, no, I'm not allowed it,

45:41

you know, self punishment. And that's

45:44

CrossFit. CrossFit is a massive community. I'm

45:47

not saying people have to do CrossFit, but I'm

45:49

just telling you, again, it's part of my story.

45:51

The CrossFit community have been extremely helpful. They're

45:55

really supportive. You meet all walks of life there. And

45:59

they do. events and stuff and throughout the

46:01

year and it's a huge community and it's

46:03

kept me going it's kept me even when

46:05

I'm struggling I'm gonna go to the gym

46:07

and work out with a lovely

46:10

group of people so that's been really

46:12

really beneficial for me for my mental

46:14

health. OCC has been amazing and as

46:16

I said year and a half now

46:18

I've been going consistently and that

46:21

has taken me as I said about 10 years to

46:23

get to so that's huge for me.

46:26

Number four I would say nature

46:28

I love nature and if

46:30

I could get out in it more I would but

46:33

I believe you know you walk through the trees and

46:35

it's gonna heal you in

46:37

terms of I

46:40

don't know if I go through a walk through through

46:42

the woods when I'm in

46:44

the woods I feel energetic because I feel like the

46:46

trees give me energy it's peaceful it's calming and then

46:48

when I come home I want to sleep because then

46:50

I want to rest. It's like that nice sort of

46:52

thing you know. Yeah you know any sort of nature

46:55

I think get out yeah get

46:57

out definitely I think number five is

47:00

creativity in any

47:02

sort of shape or form you know it

47:04

could be drawing it could be sculpting

47:06

it could be knitting for

47:08

me it's poetry for

47:10

you it could be something else give it a go express

47:13

yourself and be real

47:15

real honest open and

47:20

and free and just

47:22

allow yourself in any sort

47:24

of way get out whatever's in you just just get

47:27

out in a creative way and you've also

47:29

got something then as well to say oh I was

47:31

feeling bad but and this is what happened but look

47:34

you know maybe this could help you type thing again

47:37

it could you could be just for you though it doesn't have to help

47:39

others. Number six is

47:41

I feel like

47:43

human beings in general like

47:48

generally have passion and

47:50

generally have meaning and

47:52

want to do something meaningful I

47:54

think for me that's being hugely

47:57

empowering and hugely important to

47:59

find something of meaning. So

48:02

my job also consists of doing a lot

48:04

of workshops with the community.

48:07

I go into schools. I've

48:10

worked with adult mental health services. I've

48:13

worked with substance abuse, the deaf community,

48:16

so on and so forth. I've worked with a

48:18

lot of people doing, putting

48:20

on poetry workshops, and creative writing workshops.

48:24

And also, I feel the poems that

48:26

I write are meaningful. So find something

48:28

of meaning in your life and try and do

48:31

more of it, I guess. And then

48:33

number seven is, oh, I'm

48:36

getting lost now. What

48:39

have I said? I said exercise,

48:41

sleep, food, passion,

48:44

creativity, nature. Talking.

48:49

Yeah, talking. Find

48:51

somebody or anybody,

48:53

or even if it's a helpline, just talk. Talk,

48:56

talk to somebody. How are you feeling? Get off

48:58

your chest. Have

49:00

a chat. And if that

49:02

means have cognitive behavioral therapy and talk out,

49:04

do you know what I mean? So

49:06

talking is also therapy, isn't it? Then

49:09

my thought was seven things that if I

49:11

could do every week would be wonderful, but I'd try and do

49:13

as much as I can. Yeah,

49:17

awesome. Well, you know, like

49:19

the, obviously, finding a sense of meaning and

49:21

purpose is so important. And

49:26

what you're saying about nature, that's

49:28

fully backed by science. The Japanese

49:31

were like 30, 40 years ago started researching because

49:35

they knew that loads of people were

49:37

really unwell because they were working too hard.

49:40

Post-war, they were trying to rebuild Japan and

49:42

all of that. And they've even got a

49:44

word for people that die at work. That's

49:46

how bad it got in their culture. I can't remember

49:48

the name of it. Why? Yeah,

49:51

it's messed up. But I think it's changing a little

49:53

bit now. Anyway, so they thought, well, what do we

49:55

have a lot of? And we have a lot of

49:57

trees. I think Japan's like something like 70. I

50:01

could be slightly increasing that number, but it's a

50:03

large number. And then so

50:05

they started researching what are the benefits of

50:08

being in nature and they created Shimmer and

50:10

Yoku, which is forest bathing basically. And

50:13

they say within two hours of being in a

50:15

woodland or in nature and by rivers and all

50:17

of this, they found the

50:19

benefit on anxiety and stress is massive.

50:22

The benefit on increasing natural killer

50:24

cells, which fight off

50:26

things like cancers and things like

50:29

that increase just from two

50:31

hours. So it's pretty amazing. And

50:33

they've spent decades, millions research in

50:35

this. And I think also some

50:37

of Sweden has also looked into it. But so,

50:40

yes, I just wanted to share that it's

50:42

not woowoo or out there. What you're experiencing

50:44

is actually backed by data. Well,

50:47

that's amazing. And it makes sense

50:49

because we're all living organisms on the same earth.

50:52

Yeah. Oh, you know, everything connects

50:54

in some shape or form, doesn't it? Yeah,

50:58

like the eventual oils, the trees give off,

51:00

calm us. The

51:02

fractal patterns of the branches calm us

51:05

like it's yeah. Loads

51:07

of other examples. They say if you talk to

51:09

trees as well. I'm not sure if

51:11

you heard that. I don't know if that's been

51:14

backed by science, but I mean, I know that.

51:16

I feel like plants in my room. I'll

51:18

have a chat to a plant. Yeah, I love it. You

51:21

know, you know, feel a feel a tree and

51:24

get, you know, feel the energy and stuff. Yeah,

51:27

that's something there, man. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah,

51:30

exactly. Nice, but

51:32

I like those examples. Yeah, you're right

51:34

to say like we can't always get

51:36

to everything every week. And if we

51:38

tried, we'd probably stress ourselves out, which

51:40

is counterproductive anyway. Yeah.

51:44

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

51:47

But yeah. So with

51:49

your spoken word and like the workshop and

51:51

stuff, is this full time for you now?

51:54

Is that your job? Yeah,

51:56

it's been full time now for. a

52:00

year and a half. I'm

52:03

loving it. It's just been the best thing I've ever

52:05

done. I just believe.

52:09

I wasn't even worried about taking the leap

52:11

because I was so ready to leave that

52:13

other job. But

52:15

also, the last few years

52:17

I've been sort of building up a little bit of

52:19

a profile in terms of just getting my work out

52:21

there and people who

52:23

are extremely gracious and kind, saying

52:26

lovely things, which is nice, and

52:28

the odd commission here and there. So

52:30

yeah, I was ready just to give it a go and

52:32

it's been the best decision I've ever made. So I'm really

52:34

happy, man. Amazing.

52:37

I love to see people chasing their

52:39

dreams and grabbing

52:41

them. So let

52:45

me think. So was there like, I'm

52:48

sure there was many, but was there

52:50

like a big roadblock for you in your

52:52

recovery? And if so, how did you sort

52:54

of overcome it? A

52:56

roadblock in recovery. In

52:59

recovery, yeah. Something that was like getting in

53:01

your way or making it difficult. Good

53:09

question.

53:17

Probably like overthinking.

53:21

I'm not going to

53:23

tell you what they were because I

53:27

don't feel comfortable in doing that. But overthinking

53:30

maybe some events

53:32

that have happened years

53:36

ago. I'm wondering

53:39

and trying to work out exactly what

53:43

happened in those events. That's

53:46

been challenging. There's

53:49

constantly linking that to me being

53:51

this horrendous person. I

53:54

would say that was very challenging. They

53:57

saw a real event, I see. Yeah.

54:00

So yeah, really, that was really difficult.

54:02

That is tough to

54:05

deal with. Yeah. That's what

54:07

I've experienced. Yeah. Have

54:09

you experienced it? Yeah. It was still flare up

54:11

now from time to time. I have to like,

54:14

use my skills and not get pulled

54:16

into revisiting memories and analyzing them and

54:18

always you just go into hell and

54:22

yeah, it's horrible. It's also like, it's

54:25

even hard to even mentioning it just

54:27

on this. It's just like, yeah. Yeah.

54:29

It's something, unfortunately, it's,

54:31

I do. Yeah.

54:34

I don't, I don't, I don't really like talking about

54:36

it. It's just, yeah. But

54:39

I'm just trying to be open. Yeah. I

54:41

appreciate it. We're good. Good work bringing

54:43

it out. Um, so,

54:46

uh, yeah, just words

54:48

of hope for anyone listening, you know, that going

54:51

through OCD or going through

54:54

OCD and diabetes, I'm sure there's someone

54:56

else listening with that combination. Um,

54:59

definitely. Um, anything you want to say? I

55:03

would say really quick before I do do that,

55:05

that I think the, um,

55:08

the religious OCD, which

55:11

is still very much there has also been

55:13

extremely challenging and was presented a bit of

55:15

a block as well. A bit, not a

55:17

block, but a block that

55:19

I had to get over. And

55:24

me finally, like understanding that.

55:29

I think the biggest thing for me was accepting that God knows

55:31

I have OCD. So

55:35

rather that helped me change my perspective. Like

55:38

he knows I don't want to do these horrendous things. I

55:40

don't want to be able to examine. Uh,

55:44

and the way I look at it now is, you

55:48

know, very similar to what I said in that poem, and

55:51

this is, you know, you might completely disagree, but

55:53

I'm just going to say what I believe and,

55:56

uh, we'll roll with it. Uh,

55:58

I do, I personally. believe that

56:05

human beings are, how

56:08

do I say this, in the best way possible,

56:11

I believe we've got our challenges

56:13

on earth, put it that way,

56:15

and our own individual challenges. I

56:19

believe that through those

56:22

challenges, and let me tell

56:24

you now, as you know, OCD has been the

56:26

challenge of my life. Type

56:29

1 diabetes, yes, I've got it injected every

56:31

day, you know, it sucks.

56:34

But you know, it is like, you know, I'm,

56:37

let me tell you, OCD is the challenge,

56:39

is the challenge. I've said that, you know,

56:41

with people with type 1 diabetes, you

56:44

know, I believe we're

56:46

all given challenges on

56:48

this earth. But

56:51

the biggest thing that we are also

56:53

given is free will. And

56:58

we have the choice evidently, and

57:00

we have the free will to deal

57:02

with these challenges the best that we

57:05

possibly, the best that we can. And through

57:08

through suffering, and there

57:11

is suffering, like OCD is so suffering. And

57:13

I know that word these days, people don't

57:15

like to use that word, they like to

57:17

use the word struggle. But no,

57:19

it's, you suffer, OCD,

57:21

you suffer. But

57:23

through suffering, and this is in the Bible

57:25

as well, by the way, there's a verse

57:28

in the Bible, suffering teaches perseverance, and

57:30

perseverance is a powerful thing. And

57:33

yeah, so I

57:35

believe, I believe that really, I believe we're all

57:38

given these challenges, challenges on earth. But evidently, we

57:40

have free will and how we how

57:43

we decide to manage

57:45

them. And

57:47

that's not easy, you know, and that's the point of

57:49

it. It's not meant to be. Would

57:52

I give OCD back now? Would

57:54

I say I want to restart my life and

57:56

not have OCD? No, because I wouldn't

57:58

be where I am now. I

58:00

wouldn't have gone to the OCD Action Conference and

58:02

spoke, and hopefully, been a positive

58:06

impact for some people there. But

58:10

I had to go through all that horrible stuff to get to there.

58:13

So yes, so if we're thinking about purpose and things

58:15

like that, yes, I do think things are done for

58:17

a purpose and that's just the way I look at

58:19

it. And maybe that's a way to

58:22

look at it for somebody who is struggling with

58:25

it. But

58:27

I mean, the advice I would give is the first advice

58:29

I would give is to talk. You

58:32

have to talk out. There will

58:34

be no intrusive thought that you've had. Even

58:36

people without OCD that I've probably not had.

58:40

And that's the biggest thing that stops us from

58:42

talking. We think these thoughts are violent to suggest

58:44

in. Listen, pedophile

58:46

OCD is horrendous. It's horrendous.

58:50

It's the most horrendous thing

58:52

ever. And there's people who are not

58:54

going to understand it, unfortunately, because of the stigma

58:57

attached to it, which means you've

58:59

got to speak to people that

59:01

are going to understand you and maybe

59:03

understand OCD. So obviously, be selective

59:06

with who you talk to. But

59:08

that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. You need to

59:10

get these things off your chest. We

59:14

all have these horrendous intrusive thoughts, whether you

59:16

have OCD or not, I believe. And

59:18

it's just the way, unfortunately, we can respond to them. So

59:21

you're not alone. You're not alone with those intrusive

59:23

thoughts. And the quicker you

59:26

start talking about them and start getting

59:28

them off your chest, is the quicker you're going to

59:30

get the help that you need, whether it be cognitive

59:32

behavioral therapy, exposure response therapy,

59:34

I don't know. But is

59:37

the quicker you're going to hopefully recover or

59:39

go into recovery? Sorry. I

59:42

think that's my biggest advice. You just you've got to take that leap

59:44

and you've got to talk. Yeah,

59:46

good advice. Yeah, absolutely.

59:50

And then if we pick up the phone and

59:52

call the 20-year-old you, what would you tell

59:54

him? Oh, if you

59:56

call the 20-year-old me. probably

1:00:00

tell him put down the

1:00:02

drink keep

1:00:04

keep writing and

1:00:07

go and talk go and find help

1:00:09

now because you're about to

1:00:11

do something very silly and it's about you're out

1:00:13

to hit your old time though you need to

1:00:15

you need to sort that out you need to

1:00:17

go and tell somebody exactly what's happening in your

1:00:19

head right now talk

1:00:22

it man yeah got to talk talk

1:00:25

it out yeah

1:00:27

that's it and then you

1:00:29

got a billboard in

1:00:32

Cardiff let's say what do you want written on

1:00:34

that billboard oh oh

1:00:39

that's very that's a good question let

1:00:43

me think let me think I'm thinking

1:00:45

I'm thinking it

1:00:51

would probably go it would probably be something like um

1:00:59

OCD is I

1:01:02

think Andrew Huberman said this by the way do you

1:01:04

know Andrew Huberman yeah I do yeah I don't

1:01:07

know him personally but yeah no of course

1:01:09

yeah well I did try and get him on the

1:01:11

podcast actually did you? no

1:01:13

no ok that would be sick keep

1:01:15

going yeah I

1:01:20

would say OCD

1:01:22

is the number seven most debilitating

1:01:24

conditions out of all please

1:01:28

do not use

1:01:31

it flippantly something like that I'd probably try and

1:01:33

diminish the stigma that's what I'd try and do

1:01:36

yeah nice I like that he

1:01:38

said it's number seven

1:01:40

from the thing that

1:01:43

I was watching on his I don't know what on his

1:01:45

YouTube channel yeah he did

1:01:47

a whole episode on OCD didn't he well

1:01:49

when he said that I was just like well that's

1:01:51

a huge like statistic to put out there in the

1:01:53

world and say it's number seven and

1:01:57

then I thought bloody hell like I

1:02:00

know how debilitating OCD is because I've got it,

1:02:02

but people need less. Like if you tell people who

1:02:05

don't know what OCD is and say, well,

1:02:07

it's actually number seven

1:02:09

most debilitating, not

1:02:11

that it should be, you know, I'm not saying that

1:02:14

you compete in debilitating conditions, but to know that it's

1:02:16

number seven and the less. Like

1:02:19

that's huge, man. Like especially because

1:02:21

it's so stigmatized and so used

1:02:23

often, so often used flippantly, you

1:02:26

know, yeah, people need to know.

1:02:29

But they need to know what it is. It's

1:02:31

flippant horrendous. Yeah, and

1:02:33

I agree with that. It's a strong, a

1:02:35

strong statistic. And yeah, OCD

1:02:37

is kind of often seen as a joke, which then

1:02:41

leads to misdiagnosis and wrong

1:02:43

diagnosis. So, lastly, Duke,

1:02:45

anything else you wish you could have

1:02:47

said or shared today? I'm

1:02:51

sure there's loads of things. I

1:02:53

was really, really bad at telling my story then. I'm

1:02:55

so sorry. Here, there

1:02:57

and everywhere. Maybe

1:03:02

some more more compulsions like running up and

1:03:04

down the stairs is a big thing because there's

1:03:06

numbers on stairs, you know, 12345 is going

1:03:08

up. So, OK,

1:03:11

so I need to run past the number six a certain number

1:03:13

of times, for example. And

1:03:16

when that was really bad, I was hitting like

1:03:18

running up and down the stairs over 50 times easy. That's

1:03:22

very tiring. And getting

1:03:24

into bed can be an issue for me. You

1:03:28

know, getting into bed because I want to

1:03:30

go to sleep and I know what I'm in bed to go

1:03:32

to sleep. So if I have an intrusive thought, I'm in and

1:03:35

out and I'm in and out. It's so unfair and my fiance

1:03:37

and I try my best to do, to not

1:03:40

do that with her. Yeah, yeah.

1:03:44

And then I would say

1:03:46

there's been once where I've like stapled

1:03:48

my finger, for example, which

1:03:51

was a compulsion. I

1:03:53

pulled out hair, I punched myself in the face.

1:03:57

I have what else am I doing? A

1:04:00

big one for me at the moment still as well is putting

1:04:02

on clothes. I

1:04:05

struggle to just even get dressed. I'm a grown man

1:04:07

and I can't get dressed. That's because

1:04:09

I've got OCD. No, I struggle just sometimes

1:04:11

just to get dressed and then I'm

1:04:13

often late for things. So I'll put on boxes. I

1:04:16

have to put them on a certain way and then I'll take them

1:04:18

off and then I'll put them on again and then I finally

1:04:21

got my boxes on and then the same thing happens with

1:04:23

socks and I finally get my socks

1:04:25

on and I've got to put trousers on. Do you

1:04:27

know what I mean? I'm consuming. And OCD

1:04:30

is clever man. OCD does

1:04:32

these things because it's like you have to wear

1:04:34

clothes. You're going out. You

1:04:36

have to wear clothes. So it's like, let

1:04:39

me grab you there. I've

1:04:41

had a little bit of drive in OCD. I'm

1:04:45

just trying to paint the picture just in

1:04:48

case it helps anybody. That's all. And

1:04:51

in terms of real event

1:04:53

OCD, it's looking back at

1:04:55

things when maybe I've

1:04:59

not been happy with

1:05:01

the way I've acted and things like that. And

1:05:04

then just completely over analyzing

1:05:06

things or completely overthinking those

1:05:08

scenarios. That's

1:05:10

been very challenging. A

1:05:13

lot of it's been to do with drink as well. But

1:05:18

yeah, I guess I'm sure there's plenty of other

1:05:20

things I've not said. But as

1:05:22

long as I've mentioned as much

1:05:25

as I can think of, hopefully might

1:05:28

resonate with somebody, then yeah, I'm happy. I do

1:05:30

have one more poem. Yeah,

1:05:32

you want to do it? Yeah. And

1:05:36

I've just done this actually in London for

1:05:38

OCD action for the Carol service. Monday.

1:05:42

Monday. Nice. And

1:05:46

so this poem is festive. It's a

1:05:48

festive poem. It

1:05:52

is called the the actress. The

1:05:54

actress, I know I'm older. I

1:05:57

know you don't exist, but in case

1:05:59

you're. real here it is my Christmas list. I

1:06:02

know I don't deserve gifts or deliver life of

1:06:04

pure bliss but... I'm hurting.

1:06:07

This is more like a desperate wish. Please

1:06:10

let me wake up feeling free on

1:06:12

the 25th. No more compulsions. Let

1:06:15

intrusive thoughts become a myth. Let

1:06:17

me be in the present with my family where I

1:06:19

can happily live. Let my presence

1:06:22

present the real me. No worry to contest

1:06:24

with. That would be the best

1:06:26

gift. I hope you're

1:06:28

real. I feel disconnected. And

1:06:30

even if you are, I guess you will be

1:06:32

busy with your checklists. I know

1:06:35

all about that so don't worry

1:06:37

if you forget this. Best

1:06:40

wishes. Duke. Dear

1:06:44

Chris, I'm not sure if

1:06:46

you remember me or ever read my letter but

1:06:48

it's that time of year again. My

1:06:50

thoughts aren't much better. They

1:06:52

are harsh, they are cold like the North

1:06:55

Pole weather and it's worst ever snow storm

1:06:57

my body tremors from the terrors. My

1:07:00

mind is decorated with outcomes of

1:07:02

tragedy. When I outrun just one

1:07:04

intrusive thought, outcomes a travesty. A

1:07:06

Grinch who leaves me within. An

1:07:08

inch of thinking and capacity who

1:07:10

wraps my brain in holly leaves.

1:07:12

Thinking becomes catastrophe. You

1:07:15

ride your sleigh with sleigh bells and sleigh

1:07:17

and reindeers. My mind is slain.

1:07:19

He raises hell. He reigns fears. I pray

1:07:21

and I pray my tears form rain and

1:07:23

that rain clears the pain from the flames until

1:07:25

it happens again the same year. Please

1:07:28

Chris, this 25th would you let my

1:07:30

mind be calm. I want to decorate

1:07:32

the tree without thinking of hanging or

1:07:34

harm. I want to hang stockings, pull

1:07:36

crackers without thinking of bombs. I

1:07:38

guess I really am crackers if I think

1:07:41

you're even listening. Please tell me I'm wrong.

1:07:43

Sing me a song. Distract me. Give me

1:07:45

wings to move on. Away from the pain.

1:07:47

Away from the sins. Will you respond? You

1:07:50

are sincerely Duke. to

1:08:00

you. Fears have heightened. I

1:08:02

cannot keep on fighting through this

1:08:04

tightening noose. OCD has my life

1:08:06

aloof. The frightening truth? I can't

1:08:08

find the light unscrewed. How

1:08:11

do I get out of this? How do I

1:08:13

get you to answer my very first wish?

1:08:16

The only gift I ever wanted was for

1:08:18

you to lift this hydraulic press of responsibility

1:08:20

off my shoulders before I'm squished. My

1:08:23

brother just had a baby boy. I want

1:08:25

to spend time with my family, watching

1:08:27

play with toys. Rip the wrapping paper

1:08:30

with radiating joy without the struggle of

1:08:32

uncertainty and the rays of blade and

1:08:34

noise. OCD tells me

1:08:36

I do not deserve this. But Chris?

1:08:38

No this? I am determined. This is

1:08:40

my last letter to you. Maybe you

1:08:43

never wrote back on purpose. I

1:08:45

guess I needed to figure this out for myself

1:08:47

to know I am worth it. I refuse to

1:08:49

live on where I'm not really living. I refuse

1:08:51

to stop doing the things that I love that

1:08:54

I feel are fulfilling. I will be the hero

1:08:56

of my story. Defeat in OCD the villain. I

1:08:59

will spread this message to empower

1:09:01

others as Christmas is forgiving.

1:09:04

Many many thanks. Fuke.

1:09:08

Thank you very much. That's awesome. That's

1:09:10

awesome. Did you do that at the OCE

1:09:12

actions carol service? Yeah

1:09:14

I did that on Monday. Yeah that was really

1:09:16

cool. It went down well.

1:09:18

A lot of people were really

1:09:21

really really kind and came up to me.

1:09:23

It was nice. Yeah I love it.

1:09:25

I love that. It reminds me of I don't know

1:09:27

if it's a compliment or an insult but Eminem Stan?

1:09:31

Oh that's far from an insult. That's

1:09:33

definitely intense. It's just because it's much

1:09:35

more gruesome isn't it Stan? Oh that

1:09:37

was very gruesome. They have a great

1:09:39

song. Oh that's

1:09:41

fantastic. Such a clever story to

1:09:44

tell. And yeah I

1:09:46

would assume when I was writing that there was a

1:09:48

bit of an influence from Stan there.

1:09:51

But I do have my own version of

1:09:53

Stan coming out soon by the way. Yeah

1:09:55

I've got a cover of

1:09:58

Stan. So I hope

1:10:00

My plan is to drop it before before the new

1:10:02

year, but we'll see Well,

1:10:06

so anyone listening to this this should come

1:10:09

out about new year I'll put the links

1:10:11

to your stuff in the show notes anyway

1:10:13

So I'm sure if you've released it by

1:10:15

then you people can check out through those

1:10:17

channels What you have

1:10:19

but look, thank you so much for coming

1:10:22

on sharing your your poetry and obviously

1:10:24

your story more importantly Like it was great

1:10:26

to hear it again and in more detail

1:10:29

I know it resonates with many. So, thank you

1:10:33

No, thanks. Honestly. Thanks for having me and I

1:10:36

just think what you're doing is awesome and the

1:10:39

consistency just get

1:10:41

people to tell their stories and You

1:10:44

know each story is gonna Resonate

1:10:47

with so many people You

1:10:49

know new things new things come up. But

1:10:51

also I think allowing Having

1:10:53

a platform to allow people to share their stories

1:10:56

who have OCD is huge

1:10:58

It's just phenomenal is You're

1:11:01

doing awesome work man We

1:11:03

share it man. I appreciate it. Thank you

1:11:05

for listening to this week's podcast and thank

1:11:07

you to our patrons who helped make this

1:11:09

episode possible and if you would like to

1:11:11

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1:11:13

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1:11:15

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1:11:29

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1:11:33

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1:11:35

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1:11:42

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1:11:44

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1:11:46

disclaimer guys. This podcast is not for

1:11:48

me It's not replacing for

1:11:50

therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained

1:11:52

professional Do we speak? You