0:00

Hey, it's White Boy Chris. If the Pat-Down's

0:02

ever made you laugh, then join our Patreon

0:04

and support us. Get bonus content, a t-shirt,

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or an autographed copy of Rabbit, Miss Pat's

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Autobiography. Visit misspatcomedy.com for the link to the

0:11

Patreon, and while you're there, join our Facebook

0:13

group. Welcome to another

0:15

episode of the Pat-Down with Chris

0:17

Fagalane and my other co-host, Dion

0:19

Currie. And I've had a bad

0:21

motherfucking day. Did we pay you,

0:23

Barbara? Well, we thank you.

0:25

We thank you. I'm here with... Did, huh?

0:28

I've had a bad fucking day. My

0:31

grandson, J.A., me for fucking suitcase. Where you going? Oh,

0:34

he's gonna go swimming with the dolphins. He wanna make him out

0:36

of suitcase. He said he's trying to

0:38

get away from wet shit. Wet shit. Your

0:41

daddies smell like wet shit. They

0:43

both say they dance like wet shit. Like

0:46

Kia's kids. What

0:49

bad when you're 16 or a kid when we feel like wet shit?

0:54

We'll be right back. We

0:57

better get up, get out, and tune in to this

0:59

podcast. This Pat

1:01

spit the truth, spit the real fact. Nothing

1:04

but the ugly classy at the same

1:06

time. Pat got the flavor, these are

1:08

not your same lines. That's the politics,

1:10

she been on the real grind. It

1:12

could be pretty but ugly at the

1:14

same time. Just tune in, put your

1:16

lock on the spin dial. Ain't no

1:18

need for the weight, and turn it

1:20

up now. What you talking about? It's

1:22

real though. And cut the game,

1:25

you get no play like Nintendo. You

1:27

wait to time, turn it up, nothing but the

1:29

ugly. Straight off the top, everything she say you

1:31

know is funny. Full plans, this

1:33

is taste of the future. Listen on your

1:36

iPhone or your desktop computer. Share it, tweet

1:38

it, ain't no way to beat it. Nothing

1:40

but the ugly, turn it up and go

1:42

on repeat it. Hello?

1:45

Hello, how are you? What up?

1:47

Fucking frustrating stupid ass shit. Ooh,

1:51

what y'all know? Hell no black

1:53

shit. Whenever

1:56

you wear the brown wig, you be

1:58

mean. Yeah, you feel awesome. I've

2:01

heard you're a little weird. I was in kids. I

2:03

stayed the hell away She's

2:06

got a mood wig. I always knew

2:08

my mama will wear her glasses. She's gonna be

2:10

mean as hell See

2:14

I need to take this fucking we got some weekend,

2:16

but it's cute and I can't go mocha but um

2:20

So I would like to start off this episode

2:22

by saying fuck you American Airlines. Fuck

2:24

you to your heart stop beating I

2:27

would say some evil shit, but I don't want to come back

2:29

here like me Let me take

2:31

out what happened worse yet. They put you on a Boeing I'm

2:34

gonna say Fucking to

2:36

your heart stop beating pretty evil So

2:41

I'm in I'm in Memphis right we're performing Memphis

2:43

and I got a fly from Memphis to Charlotte,

2:45

North Carolina Get up at

2:47

4 o'clock in the morning. It's like my teenage Get

2:53

up and fly 4

2:55

o'clock in the morning come by flight into that seat. So I like to get

2:58

that early because I got a lot of bags I get

3:00

there y'all and get on

3:02

a plane. We've got to take off. They said

3:05

hey a light came on So we got to

3:07

turn around Okay, cool right

3:11

Okay, I mean I like that was

3:13

the only motherfucking plane. They put everybody

3:15

off the plane cancel my motherfucker fly

3:17

I had to leave I drove from

3:19

missing to Nashville Mind

3:22

you they didn't I've rented a car at the

3:24

last minute before Wow

3:29

I It's

3:36

a time limit on me to you my motherfucker Wi-Fi She

3:43

put parental control on you Hit

3:45

you with that Wi-Fi nigga Come

3:54

again Wi-Fi so last we heard you were you

3:56

had to rent a car 400

4:00

and then you cut off. $400

4:04

drove all the way in

4:06

a Jeep pilot with

4:08

eight bags and five fat pegs. Who's

4:12

with you? Me, my

4:14

makeup artist, Trent, he a big dude.

4:17

My hairstyle, Mimi, she thick,

4:20

Kiara thick and thin, and I'm thick thick.

4:23

That poor pilot wish y'all flew. On

4:26

the plane and it said, How

4:29

long? It

4:31

was a three hour drive. So we get there,

4:34

we got to push it too. Cause I booked

4:36

the three o'clock flight so we can get in

4:38

at least five 30. So I

4:40

can perform at seven. Oh, wow. Did

4:43

we get there and we delayed 15 minutes? I'm

4:46

like, Lord, what is it that the

4:48

devil is just fucking busy? I

4:52

finally get that. That is all why

4:56

I always watch my pussy

4:58

in the morning because I just know it.

5:00

Like this is going to happen. Yeah. I'll

5:02

clean that underwear. My drawers. I

5:04

mean my drawers. They

5:08

supposed to be clean. We put a boat

5:11

in drawers in my purse and

5:13

I make sure I take a bath that

5:15

morning because just think about if I had

5:17

yesterday and I had to go on stage.

5:19

So I make sure if I take a

5:21

bath and I get up in the morning,

5:23

take a bath again, because I cannot, I

5:26

cannot go on stage with a, with that

5:28

watch the night before. So maybe

5:30

make a long story short. I

5:32

get there and finally get to the gig. I

5:36

got all this shit I've been through. This is not

5:38

hard. I had to work for North Carolina. I

5:40

get there and all the fucking streets is

5:42

blocked off for St. Just

5:45

drunk white people. Every fucking

5:47

way I can't even get

5:49

to the fucking thing. I

5:54

mean, I saw a green shirt

5:56

and red face. The

6:00

leprechaun ain't real. So y'all get y'all

6:02

unlucky asses out the fucking street. Oh,

6:06

I'm so proud of us. I

6:11

was so fucking mad, y'all. I was

6:13

so fucking mad. Finally,

6:16

I get to the Vegas. We rushing.

6:19

They rushing. Everybody took a try. I said,

6:21

y'all, they don't replay the hour of me

6:24

over and over and over, because we were late. The

6:27

gates open and cease. It's

6:31

gone. So what time did you end up getting there?

6:33

On stage. I

6:36

got there at 6 30, 30 minutes before we,

6:38

you know, I had to get dressed. Oh, yeah.

6:40

So I listened to a little extra time.

6:43

I probably got up 30 minutes later, but

6:46

it was, I'm telling you, then

6:48

on top of all of that, y'all. So

6:50

I applied for, I told Jaz

6:52

to email American Express, not

6:55

American Express, American Airline. They

6:57

said, we so sorry for your

6:59

complications. All the things that you

7:01

went through that, you know, with your

7:03

flight and all everything, everything I told them,

7:06

I went through, we truly hope you appreciate

7:08

this $25. Well,

7:12

look, on the bright side, your door

7:14

didn't fall off mid-flight and your way

7:16

didn't fly out the pool. I don't,

7:18

I'm not, all I want you to

7:20

do is give me a gift card. I'm

7:23

never getting back on American Airlines. Fuck you,

7:25

American Airlines. You dirty son of a bitches.

7:28

Let me tell you something. I got my big

7:30

ass on Southwest and

7:33

it was way better because I

7:35

couldn't get on Delta without connecting.

7:37

So that's all I can do. I've

7:41

been stranded in Memphis before because there's some big

7:43

hub there. So let's take a look. Mr.

7:45

FedEx, the FedEx hub. Oh,

7:48

it's the FedEx hub? Okay. And

7:50

I call you right back. I call you right back into the

7:52

hood. What'd you say now? I've

7:56

been stranded in Memphis too, with the

7:58

most annoying politician in America. It was

8:00

the longest weekend of my life. There's nothing

8:03

good about being stuck in Memphis the

8:05

airport sucks What's

8:07

new now the airport is new so I'm

8:10

sitting down sucks on the way back. We

8:12

all flying there. Thank God for Delta We

8:14

all flying Delta y'all be quiet. So

8:16

this white lady stood up She said can you watch my

8:19

bags for me while I go to the bathroom? So

8:21

I'm looking around like all these white people

8:23

here. Why don't you extra only niggas?

8:26

Nick watch your

8:28

motherfucking bag. So that's what

8:30

I'm thinking. Oh Why

8:33

you pick up and I'm not even near you

8:36

I mean she was literally over there and I was

8:38

over here What did you what do you think

8:40

it was? What was the? What

8:43

were you thinking? Was it a setup? She

8:46

racist what? You

8:49

can't steal my bags if you're watching them

8:53

Or was this the police Thomas

8:56

back Out

9:03

of all of these people sitting down here going

9:06

to Atlanta now, why you

9:08

ask? It's not that you look the friendliest

9:12

So let me have you see her there You

9:17

got a good point, sir, I said

9:19

don't worry about that. I said go go

9:22

ma'am I keep on you back. So after

9:24

she immediately left Oh

9:28

quiet After

9:30

she immediately left her husband walks up with her

9:32

son and I said yeah your wife

9:34

been looking for y'all She don't want y'all a he started

9:36

laying so She

9:39

said now and I'm talking to somebody and I said

9:42

that goddamn Joe Biden get on my there. He got

9:44

seen now Binding

9:50

with your Republican friends Well,

9:56

I'm a goddamn I'm a I'm a dollar

9:58

Democrat fuck are

10:00

you like? It's C9 too. I said,

10:03

don't bother. Nobody run up in

10:06

that goddamn capital. So

10:08

Trent said, hey, that's

10:11

my ass. That my makeup order. I said, what he

10:13

said, do you know it is not

10:15

that many of us. You better shut

10:17

your fucking mouth. What

10:20

a fucking to tell clown. Do

10:23

you think the people are going to beat you up? No,

10:25

no, this lady just wanted to go to

10:27

Trump and Biden. I said, woman, now

10:30

one arm ain't no good. Vote for

10:32

old and have dead. Okay. Okay. I

10:34

said, it's going to be an

10:36

interesting race, but I got to vote for Biden.

10:40

I said, cause I don't like people who said I could see the coast.

10:43

At what point did you work in the words, you people?

10:46

I knew you people. I

10:49

didn't give a chance. She shot the phone. It

10:52

was only a matter of time. I could tell you. No,

10:56

her husband turned so pink in the face.

10:59

He couldn't believe that she said that shit out

11:01

loud. He just closed

11:03

his eyes. I

11:07

don't know. I'm still talking.

11:09

I don't want to be

11:12

on pick. How

11:15

many times have I asked you to stop

11:17

talking politics? Oh, and

11:19

she wanted to talk to me. Yeah.

11:22

I said, man, both of them

11:24

are seen now. Okay. Okay.

11:27

Both farmers crazy. Somebody

11:29

was fact checking Trump the other night. I don't

11:31

know who would lie. I don't know the fact

11:34

checker would lie or the fucking truck. Trump

11:37

was saying that he was lying. I

11:42

think it was lie. Tell the truth. It didn't lie

11:44

again. He

11:46

literally has had three different positions on

11:48

TikTok this week alone. They

11:52

should ban it. They need to ban it.

11:55

You know, they shouldn't ban it. No,

11:59

I should have the count. I know how that

12:01

conversation started. So,

12:05

you know, I like TikTok. So the lady was

12:07

listening real hard. I guess she wanted to talk

12:09

to some black folks. So my

12:12

friends say, well, what you gonna do when they

12:14

fan TikTok? And I said, I will go up

12:16

there and shake the shit out of Joe Biden

12:18

like a newborn baby. I'll

12:21

wrap it for me. And she said, as

12:23

you should. And I said,

12:25

hold on, baby. I don't

12:28

think it's that you're black. I think it's

12:30

that you're the most interesting person in the

12:32

airport. Did you consider that? You was talking

12:34

to a fucking Southern Civil War general. He

12:39

was like, shake the president. Fill it

12:41

in, Popo. If

12:43

I heard someone say they were gonna shake Joe

12:45

Biden like a newborn baby, I would never stop

12:47

laughing. He's bad TikTok.

12:50

He gonna get motherfucking ass for me. I

12:52

ain't playing. That'll put all your

12:54

seat knowledge, you running in the building and

12:56

falling down steps. But nigga, you ain't about

12:59

to fuck with TikTok. You

13:01

are not about to fuck with TikTok. I don't

13:03

put up with all that bullshit that you Joe

13:05

Biden. We know you can't see no more. We

13:07

see you walking in circle. They grab you by

13:09

your pinky because they don't wanna grab your whole

13:11

hand and look like you being laid dead. We

13:14

know you got that real Ronald Reagan going

13:16

on right now. Real Ronald Reagan?

13:18

Real Ronald Reagan? We

13:22

know him. He

13:26

got all time at the mid shit and

13:28

he blind. You better leave more

13:30

fucking TikTok alone. You empty

13:32

skull motherfucker. Please

13:36

name this episode the real Ronald

13:38

Reagan. We know what's wrong

13:40

with him. I seen him on the

13:42

news. That man grabbed him by

13:44

his finger because he was just

13:46

standing there. Him and Mitch

13:49

McConnell, both of them going into that

13:51

same world. Did you see, so

13:53

check this out. This is a St. Patrick's Day parade.

13:56

Actually, I'm gonna redo it to make choices. So

13:59

this is a, In Wisconsin, Trump

14:02

float and it's a guy in

14:05

a Joe Biden mask with ice cream just

14:08

wandering around the float. I'm

14:12

Dr. Joe Biden's husband and

14:16

I ate Jerry's ice cream chocolate chip. I

14:19

came down because you heard there was chocolate chip ice cream. By

14:23

the way, I'm a little bit of Joe Biden. They've

14:25

got him in Skechers just sitting there wondering

14:28

around the floor. All right, but

14:31

both of them pieces of shit, both of them

14:33

holding seats. Now, one of

14:35

them is denied racist. One

14:41

of them is a loud racist because you know

14:43

what they say when you go into dementia, you

14:45

go back to the person who you really were. So

14:49

that's who Trump really is. He's just a

14:51

loud mouth motherfucker. That's who he is.

14:54

Racist, he don't womanize, whatever you want to call

14:56

him. That's who he is. He turned it back

14:58

into. All those years,

15:00

Trump was like that, but he never

15:02

talked like that. He

15:06

knew how to hide it. He knew

15:08

how to hide it, but as he doesn't

15:10

got older, I told you nothing. Do

15:15

not disturb. When you get older,

15:17

I'm sorry, K, you got to say that. When

15:22

you get older, you don't give a fuck

15:24

no more. Trump, I don't give a fuck. I fall

15:26

in public. I don't give a fuck. I

15:28

don't give a fuck about nothing. I'm not

15:30

holding my gas. I'm not going to hold my purse.

15:32

I'm not going to call my hair every day. This

15:34

is it. I'm going to put on a fucking hat.

15:36

I'm not going to be all drop dead gorgeous. I

15:38

just cannot do that. I'm

15:41

not stuck in that world where you got to go to the

15:43

grocery store with high heels. I come from a

15:45

world where when a bitch is tired,

15:47

she needs to look tired. Untie. Untie. Is

15:51

that world Walmart? Yeah.

15:53

What world is that? Family

15:58

dollar? But

16:00

I'm not doing anything like I've started

16:02

not to try to treat my skin

16:05

like really put Marcere No

16:08

makeup, but I hate a boy no more

16:10

baby pee Hey,

16:15

I think she lied about that I offered her a

16:17

diaper when she met Matthew and she said I Might

16:25

be the most racist thing. I'm not

16:27

gonna put white baby piss on my

16:29

face Okay,

16:36

I'm a bit new Patricia

16:39

tomorrow I Don't

16:42

want a bra. I'm not gonna put on bra until I

16:44

got something to do and I

16:46

hate a fucking bra My titties are at

16:48

the best when my nipples are swinging

16:50

like knuckles. I

16:52

don't know why he used plural Knuckles

16:58

no Fuck

17:00

you You

17:04

Alabama They're

17:06

calling you racist in the cabbage because they

17:08

say you're a secret bag of man. Oh

17:10

I Mean

17:13

YouTube chats been calling me racist since the beginning

17:15

of this podcast. I don't even read it anymore

17:18

Bag of bad he a bag of bad People

17:22

don't fucking you do it is

17:25

crazy It is crazy if

17:27

you're if you're like people just assume if

17:29

you're from Indiana that you're for Donald Trump

17:32

your MAGA I'm for

17:34

magazine This year cuz none

17:36

of your people is running. I Don't

17:39

know I didn't vote in the primary.

17:41

Oh, no, the primaries

17:43

coming up. I don't know what I'm gonna do

17:47

It ain't gonna matter yeah Don't

17:50

you and I vote don't count here if

17:52

this the libertarian sucks. I'm not gonna vote

17:54

for them It

17:57

ain't no limit area. There'll be a

17:59

libertarian here in Indiana anyways. A

18:02

limotarian. The

18:04

guy that might win is from Atlanta. And

18:07

so. A limotarian. It'd be chauffeur and his

18:09

ass to the pole. There's

18:11

one guy from Atlanta that's running and.

18:13

Nobody want to hear shit about no motherfucking limotarian. But

18:15

they keep asking me, Hey, will you get him? Can

18:17

you get him on the Pat down? I go, no,

18:22

that barely has me on the Pat down. I

18:26

don't want to hear that motherfucking peanut cracker shit. Is

18:30

he still alive? Yeah. Yeah. He

18:32

is. He fighting God. That

18:41

grand people. He's

18:43

in his closet right now. And it's like, wait a minute, you gonna

18:45

go home with that shit? I

18:50

got another house to build, motherfucker. I

18:54

like Jim. I only think he know he alive. He

18:58

thinks he's going to be

19:00

that old. Hey,

19:11

you know the fuck that part about getting old as

19:13

a man, you 90 and your dick

19:16

just become something that's in your drawers. I

19:21

think he could still be out of it. I

19:23

don't think so. And 90

19:25

yards of meat. Where you thinking come from? Can

19:34

you imagine how long our balls are going to be at 90 Dion? I'm

19:36

not living that long. For

19:40

what? If

19:44

you get a bitch and can solve, she can always keep your

19:46

nuts in your arms. So my number I'm pit. I

19:49

was seeing saw make up to the, to the,

19:51

to the, to the, what is it called? A

19:53

Hank? And my balls and my. tank.

20:01

What is it called? The tank yank?

20:03

The tank. The chode, the gooch. No.

20:06

I like the hank

20:11

better. If this is your dick

20:13

and your nuts in here, what

20:15

is that called? A yank? It's

20:18

a yank. It's just the penis goes

20:20

into the balls. I don't think there's a transitional piece

20:23

of the body. The berry

20:25

cheater. The

20:27

berry cheater. Okay. You just

20:30

got itch. So, what

20:34

is it called? The thrush or

20:36

something? I

20:38

don't know, but keep rubbing your finger like that. Make

20:40

me laugh. What

20:43

is the chode? I'm telling you. Look,

20:46

that's your penis. What is

20:48

it called? The berry? The

20:50

shaft. That's what it's called. That's the

20:52

penis. No,

20:55

it's just the shaft.

20:57

I'm rubbing your finger.

21:00

Scraping me out. Hey,

21:03

there's a shaft. Yeah, yeah,

21:05

right. I'm

21:09

on roll. No, it's just so

21:11

silly. It's like you're from Michigan,

21:14

pointing your hand. These are your

21:16

balls. You can throw your balls back up

21:18

to your shaft. I don't have extra shaft.

21:25

I can't do that. Girls like

21:27

it when your balls slap them on the booty. Yep.

21:29

I'm fine.

21:32

I'm serious. What'd you say?

21:35

You're trying to find out

21:37

who's going to tell me that could

21:39

be sold back up. No, I'm telling

21:41

you, they live just 90 and they

21:44

get a girl can sell. They can

21:46

sell the ball sack back up to

21:48

the shaft so it'll look younger. Take

21:50

the gray hair off of it. That's a

21:53

little ball list. Nobody's looking at that anyways.

21:55

Yeah. I won't respect any woman who will

21:57

fuck me when I'm 90. Get

22:01

your ass off me, you

22:03

disrespectful bitch. I'm

22:06

90 years old. Have you no self respect? Where

22:09

your daddy at? Not

22:11

gonna remember anyway. I gotta

22:13

go over here. So,

22:17

that's how my day went, y'all. It was very fucked

22:19

up. How was

22:21

it? No more American Airlines? No

22:23

more American Airlines. No more chefs. None

22:26

of that shit. Did the shows go okay? It

22:30

wasn't wonderful. Thank you Memphis for fucking,

22:32

uh, 3,100 people. Just

22:35

a few tickets. Thank you, um,

22:38

um, that was Memphis. Thank

22:40

you Charlotte, North Carolina, which it was

22:42

really slow. And it just

22:45

picked up out of nowhere. You know, over

22:47

a thousand people were there. Not

22:49

only that, I probably would have sold out

22:51

here that fucking parade. Now I've been there

22:54

blocking all the goddamn traffic. It

22:57

was wonderful. Thank you, thank you. I'm headed, um,

23:00

I'm headed to Naples off

23:02

the Hook Comedy Club. So

23:05

make sure y'all get y'all tickets to come see me

23:07

and go to misspackcomedy.com. I

23:10

will be in LA. I will be

23:12

in LA for the Netflix as a joke. Again,

23:15

the ticket at misspackcomedy.com.

23:18

My husband's back is out again. I don't know

23:20

what happened. Fucking with them

23:22

big ass dogs? Oh, my husband's

23:24

fart is so bad last night. I

23:27

woke up swinging. Back

23:29

out from gas? So,

23:32

he farted so bad, y'all. He

23:36

gotta go to the doctor. I'm telling you, if

23:38

something chemicals in it, it would not move out

23:40

the air. It's,

23:42

it's, it's that... Right now! It's,

23:46

it's all the, it was Zintek, I bet.

23:49

Who call it Ray? What

23:52

you got? It's Zintek, I bet. I wonder

23:54

if it makes you farty. You,

23:56

oh, oh, my God. It is so

23:58

bad. It is so bad. so bad they go down

24:01

your nose through your mouth you could taste it

24:03

in your ears. I sleep, shit got

24:05

to stop. I've been sleeping in a

24:07

chair because it don't move it's

24:10

thick too. It's thick like.

24:13

I know I got those farts today. It's not

24:15

like a white gas. I know

24:17

it's thick. It would not fucking

24:19

move. When I tell you it would not fucking

24:21

move it would not fucking

24:24

move at all. Fart

24:26

smokes for breeze. I

24:28

hate those farts. And

24:32

you're lucky to not be married because I get

24:35

self-conscious about those. So I'll

24:38

like lean over pull the covers. But

24:41

it don't smell. It just air. I

24:44

stick my ass out of the covers. I

24:46

fart all the time. People never hear it or

24:48

smell it. Speaking of

24:51

farty pants. I don't blur any

24:54

folks. Because that's how you look. You're

24:56

a green fit. God I

24:58

can't. You just smell like wet shit. Shit.

25:05

It's me. What?

25:09

It smells different than

25:11

dress shit. It smells like a

25:13

human shit. It

25:19

just so dealt my love. It smells

25:21

like a wet shit. He

25:23

hates his ass. Yeah

25:27

take the keys. I'll bring them home. Why Jell

25:29

I gotta get out of here. I got some more river to run. I

25:31

love you guys. We

25:33

love y'all. We love

25:35

y'all. This

25:39

one wants a lot of weed. Oh hey.

25:44

You still on the zippet? I never was

25:46

on it. I just actually talked to my doctor

25:48

about it. We decided not to do it. What's

25:50

going on Chris? I've

25:52

just been working out. Working

25:55

out? Yeah. It's called exercise. I

25:58

said fool's down. You

26:02

said money Lou way every day, but she wasn't taking shots. I'm

26:04

gonna give me no shot You

26:06

do need Lou way. Well, give me some shot. I'm

26:08

gonna get shot Let

26:22

me smell like when she Hey,

26:24

don't tell them get the fuck up

26:26

me motherfucker Like

26:34

where she His

26:42

son who's five You're

26:45

there like where shit Do

26:49

I need to read that real quick yeah first

26:51

say goodbye and then listen yeah We

26:54

got a I job make sure you

26:56

go to miss back on me calm for all the

26:58

ticket and thank you I was the most attuned into

27:00

another damn up Thank y'all so much for tuning in

27:02

to another episode of the pat down Make

27:04

sure you check out my website at miss

27:07

pat comedy calm for all of my social

27:09

media my tour dates my book Make

27:11

sure you spread the word about my

27:14

podcast. Please rate every view. Please

27:16

rate every view and share