0:00

Welcome to the sixth annual!

0:02

Stuff Is Christmas Special. Jolie

0:15

Tomboy little more name

0:18

is Bob is Laurie

0:20

Moore whole know how

0:22

I. Learned

0:25

Ten Murray's Britain and stuff

0:28

the be this go throw

0:30

about the not be is

0:32

that was the year. When

0:35

he. Arrived

0:38

and the. Once

0:44

a year we take a break

0:46

from books and interviews and are

0:48

standard think he fun time and

0:51

instead marinate ourselves in the holiday

0:53

spirit in the form of a

0:55

variety show underwritten by this programs

0:57

oldest and dearest sponsor, Snuff the

0:59

of Route Forty Four, a diner

1:02

where the waiters and waitresses take

1:04

your order and deliver it to

1:06

you on horseback. And.

1:08

It's not too late to see

1:10

Snuff these famous negativity scene which

1:13

will remain in front of the

1:15

diner through Boxing Day. All of

1:17

the actors will also be on

1:19

horseback: Mary, Joseph, the Angel, Gabriel,

1:21

the Three Wise Men. oh welcome

1:23

the Christ Child while seated on

1:25

forces, even the baby Jesus is

1:27

safely swaddled on top of the

1:30

Shetland Pony. Was

1:32

also a guy in a

1:34

donkey costume who is writing

1:36

a donkey. Which.

1:40

I'm confused by. Like I get

1:42

that it's a horse the diner.

1:44

so you want to perform the

1:46

nativity on horseback? All right, that's

1:48

branding. inject some novelty into the

1:51

negativity. Kudos. And I understand why

1:53

you'd have a donkey around because

1:55

it's all set at a stable.

1:57

Donkey cows, maybe some chickens that.

2:00

Up the bit which confuses me is why

2:02

you put a guy in a donkey costume.

2:05

And then have him right. A dog

2:07

that's too much don't see. If

2:09

anything, you should just have the guy the donkey costume

2:12

stand next to the real donkey at the friends but

2:14

one of them learn to walk. With

2:17

aggress. We very much

2:19

appreciate. Snuff is sponsoring this

2:22

year's Christmas special, which includes

2:24

sketch comedy, original music, a

2:26

beloved British actor, and also

2:29

quite a lot of choice

2:31

language and a colorful dollars

2:33

of borderline problematic center parents.

2:36

Just trust me on the

2:38

adult content. Okay, like if

2:40

you have kids in high

2:42

school, they're probably phone. I

2:45

can't fathom that the party

2:47

or elements. Of this year's program

2:49

or it's occasional F bomb are

2:51

going to irreparably damaged or teenager

2:53

any more than tic toc and

2:55

beeping already have. Could

2:58

maybe damage Tweens or whatever

3:00

is younger than Tweens pupa.

3:02

Maybe not have them listen

3:04

to it. Also, people my

3:06

age who dabble in recreational

3:08

outrage. Taken me. It's

3:11

funny, but there are some choice

3:13

words. It's definitely racy by the

3:15

standards of this other. one is

3:17

a bright side by the say.

3:19

Then that said, I

3:21

think you're going to enjoy it

3:23

so thick that pour yourself a

3:26

tall glass Of course not and

3:28

enjoy the sixth annual Se Christmas

3:30

special. Wow.

3:35

When you take a look at all those presents

3:38

under the tree, we. Are as very fortunate family

3:40

and not just because of all the kids

3:42

because the yet to be together as a

3:44

family. I'm just grateful on Edith

3:46

didn't bring your Christmas fruitcakes. Ah,

3:50

Well, I don't miss that fruitcake, but I

3:52

do wish she could be here to see

3:55

what chat Cpt got for Christmas this year.

3:57

Frankly, I'm. A bit skeptical of letting a.

4:00

Our Christmas presents, a computer, How

4:02

can a computer do a better job than us?

4:05

Out and Obama. A eyes getting

4:07

pretty sophisticated these days. Chat gp tease

4:09

Gone through all of our google search

4:11

histories and credit card purchases to select

4:13

the best presents for everybody. He could

4:15

be a game. Changer Well I'm

4:17

not holding my breath. Dad

4:20

here's one for you from

4:22

me. It's. It's a book. The.

4:25

Higher Road. How to reconcile with

4:28

loss family. Well that's clearly be

4:30

a I Miss fire. Were all

4:32

right here. I. Haven't

4:35

spoken to my brother and twenty

4:37

years use a brother We have

4:39

an uncle estranged. But yes, Maybe.

4:42

It's time. I looked gorgeous. Maybe.

4:44

It's time. We. Were a whole

4:46

family again. Wow. Chatty

4:48

Be t really did a deep thought on

4:51

that one sorry first try and ai as

4:53

knocking gift giving out of the park. Mom.

4:55

It's your turn. Ah,

4:59

it's an easel in an oil

5:01

painting tests. You don't paint. Oh,

5:04

she used to. Your. Mom is

5:06

a very talented artist. I. Dropped out of

5:08

art school that I was pregnant. with. You

5:10

Ten! I used to love to paint. This

5:12

is amazing. Chats U P T is

5:14

getting us the stuff we once it's getting us

5:16

the stuff we really once but didn't we did.

5:19

Okay, Marty, your turn. Oh boy

5:21

oh boy. I hope I want

5:24

a Cuisinarts. What?

5:27

Is it? Mine

5:31

songs. Ah,

5:36

Is it the mind com site Hitler

5:38

or some other my and clones? Oh,

5:40

it's a Hitler one. Why would. A

5:43

I give me a Nazi book. Over

5:45

the algorithm come up with that. Weldon.

5:48

Not are going to be bozize right

5:50

sons. It must be because I watched

5:52

so many history videos on Youtube. I'll

5:54

bet that that what did you get

5:56

him at those things Go on auto

5:58

play. You know, like what time. I clicked

6:00

on an Alex Jones video just to see what it

6:02

was like, because I'm open-minded. And also,

6:04

he's very anti-Nazi. Crazy, yeah,

6:06

maybe. Interesting, but you know, crazy.

6:09

Definitely anti-Nazi. Anyway, he just kept on

6:11

auto-playing, and that's probably, it's probably something

6:13

like this, is what I'm saying. Looks

6:18

like I got a book, too. Ha ha

6:20

ha! Maybe you'll have Stalin's autobiography,

6:22

right, Tim? Because chat GPT is

6:24

glitching and giving us all weird books, you know?

6:29

How to raise a puppy. Wow,

6:32

that is amazing. You know, I don't

6:34

think I've even googled anything about dogs,

6:36

but I really want one. That

6:39

algorithm must really, really have

6:41

all of us nailed down.

6:44

If it could figure out I'm going

6:46

to the shelter next week just by

6:48

analyzing unrelated ancillary searches. Well,

6:50

I mean, dogs are pretty

6:52

popular, you know? And you're

6:54

probably the age where people get dogs. It's just

6:57

a lucky guess. Shot in the dark.

6:59

Seems pretty spot on. What are you gonna get, a turtle? You're

7:01

gonna get a cat or a dog? It's

7:03

a 50% chance, Tim. Here's another one for

7:05

you, Marty. Looks like another book. What

7:09

is it? Mein

7:12

Kampf. The collector's

7:14

edition. Ah, must

7:16

have an extra chapter or something. Wow,

7:20

a do-it-yourself watch kit! A

7:23

group on for skydiving lessons! What

7:25

if the AI knows something I don't? It

7:28

doesn't. Guys, what if I

7:31

really am a Nazi? You're

7:33

not a Nazi. You said the

7:35

algorithm knew everybody well, Tim. It

7:38

knew everybody better than they know themselves. Is

7:40

there some part of me that's just horrible

7:42

that I don't even know about? Just some

7:44

deep evil? Marty, Marty,

7:46

you are overthinking this.

7:49

Yeah, Marty, don't let it get to you. Here,

7:51

there's one more present for you. A

7:53

book? Just open it, Marty.

7:55

Absolutely not. It's just a book. What

7:57

if it's another Mein Kampf? The

8:00

him. Highly unlikely that you

8:02

would get three copies of mine. com.

8:04

And God. Zeb

8:09

Rail, Yes,

8:14

About light. It.

8:16

Doesn't matter, Marty. You don't

8:19

need to am I? A.

8:21

Blind. Nazis.

8:24

Blinds, Honey, you're obviously not blinds or

8:26

so I think. How many fingers am

8:28

I holding up for? But that to

8:30

just be the bigotry talking here. Marty,

8:33

Why don't you just have my book

8:35

about puppies and I'll take your. Braille.

8:38

Books were make you feel better.

8:41

I love you all Family The clearly.

8:45

I've lost soul searching to do. There's

8:47

a darkness and be that needs to be sorted

8:49

out and for that reason. I

8:51

must leave you. Maybe someday we'll meet

8:53

again when have a better person. A

8:56

person. Who is not blind? Is

9:01

twenty seven degrees outside? Goodbye

9:03

everyone! Could buy.

9:17

Wow. Marty almost immediately rear

9:19

ended into Mister Cunningham's Lexus.

9:21

Maybe see his. Blinds.

9:24

Well. Though, have self driving cars soon enough.

9:27

Weight. Since when is Marty know braille?

9:40

Allow. I'm Michael. stories

9:43

i was flying ebenezer scrooge in

9:46

a movie business missteps i had

9:48

spent thirty years since i see

9:50

it is wonderful film and i

9:53

couldn't be more pleased with how

9:55

it turned out of that oh

9:57

i would turned out his very

10:00

different than how we thought it would. To

10:02

start with, it wasn't supposed to have

10:04

any puppets. It was just going to

10:06

be a regular production of A Christmas

10:08

Carol. The director originally

10:11

wanted to cast Anthony Hopkins, who is

10:13

a personal friend of mine and a

10:15

very talented actor in his own right,

10:17

to play the role of Bob Crutchie.

10:20

But Anthony agreed to the part only

10:23

if his character got to carry

10:25

a gun at all times and

10:27

also he got a sex scene.

10:30

I was excited at the prospect of

10:33

working alongside Anthony Hopkins, but I was

10:35

also a lot younger back then and

10:37

not yet secure as an actor.

10:39

So when I found out that Anthony

10:42

got to have a gun and

10:44

a sex scene, I got really jealous

10:46

and threatened to quit unless I also

10:48

got to have a gun and

10:50

a sex scene. In

10:52

order to afford to buy

10:55

us a second gun, the

10:57

production had to cut costs.

10:59

So the director, Brian Hinson,

11:01

cut the ghosts of Christmas

11:03

past, present and future and

11:05

replaced them with a single

11:07

character named Spokehead, the Advent

11:09

Goblin. But soon enough,

11:11

we ran into more budget troubles. The

11:14

production had to cut Jacob Marley from

11:16

the script in order to free up

11:18

funds to hire prostitutes for our sex

11:21

scenes. Marley's lines

11:23

were given to Spokehead, the

11:25

Advent Goblin. Fortunately, the increasingly

11:27

crucial role of Spokehead was

11:30

played by none other than

11:32

the legendary actor Sir Addick

11:34

Guinness in what would have

11:36

been his final film. Needless

11:40

to say, Anthony and I were

11:42

delighted to work alongside this master

11:44

of stage and film. Yes, it

11:46

seemed at last that Christmas Carol

11:48

was coming together, but it

11:50

was not to last. Halfway

11:53

through filming, Anthony Hopkins decided he

11:55

didn't want to play Bob Cratchit.

11:57

He wanted to play... Dracula."

12:01

I was livid. "'Anthony,'

12:03

I said, "'War? Would

12:06

Dracula need a gun? It doesn't make

12:08

any sense." Fortunately,

12:11

the director agreed with me and

12:13

refused to recast Anthony as a

12:15

Dracula. So Anthony continued

12:17

to play Bob Cratchit, but he

12:20

also started wearing a cape and

12:22

talking in a Russian accent. And

12:24

deep down we all knew he

12:27

was secretly playing Cratchit as a

12:29

vampire. I don't need

12:31

to tell you what happened next. Alec

12:34

Guinness demanded that he also got to

12:36

have a gun and his sex scene,

12:39

and he insisted that because he

12:41

was older than us he got

12:43

a slightly larger gun and his

12:45

sex scene prostitute be hotter than

12:48

ours. Halfway

12:50

through the production we began to

12:52

seriously worry about the overall veracity

12:54

of the film. A

12:56

guy who played fizzy-wig kept

12:58

getting drunk and accidentally calling

13:01

me Sherlock instead of Scrooge,

13:03

and in between scenes somebody kept

13:06

lighting tiny Tim's crutches on fire

13:08

as a practical joke. Plus,

13:11

half of our audio was unusable because

13:14

whenever Alec Guinness wasn't on camera, they

13:16

would hang out in the parking lot

13:18

and use his gun to blast away

13:20

at pigeons for all beer bottles he

13:23

found in the dumpster. The

13:25

director was ready to throw in the

13:27

towel. It was a

13:29

valiant effort, they said trying not

13:32

to cry. But it's time to

13:34

admit defeat. We'll be lucky to

13:36

scrape fifteen minutes of usable footage

13:39

together from this train wreck. That's

13:42

when Alec Guinness, who

13:45

was truly a master of

13:47

his craft, saved the

13:49

day. Ryan, he said,

13:51

why don't you just put in

13:53

a bunch of stupid fucking puppets

13:55

or something? Back on Star Wars,

13:57

I kept shooting the guy. who

14:00

played Yoda like five or six

14:02

times. Eventually George Lucas got so

14:04

fed up with recasting Yoda that

14:06

he just replaced the human actors

14:08

with a green cat puppet and

14:11

ordered Frank Oz to put his

14:13

hand up his ass and make

14:15

a funny voice. It actually worked

14:17

out really well. You see, to

14:19

benefit the puppets is you can

14:22

always dub them over, and if

14:24

you accidentally shoot them, you can

14:26

just take some felt over the

14:28

bullet holes, which idiot audiences

14:30

are too gullible and too stupid

14:33

to notice. So just stuff a

14:35

velvet toad into a topat, and

14:37

if you're still worried, toss in

14:39

a slutty pig. Audiences

14:42

are morons, and they love puppets,

14:44

and they love slutty pigs. Then

14:46

maybe steal some old drinking songs

14:48

and shoehorn in a bunch of

14:51

drivel about the spirit of Christmas.

14:53

Idiots will be too spellstruck to

14:56

even notice all the snow in

14:58

this entire stupid film is just

15:00

a pile of asbestos. Then

15:03

he bowed majestically and excused

15:06

himself to the parking lot

15:08

to shoot at brake lights.

15:11

So that's exactly what we did.

15:13

We replaced all the actors, except

15:15

for me, with puppets. And

15:18

even though on set the

15:20

puppeteers mostly just chain-smoked and

15:22

amused each other by inventing

15:25

racial epithets, Frank Oz dubbed

15:27

over every single character. Once

15:30

we promised him a sexy, and

15:32

we piped in some singing, which we

15:34

could do, because puppet heads are all

15:37

flapping and nobody can tell they were

15:39

actually swearing like seniors and top calling

15:41

Helen Mary. Know

15:44

what? A Muppet Christmas

15:46

Carol. I taste all hearts. They

15:48

came. A clap. With a thankful heart

15:50

that is wide awake, I do make this promise every

15:52

breath I take And

16:02

you beg you

16:04

to share my

16:06

days with a

16:08

loving guarantee, even

16:11

if we pass. I

16:13

will hold you close in a

16:15

thankful heart. I

16:18

will hold you close in

16:20

a thankful heart.

16:27

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding

16:30

in the field, keep and watch over their flock

16:32

by night. And lo, the

16:34

angel of the Lord came upon them, and

16:36

the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and

16:39

they were so afraid. Yeah! Go

16:41

Jesus! You got this baby

16:43

Jesus! Listen, whilst

16:46

I appreciate your enthusiasm, let us

16:48

not mar the tranquility of the

16:50

service with shouting. And

16:53

the angel... How come black people get to

16:55

shout during their stuff? What? Like

16:57

in black people's church, they get to shout, Hallelujah!

17:00

Praise Jesus! Go Tigers and

17:02

stuff! Yeah! That's not...

17:05

It's not how... If you want

17:07

to say Hallelujah, that's okay. We

17:09

are of course celebrating the birth of

17:12

our Savior, but please be mindful that

17:14

this is a gentle, candlelit service. Just

17:17

say Hallelujah quietly, please. Hallelujah!

17:19

Praise Jesus. And the angel

17:21

said unto them, Fear not, for

17:23

behold, I bring you good tidings of great

17:25

joy, which shall be to all people. Let's

17:29

go, angels! Let's

17:32

go, angels! We're number one!

17:35

We're number one! You do

17:38

suck! Yeah! My

17:41

sons! This is not a football game. This is a

17:43

Christmas Eve service. Please contain your

17:45

enthusiasm, or I'll have to ask you to

17:47

leave. Sorry. Hallelujah! Go

17:50

Tigers! For unto you is

17:52

born this day in the city of David a

17:54

Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And

17:56

this shall be a sign unto you, ye

17:58

shall find the day... in swaddling clothes,

18:01

crying at an angel. He's

18:03

not funny. You're not funny!

18:05

This evening is boring! I'm not reading

18:07

a sermon, I'm reading the words of God! Calm

18:10

down! Um... Let

18:13

us pray. In the name of the

18:15

Father of the Son and the... No! You

18:18

cannot make the same of the cross with a

18:20

giant full finger! Why not? Isn't it just making

18:22

a bigger cross? No! What? Technically,

18:25

what is inappropriate? Do the partner Jesus

18:27

comes back from the dead! He's feasting

18:29

with a couple of food from us.

18:31

Also, we don't take the cross and

18:33

change it. Maybe even when your Jesus

18:35

comes back to the police force to

18:37

fight crime as a robot! This

18:39

robot can't! Fine! Then skip past

18:41

the boring baby stuff to the

18:43

episode where they hang him! Hey!

18:45

Spoilers! They don't hang Jesus! Alright!

18:49

Listen. This is a Christmas

18:51

Eve service. You are not to have a

18:53

dialogue with me. We, as a congregation,

18:55

are having a dialogue with God. Through

18:57

song and prayer. Skip

19:00

to Easter! Yeah! Do Easter!

19:02

We're not doing Easter! We're

19:04

celebrating Christmas! Easter! Easter!

19:09

No! Easter! Easter!

19:11

Easter! Easter! Easter!

19:14

Easter! Hello

19:17

everyone! It's me, Bishop George. This is

19:19

highly irregular, but I think the congregation

19:21

has made its position clear. So I'm

19:23

going to excuse Father Peter from duties

19:25

this evening, and we're going to bring

19:28

back his warm-up act, Subdeacon John. John?

19:30

Oh! This guy's the best! Hey!

19:32

So the thing I want to know about

19:34

Easter is, why do we have to pick

19:37

up all these things? That's right!

19:39

Yeah! Mariah, Peter, and I. That's

19:41

right! Hey

19:59

there, Chris. Merry Christmas, little buddy.

20:01

Hey, Uncle Heaton. You look like something's

20:03

troubling you. You okay? Well...

20:07

I did have a question. Sure,

20:09

what is it? I was kind of concerned

20:11

because... Well, you know how you told me... ...about

20:14

Cedric the Christmas Horse... ...defending all

20:16

of our properties against Christmas burglaries?

20:18

That's right. We put hay underneath the tree

20:21

for Cedric to eat... ...and we put a

20:23

horseshoe on the mantle for him to replace

20:25

the horseshoes when he wears them out... ...pummeling

20:27

burglars with his big giant hooves. Wow! Cedric

20:29

the Christmas Horse defends the gifts beneath your

20:32

tree... ...and some

20:34

of the mall vendors from shoplifters. He protects

20:36

our gifts at Christmas. Yeah, I

20:38

get that. But if Cedric

20:41

the Christmas Horse... ...is spending

20:44

his whole evening protecting... ...all

20:46

of our properties from Christmas

20:48

burglaries... ...who's defending

20:50

the North Pole in Santa from

20:52

Kaiju? Kaiju? Godzilla.

20:56

Godzilla? Oh,

20:58

I just didn't know the word Kaiju. Yeah,

21:00

Godzilla wants to fuck up the North Pole.

21:02

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mothra, King

21:04

Kong, the monster from Cloverfield Lane, that kind

21:06

of thing, Oldrifana? Yeah! They fucking

21:09

hate Santa. Snap his head

21:11

right off. Oh, they'd love nothing

21:13

more. But, Chris, I don't want you

21:15

to spend your entire holiday just worrying

21:17

about Kaiju... ...murdering Santa and eating all

21:19

the elves and Mrs. Claus and stuff.

21:21

You should be... ...worrying about

21:23

the debt... ...and the Social Security

21:26

Trust Fund. Ah! But as far as Godzilla

21:28

and the Kaiju go... ...well, I

21:31

think you're old enough to learn that... ...Sedric

21:34

has a helper. And to explain

21:36

it to you... I have hired a lonesome.

21:43

Who gives his safe

21:45

beneath the tree... ...from

21:49

wanton theft and

21:51

burglary? Cedric

21:55

guards the property of

21:58

sleeping folk like you. And me,

22:01

so rest my child

22:03

beneath these roofs Protected

22:05

by his yuletide hooves.

22:10

But Christmas has its

22:12

many foes

22:16

Who want to lay the

22:18

North Pole alone. Giant

22:23

apes and godless lizards With

22:25

hearts of ice and souls

22:27

of lizards These kaiju hate

22:30

all of our laws And

22:32

want to murder Santa Claus.

22:34

Ho ho ho! If

22:37

they triumph, all will pay When

22:39

darkness swallows Christmas Day. Who can

22:41

we hope to come and save

22:43

us? Who can we hope to

22:46

deepen Christmas? Meta-Sedric.

22:49

Meta-Sedric? Meta-Sedric,

22:53

Meta-Sedric, Meta-Sedric,

22:56

Meta-Sedric. Whenever

23:04

Christmas has to say, Our

23:07

mechanical heroes are as weak. Godzilla

23:10

walking through the castle as it

23:12

was, co-fear ab to

23:27

the eye

23:42

to the

23:50

the the the

23:53

the the Look

24:00

a show to The Theme

24:02

of The Donuts The

24:08

Wiener Aberinder or Digging

24:10

sounds Daddy.

24:14

don't die. like me Screaming

24:21

prevents

24:25

the sound of Snake Hello

24:50

Tom Snuffhouser here owner operator

24:52

and chief bottle washer at

24:54

Snuffies off Route 44. This

24:57

Christmas we invite you to Snuffies to

24:59

enjoy the holidays at your favorite horse

25:01

themed diner. Try our

25:03

famous seasonal reindeer burger with jingleberry

25:06

sauce or our award-winning

25:08

deep-fried tursticle. Wash it

25:10

all down with a stein of horse nog.

25:13

Feeling adventurous? Enjoy our new buttercream

25:15

peppermint lobster rolls served over a

25:18

bed of seasoned pony fries with

25:20

a side of three cheese crouton

25:22

salad. Snuffies promises

25:25

good food, reasonable prices and

25:27

fun times and there's no

25:29

better time than Snuffies annual

25:31

Christmas parade. Snuffies inaugural

25:33

Christmas parade took place in 1962

25:37

featuring a tractor, a county fish and

25:39

wildlife service vehicle and a dump truck

25:41

with a wreath on the front. The

25:44

following Christmas the parade unexpectedly doubled

25:46

in size when a funeral cavalcade

25:48

got disoriented and accidentally joined the

25:50

train of vehicles and ever

25:52

since Snuffies Christmas parade

25:54

has been a beloved annual fixture

25:57

with the exception of when

26:00

we reluctantly suspended events due

26:03

to a mass prison breakout and

26:05

Kent County-wide manhunt. Not

26:07

to worry, most of those escaped

26:09

inmates have subsequently been captured or

26:11

exonerated. In any case, Snuffy's

26:14

Christmas Parade came back the following

26:16

year in full force. Yes,

26:18

we were excited to resume our parade

26:21

with its dozens of antique convertibles with

26:23

stately horses in the back, but

26:25

more than ever we wanted to make the parade

26:28

special for the community. We knew

26:30

that our little diner's holiday cavalcade probably

26:32

wouldn't be the biggest or grandest or

26:34

longest in the country, but

26:36

we thought if we tried hard enough by golly

26:39

we could make it the widest. We

26:41

mandated that all floats have a minimum

26:43

width of 35 feet and our participants

26:45

rose to the occasion. Every

26:48

float spanned at least three lanes

26:50

of traffic and several extended well

26:52

over the sidewalk, often scraping off

26:54

store awnings and mailboxes. Yes,

26:56

the resumed Snuffy's Christmas Parade exceeded

26:58

all expectations and left behind a

27:01

beautiful winter wonderland after all the

27:03

water froze from the six fire

27:05

hydrants we dislodged. If

27:08

you can believe it, the parade just keeps

27:10

getting wider in no small

27:12

part thanks to the fierce, congenial

27:14

competition over our coveted, widest parade

27:16

float award. Last year's

27:18

winner was Randy's vintage wheat thresher

27:21

repair company, the girth of

27:23

which was so robust it was unable to

27:25

pass between the Credit Union and the Methodist

27:27

Church and remained firmly wedged

27:29

between them for three weeks until the

27:31

National Guard disassembled. I'm

27:34

so proud of our parade that I framed

27:36

and hung in my office the notice of

27:38

official censure sent last year by the governor

27:40

himself. This summer when the

27:43

guy who played the president on NCIS

27:45

Miami came to Snuffy's for some calf

27:47

fries, I asked him to sign it

27:49

too. I love this country.

27:52

And if you love good food of reasonable

27:54

prizes, come on down to Snuffy's. Snuffy's

27:57

off Route 44 where we put

27:59

the Christ. Hundred

30:00

and flexible so I don't. I don't think

30:02

we would require that you can convert which

30:04

would be great big you don't have to

30:06

and you would be welcome absolutely in our

30:08

family. and you would be very welcome in

30:10

the synagogue. Either way, Ah, all out Ssh.

30:14

I feel silly. I I I

30:16

hope I didn't offend you. Not

30:18

at all. No no it's it's

30:20

funny. If it is funny it's

30:22

our little learn less yes these

30:24

questions it's one of the put

30:26

some he was over. They even

30:28

things that a. Rabbi. Was going

30:31

a badger me into an unwanted genital

30:33

surgery on my penis? Etc

30:37

was going to slip barbiturates in the

30:39

my side are some in an. Anti

30:41

me down off and land and and

30:43

and and use like us are rated

30:45

at saw the to slice of little

30:48

busy my seen as I would know.

30:50

Semicircle and was my for

30:52

skin of my slaves. It's

30:54

ridiculous the a year of

30:57

it's pretty funny Trevor. As

30:59

an account manager at Bridgewater

31:01

Associates. Harrys. And see.

31:03

Okay sounds more prestigious limited as

31:05

it's I mostly just the middle

31:07

management paper pusher. but you serious

31:09

as the your professors. And rights.

31:11

Uma, Yes I am. I'm a professor

31:14

of English, isn't She's. A very

31:16

accomplished ancestors. Are you wearing a

31:18

codpiece? Listen. Trevor.

31:20

It. Looks. Like you are wearing

31:22

a cop. Oh. Yes I

31:25

yes I am. I was playing

31:27

pickle ball earlier. Whatever is very

31:29

athletic. You flew here from Madison

31:31

direct flight as Wisconsin see you

31:34

were a protective cup from the

31:36

from pickle ball. Over

31:38

your genitals under your pants through the airport

31:40

security which did not make you take it

31:43

off. And then you word on the

31:45

plane, forgot about it on the plane, got off

31:47

the plane, came to our house right? Yeah, I

31:49

guess I just forgot to take it off into.

31:51

Had you been weird I've I've just heard a

31:53

sari saris are. So many of our

31:55

friends are playing pickle ball these days. It's

31:57

like the only. Way to to build a social

31:59

group. No

34:00

one wants to cut off your foreskin

34:02

and you're being crazy dad. You are

34:05

being super weird empty

34:07

your Pockets

34:11

sir empty your

34:14

pockets dad. This is madness

34:16

Trevor. I am so sorry Mr.

34:18

Cohen, I think that we got off on the wrong

34:20

foot and I Blame

34:22

myself It's about 7 30

34:25

p.m. Why don't we all go to bed and we'll get to

34:27

know each other in the morning after a good night's sleep I'm

34:30

not trying to cut off your foreskin.

34:32

This is insane. Look, I'll take

34:35

off Trevor's jacket. Hey, sir, please don't it

34:37

is cold in here See if there's nothing in

34:39

it My letter

34:41

opener my scissors and my cigar

34:44

cutter Trevor the can opener Okay,

34:49

just to be a hundred percent

34:51

clear on this you promise nobody

34:53

wants to cut off part of

34:56

my Penis

34:58

no Okay. Well, that's

35:00

the last time I learned about religion on Microsoft

35:02

Bing Thanks

35:15

for being here rich, I know

35:17

you didn't plan to spend your holidays that awake

35:20

Hey wouldn't miss it and look at the turnout.

35:22

Yeah pops really rallied the troops,

35:24

huh? I just wish it hadn't

35:26

been so close to Christmas, you know weird

35:28

for the kids. I don't know I think

35:31

it's nice the whole family's here. Jenny's baby's

35:33

less than a year old. It's sort of

35:36

Contextualizes things our lives are part something

35:38

bigger than ourselves or our deaths are

35:41

are less tragic Hmm. That's

35:44

a really nice way to look at it Richard.

35:46

Thank you. Hello, Tom Geez,

35:49

you look just like them. They'll Kowalski.

35:51

I was letting spoke a buddy for 25 years You

35:55

know, I'll tell you this Lenny

35:58

Buxton you took his debt Seriously.

36:01

Very seriously. He couldn't

36:03

sleep if he owed anyone a penny.

36:06

Kind of you to say. I mean, even

36:08

poker debts. For example, something

36:11

as low as $62.50. This

36:14

is the kind of stuff that would keep Dawson in

36:16

third. Very nice to meet you.

36:18

I say Lenny forgot his wallet, right? And

36:21

a friend covered him his last month

36:23

of Texas Hold'em on Tuesday. For $62.50.

36:28

He couldn't rest with a debt of $62.50

36:30

on his conscience. I'm

36:34

a bit confused here. Mr.

36:36

Kowalski, if this is some kind of

36:38

shakedown. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no,

36:40

no, no. Nothing like that. I owed you

36:43

dad $62.50. See

36:46

and look. That's

36:48

a debt. No, no, no. You

36:50

can keep it. Well, I'm afraid that'd be stealing,

36:52

son. Mr. Kowalski, would

36:54

you mind giving me my cousin a moment? Sure,

36:57

sure. My condolences. You

37:02

know what occurs to me, Richard? What's

37:04

that? We're the old guys now. Hey,

37:07

45 isn't that old, Tom? No, no, I

37:09

mean, we're the guys

37:11

who tell the stories now. Pops

37:14

was the last of the old guard. Now

37:16

we're the old guard. But

37:20

I don't feel like my dad. There's still a

37:22

part of me who wonders where all the adults

37:24

are. To some extent, everybody's just two

37:26

kids in a trench coat trying to stick you

37:28

to a movie, right? Also, Mr.

37:30

Kowalski is flipping wads of cash into

37:32

your dad's pants pocket. Hey, knock that

37:34

off. You want me to slip it

37:37

in his wallet? Will there be a

37:39

coin slot in the coffin? Get out

37:41

of here. Excuse me. Hi,

37:43

guys. I'm Hank Allen. I was your

37:45

dad's neighbor. I borrowed your dad's

37:47

lawnmower a couple of years ago and I just

37:50

wanted to express my deepest condolences

37:52

and sympathies. What a

37:54

loss. I also

37:56

wanted to take the lawnmower and kind of

37:59

wedge it into the... coffin before the burial

38:01

and I can't stay for the wake because

38:04

after this I gotta do some shopping

38:06

Costco is having a sale and you

38:08

know traffic is a little bit busier

38:10

than you'd expect this time of year

38:12

why would we want you to physically

38:14

return a lawnmower to him he's dead

38:17

your dad took deaths very

38:19

seriously and so do I

38:22

Tom Richard Oh PD Oh

38:24

thanks for being here of course your dad

38:26

was a great boss I'm really gonna miss

38:29

him pops was very fun to be a

38:31

PD obviously I think he pushed back retirement

38:33

just so we could goop off with you

38:35

at the office yeah we had a lot

38:37

of fun listen I just wanted to say

38:39

my dad ran out on me

38:42

when I was a little kid my aunt died when

38:44

I was in high school so I've

38:46

never had a lot of people I'm close to in my

38:48

life but last year on my

38:50

birthday Tom your dad called me to say

38:52

he was proud of me he

38:55

said he was proud of the man

38:57

I decided to become that was the best

38:59

day of my life which

39:01

I guess makes this the worst day of my life hi

39:05

pizza man extra-large meat lovers

39:07

for Lenny Buxton care

39:10

of the elk lodge just jam it in

39:12

the coffin with the rest of this wag

39:14

it's pretty full so you'll need to rearrange

39:16

Lenny's limbs around a little to kind of

39:18

shoehorn it into the box like rearranging a

39:21

dishwasher to add one more plate

39:23

except there's a corpse in it get out

39:26

of here anyway I know it's not appropriate

39:28

to talk business at awake but I

39:30

really need to discuss something with you about that

39:32

PD me and Linda and

39:35

mom we've been talking and we

39:38

just feel more comfortable if the next

39:40

CEO is family oh yeah

39:42

that makes sense which is why you're

39:45

the next CEO what what do you

39:47

mean he loved you like a son and

39:49

and come on we don't

39:51

know how to run a big company

39:53

like that who's gonna step up me

39:55

Richard no thank you well I'm

39:58

on it and I want you to know. Either.

40:00

You both like family. No,

40:02

no, Not. Like family.

40:05

Family. Dd your home. Wow

40:07

I came here to night the

40:09

pay my respects in, put some

40:11

Dvds I borrowed and you dad's

40:13

casket and now I've got a

40:15

new job. a new family Merry

40:18

Christmas every one price Look at

40:20

all the junk piling up and

40:22

my dad's coffin he barely spot

40:24

as face of blood bags. He

40:26

donated a lot of blood over

40:28

the years since from though jesus

40:30

we'd better shut this down before

40:32

the sperm bank people. Can I

40:34

actually grab a lawnmower. And

40:46

I have my to see.

40:50

Or time. hardly. Recorded

40:54

or so. He's

42:00

the one who's going to have

42:02

a good

42:06

time. Elf

42:10

Tim, can you bring the nice list over here?

42:13

Of course! Here you are, Santa. Grab

42:15

yourself a crayon. I'm making some cuts.

42:18

Uh-oh. Somebody earned a place on the

42:20

naughty list? Yes, the parents, Tim. They're

42:22

the naughty ones. I need to send

42:24

them a message. And the best way

42:26

to do that is by destroying their child's

42:29

Christmas. Look at that kid's name

42:31

right there. Spell

42:33

it out for me. M-A-J-E-R-L-E.

42:38

Now pronounce it. Mod-jur-l.

42:44

Her pompous dingbat mommy insists that

42:46

everyone pronounce it Marley. But

42:49

that's in contravention of the laws of English

42:51

grammar, Santa. Exactly. This

42:54

bilge ends tonight. Mod-jur-l gets

42:56

coal. And right there,

42:58

all four Fitzgibbon kids. Uh,

43:01

Caden, Braden, Jaden, Traden.

43:05

Yeesh. These toffee-nosed simpletons

43:07

are so desperate to be unique that

43:09

they give their progeny a nonsense invented

43:12

name. Fine, Mom. Your

43:14

kid gets coal. Oh, look, there's

43:16

a Zaden. Fuck's sake. Coal. And

43:19

that one right there. Look

43:21

how the dumpy muttonhead spelled her kid's

43:23

name. A-L-L-Y-S-S-Y-N-N.

43:30

Coal. I didn't realize it was

43:32

so bad. It's a nightmare. I should have called

43:34

bullshit years ago when I saw my first Daenerys.

43:36

Hm. Brinsley? Not

43:39

a real name, Coal. Winter, but it's

43:41

spelled with an H and a Y.

43:43

Pretentious codswallop, Coal. E-L-L-E-X-X-I-S.

43:48

Oh, is that supposed to be Alexis?

43:51

Fuck you, you presumptuous flatulent dullard. Your

43:53

kid gets coal. Boy, oh boy.

43:55

Jackson, but they use an X. Ah,

43:58

Jesus Christ, Coal. We owe no

44:00

mercy, Elf Tim. This Christmas, we

44:02

finally make a stand. We're gonna run out

44:04

of coal, Santa! It's already in short

44:07

supply because it's needed to power all those Teslas!

44:09

Yeah, you're right. Let's drop

44:11

some kids off of the naughty list. There,

44:13

that one. Steven? Yeah,

44:15

he was mean to his sister and cheated on

44:18

his math quiz, but his mom's not an insecure

44:20

moose, so he's got a normal frickin' name. Put

44:23

him on the nice list. Okay.

44:25

And, uh, Christopher, Molly, Kevin,

44:27

Amy, David, normal. Put

44:30

them all on the nice list, but not this

44:32

mark because he fingered a cat. Okay. I

44:34

gotta tell you, Elf Tim, I'm excited to see

44:36

the faces of all those dopey schmucks

44:38

tomorrow morning when their darling Brailies and

44:40

Jessifers stroll into the bedroom bawling their

44:42

eyes out. Yes, Santa, me too! I'll

44:44

go make sure the reindeer are harnessed

44:46

up. You know what? Donder

44:48

isn't a real name. Tell

44:50

him to sit this one out. You

44:53

named him, you fat hypocrite! I'll

45:02

get it! Mark! Hello,

45:07

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas,

45:09

Julie. I

45:12

didn't know you were in the neighborhood. Would you like to come

45:14

in for some horse nog? That's okay. I

45:16

just came here to tell you something. Oh,

45:19

okay. Julie, I

45:23

just wanted to say, without hope

45:26

or agenda, because

45:28

it's Christmas. And at Christmas,

45:30

you tell the truth to the people you care about.

45:33

To me, you are perfect.

45:37

And I'm in love with you, Julie.

45:40

Merry Christmas. Mark,

45:43

I'm flattered, but I'm in

45:45

a relationship. I know,

45:47

but if that should change, I'm

45:50

right here. I'm a

45:52

lesbian. You know this. And

45:54

I love that about you. This

45:56

is actually really sweet, Mark. I'm

45:59

touched. You're in love with me, and

46:01

while you know I can't reciprocate your feelings,

46:03

you're exposing your wounded heart anyway just because

46:05

you want me to know how special I

46:08

am to you, and hoping that if only

46:10

briefly, we can just share this sweet

46:12

moment together before we find love with other

46:14

people. Thank you, Mark. I

46:16

love you too. Merry Christmas.

46:20

No, that's not it. It's not? No,

46:23

no. I came to tell you, I'm

46:26

gay too. Oh! Julie, yeah.

46:29

You're gay. Which

46:33

means we can be gay together.

46:36

Mark, that's not how that

46:40

works. Okay, Julie, let me walk

46:42

you through this here. You're a lesbian.

46:45

Yeah. Terrific. Awesome.

46:47

Again, fully endorse this. What I'm saying is,

46:49

in addition to you being a lesbian, I

46:52

have realized that I am also

46:54

gay like you. We're both gay.

46:56

Yes, but... And therefore,

46:59

now that I am gay like you,

47:02

we can be gay together

47:06

as a couple. Would you like to be

47:08

my gay girlfriend and have gay sex with

47:10

me and gay breakfast with me when we

47:12

wake up in our gay bed together? Mark,

47:14

I'm a lesbian. I'm

47:17

interested in women. I

47:19

am not straight. Not sure

47:21

how to explain this any better than I'm doing. You're not

47:23

straight. No. Great.

47:27

And I am not straight. You

47:29

are not gay. I am

47:31

gay. If you were gay, you

47:33

wouldn't be standing on a woman's porch

47:35

on Christmas asking her to

47:37

be your girlfriend. I

47:40

had sex with two men this morning.

47:42

Two. Not at the same time

47:44

either. Then later, at

47:46

the same time. That sounds pretty freaking

47:49

gay to me, Julie. Mark, I think

47:51

you're confused. You, Mark, are

47:53

a straight man. You

47:56

are attracted to women. One

47:58

woman. soulmates.

50:00

I am only attracted to

50:02

women. Listen,

50:05

I've grown a lot these last two weeks

50:07

and I've learned a lot about myself and

50:10

about love while having all this

50:13

unprotected sex with randos I picked up at truck stops.

50:15

Oh god, Mark, it's getting

50:17

cold. We should call it a night, yeah?

50:19

First, I've learned that

50:22

if two people love

50:25

each other, it doesn't matter if they're

50:27

women or men, black

50:30

or white, uh-huh, Methodist,

50:32

Jewish, right, so

50:34

long as both of them are legally gay.

50:37

No, no. And after

50:41

undergoing so much sex in a Denny's

50:43

parking lot on I-90 that I've had

50:45

to replace the shocks on my Ford

50:47

contour, I have come to one inescapable

50:49

conclusion. There is nothing wrong with

50:52

gay sex and there's nothing

50:54

wrong with you gay-sexing me.

50:58

All it really means, all

51:00

it really means is that

51:02

you can't get pregnant, but I

51:04

can. Well,

51:08

um, I

51:10

really should go. Merry Christmas.

51:14

Merry Christmas, Julie. Right, okay.

51:21

Who was it, honey? Uh, Dad,

51:23

Christmas carolers. Cool, cool. Listen,

51:25

I think my friend Mark might swing by later,

51:28

just so you know, I think he has a

51:30

little crush on you. Oh, I

51:32

know. I didn't want to hurt a feeling, so I

51:34

told him I was a lesbian. You a

51:36

lesbian? Oh

51:39

man, yeah. Now let's get to

51:41

the Denny's parking lot on I-90 and

51:43

have some straight-to-the-sex. I'll call

51:45

in Uber. Gang,

52:07

we are nearing the end of this year's Christmas

52:09

special, so let me slip in a couple of

52:12

announcements before we all head over to Snuffies for

52:14

a well-deserved horse nog. There

52:16

are folks who listen to this program

52:18

who are stationed abroad—hello, Robert—spending their

52:20

holidays away from Kiff and Ken, others

52:23

who might be stuck in an airport, are

52:25

home ill at work, hiding

52:27

from federal investigators, or have been

52:29

cursed by a swamp witch, all

52:31

flying solo this Christmas. So

52:34

I do a Zoom call every year on Christmas

52:36

Day for anybody who would like to see a

52:38

friendly face or hear a familiar voice, or

52:40

increasingly is surrounded by

52:43

family but wants to reprieve from

52:46

them, and so announces that they have

52:48

a Zoom call and barricades themselves in the garage.

52:51

If you want a pick-me-up on Christmas, please come

52:53

by. That Zoom call will be

52:55

at 2 o'clock p.m. Central Time, Christmas Day,

52:57

which this year falls on December 25th. If

53:01

you go to miteahitain.com/Christmas, you will

53:03

find the link and password for

53:05

that Zoom session. I

53:07

have included that website, miteahitain.com/Christmas, in today's

53:10

episode description so you can check that

53:12

out at your leisure. I

53:14

have also included links to the five

53:16

previous Snuffy's Christmas specials should you wish

53:18

to sink into more sketch comedy and

53:21

or horse jokes over the next few days.

53:24

The Christmas special takes a tremendous

53:29

mind-boggling amount of work, about a month to

53:31

produce. If you particularly enjoy them,

53:33

and you feel inclined to slip some shillings

53:35

into my stocking, I wouldn't be offended. I

53:38

might even put them towards a production budget for

53:40

next year's special. My Venmo

53:43

is at Andrew-Heaton-1, and

53:45

my PayPal is Andrew

53:47

at miteahitain.com. I

53:49

am extremely grateful to the many

53:51

talented people who made it possible to

53:53

inflict this year's show upon you. Josh

53:56

Jennings, Justin Robert Young, Brian

53:58

Sack, and Jack Hellmuth, Andrew

54:01

Young, Ana Gorish, Kimory

54:03

Skye, MikeTV of Get Set

54:06

Go, Brett Weaver, Ryan

54:08

Brushwood, Turner Sparks, Andrea

54:11

Jones-Roy, Michael Ira Kaplan, Matt

54:14

Sinkowitz, Henry Kissinger, Courtney

54:16

Beebe, Austin Bragg, David

54:18

Hunter, and Matt Donnelly. Hope

54:22

you enjoyed the show. I return to

54:24

my comedy roots through this special each year like a

54:26

trout returning to headwaters and it is a lot of

54:28

fun to make. I hope you got a

54:30

kick out of it. And thank you for supporting the

54:32

political orphanage the rest of the year. I

54:35

love my job. I'm a very, very fortunate man

54:37

and I am grateful to do this for a

54:39

living and am indebted to a

54:41

wonderful audience that supports me throughout the year.

54:44

Finally, because several of you

54:46

have written in wanting to

54:48

know how my dog is doing, who

54:50

had cancer earlier this year, I am

54:52

happy to report that Wallace has made

54:54

a full and complete recovery. All

54:57

that has been left is he's got

54:59

this kind of rakish gray

55:02

spot on his left elbow that looks like

55:04

he got one elbow patch. He

55:06

is in robust health. He

55:08

has an embarrassing amount of toys

55:10

and neckties. He is doing great.

55:13

Wallace's biggest complaint in life is that I spend

55:15

too much time working on the show instead

55:18

of throwing a frisbee with him in the backyard. And

55:20

his most fervent wish remains that one day

55:22

our house will burn down and we'll get

55:24

to live outside forever. You

55:27

know what actually Wallace, would

55:29

you like to come in and help me wrap

55:31

up the holiday special? Come here,

55:33

come here. Good dog. Just join

55:36

in whenever you feel like. Until

55:39

next time, Merry Christmas and Happy

55:41

Holidays from Snuffies off Route 44

55:43

where the waiters and

55:45

waitresses take your order and deliver it to

55:47

you on horseback. Could

55:50

all the quaint ends

55:53

be forgot and

55:56

evermore to be?

56:00

Should all

56:02

the acquaintance be

56:05

forgot and all

56:09

in time? For

56:13

all in time,

56:15

my dear, for

56:19

all in time

56:23

We'll take a cup

56:26

of kindness yet

56:28

for all

56:31

in time And

56:35

here's a hand,

56:37

my trusty friend,

56:40

and give a

56:42

hand all thine We'll

56:45

take a cup of

56:49

kindness yet for

56:52

all in

56:54

time For

56:58

all in time,

57:00

my dear, for

57:02

all in time

57:07

We'll take a cup

57:10

of kindness yet

57:13

for all

57:16

in time We'll

57:19

take a cup of

57:22

kindness yet for

57:26

all in

57:29

time